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Chemsex.
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Sexualized drug use among men who have sex with men, typically involving methamphetamine, methadrone, and GHB, among others.
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Chemsex misuse is a worldwide epidemic that needs attention, dialogue, and hope for those lost in it, which is the purpose of the Aftermath Podcast.
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Please note the views expressed by the host and guest on this podcast are not to be taken as medical advice, and the content around sex and drug use can be triggering.
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All right, welcome back to the Aftermath Podcast and the solo episode.
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Don't forget there is a supplemental study guide that goes along with this episode.
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The links in the show notes.
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Please remember to like, subscribe, and rate the podcast so we can get the algorithm to place it in the ears and eyes of those who need it.
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By the way, speaking of the study guide, so I added these solo pods in.
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And basically, um when I do the solo pod, the study guide is almost word for word what I say.
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I use it as a um, I don't know, something to go by.
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Oftentimes I'll record and then use the transcript as the study guide.
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That's not really a study guide, so I'm also going to add now, uh, starting with this podcast, a study guide at the end of what looks like a newsletter.
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So it's a lot of repetition.
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Look, you can listen to it, you can read it, you can read it while you listen to it.
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Um, whatever.
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Whatever works for you.
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Um I I like to give you the same information in several places, but there will be a study guide now, similar to the study guides that come out with the episodes that I have the guests on for now at the link.
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You can also get the study guides uh in your email as well by going to my website, recoveryalchemy.org, and subscribing.
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All right, now, let me tell you, in my earliest days of my recovery, after I had finally found a place for me and the kids to live, um, that's when my fear of relapse really hit in, kicked in.
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I was being drug tested several times a week by the drug court system, by the treatment center, and my probation officer.
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So using could not happen or daddy was going to jail.
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So there was something very triggering about settling into a home again, getting life back on track and having the kids around.
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Environmentally, it was like the same situation, same scenario when I used before.
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So I started to get bad cravings.
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So, you know, anybody else would think that this would be an effective deterrent.
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Oh, look, he has his family back, but it's not.
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However, my meth brain's reward loop, it was firing.
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Look, if firing with all the youth work recall whispers, it could.
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Ooh, now you have some opportunities to hook up.
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You have a house again.
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Ooh, now you can possibly use in your own room again.
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Ooh, I wonder what grinder grid looks like in this area.
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So I started to get really scared about having sex again, the possibility of relapse, what was next for me.
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And not to mention, I was just beginning to wake up with a heart on again, which meant to me that something was working down there now.
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Um, and it meant that I was going to start getting hard again when I got aroused because in early recovery, I could get an erection, but I had to watch porn to get that.
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So I had to put a plan in place to protect my kids and to protect myself.
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And I was not about to drag us back down the toilet.
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So, long story short, although this is long story longer, I invited a non-attached fuck buddy to live with me for a few months.
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He needed a place to live, and I needed safety as well as sexual healing.
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So, look, I was very traumatized by the previous years of chemsex.
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I was deathly afraid to have sex.
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Plus, at the time I was court ordered to attend 12-step meetings, and they were all telling me that I needed to wait a year.
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I didn't want to.
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And you know how I feel about those fucking arbitrary rules.
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But at the time I was naively following what they said.
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So I decided to use this guy who became a really good friend to practice with.
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He was also in meth recovery, so he understood exactly what I needed and how I felt.
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And for four months, he kept me off grinder, and I made major steps forward in rewiring my brain.
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So by the end, I was getting erections again, and I was well on my way to enjoying sober sex.
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So why am I telling you all this?
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Because today we're going to talk about the art and science of utilizing a fuck buddy for sexual reintegration post-chemsex.
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So, look, this is the work before that work, though.
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I want to put a disclaimer in here.
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Getting back into sex after chemsex is a very tricky terrain.
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It is like walking through a minefield.
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You never know what's going to set you off and set the reward loop off in your brain and cause a trigger.
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So starting your sexual healing journey with a fuck buddy may be too much too soon.
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So I'm not saying go out and do this.
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Many men have to start slow and they have to start alone.
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Many begin with a pornography detox.
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Chem porn, and honestly, most porn, is a direct line back to that old pairing in your brain.
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So cutting porn out may be a really good idea.
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Then devote as much time as you can to pleasuring yourself.
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Find ways to masturbate to sober scenarios.
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Real memories that you have that did not involve meth, hopefully you have some.
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Fantasies that you build intentionally.
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If you can't remember, fantasize.
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This is a fun time to explore your really deep erotic fantasies.
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And this is where you begin to explore just how sensitive you are to the idea of sex.
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Because your brain will start to wander, right?
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You notice when your mind drifts to chem sex memories.
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Notice when masturbation makes you want to look at chem porn.
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Notice when the cravings show up and what sets them off.
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This is work, guys.
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And you are gathering data.
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That's the whole point of this phase.
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This process is like a lab experiment where you are the subject, right?
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It is trial and error and it's very sensitive.
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Now, I'm going to give you a rule for how I'm not going to give you a rule, sorry.
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I am certainly not going to give you a rule for how long to wait to get back in the partnered sex post-chemsex.
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This whole field of sexual healing post-chemsex is unchartered territory.
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There are no policies, procedures.
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It is individual to each man.
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Some of you need a few weeks, some of you need a few years, period.
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And if you have a coach, a therapist, a counselor, a recovery team, sponsor who can walk you through this, great.
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Use them.
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If not, you're going to have to be careful day by day and be completely honest with yourself about what the data is telling you before you go looking for a fuck buddy, okay?
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There's a disclaimer.
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Now, why a fuck buddy, not a boyfriend?
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Here's the rule: you want somebody in a situation with little to no opportunity for romantic connection.
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And that sounds maybe backward.
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Shouldn't healing sex happen inside love?
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Not yet.
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And there is science behind that.
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So I've made my way through Jack Moran's book, The Erotic Mind.
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Really great book, by the way.
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It describes what he calls the love lust conflict.
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His research on peak erotic experiences found that safety, merging, and emotional weight that comes with romantic love can actually dampen your erotic desire rather than fuel it.
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Gets in the way.
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Romance brings expectations.
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It brings the need to perform, to impress, to be good enough.
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It brings the fear of losing that person.
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So Moran's point is that Eros thrives on a certain amount of separateness.
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And when the promise of love enters the room, oftentimes a lot of men will leave their bodies and go right into their heads.
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And being in your head is the exact problem we're trying to solve here.
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That's what I hear so much.
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As I'm in my head when I'm sober having sober sex, I'm too much in my head, right?
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You want to get out of the head, into the body.
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Your brain is relearning how to feel arousal without the myth.
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And it needs the lowest pressure environment possible.
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A romantic connection is a high pressure environment, no matter how loving the person is.
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So for this experiment, you want somebody you like, somebody you trust, and somebody you're not going to fall in love with.
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Okay.
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So you want to ask them, am I ready for this?
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Before you go looking for anybody, you have to ask yourself one big honest question.
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Am I ready to experiment with sober sex?
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And ready does not mean am I horny.
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Ready means, am I ready to be 100% radically honest?
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Am I ready to be transparent?
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Am I ready to be vulnerable?
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Because hear me.
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Those questions are where intimacy begins, not with the sex, with how willing you are to have deep conversations about your fear, about what you want, and to stand your ground about your boundaries.
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It means being brave enough to speak your truth without hesitating.
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That radical honesty, it means not being afraid of being too much or too needy or being a burden on somebody.
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This is your sex life at stake here.
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Do not be meek about it.
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You do not want to be sexually anorexic for the rest of your sober life.
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This is serious work.
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And for many, many men, it takes serious preparation, serious patience, serious time.
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So let go of the fear.
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It is time to release this fear of sex, the fear of desire, the fear of intimacy, the fear of your own libido.
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And you can do this.
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And you can use it, do it through calculated risks.
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Meaning, I am going to experiment with sex, and I'm also going to make sure I am inside a safe container when I do it.
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I am not going to try this on my own.
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So I want you to define the container.
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Who is in it?
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Who is not allowed in it?
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What is not allowed in it?
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Take charge of your sexual journey, your recovery, and your life.
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Create this container.
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So I also want you to involve your recovery team.
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Your sex life here is not a secret.
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Tell your recovery team what you're doing, your coach, your therapist, your sponsor, your accountability partner, whoever is on your roster, you can refer to the podcast I did on selecting your team.
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Everybody should be on alert and everybody should know the plan.
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Sex is the biggest trigger most of us have post-chemsex, so this is important.
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Walking into it alone is how relapses happen.
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But if you walk into it with a team supporting you and watching your back, healing happens.
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Yes, even with life after chemsex, when you're finished using the substance, oftentimes chaperones are still necessary.
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Sorry to tell you.
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All right.
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So let's talk about the if-then.
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So as a preparation for this, you want to develop an if-then plan and you want to share that with your fuck buddy.
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And you'll hesitate on your then if he doesn't know what's coming, if he's not aware of your if then, you'll hesitate or it may go completely wrong.
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You must communicate this.
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This is time to be completely honest with yourself.
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Are you thinking about chemsex more this week?
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Are you romanticizing the old sex?
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Is euphoric recall creeping in?
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Have you found yourself searching for meth-related porn on X?
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Do you have to think about chemsex related images to even come?
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Observe it.
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Don't be scared by it.
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Just create a safety net by developing this if then.
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So before you go into the sexual situation, if I've been craving, romanticizing, or searching in the in the 24 hours before we meet, then I cancel, then I cancel or postpone.
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There's no guilt in that.
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And there's also no explanation needed or required by you.
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He just needs to know if then.
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If he shows up high, if he mentions party, brings anything with him, then over that day and for good, right?
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Okay, so during the sexual experience.
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If I begin to think about meth during sex, then I stop and I use my exit.
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Talk about that in a second.
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If I find I have to think about meth to get hard or to come, then I stop.
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And here is my aftercare plan.
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If I go numb, check out, or start performing instead of feeling, then I stop.
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Okay, after.
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If the craving shows up later, then here is who I call.
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Here's my here's my set rules.
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If shame or the crash shows up with the dopamine dive, then here is who I call.
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Shame after sober sex is what's going to send you back to the app and to the substance.
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Now, you want to define that exit.
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Not I'll figure it out in the moment, but you have a safe word or a signal in what physically happens next.
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Right?
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This is your exit.
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Do I immediately cuddle?
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Do we stop and cuddle?
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Does one of us have to leave?
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Are the lights turned on?
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Do you take a cold shower?
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And you may make these decisions in the moment as well.
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You can have an if-then, but also you want to be flexible enough.
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You want to have a happy medium between planning what your exit is and being flexible.
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And as you get more in tune with your body, you'll be able to follow your intuition and you'll know what you need.
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But right now, having an if-then prescription set in stone is your best bet.
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You want to write it down.
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And you want to share all of this with your buddy.
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The more collaborative this is, the more this is a co-creation of your sexual healing.
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The more comfortable you're going to be, and the safer you're going to be, and the more successful this is going to be.
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Write your objectives and your sober sexual values down.
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Sit with a pen, right?
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Here's use some journal prompts.
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They may be like, these are the things I want to see in sober sex.
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Write that down.
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These are my sober sexual values.
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Write that down.
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This is something I have my clients work through within our sexual healing workbook.
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So I want you to zoom out on the sexual values.
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Zoom out.
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Be very specific with what you need.
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A list could be here here's a list of some values.
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Presence, eye contact, slowness, laughter, play, authenticity, connection, playfulness, presence, safety, adventure, freedom, passion, tenderness, power, vulnerability, joy, curiosity.
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So when you somebody asks you what you into, tell them tenderness, play, adventure, right?
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A little bit of a different answer than you normally would give.
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But you want to know what those values are, and you want to and that that other person needs to know what those are too.
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And that's going to give you a metric so you can really identify and evaluate whether this sober sexual situation was successful or not.
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Did it meet my values?
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So you read through these and then you see how your body responds.
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When you read like a list of those values, see how your body responds to those words, and then you choose the one that has the most interactive or the most visceral response.
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There's going to be ones that resonate more than others, right?
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So you want to discover your top values because they're going to help you better articulate, again, what you want, what you need, and how closely the situation with your fuck buddy met those needs.
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And you want to write your boundaries, but do not overload them, right?
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Because there's a trap here.
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You don't want to turn your boundaries into a list of expectations.
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And there's no pressure.
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You want to make sure there's no pressure to ejaculate, no pressure to get hard, no pressure to do anything.
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You want somebody who gives you the kind of space that gets you out of your head and into your body.
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So b again, I'm giving you guidelines, I'm giving you ideas, but don't get so much into it that it it takes you out of the experience either.
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You want a space also that means non-judgment from that person.
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From yourself too.
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That space means patience.
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That space means taking the time you need to do what you need to do to get your brain back on track.
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Whatever that is.
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That might mean after five minutes of being naked, you say your safe word and you take your exit, and that's it.
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That's the experience.
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It might mean the other person gives you no feedback at all in the beginning.
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Because one comment, even a kind comment, like I didn't like that, could get interpreted by your brain as shame, as rejection.
00:18:41.440 --> 00:18:44.480
Shame and rejection will put you right back in your head.
00:18:45.759 --> 00:18:49.119
Whatever it means for you, write it down.
00:18:49.440 --> 00:18:49.680
Okay?
00:18:50.640 --> 00:18:54.880
So pick your fetishes on the purpose.
00:18:55.680 --> 00:18:59.039
So what fetishes do you want to pursue in your sober life?
00:18:59.680 --> 00:19:01.440
Meth hijacked your kinks.
00:19:02.079 --> 00:19:03.519
It did not create all of them.
00:19:04.000 --> 00:19:08.000
So some of what you were into during active chem sex use is worth keeping.
00:19:08.880 --> 00:19:10.480
Some of it was the drug talking.
00:19:10.799 --> 00:19:18.400
And as a meth-free person, you get to decide what comes forward with you into your sober sex life.
00:19:18.720 --> 00:19:26.000
So you pick one or two things that you're curious about, add them to your objectives, and this is all part of the experiment.
00:19:26.640 --> 00:19:28.720
So then you want to build the scene.
00:19:30.000 --> 00:19:31.519
Go into your senses.
00:19:32.799 --> 00:19:33.759
The right sights.
00:19:33.920 --> 00:19:36.000
Like, do you want the colored lights in the background?
00:19:36.160 --> 00:19:37.200
The right sounds.
00:19:37.680 --> 00:19:40.319
What do you want in the what kind of music do you want?
00:19:41.200 --> 00:19:42.000
The right feels.
00:19:42.160 --> 00:19:43.200
What's the ambience?
00:19:43.599 --> 00:19:44.480
The right smells.
00:19:44.720 --> 00:19:45.759
You like body odor?
00:19:46.240 --> 00:19:46.720
Fine.
00:19:47.039 --> 00:19:48.640
But the right person.
00:19:49.839 --> 00:19:56.720
Your brain has years of pairing sex with a pipe, a dark room, a phone screen, and a stranger.
00:19:57.680 --> 00:19:58.000
Probably.
00:19:58.240 --> 00:20:01.119
But you're building a new appearance.
00:20:01.920 --> 00:20:12.880
Every single detail down to the kind of sheets you use, the temperature, every detail is a chance to tell your nervous system that this is different.
00:20:14.000 --> 00:20:15.440
And this is safe.
00:20:16.000 --> 00:20:17.920
And you want to interview this person.
00:20:18.480 --> 00:20:21.279
Yes, I'm talking about an actual interview.
00:20:21.519 --> 00:20:25.200
If they're not familiar with chemsex, make them familiar.
00:20:25.440 --> 00:20:30.559
They need a clear understanding of what you have been through and what your objectives are.
00:20:30.880 --> 00:20:35.039
You are looking for somebody who is willing to try at least.
00:20:35.359 --> 00:20:36.720
Somebody who is open.
00:20:36.880 --> 00:20:38.960
Someone who won't judge you for what you want.
00:20:39.039 --> 00:20:47.519
And more than that, somebody you can be completely unguarded and vulnerable with so that you can say something like, you know what?
00:20:47.759 --> 00:20:49.200
This is triggering for me.
00:20:49.359 --> 00:20:52.000
Can we stop and feel safe about it?
00:20:52.240 --> 00:20:57.680
And know that's going to be met with a healthy, healthy response.
00:20:57.920 --> 00:20:59.440
It's going to be okay.
00:20:59.759 --> 00:21:04.640
Make sure that this person understands the assignment.
00:21:05.119 --> 00:21:07.839
If they do not, they are not your guy.
00:21:08.000 --> 00:21:09.119
Keep looking.
00:21:10.319 --> 00:21:14.640
You want to use them in the nicest possible way.
00:21:14.799 --> 00:21:25.119
Look, this person is your practice partner, your experiment, your own personal sex toy, and they need to know that this is what is happening here.
00:21:25.359 --> 00:21:36.720
This is your chance to have the freedom to ask for whatever you want, to try whatever you want, and to not have to worry about the implications it might have on a relationship.
00:21:36.960 --> 00:21:39.599
There is no what does this mean about us?
00:21:39.839 --> 00:21:41.920
There is no next morning to manage.
00:21:42.079 --> 00:21:46.640
There is just you learning how your body works without myth.
00:21:46.880 --> 00:21:48.400
Now here's the other half of it.
00:21:48.559 --> 00:21:51.839
They might not want to try something and that is okay.
00:21:52.000 --> 00:22:00.000
You actually want that because you also want to get in the practice of being in a space where you do not get exactly what you want.
00:22:00.240 --> 00:22:05.119
And you want to pay attention to how you receive that information from that person.
00:22:05.359 --> 00:22:09.920
Because do you take it as information or do you take it through a filter of rejection?
00:22:10.240 --> 00:22:11.279
I'm not good enough.
00:22:11.440 --> 00:22:12.240
I'm rejected.
00:22:12.319 --> 00:22:12.960
They don't like me.
00:22:13.119 --> 00:22:14.079
Maybe I'm not attractive.
00:22:14.240 --> 00:22:15.279
Maybe I'm too much.
00:22:15.519 --> 00:22:17.680
If that's where your mind goes, good.
00:22:18.000 --> 00:22:30.559
Now you know this is something you get to look through and process before you get into a relationship, before you start dating, before you have connected sex with somebody you love, work through that shit.
00:22:30.960 --> 00:22:39.519
This is such a great opportunity to clear out that static, those limiting beliefs.
00:22:39.759 --> 00:22:42.640
This is shadow work that you get to use this person for.
00:22:42.799 --> 00:22:47.920
So you kind of do hope they do kind of say, that's not something I want to do.
00:22:49.039 --> 00:22:58.960
So with somebody where the stakes are so low, so when the stakes are high later, you're more conscious.
00:22:59.039 --> 00:22:59.359
Okay.
00:22:59.599 --> 00:23:02.240
One other thing is you might consider a sex worker.
00:23:02.480 --> 00:23:08.480
It's a little bit non-traditional, but it might be a good idea to incorporate a sex worker into your sexual reintegration.
00:23:08.640 --> 00:23:11.119
Obviously, you want one who's not going to use.
00:23:11.519 --> 00:23:16.160
If you are going to use rent men, make sure that PP is nowhere on their profile.
00:23:16.319 --> 00:23:20.240
Make sure you read everything, you ask direct questions, do your due diligence.
00:23:20.400 --> 00:23:24.000
There are sober sex workers out there.
00:23:24.319 --> 00:23:25.200
Trust me.
00:23:27.200 --> 00:23:32.079
But a sex worker can give you something that a fuck buddy might not.
00:23:32.400 --> 00:23:36.640
They will be and do whatever you the hell you want them to be and do.
00:23:37.039 --> 00:23:40.960
No negotiating around their needs, no wondering if they're asking for too much.
00:23:41.119 --> 00:23:42.240
If you're asking for too much, right?
00:23:42.799 --> 00:23:44.000
They're here to please.
00:23:44.160 --> 00:23:49.279
You set the scene, you set the pace, you set the boundaries, and they're going to hold those.
00:23:49.519 --> 00:23:52.880
It's good practice for having fun sober sex.
00:23:53.279 --> 00:23:57.920
That's how you begin to rebuild the pathways of pleasure.
00:23:58.240 --> 00:24:00.799
And somebody's going to say, I don't want to pay for sex.
00:24:00.880 --> 00:24:01.680
I hear you.
00:24:01.839 --> 00:24:03.519
But you're not paying for sex.
00:24:04.079 --> 00:24:06.400
Think about what you're actually paying for here.
00:24:06.640 --> 00:24:08.880
You're paying for a recovery tool.
00:24:09.200 --> 00:24:14.000
When you hire a sex worker to help you sexually heal, you are paying for an IOP.
00:24:14.480 --> 00:24:15.119
Period.
00:24:15.359 --> 00:24:16.240
Something to think about.
00:24:16.400 --> 00:24:21.039
All right, guys, I want you to have fun and let's go get that sexual healing.
00:24:21.279 --> 00:24:22.720
But I want you to go slow.
00:24:22.960 --> 00:24:26.880
Get a team, put on a lab coat, run the experience.
00:24:27.039 --> 00:24:30.799
Hey, maybe you can role-play a doctor-patient scene.
00:24:31.440 --> 00:24:36.240
So I'm also going to provide in the study guide a tool that I have created for my clients.
00:24:36.319 --> 00:24:38.640
It's called the Soberfuck Buddy Planning Sheet.
00:24:38.880 --> 00:24:41.920
The link will be in the study guide.
00:24:42.160 --> 00:24:44.559
Study guide link is in the show notes.
00:24:44.880 --> 00:24:46.319
I hope this helps today.
00:24:46.480 --> 00:24:49.039
It's kind of fast, but you might have to listen to it again.
00:24:49.119 --> 00:24:50.319
If you have any questions, let me know.
00:24:50.400 --> 00:24:54.880
You can join the conversation on Spotify, on YouTube, or send me a DM on social media.
00:24:55.039 --> 00:24:56.799
I'm everywhere at all times.
00:24:56.960 --> 00:24:58.480
Have a great week.
00:00:00.479 --> 00:00:01.360
Chemsex.
00:00:01.760 --> 00:00:09.119
Sexualized drug use among men who have sex with men, typically involving methamphetamine, methadrone, and GHB, among others.
00:00:09.359 --> 00:00:18.399
Chemsex misuse is a worldwide epidemic that needs attention, dialogue, and hope for those lost in it, which is the purpose of the Aftermath Podcast.
00:00:18.640 --> 00:00:28.239
Please note the views expressed by the host and guest on this podcast are not to be taken as medical advice, and the content around sex and drug use can be triggering.
00:00:29.120 --> 00:00:32.640
All right, welcome back to the Aftermath Podcast and the solo episode.
00:00:32.799 --> 00:00:35.840
Don't forget there is a supplemental study guide that goes along with this episode.
00:00:36.000 --> 00:00:37.359
The links in the show notes.
00:00:37.520 --> 00:00:43.920
Please remember to like, subscribe, and rate the podcast so we can get the algorithm to place it in the ears and eyes of those who need it.
00:00:44.240 --> 00:00:49.280
By the way, speaking of the study guide, so I added these solo pods in.
00:00:49.439 --> 00:00:55.679
And basically, um when I do the solo pod, the study guide is almost word for word what I say.
00:00:55.840 --> 00:00:59.600
I use it as a um, I don't know, something to go by.
00:00:59.920 --> 00:01:04.319
Oftentimes I'll record and then use the transcript as the study guide.
00:01:04.480 --> 00:01:14.640
That's not really a study guide, so I'm also going to add now, uh, starting with this podcast, a study guide at the end of what looks like a newsletter.
00:01:14.799 --> 00:01:16.560
So it's a lot of repetition.
00:01:16.719 --> 00:01:20.159
Look, you can listen to it, you can read it, you can read it while you listen to it.
00:01:20.400 --> 00:01:21.599
Um, whatever.
00:01:21.840 --> 00:01:23.120
Whatever works for you.
00:01:23.200 --> 00:01:37.840
Um I I like to give you the same information in several places, but there will be a study guide now, similar to the study guides that come out with the episodes that I have the guests on for now at the link.
00:01:38.000 --> 00:01:45.920
You can also get the study guides uh in your email as well by going to my website, recoveryalchemy.org, and subscribing.
00:01:46.159 --> 00:02:01.120
All right, now, let me tell you, in my earliest days of my recovery, after I had finally found a place for me and the kids to live, um, that's when my fear of relapse really hit in, kicked in.
00:02:01.359 --> 00:02:10.319
I was being drug tested several times a week by the drug court system, by the treatment center, and my probation officer.
00:02:10.639 --> 00:02:14.879
So using could not happen or daddy was going to jail.
00:02:15.039 --> 00:02:22.719
So there was something very triggering about settling into a home again, getting life back on track and having the kids around.
00:02:22.960 --> 00:02:28.560
Environmentally, it was like the same situation, same scenario when I used before.
00:02:28.639 --> 00:02:30.879
So I started to get bad cravings.
00:02:31.039 --> 00:02:35.759
So, you know, anybody else would think that this would be an effective deterrent.
00:02:35.840 --> 00:02:38.080
Oh, look, he has his family back, but it's not.
00:02:38.400 --> 00:02:42.560
However, my meth brain's reward loop, it was firing.
00:02:42.719 --> 00:02:46.719
Look, if firing with all the youth work recall whispers, it could.
00:02:46.960 --> 00:02:49.280
Ooh, now you have some opportunities to hook up.
00:02:49.439 --> 00:02:50.240
You have a house again.
00:02:50.400 --> 00:02:53.439
Ooh, now you can possibly use in your own room again.
00:02:53.599 --> 00:02:56.800
Ooh, I wonder what grinder grid looks like in this area.
00:02:57.039 --> 00:03:03.840
So I started to get really scared about having sex again, the possibility of relapse, what was next for me.
00:03:03.919 --> 00:03:13.280
And not to mention, I was just beginning to wake up with a heart on again, which meant to me that something was working down there now.
00:03:13.439 --> 00:03:23.680
Um, and it meant that I was going to start getting hard again when I got aroused because in early recovery, I could get an erection, but I had to watch porn to get that.
00:03:23.919 --> 00:03:28.639
So I had to put a plan in place to protect my kids and to protect myself.
00:03:28.800 --> 00:03:31.840
And I was not about to drag us back down the toilet.
00:03:32.080 --> 00:03:41.599
So, long story short, although this is long story longer, I invited a non-attached fuck buddy to live with me for a few months.
00:03:41.840 --> 00:03:46.719
He needed a place to live, and I needed safety as well as sexual healing.
00:03:46.879 --> 00:03:51.039
So, look, I was very traumatized by the previous years of chemsex.
00:03:51.280 --> 00:03:53.280
I was deathly afraid to have sex.
00:03:53.439 --> 00:04:00.639
Plus, at the time I was court ordered to attend 12-step meetings, and they were all telling me that I needed to wait a year.
00:04:00.879 --> 00:04:01.840
I didn't want to.
00:04:02.000 --> 00:04:05.360
And you know how I feel about those fucking arbitrary rules.
00:04:05.599 --> 00:04:08.639
But at the time I was naively following what they said.
00:04:08.960 --> 00:04:14.479
So I decided to use this guy who became a really good friend to practice with.
00:04:14.719 --> 00:04:19.839
He was also in meth recovery, so he understood exactly what I needed and how I felt.
00:04:20.000 --> 00:04:26.720
And for four months, he kept me off grinder, and I made major steps forward in rewiring my brain.
00:04:26.879 --> 00:04:32.800
So by the end, I was getting erections again, and I was well on my way to enjoying sober sex.
00:04:33.040 --> 00:04:34.399
So why am I telling you all this?
00:04:34.560 --> 00:04:42.720
Because today we're going to talk about the art and science of utilizing a fuck buddy for sexual reintegration post-chemsex.
00:04:43.120 --> 00:04:46.720
So, look, this is the work before that work, though.
00:04:46.959 --> 00:04:48.959
I want to put a disclaimer in here.
00:04:49.120 --> 00:04:53.600
Getting back into sex after chemsex is a very tricky terrain.
00:04:53.839 --> 00:04:56.240
It is like walking through a minefield.
00:04:56.399 --> 00:05:02.000
You never know what's going to set you off and set the reward loop off in your brain and cause a trigger.
00:05:02.079 --> 00:05:07.360
So starting your sexual healing journey with a fuck buddy may be too much too soon.
00:05:07.519 --> 00:05:09.439
So I'm not saying go out and do this.
00:05:09.759 --> 00:05:13.920
Many men have to start slow and they have to start alone.
00:05:14.560 --> 00:05:17.040
Many begin with a pornography detox.
00:05:17.600 --> 00:05:24.240
Chem porn, and honestly, most porn, is a direct line back to that old pairing in your brain.
00:05:24.399 --> 00:05:27.920
So cutting porn out may be a really good idea.
00:05:28.240 --> 00:05:32.720
Then devote as much time as you can to pleasuring yourself.
00:05:33.040 --> 00:05:36.480
Find ways to masturbate to sober scenarios.
00:05:36.879 --> 00:05:41.120
Real memories that you have that did not involve meth, hopefully you have some.
00:05:41.680 --> 00:05:44.000
Fantasies that you build intentionally.
00:05:44.079 --> 00:05:46.639
If you can't remember, fantasize.
00:05:46.800 --> 00:05:52.240
This is a fun time to explore your really deep erotic fantasies.
00:05:52.480 --> 00:05:57.120
And this is where you begin to explore just how sensitive you are to the idea of sex.
00:05:57.360 --> 00:05:59.839
Because your brain will start to wander, right?
00:06:00.079 --> 00:06:03.040
You notice when your mind drifts to chem sex memories.
00:06:03.199 --> 00:06:06.160
Notice when masturbation makes you want to look at chem porn.
00:06:06.319 --> 00:06:10.079
Notice when the cravings show up and what sets them off.
00:06:10.319 --> 00:06:12.639
This is work, guys.
00:06:12.879 --> 00:06:14.639
And you are gathering data.
00:06:14.800 --> 00:06:16.480
That's the whole point of this phase.
00:06:16.720 --> 00:06:21.120
This process is like a lab experiment where you are the subject, right?
00:06:21.279 --> 00:06:24.560
It is trial and error and it's very sensitive.
00:06:24.720 --> 00:06:28.560
Now, I'm going to give you a rule for how I'm not going to give you a rule, sorry.
00:06:28.800 --> 00:06:36.720
I am certainly not going to give you a rule for how long to wait to get back in the partnered sex post-chemsex.
00:06:38.319 --> 00:06:44.160
This whole field of sexual healing post-chemsex is unchartered territory.
00:06:44.319 --> 00:06:46.480
There are no policies, procedures.
00:06:46.720 --> 00:06:49.439
It is individual to each man.
00:06:49.920 --> 00:06:54.560
Some of you need a few weeks, some of you need a few years, period.
00:06:54.800 --> 00:07:01.839
And if you have a coach, a therapist, a counselor, a recovery team, sponsor who can walk you through this, great.
00:07:02.160 --> 00:07:02.959
Use them.
00:07:03.279 --> 00:07:14.959
If not, you're going to have to be careful day by day and be completely honest with yourself about what the data is telling you before you go looking for a fuck buddy, okay?
00:07:15.439 --> 00:07:16.560
There's a disclaimer.
00:07:16.639 --> 00:07:19.439
Now, why a fuck buddy, not a boyfriend?
00:07:19.600 --> 00:07:26.639
Here's the rule: you want somebody in a situation with little to no opportunity for romantic connection.
00:07:26.800 --> 00:07:28.639
And that sounds maybe backward.
00:07:28.800 --> 00:07:31.600
Shouldn't healing sex happen inside love?
00:07:31.839 --> 00:07:32.800
Not yet.
00:07:33.120 --> 00:07:34.879
And there is science behind that.
00:07:35.120 --> 00:07:39.040
So I've made my way through Jack Moran's book, The Erotic Mind.
00:07:39.279 --> 00:07:40.800
Really great book, by the way.
00:07:40.959 --> 00:07:44.879
It describes what he calls the love lust conflict.
00:07:45.199 --> 00:07:59.360
His research on peak erotic experiences found that safety, merging, and emotional weight that comes with romantic love can actually dampen your erotic desire rather than fuel it.
00:07:59.600 --> 00:08:00.480
Gets in the way.
00:08:00.720 --> 00:08:03.040
Romance brings expectations.
00:08:03.439 --> 00:08:08.399
It brings the need to perform, to impress, to be good enough.
00:08:08.639 --> 00:08:11.519
It brings the fear of losing that person.
00:08:11.680 --> 00:08:17.759
So Moran's point is that Eros thrives on a certain amount of separateness.
00:08:18.480 --> 00:08:26.720
And when the promise of love enters the room, oftentimes a lot of men will leave their bodies and go right into their heads.
00:08:26.879 --> 00:08:30.720
And being in your head is the exact problem we're trying to solve here.
00:08:30.879 --> 00:08:32.399
That's what I hear so much.
00:08:32.559 --> 00:08:36.639
As I'm in my head when I'm sober having sober sex, I'm too much in my head, right?
00:08:36.720 --> 00:08:39.279
You want to get out of the head, into the body.
00:08:39.519 --> 00:08:43.279
Your brain is relearning how to feel arousal without the myth.
00:08:43.519 --> 00:08:46.960
And it needs the lowest pressure environment possible.
00:08:47.200 --> 00:08:53.039
A romantic connection is a high pressure environment, no matter how loving the person is.
00:08:53.679 --> 00:08:59.679
So for this experiment, you want somebody you like, somebody you trust, and somebody you're not going to fall in love with.
00:08:59.919 --> 00:09:00.240
Okay.
00:09:00.559 --> 00:09:02.639
So you want to ask them, am I ready for this?
00:09:02.799 --> 00:09:07.200
Before you go looking for anybody, you have to ask yourself one big honest question.
00:09:07.519 --> 00:09:10.000
Am I ready to experiment with sober sex?
00:09:10.320 --> 00:09:12.879
And ready does not mean am I horny.
00:09:13.039 --> 00:09:18.879
Ready means, am I ready to be 100% radically honest?
00:09:19.360 --> 00:09:21.519
Am I ready to be transparent?
00:09:21.840 --> 00:09:23.759
Am I ready to be vulnerable?
00:09:23.919 --> 00:09:25.200
Because hear me.
00:09:26.159 --> 00:09:41.519
Those questions are where intimacy begins, not with the sex, with how willing you are to have deep conversations about your fear, about what you want, and to stand your ground about your boundaries.
00:09:41.840 --> 00:09:48.000
It means being brave enough to speak your truth without hesitating.
00:09:48.320 --> 00:09:57.120
That radical honesty, it means not being afraid of being too much or too needy or being a burden on somebody.
00:09:57.440 --> 00:10:02.240
This is your sex life at stake here.
00:10:02.639 --> 00:10:04.399
Do not be meek about it.
00:10:04.559 --> 00:10:09.279
You do not want to be sexually anorexic for the rest of your sober life.
00:10:09.600 --> 00:10:11.360
This is serious work.
00:10:11.840 --> 00:10:19.279
And for many, many men, it takes serious preparation, serious patience, serious time.
00:10:19.759 --> 00:10:21.600
So let go of the fear.
00:10:22.000 --> 00:10:29.120
It is time to release this fear of sex, the fear of desire, the fear of intimacy, the fear of your own libido.
00:10:29.600 --> 00:10:31.200
And you can do this.
00:10:31.440 --> 00:10:34.960
And you can use it, do it through calculated risks.
00:10:35.120 --> 00:10:44.720
Meaning, I am going to experiment with sex, and I'm also going to make sure I am inside a safe container when I do it.
00:10:44.960 --> 00:10:47.679
I am not going to try this on my own.
00:10:47.919 --> 00:10:51.039
So I want you to define the container.
00:10:51.279 --> 00:10:52.480
Who is in it?
00:10:52.799 --> 00:10:54.320
Who is not allowed in it?
00:10:54.639 --> 00:10:56.639
What is not allowed in it?
00:10:57.039 --> 00:11:02.559
Take charge of your sexual journey, your recovery, and your life.
00:11:02.720 --> 00:11:04.480
Create this container.
00:11:04.799 --> 00:11:07.679
So I also want you to involve your recovery team.
00:11:07.840 --> 00:11:10.399
Your sex life here is not a secret.
00:11:11.200 --> 00:11:22.000
Tell your recovery team what you're doing, your coach, your therapist, your sponsor, your accountability partner, whoever is on your roster, you can refer to the podcast I did on selecting your team.
00:11:22.240 --> 00:11:26.240
Everybody should be on alert and everybody should know the plan.
00:11:26.720 --> 00:11:31.519
Sex is the biggest trigger most of us have post-chemsex, so this is important.
00:11:31.759 --> 00:11:35.039
Walking into it alone is how relapses happen.
00:11:35.360 --> 00:11:41.759
But if you walk into it with a team supporting you and watching your back, healing happens.
00:11:42.240 --> 00:11:50.799
Yes, even with life after chemsex, when you're finished using the substance, oftentimes chaperones are still necessary.
00:11:50.960 --> 00:11:52.000
Sorry to tell you.
00:11:52.320 --> 00:11:52.960
All right.
00:11:53.519 --> 00:11:55.360
So let's talk about the if-then.
00:11:55.759 --> 00:12:03.360
So as a preparation for this, you want to develop an if-then plan and you want to share that with your fuck buddy.
00:12:03.600 --> 00:12:15.600
And you'll hesitate on your then if he doesn't know what's coming, if he's not aware of your if then, you'll hesitate or it may go completely wrong.
00:12:15.840 --> 00:12:17.360
You must communicate this.
00:12:17.600 --> 00:12:20.639
This is time to be completely honest with yourself.
00:12:20.960 --> 00:12:23.679
Are you thinking about chemsex more this week?
00:12:23.919 --> 00:12:26.159
Are you romanticizing the old sex?
00:12:26.480 --> 00:12:28.639
Is euphoric recall creeping in?
00:12:28.879 --> 00:12:32.080
Have you found yourself searching for meth-related porn on X?
00:12:32.399 --> 00:12:35.919
Do you have to think about chemsex related images to even come?
00:12:36.320 --> 00:12:37.440
Observe it.
00:12:38.080 --> 00:12:40.639
Don't be scared by it.
00:12:41.120 --> 00:12:44.879
Just create a safety net by developing this if then.
00:12:45.519 --> 00:12:59.200
So before you go into the sexual situation, if I've been craving, romanticizing, or searching in the in the 24 hours before we meet, then I cancel, then I cancel or postpone.
00:12:59.440 --> 00:13:01.120
There's no guilt in that.
00:13:01.279 --> 00:13:04.799
And there's also no explanation needed or required by you.
00:13:05.600 --> 00:13:08.000
He just needs to know if then.
00:13:08.399 --> 00:13:16.399
If he shows up high, if he mentions party, brings anything with him, then over that day and for good, right?
00:13:16.559 --> 00:13:18.720
Okay, so during the sexual experience.
00:13:18.879 --> 00:13:23.519
If I begin to think about meth during sex, then I stop and I use my exit.
00:13:23.840 --> 00:13:24.879
Talk about that in a second.
00:13:25.120 --> 00:13:31.039
If I find I have to think about meth to get hard or to come, then I stop.
00:13:31.679 --> 00:13:33.840
And here is my aftercare plan.
00:13:34.639 --> 00:13:40.240
If I go numb, check out, or start performing instead of feeling, then I stop.
00:13:40.799 --> 00:13:42.159
Okay, after.
00:13:43.039 --> 00:13:46.799
If the craving shows up later, then here is who I call.
00:13:47.039 --> 00:13:49.360
Here's my here's my set rules.
00:13:49.679 --> 00:13:55.679
If shame or the crash shows up with the dopamine dive, then here is who I call.
00:13:56.480 --> 00:14:02.639
Shame after sober sex is what's going to send you back to the app and to the substance.
00:14:02.879 --> 00:14:05.039
Now, you want to define that exit.
00:14:05.440 --> 00:14:14.320
Not I'll figure it out in the moment, but you have a safe word or a signal in what physically happens next.
00:14:14.799 --> 00:14:15.200
Right?
00:14:15.440 --> 00:14:16.399
This is your exit.
00:14:16.720 --> 00:14:18.720
Do I immediately cuddle?
00:14:19.039 --> 00:14:20.559
Do we stop and cuddle?
00:14:20.799 --> 00:14:22.879
Does one of us have to leave?
00:14:23.200 --> 00:14:24.960
Are the lights turned on?
00:14:25.279 --> 00:14:27.120
Do you take a cold shower?
00:14:27.919 --> 00:14:30.799
And you may make these decisions in the moment as well.
00:14:31.039 --> 00:14:34.159
You can have an if-then, but also you want to be flexible enough.
00:14:34.240 --> 00:14:40.000
You want to have a happy medium between planning what your exit is and being flexible.
00:14:40.320 --> 00:14:46.480
And as you get more in tune with your body, you'll be able to follow your intuition and you'll know what you need.
00:14:46.639 --> 00:14:53.360
But right now, having an if-then prescription set in stone is your best bet.
00:14:53.679 --> 00:14:55.200
You want to write it down.
00:14:55.360 --> 00:14:58.320
And you want to share all of this with your buddy.
00:14:58.559 --> 00:15:04.480
The more collaborative this is, the more this is a co-creation of your sexual healing.
00:15:04.720 --> 00:15:10.720
The more comfortable you're going to be, and the safer you're going to be, and the more successful this is going to be.
00:15:10.960 --> 00:15:14.879
Write your objectives and your sober sexual values down.
00:15:15.279 --> 00:15:16.960
Sit with a pen, right?
00:15:17.120 --> 00:15:18.799
Here's use some journal prompts.
00:15:18.879 --> 00:15:22.559
They may be like, these are the things I want to see in sober sex.
00:15:22.960 --> 00:15:23.840
Write that down.
00:15:24.399 --> 00:15:26.480
These are my sober sexual values.
00:15:26.720 --> 00:15:27.519
Write that down.
00:15:28.320 --> 00:15:32.960
This is something I have my clients work through within our sexual healing workbook.
00:15:34.000 --> 00:15:36.240
So I want you to zoom out on the sexual values.
00:15:36.399 --> 00:15:37.039
Zoom out.
00:15:37.279 --> 00:15:39.279
Be very specific with what you need.
00:15:40.240 --> 00:15:43.279
A list could be here here's a list of some values.
00:15:43.759 --> 00:16:07.519
Presence, eye contact, slowness, laughter, play, authenticity, connection, playfulness, presence, safety, adventure, freedom, passion, tenderness, power, vulnerability, joy, curiosity.
00:16:07.679 --> 00:16:14.080
So when you somebody asks you what you into, tell them tenderness, play, adventure, right?
00:16:14.320 --> 00:16:17.200
A little bit of a different answer than you normally would give.
00:16:17.360 --> 00:16:22.559
But you want to know what those values are, and you want to and that that other person needs to know what those are too.
00:16:22.879 --> 00:16:31.759
And that's going to give you a metric so you can really identify and evaluate whether this sober sexual situation was successful or not.
00:16:31.919 --> 00:16:33.519
Did it meet my values?
00:16:34.080 --> 00:16:37.759
So you read through these and then you see how your body responds.
00:16:37.919 --> 00:16:47.519
When you read like a list of those values, see how your body responds to those words, and then you choose the one that has the most interactive or the most visceral response.
00:16:48.799 --> 00:16:51.519
There's going to be ones that resonate more than others, right?
00:16:51.919 --> 00:17:08.000
So you want to discover your top values because they're going to help you better articulate, again, what you want, what you need, and how closely the situation with your fuck buddy met those needs.
00:17:08.400 --> 00:17:13.680
And you want to write your boundaries, but do not overload them, right?
00:17:15.039 --> 00:17:16.640
Because there's a trap here.
00:17:17.039 --> 00:17:20.640
You don't want to turn your boundaries into a list of expectations.
00:17:23.119 --> 00:17:24.559
And there's no pressure.
00:17:24.960 --> 00:17:32.160
You want to make sure there's no pressure to ejaculate, no pressure to get hard, no pressure to do anything.
00:17:32.880 --> 00:17:39.440
You want somebody who gives you the kind of space that gets you out of your head and into your body.
00:17:40.720 --> 00:17:52.079
So b again, I'm giving you guidelines, I'm giving you ideas, but don't get so much into it that it it takes you out of the experience either.
00:17:54.640 --> 00:17:59.200
You want a space also that means non-judgment from that person.
00:17:59.680 --> 00:18:00.559
From yourself too.
00:18:01.119 --> 00:18:03.039
That space means patience.
00:18:03.599 --> 00:18:12.400
That space means taking the time you need to do what you need to do to get your brain back on track.
00:18:13.119 --> 00:18:14.960
Whatever that is.
00:18:15.839 --> 00:18:23.519
That might mean after five minutes of being naked, you say your safe word and you take your exit, and that's it.
00:18:23.680 --> 00:18:24.720
That's the experience.
00:18:25.440 --> 00:18:30.720
It might mean the other person gives you no feedback at all in the beginning.
00:18:31.359 --> 00:18:40.960
Because one comment, even a kind comment, like I didn't like that, could get interpreted by your brain as shame, as rejection.
00:18:41.440 --> 00:18:44.480
Shame and rejection will put you right back in your head.
00:18:45.759 --> 00:18:49.119
Whatever it means for you, write it down.
00:18:49.440 --> 00:18:49.680
Okay?
00:18:50.640 --> 00:18:54.880
So pick your fetishes on the purpose.
00:18:55.680 --> 00:18:59.039
So what fetishes do you want to pursue in your sober life?
00:18:59.680 --> 00:19:01.440
Meth hijacked your kinks.
00:19:02.079 --> 00:19:03.519
It did not create all of them.
00:19:04.000 --> 00:19:08.000
So some of what you were into during active chem sex use is worth keeping.
00:19:08.880 --> 00:19:10.480
Some of it was the drug talking.
00:19:10.799 --> 00:19:18.400
And as a meth-free person, you get to decide what comes forward with you into your sober sex life.
00:19:18.720 --> 00:19:26.000
So you pick one or two things that you're curious about, add them to your objectives, and this is all part of the experiment.
00:19:26.640 --> 00:19:28.720
So then you want to build the scene.
00:19:30.000 --> 00:19:31.519
Go into your senses.
00:19:32.799 --> 00:19:33.759
The right sights.
00:19:33.920 --> 00:19:36.000
Like, do you want the colored lights in the background?
00:19:36.160 --> 00:19:37.200
The right sounds.
00:19:37.680 --> 00:19:40.319
What do you want in the what kind of music do you want?
00:19:41.200 --> 00:19:42.000
The right feels.
00:19:42.160 --> 00:19:43.200
What's the ambience?
00:19:43.599 --> 00:19:44.480
The right smells.
00:19:44.720 --> 00:19:45.759
You like body odor?
00:19:46.240 --> 00:19:46.720
Fine.
00:19:47.039 --> 00:19:48.640
But the right person.
00:19:49.839 --> 00:19:56.720
Your brain has years of pairing sex with a pipe, a dark room, a phone screen, and a stranger.
00:19:57.680 --> 00:19:58.000
Probably.
00:19:58.240 --> 00:20:01.119
But you're building a new appearance.
00:20:01.920 --> 00:20:12.880
Every single detail down to the kind of sheets you use, the temperature, every detail is a chance to tell your nervous system that this is different.
00:20:14.000 --> 00:20:15.440
And this is safe.
00:20:16.000 --> 00:20:17.920
And you want to interview this person.
00:20:18.480 --> 00:20:21.279
Yes, I'm talking about an actual interview.
00:20:21.519 --> 00:20:25.200
If they're not familiar with chemsex, make them familiar.
00:20:25.440 --> 00:20:30.559
They need a clear understanding of what you have been through and what your objectives are.
00:20:30.880 --> 00:20:35.039
You are looking for somebody who is willing to try at least.
00:20:35.359 --> 00:20:36.720
Somebody who is open.
00:20:36.880 --> 00:20:38.960
Someone who won't judge you for what you want.
00:20:39.039 --> 00:20:47.519
And more than that, somebody you can be completely unguarded and vulnerable with so that you can say something like, you know what?
00:20:47.759 --> 00:20:49.200
This is triggering for me.
00:20:49.359 --> 00:20:52.000
Can we stop and feel safe about it?
00:20:52.240 --> 00:20:57.680
And know that's going to be met with a healthy, healthy response.
00:20:57.920 --> 00:20:59.440
It's going to be okay.
00:20:59.759 --> 00:21:04.640
Make sure that this person understands the assignment.
00:21:05.119 --> 00:21:07.839
If they do not, they are not your guy.
00:21:08.000 --> 00:21:09.119
Keep looking.
00:21:10.319 --> 00:21:14.640
You want to use them in the nicest possible way.
00:21:14.799 --> 00:21:25.119
Look, this person is your practice partner, your experiment, your own personal sex toy, and they need to know that this is what is happening here.
00:21:25.359 --> 00:21:36.720
This is your chance to have the freedom to ask for whatever you want, to try whatever you want, and to not have to worry about the implications it might have on a relationship.
00:21:36.960 --> 00:21:39.599
There is no what does this mean about us?
00:21:39.839 --> 00:21:41.920
There is no next morning to manage.
00:21:42.079 --> 00:21:46.640
There is just you learning how your body works without myth.
00:21:46.880 --> 00:21:48.400
Now here's the other half of it.
00:21:48.559 --> 00:21:51.839
They might not want to try something and that is okay.
00:21:52.000 --> 00:22:00.000
You actually want that because you also want to get in the practice of being in a space where you do not get exactly what you want.
00:22:00.240 --> 00:22:05.119
And you want to pay attention to how you receive that information from that person.
00:22:05.359 --> 00:22:09.920
Because do you take it as information or do you take it through a filter of rejection?
00:22:10.240 --> 00:22:11.279
I'm not good enough.
00:22:11.440 --> 00:22:12.240
I'm rejected.
00:22:12.319 --> 00:22:12.960
They don't like me.
00:22:13.119 --> 00:22:14.079
Maybe I'm not attractive.
00:22:14.240 --> 00:22:15.279
Maybe I'm too much.
00:22:15.519 --> 00:22:17.680
If that's where your mind goes, good.
00:22:18.000 --> 00:22:30.559
Now you know this is something you get to look through and process before you get into a relationship, before you start dating, before you have connected sex with somebody you love, work through that shit.
00:22:30.960 --> 00:22:39.519
This is such a great opportunity to clear out that static, those limiting beliefs.
00:22:39.759 --> 00:22:42.640
This is shadow work that you get to use this person for.
00:22:42.799 --> 00:22:47.920
So you kind of do hope they do kind of say, that's not something I want to do.
00:22:49.039 --> 00:22:58.960
So with somebody where the stakes are so low, so when the stakes are high later, you're more conscious.
00:22:59.039 --> 00:22:59.359
Okay.
00:22:59.599 --> 00:23:02.240
One other thing is you might consider a sex worker.
00:23:02.480 --> 00:23:08.480
It's a little bit non-traditional, but it might be a good idea to incorporate a sex worker into your sexual reintegration.
00:23:08.640 --> 00:23:11.119
Obviously, you want one who's not going to use.
00:23:11.519 --> 00:23:16.160
If you are going to use rent men, make sure that PP is nowhere on their profile.
00:23:16.319 --> 00:23:20.240
Make sure you read everything, you ask direct questions, do your due diligence.
00:23:20.400 --> 00:23:24.000
There are sober sex workers out there.
00:23:24.319 --> 00:23:25.200
Trust me.
00:23:27.200 --> 00:23:32.079
But a sex worker can give you something that a fuck buddy might not.
00:23:32.400 --> 00:23:36.640
They will be and do whatever you the hell you want them to be and do.
00:23:37.039 --> 00:23:40.960
No negotiating around their needs, no wondering if they're asking for too much.
00:23:41.119 --> 00:23:42.240
If you're asking for too much, right?
00:23:42.799 --> 00:23:44.000
They're here to please.
00:23:44.160 --> 00:23:49.279
You set the scene, you set the pace, you set the boundaries, and they're going to hold those.
00:23:49.519 --> 00:23:52.880
It's good practice for having fun sober sex.
00:23:53.279 --> 00:23:57.920
That's how you begin to rebuild the pathways of pleasure.
00:23:58.240 --> 00:24:00.799
And somebody's going to say, I don't want to pay for sex.
00:24:00.880 --> 00:24:01.680
I hear you.
00:24:01.839 --> 00:24:03.519
But you're not paying for sex.
00:24:04.079 --> 00:24:06.400
Think about what you're actually paying for here.
00:24:06.640 --> 00:24:08.880
You're paying for a recovery tool.
00:24:09.200 --> 00:24:14.000
When you hire a sex worker to help you sexually heal, you are paying for an IOP.
00:24:14.480 --> 00:24:15.119
Period.
00:24:15.359 --> 00:24:16.240
Something to think about.
00:24:16.400 --> 00:24:21.039
All right, guys, I want you to have fun and let's go get that sexual healing.
00:24:21.279 --> 00:24:22.720
But I want you to go slow.
00:24:22.960 --> 00:24:26.880
Get a team, put on a lab coat, run the experience.
00:24:27.039 --> 00:24:30.799
Hey, maybe you can role-play a doctor-patient scene.
00:24:31.440 --> 00:24:36.240
So I'm also going to provide in the study guide a tool that I have created for my clients.
00:24:36.319 --> 00:24:38.640
It's called the Soberfuck Buddy Planning Sheet.
00:24:38.880 --> 00:24:41.920
The link will be in the study guide.
00:24:42.160 --> 00:24:44.559
Study guide link is in the show notes.
00:24:44.880 --> 00:24:46.319
I hope this helps today.
00:24:46.480 --> 00:24:49.039
It's kind of fast, but you might have to listen to it again.
00:24:49.119 --> 00:24:50.319
If you have any questions, let me know.
00:24:50.400 --> 00:24:54.880
You can join the conversation on Spotify, on YouTube, or send me a DM on social media.
00:24:55.039 --> 00:24:56.799
I'm everywhere at all times.
00:24:56.960 --> 00:24:58.480
Have a great week.
