Unknown Speaker
Welcome to Just breed, the podcast focused on transforming the LGBTQ plus conversation and supporting you on your journey with your LGBTQ loved one. You are not alone.
Unknown Speaker
Welcome to Just breathe parenting your LGBTQ teen. My name is Heather Hester and I am excited to be with you to transform the conversation around loving and raising an LGBTQ child wherever you are on this journey right now. In this moment in time, you are not alone. Before we start today, I have a little disclaimer. The information provided today is for information purposes only, and not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional therapeutic advice,
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diagnosis or treatment. This is a disclaim of any and all liability or responsibility for any direct, indirect, incidental, special, consequential or other damages that are arise out of any individual's use of reference to reliance on or use of the information presented and or following this podcast. You are directed to verify information through consulting your healthcare team. Joining me today is Diane Becker. She is a nationally certified juvenile treatment specialist, a licensed clinical social worker, a licensed continuing education provider for social workers and professional counselors and has Been connecting with families and professionals. Over the past 30 years, Diane and I have been friends for more than 15 years. And in addition to being the kind of friend who just gets you and knows your heart, I have learned so much about mental health and social emotional health from her. So without further ado, welcome, Diane.
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Oh, thank you so much. I am so happy to be here. You know, one of the most common misconceptions is that is teens get older, they have less need for families and that couldn't be farther from the truth, family role, central part to teens and you know, as things are becoming more complicated, and they just have more and more challenges. It's so important to have these conversations So thank you so much for having this, like Avenue just to connect with other families and having the discussions.
Unknown Speaker
You are so welcome. I am I really am thrilled to have you here. And I want you all to know, I invited Diane on the show today to talk about boundaries. And this is something that I've touched on in previous episodes and promised you all that we would take a deep dive into. So today is that day. And I have to tell you that Diane is actually the one who introduced the concept of boundaries to me. I will never ever forget the day. We were on the phone, and I can't remember what we were talking about. But she said, Heather, you need to set some boundaries. And I was like, I'm sorry. What are these boundaries that you speak of? I literally had no idea what she was talking about. And the more that she explained to me, I was just stunned thinking, I'm allowed to do this. This is amazing. And it was such a pivotal moment in my personal growth that I still remember to this day where I was standing in my kitchen. So I'd like to start there. Diane, let's start with just the real basics. Sure, are these boundaries that you speak of these magical boundaries?
Unknown Speaker
boundaries, I guess and like the simplest terms are those things that keep us emotionally and physically safe. And you know, these it's interesting because, you know, as we learn more and we talk to teens more, we start changing what we do and and how we talk about things. And we've always kind of thought of these boundaries as being kind of internally set that these are things that you come up with kind of on your own of what you accept and what you don't accept things that you say are okay and not okay. As we're getting more into this and talking to more people and more teens, and we're seeing that it's also set by our relationships and that connectedness to one another. And in terms of families, this is so critical, because this is really where we start our first relationships, right? It's our families, right? And so in terms of like connectedness, I always think of things like being supported, being valued, being understood, being accepted. So I think You know, that's kind of how I determined that connectedness piece and kind of define that pace. And it's interesting when I've had conversations with teens and families. When you talk about connectedness, you also talk about the other side of that, the loneliness, the disconnect, the, the, the arguments, the confusion around certain things in the relationships. And so you really have to kind of talk about both things when you talk about connectedness.
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Right, just acknowledging that they both exist equally, right? It's part of the being seen.
Unknown Speaker
Yes. And it's interesting around like, I'm willing to like around 2000 is when technology really started, you know, kicking off and To the deep, you know, kind of studies that we were able to do just like looking at the brain and the body and just seeing how different things impact us and really studying more about stress and things of you know, going on in our environment and how that impacts us. And there is a neuroscientist john Cassio Poe. In 2008. He wrote a book called loneliness, and human nature and the need for social connection. And one of the things that just always resonates with me and was really kind of a change in terms of science is a quote from him where he said, the sense of isolation or social rejection disrupts our thinking abilities and also our immune system.
Unknown Speaker
Oh, wow.
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Yeah. And that's really when we started doing kind of this deep dive from a medical perspective in terms of the impact of just that ability to have that connection with other people to be loved, to be accepted, to be valued, and how that impacts just not our thinking about ourselves and about other people. But it also affects us physically in our physical health.
Unknown Speaker
Right, which I think we're actually starting to see that more and more now. Right. When we're seeing specific to my audience, you know, kids who do not have that connection dentists who do not have acceptance, love from their families we're seeing we're beginning to see how that's not only manifesting in mental health struggles but also in physical health struggles.
Unknown Speaker
Yes, and you know, when you put it in context with LGBTQ teens, we're seeing through things that they're telling us is that expressing gender is starting at about age two to three years of age. We're also hearing that the attractiveness to others knowing usually around like age 10. Now, sometimes they're identifying themselves more around 1314 but really recognizing that attractiveness is starting around age 10 And they're telling us just about being harassed, intimidated discriminated against. So when you think of this connectedness and this value and the importance of relationships, and you're thinking about it starting around two and three years of age,
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that's extraordinary. It really is. And it really it hits home. The importance of creating, such as safe space, right? creating a space where our kids can, where they feel open and able to say exactly what they're thinking how they're feeling, and and be able to identify it. It feels different than what I'm seeing at school. It it, you know, really being able to articulate that. I think we, you know, focus on so many other different pieces that are the top two things that are jumping in my head right now are, you know, academics, how are they doing? How are they learning to read? are they learning, you know, basic number skills at those young young ages? Are they physically active in some way, and we kind of overlook these, they're a little bit more subtle, and, and younger kids have a tougher time, being unable to really talk about that. And so I think that's where it's important for us to really learn this so that we are able to create that space for them and our homes and our families. You know, this again, goes to us, educating ourselves and, you know, learning about these things that we didn't have any idea existed. Right.
Unknown Speaker
Right. And I think a lot of it too, is changing conversations that we're just learning about our mental health, you know, before it was always thought of and physical health and mental health, and we're seeing they're so intertwined. There really is no separation. It's all health. It's all impacting who we are and health, the health and well being.
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Right.
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And Nami does a great job with that the National Association of mental health illness, and, you know, they were talking just last month in terms of, you know, we're so good about identifying physical things like when you wake up in the morning and you'll say, oh, like my knee hurts and you adjust or you change your day. Bye Based on compensating for that, and caring for that, but we're not so good at identifying, you know, waking up and saying I don't, I don't feel very happy today. I don't know, like what that's about or there's not really discussions about that, like what's going on and what could be contributing to that. And so, just trying to like be more in tune with that and changing some of those conversations around that. And the younger we can start doing that we're hearing from kids is the battery you know, the best because they can start building an habits of doing that. That's that self care piece.
Unknown Speaker
Right. Right. Absolutely. And I think that that is I love that you touched on that and because the way you and I grew up and and you know, up until the past, you know, maybe 10, maybe 20 years. Those are the types of Things that you just sweep under the rug, oh, well, I don't feel very happy today I feel just kind of melancholy or whatever that is. Those are the things that have I've just been. You sweep them under the rug, you keep going, you keep moving, you don't even address it. And I love that. Finally, I've referred you know, said this a couple of times, mental health is finally not the you know, ugly stepchild of of the health, you know, profession, the health, just industry, health in general. It's been recognized as it's real, this isn't made up things, you know, made up feelings or experiences for people who aren't strong. You know, there still is a long way to go. But I am heartened that there are people like you out there who are working so hard every day to bring more and more to light and, you know, as I opened my inbox, and I'm doing research for either this podcast or my writing. When I come across other people who are doing this work, I just think, Oh, this is so good because this validates people, especially our, you know, our young people are our children. Our teens are young adults, it validates their experience.
Unknown Speaker
Yeah, and you know, we're talking about setting boundaries and boundaries is self care, and how do you even start to do that without actually being able to tap into some of that emotional and physical safety piece that you do need? So these are key, you know, I wanted to mention to there's another scientist Matthew Lieberman. In 2013. He wrote a book called social, why our brains are wired to connect. The social connection is basic. Have a need as food and water. It's just such an in like, it's a need. It's not even like, Oh, it's something nice to have or it's great. If you have it. It's a it's a physical need. And you know, technology's just done wonderful things because you know, you were talking about like mental health having more awareness. A lot of that has to do with technology advances, because we're able to see the brain in a very different way. And even though people like me, we're working with people, we see patterns, we see things come up, we know that there's a reason behind it. There was never really that hard science behind it. So you know, now we're able to hook up electrodes to someone and see you know, how they're reacting when they're sad or angry and you know, what's going on in the brain and one of the things That, I think has been the most critical findings is that when someone is feeling this deep emotional pain it is actually processing in the brain the same way as it does for physical pain.
Unknown Speaker
That makes total sense doesn't it? I mean it's fascinating and I'm so I love that they are able to do that now because I think you know prior to this when you know someone was in that type of pain when you would describe it as you know, you were you feel it right. Well, I feel it in my stomach, my stomach, Oh, it hurts here or here, you know, in your chest and your heart, you know, where are you feeling? And you could actually, you knew it wasn't a quote unquote, physical pain, but you could feel it physically. And so I think that is just it's fascinating. And it's having that science backing is huge. The science research and the continued you know, the continued findings are just absolutely extraordinary. And going back to what you'd said a little bit before that about the beat the awareness piece, being aware of the connection between the your, how you're feeling physically, and how you're feeling mentally and emotionally, and being able to connect all of those pieces so that then you can talk about it right. And, and that does connect to self care. And I know we're going to get into this in a little bit in more detail but being able to, for us as adults and parents, we have to really clue into those pieces. So then we can help our kids learn how to ask Identify and be aware of and be present with and, you know, sit with all of this because sometimes it's uncomfortable, right? And so it's teaching them at these younger ages that being uncomfortable is okay. It's often you're Yeah, you're learning something your body in some way is learning something. So this is good.
Unknown Speaker
Mm hmm. Yeah. And you know, when we're hearing from teens, you know, your LGBTQ teens, they're telling us about, you know, it's tough to be a team anyway, right? There's gas,
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pressure,
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so much pressure and stress. And every day there are new challenges that I mean, the iPhone itself, the creation of that and social media has just introduced all kinds of wonderful things. You know, but it's also a lot of additional stress and leaves them vulnerable in a lot of ways. Absolutely. So I think because of that, I mean, we just need to keep having these conversations and we change the way we talk with teens the way we help them with safety and their own health. And it requires different conversations. And those can be uncomfortable for sure.
Unknown Speaker
Absolutely, absolutely. And I think you know, equal equally or if not even more, so for us as the adult as the parent and we have to, you know, walk through sit with be with that, that feeling of the song uncomfortable. I don't want to do it, too bad risk. This is what we signed up for. Right? Like we may not want to do it. And we may feel like we're kind of floundering through it. But it's so much more important it's to flounder through than to not do at all.
Unknown Speaker
And I agree, I think the important thing about that whole piece of what you just said, is, don't do it alone. Because it's too complicated. I mean, the idea of, Oh, I can handle this, or I can do this, it's not even about that it's not your ability to handle it or not handle it. The The idea behind it is that it's complicated. And, you know, whether you you know, when you have a child, you are sort of their whole universe, right, or you're doing the primary care and, and you're, you're taking care of all of their needs. But that's not the reality as they get older, right. JB come in, they become involved in all of these different lives, different systems. And you're not doing it alone anymore whether you want to or not,
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right?
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Right. connectedness for you as a parent is critical because you not only is it too complicated for one person to be figuring out, it's also not realistic because they're not with you all the time.
Unknown Speaker
Correct. And a lot of times people who do not live with your child with you may see things that you're not seeing. Either because it's just not coming out at home, or because you're just so used to how your child operates. It is so helpful to to know you have other eyes. I know you have other people who are invested in what is best for Your child, regardless of what stage they are, which, you know, as, as we all know, the difference between having a 10 year old and a 13 year old and a 17 year old is huge, right? And you have to really
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pivot and change with what you're saying.
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And just be really in tune with where they are, as well as where they are in the world. So lean on the people in your community, the people who are with your child, the professionals who are available to help you walk through this. And, you know, like, like I've said many, many times, if you need help finding professionals to help you walk through this, I can help you, my website can help you. There are many of us out here who want to help you find that support because it is just that critical.
Unknown Speaker
Yes, and one of the cool things I think that's come out of a lot of the research around LGBTQ teens is that you know, because you as a family are so central in their lives, and you're so invaluable in terms of their health and safety. Some of this disconnect that starts happening when they start coming out, or when they start expressing themselves more really is critical during that first two years between them and their family. And that's been a key finding in the past, let's say 10 years of research and because of that, we're able to offer more supports and that's another reason why you do not want to be going This alone, the first two years are really, really critical. And there are things that are happening that I know in conversations I've had with families. And I see this in the literature all the time. Most families are very loving and caring. They think they are doing things that are helping their team. And what we're hearing from LGBTQ teens is that there are things that are actually causing a disconnect that they're, the parents think that they're doing something loving and caring, but it's actually not something that's bringing them closer together. And these are critical findings because these are things that can be changed. These are not things that are like set, like okay, that's just how it's gonna be and there's no hope or help. No, these are critical changes that happen. Parents can make teachers can make professionals can make changes. And, you know, I know there's just a lot of really programming that's designed and changing now, to focus on that just really supporting families and working through some different conversations of how that connectedness can keep occurring.
Unknown Speaker
That is, I think that's really fascinating. And it makes total sense. Oh my goodness, because just speaking from our experience, our experience specifically loving and supportive, but also working as fast as hard as we could to learn, right to figure out how to best support Connor and and what he needed and you know, for like, many of you out there Not knowing, you know, what the resources were that were available and what we needed to learn. And, and these kids are teenagers, they're not going to serve it up to us on a silver platter, as part of their job is to make things a little bit more difficult. That's just developmentally appropriate. Right. So trying to you know, you're working with where they are just developmentally as well as wanting to support them through the coming out process. And you know, if anybody has not listened to Episode Three, where I very specifically go through the stages of the coming out process, that's really important information because it will help you understand exactly what you're, you know, adolescent teen, young adult, whatever age you where you are right now with your child where they are and what kind of supports they need, what they are going through physically and mentally and a emotionally. So I'm glad you said that. And I love that that information is, you know, again, the more that we're able to study this and look at, we're now able to see what are the long term effects. talking to these kids and the kids, the teens, the young adults, they're wanting to give the feedback, right? This is what we need. They're telling us what they need, we need to pay attention to that. That's important. So thank you for sharing that.
Unknown Speaker
And this teaching of boundaries, I think we're learning more as adults, we have to have an understanding of what boundaries are first and what that means to us as a person as a parent, as a family member. And those are things that we're then teaching families and as kids are growing The older they're sometimes accepting what you said as a family. Sure, there's sometimes not.
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Yes.
Unknown Speaker
I would say that is very accurate, Diana.
Unknown Speaker
I think part of their job is to, to test the boundaries, right? We set them. And if and if that is the way that particular child is wired. They test them. Not all kids do. I think you and I both have the experience of both, right? Those who like to test and those who do not. And so one of the most important pieces of that though, is having the boundaries in place to begin with and knowing what those boundaries are and also understanding That boundaries are meant to shift based on developmental age.
Unknown Speaker
So could you could you add on that a little bit?
Unknown Speaker
Yes. And developmental mobility. Right, right. And one of the things I just want to say is like this, parents be kind to yourself, this is not an easy time. It's not an easy time of parenting. It's not an easy time in the world. And, you know, I think a lot of times there's messaging that is given all the time about, you know, what you should and should not be doing and Hmm, very shame driven.
Unknown Speaker
Correct? Yes, I have a very dear friend who says don't shut on yourself. Mm hmm. It's one of my favorite sayings because every time I catch myself saying that I should be doing this. It's like An instance like alarm goes off now, just removing should. Because anytime you use that in a directive towards yourself, or anybody else, just scrap the whole statement and start over again. Mm hmm.
Unknown Speaker
And I think that's a good place to start. Because when you start thinking about boundaries, and teaching boundaries, it's really looking at where some of your self messaging comes from. And so a lot of you know, when I, when I've talked to people, a lot of it, see it centers around how you were raised. Your culture, your religion, your community, environment that you're in, so, you know, that's like a good place to start in terms of and that's, you know, again, where I say reaching out to other people is just is so helpful, because that's a lot to unpack.
Unknown Speaker
Oh, it sure is. It is, you know, again, it's another one of those things that this isn't going to happen overnight. This is something that you, you just work on a little bit every day. And you're gentle with yourself in the process. Because I love I'm so happy you said that. I think that is so important. Because if you push, push, push, and have all these expectations, that then either you don't meet your expectation your child doesn't meet your expectation. Then you go into the whole disappointment, shame spiral, which doesn't help anybody. It's just completely counterproductive. And that's, that's not what we want for you. You all know that I'm, this is a process. For me. I'm still doing this, you know? doing this work every day. So I'm not coming to from a place of. Well, I did it all. I'm all I'm all good. Now I'm all fixed as my my husband likes to say whenever I, every week when I talked to my therapist, he says, Well, are you fixed now? Yes, no.
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I'm a work in progress.
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So be be kind to yourselves. Be gentle. And just be present and aware.
Unknown Speaker
Yes, well said. Yeah. And and also know that you don't have to have all the answers. And if you were in a place where you're unable to have some of these conversations about boundaries with your kids, there are people out there that can help facilitate some of those conversations. Absolutely.
Unknown Speaker
I think sometimes that's almost more helpful because Because as we're learning, sometimes it's really hard to articulate that to our kids, right? And so when you have that in a professional who's kind of facilitating, boy does that make it easier. And it gives you kind of guidelines to follow and benchmarks to look for. And they can really help you figure out even prioritize what what is the most important boundary that you want to work on right now. Thank you for saying that, because that is very important to keep in mind.
Unknown Speaker
Anytime you're in the conversation, you're looking at it from your perspective. And it's so important just to connect back to those first two years that we're seeing. Were really building that relationship and connecting between you and your team. That's where someone having an Objective point of view can point out where maybe some of those conversations are going in a direction that are not supportive and can clarify for the team, or help articulate, like you said, some of those things in a different way.
Unknown Speaker
Right, because the other thing depending on where your child is, you know, in their process, where they are developmentally, you know, mentally, physically, emotionally. You could be, you know, your child could be totally open to having this conversation, or this, you know, your child could be in the place of whatever you say is wrong and bad. And so, you're not, you don't get them. You don't understand them. And we don't, but that's part of why we're doing this is so we can make that connection. Right, and set boundaries that really work for us and for them, and for the entire family in it, which is a tricky
Unknown Speaker
and that's one of the important things when you talk about boundaries, even boundaries around this kind of conversation. There are things that you can kind of go to, to set up boundaries until you do figure out some of this stuff. You know, I love you, I, I will work with you. Let's figure this out together. There are certain statements to make to where you don't have to feel like you have to come up with an answer right away or a solution that can get the message across that you do love them and you do support them. And support is different than acceptance and this has been a common versation with a lot of people that, you know, there, this is something that's difficult for many to understand. And for parents that are not LGBTQ, which many are not that right we're hearing from. So there is this like, a little bit of confusion around it and or a lot of confusion around that night, right. And so just hearing in terms of, you know, when we see so many things tied to just the safety and health of a team. You know, teens are at risk for a number of things, sexually transmitted diseases, drug use suicide, and these are something that everyone is talking about. Right? You know, when we are seeing that suicide right now is the second leading cause of death between 10 and 24 year olds.
Unknown Speaker
It's something that's needing a lot of our attention. And for LGBTQ teens, we're seeing there's as much as eight times more of a risk for that. So as parents, I think it's critical to have conversations around being safe. You know, this is something that everyone needs to be talking about. Correct. It is uncomfortable and scary, but it is so very important to know where your child is on it. Have they thought about it? Do they talk about it with their friends? Do they have friends who are talking about it in it again, it doesn't matter how you ask the asking. There's no you know, there is not a perfect way to do this, that the point is just opening up that dialogue and letting your child know that you are available to discuss it to get help if needed, there are solutions. And there's support that is available and that you see them really quickly. I just want to go back and touch on when you were talking about setting the boundary with especially specifically our teens because I think this really does come specifically from them and they are coming to us either with information or sharing or asking, you do not ever have to give an answer right away. And I just wanted to reiterate that because you did say that and I think that was such an important lesson for me to know that That I could pause. And I could say either I don't know the answer to that question right now. Or I need to think about this right now. I love you. I support you. I am here for you. I hear you. I see whatever you to where you are in that moment. But giving yourself permission to pause is so very important to your own mental health. Your own ability to this is, you know, this is a marathon. This is not a sprint. This is a lifelong journey. This isn't just a two month occurrence, right? So these are the types of things that help you build that internal strength, that internal reservoir of I can do this. I'm available and my child knows that I'm available. They understand that I need time right now. So I just wanted to circle back to that, because I really appreciated you saying that and I think that is so very critical because that was a very big thing for me to realize that I could do and really, really helped in our not only communication with Connor, but the rest of my kids as well.
Unknown Speaker
I'm glad you put like paused on that because I've learned two very important things from that just in working with families. One is that you're modeling some self care behavior, and you're showing them that this needs to be some thought behind it. There needs to be some examination behind it. You're modeling that piece of taking care of yourself and looking at things from a different perspective. The second lesson, I think, in there is that kids are not fully developed, their brains are growing at such a rapid rate. They're trying to make connections in their brain, between managing emotions, problem solving situations. They're hyper focused on themselves in terms of thinking that everyone is scrutinizing everything that they do. Mm hmm. So when they're coming to you with something, it's important to remember that that's what's going on in that brain. And they don't even know sometimes why they are acting the way that they're acting. Oh, for sure. And so one of the things about self care and boundaries is increasing self awareness. And so you're helping them walk through that process a little bit of being self aware and how to be self aware. And again, these are big things is not like an easy like, Oh, I'm just gonna help him with self care. I mean, this is pretty big, this is hard for anybody to manage and handle. And again, I can't underscore enough get help for that. I mean, that, that's a lot to be doing.
Unknown Speaker
It is a lot and it takes again, it takes time, right, it takes practice, it takes, you know, revisiting again, and again, and, you know, pointing things out and you know, observing and sharing your observations with them. modeling, you know, like you said, we need to model That, and and as we are all in different stages of self care, learning how to take care of ourselves, being very open and vulnerable about that with our kids is huge because for them to see that we are not perfect that we are not only are we willing to continue learning throughout our lives, that we are willing to make mistakes, that we are willing to apologize when we make a mistake. If it hurts somebody, right, if it affects somebody, all of these things are what humanizes us. And I also think and maybe maybe there's some cool scientific research out there for this, but this is just my gut feeling that it it deepens that connection.
Unknown Speaker
Yes, absolutely. And that that's probably another pioneer Cast to go in
Unknown Speaker
the next episode with Diane, this is specifically on boundaries this one will be something else fabulous come up
Unknown Speaker
I do want to circle back real quick about safety because that you know number one priority for us with teens is keeping them safe and if at any point that you feel your team is not safe, please reach out because there is help available there is treatment that works and you know just in terms of not feeling that isolation and that peace of not knowing there are people available. You know 911 the ER room there's all kinds of hotlines you know mental health organizations. in the community, I think you're probably going to provide some of these links afterwards. Absolutely. And then I know the Trevor Project is something that you and I have talked about a lot of them, share them for your team and anyone 25 years and younger. So they're, I mean, they they can call chat text. In 24. Seven, they're available.
Unknown Speaker
They're phenomenal and they also have extraordinary resources on their website for you for parents. And so definitely a tab them bookmark them have them just sitting open on your desktop because they I love them so much. They have been absolutely invaluable. I only wish I had known of them sooner. And Diane is, you know, absolutely right that their safety our child children's safety is number one, there was a point where that was all we were worried about was Connors safety. And he was not only engaged in some very dangerous behavior. He was also in a place mental health place that was so he spiraled so very quickly had suicidal ideation. Extreme depression did attempt and our sole focus at the time it was kind of throwing out everything else. It forget supporting the fact that you're coming out and figuring that out. It was how do we get this kid safe and how do we get this kid the help he needs right this minute. I mean, I cannot emphasize reiterate You know what Diane said more. And and that's and that is exactly what we did. And you know, in his case, specifically, we needed to move him from where where we are, we had to put him someplace else, you know, that's not the solution for everybody. But that was the solution that we needed for Connor at the time. And this is something that, you know, I've teased that Connor is going to be coming back on again, and this is something that he does want to talk about himself. So I'm gonna let him share the details of that with you. But just so you know, from a parental standpoint, that their safety, we just cannot say it enough. That is the number one priority. So thank you for circling back to that. I do appreciate it.
Unknown Speaker
And know that they have already faced some sort of bullying or harassment or discrimination. Absolutely. We hear that from every single LG bt que tiene on some level they are facing it. And I will tell you the power of family and the connection as it's being connected to family is such a safety net when I say safety, it is one of the highest underlying factors of preventing suicide.
Unknown Speaker
Yes, you are. You're absolutely right. I think, you know, I, this is something that I have thought over dozens, hundreds of times over the past three years, as everything has unfolded. And we did go through that time with Connor and, and I've, you know, often thought, what could we have done more, to make our home feel safer for him to to truly understand that we loved him unconditionally that we you know, support corded him, you know, where did we kind of miss that? I still don't have an answer to that I wish that I did that I could tell you. The only thing that I do know, which has come from, you know, many hours of working with other professionals with Qatar is that this is their journey. And sometimes it doesn't matter what they're going through internally, what they're processing, what, from, you know, what they've been told, from the earliest of ages, what they're being told at school, what they're being told, you know, what they're hearing on social media, whatever, wherever it is. mixed with it, there's so much shame and mixed with just how they're, they're built. You know, how they are wired, like we talked about in the last episode. You know, they're, they're wired in so many different ways, mentally, physically, emotionally. I really thought, you know, I could learn Connor so much that I could take away all of that pain, that I could help him just let go of that shame. But, you know, what I learned was that that was that was internal work he had to do. And he had to want to do it. And before he could even recognize before he could allow in what we were wanting to give him. So I know that's very deep. Sorry, guys. When, when often a little bit of a tangent, but I just just in case, there's anybody else out there who is, you know, has a Catholic honor, and you're feeling like, Oh, you know, what do I do? Having that professional support for them is huge. And continuing to be vigilant, also huge. So it's a journey, it's a journey. So okay,
Unknown Speaker
and maybe pivot that thought a little bit Just in terms of when you're saying what did we miss? And instead of that, thinking about the added supports to put in and move forward, because, you know, I think it just shifts a little bit in terms of just this natural instinct of, I guess, guilt that parents carry. Mm hmm. And the ability feeling, and it's like you said, it's, it's not all of that. So it's kind of thinking that come like just that thought process a little bit differently in terms of what can we add in?
Unknown Speaker
Right? I like that very much. Thank you. And I think that's very helpful for me going forward, right for everyone. Listening really, really important. This Is the End of part one of my interview with Diane. I hope you enjoyed it and look forward to part two
Unknown Speaker
in two weeks.
Unknown Speaker
I just want to thank you so much for joining us today and just a reminder to just breathe. taking a few minutes each day to focus on your breath, and calm and center yourself will give you so much strength and clarity.
Unknown Speaker
Please subscribe to and review. Just breathe and share with anyone who needs to know that they are not alone. Until next time
Transcribed by https://otter.ai
Welcome to Just breed, the podcast focused on transforming the LGBTQ plus conversation and supporting you on your journey with your LGBTQ loved one. You are not alone.
Unknown Speaker
Welcome to Just breathe parenting your LGBTQ teen. My name is Heather Hester and I am excited to be with you to transform the conversation around loving and raising an LGBTQ child wherever you are on this journey right now. In this moment in time, you are not alone. Before we start today, I have a little disclaimer. The information provided today is for information purposes only, and not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional therapeutic advice,
Unknown Speaker
diagnosis or treatment. This is a disclaim of any and all liability or responsibility for any direct, indirect, incidental, special, consequential or other damages that are arise out of any individual's use of reference to reliance on or use of the information presented and or following this podcast. You are directed to verify information through consulting your healthcare team. Joining me today is Diane Becker. She is a nationally certified juvenile treatment specialist, a licensed clinical social worker, a licensed continuing education provider for social workers and professional counselors and has Been connecting with families and professionals. Over the past 30 years, Diane and I have been friends for more than 15 years. And in addition to being the kind of friend who just gets you and knows your heart, I have learned so much about mental health and social emotional health from her. So without further ado, welcome, Diane.
Unknown Speaker
Oh, thank you so much. I am so happy to be here. You know, one of the most common misconceptions is that is teens get older, they have less need for families and that couldn't be farther from the truth, family role, central part to teens and you know, as things are becoming more complicated, and they just have more and more challenges. It's so important to have these conversations So thank you so much for having this, like Avenue just to connect with other families and having the discussions.
Unknown Speaker
You are so welcome. I am I really am thrilled to have you here. And I want you all to know, I invited Diane on the show today to talk about boundaries. And this is something that I've touched on in previous episodes and promised you all that we would take a deep dive into. So today is that day. And I have to tell you that Diane is actually the one who introduced the concept of boundaries to me. I will never ever forget the day. We were on the phone, and I can't remember what we were talking about. But she said, Heather, you need to set some boundaries. And I was like, I'm sorry. What are these boundaries that you speak of? I literally had no idea what she was talking about. And the more that she explained to me, I was just stunned thinking, I'm allowed to do this. This is amazing. And it was such a pivotal moment in my personal growth that I still remember to this day where I was standing in my kitchen. So I'd like to start there. Diane, let's start with just the real basics. Sure, are these boundaries that you speak of these magical boundaries?
Unknown Speaker
boundaries, I guess and like the simplest terms are those things that keep us emotionally and physically safe. And you know, these it's interesting because, you know, as we learn more and we talk to teens more, we start changing what we do and and how we talk about things. And we've always kind of thought of these boundaries as being kind of internally set that these are things that you come up with kind of on your own of what you accept and what you don't accept things that you say are okay and not okay. As we're getting more into this and talking to more people and more teens, and we're seeing that it's also set by our relationships and that connectedness to one another. And in terms of families, this is so critical, because this is really where we start our first relationships, right? It's our families, right? And so in terms of like connectedness, I always think of things like being supported, being valued, being understood, being accepted. So I think You know, that's kind of how I determined that connectedness piece and kind of define that pace. And it's interesting when I've had conversations with teens and families. When you talk about connectedness, you also talk about the other side of that, the loneliness, the disconnect, the, the, the arguments, the confusion around certain things in the relationships. And so you really have to kind of talk about both things when you talk about connectedness.
Unknown Speaker
Right, just acknowledging that they both exist equally, right? It's part of the being seen.
Unknown Speaker
Yes. And it's interesting around like, I'm willing to like around 2000 is when technology really started, you know, kicking off and To the deep, you know, kind of studies that we were able to do just like looking at the brain and the body and just seeing how different things impact us and really studying more about stress and things of you know, going on in our environment and how that impacts us. And there is a neuroscientist john Cassio Poe. In 2008. He wrote a book called loneliness, and human nature and the need for social connection. And one of the things that just always resonates with me and was really kind of a change in terms of science is a quote from him where he said, the sense of isolation or social rejection disrupts our thinking abilities and also our immune system.
Unknown Speaker
Oh, wow.
Unknown Speaker
Yeah. And that's really when we started doing kind of this deep dive from a medical perspective in terms of the impact of just that ability to have that connection with other people to be loved, to be accepted, to be valued, and how that impacts just not our thinking about ourselves and about other people. But it also affects us physically in our physical health.
Unknown Speaker
Right, which I think we're actually starting to see that more and more now. Right. When we're seeing specific to my audience, you know, kids who do not have that connection dentists who do not have acceptance, love from their families we're seeing we're beginning to see how that's not only manifesting in mental health struggles but also in physical health struggles.
Unknown Speaker
Yes, and you know, when you put it in context with LGBTQ teens, we're seeing through things that they're telling us is that expressing gender is starting at about age two to three years of age. We're also hearing that the attractiveness to others knowing usually around like age 10. Now, sometimes they're identifying themselves more around 1314 but really recognizing that attractiveness is starting around age 10 And they're telling us just about being harassed, intimidated discriminated against. So when you think of this connectedness and this value and the importance of relationships, and you're thinking about it starting around two and three years of age,
Unknown Speaker
that's extraordinary. It really is. And it really it hits home. The importance of creating, such as safe space, right? creating a space where our kids can, where they feel open and able to say exactly what they're thinking how they're feeling, and and be able to identify it. It feels different than what I'm seeing at school. It it, you know, really being able to articulate that. I think we, you know, focus on so many other different pieces that are the top two things that are jumping in my head right now are, you know, academics, how are they doing? How are they learning to read? are they learning, you know, basic number skills at those young young ages? Are they physically active in some way, and we kind of overlook these, they're a little bit more subtle, and, and younger kids have a tougher time, being unable to really talk about that. And so I think that's where it's important for us to really learn this so that we are able to create that space for them and our homes and our families. You know, this again, goes to us, educating ourselves and, you know, learning about these things that we didn't have any idea existed. Right.
Unknown Speaker
Right. And I think a lot of it too, is changing conversations that we're just learning about our mental health, you know, before it was always thought of and physical health and mental health, and we're seeing they're so intertwined. There really is no separation. It's all health. It's all impacting who we are and health, the health and well being.
Unknown Speaker
Right.
Unknown Speaker
And Nami does a great job with that the National Association of mental health illness, and, you know, they were talking just last month in terms of, you know, we're so good about identifying physical things like when you wake up in the morning and you'll say, oh, like my knee hurts and you adjust or you change your day. Bye Based on compensating for that, and caring for that, but we're not so good at identifying, you know, waking up and saying I don't, I don't feel very happy today. I don't know, like what that's about or there's not really discussions about that, like what's going on and what could be contributing to that. And so, just trying to like be more in tune with that and changing some of those conversations around that. And the younger we can start doing that we're hearing from kids is the battery you know, the best because they can start building an habits of doing that. That's that self care piece.
Unknown Speaker
Right. Right. Absolutely. And I think that that is I love that you touched on that and because the way you and I grew up and and you know, up until the past, you know, maybe 10, maybe 20 years. Those are the types of Things that you just sweep under the rug, oh, well, I don't feel very happy today I feel just kind of melancholy or whatever that is. Those are the things that have I've just been. You sweep them under the rug, you keep going, you keep moving, you don't even address it. And I love that. Finally, I've referred you know, said this a couple of times, mental health is finally not the you know, ugly stepchild of of the health, you know, profession, the health, just industry, health in general. It's been recognized as it's real, this isn't made up things, you know, made up feelings or experiences for people who aren't strong. You know, there still is a long way to go. But I am heartened that there are people like you out there who are working so hard every day to bring more and more to light and, you know, as I opened my inbox, and I'm doing research for either this podcast or my writing. When I come across other people who are doing this work, I just think, Oh, this is so good because this validates people, especially our, you know, our young people are our children. Our teens are young adults, it validates their experience.
Unknown Speaker
Yeah, and you know, we're talking about setting boundaries and boundaries is self care, and how do you even start to do that without actually being able to tap into some of that emotional and physical safety piece that you do need? So these are key, you know, I wanted to mention to there's another scientist Matthew Lieberman. In 2013. He wrote a book called social, why our brains are wired to connect. The social connection is basic. Have a need as food and water. It's just such an in like, it's a need. It's not even like, Oh, it's something nice to have or it's great. If you have it. It's a it's a physical need. And you know, technology's just done wonderful things because you know, you were talking about like mental health having more awareness. A lot of that has to do with technology advances, because we're able to see the brain in a very different way. And even though people like me, we're working with people, we see patterns, we see things come up, we know that there's a reason behind it. There was never really that hard science behind it. So you know, now we're able to hook up electrodes to someone and see you know, how they're reacting when they're sad or angry and you know, what's going on in the brain and one of the things That, I think has been the most critical findings is that when someone is feeling this deep emotional pain it is actually processing in the brain the same way as it does for physical pain.
Unknown Speaker
That makes total sense doesn't it? I mean it's fascinating and I'm so I love that they are able to do that now because I think you know prior to this when you know someone was in that type of pain when you would describe it as you know, you were you feel it right. Well, I feel it in my stomach, my stomach, Oh, it hurts here or here, you know, in your chest and your heart, you know, where are you feeling? And you could actually, you knew it wasn't a quote unquote, physical pain, but you could feel it physically. And so I think that is just it's fascinating. And it's having that science backing is huge. The science research and the continued you know, the continued findings are just absolutely extraordinary. And going back to what you'd said a little bit before that about the beat the awareness piece, being aware of the connection between the your, how you're feeling physically, and how you're feeling mentally and emotionally, and being able to connect all of those pieces so that then you can talk about it right. And, and that does connect to self care. And I know we're going to get into this in a little bit in more detail but being able to, for us as adults and parents, we have to really clue into those pieces. So then we can help our kids learn how to ask Identify and be aware of and be present with and, you know, sit with all of this because sometimes it's uncomfortable, right? And so it's teaching them at these younger ages that being uncomfortable is okay. It's often you're Yeah, you're learning something your body in some way is learning something. So this is good.
Unknown Speaker
Mm hmm. Yeah. And you know, when we're hearing from teens, you know, your LGBTQ teens, they're telling us about, you know, it's tough to be a team anyway, right? There's gas,
Unknown Speaker
pressure,
Unknown Speaker
so much pressure and stress. And every day there are new challenges that I mean, the iPhone itself, the creation of that and social media has just introduced all kinds of wonderful things. You know, but it's also a lot of additional stress and leaves them vulnerable in a lot of ways. Absolutely. So I think because of that, I mean, we just need to keep having these conversations and we change the way we talk with teens the way we help them with safety and their own health. And it requires different conversations. And those can be uncomfortable for sure.
Unknown Speaker
Absolutely, absolutely. And I think you know, equal equally or if not even more, so for us as the adult as the parent and we have to, you know, walk through sit with be with that, that feeling of the song uncomfortable. I don't want to do it, too bad risk. This is what we signed up for. Right? Like we may not want to do it. And we may feel like we're kind of floundering through it. But it's so much more important it's to flounder through than to not do at all.
Unknown Speaker
And I agree, I think the important thing about that whole piece of what you just said, is, don't do it alone. Because it's too complicated. I mean, the idea of, Oh, I can handle this, or I can do this, it's not even about that it's not your ability to handle it or not handle it. The The idea behind it is that it's complicated. And, you know, whether you you know, when you have a child, you are sort of their whole universe, right, or you're doing the primary care and, and you're, you're taking care of all of their needs. But that's not the reality as they get older, right. JB come in, they become involved in all of these different lives, different systems. And you're not doing it alone anymore whether you want to or not,
Unknown Speaker
right?
Unknown Speaker
Right. connectedness for you as a parent is critical because you not only is it too complicated for one person to be figuring out, it's also not realistic because they're not with you all the time.
Unknown Speaker
Correct. And a lot of times people who do not live with your child with you may see things that you're not seeing. Either because it's just not coming out at home, or because you're just so used to how your child operates. It is so helpful to to know you have other eyes. I know you have other people who are invested in what is best for Your child, regardless of what stage they are, which, you know, as, as we all know, the difference between having a 10 year old and a 13 year old and a 17 year old is huge, right? And you have to really
Unknown Speaker
pivot and change with what you're saying.
Unknown Speaker
And just be really in tune with where they are, as well as where they are in the world. So lean on the people in your community, the people who are with your child, the professionals who are available to help you walk through this. And, you know, like, like I've said many, many times, if you need help finding professionals to help you walk through this, I can help you, my website can help you. There are many of us out here who want to help you find that support because it is just that critical.
Unknown Speaker
Yes, and one of the cool things I think that's come out of a lot of the research around LGBTQ teens is that you know, because you as a family are so central in their lives, and you're so invaluable in terms of their health and safety. Some of this disconnect that starts happening when they start coming out, or when they start expressing themselves more really is critical during that first two years between them and their family. And that's been a key finding in the past, let's say 10 years of research and because of that, we're able to offer more supports and that's another reason why you do not want to be going This alone, the first two years are really, really critical. And there are things that are happening that I know in conversations I've had with families. And I see this in the literature all the time. Most families are very loving and caring. They think they are doing things that are helping their team. And what we're hearing from LGBTQ teens is that there are things that are actually causing a disconnect that they're, the parents think that they're doing something loving and caring, but it's actually not something that's bringing them closer together. And these are critical findings because these are things that can be changed. These are not things that are like set, like okay, that's just how it's gonna be and there's no hope or help. No, these are critical changes that happen. Parents can make teachers can make professionals can make changes. And, you know, I know there's just a lot of really programming that's designed and changing now, to focus on that just really supporting families and working through some different conversations of how that connectedness can keep occurring.
Unknown Speaker
That is, I think that's really fascinating. And it makes total sense. Oh my goodness, because just speaking from our experience, our experience specifically loving and supportive, but also working as fast as hard as we could to learn, right to figure out how to best support Connor and and what he needed and you know, for like, many of you out there Not knowing, you know, what the resources were that were available and what we needed to learn. And, and these kids are teenagers, they're not going to serve it up to us on a silver platter, as part of their job is to make things a little bit more difficult. That's just developmentally appropriate. Right. So trying to you know, you're working with where they are just developmentally as well as wanting to support them through the coming out process. And you know, if anybody has not listened to Episode Three, where I very specifically go through the stages of the coming out process, that's really important information because it will help you understand exactly what you're, you know, adolescent teen, young adult, whatever age you where you are right now with your child where they are and what kind of supports they need, what they are going through physically and mentally and a emotionally. So I'm glad you said that. And I love that that information is, you know, again, the more that we're able to study this and look at, we're now able to see what are the long term effects. talking to these kids and the kids, the teens, the young adults, they're wanting to give the feedback, right? This is what we need. They're telling us what they need, we need to pay attention to that. That's important. So thank you for sharing that.
Unknown Speaker
And this teaching of boundaries, I think we're learning more as adults, we have to have an understanding of what boundaries are first and what that means to us as a person as a parent, as a family member. And those are things that we're then teaching families and as kids are growing The older they're sometimes accepting what you said as a family. Sure, there's sometimes not.
Unknown Speaker
Yes.
Unknown Speaker
I would say that is very accurate, Diana.
Unknown Speaker
I think part of their job is to, to test the boundaries, right? We set them. And if and if that is the way that particular child is wired. They test them. Not all kids do. I think you and I both have the experience of both, right? Those who like to test and those who do not. And so one of the most important pieces of that though, is having the boundaries in place to begin with and knowing what those boundaries are and also understanding That boundaries are meant to shift based on developmental age.
Unknown Speaker
So could you could you add on that a little bit?
Unknown Speaker
Yes. And developmental mobility. Right, right. And one of the things I just want to say is like this, parents be kind to yourself, this is not an easy time. It's not an easy time of parenting. It's not an easy time in the world. And, you know, I think a lot of times there's messaging that is given all the time about, you know, what you should and should not be doing and Hmm, very shame driven.
Unknown Speaker
Correct? Yes, I have a very dear friend who says don't shut on yourself. Mm hmm. It's one of my favorite sayings because every time I catch myself saying that I should be doing this. It's like An instance like alarm goes off now, just removing should. Because anytime you use that in a directive towards yourself, or anybody else, just scrap the whole statement and start over again. Mm hmm.
Unknown Speaker
And I think that's a good place to start. Because when you start thinking about boundaries, and teaching boundaries, it's really looking at where some of your self messaging comes from. And so a lot of you know, when I, when I've talked to people, a lot of it, see it centers around how you were raised. Your culture, your religion, your community, environment that you're in, so, you know, that's like a good place to start in terms of and that's, you know, again, where I say reaching out to other people is just is so helpful, because that's a lot to unpack.
Unknown Speaker
Oh, it sure is. It is, you know, again, it's another one of those things that this isn't going to happen overnight. This is something that you, you just work on a little bit every day. And you're gentle with yourself in the process. Because I love I'm so happy you said that. I think that is so important. Because if you push, push, push, and have all these expectations, that then either you don't meet your expectation your child doesn't meet your expectation. Then you go into the whole disappointment, shame spiral, which doesn't help anybody. It's just completely counterproductive. And that's, that's not what we want for you. You all know that I'm, this is a process. For me. I'm still doing this, you know? doing this work every day. So I'm not coming to from a place of. Well, I did it all. I'm all I'm all good. Now I'm all fixed as my my husband likes to say whenever I, every week when I talked to my therapist, he says, Well, are you fixed now? Yes, no.
Unknown Speaker
I'm a work in progress.
Unknown Speaker
So be be kind to yourselves. Be gentle. And just be present and aware.
Unknown Speaker
Yes, well said. Yeah. And and also know that you don't have to have all the answers. And if you were in a place where you're unable to have some of these conversations about boundaries with your kids, there are people out there that can help facilitate some of those conversations. Absolutely.
Unknown Speaker
I think sometimes that's almost more helpful because Because as we're learning, sometimes it's really hard to articulate that to our kids, right? And so when you have that in a professional who's kind of facilitating, boy does that make it easier. And it gives you kind of guidelines to follow and benchmarks to look for. And they can really help you figure out even prioritize what what is the most important boundary that you want to work on right now. Thank you for saying that, because that is very important to keep in mind.
Unknown Speaker
Anytime you're in the conversation, you're looking at it from your perspective. And it's so important just to connect back to those first two years that we're seeing. Were really building that relationship and connecting between you and your team. That's where someone having an Objective point of view can point out where maybe some of those conversations are going in a direction that are not supportive and can clarify for the team, or help articulate, like you said, some of those things in a different way.
Unknown Speaker
Right, because the other thing depending on where your child is, you know, in their process, where they are developmentally, you know, mentally, physically, emotionally. You could be, you know, your child could be totally open to having this conversation, or this, you know, your child could be in the place of whatever you say is wrong and bad. And so, you're not, you don't get them. You don't understand them. And we don't, but that's part of why we're doing this is so we can make that connection. Right, and set boundaries that really work for us and for them, and for the entire family in it, which is a tricky
Unknown Speaker
and that's one of the important things when you talk about boundaries, even boundaries around this kind of conversation. There are things that you can kind of go to, to set up boundaries until you do figure out some of this stuff. You know, I love you, I, I will work with you. Let's figure this out together. There are certain statements to make to where you don't have to feel like you have to come up with an answer right away or a solution that can get the message across that you do love them and you do support them. And support is different than acceptance and this has been a common versation with a lot of people that, you know, there, this is something that's difficult for many to understand. And for parents that are not LGBTQ, which many are not that right we're hearing from. So there is this like, a little bit of confusion around it and or a lot of confusion around that night, right. And so just hearing in terms of, you know, when we see so many things tied to just the safety and health of a team. You know, teens are at risk for a number of things, sexually transmitted diseases, drug use suicide, and these are something that everyone is talking about. Right? You know, when we are seeing that suicide right now is the second leading cause of death between 10 and 24 year olds.
Unknown Speaker
It's something that's needing a lot of our attention. And for LGBTQ teens, we're seeing there's as much as eight times more of a risk for that. So as parents, I think it's critical to have conversations around being safe. You know, this is something that everyone needs to be talking about. Correct. It is uncomfortable and scary, but it is so very important to know where your child is on it. Have they thought about it? Do they talk about it with their friends? Do they have friends who are talking about it in it again, it doesn't matter how you ask the asking. There's no you know, there is not a perfect way to do this, that the point is just opening up that dialogue and letting your child know that you are available to discuss it to get help if needed, there are solutions. And there's support that is available and that you see them really quickly. I just want to go back and touch on when you were talking about setting the boundary with especially specifically our teens because I think this really does come specifically from them and they are coming to us either with information or sharing or asking, you do not ever have to give an answer right away. And I just wanted to reiterate that because you did say that and I think that was such an important lesson for me to know that That I could pause. And I could say either I don't know the answer to that question right now. Or I need to think about this right now. I love you. I support you. I am here for you. I hear you. I see whatever you to where you are in that moment. But giving yourself permission to pause is so very important to your own mental health. Your own ability to this is, you know, this is a marathon. This is not a sprint. This is a lifelong journey. This isn't just a two month occurrence, right? So these are the types of things that help you build that internal strength, that internal reservoir of I can do this. I'm available and my child knows that I'm available. They understand that I need time right now. So I just wanted to circle back to that, because I really appreciated you saying that and I think that is so very critical because that was a very big thing for me to realize that I could do and really, really helped in our not only communication with Connor, but the rest of my kids as well.
Unknown Speaker
I'm glad you put like paused on that because I've learned two very important things from that just in working with families. One is that you're modeling some self care behavior, and you're showing them that this needs to be some thought behind it. There needs to be some examination behind it. You're modeling that piece of taking care of yourself and looking at things from a different perspective. The second lesson, I think, in there is that kids are not fully developed, their brains are growing at such a rapid rate. They're trying to make connections in their brain, between managing emotions, problem solving situations. They're hyper focused on themselves in terms of thinking that everyone is scrutinizing everything that they do. Mm hmm. So when they're coming to you with something, it's important to remember that that's what's going on in that brain. And they don't even know sometimes why they are acting the way that they're acting. Oh, for sure. And so one of the things about self care and boundaries is increasing self awareness. And so you're helping them walk through that process a little bit of being self aware and how to be self aware. And again, these are big things is not like an easy like, Oh, I'm just gonna help him with self care. I mean, this is pretty big, this is hard for anybody to manage and handle. And again, I can't underscore enough get help for that. I mean, that, that's a lot to be doing.
Unknown Speaker
It is a lot and it takes again, it takes time, right, it takes practice, it takes, you know, revisiting again, and again, and, you know, pointing things out and you know, observing and sharing your observations with them. modeling, you know, like you said, we need to model That, and and as we are all in different stages of self care, learning how to take care of ourselves, being very open and vulnerable about that with our kids is huge because for them to see that we are not perfect that we are not only are we willing to continue learning throughout our lives, that we are willing to make mistakes, that we are willing to apologize when we make a mistake. If it hurts somebody, right, if it affects somebody, all of these things are what humanizes us. And I also think and maybe maybe there's some cool scientific research out there for this, but this is just my gut feeling that it it deepens that connection.
Unknown Speaker
Yes, absolutely. And that that's probably another pioneer Cast to go in
Unknown Speaker
the next episode with Diane, this is specifically on boundaries this one will be something else fabulous come up
Unknown Speaker
I do want to circle back real quick about safety because that you know number one priority for us with teens is keeping them safe and if at any point that you feel your team is not safe, please reach out because there is help available there is treatment that works and you know just in terms of not feeling that isolation and that peace of not knowing there are people available. You know 911 the ER room there's all kinds of hotlines you know mental health organizations. in the community, I think you're probably going to provide some of these links afterwards. Absolutely. And then I know the Trevor Project is something that you and I have talked about a lot of them, share them for your team and anyone 25 years and younger. So they're, I mean, they they can call chat text. In 24. Seven, they're available.
Unknown Speaker
They're phenomenal and they also have extraordinary resources on their website for you for parents. And so definitely a tab them bookmark them have them just sitting open on your desktop because they I love them so much. They have been absolutely invaluable. I only wish I had known of them sooner. And Diane is, you know, absolutely right that their safety our child children's safety is number one, there was a point where that was all we were worried about was Connors safety. And he was not only engaged in some very dangerous behavior. He was also in a place mental health place that was so he spiraled so very quickly had suicidal ideation. Extreme depression did attempt and our sole focus at the time it was kind of throwing out everything else. It forget supporting the fact that you're coming out and figuring that out. It was how do we get this kid safe and how do we get this kid the help he needs right this minute. I mean, I cannot emphasize reiterate You know what Diane said more. And and that's and that is exactly what we did. And you know, in his case, specifically, we needed to move him from where where we are, we had to put him someplace else, you know, that's not the solution for everybody. But that was the solution that we needed for Connor at the time. And this is something that, you know, I've teased that Connor is going to be coming back on again, and this is something that he does want to talk about himself. So I'm gonna let him share the details of that with you. But just so you know, from a parental standpoint, that their safety, we just cannot say it enough. That is the number one priority. So thank you for circling back to that. I do appreciate it.
Unknown Speaker
And know that they have already faced some sort of bullying or harassment or discrimination. Absolutely. We hear that from every single LG bt que tiene on some level they are facing it. And I will tell you the power of family and the connection as it's being connected to family is such a safety net when I say safety, it is one of the highest underlying factors of preventing suicide.
Unknown Speaker
Yes, you are. You're absolutely right. I think, you know, I, this is something that I have thought over dozens, hundreds of times over the past three years, as everything has unfolded. And we did go through that time with Connor and, and I've, you know, often thought, what could we have done more, to make our home feel safer for him to to truly understand that we loved him unconditionally that we you know, support corded him, you know, where did we kind of miss that? I still don't have an answer to that I wish that I did that I could tell you. The only thing that I do know, which has come from, you know, many hours of working with other professionals with Qatar is that this is their journey. And sometimes it doesn't matter what they're going through internally, what they're processing, what, from, you know, what they've been told, from the earliest of ages, what they're being told at school, what they're being told, you know, what they're hearing on social media, whatever, wherever it is. mixed with it, there's so much shame and mixed with just how they're, they're built. You know, how they are wired, like we talked about in the last episode. You know, they're, they're wired in so many different ways, mentally, physically, emotionally. I really thought, you know, I could learn Connor so much that I could take away all of that pain, that I could help him just let go of that shame. But, you know, what I learned was that that was that was internal work he had to do. And he had to want to do it. And before he could even recognize before he could allow in what we were wanting to give him. So I know that's very deep. Sorry, guys. When, when often a little bit of a tangent, but I just just in case, there's anybody else out there who is, you know, has a Catholic honor, and you're feeling like, Oh, you know, what do I do? Having that professional support for them is huge. And continuing to be vigilant, also huge. So it's a journey, it's a journey. So okay,
Unknown Speaker
and maybe pivot that thought a little bit Just in terms of when you're saying what did we miss? And instead of that, thinking about the added supports to put in and move forward, because, you know, I think it just shifts a little bit in terms of just this natural instinct of, I guess, guilt that parents carry. Mm hmm. And the ability feeling, and it's like you said, it's, it's not all of that. So it's kind of thinking that come like just that thought process a little bit differently in terms of what can we add in?
Unknown Speaker
Right? I like that very much. Thank you. And I think that's very helpful for me going forward, right for everyone. Listening really, really important. This Is the End of part one of my interview with Diane. I hope you enjoyed it and look forward to part two
Unknown Speaker
in two weeks.
Unknown Speaker
I just want to thank you so much for joining us today and just a reminder to just breathe. taking a few minutes each day to focus on your breath, and calm and center yourself will give you so much strength and clarity.
Unknown Speaker
Please subscribe to and review. Just breathe and share with anyone who needs to know that they are not alone. Until next time
Transcribed by https://otter.ai
