17 Years | A Look Back: Habits That Keep Couples Together | Ft Ashley Negron

WEBVTT
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Welcome to the Optimizing Beyond podcast. I'm
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Josh Negron, and this show is all about sharing
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lessons, ideas, and strategies that sharpen your
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thinking, strengthen your habits, and push you
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to grow beyond comfort zones. Let's dive in.
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Welcome back to the show. This weekend was a
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special weekend because my co -host and I, Ashley,
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celebrated our 17 -year wedding anniversary.
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That was fun. It's a lot of years. It is a couple
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of years. So we decided to go through 17 years
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of memories that stuck out to us and habits that
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we've done over the years to optimize more together
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than drift apart. Something I state a lot is
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that tendency of a lot of things to drift apart,
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to go into decay. So relationally, it works the
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same way. And so if you don't intentionally swim
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upstream in whatever way you can, then the consequence
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is naturally drifting apart. And that's something
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we hear more and more as certain marriages around
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us have not stood the test of time and in that
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15 to 25 year mark have fallen away. And so this
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is something that we think is important to look
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back and reflect on over the years. So one of
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the first things that came to mind in our college
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time was doing car drives together. So we live
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in a pretty small community. And in the college
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we went to, it wasn't co -ed. So the only time
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we could spend time together a lot of times was
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in the car. So we would hop in the car. I'm a
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car guy at heart anyway. And we would just drive
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a big circle around the city. And that would
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be... time that we could decompress, we could
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talk, get to know each other and also just reflect
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on our weeks, our classes and whatever else.
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Ashley, what do you remember about those times?
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Yeah, I think what's fun about that is it kind
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of set the foundation for us of something that
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has carried itself through all of these years
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together. And we still enjoy car rides together.
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You know, it's been an opportunity for some of
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the deepest, best conversations we've had. have
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happened in the car because it's a lot more focused
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time together unless you're going to bust out
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your phone and a lot of places we tend to drive
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you have no service so you you talk to each other
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right and so um We've been able to plan for the
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future and share our hopes and our dreams We've
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even like bought the fun little like conversation
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starter cards that have questions on them And
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so we'll take those on a drive with us and ask
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each other questions And that sparks conversation
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that just continues, you know I feel like anytime
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that we do that like we learn something about
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each other even after all of this time and so
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I think there's just something about that car
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time together that we have just so enjoyed. Now,
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we're not like road trip car people. Like some
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people are like, we're going to drive like nine,
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12 hours, like that so much we don't enjoy. But
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you know, the like three to five hour, like that's,
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that's a good amount of time for us. But just,
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yeah, just time to enjoy, relax, safe space.
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You're not distracted. You know, a million other
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things, especially if you go drive through places
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that have no service, which is sometimes kind
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of nice. Yeah. And I've heard a therapist say
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that time in the car also can be valuable time
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for conflict resolution because it's a little
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bit more disarming than having a conversation
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face to face. And so especially early on in our
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marriage, I remember having a lot of those discussions
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in the car because they were easier. We weren't
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100 % over some of the baggage that we had early
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on in our marriage. And so having those more
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difficult discussions where we weren't face to
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face can be a little bit more disarming in the
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car. So if that's something that you've never
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tried. it can be really, really valuable. Yeah,
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absolutely. Figuring out how to have, actually
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being able to broach topics and conversations
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in the car that are harder, maybe when you're
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sitting like across from each other or it's inevitable
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that somebody is going to try to start up some
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conversation like right before bed. I even tried
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to do that the other night and you're like, really?
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We're going to talk about this right now? Like,
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no, we're not talking about this right now, right?
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So the car can be a time to resolve some of that
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conflict or get into something that maybe has
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been like, underlying going on that you haven't
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had the time or the energy or the space to have
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a conversation about. But the car can be a great
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way to do that. And then as you and I were talking
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off camera, we also talked about memories of
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starting hard things together. And so Tough Mudder
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came up. You know, we've done that a couple times
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early on. I think the first time was 2014. Is
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that right? That sounds right. Yeah, back in
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2014, and we did it with a set of friends. We
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actually did it because a friend of ours was
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like, hey, we should do this. And we're both
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like, no, we're not going to do this. And then
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I think what happened is you said, oh, I'll do
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it if this person will do it. And sure enough,
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that person was like, I'll do it. So here we
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all are. But what it did was it gave us a goal
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and something to focus on training towards. And
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then also to like work together as a team. One
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of the pictures that I found as we were going
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back through things was there was a partner like
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burden, like a partner carry. And it required
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the females to carry the males for a certain
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amount of time, like a certain distance. And
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there's a picture of me with you on my back,
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like a piggyback, like trying to run and trying
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to carry you. Because I think I don't remember
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all the details, but, you know, just one of those
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things of like we had to train and we had to
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work on that and we had to do really hard things
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together. And that took encouraging each other
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that maybe a little bit of handholding and maybe
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a little bit of coaxing to do something that
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you were afraid of or to go, hey, you've got
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this. You can do this. Yeah. Some really fun,
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fun memories around Tough Mudder. Absolutely.
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And that kind of forged this. thought of doing
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hard things together that again, just like the
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car, car trips have been something that is a
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common thread throughout the relationship. And
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then also travel started working its way in there,
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even when we were, I know a lot of times people
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look at how often we travel and they have certain
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thoughts in their head, but definitely early
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on, you know, shortly after college there. We
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found ways to travel that were super strict on
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a budget. I remember our first vacation we saved
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for over a year to prepare for it. And it felt
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really good to finally go on that vacation and
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in how we viewed it a responsible way. All right.
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But that, you know, so from anniversary trips
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to Colorado. to visiting family in Italy so we
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didn't have to pay for housing, just trying to
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do clever things like that, especially early
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on when we wanted to be able to see the world,
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but we're financially limited. Where there's
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a will, there's a way. When you have the patience
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to plan it and do so in clever, responsible ways,
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you can see incredible parts of the world. And
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that's just something that we have been intentional
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about in investing in experiences, to borrow
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Glenn Lundy's distinction between spending time
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and money and investing time and money into experiences
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were at least for me something that i have distinct
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memories throughout the early middle and current
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times of our marriage that are associated with
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trips how does that work for you Yeah. I mean,
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obviously like we, we do love to travel and we've
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had the pleasure and privilege of going so many
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incredible places and seeing some of the most
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amazing things and such different things, you
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know, all, all over the world. But I think for
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us, like we've learned a lot about ourselves
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and about each other. during that travel, you
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know, because you're, you're gonna be jet lagged,
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you're gonna be tired, you're gonna be hot, you're
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gonna be hungry, you're gonna, your feet are
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gonna hurt, you're gonna have a myriad of things
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going on. You know, even let's say like, you
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just go to Disney for a day, like you can experience
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all of those emotions at Disney for a day. You
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don't have to like leave the country to have
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all of those experiences. You know, you can,
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you can take a small a small trip and still have
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all of those emotions and all of those things,
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depending on what you pack into that. And so
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we've had to learn how to communicate under pressure.
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We've had to learn how to know like, Hey, this
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person is overwhelmed. It's your turn to step
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up. Like they're, they're done. You know, we've
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had to navigate that. We've had to navigate transportation
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in another country, in another language missing.
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trains and having to pivot and figure out how
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we're going to you know find the next train for
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the next get to where we needed to be at um you
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know we've navigated crazy weather and feet being
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exhausted and tired and trying to adjust things
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getting canceled and having to pivot and so many
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different things that we've experienced you know
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on on those different trips but like the life
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lessons and And the things that we learned, you
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know, I remember looking back on one of our last
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big trips and it was, you know, yes, it was to
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an incredible place, but it was incredibly stressful.
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And we came home so weary and tired and we learned
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a lot on that trip. But also like we're able
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to reflect during that trip, like had we not
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been working on our mindset and had we not been
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working on finding joy in every circumstance
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always, that trip would have been even harder.
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And would have come home even more exhausted
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and tired and probably mad at each other. Right?
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If we hadn't have been doing those daily things.
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And so I think trips can be a way to like figure
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out what you're really made of, good or bad.
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You know, and depends on the kind of trip that
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you take. You know, we also tend to take trips
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that are very physically. um, that push us a
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lot. Listen, I love the beach and to sit and
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relax as much as the next girl, but I only want
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to do that like once every other year. Like I
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don't want to do that all the time. Like I want
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to go see and do things. And so we tend to pick
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things that are physically hard. Like we're either
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going to a national park and we're hiking or
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we are going to another country and we're walking
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10 miles a day or, you know, whatever that that
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looks like. We pick those physically hard things,
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but That's something that we love. And, you know,
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we look back and reflect on those times and just
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how much we got to see and how much we got to
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do because that's the choices that we made. For
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sure. And that leads into the next part that
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we had discussed earlier is the health journey
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and the habits that we've built over time, right?
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I think, you know, we listed out several things
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of building date nights, the daily decompressions
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and brain dumps that we get to do because we're
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fortunate enough to work in the same place. So
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we drive home together and that time in the car
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is really... nice to decompress and have the
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shop talk. And then the moment we walk in the
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front door, usually unless something crazy or
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really stressful happened, then we get to leave
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that at the door, which is pretty cool. I have
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to say going to sleep at the same time, this
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wasn't something that we always did. You know,
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I had early in our marriage, I was I was a gamer.
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And so I stayed up late. And that was the time
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that I could play that it didn't interfere with.
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time with you and I. But at the same time, though,
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it still took something away that we didn't go
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to bed at the same time. And that's something
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that I realized that I wanted. That's not, if
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that works for you, cool. It was just for me,
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I was able to take that, ratchet that up when
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I gave up gaming regularly. Then that was something
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that we got back. And I thought that trade was
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worth it for us. The gym habit. So I've been
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going to the gym since college. And you joined
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years after. And so I remember the difference
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between going daily by myself and then being
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joined by you. That was a different dynamic,
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was building that habit of health and fitness
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together. And then optimizing our food choices.
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I remember a lot of the food that we would eat
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and cook at home. It was great, but not always
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great for you. And then that shift over the years,
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again, like these slow changes over time of like,
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hey, maybe we should eliminate this and can we
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swap out this for that? You know, you figuring
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out your journey with gluten intolerance and
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all of these things, the shifting that over higher
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quality ingredients and more whole foods versus
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processed foods. I remember all of those changes.
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And again, some of those are across five, 10
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years of changes. And so it's funny looking back
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at photos now of like maybe the dinners that
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we made or the things that we used to eat on
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a weekly basis totally changed. And there's obviously
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so many more habits. that we've built together
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from the gratitude and devotionals and prayer
00:12:31.940 --> 00:12:34.019
and those kinds of things that we've talked about
00:12:34.019 --> 00:12:36.500
in previous episodes and went into more detail.
00:12:36.720 --> 00:12:38.659
But I think those habits, building those habits
00:12:38.659 --> 00:12:40.580
together, finding interests that you both love
00:12:40.580 --> 00:12:44.600
together are an important piece of essentially
00:12:44.600 --> 00:12:47.679
bringing you two together and maintaining that
00:12:47.679 --> 00:12:50.419
over time. It functions like a glue if you want
00:12:50.419 --> 00:12:53.419
to use certain metaphors. I think that is a super...
00:12:53.919 --> 00:12:55.960
understated and an important part of a marriage.
00:12:56.019 --> 00:12:58.399
Because I find so often that people will say,
00:12:58.500 --> 00:13:00.740
well, you know, he does his thing and, you know,
00:13:00.759 --> 00:13:03.279
I do my thing. And I hear the way people talk
00:13:03.279 --> 00:13:05.340
about it. And that's not to say that you can't
00:13:05.340 --> 00:13:08.259
have separate interests and take part in those,
00:13:08.340 --> 00:13:11.620
obviously. So, you know, like, and I know sometimes
00:13:11.620 --> 00:13:14.120
guys and girls are kind of disappointed that
00:13:14.120 --> 00:13:16.600
their spouse isn't into a certain hobby or a
00:13:16.600 --> 00:13:18.940
certain thing that they enjoy. But again, that
00:13:18.940 --> 00:13:20.960
doesn't mean that you can't find one that you
00:13:20.960 --> 00:13:23.620
both do love. I think that's important. So if
00:13:23.620 --> 00:13:25.940
for any ones that you have that you can't come
00:13:25.940 --> 00:13:28.399
together on, what's one that you can and then
00:13:28.399 --> 00:13:30.679
to do that regularly, I think is super critical.
00:13:30.799 --> 00:13:33.059
Yeah, those habits have been interesting to figure
00:13:33.059 --> 00:13:35.340
out how to build together, right? So I don't
00:13:35.340 --> 00:13:37.820
need as much sleep as what you do. And so that's
00:13:37.820 --> 00:13:40.559
been a fun thing for us to figure out going to
00:13:40.559 --> 00:13:43.379
bed at the same time. And so you know, we figured
00:13:43.379 --> 00:13:46.159
out how to do that where I'm able to lay in bed
00:13:46.159 --> 00:13:48.340
and read with my Kindle and you've got your eye
00:13:48.340 --> 00:13:50.639
mask on. And so like, when once I'm tired, like
00:13:50.639 --> 00:13:52.909
I can go to sleep. And so for us to figure out,
00:13:52.909 --> 00:13:55.190
you know, what does that look like to still be
00:13:55.190 --> 00:13:57.129
able to go to bed together? Because that became
00:13:57.129 --> 00:14:00.309
really important for us to wind down at the same
00:14:00.309 --> 00:14:04.090
time, you know, together and figuring out what
00:14:04.090 --> 00:14:06.549
that looks like. You know, when it comes to the
00:14:06.549 --> 00:14:08.389
food journey, as the one that does a lot of the
00:14:08.389 --> 00:14:10.649
cooking, that's one that we've really had to
00:14:10.649 --> 00:14:14.169
work on together. And there, I will admit there
00:14:14.169 --> 00:14:15.730
are times I've been pretty stubborn about like,
00:14:15.769 --> 00:14:18.120
I... don't want to do this. I don't want to give
00:14:18.120 --> 00:14:20.620
this up. I don't want to have to measure everything
00:14:20.620 --> 00:14:23.320
I throw into a bowl. Like I wouldn't just be
00:14:23.320 --> 00:14:27.320
able to dump and cook and just not have to worry
00:14:27.320 --> 00:14:29.679
about it. But at the same time, yeah, exactly.
00:14:30.019 --> 00:14:33.100
But at the same time, I'm like, No, this is saying
00:14:33.100 --> 00:14:35.539
that like, this is the thing that he has chosen.
00:14:35.559 --> 00:14:38.559
And now, you know, I'm back to tracking my food
00:14:38.559 --> 00:14:41.259
and making sure that I'm actually eating enough.
00:14:41.440 --> 00:14:43.740
Turns out I wasn't eating enough food. So ladies,
00:14:43.779 --> 00:14:46.360
you might want to take a crack at that because
00:14:46.360 --> 00:14:48.919
turns out I wasn't eating nearly enough for my
00:14:48.919 --> 00:14:52.120
physical level of activity. And so, you know,
00:14:52.120 --> 00:14:54.559
in tracking that and realizing like, okay, here's
00:14:54.559 --> 00:14:57.309
how to... build an actually more balanced meal
00:14:57.309 --> 00:15:01.009
and to make sure that we're getting all of the
00:15:01.009 --> 00:15:03.529
carbs the protein the fat in a balanced healthy
00:15:03.529 --> 00:15:06.789
kind of a way and so that's just been a journey
00:15:06.789 --> 00:15:11.190
honestly seriously over the 17 years like pivoting
00:15:11.190 --> 00:15:13.210
and shifting and finding new ways and we've eaten
00:15:13.210 --> 00:15:16.830
27 different kinds of diet food things and and
00:15:16.830 --> 00:15:19.710
you know just always kind of come back to whole
00:15:19.710 --> 00:15:23.080
foods whole grains, least, littlest processed
00:15:23.080 --> 00:15:25.679
as possible. And so that's just been a journey
00:15:25.679 --> 00:15:27.360
to learn how to figure out and how to make that
00:15:27.360 --> 00:15:29.159
food taste incredible, because that's something
00:15:29.159 --> 00:15:31.720
that you can do. It just takes time and practice
00:15:31.720 --> 00:15:34.039
and patience. And so those have just been really
00:15:34.039 --> 00:15:36.279
fun habits to build together. Like you said,
00:15:36.320 --> 00:15:38.419
looking back at pictures, you're like, oh, wow.
00:15:38.620 --> 00:15:40.820
Okay. No, we really have come a really long way.
00:15:40.840 --> 00:15:43.019
Like sometimes I think like, oh man, I think,
00:15:43.019 --> 00:15:45.320
you know, maybe we are. haven't done that much
00:15:45.320 --> 00:15:47.840
or maybe um you know maybe I'm not I'm not as
00:15:47.840 --> 00:15:49.600
far along on this part of my journey as I think
00:15:49.600 --> 00:15:51.320
that I am and then you start to look back and
00:15:51.320 --> 00:15:55.419
you go oh nope just kidding sure am and so um
00:15:55.419 --> 00:15:58.460
you know that's that's been one of the fun things
00:15:58.460 --> 00:15:59.879
that we've kind of done over the last couple
00:15:59.879 --> 00:16:02.639
days is looking back over over lots of different
00:16:02.639 --> 00:16:06.009
parts of our our journey together and so You
00:16:06.009 --> 00:16:08.629
know, and for us, like these habits that we built
00:16:08.629 --> 00:16:11.049
actually kind of came kind of where the rubber
00:16:11.049 --> 00:16:13.470
met the road for us was, you know, when I dislocated
00:16:13.470 --> 00:16:16.750
my elbow from a UTV accident back in 2020. And
00:16:16.750 --> 00:16:20.080
it was like, I needed help with everything. And
00:16:20.080 --> 00:16:23.220
so we had to learn how to communicate in a different
00:16:23.220 --> 00:16:25.399
way than we'd ever had to communicate before,
00:16:25.539 --> 00:16:28.259
right? Like I needed help with everything. So
00:16:28.259 --> 00:16:31.580
how could we figure that out? And, you know,
00:16:31.600 --> 00:16:34.399
even like, I don't know, how I washed my hair.
00:16:34.419 --> 00:16:36.679
Like that was not everything that you ever needed
00:16:36.679 --> 00:16:39.519
to know, right? So like we had to figure those
00:16:39.519 --> 00:16:41.419
things out. And then because I did a lot of the
00:16:41.419 --> 00:16:44.200
cooking, it was like, oh, I have to sit at the
00:16:44.200 --> 00:16:47.139
kitchen counter and think about how I do this.
00:16:48.320 --> 00:16:50.919
tell you how I do this. So learning to communicate,
00:16:50.960 --> 00:16:53.120
it really changed our communication style and
00:16:53.120 --> 00:16:54.960
in the way in which that we relied on each other
00:16:54.960 --> 00:16:57.860
actually. in that. And, you know, for the mindset,
00:16:57.980 --> 00:17:00.279
again, had I not been working on these things
00:17:00.279 --> 00:17:02.759
ahead of that, like it could have been such a
00:17:02.759 --> 00:17:05.660
different journey for us in that. But I actually
00:17:05.660 --> 00:17:08.079
think like that was an opportunity in that for
00:17:08.079 --> 00:17:11.460
like you to live out your vows that way and to
00:17:11.460 --> 00:17:15.099
take care of in that sickness and in health kind
00:17:15.099 --> 00:17:18.900
of a moment. And for us to really like. pause
00:17:18.900 --> 00:17:21.920
and evaluate and learn to communicate in a different
00:17:21.920 --> 00:17:24.440
way that this many years down the line has only
00:17:24.440 --> 00:17:28.339
served us so so well while i don't you know that
00:17:28.339 --> 00:17:31.299
kind of pain no thank you never again but i wouldn't
00:17:31.299 --> 00:17:34.140
trade the season that came after that and the
00:17:34.140 --> 00:17:37.019
lessons that we learned after that um had a conversation
00:17:37.019 --> 00:17:39.720
with somebody even a few weeks ago of like The
00:17:39.720 --> 00:17:42.160
lessons that we learn and who we become is not
00:17:42.160 --> 00:17:46.660
forged in the easy. It is only forged in the
00:17:46.660 --> 00:17:49.779
hard and in the valley. And so wouldn't necessarily
00:17:49.779 --> 00:17:52.900
want to do it again, but I'm grateful for that
00:17:52.900 --> 00:17:56.240
season and that time. Yeah, and I sent you a
00:17:56.240 --> 00:17:58.980
quote yesterday, actually, that I feel like buttons
00:17:58.980 --> 00:18:01.299
this up too. It says, tough times don't last,
00:18:01.500 --> 00:18:05.160
but tough people do, right? And so again, like...
00:18:05.400 --> 00:18:07.460
A lot of the things that we've practiced have
00:18:07.460 --> 00:18:09.740
been rubber mount the road is a good way to put
00:18:09.740 --> 00:18:12.420
that in that time. And also, you know, let's
00:18:12.420 --> 00:18:15.019
not shy away from the fact the UTV accident I
00:18:15.019 --> 00:18:17.500
was driving, right? So anyone who's ever been
00:18:17.500 --> 00:18:20.420
in any sort of accident, even, you know, car
00:18:20.420 --> 00:18:22.500
accident, whatever, and you were the one driving,
00:18:22.640 --> 00:18:26.140
there's that. feeling of guilt and all that associated
00:18:26.140 --> 00:18:27.660
with that, that you have to wrestle through,
00:18:27.759 --> 00:18:30.740
um, in battling, like I hurt her, this is the
00:18:30.740 --> 00:18:33.140
person I care most about. And the result of that
00:18:33.140 --> 00:18:35.420
is they're, they're now injured and now they
00:18:35.420 --> 00:18:38.200
have to recover. They can't do a lot of really
00:18:38.200 --> 00:18:40.740
anything that they want to do. And so there was
00:18:40.740 --> 00:18:43.279
definitely a huge mental battle for me. I know
00:18:43.279 --> 00:18:46.960
also for you of, yeah, yeah, I was the one driving,
00:18:47.019 --> 00:18:49.039
was I being irresponsible and those kinds of
00:18:49.039 --> 00:18:51.359
things. And so I think on both ends, we had to
00:18:51.359 --> 00:18:53.259
wrestle through those things. And then also,
00:18:53.359 --> 00:18:56.440
I mean, there's a theme of loss that we reflected
00:18:56.440 --> 00:19:01.460
on in our marriage from, I mean, just job losses
00:19:01.460 --> 00:19:03.980
early on in our marriage. There were early and
00:19:03.980 --> 00:19:06.559
throughout the middle ones that we didn't plan
00:19:06.559 --> 00:19:10.279
on for both of us. And then also the Joplin tornado
00:19:10.279 --> 00:19:15.839
in 2011 was a pretty big loss. I lost a job in
00:19:15.839 --> 00:19:18.700
that scenario because it was wiped off the face
00:19:18.700 --> 00:19:23.359
of the planet. And the community suffered a massive
00:19:23.359 --> 00:19:27.839
loss in assets and even some people in that scenario.
00:19:28.019 --> 00:19:30.359
And that was really, really tough season for
00:19:30.359 --> 00:19:34.400
this community here. And then also just losing
00:19:34.400 --> 00:19:38.059
people throughout. We lost my mom. We moved her
00:19:38.059 --> 00:19:40.400
in with us when she wasn't able to be on her
00:19:40.400 --> 00:19:42.619
own anymore. And she lived with us for about
00:19:42.619 --> 00:19:45.289
a decade. And then we lost her about... two years
00:19:45.289 --> 00:19:48.109
ago and uh and that was a different kind of tough
00:19:48.109 --> 00:19:51.289
she was in our home for so long and then there
00:19:51.289 --> 00:19:53.670
was this emptiness that was there and then just
00:19:53.670 --> 00:19:57.210
even recent losses of close friends of ours that
00:19:57.210 --> 00:20:00.710
were double decade relationships and managing
00:20:00.710 --> 00:20:03.130
that is is different you know everyone handles
00:20:03.130 --> 00:20:05.529
grief differently sometimes internal sometimes
00:20:05.529 --> 00:20:08.569
external grief comes inconveniently at different
00:20:08.569 --> 00:20:12.599
times And it's described as waves often. That's
00:20:12.599 --> 00:20:16.380
pretty accurate. So managing that is unique and
00:20:16.380 --> 00:20:19.119
different. But in that, knowing that you're both
00:20:19.119 --> 00:20:22.460
in it together and experiencing that someone
00:20:22.460 --> 00:20:25.059
is in your corner, right? Like one important
00:20:25.059 --> 00:20:27.420
thing is knowing that you're not in it alone.
00:20:27.539 --> 00:20:31.859
And with the marriage covenant in that partnership,
00:20:32.119 --> 00:20:36.319
it is a super strong thing that I always... find
00:20:36.319 --> 00:20:39.299
peace in and in visualizing it's us against the
00:20:39.299 --> 00:20:41.759
world us against whatever's going on us against
00:20:41.759 --> 00:20:44.759
any problem and then even us against any trial
00:20:44.759 --> 00:20:47.579
and or suffering and so that always helps me
00:20:47.579 --> 00:20:50.579
when i'm having a hard time you know when i'm
00:20:50.579 --> 00:20:54.569
not okay And so that loss or trial or hardship
00:20:54.569 --> 00:20:56.990
is something that hits everybody. And that's
00:20:56.990 --> 00:20:59.130
when that's when character is tested. That's
00:20:59.130 --> 00:21:01.029
when resilience is tested. And, you know, how
00:21:01.029 --> 00:21:03.750
how can you bounce back? How can you keep moving
00:21:03.750 --> 00:21:06.529
forward instead of folding and giving up? So,
00:21:06.529 --> 00:21:10.089
yeah, absolutely. Loss probably is the one thing
00:21:10.089 --> 00:21:12.170
right now that has kind of been towards the forefront
00:21:12.170 --> 00:21:15.869
of of our lives in the last 90, 90 days, really.
00:21:15.930 --> 00:21:19.269
And so, you know. both of us, it's been probably
00:21:19.269 --> 00:21:22.049
more obvious in this season of losing people
00:21:22.049 --> 00:21:25.869
how differently that we handle grief and how
00:21:25.869 --> 00:21:28.839
differently that we do grieve. And so... You
00:21:28.839 --> 00:21:33.299
know, we've had to process and talk and be empathetic
00:21:33.299 --> 00:21:35.700
to each other and actually like learn to go,
00:21:35.819 --> 00:21:38.299
okay, this is where I'm at today. And this is
00:21:38.299 --> 00:21:40.660
what I'm thinking. This is what I'm feeling like,
00:21:40.759 --> 00:21:43.400
you know, and learning to actually communicate
00:21:43.400 --> 00:21:46.480
those emotions in a healthy way. You know, for
00:21:46.480 --> 00:21:48.960
me, like I'm handling it very differently than
00:21:48.960 --> 00:21:51.240
you are, but to not be mad at you that. you're
00:21:51.240 --> 00:21:53.099
handling it differently. Like I could, I could
00:21:53.099 --> 00:21:55.220
be really frustrated that you're having a different
00:21:55.220 --> 00:21:57.500
response to this than I am. But that, that realization
00:21:57.500 --> 00:22:00.299
of like, okay, no, it's, we just, we're two very
00:22:00.299 --> 00:22:02.859
different people and that's okay. And then knowing,
00:22:02.960 --> 00:22:04.900
like, honestly, genuinely knowing when it's,
00:22:04.900 --> 00:22:06.900
when it's time to ask for help of like, Hey,
00:22:06.940 --> 00:22:09.819
I need help outside of this to process that.
00:22:09.880 --> 00:22:12.660
And to, to acknowledge that, you know, you may
00:22:12.660 --> 00:22:14.759
need someone outside of your marriage for that
00:22:14.759 --> 00:22:16.799
help. Like know when that's time to do that and
00:22:16.799 --> 00:22:19.299
go and do that. Go make that appointment. Go
00:22:19.299 --> 00:22:21.400
talk to that friend, whatever that that looks
00:22:21.400 --> 00:22:23.579
like. You know, don't always carry that burden
00:22:23.579 --> 00:22:26.359
completely on your own. Knowing when to ask for
00:22:26.359 --> 00:22:29.000
help is so important. And we're all so bad at
00:22:29.000 --> 00:22:30.599
knowing when to do that. Stop and figure out
00:22:30.599 --> 00:22:33.660
if it's time to say, hey, I need help processing
00:22:33.660 --> 00:22:35.579
this. This is a lot. I'm feeling overwhelmed
00:22:35.579 --> 00:22:37.859
and it's too much. So who can I ask for help?
00:22:38.000 --> 00:22:40.359
You're absolutely right. And in looking back
00:22:40.359 --> 00:22:42.779
through all this, it was a big theme that kept
00:22:42.779 --> 00:22:45.960
coming to the forefront of ways that we continued
00:22:45.960 --> 00:22:49.130
to find to grow together and there's multiple
00:22:49.130 --> 00:22:51.539
ways that you can do that it's It's unique to
00:22:51.539 --> 00:22:54.200
a lot of people, but the themes are similar.
00:22:54.400 --> 00:22:57.039
Like it may be different activity, but finding
00:22:57.039 --> 00:22:58.920
something you can both, you know, so like there
00:22:58.920 --> 00:23:01.299
are parallels that you can pull out of this that
00:23:01.299 --> 00:23:04.420
can apply to you and your unique situation. And
00:23:04.420 --> 00:23:07.799
it's really something, again, of that analogy
00:23:07.799 --> 00:23:11.400
of doing nothing takes you down the current of
00:23:11.400 --> 00:23:13.920
the river. A lot of times that's towards things
00:23:13.920 --> 00:23:16.000
that you don't necessarily want, drifting apart,
00:23:16.380 --> 00:23:19.359
breaking down and things like that versus the
00:23:19.359 --> 00:23:22.309
intentionality. of swimming upstream or paddling
00:23:22.309 --> 00:23:25.430
upstream and getting to places where that effort
00:23:25.430 --> 00:23:28.769
is worth the result, the destination, and really
00:23:28.769 --> 00:23:31.890
can be fruitful. Because if you talk to people
00:23:31.890 --> 00:23:35.289
who are older, that have marriages that you look
00:23:35.289 --> 00:23:38.349
up to, most of the time they'll tell you things
00:23:38.349 --> 00:23:41.430
like that marriage is hard, but it's worth it.
00:23:41.450 --> 00:23:44.430
And it's worth the time, the effort, the investment,
00:23:44.609 --> 00:23:48.009
the forgiveness, the resilience, all of that
00:23:48.009 --> 00:23:52.150
tension and friction that it takes to get to
00:23:52.150 --> 00:23:54.769
the other side of all of those times. That's
00:23:54.769 --> 00:23:57.250
just a common thread that you hear the wiser,
00:23:57.369 --> 00:24:00.170
more experienced people say. And so it can't
00:24:00.170 --> 00:24:02.569
be a coincidence. It's something that we're discovering
00:24:02.569 --> 00:24:06.750
as Very true at year 17. And here's to another
00:24:06.750 --> 00:24:11.509
17. I'm super excited to do that. Yeah. I echo
00:24:11.509 --> 00:24:14.410
what you said. Like you have to be intentional
00:24:14.410 --> 00:24:17.970
and you have to put effort into making a marriage
00:24:17.970 --> 00:24:20.589
or really any relationship work. It can just
00:24:20.589 --> 00:24:24.230
be so easy to just allow life to just take you
00:24:24.230 --> 00:24:26.529
where it will and to not do that, you know? And
00:24:26.529 --> 00:24:28.210
genuinely, like if we were to look back, we would
00:24:28.210 --> 00:24:30.730
say we've had those seasons. Like we've just,
00:24:30.829 --> 00:24:33.480
we've had. We've had times of just allowing life
00:24:33.480 --> 00:24:36.500
to kind of take us and for something will happen
00:24:36.500 --> 00:24:38.960
and we'll all of a sudden go, Ooh, we're not,
00:24:38.980 --> 00:24:41.579
we're not being intentional. Okay. Back to, and
00:24:41.579 --> 00:24:43.420
it, but it takes both of us and it takes both
00:24:43.420 --> 00:24:45.740
of us at different times, right? Like there's
00:24:45.740 --> 00:24:47.779
going to be seasons that I'm going to be more
00:24:47.779 --> 00:24:49.799
aware of what, what's going on. And I'm going
00:24:49.799 --> 00:24:51.920
to be more intentional and being like, Hey, I'm
00:24:51.920 --> 00:24:53.339
planning this date night or, Hey, I'm going to
00:24:53.339 --> 00:24:54.700
do this or, Hey, I'm going to do this. And then
00:24:54.700 --> 00:24:55.799
there's going to be seasons. You're going to
00:24:55.799 --> 00:24:58.839
be like, okay, we have not spent any time at
00:24:58.839 --> 00:25:02.460
home together. Like we cannot go anywhere, right?
00:25:02.599 --> 00:25:04.819
Like when's our next free time? Like we have
00:25:04.819 --> 00:25:07.859
to balance each other and figure that out and
00:25:07.859 --> 00:25:11.380
both work to make it a priority. It can't just
00:25:11.380 --> 00:25:13.720
be one of you trying to drag the boat upstream.
00:25:13.880 --> 00:25:16.200
It's not going to work. You have to do it together.
00:25:16.339 --> 00:25:19.279
Being intentional and being aware and then also
00:25:19.279 --> 00:25:22.019
like looking genuinely for ways to serve one
00:25:22.019 --> 00:25:24.490
another. I think that's the biggest thing. that
00:25:24.490 --> 00:25:26.710
for us has been genuinely one of the biggest
00:25:26.710 --> 00:25:30.109
blessings, honestly, is that, you know, when
00:25:30.109 --> 00:25:33.029
you're always looking for ways to serve and be
00:25:33.029 --> 00:25:36.450
kind and to take care of the other person because
00:25:36.450 --> 00:25:40.890
you want to, right? I want. to help take care
00:25:40.890 --> 00:25:43.029
of you. And you want to take care of me. We just
00:25:43.029 --> 00:25:45.029
do it in two very different ways because two
00:25:45.029 --> 00:25:46.769
different skill sets, two different ways that
00:25:46.769 --> 00:25:49.509
we're wired, but learning to serve and take care
00:25:49.509 --> 00:25:52.450
of each other and to put the other person first
00:25:52.450 --> 00:25:55.690
has given us so many blessings and so much return
00:25:55.690 --> 00:25:58.890
on that investment that yeah, like I, you're
00:25:58.890 --> 00:26:00.529
the person I want to spend my time with. You're
00:26:00.529 --> 00:26:02.230
the person I want to hang out with. You're the
00:26:02.230 --> 00:26:04.130
person I want to take trips with. Right. And
00:26:04.130 --> 00:26:06.450
so, but we didn't get there by accident. And
00:26:06.450 --> 00:26:09.950
so I'm so grateful for these last 17 years. And,
00:26:09.990 --> 00:26:13.029
you know, it's been really fun to like look back
00:26:13.029 --> 00:26:15.630
through photos and reflect and just kind of do
00:26:15.630 --> 00:26:17.430
that a little bit differently than we ever have
00:26:17.430 --> 00:26:21.410
before going into this recording. And so that's
00:26:21.410 --> 00:26:24.549
been really fun. And so I'm grateful for you
00:26:24.549 --> 00:26:27.690
and thankful for our marriage and for the last
00:26:27.690 --> 00:26:31.029
17 years. And I'm excited for many more. 100%,
00:26:31.029 --> 00:26:33.490
absolutely. And I hope you enjoyed this look
00:26:33.490 --> 00:26:36.410
back into our marriage, celebrating our special
00:26:36.410 --> 00:26:38.809
weekend. And as always, thanks for listening
00:26:38.809 --> 00:26:41.369
to the Optimizing Beyond podcast. Remember, growth
00:26:41.369 --> 00:26:44.069
happens when you take action. So subscribe, share
00:26:44.069 --> 00:26:46.309
this with a friend, and most importantly, put
00:26:46.309 --> 00:26:48.349
what you learned into practice, because as we
00:26:48.349 --> 00:26:51.150
know, daily anything changes everything.