EP 30 - How To Set Boundaries Without Making Others Feel Rejected 🙅🏻‍♀️

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welcome to the Shiny Mind Show with Doctor Shiny
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today we are gonna talk about how to set boundaries
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without making others feel rejected
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are you ready to shine come on
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it's the shiny one you got this
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any people pleasers in the house
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or recovering people pleasers
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if this is you
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then this episode is gonna help you a lot
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I am a recovering people pleaser myself
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because of my childhood conditioning
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when I realized that I needed to actually lie
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and hide my truth and cover up what I truly believe
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to get the love from my dad
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I ended up learning that as a coping mechanism
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throughout the years until I realized
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that this was not something that I wanted to own
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when I sat with myself
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when I coached myself on this behavior
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I realized that I didn't want to own it
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is that you
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if that's you let's talk
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because I am going to share some powerful ways
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that you can set your own boundaries
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and make yourself feel valued
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as you also are kind to others
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and not making them feel rejected by you
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because I know this is what you are thinking about
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this is what you are focusing on
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because when you got rejected
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when you felt rejected by that person
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in your environment when you were young
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that's when you Learned this behavior
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as a coping mechanism just like I did
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when you realize that when you speak your truth
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I'm getting goosebumps by the way all over me
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when you speak your truth
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it was not accepted
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you were actually punished by speaking your truth
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and you Learned to hide it
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does that resonate
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if that resonates
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let's start with
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the first tool that I would love to share with you
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to set your boundaries
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without making others feel rejected
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No. 1 is get to know yourself
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literally sit with yourself and ask yourself
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what are my top 3 values
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is that love is that respect
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do I value love over respect
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if yes why
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if no why
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or do I value self sovereignty
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self assurance as my top value
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is it more important than self love
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or respect for others or kindness or integrity
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you gotta have this inner work
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you gotta have this clarity because those values
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make you who you are and then they define you
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and then they actually create the boundaries
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that we are gonna talk about
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without knowing what your boundaries are
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how are you ever going to set the boundaries
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that's why that's the first step
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the first tool is your self knowledge
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self mastery self truth
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what is your truth who are you
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why do you care about self love
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where is that coming from
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what is the source of it
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if you go back to your childhood
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if you trace it back and then connect all the dots
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all your experiences and then blend them all together
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and come to the conclusion of love Is My top value
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here's why
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then you can then define what love means to you
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and what love looks like for you
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and what is not okay for you to give and receive love
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what does it mean for you to receive love
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if people are doing their best to give you the love
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but if you don't feel it
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because there are ways that you naturally receive love
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that resonate with you
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this is coming from the world of science
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physics and quantum physics
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the law of residence
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like you need to have the residence
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if there's no residence
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you're just not gonna click with that energy
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and that is not gonna make you feel loved
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and people are going to be confused
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well I did my best to make you happy
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I cooked you all day I actually prepared your laundries
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and did everything at the house
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like what else do you want
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well that's not the person's love language
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it didn't resonate with them
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and that's why you're getting confused
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so I see this everywhere
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we don't know what our values are
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we don't know who we are
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what we care about and because we don't know
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we don't know how to communicate that
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and then we end up
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having difficulty in our relationships
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not understanding why people don't understand us well
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because we didn't understand us to begin with
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to actually teach who we are
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what we care about how we want to be loved
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that's why we need to understand who we are
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we need to remember who we are
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we need to clarify our values
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our beliefs
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our expectations our needs from others
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the less we need from others
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the less we expect from others the best
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if you have no expectations
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if you're able to meet your own needs
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you are a self sovereign individual
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you are going to be delightful
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delicious and your boundaries are gonna reflect that
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and then you're gonna sound something like
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listen I'm very self sufficient
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I give and receive love when there is acknowledgement
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when there is openness
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in exploring how we can connect deeply with others
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I shine in conversations where we talk about
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how we can become our best version of ourselves
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not talking about details
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like if you talk about details
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and how you had a meeting with your boss
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and then what he said or she said
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and how it just created you all these problems
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and all the details that would not make me feel cared
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and make me feel growing in our relationship
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I would love us to co create this conscious
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loving relationship
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where we focus on becoming our best selves
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and sharing our self discoveries with each other
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that is where I am going to shine
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that's literally a conversation you can have
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after you figure yourself out
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you need to figure yourself out
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if not you're just going to leave people in a place
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where they need to make assumptions
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if you are not giving them clear instructions
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about who you are
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what you care about how you want to be loved
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what conversations are going to resonate with you
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guess what they're just gonna do themselves
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they're gonna make assumptions
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and then they're just going to go with the flow
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and that's okay and that's why that's the No. 1 step
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get to know yourself master yourself
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No.2 get curious about others
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now that you understand who you are
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what you value what you care about
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what conversations you wanna get involved with
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then you need to honor the same for others
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what do they care about what do they value
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what do they expect in conversations
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in their relationships how do they want to relate
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ask them mm hmm request
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I would love to know your top 3 values
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and how they show up in relationships
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how they would look like in our friendship
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in our conversations requested
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demanded that way you are informed
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just like you need to be informed about who you are
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you also need to be informed about who they are
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that way if they are not clear about their boundaries
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with your questions prompting them to go within
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they're gonna get even more clear
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and now they're gonna be able to give you
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here are my top three values and then actually
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if you don't share your opinions with me
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I
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I appreciate that because whenever you share opinions
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I realize that
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you come from a place of seeing the problem
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I thrive when I focus on solutions
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when you share your opinions with me
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when you only focus on the problems
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then I realize that I
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going into a place of hiding my truth
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hiding what I wanna share with you
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because if I share what I am going through
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then if you share your opinion
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about what I am going through
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by only focusing on the problems
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that you see in what I share
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if you never celebrate what I am doing right
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if you never point some other solutions for me
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then it is actually draining my energy
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it is not serving me
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it is not helping me become a better version of myself
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that's why I actually would love
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to talk about solutions not problems
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perhaps they're gonna tell you this
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if you never ask you will never receive
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ask and you shall receive
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and this is such a big problem that I see in the world
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it's not even a joke
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it's at a very serious level right now
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because
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majority of the people are so distracted by
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their everyday
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mundane activities and details that don't matter
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that they lose the focus of the conversation
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they waste the time the energy
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talking about nothing at all
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that is important for them
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or for you or for the world
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that's why you
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are going to be curious about the other people
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that's why you are going to invite them
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to go deep within themselves
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that's why you are going to take the charge
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when you want to become somebody
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who operates with clear boundaries
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respecting yourself and then respecting others
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it's gonna require you to have these conversations
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we need to start talking like this in our world
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we need to have conversations
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that are clear about each other's boundaries
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and that's why coaching becomes super helpful
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that's why I'm super passionate about
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because what I do is an extension of me
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extension of who I am
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when I ask you a coaching question
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I actually help you go within yourself
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and then you discover something about yourself
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when you are around me
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if I'm having a conversation with you
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you are absolutely walk away with at least one
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and perhaps several
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nourishing moments of truth about yourself
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you're absolutely going to walk away with
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self discovery
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this is who I am because I know my top three values
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I know my boundaries I know that
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I don't expect anybody to do anything for me
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I expect people to be mindful about their thoughts
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languages
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behaviors and the energy that they bring to the world
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that is my expectation
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and I know it is a lot to expect already
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it's super high level
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and that is what makes me the doctor of Enlightenment
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because enlightenment comes with the alignment
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I start with alignment so if you ask me
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what are your top values
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I'm gonna tell you
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my my No. 1 value is going to be my self love
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and my self love looks like oneness to me
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looks like alignment
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I need to feel aligned with what I say
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what I do how I show up
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who I become
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and how I serve the world that is alignment for me
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that is enlightenment for me
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that is oneness for me for me
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my boundaries
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are going to be determined by the energy that I feel
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about the people around me
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I I feel and resonate with the energy
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because we are all made up of energy
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of course I am gonna feel it
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we are energy more than matter
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matter is just like 4% in the universe
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how can we get distracted and just be
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blinded by the fact that we are matter
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we are in the human outfit that looks like matter
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that looks super tangible and it just blinds us
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I go beyond that
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I studied what it means to be a human being
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wearing a human outfit and yet being this deep soul
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light love at the core the sphere haha
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so I go very deep right
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so that's why when you go deep within yourself
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when you go deep with others
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conversations change conversations shift
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frequencies arise
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and that's the world that I wanna live
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and that's what I invite you to
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when you are setting your boundaries
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I know
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I am going beyond the topic of setting boundaries
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I just want you to go deep
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when thinking about your boundaries
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you're not only a vessel a human outfit
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you are a soul inside this outfit
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so your boundaries are not going to be tangible
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your boundaries are going to be energetic boundaries
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you need to get to know yourself
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and others in their energetic boundaries
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in their energetic alignment
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if there is an energetic misalignment
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you're gonna feel it in your body
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you know those moments right
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you feel like hmm there's something achy in my stomach
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oh I feel it in my throat
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oh my head like my third eye
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something happens
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you are going to have that sensory input
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from the universe like ones and zeros
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those are the information flowing in the universe
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constantly and this is what my invitation about
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when you go deep and get curious about others
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about their boundaries so let's talk about No. 3 now
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the third tool that I am going to share with you
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to set boundaries without making others feel rejected
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the third step
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the third tool that I am going to share with you
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is your language
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and that's why self knowledge
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and curiosity is the prerequisite of this language
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if you know yourself
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you have the self language in the pocket
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and if you also have the curiosity to
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grab the information about others
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you can now put them together
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and then use the language that I am passionate about
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from neuro linguistic
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programming that I Learned years ago
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and I teach in my coaching
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education programs at the Academy of Neuro-Shine
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Technology
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you use the language that sounds super respectful
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super kind
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totally
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respecting people with who they are
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what they choose giving them the autonomy
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giving them the freedom and then at the same time
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not betraying yourself
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and at the same time not rejecting them
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we have language tools
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and I'm gonna give you one concrete example
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here is a boundary I set with my own mother
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very very clear language
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extremely direct
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sometimes you gotta be super direct with people
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especially in your family
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I told my mom when we were having a conversation
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for those of you if you don't know
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my mom is my student after the age of 60
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she came to my training programs
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and she literally transformed herself
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she went from
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don't tell me anything about my traditions
352
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all traditions are to be followed
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do not question them this was her okay
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and then now today talk to my mom
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she's like oh
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you know we all have our own blueprint
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that we choose when we come to this life
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and traditions are actually super conditioned
359
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we learn from each other they are to be questioned
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they are to be redefined and she's laughing at herself
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her old self
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so obviously
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helping my mom unlearn all that
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and to reprogram her mindset
365
00:19:18,300 --> 00:19:22,500
was my biggest success story
366
00:19:22,500 --> 00:19:24,466
and I always Learned a lot
367
00:19:24,466 --> 00:19:25,900
from that
368
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as I was holding the space
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00:19:27,866 --> 00:19:31,266
and helping my mom to recreate herself
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the biggest improvement she needed to make
371
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was about her listening
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she didn't know how to listen to others
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she really didn't she didn't have that skill
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she was a school teacher
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she spoke and as she shared information
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she taught all her life and listening was not her forte
377
00:19:55,300 --> 00:19:59,700
let's put it that way and when I realized that
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I told my mom
379
00:20:02,066 --> 00:20:03,800
listen my mom
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listen
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we need to practice your active listening skills
382
00:20:10,500 --> 00:20:12,500
here's why it is important for me
383
00:20:13,400 --> 00:20:15,700
when we are on the phone together
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if you are trying to watch TV
385
00:20:20,433 --> 00:20:22,833
and trying to talk to others
386
00:20:24,233 --> 00:20:27,166
people right next to you or
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if you don't have the quiet environment
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00:20:31,400 --> 00:20:32,833
to connect with me
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then I don't feel that you respect me
390
00:20:37,033 --> 00:20:38,900
if we are on the phone
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00:20:39,100 --> 00:20:42,200
then that needs to be our primary focus
392
00:20:42,633 --> 00:20:46,500
our precious time that we are co creating together
393
00:20:46,633 --> 00:20:47,966
whatever we are sharing
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00:20:48,233 --> 00:20:51,300
I want to know what you experienced today
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and how it changed you
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00:20:53,800 --> 00:20:58,066
how it gave you a new idea about doing things
397
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and contributing to the world
398
00:20:59,566 --> 00:21:00,333
contributing to the kids you're teaching now
399
00:21:03,033 --> 00:21:06,100
I want to share what I experienced
400
00:21:06,100 --> 00:21:09,533
and how it made me become a different person
401
00:21:10,033 --> 00:21:11,566
and that requires commitment
402
00:21:12,800 --> 00:21:14,333
respect and clarity we don't need TV when I call you
403
00:21:18,800 --> 00:21:19,833
we don't need a very loud environment
404
00:21:21,400 --> 00:21:23,200
we don't need anybody around you
405
00:21:23,200 --> 00:21:24,466
if you have anybody around you
406
00:21:24,466 --> 00:21:26,000
tell me I'll call you later
407
00:21:26,033 --> 00:21:28,566
if you need to watch something on TV
408
00:21:28,566 --> 00:21:30,600
or she doesn't even watch TV anymore
409
00:21:30,600 --> 00:21:32,366
she has only two shows that she loves
410
00:21:32,366 --> 00:21:34,166
if you need to watch your TV
411
00:21:34,200 --> 00:21:36,700
which is the survivor she loves watching the survivor
412
00:21:36,700 --> 00:21:38,733
with the human psychology behind everything
413
00:21:39,033 --> 00:21:40,566
if that's a time that's okay
414
00:21:40,566 --> 00:21:43,466
we can talk later but please
415
00:21:43,566 --> 00:21:45,400
don't try to watch survivor
416
00:21:45,400 --> 00:21:47,266
and talk to me at the same time
417
00:21:47,266 --> 00:21:49,833
because I know your focus goes there
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00:21:49,833 --> 00:21:52,166
and you're not 100% with me
419
00:21:52,166 --> 00:21:53,833
and that doesn't help me
420
00:21:53,833 --> 00:21:56,366
that doesn't make me feel heard
421
00:21:56,366 --> 00:21:58,566
seen appreciated or respected
422
00:22:00,000 --> 00:22:01,233
this boundary
423
00:22:01,233 --> 00:22:03,466
I had to repeat to my mom perhaps thousands of times
424
00:22:04,833 --> 00:22:05,866
I kid you not
425
00:22:06,466 --> 00:22:08,133
she finally got it yes
426
00:22:08,700 --> 00:22:10,100
she finally got it
427
00:22:10,166 --> 00:22:11,666
I'm giving this example
428
00:22:11,666 --> 00:22:14,466
because I know we all have moms and dads
429
00:22:14,466 --> 00:22:16,666
and siblings and friends
430
00:22:16,666 --> 00:22:18,500
and spouses and colleagues
431
00:22:18,500 --> 00:22:21,400
and everybody that we are communicating with
432
00:22:21,400 --> 00:22:25,266
if we are not clear about how we want to communicate
433
00:22:25,500 --> 00:22:30,000
then we cannot expect others to behave that way
434
00:22:30,166 --> 00:22:32,000
that's why self knowledge
435
00:22:32,000 --> 00:22:33,400
I needed to know
436
00:22:33,400 --> 00:22:35,766
how I wanted to communicate with my mom
437
00:22:35,800 --> 00:22:39,633
I self knew myself to curiosity
438
00:22:39,633 --> 00:22:42,600
I was also very curious about how my mom operated
439
00:22:42,600 --> 00:22:45,000
I observed her and I saw her
440
00:22:45,266 --> 00:22:45,633
and then
441
00:22:45,633 --> 00:22:48,366
I realized that she was unable to do multitasking
442
00:22:48,366 --> 00:22:50,966
and I never enjoy multitasking anyways
443
00:22:51,200 --> 00:22:53,200
I am all about presence
444
00:22:53,366 --> 00:22:55,000
like when you're doing something
445
00:22:55,000 --> 00:22:57,533
do just that one thing right
446
00:22:57,633 --> 00:22:59,366
I I was curious about her
447
00:22:59,366 --> 00:23:03,966
and I also know that she loves connecting
448
00:23:03,966 --> 00:23:05,266
she wants to share
449
00:23:05,266 --> 00:23:07,700
like she loves sharing her experiences
450
00:23:07,700 --> 00:23:09,766
so that is also her value
451
00:23:09,766 --> 00:23:12,466
but she was not honoring her own value
452
00:23:13,266 --> 00:23:16,200
she was just being distracted in the moment
453
00:23:16,200 --> 00:23:19,866
I needed to interrupt that pattern several times
454
00:23:20,433 --> 00:23:25,033
sometimes super direct sometimes I needed to be very
455
00:23:25,033 --> 00:23:27,833
very direct and clear and firm and sharp
456
00:23:27,833 --> 00:23:30,600
I like had moments where I was like okay
457
00:23:30,600 --> 00:23:32,566
I'm hanging up I'll call you later
458
00:23:32,866 --> 00:23:36,766
and this was me working on my boundaries
459
00:23:37,033 --> 00:23:41,133
and coming from the people pleasing
460
00:23:41,400 --> 00:23:42,900
behaviour patterns
461
00:23:43,200 --> 00:23:45,900
I needed to interrupt my own patterns
462
00:23:45,900 --> 00:23:48,400
and I only needed to do this
463
00:23:48,433 --> 00:23:49,400
because I wanted to do this
464
00:23:50,700 --> 00:23:54,033
because I knew this was not serving me
465
00:23:54,033 --> 00:23:58,800
especially as the creator of Neuro-Shine technology
466
00:23:58,800 --> 00:24:03,400
which I created as the technology for truth
467
00:24:03,833 --> 00:24:05,200
I mean think about it
468
00:24:05,200 --> 00:24:09,333
not being able to share my truth when I was a kid
469
00:24:09,366 --> 00:24:13,866
was so deeply painful for me
470
00:24:13,866 --> 00:24:18,666
that I needed to figure it out throughout my life
471
00:24:18,900 --> 00:24:21,266
that I needed a structure
472
00:24:21,266 --> 00:24:24,600
a curriculum where it was safe
473
00:24:24,666 --> 00:24:27,466
and it was okay for me to share my truth
474
00:24:28,500 --> 00:24:31,533
and and that's why I created Neuro-Shine technology
475
00:24:31,700 --> 00:24:34,800
that's why I combined 10 different disciplines in it
476
00:24:34,800 --> 00:24:36,600
I needed the neuroscience in it
477
00:24:36,600 --> 00:24:39,300
heart science in it I needed quantum physics in it
478
00:24:39,300 --> 00:24:40,866
metaphysics in it cosmology
479
00:24:40,866 --> 00:24:42,600
leadership communication strategies
480
00:24:42,600 --> 00:24:45,066
emotional intelligence coaching skills
481
00:24:45,066 --> 00:24:47,000
I needed everything in it
482
00:24:47,000 --> 00:24:49,833
I needed to prove myself that it is okay
483
00:24:49,833 --> 00:24:53,066
and it's safe for me to share my truth
484
00:24:53,900 --> 00:24:57,466
so I hope that resonates with you
485
00:24:57,466 --> 00:24:58,933
my dear shiny minds
486
00:24:59,400 --> 00:25:04,000
I hope when you are hearing these words
487
00:25:04,400 --> 00:25:07,600
they are landing somewhere deep within yourself
488
00:25:08,300 --> 00:25:09,866
deep within your soul
489
00:25:10,566 --> 00:25:12,066
because you know
490
00:25:13,233 --> 00:25:18,800
speaking your truth is the highest level of freedom
491
00:25:19,300 --> 00:25:22,700
that's the highest level of self expression
492
00:25:22,700 --> 00:25:26,166
creative self expression of who you really are
493
00:25:26,433 --> 00:25:28,733
if you cannot even speak your truth
494
00:25:30,100 --> 00:25:31,466
who are you being
495
00:25:31,800 --> 00:25:34,700
what are you doing in this planet earth
496
00:25:36,033 --> 00:25:38,700
right so that is my point
497
00:25:38,700 --> 00:25:41,000
for you to set your boundaries
498
00:25:41,000 --> 00:25:44,066
without making others feel rejected
499
00:25:44,433 --> 00:25:46,600
and without betraying yourself
500
00:25:47,633 --> 00:25:52,100
so there you have it hope you loved this
501
00:25:52,100 --> 00:25:55,700
please share it with somebody who needs to hear this
502
00:25:55,700 --> 00:26:02,900
we are in a time that is accelerating truth
503
00:26:03,233 --> 00:26:05,566
and aligning with our truth
504
00:26:06,400 --> 00:26:09,166
we need to speak our truth
505
00:26:09,500 --> 00:26:14,200
that's why I encourage you to subscribe to my channel
506
00:26:14,500 --> 00:26:17,066
like this video if it resonated with you
507
00:26:17,066 --> 00:26:20,300
if it helps you share it with the world
508
00:26:20,300 --> 00:26:25,533
so that we can co create a conscious world together
509
00:26:25,766 --> 00:26:29,566
we can become a part of this new world
510
00:26:29,566 --> 00:26:30,833
this new paradigm
511
00:26:30,833 --> 00:26:35,533
where it is okay for us to speak our truth
512
00:26:35,900 --> 00:26:39,333
and for us to invite others to speak their truth
513
00:26:39,333 --> 00:26:40,666
if you are ready to go deep within yourself
514
00:26:42,633 --> 00:26:45,300
and perhaps ask yourself if you want to become a coach
515
00:26:47,033 --> 00:26:49,700
if you want to learn coaching skills
516
00:26:49,900 --> 00:26:52,566
I invite you to go to my website
517
00:26:52,566 --> 00:26:58,500
Shining self.com and grab that free PDF download
518
00:26:58,766 --> 00:27:00,500
so that you can discover
519
00:27:00,633 --> 00:27:03,766
what it is that you are going to receive
520
00:27:03,833 --> 00:27:06,700
as you join my world
521
00:27:06,700 --> 00:27:08,633
at the Academy of Neuro-Shine Technology
522
00:27:08,633 --> 00:27:10,900
how we can help you how we can support you
523
00:27:10,900 --> 00:27:13,166
how we can hold your hand
524
00:27:13,166 --> 00:27:16,366
as you are going through your self discovery
525
00:27:16,400 --> 00:27:20,800
as you are working on expressing your boundaries
526
00:27:20,900 --> 00:27:23,100
when you are ready to speak your truth
527
00:27:23,100 --> 00:27:24,900
we would love to support you
528
00:27:25,066 --> 00:27:26,533
thank you for watching
529
00:27:26,766 --> 00:27:30,933
and thank you for letting my light into your neurons
530
00:27:31,033 --> 00:27:33,633
my dear shiny minds until next time
531
00:27:33,633 --> 00:27:34,933
keep shining your light