WEBVTT
00:00:00.640 --> 00:00:05.280
So many times we have something good happen and we can't feel it.
00:00:05.839 --> 00:00:14.400
Even worse, we can notice the good, and instead of feeling excited or happy, we feel heavy and we don't know why.
00:00:14.720 --> 00:00:25.120
Hi, this is Jordana, the CEO of the Recon Network and host of the In Brief podcast, and today we're talking about something that almost no one prepares you for grief in transition.
00:00:25.440 --> 00:00:36.399
Not the obvious kind, not the grief that comes from a significant tragedy or loss, but the quiet kind that shows up when you leave something behind, even when leaving was the right choice.
00:00:36.640 --> 00:00:47.600
We're going to talk about why grief exists in places where you don't expect it, why you can't skip over it, and how naming what you lost is the only way to actually move forward.
00:00:49.439 --> 00:00:50.479
This is in brief.
00:00:50.799 --> 00:00:52.079
Let's get to it.
00:01:09.840 --> 00:01:12.560
And logically, you know that it was time.
00:01:12.719 --> 00:01:14.640
You know that it was the right move.
00:01:14.799 --> 00:01:18.400
You may have even been the one who chose to leave proactively.
00:01:18.719 --> 00:01:27.359
But underneath all of that, there's something else, something heavy, something that sits in your chest and makes everything feel harder than it should.
00:01:27.680 --> 00:01:34.079
And because the thing that you left wasn't all bad, you don't have language for what you're feeling.
00:01:34.400 --> 00:01:35.920
So you ignore it.
00:01:36.079 --> 00:01:36.879
You push it down.
00:01:36.959 --> 00:01:40.319
You tell yourself to focus on the future and that you should be grateful.
00:01:40.560 --> 00:01:43.760
You may even give yourself a lecture about moving on.
00:01:44.159 --> 00:01:47.760
But that unnamed feeling does have a name.
00:01:48.000 --> 00:01:49.120
It's grief.
00:01:49.359 --> 00:01:50.400
And it's real.
00:01:50.560 --> 00:01:53.920
And it doesn't care whether the thing you lost was good or bad.
00:01:54.079 --> 00:01:56.319
It just cares that it's gone.
00:01:56.640 --> 00:01:57.680
And I hear you.
00:01:57.840 --> 00:01:59.040
You're saying grief?
00:01:59.359 --> 00:02:00.719
It's not that big a deal.
00:02:00.879 --> 00:02:04.640
But see, grief doesn't always show up when something terrible happens.
00:02:04.879 --> 00:02:08.080
Grief shows up whenever you lose something that mattered.
00:02:08.240 --> 00:02:10.639
And that includes things that were complicated.
00:02:10.800 --> 00:02:15.759
Sometimes that includes things that weren't working anymore or things you chose to walk away from.
00:02:15.919 --> 00:02:22.719
Things you assumed would bring you relief or comfort, and maybe they did a little, but both of those things can be true at the same time.
00:02:22.960 --> 00:02:27.439
You can grieve something that you're also relieved to leave.
00:02:27.840 --> 00:02:32.639
There's a lot that actually gets lost in transition, and it's not always obvious.
00:02:32.879 --> 00:02:40.000
Yes, you lose the structure, you lose the identity, the title, the role, the rank, but you also lose smaller things.
00:02:40.159 --> 00:02:48.479
Things that don't sound significant when you say them out loud, but that shaped your days in ways that you don't realize until they're gone.
00:02:48.719 --> 00:03:00.719
You lose the routine, predictability, the sense of knowing exactly what your day was going to look like before it started, the camaraderie, the people who understood the job or the joke without you having to explain it.
00:03:00.879 --> 00:03:08.159
You lose shared language, inside jokes, the shorthand that only worked in that specific context.
00:03:08.400 --> 00:03:18.479
You lose the version of yourself that existed in that space, the confident version, the competent version, the version who knew exactly who they were and what they were doing.
00:03:18.719 --> 00:03:24.800
And none of those losses sound like the thing that you're supposed to grieve, but they absolutely matter.
00:03:24.960 --> 00:03:28.080
And when they're gone, you absolutely feel it.
00:03:28.319 --> 00:03:35.120
It gets confusing because, like most people leaving the military, there's a good chance you didn't love every part of it.
00:03:35.280 --> 00:03:41.199
Some parts were probably hard, some parts were broken, and others you were genuinely glad to leave behind.
00:03:41.439 --> 00:03:44.080
So when grief shows up, it feels wrong.
00:03:44.240 --> 00:03:46.240
You think, why am I sad about this?
00:03:46.400 --> 00:03:47.680
It wasn't even that good.
00:03:47.919 --> 00:03:51.120
I wanted to leave or I chose to leave.
00:03:51.360 --> 00:03:53.439
But grief doesn't work that way.
00:03:53.680 --> 00:03:57.360
You can be relieved that something is over and still miss parts of it.
00:03:57.520 --> 00:04:01.520
You can be excited about what's next and still mourn what came before.
00:04:01.759 --> 00:04:04.800
It isn't about whether the thing you lost was perfect.
00:04:04.960 --> 00:04:07.199
It's about the fact that it was yours.
00:04:07.759 --> 00:04:09.120
So why does this matter?
00:04:09.280 --> 00:04:12.240
Why can't you just push through it and focus on moving forward?
00:04:12.400 --> 00:04:15.680
Well, because unprocessed grief doesn't disappear.
00:04:15.919 --> 00:04:16.800
It waits.
00:04:16.959 --> 00:04:21.120
It sits underneath everything you're trying to build and it makes everything harder.
00:04:21.279 --> 00:04:32.319
It shows up as exhaustion you can't explain, or as irritability that doesn't match the situation, as a flatness that makes everything feel muted, even when things should feel good.
00:04:32.639 --> 00:04:37.519
And the longer you ignore it, the heavier it gets because your nervous system knows something was lost.
00:04:37.680 --> 00:04:44.879
And until you acknowledge it, until you give it a name and let it exist, your system stays stuck in the loss.
00:04:45.040 --> 00:04:51.120
It can't move forward because it's still holding on to something that you won't let yourself admit is gone.
00:04:51.759 --> 00:05:00.079
Many of the men and women I talk with have a hard time with this type of grief, and it boils down to the tendency to not want to dwell on things, right?
00:05:00.399 --> 00:05:06.720
In service, it can be hard to sit with things and process them because the timeline keeps moving with or without you.
00:05:06.879 --> 00:05:10.800
So dwelling on things becomes a luxury that you just don't have.
00:05:11.199 --> 00:05:14.560
So instead of dwelling on something, let's talk about naming.
00:05:14.720 --> 00:05:17.519
Because naming what you lost is not the same as dwelling on it.
00:05:17.600 --> 00:05:19.360
It's not wallowing, it's clarity.
00:05:19.600 --> 00:05:26.959
When you name what you lost, when you say it out loud, even just to yourself, you give your brain permission to stop holding it in suspension.
00:05:27.279 --> 00:05:28.879
You let the loss be real.
00:05:29.040 --> 00:05:31.759
And once it's real, you can actually process it.
00:05:31.920 --> 00:05:35.600
You can let it move through you instead of staying stuck inside you.
00:05:35.839 --> 00:05:37.519
Now here's one way to do it.
00:05:37.839 --> 00:05:38.800
Make a list.
00:05:39.199 --> 00:05:42.079
Not a mental list, an actual list.
00:05:42.639 --> 00:05:45.839
Sit down and write, what did I lose?
00:05:46.160 --> 00:05:54.480
Not the big obvious things, the specific things, the routine you had, the people you saw every day, the sense of purpose that came from knowing your role mattered.
00:05:54.639 --> 00:05:56.720
And as you write, you'll notice something.
00:05:56.879 --> 00:06:01.600
Some of the things on the list don't make a lot of logical sense.
00:06:01.839 --> 00:06:04.079
Some of them feel contradictory.
00:06:04.319 --> 00:06:10.079
You might write down that you lost the pressure, but you also realize that you lost the adrenaline that came with it.
00:06:10.319 --> 00:06:16.399
You might note that you lost the structure and realize that that was part of what made you feel safe.
00:06:16.800 --> 00:06:18.240
All of that is okay.
00:06:18.399 --> 00:06:19.680
Grief is messy.
00:06:19.759 --> 00:06:21.519
It doesn't have to be logical.
00:06:21.920 --> 00:06:23.199
But back to your list.
00:06:23.360 --> 00:06:26.560
Once you've named the thing, here's what you do.
00:06:27.120 --> 00:06:28.720
Let it be true.
00:06:29.040 --> 00:06:32.240
Don't argue with it or try to talk yourself out of it.
00:06:32.399 --> 00:06:34.800
Don't tell yourself you shouldn't feel that way.
00:06:35.040 --> 00:06:37.279
Just let it sit there as it is.
00:06:38.160 --> 00:06:39.279
I lost this.
00:06:39.439 --> 00:06:40.639
And it mattered.
00:06:41.120 --> 00:06:42.879
And I'm allowed to feel that.
00:06:44.079 --> 00:06:48.639
And then ask yourself, what do I need to do with this?
00:06:49.360 --> 00:06:52.160
The question isn't how do I get rid of it?
00:06:52.319 --> 00:06:55.439
It's just, what does this loss need for me?
00:06:56.160 --> 00:06:59.839
More often than not, grief just needs acknowledgement and time.
00:07:00.000 --> 00:07:02.560
Sometimes it needs you to talk to someone who gets it.
00:07:02.720 --> 00:07:05.920
Sometimes it might need you to stop pretending it doesn't exist.
00:07:06.399 --> 00:07:09.519
But your nervous system doesn't move on from loss by ignoring it.
00:07:09.680 --> 00:07:11.360
It moves on by processing it.
00:07:11.439 --> 00:07:20.000
And processing doesn't mean fixing, it means letting the loss be real, feeling what it brings up, and then when your system is ready, letting it settle.
00:07:20.240 --> 00:07:23.920
You can't force that timeline, but you can stop blocking it.
00:07:24.240 --> 00:07:26.319
Here's the thing you might be missing.
00:07:26.560 --> 00:07:29.199
Grief and forward movement aren't opposites.
00:07:29.519 --> 00:07:32.240
You can grieve and build at the same time.
00:07:32.480 --> 00:07:35.120
See, grief doesn't keep you from moving forward.
00:07:35.439 --> 00:07:37.120
Unprocessed grief does.
00:07:37.360 --> 00:07:41.680
But when you name the loss and let yourself feel it, you create space.
00:07:41.920 --> 00:07:48.720
And that actually lets you engage with what comes next without dragging the unresolved weight of what came before.
00:07:49.040 --> 00:07:54.720
So if you're in a transition right now and you're feeling heavy in ways you can't explain, here's the permission you might need.
00:07:54.959 --> 00:07:58.079
You're allowed to grieve something you chose to leave.
00:07:58.240 --> 00:08:01.120
You're allowed to miss parts of something that wasn't working.
00:08:01.360 --> 00:08:06.720
You're allowed to feel sad about losing a version of yourself that doesn't fit your life anymore.
00:08:06.959 --> 00:08:09.120
None of that means you made the wrong choice.
00:08:09.199 --> 00:08:11.439
It just means the choice had a cost.
00:08:11.519 --> 00:08:14.560
And costs are real, even when the choice was right.
00:08:14.959 --> 00:08:18.160
Transition is not just about what you're moving toward.
00:08:18.319 --> 00:08:20.480
It's also about what you're leaving behind.
00:08:20.639 --> 00:08:25.839
And until you name what you left, you can't fully step into what comes next.
00:08:26.079 --> 00:08:31.680
Because part of you is still back there holding on to something that you never gave yourself permission to let go of.
00:08:32.000 --> 00:08:34.240
You don't have to forget what you lost.
00:08:34.480 --> 00:08:37.039
You just have to stop pretending it wasn't real.
00:08:37.440 --> 00:08:42.399
Name it, feel it, and then let it go to make room for what's next.
00:08:51.279 --> 00:08:53.200
But if you don't, then what?
00:08:53.679 --> 00:08:58.960
At the Recon Network, we run free events year-round to meet you where you are.
00:08:59.200 --> 00:09:11.279
From our annual VET Summit to online workshops and even in-person local events, we provide real training, real conversations, and practical insights you can use the same day.
00:09:11.440 --> 00:09:16.320
With a goal to get you the tools you need to find direction and meaning now.
00:09:16.879 --> 00:09:20.960
So if you don't know what you want or where you want to go, no worries.
00:09:21.120 --> 00:09:23.279
There's no cost, no pressure.
00:09:23.440 --> 00:09:25.600
Just support when you need it.
00:09:25.840 --> 00:09:31.840
So find your next event at recon.bet and join us for something new.
00:00:00.640 --> 00:00:05.280
So many times we have something good happen and we can't feel it.
00:00:05.839 --> 00:00:14.400
Even worse, we can notice the good, and instead of feeling excited or happy, we feel heavy and we don't know why.
00:00:14.720 --> 00:00:25.120
Hi, this is Jordana, the CEO of the Recon Network and host of the In Brief podcast, and today we're talking about something that almost no one prepares you for grief in transition.
00:00:25.440 --> 00:00:36.399
Not the obvious kind, not the grief that comes from a significant tragedy or loss, but the quiet kind that shows up when you leave something behind, even when leaving was the right choice.
00:00:36.640 --> 00:00:47.600
We're going to talk about why grief exists in places where you don't expect it, why you can't skip over it, and how naming what you lost is the only way to actually move forward.
00:00:49.439 --> 00:00:50.479
This is in brief.
00:00:50.799 --> 00:00:52.079
Let's get to it.
00:01:09.840 --> 00:01:12.560
And logically, you know that it was time.
00:01:12.719 --> 00:01:14.640
You know that it was the right move.
00:01:14.799 --> 00:01:18.400
You may have even been the one who chose to leave proactively.
00:01:18.719 --> 00:01:27.359
But underneath all of that, there's something else, something heavy, something that sits in your chest and makes everything feel harder than it should.
00:01:27.680 --> 00:01:34.079
And because the thing that you left wasn't all bad, you don't have language for what you're feeling.
00:01:34.400 --> 00:01:35.920
So you ignore it.
00:01:36.079 --> 00:01:36.879
You push it down.
00:01:36.959 --> 00:01:40.319
You tell yourself to focus on the future and that you should be grateful.
00:01:40.560 --> 00:01:43.760
You may even give yourself a lecture about moving on.
00:01:44.159 --> 00:01:47.760
But that unnamed feeling does have a name.
00:01:48.000 --> 00:01:49.120
It's grief.
00:01:49.359 --> 00:01:50.400
And it's real.
00:01:50.560 --> 00:01:53.920
And it doesn't care whether the thing you lost was good or bad.
00:01:54.079 --> 00:01:56.319
It just cares that it's gone.
00:01:56.640 --> 00:01:57.680
And I hear you.
00:01:57.840 --> 00:01:59.040
You're saying grief?
00:01:59.359 --> 00:02:00.719
It's not that big a deal.
00:02:00.879 --> 00:02:04.640
But see, grief doesn't always show up when something terrible happens.
00:02:04.879 --> 00:02:08.080
Grief shows up whenever you lose something that mattered.
00:02:08.240 --> 00:02:10.639
And that includes things that were complicated.
00:02:10.800 --> 00:02:15.759
Sometimes that includes things that weren't working anymore or things you chose to walk away from.
00:02:15.919 --> 00:02:22.719
Things you assumed would bring you relief or comfort, and maybe they did a little, but both of those things can be true at the same time.
00:02:22.960 --> 00:02:27.439
You can grieve something that you're also relieved to leave.
00:02:27.840 --> 00:02:32.639
There's a lot that actually gets lost in transition, and it's not always obvious.
00:02:32.879 --> 00:02:40.000
Yes, you lose the structure, you lose the identity, the title, the role, the rank, but you also lose smaller things.
00:02:40.159 --> 00:02:48.479
Things that don't sound significant when you say them out loud, but that shaped your days in ways that you don't realize until they're gone.
00:02:48.719 --> 00:03:00.719
You lose the routine, predictability, the sense of knowing exactly what your day was going to look like before it started, the camaraderie, the people who understood the job or the joke without you having to explain it.
00:03:00.879 --> 00:03:08.159
You lose shared language, inside jokes, the shorthand that only worked in that specific context.
00:03:08.400 --> 00:03:18.479
You lose the version of yourself that existed in that space, the confident version, the competent version, the version who knew exactly who they were and what they were doing.
00:03:18.719 --> 00:03:24.800
And none of those losses sound like the thing that you're supposed to grieve, but they absolutely matter.
00:03:24.960 --> 00:03:28.080
And when they're gone, you absolutely feel it.
00:03:28.319 --> 00:03:35.120
It gets confusing because, like most people leaving the military, there's a good chance you didn't love every part of it.
00:03:35.280 --> 00:03:41.199
Some parts were probably hard, some parts were broken, and others you were genuinely glad to leave behind.
00:03:41.439 --> 00:03:44.080
So when grief shows up, it feels wrong.
00:03:44.240 --> 00:03:46.240
You think, why am I sad about this?
00:03:46.400 --> 00:03:47.680
It wasn't even that good.
00:03:47.919 --> 00:03:51.120
I wanted to leave or I chose to leave.
00:03:51.360 --> 00:03:53.439
But grief doesn't work that way.
00:03:53.680 --> 00:03:57.360
You can be relieved that something is over and still miss parts of it.
00:03:57.520 --> 00:04:01.520
You can be excited about what's next and still mourn what came before.
00:04:01.759 --> 00:04:04.800
It isn't about whether the thing you lost was perfect.
00:04:04.960 --> 00:04:07.199
It's about the fact that it was yours.
00:04:07.759 --> 00:04:09.120
So why does this matter?
00:04:09.280 --> 00:04:12.240
Why can't you just push through it and focus on moving forward?
00:04:12.400 --> 00:04:15.680
Well, because unprocessed grief doesn't disappear.
00:04:15.919 --> 00:04:16.800
It waits.
00:04:16.959 --> 00:04:21.120
It sits underneath everything you're trying to build and it makes everything harder.
00:04:21.279 --> 00:04:32.319
It shows up as exhaustion you can't explain, or as irritability that doesn't match the situation, as a flatness that makes everything feel muted, even when things should feel good.
00:04:32.639 --> 00:04:37.519
And the longer you ignore it, the heavier it gets because your nervous system knows something was lost.
00:04:37.680 --> 00:04:44.879
And until you acknowledge it, until you give it a name and let it exist, your system stays stuck in the loss.
00:04:45.040 --> 00:04:51.120
It can't move forward because it's still holding on to something that you won't let yourself admit is gone.
00:04:51.759 --> 00:05:00.079
Many of the men and women I talk with have a hard time with this type of grief, and it boils down to the tendency to not want to dwell on things, right?
00:05:00.399 --> 00:05:06.720
In service, it can be hard to sit with things and process them because the timeline keeps moving with or without you.
00:05:06.879 --> 00:05:10.800
So dwelling on things becomes a luxury that you just don't have.
00:05:11.199 --> 00:05:14.560
So instead of dwelling on something, let's talk about naming.
00:05:14.720 --> 00:05:17.519
Because naming what you lost is not the same as dwelling on it.
00:05:17.600 --> 00:05:19.360
It's not wallowing, it's clarity.
00:05:19.600 --> 00:05:26.959
When you name what you lost, when you say it out loud, even just to yourself, you give your brain permission to stop holding it in suspension.
00:05:27.279 --> 00:05:28.879
You let the loss be real.
00:05:29.040 --> 00:05:31.759
And once it's real, you can actually process it.
00:05:31.920 --> 00:05:35.600
You can let it move through you instead of staying stuck inside you.
00:05:35.839 --> 00:05:37.519
Now here's one way to do it.
00:05:37.839 --> 00:05:38.800
Make a list.
00:05:39.199 --> 00:05:42.079
Not a mental list, an actual list.
00:05:42.639 --> 00:05:45.839
Sit down and write, what did I lose?
00:05:46.160 --> 00:05:54.480
Not the big obvious things, the specific things, the routine you had, the people you saw every day, the sense of purpose that came from knowing your role mattered.
00:05:54.639 --> 00:05:56.720
And as you write, you'll notice something.
00:05:56.879 --> 00:06:01.600
Some of the things on the list don't make a lot of logical sense.
00:06:01.839 --> 00:06:04.079
Some of them feel contradictory.
00:06:04.319 --> 00:06:10.079
You might write down that you lost the pressure, but you also realize that you lost the adrenaline that came with it.
00:06:10.319 --> 00:06:16.399
You might note that you lost the structure and realize that that was part of what made you feel safe.
00:06:16.800 --> 00:06:18.240
All of that is okay.
00:06:18.399 --> 00:06:19.680
Grief is messy.
00:06:19.759 --> 00:06:21.519
It doesn't have to be logical.
00:06:21.920 --> 00:06:23.199
But back to your list.
00:06:23.360 --> 00:06:26.560
Once you've named the thing, here's what you do.
00:06:27.120 --> 00:06:28.720
Let it be true.
00:06:29.040 --> 00:06:32.240
Don't argue with it or try to talk yourself out of it.
00:06:32.399 --> 00:06:34.800
Don't tell yourself you shouldn't feel that way.
00:06:35.040 --> 00:06:37.279
Just let it sit there as it is.
00:06:38.160 --> 00:06:39.279
I lost this.
00:06:39.439 --> 00:06:40.639
And it mattered.
00:06:41.120 --> 00:06:42.879
And I'm allowed to feel that.
00:06:44.079 --> 00:06:48.639
And then ask yourself, what do I need to do with this?
00:06:49.360 --> 00:06:52.160
The question isn't how do I get rid of it?
00:06:52.319 --> 00:06:55.439
It's just, what does this loss need for me?
00:06:56.160 --> 00:06:59.839
More often than not, grief just needs acknowledgement and time.
00:07:00.000 --> 00:07:02.560
Sometimes it needs you to talk to someone who gets it.
00:07:02.720 --> 00:07:05.920
Sometimes it might need you to stop pretending it doesn't exist.
00:07:06.399 --> 00:07:09.519
But your nervous system doesn't move on from loss by ignoring it.
00:07:09.680 --> 00:07:11.360
It moves on by processing it.
00:07:11.439 --> 00:07:20.000
And processing doesn't mean fixing, it means letting the loss be real, feeling what it brings up, and then when your system is ready, letting it settle.
00:07:20.240 --> 00:07:23.920
You can't force that timeline, but you can stop blocking it.
00:07:24.240 --> 00:07:26.319
Here's the thing you might be missing.
00:07:26.560 --> 00:07:29.199
Grief and forward movement aren't opposites.
00:07:29.519 --> 00:07:32.240
You can grieve and build at the same time.
00:07:32.480 --> 00:07:35.120
See, grief doesn't keep you from moving forward.
00:07:35.439 --> 00:07:37.120
Unprocessed grief does.
00:07:37.360 --> 00:07:41.680
But when you name the loss and let yourself feel it, you create space.
00:07:41.920 --> 00:07:48.720
And that actually lets you engage with what comes next without dragging the unresolved weight of what came before.
00:07:49.040 --> 00:07:54.720
So if you're in a transition right now and you're feeling heavy in ways you can't explain, here's the permission you might need.
00:07:54.959 --> 00:07:58.079
You're allowed to grieve something you chose to leave.
00:07:58.240 --> 00:08:01.120
You're allowed to miss parts of something that wasn't working.
00:08:01.360 --> 00:08:06.720
You're allowed to feel sad about losing a version of yourself that doesn't fit your life anymore.
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None of that means you made the wrong choice.
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It just means the choice had a cost.
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And costs are real, even when the choice was right.
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Transition is not just about what you're moving toward.
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It's also about what you're leaving behind.
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And until you name what you left, you can't fully step into what comes next.
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Because part of you is still back there holding on to something that you never gave yourself permission to let go of.
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You don't have to forget what you lost.
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You just have to stop pretending it wasn't real.
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Name it, feel it, and then let it go to make room for what's next.
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But if you don't, then what?
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At the Recon Network, we run free events year-round to meet you where you are.
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From our annual VET Summit to online workshops and even in-person local events, we provide real training, real conversations, and practical insights you can use the same day.
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With a goal to get you the tools you need to find direction and meaning now.
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So if you don't know what you want or where you want to go, no worries.
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There's no cost, no pressure.
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Just support when you need it.
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So find your next event at recon.bet and join us for something new.
