WEBVTT
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Chemsex Sexualized drug use among men who have sex with men, typically involving methamphetamine, methadrone, and GHB, among others.
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Chemsex misuse is a worldwide epidemic that needs attention, dialogue, and hope for those lost in it, which is the purpose of the Aftermath Podcast.
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Please note the views expressed by the host and guest on this podcast are not to be taken as medical advice, and the content around sex and drug use can be triggering.
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All right, welcome back to the Aftermath Podcast and this solo episode.
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Don't forget that there is a supplemental study guide that goes along with this episode.
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The link is in the show notes.
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Please remember to like, subscribe, and rate the podcast, share it on your social media if you can.
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I don't really see a lot of that.
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So we can get the algorithm to place it in the ears and the eyes of those who need it most.
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All right.
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I hope you are enjoying this series on the five stages of grief as they relate to chemsex recovery.
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So we've walked through denial, um, we've walked through anger, and as you begin to move through these stages, you're going to feel a shift.
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So that filter that we talked about in denial has loosened, your rage has softened and quieted, and you are seeing more clearly than you were.
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So especially, especially while deep in the denial stage, you are pretty much blinded.
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Now you're kind of being enlightened.
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And now your mind, that same mind that built the denial in the first place, is going to make you one last offer.
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It's like a game show.
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You can have a chem sex free life here, or what's behind door number one?
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What's behind that door is called bargaining.
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This is the most dangerous stage in the grief of chemsex recovery.
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And it's not because it feels the worst, because it's not going to, it actually feels the most reasonable.
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That's what makes it dangerous.
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So bargaining is where most relapses live.
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Bargaining can get us stuck in a loop of trying to find solutions other than the ones in front of us.
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Bargaining, to me, is a measure of how well you lie to yourself.
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You manipulate yourself, right?
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You gaslight yourself.
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The conversation in your head during this stage can be a great reflection of what has kept you in chemsex misuse in the first place.
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This is the perfect time to observe and take notes of the conversation that happens up here.
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So let's take a deep dive into bargaining.
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Okay?
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What bargaining actually is, is part of the grief where your mind, finally accepting that something has to change, tries to negotiate the terms.
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So this is the ingrained pattern fighting for its life, right?
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This is the pattern of addiction saying, I need life, I need to stay, I need to stay here, I need to stay here, I'm going to do what I can to live.
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So you have moved through enough denial to admit there's a problem.
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You have moved through enough anger to feel the cost of what you're giving up, but you are not ready to let it all go.
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So your mind, in a final act of self-preservation, offers you a deal.
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Maybe you can keep some of it.
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Maybe not everything has to change.
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Maybe there's a version of you who can have one foot in the scene and one foot in your new life.
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Maybe the rules of consequence and chemistry do not apply to you the way they apply to other guys.
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Maybe you can be the exception.
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That is bargaining.
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So it is the search for a loophole.
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It is the attempt to keep some piece of chemsex identity while cherry-picking parts of your new identity.
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It is your mind, terrified of full surrender, trying to broker a peace treaty between the old life and the new one, and it's going to feel a little bit desperate, right?
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But listen, there cannot be a peace treaty here.
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That is the part you have not learned yet.
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The old life and the new life cannot coexist.
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They are mutually exclusive operating systems.
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You cannot run both at the same time.
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That's what causes buffering, right?
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Too much capacity, too much in the bandwidth.
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But your mind does not believe that yet.
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So it spends this stage running every possible scenario, looking for the exception.
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And during that search, you are exquisitely vulnerable to relapse.
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So, how did bargaining show up for me as we walk through these stages?
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I'm going to tell you.
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I was in the bargaining from pretty much day one, right?
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To be honest, I called my sister after my first use, and I told her I had used Myth.
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And I distinctly recall I was standing in the backyard, minimizing her concern, and I assured her, look, I can do this once in a while.
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It wasn't that bad.
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It was great, right?
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I bargained with Tina for the full three and a half years that I used full time.
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And after my first attempts at stopping, after I had moved through denial about the severity of my use, after I had raged at everyone and everything, I came up against this voice that would not be quiet.
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Right?
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The voice that said, you are different.
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You are white and privileged.
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You can handle this.
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Other guys cannot, but you can.
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You're an executive.
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You're a professor.
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You have learned enough.
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You have grown enough.
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You can use this the way it was meant to be used.
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Like I see other guys using it.
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I tried every variation.
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I tried using only once a month.
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I tried using only on vacation.
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I tried using only with one specific person.
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I tried using only on certain holidays.
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I tried using only with certain rules, right?
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No injection, yeah, right.
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No more than a certain amount, yeah, right.
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No more than a certain number of hours, yeah.
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I tried using only after I had been sober for a certain number of weeks, as if accumulated sobriety, you know, somehow earned me like a free pass.
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But none of that worked.
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Every single one of those bargains ended the same way, either immediately, in a session that blew through every rule I had set, or very slowly, in a creeping escalation that within weeks or months had me right back where I started, usually worse.
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Tina always wins the negotiation.
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Every single time.
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The bargain looks reasonable on paper, but it cannot survive contact with the substance itself.
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The moment the substance enters your body, the rules dissolve.
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The mind that made the bargain is no longer in the room.
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A different mind is.
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And that mind has only one rule, which is more, more, more.
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Look, I'm not saying this to shame myself or to scare you.
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I say this because I want you to understand that the bargaining stage is not a phase you pass through quickly if you are not paying attention.
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You can be walking in a uh autopilot mode this whole time.
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It's a phase that will quietly extend itself for as long as you let it.
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It will let you call it recovery.
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It will let you tell yourself you are doing work and underneath, it will keep negotiating behind the scenes.
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So here are the voices you might hear.
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Right?
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Like denial.
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Bargaining speaks in a vocabulary that sounds very reasonable.
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So I want you to listen for this.
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It sounds like if I just stay friends with these guys but do not use, I can keep the community.
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The community is really what I wanted.
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The chemicals, eh, that's incidental.
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It sounds like if I just see my dealer one more time to say goodbye, I really like him.
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He's a good guy.
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I want to give a closure to end things cleanly.
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I can keep my word and be done with it.
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It sounds like if I just go to one party sober to prove to myself I have control, then I know I'm free.
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Then I will not need to do this again.
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The proof is in the point, right?
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The proof is the point.
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It sounds like if I can use just on weekends, just on special occasions, just when I'm traveling, just when I'm with a certain person, just under certain conditions, then I can keep the parts I loved without paying the full price.
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It sounds like if I can be one of those guys who has it under control, who can take it or leave it, who uses recreationally without becoming the man I was, then I do not have to give it up.
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I don't have to give up, right?
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Because this felt so alive.
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This was my life, right?
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Remember, it's gonna be all these voices.
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And it sounds like if I just take a break, maybe for a month, six months, a year, and then come back, my body will have reset.
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I will be able to handle it then.
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Wrong.
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It also sounds like other guys cannot do it, but I'm different.
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I have done the work, I have grown, I have insight now that I did not have before.
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That insight will protect me.
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Every one of these sentences and everything like it is a trap.
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Every one of those sentences sounds like wisdom, it's actually still some denial.
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This is the part of bargaining that a lot of men will miss.
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They think bargaining is obvious, that they'll recognize it, that it sounds desperate or it sounds pathetic, but it does not.
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Bargaining sounds mature, it sounds measured, it sounds like a man who has done the work and earned the right to a more nuanced relationship with crystal meth, monkey dust, or methadrone.
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There is no nuanced relationship available here.
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That is the lie at the heart of every bargain.
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So let's look at this.
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Underneath all the specific bargains is a single underlying belief.
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The belief that you specifically can find a loophole.
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This belief is one of the most stubborn structures in the addicted mind.
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It outlasts denial, it outlasts anger, it will outlast bargaining too, unless you confront it directly.
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The belief says, I am different.
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The rules apply to other men, but I have an exception to my case.
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I have studied this, I have suffered enough, I have done the inner work, I have changed, the man who cannot use again, but I am no longer that man.
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I am somebody new.
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The new man can have a different relationship with the substance.
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This is the most seductive lie that your addicted mind will tell you.
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And the longer you stay chem sex-free without dealing with it directly, the more convincing it gets.
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Because here is the cruel paradox.
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The longer you are chem sex free, the more your body recovers, the more your life rebuilds, the more confidence you accumulate, the more your mind begins to believe that you have somehow earned the right to use again safely.
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You have not.
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Sobriety does not earn you a future relationship with the substance.
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Sobriety earned you a future, period.
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They're not the same thing.
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Every man who has tried to test the loophole has discovered that the loophole was never real.
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It was a story his mind was telling him because his mind could not bear the finality of complete release.
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The mind would rather imagine a flexible future than accept that closed door.
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But the door has to close.
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That is the whole work of this stage: closing the door on the negotiation, letting your mind grieve the loophole it cannot ever have.
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There is a specific form of bargaining that is the most dangerous of all because it disguises itself as healthy recovery behavior.
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Looks like this.
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You stay meth-free, you do not use, you go to your meetings or your sessions, or your coaching, you journal, you exercise, you look from the outside like a man doing all the right things.
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But underneath, you are still in the scene.
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You are still texting the guys.
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You are still on the apps having the conversations.
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You are still going to the same bars where you used to meet, used to meet guys for sessions, you are still hanging out with the dealer, even if it you say it's just to catch up.
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You are still in conversation in proximity in orbit.
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You have not actually left, even if it's mentally.
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You tell yourself you are practicing.
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You tell yourself you are learning to be in those spaces.
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You're testing yourself.
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You tell yourself you are demonstrating your strength.
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You tell yourself the people in your life still need you.
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You tell yourself it would be cruel to cut off my dealer and my friends.
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What you are actually doing is bargaining.
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You are trying to keep the world of chemsex intact, minus the chemical.
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You are trying to be the man who belonged to that scene without the cost of belonging.
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You are paying the social dues without taking the substance.
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But listen, that is not going to hold.
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The scene is the chemical.
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Your relationships is the chemical.
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The chemical is the scene.
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They are not separable.
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The men in your phone are not separable from what you did with the men in your phone.
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The places are not separable from what happened in those places.
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The rituals are not separable from the substance that created the rituals.
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If you are meth-free, but still inside the ecosystem, you are not in recovery.
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You are in the antechamber of relapse because you are bargaining.
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The hardest part of this stage is letting go of your community, letting go of the guys, letting go of the places, the apps, the rhythm, the rhythms, and most of all, the rituals.
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If you're somebody who does it in um has solo chemsex, if you go and isolate yourself, that ritual is very important to you.
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Because the chemical was easy compared to the world that it came with.
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The chemical was the surface.
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The community was the depth, the ritual was the depth, and grief, real grief, is going to ask you to release the depth of everything, not just the surface.
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So almost every relapse I have witnessed in my work as a coach lives here in the bargaining stage.
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The relapse does not come from a man who is still in denial.
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He's too numb to make a clear decision.
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The relapse does not come from a man who is still in anger.
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He's too volatile, but he is also too aware of what he's angry at, right?
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The relapse comes from the man who has accepted the problem, processed the rage, and is now quietly running scenarios in his mind that are subconscious.
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The man who is telling himself he has earned the right to test a theory.
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The man who is engineering a situation where the use will look accidental, situational, justifiable.
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He meets up with an old friend, right?
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He tells himself it's just to catch up.
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He goes to a place, he stays a little too long, the friend offers, he hesitates, he uses.
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Then he tells himself that this was not really a relapse.
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This was just a one-time thing.
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It's a slip.
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He's still in recovery.
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This does not change anything, right?
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That's what you're telling yourself.
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But it does change everything because you're still one foot in that world and one foot in the other.
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Because once the door has been reopened, even slightly, the bargaining has confirmed its own thesis.
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It grows in strength.
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The mind says, see, you can do this.
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It was not that bad.
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Look, we're okay.
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And then the next session is closer.
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And the session after that is closer still.
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And within weeks or months, the architecture you spent so long building has collapsed.
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This is why bargaining has to be confronted directly.
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Not waited out, not assumed to resolve itself, but confronted.
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You have to make a conscious decision in writing with witnesses that no exceptions exist.
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You are chemsex-free or you're chemsex free with caveats.
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The door has to close.
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You have to not audition for a flexible future with the substance.
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You have heard your mind's offer and now you're officially declining it.
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And until you do that, you're not going to move into the next stage.
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You are still here in bargaining.
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In stage three, the bargaining stage is where men tend to disappear.
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They go off track.
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So bargaining is the longest stage for a lot of you.
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It can stretch out for months or years if it's not confronted directly.
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It can hide inside what looks like successful recovery.
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It can lay dormant.
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It can survive intact even while you appear to be doing all the right things.
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Based on your ability to compartmentalize or even disassociate from your authentic self, this voice can whisper in the background for a very long time.
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The way out of bargaining is to not argue with your mind.
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Your mind will win that argument.
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Your mind has been running negotiations with you longer than you have been conscious of them.
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You cannot outthink the part of you that has built the bargains in the first place.
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The way out is to declare, not in your head, out loud to another person in writing with finality, inside your heart.
00:18:10.240 --> 00:18:12.319
Accept there is no loophole.
00:18:12.480 --> 00:18:13.680
There is no exception.
00:18:13.839 --> 00:18:17.440
There is no version of this where you get to keep any of it.
00:18:18.079 --> 00:18:20.559
Close the door.
00:18:21.759 --> 00:18:25.680
When you say that and you mean it, something in you will break.
00:18:25.839 --> 00:18:31.920
That breaking is the doorway into depression, which is where we're going next.
00:18:32.240 --> 00:18:42.079
Depression is the hardest stage to write about because it's the stage where the temptation to use is the strongest and the fewest tools seem to be working.
00:18:42.559 --> 00:18:45.200
It's that stage where you feel hopeless, helpless.
00:18:45.440 --> 00:18:48.160
But depression is also where the actual surrender happens.
00:18:49.599 --> 00:18:56.480
And surrender, total surrender, we're not there yet, is the threshold to your new life.
00:18:56.640 --> 00:19:04.640
So for now, look at the bargains, name them out loud, write them down, close the door.
00:19:04.880 --> 00:19:07.759
Like physically close the door as a ritual, if you want.
00:19:09.039 --> 00:19:10.079
Let it hurt inside.
00:19:10.400 --> 00:19:11.359
It's time to go.
00:19:12.400 --> 00:19:13.680
It's time to stop.
00:19:14.720 --> 00:19:15.759
You're doing the work.
00:19:16.400 --> 00:19:18.640
This work can feel brutal.
00:19:21.359 --> 00:19:25.839
The work is also the only thing that's going to set you free.
00:19:26.640 --> 00:19:28.160
Alright, I hope this helps.
00:19:28.640 --> 00:19:36.880
If you have any comments, suggestions, feedback, you can comment on Spotify, you can comment on YouTube, or you can DM me directly on any social media platform.
00:19:36.960 --> 00:19:38.240
I'm everywhere at all times.
00:19:38.400 --> 00:19:38.640
Alright.
00:19:39.039 --> 00:19:40.000
See you next week.
00:00:00.080 --> 00:00:08.560
Chemsex Sexualized drug use among men who have sex with men, typically involving methamphetamine, methadrone, and GHB, among others.
00:00:08.800 --> 00:00:17.839
Chemsex misuse is a worldwide epidemic that needs attention, dialogue, and hope for those lost in it, which is the purpose of the Aftermath Podcast.
00:00:18.000 --> 00:00:27.679
Please note the views expressed by the host and guest on this podcast are not to be taken as medical advice, and the content around sex and drug use can be triggering.
00:00:29.039 --> 00:00:33.119
All right, welcome back to the Aftermath Podcast and this solo episode.
00:00:33.280 --> 00:00:36.799
Don't forget that there is a supplemental study guide that goes along with this episode.
00:00:36.880 --> 00:00:38.320
The link is in the show notes.
00:00:38.399 --> 00:00:44.240
Please remember to like, subscribe, and rate the podcast, share it on your social media if you can.
00:00:44.320 --> 00:00:45.679
I don't really see a lot of that.
00:00:45.920 --> 00:00:51.520
So we can get the algorithm to place it in the ears and the eyes of those who need it most.
00:00:51.759 --> 00:00:52.240
All right.
00:00:52.399 --> 00:00:59.679
I hope you are enjoying this series on the five stages of grief as they relate to chemsex recovery.
00:00:59.840 --> 00:01:09.439
So we've walked through denial, um, we've walked through anger, and as you begin to move through these stages, you're going to feel a shift.
00:01:09.840 --> 00:01:21.519
So that filter that we talked about in denial has loosened, your rage has softened and quieted, and you are seeing more clearly than you were.
00:01:21.840 --> 00:01:28.480
So especially, especially while deep in the denial stage, you are pretty much blinded.
00:01:28.640 --> 00:01:31.120
Now you're kind of being enlightened.
00:01:31.359 --> 00:01:40.879
And now your mind, that same mind that built the denial in the first place, is going to make you one last offer.
00:01:41.599 --> 00:01:43.519
It's like a game show.
00:01:43.760 --> 00:01:48.719
You can have a chem sex free life here, or what's behind door number one?
00:01:49.519 --> 00:01:52.959
What's behind that door is called bargaining.
00:01:53.200 --> 00:02:00.239
This is the most dangerous stage in the grief of chemsex recovery.
00:02:00.400 --> 00:02:07.120
And it's not because it feels the worst, because it's not going to, it actually feels the most reasonable.
00:02:07.439 --> 00:02:09.360
That's what makes it dangerous.
00:02:09.520 --> 00:02:13.360
So bargaining is where most relapses live.
00:02:14.000 --> 00:02:20.639
Bargaining can get us stuck in a loop of trying to find solutions other than the ones in front of us.
00:02:21.439 --> 00:02:28.879
Bargaining, to me, is a measure of how well you lie to yourself.
00:02:29.280 --> 00:02:31.759
You manipulate yourself, right?
00:02:31.919 --> 00:02:33.840
You gaslight yourself.
00:02:34.159 --> 00:02:43.599
The conversation in your head during this stage can be a great reflection of what has kept you in chemsex misuse in the first place.
00:02:43.919 --> 00:02:50.159
This is the perfect time to observe and take notes of the conversation that happens up here.
00:02:50.400 --> 00:02:53.120
So let's take a deep dive into bargaining.
00:02:53.360 --> 00:02:53.680
Okay?
00:02:54.560 --> 00:03:05.280
What bargaining actually is, is part of the grief where your mind, finally accepting that something has to change, tries to negotiate the terms.
00:03:05.520 --> 00:03:10.080
So this is the ingrained pattern fighting for its life, right?
00:03:10.319 --> 00:03:18.639
This is the pattern of addiction saying, I need life, I need to stay, I need to stay here, I need to stay here, I'm going to do what I can to live.
00:03:18.800 --> 00:03:22.000
So you have moved through enough denial to admit there's a problem.
00:03:22.240 --> 00:03:28.400
You have moved through enough anger to feel the cost of what you're giving up, but you are not ready to let it all go.
00:03:28.560 --> 00:03:33.280
So your mind, in a final act of self-preservation, offers you a deal.
00:03:33.520 --> 00:03:35.120
Maybe you can keep some of it.
00:03:35.360 --> 00:03:37.520
Maybe not everything has to change.
00:03:37.680 --> 00:03:42.159
Maybe there's a version of you who can have one foot in the scene and one foot in your new life.
00:03:42.319 --> 00:03:48.319
Maybe the rules of consequence and chemistry do not apply to you the way they apply to other guys.
00:03:48.479 --> 00:03:50.479
Maybe you can be the exception.
00:03:50.879 --> 00:03:52.560
That is bargaining.
00:03:52.719 --> 00:03:55.439
So it is the search for a loophole.
00:03:55.680 --> 00:04:02.479
It is the attempt to keep some piece of chemsex identity while cherry-picking parts of your new identity.
00:04:02.719 --> 00:04:11.759
It is your mind, terrified of full surrender, trying to broker a peace treaty between the old life and the new one, and it's going to feel a little bit desperate, right?
00:04:12.000 --> 00:04:14.639
But listen, there cannot be a peace treaty here.
00:04:14.960 --> 00:04:17.279
That is the part you have not learned yet.
00:04:17.519 --> 00:04:21.040
The old life and the new life cannot coexist.
00:04:21.279 --> 00:04:24.560
They are mutually exclusive operating systems.
00:04:24.879 --> 00:04:27.519
You cannot run both at the same time.
00:04:28.319 --> 00:04:30.560
That's what causes buffering, right?
00:04:30.720 --> 00:04:33.600
Too much capacity, too much in the bandwidth.
00:04:33.759 --> 00:04:35.759
But your mind does not believe that yet.
00:04:36.000 --> 00:04:40.560
So it spends this stage running every possible scenario, looking for the exception.
00:04:40.639 --> 00:04:45.120
And during that search, you are exquisitely vulnerable to relapse.
00:04:45.279 --> 00:04:49.519
So, how did bargaining show up for me as we walk through these stages?
00:04:49.680 --> 00:04:51.120
I'm going to tell you.
00:04:51.680 --> 00:04:54.800
I was in the bargaining from pretty much day one, right?
00:04:54.879 --> 00:05:00.399
To be honest, I called my sister after my first use, and I told her I had used Myth.
00:05:00.560 --> 00:05:08.560
And I distinctly recall I was standing in the backyard, minimizing her concern, and I assured her, look, I can do this once in a while.
00:05:08.720 --> 00:05:09.439
It wasn't that bad.
00:05:09.519 --> 00:05:10.560
It was great, right?
00:05:10.800 --> 00:05:16.319
I bargained with Tina for the full three and a half years that I used full time.
00:05:16.480 --> 00:05:28.720
And after my first attempts at stopping, after I had moved through denial about the severity of my use, after I had raged at everyone and everything, I came up against this voice that would not be quiet.
00:05:29.040 --> 00:05:29.279
Right?
00:05:29.439 --> 00:05:31.920
The voice that said, you are different.
00:05:32.160 --> 00:05:33.920
You are white and privileged.
00:05:34.079 --> 00:05:35.360
You can handle this.
00:05:35.600 --> 00:05:37.439
Other guys cannot, but you can.
00:05:37.759 --> 00:05:38.639
You're an executive.
00:05:38.720 --> 00:05:39.600
You're a professor.
00:05:39.759 --> 00:05:41.199
You have learned enough.
00:05:41.439 --> 00:05:43.120
You have grown enough.
00:05:43.360 --> 00:05:46.160
You can use this the way it was meant to be used.
00:05:46.319 --> 00:05:48.000
Like I see other guys using it.
00:05:48.160 --> 00:05:49.759
I tried every variation.
00:05:49.920 --> 00:05:51.839
I tried using only once a month.
00:05:52.079 --> 00:05:53.920
I tried using only on vacation.
00:05:54.079 --> 00:05:56.480
I tried using only with one specific person.
00:05:56.560 --> 00:05:58.639
I tried using only on certain holidays.
00:05:58.800 --> 00:06:01.199
I tried using only with certain rules, right?
00:06:01.360 --> 00:06:02.879
No injection, yeah, right.
00:06:03.120 --> 00:06:05.439
No more than a certain amount, yeah, right.
00:06:05.759 --> 00:06:07.920
No more than a certain number of hours, yeah.
00:06:08.639 --> 00:06:18.720
I tried using only after I had been sober for a certain number of weeks, as if accumulated sobriety, you know, somehow earned me like a free pass.
00:06:18.879 --> 00:06:20.240
But none of that worked.
00:06:20.480 --> 00:06:36.560
Every single one of those bargains ended the same way, either immediately, in a session that blew through every rule I had set, or very slowly, in a creeping escalation that within weeks or months had me right back where I started, usually worse.
00:06:36.879 --> 00:06:39.519
Tina always wins the negotiation.
00:06:39.920 --> 00:06:41.519
Every single time.
00:06:42.240 --> 00:06:48.639
The bargain looks reasonable on paper, but it cannot survive contact with the substance itself.
00:06:48.879 --> 00:06:53.439
The moment the substance enters your body, the rules dissolve.
00:06:53.759 --> 00:06:57.519
The mind that made the bargain is no longer in the room.
00:06:57.759 --> 00:06:59.279
A different mind is.
00:07:00.160 --> 00:07:05.360
And that mind has only one rule, which is more, more, more.
00:07:06.240 --> 00:07:10.160
Look, I'm not saying this to shame myself or to scare you.
00:07:10.399 --> 00:07:18.319
I say this because I want you to understand that the bargaining stage is not a phase you pass through quickly if you are not paying attention.
00:07:18.560 --> 00:07:23.519
You can be walking in a uh autopilot mode this whole time.
00:07:23.600 --> 00:07:28.319
It's a phase that will quietly extend itself for as long as you let it.
00:07:28.480 --> 00:07:30.639
It will let you call it recovery.
00:07:30.879 --> 00:07:36.720
It will let you tell yourself you are doing work and underneath, it will keep negotiating behind the scenes.
00:07:36.800 --> 00:07:39.040
So here are the voices you might hear.
00:07:39.439 --> 00:07:40.079
Right?
00:07:41.040 --> 00:07:42.639
Like denial.
00:07:42.959 --> 00:07:47.439
Bargaining speaks in a vocabulary that sounds very reasonable.
00:07:47.600 --> 00:07:48.639
So I want you to listen for this.
00:07:48.800 --> 00:07:53.519
It sounds like if I just stay friends with these guys but do not use, I can keep the community.
00:07:53.680 --> 00:07:55.279
The community is really what I wanted.
00:07:55.439 --> 00:07:57.600
The chemicals, eh, that's incidental.
00:07:57.839 --> 00:08:02.240
It sounds like if I just see my dealer one more time to say goodbye, I really like him.
00:08:02.399 --> 00:08:03.120
He's a good guy.
00:08:03.199 --> 00:08:05.439
I want to give a closure to end things cleanly.
00:08:05.600 --> 00:08:07.759
I can keep my word and be done with it.
00:08:08.000 --> 00:08:14.480
It sounds like if I just go to one party sober to prove to myself I have control, then I know I'm free.
00:08:14.720 --> 00:08:16.959
Then I will not need to do this again.
00:08:17.040 --> 00:08:19.360
The proof is in the point, right?
00:08:19.600 --> 00:08:20.959
The proof is the point.
00:08:21.600 --> 00:08:34.639
It sounds like if I can use just on weekends, just on special occasions, just when I'm traveling, just when I'm with a certain person, just under certain conditions, then I can keep the parts I loved without paying the full price.
00:08:35.120 --> 00:08:47.759
It sounds like if I can be one of those guys who has it under control, who can take it or leave it, who uses recreationally without becoming the man I was, then I do not have to give it up.
00:08:47.919 --> 00:08:49.759
I don't have to give up, right?
00:08:50.080 --> 00:08:52.080
Because this felt so alive.
00:08:52.399 --> 00:08:54.159
This was my life, right?
00:08:54.559 --> 00:08:57.360
Remember, it's gonna be all these voices.
00:08:57.519 --> 00:09:06.000
And it sounds like if I just take a break, maybe for a month, six months, a year, and then come back, my body will have reset.
00:09:06.159 --> 00:09:07.600
I will be able to handle it then.
00:09:07.759 --> 00:09:08.240
Wrong.
00:09:08.480 --> 00:09:12.320
It also sounds like other guys cannot do it, but I'm different.
00:09:12.480 --> 00:09:16.559
I have done the work, I have grown, I have insight now that I did not have before.
00:09:16.720 --> 00:09:18.720
That insight will protect me.
00:09:19.039 --> 00:09:23.039
Every one of these sentences and everything like it is a trap.
00:09:23.279 --> 00:09:29.279
Every one of those sentences sounds like wisdom, it's actually still some denial.
00:09:29.440 --> 00:09:32.399
This is the part of bargaining that a lot of men will miss.
00:09:32.639 --> 00:09:42.399
They think bargaining is obvious, that they'll recognize it, that it sounds desperate or it sounds pathetic, but it does not.
00:09:42.720 --> 00:09:53.840
Bargaining sounds mature, it sounds measured, it sounds like a man who has done the work and earned the right to a more nuanced relationship with crystal meth, monkey dust, or methadrone.
00:09:54.000 --> 00:09:56.399
There is no nuanced relationship available here.
00:09:56.559 --> 00:09:59.360
That is the lie at the heart of every bargain.
00:09:59.679 --> 00:10:01.440
So let's look at this.
00:10:01.600 --> 00:10:06.480
Underneath all the specific bargains is a single underlying belief.
00:10:06.720 --> 00:10:10.960
The belief that you specifically can find a loophole.
00:10:11.279 --> 00:10:15.840
This belief is one of the most stubborn structures in the addicted mind.
00:10:16.000 --> 00:10:22.960
It outlasts denial, it outlasts anger, it will outlast bargaining too, unless you confront it directly.
00:10:23.120 --> 00:10:27.039
The belief says, I am different.
00:10:27.360 --> 00:10:32.080
The rules apply to other men, but I have an exception to my case.
00:10:32.240 --> 00:10:42.720
I have studied this, I have suffered enough, I have done the inner work, I have changed, the man who cannot use again, but I am no longer that man.
00:10:43.039 --> 00:10:44.639
I am somebody new.
00:10:44.879 --> 00:10:47.679
The new man can have a different relationship with the substance.
00:10:47.840 --> 00:10:51.200
This is the most seductive lie that your addicted mind will tell you.
00:10:51.279 --> 00:10:58.720
And the longer you stay chem sex-free without dealing with it directly, the more convincing it gets.
00:10:59.919 --> 00:11:02.480
Because here is the cruel paradox.
00:11:02.720 --> 00:11:16.080
The longer you are chem sex free, the more your body recovers, the more your life rebuilds, the more confidence you accumulate, the more your mind begins to believe that you have somehow earned the right to use again safely.
00:11:16.639 --> 00:11:17.600
You have not.
00:11:18.480 --> 00:11:22.879
Sobriety does not earn you a future relationship with the substance.
00:11:23.200 --> 00:11:25.919
Sobriety earned you a future, period.
00:11:26.240 --> 00:11:27.840
They're not the same thing.
00:11:28.159 --> 00:11:32.799
Every man who has tried to test the loophole has discovered that the loophole was never real.
00:11:33.039 --> 00:11:39.919
It was a story his mind was telling him because his mind could not bear the finality of complete release.
00:11:40.080 --> 00:11:45.039
The mind would rather imagine a flexible future than accept that closed door.
00:11:45.279 --> 00:11:48.080
But the door has to close.
00:11:48.480 --> 00:11:56.559
That is the whole work of this stage: closing the door on the negotiation, letting your mind grieve the loophole it cannot ever have.
00:11:56.960 --> 00:12:07.840
There is a specific form of bargaining that is the most dangerous of all because it disguises itself as healthy recovery behavior.
00:12:08.159 --> 00:12:09.279
Looks like this.
00:12:09.600 --> 00:12:21.120
You stay meth-free, you do not use, you go to your meetings or your sessions, or your coaching, you journal, you exercise, you look from the outside like a man doing all the right things.
00:12:21.360 --> 00:12:25.440
But underneath, you are still in the scene.
00:12:25.919 --> 00:12:28.320
You are still texting the guys.
00:12:28.480 --> 00:12:31.600
You are still on the apps having the conversations.
00:12:31.759 --> 00:12:40.480
You are still going to the same bars where you used to meet, used to meet guys for sessions, you are still hanging out with the dealer, even if it you say it's just to catch up.
00:12:40.639 --> 00:12:43.919
You are still in conversation in proximity in orbit.
00:12:44.159 --> 00:12:47.279
You have not actually left, even if it's mentally.
00:12:47.440 --> 00:12:49.360
You tell yourself you are practicing.
00:12:49.519 --> 00:12:51.759
You tell yourself you are learning to be in those spaces.
00:12:51.840 --> 00:12:52.799
You're testing yourself.
00:12:52.879 --> 00:12:54.960
You tell yourself you are demonstrating your strength.
00:12:55.120 --> 00:12:58.240
You tell yourself the people in your life still need you.
00:12:58.559 --> 00:13:03.279
You tell yourself it would be cruel to cut off my dealer and my friends.
00:13:04.000 --> 00:13:08.080
What you are actually doing is bargaining.
00:13:08.720 --> 00:13:13.519
You are trying to keep the world of chemsex intact, minus the chemical.
00:13:13.919 --> 00:13:19.519
You are trying to be the man who belonged to that scene without the cost of belonging.
00:13:19.840 --> 00:13:23.600
You are paying the social dues without taking the substance.
00:13:23.679 --> 00:13:26.080
But listen, that is not going to hold.
00:13:26.399 --> 00:13:28.639
The scene is the chemical.
00:13:28.879 --> 00:13:30.799
Your relationships is the chemical.
00:13:30.879 --> 00:13:32.080
The chemical is the scene.
00:13:32.240 --> 00:13:33.679
They are not separable.
00:13:34.399 --> 00:13:40.639
The men in your phone are not separable from what you did with the men in your phone.
00:13:40.879 --> 00:13:44.000
The places are not separable from what happened in those places.
00:13:44.159 --> 00:13:49.039
The rituals are not separable from the substance that created the rituals.
00:13:49.200 --> 00:13:54.799
If you are meth-free, but still inside the ecosystem, you are not in recovery.
00:13:55.039 --> 00:14:02.000
You are in the antechamber of relapse because you are bargaining.
00:14:03.039 --> 00:14:13.279
The hardest part of this stage is letting go of your community, letting go of the guys, letting go of the places, the apps, the rhythm, the rhythms, and most of all, the rituals.
00:14:13.759 --> 00:14:22.399
If you're somebody who does it in um has solo chemsex, if you go and isolate yourself, that ritual is very important to you.
00:14:23.759 --> 00:14:27.600
Because the chemical was easy compared to the world that it came with.
00:14:28.720 --> 00:14:30.480
The chemical was the surface.
00:14:30.799 --> 00:14:42.960
The community was the depth, the ritual was the depth, and grief, real grief, is going to ask you to release the depth of everything, not just the surface.
00:14:43.200 --> 00:14:49.600
So almost every relapse I have witnessed in my work as a coach lives here in the bargaining stage.
00:14:49.840 --> 00:14:53.440
The relapse does not come from a man who is still in denial.
00:14:53.600 --> 00:14:55.759
He's too numb to make a clear decision.
00:14:55.919 --> 00:14:58.720
The relapse does not come from a man who is still in anger.
00:14:58.960 --> 00:15:04.320
He's too volatile, but he is also too aware of what he's angry at, right?
00:15:04.799 --> 00:15:15.600
The relapse comes from the man who has accepted the problem, processed the rage, and is now quietly running scenarios in his mind that are subconscious.
00:15:16.080 --> 00:15:20.480
The man who is telling himself he has earned the right to test a theory.
00:15:20.720 --> 00:15:29.120
The man who is engineering a situation where the use will look accidental, situational, justifiable.
00:15:29.360 --> 00:15:31.519
He meets up with an old friend, right?
00:15:31.679 --> 00:15:33.759
He tells himself it's just to catch up.
00:15:34.000 --> 00:15:39.360
He goes to a place, he stays a little too long, the friend offers, he hesitates, he uses.
00:15:39.679 --> 00:15:42.000
Then he tells himself that this was not really a relapse.
00:15:42.080 --> 00:15:43.279
This was just a one-time thing.
00:15:43.360 --> 00:15:44.000
It's a slip.
00:15:44.159 --> 00:15:45.759
He's still in recovery.
00:15:46.399 --> 00:15:48.799
This does not change anything, right?
00:15:48.960 --> 00:15:50.240
That's what you're telling yourself.
00:15:50.399 --> 00:15:57.200
But it does change everything because you're still one foot in that world and one foot in the other.
00:15:57.279 --> 00:16:04.399
Because once the door has been reopened, even slightly, the bargaining has confirmed its own thesis.
00:16:04.559 --> 00:16:06.480
It grows in strength.
00:16:06.720 --> 00:16:09.039
The mind says, see, you can do this.
00:16:09.200 --> 00:16:10.240
It was not that bad.
00:16:10.399 --> 00:16:11.759
Look, we're okay.
00:16:12.320 --> 00:16:14.799
And then the next session is closer.
00:16:14.960 --> 00:16:17.519
And the session after that is closer still.
00:16:17.600 --> 00:16:24.879
And within weeks or months, the architecture you spent so long building has collapsed.
00:16:25.120 --> 00:16:28.799
This is why bargaining has to be confronted directly.
00:16:29.039 --> 00:16:33.120
Not waited out, not assumed to resolve itself, but confronted.
00:16:33.600 --> 00:16:40.559
You have to make a conscious decision in writing with witnesses that no exceptions exist.
00:16:40.720 --> 00:16:44.320
You are chemsex-free or you're chemsex free with caveats.
00:16:45.279 --> 00:16:46.879
The door has to close.
00:16:48.320 --> 00:16:52.879
You have to not audition for a flexible future with the substance.
00:16:54.000 --> 00:17:00.240
You have heard your mind's offer and now you're officially declining it.
00:17:00.399 --> 00:17:03.840
And until you do that, you're not going to move into the next stage.
00:17:04.480 --> 00:17:07.200
You are still here in bargaining.
00:17:07.839 --> 00:17:13.440
In stage three, the bargaining stage is where men tend to disappear.
00:17:14.559 --> 00:17:15.599
They go off track.
00:17:18.960 --> 00:17:23.039
So bargaining is the longest stage for a lot of you.
00:17:23.359 --> 00:17:27.519
It can stretch out for months or years if it's not confronted directly.
00:17:28.000 --> 00:17:31.599
It can hide inside what looks like successful recovery.
00:17:32.000 --> 00:17:33.200
It can lay dormant.
00:17:33.359 --> 00:17:37.519
It can survive intact even while you appear to be doing all the right things.
00:17:38.079 --> 00:17:47.599
Based on your ability to compartmentalize or even disassociate from your authentic self, this voice can whisper in the background for a very long time.
00:17:47.839 --> 00:17:51.039
The way out of bargaining is to not argue with your mind.
00:17:51.279 --> 00:17:52.799
Your mind will win that argument.
00:17:52.960 --> 00:17:57.119
Your mind has been running negotiations with you longer than you have been conscious of them.
00:17:57.279 --> 00:18:00.960
You cannot outthink the part of you that has built the bargains in the first place.
00:18:01.119 --> 00:18:09.119
The way out is to declare, not in your head, out loud to another person in writing with finality, inside your heart.
00:18:10.240 --> 00:18:12.319
Accept there is no loophole.
00:18:12.480 --> 00:18:13.680
There is no exception.
00:18:13.839 --> 00:18:17.440
There is no version of this where you get to keep any of it.
00:18:18.079 --> 00:18:20.559
Close the door.
00:18:21.759 --> 00:18:25.680
When you say that and you mean it, something in you will break.
00:18:25.839 --> 00:18:31.920
That breaking is the doorway into depression, which is where we're going next.
00:18:32.240 --> 00:18:42.079
Depression is the hardest stage to write about because it's the stage where the temptation to use is the strongest and the fewest tools seem to be working.
00:18:42.559 --> 00:18:45.200
It's that stage where you feel hopeless, helpless.
00:18:45.440 --> 00:18:48.160
But depression is also where the actual surrender happens.
00:18:49.599 --> 00:18:56.480
And surrender, total surrender, we're not there yet, is the threshold to your new life.
00:18:56.640 --> 00:19:04.640
So for now, look at the bargains, name them out loud, write them down, close the door.
00:19:04.880 --> 00:19:07.759
Like physically close the door as a ritual, if you want.
00:19:09.039 --> 00:19:10.079
Let it hurt inside.
00:19:10.400 --> 00:19:11.359
It's time to go.
00:19:12.400 --> 00:19:13.680
It's time to stop.
00:19:14.720 --> 00:19:15.759
You're doing the work.
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This work can feel brutal.
00:19:21.359 --> 00:19:25.839
The work is also the only thing that's going to set you free.
00:19:26.640 --> 00:19:28.160
Alright, I hope this helps.
00:19:28.640 --> 00:19:36.880
If you have any comments, suggestions, feedback, you can comment on Spotify, you can comment on YouTube, or you can DM me directly on any social media platform.
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I'm everywhere at all times.
00:19:38.400 --> 00:19:38.640
Alright.
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See you next week.
