WEBVTT
00:00:00.479 --> 00:00:01.520
Chemsex.
00:00:01.760 --> 00:00:09.199
Sexualized drug use among men who have sex with men, typically involving methamphetamine, methadrone, and GHB, among others.
00:00:09.359 --> 00:00:18.399
Chemsex misuse is a worldwide epidemic that needs attention, dialogue, and hope for those lost in it, which is the purpose of the Aftermath Podcast.
00:00:18.640 --> 00:00:28.239
Please note the views expressed by the host and guest on this podcast are not to be taken as medical advice, and the content around sex and drug use can be triggering.
00:00:29.359 --> 00:00:31.600
Alright, welcome back to the Aftermath Podcast.
00:00:31.679 --> 00:00:36.560
In the solo episode, don't forget there's a supplemental study guide that goes along with this episode.
00:00:36.719 --> 00:00:38.479
The link will be in the show notes.
00:00:38.640 --> 00:00:46.079
Please remember to like, subscribe, and rate the podcast so we can get the algorithm to place it in the ears and eyes of those who need it.
00:00:46.320 --> 00:00:52.479
All right, so anybody who knows me can attest to how much I love my daily walks.
00:00:52.719 --> 00:00:54.880
I take three power walks a day.
00:00:54.960 --> 00:00:58.640
I'm literally like a mall walker a day.
00:00:58.880 --> 00:01:10.799
So I take three walks a day, and it provides me with much-needed clarity of mind, moves my body, and gives me opportunities to listen and leave voice notes.
00:01:10.959 --> 00:01:14.480
So most of those are with clients, but friends to family.
00:01:14.719 --> 00:01:24.480
So one morning last week, I was struck by the contrasting voice notes that I listened to from two clients back to back.
00:01:24.959 --> 00:01:28.079
It was easier to compare them since I listened to one and then the other.
00:01:28.239 --> 00:01:29.519
They just happened to come in that way.
00:01:29.680 --> 00:01:36.879
So after listening to both of them, the idea for this newsletter and this podcast was downloaded.
00:01:37.120 --> 00:01:42.799
So I had two clients, same return to use, aka relapse.
00:01:43.439 --> 00:01:47.599
Both had broken a commitment that they'd made to themselves.
00:01:47.920 --> 00:01:55.599
And as I listened to their analysis, I heard two completely different men talking.
00:01:55.920 --> 00:01:58.239
The first one didn't flinch.
00:01:58.959 --> 00:02:00.959
He says, I did everything right.
00:02:01.200 --> 00:02:05.599
I had my plan, I called my people, I stayed in my routine.
00:02:05.840 --> 00:02:08.960
There was just a piece of the puzzle that I had missed.
00:02:09.199 --> 00:02:15.680
So I'm asking in my journal where the oversight was and how can I show up differently next time?
00:02:16.240 --> 00:02:24.960
He wasn't mired in misery or remorse or shame, and he wasn't being defensive about it.
00:02:25.360 --> 00:02:27.360
He was just being curious.
00:02:27.599 --> 00:02:29.759
He was asking curious questions.
00:02:30.159 --> 00:02:32.159
He was studying himself.
00:02:32.479 --> 00:02:38.000
He talked about the use as a data point, not a moral failure.
00:02:38.960 --> 00:02:51.759
The second one, by the way, took a week to tell me this had happened, and he had other uses that he didn't even tell me about that he came clean about later, sounded very different.
00:02:52.080 --> 00:02:54.400
Oh, you know how it is, I always do this.
00:02:54.639 --> 00:02:56.800
I'm just not built for follow-through.
00:02:57.039 --> 00:02:58.159
I was tired.
00:02:58.400 --> 00:03:02.960
This was going on, that happened, work is this, and Trump is president.
00:03:04.080 --> 00:03:07.360
So both had the exact same experience.
00:03:07.520 --> 00:03:11.199
They forgot to remove an old user buddy from Snapchat.
00:03:12.479 --> 00:03:16.560
Same behavior, two different universes.
00:03:17.520 --> 00:03:21.360
The first one gave me a reason.
00:03:21.680 --> 00:03:24.800
The second one handed me an excuse.
00:03:24.960 --> 00:03:32.960
So today we're going to look at the differences between the two and provide some tools to help you determine which one you may be using.
00:03:33.199 --> 00:03:36.960
Because reasons can build a trajectory in your recovery.
00:03:37.280 --> 00:03:40.080
Excuses keep you stagnant.
00:03:40.479 --> 00:03:43.199
So there are two things that sound the same.
00:03:43.360 --> 00:03:47.120
A reason and an excuse can be very difficult to distinguish.
00:03:47.520 --> 00:03:52.000
Both of them explain why the something happened, right?
00:03:52.479 --> 00:03:56.400
But they originate from completely different places.
00:03:56.639 --> 00:04:00.080
A reason is the product of open curiosity.
00:04:00.719 --> 00:04:04.560
An excuse is the product of closed condemnation.
00:04:04.800 --> 00:04:12.080
So when I offer a reason, I'm genuinely looking at what happened without judgment.
00:04:12.560 --> 00:04:15.199
Okay, I was triggered and I didn't have my tools ready.
00:04:15.280 --> 00:04:18.879
So let me let me understand how that happened.
00:04:19.439 --> 00:04:20.800
Just the facts.
00:04:21.040 --> 00:04:24.879
When I offer an excuse, I'm not looking at anything.
00:04:25.199 --> 00:04:29.439
I'm accepting a story about myself and I'm hiding behind it.
00:04:30.000 --> 00:04:34.480
I was triggered and I'm not strong enough to say no because that's what I always do.
00:04:35.360 --> 00:04:38.800
Which, what that does, blows smoke.
00:04:38.879 --> 00:04:40.480
It's a smoke screen.
00:04:40.959 --> 00:04:43.279
Go look at how terrible I am.
00:04:44.079 --> 00:04:50.560
So you can be distracted from telling me to do the actual work, and I'm distracting myself from doing the actual work.
00:04:51.360 --> 00:04:52.720
So here's a distinction.
00:04:52.879 --> 00:04:57.439
The reason typically arises from healthy guilt.
00:04:57.600 --> 00:05:00.720
Guilt says, I did something that went against my values.
00:05:00.959 --> 00:05:04.319
Guilt points at the behavior in and of itself with non-judgment.
00:05:04.399 --> 00:05:11.680
And a behavior is something you can turn over in your hands, you can look at from every angle, and you can decide what to do differently next time.
00:05:12.399 --> 00:05:15.759
An excuse arises from shame.
00:05:16.879 --> 00:05:19.120
Shame doesn't say I did something bad.
00:05:19.360 --> 00:05:21.439
Shame says I am bad.
00:05:21.680 --> 00:05:23.120
This is just who I am.
00:05:23.279 --> 00:05:24.399
This is what I do.
00:05:24.639 --> 00:05:27.360
I am not in control of my own behavior.
00:05:28.560 --> 00:05:30.160
Can you feel the difference there?
00:05:30.879 --> 00:05:33.920
Guilt says I made a choice I don't feel good about.
00:05:34.160 --> 00:05:36.480
Shame says I am the choice.
00:05:37.439 --> 00:05:43.279
One of those you can work with, but the other is a fixed part of your personality.
00:05:45.360 --> 00:05:49.839
The excuse that hides inside too much responsibility.
00:05:50.079 --> 00:05:51.920
So let's talk about that.
00:05:52.800 --> 00:05:57.759
So for a long time I thought excuses were only about dodging the blame.
00:05:58.319 --> 00:05:59.600
Wasn't my fault.
00:05:59.839 --> 00:06:02.480
The traffic, the stress, that other person.
00:06:02.720 --> 00:06:06.800
Like most of the time, if you dig deeper into excuses, they're easier to spot.
00:06:06.879 --> 00:06:08.480
You'll see what they really happen, right?
00:06:08.639 --> 00:06:10.399
For instance, traffic made me late.
00:06:10.639 --> 00:06:13.439
Well, that's often because you left your house too late.
00:06:13.600 --> 00:06:17.199
And then you ran into traffic, knowing that every morning there's traffic.
00:06:17.519 --> 00:06:18.160
Right?
00:06:18.959 --> 00:06:20.319
You're avoiding the actual truth.
00:06:20.399 --> 00:06:30.000
For chemsex recovery, it might look like that guy I forgot to block texted me, but when you dig deeper, you will you are also up on your phone at 2 a.m.
00:06:30.399 --> 00:06:37.199
scrolling, looking at pictures, instead of keeping the phone off in another room as you had committed to do.
00:06:37.439 --> 00:06:40.000
There is always context.
00:06:40.399 --> 00:06:46.319
But there's this other kind of excuse, a little bit harder to spot.
00:06:46.480 --> 00:06:48.000
You have to use some intuition.
00:06:48.160 --> 00:06:51.600
It comes from playing the victim or the martyr.
00:06:51.759 --> 00:06:53.839
And it sounds like, of course I messed up.
00:06:54.000 --> 00:06:54.879
I always mess up.
00:06:55.040 --> 00:06:56.319
Here I go again.
00:06:56.639 --> 00:06:58.480
That is not ownership.
00:06:58.720 --> 00:07:04.399
Because when I say I always do this, I'm not actually examining anything.
00:07:04.720 --> 00:07:07.199
I'm collapsing into an identity.
00:07:07.360 --> 00:07:14.079
And that identity is familiar and it's comfortable and it's a place where you have hidden for years.
00:07:14.399 --> 00:07:17.680
And it allows you to bypass the hard work.
00:07:19.120 --> 00:07:22.079
One excuse avoids responsibility.
00:07:22.319 --> 00:07:28.959
The other one grabs so much responsibility that it crushes any chance of curiosity.
00:07:29.600 --> 00:07:35.519
And both of them leave the same way without ever asking the real question.
00:07:35.759 --> 00:07:37.360
So let's talk about this loop.
00:07:37.519 --> 00:07:40.720
So here's the mechanism underneath all of it.
00:07:40.879 --> 00:07:42.560
You attach to an identity.
00:07:42.800 --> 00:07:45.199
I'm the guy who always relapses on this.
00:07:45.439 --> 00:07:48.079
I'm the one who can't stick with anything.
00:07:48.560 --> 00:07:55.680
And once that identity is set and you accept it to be true, the excuse is already written in it.
00:07:56.079 --> 00:07:58.480
It doesn't even have to feel like an excuse anymore.
00:07:58.560 --> 00:08:00.000
It feels like a fact.
00:08:01.279 --> 00:08:08.160
Because when you decide I always do that, then that becomes exactly what you'll always do.
00:08:08.720 --> 00:08:12.399
The identity makes the excuse effortless.
00:08:12.720 --> 00:08:15.759
The excuse confirms your identity.
00:08:16.000 --> 00:08:19.120
And around and around and around it goes, right?
00:08:19.360 --> 00:08:28.720
A reason can break that loop because a reason is about this moment, this one time, this specific set of circumstances.
00:08:28.879 --> 00:08:29.839
I'm going to study it.
00:08:29.920 --> 00:08:33.679
A reason asks how the identity can shift.
00:08:34.399 --> 00:08:36.080
So the cycle isn't interrupted.
00:08:36.159 --> 00:08:38.879
The identity is not tied into the behavior.
00:08:39.039 --> 00:08:44.320
So an excuse feeds the loop because an excuse is about who you've decided you are.
00:08:44.639 --> 00:08:46.159
So how do we get out of this?
00:08:46.240 --> 00:08:49.120
And you've heard me talk about the compassionate observer before.
00:08:49.360 --> 00:08:51.840
You step outside your story.
00:08:52.080 --> 00:09:02.720
And I call this being the compassionate observer, the part of you that can watch your own behavior without either excusing it or condemning it.
00:09:03.200 --> 00:09:07.039
The compassionate observer doesn't ask whose fault is this?
00:09:07.360 --> 00:09:11.679
It asks, why did this happen again?
00:09:12.080 --> 00:09:26.320
And it asks that question with pure curiosity, with patience, with love, with genuine wanting to know, with the assumption that there's something worth understanding and knowing here.
00:09:27.200 --> 00:09:29.600
Not something worth punishing.
00:09:30.240 --> 00:09:35.759
Again, the difference between curiosity and condemnation will make or break your recovery.
00:09:36.000 --> 00:09:38.559
So here's a practice for the middle of this moment, right?
00:09:38.720 --> 00:09:45.360
So the next time you catch yourself explaining something to someone else or just yourself, pause and run through a few things here.
00:09:45.519 --> 00:09:46.799
Just ask them some questions.
00:09:46.960 --> 00:09:48.320
Notice how you're feeling.
00:09:48.639 --> 00:09:50.080
Is it defensiveness?
00:09:50.320 --> 00:09:51.919
Do you feel attacked?
00:09:52.399 --> 00:09:53.039
Shame?
00:09:54.240 --> 00:09:55.519
Maybe apathy.
00:09:55.919 --> 00:09:57.440
It says, what the hell's the point?
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Who cares?
00:09:58.159 --> 00:10:01.440
Your emotional state is going to be the first to tell.
00:10:01.919 --> 00:10:04.320
Because curiosity feels very open.
00:10:05.440 --> 00:10:07.279
Feels very open and willing.
00:10:07.600 --> 00:10:11.440
Condemnation feels very tight and condensed.
00:10:13.279 --> 00:10:14.159
Restricted.
00:10:14.480 --> 00:10:15.919
That's one of the word I'm thinking of.
00:10:16.799 --> 00:10:18.080
So check your language.
00:10:18.240 --> 00:10:28.159
Also, are you talking about a choice that you made and what you'll do next, the behavior, or are you talking about who you are due to the behavior?
00:10:29.440 --> 00:10:33.440
I did this, leaves room to move around.
00:10:33.600 --> 00:10:36.559
I always do this, locks it in.
00:10:36.639 --> 00:10:37.840
It locks the door.
00:10:38.080 --> 00:10:41.039
So I want you to feel where it lives in your body.
00:10:41.679 --> 00:10:48.159
When you're explaining something, does that explain explanation feel open, spacious, like you can breathe?
00:10:49.120 --> 00:10:50.879
Okay, okay, this is not me.
00:10:50.960 --> 00:10:52.080
This is something I can work with.
00:10:52.159 --> 00:10:53.679
Or does it feel closed off?
00:10:54.080 --> 00:10:56.159
Again, restricted, braced.
00:10:56.399 --> 00:10:57.759
Are you defensive?
00:10:58.080 --> 00:11:00.320
Your body knows the difference.
00:11:00.639 --> 00:11:06.240
I guarantee you, when you tune in, your body knows the difference between a reason and excuse.
00:11:06.799 --> 00:11:08.480
Long before your mind knows.
00:11:08.720 --> 00:11:11.440
So I want you to tune into your body next time.
00:11:11.679 --> 00:11:17.759
You're analyzing something, especially a use, why something has happened that is out of your alignment with your goals.
00:11:18.559 --> 00:11:21.919
Like returning to chem sex or something else.
00:11:22.240 --> 00:11:24.000
So what are we asking of you?
00:11:24.080 --> 00:11:27.759
I'm not asking you to stop having reasons or never make a mistake.
00:11:27.919 --> 00:11:28.799
Reasons are honest.
00:11:28.960 --> 00:11:30.639
Reasons are how we learn.
00:11:30.799 --> 00:11:39.600
I'm asking you to notice when the explanation you're reaching for has stopped being a doorway and started being a wall.
00:11:39.840 --> 00:11:44.000
A wall around the real work, a wall around the real story.
00:11:44.320 --> 00:11:48.639
The next time the words come fast, always do this.
00:11:48.960 --> 00:11:50.399
I'm not just built for that.
00:11:50.480 --> 00:11:52.000
But here I go again.
00:11:52.879 --> 00:11:57.519
See if you can slow down enough to really ask a better question.
00:11:58.159 --> 00:12:00.639
Without judgment, without condemnation.
00:12:01.679 --> 00:12:03.120
Not what's wrong with me.
00:12:03.759 --> 00:12:04.960
But what happened here?
00:12:06.080 --> 00:12:08.000
And what is it trying to show me?
00:12:08.159 --> 00:12:10.080
Because all things happen for my good.
00:12:10.240 --> 00:12:12.240
All things are here for my benefit.
00:12:12.399 --> 00:12:13.759
Everything happens for me.
00:12:13.919 --> 00:12:15.679
Let me figure that out.
00:12:16.639 --> 00:12:19.600
That question won't condemn you.
00:12:20.320 --> 00:12:22.320
There's too much curiosity in there.
00:12:22.480 --> 00:12:24.480
There's no room for condemnation.
00:12:24.879 --> 00:12:25.440
All right.
00:12:25.519 --> 00:12:27.919
I hope this helps you this week.
00:12:28.080 --> 00:12:28.879
I love you.
00:12:29.039 --> 00:12:33.039
And if you want to reach out to me and join in the conversation, you can comment on Spotify.
00:12:33.200 --> 00:12:34.480
You can comment on YouTube.
00:12:34.639 --> 00:12:36.399
You can reach out to me on social media.
00:12:36.480 --> 00:12:38.879
I'm on all platforms all the time.
00:12:39.919 --> 00:12:41.360
Have a good week.
00:00:00.479 --> 00:00:01.520
Chemsex.
00:00:01.760 --> 00:00:09.199
Sexualized drug use among men who have sex with men, typically involving methamphetamine, methadrone, and GHB, among others.
00:00:09.359 --> 00:00:18.399
Chemsex misuse is a worldwide epidemic that needs attention, dialogue, and hope for those lost in it, which is the purpose of the Aftermath Podcast.
00:00:18.640 --> 00:00:28.239
Please note the views expressed by the host and guest on this podcast are not to be taken as medical advice, and the content around sex and drug use can be triggering.
00:00:29.359 --> 00:00:31.600
Alright, welcome back to the Aftermath Podcast.
00:00:31.679 --> 00:00:36.560
In the solo episode, don't forget there's a supplemental study guide that goes along with this episode.
00:00:36.719 --> 00:00:38.479
The link will be in the show notes.
00:00:38.640 --> 00:00:46.079
Please remember to like, subscribe, and rate the podcast so we can get the algorithm to place it in the ears and eyes of those who need it.
00:00:46.320 --> 00:00:52.479
All right, so anybody who knows me can attest to how much I love my daily walks.
00:00:52.719 --> 00:00:54.880
I take three power walks a day.
00:00:54.960 --> 00:00:58.640
I'm literally like a mall walker a day.
00:00:58.880 --> 00:01:10.799
So I take three walks a day, and it provides me with much-needed clarity of mind, moves my body, and gives me opportunities to listen and leave voice notes.
00:01:10.959 --> 00:01:14.480
So most of those are with clients, but friends to family.
00:01:14.719 --> 00:01:24.480
So one morning last week, I was struck by the contrasting voice notes that I listened to from two clients back to back.
00:01:24.959 --> 00:01:28.079
It was easier to compare them since I listened to one and then the other.
00:01:28.239 --> 00:01:29.519
They just happened to come in that way.
00:01:29.680 --> 00:01:36.879
So after listening to both of them, the idea for this newsletter and this podcast was downloaded.
00:01:37.120 --> 00:01:42.799
So I had two clients, same return to use, aka relapse.
00:01:43.439 --> 00:01:47.599
Both had broken a commitment that they'd made to themselves.
00:01:47.920 --> 00:01:55.599
And as I listened to their analysis, I heard two completely different men talking.
00:01:55.920 --> 00:01:58.239
The first one didn't flinch.
00:01:58.959 --> 00:02:00.959
He says, I did everything right.
00:02:01.200 --> 00:02:05.599
I had my plan, I called my people, I stayed in my routine.
00:02:05.840 --> 00:02:08.960
There was just a piece of the puzzle that I had missed.
00:02:09.199 --> 00:02:15.680
So I'm asking in my journal where the oversight was and how can I show up differently next time?
00:02:16.240 --> 00:02:24.960
He wasn't mired in misery or remorse or shame, and he wasn't being defensive about it.
00:02:25.360 --> 00:02:27.360
He was just being curious.
00:02:27.599 --> 00:02:29.759
He was asking curious questions.
00:02:30.159 --> 00:02:32.159
He was studying himself.
00:02:32.479 --> 00:02:38.000
He talked about the use as a data point, not a moral failure.
00:02:38.960 --> 00:02:51.759
The second one, by the way, took a week to tell me this had happened, and he had other uses that he didn't even tell me about that he came clean about later, sounded very different.
00:02:52.080 --> 00:02:54.400
Oh, you know how it is, I always do this.
00:02:54.639 --> 00:02:56.800
I'm just not built for follow-through.
00:02:57.039 --> 00:02:58.159
I was tired.
00:02:58.400 --> 00:03:02.960
This was going on, that happened, work is this, and Trump is president.
00:03:04.080 --> 00:03:07.360
So both had the exact same experience.
00:03:07.520 --> 00:03:11.199
They forgot to remove an old user buddy from Snapchat.
00:03:12.479 --> 00:03:16.560
Same behavior, two different universes.
00:03:17.520 --> 00:03:21.360
The first one gave me a reason.
00:03:21.680 --> 00:03:24.800
The second one handed me an excuse.
00:03:24.960 --> 00:03:32.960
So today we're going to look at the differences between the two and provide some tools to help you determine which one you may be using.
00:03:33.199 --> 00:03:36.960
Because reasons can build a trajectory in your recovery.
00:03:37.280 --> 00:03:40.080
Excuses keep you stagnant.
00:03:40.479 --> 00:03:43.199
So there are two things that sound the same.
00:03:43.360 --> 00:03:47.120
A reason and an excuse can be very difficult to distinguish.
00:03:47.520 --> 00:03:52.000
Both of them explain why the something happened, right?
00:03:52.479 --> 00:03:56.400
But they originate from completely different places.
00:03:56.639 --> 00:04:00.080
A reason is the product of open curiosity.
00:04:00.719 --> 00:04:04.560
An excuse is the product of closed condemnation.
00:04:04.800 --> 00:04:12.080
So when I offer a reason, I'm genuinely looking at what happened without judgment.
00:04:12.560 --> 00:04:15.199
Okay, I was triggered and I didn't have my tools ready.
00:04:15.280 --> 00:04:18.879
So let me let me understand how that happened.
00:04:19.439 --> 00:04:20.800
Just the facts.
00:04:21.040 --> 00:04:24.879
When I offer an excuse, I'm not looking at anything.
00:04:25.199 --> 00:04:29.439
I'm accepting a story about myself and I'm hiding behind it.
00:04:30.000 --> 00:04:34.480
I was triggered and I'm not strong enough to say no because that's what I always do.
00:04:35.360 --> 00:04:38.800
Which, what that does, blows smoke.
00:04:38.879 --> 00:04:40.480
It's a smoke screen.
00:04:40.959 --> 00:04:43.279
Go look at how terrible I am.
00:04:44.079 --> 00:04:50.560
So you can be distracted from telling me to do the actual work, and I'm distracting myself from doing the actual work.
00:04:51.360 --> 00:04:52.720
So here's a distinction.
00:04:52.879 --> 00:04:57.439
The reason typically arises from healthy guilt.
00:04:57.600 --> 00:05:00.720
Guilt says, I did something that went against my values.
00:05:00.959 --> 00:05:04.319
Guilt points at the behavior in and of itself with non-judgment.
00:05:04.399 --> 00:05:11.680
And a behavior is something you can turn over in your hands, you can look at from every angle, and you can decide what to do differently next time.
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An excuse arises from shame.
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Shame doesn't say I did something bad.
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Shame says I am bad.
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This is just who I am.
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This is what I do.
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I am not in control of my own behavior.
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Can you feel the difference there?
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Guilt says I made a choice I don't feel good about.
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Shame says I am the choice.
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One of those you can work with, but the other is a fixed part of your personality.
00:05:45.360 --> 00:05:49.839
The excuse that hides inside too much responsibility.
00:05:50.079 --> 00:05:51.920
So let's talk about that.
00:05:52.800 --> 00:05:57.759
So for a long time I thought excuses were only about dodging the blame.
00:05:58.319 --> 00:05:59.600
Wasn't my fault.
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The traffic, the stress, that other person.
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Like most of the time, if you dig deeper into excuses, they're easier to spot.
00:06:06.879 --> 00:06:08.480
You'll see what they really happen, right?
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For instance, traffic made me late.
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Well, that's often because you left your house too late.
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And then you ran into traffic, knowing that every morning there's traffic.
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Right?
00:06:18.959 --> 00:06:20.319
You're avoiding the actual truth.
00:06:20.399 --> 00:06:30.000
For chemsex recovery, it might look like that guy I forgot to block texted me, but when you dig deeper, you will you are also up on your phone at 2 a.m.
00:06:30.399 --> 00:06:37.199
scrolling, looking at pictures, instead of keeping the phone off in another room as you had committed to do.
00:06:37.439 --> 00:06:40.000
There is always context.
00:06:40.399 --> 00:06:46.319
But there's this other kind of excuse, a little bit harder to spot.
00:06:46.480 --> 00:06:48.000
You have to use some intuition.
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It comes from playing the victim or the martyr.
00:06:51.759 --> 00:06:53.839
And it sounds like, of course I messed up.
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I always mess up.
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Here I go again.
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That is not ownership.
00:06:58.720 --> 00:07:04.399
Because when I say I always do this, I'm not actually examining anything.
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I'm collapsing into an identity.
00:07:07.360 --> 00:07:14.079
And that identity is familiar and it's comfortable and it's a place where you have hidden for years.
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And it allows you to bypass the hard work.
00:07:19.120 --> 00:07:22.079
One excuse avoids responsibility.
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The other one grabs so much responsibility that it crushes any chance of curiosity.
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And both of them leave the same way without ever asking the real question.
00:07:35.759 --> 00:07:37.360
So let's talk about this loop.
00:07:37.519 --> 00:07:40.720
So here's the mechanism underneath all of it.
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You attach to an identity.
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I'm the guy who always relapses on this.
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I'm the one who can't stick with anything.
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And once that identity is set and you accept it to be true, the excuse is already written in it.
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It doesn't even have to feel like an excuse anymore.
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It feels like a fact.
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Because when you decide I always do that, then that becomes exactly what you'll always do.
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The identity makes the excuse effortless.
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The excuse confirms your identity.
00:08:16.000 --> 00:08:19.120
And around and around and around it goes, right?
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A reason can break that loop because a reason is about this moment, this one time, this specific set of circumstances.
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I'm going to study it.
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A reason asks how the identity can shift.
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So the cycle isn't interrupted.
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The identity is not tied into the behavior.
00:08:39.039 --> 00:08:44.320
So an excuse feeds the loop because an excuse is about who you've decided you are.
00:08:44.639 --> 00:08:46.159
So how do we get out of this?
00:08:46.240 --> 00:08:49.120
And you've heard me talk about the compassionate observer before.
00:08:49.360 --> 00:08:51.840
You step outside your story.
00:08:52.080 --> 00:09:02.720
And I call this being the compassionate observer, the part of you that can watch your own behavior without either excusing it or condemning it.
00:09:03.200 --> 00:09:07.039
The compassionate observer doesn't ask whose fault is this?
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It asks, why did this happen again?
00:09:12.080 --> 00:09:26.320
And it asks that question with pure curiosity, with patience, with love, with genuine wanting to know, with the assumption that there's something worth understanding and knowing here.
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Not something worth punishing.
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Again, the difference between curiosity and condemnation will make or break your recovery.
00:09:36.000 --> 00:09:38.559
So here's a practice for the middle of this moment, right?
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So the next time you catch yourself explaining something to someone else or just yourself, pause and run through a few things here.
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Just ask them some questions.
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Notice how you're feeling.
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Is it defensiveness?
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Do you feel attacked?
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Shame?
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Maybe apathy.
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It says, what the hell's the point?
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Who cares?
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Your emotional state is going to be the first to tell.
00:10:01.919 --> 00:10:04.320
Because curiosity feels very open.
00:10:05.440 --> 00:10:07.279
Feels very open and willing.
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Condemnation feels very tight and condensed.
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Restricted.
00:10:14.480 --> 00:10:15.919
That's one of the word I'm thinking of.
00:10:16.799 --> 00:10:18.080
So check your language.
00:10:18.240 --> 00:10:28.159
Also, are you talking about a choice that you made and what you'll do next, the behavior, or are you talking about who you are due to the behavior?
00:10:29.440 --> 00:10:33.440
I did this, leaves room to move around.
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I always do this, locks it in.
00:10:36.639 --> 00:10:37.840
It locks the door.
00:10:38.080 --> 00:10:41.039
So I want you to feel where it lives in your body.
00:10:41.679 --> 00:10:48.159
When you're explaining something, does that explain explanation feel open, spacious, like you can breathe?
00:10:49.120 --> 00:10:50.879
Okay, okay, this is not me.
00:10:50.960 --> 00:10:52.080
This is something I can work with.
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Or does it feel closed off?
00:10:54.080 --> 00:10:56.159
Again, restricted, braced.
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Are you defensive?
00:10:58.080 --> 00:11:00.320
Your body knows the difference.
00:11:00.639 --> 00:11:06.240
I guarantee you, when you tune in, your body knows the difference between a reason and excuse.
00:11:06.799 --> 00:11:08.480
Long before your mind knows.
00:11:08.720 --> 00:11:11.440
So I want you to tune into your body next time.
00:11:11.679 --> 00:11:17.759
You're analyzing something, especially a use, why something has happened that is out of your alignment with your goals.
00:11:18.559 --> 00:11:21.919
Like returning to chem sex or something else.
00:11:22.240 --> 00:11:24.000
So what are we asking of you?
00:11:24.080 --> 00:11:27.759
I'm not asking you to stop having reasons or never make a mistake.
00:11:27.919 --> 00:11:28.799
Reasons are honest.
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Reasons are how we learn.
00:11:30.799 --> 00:11:39.600
I'm asking you to notice when the explanation you're reaching for has stopped being a doorway and started being a wall.
00:11:39.840 --> 00:11:44.000
A wall around the real work, a wall around the real story.
00:11:44.320 --> 00:11:48.639
The next time the words come fast, always do this.
00:11:48.960 --> 00:11:50.399
I'm not just built for that.
00:11:50.480 --> 00:11:52.000
But here I go again.
00:11:52.879 --> 00:11:57.519
See if you can slow down enough to really ask a better question.
00:11:58.159 --> 00:12:00.639
Without judgment, without condemnation.
00:12:01.679 --> 00:12:03.120
Not what's wrong with me.
00:12:03.759 --> 00:12:04.960
But what happened here?
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And what is it trying to show me?
00:12:08.159 --> 00:12:10.080
Because all things happen for my good.
00:12:10.240 --> 00:12:12.240
All things are here for my benefit.
00:12:12.399 --> 00:12:13.759
Everything happens for me.
00:12:13.919 --> 00:12:15.679
Let me figure that out.
00:12:16.639 --> 00:12:19.600
That question won't condemn you.
00:12:20.320 --> 00:12:22.320
There's too much curiosity in there.
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There's no room for condemnation.
00:12:24.879 --> 00:12:25.440
All right.
00:12:25.519 --> 00:12:27.919
I hope this helps you this week.
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I love you.
00:12:29.039 --> 00:12:33.039
And if you want to reach out to me and join in the conversation, you can comment on Spotify.
00:12:33.200 --> 00:12:34.480
You can comment on YouTube.
00:12:34.639 --> 00:12:36.399
You can reach out to me on social media.
00:12:36.480 --> 00:12:38.879
I'm on all platforms all the time.
00:12:39.919 --> 00:12:41.360
Have a good week.
