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Welcome to Just breathe parenting your LGBTQ team, the
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podcast, transforming the conversation around loving and
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raising an LGBTQ child filled with awesome guests practical
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strategies and moving stories host Heather Hester always makes
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you feel like you're having a cozy chat. Wherever you are on
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this journey right now, in this moment in time, you are not
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alone. And here is Heather for this week's amazing episode
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Welcome to Just breathe, I am so glad you are here today. So
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during my little break in December, that I took to just
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enjoy being home with my kids and having Connor and Isabel
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home from college and just doing a lot of our fun, traditional
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things that we do and really just taking time to breathe. I
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attended an event on December 18. That was an online event
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called PATA palooza. And a friend of mine was one of the
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people running it Michelle Abraham. And I thought, well,
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this will be a good opportunity. This sounds like a fun, just a
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fun opportunity, really. So why not? Why not do this. So I
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really, you know, kind of going into it had no idea what I'd
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signed myself out for. But oh, my goodness, did it turn out to
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be a really, really cool event. So during the course of the day,
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I had the opportunity to interview two different people
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for the podcast from my podcast. So the interviews that I got to
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do, we're a little different than my typical style, they were
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a little more rapid fire and kind of a quick get to know you
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and tell me about what you do type of thing. But I really
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found both of the people that I got to interview so engaging and
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interesting, and I really wanted to share them with you. So the
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first one that you're going to hear from is Amy's Wagan balm,
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and she is a transformational stress coach. And one of the
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really interesting things about her is she has a stress relief
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blog that I will let you listen to her talk about and tell you
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more about but it's really, really cool. And then the other
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person I got to talk to is Joanne light. And she really
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talks a lot about emotional intelligence and the importance
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of developing that as a skill. So I am really happy that I get
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to share these two wonderful humans with you. And I hope you
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enjoy. So Amy, I'm so excited that we get to chat for a little
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bit here today during this awesome Potter Palooza event.
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And
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thank you for having me on your podcast. I really appreciate it.
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Of
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course, of course, I think that what you do and what you offer
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is so interesting. And you know, my listeners are just going to
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find you fascinating. And I think we'll be we'll be clicking
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on a couple of different things here. So I first want to because
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we were just talking about it, and I need to I need to hear
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more about this blog that you just started. Can you tell us
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about it?
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Yes. Basically, my blog is a free stress release tool. It has
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the same accomplishment as going out and causing harm without
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any, any harm. So it's it's a writing writing tool, and it's
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called How to literally get away with murder. And I teach my
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audience, how they would plan outs to kill the person who's
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stressed them out. Now you're just writing a story. So
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nobody's getting hurt, you don't you're not going to jail for it.
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And well, the next time the boss tells you, it makes you feel
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awful. You can think about your lovely story and feel much
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better.
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Right? I mean, that is so creative. And writing is such a
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stress reliever. So why not? You know, a lot of times I talk
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about journaling all the time, but really, this is taking it to
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the next level, right?
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Well, because I've done as a teacher, I did a criminal
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profiling course and I did design multiple murder mystery
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type that's, I really do know about what makes these people
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tick and how they decide they're victims, how they decide where
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they're going to kill and everything else. So I'm walking
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people through how you would literally design a murder
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against someone you don't like. Wow.
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without causing harm. Without there's no
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harm involved. In fact, if your story is really good, you could
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always change the names and publish it.
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Right? Exactly. It could be a series of short stories. Just
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keep them a compilation, right, which started out as a stress
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reliever. I just said is so cool.
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Yeah, it's just to get that anger and that stress out. So
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you feel better. The randomness is to release that stress and to
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lower your stress level because I'm a stress transformational
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stress coach
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exam. Well, that moves right beautifully into that. So which
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came first the blog or being the coach? What is your, your time?
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The coaching is actually came? I don't know. I mean, the blog
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grew out of other things that were there before the coaching,
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okay, but the coaching came in first. Okay. So learns basically
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everything I could possibly know about coaching. Still being one
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of those people who has to learn everything before? Wow,
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I think that's a good thing, right? Being a lifelong learner,
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we just continually get better or wiser. And you know, what we
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do? I think that's so smart. Well,
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it's, it keeps things interesting. You can never learn
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too much. I used to be? Well, I used to have a company as a
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Reiki Master and running the bars. And one of the things they
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taught us with running the boat bars is to always be in the
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question always be learning. Right? So this is one of the
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things I bring, also to my stress coaching. I'm also going
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to be having met at weekly meditation classes for my, my
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clients starting in January one. So all of this is part of the
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package for either one on one coaching or group coaching.
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Okay,
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that's great. So can we talk a little bit about who you offer,
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you know who your ideal client is for coaching? Who you like to
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work with, or who you typically work with?
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Well, I I'm looking to work with stressed out professional super
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moms who have these horrible stress related illnesses,
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because basically, they're trying to do the workload that
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even the great god Zeus couldn't figure out himself. Mm hmm.
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And that's become quite an issue, hasn't it?
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Well, the stress, I mean, people, stress is one of the
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biggest killers around and has been for a long time. And people
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don't realize how serious it really is.
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Right? Right. Well, because stress is not tangible. Right.
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So you don't realize all the havoc it reeks. I mean, it is
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that's a rather, but I think it as a general statement, right?
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It is, you can't, whereas like you can see sugar, right? You
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can see fat, you can see that you're not exercising, but you
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can't necessarily see stress. Let's talk about that just a
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little bit. Because I like that. You're not just a stress coach.
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You're a transformational stress coach, for professional
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supermoms that is highly specific. So well, I
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want to tell them how to enjoy their life. Okay. Basically,
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it's been believed for a long time that the only ones who can
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enjoy the the awesome career and having the family or the man,
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but nobody ever thinks about why. And the reason behind this
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is that the men are doing a lot less work. Yeah. Okay, they work
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their day at work, they come home, they park out in front of
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the TV, watch the news. Well, the wife makes dinner takes care
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of the kids. Make sure everybody does their homework. I mean,
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she's doing double duty here. That's why she's not having any
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fun,
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right? Or why she's exhausted all the time, right or bizarre.
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And now, all these stress related diseases are creeping
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in.
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Well, exactly and stress at the end of the day can
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kill you. Oh, yeah, absolutely. It can. It is It's funny when
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you say that I have to just really I was just having this
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conversation the other day with my my father is 87. And, and he
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will always say to me, Well, you should you should read, you
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know, XYZ and why don't you do this? And, and I laughed because
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you know, he was he was a dentist for 50 some odd years,
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right? And I was like, Dad, you got to go to work, do the one
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thing that you love doing. You had all these people around you
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making it work for you, right? Your assistants, your office
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manager, you came home, mom took care of all of us, right? You
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got to walk in the house and sit down and be fed, and then go
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read. And then get up the next day and do all of that again. I
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like that. Just literally no, I'm like the the number of
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things that mom always did that you had no idea the number of
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things that we do in this generation of women. Right? At
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times 100. A right. And I said it is it is beyond comprehension
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for you. So the fact that I don't sit down at three o'clock
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in the afternoon and read a newspaper. I know it's really
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hard for you to understand. It's not possible.
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Where do you find the time? Exactly. However, it's a lot of
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fun to grab the kids and go out for a snowball fights.
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Wow. Yes. Right. Or I mean, and I think these are the things
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that you're talking about right in what you're doing that you
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are teaching moms that it's okay to do.
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Well, it's it's about forgiving yourself, because you didn't ask
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for this job. You were just kind of dropped into it. And because
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this is something that you hadn't planned on that you just
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were nurtured, basically from birth to do us. I mean, nobody
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even remembers where this idea came from. It's been passed down
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for so many generations. Yeah.
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Yeah. And I think it's, it is definitely beginning to shift a
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little, right. It's a little, but
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it's got a long way to go. It has a very long
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way to go. And it takes conscious action on our part.
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Would you agree?
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Definitely. I would.
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So how do we act in? What do you tell you?
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The first step? The first step is take a step back and look at
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what is causing this. Alright, why are you feeling like this?
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What what are you doing? You know what? Hobby, sorry, dude.
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But you're going to have to start helping here. And the kids
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while you just got drafted. So, you know, if we were on a farm,
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every one of those children would not be playing video
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games, they would be doing chores. Well guess what? This is
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the new farm children. Right? You're going to put away the
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video games, you're going to help around the house so that
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mom can actually have be the kind of mother you want. Instead
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of feeling like she's grinding your teeth and clenched all the
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time and feeling awful. And it benefits everyone for mom to
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feel better.
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It does. It does. So what is a first step that a mom could
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take? And I'm talking from like being like in the trenches where
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it is really like she is at her wit's end. And she's just, what
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is that first step she can take?
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Well, I guess the best the first step she would take is to stop
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expecting herself to do it all. Stop thinking that you can
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handle this mountain of work. You are a human being, you are
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not a goddess. As much as you may look like one you are not a
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goddess. And you have to forgive yourself for not being able to
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conquer this instrumental load of work. Li and check it out and
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check out the blog have some fun with that. Well, I
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was just gonna say I think that's a perfect a perfect lead
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in right to the not only the blog, but really I want
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everybody to look into what you do. And take a look at this
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blog. It's I'm looking at this blog as soon as we finish here
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so I can so I can learn How to Get Away with Murder and a
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literary sense
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and repeating to people this is a literary tool
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literary literary art. Yes, I think we probably need to repeat
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Like 12 more times, right?
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Please go out and actually kill someone. That's not what I'm
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encouraging.
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Exactly. Not literally, literarily, it's just a couple
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letters that are moved around very important. But just also go
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out just how what is the So go into your blog. So the blog is
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called How to literarily get away with murder? Yes, yes.
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Okay. And then what is your website? What is the best way
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for people to contact you?
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Well, personally, I think laughter is a really good cure
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for stress. So I've tried to use it in a lot of things I do. My
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website is helped me stress coach calm.
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It's awesome. Okay, help me stress coach calm, okay, I will
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have this all in the show notes, everyone. So don't panic, if
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you're not getting this right now. It will be there because
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I'm writing it down right now. Okay, that is very fun. And
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I just love to have fun.
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You do have to have fun. You really do. And you have to learn
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to laugh and learn to allow yourself to be human.
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Right. Exactly. And, and one of my yourself sort of breaks
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right? Well, when you're sick is because you're not taking me
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correct. Absolutely correct. And to learn to embrace the
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messiness of all of this, because it's, it's going to be
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messy, whether you embrace it or not. So just embrace it and have
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fun with it.
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Exactly. Enjoy, try to enjoy your life, make things more fun.
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One of the things I suggest with my clients is, as part of
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drafting the kids so to speak, is make the weekends about
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cooking your meals for the week. So everybody gets together and
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cooks everything. You dump it in the freezer or the fridge. And
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then little Johnny and little Sam can can make dinner before
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everybody gets home, because they just stick it in the
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microwave.
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I love that. I love that. And then it's a group effort to
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which I think, you know, has value in so many ways, right?
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Well, it becomes a family activity and it becomes a hobby
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instead of a chore.
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Right? Right. Yes, I
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know. Personally, I love my crock pot. Throw everything in
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and see what you find at the end.
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Right. The crock pot. Okay, and my new favorite. The airfryer
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that thing is magical. I'm just gonna, I'm just putting it out
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there. It is fun. Like, you're nuts. No, it's not. No, I have
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just been amazed. I actually put salmon in there. And I cook
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salmon in the airfryer. Yes. I'm telling you. It's magical. It's
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not just for like, because my kids of course my you know,
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teenagers use it for you know, pizza rolls and, you know,
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fries, right fries now that I'm like, what kind of like actual
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good food can I put in here and have it come out? Good, right.
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And
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not to mention, you can play with all the little spices,
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right? Try this this time. Try this that time.
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00:18:29
Exactly. Exactly. So I'm with you a big fan my crock pot, my
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airfryer it's all good. So,
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and you can cook multiple meals in one shot, which is what makes
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it even better.
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Absolutely. Absolutely. And, and there. I think there's a piece
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of that too. Or the kids are like, Oh, this is kind of fun. I
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want to I want to help with this. How are you doing this?
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The sound? You know? Right. So
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I mean, it's not like baking, okay, when you're cooking, you
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00:19:01
can play with spices. You can play with a lot of the things
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when you bake. There's only so much you can do. Right. I
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learned this the hard way as a child, actually, because I mixed
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up the salt the sugar when I was making a cake. Oh,
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oh, I'm sorry. Huh?
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What was not edible? No,
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I would not think so. It was probably really pretty, but yet
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00:19:28
not edible. Oh, yeah. Well, you know, this is how we learn.
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00:19:33
Right? I'm sure you never did that again.
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Oh, yeah. It's it's all about discovering new things. It's all
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about living the adventure.
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00:19:42
Is it totally is as that's so funny. Oh my gosh. Well, Amy,
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thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much for thank you
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so much for having me. I really appreciate the talk with you.
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I know me too. Absolutely. And I'm going to jump off of here
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and and go check out Have your your blog out and your website
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out. I'm so excited. And I know my listeners will too, because
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this is just awesome. So
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I know they'll get a good laugh from the blog. It's it's really
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funny, it goes into real details on how to design you're getting
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rid of the first new stresses you out. So as long as you don't
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follow through with it, it's all good.
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That's right, exactly. And I think that's the disclaimer here
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is do not follow through with this physically, this is
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literally to write away your stress. Alright, Amy will enjoy
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the rest of today. And this awesome event. And I'm sure I
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hope we will connect sometime down the road.
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Oh, I would absolutely love that. Okay, wonderful. Thank you
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very much.
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You are welcome. Bye. Bye. So Joanne, I am very excited to
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meet you and to learn about you and learn about what you do. I
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was so interested reading your, your short bio, with lots of
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experience with parents and with kids and with coaching. And so I
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am hoping that you might just share with us what you do and
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what kind of brought you into what you're doing now.
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Okay, sure that that's a fair question. I right now, my focus
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is to coach parents, particularly if tweens and
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teens, and I love working with parents of kids that age,
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because everyone sort of has this bad rap view of teenagers,
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you know, there's sort of a societal wholesale view,
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00:21:51
although I think it's changing a little that teenagers are
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impulsive and rash and nasty and disrespectful. And, sure there
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00:22:00
is that side to all of them at some times. But I think that
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they are the most interesting human beings, they and their
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brains are constantly on fire and changing. So and I came to
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do parents because well, I spent 30 some odd years in higher
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education. I was an educator, and administrator, a counselor.
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And when I retired, I decided coaching was a good thing for
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me. Because I like working with people and doing sort of
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passionate kind of work. And right now, I'm working with
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parents, because I think we need to really give all we all need
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00:22:40
the skills of emotional intelligence, how to be a good
Unknown:
00:22:44
listener, why those things are important to be good parent to
Unknown:
00:22:50
being available parent and not. It's not all it's not about you,
Unknown:
00:22:55
and to really share that with parents so that they can raise
Unknown:
00:22:59
resilient kids. And it's hard. It's really hard work. And I I
Unknown:
00:23:06
feel that we as parents, and I'm my kids are adult children,
Unknown:
00:23:13
adults now. We as parents need to raise the next generation and
Unknown:
00:23:18
the kids who are teens today and preteens, man, we're gonna need
Unknown:
00:23:21
them to be great leaders and great citizens because things
Unknown:
00:23:24
are a little dark. Things are not looking so good right now.
Unknown:
00:23:30
So I, I became passionate about the coaching and, and chose this
Unknown:
00:23:34
niche because I really, I feel like I understand teenagers. And
Unknown:
00:23:40
therefore I understand their parents and I, I raised three
Unknown:
00:23:43
teenagers, none of whom escaped. Having lots of issues, my oldest
Unknown:
00:23:48
daughter has mental health issues and when your child is
Unknown:
00:23:52
different, it's just a it's a bigger challenge. So parents of
Unknown:
00:23:57
LGBTQ kids have a, almost a higher barrier a higher a higher
Unknown:
00:24:04
wall to, to climb over and, and jump down and be present there.
Unknown:
00:24:11
Absolutely.
Unknown:
00:24:13
And I There are several pieces there that I just found so
Unknown:
00:24:17
interesting. But that is that is so correct. And I think that you
Unknown:
00:24:22
know, as parents, we kind of have to it's part of it is that
Unknown:
00:24:25
seeing our kids and seeing, okay, what what do they need
Unknown:
00:24:30
from us? Right? So I really loved that you said it's not
Unknown:
00:24:33
about you, because I think that's such an easy thing,
Unknown:
00:24:36
especially when our kids are teenagers, right to feel like,
Unknown:
00:24:39
why are they being so mean to me, or why are they doing that?
Unknown:
00:24:43
It's totally not about us. Right. And so that's right. And
Unknown:
00:24:51
I think I'm so glad you said that. I think that's something
Unknown:
00:24:54
we just have to like continue hearing from others who have,
Unknown:
00:24:58
you know, who are teaching that and who have been through it.
Unknown:
00:25:01
And then it's something we just have to practice like that. Oh,
Unknown:
00:25:04
yeah. This isn't about me. Right. Right. And that allows
Unknown:
00:25:09
you, I think to, and I think this is my next question for
Unknown:
00:25:13
you, is to really see your kid, right to see what it is they're,
Unknown:
00:25:21
you know, trying to tell you or what it is they're going through
Unknown:
00:25:24
or dealing with, or just being a kid, you know, just being a
Unknown:
00:25:29
teenager or whatever your tween or early, you know, young adult.
Unknown:
00:25:34
But I, one of the things that really captivated me about you
Unknown:
00:25:38
is the, your work with emotional intelligence. And that is
Unknown:
00:25:43
something that is, I think, new to many, many people. And so a
Unknown:
00:25:50
lot of us are just in that very much, either. We've never heard
Unknown:
00:25:53
of it before, or we're really wanting to learn about it. So
Unknown:
00:25:56
what can you share about that?
Unknown:
00:25:59
Oh, that's, that's a Pet Pet love of mine. I just want to
Unknown:
00:26:04
start with what you started to say about seeing our kids for
Unknown:
00:26:08
who they are, I think one of the hardest things for parents to do
Unknown:
00:26:12
is to let your child become just become who he or she, he or she
Unknown:
00:26:17
or they are. And that's very difficult. And I think if you
Unknown:
00:26:22
understand emotional intelligence, which I just want
Unknown:
00:26:24
to make clear, Heather, in my mind is a skill. You can learn
Unknown:
00:26:27
it at any time. It's a skill, and I think it's seems, has
Unknown:
00:26:33
always been seen as a soft skill. But that's, that's sort
Unknown:
00:26:37
of changing. There are a lot of business leaders, including
Unknown:
00:26:40
Amazon, who are hiring people to teach their employees, emotional
Unknown:
00:26:45
intelligence, and hiring people, recruiters now look for those
Unknown:
00:26:49
skills in people. And what emotional intelligence is all
Unknown:
00:26:54
about is understanding emotions, being able to label them being
Unknown:
00:26:59
to an understanding where you're coming from, and being able to
Unknown:
00:27:03
understand other people's emotions, and regulating them.
Unknown:
00:27:06
And as a parent, one of the hardest things to do is to
Unknown:
00:27:10
regulate your own emotions. And unless you really understand
Unknown:
00:27:13
where you're coming from, and where your emotions are coming
Unknown:
00:27:17
from, it's really hard to regulate those of your preteen
Unknown:
00:27:21
or teen. So emotional intelligence is really a group
Unknown:
00:27:25
of skills, you have to recognize them, understand them have a
Unknown:
00:27:29
vocabulary, it's not just about happy or sad, there are no bad
Unknown:
00:27:34
emotions, there's a huge 1000s of words that describe a
Unknown:
00:27:38
feeling. And once you label them, I think you can express
Unknown:
00:27:43
them appropriately and know where and when to express them.
Unknown:
00:27:48
And I think that really, then you can regulate them. I think
Unknown:
00:27:53
it takes all of that work, to be able to, you know, not when your
Unknown:
00:27:58
kid does something that is outrageous to explode and lose
Unknown:
00:28:03
it totally. Now, we all as parents have totally lost it at
Unknown:
00:28:08
times. No question about it or him? Yes, and it's okay and
Unknown:
00:28:13
mistakes. You want your kids to make mistakes and learn from
Unknown:
00:28:16
them, and you learn from yours. And you can repair all that. But
Unknown:
00:28:20
if you really are emotionally intelligent, you really, I think
Unknown:
00:28:24
can learn to be a empathic leader. Kids who know emotional
Unknown:
00:28:30
intelligence, who have modeled it, because they're who have
Unknown:
00:28:33
learned it, because their parents have modeled it, have
Unknown:
00:28:36
their I think, are more academically successful in how
Unknown:
00:28:39
many parents do you know, that just really looked at their kids
Unknown:
00:28:42
in their achievements as a measure of success?
Unknown:
00:28:46
Absolutely. Absolutely. I am. I think one of the really
Unknown:
00:28:53
interesting things that, you know, has become so clear to me
Unknown:
00:28:58
in the past 10 years, I guess, is that emotions, you know, I
Unknown:
00:29:03
think when when I was growing up, it was very much you don't
Unknown:
00:29:09
express right. And if you did express, it was a sign of
Unknown:
00:29:13
weakness, right? Especially if it were, you know, tears or any
Unknown:
00:29:20
form of, you know, sadness, or any really anything, right. And
Unknown:
00:29:25
so now, I think, Oh, this is great, because we're really
Unknown:
00:29:29
learning that emotions and understanding them. It's
Unknown:
00:29:34
information. So that being angry isn't bad. It's information. So
Unknown:
00:29:40
what is that anger? So like learning to ask those questions
Unknown:
00:29:43
of, well, okay, you're angry. Why are you angry? What is that
Unknown:
00:29:48
anger telling you what to you? And so, I think it's that, you
Unknown:
00:29:51
know, it's understanding to talk about it and then to validate
Unknown:
00:29:55
that experience and say, Hey, I see that you're angry. or, or
Unknown:
00:30:00
having somebody reflect that to you, right? I can see that
Unknown:
00:30:03
you're really sad about that. Or you're really, and like you
Unknown:
00:30:07
said, like, there are hundreds of words to, you know, express
Unknown:
00:30:12
to describe emotions, right? So
Unknown:
00:30:15
there's your, you know, there's totally exasperated, violent,
Unknown:
00:30:20
miserable, I mean, you can, you know, you can be this angry or
Unknown:
00:30:25
this angry or, or higher level of angry and you can learn the
Unknown:
00:30:29
words for all those different different shades of anger. And
Unknown:
00:30:34
you're right, you've got to look underneath, where is it coming
Unknown:
00:30:39
from?
Unknown:
00:30:40
Exactly, exactly, and not being afraid to look underneath.
Unknown:
00:30:44
Right? As a parent, as you said, to say to your child, I see that
Unknown:
00:30:48
you're frustrated, I see that you're upset, do you want to
Unknown:
00:30:51
talk about it, but interrogating them? It won't work? They need
Unknown:
00:30:55
to come to you.
Unknown:
00:30:56
Right. Right. And sometimes I think that they and I don't know
Unknown:
00:31:02
what your thoughts are on this. But sometimes I feel like, you
Unknown:
00:31:06
know, and we just say, Hey, I see that, right? I feel like
Unknown:
00:31:11
you're there's no energy coming off of you rises, because I feel
Unknown:
00:31:16
like there's you know, there's sad energy coming off of your,
Unknown:
00:31:19
your, you seem a little agitated, or you know what, for
Unknown:
00:31:22
them to be like, oh, like, okay, they may not even want to talk
Unknown:
00:31:27
about it. They're just like, Okay, some somebody hears me or
Unknown:
00:31:30
sees my ear. And then they can like, start going through their
Unknown:
00:31:34
process, and then know that you are a safe place to come in if
Unknown:
00:31:38
they need to continue processing, right? Or if they
Unknown:
00:31:41
need, you know, one thing that I'm always throwing out in my
Unknown:
00:31:46
house is, you know, if you need a professional to talk to, like
Unknown:
00:31:49
somebody that was not your mom, or your dad or sibling or best
Unknown:
00:31:53
friend. Professionals are available. Right. Right. And I
Unknown:
00:31:58
think that's a piece of normalizing.
Unknown:
00:32:02
You're realizing your emotions, right? Because there's the
Unknown:
00:32:05
stigma attached to looking for professional help less now less.
Unknown:
00:32:11
But I know when I was looking for professionals, for my, my
Unknown:
00:32:14
daughter, it was, it was not only hard, but it felt, you
Unknown:
00:32:18
know, I felt like I was being judged, because I was looking
Unknown:
00:32:21
for help.
Unknown:
00:32:22
Right. Right. I think you're right, that is definitely
Unknown:
00:32:25
shifting, which is such a great thing. I love that. And, and,
Unknown:
00:32:33
and you're definitely you know, in the line of coaching parents
Unknown:
00:32:38
and working with parents and teenagers, I feel like that's
Unknown:
00:32:42
very much about a parallel. And I just wonder if you could talk
Unknown:
00:32:49
a little bit more, just to my audience about what you, you
Unknown:
00:32:54
know, what you do and what you specifically offer? Because I
Unknown:
00:32:57
think that's something that people are looking for more and
Unknown:
00:33:00
more and interested in? How do we find this? And how do we, you
Unknown:
00:33:05
know, what questions do we need to ask? So we know we can find,
Unknown:
00:33:09
you know, a good match.
Unknown:
00:33:11
Right? Well, you know, that that that's a broad? That's a hard
Unknown:
00:33:17
question to answer. Because by again, no, no, no, no, no, it's
Unknown:
00:33:21
fair. It's fair. I. I just tried to reach out to parents, and
Unknown:
00:33:28
talk about the things that they need to talk about what I tried
Unknown:
00:33:33
to get them to think about their vision, what do you need? Where
Unknown:
00:33:38
do you want to go? How do you see your future within your
Unknown:
00:33:43
family with your team? Because it's different in every family.
Unknown:
00:33:48
I mean, I've recently been chatting with a mom, who I, I
Unknown:
00:33:51
just, I'm like aghast at how amazing she is who has one child
Unknown:
00:33:56
who at two and a half knew that she was a heat. So she's been
Unknown:
00:34:04
dealing with a transgender child, and her oldest child, who
Unknown:
00:34:09
is non, you know, non binary, and there's just so many
Unknown:
00:34:15
different situations that come up. So I try very hard to, to
Unknown:
00:34:21
meet parents where they are, what they need, how they've been
Unknown:
00:34:25
parented, because that totally influences how you come across,
Unknown:
00:34:33
or how you parent, even if you swear, you're never gonna sound
Unknown:
00:34:36
like your mother someday. You may sound like your mother, you
Unknown:
00:34:39
know, I think it it. It's there. There are generational patterns.
Unknown:
00:34:45
And so I just try to offer a confidential space where mums
Unknown:
00:34:51
and dads can talk about what they worry about, and what their
Unknown:
00:34:55
fears are because I think parenting from a place of fear
Unknown:
00:34:59
that One subject that I think is universal, and I try very hard
Unknown:
00:35:04
to always bring that into our, my coaching sessions is, it's
Unknown:
00:35:09
just from the minute that baby is born, I think the tentacles
Unknown:
00:35:15
of fear just wrapped around your heart. And that is, that's it
Unknown:
00:35:18
from that point forward. And if we can learn how to parent from
Unknown:
00:35:22
a place of trust, Heather as opposed to a, from a place of
Unknown:
00:35:27
fear, right, some will do better will feel better, because we all
Unknown:
00:35:32
worry about so many things. And your anxiety is so high
Unknown:
00:35:37
sometimes. And it's a scary world out there, there plenty
Unknown:
00:35:39
things to be afraid of. You have to you can't protect your child
Unknown:
00:35:43
from from everything. And I always think prompt I say
Unknown:
00:35:49
problem free is not fully prepared. You know, they all
Unknown:
00:35:53
need to face their challenges, and some more than others. So
Unknown:
00:35:56
certainly a LGB t Q. Child, and their mom and dad have a heart
Unknown:
00:36:03
or their mom and mom or whoever it is have a tough time. It's
Unknown:
00:36:08
It's hard out there. But um, so I don't know if I've answered
Unknown:
00:36:11
your question, but I think I just tried to acquire clients
Unknown:
00:36:15
who want to trust and be open and have an opportunity to share
Unknown:
00:36:20
what what bothers them, what is worrisome for them, and to take
Unknown:
00:36:24
them to the next place to the next level? Where they'd like to
Unknown:
00:36:30
grow?
Unknown:
00:36:30
Right? Oh, that's great. It sounds to me that you're really
Unknown:
00:36:36
you meet people where they are, you see them for who they are.
Unknown:
00:36:40
And there's a lot of it's non judgmental, it's safe, and we
Unknown:
00:36:46
try it right. And I think that is a eight, something that is
Unknown:
00:36:51
very comforting. You know, many people are looking for that, and
Unknown:
00:36:56
they're just not quite sure where to go, where to look for,
Unknown:
00:37:00
you know, where to find this type of support. So I love that,
Unknown:
00:37:06
you know, because for so long, and you know, really having a
Unknown:
00:37:10
therapist was your one option, right? So I mean, finding a
Unknown:
00:37:15
therapist, that was really a good match. It was hard, right?
Unknown:
00:37:18
And also kind of jumping through that or getting over that hurdle
Unknown:
00:37:22
of, I don't know what I think about this, right? I mean, now
Unknown:
00:37:26
I'm the biggest advocate of therapy, I think it's, it's so
Unknown:
00:37:29
very important. And it's it's kind of like, it's, it's just
Unknown:
00:37:33
mental health, self care, as far as I'm concerned. So that's my,
Unknown:
00:37:38
like, just in normalizing it and really encouraging people, but I
Unknown:
00:37:42
love that. Coaches, like you, parent coaches, and, you know,
Unknown:
00:37:49
coaching for all have kind of entered this space, because it's
Unknown:
00:37:54
a lovely mix, right? And it just fits, I think, avoid that was
Unknown:
00:38:02
there. So I appreciate what you do. And I appreciate, you know,
Unknown:
00:38:10
kind of watching this, this grow, and having it having it be
Unknown:
00:38:16
available for four people because I always say, you know,
Unknown:
00:38:21
finding, finding a therapist is like speed dating, you know,
Unknown:
00:38:24
it's really hard, right? So this is true, this is quite, quite
Unknown:
00:38:29
lovely. So would I be able to how would people find you if
Unknown:
00:38:35
they wanted to learn more about you?
Unknown:
00:38:37
Well, I have a website. That's Joanne H light li GH t.com. And
Unknown:
00:38:44
I love when people just email me and we just start a conversation
Unknown:
00:38:48
that way. And my email is Joanne at Joanne H lytx.com.
Unknown:
00:38:54
Okay, well, that's easy. Super. Yeah. Well, great. Well, that
Unknown:
00:38:57
will be I will also have that in my notes for our show today. And
Unknown:
00:39:02
if it's okay with you, I will put a link on my website so
Unknown:
00:39:06
people can can find you that way as well. But I think that this
Unknown:
00:39:11
is just a really, I appreciate you being with me today and
Unknown:
00:39:16
really appreciate it. Thanks so much for joining me today. Just
Unknown:
00:39:23
a quick reminder to make sure you bookmark my website as your
Unknown:
00:39:29
go to source for resources, information, podcasts updates.
Unknown:
00:39:36
If you are when you sign up for my email list, I have an amazing
Unknown:
00:39:43
list of all of my favorite resources that you will get
Unknown:
00:39:46
right away. So definitely worth it. I do not email crazy
Unknown:
00:39:52
amounts. It's really only when I have awesome things to share
Unknown:
00:39:56
with you. So take a minute jump on over there and do that. and I
Unknown:
00:40:00
look forward to connecting with you. Until next time.
Unknown:
00:40:05
Thanks so much for joining Heather today. Remember to just
Unknown:
00:40:08
breathe. Take a few minutes every day to calm and center
Unknown:
00:40:12
yourself. Reach out anytime with ideas, questions or feedback.
Unknown:
00:40:17
Please rate and review just breathe on your favorite
Unknown:
00:40:19
platform. Subscribe to Heather's website WWW dot chrysalis
Unknown:
00:40:23
mama.com to receive her monthly newsletter and stay informed.
Unknown:
00:40:28
Join the private just breathe Facebook community to chat with
Unknown:
00:40:31
other parents and allies and share with anyone who needs to
00:00:02
Welcome to Just breathe parenting your LGBTQ team, the
Unknown:
00:00:07
podcast, transforming the conversation around loving and
Unknown:
00:00:10
raising an LGBTQ child filled with awesome guests practical
Unknown:
00:00:15
strategies and moving stories host Heather Hester always makes
Unknown:
00:00:19
you feel like you're having a cozy chat. Wherever you are on
Unknown:
00:00:23
this journey right now, in this moment in time, you are not
Unknown:
00:00:27
alone. And here is Heather for this week's amazing episode
Unknown:
00:00:37
Welcome to Just breathe, I am so glad you are here today. So
Unknown:
00:00:42
during my little break in December, that I took to just
Unknown:
00:00:47
enjoy being home with my kids and having Connor and Isabel
Unknown:
00:00:51
home from college and just doing a lot of our fun, traditional
Unknown:
00:00:56
things that we do and really just taking time to breathe. I
Unknown:
00:01:03
attended an event on December 18. That was an online event
Unknown:
00:01:07
called PATA palooza. And a friend of mine was one of the
Unknown:
00:01:12
people running it Michelle Abraham. And I thought, well,
Unknown:
00:01:16
this will be a good opportunity. This sounds like a fun, just a
Unknown:
00:01:20
fun opportunity, really. So why not? Why not do this. So I
Unknown:
00:01:24
really, you know, kind of going into it had no idea what I'd
Unknown:
00:01:28
signed myself out for. But oh, my goodness, did it turn out to
Unknown:
00:01:33
be a really, really cool event. So during the course of the day,
Unknown:
00:01:39
I had the opportunity to interview two different people
Unknown:
00:01:43
for the podcast from my podcast. So the interviews that I got to
Unknown:
00:01:48
do, we're a little different than my typical style, they were
Unknown:
00:01:52
a little more rapid fire and kind of a quick get to know you
Unknown:
00:01:56
and tell me about what you do type of thing. But I really
Unknown:
00:01:59
found both of the people that I got to interview so engaging and
Unknown:
00:02:03
interesting, and I really wanted to share them with you. So the
Unknown:
00:02:08
first one that you're going to hear from is Amy's Wagan balm,
Unknown:
00:02:12
and she is a transformational stress coach. And one of the
Unknown:
00:02:17
really interesting things about her is she has a stress relief
Unknown:
00:02:22
blog that I will let you listen to her talk about and tell you
Unknown:
00:02:26
more about but it's really, really cool. And then the other
Unknown:
00:02:29
person I got to talk to is Joanne light. And she really
Unknown:
00:02:35
talks a lot about emotional intelligence and the importance
Unknown:
00:02:39
of developing that as a skill. So I am really happy that I get
Unknown:
00:02:45
to share these two wonderful humans with you. And I hope you
Unknown:
00:02:49
enjoy. So Amy, I'm so excited that we get to chat for a little
Unknown:
00:02:54
bit here today during this awesome Potter Palooza event.
Unknown:
00:02:59
And
Unknown:
00:03:01
thank you for having me on your podcast. I really appreciate it.
Unknown:
00:03:04
Of
Unknown:
00:03:04
course, of course, I think that what you do and what you offer
Unknown:
00:03:10
is so interesting. And you know, my listeners are just going to
Unknown:
00:03:16
find you fascinating. And I think we'll be we'll be clicking
Unknown:
00:03:20
on a couple of different things here. So I first want to because
Unknown:
00:03:25
we were just talking about it, and I need to I need to hear
Unknown:
00:03:28
more about this blog that you just started. Can you tell us
Unknown:
00:03:31
about it?
Unknown:
00:03:32
Yes. Basically, my blog is a free stress release tool. It has
Unknown:
00:03:39
the same accomplishment as going out and causing harm without
Unknown:
00:03:44
any, any harm. So it's it's a writing writing tool, and it's
Unknown:
00:03:50
called How to literally get away with murder. And I teach my
Unknown:
00:03:55
audience, how they would plan outs to kill the person who's
Unknown:
00:04:00
stressed them out. Now you're just writing a story. So
Unknown:
00:04:02
nobody's getting hurt, you don't you're not going to jail for it.
Unknown:
00:04:06
And well, the next time the boss tells you, it makes you feel
Unknown:
00:04:10
awful. You can think about your lovely story and feel much
Unknown:
00:04:14
better.
Unknown:
00:04:16
Right? I mean, that is so creative. And writing is such a
Unknown:
00:04:23
stress reliever. So why not? You know, a lot of times I talk
Unknown:
00:04:29
about journaling all the time, but really, this is taking it to
Unknown:
00:04:33
the next level, right?
Unknown:
00:04:37
Well, because I've done as a teacher, I did a criminal
Unknown:
00:04:40
profiling course and I did design multiple murder mystery
Unknown:
00:04:46
type that's, I really do know about what makes these people
Unknown:
00:04:51
tick and how they decide they're victims, how they decide where
Unknown:
00:04:55
they're going to kill and everything else. So I'm walking
Unknown:
00:04:59
people through how you would literally design a murder
Unknown:
00:05:03
against someone you don't like. Wow.
Unknown:
00:05:08
without causing harm. Without there's no
Unknown:
00:05:11
harm involved. In fact, if your story is really good, you could
Unknown:
00:05:15
always change the names and publish it.
Unknown:
00:05:17
Right? Exactly. It could be a series of short stories. Just
Unknown:
00:05:22
keep them a compilation, right, which started out as a stress
Unknown:
00:05:26
reliever. I just said is so cool.
Unknown:
00:05:32
Yeah, it's just to get that anger and that stress out. So
Unknown:
00:05:35
you feel better. The randomness is to release that stress and to
Unknown:
00:05:39
lower your stress level because I'm a stress transformational
Unknown:
00:05:42
stress coach
Unknown:
00:05:43
exam. Well, that moves right beautifully into that. So which
Unknown:
00:05:48
came first the blog or being the coach? What is your, your time?
Unknown:
00:05:54
The coaching is actually came? I don't know. I mean, the blog
Unknown:
00:06:00
grew out of other things that were there before the coaching,
Unknown:
00:06:03
okay, but the coaching came in first. Okay. So learns basically
Unknown:
00:06:12
everything I could possibly know about coaching. Still being one
Unknown:
00:06:19
of those people who has to learn everything before? Wow,
Unknown:
00:06:22
I think that's a good thing, right? Being a lifelong learner,
Unknown:
00:06:26
we just continually get better or wiser. And you know, what we
Unknown:
00:06:32
do? I think that's so smart. Well,
Unknown:
00:06:37
it's, it keeps things interesting. You can never learn
Unknown:
00:06:42
too much. I used to be? Well, I used to have a company as a
Unknown:
00:06:46
Reiki Master and running the bars. And one of the things they
Unknown:
00:06:51
taught us with running the boat bars is to always be in the
Unknown:
00:06:54
question always be learning. Right? So this is one of the
Unknown:
00:07:00
things I bring, also to my stress coaching. I'm also going
Unknown:
00:07:06
to be having met at weekly meditation classes for my, my
Unknown:
00:07:09
clients starting in January one. So all of this is part of the
Unknown:
00:07:15
package for either one on one coaching or group coaching.
Unknown:
00:07:19
Okay,
Unknown:
00:07:20
that's great. So can we talk a little bit about who you offer,
Unknown:
00:07:26
you know who your ideal client is for coaching? Who you like to
Unknown:
00:07:30
work with, or who you typically work with?
Unknown:
00:07:34
Well, I I'm looking to work with stressed out professional super
Unknown:
00:07:41
moms who have these horrible stress related illnesses,
Unknown:
00:07:46
because basically, they're trying to do the workload that
Unknown:
00:07:49
even the great god Zeus couldn't figure out himself. Mm hmm.
Unknown:
00:07:56
And that's become quite an issue, hasn't it?
Unknown:
00:08:00
Well, the stress, I mean, people, stress is one of the
Unknown:
00:08:04
biggest killers around and has been for a long time. And people
Unknown:
00:08:09
don't realize how serious it really is.
Unknown:
00:08:13
Right? Right. Well, because stress is not tangible. Right.
Unknown:
00:08:19
So you don't realize all the havoc it reeks. I mean, it is
Unknown:
00:08:23
that's a rather, but I think it as a general statement, right?
Unknown:
00:08:27
It is, you can't, whereas like you can see sugar, right? You
Unknown:
00:08:30
can see fat, you can see that you're not exercising, but you
Unknown:
00:08:35
can't necessarily see stress. Let's talk about that just a
Unknown:
00:08:40
little bit. Because I like that. You're not just a stress coach.
Unknown:
00:08:45
You're a transformational stress coach, for professional
Unknown:
00:08:50
supermoms that is highly specific. So well, I
Unknown:
00:08:54
want to tell them how to enjoy their life. Okay. Basically,
Unknown:
00:08:57
it's been believed for a long time that the only ones who can
Unknown:
00:09:01
enjoy the the awesome career and having the family or the man,
Unknown:
00:09:06
but nobody ever thinks about why. And the reason behind this
Unknown:
00:09:13
is that the men are doing a lot less work. Yeah. Okay, they work
Unknown:
00:09:20
their day at work, they come home, they park out in front of
Unknown:
00:09:23
the TV, watch the news. Well, the wife makes dinner takes care
Unknown:
00:09:27
of the kids. Make sure everybody does their homework. I mean,
Unknown:
00:09:31
she's doing double duty here. That's why she's not having any
Unknown:
00:09:34
fun,
Unknown:
00:09:35
right? Or why she's exhausted all the time, right or bizarre.
Unknown:
00:09:41
And now, all these stress related diseases are creeping
Unknown:
00:09:45
in.
Unknown:
00:09:48
Well, exactly and stress at the end of the day can
Unknown:
00:09:52
kill you. Oh, yeah, absolutely. It can. It is It's funny when
Unknown:
00:10:00
you say that I have to just really I was just having this
Unknown:
00:10:04
conversation the other day with my my father is 87. And, and he
Unknown:
00:10:09
will always say to me, Well, you should you should read, you
Unknown:
00:10:12
know, XYZ and why don't you do this? And, and I laughed because
Unknown:
00:10:17
you know, he was he was a dentist for 50 some odd years,
Unknown:
00:10:22
right? And I was like, Dad, you got to go to work, do the one
Unknown:
00:10:25
thing that you love doing. You had all these people around you
Unknown:
00:10:29
making it work for you, right? Your assistants, your office
Unknown:
00:10:33
manager, you came home, mom took care of all of us, right? You
Unknown:
00:10:38
got to walk in the house and sit down and be fed, and then go
Unknown:
00:10:41
read. And then get up the next day and do all of that again. I
Unknown:
00:10:45
like that. Just literally no, I'm like the the number of
Unknown:
00:10:50
things that mom always did that you had no idea the number of
Unknown:
00:10:53
things that we do in this generation of women. Right? At
Unknown:
00:10:58
times 100. A right. And I said it is it is beyond comprehension
Unknown:
00:11:02
for you. So the fact that I don't sit down at three o'clock
Unknown:
00:11:05
in the afternoon and read a newspaper. I know it's really
Unknown:
00:11:08
hard for you to understand. It's not possible.
Unknown:
00:11:14
Where do you find the time? Exactly. However, it's a lot of
Unknown:
00:11:19
fun to grab the kids and go out for a snowball fights.
Unknown:
00:11:22
Wow. Yes. Right. Or I mean, and I think these are the things
Unknown:
00:11:27
that you're talking about right in what you're doing that you
Unknown:
00:11:31
are teaching moms that it's okay to do.
Unknown:
00:11:36
Well, it's it's about forgiving yourself, because you didn't ask
Unknown:
00:11:39
for this job. You were just kind of dropped into it. And because
Unknown:
00:11:46
this is something that you hadn't planned on that you just
Unknown:
00:11:49
were nurtured, basically from birth to do us. I mean, nobody
Unknown:
00:11:54
even remembers where this idea came from. It's been passed down
Unknown:
00:11:58
for so many generations. Yeah.
Unknown:
00:12:04
Yeah. And I think it's, it is definitely beginning to shift a
Unknown:
00:12:08
little, right. It's a little, but
Unknown:
00:12:13
it's got a long way to go. It has a very long
Unknown:
00:12:15
way to go. And it takes conscious action on our part.
Unknown:
00:12:21
Would you agree?
Unknown:
00:12:23
Definitely. I would.
Unknown:
00:12:25
So how do we act in? What do you tell you?
Unknown:
00:12:28
The first step? The first step is take a step back and look at
Unknown:
00:12:34
what is causing this. Alright, why are you feeling like this?
Unknown:
00:12:39
What what are you doing? You know what? Hobby, sorry, dude.
Unknown:
00:12:45
But you're going to have to start helping here. And the kids
Unknown:
00:12:49
while you just got drafted. So, you know, if we were on a farm,
Unknown:
00:12:58
every one of those children would not be playing video
Unknown:
00:13:00
games, they would be doing chores. Well guess what? This is
Unknown:
00:13:03
the new farm children. Right? You're going to put away the
Unknown:
00:13:07
video games, you're going to help around the house so that
Unknown:
00:13:10
mom can actually have be the kind of mother you want. Instead
Unknown:
00:13:16
of feeling like she's grinding your teeth and clenched all the
Unknown:
00:13:20
time and feeling awful. And it benefits everyone for mom to
Unknown:
00:13:25
feel better.
Unknown:
00:13:27
It does. It does. So what is a first step that a mom could
Unknown:
00:13:35
take? And I'm talking from like being like in the trenches where
Unknown:
00:13:41
it is really like she is at her wit's end. And she's just, what
Unknown:
00:13:46
is that first step she can take?
Unknown:
00:13:49
Well, I guess the best the first step she would take is to stop
Unknown:
00:13:54
expecting herself to do it all. Stop thinking that you can
Unknown:
00:14:00
handle this mountain of work. You are a human being, you are
Unknown:
00:14:04
not a goddess. As much as you may look like one you are not a
Unknown:
00:14:08
goddess. And you have to forgive yourself for not being able to
Unknown:
00:14:14
conquer this instrumental load of work. Li and check it out and
Unknown:
00:14:22
check out the blog have some fun with that. Well, I
Unknown:
00:14:25
was just gonna say I think that's a perfect a perfect lead
Unknown:
00:14:28
in right to the not only the blog, but really I want
Unknown:
00:14:33
everybody to look into what you do. And take a look at this
Unknown:
00:14:41
blog. It's I'm looking at this blog as soon as we finish here
Unknown:
00:14:45
so I can so I can learn How to Get Away with Murder and a
Unknown:
00:14:50
literary sense
Unknown:
00:14:53
and repeating to people this is a literary tool
Unknown:
00:14:56
literary literary art. Yes, I think we probably need to repeat
Unknown:
00:14:59
Like 12 more times, right?
Unknown:
00:15:02
Please go out and actually kill someone. That's not what I'm
Unknown:
00:15:05
encouraging.
Unknown:
00:15:06
Exactly. Not literally, literarily, it's just a couple
Unknown:
00:15:12
letters that are moved around very important. But just also go
Unknown:
00:15:17
out just how what is the So go into your blog. So the blog is
Unknown:
00:15:20
called How to literarily get away with murder? Yes, yes.
Unknown:
00:15:27
Okay. And then what is your website? What is the best way
Unknown:
00:15:30
for people to contact you?
Unknown:
00:15:33
Well, personally, I think laughter is a really good cure
Unknown:
00:15:36
for stress. So I've tried to use it in a lot of things I do. My
Unknown:
00:15:41
website is helped me stress coach calm.
Unknown:
00:15:45
It's awesome. Okay, help me stress coach calm, okay, I will
Unknown:
00:15:52
have this all in the show notes, everyone. So don't panic, if
Unknown:
00:15:56
you're not getting this right now. It will be there because
Unknown:
00:16:01
I'm writing it down right now. Okay, that is very fun. And
Unknown:
00:16:08
I just love to have fun.
Unknown:
00:16:10
You do have to have fun. You really do. And you have to learn
Unknown:
00:16:15
to laugh and learn to allow yourself to be human.
Unknown:
00:16:20
Right. Exactly. And, and one of my yourself sort of breaks
Unknown:
00:16:24
right? Well, when you're sick is because you're not taking me
Unknown:
00:16:29
correct. Absolutely correct. And to learn to embrace the
Unknown:
00:16:34
messiness of all of this, because it's, it's going to be
Unknown:
00:16:37
messy, whether you embrace it or not. So just embrace it and have
Unknown:
00:16:41
fun with it.
Unknown:
00:16:44
Exactly. Enjoy, try to enjoy your life, make things more fun.
Unknown:
00:16:51
One of the things I suggest with my clients is, as part of
Unknown:
00:16:55
drafting the kids so to speak, is make the weekends about
Unknown:
00:17:02
cooking your meals for the week. So everybody gets together and
Unknown:
00:17:05
cooks everything. You dump it in the freezer or the fridge. And
Unknown:
00:17:09
then little Johnny and little Sam can can make dinner before
Unknown:
00:17:13
everybody gets home, because they just stick it in the
Unknown:
00:17:15
microwave.
Unknown:
00:17:17
I love that. I love that. And then it's a group effort to
Unknown:
00:17:22
which I think, you know, has value in so many ways, right?
Unknown:
00:17:26
Well, it becomes a family activity and it becomes a hobby
Unknown:
00:17:29
instead of a chore.
Unknown:
00:17:31
Right? Right. Yes, I
Unknown:
00:17:35
know. Personally, I love my crock pot. Throw everything in
Unknown:
00:17:38
and see what you find at the end.
Unknown:
00:17:40
Right. The crock pot. Okay, and my new favorite. The airfryer
Unknown:
00:17:46
that thing is magical. I'm just gonna, I'm just putting it out
Unknown:
00:17:51
there. It is fun. Like, you're nuts. No, it's not. No, I have
Unknown:
00:17:56
just been amazed. I actually put salmon in there. And I cook
Unknown:
00:18:00
salmon in the airfryer. Yes. I'm telling you. It's magical. It's
Unknown:
00:18:04
not just for like, because my kids of course my you know,
Unknown:
00:18:08
teenagers use it for you know, pizza rolls and, you know,
Unknown:
00:18:12
fries, right fries now that I'm like, what kind of like actual
Unknown:
00:18:17
good food can I put in here and have it come out? Good, right.
Unknown:
00:18:22
And
Unknown:
00:18:23
not to mention, you can play with all the little spices,
Unknown:
00:18:26
right? Try this this time. Try this that time.
Unknown:
00:18:29
Exactly. Exactly. So I'm with you a big fan my crock pot, my
Unknown:
00:18:34
airfryer it's all good. So,
Unknown:
00:18:38
and you can cook multiple meals in one shot, which is what makes
Unknown:
00:18:42
it even better.
Unknown:
00:18:43
Absolutely. Absolutely. And, and there. I think there's a piece
Unknown:
00:18:48
of that too. Or the kids are like, Oh, this is kind of fun. I
Unknown:
00:18:51
want to I want to help with this. How are you doing this?
Unknown:
00:18:54
The sound? You know? Right. So
Unknown:
00:18:58
I mean, it's not like baking, okay, when you're cooking, you
Unknown:
00:19:01
can play with spices. You can play with a lot of the things
Unknown:
00:19:05
when you bake. There's only so much you can do. Right. I
Unknown:
00:19:09
learned this the hard way as a child, actually, because I mixed
Unknown:
00:19:14
up the salt the sugar when I was making a cake. Oh,
Unknown:
00:19:18
oh, I'm sorry. Huh?
Unknown:
00:19:22
What was not edible? No,
Unknown:
00:19:24
I would not think so. It was probably really pretty, but yet
Unknown:
00:19:28
not edible. Oh, yeah. Well, you know, this is how we learn.
Unknown:
00:19:33
Right? I'm sure you never did that again.
Unknown:
00:19:37
Oh, yeah. It's it's all about discovering new things. It's all
Unknown:
00:19:40
about living the adventure.
Unknown:
00:19:42
Is it totally is as that's so funny. Oh my gosh. Well, Amy,
Unknown:
00:19:48
thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much for thank you
Unknown:
00:19:50
so much for having me. I really appreciate the talk with you.
Unknown:
00:19:54
I know me too. Absolutely. And I'm going to jump off of here
Unknown:
00:19:58
and and go check out Have your your blog out and your website
Unknown:
00:20:02
out. I'm so excited. And I know my listeners will too, because
Unknown:
00:20:07
this is just awesome. So
Unknown:
00:20:09
I know they'll get a good laugh from the blog. It's it's really
Unknown:
00:20:12
funny, it goes into real details on how to design you're getting
Unknown:
00:20:16
rid of the first new stresses you out. So as long as you don't
Unknown:
00:20:19
follow through with it, it's all good.
Unknown:
00:20:21
That's right, exactly. And I think that's the disclaimer here
Unknown:
00:20:24
is do not follow through with this physically, this is
Unknown:
00:20:28
literally to write away your stress. Alright, Amy will enjoy
Unknown:
00:20:35
the rest of today. And this awesome event. And I'm sure I
Unknown:
00:20:41
hope we will connect sometime down the road.
Unknown:
00:20:45
Oh, I would absolutely love that. Okay, wonderful. Thank you
Unknown:
00:20:49
very much.
Unknown:
00:20:49
You are welcome. Bye. Bye. So Joanne, I am very excited to
Unknown:
00:20:57
meet you and to learn about you and learn about what you do. I
Unknown:
00:21:02
was so interested reading your, your short bio, with lots of
Unknown:
00:21:09
experience with parents and with kids and with coaching. And so I
Unknown:
00:21:15
am hoping that you might just share with us what you do and
Unknown:
00:21:23
what kind of brought you into what you're doing now.
Unknown:
00:21:29
Okay, sure that that's a fair question. I right now, my focus
Unknown:
00:21:34
is to coach parents, particularly if tweens and
Unknown:
00:21:38
teens, and I love working with parents of kids that age,
Unknown:
00:21:43
because everyone sort of has this bad rap view of teenagers,
Unknown:
00:21:48
you know, there's sort of a societal wholesale view,
Unknown:
00:21:51
although I think it's changing a little that teenagers are
Unknown:
00:21:54
impulsive and rash and nasty and disrespectful. And, sure there
Unknown:
00:22:00
is that side to all of them at some times. But I think that
Unknown:
00:22:04
they are the most interesting human beings, they and their
Unknown:
00:22:08
brains are constantly on fire and changing. So and I came to
Unknown:
00:22:12
do parents because well, I spent 30 some odd years in higher
Unknown:
00:22:16
education. I was an educator, and administrator, a counselor.
Unknown:
00:22:22
And when I retired, I decided coaching was a good thing for
Unknown:
00:22:26
me. Because I like working with people and doing sort of
Unknown:
00:22:31
passionate kind of work. And right now, I'm working with
Unknown:
00:22:35
parents, because I think we need to really give all we all need
Unknown:
00:22:40
the skills of emotional intelligence, how to be a good
Unknown:
00:22:44
listener, why those things are important to be good parent to
Unknown:
00:22:50
being available parent and not. It's not all it's not about you,
Unknown:
00:22:55
and to really share that with parents so that they can raise
Unknown:
00:22:59
resilient kids. And it's hard. It's really hard work. And I I
Unknown:
00:23:06
feel that we as parents, and I'm my kids are adult children,
Unknown:
00:23:13
adults now. We as parents need to raise the next generation and
Unknown:
00:23:18
the kids who are teens today and preteens, man, we're gonna need
Unknown:
00:23:21
them to be great leaders and great citizens because things
Unknown:
00:23:24
are a little dark. Things are not looking so good right now.
Unknown:
00:23:30
So I, I became passionate about the coaching and, and chose this
Unknown:
00:23:34
niche because I really, I feel like I understand teenagers. And
Unknown:
00:23:40
therefore I understand their parents and I, I raised three
Unknown:
00:23:43
teenagers, none of whom escaped. Having lots of issues, my oldest
Unknown:
00:23:48
daughter has mental health issues and when your child is
Unknown:
00:23:52
different, it's just a it's a bigger challenge. So parents of
Unknown:
00:23:57
LGBTQ kids have a, almost a higher barrier a higher a higher
Unknown:
00:24:04
wall to, to climb over and, and jump down and be present there.
Unknown:
00:24:11
Absolutely.
Unknown:
00:24:13
And I There are several pieces there that I just found so
Unknown:
00:24:17
interesting. But that is that is so correct. And I think that you
Unknown:
00:24:22
know, as parents, we kind of have to it's part of it is that
Unknown:
00:24:25
seeing our kids and seeing, okay, what what do they need
Unknown:
00:24:30
from us? Right? So I really loved that you said it's not
Unknown:
00:24:33
about you, because I think that's such an easy thing,
Unknown:
00:24:36
especially when our kids are teenagers, right to feel like,
Unknown:
00:24:39
why are they being so mean to me, or why are they doing that?
Unknown:
00:24:43
It's totally not about us. Right. And so that's right. And
Unknown:
00:24:51
I think I'm so glad you said that. I think that's something
Unknown:
00:24:54
we just have to like continue hearing from others who have,
Unknown:
00:24:58
you know, who are teaching that and who have been through it.
Unknown:
00:25:01
And then it's something we just have to practice like that. Oh,
Unknown:
00:25:04
yeah. This isn't about me. Right. Right. And that allows
Unknown:
00:25:09
you, I think to, and I think this is my next question for
Unknown:
00:25:13
you, is to really see your kid, right to see what it is they're,
Unknown:
00:25:21
you know, trying to tell you or what it is they're going through
Unknown:
00:25:24
or dealing with, or just being a kid, you know, just being a
Unknown:
00:25:29
teenager or whatever your tween or early, you know, young adult.
Unknown:
00:25:34
But I, one of the things that really captivated me about you
Unknown:
00:25:38
is the, your work with emotional intelligence. And that is
Unknown:
00:25:43
something that is, I think, new to many, many people. And so a
Unknown:
00:25:50
lot of us are just in that very much, either. We've never heard
Unknown:
00:25:53
of it before, or we're really wanting to learn about it. So
Unknown:
00:25:56
what can you share about that?
Unknown:
00:25:59
Oh, that's, that's a Pet Pet love of mine. I just want to
Unknown:
00:26:04
start with what you started to say about seeing our kids for
Unknown:
00:26:08
who they are, I think one of the hardest things for parents to do
Unknown:
00:26:12
is to let your child become just become who he or she, he or she
Unknown:
00:26:17
or they are. And that's very difficult. And I think if you
Unknown:
00:26:22
understand emotional intelligence, which I just want
Unknown:
00:26:24
to make clear, Heather, in my mind is a skill. You can learn
Unknown:
00:26:27
it at any time. It's a skill, and I think it's seems, has
Unknown:
00:26:33
always been seen as a soft skill. But that's, that's sort
Unknown:
00:26:37
of changing. There are a lot of business leaders, including
Unknown:
00:26:40
Amazon, who are hiring people to teach their employees, emotional
Unknown:
00:26:45
intelligence, and hiring people, recruiters now look for those
Unknown:
00:26:49
skills in people. And what emotional intelligence is all
Unknown:
00:26:54
about is understanding emotions, being able to label them being
Unknown:
00:26:59
to an understanding where you're coming from, and being able to
Unknown:
00:27:03
understand other people's emotions, and regulating them.
Unknown:
00:27:06
And as a parent, one of the hardest things to do is to
Unknown:
00:27:10
regulate your own emotions. And unless you really understand
Unknown:
00:27:13
where you're coming from, and where your emotions are coming
Unknown:
00:27:17
from, it's really hard to regulate those of your preteen
Unknown:
00:27:21
or teen. So emotional intelligence is really a group
Unknown:
00:27:25
of skills, you have to recognize them, understand them have a
Unknown:
00:27:29
vocabulary, it's not just about happy or sad, there are no bad
Unknown:
00:27:34
emotions, there's a huge 1000s of words that describe a
Unknown:
00:27:38
feeling. And once you label them, I think you can express
Unknown:
00:27:43
them appropriately and know where and when to express them.
Unknown:
00:27:48
And I think that really, then you can regulate them. I think
Unknown:
00:27:53
it takes all of that work, to be able to, you know, not when your
Unknown:
00:27:58
kid does something that is outrageous to explode and lose
Unknown:
00:28:03
it totally. Now, we all as parents have totally lost it at
Unknown:
00:28:08
times. No question about it or him? Yes, and it's okay and
Unknown:
00:28:13
mistakes. You want your kids to make mistakes and learn from
Unknown:
00:28:16
them, and you learn from yours. And you can repair all that. But
Unknown:
00:28:20
if you really are emotionally intelligent, you really, I think
Unknown:
00:28:24
can learn to be a empathic leader. Kids who know emotional
Unknown:
00:28:30
intelligence, who have modeled it, because they're who have
Unknown:
00:28:33
learned it, because their parents have modeled it, have
Unknown:
00:28:36
their I think, are more academically successful in how
Unknown:
00:28:39
many parents do you know, that just really looked at their kids
Unknown:
00:28:42
in their achievements as a measure of success?
Unknown:
00:28:46
Absolutely. Absolutely. I am. I think one of the really
Unknown:
00:28:53
interesting things that, you know, has become so clear to me
Unknown:
00:28:58
in the past 10 years, I guess, is that emotions, you know, I
Unknown:
00:29:03
think when when I was growing up, it was very much you don't
Unknown:
00:29:09
express right. And if you did express, it was a sign of
Unknown:
00:29:13
weakness, right? Especially if it were, you know, tears or any
Unknown:
00:29:20
form of, you know, sadness, or any really anything, right. And
Unknown:
00:29:25
so now, I think, Oh, this is great, because we're really
Unknown:
00:29:29
learning that emotions and understanding them. It's
Unknown:
00:29:34
information. So that being angry isn't bad. It's information. So
Unknown:
00:29:40
what is that anger? So like learning to ask those questions
Unknown:
00:29:43
of, well, okay, you're angry. Why are you angry? What is that
Unknown:
00:29:48
anger telling you what to you? And so, I think it's that, you
Unknown:
00:29:51
know, it's understanding to talk about it and then to validate
Unknown:
00:29:55
that experience and say, Hey, I see that you're angry. or, or
Unknown:
00:30:00
having somebody reflect that to you, right? I can see that
Unknown:
00:30:03
you're really sad about that. Or you're really, and like you
Unknown:
00:30:07
said, like, there are hundreds of words to, you know, express
Unknown:
00:30:12
to describe emotions, right? So
Unknown:
00:30:15
there's your, you know, there's totally exasperated, violent,
Unknown:
00:30:20
miserable, I mean, you can, you know, you can be this angry or
Unknown:
00:30:25
this angry or, or higher level of angry and you can learn the
Unknown:
00:30:29
words for all those different different shades of anger. And
Unknown:
00:30:34
you're right, you've got to look underneath, where is it coming
Unknown:
00:30:39
from?
Unknown:
00:30:40
Exactly, exactly, and not being afraid to look underneath.
Unknown:
00:30:44
Right? As a parent, as you said, to say to your child, I see that
Unknown:
00:30:48
you're frustrated, I see that you're upset, do you want to
Unknown:
00:30:51
talk about it, but interrogating them? It won't work? They need
Unknown:
00:30:55
to come to you.
Unknown:
00:30:56
Right. Right. And sometimes I think that they and I don't know
Unknown:
00:31:02
what your thoughts are on this. But sometimes I feel like, you
Unknown:
00:31:06
know, and we just say, Hey, I see that, right? I feel like
Unknown:
00:31:11
you're there's no energy coming off of you rises, because I feel
Unknown:
00:31:16
like there's you know, there's sad energy coming off of your,
Unknown:
00:31:19
your, you seem a little agitated, or you know what, for
Unknown:
00:31:22
them to be like, oh, like, okay, they may not even want to talk
Unknown:
00:31:27
about it. They're just like, Okay, some somebody hears me or
Unknown:
00:31:30
sees my ear. And then they can like, start going through their
Unknown:
00:31:34
process, and then know that you are a safe place to come in if
Unknown:
00:31:38
they need to continue processing, right? Or if they
Unknown:
00:31:41
need, you know, one thing that I'm always throwing out in my
Unknown:
00:31:46
house is, you know, if you need a professional to talk to, like
Unknown:
00:31:49
somebody that was not your mom, or your dad or sibling or best
Unknown:
00:31:53
friend. Professionals are available. Right. Right. And I
Unknown:
00:31:58
think that's a piece of normalizing.
Unknown:
00:32:02
You're realizing your emotions, right? Because there's the
Unknown:
00:32:05
stigma attached to looking for professional help less now less.
Unknown:
00:32:11
But I know when I was looking for professionals, for my, my
Unknown:
00:32:14
daughter, it was, it was not only hard, but it felt, you
Unknown:
00:32:18
know, I felt like I was being judged, because I was looking
Unknown:
00:32:21
for help.
Unknown:
00:32:22
Right. Right. I think you're right, that is definitely
Unknown:
00:32:25
shifting, which is such a great thing. I love that. And, and,
Unknown:
00:32:33
and you're definitely you know, in the line of coaching parents
Unknown:
00:32:38
and working with parents and teenagers, I feel like that's
Unknown:
00:32:42
very much about a parallel. And I just wonder if you could talk
Unknown:
00:32:49
a little bit more, just to my audience about what you, you
Unknown:
00:32:54
know, what you do and what you specifically offer? Because I
Unknown:
00:32:57
think that's something that people are looking for more and
Unknown:
00:33:00
more and interested in? How do we find this? And how do we, you
Unknown:
00:33:05
know, what questions do we need to ask? So we know we can find,
Unknown:
00:33:09
you know, a good match.
Unknown:
00:33:11
Right? Well, you know, that that that's a broad? That's a hard
Unknown:
00:33:17
question to answer. Because by again, no, no, no, no, no, it's
Unknown:
00:33:21
fair. It's fair. I. I just tried to reach out to parents, and
Unknown:
00:33:28
talk about the things that they need to talk about what I tried
Unknown:
00:33:33
to get them to think about their vision, what do you need? Where
Unknown:
00:33:38
do you want to go? How do you see your future within your
Unknown:
00:33:43
family with your team? Because it's different in every family.
Unknown:
00:33:48
I mean, I've recently been chatting with a mom, who I, I
Unknown:
00:33:51
just, I'm like aghast at how amazing she is who has one child
Unknown:
00:33:56
who at two and a half knew that she was a heat. So she's been
Unknown:
00:34:04
dealing with a transgender child, and her oldest child, who
Unknown:
00:34:09
is non, you know, non binary, and there's just so many
Unknown:
00:34:15
different situations that come up. So I try very hard to, to
Unknown:
00:34:21
meet parents where they are, what they need, how they've been
Unknown:
00:34:25
parented, because that totally influences how you come across,
Unknown:
00:34:33
or how you parent, even if you swear, you're never gonna sound
Unknown:
00:34:36
like your mother someday. You may sound like your mother, you
Unknown:
00:34:39
know, I think it it. It's there. There are generational patterns.
Unknown:
00:34:45
And so I just try to offer a confidential space where mums
Unknown:
00:34:51
and dads can talk about what they worry about, and what their
Unknown:
00:34:55
fears are because I think parenting from a place of fear
Unknown:
00:34:59
that One subject that I think is universal, and I try very hard
Unknown:
00:35:04
to always bring that into our, my coaching sessions is, it's
Unknown:
00:35:09
just from the minute that baby is born, I think the tentacles
Unknown:
00:35:15
of fear just wrapped around your heart. And that is, that's it
Unknown:
00:35:18
from that point forward. And if we can learn how to parent from
Unknown:
00:35:22
a place of trust, Heather as opposed to a, from a place of
Unknown:
00:35:27
fear, right, some will do better will feel better, because we all
Unknown:
00:35:32
worry about so many things. And your anxiety is so high
Unknown:
00:35:37
sometimes. And it's a scary world out there, there plenty
Unknown:
00:35:39
things to be afraid of. You have to you can't protect your child
Unknown:
00:35:43
from from everything. And I always think prompt I say
Unknown:
00:35:49
problem free is not fully prepared. You know, they all
Unknown:
00:35:53
need to face their challenges, and some more than others. So
Unknown:
00:35:56
certainly a LGB t Q. Child, and their mom and dad have a heart
Unknown:
00:36:03
or their mom and mom or whoever it is have a tough time. It's
Unknown:
00:36:08
It's hard out there. But um, so I don't know if I've answered
Unknown:
00:36:11
your question, but I think I just tried to acquire clients
Unknown:
00:36:15
who want to trust and be open and have an opportunity to share
Unknown:
00:36:20
what what bothers them, what is worrisome for them, and to take
Unknown:
00:36:24
them to the next place to the next level? Where they'd like to
Unknown:
00:36:30
grow?
Unknown:
00:36:30
Right? Oh, that's great. It sounds to me that you're really
Unknown:
00:36:36
you meet people where they are, you see them for who they are.
Unknown:
00:36:40
And there's a lot of it's non judgmental, it's safe, and we
Unknown:
00:36:46
try it right. And I think that is a eight, something that is
Unknown:
00:36:51
very comforting. You know, many people are looking for that, and
Unknown:
00:36:56
they're just not quite sure where to go, where to look for,
Unknown:
00:37:00
you know, where to find this type of support. So I love that,
Unknown:
00:37:06
you know, because for so long, and you know, really having a
Unknown:
00:37:10
therapist was your one option, right? So I mean, finding a
Unknown:
00:37:15
therapist, that was really a good match. It was hard, right?
Unknown:
00:37:18
And also kind of jumping through that or getting over that hurdle
Unknown:
00:37:22
of, I don't know what I think about this, right? I mean, now
Unknown:
00:37:26
I'm the biggest advocate of therapy, I think it's, it's so
Unknown:
00:37:29
very important. And it's it's kind of like, it's, it's just
Unknown:
00:37:33
mental health, self care, as far as I'm concerned. So that's my,
Unknown:
00:37:38
like, just in normalizing it and really encouraging people, but I
Unknown:
00:37:42
love that. Coaches, like you, parent coaches, and, you know,
Unknown:
00:37:49
coaching for all have kind of entered this space, because it's
Unknown:
00:37:54
a lovely mix, right? And it just fits, I think, avoid that was
Unknown:
00:38:02
there. So I appreciate what you do. And I appreciate, you know,
Unknown:
00:38:10
kind of watching this, this grow, and having it having it be
Unknown:
00:38:16
available for four people because I always say, you know,
Unknown:
00:38:21
finding, finding a therapist is like speed dating, you know,
Unknown:
00:38:24
it's really hard, right? So this is true, this is quite, quite
Unknown:
00:38:29
lovely. So would I be able to how would people find you if
Unknown:
00:38:35
they wanted to learn more about you?
Unknown:
00:38:37
Well, I have a website. That's Joanne H light li GH t.com. And
Unknown:
00:38:44
I love when people just email me and we just start a conversation
Unknown:
00:38:48
that way. And my email is Joanne at Joanne H lytx.com.
Unknown:
00:38:54
Okay, well, that's easy. Super. Yeah. Well, great. Well, that
Unknown:
00:38:57
will be I will also have that in my notes for our show today. And
Unknown:
00:39:02
if it's okay with you, I will put a link on my website so
Unknown:
00:39:06
people can can find you that way as well. But I think that this
Unknown:
00:39:11
is just a really, I appreciate you being with me today and
Unknown:
00:39:16
really appreciate it. Thanks so much for joining me today. Just
Unknown:
00:39:23
a quick reminder to make sure you bookmark my website as your
Unknown:
00:39:29
go to source for resources, information, podcasts updates.
Unknown:
00:39:36
If you are when you sign up for my email list, I have an amazing
Unknown:
00:39:43
list of all of my favorite resources that you will get
Unknown:
00:39:46
right away. So definitely worth it. I do not email crazy
Unknown:
00:39:52
amounts. It's really only when I have awesome things to share
Unknown:
00:39:56
with you. So take a minute jump on over there and do that. and I
Unknown:
00:40:00
look forward to connecting with you. Until next time.
Unknown:
00:40:05
Thanks so much for joining Heather today. Remember to just
Unknown:
00:40:08
breathe. Take a few minutes every day to calm and center
Unknown:
00:40:12
yourself. Reach out anytime with ideas, questions or feedback.
Unknown:
00:40:17
Please rate and review just breathe on your favorite
Unknown:
00:40:19
platform. Subscribe to Heather's website WWW dot chrysalis
Unknown:
00:40:23
mama.com to receive her monthly newsletter and stay informed.
Unknown:
00:40:28
Join the private just breathe Facebook community to chat with
Unknown:
00:40:31
other parents and allies and share with anyone who needs to
