WEBVTT
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Chemsex.
00:00:01.760 --> 00:00:09.119
Sexualized drug use among men who have sex with men, typically involving methamphetamine, methadrone, and GHB, among others.
00:00:09.359 --> 00:00:18.399
Chemsex misuse is a worldwide epidemic that needs attention, dialogue, and hope for those lost in it, which is the purpose of the Aftermath Podcast.
00:00:18.640 --> 00:00:28.239
Please note the views expressed by the host and guest on this podcast are not to be taken as medical advice, and the content around sex and drug use can be triggering.
00:00:29.359 --> 00:00:33.280
Alright, welcome back to the Aftermath Podcast and the solo episode.
00:00:33.520 --> 00:00:36.719
Don't forget there is a supplemental study guide that goes along with this episode.
00:00:36.880 --> 00:00:38.479
The link will be in the show notes.
00:00:38.640 --> 00:00:46.159
Please remember to like, subscribe, and rate the podcast so we can get the algorithm to place it in the ears and eyes of those who need it.
00:00:46.399 --> 00:00:51.759
All right, so there are two reflections that I can remember from early recovery.
00:00:52.240 --> 00:00:55.679
The first one is the morning after one of my benders.
00:00:56.079 --> 00:01:12.400
Sometimes I'd be out there for a week, standing there with the fluorescent light causing my skin to look even more grey, my eyes sunken in, my arms bruised from botched slams, and my jaw sore from clinching.
00:01:12.640 --> 00:01:16.719
I would stand there and take inventory of everything wrong with me.
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Liar, weak, disgusting, back to zero, horrible father.
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Then the crying would ensue.
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And in that mirror I saw a reflection of all my negatives, leading to self flagellation.
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The second mirror showed up around day ninety, fresh haircut, color back in my face, little gem pump under my t-shirt or my tank top.
00:01:43.920 --> 00:01:49.040
I might have tears in my eyes, but they were from an overflow of gratitude.
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Look at you.
00:01:50.719 --> 00:01:51.680
You beat it.
00:01:51.840 --> 00:01:55.439
You are better than those guys still out there circling grinder at 3 AM.
00:01:56.400 --> 00:02:02.400
In that mirror was a reflection of all my positives, leading to self-indulgence.
00:02:02.799 --> 00:02:06.560
So here's what took me many years to understand.
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Both of those mirror images were lying.
00:02:11.439 --> 00:02:15.439
And both of those mirror images were simply me.
00:02:15.680 --> 00:02:20.800
There were no good, there were no bad, there were no positive, there were no negative.
00:02:21.039 --> 00:02:25.360
Both of them showed me half of who I am.
00:02:26.000 --> 00:02:29.280
And you cannot love half a man.
00:02:30.879 --> 00:02:35.360
So look, most of us in the Chemsex Recovery live on a pendulum.
00:02:35.680 --> 00:02:41.759
We swing from flagellation to indulgence, and then many variations in between.
00:02:42.000 --> 00:02:54.000
On one end, we puff ourselves up, the pink cloud, the savior energy, the quiet superiority we feel scrolling past those profiles of men still using.
00:02:54.319 --> 00:02:58.400
We become conscious of our upsides and blind to our downsides.
00:02:58.800 --> 00:03:02.000
This is where a lot of overconfidence comes from.
00:03:02.319 --> 00:03:05.360
On the other end, we collapse.
00:03:05.599 --> 00:03:11.680
One using episode, and suddenly we are the hopeless case, the chronic relapser, the man who'll never get it.
00:03:11.840 --> 00:03:19.520
We become conscious of our downsides and blind to our upsides, which is where the shame cycle comes in.
00:03:19.840 --> 00:03:23.840
So notice something about both ends of that swing, right?
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Neither one is you, and both are you.
00:03:29.120 --> 00:03:30.879
They are personas, right?
00:03:31.039 --> 00:03:38.400
They are masks, they are exaggerations in opposite directions because we swing them with emotion.
00:03:39.120 --> 00:03:42.080
And you know we love extremes, right?
00:03:42.479 --> 00:03:49.599
And as long as you are living in one of these extremes, you are not being your authentic true self.
00:03:49.840 --> 00:03:55.439
And if you cannot be your authentic true self, then how can you be loved for who you are?
00:03:56.000 --> 00:04:02.719
Not by a partner, not by your brothers in recovery, and definitely not by yourself.
00:04:02.960 --> 00:04:06.159
This pendulum gets pushed by comparison.
00:04:06.400 --> 00:04:10.080
You meet a guy with five years substance free and you shrink down.
00:04:10.400 --> 00:04:14.800
Or you hear about a guy who used last weekend and you quietly grow taller.
00:04:15.039 --> 00:04:23.519
Every time you put another man on a pedestal or you dig yourself in a pit, every time you put him in the pit, you climb in the pedestal.
00:04:23.759 --> 00:04:26.240
So when you're in a pedestal, right?
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When you put them on a pedestal, you dig yourself in a pit.
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Every time you put him in a pit, you climb into onto your own pedestal.
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I hope that's clear.
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Up and down, right, all day long.
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And you wonder why you're exhausted.
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We have to think about this.
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Love is not an emotion.
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We're getting somewhere here.
00:04:45.839 --> 00:04:49.759
We have been sold the idea that love is a feeling.
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The rush, the infatuation, the warm flood in the chest.
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But think about where that logic is going to leave you.
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If love is the rush, then meth was love.
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The slam, the hit, the man on the other side of the door at 2 a.m., all of it was flooding in your chest too.
00:05:07.040 --> 00:05:10.480
We chased a feeling, we called it connection.
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And we know exactly where that road ends, right?
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I want to offer you a different definition.
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Love is the willingness to observe all aspects of a person, the light and the shadow at the same time and accept what you see.
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Love of another man is the willingness to see both sides of him.
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Love of yourself is the willingness to see both sides of you simultaneously or unconditionally.
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And there's a word for that.
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It's called equanimity or equanimity.
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It is the level place between the pedestal and the pit.
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And studies show that equanimity or capacity to stay even in the presence of pleasant and unpleasant experience is associated with fewer problematic addictive behaviors and the training the mind to observe cravings and emotions without judgment, unconditionally.
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And equanimity I'm having trouble with the word equanimity.
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Equanimity measurably reduces the cravings itself.
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The research is catching up to what all the mystics have been saying for thousands of years.
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The balanced observer heals.
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The balanced observer is who you are.
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And if you have followed my work, you already know and you've heard this phrase observer.
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He is the compassionate observer that I talk about constantly.
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The conscience the consciousness behind the voices, the one watching the craving instead of being the craving.
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Equanimity is what the compassionate observer feels like when he finally puts down the gavel of the judge, finally stops keeping score of rights and wrongs with himself and everybody else around him.
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So let's look at relapse.
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Bring this to the moment that breaks most of men in chemisex recovery, the return to using.
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When you judge a using episode as pure catastrophe, you are back at the first mirror.
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All downside, and the shame floods the system.
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And shame, as every one of us knows in our bones, is the jet fuel for the next episode.
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You use because you feel worthless, then you feel worthless because you used, the pendulum becomes a wrecking ball.
00:08:05.519 --> 00:08:09.839
The level lens, equanimity, asks a different set of questions.
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What was that episode doing for me?
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What need was it meeting?
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What pain was it numbing?
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What information is it carrying?
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And on the other side, what did it cost me?
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Honestly, without any kind of drama, what did it cost me?
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When you can hold the benefit and the drawback of the same event in the same moment, that charge of it disappears.
00:08:35.759 --> 00:08:42.480
The episode stops being a verdict and just becomes an event, just another chapter.
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It loses its weight, its meaning.
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You stop being a failure and go back to being a student.
00:08:51.279 --> 00:08:53.519
This is where recovery deepens.
00:08:53.679 --> 00:09:00.480
Abstinence keeps the drug out of your body, but equanimity keeps the war out of your mind.
00:09:02.159 --> 00:09:06.559
So this is all coming into self-love.
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So here are three ways to reach self-love.
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Number one, balance the ledger on other men first.
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So self-love really begins with shadow work.
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The practice of understanding that everyone is a mirror for your own growth and what you're not seeing.
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Because in that process, you see that everyone has upsides and downsides, including you.
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Equanimity emerges, and from that place is where you're going to have love, acceptance of both sides.
00:09:43.200 --> 00:09:49.519
So think of a man you resent, maybe your ex, a sponsor who shamed you, the guy who introduced you to Tina.
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Name the specific trait you cannot stand in him.
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Now find the moment you displayed the same trait.
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Somewhere to someone, I bet you can.
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Now flip that.
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Think of a man you atolyze, the one with the long recovery and the calm voice.
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Name what you admire.
00:10:08.080 --> 00:10:11.279
Now find where that trait already lives in you.
00:10:11.679 --> 00:10:20.000
Every pedestal and every pit is a mirror you have not claimed yet, you have not seen yet in yourself.
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Claim enough of them, and the playing field levels.
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We're all here.
00:10:26.159 --> 00:10:34.799
And standing on level ground with every other man is what self-respect and self-love actually feels like.
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Number two, catch the swing in real time.
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Pride and shame are two alarm bells.
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The moment you feel superior, I want you to pause and ask, what downsides of mine am I not looking at right now?
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Bring yourself back.
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The moment you feel worthless, pause and ask, what upsides of mine am I refusing to see?
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Bring yourself back.
00:10:58.399 --> 00:11:06.960
You are not trying to talk yourself out of the feeling, you are supplying the missing half of the picture to balance it out.
00:11:07.200 --> 00:11:14.879
One honest counterweight, you can speak it or you can write it in your journal, is usually enough to slow down that pendulum.
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Stop swinging.
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Do this daily, and the swings get shorter.
00:11:21.120 --> 00:11:24.720
And you remain in that middle place, that balanced place.
00:11:24.879 --> 00:11:34.879
In that middle baseline is where you can make level decisions, see the world through healthy perspectives, and you're gonna live in reality.
00:11:35.279 --> 00:11:36.480
Think about that.
00:11:36.720 --> 00:11:41.360
Number three, retire the judge and hire the researcher.
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The judge asks, What is wrong with me?
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The researcher asks, what is running me?
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Same event, two completely different men looking at it.
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When the craving hits, when the old profile gets reactivated, when the shame wave rolls in, take notes like a scientist studying the most fascinating subject on earth.
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Because that's what you are.
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Where is it in your body?
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What happened an hour before that craving?
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What is this promising me?
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Let's get curious.
00:12:13.840 --> 00:12:19.039
Curiosity and condemnation cannot occupy the same mind at the same moment.
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Equanimity.
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Choose curiosity often enough and it becomes your default setting.
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And curiosity, sustained over time, is going to turn into tenderness.
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And that tenderness toward yourself begins to turn outward.
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And you begin to be tender toward everyone else in the world, and I promise you, I promise you, your world and everyone in it will fundamentally transform through love.
00:12:55.919 --> 00:13:02.240
So you do not need to amputate half of yourself to be lovable.
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The man who used and the man who healed are the same man.
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The man who lied in active addiction and the one who tells the truth in group on Tuesday nights, same man.
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Every trait you have served, every trait you have served a purpose, or you would not have survived long enough to read this or watch this.
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The goal was never to become a one sided saint.
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The goal is to stand in front of the mirror, see the whole man, both images at once, the saint and the sinner, and remain as the compassionate observer appreciating and accepting both.
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That steady, unflinching seeing is love.
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Who doesn't want to be seen for who they really are?
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Both sides.
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So this week I want you to do this exercise.
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It's the level ledger.
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Take one event that still carries a charge for you, an emotional charge.
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Maybe it is your last using episode, or some moment in your addiction you're ashamed of.
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Draw a line down the center of a page.
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On the left, write every drawback of that event.
00:14:20.960 --> 00:14:22.960
Be very thorough and be very honest.
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And on the right, write every benefit.
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And yes, there will be benefits.
00:14:28.080 --> 00:14:35.120
The lesson it forced, the bottom it revealed, the compassion it later gave you for other people in that same position.
00:14:35.360 --> 00:14:43.440
The reason you're doing all of this, keep writing on the right side until the two columns are roughly equal in weight.
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You don't really have to do it, don't count the number of things, but what feels like when it's really true on both sides that you have the equal amount.
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All right.
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Then read both columns out loud together, one left entry followed by one right entry, back and forth until the page is done.
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You're keeping that pendulum still.
00:15:07.519 --> 00:15:13.759
You are teaching your nervous system to hold both sides of one event in one breath.
00:15:14.000 --> 00:15:21.440
And when you reach the bottom, look up, find a mirror, and hold your eye, hold your eye contact.
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This is tough for some people.
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Look in the mirror, hold eye contact with yourself for 10 full seconds.
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That's the practice.
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The upsides and the downsides witnessed by you.
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A whole person.
00:15:44.639 --> 00:15:46.159
You are who you are.
00:15:47.759 --> 00:15:54.559
And the better and the more you can accept that, the more you're going to love yourself.
00:15:55.679 --> 00:15:56.639
Alright.
00:15:57.120 --> 00:15:58.559
Hope this helps today.
00:15:58.799 --> 00:16:00.639
Hope you're enjoying these solo podcasts.
00:16:00.720 --> 00:16:02.000
Please join in the conversation.
00:16:02.080 --> 00:16:04.799
You can con contact me on social media.
00:16:05.039 --> 00:16:07.279
You can comment on Spotify.
00:16:07.360 --> 00:16:10.399
You can comment on YouTube if you'd like to join in the conversation.
00:16:10.559 --> 00:16:12.240
Really appreciate hearing from all of you.
00:16:12.480 --> 00:16:12.960
All right.
00:16:13.200 --> 00:16:14.799
Have a great week.
00:00:00.479 --> 00:00:01.520
Chemsex.
00:00:01.760 --> 00:00:09.119
Sexualized drug use among men who have sex with men, typically involving methamphetamine, methadrone, and GHB, among others.
00:00:09.359 --> 00:00:18.399
Chemsex misuse is a worldwide epidemic that needs attention, dialogue, and hope for those lost in it, which is the purpose of the Aftermath Podcast.
00:00:18.640 --> 00:00:28.239
Please note the views expressed by the host and guest on this podcast are not to be taken as medical advice, and the content around sex and drug use can be triggering.
00:00:29.359 --> 00:00:33.280
Alright, welcome back to the Aftermath Podcast and the solo episode.
00:00:33.520 --> 00:00:36.719
Don't forget there is a supplemental study guide that goes along with this episode.
00:00:36.880 --> 00:00:38.479
The link will be in the show notes.
00:00:38.640 --> 00:00:46.159
Please remember to like, subscribe, and rate the podcast so we can get the algorithm to place it in the ears and eyes of those who need it.
00:00:46.399 --> 00:00:51.759
All right, so there are two reflections that I can remember from early recovery.
00:00:52.240 --> 00:00:55.679
The first one is the morning after one of my benders.
00:00:56.079 --> 00:01:12.400
Sometimes I'd be out there for a week, standing there with the fluorescent light causing my skin to look even more grey, my eyes sunken in, my arms bruised from botched slams, and my jaw sore from clinching.
00:01:12.640 --> 00:01:16.719
I would stand there and take inventory of everything wrong with me.
00:01:17.040 --> 00:01:23.359
Liar, weak, disgusting, back to zero, horrible father.
00:01:23.920 --> 00:01:25.840
Then the crying would ensue.
00:01:26.079 --> 00:01:33.519
And in that mirror I saw a reflection of all my negatives, leading to self flagellation.
00:01:34.159 --> 00:01:43.760
The second mirror showed up around day ninety, fresh haircut, color back in my face, little gem pump under my t-shirt or my tank top.
00:01:43.920 --> 00:01:49.040
I might have tears in my eyes, but they were from an overflow of gratitude.
00:01:49.359 --> 00:01:50.400
Look at you.
00:01:50.719 --> 00:01:51.680
You beat it.
00:01:51.840 --> 00:01:55.439
You are better than those guys still out there circling grinder at 3 AM.
00:01:56.400 --> 00:02:02.400
In that mirror was a reflection of all my positives, leading to self-indulgence.
00:02:02.799 --> 00:02:06.560
So here's what took me many years to understand.
00:02:07.120 --> 00:02:10.319
Both of those mirror images were lying.
00:02:11.439 --> 00:02:15.439
And both of those mirror images were simply me.
00:02:15.680 --> 00:02:20.800
There were no good, there were no bad, there were no positive, there were no negative.
00:02:21.039 --> 00:02:25.360
Both of them showed me half of who I am.
00:02:26.000 --> 00:02:29.280
And you cannot love half a man.
00:02:30.879 --> 00:02:35.360
So look, most of us in the Chemsex Recovery live on a pendulum.
00:02:35.680 --> 00:02:41.759
We swing from flagellation to indulgence, and then many variations in between.
00:02:42.000 --> 00:02:54.000
On one end, we puff ourselves up, the pink cloud, the savior energy, the quiet superiority we feel scrolling past those profiles of men still using.
00:02:54.319 --> 00:02:58.400
We become conscious of our upsides and blind to our downsides.
00:02:58.800 --> 00:03:02.000
This is where a lot of overconfidence comes from.
00:03:02.319 --> 00:03:05.360
On the other end, we collapse.
00:03:05.599 --> 00:03:11.680
One using episode, and suddenly we are the hopeless case, the chronic relapser, the man who'll never get it.
00:03:11.840 --> 00:03:19.520
We become conscious of our downsides and blind to our upsides, which is where the shame cycle comes in.
00:03:19.840 --> 00:03:23.840
So notice something about both ends of that swing, right?
00:03:24.319 --> 00:03:28.240
Neither one is you, and both are you.
00:03:29.120 --> 00:03:30.879
They are personas, right?
00:03:31.039 --> 00:03:38.400
They are masks, they are exaggerations in opposite directions because we swing them with emotion.
00:03:39.120 --> 00:03:42.080
And you know we love extremes, right?
00:03:42.479 --> 00:03:49.599
And as long as you are living in one of these extremes, you are not being your authentic true self.
00:03:49.840 --> 00:03:55.439
And if you cannot be your authentic true self, then how can you be loved for who you are?
00:03:56.000 --> 00:04:02.719
Not by a partner, not by your brothers in recovery, and definitely not by yourself.
00:04:02.960 --> 00:04:06.159
This pendulum gets pushed by comparison.
00:04:06.400 --> 00:04:10.080
You meet a guy with five years substance free and you shrink down.
00:04:10.400 --> 00:04:14.800
Or you hear about a guy who used last weekend and you quietly grow taller.
00:04:15.039 --> 00:04:23.519
Every time you put another man on a pedestal or you dig yourself in a pit, every time you put him in the pit, you climb in the pedestal.
00:04:23.759 --> 00:04:26.240
So when you're in a pedestal, right?
00:04:26.800 --> 00:04:29.680
When you put them on a pedestal, you dig yourself in a pit.
00:04:29.839 --> 00:04:33.199
Every time you put him in a pit, you climb into onto your own pedestal.
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I hope that's clear.
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Up and down, right, all day long.
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And you wonder why you're exhausted.
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We have to think about this.
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Love is not an emotion.
00:04:43.920 --> 00:04:45.360
We're getting somewhere here.
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We have been sold the idea that love is a feeling.
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The rush, the infatuation, the warm flood in the chest.
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But think about where that logic is going to leave you.
00:04:57.439 --> 00:05:00.399
If love is the rush, then meth was love.
00:05:00.560 --> 00:05:06.720
The slam, the hit, the man on the other side of the door at 2 a.m., all of it was flooding in your chest too.
00:05:07.040 --> 00:05:10.480
We chased a feeling, we called it connection.
00:05:10.879 --> 00:05:13.519
And we know exactly where that road ends, right?
00:05:13.759 --> 00:05:16.079
I want to offer you a different definition.
00:05:16.959 --> 00:05:30.079
Love is the willingness to observe all aspects of a person, the light and the shadow at the same time and accept what you see.
00:05:31.120 --> 00:05:36.319
Love of another man is the willingness to see both sides of him.
00:05:36.720 --> 00:05:46.240
Love of yourself is the willingness to see both sides of you simultaneously or unconditionally.
00:05:47.040 --> 00:05:48.079
And there's a word for that.
00:05:48.240 --> 00:05:51.600
It's called equanimity or equanimity.
00:05:52.399 --> 00:05:57.680
It is the level place between the pedestal and the pit.
00:05:58.480 --> 00:06:21.040
And studies show that equanimity or capacity to stay even in the presence of pleasant and unpleasant experience is associated with fewer problematic addictive behaviors and the training the mind to observe cravings and emotions without judgment, unconditionally.
00:06:22.959 --> 00:06:27.199
And equanimity I'm having trouble with the word equanimity.
00:06:27.360 --> 00:06:32.240
Equanimity measurably reduces the cravings itself.
00:06:33.040 --> 00:06:39.120
The research is catching up to what all the mystics have been saying for thousands of years.
00:06:40.399 --> 00:06:43.600
The balanced observer heals.
00:06:45.120 --> 00:06:47.759
The balanced observer is who you are.
00:06:52.319 --> 00:06:58.240
And if you have followed my work, you already know and you've heard this phrase observer.
00:06:58.560 --> 00:07:02.480
He is the compassionate observer that I talk about constantly.
00:07:02.959 --> 00:07:13.199
The conscience the consciousness behind the voices, the one watching the craving instead of being the craving.
00:07:13.519 --> 00:07:30.879
Equanimity is what the compassionate observer feels like when he finally puts down the gavel of the judge, finally stops keeping score of rights and wrongs with himself and everybody else around him.
00:07:31.199 --> 00:07:32.959
So let's look at relapse.
00:07:33.199 --> 00:07:39.120
Bring this to the moment that breaks most of men in chemisex recovery, the return to using.
00:07:39.279 --> 00:07:45.519
When you judge a using episode as pure catastrophe, you are back at the first mirror.
00:07:46.639 --> 00:07:50.240
All downside, and the shame floods the system.
00:07:50.399 --> 00:07:56.959
And shame, as every one of us knows in our bones, is the jet fuel for the next episode.
00:07:57.360 --> 00:08:05.040
You use because you feel worthless, then you feel worthless because you used, the pendulum becomes a wrecking ball.
00:08:05.519 --> 00:08:09.839
The level lens, equanimity, asks a different set of questions.
00:08:10.079 --> 00:08:12.319
What was that episode doing for me?
00:08:12.560 --> 00:08:14.160
What need was it meeting?
00:08:14.319 --> 00:08:15.920
What pain was it numbing?
00:08:16.079 --> 00:08:17.920
What information is it carrying?
00:08:18.079 --> 00:08:21.839
And on the other side, what did it cost me?
00:08:22.079 --> 00:08:25.759
Honestly, without any kind of drama, what did it cost me?
00:08:26.000 --> 00:08:35.440
When you can hold the benefit and the drawback of the same event in the same moment, that charge of it disappears.
00:08:35.759 --> 00:08:42.480
The episode stops being a verdict and just becomes an event, just another chapter.
00:08:42.799 --> 00:08:45.360
It loses its weight, its meaning.
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You stop being a failure and go back to being a student.
00:08:51.279 --> 00:08:53.519
This is where recovery deepens.
00:08:53.679 --> 00:09:00.480
Abstinence keeps the drug out of your body, but equanimity keeps the war out of your mind.
00:09:02.159 --> 00:09:06.559
So this is all coming into self-love.
00:09:09.440 --> 00:09:12.960
So here are three ways to reach self-love.
00:09:13.039 --> 00:09:17.440
Number one, balance the ledger on other men first.
00:09:17.919 --> 00:09:21.600
So self-love really begins with shadow work.
00:09:22.080 --> 00:09:28.320
The practice of understanding that everyone is a mirror for your own growth and what you're not seeing.
00:09:28.559 --> 00:09:34.399
Because in that process, you see that everyone has upsides and downsides, including you.
00:09:34.639 --> 00:09:42.960
Equanimity emerges, and from that place is where you're going to have love, acceptance of both sides.
00:09:43.200 --> 00:09:49.519
So think of a man you resent, maybe your ex, a sponsor who shamed you, the guy who introduced you to Tina.
00:09:49.759 --> 00:09:53.360
Name the specific trait you cannot stand in him.
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Now find the moment you displayed the same trait.
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Somewhere to someone, I bet you can.
00:09:59.519 --> 00:10:00.399
Now flip that.
00:10:00.559 --> 00:10:05.759
Think of a man you atolyze, the one with the long recovery and the calm voice.
00:10:06.000 --> 00:10:07.840
Name what you admire.
00:10:08.080 --> 00:10:11.279
Now find where that trait already lives in you.
00:10:11.679 --> 00:10:20.000
Every pedestal and every pit is a mirror you have not claimed yet, you have not seen yet in yourself.
00:10:20.240 --> 00:10:23.919
Claim enough of them, and the playing field levels.
00:10:24.080 --> 00:10:25.279
We're all here.
00:10:26.159 --> 00:10:34.799
And standing on level ground with every other man is what self-respect and self-love actually feels like.
00:10:35.200 --> 00:10:38.399
Number two, catch the swing in real time.
00:10:38.960 --> 00:10:42.480
Pride and shame are two alarm bells.
00:10:42.879 --> 00:10:49.919
The moment you feel superior, I want you to pause and ask, what downsides of mine am I not looking at right now?
00:10:50.159 --> 00:10:51.519
Bring yourself back.
00:10:51.759 --> 00:10:56.799
The moment you feel worthless, pause and ask, what upsides of mine am I refusing to see?
00:10:56.960 --> 00:10:58.080
Bring yourself back.
00:10:58.399 --> 00:11:06.960
You are not trying to talk yourself out of the feeling, you are supplying the missing half of the picture to balance it out.
00:11:07.200 --> 00:11:14.879
One honest counterweight, you can speak it or you can write it in your journal, is usually enough to slow down that pendulum.
00:11:15.200 --> 00:11:16.720
Stop swinging.
00:11:17.039 --> 00:11:20.639
Do this daily, and the swings get shorter.
00:11:21.120 --> 00:11:24.720
And you remain in that middle place, that balanced place.
00:11:24.879 --> 00:11:34.879
In that middle baseline is where you can make level decisions, see the world through healthy perspectives, and you're gonna live in reality.
00:11:35.279 --> 00:11:36.480
Think about that.
00:11:36.720 --> 00:11:41.360
Number three, retire the judge and hire the researcher.
00:11:41.600 --> 00:11:44.399
The judge asks, What is wrong with me?
00:11:44.639 --> 00:11:48.000
The researcher asks, what is running me?
00:11:48.639 --> 00:11:52.159
Same event, two completely different men looking at it.
00:11:52.320 --> 00:12:03.440
When the craving hits, when the old profile gets reactivated, when the shame wave rolls in, take notes like a scientist studying the most fascinating subject on earth.
00:12:03.759 --> 00:12:05.200
Because that's what you are.
00:12:05.440 --> 00:12:07.360
Where is it in your body?
00:12:07.840 --> 00:12:10.159
What happened an hour before that craving?
00:12:10.320 --> 00:12:12.080
What is this promising me?
00:12:12.240 --> 00:12:13.519
Let's get curious.
00:12:13.840 --> 00:12:19.039
Curiosity and condemnation cannot occupy the same mind at the same moment.
00:12:19.840 --> 00:12:21.120
Equanimity.
00:12:21.840 --> 00:12:26.480
Choose curiosity often enough and it becomes your default setting.
00:12:26.799 --> 00:12:33.600
And curiosity, sustained over time, is going to turn into tenderness.
00:12:34.240 --> 00:12:39.039
And that tenderness toward yourself begins to turn outward.
00:12:39.679 --> 00:12:54.399
And you begin to be tender toward everyone else in the world, and I promise you, I promise you, your world and everyone in it will fundamentally transform through love.
00:12:55.919 --> 00:13:02.240
So you do not need to amputate half of yourself to be lovable.
00:13:02.480 --> 00:13:06.000
The man who used and the man who healed are the same man.
00:13:06.159 --> 00:13:12.000
The man who lied in active addiction and the one who tells the truth in group on Tuesday nights, same man.
00:13:12.240 --> 00:13:24.399
Every trait you have served, every trait you have served a purpose, or you would not have survived long enough to read this or watch this.
00:13:25.759 --> 00:13:30.399
The goal was never to become a one sided saint.
00:13:30.960 --> 00:13:46.799
The goal is to stand in front of the mirror, see the whole man, both images at once, the saint and the sinner, and remain as the compassionate observer appreciating and accepting both.
00:13:47.679 --> 00:13:52.799
That steady, unflinching seeing is love.
00:13:54.080 --> 00:13:57.120
Who doesn't want to be seen for who they really are?
00:13:57.360 --> 00:13:58.480
Both sides.
00:13:59.279 --> 00:14:02.799
So this week I want you to do this exercise.
00:14:03.039 --> 00:14:04.799
It's the level ledger.
00:14:05.360 --> 00:14:10.080
Take one event that still carries a charge for you, an emotional charge.
00:14:10.320 --> 00:14:15.360
Maybe it is your last using episode, or some moment in your addiction you're ashamed of.
00:14:15.519 --> 00:14:17.600
Draw a line down the center of a page.
00:14:17.759 --> 00:14:20.639
On the left, write every drawback of that event.
00:14:20.960 --> 00:14:22.960
Be very thorough and be very honest.
00:14:23.120 --> 00:14:25.360
And on the right, write every benefit.
00:14:25.440 --> 00:14:27.759
And yes, there will be benefits.
00:14:28.080 --> 00:14:35.120
The lesson it forced, the bottom it revealed, the compassion it later gave you for other people in that same position.
00:14:35.360 --> 00:14:43.440
The reason you're doing all of this, keep writing on the right side until the two columns are roughly equal in weight.
00:14:43.600 --> 00:14:52.480
You don't really have to do it, don't count the number of things, but what feels like when it's really true on both sides that you have the equal amount.
00:14:52.720 --> 00:14:53.200
All right.
00:14:53.759 --> 00:15:04.480
Then read both columns out loud together, one left entry followed by one right entry, back and forth until the page is done.
00:15:04.559 --> 00:15:06.960
You're keeping that pendulum still.
00:15:07.519 --> 00:15:13.759
You are teaching your nervous system to hold both sides of one event in one breath.
00:15:14.000 --> 00:15:21.440
And when you reach the bottom, look up, find a mirror, and hold your eye, hold your eye contact.
00:15:21.600 --> 00:15:23.120
This is tough for some people.
00:15:23.360 --> 00:15:27.840
Look in the mirror, hold eye contact with yourself for 10 full seconds.
00:15:28.799 --> 00:15:29.919
That's the practice.
00:15:36.639 --> 00:15:41.039
The upsides and the downsides witnessed by you.
00:15:41.919 --> 00:15:43.039
A whole person.
00:15:44.639 --> 00:15:46.159
You are who you are.
00:15:47.759 --> 00:15:54.559
And the better and the more you can accept that, the more you're going to love yourself.
00:15:55.679 --> 00:15:56.639
Alright.
00:15:57.120 --> 00:15:58.559
Hope this helps today.
00:15:58.799 --> 00:16:00.639
Hope you're enjoying these solo podcasts.
00:16:00.720 --> 00:16:02.000
Please join in the conversation.
00:16:02.080 --> 00:16:04.799
You can con contact me on social media.
00:16:05.039 --> 00:16:07.279
You can comment on Spotify.
00:16:07.360 --> 00:16:10.399
You can comment on YouTube if you'd like to join in the conversation.
00:16:10.559 --> 00:16:12.240
Really appreciate hearing from all of you.
00:16:12.480 --> 00:16:12.960
All right.
00:16:13.200 --> 00:16:14.799
Have a great week.
