WEBVTT
00:00:00.160 --> 00:00:04.240
There's a specific kind of loss that doesn't get talked about.
00:00:04.400 --> 00:00:08.960
And that's the loss of a future you thought that you were building toward.
00:00:09.199 --> 00:00:13.759
Hi, this is Jordiana, the CEO of the Recon Network and host of the MBrief podcast.
00:00:13.839 --> 00:00:16.239
And today we're talking about disappointment.
00:00:16.399 --> 00:00:27.440
Not the kind that comes from failing at something you tried, but the kind that comes from realizing that the life that you're living isn't the life that you imagine or maybe even wanted.
00:00:27.600 --> 00:00:38.960
We're going to talk about why that disappointment is very real and how to hold on to both the loss of what you thought would happen and the possibility of what comes next.
00:00:40.719 --> 00:00:41.840
This is in brief.
00:00:42.079 --> 00:00:43.359
Let's get to it.
00:01:06.000 --> 00:01:07.439
No, it's not terrible.
00:01:07.519 --> 00:01:11.599
And it's not that you're failing or that things aren't working.
00:01:11.760 --> 00:01:14.079
It's just not what you wanted.
00:01:14.319 --> 00:01:17.439
It's smaller in some ways or harder in others.
00:01:17.599 --> 00:01:22.560
And it's nothing like the vision you had in your head when you were still planning what came next.
00:01:22.799 --> 00:01:31.680
And that gap, the space between what you imagined and what you're actually living, creates a quiet kind of grief that sits underneath everything.
00:01:31.920 --> 00:01:35.280
A lot of people don't have the language for it, so they just push it down.
00:01:35.439 --> 00:01:42.000
They tell themselves to be grateful that things could be worse, but none of that makes the grief go away.
00:01:42.560 --> 00:01:45.840
Why do imagined futures feel so real?
00:01:46.400 --> 00:01:47.359
Because they do.
00:01:47.599 --> 00:01:53.120
You spend months or years building a picture in your mind, maybe even before you decide to leave service.
00:01:53.280 --> 00:02:00.319
What your career will look like, what kind of person you'll become, what your days will feel like, where you'd live, who you'd be surrounded by.
00:02:00.480 --> 00:02:02.159
And that picture isn't random.
00:02:02.319 --> 00:02:04.159
It's built on expectations.
00:02:04.400 --> 00:02:14.000
And when those expectations don't materialize, when the trajectory shifts and the life you end up with looks nothing like the one you imagined, it doesn't just feel disappointing.
00:02:14.080 --> 00:02:15.599
It feels like loss.
00:02:15.919 --> 00:02:20.479
That's because to your mind, grieving something that never happened is still grief.
00:02:20.639 --> 00:02:23.439
It doesn't matter that the future you imagined wasn't real yet.
00:02:23.599 --> 00:02:24.639
It mattered to you.
00:02:24.879 --> 00:02:26.080
You invested in it.
00:02:26.319 --> 00:02:28.240
You oriented your life around it.
00:02:28.400 --> 00:02:30.879
And when it didn't happen, something is lost.
00:02:30.960 --> 00:02:34.479
And that loss is real and it's disappointing.
00:02:34.719 --> 00:02:37.599
But it's important to realize that disappointment is not failure.
00:02:37.680 --> 00:02:41.919
It's just what happens when reality doesn't match the expectation that you had for it.
00:02:42.159 --> 00:02:45.120
That's not a flaw in you or a sign that you did something wrong.
00:02:45.280 --> 00:02:48.479
It's just what happens when life doesn't go according to plan.
00:02:48.800 --> 00:02:51.120
That, in and of itself, can feel hard.
00:02:51.199 --> 00:02:56.479
But it gets harder when you admit that you're disappointed and someone comes along to tell you to be grateful.
00:02:56.719 --> 00:02:58.560
They might say, look at all you have.
00:02:58.719 --> 00:03:03.840
You have a job, you have a roof over your head, you have people that care about you, you're alive, you're healthy.
00:03:04.080 --> 00:03:09.120
And all of that may be true, but gratitude and disappointment aren't opposites.
00:03:09.360 --> 00:03:17.520
You can be grateful for what you have and still mourn what you don't, just like you can appreciate your life and still wish that it looked different.
00:03:17.840 --> 00:03:21.759
So what does it mean to mourn an imagined future?
00:03:22.240 --> 00:03:25.599
Well, first, it means that you let yourself feel it.
00:03:25.840 --> 00:03:33.120
You let yourself admit that this isn't what you wanted or what you envisioned, and that you wanted everything to be different.
00:03:33.439 --> 00:03:40.159
You don't rush to fix it, you don't immediately pivot to gratitude or silver linings or everything happens for a reason.
00:03:40.319 --> 00:03:42.479
You just let it be true for a minute.
00:03:42.800 --> 00:03:46.960
This is where it comes into play that we embrace the suck, right?
00:03:47.199 --> 00:03:48.479
We've all heard that.
00:03:48.719 --> 00:03:52.319
This isn't the life that you planned, and you're allowed to feel that.
00:03:52.719 --> 00:03:59.280
Now, when you do that, that disappointment doesn't disappear, but it stops taking up so much space.
00:03:59.599 --> 00:04:02.879
You don't have to let go of the grief before you're allowed to move forward.
00:04:03.039 --> 00:04:04.479
You just carry it with you.
00:04:04.719 --> 00:04:15.360
And over time it gets lighter, not because the loss is less real, but because you've made space for both the grief of the loss and the drive to move forward anyway.
00:04:15.680 --> 00:04:21.839
You're allowed to be disappointed, you're allowed to grieve the life you thought you were building.
00:04:22.240 --> 00:04:25.439
You are allowed to wish things had gone differently.
00:04:25.680 --> 00:04:28.079
None of that means you're ungrateful or pretentious.
00:04:28.160 --> 00:04:29.680
It just means that you're human.
00:04:29.920 --> 00:04:38.160
And a human who knows how to manage grief, not evade it, is one that can lean into the bends and turns of life without getting thrown off.
00:04:38.480 --> 00:04:44.639
So here's a small practice of something that you can do if this is something that you are struggling with.
00:04:44.959 --> 00:04:54.240
First, write down the vision of the life that you had imagined for yourself, the version of yourself you thought you'd become, the future that you were counting on.
00:04:54.720 --> 00:04:57.360
Write all of it down in detail.
00:04:57.920 --> 00:05:03.199
And then underneath that vision, when you're done, write this.
00:05:04.319 --> 00:05:08.879
That future didn't happen, and it sucks, but I'm okay.
00:05:09.759 --> 00:05:14.319
Now, after you do this, you don't have to share it, you don't have to do anything with it.
00:05:14.560 --> 00:05:20.560
Some people like to burn it or tear it up, but the simple act of writing it out makes it real.
00:05:20.800 --> 00:05:23.439
It's almost as if you're talking to yourself.
00:05:23.839 --> 00:05:28.720
That future didn't happen, and it sucks, but I'm okay.
00:05:29.519 --> 00:05:33.120
That making it real is what lets you start letting it go.
00:05:34.160 --> 00:05:36.639
So yeah, maybe this isn't the life you planned.
00:05:36.800 --> 00:05:38.480
And that doesn't have to mean failure.
00:05:38.560 --> 00:05:39.680
It's just a fact.
00:05:39.920 --> 00:05:47.439
And once you stop fighting the fact that your life didn't go according to plan, you can start engaging with the life that you're actually living.
00:05:48.000 --> 00:05:53.360
And that life, the real one, not the imagined one, might surprise you.
00:05:53.600 --> 00:05:58.560
Not because it's better or it's closer to what you dreamed of, but because it's yours.
00:05:58.800 --> 00:06:06.399
And when you're in control and can move forward with or without that grief, you can be unstoppable.
00:06:11.120 --> 00:06:15.600
Most transition programs assume you already know what you want.
00:06:15.759 --> 00:06:17.680
But if you don't, then what?
00:06:18.160 --> 00:06:23.439
At the Recon Network, we run free events year-round to meet you where you are.
00:06:23.680 --> 00:06:35.759
From our annual VET Summit to online workshops and even in-person local events, we provide real training, real conversations, and practical insights you can use the same day.
00:06:35.920 --> 00:06:40.720
With a goal to get you the tools you need to find direction and meaning now.
00:06:41.360 --> 00:06:45.439
So if you don't know what you want or where you want to go, no worries.
00:06:45.600 --> 00:06:47.680
There's no cost, no pressure.
00:06:47.920 --> 00:06:50.079
Just support when you need it.
00:06:50.319 --> 00:06:56.319
So find your next event at recon.bet and join us for something new.
00:00:00.160 --> 00:00:04.240
There's a specific kind of loss that doesn't get talked about.
00:00:04.400 --> 00:00:08.960
And that's the loss of a future you thought that you were building toward.
00:00:09.199 --> 00:00:13.759
Hi, this is Jordiana, the CEO of the Recon Network and host of the MBrief podcast.
00:00:13.839 --> 00:00:16.239
And today we're talking about disappointment.
00:00:16.399 --> 00:00:27.440
Not the kind that comes from failing at something you tried, but the kind that comes from realizing that the life that you're living isn't the life that you imagine or maybe even wanted.
00:00:27.600 --> 00:00:38.960
We're going to talk about why that disappointment is very real and how to hold on to both the loss of what you thought would happen and the possibility of what comes next.
00:00:40.719 --> 00:00:41.840
This is in brief.
00:00:42.079 --> 00:00:43.359
Let's get to it.
00:01:06.000 --> 00:01:07.439
No, it's not terrible.
00:01:07.519 --> 00:01:11.599
And it's not that you're failing or that things aren't working.
00:01:11.760 --> 00:01:14.079
It's just not what you wanted.
00:01:14.319 --> 00:01:17.439
It's smaller in some ways or harder in others.
00:01:17.599 --> 00:01:22.560
And it's nothing like the vision you had in your head when you were still planning what came next.
00:01:22.799 --> 00:01:31.680
And that gap, the space between what you imagined and what you're actually living, creates a quiet kind of grief that sits underneath everything.
00:01:31.920 --> 00:01:35.280
A lot of people don't have the language for it, so they just push it down.
00:01:35.439 --> 00:01:42.000
They tell themselves to be grateful that things could be worse, but none of that makes the grief go away.
00:01:42.560 --> 00:01:45.840
Why do imagined futures feel so real?
00:01:46.400 --> 00:01:47.359
Because they do.
00:01:47.599 --> 00:01:53.120
You spend months or years building a picture in your mind, maybe even before you decide to leave service.
00:01:53.280 --> 00:02:00.319
What your career will look like, what kind of person you'll become, what your days will feel like, where you'd live, who you'd be surrounded by.
00:02:00.480 --> 00:02:02.159
And that picture isn't random.
00:02:02.319 --> 00:02:04.159
It's built on expectations.
00:02:04.400 --> 00:02:14.000
And when those expectations don't materialize, when the trajectory shifts and the life you end up with looks nothing like the one you imagined, it doesn't just feel disappointing.
00:02:14.080 --> 00:02:15.599
It feels like loss.
00:02:15.919 --> 00:02:20.479
That's because to your mind, grieving something that never happened is still grief.
00:02:20.639 --> 00:02:23.439
It doesn't matter that the future you imagined wasn't real yet.
00:02:23.599 --> 00:02:24.639
It mattered to you.
00:02:24.879 --> 00:02:26.080
You invested in it.
00:02:26.319 --> 00:02:28.240
You oriented your life around it.
00:02:28.400 --> 00:02:30.879
And when it didn't happen, something is lost.
00:02:30.960 --> 00:02:34.479
And that loss is real and it's disappointing.
00:02:34.719 --> 00:02:37.599
But it's important to realize that disappointment is not failure.
00:02:37.680 --> 00:02:41.919
It's just what happens when reality doesn't match the expectation that you had for it.
00:02:42.159 --> 00:02:45.120
That's not a flaw in you or a sign that you did something wrong.
00:02:45.280 --> 00:02:48.479
It's just what happens when life doesn't go according to plan.
00:02:48.800 --> 00:02:51.120
That, in and of itself, can feel hard.
00:02:51.199 --> 00:02:56.479
But it gets harder when you admit that you're disappointed and someone comes along to tell you to be grateful.
00:02:56.719 --> 00:02:58.560
They might say, look at all you have.
00:02:58.719 --> 00:03:03.840
You have a job, you have a roof over your head, you have people that care about you, you're alive, you're healthy.
00:03:04.080 --> 00:03:09.120
And all of that may be true, but gratitude and disappointment aren't opposites.
00:03:09.360 --> 00:03:17.520
You can be grateful for what you have and still mourn what you don't, just like you can appreciate your life and still wish that it looked different.
00:03:17.840 --> 00:03:21.759
So what does it mean to mourn an imagined future?
00:03:22.240 --> 00:03:25.599
Well, first, it means that you let yourself feel it.
00:03:25.840 --> 00:03:33.120
You let yourself admit that this isn't what you wanted or what you envisioned, and that you wanted everything to be different.
00:03:33.439 --> 00:03:40.159
You don't rush to fix it, you don't immediately pivot to gratitude or silver linings or everything happens for a reason.
00:03:40.319 --> 00:03:42.479
You just let it be true for a minute.
00:03:42.800 --> 00:03:46.960
This is where it comes into play that we embrace the suck, right?
00:03:47.199 --> 00:03:48.479
We've all heard that.
00:03:48.719 --> 00:03:52.319
This isn't the life that you planned, and you're allowed to feel that.
00:03:52.719 --> 00:03:59.280
Now, when you do that, that disappointment doesn't disappear, but it stops taking up so much space.
00:03:59.599 --> 00:04:02.879
You don't have to let go of the grief before you're allowed to move forward.
00:04:03.039 --> 00:04:04.479
You just carry it with you.
00:04:04.719 --> 00:04:15.360
And over time it gets lighter, not because the loss is less real, but because you've made space for both the grief of the loss and the drive to move forward anyway.
00:04:15.680 --> 00:04:21.839
You're allowed to be disappointed, you're allowed to grieve the life you thought you were building.
00:04:22.240 --> 00:04:25.439
You are allowed to wish things had gone differently.
00:04:25.680 --> 00:04:28.079
None of that means you're ungrateful or pretentious.
00:04:28.160 --> 00:04:29.680
It just means that you're human.
00:04:29.920 --> 00:04:38.160
And a human who knows how to manage grief, not evade it, is one that can lean into the bends and turns of life without getting thrown off.
00:04:38.480 --> 00:04:44.639
So here's a small practice of something that you can do if this is something that you are struggling with.
00:04:44.959 --> 00:04:54.240
First, write down the vision of the life that you had imagined for yourself, the version of yourself you thought you'd become, the future that you were counting on.
00:04:54.720 --> 00:04:57.360
Write all of it down in detail.
00:04:57.920 --> 00:05:03.199
And then underneath that vision, when you're done, write this.
00:05:04.319 --> 00:05:08.879
That future didn't happen, and it sucks, but I'm okay.
00:05:09.759 --> 00:05:14.319
Now, after you do this, you don't have to share it, you don't have to do anything with it.
00:05:14.560 --> 00:05:20.560
Some people like to burn it or tear it up, but the simple act of writing it out makes it real.
00:05:20.800 --> 00:05:23.439
It's almost as if you're talking to yourself.
00:05:23.839 --> 00:05:28.720
That future didn't happen, and it sucks, but I'm okay.
00:05:29.519 --> 00:05:33.120
That making it real is what lets you start letting it go.
00:05:34.160 --> 00:05:36.639
So yeah, maybe this isn't the life you planned.
00:05:36.800 --> 00:05:38.480
And that doesn't have to mean failure.
00:05:38.560 --> 00:05:39.680
It's just a fact.
00:05:39.920 --> 00:05:47.439
And once you stop fighting the fact that your life didn't go according to plan, you can start engaging with the life that you're actually living.
00:05:48.000 --> 00:05:53.360
And that life, the real one, not the imagined one, might surprise you.
00:05:53.600 --> 00:05:58.560
Not because it's better or it's closer to what you dreamed of, but because it's yours.
00:05:58.800 --> 00:06:06.399
And when you're in control and can move forward with or without that grief, you can be unstoppable.
00:06:11.120 --> 00:06:15.600
Most transition programs assume you already know what you want.
00:06:15.759 --> 00:06:17.680
But if you don't, then what?
00:06:18.160 --> 00:06:23.439
At the Recon Network, we run free events year-round to meet you where you are.
00:06:23.680 --> 00:06:35.759
From our annual VET Summit to online workshops and even in-person local events, we provide real training, real conversations, and practical insights you can use the same day.
00:06:35.920 --> 00:06:40.720
With a goal to get you the tools you need to find direction and meaning now.
00:06:41.360 --> 00:06:45.439
So if you don't know what you want or where you want to go, no worries.
00:06:45.600 --> 00:06:47.680
There's no cost, no pressure.
00:06:47.920 --> 00:06:50.079
Just support when you need it.
00:06:50.319 --> 00:06:56.319
So find your next event at recon.bet and join us for something new.
