WEBVTT
00:00:06.000 --> 00:00:08.240
Welcome to toddlers Made Easy.
00:00:08.400 --> 00:00:09.039
I'm Dr.
00:00:09.119 --> 00:00:16.719
Catherine, your host, and today we're talking about a common problem that sneaks up and it can last for years.
00:00:16.960 --> 00:00:25.920
I'm talking about how sleeping in your child's room often starts as a short-term solution but can quickly become the new normal.
00:00:26.160 --> 00:00:28.719
Here's what happened with a parent in my practice.
00:00:28.960 --> 00:00:31.839
Michael told me bedtime had gotten really hard.
00:00:32.000 --> 00:00:38.079
His little guy was struggling to fall asleep and waking during the night, and everyone was exhausted.
00:00:38.320 --> 00:00:42.880
So one night, Michael decided he'd just sleep in his son's room, just for tonight.
00:00:43.119 --> 00:00:48.159
He figured everyone needed a good night's sleep and they'd deal with the bigger issue later.
00:00:48.399 --> 00:00:52.000
Now, fast forward a year and Michael's still sleeping there.
00:00:52.240 --> 00:00:54.960
Not occasionally, every single night.
00:00:55.119 --> 00:01:01.840
What started as a one night solution had quietly and quickly become the family's new normal.
00:01:02.079 --> 00:01:05.040
And here's what's so interesting about Michael's story.
00:01:05.280 --> 00:01:08.480
He never planned to spend a year sleeping in his son's room.
00:01:08.719 --> 00:01:15.599
In fact, if you'd asked him on that first night how long he'd be there, he probably would have laughed at the idea of a year.
00:01:15.840 --> 00:01:21.439
Like many parents, he assumed this was a phase and things would just improve on their own.
00:01:21.680 --> 00:01:23.120
Now, let me be clear.
00:01:23.359 --> 00:01:31.200
If this arrangement is working for your family and it's a choice you're really happy with, well, I'm not suggesting you change it, not at all.
00:01:31.359 --> 00:01:32.719
Every family's different.
00:01:33.040 --> 00:01:41.040
This episode is for families who find themselves stuck in their child's room and would really like to get back into their own bed.
00:01:41.280 --> 00:01:46.959
Now, if that's you, I want you to know this is an absolutely solvable problem.
00:01:47.280 --> 00:02:04.799
I've worked with many families who felt trapped in a bedtime arrangement they never intended to create, and I've seen how quickly things can change once parents understand that it can be solved without huge tears and pantrums by gently weaning out of the current sleep habits.
00:02:05.040 --> 00:02:08.639
Now we'll talk about that more at the end of today's episode.
00:02:08.879 --> 00:02:13.280
But you see, it's easy to understand how this situation develops.
00:02:13.439 --> 00:02:18.879
You're exhausted, frustrated, and probably feel like you've tried everything.
00:02:19.120 --> 00:02:21.680
Maybe you've told yourself it's just a phase.
00:02:21.840 --> 00:02:24.960
Maybe you're hoping your child will eventually outgrow it.
00:02:25.199 --> 00:02:32.000
Or maybe you're worried that making a change will lead to tears and frustration and even less sleep.
00:02:32.240 --> 00:02:38.879
Well, one thing that surprises parents is how quickly one night turns into a difficult habit to break.
00:02:39.039 --> 00:02:52.639
Not because anyone intended it to, but because when something helps everyone get more sleep, it feels completely reasonable to do it again and again and again, and then again the next night, and then again the night after that.
00:02:52.879 --> 00:02:58.159
And this is reinforced because it means you can skip fighting and get more sleep.
00:02:58.319 --> 00:03:00.879
But here's a common misconception.
00:03:01.199 --> 00:03:10.560
Many parents end up sleeping in their child's room for months or even years because they assume the situation will eventually resolve on its own.
00:03:10.719 --> 00:03:19.439
And that's why I decided to create this episode, to help you realize that most sleep habits don't change without your help.
00:03:19.680 --> 00:03:20.800
Think about Michael.
00:03:20.960 --> 00:03:25.120
Every night he slept in his son's room, both of them were learning something.
00:03:25.360 --> 00:03:34.960
His son was learning that dad was part of the falling asleep and staying asleep routine, and dad was needed to get back to sleep after the middle of the night wakeups.
00:03:35.120 --> 00:03:40.719
And at the same time, Michael was learning that his presence was needed to get sleep.
00:03:40.960 --> 00:03:49.439
Michael thought he was buying time until his son was ready, but each night the same pattern was actually getting further reinforced.
00:03:49.680 --> 00:04:02.080
And that's why these situations can become so difficult to change, not because anyone did anything wrong, not because the child is stubborn, and actually not because the child is a bad sleeper.
00:04:02.400 --> 00:04:05.199
We all have falling asleep routines.
00:04:05.360 --> 00:04:08.400
Maybe you grab your pillow and roll on to your side.
00:04:08.639 --> 00:04:13.439
My husband needs to read The Economist for 10 to 20 minutes before falling asleep.
00:04:13.680 --> 00:04:19.519
And this little guy had learned to rely on his dad rubbing his back to help him nod off.
00:04:19.759 --> 00:04:24.160
Now a week becomes a year when we wait for our kids to make a change.
00:04:24.399 --> 00:04:37.120
Let's say that stomach bug that lasted four days, or the vacation that lasted a week, or the new sibling eventually stopped being brand new, and six months later you're still lying beside your child while they fall asleep.
00:04:37.439 --> 00:04:41.519
At that point, you're not really dealing with the original issue anymore.
00:04:41.759 --> 00:04:43.680
And this comes in so many forms.
00:04:43.920 --> 00:04:52.879
For instance, Penny, another patient, told me that when they stopped using the sleep sack, their little three-year-old Ginny discovered she could jump out of her bed.
00:04:53.040 --> 00:05:04.399
And after a week of no sleep, her dad just pulled the mattress into the room and slept next to Ginny because they were too tired to do anything else, and it's so understandable that this happens.
00:05:04.720 --> 00:05:10.399
He thought that because Ginny had been such a good sleeper, things would go back to normal soon.
00:05:10.639 --> 00:05:17.600
But weeks turned into months, and before long, sleeping next to Dad, it wasn't the exception anymore.
00:05:17.839 --> 00:05:19.360
It was bedtime.
00:05:19.680 --> 00:05:24.319
The problem is that children form new habits remarkably quickly.
00:05:24.560 --> 00:05:27.759
It can be just a few nights before a new habit is formed.
00:05:27.920 --> 00:05:34.639
Parents are often waiting for a child to outgrow a situation that the child has already completely adapted to.
00:05:34.800 --> 00:05:37.360
From the child's perspective, nothing's wrong.
00:05:37.519 --> 00:05:40.639
The arrangement is working exactly as expected.
00:05:40.879 --> 00:05:44.480
And that's why time alone doesn't always solve these problems.
00:05:44.720 --> 00:05:50.720
If the bedtime routine stays the same, the expectation often stays the same too.
00:05:50.879 --> 00:05:53.279
And this is where I think many parents get stuck.
00:05:53.439 --> 00:05:56.720
They keep asking, when will my child grow out of this?
00:05:57.040 --> 00:06:03.519
Not realizing that it's our job to change the patterns, routines, or habits that aren't working.
00:06:03.759 --> 00:06:07.439
Waiting for your child to change isn't really a strategy.
00:06:07.759 --> 00:06:14.480
Waiting for a stage to pass typically doesn't work because it's no longer a stage, it's the norm.
00:06:14.879 --> 00:06:18.399
The good news is that patterns can be changed.
00:06:18.639 --> 00:06:23.279
The question isn't whether your child is capable of learning a new way to fall asleep.
00:06:23.439 --> 00:06:28.560
The question is how to help them learn it without turning bedtime into a battle.
00:06:28.720 --> 00:06:31.040
But kids are incredibly adaptable.
00:06:31.199 --> 00:06:34.959
The same way they learned one sleep routine, they can learn a new one.
00:06:35.120 --> 00:06:38.560
And the challenge isn't deciding whether you want to make a change.
00:06:38.800 --> 00:06:40.560
Most parents already know that.
00:06:40.879 --> 00:06:46.160
The challenge is figuring out how to make a change in a way that feels right to you.
00:06:46.399 --> 00:06:52.480
Because for many parents, the thought of changing bedtime creates a whole new set of worries.
00:06:52.720 --> 00:06:54.319
Will my child be upset?
00:06:54.560 --> 00:06:56.000
Will they feel abandoned?
00:06:56.240 --> 00:06:58.319
Will bedtime become a battle?
00:06:58.639 --> 00:07:03.360
Can I help my child become more independent without damaging our connection?
00:07:03.600 --> 00:07:06.079
And the answer is yes.
00:07:06.480 --> 00:07:13.600
You don't have to choose between supporting your child emotionally and helping them learn to fall asleep without you.
00:07:13.839 --> 00:07:17.759
In fact, the most successful approaches do both.
00:07:18.000 --> 00:07:24.240
When you stay emotionally connected through the entire process, your child doesn't feel abandoned.
00:07:24.399 --> 00:07:25.839
They feel supported.
00:07:26.079 --> 00:07:29.920
And that's why it takes a few weeks instead of a few nights.
00:07:30.160 --> 00:07:33.600
And most parents, they tell me it's completely worth it.
00:07:33.839 --> 00:07:36.240
So here's one thing you can do tonight.
00:07:36.480 --> 00:07:39.360
Make one tiny shift in your routine.
00:07:39.680 --> 00:07:40.480
Just one.
00:07:40.639 --> 00:07:45.600
If you usually rub your child's back, try just resting your hand there instead.
00:07:45.920 --> 00:07:51.519
The child will feel the warmth, they'll feel your present, but it'll just be a little less active.
00:07:51.759 --> 00:07:54.800
If you lie down with your child, try sitting up.
00:07:54.959 --> 00:07:55.759
And that's it.
00:07:56.000 --> 00:07:58.800
You're not solving the whole thing in one night.
00:07:58.959 --> 00:08:02.560
You're just starting to move, to inch things forward.
00:08:02.720 --> 00:08:04.879
And that matters more than you think.
00:08:05.120 --> 00:08:08.959
Because here's what I know after 40 years of working with families.
00:08:09.199 --> 00:08:14.079
The parents who make it to the other side aren't the ones who found a perfect plan.
00:08:14.319 --> 00:08:18.079
They're the ones who made one small shift and kept going.
00:08:18.319 --> 00:08:31.439
Now, if this idea of slowly, gently weaning out of the current routine resonates with you, that's exactly what my 18-minute workshop, Help Your Child Fall Asleep Without You, it's all about.
00:08:31.839 --> 00:08:39.279
I'll walk you through the full process, step by step, in a way that stays kind and connected the whole way through.
00:08:39.519 --> 00:08:46.639
In fact, I give you two different sleep routines so you can choose whichever one is the best fit for you and your family.
00:08:46.799 --> 00:08:49.679
And you'll find all the details in the show notes.
00:08:49.919 --> 00:08:55.519
I'm wishing you all sweet dreams, keep up the good work, and I'll see you next week.
00:00:06.000 --> 00:00:08.240
Welcome to toddlers Made Easy.
00:00:08.400 --> 00:00:09.039
I'm Dr.
00:00:09.119 --> 00:00:16.719
Catherine, your host, and today we're talking about a common problem that sneaks up and it can last for years.
00:00:16.960 --> 00:00:25.920
I'm talking about how sleeping in your child's room often starts as a short-term solution but can quickly become the new normal.
00:00:26.160 --> 00:00:28.719
Here's what happened with a parent in my practice.
00:00:28.960 --> 00:00:31.839
Michael told me bedtime had gotten really hard.
00:00:32.000 --> 00:00:38.079
His little guy was struggling to fall asleep and waking during the night, and everyone was exhausted.
00:00:38.320 --> 00:00:42.880
So one night, Michael decided he'd just sleep in his son's room, just for tonight.
00:00:43.119 --> 00:00:48.159
He figured everyone needed a good night's sleep and they'd deal with the bigger issue later.
00:00:48.399 --> 00:00:52.000
Now, fast forward a year and Michael's still sleeping there.
00:00:52.240 --> 00:00:54.960
Not occasionally, every single night.
00:00:55.119 --> 00:01:01.840
What started as a one night solution had quietly and quickly become the family's new normal.
00:01:02.079 --> 00:01:05.040
And here's what's so interesting about Michael's story.
00:01:05.280 --> 00:01:08.480
He never planned to spend a year sleeping in his son's room.
00:01:08.719 --> 00:01:15.599
In fact, if you'd asked him on that first night how long he'd be there, he probably would have laughed at the idea of a year.
00:01:15.840 --> 00:01:21.439
Like many parents, he assumed this was a phase and things would just improve on their own.
00:01:21.680 --> 00:01:23.120
Now, let me be clear.
00:01:23.359 --> 00:01:31.200
If this arrangement is working for your family and it's a choice you're really happy with, well, I'm not suggesting you change it, not at all.
00:01:31.359 --> 00:01:32.719
Every family's different.
00:01:33.040 --> 00:01:41.040
This episode is for families who find themselves stuck in their child's room and would really like to get back into their own bed.
00:01:41.280 --> 00:01:46.959
Now, if that's you, I want you to know this is an absolutely solvable problem.
00:01:47.280 --> 00:02:04.799
I've worked with many families who felt trapped in a bedtime arrangement they never intended to create, and I've seen how quickly things can change once parents understand that it can be solved without huge tears and pantrums by gently weaning out of the current sleep habits.
00:02:05.040 --> 00:02:08.639
Now we'll talk about that more at the end of today's episode.
00:02:08.879 --> 00:02:13.280
But you see, it's easy to understand how this situation develops.
00:02:13.439 --> 00:02:18.879
You're exhausted, frustrated, and probably feel like you've tried everything.
00:02:19.120 --> 00:02:21.680
Maybe you've told yourself it's just a phase.
00:02:21.840 --> 00:02:24.960
Maybe you're hoping your child will eventually outgrow it.
00:02:25.199 --> 00:02:32.000
Or maybe you're worried that making a change will lead to tears and frustration and even less sleep.
00:02:32.240 --> 00:02:38.879
Well, one thing that surprises parents is how quickly one night turns into a difficult habit to break.
00:02:39.039 --> 00:02:52.639
Not because anyone intended it to, but because when something helps everyone get more sleep, it feels completely reasonable to do it again and again and again, and then again the next night, and then again the night after that.
00:02:52.879 --> 00:02:58.159
And this is reinforced because it means you can skip fighting and get more sleep.
00:02:58.319 --> 00:03:00.879
But here's a common misconception.
00:03:01.199 --> 00:03:10.560
Many parents end up sleeping in their child's room for months or even years because they assume the situation will eventually resolve on its own.
00:03:10.719 --> 00:03:19.439
And that's why I decided to create this episode, to help you realize that most sleep habits don't change without your help.
00:03:19.680 --> 00:03:20.800
Think about Michael.
00:03:20.960 --> 00:03:25.120
Every night he slept in his son's room, both of them were learning something.
00:03:25.360 --> 00:03:34.960
His son was learning that dad was part of the falling asleep and staying asleep routine, and dad was needed to get back to sleep after the middle of the night wakeups.
00:03:35.120 --> 00:03:40.719
And at the same time, Michael was learning that his presence was needed to get sleep.
00:03:40.960 --> 00:03:49.439
Michael thought he was buying time until his son was ready, but each night the same pattern was actually getting further reinforced.
00:03:49.680 --> 00:04:02.080
And that's why these situations can become so difficult to change, not because anyone did anything wrong, not because the child is stubborn, and actually not because the child is a bad sleeper.
00:04:02.400 --> 00:04:05.199
We all have falling asleep routines.
00:04:05.360 --> 00:04:08.400
Maybe you grab your pillow and roll on to your side.
00:04:08.639 --> 00:04:13.439
My husband needs to read The Economist for 10 to 20 minutes before falling asleep.
00:04:13.680 --> 00:04:19.519
And this little guy had learned to rely on his dad rubbing his back to help him nod off.
00:04:19.759 --> 00:04:24.160
Now a week becomes a year when we wait for our kids to make a change.
00:04:24.399 --> 00:04:37.120
Let's say that stomach bug that lasted four days, or the vacation that lasted a week, or the new sibling eventually stopped being brand new, and six months later you're still lying beside your child while they fall asleep.
00:04:37.439 --> 00:04:41.519
At that point, you're not really dealing with the original issue anymore.
00:04:41.759 --> 00:04:43.680
And this comes in so many forms.
00:04:43.920 --> 00:04:52.879
For instance, Penny, another patient, told me that when they stopped using the sleep sack, their little three-year-old Ginny discovered she could jump out of her bed.
00:04:53.040 --> 00:05:04.399
And after a week of no sleep, her dad just pulled the mattress into the room and slept next to Ginny because they were too tired to do anything else, and it's so understandable that this happens.
00:05:04.720 --> 00:05:10.399
He thought that because Ginny had been such a good sleeper, things would go back to normal soon.
00:05:10.639 --> 00:05:17.600
But weeks turned into months, and before long, sleeping next to Dad, it wasn't the exception anymore.
00:05:17.839 --> 00:05:19.360
It was bedtime.
00:05:19.680 --> 00:05:24.319
The problem is that children form new habits remarkably quickly.
00:05:24.560 --> 00:05:27.759
It can be just a few nights before a new habit is formed.
00:05:27.920 --> 00:05:34.639
Parents are often waiting for a child to outgrow a situation that the child has already completely adapted to.
00:05:34.800 --> 00:05:37.360
From the child's perspective, nothing's wrong.
00:05:37.519 --> 00:05:40.639
The arrangement is working exactly as expected.
00:05:40.879 --> 00:05:44.480
And that's why time alone doesn't always solve these problems.
00:05:44.720 --> 00:05:50.720
If the bedtime routine stays the same, the expectation often stays the same too.
00:05:50.879 --> 00:05:53.279
And this is where I think many parents get stuck.
00:05:53.439 --> 00:05:56.720
They keep asking, when will my child grow out of this?
00:05:57.040 --> 00:06:03.519
Not realizing that it's our job to change the patterns, routines, or habits that aren't working.
00:06:03.759 --> 00:06:07.439
Waiting for your child to change isn't really a strategy.
00:06:07.759 --> 00:06:14.480
Waiting for a stage to pass typically doesn't work because it's no longer a stage, it's the norm.
00:06:14.879 --> 00:06:18.399
The good news is that patterns can be changed.
00:06:18.639 --> 00:06:23.279
The question isn't whether your child is capable of learning a new way to fall asleep.
00:06:23.439 --> 00:06:28.560
The question is how to help them learn it without turning bedtime into a battle.
00:06:28.720 --> 00:06:31.040
But kids are incredibly adaptable.
00:06:31.199 --> 00:06:34.959
The same way they learned one sleep routine, they can learn a new one.
00:06:35.120 --> 00:06:38.560
And the challenge isn't deciding whether you want to make a change.
00:06:38.800 --> 00:06:40.560
Most parents already know that.
00:06:40.879 --> 00:06:46.160
The challenge is figuring out how to make a change in a way that feels right to you.
00:06:46.399 --> 00:06:52.480
Because for many parents, the thought of changing bedtime creates a whole new set of worries.
00:06:52.720 --> 00:06:54.319
Will my child be upset?
00:06:54.560 --> 00:06:56.000
Will they feel abandoned?
00:06:56.240 --> 00:06:58.319
Will bedtime become a battle?
00:06:58.639 --> 00:07:03.360
Can I help my child become more independent without damaging our connection?
00:07:03.600 --> 00:07:06.079
And the answer is yes.
00:07:06.480 --> 00:07:13.600
You don't have to choose between supporting your child emotionally and helping them learn to fall asleep without you.
00:07:13.839 --> 00:07:17.759
In fact, the most successful approaches do both.
00:07:18.000 --> 00:07:24.240
When you stay emotionally connected through the entire process, your child doesn't feel abandoned.
00:07:24.399 --> 00:07:25.839
They feel supported.
00:07:26.079 --> 00:07:29.920
And that's why it takes a few weeks instead of a few nights.
00:07:30.160 --> 00:07:33.600
And most parents, they tell me it's completely worth it.
00:07:33.839 --> 00:07:36.240
So here's one thing you can do tonight.
00:07:36.480 --> 00:07:39.360
Make one tiny shift in your routine.
00:07:39.680 --> 00:07:40.480
Just one.
00:07:40.639 --> 00:07:45.600
If you usually rub your child's back, try just resting your hand there instead.
00:07:45.920 --> 00:07:51.519
The child will feel the warmth, they'll feel your present, but it'll just be a little less active.
00:07:51.759 --> 00:07:54.800
If you lie down with your child, try sitting up.
00:07:54.959 --> 00:07:55.759
And that's it.
00:07:56.000 --> 00:07:58.800
You're not solving the whole thing in one night.
00:07:58.959 --> 00:08:02.560
You're just starting to move, to inch things forward.
00:08:02.720 --> 00:08:04.879
And that matters more than you think.
00:08:05.120 --> 00:08:08.959
Because here's what I know after 40 years of working with families.
00:08:09.199 --> 00:08:14.079
The parents who make it to the other side aren't the ones who found a perfect plan.
00:08:14.319 --> 00:08:18.079
They're the ones who made one small shift and kept going.
00:08:18.319 --> 00:08:31.439
Now, if this idea of slowly, gently weaning out of the current routine resonates with you, that's exactly what my 18-minute workshop, Help Your Child Fall Asleep Without You, it's all about.
00:08:31.839 --> 00:08:39.279
I'll walk you through the full process, step by step, in a way that stays kind and connected the whole way through.
00:08:39.519 --> 00:08:46.639
In fact, I give you two different sleep routines so you can choose whichever one is the best fit for you and your family.
00:08:46.799 --> 00:08:49.679
And you'll find all the details in the show notes.
00:08:49.919 --> 00:08:55.519
I'm wishing you all sweet dreams, keep up the good work, and I'll see you next week.
