WEBVTT
00:00:00.479 --> 00:00:01.360
Chemsex.
00:00:01.760 --> 00:00:09.199
Sexualized drug use among men who have sex with men, typically involving methamphetamine, methadrone, and GHB, among others.
00:00:09.359 --> 00:00:18.399
Chemsex misuse is a worldwide epidemic that needs attention, dialogue, and hope for those lost in it, which is the purpose of the Aftermath Podcast.
00:00:18.559 --> 00:00:28.160
Please note the views expressed by the host and guest on this podcast are not to be taken as medical advice, and the content around sex and drug use can be triggering.
00:00:28.879 --> 00:00:30.800
Alright, welcome to the Aftermath Podcast.
00:00:30.879 --> 00:00:32.159
I'm your host, Dallas.
00:00:32.479 --> 00:00:33.759
Thank you for being here.
00:00:34.240 --> 00:00:38.799
There will be a supplement supplemental study guide with every episode for right now.
00:00:39.520 --> 00:00:44.399
We are changing things up a little soon, announcement to be happening.
00:00:44.799 --> 00:00:52.719
But the Monday podcast will turn into a live stream podcast with availability for open QA after.
00:00:52.799 --> 00:01:02.479
So really excited about offering that, just figuring out the technology part, which yes, I'm figuring out the technology part.
00:01:03.039 --> 00:01:04.799
So thank you for being here again.
00:01:05.200 --> 00:01:06.640
Did I say that already?
00:01:07.920 --> 00:01:13.760
Be uh sure to like, subscribe, and rate the podcast, please, on Apple Podcasts, Spotify.
00:01:14.000 --> 00:01:17.599
Really appreciate that because that gets the it to the algorithm.
00:01:17.760 --> 00:01:19.519
Uh the algorithm is getting it there.
00:01:19.599 --> 00:01:26.159
Um more and more and more people are coming to this podcast from ChatGPT and Claude.
00:01:26.480 --> 00:01:30.640
So thank you, Artificial Intelligence, for fueling the podcast.
00:01:30.879 --> 00:01:31.760
Appreciate that.
00:01:31.920 --> 00:01:36.000
But you um and there's your there's your five minutes of fame.
00:01:36.239 --> 00:01:37.599
So, okay, thank you.
00:01:37.840 --> 00:01:39.200
All right, let's go here.
00:01:39.359 --> 00:01:42.959
Um let's talk about the words I need help.
00:01:43.280 --> 00:01:51.760
Um, these are probably for most um going to be very difficult, difficult three words that you say in recovery.
00:01:51.840 --> 00:01:54.560
Um, but they're also going to be the most liberating.
00:01:54.719 --> 00:01:59.439
So for me, I was somebody who left home at 18, barely 18.
00:01:59.680 --> 00:02:02.400
I never asked my parents for anything, even when I was in high school.
00:02:02.560 --> 00:02:08.479
I paid, I bought my car, I paid for my insurance, I worked too much and bought everything I needed.
00:02:08.639 --> 00:02:11.840
I prided myself in taking care of my life.
00:02:12.080 --> 00:02:24.560
I wanted to prove, I wanted to prove to my family, I wanted to prove to the church, I wanted to prove to the bullies, to anybody in West Virginia that I was strong, I was a man, and I was self-sufficient.
00:02:25.039 --> 00:02:33.039
Um, and I needed the world to know that no matter how they tried to keep me down, I would always rise.
00:02:33.199 --> 00:02:35.919
I think some of that probably came through in my recovery too.
00:02:36.080 --> 00:02:41.280
But of course, you know, that pride kept me also in the closet for 36 years.
00:02:41.439 --> 00:02:48.000
Um kept me trapped inside a life that wasn't mine, kept me struggling, um, and kept me dying inside.
00:02:48.080 --> 00:02:50.000
You know, I I didn't want to ask for help.
00:02:50.080 --> 00:02:51.039
I didn't want to admit it.
00:02:51.199 --> 00:02:52.800
I didn't want anybody to know.
00:02:53.039 --> 00:02:59.280
So when it came to me and my relationship with meth, um I finally had to wave the red flag, red flag.
00:02:59.439 --> 00:03:02.000
Yes, the red flag too, but the white flag as well.
00:03:02.159 --> 00:03:03.759
Finally, surrender, right?
00:03:03.919 --> 00:03:05.919
That was really fucking hard for me.
00:03:06.080 --> 00:03:11.360
Um vulnerability is never easy, um, but it is always freeing.
00:03:11.599 --> 00:03:17.759
So for clients that I work with who are high-functioning gay men, they're always excelling outwardly.
00:03:18.000 --> 00:03:21.520
And so asking for help often feels like admitting they're weak.
00:03:21.759 --> 00:03:23.599
Look, after all, we are men.
00:03:23.759 --> 00:03:26.879
Um men in general don't like asking for help.
00:03:26.960 --> 00:03:29.439
Um that's a broad stroke, but it's proven.
00:03:29.520 --> 00:03:32.159
Um, and they don't like talking about their feelings, right?
00:03:32.319 --> 00:03:38.400
But my guess is that they're also trying to prove something, uh, just like I was.
00:03:38.560 --> 00:03:44.800
So look, not asking for help is not asking for help is actually the weak, the weaker thing.
00:03:45.039 --> 00:03:47.520
It shows weakness to keep it all inside.
00:03:47.680 --> 00:03:50.400
Because it's the easy way out until it isn't.
00:03:50.560 --> 00:03:52.639
Um, but it also keeps you in bondage.
00:03:52.719 --> 00:04:01.039
And like all other facets of recovery, this behavior of asking for help can be very valuable to your growth as a whole person.
00:04:01.280 --> 00:04:14.479
So today we're talking, we're talking about silence, secrecy, containment, and really the importance of using your voice in chemsex recovery.
00:04:14.639 --> 00:04:21.680
So if you think about a friend who texts you, their name lights up on the screen, hey, been thinking about you.
00:04:21.920 --> 00:04:23.360
What is your answer?
00:04:24.160 --> 00:04:29.680
Your thumb might hover over a second before thinking about should I tell them how I am?
00:04:29.839 --> 00:04:32.720
But you type, I'm good, crazy busy week, how are you?
00:04:32.879 --> 00:04:35.519
You know, that deflective type text.
00:04:35.839 --> 00:04:43.759
Um, like it's just deflection, choosing to remain in misery, just choosing to not ask, not tell, don't ask, don't tell, right?
00:04:44.000 --> 00:04:48.959
But meanwhile, maybe you haven't been sleeping for three days, you've been scrolling in bed till 1 a.m.
00:04:49.439 --> 00:04:56.639
That old number of that user buddy saved somewhere in your phone, it's been secretly calling out to you, but you're not telling anybody.
00:04:56.800 --> 00:04:58.560
And why aren't you honest?
00:04:58.959 --> 00:05:01.439
Maybe it is you don't want to be a bother to your friend.
00:05:01.759 --> 00:05:03.600
Maybe they have their own problems, right?
00:05:03.759 --> 00:05:05.759
You don't want to seem like an ongoing mess.
00:05:05.920 --> 00:05:12.240
Maybe this has been going on for years, and you're like, you don't want to talk about it anymore, and you assume your friends don't either.
00:05:13.279 --> 00:05:18.800
Or are you holding it all in to give yourself a secret plan to use?
00:05:19.040 --> 00:05:20.560
There's that too, right?
00:05:20.800 --> 00:05:30.720
But what I see over and over is men who can't ask for help, they're usually, not all the time, but they're usually the one everyone else asks for help.
00:05:30.959 --> 00:05:31.279
Right?
00:05:31.360 --> 00:05:32.720
He's going to be the listener.
00:05:32.800 --> 00:05:34.240
He's the one that always shows up.
00:05:34.319 --> 00:05:37.839
He's the friend who remembers your birthday, checks in after your breakup.
00:05:37.920 --> 00:05:40.800
He's cool, chill, like he's the rock.
00:05:41.199 --> 00:05:43.759
He's very fluent at giving support.
00:05:44.079 --> 00:05:46.720
He's just not very fluent at receiving it.
00:05:46.959 --> 00:05:48.319
And where does that come from?
00:05:48.639 --> 00:05:50.000
Comes from a billion places.
00:05:50.079 --> 00:05:56.639
But for a lot of us, it goes back a long way, all the way to that secret spot from zero to seven years old, right?
00:05:56.720 --> 00:06:01.439
You grew up in a house maybe where needing something felt dangerous or wrong.
00:06:01.519 --> 00:06:06.639
Um, you know, the safest thing for you to do is to be low maintenance, no trouble.
00:06:06.959 --> 00:06:20.879
You want to be easy to love because the ones that are giving you that love, that security, that safety, maybe they told you things like, you're too much, or any other, or even neglect, or nobody talked about anything, right?
00:06:20.959 --> 00:06:24.160
My dad used to tell me, you need to be seen and not heard.
00:06:24.480 --> 00:06:29.519
I'm surprised it wasn't not seen and not heard, but maybe he did say that sometimes.
00:06:29.600 --> 00:06:30.800
Um and that worked for me.
00:06:30.959 --> 00:06:32.319
It kept me safe, right?
00:06:32.480 --> 00:06:34.160
But that costs me now.
00:06:34.319 --> 00:06:36.319
As an adult, it's going to cost you.
00:06:36.560 --> 00:06:40.240
Because underneath it is usually some version of I am not enough.
00:06:40.959 --> 00:06:47.680
So for somebody who's a helper, it usually sounds in their mind like my needs are too much.
00:06:48.079 --> 00:06:51.600
Or if they saw the real version of me, they'd probably leave.
00:06:51.839 --> 00:06:54.319
And then there's a sneakier piece to this.
00:06:54.480 --> 00:07:05.120
That's the myth part where all that extra niceness, all that extra showing up for everybody, all that extra service is just a way of building up your credit.
00:07:05.680 --> 00:07:11.519
So if you're the reliable one, nobody's going to ask you questions when you go quiet.
00:07:11.680 --> 00:07:18.399
Nobody's going to go looking for you or assuming or they even think or it occurred to them that something's wrong with you.
00:07:18.639 --> 00:07:22.000
That's an insidious way that meth can work.
00:07:22.240 --> 00:07:28.720
So we have to remember here, we talked about this a lot here, secrecy is the fuel for chemsex, especially meth.
00:07:28.879 --> 00:07:33.439
A craving that you you keep to yourself.
00:07:33.920 --> 00:07:36.800
In the dark will slowly build a charge.
00:07:36.879 --> 00:07:38.160
It builds momentum.
00:07:38.480 --> 00:07:42.560
It graduates to euphoric recall when you're thinking about it.
00:07:42.800 --> 00:07:46.879
Euphoric recall loves to grow in the darkness of your subconscious.
00:07:47.199 --> 00:07:52.720
Fantasy, and you begin to plan and you think about some good time you had.
00:07:53.199 --> 00:07:55.360
Shame works that way too.
00:07:55.680 --> 00:08:01.839
Shame needs silence, shame needs isolation, shame needs secrecy to keep its grip on you.
00:08:02.480 --> 00:08:09.199
So when you put something into words, you're putting it into the light, and the brain is going to respond differently to that.
00:08:09.439 --> 00:08:16.959
Because when you name a feeling out loud, it's going to turn down the emotional charge of that feeling.
00:08:17.199 --> 00:08:21.759
And oftentimes when you bring down the emotional charge of that feeling, it brings your brain back online.
00:08:22.319 --> 00:08:25.519
It interrupts that autopilot pattern you're in.
00:08:25.759 --> 00:08:32.000
So the thing you don't say, it gets to keep its power, and that power grows.
00:08:32.399 --> 00:08:37.840
The thing you say out loud, that will begin to lose power.
00:08:38.639 --> 00:08:40.720
And you don't want to discount this.
00:08:40.879 --> 00:08:42.799
Don't sleep on it, as a kid say.
00:08:43.120 --> 00:08:44.639
This is how it usually unfolds.
00:08:44.720 --> 00:08:47.360
So, like, first you you don't say what you need.
00:08:48.000 --> 00:08:51.440
Somebody asks you how you are, you don't say that either.
00:08:51.600 --> 00:08:53.279
You're just saying I'm fine.
00:08:53.519 --> 00:08:55.200
Then the craving shows up.
00:08:55.360 --> 00:08:57.120
You don't say that either.
00:08:57.360 --> 00:09:03.519
Then something happens that accelerates that craving, and you don't say that.
00:09:04.639 --> 00:09:12.159
Each of those silence levels makes the next one even easier, well, you could say harder to make to bring forth.
00:09:12.399 --> 00:09:14.320
It's like they they stack.
00:09:14.720 --> 00:09:24.720
So I've come to believe after a lot of years of doing this work and a lot of years of doing work on me, that the using is rarely what does the lasting damage.
00:09:24.879 --> 00:09:25.120
Right?
00:09:25.200 --> 00:09:26.879
It's the hiding it is.
00:09:27.360 --> 00:09:30.559
Hiding fuels your methose.
00:09:30.799 --> 00:09:34.799
Hiding is how one night turns into a weekend, weekend turns into weeks.
00:09:35.039 --> 00:09:43.360
The people who love you cannot help you with something they don't know about, especially those who aren't familiar with chemsex.
00:09:46.000 --> 00:09:47.759
So one of my clients tried this.
00:09:47.919 --> 00:09:49.919
It was something that that I'll tell you about.
00:09:50.080 --> 00:10:00.639
Whenever that that subtle pull showed up, even the first fleeting thought to use, he would pick his phone up, turn the camera on himself, and say it out loud.
00:10:00.799 --> 00:10:04.639
It was kind of like the post-relapse video, but pre-lapse, pre-relapse video.
00:10:04.960 --> 00:10:07.360
He said it out loud and exactly what he was thinking.
00:10:07.519 --> 00:10:09.679
He went into the details, the fantasy.
00:10:09.840 --> 00:10:11.519
This is what I'm planning, right?
00:10:11.600 --> 00:10:12.960
This is what he wanted to do next.
00:10:13.039 --> 00:10:14.399
This is the person I want to text.
00:10:14.559 --> 00:10:18.799
There wasn't any editing or or keeping it silent, just saying it all out loud.
00:10:19.039 --> 00:10:24.080
And like the first time he did that, it felt very cringy, and it's going to, very uncomfortable.
00:10:24.240 --> 00:10:29.840
But by the third time he did it, he would would begin to hear how it was sounding.
00:10:30.000 --> 00:10:32.559
It was beginning to sound like ridiculous.
00:10:32.799 --> 00:10:38.960
And then by that fifth time or whatever, the craving was gone because you've expressed it.
00:10:39.200 --> 00:10:41.039
You've gotten it out of here.
00:10:41.279 --> 00:10:43.200
Even if it's just to yourself.
00:10:43.440 --> 00:10:51.279
And think about this: that same phone that he used to hide on had now become the place where the craving died.
00:10:51.440 --> 00:10:52.720
It's reclamation.
00:10:54.159 --> 00:10:55.039
And that's the point.
00:10:55.200 --> 00:10:59.679
Using your voice, using your voice is a muscle.
00:11:00.240 --> 00:11:02.240
Especially if you're not used to asking for help.
00:11:02.399 --> 00:11:06.879
It has to be built over time and stretched to build.
00:11:07.120 --> 00:11:10.399
So one trip to the gym is not going to give you the body you need.
00:11:10.559 --> 00:11:17.039
One time sharing isn't going to be enough to shift over into, I'm an open book, total vulnerable, right?
00:11:17.200 --> 00:11:19.279
You have to build that muscle.
00:11:19.600 --> 00:11:26.399
And you're not the thing, the thing that men get blamed for, and I've done it before, I blamed men for this too.
00:11:26.639 --> 00:11:29.679
They're not silent because they're trying to be dishonest.
00:11:30.960 --> 00:11:45.279
They're silent because somewhere, along the road, somewhere, saying the truth brought them shame, brought them some kind of persecution, brought them something that said, I'm not enough.
00:11:46.080 --> 00:11:49.120
And it's that, and then it becomes self-rejection.
00:11:49.279 --> 00:11:58.399
So sometimes you're not saying it, not out of, I'm lying, just it's just so wrapped up in trauma and shame.
00:11:59.039 --> 00:12:05.679
That the part of you who was honest caused trouble at sometimes, at some point.
00:12:05.840 --> 00:12:10.879
So you rejected it, you shoved it down, and it became a shadow.
00:12:11.679 --> 00:12:14.879
And shadows operate in the background subconsciously.
00:12:15.039 --> 00:12:16.720
We've done a lot of podcasts on that.
00:12:17.200 --> 00:12:22.559
You will be dishonest oftentimes without even considering it.
00:12:22.720 --> 00:12:24.399
It's just natural.
00:12:24.639 --> 00:12:30.639
And at some point you experience that feeling of having made everything worse by opening your mouth.
00:12:30.799 --> 00:12:32.240
That's another reason why.
00:12:32.799 --> 00:12:34.159
It's stored in your body.
00:12:34.320 --> 00:12:36.480
Your body says, Don't be honest.
00:12:36.559 --> 00:12:37.840
I'm trying to protect you.
00:12:38.000 --> 00:12:39.279
Remember last time?
00:12:39.759 --> 00:12:41.120
Or whatever it was?
00:12:41.279 --> 00:12:42.639
There are a hundred other scenarios.
00:12:42.799 --> 00:12:44.320
Look, there's a thousand scenarios.
00:12:44.399 --> 00:12:50.240
And maybe you grew up in a family where you were told that you were too much or too dramatic or your feelings didn't matter or didn't care.
00:12:50.399 --> 00:12:51.759
Don't bother me with it, right?
00:12:51.919 --> 00:12:55.840
That's how shame gets built too, because you're rejecting the parts of yourself.
00:12:56.080 --> 00:12:58.399
And shame is what that keeps that silence going.
00:12:58.480 --> 00:12:59.279
It takes the grip.
00:12:59.360 --> 00:13:00.320
It keeps a grip on it.
00:13:00.480 --> 00:13:08.960
So I also see men shut down because of recovery groups who made them feel even more shame for continuing to use or making the same mistakes.
00:13:09.120 --> 00:13:10.240
I can't believe you're doing that.
00:13:10.399 --> 00:13:16.639
And they get, they at some point that walk of shame they have to do becomes so unbearable that they hide it.
00:13:16.720 --> 00:13:19.759
They sit there and lie about their days or they don't come back.
00:13:20.000 --> 00:13:25.600
So let's talk about how we can create this safe container with your recovery team.
00:13:25.679 --> 00:13:29.200
And even if your recovery team in this case is just one person.
00:13:29.600 --> 00:13:33.200
All right, so number one is set the container first.
00:13:34.320 --> 00:13:40.720
So before you tell them what's going on, you want to tell them how you need them to receive it.
00:13:41.759 --> 00:13:49.279
You can say something like, before I say this, I need you to know something about how to hear it, how to receive it.
00:13:49.519 --> 00:13:52.000
I'm going to share something very vulnerable.
00:13:52.240 --> 00:13:57.840
Because sometimes people that don't understand addiction or especially chemsex, you tell them I'm having a craving, they fucking panic.
00:13:58.559 --> 00:14:02.480
They panic, and when they panic, it makes you panic, right?
00:14:02.799 --> 00:14:11.039
So you tell them that maybe you're going to might hear some things here that sound shocking to you, but please do not react right away.
00:14:11.200 --> 00:14:12.879
Don't try to fix it for me.
00:14:13.039 --> 00:14:14.720
Don't try to tell me what to do.
00:14:14.960 --> 00:14:16.559
Don't look scared.
00:14:16.799 --> 00:14:18.080
Just stay with me.
00:14:18.320 --> 00:14:19.039
Can you do that?
00:14:19.200 --> 00:14:24.080
So sometimes this could be over text, sometimes it could be over FaceTime if you're looking at them, right?
00:14:24.159 --> 00:14:25.279
If you're telling them.
00:14:25.919 --> 00:14:30.000
And even over text, people can still, you know, express dramatically.
00:14:30.159 --> 00:14:37.120
But you're just asking for one thing: that they don't make a face or they don't react, right?
00:14:37.360 --> 00:14:52.080
Because if they do flinch or grimace or whatever, or gasp, you know, or panic, or start to tell you what the solution should be, your brain may read that as proof that you should never have said anything in the first place.
00:14:52.240 --> 00:14:53.519
That's the shame.
00:14:53.919 --> 00:14:58.720
And shame is what's going to send you right back into hiding in isolation.
00:14:59.360 --> 00:15:03.279
All right, number two, tell them what a flinch does.
00:15:03.519 --> 00:15:05.919
A flinch, a grimace, a reaction.
00:15:06.159 --> 00:15:14.159
I've had a lot of men come to my program who try to tell their therapist something about chemsex and they got a reaction on their face, they're done.
00:15:14.559 --> 00:15:17.919
Look, when these people do flinch, they're not trying to be cruel.
00:15:18.000 --> 00:15:20.399
They're not trying to be dramatic, they just don't know.
00:15:20.799 --> 00:15:22.879
So tell them, like prepare them.
00:15:22.960 --> 00:15:26.559
Look, if you react in a big way, I'm going to shut down.
00:15:26.799 --> 00:15:30.080
I'm going to wish I hadn't said it, and I'm not going to come back to you.
00:15:30.240 --> 00:15:31.679
This is how this works for me.
00:15:31.759 --> 00:15:34.559
So I need you to keep your face calm.
00:15:34.799 --> 00:15:39.840
I need you to stay calm, even if what I'm saying is a lot for you.
00:15:40.159 --> 00:15:43.600
And many people can do this if they are prepared for it.
00:15:43.840 --> 00:15:47.279
Many people want to help you, they just don't know how.
00:15:47.679 --> 00:15:55.840
This is again you becoming the executive of your recovery, you taking charge of it, you training those people around you.
00:15:56.480 --> 00:16:04.240
They don't understand that some slight facial expression could make you scurry away in early recovery, right?
00:16:04.320 --> 00:16:05.919
And when you first started doing this.
00:16:06.080 --> 00:16:06.559
All right.
00:16:06.799 --> 00:16:09.600
So tell them what helps instead.
00:16:09.759 --> 00:16:10.799
Give them an option, right?
00:16:10.879 --> 00:16:13.200
Give them something to do because don't react.
00:16:13.360 --> 00:16:15.279
You know, it it it's too vague a little bit.
00:16:15.360 --> 00:16:17.200
They're not they're not going to know what that means.
00:16:17.759 --> 00:16:29.440
So you could say something like, if you want to help while I'm talking, maybe you can say something like, Thank you for telling me, or that must feel difficult, right?
00:16:29.919 --> 00:16:32.080
Those two things will keep you talking.
00:16:32.320 --> 00:16:35.120
Advice will stop me.
00:16:36.399 --> 00:16:38.240
Advice will stop me.
00:16:38.639 --> 00:16:41.679
There is nothing worse than unsolicited advice.
00:16:42.000 --> 00:16:42.879
I'm telling you.
00:16:43.120 --> 00:16:44.960
In my world, I don't know about you.
00:16:45.200 --> 00:16:47.120
I fucking hate unsolicited advice.
00:16:47.360 --> 00:16:49.120
If I need advice, I'll ask for it.
00:16:49.200 --> 00:16:50.559
This is the rule that I have with my kids.
00:16:50.720 --> 00:16:54.320
They do not ask me for advice unless they want it.
00:16:55.039 --> 00:16:58.000
I do not give them advice unless they ask.
00:16:58.320 --> 00:16:58.799
Period.
00:16:58.960 --> 00:17:02.559
We this has been the same way since they were teenagers.
00:17:02.879 --> 00:17:04.640
Because there's I'm wasting my breath.
00:17:05.359 --> 00:17:07.200
They're gonna do whatever the fuck they're gonna do.
00:17:07.359 --> 00:17:11.200
But if they ask me for advice, that means they're looking for it and they're open to receive.
00:17:11.519 --> 00:17:13.279
All right, anyway, rabbit troll.
00:17:13.599 --> 00:17:19.119
You can also tell them if all else fails, you don't know what to say, ask me a question.
00:17:19.359 --> 00:17:22.480
Or how can I support you or something like that, right?
00:17:22.799 --> 00:17:27.759
Or tell them it's okay for you to say, I don't know what to say here, but I'm here for you.
00:17:27.920 --> 00:17:29.200
That's good enough too.
00:17:29.440 --> 00:17:33.440
All right, the next one is tell them how tell them why you're telling them.
00:17:33.680 --> 00:17:35.200
Tell them why you're telling them.
00:17:35.599 --> 00:17:42.880
This is so it might be a little difficult to say, it might it might be a little too vulnerable for you, but I do feel it's necessary when you're ready.
00:17:43.039 --> 00:17:48.799
You can say something like, I'm telling you this because you're the person I trust with it.
00:17:49.279 --> 00:17:53.279
And I need you to know how to hold it in this container.
00:17:53.680 --> 00:17:59.119
So don't, please, don't take away the one place I feel I can be honest.
00:17:59.759 --> 00:18:03.599
People will rise to the occasion if they feel they're being needed.
00:18:03.839 --> 00:18:05.440
People want to help you.
00:18:05.680 --> 00:18:09.200
So frame it in a way, frame it that way, right?
00:18:09.279 --> 00:18:12.160
And it stops sounding like this list of demands.
00:18:12.559 --> 00:18:18.240
This is the this stop sounding like you're trying to be bossy and high maintenance.
00:18:18.480 --> 00:18:19.759
I trust you with this.
00:18:19.920 --> 00:18:21.359
I need this container.
00:18:21.519 --> 00:18:23.279
I'm asking you, right?
00:18:23.680 --> 00:18:27.440
All right, number five, give them a way to come back to you.
00:18:27.680 --> 00:18:39.680
So because this container has to work over time, you can also say, if I shut down anyway, no matter what you do, I might go quiet anyway.
00:18:39.839 --> 00:18:48.400
That is not me punishing you, that is not me running, that's just me protecting myself because this is like walking through a fucking landmine field.
00:18:49.119 --> 00:18:53.920
And anything in me feels like it might explode at any minute.
00:18:54.160 --> 00:18:57.680
If you notice I go quiet, just say, you know what?
00:18:57.759 --> 00:19:01.119
You don't have to tell me everything, just so I'm not going anywhere.
00:19:01.279 --> 00:19:03.039
One little text is fine.
00:19:03.279 --> 00:19:04.880
That will bring me back.
00:19:05.119 --> 00:19:08.480
And look, you can tailor these, tailor these to yourself.
00:19:08.799 --> 00:19:11.519
And the same thing for the person on the other end, right?
00:19:11.599 --> 00:19:26.720
If if somebody you can tell, if you're listening and you're the loved one, or you want to tell somebody else if somebody you love is struggling and you want them to be able to talk to you, then you can say something like this like, you can tell me the hard stuff.
00:19:26.880 --> 00:19:30.720
I won't fall apart, I won't lecture you, and I won't make it weird.
00:19:30.880 --> 00:19:37.440
And even if I get quiet, all that means is I'm thinking, but I am not judging you.
00:19:37.759 --> 00:19:42.079
I am doing the best I can with what I have, right?
00:19:42.640 --> 00:19:49.279
That's how you build a vulnerable, strong container that does not lead to shame.
00:19:50.000 --> 00:19:55.839
It's not hoping the other person knows how to hold it and then bitching when they don't, right?
00:19:56.160 --> 00:19:59.359
This is you being very clear about boundaries.
00:19:59.599 --> 00:20:06.000
By saying the true thing, you're saying all this out loud and saying how to receive it.
00:20:06.559 --> 00:20:11.119
So here's five ways to say it out loud, by the way.
00:20:11.359 --> 00:20:14.880
So you don't have to do all of these, you can just pick one.
00:20:15.039 --> 00:20:16.319
But here's some advice.
00:20:16.640 --> 00:20:18.559
Say what you need.
00:20:20.160 --> 00:20:24.400
So you begin this by asking for very small needs.
00:20:24.559 --> 00:20:31.839
If it's a struggle for you, if it literally hurts your body to ask, say what you need, start very small.
00:20:32.000 --> 00:20:33.920
This is how you build the muscle.
00:20:34.079 --> 00:20:36.480
You start with a little weight, right?
00:20:36.880 --> 00:20:38.960
So that the muscle builds over time.
00:20:39.119 --> 00:20:44.480
You're starting small so that when the needs get more urgent, it's going to be easier for you.
00:20:44.559 --> 00:20:46.240
It's not a heavy lift.
00:20:46.799 --> 00:20:48.079
What do you need today?
00:20:48.240 --> 00:20:49.839
Maybe it's a hug.
00:20:50.240 --> 00:20:51.440
Who could you ask?
00:20:51.920 --> 00:20:53.759
What's stopping you from asking for a hug?
00:20:53.920 --> 00:20:54.720
I don't know.
00:20:55.039 --> 00:20:58.319
Maybe it's actually speaking up about what you want to eat for dinner.
00:20:58.799 --> 00:20:59.440
Right?
00:20:59.680 --> 00:21:01.920
Okay, next, say how you are.
00:21:02.079 --> 00:21:10.240
So the next time somebody asks, How are you doing, give something that is a little more true than I'm fine.
00:21:10.880 --> 00:21:11.519
Something.
00:21:12.160 --> 00:21:18.400
You want to move beyond I'm okay, I'm fine today, and then deflecting back to them.
00:21:18.720 --> 00:21:20.240
Give a little more detail.
00:21:20.400 --> 00:21:25.759
Something that feels just a teeny bit more uncomfortable, but doesn't shock your system.
00:21:26.079 --> 00:21:28.720
All right, so say the craving.
00:21:28.960 --> 00:21:30.720
Name it out loud.
00:21:31.039 --> 00:21:31.359
Okay.
00:21:32.079 --> 00:21:37.519
You can when that craving comes up, if you're not ready to say it to somebody else, say it to your phone.
00:21:37.680 --> 00:21:40.480
Say it to yourself, say it out loud.
00:21:41.759 --> 00:21:42.960
I'm in it right now.
00:21:43.039 --> 00:21:45.119
I'm ha I'm experiencing a craving.
00:21:45.200 --> 00:21:46.880
That's enough sometimes.
00:21:47.200 --> 00:21:52.000
That window of that craving building is very small.
00:21:52.640 --> 00:21:59.759
Because a craving is a thought, a thought is energy, that energy will grow quickly.
00:22:00.400 --> 00:22:06.480
If added more energy, more panic, more thoughts, we want to take the charge out of it.
00:22:06.559 --> 00:22:17.279
So as soon as you have a fleeting feeling to use or plan to use, get it out of your body as soon as possible.
00:22:18.559 --> 00:22:20.880
Okay, say what happened.
00:22:21.200 --> 00:22:28.960
If you use, tell somebody within 24 hours of that user when you can.
00:22:29.119 --> 00:22:30.799
Tell people right away.
00:22:31.039 --> 00:22:35.359
Not at your scheduled call with them or not when you're going to see your therapist.
00:22:35.519 --> 00:22:40.000
Once you've pulled yourself together enough in the come down, the sooner the better.
00:22:40.240 --> 00:22:45.359
The sooner it's one night instead of the start of a binge.
00:22:46.079 --> 00:22:47.599
Tell on yourself.
00:22:48.319 --> 00:22:56.640
And also say this to somebody who is trained, who won't react, who won't do the flinching.
00:22:57.039 --> 00:23:02.000
The wrong listener, untrained, is going to make this worse.
00:23:02.480 --> 00:23:13.359
Pick somebody who can hear the real version without falling apart and without telling you how to fix it without being asked.
00:23:13.680 --> 00:23:19.519
And if you're not sure how to ask for that, use some of these words I gave you, some of these scenarios, right?
00:23:19.599 --> 00:23:21.839
And tailor it to yourself.
00:23:22.720 --> 00:23:29.519
But you want to ask before you're in the middle of euphoric recall, because then you're not going to ask.
00:23:38.319 --> 00:23:39.279
To one person.
00:23:40.160 --> 00:23:41.200
Once a week.
00:23:43.200 --> 00:23:48.880
So that the next time somebody texts you, that light comes up on your screen and you're feeling like shit.
00:23:49.839 --> 00:23:51.599
You know what you'd normally type.
00:23:52.000 --> 00:23:55.759
How about something that's a little more true?
00:23:56.799 --> 00:23:58.880
I am not okay.
00:24:02.559 --> 00:24:09.920
And you can even say, I don't want to go into detail, but I love you, but I am not okay right now.
00:24:11.039 --> 00:24:19.599
There is something about this culture right now where it's not okay to be not okay.
00:24:20.559 --> 00:24:23.920
You have to be fucking Pollyanna all the time.
00:24:24.079 --> 00:24:27.599
And you're not going to be that way in chemsex recovery.
00:24:27.759 --> 00:24:31.519
Your emotions are all over the place, your brain is scrambling to heal.
00:24:31.759 --> 00:24:33.759
You're exhausted all the time.
00:24:33.920 --> 00:24:38.000
You're trying not to use, and that's a big bulk of your energy every day.
00:24:38.240 --> 00:24:41.599
You are not going to be okay sometimes.
00:24:42.720 --> 00:24:48.960
But you need you need a space where you can say that.
00:24:50.480 --> 00:25:01.039
You need a non-judgmental space where it's safe, psychologically safe to say, I am not okay.
00:25:02.160 --> 00:25:11.759
Not feel shame about it, not feel guilt about it, not have somebody fucking go crazy and go and make it all worse, right?
00:25:12.319 --> 00:25:14.960
Now, you may have to ask for somebody.
00:25:15.119 --> 00:25:25.599
If if not okay means you have a text ready to send to the dealer or something like that, you may have to ask for somebody to come over, or you may have to ask them to have you over.
00:25:25.839 --> 00:25:26.720
All of that.
00:25:26.960 --> 00:25:29.759
Everything that I've ever said, yes.
00:25:30.799 --> 00:25:33.680
But sometimes it's okay to say I am not okay.
00:25:33.839 --> 00:25:41.519
And that could be one step closer to you being more transparent, more honest, and asking for help.
00:25:41.759 --> 00:25:45.440
Because the next text, the next time could be, I'm not okay.
00:25:45.759 --> 00:25:47.039
Could you help me?
00:25:47.279 --> 00:25:48.559
Could you support me?
00:25:48.799 --> 00:25:50.240
Could you talk to me?
00:25:50.559 --> 00:25:52.400
Could you come over right now?
00:25:53.599 --> 00:25:57.519
Some of you asking for that feels like fucking torture.
00:25:59.039 --> 00:26:04.319
But you have you can't go from where you are to that overnight.
00:26:04.799 --> 00:26:06.400
All right, hope that helps.
00:26:06.559 --> 00:26:07.440
Love you guys.
00:26:07.680 --> 00:26:09.519
Have a great week.
00:00:00.479 --> 00:00:01.360
Chemsex.
00:00:01.760 --> 00:00:09.199
Sexualized drug use among men who have sex with men, typically involving methamphetamine, methadrone, and GHB, among others.
00:00:09.359 --> 00:00:18.399
Chemsex misuse is a worldwide epidemic that needs attention, dialogue, and hope for those lost in it, which is the purpose of the Aftermath Podcast.
00:00:18.559 --> 00:00:28.160
Please note the views expressed by the host and guest on this podcast are not to be taken as medical advice, and the content around sex and drug use can be triggering.
00:00:28.879 --> 00:00:30.800
Alright, welcome to the Aftermath Podcast.
00:00:30.879 --> 00:00:32.159
I'm your host, Dallas.
00:00:32.479 --> 00:00:33.759
Thank you for being here.
00:00:34.240 --> 00:00:38.799
There will be a supplement supplemental study guide with every episode for right now.
00:00:39.520 --> 00:00:44.399
We are changing things up a little soon, announcement to be happening.
00:00:44.799 --> 00:00:52.719
But the Monday podcast will turn into a live stream podcast with availability for open QA after.
00:00:52.799 --> 00:01:02.479
So really excited about offering that, just figuring out the technology part, which yes, I'm figuring out the technology part.
00:01:03.039 --> 00:01:04.799
So thank you for being here again.
00:01:05.200 --> 00:01:06.640
Did I say that already?
00:01:07.920 --> 00:01:13.760
Be uh sure to like, subscribe, and rate the podcast, please, on Apple Podcasts, Spotify.
00:01:14.000 --> 00:01:17.599
Really appreciate that because that gets the it to the algorithm.
00:01:17.760 --> 00:01:19.519
Uh the algorithm is getting it there.
00:01:19.599 --> 00:01:26.159
Um more and more and more people are coming to this podcast from ChatGPT and Claude.
00:01:26.480 --> 00:01:30.640
So thank you, Artificial Intelligence, for fueling the podcast.
00:01:30.879 --> 00:01:31.760
Appreciate that.
00:01:31.920 --> 00:01:36.000
But you um and there's your there's your five minutes of fame.
00:01:36.239 --> 00:01:37.599
So, okay, thank you.
00:01:37.840 --> 00:01:39.200
All right, let's go here.
00:01:39.359 --> 00:01:42.959
Um let's talk about the words I need help.
00:01:43.280 --> 00:01:51.760
Um, these are probably for most um going to be very difficult, difficult three words that you say in recovery.
00:01:51.840 --> 00:01:54.560
Um, but they're also going to be the most liberating.
00:01:54.719 --> 00:01:59.439
So for me, I was somebody who left home at 18, barely 18.
00:01:59.680 --> 00:02:02.400
I never asked my parents for anything, even when I was in high school.
00:02:02.560 --> 00:02:08.479
I paid, I bought my car, I paid for my insurance, I worked too much and bought everything I needed.
00:02:08.639 --> 00:02:11.840
I prided myself in taking care of my life.
00:02:12.080 --> 00:02:24.560
I wanted to prove, I wanted to prove to my family, I wanted to prove to the church, I wanted to prove to the bullies, to anybody in West Virginia that I was strong, I was a man, and I was self-sufficient.
00:02:25.039 --> 00:02:33.039
Um, and I needed the world to know that no matter how they tried to keep me down, I would always rise.
00:02:33.199 --> 00:02:35.919
I think some of that probably came through in my recovery too.
00:02:36.080 --> 00:02:41.280
But of course, you know, that pride kept me also in the closet for 36 years.
00:02:41.439 --> 00:02:48.000
Um kept me trapped inside a life that wasn't mine, kept me struggling, um, and kept me dying inside.
00:02:48.080 --> 00:02:50.000
You know, I I didn't want to ask for help.
00:02:50.080 --> 00:02:51.039
I didn't want to admit it.
00:02:51.199 --> 00:02:52.800
I didn't want anybody to know.
00:02:53.039 --> 00:02:59.280
So when it came to me and my relationship with meth, um I finally had to wave the red flag, red flag.
00:02:59.439 --> 00:03:02.000
Yes, the red flag too, but the white flag as well.
00:03:02.159 --> 00:03:03.759
Finally, surrender, right?
00:03:03.919 --> 00:03:05.919
That was really fucking hard for me.
00:03:06.080 --> 00:03:11.360
Um vulnerability is never easy, um, but it is always freeing.
00:03:11.599 --> 00:03:17.759
So for clients that I work with who are high-functioning gay men, they're always excelling outwardly.
00:03:18.000 --> 00:03:21.520
And so asking for help often feels like admitting they're weak.
00:03:21.759 --> 00:03:23.599
Look, after all, we are men.
00:03:23.759 --> 00:03:26.879
Um men in general don't like asking for help.
00:03:26.960 --> 00:03:29.439
Um that's a broad stroke, but it's proven.
00:03:29.520 --> 00:03:32.159
Um, and they don't like talking about their feelings, right?
00:03:32.319 --> 00:03:38.400
But my guess is that they're also trying to prove something, uh, just like I was.
00:03:38.560 --> 00:03:44.800
So look, not asking for help is not asking for help is actually the weak, the weaker thing.
00:03:45.039 --> 00:03:47.520
It shows weakness to keep it all inside.
00:03:47.680 --> 00:03:50.400
Because it's the easy way out until it isn't.
00:03:50.560 --> 00:03:52.639
Um, but it also keeps you in bondage.
00:03:52.719 --> 00:04:01.039
And like all other facets of recovery, this behavior of asking for help can be very valuable to your growth as a whole person.
00:04:01.280 --> 00:04:14.479
So today we're talking, we're talking about silence, secrecy, containment, and really the importance of using your voice in chemsex recovery.
00:04:14.639 --> 00:04:21.680
So if you think about a friend who texts you, their name lights up on the screen, hey, been thinking about you.
00:04:21.920 --> 00:04:23.360
What is your answer?
00:04:24.160 --> 00:04:29.680
Your thumb might hover over a second before thinking about should I tell them how I am?
00:04:29.839 --> 00:04:32.720
But you type, I'm good, crazy busy week, how are you?
00:04:32.879 --> 00:04:35.519
You know, that deflective type text.
00:04:35.839 --> 00:04:43.759
Um, like it's just deflection, choosing to remain in misery, just choosing to not ask, not tell, don't ask, don't tell, right?
00:04:44.000 --> 00:04:48.959
But meanwhile, maybe you haven't been sleeping for three days, you've been scrolling in bed till 1 a.m.
00:04:49.439 --> 00:04:56.639
That old number of that user buddy saved somewhere in your phone, it's been secretly calling out to you, but you're not telling anybody.
00:04:56.800 --> 00:04:58.560
And why aren't you honest?
00:04:58.959 --> 00:05:01.439
Maybe it is you don't want to be a bother to your friend.
00:05:01.759 --> 00:05:03.600
Maybe they have their own problems, right?
00:05:03.759 --> 00:05:05.759
You don't want to seem like an ongoing mess.
00:05:05.920 --> 00:05:12.240
Maybe this has been going on for years, and you're like, you don't want to talk about it anymore, and you assume your friends don't either.
00:05:13.279 --> 00:05:18.800
Or are you holding it all in to give yourself a secret plan to use?
00:05:19.040 --> 00:05:20.560
There's that too, right?
00:05:20.800 --> 00:05:30.720
But what I see over and over is men who can't ask for help, they're usually, not all the time, but they're usually the one everyone else asks for help.
00:05:30.959 --> 00:05:31.279
Right?
00:05:31.360 --> 00:05:32.720
He's going to be the listener.
00:05:32.800 --> 00:05:34.240
He's the one that always shows up.
00:05:34.319 --> 00:05:37.839
He's the friend who remembers your birthday, checks in after your breakup.
00:05:37.920 --> 00:05:40.800
He's cool, chill, like he's the rock.
00:05:41.199 --> 00:05:43.759
He's very fluent at giving support.
00:05:44.079 --> 00:05:46.720
He's just not very fluent at receiving it.
00:05:46.959 --> 00:05:48.319
And where does that come from?
00:05:48.639 --> 00:05:50.000
Comes from a billion places.
00:05:50.079 --> 00:05:56.639
But for a lot of us, it goes back a long way, all the way to that secret spot from zero to seven years old, right?
00:05:56.720 --> 00:06:01.439
You grew up in a house maybe where needing something felt dangerous or wrong.
00:06:01.519 --> 00:06:06.639
Um, you know, the safest thing for you to do is to be low maintenance, no trouble.
00:06:06.959 --> 00:06:20.879
You want to be easy to love because the ones that are giving you that love, that security, that safety, maybe they told you things like, you're too much, or any other, or even neglect, or nobody talked about anything, right?
00:06:20.959 --> 00:06:24.160
My dad used to tell me, you need to be seen and not heard.
00:06:24.480 --> 00:06:29.519
I'm surprised it wasn't not seen and not heard, but maybe he did say that sometimes.
00:06:29.600 --> 00:06:30.800
Um and that worked for me.
00:06:30.959 --> 00:06:32.319
It kept me safe, right?
00:06:32.480 --> 00:06:34.160
But that costs me now.
00:06:34.319 --> 00:06:36.319
As an adult, it's going to cost you.
00:06:36.560 --> 00:06:40.240
Because underneath it is usually some version of I am not enough.
00:06:40.959 --> 00:06:47.680
So for somebody who's a helper, it usually sounds in their mind like my needs are too much.
00:06:48.079 --> 00:06:51.600
Or if they saw the real version of me, they'd probably leave.
00:06:51.839 --> 00:06:54.319
And then there's a sneakier piece to this.
00:06:54.480 --> 00:07:05.120
That's the myth part where all that extra niceness, all that extra showing up for everybody, all that extra service is just a way of building up your credit.
00:07:05.680 --> 00:07:11.519
So if you're the reliable one, nobody's going to ask you questions when you go quiet.
00:07:11.680 --> 00:07:18.399
Nobody's going to go looking for you or assuming or they even think or it occurred to them that something's wrong with you.
00:07:18.639 --> 00:07:22.000
That's an insidious way that meth can work.
00:07:22.240 --> 00:07:28.720
So we have to remember here, we talked about this a lot here, secrecy is the fuel for chemsex, especially meth.
00:07:28.879 --> 00:07:33.439
A craving that you you keep to yourself.
00:07:33.920 --> 00:07:36.800
In the dark will slowly build a charge.
00:07:36.879 --> 00:07:38.160
It builds momentum.
00:07:38.480 --> 00:07:42.560
It graduates to euphoric recall when you're thinking about it.
00:07:42.800 --> 00:07:46.879
Euphoric recall loves to grow in the darkness of your subconscious.
00:07:47.199 --> 00:07:52.720
Fantasy, and you begin to plan and you think about some good time you had.
00:07:53.199 --> 00:07:55.360
Shame works that way too.
00:07:55.680 --> 00:08:01.839
Shame needs silence, shame needs isolation, shame needs secrecy to keep its grip on you.
00:08:02.480 --> 00:08:09.199
So when you put something into words, you're putting it into the light, and the brain is going to respond differently to that.
00:08:09.439 --> 00:08:16.959
Because when you name a feeling out loud, it's going to turn down the emotional charge of that feeling.
00:08:17.199 --> 00:08:21.759
And oftentimes when you bring down the emotional charge of that feeling, it brings your brain back online.
00:08:22.319 --> 00:08:25.519
It interrupts that autopilot pattern you're in.
00:08:25.759 --> 00:08:32.000
So the thing you don't say, it gets to keep its power, and that power grows.
00:08:32.399 --> 00:08:37.840
The thing you say out loud, that will begin to lose power.
00:08:38.639 --> 00:08:40.720
And you don't want to discount this.
00:08:40.879 --> 00:08:42.799
Don't sleep on it, as a kid say.
00:08:43.120 --> 00:08:44.639
This is how it usually unfolds.
00:08:44.720 --> 00:08:47.360
So, like, first you you don't say what you need.
00:08:48.000 --> 00:08:51.440
Somebody asks you how you are, you don't say that either.
00:08:51.600 --> 00:08:53.279
You're just saying I'm fine.
00:08:53.519 --> 00:08:55.200
Then the craving shows up.
00:08:55.360 --> 00:08:57.120
You don't say that either.
00:08:57.360 --> 00:09:03.519
Then something happens that accelerates that craving, and you don't say that.
00:09:04.639 --> 00:09:12.159
Each of those silence levels makes the next one even easier, well, you could say harder to make to bring forth.
00:09:12.399 --> 00:09:14.320
It's like they they stack.
00:09:14.720 --> 00:09:24.720
So I've come to believe after a lot of years of doing this work and a lot of years of doing work on me, that the using is rarely what does the lasting damage.
00:09:24.879 --> 00:09:25.120
Right?
00:09:25.200 --> 00:09:26.879
It's the hiding it is.
00:09:27.360 --> 00:09:30.559
Hiding fuels your methose.
00:09:30.799 --> 00:09:34.799
Hiding is how one night turns into a weekend, weekend turns into weeks.
00:09:35.039 --> 00:09:43.360
The people who love you cannot help you with something they don't know about, especially those who aren't familiar with chemsex.
00:09:46.000 --> 00:09:47.759
So one of my clients tried this.
00:09:47.919 --> 00:09:49.919
It was something that that I'll tell you about.
00:09:50.080 --> 00:10:00.639
Whenever that that subtle pull showed up, even the first fleeting thought to use, he would pick his phone up, turn the camera on himself, and say it out loud.
00:10:00.799 --> 00:10:04.639
It was kind of like the post-relapse video, but pre-lapse, pre-relapse video.
00:10:04.960 --> 00:10:07.360
He said it out loud and exactly what he was thinking.
00:10:07.519 --> 00:10:09.679
He went into the details, the fantasy.
00:10:09.840 --> 00:10:11.519
This is what I'm planning, right?
00:10:11.600 --> 00:10:12.960
This is what he wanted to do next.
00:10:13.039 --> 00:10:14.399
This is the person I want to text.
00:10:14.559 --> 00:10:18.799
There wasn't any editing or or keeping it silent, just saying it all out loud.
00:10:19.039 --> 00:10:24.080
And like the first time he did that, it felt very cringy, and it's going to, very uncomfortable.
00:10:24.240 --> 00:10:29.840
But by the third time he did it, he would would begin to hear how it was sounding.
00:10:30.000 --> 00:10:32.559
It was beginning to sound like ridiculous.
00:10:32.799 --> 00:10:38.960
And then by that fifth time or whatever, the craving was gone because you've expressed it.
00:10:39.200 --> 00:10:41.039
You've gotten it out of here.
00:10:41.279 --> 00:10:43.200
Even if it's just to yourself.
00:10:43.440 --> 00:10:51.279
And think about this: that same phone that he used to hide on had now become the place where the craving died.
00:10:51.440 --> 00:10:52.720
It's reclamation.
00:10:54.159 --> 00:10:55.039
And that's the point.
00:10:55.200 --> 00:10:59.679
Using your voice, using your voice is a muscle.
00:11:00.240 --> 00:11:02.240
Especially if you're not used to asking for help.
00:11:02.399 --> 00:11:06.879
It has to be built over time and stretched to build.
00:11:07.120 --> 00:11:10.399
So one trip to the gym is not going to give you the body you need.
00:11:10.559 --> 00:11:17.039
One time sharing isn't going to be enough to shift over into, I'm an open book, total vulnerable, right?
00:11:17.200 --> 00:11:19.279
You have to build that muscle.
00:11:19.600 --> 00:11:26.399
And you're not the thing, the thing that men get blamed for, and I've done it before, I blamed men for this too.
00:11:26.639 --> 00:11:29.679
They're not silent because they're trying to be dishonest.
00:11:30.960 --> 00:11:45.279
They're silent because somewhere, along the road, somewhere, saying the truth brought them shame, brought them some kind of persecution, brought them something that said, I'm not enough.
00:11:46.080 --> 00:11:49.120
And it's that, and then it becomes self-rejection.
00:11:49.279 --> 00:11:58.399
So sometimes you're not saying it, not out of, I'm lying, just it's just so wrapped up in trauma and shame.
00:11:59.039 --> 00:12:05.679
That the part of you who was honest caused trouble at sometimes, at some point.
00:12:05.840 --> 00:12:10.879
So you rejected it, you shoved it down, and it became a shadow.
00:12:11.679 --> 00:12:14.879
And shadows operate in the background subconsciously.
00:12:15.039 --> 00:12:16.720
We've done a lot of podcasts on that.
00:12:17.200 --> 00:12:22.559
You will be dishonest oftentimes without even considering it.
00:12:22.720 --> 00:12:24.399
It's just natural.
00:12:24.639 --> 00:12:30.639
And at some point you experience that feeling of having made everything worse by opening your mouth.
00:12:30.799 --> 00:12:32.240
That's another reason why.
00:12:32.799 --> 00:12:34.159
It's stored in your body.
00:12:34.320 --> 00:12:36.480
Your body says, Don't be honest.
00:12:36.559 --> 00:12:37.840
I'm trying to protect you.
00:12:38.000 --> 00:12:39.279
Remember last time?
00:12:39.759 --> 00:12:41.120
Or whatever it was?
00:12:41.279 --> 00:12:42.639
There are a hundred other scenarios.
00:12:42.799 --> 00:12:44.320
Look, there's a thousand scenarios.
00:12:44.399 --> 00:12:50.240
And maybe you grew up in a family where you were told that you were too much or too dramatic or your feelings didn't matter or didn't care.
00:12:50.399 --> 00:12:51.759
Don't bother me with it, right?
00:12:51.919 --> 00:12:55.840
That's how shame gets built too, because you're rejecting the parts of yourself.
00:12:56.080 --> 00:12:58.399
And shame is what that keeps that silence going.
00:12:58.480 --> 00:12:59.279
It takes the grip.
00:12:59.360 --> 00:13:00.320
It keeps a grip on it.
00:13:00.480 --> 00:13:08.960
So I also see men shut down because of recovery groups who made them feel even more shame for continuing to use or making the same mistakes.
00:13:09.120 --> 00:13:10.240
I can't believe you're doing that.
00:13:10.399 --> 00:13:16.639
And they get, they at some point that walk of shame they have to do becomes so unbearable that they hide it.
00:13:16.720 --> 00:13:19.759
They sit there and lie about their days or they don't come back.
00:13:20.000 --> 00:13:25.600
So let's talk about how we can create this safe container with your recovery team.
00:13:25.679 --> 00:13:29.200
And even if your recovery team in this case is just one person.
00:13:29.600 --> 00:13:33.200
All right, so number one is set the container first.
00:13:34.320 --> 00:13:40.720
So before you tell them what's going on, you want to tell them how you need them to receive it.
00:13:41.759 --> 00:13:49.279
You can say something like, before I say this, I need you to know something about how to hear it, how to receive it.
00:13:49.519 --> 00:13:52.000
I'm going to share something very vulnerable.
00:13:52.240 --> 00:13:57.840
Because sometimes people that don't understand addiction or especially chemsex, you tell them I'm having a craving, they fucking panic.
00:13:58.559 --> 00:14:02.480
They panic, and when they panic, it makes you panic, right?
00:14:02.799 --> 00:14:11.039
So you tell them that maybe you're going to might hear some things here that sound shocking to you, but please do not react right away.
00:14:11.200 --> 00:14:12.879
Don't try to fix it for me.
00:14:13.039 --> 00:14:14.720
Don't try to tell me what to do.
00:14:14.960 --> 00:14:16.559
Don't look scared.
00:14:16.799 --> 00:14:18.080
Just stay with me.
00:14:18.320 --> 00:14:19.039
Can you do that?
00:14:19.200 --> 00:14:24.080
So sometimes this could be over text, sometimes it could be over FaceTime if you're looking at them, right?
00:14:24.159 --> 00:14:25.279
If you're telling them.
00:14:25.919 --> 00:14:30.000
And even over text, people can still, you know, express dramatically.
00:14:30.159 --> 00:14:37.120
But you're just asking for one thing: that they don't make a face or they don't react, right?
00:14:37.360 --> 00:14:52.080
Because if they do flinch or grimace or whatever, or gasp, you know, or panic, or start to tell you what the solution should be, your brain may read that as proof that you should never have said anything in the first place.
00:14:52.240 --> 00:14:53.519
That's the shame.
00:14:53.919 --> 00:14:58.720
And shame is what's going to send you right back into hiding in isolation.
00:14:59.360 --> 00:15:03.279
All right, number two, tell them what a flinch does.
00:15:03.519 --> 00:15:05.919
A flinch, a grimace, a reaction.
00:15:06.159 --> 00:15:14.159
I've had a lot of men come to my program who try to tell their therapist something about chemsex and they got a reaction on their face, they're done.
00:15:14.559 --> 00:15:17.919
Look, when these people do flinch, they're not trying to be cruel.
00:15:18.000 --> 00:15:20.399
They're not trying to be dramatic, they just don't know.
00:15:20.799 --> 00:15:22.879
So tell them, like prepare them.
00:15:22.960 --> 00:15:26.559
Look, if you react in a big way, I'm going to shut down.
00:15:26.799 --> 00:15:30.080
I'm going to wish I hadn't said it, and I'm not going to come back to you.
00:15:30.240 --> 00:15:31.679
This is how this works for me.
00:15:31.759 --> 00:15:34.559
So I need you to keep your face calm.
00:15:34.799 --> 00:15:39.840
I need you to stay calm, even if what I'm saying is a lot for you.
00:15:40.159 --> 00:15:43.600
And many people can do this if they are prepared for it.
00:15:43.840 --> 00:15:47.279
Many people want to help you, they just don't know how.
00:15:47.679 --> 00:15:55.840
This is again you becoming the executive of your recovery, you taking charge of it, you training those people around you.
00:15:56.480 --> 00:16:04.240
They don't understand that some slight facial expression could make you scurry away in early recovery, right?
00:16:04.320 --> 00:16:05.919
And when you first started doing this.
00:16:06.080 --> 00:16:06.559
All right.
00:16:06.799 --> 00:16:09.600
So tell them what helps instead.
00:16:09.759 --> 00:16:10.799
Give them an option, right?
00:16:10.879 --> 00:16:13.200
Give them something to do because don't react.
00:16:13.360 --> 00:16:15.279
You know, it it it's too vague a little bit.
00:16:15.360 --> 00:16:17.200
They're not they're not going to know what that means.
00:16:17.759 --> 00:16:29.440
So you could say something like, if you want to help while I'm talking, maybe you can say something like, Thank you for telling me, or that must feel difficult, right?
00:16:29.919 --> 00:16:32.080
Those two things will keep you talking.
00:16:32.320 --> 00:16:35.120
Advice will stop me.
00:16:36.399 --> 00:16:38.240
Advice will stop me.
00:16:38.639 --> 00:16:41.679
There is nothing worse than unsolicited advice.
00:16:42.000 --> 00:16:42.879
I'm telling you.
00:16:43.120 --> 00:16:44.960
In my world, I don't know about you.
00:16:45.200 --> 00:16:47.120
I fucking hate unsolicited advice.
00:16:47.360 --> 00:16:49.120
If I need advice, I'll ask for it.
00:16:49.200 --> 00:16:50.559
This is the rule that I have with my kids.
00:16:50.720 --> 00:16:54.320
They do not ask me for advice unless they want it.
00:16:55.039 --> 00:16:58.000
I do not give them advice unless they ask.
00:16:58.320 --> 00:16:58.799
Period.
00:16:58.960 --> 00:17:02.559
We this has been the same way since they were teenagers.
00:17:02.879 --> 00:17:04.640
Because there's I'm wasting my breath.
00:17:05.359 --> 00:17:07.200
They're gonna do whatever the fuck they're gonna do.
00:17:07.359 --> 00:17:11.200
But if they ask me for advice, that means they're looking for it and they're open to receive.
00:17:11.519 --> 00:17:13.279
All right, anyway, rabbit troll.
00:17:13.599 --> 00:17:19.119
You can also tell them if all else fails, you don't know what to say, ask me a question.
00:17:19.359 --> 00:17:22.480
Or how can I support you or something like that, right?
00:17:22.799 --> 00:17:27.759
Or tell them it's okay for you to say, I don't know what to say here, but I'm here for you.
00:17:27.920 --> 00:17:29.200
That's good enough too.
00:17:29.440 --> 00:17:33.440
All right, the next one is tell them how tell them why you're telling them.
00:17:33.680 --> 00:17:35.200
Tell them why you're telling them.
00:17:35.599 --> 00:17:42.880
This is so it might be a little difficult to say, it might it might be a little too vulnerable for you, but I do feel it's necessary when you're ready.
00:17:43.039 --> 00:17:48.799
You can say something like, I'm telling you this because you're the person I trust with it.
00:17:49.279 --> 00:17:53.279
And I need you to know how to hold it in this container.
00:17:53.680 --> 00:17:59.119
So don't, please, don't take away the one place I feel I can be honest.
00:17:59.759 --> 00:18:03.599
People will rise to the occasion if they feel they're being needed.
00:18:03.839 --> 00:18:05.440
People want to help you.
00:18:05.680 --> 00:18:09.200
So frame it in a way, frame it that way, right?
00:18:09.279 --> 00:18:12.160
And it stops sounding like this list of demands.
00:18:12.559 --> 00:18:18.240
This is the this stop sounding like you're trying to be bossy and high maintenance.
00:18:18.480 --> 00:18:19.759
I trust you with this.
00:18:19.920 --> 00:18:21.359
I need this container.
00:18:21.519 --> 00:18:23.279
I'm asking you, right?
00:18:23.680 --> 00:18:27.440
All right, number five, give them a way to come back to you.
00:18:27.680 --> 00:18:39.680
So because this container has to work over time, you can also say, if I shut down anyway, no matter what you do, I might go quiet anyway.
00:18:39.839 --> 00:18:48.400
That is not me punishing you, that is not me running, that's just me protecting myself because this is like walking through a fucking landmine field.
00:18:49.119 --> 00:18:53.920
And anything in me feels like it might explode at any minute.
00:18:54.160 --> 00:18:57.680
If you notice I go quiet, just say, you know what?
00:18:57.759 --> 00:19:01.119
You don't have to tell me everything, just so I'm not going anywhere.
00:19:01.279 --> 00:19:03.039
One little text is fine.
00:19:03.279 --> 00:19:04.880
That will bring me back.
00:19:05.119 --> 00:19:08.480
And look, you can tailor these, tailor these to yourself.
00:19:08.799 --> 00:19:11.519
And the same thing for the person on the other end, right?
00:19:11.599 --> 00:19:26.720
If if somebody you can tell, if you're listening and you're the loved one, or you want to tell somebody else if somebody you love is struggling and you want them to be able to talk to you, then you can say something like this like, you can tell me the hard stuff.
00:19:26.880 --> 00:19:30.720
I won't fall apart, I won't lecture you, and I won't make it weird.
00:19:30.880 --> 00:19:37.440
And even if I get quiet, all that means is I'm thinking, but I am not judging you.
00:19:37.759 --> 00:19:42.079
I am doing the best I can with what I have, right?
00:19:42.640 --> 00:19:49.279
That's how you build a vulnerable, strong container that does not lead to shame.
00:19:50.000 --> 00:19:55.839
It's not hoping the other person knows how to hold it and then bitching when they don't, right?
00:19:56.160 --> 00:19:59.359
This is you being very clear about boundaries.
00:19:59.599 --> 00:20:06.000
By saying the true thing, you're saying all this out loud and saying how to receive it.
00:20:06.559 --> 00:20:11.119
So here's five ways to say it out loud, by the way.
00:20:11.359 --> 00:20:14.880
So you don't have to do all of these, you can just pick one.
00:20:15.039 --> 00:20:16.319
But here's some advice.
00:20:16.640 --> 00:20:18.559
Say what you need.
00:20:20.160 --> 00:20:24.400
So you begin this by asking for very small needs.
00:20:24.559 --> 00:20:31.839
If it's a struggle for you, if it literally hurts your body to ask, say what you need, start very small.
00:20:32.000 --> 00:20:33.920
This is how you build the muscle.
00:20:34.079 --> 00:20:36.480
You start with a little weight, right?
00:20:36.880 --> 00:20:38.960
So that the muscle builds over time.
00:20:39.119 --> 00:20:44.480
You're starting small so that when the needs get more urgent, it's going to be easier for you.
00:20:44.559 --> 00:20:46.240
It's not a heavy lift.
00:20:46.799 --> 00:20:48.079
What do you need today?
00:20:48.240 --> 00:20:49.839
Maybe it's a hug.
00:20:50.240 --> 00:20:51.440
Who could you ask?
00:20:51.920 --> 00:20:53.759
What's stopping you from asking for a hug?
00:20:53.920 --> 00:20:54.720
I don't know.
00:20:55.039 --> 00:20:58.319
Maybe it's actually speaking up about what you want to eat for dinner.
00:20:58.799 --> 00:20:59.440
Right?
00:20:59.680 --> 00:21:01.920
Okay, next, say how you are.
00:21:02.079 --> 00:21:10.240
So the next time somebody asks, How are you doing, give something that is a little more true than I'm fine.
00:21:10.880 --> 00:21:11.519
Something.
00:21:12.160 --> 00:21:18.400
You want to move beyond I'm okay, I'm fine today, and then deflecting back to them.
00:21:18.720 --> 00:21:20.240
Give a little more detail.
00:21:20.400 --> 00:21:25.759
Something that feels just a teeny bit more uncomfortable, but doesn't shock your system.
00:21:26.079 --> 00:21:28.720
All right, so say the craving.
00:21:28.960 --> 00:21:30.720
Name it out loud.
00:21:31.039 --> 00:21:31.359
Okay.
00:21:32.079 --> 00:21:37.519
You can when that craving comes up, if you're not ready to say it to somebody else, say it to your phone.
00:21:37.680 --> 00:21:40.480
Say it to yourself, say it out loud.
00:21:41.759 --> 00:21:42.960
I'm in it right now.
00:21:43.039 --> 00:21:45.119
I'm ha I'm experiencing a craving.
00:21:45.200 --> 00:21:46.880
That's enough sometimes.
00:21:47.200 --> 00:21:52.000
That window of that craving building is very small.
00:21:52.640 --> 00:21:59.759
Because a craving is a thought, a thought is energy, that energy will grow quickly.
00:22:00.400 --> 00:22:06.480
If added more energy, more panic, more thoughts, we want to take the charge out of it.
00:22:06.559 --> 00:22:17.279
So as soon as you have a fleeting feeling to use or plan to use, get it out of your body as soon as possible.
00:22:18.559 --> 00:22:20.880
Okay, say what happened.
00:22:21.200 --> 00:22:28.960
If you use, tell somebody within 24 hours of that user when you can.
00:22:29.119 --> 00:22:30.799
Tell people right away.
00:22:31.039 --> 00:22:35.359
Not at your scheduled call with them or not when you're going to see your therapist.
00:22:35.519 --> 00:22:40.000
Once you've pulled yourself together enough in the come down, the sooner the better.
00:22:40.240 --> 00:22:45.359
The sooner it's one night instead of the start of a binge.
00:22:46.079 --> 00:22:47.599
Tell on yourself.
00:22:48.319 --> 00:22:56.640
And also say this to somebody who is trained, who won't react, who won't do the flinching.
00:22:57.039 --> 00:23:02.000
The wrong listener, untrained, is going to make this worse.
00:23:02.480 --> 00:23:13.359
Pick somebody who can hear the real version without falling apart and without telling you how to fix it without being asked.
00:23:13.680 --> 00:23:19.519
And if you're not sure how to ask for that, use some of these words I gave you, some of these scenarios, right?
00:23:19.599 --> 00:23:21.839
And tailor it to yourself.
00:23:22.720 --> 00:23:29.519
But you want to ask before you're in the middle of euphoric recall, because then you're not going to ask.
00:23:38.319 --> 00:23:39.279
To one person.
00:23:40.160 --> 00:23:41.200
Once a week.
00:23:43.200 --> 00:23:48.880
So that the next time somebody texts you, that light comes up on your screen and you're feeling like shit.
00:23:49.839 --> 00:23:51.599
You know what you'd normally type.
00:23:52.000 --> 00:23:55.759
How about something that's a little more true?
00:23:56.799 --> 00:23:58.880
I am not okay.
00:24:02.559 --> 00:24:09.920
And you can even say, I don't want to go into detail, but I love you, but I am not okay right now.
00:24:11.039 --> 00:24:19.599
There is something about this culture right now where it's not okay to be not okay.
00:24:20.559 --> 00:24:23.920
You have to be fucking Pollyanna all the time.
00:24:24.079 --> 00:24:27.599
And you're not going to be that way in chemsex recovery.
00:24:27.759 --> 00:24:31.519
Your emotions are all over the place, your brain is scrambling to heal.
00:24:31.759 --> 00:24:33.759
You're exhausted all the time.
00:24:33.920 --> 00:24:38.000
You're trying not to use, and that's a big bulk of your energy every day.
00:24:38.240 --> 00:24:41.599
You are not going to be okay sometimes.
00:24:42.720 --> 00:24:48.960
But you need you need a space where you can say that.
00:24:50.480 --> 00:25:01.039
You need a non-judgmental space where it's safe, psychologically safe to say, I am not okay.
00:25:02.160 --> 00:25:11.759
Not feel shame about it, not feel guilt about it, not have somebody fucking go crazy and go and make it all worse, right?
00:25:12.319 --> 00:25:14.960
Now, you may have to ask for somebody.
00:25:15.119 --> 00:25:25.599
If if not okay means you have a text ready to send to the dealer or something like that, you may have to ask for somebody to come over, or you may have to ask them to have you over.
00:25:25.839 --> 00:25:26.720
All of that.
00:25:26.960 --> 00:25:29.759
Everything that I've ever said, yes.
00:25:30.799 --> 00:25:33.680
But sometimes it's okay to say I am not okay.
00:25:33.839 --> 00:25:41.519
And that could be one step closer to you being more transparent, more honest, and asking for help.
00:25:41.759 --> 00:25:45.440
Because the next text, the next time could be, I'm not okay.
00:25:45.759 --> 00:25:47.039
Could you help me?
00:25:47.279 --> 00:25:48.559
Could you support me?
00:25:48.799 --> 00:25:50.240
Could you talk to me?
00:25:50.559 --> 00:25:52.400
Could you come over right now?
00:25:53.599 --> 00:25:57.519
Some of you asking for that feels like fucking torture.
00:25:59.039 --> 00:26:04.319
But you have you can't go from where you are to that overnight.
00:26:04.799 --> 00:26:06.400
All right, hope that helps.
00:26:06.559 --> 00:26:07.440
Love you guys.
00:26:07.680 --> 00:26:09.519
Have a great week.
