WEBVTT
00:00:00.160 --> 00:00:02.479
As you go through life, there are many chapters.
00:00:02.640 --> 00:00:11.359
And while our human brains like being able to define the beginnings and ends of those chapters, the reality is that many still end-sentence.
00:00:11.519 --> 00:00:15.359
There's no explanation, no apology, and no final conversation.
00:00:15.519 --> 00:00:19.839
And a lot of the time it leaves you waiting for an ending that isn't coming.
00:00:20.079 --> 00:00:26.640
Hi, this is Jordiana, the CEO of the Recon Network and host of the In Brief podcast, and today we're talking about closure.
00:00:26.879 --> 00:00:32.880
Specifically, the belief that every chapter needs a satisfying ending before you're allowed to move forward.
00:00:33.039 --> 00:00:36.399
It's a comforting idea, but not necessarily a realistic one.
00:00:36.479 --> 00:00:39.600
And worse, it's also holding a lot of people in place.
00:00:39.759 --> 00:00:47.520
So today we're looking at what closure actually is, why life so rarely provides it, and what moving forward looks like without it.
00:00:48.880 --> 00:00:50.000
This is in brief.
00:00:50.159 --> 00:00:51.439
Let's get to it.
00:01:05.519 --> 00:01:12.000
But the reality is that we tend to look at a different part of the definition, the sense of resolution or conclusion.
00:01:12.239 --> 00:01:28.560
Closure is the ending that makes sense, the conversation that explains why the relationship ended, the acknowledgement that what happened to you was wrong, the apology, the answer, the moment where the loose thread gets tied and the chapter earns its final page.
00:01:28.799 --> 00:01:34.000
Whatever it is in the situation you're navigating, the desire for closure isn't about the resolution.
00:01:34.159 --> 00:01:37.840
It's about being able to move forward with that part behind you.
00:01:38.159 --> 00:01:40.319
That desire is completely understandable.
00:01:40.560 --> 00:01:44.640
Our minds are built for stories, and unfinished stories make our brains itch.
00:01:44.799 --> 00:01:52.239
Psychologists have a name for it, open loops, and they are the human equivalent of keeping tabs on your computer open instead of Xing them out.
00:01:52.480 --> 00:02:01.040
These open loops hold our attention in a way that finished ones don't, allowing the mind to keep returning to the unresolved thing and replaying it, looking for the ending.
00:02:01.280 --> 00:02:10.479
That means that even though the situation has passed, it continues holding space in our mental files simply because we didn't have the resolution that we expected or desired.
00:02:10.719 --> 00:02:13.280
Of course, from ten yards away, the answer is simple.
00:02:13.520 --> 00:02:15.439
Close it out, consider it done.
00:02:15.680 --> 00:02:19.280
But the problem with that is that your life doesn't often cooperate.
00:02:19.439 --> 00:02:20.960
People leave without explaining.
00:02:21.120 --> 00:02:30.159
Institutions don't apologize for how they wronged you, and the person who owes you, or worse, maybe you owe them, may be unwilling, unreachable, or gone.
00:02:30.560 --> 00:02:33.520
Worse, some questions genuinely have no answer.
00:02:33.599 --> 00:02:36.800
And it's not that it's a hidden one, it's that there's no answer to be given.
00:02:37.039 --> 00:02:42.879
So our minds plan life ahead, built on the promise of, I'll move forward once I get closure.
00:02:43.039 --> 00:02:49.120
But that means that your plan for personal progress and growth may be a plan whose critical step is assigned to someone else.
00:02:49.280 --> 00:02:54.479
And sometimes that someone else is never going to do the thing that you need or want them to do.
00:02:54.800 --> 00:03:02.240
See, waiting for closure hands the keys to your forward movement to the person or circumstance least likely to turn them.
00:03:02.479 --> 00:03:08.400
Your healing gets scheduled around someone else's willingness to explain themselves or pursue resolution themselves.
00:03:08.639 --> 00:03:15.199
And meanwhile, the chapter that you can't close is quietly deciding how much of your present you get to use.
00:03:15.439 --> 00:03:24.080
The tabs that you have are slowly stealing the memory and power off your human hard drive, and it's only a matter of time before you start getting error messages.
00:03:24.319 --> 00:03:27.840
Now, I don't want this topic to come across as cut and dry.
00:03:28.080 --> 00:03:34.240
The reality is that many times waiting for closure isn't us delaying the future or needing someone else to bend the knee.
00:03:34.400 --> 00:03:37.439
Sometimes waiting for closure is simply a way of holding on.
00:03:37.599 --> 00:03:40.560
As long as the tab stays open, the connection stays open.
00:03:40.719 --> 00:03:45.840
Needing an answer keeps the person or the situation or the old life in the room.
00:03:46.080 --> 00:03:50.159
That means that sometimes the need for closure isn't about answering a question.
00:03:50.400 --> 00:03:54.159
Sometimes it's a tether to something that we aren't ready to let go of.
00:03:55.120 --> 00:04:03.599
So we know we can't go through life with 597 tabs open, but waiting for closure isn't a viable option for forward movement either.
00:04:03.759 --> 00:04:05.039
So what do we do?
00:04:05.280 --> 00:04:08.560
Well, one thing that we can give it is a different definition.
00:04:09.199 --> 00:04:15.199
The version of closure that gets sold to us is something that you receive from someone else, an explanation.
00:04:15.360 --> 00:04:19.519
It works out great in rom-com movies, but it's not something you can rely on.
00:04:19.920 --> 00:04:24.399
So you need to flip to another version, one that's actually closer to a decision.
00:04:24.720 --> 00:04:29.680
It's choosing to stop requiring the ending as a condition for your own movement.
00:04:29.920 --> 00:04:35.199
Now I want you to notice that's very different from just pretending the resolution doesn't matter to you.
00:04:35.439 --> 00:04:37.199
This isn't a message to get over it.
00:04:37.360 --> 00:04:43.439
The loss is real, the question is legitimate, the ending you deserve is likely better than the one you will get.
00:04:43.680 --> 00:04:45.199
All of that still stands.
00:04:45.439 --> 00:04:48.800
But the decision to move on is narrower than people think.
00:04:48.959 --> 00:04:50.639
It's not that this didn't hurt.
00:04:50.800 --> 00:04:54.480
It's that this can remain unresolved and I can still move forward.
00:04:54.800 --> 00:04:57.519
Both halves of that sentence get to be true.
00:04:58.399 --> 00:05:05.040
But if you're in a place where closure is needed and not likely going to fall in your lap, there's one thing worth trying this week.
00:05:05.279 --> 00:05:07.600
Name the ending that you've been waiting for.
00:05:07.839 --> 00:05:08.959
Say it precisely.
00:05:09.199 --> 00:05:12.240
Whose words, what acknowledgement, and what answer?
00:05:12.560 --> 00:05:16.959
Define it as if it were the ideal response that you've been waiting for.
00:05:17.439 --> 00:05:20.240
Then ask one honest question about it.
00:05:20.639 --> 00:05:22.800
Is this ever actually coming?
00:05:23.120 --> 00:05:26.959
If the answer is no or almost certainly no, you've learned something important.
00:05:27.199 --> 00:05:29.759
The thing that you've been waiting on isn't ahead of you.
00:05:29.920 --> 00:05:30.959
It's behind you.
00:05:31.120 --> 00:05:35.279
And you're still allowed to move forward whether or not it ever catches up.
00:05:39.759 --> 00:05:44.160
Most transition programs assume you already know what you want.
00:05:44.319 --> 00:05:46.319
But if you don't, then what?
00:05:46.720 --> 00:05:52.079
At the Recon Network, we run free events year-round to meet you where you are.
00:05:52.240 --> 00:06:04.319
From our annual VET Summit to online workshops and even in-person local events, we provide real training, real conversations, and practical insights you can use the same day.
00:06:04.480 --> 00:06:09.360
With a goal to get you the tools you need to find direction and meaning now.
00:06:10.000 --> 00:06:14.000
So if you don't know what you want or where you want to go, no worries.
00:06:14.160 --> 00:06:16.319
There's no cost, no pressure.
00:06:16.480 --> 00:06:18.720
Just support when you need it.
00:06:18.959 --> 00:06:24.720
So find your next event at recon.bet and join us for something new.
00:00:00.160 --> 00:00:02.479
As you go through life, there are many chapters.
00:00:02.640 --> 00:00:11.359
And while our human brains like being able to define the beginnings and ends of those chapters, the reality is that many still end-sentence.
00:00:11.519 --> 00:00:15.359
There's no explanation, no apology, and no final conversation.
00:00:15.519 --> 00:00:19.839
And a lot of the time it leaves you waiting for an ending that isn't coming.
00:00:20.079 --> 00:00:26.640
Hi, this is Jordiana, the CEO of the Recon Network and host of the In Brief podcast, and today we're talking about closure.
00:00:26.879 --> 00:00:32.880
Specifically, the belief that every chapter needs a satisfying ending before you're allowed to move forward.
00:00:33.039 --> 00:00:36.399
It's a comforting idea, but not necessarily a realistic one.
00:00:36.479 --> 00:00:39.600
And worse, it's also holding a lot of people in place.
00:00:39.759 --> 00:00:47.520
So today we're looking at what closure actually is, why life so rarely provides it, and what moving forward looks like without it.
00:00:48.880 --> 00:00:50.000
This is in brief.
00:00:50.159 --> 00:00:51.439
Let's get to it.
00:01:05.519 --> 00:01:12.000
But the reality is that we tend to look at a different part of the definition, the sense of resolution or conclusion.
00:01:12.239 --> 00:01:28.560
Closure is the ending that makes sense, the conversation that explains why the relationship ended, the acknowledgement that what happened to you was wrong, the apology, the answer, the moment where the loose thread gets tied and the chapter earns its final page.
00:01:28.799 --> 00:01:34.000
Whatever it is in the situation you're navigating, the desire for closure isn't about the resolution.
00:01:34.159 --> 00:01:37.840
It's about being able to move forward with that part behind you.
00:01:38.159 --> 00:01:40.319
That desire is completely understandable.
00:01:40.560 --> 00:01:44.640
Our minds are built for stories, and unfinished stories make our brains itch.
00:01:44.799 --> 00:01:52.239
Psychologists have a name for it, open loops, and they are the human equivalent of keeping tabs on your computer open instead of Xing them out.
00:01:52.480 --> 00:02:01.040
These open loops hold our attention in a way that finished ones don't, allowing the mind to keep returning to the unresolved thing and replaying it, looking for the ending.
00:02:01.280 --> 00:02:10.479
That means that even though the situation has passed, it continues holding space in our mental files simply because we didn't have the resolution that we expected or desired.
00:02:10.719 --> 00:02:13.280
Of course, from ten yards away, the answer is simple.
00:02:13.520 --> 00:02:15.439
Close it out, consider it done.
00:02:15.680 --> 00:02:19.280
But the problem with that is that your life doesn't often cooperate.
00:02:19.439 --> 00:02:20.960
People leave without explaining.
00:02:21.120 --> 00:02:30.159
Institutions don't apologize for how they wronged you, and the person who owes you, or worse, maybe you owe them, may be unwilling, unreachable, or gone.
00:02:30.560 --> 00:02:33.520
Worse, some questions genuinely have no answer.
00:02:33.599 --> 00:02:36.800
And it's not that it's a hidden one, it's that there's no answer to be given.
00:02:37.039 --> 00:02:42.879
So our minds plan life ahead, built on the promise of, I'll move forward once I get closure.
00:02:43.039 --> 00:02:49.120
But that means that your plan for personal progress and growth may be a plan whose critical step is assigned to someone else.
00:02:49.280 --> 00:02:54.479
And sometimes that someone else is never going to do the thing that you need or want them to do.
00:02:54.800 --> 00:03:02.240
See, waiting for closure hands the keys to your forward movement to the person or circumstance least likely to turn them.
00:03:02.479 --> 00:03:08.400
Your healing gets scheduled around someone else's willingness to explain themselves or pursue resolution themselves.
00:03:08.639 --> 00:03:15.199
And meanwhile, the chapter that you can't close is quietly deciding how much of your present you get to use.
00:03:15.439 --> 00:03:24.080
The tabs that you have are slowly stealing the memory and power off your human hard drive, and it's only a matter of time before you start getting error messages.
00:03:24.319 --> 00:03:27.840
Now, I don't want this topic to come across as cut and dry.
00:03:28.080 --> 00:03:34.240
The reality is that many times waiting for closure isn't us delaying the future or needing someone else to bend the knee.
00:03:34.400 --> 00:03:37.439
Sometimes waiting for closure is simply a way of holding on.
00:03:37.599 --> 00:03:40.560
As long as the tab stays open, the connection stays open.
00:03:40.719 --> 00:03:45.840
Needing an answer keeps the person or the situation or the old life in the room.
00:03:46.080 --> 00:03:50.159
That means that sometimes the need for closure isn't about answering a question.
00:03:50.400 --> 00:03:54.159
Sometimes it's a tether to something that we aren't ready to let go of.
00:03:55.120 --> 00:04:03.599
So we know we can't go through life with 597 tabs open, but waiting for closure isn't a viable option for forward movement either.
00:04:03.759 --> 00:04:05.039
So what do we do?
00:04:05.280 --> 00:04:08.560
Well, one thing that we can give it is a different definition.
00:04:09.199 --> 00:04:15.199
The version of closure that gets sold to us is something that you receive from someone else, an explanation.
00:04:15.360 --> 00:04:19.519
It works out great in rom-com movies, but it's not something you can rely on.
00:04:19.920 --> 00:04:24.399
So you need to flip to another version, one that's actually closer to a decision.
00:04:24.720 --> 00:04:29.680
It's choosing to stop requiring the ending as a condition for your own movement.
00:04:29.920 --> 00:04:35.199
Now I want you to notice that's very different from just pretending the resolution doesn't matter to you.
00:04:35.439 --> 00:04:37.199
This isn't a message to get over it.
00:04:37.360 --> 00:04:43.439
The loss is real, the question is legitimate, the ending you deserve is likely better than the one you will get.
00:04:43.680 --> 00:04:45.199
All of that still stands.
00:04:45.439 --> 00:04:48.800
But the decision to move on is narrower than people think.
00:04:48.959 --> 00:04:50.639
It's not that this didn't hurt.
00:04:50.800 --> 00:04:54.480
It's that this can remain unresolved and I can still move forward.
00:04:54.800 --> 00:04:57.519
Both halves of that sentence get to be true.
00:04:58.399 --> 00:05:05.040
But if you're in a place where closure is needed and not likely going to fall in your lap, there's one thing worth trying this week.
00:05:05.279 --> 00:05:07.600
Name the ending that you've been waiting for.
00:05:07.839 --> 00:05:08.959
Say it precisely.
00:05:09.199 --> 00:05:12.240
Whose words, what acknowledgement, and what answer?
00:05:12.560 --> 00:05:16.959
Define it as if it were the ideal response that you've been waiting for.
00:05:17.439 --> 00:05:20.240
Then ask one honest question about it.
00:05:20.639 --> 00:05:22.800
Is this ever actually coming?
00:05:23.120 --> 00:05:26.959
If the answer is no or almost certainly no, you've learned something important.
00:05:27.199 --> 00:05:29.759
The thing that you've been waiting on isn't ahead of you.
00:05:29.920 --> 00:05:30.959
It's behind you.
00:05:31.120 --> 00:05:35.279
And you're still allowed to move forward whether or not it ever catches up.
00:05:39.759 --> 00:05:44.160
Most transition programs assume you already know what you want.
00:05:44.319 --> 00:05:46.319
But if you don't, then what?
00:05:46.720 --> 00:05:52.079
At the Recon Network, we run free events year-round to meet you where you are.
00:05:52.240 --> 00:06:04.319
From our annual VET Summit to online workshops and even in-person local events, we provide real training, real conversations, and practical insights you can use the same day.
00:06:04.480 --> 00:06:09.360
With a goal to get you the tools you need to find direction and meaning now.
00:06:10.000 --> 00:06:14.000
So if you don't know what you want or where you want to go, no worries.
00:06:14.160 --> 00:06:16.319
There's no cost, no pressure.
00:06:16.480 --> 00:06:18.720
Just support when you need it.
00:06:18.959 --> 00:06:24.720
So find your next event at recon.bet and join us for something new.
