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Hello, everybody, and welcome back to the Parent Whisperer Podcast.
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I'm Richard Ramos, your host.
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And one of the things I've run into in Parents on a Mission and all the different families and parents that we work with is sometimes parents will have what's called a strong-willed child.
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Or some, if you want to call it stubborn, or if you want to call it rebellious, whatever it is, the issue is it's a challenge.
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And sometimes parents are trying this and they're trying that.
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Maybe there's been a lot of discipline and then more discipline, and then maybe a counselor.
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But the bottom line is it is a challenge, it's not easy.
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I've been through that myself.
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So we teach there's something in Parents on a Mission that we teach to help parents through that.
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Now, when I first was dealing with this issue with parents, I did not know what to tell them what to do.
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I was a young parent at the time, but dealing with a strong-willed child, somebody who's just, you know, in in street language, you're just a hard head and they don't want to cooperate, and you're trying to do all these things and it's just not working.
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So then what do you do?
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So I implemented this strategy that I call the farmer role.
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And today I have a couple on that I want to bring onto the show who have experienced this, and luckily they've come through this, but they're on the other side of it now, or so to speak, the harvest has come.
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But what I want to talk about is a little bit is about what that process was.
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So today I have Richard and Shanna Morales, they're from Colorado Springs, Colorado.
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Welcome to the show, guys.
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Hey, thank you so much, Richard.
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Happy to join you again.
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So, yeah, let's talk about it.
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I remember receiving your email, and that was a few years ago.
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And I was just so touched by this email that you sent me, because we're just doing the work, you're doing the work, you're doing the work.
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But then when you receive an email or a letter like the one you sent me, it was just so rewarding.
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But I know the pain you went through.
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Whichever one of you wants to start, well, how did it go?
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And what was that process like?
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I think as you pointed out, that that letter that I wanted to share with you, because so much of getting through the difficult times was leaning into a lot of the principles that you teach on parents on a mission, because it was absolutely the farmer's role.
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It was all the tilling, it was all the weeding, it was all the stuff that feels like a lot of labor, but getting that labor, getting that letter just really felt like the fruit was there.
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When that letter was just specific to my son who went into the army, received a commendation, and it was a significant commendation of him and the training that he was doing, his presence, his professionalism, and he was presenting in front of generals.
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And so for us to be thinking, oh man, this kid couldn't make his bed, and now he's doing these things, and we're just like, wow, you do it.
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May not come in your time, but sometimes you just have to trust the principles and know that that fruit will come.
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Yeah, and just for those of you who aren't familiar with what I mean by farmer's role, very quickly, what does a farmer have to do?
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They it's hard work, they gotta plow the land year after year, they gotta seed it, they got to water and cultivate it, and then they gotta wait the patient part for the harvest.
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So that's why I call it the farmer's role.
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So, Shannon, what was that waiting period like for you?
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Yeah, it was it was challenging and frustrating sometimes because you're waiting for the change or you're feel like you're taking one step forward, two steps back.
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And really that waiting period is tough and it's tough to be patient and have this hope that things will adjust in the future.
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And it's tough to really be consistent.
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Sometimes the wait is long, and you have to, even if you're tired and frustrated and disappointed and struggling with those things, that you just know that if you keep being consistent and moving forward, it you'll get there.
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It is, but the waiting it's tough.
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It's a tough, it's a tough period.
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It's a chance, I would say, for growth as a parent as well.
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Yeah, I know I've been through it myself.
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And sometimes backslide to the old being just wanting to I want that fruit right now.
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But I learned a lot of this stuff from as Stephen Covey, and he would always say, You can't pull up the roots to see how the plant is doing.
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And it's so true because it's hard, and sometimes I would just get so angry, like, why aren't you getting this?
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This is just like A B C stuff, but you guys know what that's like.
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Absolutely.
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I think I just want to point out with Shannon is yeah, it was that opportunity to work on ourselves because that was the only thing at the end of the day I had control over.
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That's right.
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Instead of reacting, how am I responding?
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Because it wasn't just about one child, we had two other children.
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So, kind of what are we role modeling and demonstrating in those moments, but also knowing that when those children were kind of getting a little off track, not to overreact.
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Yeah, and so they're not getting some of the other child's frustration that we're having with this other child.
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So it was you really have to check in with yourself, and it's hard.
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And you we didn't always get it right, but I think part of the things you said, the power of the apology.
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When I didn't get it right, go to the child and say, Hey, you know what?
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I was really frustrated and I shouldn't have yelled at you like that.
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That wasn't that big a deal.
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I'm sorry, and that took care of a lot of stuff.
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I was really surprised.
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Yeah, so all of you listening out there, Richard just touched on two key points that this is really the main point that we try to get across to mom and dad.
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It's about us, it's about working on ourselves.
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Because as Richard said, ultimately you can't control your kids.
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That's not what this is about.
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You could kind of control them if you when they're little, you can kind of bribe them or or threaten them.
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But when they get older, that stuff doesn't work.
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So, really, what it comes down to is me.
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What am I doing, maybe that's adding to this problem?
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And that that really is the crux of it.
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The second thing he said was apologizing.
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What a concept.
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This is not hard.
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The idea of it, the concept to do it though, so isn't is it isn't always easy to admit as the dad, the parent, the mom, okay, you know what?
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I need to go to their room, knock on the door, what whatever, and say, Hey, I'm sorry.
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So Shannon, I'm sure you've been oh, and third before you answer Shannon, the other thing is you have two younger kids and they're watching this and they're learning and they're hearing.
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So anyway.
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What did you feel about that, Shannon?
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Was or maybe did Richard do all the apologizing?
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Wait, no, it was a challenge.
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I think it the apologizing is so important, so key, because yeah, we're not perfect.
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I think as a mom, I think there's the frustration, but there's also the hurt when it's it can be hurtful, some of the behaviors and reactions on their part.
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And I think being able to say, yeah, that was hurtful to me, but they know I'm always gonna be here.
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So that's the important piece.
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I'm always gonna be here.
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It's hurtful, but and I'm gonna apologize when I get it wrong and modeling that and knowing that they may not hear the words, they may not listen to everything you're saying, but they're definitely paying attention to what your behaviors and what you're doing as more of a modeling thing.
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And I think that was a big piece for me was just doing the right thing versus the lectures or the saying this is what you need to do, those sorts of things.
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I think it's the modeling that finally got there in the end for us for sure, because now we're seeing almost the behaviors with our son's own children and how what a great dad he is.
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And it's that's really the farther fruit.
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That's even the next step is being able to say not only did we get through some of the challenges and relationship things that we needed to at the time, but now we're seeing the healthy behaviors and parenting that he's doing, and that's really uh that's the big, really big picture for us.
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Yeah, it really is.
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So now you're seeing the next generation.
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Um, and that that what I wanted to get to is now your son is a parent of three children.
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So now he's on the other side of it, and I'm sure he's getting a lot of revelation about oh, I guess my mom and dad were pretty smart after all, because now he's dealing with it.
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And but that's when you think about farmers, generation after they own the same basically the same land for generation after generation, they turn it over to the next generation and they to the next.
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Some families have had the farm for generations, and that's the same idea with our kids.
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Someday, hopefully, your grandkids will have kids, but they will take those same principles and it just keeps going.
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And I know that's um all of our hope that we create that that kind of atmosphere.
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So, Richard, how why or how was it that your son ended up in the military?
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What was that about?
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I think it he's super bright kid, great athlete, but at times it felt he was too cool for school.
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Just going through this, and he made choices that it got him to a point where he couldn't go to college.
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He didn't have the great, he was smart enough, he could work hard enough, but he didn't have the grades to go do all those things.
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So it was a trade school or the military, and he decided to go in the military, which was a great option for him.
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And what was the just a little bit more specific on the what you sent me, the award and what that was about?
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Yeah, when we went in, because he was looking at which military branch to go, so we're going to recruiters, and we're still there supporting him and trying to figure out what's best and talk about these decisions.
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And there was a test called the ASVAB to get in the military, and it scores and kind of like where you're at and what occupation you can go into.
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And Shannon was just so flustered with him because he scored off the charts.
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They were like, Oh, this score, you could do whatever you want.
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Yeah, that's frustrating.
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And so Shannon was just like, Are you serious?
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Are you kidding me?
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Struggling with graduating from high school.
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Yeah, you can't.
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Oh, yeah.
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We were still like yeah, he went to the military just a week, 10 days after he graduated high school.
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Yeah.
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So he was right there, but he went into military intelligence.
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So he was doing classified security clearance, he had all of these different things, and just doing the military intelligence he was doing.
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He was also training other people who were coming in and then going into the same occupation that he was in.
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But then they started cross-training different branches, so he'd go to a different military branch and then do do the training.
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But the commendation just really spoke to so many different things that you hope as a parent that the the world is is seeing and getting the benefit from.
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It was all in there.
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It was just great.
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Yeah, I remember reading it and all the different.
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If I'm reading that about my son, I think you were saying, like, who is this kid?
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Because you like Shannon, you're like you got you were frustrated because it's dude, you're not even passing your classes.
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What is going on?
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And then you get that thing, it's like the CEO, all this time, this is who you really are.
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But I think in fairness to him and in fairness to kids, sometimes school public schools, yeah, absolutely.
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Yeah, they're not talking about what these kids are passionate about.
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Yeah, yeah, I yeah, I think there's certainly something to that, and then just finding a different pathways forward and us keeping our mind frame and options open because we were both very much, oh, you go to college, that was the pathway.
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So we even had to back up and say, no, there's other pathways here that are really good, and even normalize some of those things and praise that.
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But wasn't that kind of all you can only get in the military, that's all you got?
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Because you could go to college.
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It was like, no, this is a great path.
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Be proud of this.
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Now, for some of you, let me just have a teaching moment here for some of you that are listening, you're saying, What is this?
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Richard, I'm in I'm in this situation, I'm pulling my hair out, my kid, my daughter, whatever.
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What is this farmer?
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What do I do?
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It's very simple.
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Plowing the land, I use that as a metaphor of confrontation.
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I mean, in in other words, the um land kind of represents the heart or the soil, which is the heart.
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And we can't just give up, which a lot of parents do.
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They just give up and throw their hands in the air, and I understand that.
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But what I'm saying, you just gotta keep confronting them on their behavior, you know, letting them know, hey, I know I can't control anymore what you're doing out there, but I just want you to know, son or daughter, I'm not approving of it.
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I don't I love you, but I don't like what you're doing.
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That does is it deals with their conscience.
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So when they're out there, they might be partying or doing whatever, but in their conscience, they hear the words, I don't like what you're doing.
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I love you, but what you're doing.
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So that's and that's just something you have to do.
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The seeds that we plant, those are our words, and that's so important.
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The message is the way we say things.
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So I had to learn how to say negative things in a positive way.
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Things like, son, this is not who you are.
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I believe in you, but not what you're doing.
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You're better than this.
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This is not the real you, and I would be saying things like that, constantly reminding him who he is.
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That's not that.
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Then the the cultivation, that's just every time you can uh give him affection.
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Maybe it's a birthday, maybe it's Christmas, high five, fist bump, anything like that.
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And then the watering part is affirmation, just words of affirmation, hey, good grades, or thank you for cleaning your room, or that that kind of thing.
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So that that's the process.
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But I'm interested now, you guys.
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So for all you parents out there, that that that's what we're talking about when we talk about the farming role, and it just takes time.
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But what I wanted to ask you is Connor now, is he seeking your does he come to you and seek your advice?
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Or how is that now that he's a parent?
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Yeah, him and his wife are amazing when they've got the the three young girls and their timer, they're just exasperated.
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And they'll come over and say, Oh my gosh, what would you guys do with this?
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And so having those conversations for us sometimes to say, hey, that's normal.
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It's not you doing something or not doing something, that that's okay.
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You're just gonna have to ride this one out.
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Don't make a bigger deal out of it than it is.
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So those kinds of things, but also what I really like is our family's really tight.
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So we're always around.
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Everybody has the same approach of here's our family values.
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And so the alignment as a family, when the kids are like acting up, it doesn't matter who you're talking to, they're kind of getting the same guidance.
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Hey, no, that that's not okay, or hey, great job, or our family, we don't do that, or yes, our family does that's great, and that is huge.
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As to have the voices speaking into their lives, no matter where they're going, yeah, they're kind of hearing the same thing.
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Yeah, that's really huge because you have a younger son who was a little younger than than Connor, and then you have a daughter, but now they're adults.
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So, like you said, that the uncle and the aunt can be very helpful.
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You guys all live close, and that's great.
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Uh Shannon, what about the fact that your son has three daughters?
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Like, is that play into the way he's you think he would be the way he is with boys, or how is that dynamic with him and three four girls, so his wife and three girls?
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Yeah, no, it's really fascinating to see it.
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I think we're all really adjusting to the girls, three girls and and that because lots of big feelings, yeah, a lot of big feelings, a lot of, and sometimes Connor, God love him, he's just this is a lot.
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It's just a lot of feelings, a lot of that sort of thing.
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So it's been really a good learning, I think for all of us, to be honest, on how to have big feelings and how to manage that and support it in a way that doesn't overtake everything, kind of thing, and finding that balance.
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So it's been really great to see that.
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And I think for our other kids too, just it's been fun to have everybody involved in that all together, just supporting everybody across the board, just to see the family members all step up and help and want to be there for everything has been really nice and the involvement with things and spending the time.
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So it's been good and very interesting to see the girl, all girls, the girl energy.
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Yes, it's yeah, it's fun.
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That's I I have three girls too.
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Yeah, so I know, but I have two boys, but you know, the it is.
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I don't know, Richard.
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Do you see any daddy girl favoritism there, or is it Papa Girl favoritism?
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No, the the girls love their daddy, just they love the time with him.
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Each it's different.
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That's pretty cool.
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One likes to rough house and wrest around, and one just wants the hugs, and it it's really cute to see this the different personalities and adjustments that's being made.
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But but definitely what times when they're all crying over something, you're like, What are you crying about?
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What is the big deal here?
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And one minute they're smiling, next minute they're crying.
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We're like, What happened?
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It was just big girl energy, and yeah, he does really well with that.
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Yeah.
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Yeah, that can be go ahead, Shannon.
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Yeah, I was just gonna say, and I think the other places we're really seeing it is the relationship with his wife and how amazing Ari is with the girls, the patience, the level, they just really balance each other out beautifully.
00:18:57.119 --> 00:19:02.240
And they met in high school, they were young and they're growing up together and growing up with the kids.
00:19:02.480 --> 00:19:05.279
I think that's been a huge piece as well.
00:19:05.519 --> 00:19:05.839
Yeah.
00:19:06.160 --> 00:19:19.920
So we're really proud of what they're doing, having children young, like we did, just and then growing and getting their careers going and their family and trying to balance all those things while maintaining relationship and all of that.
00:19:20.000 --> 00:19:22.960
So we're just it it's really impressive to see.
00:19:23.039 --> 00:19:24.240
And we know it's a challenge.
00:19:24.400 --> 00:19:36.160
We know how hard it is to do those things, and they're really that's a whole nother growth or I don't know, field that they're that is now really starting to bloom and blossom as well.
00:19:36.319 --> 00:19:44.559
And it's great to see that piece because it's hard enough grazing, but then maintaining relationships and and growing up together and all of those things.
00:19:44.640 --> 00:19:46.720
And they're really doing a beautiful job.
00:19:46.960 --> 00:19:54.799
Yeah, and getting on the same page for those types of things of having the conversations and checking in and you know, yeah, asking, hey, is this right?
00:19:54.880 --> 00:19:57.519
And all of the things you'd hope you would do as a parent.
00:19:57.599 --> 00:20:02.319
You're seeing that in them, or like, oh, they're ahead of us, you know, and in these ways.
00:20:02.559 --> 00:20:04.640
Yeah, yeah, that's right.
00:20:04.799 --> 00:20:06.559
That's right, and that's great to see.
00:20:06.640 --> 00:20:10.000
And I see that in my kids too at their age.
00:20:10.240 --> 00:20:14.960
I was not the parent that when I first started parenting, was not.
00:20:15.119 --> 00:20:17.039
It took time to grow.
00:20:17.440 --> 00:20:20.720
But listen, you guys are doing a great job.
00:20:20.799 --> 00:20:36.000
And I wanted to have you on because we know there are so many single moms, divorced parents, blended family, step parents, and especially if you when you're a step parent and if you have a stubborn child like that, it's not easy, man.
00:20:36.160 --> 00:20:41.119
It's hard when you're dealing with somebody who's not your biological, biological daughter or son.
00:20:41.759 --> 00:20:44.480
Even an extra, a little extra challenge there.
00:20:44.720 --> 00:20:49.279
But for those of you that are out there, the main thing I wanted you to get today was the hope.
00:20:49.599 --> 00:20:57.839
There is a process, but there is hope, and it's the persistence, the patience, and if you pray, that's what it takes.
00:20:58.000 --> 00:21:02.480
It's not easy, as Richard and Shannon have said, to wait for the harvest.
00:21:02.720 --> 00:21:13.279
But the thing about it is we have a law, it's called the law of the harvest, which means whatever you plant, that's what's gonna grow.
00:21:13.759 --> 00:21:21.519
Of course, there has to be the cultivation of that, which is the patience and doing things in the right way and apologizing and things like that.
00:21:21.759 --> 00:21:24.160
But the law of the harvest is on your side.
00:21:24.319 --> 00:21:30.640
As long as you continue to plant those seeds, cultivate those seeds, the day will come when you're gonna reap the fruit of it.
00:21:30.799 --> 00:21:32.640
I can speak to that personally.
00:21:32.799 --> 00:21:40.480
It's been a huge challenge for us and with one of our sons, but he the the blossom is there, you know.
00:21:40.559 --> 00:21:48.079
We're waiting for the actual fruit, but the leaves and the blossoms are all there, and so we know that we just have to keep doing what we're doing.
00:21:48.160 --> 00:21:52.799
So I want to encourage you in that, those of you that are listening, and Richard and Shannon.
00:21:52.880 --> 00:21:55.039
I really respect you guys, I love you guys.
00:21:55.119 --> 00:22:01.279
We've been friends a long time, so you know it's been wonderful for you guys to see our kids and us see your kids.
00:22:01.599 --> 00:22:05.759
Now you've seen my grandkids and great-grandkids, and we just keep this going.
00:22:06.079 --> 00:22:08.079
But I want to thank you for your time.
00:22:08.480 --> 00:22:25.759
And for those of you that are listening, sometimes when we listen to podcasts, we don't always subscribe, but it would be a huge favor to me if you would subscribe and share this episode if you know somebody, a friend or family that really could hear this message of hope that it does work.
00:22:25.920 --> 00:22:27.920
These principles do work.
00:22:28.960 --> 00:22:36.079
And as well, don't forget that I have free resources on my website, Richardrromels.com.
00:22:36.319 --> 00:22:39.200
You can go there, download those resources.
00:22:39.519 --> 00:22:45.119
My books are there, and you can get a free chapter if you want to test drive my books, whether or not you want to buy it.
00:22:45.279 --> 00:22:47.599
You can download a free chapter, check it out.
00:22:47.680 --> 00:22:59.359
And all of those resources are there for one reason, and that is we want to help turn your heart to your children because that turns the heart of them to you.
00:22:59.599 --> 00:23:09.039
And when you have that connection, that reconciliation, that wins the loyalty of your children, and that really is what we want to see happen.
00:23:09.200 --> 00:23:10.880
So, again, this is Richard Ramos.
00:23:11.200 --> 00:23:12.000
Thank you for listening.
00:23:12.079 --> 00:23:21.920
And remember, mom and dad, parents on a mission is not for bad parents, it's for good parents like you that want to get better.
00:23:22.240 --> 00:23:23.599
See you next time.
00:00:09.599 --> 00:00:13.039
Hello, everybody, and welcome back to the Parent Whisperer Podcast.
00:00:13.199 --> 00:00:15.439
I'm Richard Ramos, your host.
00:00:16.000 --> 00:00:28.079
And one of the things I've run into in Parents on a Mission and all the different families and parents that we work with is sometimes parents will have what's called a strong-willed child.
00:00:28.800 --> 00:00:36.640
Or some, if you want to call it stubborn, or if you want to call it rebellious, whatever it is, the issue is it's a challenge.
00:00:36.880 --> 00:00:40.000
And sometimes parents are trying this and they're trying that.
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Maybe there's been a lot of discipline and then more discipline, and then maybe a counselor.
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But the bottom line is it is a challenge, it's not easy.
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I've been through that myself.
00:00:51.840 --> 00:00:58.159
So we teach there's something in Parents on a Mission that we teach to help parents through that.
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Now, when I first was dealing with this issue with parents, I did not know what to tell them what to do.
00:01:04.239 --> 00:01:19.599
I was a young parent at the time, but dealing with a strong-willed child, somebody who's just, you know, in in street language, you're just a hard head and they don't want to cooperate, and you're trying to do all these things and it's just not working.
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So then what do you do?
00:01:21.680 --> 00:01:26.560
So I implemented this strategy that I call the farmer role.
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And today I have a couple on that I want to bring onto the show who have experienced this, and luckily they've come through this, but they're on the other side of it now, or so to speak, the harvest has come.
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But what I want to talk about is a little bit is about what that process was.
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So today I have Richard and Shanna Morales, they're from Colorado Springs, Colorado.
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Welcome to the show, guys.
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Hey, thank you so much, Richard.
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Happy to join you again.
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So, yeah, let's talk about it.
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I remember receiving your email, and that was a few years ago.
00:02:02.079 --> 00:02:09.439
And I was just so touched by this email that you sent me, because we're just doing the work, you're doing the work, you're doing the work.
00:02:09.680 --> 00:02:16.639
But then when you receive an email or a letter like the one you sent me, it was just so rewarding.
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But I know the pain you went through.
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Whichever one of you wants to start, well, how did it go?
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And what was that process like?
00:02:25.599 --> 00:02:38.479
I think as you pointed out, that that letter that I wanted to share with you, because so much of getting through the difficult times was leaning into a lot of the principles that you teach on parents on a mission, because it was absolutely the farmer's role.
00:02:38.639 --> 00:02:49.120
It was all the tilling, it was all the weeding, it was all the stuff that feels like a lot of labor, but getting that labor, getting that letter just really felt like the fruit was there.
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When that letter was just specific to my son who went into the army, received a commendation, and it was a significant commendation of him and the training that he was doing, his presence, his professionalism, and he was presenting in front of generals.
00:03:06.639 --> 00:03:14.960
And so for us to be thinking, oh man, this kid couldn't make his bed, and now he's doing these things, and we're just like, wow, you do it.
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May not come in your time, but sometimes you just have to trust the principles and know that that fruit will come.
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Yeah, and just for those of you who aren't familiar with what I mean by farmer's role, very quickly, what does a farmer have to do?
00:03:28.639 --> 00:03:38.719
They it's hard work, they gotta plow the land year after year, they gotta seed it, they got to water and cultivate it, and then they gotta wait the patient part for the harvest.
00:03:38.800 --> 00:03:40.879
So that's why I call it the farmer's role.
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So, Shannon, what was that waiting period like for you?
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Yeah, it was it was challenging and frustrating sometimes because you're waiting for the change or you're feel like you're taking one step forward, two steps back.
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And really that waiting period is tough and it's tough to be patient and have this hope that things will adjust in the future.
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And it's tough to really be consistent.
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Sometimes the wait is long, and you have to, even if you're tired and frustrated and disappointed and struggling with those things, that you just know that if you keep being consistent and moving forward, it you'll get there.
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It is, but the waiting it's tough.
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It's a tough, it's a tough period.
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It's a chance, I would say, for growth as a parent as well.
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Yeah, I know I've been through it myself.
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And sometimes backslide to the old being just wanting to I want that fruit right now.
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But I learned a lot of this stuff from as Stephen Covey, and he would always say, You can't pull up the roots to see how the plant is doing.
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And it's so true because it's hard, and sometimes I would just get so angry, like, why aren't you getting this?
00:05:00.160 --> 00:05:04.240
This is just like A B C stuff, but you guys know what that's like.
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Absolutely.
00:05:05.600 --> 00:05:13.279
I think I just want to point out with Shannon is yeah, it was that opportunity to work on ourselves because that was the only thing at the end of the day I had control over.
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That's right.
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Instead of reacting, how am I responding?
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Because it wasn't just about one child, we had two other children.
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So, kind of what are we role modeling and demonstrating in those moments, but also knowing that when those children were kind of getting a little off track, not to overreact.
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Yeah, and so they're not getting some of the other child's frustration that we're having with this other child.
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So it was you really have to check in with yourself, and it's hard.
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And you we didn't always get it right, but I think part of the things you said, the power of the apology.
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When I didn't get it right, go to the child and say, Hey, you know what?
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I was really frustrated and I shouldn't have yelled at you like that.
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That wasn't that big a deal.
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I'm sorry, and that took care of a lot of stuff.
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I was really surprised.
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Yeah, so all of you listening out there, Richard just touched on two key points that this is really the main point that we try to get across to mom and dad.
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It's about us, it's about working on ourselves.
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Because as Richard said, ultimately you can't control your kids.
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That's not what this is about.
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You could kind of control them if you when they're little, you can kind of bribe them or or threaten them.
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But when they get older, that stuff doesn't work.
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So, really, what it comes down to is me.
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What am I doing, maybe that's adding to this problem?
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And that that really is the crux of it.
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The second thing he said was apologizing.
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What a concept.
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This is not hard.
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The idea of it, the concept to do it though, so isn't is it isn't always easy to admit as the dad, the parent, the mom, okay, you know what?
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I need to go to their room, knock on the door, what whatever, and say, Hey, I'm sorry.
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So Shannon, I'm sure you've been oh, and third before you answer Shannon, the other thing is you have two younger kids and they're watching this and they're learning and they're hearing.
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So anyway.
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What did you feel about that, Shannon?
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Was or maybe did Richard do all the apologizing?
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Wait, no, it was a challenge.
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I think it the apologizing is so important, so key, because yeah, we're not perfect.
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I think as a mom, I think there's the frustration, but there's also the hurt when it's it can be hurtful, some of the behaviors and reactions on their part.
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And I think being able to say, yeah, that was hurtful to me, but they know I'm always gonna be here.
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So that's the important piece.
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I'm always gonna be here.
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It's hurtful, but and I'm gonna apologize when I get it wrong and modeling that and knowing that they may not hear the words, they may not listen to everything you're saying, but they're definitely paying attention to what your behaviors and what you're doing as more of a modeling thing.
00:08:03.519 --> 00:08:13.759
And I think that was a big piece for me was just doing the right thing versus the lectures or the saying this is what you need to do, those sorts of things.
00:08:13.839 --> 00:08:27.360
I think it's the modeling that finally got there in the end for us for sure, because now we're seeing almost the behaviors with our son's own children and how what a great dad he is.
00:08:27.519 --> 00:08:31.439
And it's that's really the farther fruit.
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That's even the next step is being able to say not only did we get through some of the challenges and relationship things that we needed to at the time, but now we're seeing the healthy behaviors and parenting that he's doing, and that's really uh that's the big, really big picture for us.
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Yeah, it really is.
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So now you're seeing the next generation.
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Um, and that that what I wanted to get to is now your son is a parent of three children.
00:09:03.600 --> 00:09:15.279
So now he's on the other side of it, and I'm sure he's getting a lot of revelation about oh, I guess my mom and dad were pretty smart after all, because now he's dealing with it.
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And but that's when you think about farmers, generation after they own the same basically the same land for generation after generation, they turn it over to the next generation and they to the next.
00:09:28.879 --> 00:09:35.679
Some families have had the farm for generations, and that's the same idea with our kids.
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Someday, hopefully, your grandkids will have kids, but they will take those same principles and it just keeps going.
00:09:44.799 --> 00:09:50.559
And I know that's um all of our hope that we create that that kind of atmosphere.
00:09:50.879 --> 00:09:57.919
So, Richard, how why or how was it that your son ended up in the military?
00:09:58.159 --> 00:09:59.279
What was that about?
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I think it he's super bright kid, great athlete, but at times it felt he was too cool for school.
00:10:06.879 --> 00:10:12.559
Just going through this, and he made choices that it got him to a point where he couldn't go to college.
00:10:12.639 --> 00:10:18.879
He didn't have the great, he was smart enough, he could work hard enough, but he didn't have the grades to go do all those things.
00:10:19.200 --> 00:10:25.360
So it was a trade school or the military, and he decided to go in the military, which was a great option for him.
00:10:25.679 --> 00:10:34.000
And what was the just a little bit more specific on the what you sent me, the award and what that was about?
00:10:34.720 --> 00:10:44.799
Yeah, when we went in, because he was looking at which military branch to go, so we're going to recruiters, and we're still there supporting him and trying to figure out what's best and talk about these decisions.
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And there was a test called the ASVAB to get in the military, and it scores and kind of like where you're at and what occupation you can go into.
00:10:52.320 --> 00:10:58.240
And Shannon was just so flustered with him because he scored off the charts.
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They were like, Oh, this score, you could do whatever you want.
00:11:01.519 --> 00:11:02.720
Yeah, that's frustrating.
00:11:03.200 --> 00:11:05.679
And so Shannon was just like, Are you serious?
00:11:05.840 --> 00:11:06.399
Are you kidding me?
00:11:06.799 --> 00:11:08.320
Struggling with graduating from high school.
00:11:08.480 --> 00:11:09.279
Yeah, you can't.
00:11:09.519 --> 00:11:09.840
Oh, yeah.
00:11:10.000 --> 00:11:15.440
We were still like yeah, he went to the military just a week, 10 days after he graduated high school.
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Yeah.
00:11:16.240 --> 00:11:19.600
So he was right there, but he went into military intelligence.
00:11:19.759 --> 00:11:27.360
So he was doing classified security clearance, he had all of these different things, and just doing the military intelligence he was doing.
00:11:27.519 --> 00:11:33.279
He was also training other people who were coming in and then going into the same occupation that he was in.
00:11:33.519 --> 00:11:41.440
But then they started cross-training different branches, so he'd go to a different military branch and then do do the training.
00:11:41.679 --> 00:11:51.360
But the commendation just really spoke to so many different things that you hope as a parent that the the world is is seeing and getting the benefit from.
00:11:51.519 --> 00:11:52.639
It was all in there.
00:11:52.799 --> 00:11:54.080
It was just great.
00:11:54.399 --> 00:11:56.799
Yeah, I remember reading it and all the different.
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If I'm reading that about my son, I think you were saying, like, who is this kid?
00:12:01.840 --> 00:12:10.399
Because you like Shannon, you're like you got you were frustrated because it's dude, you're not even passing your classes.
00:12:10.480 --> 00:12:11.120
What is going on?
00:12:11.200 --> 00:12:17.200
And then you get that thing, it's like the CEO, all this time, this is who you really are.
00:12:17.360 --> 00:12:22.960
But I think in fairness to him and in fairness to kids, sometimes school public schools, yeah, absolutely.
00:12:23.279 --> 00:12:27.120
Yeah, they're not talking about what these kids are passionate about.
00:12:27.600 --> 00:12:40.320
Yeah, yeah, I yeah, I think there's certainly something to that, and then just finding a different pathways forward and us keeping our mind frame and options open because we were both very much, oh, you go to college, that was the pathway.
00:12:40.399 --> 00:12:47.840
So we even had to back up and say, no, there's other pathways here that are really good, and even normalize some of those things and praise that.
00:12:48.000 --> 00:12:51.120
But wasn't that kind of all you can only get in the military, that's all you got?
00:12:51.200 --> 00:12:52.000
Because you could go to college.
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It was like, no, this is a great path.
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Be proud of this.
00:12:56.240 --> 00:13:02.639
Now, for some of you, let me just have a teaching moment here for some of you that are listening, you're saying, What is this?
00:13:02.799 --> 00:13:09.039
Richard, I'm in I'm in this situation, I'm pulling my hair out, my kid, my daughter, whatever.
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What is this farmer?
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What do I do?
00:13:12.480 --> 00:13:13.919
It's very simple.
00:13:14.480 --> 00:13:18.960
Plowing the land, I use that as a metaphor of confrontation.
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I mean, in in other words, the um land kind of represents the heart or the soil, which is the heart.
00:13:26.320 --> 00:13:31.279
And we can't just give up, which a lot of parents do.
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They just give up and throw their hands in the air, and I understand that.
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But what I'm saying, you just gotta keep confronting them on their behavior, you know, letting them know, hey, I know I can't control anymore what you're doing out there, but I just want you to know, son or daughter, I'm not approving of it.
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I don't I love you, but I don't like what you're doing.
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That does is it deals with their conscience.
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So when they're out there, they might be partying or doing whatever, but in their conscience, they hear the words, I don't like what you're doing.
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I love you, but what you're doing.
00:14:06.639 --> 00:14:09.679
So that's and that's just something you have to do.
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The seeds that we plant, those are our words, and that's so important.
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The message is the way we say things.
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So I had to learn how to say negative things in a positive way.
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Things like, son, this is not who you are.
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I believe in you, but not what you're doing.
00:14:25.279 --> 00:14:26.480
You're better than this.
00:14:26.879 --> 00:14:34.159
This is not the real you, and I would be saying things like that, constantly reminding him who he is.
00:14:34.960 --> 00:14:36.240
That's not that.
00:14:36.720 --> 00:14:42.320
Then the the cultivation, that's just every time you can uh give him affection.
00:14:42.559 --> 00:14:47.519
Maybe it's a birthday, maybe it's Christmas, high five, fist bump, anything like that.
00:14:47.759 --> 00:14:57.120
And then the watering part is affirmation, just words of affirmation, hey, good grades, or thank you for cleaning your room, or that that kind of thing.
00:14:57.279 --> 00:14:58.879
So that that's the process.
00:14:59.120 --> 00:15:01.120
But I'm interested now, you guys.
00:15:01.360 --> 00:15:07.679
So for all you parents out there, that that that's what we're talking about when we talk about the farming role, and it just takes time.
00:15:07.759 --> 00:15:18.159
But what I wanted to ask you is Connor now, is he seeking your does he come to you and seek your advice?
00:15:18.320 --> 00:15:20.399
Or how is that now that he's a parent?
00:15:20.960 --> 00:15:28.080
Yeah, him and his wife are amazing when they've got the the three young girls and their timer, they're just exasperated.
00:15:28.159 --> 00:15:31.759
And they'll come over and say, Oh my gosh, what would you guys do with this?
00:15:32.320 --> 00:15:36.960
And so having those conversations for us sometimes to say, hey, that's normal.
00:15:37.279 --> 00:15:40.879
It's not you doing something or not doing something, that that's okay.
00:15:41.039 --> 00:15:42.399
You're just gonna have to ride this one out.
00:15:42.480 --> 00:15:44.480
Don't make a bigger deal out of it than it is.
00:15:44.799 --> 00:15:50.320
So those kinds of things, but also what I really like is our family's really tight.
00:15:50.399 --> 00:15:51.919
So we're always around.
00:15:52.240 --> 00:15:56.080
Everybody has the same approach of here's our family values.
00:15:56.240 --> 00:16:04.240
And so the alignment as a family, when the kids are like acting up, it doesn't matter who you're talking to, they're kind of getting the same guidance.
00:16:04.399 --> 00:16:13.440
Hey, no, that that's not okay, or hey, great job, or our family, we don't do that, or yes, our family does that's great, and that is huge.
00:16:13.759 --> 00:16:20.480
As to have the voices speaking into their lives, no matter where they're going, yeah, they're kind of hearing the same thing.
00:16:20.720 --> 00:16:29.120
Yeah, that's really huge because you have a younger son who was a little younger than than Connor, and then you have a daughter, but now they're adults.
00:16:29.279 --> 00:16:32.480
So, like you said, that the uncle and the aunt can be very helpful.
00:16:32.559 --> 00:16:34.639
You guys all live close, and that's great.
00:16:34.720 --> 00:16:38.480
Uh Shannon, what about the fact that your son has three daughters?
00:16:38.720 --> 00:16:50.320
Like, is that play into the way he's you think he would be the way he is with boys, or how is that dynamic with him and three four girls, so his wife and three girls?
00:16:50.639 --> 00:16:53.600
Yeah, no, it's really fascinating to see it.
00:16:53.679 --> 00:17:05.759
I think we're all really adjusting to the girls, three girls and and that because lots of big feelings, yeah, a lot of big feelings, a lot of, and sometimes Connor, God love him, he's just this is a lot.
00:17:05.839 --> 00:17:08.160
It's just a lot of feelings, a lot of that sort of thing.
00:17:08.319 --> 00:17:22.240
So it's been really a good learning, I think for all of us, to be honest, on how to have big feelings and how to manage that and support it in a way that doesn't overtake everything, kind of thing, and finding that balance.
00:17:22.640 --> 00:17:24.559
So it's been really great to see that.
00:17:24.720 --> 00:17:44.000
And I think for our other kids too, just it's been fun to have everybody involved in that all together, just supporting everybody across the board, just to see the family members all step up and help and want to be there for everything has been really nice and the involvement with things and spending the time.
00:17:44.079 --> 00:17:50.160
So it's been good and very interesting to see the girl, all girls, the girl energy.
00:17:50.319 --> 00:17:52.079
Yes, it's yeah, it's fun.
00:17:52.640 --> 00:17:55.119
That's I I have three girls too.
00:17:56.079 --> 00:18:00.079
Yeah, so I know, but I have two boys, but you know, the it is.
00:18:00.240 --> 00:18:01.440
I don't know, Richard.
00:18:01.519 --> 00:18:07.759
Do you see any daddy girl favoritism there, or is it Papa Girl favoritism?
00:18:08.160 --> 00:18:12.079
No, the the girls love their daddy, just they love the time with him.
00:18:12.240 --> 00:18:13.680
Each it's different.
00:18:14.160 --> 00:18:15.039
That's pretty cool.
00:18:15.279 --> 00:18:25.759
One likes to rough house and wrest around, and one just wants the hugs, and it it's really cute to see this the different personalities and adjustments that's being made.
00:18:26.079 --> 00:18:32.240
But but definitely what times when they're all crying over something, you're like, What are you crying about?
00:18:32.400 --> 00:18:33.519
What is the big deal here?
00:18:33.599 --> 00:18:35.839
And one minute they're smiling, next minute they're crying.
00:18:36.000 --> 00:18:36.880
We're like, What happened?
00:18:36.960 --> 00:18:40.799
It was just big girl energy, and yeah, he does really well with that.
00:18:40.960 --> 00:18:41.279
Yeah.
00:18:41.519 --> 00:18:43.279
Yeah, that can be go ahead, Shannon.
00:18:43.519 --> 00:18:56.799
Yeah, I was just gonna say, and I think the other places we're really seeing it is the relationship with his wife and how amazing Ari is with the girls, the patience, the level, they just really balance each other out beautifully.
00:18:57.119 --> 00:19:02.240
And they met in high school, they were young and they're growing up together and growing up with the kids.
00:19:02.480 --> 00:19:05.279
I think that's been a huge piece as well.
00:19:05.519 --> 00:19:05.839
Yeah.
00:19:06.160 --> 00:19:19.920
So we're really proud of what they're doing, having children young, like we did, just and then growing and getting their careers going and their family and trying to balance all those things while maintaining relationship and all of that.
00:19:20.000 --> 00:19:22.960
So we're just it it's really impressive to see.
00:19:23.039 --> 00:19:24.240
And we know it's a challenge.
00:19:24.400 --> 00:19:36.160
We know how hard it is to do those things, and they're really that's a whole nother growth or I don't know, field that they're that is now really starting to bloom and blossom as well.
00:19:36.319 --> 00:19:44.559
And it's great to see that piece because it's hard enough grazing, but then maintaining relationships and and growing up together and all of those things.
00:19:44.640 --> 00:19:46.720
And they're really doing a beautiful job.
00:19:46.960 --> 00:19:54.799
Yeah, and getting on the same page for those types of things of having the conversations and checking in and you know, yeah, asking, hey, is this right?
00:19:54.880 --> 00:19:57.519
And all of the things you'd hope you would do as a parent.
00:19:57.599 --> 00:20:02.319
You're seeing that in them, or like, oh, they're ahead of us, you know, and in these ways.
00:20:02.559 --> 00:20:04.640
Yeah, yeah, that's right.
00:20:04.799 --> 00:20:06.559
That's right, and that's great to see.
00:20:06.640 --> 00:20:10.000
And I see that in my kids too at their age.
00:20:10.240 --> 00:20:14.960
I was not the parent that when I first started parenting, was not.
00:20:15.119 --> 00:20:17.039
It took time to grow.
00:20:17.440 --> 00:20:20.720
But listen, you guys are doing a great job.
00:20:20.799 --> 00:20:36.000
And I wanted to have you on because we know there are so many single moms, divorced parents, blended family, step parents, and especially if you when you're a step parent and if you have a stubborn child like that, it's not easy, man.
00:20:36.160 --> 00:20:41.119
It's hard when you're dealing with somebody who's not your biological, biological daughter or son.
00:20:41.759 --> 00:20:44.480
Even an extra, a little extra challenge there.
00:20:44.720 --> 00:20:49.279
But for those of you that are out there, the main thing I wanted you to get today was the hope.
00:20:49.599 --> 00:20:57.839
There is a process, but there is hope, and it's the persistence, the patience, and if you pray, that's what it takes.
00:20:58.000 --> 00:21:02.480
It's not easy, as Richard and Shannon have said, to wait for the harvest.
00:21:02.720 --> 00:21:13.279
But the thing about it is we have a law, it's called the law of the harvest, which means whatever you plant, that's what's gonna grow.
00:21:13.759 --> 00:21:21.519
Of course, there has to be the cultivation of that, which is the patience and doing things in the right way and apologizing and things like that.
00:21:21.759 --> 00:21:24.160
But the law of the harvest is on your side.
00:21:24.319 --> 00:21:30.640
As long as you continue to plant those seeds, cultivate those seeds, the day will come when you're gonna reap the fruit of it.
00:21:30.799 --> 00:21:32.640
I can speak to that personally.
00:21:32.799 --> 00:21:40.480
It's been a huge challenge for us and with one of our sons, but he the the blossom is there, you know.
00:21:40.559 --> 00:21:48.079
We're waiting for the actual fruit, but the leaves and the blossoms are all there, and so we know that we just have to keep doing what we're doing.
00:21:48.160 --> 00:21:52.799
So I want to encourage you in that, those of you that are listening, and Richard and Shannon.
00:21:52.880 --> 00:21:55.039
I really respect you guys, I love you guys.
00:21:55.119 --> 00:22:01.279
We've been friends a long time, so you know it's been wonderful for you guys to see our kids and us see your kids.
00:22:01.599 --> 00:22:05.759
Now you've seen my grandkids and great-grandkids, and we just keep this going.
00:22:06.079 --> 00:22:08.079
But I want to thank you for your time.
00:22:08.480 --> 00:22:25.759
And for those of you that are listening, sometimes when we listen to podcasts, we don't always subscribe, but it would be a huge favor to me if you would subscribe and share this episode if you know somebody, a friend or family that really could hear this message of hope that it does work.
00:22:25.920 --> 00:22:27.920
These principles do work.
00:22:28.960 --> 00:22:36.079
And as well, don't forget that I have free resources on my website, Richardrromels.com.
00:22:36.319 --> 00:22:39.200
You can go there, download those resources.
00:22:39.519 --> 00:22:45.119
My books are there, and you can get a free chapter if you want to test drive my books, whether or not you want to buy it.
00:22:45.279 --> 00:22:47.599
You can download a free chapter, check it out.
00:22:47.680 --> 00:22:59.359
And all of those resources are there for one reason, and that is we want to help turn your heart to your children because that turns the heart of them to you.
00:22:59.599 --> 00:23:09.039
And when you have that connection, that reconciliation, that wins the loyalty of your children, and that really is what we want to see happen.
00:23:09.200 --> 00:23:10.880
So, again, this is Richard Ramos.
00:23:11.200 --> 00:23:12.000
Thank you for listening.
00:23:12.079 --> 00:23:21.920
And remember, mom and dad, parents on a mission is not for bad parents, it's for good parents like you that want to get better.
00:23:22.240 --> 00:23:23.599
See you next time.
