Livestream Audio: A Positive Philosophy of Sex

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I proclaim with all the power that is in me that the Inside Out Podcast is the only true and living podcast on the face of the whole earth, with which I, Bruce Reginald McConkey, am well pleased.
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Speaking under the podcast collectively as well as individually.
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And Jim, where are you?
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I'm in an empty conference room in a luxury hotel in Brazil, Sao Paulo, Brazil.
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Wow.
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You're about 5,000 miles that way.
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Yeah, it's 11 p.m.
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here.
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So uh, but we just got here yesterday, so it still feels like 7 p.m.
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my time.
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But and how long are you there for with the choir?
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I am here until a week from today.
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No, from yesterday.
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We leave, we leave next Monday.
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So we're singing with the Tab choir.
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Our first concert is tomorrow.
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And so we'll see what happens.
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Well, uh, it's great to see you, as always.
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Always enjoy doing these uh podcasts, these conversations with you.
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And we have uh a very special guest, and someone that we've got to know really well, somebody that we somebody that we have absolute love and respect for.
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And he is none other than the acclaimed scholar, uh author, and historian Greg Prince.
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Welcome, Greg.
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Thank you.
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And I feel the weight of responsibility holding down the lower 48 alone without Jim's help.
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Uh well, it it's if it's any help, I'm underneath.
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I'm buttressing the lower 48 from where I am.
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So it's turtles all the way down, it's turtles all the way down.
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That's exactly right.
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So the United States is a bit vulnerable with Jim Bennett being out the country.
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That's what I'm hearing.
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Well, we've got we've got comments about this.
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Uh, just very quickly.
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We didn't get to a lot of comments last time, but uh tough slate going tonight going up against the state of the union, says Clake Settle.
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And uh Guy McDude wondered what that means, and that's what is it just to get Jim riled up on a Tuesday night.
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Uh Greg, I asked you if you wanted to watch the State of the Union.
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And do you want to share your response with the public?
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If they want to take up a collection and see if they can bribe me, but my price is very high.
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I don't think they can reach it.
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There you go.
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Yeah, we I think we're as uh probably a bit perhaps more valuable and a bit more entertaining here.
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So so Greg, it's great to see you as always.
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We have uh we just so appreciate you coming on and sharing your insights and your wisdom.
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Jim, as I said, it's always wonderful to have this uh this conversation with you.
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It's so much fun, and we hope our uh viewers and and uh will uh follow us and again post your questions, and we'll do our best to uh go through as many of the questions as we can.
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Well, Claudie, our old friend from last week, who who was on last week, says I wanted to thank Dr.
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Prince for his Thrive presentation.
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I didn't get a chance to say hello at Thrive, but really loved his perspective.
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When when did you give a Thrive presentation, right?
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I did it on Saturday evening in St.
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George to 700 people.
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It was a wonderful conference.
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Wonderful.
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Uh, was was Mike Foley the uh moderator there?
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Yes.
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Uh he is one of my favorite people on planet Earth.
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He was just a dumb kid coming home from his mission uh when I was working down at Tuacon.
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And he worked in the box office and uh just discovered that he was a massive talent, and we used him in some of our radio ads.
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Yeah, he knows how to find and motivate a tickle bone.
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Yes, he is a very, very funny guy.
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In fact, we need to get him on, Ian.
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And he he I I will send you some of his shorts.
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You will very much like his his his recent series about why I can't be bishop, Michael Foley.
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Yes, yes, Jim, leave him at at least one pair so that he can wear them.
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Leave him with one one what?
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One pair.
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You said you're gonna send him some of his shorts.
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Oh see, I was trying to channel him, and you didn't let me do it.
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There you go, there you go.
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That's my key.
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Work with him, Jim.
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Work with him.
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I'm sorry.
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Anyway, let's uh let's get into this because we have probably the most interesting topic that we probably ever uh covered on Inside Out, and certainly we've ever discussed with uh Greg Prince.
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Uh so we've been spending quite a bit of time with you, Greg, uh reviewing and discussing and uh debating uh the uh contents of what you have titled a roadmap for improving Mormonism.
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Now, Jim and I have had the uh the privilege of reading that and and learning from that and sharing our thoughts and feelings about that.
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And I've always said that's one of the most important documents that the church leadership should truly read and uh and consider and uh and and implement.
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There's some very significant points and recommendations and insights in that uh roadmap.
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And uh we we we're coming to the end of it, we've probably got two or three more topics, but we've reached a very interesting section in the roadmap, and that section is a titled A Positive Philosophy of Sex.
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And in that section, you say this you try to define the problem in this way.
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You say, the problem, a friend who spent her entire career as a professor at BYU told me that's you, several years ago, that the best information she had was that 60% of freshman women and 80% of freshman men had had premarital sex before enrolling at BYU.
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You go on to say in the roadmap that 100% of BYU students need an ecolastical endorsement that attests to their chastity and then Ecclesiastical.
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Ecclesiastical.
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Yeah.
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Ecclesiastical, thank you uh for helping me on that.
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Uh, that attest to their chastity, and then you say in a question, who are we kidding?
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Um, can you explain that a little bit more?
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And can you uh provide some of your thoughts in respect to that context and that question?
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Sure, those those numbers are easy to wrap your mind around.
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What you can't wrap your mind around is why the disparity, why the denial?
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Uh, I think related to this is a conversation I had several years ago with a classmate who had been a mission president just at the time you will remember it when they announced that they were raising the bar on missionary worthiness.
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I remember that.
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So he was back from his three-year mission, and I said, What difference did that make in your mission?
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And he held up his hand like this, saying, zero.
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He said, Missionaries know how to lie, and they'll lie to their bishop, not think not or with the expectation their mission president's not going to send them home.
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And I think that's that's only part of the problem.
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That's the cause, but the effects downstream are what concern me the most.
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That our not having a positive philosophy of sex, yet some things bottled up, and when they really come out, they do so in a way that can be self-destructive and destructive to others.
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And I sense that's where we're probably going in this discussion.
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It's not just a positive philosophy of sex, it's the downstream effect, including sexual abuse by church leaders, which is something we're all aware of, but continually is swept under the carpet.
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Right, right.
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So the that helps in terms of the context of this uh conversation.
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And you both of you, you were, you know, you're you're raised in the church, you went through you know primary youth.
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I joined when I was 16.
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But very actually during the missionary discussions, I think it was the third discussion where the law of chastity was taught by the missionaries, and I was okay with that, although I grew up in quite a third third discussion, not gig, yeah.
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Was that law of chastity?
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Anyway, go ahead.
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Sorry.
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I I think it was the third, it might have been the fourth discussion, you know, back in the 80s.
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Anyway, I felt differently growing up, I thought differently than a lot of my friends.
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We we lived in a uh quite an interesting community.
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There was uh not growing up in the church, a lot of my friends were having sex before um the idea of having sex before marriage.
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I mean, or waiting until you got married to have sex in the community I grew up was just laughable.
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They'd just think you're an idiot, right?
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So a lot of the kids were having sex, you know, 14, 15, 16 years old.
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When I got heard the message about chastity, I thought that was wonderful because I didn't want to live that kind of lifestyle.
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And that was that was unusual, I think, for the time and place that I grew up in.
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So when the mission taught about the law of chastity, it was something that I thought was incredibly valuable.
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And they also taught me that uh the church considers that sexual activity is sacred and reserved exclusively for marriage between uh specifically and exclusively a man and a woman.
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And the law of chastity requires strict abstinence before marriage and absolute fidelity within it.
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And sexual relations are considered a divine, uh procreative and bonding act meant for creating life and strengthening marital love.
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So they talked a lot about the law of chastity, its purpose, restrictions, what you can and what you can't do, preparation, you know, how we live our lives in terms of things we shouldn't do, and and well, mostly we shouldn't do.
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There were very few, very rare conversations, me from my experience from the age of 16 in the church talking about the positive aspects of sex.
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I can't recall, but aside from it being for procreation, and someone telling me that you can have a spiritual experience during sex, which I found uh interesting and it was called all very new to me.
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Most of the teachings and the doctrine and the conversations were all about what you couldn't do and what you shouldn't do, and the consequences, the very severe consequences that if you breached or broke or even bent any of the rules, that the penalty was back in the 80s and 90s was extremely severe.
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There was even a quote that was shared with me in a young men's lesson that it would be better to die than to lose one's chastity.
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I thought that was extreme.
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Although I uh accepted the principle of chastity and found it very um positive in my life, and I it was something that I welcomed, you know, it was something that felt right to me.
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Uh the extreme teachings and some of the dogma I found quite disturbing.
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Um you know, growing up in the church from the age of 16 and the the strict adherence to uh you know not uh masturbating, not looking at pornography, etc.
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etc.
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This was before the internet, so it it uh things changed, of course, when the internet came, you know, uh came on stream, etc.
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But when the bishop met with you, um had the youth interviews, he would ask you if you had any problems with masturbation or you know any other uh issues to do with uh sexuality, uh, you know, and even thinking about girls in a certain way, uh, you know, was a sin.
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So it was was uh drummed into me.
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I was gr we were grilled at times by the bishop, who's very strict, about the uh the do's and don'ts in terms of of sex.
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There's also some odd, weird teachings that if you looked at pornography in any form, or if you masturbated, that you would become gay, which was absolutely bizarre.
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And so when we were preparing for this podcast, I asked Eugen about what's the scope of this conversation and what's the threshold for having the conversation.
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The reason why I share this with you, and I'm really keen to get Greg's thoughts here and yours as well, uh Jim, is that I have an experience of uh the church teachings on sexuality, going from non-church youth into church, and then going into my mission and having to deal with that as a zone leader with certain missionaries, and a mission present having to deal that with certain missionaries on the mission, and then fast forward to when I was.
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I want to interrupt you, Ian, just because are you saying that missionaries would like confess that they masturbated to you as a zone leader?
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Yes, really, yes, there were two occasions.
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So the the the the zone leader, the zone leader's job uh increasingly compared to a district leader and other traditional companionships, is to look after the missionaries, right?
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Is over the zone, and one of his primary mandates is to look after the missionaries.
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And there was a couple of missionaries that had that issue for sure.
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There were certainly friends of mine that had these difficulties before they went on a mission.
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Some were even told that they were not worthy to go on a mission because they had these issues, and they had to uh refrain from that activity for at least three months.
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I think one occasion it was six months before they would even be considered to serve a mission.
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There was even missions that came back home because they uh uh couldn't follow the rules, and there was a missionary that had to stand up in sacrament and didn't give specific reasons why they had to come home, but it people became aware that that was the reason why this individual came home.
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So the guilt, the crushing guilt that these young people felt, the pressure to follow this very strict uh law, this very strict code, keep keeping in mind, uh, and we all know this, your hormones at this point in life, especially before emission, are raging, right?
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You you're a young kid, you're you're attracted uh to someone, you fancy someone, and these are natural feelings.
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But I wasn't taught so much about that.
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I was taught 90% of what I was taught was the penalties and the consequences of breaching these uh these rules.
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Very quickly, fast forward, uh, when I served in these senior leadership callings, individuals would come to me and talk to me about all kinds of stuff to do with uh sex and sexual activity, a lot of which I didn't understand and frankly was unprepared for and felt completely overwhelmed and had no training and felt completely inadequate trying to help people older than me on things that I had no knowledge or understanding.
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So I've kind of taken you through a bit of a uh whistle stop tour, if you like, of some of the, you know, my experiences, my insights from youth, missionary, leadership.
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And so this section I think is absolutely in the roadmaps, absolutely critical to the church.
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Greg, to you, could you, in the context of your roadmap, could you respond to some of those items?
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Yeah, let me seemingly diverge, but not much.
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The story is that a cab driver and a priest died on the same day and got to the gates of heaven.
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Saint Peter greets the taxi cab driver first and says, Here is a silk robe and a golden staff, welcome to heaven.
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Well, the preacher is feeling pretty good at this point because after all, he's a preacher and this guy's a cabbie.
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So he approaches the gates, and Saint Peter says, Here's a wooden staff and a wool robe, welcome to heaven.
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Whereupon the priest says, Um, beg your pardon, but I think you got that backwards.
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I've spent my life in God's service, and yet here's what I got for it.
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Saint Peter said, This is heaven, and we are results-oriented.
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When you priest, people slept, when they got into his cab, they prayed.
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And and in a way, that frames what we're talking about here.
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I don't think any of us have any problem at all with the idea that chastity is the ideal goal.
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The problem is the gulf between that ideal and the reality.
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And that says, regardless of what the goal is and regardless of what the intentions are, we're not working it.
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It's not working.
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And so what do we do?
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Do we either trash the idea of chastity and say the status quo is here to stay, or do we reset and say, if we can teach a positive philosophy, then maybe there's a positive motivation instead of the negative motivation that all three of us were raised with.
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Yeah.
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You don't mute, Jim?
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Sorry about that.
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No, that makes an awful lot of sense.
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And I, you know, I'm looking at some of these comments.
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I want to bring some of these in the discussion.
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Um Clayton Settle asked, uh, I would like to ask about if missionaries are sent home from the NPC or prohibited from going on mission for speeding up the little factory.
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Being cheeky, but I also actually want the answer.
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And Ian, you answered that for what was happening in the late 1980s.
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And my understanding is that that is no longer the case.
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Uh and in fact, the the whole little factory talk, Boyd K.
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Packer Little Factory talk, has been quietly shelved.
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If you go to the church's website, you can still find the video if you know exactly where to look.
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But if you go to the October 1976 General Conference where he actually gave that talk, it's as if Boyd K.
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Packer sat that conference out.
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The church has quietly retired the whole little factory approach.
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And the only reference to masturbation that you can find in the church handbook is one line saying it should not be the subject of church disciplinary counsel.
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Uh, I've had several bishops uh talk to me that they have received direct counsel that people are not to be denied any sort of that there should be no ecclesiastical sanction for masturbation.
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You shouldn't deny them a temple recommend, you should deny them going on a mission and all of that.
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But the thing is that shift for whatever it is has never been announced or discussed.
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And so there are still plenty of people and plenty of bishops, I think, that are more than happy to follow the Boyd K.
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Packer model.
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Do you have any insight on that, Greg, in terms of where the church is now?
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Let me give you some historical perspective because this is another issue, as was birth control, where we have slowly backed out of a really bad policy.
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We're not yet at a really good one, but we're not where we used to be.
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I want to read you a brief entry in the diary of Abraham Cannon.
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He was in the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles at the end of the 19th century.
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This is from January 4th, 1894.
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He says the oldest son of J.
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Hiram Grant of Bountiful, a bright, promising youth of 20 years, went violently insane on New Year's Day and will very likely have to go to the asylum.
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No reason can be assigned for this calamity unless it is the result of self abuse.
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You know what that was a euphemism for.
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Which which sent Oscar Young there a few days ago and is the cause of much insanity.
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People thus given to vice.
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So I guess we've made a little bit of progress, but that still doesn't get us to a positive philosophy.
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Well, when you talk about a positive philosophy, uh I mean I I I don't ever see the church just saying, oh, well, it's no big deal.
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Teenagers are just going to have sex anyway.
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Is that where you are hoping we land?
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Uh no.
00:22:30.720 --> 00:22:44.880
Uh, but I think there's got to be an acknowledgement of what the reality is, and then try to craft a positive message that can gradually trim those numbers.
00:22:45.279 --> 00:22:47.279
You're not going to get there one step.
00:22:47.440 --> 00:22:55.200
But again, as Ian said, all of us were raised with don't, don't, don't, and if you do, we will punish you.
00:22:55.279 --> 00:22:57.759
That is not a positive philosophy.
00:23:00.000 --> 00:23:02.160
That's what we've got to get away from.
00:23:02.319 --> 00:23:04.160
Now, where do we go from there?
00:23:04.400 --> 00:23:09.440
I don't think it's to the extreme where we just throw open the doors and say anything goes.
00:23:09.920 --> 00:23:10.640
Yeah, yeah.
00:23:10.880 --> 00:23:16.880
Because there are good reasons for living a chaste life before marriage.
00:23:17.119 --> 00:23:33.039
I think one of the major contributors to marriage failures, to the high divorce rate, is the infidelity after marriage, which has got to relate to infidelity before marriage.
00:23:34.160 --> 00:23:49.039
It's that kind of thing, realizing the problem, but addressing it not from saying, don't do this or we'll crunch you, but rather saying, do this because it is a better way of living, something like that.
00:23:49.279 --> 00:23:50.480
Does that make sense?
00:23:50.720 --> 00:23:51.039
Yeah.
00:23:51.599 --> 00:23:52.400
Yes, it does.
00:23:52.720 --> 00:23:57.839
Our experience informs our views and our insights.
00:23:58.000 --> 00:24:05.279
And I you both have your own insights and experience uh from your life in the church.
00:24:05.359 --> 00:24:06.400
I had my own.
00:24:06.640 --> 00:24:12.160
When I was, and I just want to kind of paint a picture of reality here.
00:24:12.240 --> 00:24:15.039
Uh it'd be interesting to see what you guys think of this.
00:24:15.279 --> 00:24:22.640
Growing up in the youth and certainly the YSA, a lot of kids, my friends, were having sex.
00:24:23.359 --> 00:24:24.720
They shouldn't be having sex.
00:24:24.880 --> 00:24:27.599
They were told not to have sex, they were having sex.
00:24:28.000 --> 00:24:30.400
There were different forms of sex.
00:24:30.960 --> 00:24:37.279
Uh, there were conversations about, well, you can do this, but you can't go too far, or you can't do this, you've got to be careful.
00:24:37.359 --> 00:24:44.000
There's certain people trying to burn the rules, and most of my friends were doing this, many of them.
00:24:44.400 --> 00:24:46.000
Uh, that's for sure.
00:24:46.160 --> 00:25:05.759
And so that and then when they went to their bishop, because they were um crushed, frankly, with guilt, and they the the the prospect and the horror of the parents finding out or the bishop finding out, or you know, being uh not being able to take the sacrament.
00:25:05.839 --> 00:25:06.799
Just think about that, right?
00:25:06.880 --> 00:25:18.559
So you're some you know, you're there in this in the um congregation, the the bread and the water uh come to you, and you're told by the bishop uh you can't take the sacrament.
00:25:18.640 --> 00:25:31.759
That's an absolutely ridiculous thing to do because people see people not taking the sacrament and they make a judgment, uh, and they can see what's going on.
00:25:31.920 --> 00:25:34.400
The bishop can see that, others can see that, etc.
00:25:34.880 --> 00:25:41.359
Rumors fly, and it can be absolutely destructive, not just on youth, but on people of all ages.
00:25:41.839 --> 00:25:45.039
And then so that was happening.
00:25:45.279 --> 00:25:50.720
They told the bishop that they were observing the law of chastity.
00:25:51.200 --> 00:25:54.960
Many of my friends, or some of my friends at least, were not.
00:25:55.200 --> 00:26:00.640
Some of them went on a mission and had had sex just before they went on a mission.
00:26:01.279 --> 00:26:04.319
They had problems on their mission.
00:26:04.480 --> 00:26:07.119
Most of them stayed on the mission, somehow figured it out.
00:26:07.200 --> 00:26:08.799
Some came home, sadly.
00:26:09.279 --> 00:26:37.839
But on the mission, in our mission gym as well, and certainly somebody that I know who's just returned from a mission, so recently, were racked with guilt when they'd uh broken some of the mission rules, and was told that the reason why they didn't meet their baptism goal for that month was because of their unworthiness.
00:26:38.480 --> 00:26:40.240
And we were taught that, Jim.
00:26:40.400 --> 00:26:42.960
I was taught that by President Dunn.
00:26:43.599 --> 00:26:46.319
Dunn, not but I don't think Banks taught that, it wasn't like that.
00:26:46.400 --> 00:27:04.160
But Dunn, a mission president, said that any breach, uh, even a fort, uh, could jeopardize the Lord's work in Scotland, and that uh would likely result in the Lord not blessing the mission with the number with the baptism.
00:27:04.400 --> 00:27:37.920
But also, as missionaries, it got worse because it wasn't just reaching the baptismal goal, it was you were putting people's salvation at risk because you weren't living the rules, and when you weren't living the rules, the spirit wasn't with you, and when the spirit wasn't with you, the Lord uh wouldn't allow, and I'm trying to quote it word for word here from the mission present, wouldn't allow his elect to be taught by a missionary that was unworthy because that person was say masturbating.
00:27:38.160 --> 00:27:43.759
That's the extreme that uh things can go to, which is absolutely crushing.
00:27:44.000 --> 00:28:03.039
Mentally it's just destroying and is terrifying, and the threat of going home in shame because you couldn't follow those rules, or you just couldn't get, you know, you couldn't get a handle on it, or you couldn't kind of figure it out, and then going home with shame is absolutely awful.
00:28:03.200 --> 00:28:09.759
Now, I now you think that those experiences were assigned to the 80s and 90s and before that.
00:28:10.000 --> 00:28:14.480
A friend of mine just got back, and that was his that was his experience.
00:28:14.640 --> 00:28:20.000
Uh I'm interested in having him come on to the podcast, he's not ready yet, but that was his experience.
00:28:20.160 --> 00:28:24.960
So in the church, they don't talk about uh the positive aspects of sex.
00:28:25.680 --> 00:28:43.200
Uh I can't remember a conversation having about the positive elements of sex, and that's why the roadmap, again, on this section, along with every other section of the roadmap, is so important to read and understand and for the leadership to address this.
00:28:43.359 --> 00:28:53.920
Yes, not open all the doors, I get that, but to have some grown-up adult conversation about and accepting that kids are going to have sex, young people are gonna have sex.
00:28:54.240 --> 00:28:56.480
How do you have responsible sex?
00:28:56.559 --> 00:28:58.240
What about sex education in schools?
00:28:58.400 --> 00:29:27.680
What about taking some of the professional advice out there in you know, with professionals, responsible people, who talk about sex education and implementing positive, constructive uh teachings and principles and education on responsible sex, not irresponsible sex, on responsible sex and on consent and on respect.
00:29:28.000 --> 00:29:30.319
Because you're not going to stop young people having sex.
00:29:30.799 --> 00:29:37.039
It just, I mean, I can't think of a bigger challenge in the history of mankind to stop people having sex.
00:29:37.119 --> 00:29:40.799
They just won't, you're not gonna stop people having sex, right?
00:29:41.200 --> 00:29:44.079
So, how do you have responsible sex?
00:29:44.240 --> 00:29:55.200
That's where the church should shift its resources into sex, sexual education, uh, and delivered uh professionally with professionally trained people.
00:29:55.359 --> 00:29:56.880
Greg, what do you think about that?
00:29:57.200 --> 00:30:05.440
Well, I can remember when there were bitter battles in Utah over whether there should be sex education classes in school.
00:30:05.680 --> 00:30:07.519
I don't know where that landed.
00:30:07.759 --> 00:30:14.000
My conscience that they decided no, that's the parents' responsibility.
00:30:14.160 --> 00:30:16.240
Um, good luck with that one.
00:30:17.680 --> 00:30:21.839
Going back on my own experience, I was born in 1948.
00:30:22.720 --> 00:30:37.119
Our sex education consisted of my father sitting down with my oldest of my two older brothers and kind of fumbling around and then handing him a book called Facts of Love and Life for Teenagers and Leaving the Room.
00:30:38.160 --> 00:30:39.119
And that was it.
00:30:39.279 --> 00:30:40.960
It was trickle down from there.
00:30:41.039 --> 00:30:43.920
That book got passed from one brother to the other.
00:30:44.640 --> 00:30:46.319
That's not the way it should be done.
00:30:46.480 --> 00:30:48.240
And I agree with you, Ian.
00:30:48.559 --> 00:30:59.119
It should be done in a professional way, ideally by professionals, because these are not easy issues to deal with.
00:30:59.440 --> 00:31:16.240
It's very difficult to have a whole group of pre-pubescent boys and girls and know how to reach them on the level that's most appropriate for them, because that'll vary not even by age, but by where you sit in the classroom.
00:31:16.559 --> 00:31:20.240
And you really need that level of professional expertise.
00:31:20.480 --> 00:31:39.519
I think one of the other things we see for lack of that positive philosophy of sex is that so many people, when they do get married, are not prepared and can have disastrous sexual encounters with their spouse because they're totally naive.
00:31:39.599 --> 00:31:41.279
And that's not good either.
00:31:45.279 --> 00:31:50.160
I mean, that point I think we don't talk about nearly enough.
00:31:50.640 --> 00:31:58.160
Because, you know, when you're told your entire life that this is awful, this is dirty, this is a sin next to murder.
00:31:58.400 --> 00:32:02.000
How dare you accept now you're married, go at it.
00:32:02.319 --> 00:32:06.559
Yes, and you have absolutely well, okay.
00:32:06.799 --> 00:32:09.039
I don't really understand this.
00:32:09.519 --> 00:32:16.160
Uh, you know, it it's I'm not going to get any more specific than that, other than to say, yeah, that is an issue.
00:32:16.319 --> 00:32:21.839
Uh, I want to I want to get into those some of these um these uh comments and questions.
00:32:22.079 --> 00:32:26.079
A guy, McDude, I don't know if we saw this, but he was a raised bar missionary.
00:32:26.319 --> 00:32:33.440
Clayton says, Well, Joseph either surely broke the law of chastity or broke the new and everlasting covenant of marriage by divorce with Fanny Alger.
00:32:33.680 --> 00:32:37.119
So if the founder screws up, maybe we should get some grace.
00:32:37.599 --> 00:32:39.680
Uh that's a whole other topic.
00:32:39.920 --> 00:32:44.559
Um, I was gay before I ever saw porn, says Brittany the apostate.
00:32:44.640 --> 00:32:48.799
And and I think more and more even the church recognizes that that's true.
00:32:49.039 --> 00:32:53.279
Miracle of forgiveness taught that any young man being called should be free of that practice before leaving.
00:32:53.440 --> 00:32:55.440
I may have the exact wording off a little.
00:32:55.519 --> 00:32:57.519
That that's that is very, very close.
00:32:57.759 --> 00:33:03.920
It's for miracle forgiveness, Ian, that you get that idea that masturbation leads to homosexuality, which you do.
00:33:04.000 --> 00:33:07.119
And I'm glad you're real quick, and then I'll hand the time back over to you.
00:33:07.200 --> 00:33:12.799
But in Spencer Kimball's uh Miracle of Forgiveness, which is we were we were told to read that on the mission.
00:33:12.960 --> 00:33:14.160
You're not supposed to read it now.
00:33:14.240 --> 00:33:16.880
The church has quietly moved away from that, they don't talk about that.
00:33:17.039 --> 00:33:18.240
Uh, but but Spencer W.
00:33:18.480 --> 00:33:25.039
Kimball says this it is better to die in defending one's virtue than to live having lost without a struggle.
00:33:25.119 --> 00:33:26.799
I find that absolutely strongly.
00:33:27.119 --> 00:33:28.240
Uh, you continue, Jim.
00:33:28.319 --> 00:33:28.960
Back to you.
00:33:29.200 --> 00:33:31.599
Well, I'm just going through comments, just quick.
00:33:31.759 --> 00:33:33.119
Um, damn it, dude.
00:33:33.200 --> 00:33:45.920
How can church create space for stories where members remain faithful despite ecclesiastical sexual abuses, yet only found their deepest healing outside the framework they were taught to trust?
00:33:46.400 --> 00:33:48.880
Greg, you have an answer to that one?
00:33:49.119 --> 00:33:50.559
No, I don't have a good answer.
00:33:50.640 --> 00:33:52.079
It's a good question.
00:33:53.039 --> 00:34:12.639
It's a very good question, and it makes it more difficult, I think, for members to have a positive philosophy of sex when they are aware of the magnitude of sexual abuse in the church and how much of it is covered up.
00:34:13.039 --> 00:34:15.440
That just adds to the problem.
00:34:17.360 --> 00:34:19.440
Yeah, it absolutely does.
00:34:19.679 --> 00:34:29.440
Um, at last she said it episode last week, 2023, at Girls Campus State president brought a cake, spoke, and gave the licked cake lesson to the girls.
00:34:30.079 --> 00:34:33.039
Seems that the path is not as far behind us as we thought.
00:34:33.199 --> 00:34:34.800
That's from our friend Bruce.
00:34:34.960 --> 00:34:39.360
Uh, and and yeah, you know, the the licked cake, the chewed gum.
00:34:39.519 --> 00:34:57.920
Uh, we got away from the chewed gum because Elizabeth Smart talked about that uh very publicly and talked about how she, you know, this this is this the object lesson where everybody you have a piece of chewed gum and you want to pass it around, and if you have sex before marriage, you're chewed gum.
00:34:58.159 --> 00:35:08.480
Uh and that, I mean, that that is such an unhealthy philosophy simply because uh it it doesn't allow for any sort of repentance.
00:35:08.880 --> 00:35:20.400
You know, you're chewed gum, regardless of whether you repent or not, when the scriptures talk about that Jesus and our Heavenly Father will remember our sins no more if we repent.
00:35:20.639 --> 00:35:34.000
So and if you buy into that idea that if you sin, all is lost, then maybe all is lost because you throw in the towel and say, why bother?
00:35:34.880 --> 00:35:37.199
That's about as bad as it gets.
00:35:37.840 --> 00:35:40.239
I I agree.
00:35:40.400 --> 00:35:49.280
I I this conversation is just reminding me about something, and I'll try to be as uh sensitive as I can.
00:35:49.519 --> 00:36:10.880
Um individual, uh when you call as a leader in the church, apart from ecclesiastical uh got that word right this time, Jim, uh training, and other training that you get as a pre shield leader, a whole bunch of training, right?
00:36:11.119 --> 00:36:20.079
No, there's no training for bishops or state presidents on this stuff, really, in terms of dealing with adults, couples, youth, etc.
00:36:20.320 --> 00:36:20.880
There just isn't.
00:36:20.960 --> 00:36:28.559
The church has got these vast resources in so many areas to bring people in, befriend them, call them, retain them, etc.
00:36:28.719 --> 00:36:28.960
etc.
00:36:29.280 --> 00:36:48.079
And then uh other areas which are so crucial to living a happy and fulfilling life, uh positive uh sex is being one of them, a a major uh component in in one's life, uh, for lots of reasons that we we won't go into necessarily, but we can do if you want to.
00:36:48.320 --> 00:36:59.760
A lot of the positive things that are associated with uh you know with sex in a healthy way, of course, that the church frankly fails to even attempt address.
00:37:00.960 --> 00:37:14.079
The the the the shame that the church doesn't provide those kind of resources to have to give training to people like me and others who have been in these callings, who feel completely overwhelmed and completely inadequate.
00:37:14.239 --> 00:37:19.920
And and when you to build up a relationship with trust, here's the problem, here's the dilemma.
00:37:20.159 --> 00:37:27.760
You be a good leader, you're honest, you try to be humble, you do your best you can, you care, you love your members, they then trust you, right?
00:37:28.400 --> 00:37:30.800
They trust you because you care for them.
00:37:31.039 --> 00:37:33.119
You know, this leader cares for me.
00:37:33.360 --> 00:37:48.159
I I feel I can open up and share my thoughts and feelings with this leader, and then they do, and then the leader feels completely inadequate and has other than prayer and reading the scriptures, has no professional training whatsoever.
00:37:48.320 --> 00:38:29.199
And the second thing I want to share uh with a little bit of personal experience, um and this this absolutely uh just hit me so hard, and I felt so so inadequate um and so overwhelmed with a situation where an individual had plucked up the courage, frankly, uh over months to come and talk to me about something that happened to them that was against their will.
00:38:30.159 --> 00:38:54.800
I I I won't use certain words, but they were they were sexually abused and they fell and they were told by another leader that they were no longer virtuous, and we've talked a bit about that, Jim, way back on Inside Out when we talked about problematic scriptures.
00:38:54.880 --> 00:38:55.360
Do you remember that?
00:38:55.440 --> 00:38:56.559
It was the first episode we ever did.
00:38:56.719 --> 00:38:58.320
It's our very first episode, yeah.
00:38:58.559 --> 00:39:16.400
Yeah, and so there are individuals in the church who have experienced sexual abuse, they've been forced to have sex, they've been raped, and they feel an extraordinary sense of guilt.
00:39:16.639 --> 00:39:20.079
I I cannot begin to imagine or understand.
00:39:21.599 --> 00:39:48.000
They're talking to somebody that is not trained to help them, that doesn't have the answers, is not equipped, doesn't have the skills, and they hear at times that they have lost their chastity and they are no longer virtuous, and this is absolutely crushing and devastating on the individuals.
00:39:48.239 --> 00:40:04.320
Can you imagine how you go through that experience, which I can't imagine what that's like, and then you learn that you're not worthy, or you're no longer virtuous, or you're no longer seen as pure.
00:40:04.559 --> 00:40:09.679
I can't think of anything more heinous, more destructive than that.
00:40:10.000 --> 00:40:16.320
Greg, could you try and speak to that in the context of this section in your roadmap?
00:40:16.480 --> 00:40:21.760
I know it's a difficult area, but these are the realities that are in the church.
00:40:22.159 --> 00:40:39.360
Well, you're talking about the other end of this two-ended dilemma, the front end being we're not getting the results that we think we should get, and we need to change the philosophy in the hopes that we're getting a better outcome.
00:40:39.519 --> 00:40:46.400
The other is okay, what happens when they cross that line and we don't do a good job?
00:40:46.639 --> 00:40:56.559
So often uh we have the hammer coming down rather than the open hand coming out to help.
00:40:56.880 --> 00:41:06.239
I was in the first, in the bishopric of the first singles ward in Washington, DC, which was formed in 1981.
00:41:07.039 --> 00:41:17.119
Our bishop was Sterling Colton, who was general counsel for the Marriott Corporation, as good a singles ward bishop as I can imagine.
00:41:18.239 --> 00:41:25.119
In the three years we were in that bishopric, we had zero church corps.
00:41:26.320 --> 00:41:28.960
We blessed 12 babies.
00:41:29.679 --> 00:41:36.000
You can do the arithmetic, and Sterling, in my opinion, got it right every time.
00:41:36.800 --> 00:41:48.800
There was not the guilt trip, there was the arm around the shoulder, there was genuine compassion, not saying you are a sinner and we will punish you.
00:41:48.960 --> 00:41:57.599
It was just the opposite, and because of that, those women stayed in the church rather than being thrown out.
00:41:57.840 --> 00:42:03.440
That's more of the attitude and the result I think we have to have.
00:42:04.000 --> 00:42:07.119
Ian, does that address the question adequately?
00:42:07.440 --> 00:42:24.639
It does, it does, and it gives me hope and encouragement that there are people in the church that are so wise and thoughtful and sensitive that they're able to uh create and generate those kind of results.
00:42:24.880 --> 00:42:29.119
You know, we're all children of God, we're all struggling with something in some way, right?
00:42:29.199 --> 00:42:32.000
We you know, people struggle with self-esteem, self-worth.
00:42:32.320 --> 00:42:43.360
The church uh is um so much of it is is that is guilt-driven, in my view, and there's not enough of what you've just described.
00:42:43.599 --> 00:42:48.960
Now I'm thinking about that bishop that you're speaking about is an example of Christ.
00:42:49.119 --> 00:42:53.519
Christ would be like that, he would be open, kind, constructive.
00:42:53.679 --> 00:42:59.920
You know, look what he did with the uh what's that story, Jim, in the scriptures where the was it that they were throwing stones at the prostitute.
00:43:00.000 --> 00:43:00.320
Is that right?
00:43:00.400 --> 00:43:03.280
Is that the woman caught in adultery?
00:43:03.679 --> 00:43:09.039
I apologize caught in adultery, and what did Christ do in that situation?
00:43:09.599 --> 00:43:12.320
Go and sin no more, go and sin no more.
00:43:12.880 --> 00:43:15.039
Neither do I condemn these, also.
00:43:15.599 --> 00:43:19.199
Yes, so there's the example right there.
00:43:19.599 --> 00:43:28.880
He didn't um you know uh communicate in a way where it it may crush people into guilt.
00:43:29.519 --> 00:43:36.239
He, I mean, if someone speaks like that to you, they're gonna bring out the best in you.
00:43:36.320 --> 00:43:39.119
You're gonna want to do better because of the love.
00:43:39.280 --> 00:43:42.639
You're motivated by love, not by guilt.
00:43:43.119 --> 00:43:48.480
And I thought the church was motivated by love, not by guilt, but I think a lot of it is guilt.
00:43:48.639 --> 00:43:52.480
I'm gonna go on a bit of a limb here and throw a spanner in the works.
00:43:52.639 --> 00:43:54.159
Do you know what a spanner is?
00:43:56.159 --> 00:43:59.760
Uh no, but I've heard the phrase a spanner in the works, so I know.
00:44:00.159 --> 00:44:01.599
That it's a wrench.
00:44:01.760 --> 00:44:04.000
So here's my skepticism.
00:44:04.239 --> 00:44:18.400
Given what I've said earlier, and all the resources that the church has access to, and the intelligence that the act the church has access to, the vast resources around the addiction programs, and again, I repeat, very intel run by very intelligent people.
00:44:19.360 --> 00:44:22.320
Does the church even want to address this?
00:44:22.880 --> 00:44:29.760
And if I go further, does the church this is probably too far, and you can push back on this.
00:44:30.400 --> 00:44:35.519
Is this not an element of control over people?
00:44:36.079 --> 00:44:48.800
Is the church not doing these things, providing these support and these services, because it either isn't interested, doesn't understand it, or doesn't even want to do it?
00:44:48.960 --> 00:44:50.880
I don't accept it's not interested.
00:44:51.119 --> 00:44:58.559
I don't accept that it doesn't have the resources, I don't accept that it doesn't understand or is intelligent enough to uh address the issues.
00:44:58.800 --> 00:45:03.679
I mean, uh, we're gonna say we're having this conversation right now live about these issues.
00:45:04.000 --> 00:45:28.320
Again, forgiven for being uh you know cynical, rather, is the church deliberately not providing these resources to have these conversations on you know, uh positive conversations on sex and sexuality because it has you know it is an element of control because the church controls every aspect of your life.
00:45:28.559 --> 00:45:33.199
The that that side of your life is is under strict control.
00:45:33.840 --> 00:45:36.239
We there's a long list of what you can't do.
00:45:36.639 --> 00:45:42.079
You know, even married couples that come to the bishop and ask all kinds of questions.
00:45:42.239 --> 00:45:46.880
Uh there's a lot of you can't do this, you can't do that, you can't do that, you can't do that, right?
00:45:47.199 --> 00:45:50.559
So, why is the church not doing this?
00:45:51.119 --> 00:45:55.039
I don't accept I can't think of a reason why it wouldn't do it.
00:45:56.000 --> 00:45:56.400
Can you?
00:45:56.719 --> 00:45:57.519
Can you too?
00:45:59.280 --> 00:46:03.360
Uh one of the problems is the church doesn't know how to change on anything.
00:46:04.079 --> 00:46:07.679
And this is a biggie, so it would be a big change.
00:46:08.079 --> 00:46:20.480
Another is I don't think that the training of bishops and stake presidents is adequate to establish any kind of norm.
00:46:21.039 --> 00:46:29.119
You you hear the reports that it's almost like the politicians choosing their voters.
00:46:29.599 --> 00:46:38.239
The sinner will choose the bishop if there's a confession to be had at all that's likely to give the mildest outcome.
00:46:38.480 --> 00:46:40.559
There shouldn't be that variability.
00:46:40.639 --> 00:46:48.079
There should be the uniform standard, and it should be the standard of go and sin no more, neither do I condemn thee.
00:46:49.599 --> 00:46:56.320
I think that's one of the most important points that I've heard ever, and certainly on any conversation like this.
00:46:56.719 --> 00:47:02.000
I think when I was the bishop, I disfellowshipped one person.
00:47:02.480 --> 00:47:03.119
That was it.
00:47:03.199 --> 00:47:05.519
In all the time I served as a bishop.
00:47:06.239 --> 00:47:09.039
There's no way I was going to be that kind of bishop.
00:47:09.199 --> 00:47:13.599
And I heard, um, I'm not saying I was the greatest bishop at all.
00:47:13.760 --> 00:47:14.559
You know, I wasn't.
00:47:14.639 --> 00:47:17.519
I'm not saying at all that I was like that.
00:47:17.760 --> 00:47:38.800
But I do know that that roulette leadership, as it's described, you know, the idea of going to a bishop that's kinder and more forgiving and and being able to open up and trust and come away with you know the least consequences and so not having to be disfellowshipped or excommunicated and the shame and and destruction that that brings.
00:47:38.880 --> 00:48:14.480
Um, and you and the idea of hanging on to sin and and and trauma because you can't talk to your bishop, because your bishop will condemn you or excommunicate you or disfellowship you or will do something to bring shame to you, and you're hanging on to that, and and you're carrying it every day like a big chain because you can't you can't talk to anybody about it, and you go through, you know, the bishop that's changed and and and changed out, and the next bishop is no different, you can't talk to him, and so people carry this.
00:48:14.639 --> 00:48:24.880
I had people carrying stuff for decades, 30, 40 years, and they'd carried this uh for so long and were so unhappy.
00:48:25.199 --> 00:48:41.360
And then uh when they open up, the joy and the tears that been on the floor in my office, just absolutely relieved that they've got this off their chest, and those things that they shared with me.
00:48:41.599 --> 00:48:47.599
Uh, I vowed, and I will never break this vow, I will take those things to my grave.
00:48:48.559 --> 00:48:52.079
Absolutely, they will die with me as they should, right?
00:48:52.960 --> 00:48:56.159
But we should be able to speak to any bishop.
00:48:56.800 --> 00:49:00.079
You can't do that, Greg Jim, unless they're trained.
00:49:00.320 --> 00:49:11.440
You can't, I don't know if you can train compassion, but at least the training, professional training would teach them, guys, you've got to be compassionate and bring Christ into it for sure.
00:49:11.519 --> 00:49:13.599
But here's some professional training, right?
00:49:15.679 --> 00:49:18.400
We're desperate for training as leaders in the church.
00:49:18.800 --> 00:49:20.800
Let me intervene here.
00:49:21.679 --> 00:49:37.760
Several years ago, the church history department was asked to do some research and determine what was the rate of return of people who had been excommunicated.
00:49:38.000 --> 00:49:45.599
You can remember the euphemism courts of love, which is a way to assist you in the process of repentance.
00:49:45.920 --> 00:49:56.320
The percentage who ever returned to the church was two percent, and that's very telling that we're not doing this the right way.
00:49:57.440 --> 00:49:58.800
Yeah, I agree.
00:49:58.960 --> 00:50:00.880
Jim, do you want to go through some of the questions?
00:50:01.519 --> 00:50:02.079
Sure.
00:50:02.480 --> 00:50:11.440
Um, yeah, I I put up Guy McDude's I put this up when you were talking about control, Ian, because I think that that's very much in line with what Guy McDude is saying.
00:50:11.519 --> 00:50:15.840
Christianity uses sexuality to break its adherence and attempt to justify Christ's atonement.
00:50:16.079 --> 00:50:18.159
I am not sexually broken and never have been.
00:50:18.320 --> 00:50:22.079
This topic is the reason I will never again be a true believing member.
00:50:22.239 --> 00:50:24.320
Uh, Deanne Sanchez says, Amen.
00:50:24.800 --> 00:50:30.559
Greg, please further describe the positive philosophy you would recommend, says Forever Pexter.
00:50:32.400 --> 00:50:34.800
I guess that's my opening, huh?
00:50:37.039 --> 00:50:42.960
Well, yeah, I mean, you've talked uh quite a bit about this, and and I mean this becomes the challenge in a lot of things.
00:50:44.079 --> 00:51:02.320
When I was in that bishopric, I leaned on the bishop and said, we should have a sacrament meeting devoted to this very issue of a positive philosophy of sex, and he agreed, but then when it came time, he backed down.
00:51:03.280 --> 00:51:06.159
Which I don't think maligns him.
00:51:06.320 --> 00:51:16.480
I think it speaks to the difficulty because we are so ingrained as a culture to have a negative philosophy, we don't even know how to begin.
00:51:16.800 --> 00:51:36.000
But I think a way to begin would be for teachers, for leaders at the local level and at the general level to start talking in positive terms, not about punishment, not about sin, but saying this is the way that leads you to greater happiness.
00:51:36.239 --> 00:51:39.039
That's why we're asking you to do it.
00:51:39.280 --> 00:51:43.920
Not because we're going to hit you on the head if you step out of line.
00:51:44.239 --> 00:51:47.440
Something like that is at least a good start.
00:51:47.760 --> 00:52:04.719
But then I think you lean heavily on the professionals, the therapists, to come in and I think structure a curriculum that touches all the important points and does so in a positive way.
00:52:04.960 --> 00:52:06.480
That's the way I would handle it.
00:52:06.559 --> 00:52:16.960
I can't give you all the details because I don't know what they are, but I do know that there are people who know that, and they are the professionals, which doesn't mean the clergy.
00:52:17.119 --> 00:52:22.079
It means leaning on the expertise of those who are not in the clergy.
00:52:22.719 --> 00:52:26.719
Does that does that at least start to address that question?
00:52:27.119 --> 00:52:34.079
I think it does, and I think that we're getting better at recognizing expertise outside of the clergy and a lot of things.
00:52:34.239 --> 00:52:38.639
I think this is one area where we're really sort of hanging back.
00:52:39.199 --> 00:53:03.119
That uh the the power of sexual shame is so extensive that I think that sort of giving up that tool to shame people into repentance is something that I think too many leaders are unwilling to do just because they enjoy the kind of power that that gives them.
00:53:03.360 --> 00:53:12.159
Is that something we haven't mentioned that at least in the United States didn't make our job any easier?
00:53:12.239 --> 00:53:18.239
Was Bill Clinton, who insisted I did not have sex with that woman.
00:53:18.480 --> 00:53:21.519
Well, what is that message that's going to be sent to the youth?
00:53:21.760 --> 00:53:25.679
Oh, okay, well, if that isn't sex, then I'm fine.
00:53:26.480 --> 00:53:37.519
Well, Bill Clinton seems almost quaint in the Trump, but I this accentuates the need for that positive philosophy.
00:53:37.760 --> 00:53:47.039
And when stories are told in church, rather than talking about the downfallen, talk about the redemption part of it.
00:53:47.199 --> 00:53:53.360
Don't dwell on falling away, it's coming back into the fold.
00:53:53.519 --> 00:54:02.159
It's it's the prodigal son or daughter with the emphasis on the end of the story, not the beginning of it.
00:54:03.199 --> 00:54:16.559
Even those stories told in church, if they are told in a positive light of forgiveness, of compassion, of a positive outcome, that's part of a positive philosophy of sex.
00:54:16.880 --> 00:54:17.920
Yeah, yeah.
00:54:18.239 --> 00:54:21.519
There is a spirit in this conversation, gentlemen.
00:54:21.679 --> 00:54:22.639
I feel it.
00:54:22.880 --> 00:54:37.920
Um, and the best way of interpreting that spirit that I feel in this conversation, because it's such an important uh conversation to have, and um it's so uh so desperately needed.
00:54:38.079 --> 00:55:12.880
Um if I ever needed to talk to somebody, and you know, I'm thinking of any ask any time in my life, I would feel 100% comfortable coming to you two because I would feel loved, understood, accepted, not judged, helped, um, not shamed, and I would feel I could tell you anything, and know it would be kept confidential, I would trust you, and that would mean absolutely everything to me, and it would help me enormously.
00:55:13.199 --> 00:55:20.400
And everybody deserves to have that experience and not to carry all these trauma with them.
00:55:20.639 --> 00:55:34.400
And so when I was speaking earlier about my skepticism around you know why the church doesn't do enough, I'm encouraged, in some way, disappointed to hear Jim kind of say the same thing because it is a controlling tool.
00:55:34.559 --> 00:55:37.039
There's definitely evidence to support that, Jim, for sure.
00:55:37.119 --> 00:55:45.039
I've seen it on the mission, I've seen it post-mission, where this is used as a tool, a system of control.
00:55:45.519 --> 00:55:48.480
It's a very powerful element of control over the members.
00:55:48.559 --> 00:55:49.840
There's evidence to support that.
00:55:49.920 --> 00:56:02.480
I'm not saying it's widespread by any means, but again, I I uh look to the church leaders who are very intelligent people, they know the answers more than we do, as much as we differ up more.
00:56:02.719 --> 00:56:17.679
And given all the resources they put into addiction programs like pornography and and you know, alcoholism and and uh uh marriage counseling, significant resources which we all know exist.
00:56:19.119 --> 00:56:33.280
You know, in instead of dealing with the problems during or after the problem, why not talk about this at the earliest opportunity in you know in the church, like in the youth programs.
00:56:33.440 --> 00:56:39.920
So again, I'm not a professional, but when you go to school, at some point you get taught sex education.
00:56:40.239 --> 00:56:43.039
How old is it when they start getting taught sex education schools?
00:56:43.119 --> 00:56:44.880
Is it 12, 13 now?
00:56:44.960 --> 00:56:46.320
Is it roughly 10?
00:56:46.639 --> 00:56:47.199
Something like that.
00:56:47.360 --> 00:56:58.320
Brad Wiltox, uh former young men's president counselor, uh actually goes into schools in Utah and teaches the maturation lecture.
00:56:58.639 --> 00:56:59.519
Right, okay.
00:56:59.840 --> 00:57:07.280
So in school at some point, 10, 11, 12, whenever that is, I'm not sure it is in Canada here, but uh I've forgotten what that was.
00:57:07.440 --> 00:57:10.800
Um, and in UK, they teach sex education.
00:57:11.119 --> 00:57:28.000
And so the church would do well to bring professionals in and teach the kids in the in a gospel context with kindness and love and the positive aspects that you so uh strongly speak to, Greg, in your roadmap.
00:57:28.159 --> 00:57:42.559
And then imagine that um thinking, that experience, that spirit that one would feel, being able to talk about these things in a very constructive environment and the impact it would have on your youth.
00:57:42.719 --> 00:57:46.960
I'm not saying it would, you know, you're not gonna stop people having sex.
00:57:48.079 --> 00:57:50.079
There's no point trying to stop that.
00:57:50.159 --> 00:57:51.199
It's going to happen, right?
00:57:51.280 --> 00:58:17.119
But having responsible, you know, sex and and and having a healthy conversation about that as youth, YSA, pre-mission, etc., you know, before you go to the temple, during the mission, imagine all those years of having those kind of conversations that uh the document addresses or at least speaks to those principles, and how that would impact a marriage relationship.
00:58:17.280 --> 00:58:24.559
Because you said earlier, Jim, um, there's not enough discussion, conversation on the issues within a marriage.
00:58:24.880 --> 00:58:33.920
I had easily more couples come to me with issues than I did youth.
00:58:35.199 --> 00:58:39.840
It was extraordinary and all kinds of stuff that uh a lot of it I just didn't have answers to.
00:58:39.920 --> 00:58:44.239
And I'd call the state president and and he sometimes didn't have answers to either.
00:58:44.480 --> 00:59:08.960
Um, but if we could start having those conversations early on in an appropriate time, in an appropriate way, with you know, there's having this positive outlook on this, it would it would make people a lot happier through their relationships, in their youth, in the YSA, on the mission, and absolutely intermarriage.
00:59:09.039 --> 00:59:13.199
And then those parents teach that to their kids and they put them through the same program.
00:59:13.360 --> 00:59:14.159
The answer's there.
00:59:14.239 --> 00:59:15.920
I just don't know why the church doesn't do it.
00:59:16.079 --> 00:59:17.440
It it puzzles me.
00:59:19.199 --> 00:59:26.000
Well, uh uh Clayton Settle says Packer had to die before the church would take the pamphlet off the website.
00:59:26.239 --> 00:59:27.199
Cowards.
00:59:27.440 --> 00:59:35.199
Uh Guy McDead says, ironically, those missionaries that were being sexually deviant were the same missionaries that had the most baptismal success in my mission.
00:59:35.440 --> 00:59:40.079
I know because I was called the babysit babysit once they were caught.
00:59:40.480 --> 00:59:43.519
Um, I am a public school district employee in Utah.
00:59:43.599 --> 00:59:48.400
Currently, the only approved sex ed curriculum is abstinence-based.
00:59:48.639 --> 00:59:59.360
So at the risk of leaping into politics here a little bit, but I know, Greg, and I know we're coming up on an hour here, but this is, I think, a kind of an important discussion.
00:59:59.519 --> 01:00:19.519
Um, one of the things that has been really interesting to me since I left the Republican Party and discovered that people are Republicans no matter what, because they uh when you talk to them and you get them to boil it down, they'll tell you, well, we don't like Trump, and we I don't like this, that, and the other.
01:00:19.679 --> 01:00:21.519
It comes down to abortion.
01:00:21.679 --> 01:00:30.480
It comes down to the idea that, okay, well, I have to vote for the pro-life candidate because abortion is too important an issue.
01:00:30.719 --> 01:00:45.840
And going along with Greg, what you've talked about with SETS education, what I've since discovered is that criminalizing abortion and preventing abortion are two very different things and actually diametrically opposed.
01:00:46.000 --> 01:00:54.639
We have over 40 years of data of the global gag rule that every Republican since Reagan has instituted it, every Democrat since Reagan has reversed.
01:00:54.800 --> 01:01:07.840
And what we discover when they institute this gag rule on non-governmental organizations overseas, uh, that they're denied all federal funding if they even mention abortion as an option.
01:01:08.159 --> 01:01:30.320
What happens is that the abortion rate goes up by 40% as a result because you end up cutting all the things that prevent abortion, which is contraception, education, all of these things that we're talking about that are necessary for a positive philosophy of sex in the church.
01:01:30.559 --> 01:01:40.000
So when you only have an abstinence-based sex education plan, my guess is you're going to see uh more sex.
01:01:40.960 --> 01:01:53.280
Because people who have questions about sex who want to know and get answers, don't have any sort of safe space to discuss that, don't feel any confidence approaching weird old white guys.
01:01:53.440 --> 01:01:56.400
Maybe it's not always a white guy, but it's always a guy.
01:01:56.639 --> 01:02:29.199
And if you're a young girl and you have to go and talk to a middle-aged man about uh about sex, I mean, we are making it as difficult as possible for these people to get any kind of counseling, any kind of support uh that would create this sort of positive philosophy and actually prevent them from experimenting because they don't understand what they're doing, they don't understand what the consequences are, and see all of that.
01:02:29.280 --> 01:02:35.360
So I hope that wasn't too far a diversion into politics, but I think the principle still holds.
01:02:35.599 --> 01:02:39.920
And I mean, Greg, you talked about um about birth control.
01:02:40.400 --> 01:02:47.679
You know, my parents, my father, when I was growing up, said that they were rebels because they planned all of their children except their first.
01:02:48.079 --> 01:02:52.079
My sister was born nine months and two weeks after their wedding.
01:02:52.320 --> 01:03:00.960
But but uh all the rest of us were spaced out and they used birth control and that being very kind of scandalous back in the day.
01:03:01.119 --> 01:03:09.360
And it's not at all scandalous now, but uh does the whole changing ethos of birth control figure into this, Greg?
01:03:09.840 --> 01:03:21.280
It does figure into it, but there's another thing besides Bill Clinton's attitudes that has worked against us and that has made this a generational issue, and that is just look at the media.
01:03:21.599 --> 01:03:27.599
Look at how sex is portrayed now versus how it was when we were kids.
01:03:28.800 --> 01:03:36.000
It was not permissible to say the word pregnant on television in the 1950s and 60s.
01:03:36.639 --> 01:03:39.360
Lucy was behind it when she was taking her.
01:03:39.920 --> 01:03:44.480
With cable TV, basically almost all the rules are off.
01:03:45.599 --> 01:04:00.079
So it's more difficult now that the kids are being raised in this environment where sexual promiscuity has been normalized, and they see it daily in the media.
01:04:00.639 --> 01:04:03.519
That just makes it a more difficult hill for us to climb.
01:04:03.599 --> 01:04:07.599
But it doesn't say that the fight is not worth fighting.
01:04:08.159 --> 01:04:16.400
There is a positive reason for sexual purity, for fidelity in marriage.
01:04:16.559 --> 01:04:25.440
It's just that we have not framed that in enough of a positive way that that becomes the attractant.
01:04:28.320 --> 01:04:34.800
And shame on us, because the stakes are so high, we should be able to figure that out.
01:04:35.360 --> 01:04:37.119
Making some great points, gentlemen.
01:04:37.199 --> 01:04:38.000
Thank you, Deanne.
01:04:38.559 --> 01:04:41.119
Could the sin next to murder scripture be misinterpreted?
01:04:41.199 --> 01:04:44.559
That may be prostitution or sexual assault, not just fornication.
01:04:44.800 --> 01:05:04.800
Uh, the Book of Mormons, uh, scripture that talks about that actually, I think, is wildly misinterpreted because the punishment that Alma is upset about isn't just sex, it's that people would no longer believe on your words because of the example you were setting, and so you were damaging the entire work of the church.
01:05:04.960 --> 01:05:08.719
Know you not, my son, that this is the most abominable of all sins.
01:05:09.039 --> 01:05:22.239
I mean, there's a greater element to that, and bishops that say that's the same thing as masturbating have just done so much psychological damage over the years, and it's it infuriates me.
01:05:22.480 --> 01:05:25.199
I grew up in the 70s and 80s, was not allowed to talk about it at all.
01:05:25.280 --> 01:05:27.360
So when I got married, I was very unprepared.
01:05:27.519 --> 01:05:32.480
You weren't alone, was 17 and pregnant in the church, and was brought forward in front of young women's class.
01:05:32.719 --> 01:05:36.480
Was more, oh my goodness, it was more traumatic for my sisters than for me.
01:05:36.559 --> 01:05:40.559
I somehow thought I was horrible and had tell the girls how horrible I was.
01:05:40.880 --> 01:05:42.239
Oh, that's just awful.
01:05:42.480 --> 01:05:47.760
Clayton had argued it was the son deserting his mission, but yeah, being imperial and then causing people to leave the faith because of his hypocrisy.
01:05:47.840 --> 01:05:49.599
Thanks for saving me, there Colby.
01:05:49.760 --> 01:05:54.159
Uh, also married a return missionary, and I found myself really upset when he said that he had forgiven me.
01:05:54.400 --> 01:05:58.960
I said that was between me and God, and it took me a long time to have the confidence and believe it.
01:05:59.119 --> 01:05:59.280
Yeah.
01:06:00.079 --> 01:06:03.280
Really is a shame that they don't provide more support for young teenagers.
01:06:03.519 --> 01:06:11.519
It's statements like that, Ian, that is driven by the so-called sacred doctrine that completely up these kids mentally in itself is a form of abuse to these young girls.
01:06:11.599 --> 01:06:13.119
I'm just gonna zip through these.
01:06:13.280 --> 01:06:17.199
I also approached more than I can count by several members of my ward who wanted to adopt my child.
01:06:17.280 --> 01:06:19.119
I wasn't putting my child up for adoption.
01:06:19.280 --> 01:06:24.880
At some point in time, however, the Lord may prompt a victim to recognize a degree of responsibility for abuse, Citrogy Scott.
01:06:25.119 --> 01:06:26.639
We did a whole episode on that, Ian.
01:06:26.719 --> 01:06:27.119
Do you remember that?
01:06:27.760 --> 01:06:28.079
We did.
01:06:28.159 --> 01:06:35.519
I I I it's hard to come across any disgusting quote by any so-called uh example of Christ.
01:06:35.760 --> 01:06:38.639
I've I've that I found deeply offensive.
01:06:38.800 --> 01:06:40.320
That's just an awful thing to say.
01:06:40.400 --> 01:06:42.800
Just look at that, it's just disgusting.
01:06:43.519 --> 01:06:43.920
I don't know.
01:06:45.599 --> 01:06:48.559
Far too often, sorry, they would be shunned out of sight.
01:06:48.800 --> 01:06:56.239
The sexual sin next to murder and middle factory philosophy had 13-year-old me thinking I was going to hell unless I confessed to my neighbor, bishop.
01:06:56.320 --> 01:06:58.000
How is that helpful or healthy?
01:06:58.159 --> 01:06:59.039
It isn't.
01:06:59.360 --> 01:07:02.239
I believe this is still leadership roulette.
01:07:02.320 --> 01:07:02.960
Absolutely.
01:07:03.199 --> 01:07:06.800
If every bishop was like Ian, lives would have been saved, mental health improved.
01:07:06.960 --> 01:07:09.679
It's like he's like the Captain Moroni of sex, Ian.
01:07:10.000 --> 01:07:12.159
People would feel the meaning of the atonement.
01:07:12.320 --> 01:07:14.719
Ian is love-based, not fear-based.
01:07:14.800 --> 01:07:15.920
100%, Bruce.
01:07:16.000 --> 01:07:18.400
If I have sins to confess, I'm calling Ian.
01:07:18.800 --> 01:07:19.840
Because no one talks about it.
01:07:19.920 --> 01:07:22.239
You look around and feel everyone is it figured out and it's obedient.
01:07:22.320 --> 01:07:24.480
You think you are the only one that is broken.
01:07:24.719 --> 01:07:26.639
Boy, there's so much truth in that.
01:07:26.800 --> 01:07:29.760
And I mean, the shame about masturbation.
01:07:29.920 --> 01:07:33.440
Uh, I mean, I've talked about this and I talked about how John Huntsman Sr.
01:07:33.519 --> 01:07:35.840
was the guy that really screwed me up later.
01:07:36.159 --> 01:07:43.360
But uh, I did not even know what it was when I read The Little Factory, and I didn't have anybody to ask.
01:07:43.519 --> 01:07:48.320
I didn't know any way to reach out, anything that wasn't just morbidly embarrassing.
01:07:48.400 --> 01:07:52.559
There are no resources out there within the church to deal with that.
01:07:52.719 --> 01:07:55.519
Normalized positive sexual vocabulary, step one.
01:07:55.760 --> 01:07:57.440
Ultimately, God is the one who forgives sins.
01:07:57.519 --> 01:07:59.679
Wouldn't it make sense to go directly to him with repentance?
01:07:59.760 --> 01:08:00.159
It would.
01:08:00.320 --> 01:08:07.840
The sexual same scenario is so common across all the Abrahamic religions, it makes you realize just how misogynistic religion was designed by man to be.
01:08:08.079 --> 01:08:12.159
Saw elders go home for my mate for my mission, I'm assuming, for this very reason.
01:08:12.400 --> 01:08:13.280
Mission, yes.
01:08:13.599 --> 01:08:14.079
Amen.
01:08:14.239 --> 01:08:19.279
In I didn't understand basic sexual principles around sex until after 13 years of marriage and leaving the faith.
01:08:19.359 --> 01:08:20.399
It's too taboo.
01:08:20.560 --> 01:08:20.960
Yes.
01:08:21.199 --> 01:08:22.640
My ex-wife was raised Catholic.
01:08:22.720 --> 01:08:25.039
The issues around sexuality eventually destroyed the relationship.
01:08:25.119 --> 01:08:29.119
I can empathize with those that have had this happen inside Mormon relationships.
01:08:29.279 --> 01:08:30.000
So true, Jim.
01:08:30.079 --> 01:08:30.640
Thanks, Deanne.
01:08:30.880 --> 01:08:31.840
I don't know what I said.
01:08:32.000 --> 01:08:34.560
Uh, church has a history of not trusting mental health professionals.
01:08:34.640 --> 01:08:38.479
The study of the doctrines of the gospel will improve behavior quicker than a study of behavior will improve behavior.
01:08:38.640 --> 01:08:39.039
Boy K.
01:08:39.199 --> 01:08:39.600
Packer.
01:08:40.159 --> 01:08:45.039
His name keeps coming up when we talk about unhealthy uh ideas about six.
01:08:45.199 --> 01:08:46.319
Hashtag damage.
01:08:46.399 --> 01:08:48.560
So that is all the comments, gentlemen.
01:08:48.640 --> 01:08:50.880
I try to plow through them as much as possible.
01:08:50.960 --> 01:08:52.880
So you did an absolutely fabulous job.
01:08:53.039 --> 01:08:57.039
You know, when you get these callings of responsibility, and they're very serious callings.
01:08:57.279 --> 01:09:04.079
A state president once said to me, uh Ian, he said you'd be amazed how much control the state president has over the members.
01:09:04.239 --> 01:09:12.560
And um it it it's uh it they really uh you know uh wield enormous control at the state level.
01:09:12.640 --> 01:09:14.960
A lot of stuff that happens is at the state level, as you know.
01:09:15.119 --> 01:09:32.319
But when you're in these callings, surely the goal, the objective, the the the uh the commitment is to help someone coming into your office is to help them feel better and good about themselves before they leave.
01:09:32.479 --> 01:09:34.079
Isn't that the goal?
01:09:34.560 --> 01:09:46.079
You know, to to to listen, to be compassionate, to to understand as best as you can, and to leave them feeling stronger and better and more hopeful and worth something.
01:09:46.319 --> 01:09:49.359
Did we do a podcast on you are enough, Jim?
01:09:49.520 --> 01:09:50.239
Do you remember that?
01:09:50.720 --> 01:09:51.279
I do.
01:09:51.600 --> 01:09:53.680
Isn't that the essence of Christ?
01:09:53.840 --> 01:09:57.439
Isn't that the very core of what Christ taught?
01:09:57.760 --> 01:10:04.880
Is that you know uh you're good enough, you you are good enough, you are loved, you're accepted.
01:10:05.439 --> 01:10:10.000
Well Christ will help you become better through love.
01:10:10.560 --> 01:10:21.279
And and the church, I find uh from my experience, it's uh um the weight is is uh mostly on the guilt.
01:10:22.239 --> 01:10:24.560
Look at everything the church has asked you to do.
01:10:24.720 --> 01:10:33.119
Someone at some point in your life, Greg and Jim in your life, has told you to do something, and there's been some kind of guilt thing associated with it, right?
01:10:33.199 --> 01:10:39.279
You know, on a mission, home teaching, you know, uh something where there's some guilt driven, right?
01:10:39.439 --> 01:10:52.000
Let's get away from the guilt, let's focus on love and bringing out the best in people and loving people and accepting them and not judging, and and then people will feel happier.
01:10:52.079 --> 01:10:59.119
I mean, surely that's the goal is to help people feel happy and and um loved.
01:10:59.359 --> 01:11:00.800
Isn't that the goal?
01:11:01.119 --> 01:11:02.239
Yeah, Ian.
01:11:03.119 --> 01:11:04.479
You are English.
01:11:05.279 --> 01:11:15.199
I knew a gentleman who was in the first state presidency in England, his name was Bill Bates, later moved to the states.
01:11:15.840 --> 01:11:31.279
He told me that when he was state president, a general authority demanded that he excommunicate so and so, and he stood his ground and refused to do it.
01:11:32.239 --> 01:11:38.399
And he said to me then, the savior said, feed my sheep, not kill my sheep.
01:11:38.960 --> 01:12:01.359
And I think that is the basis of anything moving forward that's going to move the needle in a positive direction, is for the leaders at the local level to understand fully the injunction that they be good shepherds and not go out and kill their flock.
01:12:01.600 --> 01:12:02.399
Yeah, yeah.
01:12:02.479 --> 01:12:07.199
That I I I applaud that individual for having the integrity.
01:12:07.359 --> 01:12:09.199
You know, we get this life once, right?
01:12:09.279 --> 01:12:13.840
And we're with people professionally, personally, family, you know, friends.
01:12:14.079 --> 01:12:23.920
The goal is to uplift, the goal is to build, the goal is to love, and the goal is to help people feel good about themselves and to feel better.
01:12:24.159 --> 01:12:30.159
And when you get these callings, that's a sacred responsibility that you carry because these members trust you as a leader.
01:12:30.800 --> 01:12:35.600
They trust you, you they they you get told that you're called of God, right?
01:12:36.079 --> 01:12:51.039
When President Oaks set set us apart and actually introduced us as a state presidency, he told the entire state conference uh our presidency was called of God, and God told Oaks to call us, right?
01:12:51.520 --> 01:12:53.039
That's serious, you know.
01:12:53.119 --> 01:12:57.199
As a faith-believing member, committed member, you take that seriously.
01:12:57.359 --> 01:13:08.960
So you you accept or you believe that the bishop or the leader is going to behave in the right way, going to do the right things, and going is got your best interests at heart and absolutely loves you.
01:13:09.039 --> 01:13:12.079
And the reality is that's just not the case.
01:13:12.399 --> 01:13:30.560
So I can you compensate with love and compassion um for lack of skills to an extent within within limits, probably big limits, but imagine how powerful a bishop would be with those natural qualities and the training.
01:13:31.279 --> 01:13:37.359
You know, and these bishops that you're talking about, um, that we've met there, Greg, and you've met some of them as well, Jim.
01:13:37.680 --> 01:13:40.399
They are I think we need more of them.
01:13:40.560 --> 01:13:43.119
I don't know if they're few and far between, but we certainly need more of them.
01:13:43.199 --> 01:13:44.800
This roulette thing has got to stop.
01:13:44.880 --> 01:13:49.119
Anyway, we are pretty much out of time here.
01:13:49.359 --> 01:13:57.359
This has been perhaps the most significant, important conversation we've had on Inside Out, probably.
01:13:57.520 --> 01:13:59.520
Uh people can comment on that.
01:13:59.680 --> 01:14:07.119
It's certainly one of the most interesting, significant conversation we've had with Greg Prince, who we're grateful to be with us this evening.
01:14:07.279 --> 01:14:13.359
Uh, before we close, uh, Jim, any final comments, and we'll leave the last minute over or two over to Greg.
01:14:13.840 --> 01:14:22.800
Uh, very much enjoyed being uh very Ian, very much enjoyed your experiences and your your honesty and integrity in sharing those experiences.
01:14:22.880 --> 01:14:30.640
And Greg, your insights are always just unbelievably helpful and very, very grateful to be here with with you both.
01:14:31.920 --> 01:14:32.640
Thank you, Jim.
01:14:32.800 --> 01:14:34.960
Greg, any final comments, thoughts from you?
01:14:35.279 --> 01:14:40.800
There should be severe limits to one's judgment and no limits to one's compassion.
01:14:41.680 --> 01:14:42.319
Amen.
01:14:42.880 --> 01:14:43.520
Amen.
01:14:44.800 --> 01:14:46.079
Well, we will end on that.
01:14:46.239 --> 01:14:47.520
I want to thank you both again.
01:14:47.680 --> 01:14:52.319
I want to give a special thank you to all of our viewers and our listeners uh for being with us.
01:14:52.479 --> 01:14:56.159
I hope you found this educational and uplifting.
01:14:56.399 --> 01:14:58.479
We extend our love and appreciation to you.
01:14:58.640 --> 01:15:05.039
It's been an interesting and at times probably difficult conversation, uh, generating all kinds of thoughts and feelings.
01:15:05.119 --> 01:15:07.680
But know that you're loved, know that you are enough.
01:15:08.079 --> 01:15:14.880
And uh on behalf of Jim and Greg, we extend our love and appreciation to you, and thank you for taking time to be with us this evening.
01:15:15.039 --> 01:15:16.079
Uh, Jim, thank you.
01:15:16.239 --> 01:15:17.680
Greg, thank you.
01:15:18.399 --> 01:15:19.439
Thank you again.
01:15:20.079 --> 01:15:21.199
Good night.