WEBVTT
00:00:06.480 --> 00:00:19.280
Welcome to toddlers Made Easy, where there's no fluff, just practical, research-based parenting strategies to help you calmly manage all those crazy awesome toddler moments.
00:00:19.519 --> 00:00:21.600
For those of you who don't know me, I'm Dr.
00:00:21.760 --> 00:00:26.960
Catherine, a recently retired pediatrician with more than 40 years of experience.
00:00:27.120 --> 00:00:40.960
I'm the author of three parenting books, the founder of Healthiest Baby, and most importantly, I'm the mother of four amazing adult kids, and then there's Smudge, my great big golden doodle, who thinks he's a lapdog.
00:00:41.119 --> 00:00:44.240
Today we're talking about little kid fears.
00:00:44.479 --> 00:00:50.640
Maybe your child used to take a bath happily, and now he or she is terrified they'll get sucked down the drain.
00:00:50.799 --> 00:00:55.200
Or they used to sleep in a dark room and suddenly they want the hall light on.
00:00:55.359 --> 00:01:02.799
Or they've become afraid of dogs or the vacuum cleaner, public toilets, strangers, or a noise that didn't bother them last week.
00:01:03.039 --> 00:01:06.959
You may wonder if something happened that's making your child fearful.
00:01:07.200 --> 00:01:13.519
But new fears during the toddler and preschool years are a very normal part of development.
00:01:13.680 --> 00:01:18.799
And one reason is actually something wonderful that's happening in your child's brain.
00:01:18.959 --> 00:01:21.120
Their imagination is growing.
00:01:21.359 --> 00:01:27.040
You see it when a banana becomes a telephone, or your child makes a cappuccino for her stuffed animal.
00:01:27.280 --> 00:01:31.519
Your toddler can now think about something that isn't actually in front of them.
00:01:31.680 --> 00:01:34.480
And that's a big developmental leap.
00:01:34.799 --> 00:01:36.799
But there's another side to it.
00:01:37.040 --> 00:01:41.840
Your child has a vivid imagination, but lacks the tools to manage it.
00:01:42.000 --> 00:01:48.400
So the toddler who can imagine the Teddy needs his coffee can also imagine something scary in the dark.
00:01:48.560 --> 00:01:56.480
And while you can think, well, there's obviously no monster behind the curtain, your child may not be able to reassure themselves so easily.
00:01:56.640 --> 00:02:00.319
Their fears feel real even when the danger isn't.
00:02:00.480 --> 00:02:09.360
So if your child seemed fearless, let's say six months ago and is suddenly afraid of things that never bothered them before, it doesn't mean they're regressing.
00:02:09.520 --> 00:02:14.879
Their thinking has become more sophisticated, and there's another important piece to understand.
00:02:15.199 --> 00:02:18.000
Fear in itself, it isn't really bad.
00:02:18.240 --> 00:02:21.919
Fear is part of a system that helps humans stay safe.
00:02:22.080 --> 00:02:27.680
It makes us pay attention when something is new or unexpected or potentially dangerous.
00:02:27.840 --> 00:02:36.400
The difference is that we've had decades of experience to help figure out whether something is actually a threat, while a young child doesn't.
00:02:36.560 --> 00:02:38.800
I saw this recently with my granddaughter.
00:02:38.960 --> 00:02:43.919
She was happily playing in our toy room when she heard a noise she hadn't heard before.
00:02:44.080 --> 00:02:49.039
She immediately ran to the couch, climbed up, and she pulled a throw over herself.
00:02:49.199 --> 00:02:52.719
And from a toddler's point of view, that makes perfect sense.
00:02:53.039 --> 00:02:58.879
You and I hear a strange noise in the house, and we can usually come up with a few possible explanations.
00:02:59.039 --> 00:03:04.000
Maybe the furnace came on, maybe someone closed a door, maybe something fell upstairs.
00:03:04.159 --> 00:03:08.800
Little kids have a much smaller library of experience to draw from.
00:03:08.960 --> 00:03:12.479
So my granddaughter simply didn't know what that sound meant yet.
00:03:12.639 --> 00:03:15.599
Toddlers are constantly building that library.
00:03:15.759 --> 00:03:18.319
The blender is loud, but it doesn't hurt me.
00:03:18.479 --> 00:03:21.599
Water disappears down the drain, but I don't.
00:03:21.759 --> 00:03:26.080
The automatic toilet makes a huge noise, but then it stops.
00:03:26.240 --> 00:03:29.759
And each experience adds something to that library.
00:03:29.919 --> 00:03:33.280
This is where we adults can get ourselves into trouble, however.
00:03:33.520 --> 00:03:35.520
Because we know there's no danger.
00:03:35.759 --> 00:03:37.919
We try to explain the fear away.
00:03:38.159 --> 00:03:40.159
There's nothing to be afraid of, sweetheart.
00:03:40.319 --> 00:03:42.319
The vacuum cleaner can't hurt you.
00:03:42.479 --> 00:03:44.879
There's no monster in your room.
00:03:45.120 --> 00:03:46.560
It's just a toilet.
00:03:46.800 --> 00:03:52.159
Well, we mean well, but logic isn't enough to settle a frightened toddler.
00:03:52.319 --> 00:03:54.080
Think about it from this perspective.
00:03:54.319 --> 00:03:56.400
Think about watching a scary movie.
00:03:56.639 --> 00:04:08.400
You know you're sitting safely on the couch, you know the person chasing someone across the screen can't climb out, but something suddenly jumps onto the screen and your body still reacts.
00:04:08.560 --> 00:04:10.879
Your heart pounds, maybe you even jump.
00:04:11.039 --> 00:04:15.039
And you have years of adult reasoning telling you the movie isn't real.
00:04:15.199 --> 00:04:20.639
Well your toddler doesn't, and the skills they use to calm themselves, well, they're still developing.
00:04:20.879 --> 00:04:27.680
So when we say there's nothing to be afraid of, we're kind of dismissing what feels very real to them.
00:04:27.839 --> 00:04:32.480
So instead, start with the feeling you got scared when you heard that noise.
00:04:32.639 --> 00:04:34.160
The vacuum scared you.
00:04:34.399 --> 00:04:36.240
You're feeling scared in your room.
00:04:36.399 --> 00:04:39.040
You don't have to agree there's a monster in the closet.
00:04:39.199 --> 00:04:42.399
Just notice and acknowledge that your child feels afraid.
00:04:42.560 --> 00:04:52.240
There's another really simple way we can help as well, especially when we know something unfamiliar is about to happen, and that is prepare them for it.
00:04:52.480 --> 00:04:54.879
I saw this with my granddaughter just yesterday.
00:04:55.040 --> 00:04:58.480
She was over for dinner and we had some guests staying with us.
00:04:58.800 --> 00:05:07.360
Sloane, my granddaughter, can be hesitant with people she doesn't know, and she's often that little girl who hides behind your leg when someone new appears.
00:05:07.519 --> 00:05:18.319
Now I knew our guests would be coming downstairs, so before they did, I told her they were here and that they were going to be joining us and walking down the stairs in a few moments.
00:05:18.480 --> 00:05:21.360
I didn't make a big deal about it, I just prepared her.
00:05:21.600 --> 00:05:26.079
That meant these unfamiliar people didn't suddenly appear out of nowhere.
00:05:26.319 --> 00:05:29.360
And this time Sloane didn't hide, she was curious.
00:05:29.600 --> 00:05:32.560
She went over and showed them her new Peppa Pig watch.
00:05:32.800 --> 00:05:36.480
Toddlers have so little control over what happens in their day.
00:05:36.639 --> 00:05:40.639
People arrive, machines make loud noises, toilets flush.
00:05:40.879 --> 00:05:43.920
Mum says it's time to leave, a dog barks.
00:05:44.160 --> 00:05:52.240
When we know something is coming that might be unfamiliar and even unpleasant, giving our child a little warning can help.
00:05:52.480 --> 00:05:55.120
The blender's going to be loud when I turn it on.
00:05:55.360 --> 00:05:57.920
The toilet flush is going to sound loud.
00:05:58.079 --> 00:06:00.240
Some people are coming over for dinner.
00:06:00.399 --> 00:06:02.560
The doctor is going to look in your ears.
00:06:02.800 --> 00:06:13.199
We can't prepare children for every surprise, and we don't really need to, but a little predictability can make an unfamiliar experience feel much more manageable.
00:06:13.439 --> 00:06:17.439
When fears happen, give your child words for what they're feeling.
00:06:17.680 --> 00:06:22.000
Toddlers experience big emotions long before they can explain them.
00:06:22.160 --> 00:06:30.319
So they communicate with their bodies, they cling, they cry, they run away, they might even kick or hit you when they feel overwhelmed.
00:06:30.560 --> 00:06:40.319
Imagine you arrive at a birthday party, you ring the doorbell, your toddler hears a house full of noisy kids and immediately wraps both arms around your legs.
00:06:40.480 --> 00:06:42.959
And you say, You're scared to go inside.
00:06:43.120 --> 00:06:45.920
There's a lot of people and it's really noisy.
00:06:46.079 --> 00:06:48.480
You can stay with me until you feel ready.
00:06:48.639 --> 00:06:55.199
Here you see you're helping your child connect the sensation they're experiencing with a word, scared.
00:06:55.439 --> 00:07:01.279
Over time, that emotional vocabulary gives them another way to communicate what's happening.
00:07:01.519 --> 00:07:08.480
Now, accepting a fear doesn't mean we arrange life so our children never encounter anything that frightens them.
00:07:08.800 --> 00:07:10.240
Think small steps.
00:07:10.480 --> 00:07:14.560
My third child, Max, was afraid of the dark when he was about three years old.
00:07:14.720 --> 00:07:19.600
We did all the supportive things, but after a few months his fear really wasn't decreasing.
00:07:19.759 --> 00:07:23.600
So I asked him, What do you think would help you feel safer in the dark?
00:07:23.759 --> 00:07:24.959
And he said, You.
00:07:25.199 --> 00:07:40.720
So we came up with a plan when we started sitting in the dark together, at first just for a moment, and then we gradually stayed a little longer, I'd tell him a story, and eventually Max could sit in the dark briefly without me, and later he was able to go to sleep in the dark on his own.
00:07:40.959 --> 00:07:48.480
We didn't tell him his fear was ridiculous, but we also didn't decide that the solution was keeping every light on forever.
00:07:48.720 --> 00:07:54.079
We helped him approach something that scared him in small, manageable steps.
00:07:54.240 --> 00:08:00.079
And each time he got another piece of information, like I was afraid and I was okay.
00:08:00.240 --> 00:08:05.759
So when your toddler suddenly becomes afraid, try to see the situation through their eyes.
00:08:06.000 --> 00:08:09.680
Acknowledge what they're experiencing, give the feeling a name.
00:08:09.920 --> 00:08:17.199
Prepare them when you know something unfamiliar is coming, and when they're ready, help them approach the fear in small steps.
00:08:17.439 --> 00:08:23.279
If your toddler suddenly seems more fearful than they used to be, don't assume something has gone wrong.
00:08:23.439 --> 00:08:31.920
Their imagination is expanding, but their ability to reason through those possibilities and manage the fear is still developing.
00:08:32.159 --> 00:08:37.200
They simply haven't had enough years on this planet to know what you know.
00:08:37.440 --> 00:08:40.000
And that's really what it all comes down to.
00:08:40.240 --> 00:08:46.480
Your job isn't to convince your toddler that nothing is scary, and it isn't to make sure they never feel afraid.
00:08:46.639 --> 00:08:54.879
It's to help them learn, little by little, what's safe, what they can handle, and what they can do when something scares them.
00:08:55.120 --> 00:09:07.279
Every loud blender that turns off, every automatic toilet they survive, every dark room they sit in for one minute, every new person they eventually come out from behind your legs to meet.
00:09:07.600 --> 00:09:11.600
Those experiences become part of that library they're building.
00:09:11.759 --> 00:09:16.799
And over time, they have more to draw from when the next scary thing comes along.
00:09:17.039 --> 00:09:20.080
They don't need you to make every fear disappear.
00:09:20.240 --> 00:09:29.279
They need you there while they learn that feeling afraid doesn't always mean they're in danger and that little by little they can handle more than they think.
00:09:29.519 --> 00:09:31.840
Thank you for listening to today's episode.
00:09:32.000 --> 00:09:35.679
Keep up the good work, and I'll see you next week.
00:00:06.480 --> 00:00:19.280
Welcome to toddlers Made Easy, where there's no fluff, just practical, research-based parenting strategies to help you calmly manage all those crazy awesome toddler moments.
00:00:19.519 --> 00:00:21.600
For those of you who don't know me, I'm Dr.
00:00:21.760 --> 00:00:26.960
Catherine, a recently retired pediatrician with more than 40 years of experience.
00:00:27.120 --> 00:00:40.960
I'm the author of three parenting books, the founder of Healthiest Baby, and most importantly, I'm the mother of four amazing adult kids, and then there's Smudge, my great big golden doodle, who thinks he's a lapdog.
00:00:41.119 --> 00:00:44.240
Today we're talking about little kid fears.
00:00:44.479 --> 00:00:50.640
Maybe your child used to take a bath happily, and now he or she is terrified they'll get sucked down the drain.
00:00:50.799 --> 00:00:55.200
Or they used to sleep in a dark room and suddenly they want the hall light on.
00:00:55.359 --> 00:01:02.799
Or they've become afraid of dogs or the vacuum cleaner, public toilets, strangers, or a noise that didn't bother them last week.
00:01:03.039 --> 00:01:06.959
You may wonder if something happened that's making your child fearful.
00:01:07.200 --> 00:01:13.519
But new fears during the toddler and preschool years are a very normal part of development.
00:01:13.680 --> 00:01:18.799
And one reason is actually something wonderful that's happening in your child's brain.
00:01:18.959 --> 00:01:21.120
Their imagination is growing.
00:01:21.359 --> 00:01:27.040
You see it when a banana becomes a telephone, or your child makes a cappuccino for her stuffed animal.
00:01:27.280 --> 00:01:31.519
Your toddler can now think about something that isn't actually in front of them.
00:01:31.680 --> 00:01:34.480
And that's a big developmental leap.
00:01:34.799 --> 00:01:36.799
But there's another side to it.
00:01:37.040 --> 00:01:41.840
Your child has a vivid imagination, but lacks the tools to manage it.
00:01:42.000 --> 00:01:48.400
So the toddler who can imagine the Teddy needs his coffee can also imagine something scary in the dark.
00:01:48.560 --> 00:01:56.480
And while you can think, well, there's obviously no monster behind the curtain, your child may not be able to reassure themselves so easily.
00:01:56.640 --> 00:02:00.319
Their fears feel real even when the danger isn't.
00:02:00.480 --> 00:02:09.360
So if your child seemed fearless, let's say six months ago and is suddenly afraid of things that never bothered them before, it doesn't mean they're regressing.
00:02:09.520 --> 00:02:14.879
Their thinking has become more sophisticated, and there's another important piece to understand.
00:02:15.199 --> 00:02:18.000
Fear in itself, it isn't really bad.
00:02:18.240 --> 00:02:21.919
Fear is part of a system that helps humans stay safe.
00:02:22.080 --> 00:02:27.680
It makes us pay attention when something is new or unexpected or potentially dangerous.
00:02:27.840 --> 00:02:36.400
The difference is that we've had decades of experience to help figure out whether something is actually a threat, while a young child doesn't.
00:02:36.560 --> 00:02:38.800
I saw this recently with my granddaughter.
00:02:38.960 --> 00:02:43.919
She was happily playing in our toy room when she heard a noise she hadn't heard before.
00:02:44.080 --> 00:02:49.039
She immediately ran to the couch, climbed up, and she pulled a throw over herself.
00:02:49.199 --> 00:02:52.719
And from a toddler's point of view, that makes perfect sense.
00:02:53.039 --> 00:02:58.879
You and I hear a strange noise in the house, and we can usually come up with a few possible explanations.
00:02:59.039 --> 00:03:04.000
Maybe the furnace came on, maybe someone closed a door, maybe something fell upstairs.
00:03:04.159 --> 00:03:08.800
Little kids have a much smaller library of experience to draw from.
00:03:08.960 --> 00:03:12.479
So my granddaughter simply didn't know what that sound meant yet.
00:03:12.639 --> 00:03:15.599
Toddlers are constantly building that library.
00:03:15.759 --> 00:03:18.319
The blender is loud, but it doesn't hurt me.
00:03:18.479 --> 00:03:21.599
Water disappears down the drain, but I don't.
00:03:21.759 --> 00:03:26.080
The automatic toilet makes a huge noise, but then it stops.
00:03:26.240 --> 00:03:29.759
And each experience adds something to that library.
00:03:29.919 --> 00:03:33.280
This is where we adults can get ourselves into trouble, however.
00:03:33.520 --> 00:03:35.520
Because we know there's no danger.
00:03:35.759 --> 00:03:37.919
We try to explain the fear away.
00:03:38.159 --> 00:03:40.159
There's nothing to be afraid of, sweetheart.
00:03:40.319 --> 00:03:42.319
The vacuum cleaner can't hurt you.
00:03:42.479 --> 00:03:44.879
There's no monster in your room.
00:03:45.120 --> 00:03:46.560
It's just a toilet.
00:03:46.800 --> 00:03:52.159
Well, we mean well, but logic isn't enough to settle a frightened toddler.
00:03:52.319 --> 00:03:54.080
Think about it from this perspective.
00:03:54.319 --> 00:03:56.400
Think about watching a scary movie.
00:03:56.639 --> 00:04:08.400
You know you're sitting safely on the couch, you know the person chasing someone across the screen can't climb out, but something suddenly jumps onto the screen and your body still reacts.
00:04:08.560 --> 00:04:10.879
Your heart pounds, maybe you even jump.
00:04:11.039 --> 00:04:15.039
And you have years of adult reasoning telling you the movie isn't real.
00:04:15.199 --> 00:04:20.639
Well your toddler doesn't, and the skills they use to calm themselves, well, they're still developing.
00:04:20.879 --> 00:04:27.680
So when we say there's nothing to be afraid of, we're kind of dismissing what feels very real to them.
00:04:27.839 --> 00:04:32.480
So instead, start with the feeling you got scared when you heard that noise.
00:04:32.639 --> 00:04:34.160
The vacuum scared you.
00:04:34.399 --> 00:04:36.240
You're feeling scared in your room.
00:04:36.399 --> 00:04:39.040
You don't have to agree there's a monster in the closet.
00:04:39.199 --> 00:04:42.399
Just notice and acknowledge that your child feels afraid.
00:04:42.560 --> 00:04:52.240
There's another really simple way we can help as well, especially when we know something unfamiliar is about to happen, and that is prepare them for it.
00:04:52.480 --> 00:04:54.879
I saw this with my granddaughter just yesterday.
00:04:55.040 --> 00:04:58.480
She was over for dinner and we had some guests staying with us.
00:04:58.800 --> 00:05:07.360
Sloane, my granddaughter, can be hesitant with people she doesn't know, and she's often that little girl who hides behind your leg when someone new appears.
00:05:07.519 --> 00:05:18.319
Now I knew our guests would be coming downstairs, so before they did, I told her they were here and that they were going to be joining us and walking down the stairs in a few moments.
00:05:18.480 --> 00:05:21.360
I didn't make a big deal about it, I just prepared her.
00:05:21.600 --> 00:05:26.079
That meant these unfamiliar people didn't suddenly appear out of nowhere.
00:05:26.319 --> 00:05:29.360
And this time Sloane didn't hide, she was curious.
00:05:29.600 --> 00:05:32.560
She went over and showed them her new Peppa Pig watch.
00:05:32.800 --> 00:05:36.480
Toddlers have so little control over what happens in their day.
00:05:36.639 --> 00:05:40.639
People arrive, machines make loud noises, toilets flush.
00:05:40.879 --> 00:05:43.920
Mum says it's time to leave, a dog barks.
00:05:44.160 --> 00:05:52.240
When we know something is coming that might be unfamiliar and even unpleasant, giving our child a little warning can help.
00:05:52.480 --> 00:05:55.120
The blender's going to be loud when I turn it on.
00:05:55.360 --> 00:05:57.920
The toilet flush is going to sound loud.
00:05:58.079 --> 00:06:00.240
Some people are coming over for dinner.
00:06:00.399 --> 00:06:02.560
The doctor is going to look in your ears.
00:06:02.800 --> 00:06:13.199
We can't prepare children for every surprise, and we don't really need to, but a little predictability can make an unfamiliar experience feel much more manageable.
00:06:13.439 --> 00:06:17.439
When fears happen, give your child words for what they're feeling.
00:06:17.680 --> 00:06:22.000
Toddlers experience big emotions long before they can explain them.
00:06:22.160 --> 00:06:30.319
So they communicate with their bodies, they cling, they cry, they run away, they might even kick or hit you when they feel overwhelmed.
00:06:30.560 --> 00:06:40.319
Imagine you arrive at a birthday party, you ring the doorbell, your toddler hears a house full of noisy kids and immediately wraps both arms around your legs.
00:06:40.480 --> 00:06:42.959
And you say, You're scared to go inside.
00:06:43.120 --> 00:06:45.920
There's a lot of people and it's really noisy.
00:06:46.079 --> 00:06:48.480
You can stay with me until you feel ready.
00:06:48.639 --> 00:06:55.199
Here you see you're helping your child connect the sensation they're experiencing with a word, scared.
00:06:55.439 --> 00:07:01.279
Over time, that emotional vocabulary gives them another way to communicate what's happening.
00:07:01.519 --> 00:07:08.480
Now, accepting a fear doesn't mean we arrange life so our children never encounter anything that frightens them.
00:07:08.800 --> 00:07:10.240
Think small steps.
00:07:10.480 --> 00:07:14.560
My third child, Max, was afraid of the dark when he was about three years old.
00:07:14.720 --> 00:07:19.600
We did all the supportive things, but after a few months his fear really wasn't decreasing.
00:07:19.759 --> 00:07:23.600
So I asked him, What do you think would help you feel safer in the dark?
00:07:23.759 --> 00:07:24.959
And he said, You.
00:07:25.199 --> 00:07:40.720
So we came up with a plan when we started sitting in the dark together, at first just for a moment, and then we gradually stayed a little longer, I'd tell him a story, and eventually Max could sit in the dark briefly without me, and later he was able to go to sleep in the dark on his own.
00:07:40.959 --> 00:07:48.480
We didn't tell him his fear was ridiculous, but we also didn't decide that the solution was keeping every light on forever.
00:07:48.720 --> 00:07:54.079
We helped him approach something that scared him in small, manageable steps.
00:07:54.240 --> 00:08:00.079
And each time he got another piece of information, like I was afraid and I was okay.
00:08:00.240 --> 00:08:05.759
So when your toddler suddenly becomes afraid, try to see the situation through their eyes.
00:08:06.000 --> 00:08:09.680
Acknowledge what they're experiencing, give the feeling a name.
00:08:09.920 --> 00:08:17.199
Prepare them when you know something unfamiliar is coming, and when they're ready, help them approach the fear in small steps.
00:08:17.439 --> 00:08:23.279
If your toddler suddenly seems more fearful than they used to be, don't assume something has gone wrong.
00:08:23.439 --> 00:08:31.920
Their imagination is expanding, but their ability to reason through those possibilities and manage the fear is still developing.
00:08:32.159 --> 00:08:37.200
They simply haven't had enough years on this planet to know what you know.
00:08:37.440 --> 00:08:40.000
And that's really what it all comes down to.
00:08:40.240 --> 00:08:46.480
Your job isn't to convince your toddler that nothing is scary, and it isn't to make sure they never feel afraid.
00:08:46.639 --> 00:08:54.879
It's to help them learn, little by little, what's safe, what they can handle, and what they can do when something scares them.
00:08:55.120 --> 00:09:07.279
Every loud blender that turns off, every automatic toilet they survive, every dark room they sit in for one minute, every new person they eventually come out from behind your legs to meet.
00:09:07.600 --> 00:09:11.600
Those experiences become part of that library they're building.
00:09:11.759 --> 00:09:16.799
And over time, they have more to draw from when the next scary thing comes along.
00:09:17.039 --> 00:09:20.080
They don't need you to make every fear disappear.
00:09:20.240 --> 00:09:29.279
They need you there while they learn that feeling afraid doesn't always mean they're in danger and that little by little they can handle more than they think.
00:09:29.519 --> 00:09:31.840
Thank you for listening to today's episode.
00:09:32.000 --> 00:09:35.679
Keep up the good work, and I'll see you next week.
