How Grief Made Me a Better Parent: Lisa Woolery's Surprising Confession | EP 476

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Close your eyes and imagine.
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What if the things in life that caused us the greatest pain, the things that bring us grief, are challenges.
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Challenges designed to help us grow to ultimately become what we were always meant to be.
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We feel like we've been buried, but what if, like a seed, we've been planted?
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And having been planted, we grow to become a mighty tree.
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Now, open your eyes.
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Open your eyes to this way of viewing life.
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Come with me as we explore your true, infinite, eternal nature.
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This is Grief to Growth, and I am your host, Brian Smith.
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Hi there, I'm Brian Smith.
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I'm going to welcome you to another episode of Grief to Growth.
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So whether this is your first time tuning in, you've been walking this path with me for a while, I'm glad that you're here.
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On this show, we're all about navigating life's most difficult moments.
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We talk about grief, we talk about loss, we talk about transformation, and we talk about uncovering deeper truths about who we are, why we're here, and where we're going.
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Today's guest is someone who speaks to the heart of what this journey is all about.
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Rebuilding from the ashes with raw honesty, with hard-earned wisdom, and even a little humor.
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Lisa is the voice behind the widow's comeback, Lisa Willery.
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She spent two decades in public relations before her world was turned upside down by the sudden death of her husband.
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Thrown in the widowhood without warning, Lisa became a sole apparent to do two grieving tweens, and with time, grit, and grace began to rebuild not just her family's life, but her own identity.
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In today's conversation, we'll explore at least a surprising confession, that grief, as brutal as it was, made her a better mother.
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Not in spite of the pain, but because of it.
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We'll unpack how grief stripped away her perfectionism, pushed her into unexpected spiritual leadership, and opened the door healing generational wounds, including with her 82-year-old mother.
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Lisa brings us to the sacred, everyday work of raising kids when no one else is coming, of hearing God not with her ears, but with her body, and of reshaping her future from the ruins of her past.
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We'll also talk about her best-selling memoir, The Widow's Comeback, along with her 365-day grieving calendar and grief journal, resources that have helped many others walk their own path through loss.
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So by the end of this conversation, I think you'll come away with new ways to think about grief, not just as an ending, but as a complicated, sometimes even illuminating beginning.
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And don't forget after the episode to join me on my substack, grief2growth.substack.com, where you'll find an article about today's episode, a space to leave your comments, and a community of people just like you navigating life after loss.
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So with that, let's welcome Lisa Whittlery and grief2growth.
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Well, thanks for having me.
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I'm glad to be here to talk about grief, one of my favorite subjects.
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Yeah, it's weird how that becomes our favorite subject after some of the things we've been through.
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Before we dive into grief, I'd like for you to tell us about your husband.
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Okay.
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My husband was awesome and amazing.
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I know people use those words a lot, but he was.
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We met when I was 14 and he was 17.
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We met at youth group when the eighth graders got to be introduced to the high school kids and he was soon to be a senior.
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So he was like so cool.
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And I was like, gangly with my braces and it was kind of love at first sight.
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And so we dated off and on and then got married when I was 22 and he was 25.
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And we had a wonderful relationship.
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We actually had infertility issues.
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And so we spent our thirties having a lovely time as dinks, double income, no kids.
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And then when I was 39, we adopted my son from Russia.
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And then when I was 40, we adopted my daughter and Eric was a terrific husband, but he was just an amazing dad.
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He loved those kids so much.
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And he just really left an imprint on all of us.
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And we still remember and talk about him all the time.
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And I still, it's weird because he's been gone for six and a half years now, but I still feel like he's part of everything.
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So he was great.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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Well, that doesn't change, right?
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Even though it's been six and a half years, he's still, it's still a part of your life.
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So, so it's been six and a half years and how did he pass?
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You don't have to go into a lot of great detail, but I understand it was a sudden passing.
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Yeah, actually he came home from work and I greeted him at the door because I always did.
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I still loved him that much.
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And I gave him a kiss and he said, I have so much to tell you about my day.
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And then he went into his home office to make, do some calls and emails and that kind of thing.
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And so I went and started making dinner and I was actually chopping broccoli and I didn't hear him anymore.
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So I thought he was doing emails.
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And then I went to check on him and I was going to tell him that a joke, which was dinner is so boring because it's broccoli because we were dieting.
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And then he would laugh and we do our Mrs. Dash options, you know, but I opened the door and I found him slumped over and he had sudden heart failure and he just had died.
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Yeah, I'm so sorry.
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It's really interesting as you're having this conversation.
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I noticed that my interviews seem to go in patterns and I've been getting a lot of people recently who have lost spouses and specifically women who've lost their husbands.
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And my really good friend, Lisa just lost her husband, Mike.
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It was actually eight months ago yesterday and it was kind of the same thing.
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He came home from work.
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He was doing some things and then, you know, had a massive heart attack while they were together.
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So you'd been together at that point for how long?
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We had been married 28 years, but together 36.
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Yeah.
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So my whole life, basically.
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Yeah.
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Well, yeah.
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Your whole, your whole life.
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Right.
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So for people, we're going to talk about how grief transforms us and some of the, you know, the, the amazing things that have come out of it.
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But I want people to realize it's been, it's been a while.
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So what was the, what were those early days like when you found yourself on your own as a mother of two fairly young children?
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I don't know a word to say except surprised.
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Like it was such a surprise, such a shock, such a turn of my life because we like he was by everything.
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He was my dinner partner.
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He was my college fun person.
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We chose our majors together.
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He helped me in my career.
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He was father to my kids.
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He, he was everything.
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And so then I suddenly was left without him.
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And we had some interesting issues and investigation and a delayed death certificate and all of my assets were frozen for three months.
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So I also had no money and, you know, like trying to navigate my grief and then help my kids with their grief.
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I realized later that I think I put my own grief on hold to help my kids, which is fine.
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But then my grief kind of came out later, but I don't remember a lot of things that first year, just because I was reeling from the surprise.
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Yeah.
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Kind of a fog that first year.
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I think that, I think that's pretty common when you're kind of doing the things it takes to get to get through.
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And then when you have children, you know, you're going to oftentimes people will prioritize the children over themselves.
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So you don't get a chance to process for a while.
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So it sounds like that's what you experienced.
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Yeah.
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So you, how did your kids process it at that time?
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What were those?
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What was it like for them as much as you can tell?
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Well, I don't know.
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Like I'm, I'm like actually kind of grateful that my kids were tweens, even though I wish that their dad would have died when, you know, when they were older, but that it was nice because we could get on a routine and I had a reason to get up.
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I had a reason to try.
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And so I just really poured into my kids in different ways.
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And I remember the night that Eric died and I was sitting in my great room and my aunt and uncle had come over and I was waiting for my best friend to arrive and all these things were going through my head.
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And I remember specifically stopping and pausing and thinking, I need to up my mom game because a lot out of weeks, Eric participated in the parenting, like it's 75%.
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And I, you know, and I mean, some weeks I would, but he, he was just such a helper and such an equal part in the raising of them.
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And so without him, things were a lot different.
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The kids didn't get their fun nights out with their dad.
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They didn't get to watch the twilight zone till three in the morning, making hot dogs while I slept.
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They didn't get like a lot of these fun things that they used to have, but we tried to get back into the rhythm of family life.
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And although we no longer ate at the dinner table for the first time in my life, we ate in front of the TV, watching Little House on the Prairie.
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We needed Nellie Olson because it was just too sad to be, you know, to be at the table without that place being filled.
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Um, one of the things that I found that we all participated in was tiring our bodies out and tiring our bodies out helped us like help our minds rest and helped us be able to sleep at night.
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So they would go to the park and just act like maniacs and just tire themselves out.
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Specifically, I remember my son who was 12, my husband and I used to joke that he processed life by feeling the ground with his body.
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So, you know, he would just do all kinds of things.
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And then I became obsessed, not with 10,000 steps, but with 20,000 steps.
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And I just needed to like, get my angst out like that.
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And so at least on Sundays and then Wednesdays, because Wednesdays we were at our grief group, but then we got kicked out.
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You think they could like, um, tolerate or know how to deal with a 12 year old boy who was angry, but no.
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Um, so they asked us not to return because he was a troublemaker, I guess.
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But so Sundays and Wednesdays, we'd go to the park at least, and we would just be wild.
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Um, I got my 20,000 steps though, every day while they were at school and, um, just really like sometimes I'd send the kids outside if they were angsty.
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We had four acres at the time.
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Um, and I'd be like, go outside and break things.
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And so we had this lawn for these, this wood lawn furniture, like in little different areas in the yard, and they got to break them.
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They were allowed to do that to get their anger out.
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Um, so that's one of the ways that I helped them is I let them experience their grief with their bodies.
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Yeah, I think that's really important.
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And I think that, you know, we talk about processing grief and processing it in different ways.
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And sometimes just letting that flow through our bodies is really helpful.
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I walk, not 20,000 steps a day, but I, I walk about 10,000 steps a day.
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Uh, and I found that that really helped me.
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Uh, and so it's great that you, you and the kids are able to kind of work through that, that part of processing it before you move into the, maybe the higher levels over winter call it.
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But I'm really curious, you said about getting kicked out of the grief group.
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Tell me about that.
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Well, so I'll just tell you that my son's pooping time is like, was right at dinner time.
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And it, and like, it would really irritate me because I'd have dinner on the table.
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He'd be like, I got to go to the bathroom.
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And I didn't know, cause it started after my husband died.
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I didn't know if this was like, that he didn't want to come to the dinner table, that he was acting out or that he really had to go.
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So, um, so our grief group was dinner time and we'd all have pizza and then we'd break up into our small groups like age appropriate.
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And so one time we probably attended four or five times, but like maybe the fourth time, um, they came in and said to me, actually I was sharing about my grief and the woman in charge of my son's group came in and she's like, um, excuse me, your son's in the bathroom.
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And I'm like, like in front of everyone.
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And I like, I, I had been like processing.
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So I was irritated and I was like, okay, he had to go to the bathroom.
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This is his poop time.
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And she's like, well, you've got to go get him.
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So I went into the bathroom and I'm like, uh, Hey, Liam, are you almost done?
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Like your group is waiting for you.
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And so he's like, no, so I came back and I said, well, he said he'd come out when he was done and she's like, well, he's not allowed to be in the bathroom by himself.
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And I'm like, okay, so what you want me to be in the men's bathroom?
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And then she said, well, we can't start the lesson until he's done.
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And I just, I didn't know what to do except for, I know I'm sure I said something snarky, like deal with it.
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You know, I don't know.
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So, and then I think we went one more time.
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And then I got this phone call saying that he was not welcome back, but my daughter and I were and what my accommodation would be for him.
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And my accommodation was the F word coming out of my mouth.
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Like I'm going to return and process my grief while my son is like at a neighbor's house or something.
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I don't know.
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It just, um, I don't know.
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That was just kind of weird and inappropriate.
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And I don't know if I was inappropriate, but he was 12 and angry.
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Yeah.
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And I'm not going to ask you to elaborate on or disclose who the group was or what the group was.
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But the reason I really wanted to bring this up is because sometimes people don't give us what we need when we're in grief and it's, and every emotion is, is on the table.
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It could be anger.
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It could be guilt.
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It could be fear.
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It could be depression.
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It could be numbness, you know, and I think especially for, well, not especially for a kid, for all of us, anger is a very natural response.
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Yeah.
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And he was, um, I think very numb and, and that continued and he was like apathetic.
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And I actually ended up about two years later, sending him to military boarding school, um, just because he needed more than I could give him.
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He needed accountability and this kind of thing.
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And actually he's a senior and graduating.
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He's going to be a military chaplain.
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He, that was a great move on my part.
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Um, so just a little aside to all you moms or dads out there, like follow what you know is right.
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Don't listen to other people.
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Like so many people, they said so many mean things to me about sending him there and they still do.
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Um, but it was good for him and he is going to be a fully functioning contributing member of society because of it.
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And as opposed to like a basement dweller, you know?
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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Well, you know, the thing is, you know, you have to, as you said, do it, do what you know is right at what you feel is right.
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And you're in your intuition tells you.
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And the other thing as, as kids process things differently, men, boys process things different from girls, women.
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Um, so everybody's got to have their own way of processing things.
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And I think we need to honor that.
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And again, numbness or apathy can be a real response.
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I would think my daughter was 18 when my other daughter passed away, but I would think especially like with teenagers, because I know one of the things about teenagers is they typically just want to be normal.
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They just want to be like not recognized as being different.
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And that's going to really throw a big monkey wrench in that.
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Yes.
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Yeah.
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And, and that feeling different started immediately.
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Like my husband died, uh, like a week before school was supposed to start and my son was supposed to start middle school.
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So he started a week late and then he didn't have a dad.
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And then I couldn't go to both of the back to school nights and I couldn't, you know, do these things dads with donuts.
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And these things were like all happening right at the beginning.
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And although we didn't really, that I remember talk about that specific thing at the time, I know that like not having your dad feels so, you feel so conspicuous.
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Like I feel like still like I'll walk in, especially like a church and I don't have my husband with me and I feel so conspicuous because everybody else has a husband or like for my son, everybody else had a dad, even if the dad was divorced and lived in another house, they still have their dad.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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You, you said that, um, this is your husband actually made you a better mother in a sense.
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And I know sometimes people will say, well, I became a better person in spite of this.
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You say because of this.
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So explain that to people.
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Yeah.
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Well, like I said, um, I, the night Eric died, I'm like, I need to up my mom game.
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And so I actually did, I tried really hard and, um, we're pretty traditional people.
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And so we have like pretty traditional kinds of roles.
00:21:09.149 --> 00:21:13.750
The husband is the leader of the house, um, of the family.
00:21:13.750 --> 00:21:19.949
And then without him, I had to become the leader and I got to make different choices.
00:21:20.849 --> 00:21:26.490
And I mean, I don't know what it would have turned out to be if my husband wouldn't have died.
00:21:26.709 --> 00:21:27.990
I mean, it would have been great.
00:21:28.189 --> 00:21:29.169
He was a great leader.
00:21:29.289 --> 00:21:43.049
He was a wonderful man, but I look back and I know that it's a biblical reference is that, um, you know, about generations and generational change.
00:21:43.609 --> 00:21:54.849
And like the sins of the fathers fall upon their kids and their kids and their kids, you know, like alcoholism doesn't just affect the kids, but also the grandkids because it affected the kid and et cetera, et cetera.
00:21:55.250 --> 00:22:05.909
And, um, we didn't have alcoholism or anything, but we had some ways, like, especially, well, both of our families had some dysfunction, like who doesn't.
00:22:06.069 --> 00:22:12.829
And so Eric and I were very traditional, like, um, you're doing this because we say so period.
00:22:13.569 --> 00:22:15.909
We, it wasn't a lot of how do you feel about it?
00:22:16.089 --> 00:22:21.750
You know, and then Eric dies and I have like zero leverage.
00:22:21.929 --> 00:22:22.689
I'm five two.
00:22:23.269 --> 00:22:27.809
And like at this point, the kids are as tall as me.
00:22:28.009 --> 00:22:37.769
And I don't really feel like I have a lot of, um, anything behind like behind my, behind my words.
00:22:38.709 --> 00:22:44.389
So, um, but I also lost the taste of like, well, I say so.
00:22:44.589 --> 00:22:57.029
And I remember specifically the first time it happened, we were driving in my husband's car and I was taking it to get detailed and because I was going to sell it.
00:22:57.289 --> 00:23:00.809
And Liam says, I don't want you to sell the car.
00:23:01.029 --> 00:23:02.349
Daddy promised it to me.
00:23:03.069 --> 00:23:06.549
And I said, well, no, I'm the mom.
00:23:06.829 --> 00:23:07.509
We're selling it.
00:23:08.229 --> 00:23:11.289
And then I, then I said, and you know what, I'm not that mom anymore.
00:23:11.669 --> 00:23:15.769
So I said, why, like, why are you feeling so sad about it?
00:23:15.809 --> 00:23:19.589
Well, cause dad promised me it and that makes me sad that we're going to get rid of dad's car.
00:23:20.169 --> 00:23:26.750
And so I said, well, what if a selling dad's car helped us with our goals?
00:23:26.750 --> 00:23:29.189
Because we as a family had two goals.
00:23:29.329 --> 00:23:31.189
One was that I didn't have to go back to work.
00:23:31.250 --> 00:23:38.629
And one was that we got to stay in our house until they graduated from high school, just like stability things.
00:23:39.369 --> 00:23:44.789
And selling the car would be like some cash, especially since at the beginning I was so broke.
00:23:45.529 --> 00:23:52.569
And so I told him that and I said, so what do you think about that helping us with our goals?
00:23:52.569 --> 00:23:53.509
And he goes, okay.
00:23:54.309 --> 00:23:56.089
And I said, when are you ready to drive?
00:23:56.509 --> 00:23:57.589
We'll buy you a car.
00:23:58.369 --> 00:24:05.709
And so that was like the first sort of moment that I remember that I was going to be a changed mom.
00:24:06.569 --> 00:24:20.509
And after that, I started being able to say things to my kids, like instead of, you know, say a teacher calls, like that's never happened, but you know, a teacher calls in, in the kids in trouble.
00:24:21.229 --> 00:24:23.529
Instead of me just being like, you're on restriction.
00:24:24.529 --> 00:24:27.750
Instead, I can say things like, well, what happened and why?
00:24:28.009 --> 00:24:29.189
And let's talk about it.
00:24:29.429 --> 00:24:30.449
What is your input?
00:24:31.529 --> 00:24:41.329
If we're going to make a big change as the family, it wasn't just me and Eric making the decision, but it was my kids having input.
00:24:42.409 --> 00:24:52.209
And generally, generationally, that is not the kind of touchy feely sort of families that either of us grew up in.
00:24:52.709 --> 00:24:53.209
Wow.
00:24:54.189 --> 00:24:57.289
So you said it made you a better mother.
00:24:57.509 --> 00:24:59.369
How did it change you otherwise as a person?
00:25:00.929 --> 00:25:04.750
Well, yes, I mean, I used to be perfect.
00:25:07.649 --> 00:25:08.609
Not anymore.
00:25:09.149 --> 00:25:13.669
I walk around with my flaws on the outside.
00:25:13.669 --> 00:25:15.129
I don't mind them anymore.
00:25:15.649 --> 00:25:19.129
I have much more capacity for other people and their flaws.
00:25:20.329 --> 00:25:23.349
And I just am like way more calm.
00:25:23.829 --> 00:25:27.109
And I just have better relationships.
00:25:27.149 --> 00:25:28.349
I have less stress.
00:25:29.969 --> 00:25:39.289
It's weird that losing my husband, who was my everything leader, would put me in a place where I'm so much calmer.
00:25:39.509 --> 00:25:42.569
But that's sort of the growth path that I've had.
00:25:43.369 --> 00:25:44.449
Why do you think that is?
00:25:44.589 --> 00:25:45.369
How did that come about?
00:25:46.509 --> 00:25:49.189
Well, I think that it has to do with my Christian faith.
00:25:51.250 --> 00:25:58.909
And I think that I rely on God to help me solve my problems instead of my husband to help me solve my problems.
00:25:59.589 --> 00:26:00.609
And God is flawless.
00:26:01.389 --> 00:26:02.829
And my husband was flawed.
00:26:03.109 --> 00:26:04.369
And then I was flawed.
00:26:11.529 --> 00:26:13.269
So the two things that I've learned about God is that we trust in him.
00:26:14.029 --> 00:26:18.109
And when you trust in God, you don't have as much to fear.
00:26:18.849 --> 00:26:21.949
And you don't have as much to worry about.
00:26:22.709 --> 00:26:25.209
Yeah, that's a really interesting thing, how that happens, right?
00:26:25.269 --> 00:26:31.149
We have the biggest tragedies of our life come around, and then we learn to trust more out of that tragedy.
00:26:31.929 --> 00:26:32.449
Yeah.
00:26:33.589 --> 00:26:37.289
So you mentioned you were a pretty traditional family.
00:26:37.469 --> 00:26:38.569
And I just interviewed someone.
00:26:39.029 --> 00:26:41.129
Actually, the episode just came out.
00:26:41.769 --> 00:26:44.389
She is a very traditional Christian.
00:26:44.669 --> 00:26:45.669
She lost her husband.
00:26:46.549 --> 00:26:51.209
And she had some struggles because the church told her, this is the role of a woman.
00:26:51.389 --> 00:26:52.589
This is the role of a man.
00:26:53.189 --> 00:26:55.809
Did you have any trouble stepping into that role?
00:26:56.569 --> 00:26:59.229
You said you became a different kind of parent.
00:26:59.729 --> 00:27:01.509
But did you have any struggles with that?
00:27:02.549 --> 00:27:16.029
I did not have any of those after Eric died, but like before he died at church, you know, like hearing that a woman asked to acquiesce to the man kind of thing.
00:27:16.169 --> 00:27:24.669
Like I think of a lot of churches, people forget that, you know, the man is the leader of the house, but he treats this woman as Christ treats the church.
00:27:24.929 --> 00:27:26.429
I think a lot of people forget that.
00:27:26.669 --> 00:27:28.409
That's the last part you never talked about.
00:27:28.409 --> 00:27:29.269
Right, right.
00:27:31.750 --> 00:27:37.569
But one of the things that I was mad at God about was that I had to be the leader.
00:27:38.629 --> 00:27:40.889
Because I didn't want to be the leader.
00:27:41.649 --> 00:27:46.750
And then I wasn't just the leader of my little family with my kids.
00:27:47.289 --> 00:27:50.750
But then I was the leader of my larger family.
00:27:51.289 --> 00:27:56.589
After my husband died, my brother died, and my dad died.
00:27:57.349 --> 00:28:03.449
And so then I have my 82 year old mom, who now I have to take care of her.
00:28:03.949 --> 00:28:09.089
And so I moved her from a little town in Washington out to Kansas City where I live.
00:28:11.490 --> 00:28:16.089
Now I have to work with the dysfunctions that my mom and I have.
00:28:16.329 --> 00:28:26.189
And I have to learn how to I have to learn how to lead her to a better, calmer place because she can't do it.
00:28:27.069 --> 00:28:30.169
So then here I am the leader.
00:28:30.469 --> 00:28:36.349
And then, you know, that kind of made me mad because Eric was good with my mom and she respected him because he was a man.
00:28:37.049 --> 00:28:43.589
So I had to really learn how to like lean into how am I going to help my mom?
00:28:44.169 --> 00:28:54.789
And so basically what I learned, which is probably obvious to everyone, but not to me till I learned it, which is how I show up as a person is how whoever I'm with reacts.
00:28:55.849 --> 00:29:06.750
And so that was a real lesson to me that whenever I go see my mom, I have to be in the right spirit and I have to be, I have to be kind.
00:29:07.069 --> 00:29:11.209
I'm the one who has to display all of this, even though she's my mom.
00:29:12.289 --> 00:29:20.409
So like learning how to be the leader was hard, but I learned it.
00:29:20.809 --> 00:29:22.549
And I think I'm doing pretty good.
00:29:23.269 --> 00:29:23.369
Yeah.
00:29:23.669 --> 00:29:23.949
Yeah.
00:29:24.269 --> 00:29:25.449
Learning, learning hard things.
00:29:25.789 --> 00:29:25.889
Yeah.
00:29:26.389 --> 00:29:26.629
Yeah.
00:29:27.129 --> 00:29:34.029
You touched upon, you said one of the goals was after, after your husband passed is that you'd be able to stay and stay in the house.
00:29:34.909 --> 00:29:36.949
And I think you said not go back to work.
00:29:37.149 --> 00:29:38.349
How did that work out for you?
00:29:38.509 --> 00:29:39.309
Were you able to stay home?
00:29:40.889 --> 00:29:41.009
Yes.
00:29:41.469 --> 00:29:52.229
I, once our assets were unfrozen, I had a really good financial advisor and he really helped me make that happen.
00:29:52.589 --> 00:30:04.149
We did end up moving out of the house at some point because it was after my son went to boarding school as my daughter and I in a 6,700 square foot house on four acres.
00:30:04.509 --> 00:30:06.189
So it was a little ridiculous.
00:30:07.169 --> 00:30:08.429
And it was a lot of work.
00:30:09.149 --> 00:30:14.490
So, um, we did end up right sizing, but it was, it, it was okay.
00:30:14.490 --> 00:30:18.709
Cause I was trying to maintain stability, but you know, my daughter's in the same school.
00:30:18.889 --> 00:30:23.329
My, my son said, I don't care as long as I come home and I have my room, you know?
00:30:23.609 --> 00:30:27.569
So, um, so yes, I was able to do that.
00:30:27.569 --> 00:30:37.689
And I feel like, although God sort of yanked the rug out from under me, I feel like he's given me a lot of blessings aside.
00:30:38.189 --> 00:30:39.750
Like I don't have my husband anymore.
00:30:39.909 --> 00:30:48.089
I don't have my big fat paycheck, but I, but I've, I feel like he has blessed me, um, with enough money.
00:30:48.269 --> 00:30:51.490
I always have enough money for everything that I need and want.
00:30:52.509 --> 00:30:55.569
So, um, that's been a real blessing for me.
00:30:56.269 --> 00:31:12.189
So getting really practical for a moment, what advice would you have for, for people who are married to prepare for something like this, um, in terms of the financial and all that stuff and what if someone finds themselves in a situation, what advice would you have for them also?
00:31:13.129 --> 00:31:18.369
Well, before the death happens, get that life insurance.
00:31:18.689 --> 00:31:34.789
It is so important because you don't want your mates to suddenly be the leader of the family and having all of that stress and pressure and then having to go to work every day or find a new job or replace your income.
00:31:35.389 --> 00:31:38.569
Like that life insurance is so important.
00:31:39.049 --> 00:31:48.629
And then the other thing I would say is make sure that both of the married people are on everything on the bank accounts, on the electric bill.
00:31:49.429 --> 00:31:54.969
Oddly, the hardest thing is, was the, uh, cell phone.
00:31:55.569 --> 00:32:01.689
And actually like three years later, they were still suing my husband, even though he was dead and they knew he was dead.
00:32:01.869 --> 00:32:09.909
It just like beyond just partner up beyond everything because signers, um, that'll make everything a lot easier.
00:32:10.490 --> 00:32:23.429
And then to the person who finds themselves suddenly without their mate, I mean, I think that what you need to do is you need to find a good financial advisor.
00:32:24.109 --> 00:32:34.529
Um, and I'm not talking about your brother-in-law, you need to go and you need to see someone who is unbiased and can sit, sit you down and say, here's your reality.
00:32:34.929 --> 00:32:51.009
So maybe that means you have to go back to work or maybe it means you don't right now, or maybe it means you need to invest in whatever, but it just really have somebody to guide you who isn't emotionally involved in your situation.
00:32:51.669 --> 00:32:52.549
Yeah, thank you.
00:32:52.689 --> 00:32:55.269
That's, that's very, um, it's good to have that.
00:32:55.269 --> 00:33:02.509
And I know it's one of those things that we don't like to talk about and we don't like to think about, but we do find ourselves in those situations.
00:33:02.829 --> 00:33:13.569
And, uh, and I'm, I'm learning about this, you know, myself right now at my advanced stage that, you know, you've got to have these things in place, you know, you know, trusts and all that kind of stuff.
00:33:13.569 --> 00:33:17.029
Again, that we don't like to really think about and having everybody's name on everything.
00:33:17.169 --> 00:33:18.549
It's different and it's different by state.
00:33:19.269 --> 00:33:22.289
So in some states, it does roll over automatically to, to the spouse.
00:33:22.429 --> 00:33:24.009
In some states, it doesn't.
00:33:24.769 --> 00:33:24.869
Yeah.
00:33:25.569 --> 00:33:25.969
Yeah.
00:33:26.189 --> 00:33:29.869
So, I mean, I guess the other thing I would say is don't have debt.
00:33:31.229 --> 00:33:31.629
Yeah.
00:33:32.209 --> 00:33:34.729
But that's just a good practical thing for anyone.
00:33:35.490 --> 00:33:35.949
Yeah, exactly.
00:33:36.250 --> 00:33:37.109
As little debt as possible.
00:33:37.889 --> 00:33:37.990
Yeah.
00:33:39.329 --> 00:33:48.129
So, um, you, you, uh, with, with Eric, you know, you had a pretty, uh, uh, I guess traditional relationship.
00:33:48.629 --> 00:33:50.309
Um, you weren't expecting this.
00:33:50.669 --> 00:33:56.049
What surprised you about yourself after you found yourself in this situation?
00:33:56.329 --> 00:33:58.869
What, what did you find out about Lisa that you didn't know before?
00:34:00.109 --> 00:34:12.949
Well, I found out that I love adventures and I mean, I kind of knew that I liked adventures when Eric was alive because we always had so much fun.
00:34:13.030 --> 00:34:15.369
Like we'd make anything an adventure like dieting.
00:34:15.490 --> 00:34:16.789
We'd like, yeah.
00:34:17.650 --> 00:34:22.869
And so that I didn't lose that.
00:34:23.150 --> 00:34:30.230
And in fact, it grew and I have done so many of these like super awesome traveling adventures.
00:34:30.230 --> 00:34:35.110
Like last year I was invited to be a writers in residence in France for three weeks.
00:34:35.490 --> 00:34:43.230
And I got to, all I did all day was write in a chateau in, like in the countryside in France.
00:34:44.210 --> 00:34:51.409
And so it made it kind of freed up a part of me because I didn't have to stay home because Eric was a little bit of a homebody.
00:34:52.070 --> 00:34:55.650
And so I was allowed to like choose some things that I wanted to do.
00:34:55.650 --> 00:35:03.090
And I've just really gotten into traveling and I've just haven't said no to anything, everything that's presented to me.
00:35:03.349 --> 00:35:04.969
I'm like, I'm doing it.
00:35:05.309 --> 00:35:10.369
Even if it's Cleveland, I'm going to go and I'm going to have fun.
00:35:10.929 --> 00:35:15.110
And so I've like, I really, like I can go.
00:35:15.289 --> 00:35:17.110
In fact, I'm planning a trip to Rome.
00:35:18.389 --> 00:35:25.250
And then afterwards I'm going to a writer's retreat, but I decided that since I'm going to be in Tuscany for a writer's retreat, why not go to Rome for a week?
00:35:25.429 --> 00:35:31.170
And I'm going by myself and I know exactly what kinds of tours to sign up for.
00:35:31.170 --> 00:35:33.710
And I will have the greatest time.
00:35:34.449 --> 00:35:40.650
So I've like almost turned into my grandma who traveled the world by herself after my grandpa died.
00:35:42.289 --> 00:35:48.170
So that's been a little surprising to me because I was always such a homebody with Eric.
00:35:48.510 --> 00:35:49.030
Yeah.
00:35:50.190 --> 00:35:50.449
Yeah.
00:35:50.710 --> 00:36:00.289
And I'm glad you shared that, but I would imagine again, right after Eric passed, could you even imagine you'd be here six and a half years later?
00:36:00.510 --> 00:36:07.010
I mean, if someone had said, at least six and a half years, you're going to be, you're going to be a writer, you're going to be traveling the world.
00:36:07.170 --> 00:36:08.250
What would you have said to them?
00:36:09.449 --> 00:36:12.349
I'd be like, well, how would you do that without Eric?
00:36:15.610 --> 00:36:16.630
Then I did it.
00:36:16.769 --> 00:36:17.130
Yeah.
00:36:17.769 --> 00:36:34.530
Well, again, I, you know, what I, what I like to do with this, with the show is to give people, give people hope to give people vision because when we're in that early part of grief, you know, it feels like nothing is ever going to be right again, that you'll, that I'll never be happy again.
00:36:35.170 --> 00:36:43.230
And I love talking to people like you who are a few years out, get a few years on this that can say, Hey, it's going to be okay.
00:36:44.630 --> 00:36:45.450
It is.
00:36:45.829 --> 00:36:49.010
And I mean, it like, don't get me wrong.
00:36:49.010 --> 00:36:54.570
I have days where I like really can't do anything because I'm so upset.
00:36:54.690 --> 00:37:01.230
Like, for example, that it's, I'm going to tear up a little bit right now because in a couple weeks, it would have been Eric's 60th birthday.
00:37:01.670 --> 00:37:05.530
And like, that is really hitting me that like, Eric is never going to be old.
00:37:06.130 --> 00:37:10.070
I mean, 53 might be old to some of you listeners, but yeah.
00:37:12.030 --> 00:37:26.930
But if you are in a place where you are so desolate because you lost a beloved, whatever that beloved is, a child, a husband, somebody really close to you.
00:37:28.050 --> 00:37:40.410
If you want to, if there's a little piece of you that wants to, you can, all you have to do is take about a step forward about every day.
00:37:41.150 --> 00:37:42.769
You don't have to make a giant leap.
00:37:43.110 --> 00:37:45.370
You just have to take a little step.
00:37:45.670 --> 00:37:49.650
And that little step can be, Hey, I'm going to make a homemade meal tonight.
00:37:50.650 --> 00:37:56.170
Or that little step can be, I'm just going to peek at an online dating app.
00:37:56.970 --> 00:37:57.870
I'm not going to do anything.
00:37:58.070 --> 00:37:58.849
I'm just going to peek.
00:37:59.490 --> 00:38:04.630
That little step could be, I'm going to open my journal and I'm going to write.
00:38:05.130 --> 00:38:08.030
You, you know, what that little step is.
00:38:08.470 --> 00:38:22.769
If you can take it on most days, then you can find yourself six years later, a bestselling author, traveling the world and virtually having a great life.
00:38:23.269 --> 00:38:26.110
And that brings me to something weird that I'm going to say.
00:38:27.289 --> 00:38:34.870
I sometimes like, I'll look in my photo roll on my phone and I'll see me before Eric died.
00:38:35.070 --> 00:38:40.150
And I'll be like, Oh, if you even knew what was coming and what you're going to have to walk through.
00:38:40.650 --> 00:38:45.490
And then I'll look at me now and I look a little older, but then again, I am.
00:38:46.390 --> 00:38:56.590
And I just marvel at how life can still be great and life can still go on.
00:38:56.849 --> 00:39:01.570
And I sometimes look at the old me and I'm like, do I even want to be her anymore?
00:39:03.010 --> 00:39:03.710
I mean, sure.
00:39:04.030 --> 00:39:05.130
I want Eric back.
00:39:05.570 --> 00:39:12.450
Like I would do that in the blink of an eye, but how would it be with the new me and the old him?
00:39:12.450 --> 00:39:13.210
Yeah.
00:39:14.050 --> 00:39:16.590
Like life just made me so different.
00:39:17.490 --> 00:39:21.550
And I would just say, like, try to embrace that.
00:39:21.809 --> 00:39:28.050
Try to, try to just be you part two.
00:39:28.690 --> 00:39:29.289
Yeah.
00:39:30.090 --> 00:39:30.190
Yeah.
00:39:31.010 --> 00:39:37.890
Now, Lisa, I know you said you're, you're a woman of faith and you mentioned maybe a little bit of anger toward God after Eric passed.
00:39:37.890 --> 00:39:41.370
How did your relationship with God evolve from that point?
00:39:43.110 --> 00:39:50.130
Well, I would say that I probably had the strongest faith of my life and then Eric died.
00:39:50.789 --> 00:39:59.970
And then I was literally God, like I still believe in you and you're still part of my life, but I can't even with you right now.
00:40:00.670 --> 00:40:06.510
I just, and I mean, I still went to church because church was really good to my kids.
00:40:06.990 --> 00:40:10.070
They like really embraced them and they were so helpful to them.
00:40:10.130 --> 00:40:11.590
But I had a hard time.
00:40:11.750 --> 00:40:17.030
Like I had to walk in the sanctuary by myself and sit by myself for the first time ever in my life.
00:40:17.530 --> 00:40:22.970
And then I had to listen to people talk about how awesome God is.
00:40:23.230 --> 00:40:24.710
And like, I didn't feel that.
00:40:26.010 --> 00:40:40.610
And for a long time, like I don't even know if I prayed and then slowly my faith started coming back to me and I just could hear the Holy Spirit a little bit.
00:40:40.849 --> 00:40:50.829
And then I started reading my Bible again and I started just being more aware and allowing God in my life again.
00:40:51.950 --> 00:40:54.370
And is it okay if I read a scripture?
00:40:54.710 --> 00:40:55.110
Absolutely.
00:40:55.670 --> 00:40:55.829
Okay.
00:40:56.550 --> 00:41:00.269
So I came across this scripture.
00:41:00.550 --> 00:41:04.010
I was doing like the read through the Bible in a year, but it takes me two and a half years.
00:41:04.710 --> 00:41:09.550
And I came across this and I was so mad that I called up my friend and read it to her.
00:41:09.630 --> 00:41:10.670
And I was like enraged.
00:41:11.570 --> 00:41:19.289
It's Hosea two 14 through 16, but, and God is talking to the Israelites who have been banished from Jerusalem.
00:41:27.130 --> 00:41:33.030
And then I will win her back once again, I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her there.
00:41:33.410 --> 00:41:39.050
I will return the vineyards to her and transform the valley of trouble into the gateway of hope.
00:41:39.510 --> 00:41:51.910
She will give herself to me there as she did long ago when she was young, when I freed her from captivity in Egypt, when the day comes says the Lord, you will call me husband instead of master.
00:41:53.170 --> 00:42:01.110
And so like that just totally pissed me off because I'm like, what God, you're going to be my husband.
00:42:01.610 --> 00:42:03.250
Like you're going to take me out for drinks.
00:42:03.390 --> 00:42:05.849
You're going to let me sit in your lap and cuddle with you.
00:42:06.170 --> 00:42:09.890
And I just was so mad about that.
00:42:11.050 --> 00:42:19.470
And it just stuck in my mind and I spent a year probably praying about it and resisting it.
00:42:20.510 --> 00:42:28.590
But over time I began to realize that God meant not that he was going to be my last earthly husband.
00:42:28.650 --> 00:42:33.450
Like I still hold out hope that I might have a part two, um, another marriage.
00:42:33.750 --> 00:42:38.670
But what I realized is that God was telling me is that I could trust him.
00:42:39.130 --> 00:42:48.329
I could trust him with every single thing that I trusted Eric with and PS, he had like way more power to have good outcomes than Eric did.
00:42:49.510 --> 00:42:57.690
And so I, I'm like, I'm still on that journey of like trusting God 100%.
00:42:58.309 --> 00:43:04.690
And although I, I feel like I'm there a lot, but you know, I'm just a girl.
00:43:05.230 --> 00:43:17.510
So I don't always have that trust, but, um, I could tell you about a couple of times where I feel like it's a spiritual thing that happens, um, with God.
00:43:18.210 --> 00:43:31.590
So my son, as I've told you struggled and a certain year in his life, he has struggled so much that I was afraid that he would be able to even graduate from high school.
00:43:32.470 --> 00:43:39.970
And so I asked like in a moment of desperation on my Facebook page, I'm like, everyone's been so good to us since Eric died.
00:43:39.990 --> 00:43:41.690
And you're always asking what you can do to help.
00:43:41.789 --> 00:43:42.809
Well, here's how you can help.
00:43:42.870 --> 00:43:46.230
Who wants to do a year long prayer and invention for one of my kids.
00:43:46.450 --> 00:43:49.349
And I just got 30 people who immediately said yes.
00:43:49.950 --> 00:43:55.410
And so for the next year, we all prayed for him every week.
00:43:55.849 --> 00:44:02.530
And then I'd send like a little picture or a verse or something like, don't forget to pray for Liam this week.
00:44:03.110 --> 00:44:08.950
And the transformation that happened in that kid's life was amazing.
00:44:09.550 --> 00:44:17.289
He went from just not caring about himself to asking for acne medication, for asking to have braces.
00:44:17.870 --> 00:44:25.490
These are things he refused before to, um, deciding that he wants to join the army and that he wants to be a pastor.
00:44:26.450 --> 00:44:38.289
And just this change was so great, but I'll have to tell you this in that year, I, I probably got the most benefit from it.
00:44:39.170 --> 00:44:48.590
And it took a year before I saw anything like it was a long year of praying and not seeing improvement in Liam.
00:44:49.050 --> 00:44:50.550
Like it took like that whole year.
00:44:51.210 --> 00:44:55.329
And I remember just being just despondent about it.
00:44:55.450 --> 00:45:03.329
Like I would start off my day, like praying, and then I would end up on the floor crying and just like, God, why, why are you punishing him?
00:45:03.430 --> 00:45:04.470
Why are you punishing me?
00:45:04.630 --> 00:45:09.250
Like you took Eric, like he needs something, give it to him.
00:45:09.250 --> 00:45:11.809
And I didn't see it for a long time.
00:45:11.809 --> 00:45:13.809
It was all happening like on the inside.
00:45:14.849 --> 00:45:25.690
And so one night I went to bed and in the middle of the night I woke up and God spoke to me and I didn't hear it.
00:45:25.789 --> 00:45:27.010
This is why I know it was God.
00:45:27.289 --> 00:45:28.890
Like this has never happened to me before.
00:45:29.230 --> 00:45:31.090
It wasn't like I heard with my ears.
00:45:31.710 --> 00:45:36.010
I like heard with my whole body, like sort of vibrating.
00:45:36.630 --> 00:45:40.390
And I just woke up and I felt like this presence.
00:45:40.410 --> 00:45:49.769
And then I heard in that weird hearing way, don't you think you can trust me for Liam yet?
00:45:52.150 --> 00:45:55.789
And I went, oh, okay.
00:45:57.210 --> 00:46:01.610
And then like the next morning I was like, okay, that was really weird.
00:46:02.289 --> 00:46:09.590
And like that coupled with that was like at almost the end of the year when I didn't feel like Liam was improving.
00:46:09.849 --> 00:46:18.590
But then at the end, like all this stuff came together like that and his career choice and his request for the braces and the acne medication, blah, blah, blah.
00:46:18.710 --> 00:46:21.590
There's like all of a sudden it's like overnight he blossomed.
00:46:22.289 --> 00:46:33.150
And so that's like really stuck with me obviously, because I've never heard not with my ears, but like I heard with my body.
00:46:34.849 --> 00:46:46.269
And then so we moved from Southern California, where I lived most of my life to Kansas City eight months before my husband died.
00:46:46.970 --> 00:46:50.610
And so I had to learn how to do winter.
00:46:52.210 --> 00:46:56.010
I had never, I hadn't had any experience with snow and you know, this kind of thing.
00:46:56.570 --> 00:46:59.789
And then, you know, here we are, like the seventh winter.
00:47:00.590 --> 00:47:04.050
And we had moved to a new house and the driveway was a hill.
00:47:05.010 --> 00:47:09.410
And so I thought, I can do this hill in winter.
00:47:09.650 --> 00:47:11.349
And I like had these ideas in my head.
00:47:11.590 --> 00:47:14.630
And I know what winter is like, I wasn't really afraid of it anymore.
00:47:14.870 --> 00:47:24.309
But then we had ice storms in Kansas City and the coldest winter and the most snow in like 28 years or something last year.
00:47:25.410 --> 00:47:30.769
And my daughter, she was like 15 or 16 at the time.
00:47:31.269 --> 00:47:33.890
Oh, and you're allowed to drive at 15 here.
00:47:34.230 --> 00:47:42.769
So when I tell you the story, so she left to go to work and I saw that we're going to have all these storms.
00:47:43.010 --> 00:47:47.809
And we talked about it, but I'm like, oh, you're going to get out of work right at the beginning of the snow.
00:47:47.890 --> 00:47:48.450
So you'll be home.
00:47:48.590 --> 00:47:49.070
You'll be fine.
00:47:49.090 --> 00:47:49.730
Just drive home.
00:47:50.050 --> 00:47:53.030
And I didn't even think about the fact that I might need to come pick her up or whatever.
00:47:53.510 --> 00:47:56.750
So we get an ice storm.
00:47:57.050 --> 00:48:03.230
So I learned that on the weather app, when we have these like angry, like blue slash lines, that's an ice storm.
00:48:03.510 --> 00:48:05.170
But like I hadn't experienced that yet.
00:48:05.250 --> 00:48:07.550
I'd only experienced like the nice gentle snow.
00:48:08.370 --> 00:48:12.170
And so that was what happened before the snow.
00:48:12.370 --> 00:48:16.190
So there was like a coat of ice on the ground and then snow on top of it.
00:48:16.490 --> 00:48:22.950
So my daughter calls, she's like 20 minutes away and she's like, mom, I don't feel comfortable driving home.
00:48:22.950 --> 00:48:24.930
And I'm like, well, I'm so glad that you called me.
00:48:25.050 --> 00:48:26.510
That's like what you're supposed to do.
00:48:27.289 --> 00:48:29.070
So I said, I'm going to call an Uber.
00:48:29.309 --> 00:48:30.809
Well, actually, I didn't say that yet.
00:48:31.190 --> 00:48:32.610
So I had my son walk down the driveway.
00:48:32.809 --> 00:48:33.910
It was Christmas break.
00:48:34.030 --> 00:48:37.990
So he was home and he like slid right down so that I couldn't get my car out.
00:48:38.410 --> 00:48:42.269
So I was new in this neighborhood and I didn't have any, I didn't know any neighbors.
00:48:43.470 --> 00:48:45.130
So I said, well, I'll call you an Uber.
00:48:45.849 --> 00:48:50.769
And I tried to get an Uber for 20 minutes and I could get nothing.
00:48:51.349 --> 00:49:00.490
And so in frustration, I turned my phone off, I threw it and I said, fine God, you want to be my husband, get her home.
00:49:02.090 --> 00:49:12.849
And then I got my senses and I picked my phone back up and, um, but my Uber app was off and I called my friend and I'm like, like, how many brainstorm here?
00:49:12.870 --> 00:49:19.789
So we're like thinking that maybe I just book her a hotel room across the street and she could just stay there until I could come get her.
00:49:20.370 --> 00:49:31.510
And then, um, my, I got this message that said, Quan will pick up your ride.
00:49:31.990 --> 00:49:38.650
But my Uber app was off and it was like this Uber alert that I had never seen before.
00:49:40.130 --> 00:49:49.510
And I use oh, Katie got home.
00:49:49.650 --> 00:49:51.490
Like I literally was waiting for on the front porch.
00:49:51.590 --> 00:49:59.690
Like I was just beside myself because I felt like here I am, the mom and the dad, I can't even get out of my driveway.
00:50:00.370 --> 00:50:02.030
I don't have anyone to call.
00:50:02.490 --> 00:50:12.070
I mean, I was about to start calling my old neighbors, which I know they would have helped me, but you know, when you're in that situation, you feel different about calling people.
00:50:12.390 --> 00:50:26.450
But so with those and like other little incidents that have happened, I'm really learning to trust God as my husband, like as the person who's going to solve my problems.
00:50:27.250 --> 00:50:30.910
And that's been just a really good journey for me.
00:50:31.370 --> 00:50:31.710
Awesome.
00:50:32.329 --> 00:50:37.550
Now I know you had a breakthrough with your mother, you know, I guess based upon the grief that you're going through.
00:50:37.730 --> 00:50:38.470
So tell me about that.
00:50:38.690 --> 00:50:39.070
Yeah.
00:50:39.690 --> 00:50:44.630
Well, my mom likes to be the center of attention.
00:50:45.269 --> 00:50:48.970
And everything sort of revolves around how she feels about it.
00:50:49.730 --> 00:50:56.030
And so she doesn't always have a lot of understanding for others and what they're going through.
00:50:56.090 --> 00:51:02.210
And she wasn't super amazing for when Eric died.
00:51:02.370 --> 00:51:08.809
And she's since apologized, because she now understands what it's like to be a widow, because she is one now.
00:51:10.789 --> 00:51:12.950
And that's caused some anger with me.
00:51:13.390 --> 00:51:24.769
And there's been some incidents in my life where she hasn't been what I've needed her to be, because she can't see what I'm going through unless she's gone through it.
00:51:25.450 --> 00:51:30.750
And so that's really like has affected the way I felt about her.
00:51:31.829 --> 00:51:37.170
And so I get, I tend to get a little angry and impatient.
00:51:38.070 --> 00:51:43.829
And so when my mom moved out here, I was angry and impatient, like I was the usual me, she was the usual her.
00:51:44.309 --> 00:51:53.769
But then through the the months that after she moved here, she lives in this beautiful retirement, a half retirement community half an hour away.
00:51:53.849 --> 00:52:07.030
And so when I see her, I now pray and I like listen to praise music, just so I'm like in the right spirit for when I show up with her because I prayed about it a lot.
00:52:07.450 --> 00:52:11.710
And I've just tried to embrace like what is a leader?
00:52:12.230 --> 00:52:15.329
A leader doesn't mean that I go in with my needs.
00:52:16.030 --> 00:52:19.950
A leader goes in sharing what others need.
00:52:20.030 --> 00:52:22.930
And a leader goes in and fills the holes.
00:52:23.289 --> 00:52:25.910
The leader doesn't sit and wait for their holes to be filled.
00:52:26.630 --> 00:52:39.130
And I've had on my way to my mom's house, I've had like literal spiritual warfare in my car, where like the thought of just being done with her pops into my head.
00:52:39.210 --> 00:52:41.150
And I'm like, no, get behind me.
00:52:41.630 --> 00:52:46.750
No, you know, like just this like argument with I don't know, it's demon myself.
00:52:47.230 --> 00:52:48.190
I don't know, whatever.
00:52:49.750 --> 00:52:53.910
But I've just really learned that I'm the leader now.
00:52:55.470 --> 00:52:58.210
And so I show up leading.
00:52:58.910 --> 00:53:00.530
I don't show up waiting to be led.
00:53:01.190 --> 00:53:05.030
And I'm kind of excited about that, actually.
00:53:05.690 --> 00:53:10.090
And I'm kind of excited that I, I get to be the leader of my family now.
00:53:10.170 --> 00:53:13.170
So I get to say this is how we treat each other.
00:53:13.370 --> 00:53:17.809
And I'll even tell my mom that I'll be like, Oh, no, we are having kind words today.
00:53:18.990 --> 00:53:27.550
Or, you know, but I get to do that, like, I get to set the tone, instead of waiting for my mom to set the tone, and then it's not a great tone.
00:53:28.050 --> 00:53:34.990
So I have kind of, I was mad at God for a while that I had to be the leader.
00:53:35.650 --> 00:53:39.550
But now I'm like, well, maybe I can be a better leader.
00:53:40.650 --> 00:53:45.930
And so I tried to lead with godliness and kindness.
00:53:47.090 --> 00:53:49.110
And it's been working in actually.
00:53:50.650 --> 00:53:53.970
So as we take this, it's early January.
00:53:54.550 --> 00:54:00.110
And I'm happy to say that this was my best Christmas that I've had since Eric died.
00:54:00.130 --> 00:54:03.730
And it's actually the best Christmas I've had in a long time.
00:54:04.150 --> 00:54:10.190
Because Christmas is always with my mom kind of about how she wants it to go.
00:54:11.030 --> 00:54:15.590
And then after Eric died, it was about how she wants it to go.
00:54:15.710 --> 00:54:16.650
And then Eric wasn't there.
00:54:16.750 --> 00:54:19.809
And you know, all of the holiday things are so hard when you lose someone.
00:54:20.370 --> 00:54:20.470
Yeah.
00:54:20.890 --> 00:54:23.090
But I got to be the leader this Christmas.
00:54:23.970 --> 00:54:30.650
And with healing, and with leadership, it was an amazing time.
00:54:30.990 --> 00:54:31.890
We all laughed.
00:54:32.510 --> 00:54:33.829
We had a great time.
00:54:34.710 --> 00:54:37.769
There were no not even any little arguments.
00:54:38.829 --> 00:54:46.010
And so yeah, you've transformed you become a you've stepped up.
00:54:46.130 --> 00:54:46.570
That's awesome.
00:54:47.170 --> 00:54:49.250
Let's talk about the widow's comeback.
00:54:49.250 --> 00:54:51.410
Don't tell people what they can expect from your memoir.
00:54:51.650 --> 00:54:52.470
Yeah, yeah.
00:54:52.910 --> 00:54:58.289
So I have even not just my memoir, but I have a ministry called the widow's comeback.
00:54:58.910 --> 00:55:08.530
I'm on Facebook, I do live prayer there, I do a post a day to help you process what you might be going through as a widow.
00:55:10.090 --> 00:55:14.170
And then I have some tools that I've created the widow's comeback is my memoir.
00:55:14.670 --> 00:55:17.849
And it's about the first two years after my husband died.
00:55:18.309 --> 00:55:22.870
And if you read it, you have to be ready to laugh and cry.
00:55:23.390 --> 00:55:24.970
And then laugh so hard, you cry.
00:55:25.329 --> 00:55:34.030
So I just really have I took some humor and I put it in because I think that in processing, it's good to be able to laugh.
00:55:34.370 --> 00:55:47.970
So I just really like leaned into like the shit show that I was and and I told the truth and I told like really what it's like to be a widow and some of the funny things that happen.
00:55:48.110 --> 00:55:56.130
I started dating, and this kind of thing because a lot of the widow's memoirs that I've read were sort of like the perfect widow.
00:55:57.250 --> 00:55:59.829
And but I like talked about a lot of stuff.
00:55:59.970 --> 00:56:04.230
So I want I want widows to not feel alone.
00:56:04.450 --> 00:56:09.349
I don't want widows to feel like they are the only ones that are like total shit shows.
00:56:09.550 --> 00:56:16.370
Because man, like it's all bets are off when you're a widow, like you have to rediscover, you have to learn.
00:56:16.809 --> 00:56:18.010
And it can be funny.
00:56:18.470 --> 00:56:30.970
So so I have my memoir that I want to bring widows into the experience with me so that they don't feel like I said, they don't feel alone.
00:56:32.150 --> 00:56:35.110
And then along with that, I have two companion pieces.
00:56:35.769 --> 00:56:36.910
I have a grief calendar.
00:56:37.809 --> 00:56:45.050
So basically, what I do with the grief calendar is I teach you how to plan your month, because you have all kinds of landmine days.
00:56:45.269 --> 00:56:48.530
Like for example, I said that Eric's birthday is coming up his birthday.
00:56:49.050 --> 00:56:51.570
So I already have planned what I'm going to do.
00:56:52.190 --> 00:56:53.950
And then that way, I don't have to worry.
00:56:54.789 --> 00:56:57.970
Just know that that date is coming up and worry about it.
00:56:58.610 --> 00:57:05.030
So even if I end up doing something different on the day, which I've done before, at least like I can plan for it.
00:57:05.170 --> 00:57:14.010
And then when I start to like, get stressed that oh my gosh, it's Eric's birthday, I know, I'm going out for sushi, that he liked to take us for sushi dates.
00:57:14.309 --> 00:57:16.789
So my daughter and I are going to sushi, like I know that.
00:57:17.210 --> 00:57:18.470
So I don't have to worry about it.
00:57:19.289 --> 00:57:34.430
So and then in the grief calendar, I also have like, a really impactful exercise for each month to really help you process things like in laws, people who aren't helpful, you know, just some things that people aren't talking about.
00:57:35.170 --> 00:57:42.470
And then my third piece is actually, I think will be out maybe by the time this airs.
00:57:42.510 --> 00:57:51.309
And it's a guided grief journal and it has some opportunities to process your grief with God.
00:57:52.030 --> 00:57:56.050
So it's has some Bible verses and some things to think about.
00:57:56.490 --> 00:58:01.990
If you are a faithful person, that would be helpful to you.
00:58:03.269 --> 00:58:04.530
So that's what I have.
00:58:04.530 --> 00:58:06.970
But I also want to say what I have coming up.
00:58:06.970 --> 00:58:07.610
Yeah, sure.
00:58:08.030 --> 00:58:13.410
I have a trilogy coming out of like, life reinvention.
00:58:13.410 --> 00:58:21.570
It's about three women who lose their husbands in a plane crash and how each one of the widows walks their healing path.
00:58:22.630 --> 00:58:25.030
And I'm very excited about that.
00:58:25.170 --> 00:58:30.710
I just I wrote the first one, actually, while I was in France, she actually runs away from her life and goes to France.
00:58:31.150 --> 00:58:36.370
And like, that's the first book, the second book I'm about to start, it's called Pickle Ball Piccadillos.
00:58:36.370 --> 00:58:44.349
And it's about a woman who kind of heals and does her transformation by dating everybody on the Pickle Ball team.
00:58:44.950 --> 00:58:48.309
And then the third, I'm not quite sure what that's going to be yet.
00:58:48.610 --> 00:58:56.230
But so I have become a writer for widows with my ministry and with my skills.
00:58:56.390 --> 00:59:02.990
I'm trying to create things to help widows process their grief and know that they're going to be okay.
00:59:03.590 --> 00:59:04.390
That's awesome.
00:59:04.789 --> 00:59:05.309
That's awesome.
00:59:05.870 --> 00:59:21.210
So yeah, as we come to the end of our time together, I want to thank you for for what you've done, for what you share and for what you're doing, and for bringing hope to people that are going through what might feel like the end.
00:59:21.450 --> 00:59:28.809
I can only imagine I was talking to someone earlier, as I said, I've been speaking with a lot of widows lately for some reason.
00:59:29.430 --> 00:59:35.530
And they were saying, you know, if you're very young and you're widowed, you kind of feel like, you know, maybe you start over again.
00:59:35.930 --> 00:59:39.829
If you're very old and you're widowed, you kind of feel like, well, I'm toward the end anyway.
00:59:40.010 --> 00:59:45.250
But if you're in that middle range, that might be the most difficult time to lose someone.
00:59:46.230 --> 00:59:50.250
Because, you know, you're again, you might feel like I'm kind of coming toward the end.
00:59:50.250 --> 00:59:56.590
So I appreciate what you're doing to help people that are in that space, like you can reinvent yourself.
00:59:56.590 --> 00:59:57.670
It's not too late.
00:59:58.730 --> 01:00:02.950
Anything that I didn't ask you today that you wanted to talk about that you wish I had asked you?
01:00:03.530 --> 01:00:12.070
Well, actually, what you just said, I want to address the day after Eric died, I was 50 when he died.
01:00:12.990 --> 01:00:20.730
And I was walking down the hall and I remember specifically where I was when this really mean voice came into my head and it was my own voice.
01:00:21.250 --> 01:00:24.030
And I said to myself, well, I guess your life is over.
01:00:25.050 --> 01:00:27.370
I mean, it was a good life, but you're 50.
01:00:28.130 --> 01:00:30.769
Like what do you have in store for you?
01:00:31.630 --> 01:00:42.950
And I can say if you are 40, if you're 30, if you're 50, if you're 60, you have another you like your life is not over.
01:00:43.250 --> 01:00:44.809
You get to do what you want.
01:00:45.269 --> 01:00:53.550
Like you're going to walk through some really hard times, but you still get to choose and choose to have fun.
01:00:54.269 --> 01:00:55.150
Yeah, yeah.
01:00:55.410 --> 01:00:56.630
You get to make a choice.
01:00:56.789 --> 01:00:57.130
I love that.
01:00:57.450 --> 01:00:57.630
Thank you.
01:00:58.250 --> 01:00:58.349
Yeah.
01:00:58.650 --> 01:01:00.470
Well, Lisa, thanks so much for being here today.
01:01:00.849 --> 01:01:02.269
Again, thank you for what you're doing.
01:01:02.430 --> 01:01:03.910
It's been a pleasure getting to know you.
01:01:04.390 --> 01:01:06.510
Well, thank you and thank you for your podcast.
01:01:06.769 --> 01:01:08.610
I listen to it when I'm going to sleep sometimes.
01:01:10.289 --> 01:01:10.930
I hear that a lot.
01:01:11.050 --> 01:01:16.170
I guess I put people to sleep, but yeah, no, podcasts are good because they get your mind off of whatever.
01:01:16.849 --> 01:01:16.950
Yeah.
01:01:17.430 --> 01:01:17.590
All right.
01:01:17.590 --> 01:01:18.990
Well, have a great rest of your afternoon.
01:01:19.650 --> 01:01:19.930
Thanks.
01:01:20.390 --> 01:01:20.490
Bye.