How to Stop Reacting Emotionally and Blaming Others | Grant Dziak

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Learn how to have gratitude for the people that you believe hurt you.
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People always say that, like, you triggered me.
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No, you have a trigger inside of you.
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It's not their responsibility to not hit it.
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I'm the common denominator in every single bad thing I ever experienced.
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Man, what an uncomfortable thing.
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For most of human history, our reactions were shaped by direct experience, real consequences, and the people immediately around us.
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Today, we're constantly absorbing opinions, outrage, comparison, and pressure from people we may never even meet.
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My guest today is Grant Ziak.
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Nailed it.
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Nailed it.
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Thank you.
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Grant Ziak is a mental performance coach, perspective specialist who helps people understand the patterns driving how they think, react, and live.
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Grant, so good to catch up.
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How much of who we are is just a reaction that we've repeated so often it started to feel like identity?
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Well, first of all, Jay, dude, thanks so much.
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It's so good to catch up with you too and see you, man.
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I firmly believe that that's everything that we are.
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We're programmed and we don't even realize it a lot of the time.
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So the first half of our lives, we are programmed without even understanding that's what's happening to us.
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Yeah.
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Our parents, obviously, hopefully are doing the best they can.
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We're surrounded by loved ones, ideally, who are doing the best they can, but they're also only doing based on what their programming is and what they know.
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So when you pull back and you look at the big picture of, let's say, the personal development world, you have terms like generational trauma and patterns.
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Of course you do, because I was raised by a mother and a father who were raising me in the way that they were raised, who were raised by parents that were raised the way they were raised.
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And so, I mean, like, if you look at us as a biological species today, we haven't quite evolved and picked up to the technology environment that we live in now.
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So it's like we haven't fully adapted, and yet we're operating somewhat on these old patterns and these old systems.
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Some are great.
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Don't get me wrong.
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I think there's a lot of aspects of the way I was brought up that we might call old school.
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Belief systems, patterns, respect, ethics, morals, values.
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I love that.
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Some of them aren't also conducive today.
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So it's the ability to realize that we have programming in our lives and whatever we have repeatedly done, the behavior from the way we eat, the way we wake up in the morning, the side of the bed that we sleep on, the hand that we brush our teeth with.
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whatever it is, the way we drive to work.
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I use this example all the time.
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Think about driving somewhere 20, 30 minutes away on a regular basis every day.
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And all of a sudden one day you kind of like just wake up and you're in the parking lot.
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And it's like, man, like, how did I get here?
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And you mean to tell me you're driving a two-ton vehicle, 30, 40, 50, 60, 70 miles an hour, right turns, left turns, stoplights, and you didn't hit anyone ideally.
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And it's like, and that was all on programming.
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So like what else in our life is just programming without us actually understanding?
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It's just from a repeated series of behaviors that we've done.
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And once we understand that, we can actually go in and reprogram ourselves.
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Well, you bring up a good point.
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A lot of people don't realize they're doing this.
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So how do you know when you're reacting instead of choosing?
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One of the best things, so I have kind of like a litmus test I use with people, with clients that I work with, is because that's the first thing that comes up is,
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Am I reacting or am I responding?
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And it's, well, try this.
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Let the first word that you respond with, if it's in a situation with another person, let it be a breath and see what changes in that one breath.
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Because what you're doing is you're interrupting the pattern.
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And that's your pattern.
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That pattern is your programming.
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So if you can interrupt that and then you give a different output.
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So let's say historically, whenever my significant other has presented me with X, Y, Z, it results in this argument.
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I get defensive.
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I lock up.
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I fire back.
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At what point do we both think we're just defending and protecting ourselves?
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And so we think we're responding because of course we always think highly of ourselves, but it's also the ability to understand how we're actually showing up with this, without this biased approach, because to us, it feels so justified.
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Because we live in a society where we're so overstimulated all the time now that it's so easy to feel like everything's an attack on you.
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Everything's out to get you.
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And the reality is it's everyone's kind of just doing the best they can.
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But in order to allow yourself to perceive that, that in and of itself feels vulnerable.
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So to consider that you're not actually attacking me feels like I'm boxing you and I'm going to turn a blind eye to you for a minute.
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I can't let my finger off of that.
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So I got to be on guard all the time to ensure that you're not going to harm me or that I can protect myself in that process.
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When I'm perceiving that, your brain has this really cool mechanism in it called the reticular activating system.
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It finds whatever you tell it you're looking for.
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So if my physiology, if I'm shoulder shrugged up, if I'm closed off in front, heavy breathing,
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If I'm telling myself a story that you're probably out to get me, so I'm listening to every word that you say from this aspect of how do I react to this to get my dig in, to get my best point across to win, to not essentially die, then it doesn't matter what you say, how kind you say it, how polite you are about it.
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My brain, that reticular activating system, is going to find and manipulate the information that you're giving me to be a 100% attack, and I'm then going to feel so justified in defending myself.
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Well, you mentioned like the shrugged shoulders.
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So what happens in the body before the mind catches up?
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Yeah.
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So the easiest way I think of it is from your neck down is your subconscious mind.
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And from your neck up is your conscious mind.
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So if you think about it in terms of your body is your emotional center, your feminine energy, your long-term memory, your habits, your patterns.
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And from your neck up is your short-term memory, your masculine energy, the protecting, the
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Um, this is why we can do, we can like, maybe we're trying to change our eating habits or our physical body.
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And we have a trainer who tells us or a nutritionist who says, you're going to have to eat McDonald's every day for the last 30 years.
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You're going to have to eat this way for eight weeks before you really see results and feel a change in your system.
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Um,
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Logically, short-term, you go, yes, that makes sense.
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Then three days into the diet, the long-term memory takes over.
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This isn't how we operate.
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This isn't how we live.
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And it creates a feeling and then sends the messages to the brain.
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And then the brain goes, let's find all the reasons this diet doesn't work.
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This is...
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Yes, this isn't for us.
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So we find all the justifications and the reasons to keep ourselves from doing this thing that feels foreign to us.
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So no matter what we're trying to change in our lives, it's always going to be unfamiliar.
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So it's always going to be perceived as a threat.
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And this is why the first thing I teach people is nervous system regulation.
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I always bring this up because I look at it as like, okay, we need to be, we need to be upfront about our human nature.
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So if we're upfront about our human nature and not, you know, trapped in our heads idea of what something's going to play out, do you recommend taking it slow baby steps?
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Like, is there, how does, how should someone go about, let's say a diet change, for example?
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I don't necessarily think we need to take it slow.
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I think we need to understand the mechanisms that are happening.
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And because that's all it is.
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It's like we're saying I have to adjust myself to the mechanisms, but typically we don't understand the mechanisms.
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So we'll give ourselves an out of saying, well, three days in, it's such a struggle.
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So I guess three days in, I can ease up on this a little bit.
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But it's kind of like...
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If I understand what's happening, I just have to push through this.
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I'm reprogramming myself.
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My it's not that I actually don't want this new food.
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It's not that I can't live this way.
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It's not that this is going to be impossible.
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It's that my brain is creating a mirage in front of me, telling me this is impossible because it's actually going to keep me safe from this unfamiliar thing.
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And in that moment, if you realize.
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Because you're going to sit there and it's like, well, the broccoli is not trying to kill me, but your system is recognizing unfamiliarity.
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And your brain does not prioritize happiness, joy, anything like that.
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It's survival, energy efficiency, and pain avoidance.
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So it wants to stay in the same pattern and it doesn't rate a hierarchy of like, oh, you know what?
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This this was good, but I could be better.
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It just goes, hey, man, I know we've done this before.
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And look, we're still alive.
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Let's repeat that pattern over and over.
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So when you're trying to make a change in, say, your diet.
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If you understand that resistance that you're feeling, it's just your brain trying to cling on to what it knows.
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That's when we go, I lost my motivation.
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You didn't lose your motivation.
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You just now have the presence of old term programming popping in.
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If you understand that, it's like you can see it for what it is.
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And I always compare it to the first like tattoo I ever got hurt like hell.
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And I'm sitting there, I'm like, you know, you're like, oh my God, like how quickly can this get over?
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Yeah.
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And then before I went for my next one, I learned what the process of getting a tattoo is.
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You know, the needle's got the ink on it.
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It's going down through the dermis.
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When it pulls back out, it's leaving that ink inside.
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And from the very beginning of that ink entering your body, your immune system's trying to carry it away.
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But it's so dense, it stays there.
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The next time I got a tattoo, I didn't feel any of the pain.
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I watched it the entire time.
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And I was like, this is so cool.
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Because now I knew what was happening.
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So often, it's not that we can't actually withstand pain.
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It's not that we can't withstand discomfort or unfamiliarity.
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It's that we don't understand what's happening.
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And that lack of kind of like an endpoint makes everything feel impossible.
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Why is blame, though, so much easier than self-examination?
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because it's outward, you know, because self-preservation says I'm not wrong.
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Self-preservation says I'm right.
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And your emotion plays into all of this.
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Like the, the, the hardest thing and most, I'd say difficult thing about like an excuse is that it's legitimate to you.
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100%.
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It doesn't make zero difference.
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What kind of motivational BS you want to listen to on YouTube is.
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talking about excuses, like to you, it is so legitimate.
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And it actually doesn't even feel like an excuse.
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It feels like the absolute truth because that has been your lived experience.
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But it's also the lens that you've
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interpreted that experience through.
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And that's typically based on your past.
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So in order to say, I'm willing to experience a new future, a new experience around the same situation, whether it be relationship, your body, your health, money is a big one for people to bust through these like kind of glass ceilings we put on ourselves.
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I can't just force myself to do it because that's like forcing myself to go, man, here's this super scary house and like a haunted house.
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Just go in, just face it anyways.
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And it's like you can tough your way through it, but that doesn't actually shift the lens that you're experiencing it through.
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So all I'm encouraging people to do is go like, what if you could shift the lens that you're going to experience this whole?
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historically horrific thing through, and it no longer has to be horrific.
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What if it's intriguing?
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What if it's exciting?
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What if it's totally fine?
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What if you can rewrite what it actually is?
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Well, in order to do that, I have to clear the channel first.
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So if I know that the first thing I have to do is regulate my nervous system, then that's going to affect the lens that I'm perceiving everything through.
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Let's say I keep finding myself in the same pattern of relationships.
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That's a very big one with people I work with.
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You know, it's like, I, and I, I found myself in that over the course of, uh, from 14 to, I don't know, 14 to 38.
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When I got a divorce, I mean, I wasn't married that entire time, but relationships, um, it's, it's like, I, I, I had to step back and, you know, I'm sitting there after my divorce.
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Why does this always happen to me?
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I'm a good guy, you know, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
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And then I just stopped and I was like, well, I'm the common denominator in every single bad thing I ever experienced.
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Man, what an uncomfortable thing.
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I had to take a deep breath.
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I had to regulate myself because immediately I wanted to resist that.
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I wanted to fight that.
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I didn't want to consider that because no, look at what she said here and did here.
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And this was wrong.
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I'm not excusing that.
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I'm not saying other people's behaviors, other things aren't difficult, whatever it is.
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I can't control those things though.
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I can only control myself.
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So I have to reflect on myself.
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It was so much easier to try to blame.
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But if I continue to only blame other people, I would still be the exact same, which means I would show up into the next relationship the same way, which means I would call in the same kind of partner, which means I would create the same pattern in my life.
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I was the thing that was always gonna be with me.
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So I can focus all my time on trying to blame someone.
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But the only way I change my experiences moving forward is if I change myself.
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So when I learned how to regulate myself and look at what my pattern was, I was able to actually identify why I was kind of attracted to the kind of individual I was before.
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But I mean, you know, of course, you're bringing up the saying it's easier, you know, it's easier to say than do.
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So what what should we look at in ourselves before looking for someone to blame?
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Well, this is why they also always say you'll change when the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of change.
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Because we don't want to change.
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Like we're resistant to it.
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Remember, your brain's priority is survival, pain avoidance, and energy efficiency.
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So are we surviving?
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Are we alive?
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Yes, we're alive.
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Now, as I am alive, I want to avoid pain and discomfort as much as I possibly can.
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Well, how am I going to do that?
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If I'm experiencing any level of comfort, well, energy efficiency, pattern recognition habits, your frontal cortex, your brain takes up 5% of your body's mass, but it consumes over 25% of the calories you eat in a day.
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It does not want to have to think.
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That's why you don't want to change.
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It's not because we're weak.
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It's not because we're unknowledgeable.
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It's because your brain is literally resisting changing.
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I drove back and forth from Northern Ohio to Columbus for 13 years when I was going to school down there, plus four years before that because I was dating a girl down there.
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17 years altogether.
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10 years into that, I learned a different route about halfway through where I could take a left turn.
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It got me there 20 minutes quicker.
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There was so much less police on there, so no speeding tickets.
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Yet every time I came to that turn, I'd be like, ah, let me do that.
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And then I'd get there and I'd be like, let's just keep going straight.
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Why?
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I knew this was going to be more beneficial.
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It was going to be better for me.
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But I still like desired to go with the familiar.
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I didn't have to think.
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I just wanted to go.
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I didn't want to have to use that thought process.
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That's why whatever you repeatedly do over and over and over and over, your frontal cortex goes, let's stop thinking about this.
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Let's stop having to like be intellectual.
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Let's just pass it off to the midbrain and call it a habit.
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This is how you reprogram yourself.
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It's uncomfortable.
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I used to be 310 pounds.
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I used to eat McDonald's like it was my job.
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I like fast food was my thing.
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I'd go to Chipotle.
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I'd smash four or five burritos.
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And like, it was impressive.
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I could put away a lot of food.
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I still can't.
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I'm not like that.
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My inner fat kid is still well and good.
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But the reality is, is when I started to eat differently, it was pretty uncomfortable at first, but I just, I hated the way I felt so much more.
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So the pain of staying the same and feeling that way became greater than the discomfort of eating a different way.
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And I stuck with it long enough.
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Now that's been 14 years, 15 years ago at this point.
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I can't imagine.
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I literally can't imagine eating some of the things that I used to eat.
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And I'm not saying that from like sitting on a pedestal.
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I'm saying that from the aspect of like...
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That's just the way my body is now.
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Whereas it used to be, I couldn't imagine eating the, the, the chicken, the beef, the, the more organic foods, all the stuff that I eat now.
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Whatever you do repeatedly, it like your brain does not care.
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It's just, we're typically set up in a way that, like I said, we're programmed the first part of our lives.
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Those aren't our choices to that program.
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Like we're not consciously choosing that.
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That's no fault to anybody else.
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Yeah.
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It's just the acknowledgement that goes, all right, I'm a grown-up now.
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I understand the mechanisms.
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I can choose to reprogram myself.
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I don't have to be stuck with this life.
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I don't have to be stuck with these ways of doing things.
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And it comes down to like a very primal nature of us as a human species.
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When you understand these very innate aspects of yourself, man, like you can really affect them.
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It's like a chess game.
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But, you know, I always compare it to like...
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on a football field, like why do they have coaches up in the press box and on the field?
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Well, because in the press box, you have a totally different vantage point.
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So if I'm down in the mix all the time, which would be like not regulating myself, I'm experiencing everything.
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I'm feeling everything.
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And I'm not saying we shouldn't feel our emotions, but when our emotions and our feelings control our behavior, that's when we get into a world of hurt.
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So it's the ability to shift your perspective from being on the football field and like you can't really see everything the same way.
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Like think about everyone who's out of shape eating chips and sitting at home and they're like, oh, my God, look at you.
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Why didn't you pass the ball there?
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I could have done that.
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Of course you could.
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You have a very different perspective than the individual that's actually experiencing it.
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Same reason why you can give the most amazing relationship advice to your best friend.
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But then when you find yourself in that position, totally different.
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You justify, that's not me.
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That's not going to work with me.
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No, it's just you're uncomfortable and you have your own emotional attachment to it.
282
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283
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285
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286
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295
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When I first started dating my now wife, Margaret, I remember early on, I was reacting to her the way I was with my previous girlfriend.
296
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And she quickly kind of like said something.
297
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Because I had shared with her that dynamic.
298
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I used to have my ex-girlfriend.
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And so she was able to name it.
300
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So maybe that's a piece of the process of like, hey, by me owning my responsibility, I articulated to my present girlfriend, Margaret, at the time, right?
301
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And then she was able to then mirror back to me when I started to do it.
302
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Because that's the one thing I think about is,
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Who do you have at your side reflecting back to you these things?
304
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Because sometimes it's hard to see when you're all alone.
305
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Totally.
306
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It's, it's, it's very hard.
307
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It's like, you can't see the ingredient label when you're inside the jar, you know, and that's, and that's what it is so much.
308
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And that's why it is.
309
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It's, it's so important.
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But I think, you know, obviously for you to have been at the point where you were able to articulate what it was that you'd experienced and the way you'd responded to that before, and then on top of, for your wife to be able to reflect that to you in a caring, loving way.
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of course you guys would be together because you would have been attracted to each other because that would have been the only because you obviously did a level of work on yourself to get to the point to be able to acknowledge those patterns within yourself and this is why i'm such a believer with people they're like they're single and it's they want a relationship they want a partner so bad they crave a partner so bad that they're willing to just kind of take scraps they're willing to take whatever and the reality is is
312
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whatever you get is typically going to be a very direct reflection of your progress of wherever you're at, because it's like a CB radio.
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Whatever channel you're on, only other people on that channel are going to hear what you're saying.
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They're only going to be resonating the same.
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People outside of that channel aren't going to hear you.
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So if you're on channel 10, but you desire someone on channel 14, they're not going to hear what you're saying.
317
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You have to elevate yourself to channel 14.
318
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and change the channel and then those people.
319
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So as I do the work on myself, as I elevate myself, as I introspectively look at myself, which is again, that thing that kind of feels like, like when you shared that, that was a level of vulnerability.
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You were opening yourself up
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the possibility of this being held, I'm going to say held against you, but like put back in your face at a time where you know that if that was happening, you would feel so justified in it.
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So I imagine when she presented that back to you, there was a party that was almost like claustrophobic in your own body.
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It's like, come on, like, no, like, and then it's like, ah, this is the part.
324
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This is the actual thing that I can change right here.
325
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Yeah, a hundred percent.
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I mean, when, when she reflected it back, yeah.
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I was able to get that distance from it for a moment and go, oh yeah, she's right.
328
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Like this has nothing to do with her.
329
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This has to do with the previous person.
330
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And this is residual, you know, patterns from that.
331
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Um, I have to think though, that for someone to really do that work.
332
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We have to understand the difference.
333
00:22:22.411 --> 00:22:26.593
So what is the difference between taking responsibility and blaming yourself?
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I feel like we get so caught up on blame because it's the easiest route.
335
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It's easier to feel angry than it is to feel sad.
336
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And so it's easier to hold anger.
337
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And we don't typically hold anger towards ourselves.
338
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I mean, don't get me wrong.
339
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We'll be very self-deprecating as humans.
340
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But...
341
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It's like more than anything, when we think of anger, it gets projected outward.
342
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Usually you're doing this to me.
343
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Someone else is causing this.
344
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Why are you in that situation?
345
00:22:55.248 --> 00:22:58.330
They didn't force you into like what put you in that situation?
346
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What put you into that relationship?
347
00:22:59.891 --> 00:23:01.372
What put you into that business endeavor?
348
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At what level did, are you the one to point the finger at?
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Because every time you point a finger, you got three pointing back at you.
350
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So it's like every time you want to go, yeah, but you, and it's like, no, you made me feel this way.
351
00:23:17.504 --> 00:23:19.405
No, somebody else was a stimulus.
352
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There was something that already lived inside of you that it was there.
353
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Their behavior was reflecting that it was, it was activating that part of you because that same person can give that same response to 20 other people and you're going to get 20 different responses and you, it created this certain emotion.
354
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So they didn't make you feel this.
355
00:23:38.103 --> 00:23:39.525
It's that there was something inside of you.
356
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If you don't want to feel that instead of depending on the rest of the world to adjust the way they behave and the way they show up, which is like hoping to win the lottery to pay your rent.
357
00:23:49.157 --> 00:23:52.821
It's like, what can I do to remove this trigger altogether?
358
00:23:53.382 --> 00:23:55.925
You know, like people always say that, like you triggered me.
359
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No, you have a trigger inside of you.
360
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It's not their responsibility to not hit it.
361
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It's your responsibility to remove that trigger altogether.
362
00:24:04.692 --> 00:24:05.772
So you don't have to experience it.
363
00:24:06.333 --> 00:24:07.454
Painful things happen.
364
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Yes, people do do things to us.
365
00:24:09.835 --> 00:24:14.038
Like we experienced pain at the hands of other individuals that are outside of our control.
366
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We didn't want that.
367
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And one of the coolest there's, I mean, there's a lot of different approaches on this.
368
00:24:20.863 --> 00:24:25.967
And, and I feel like mine is one that a lot of people that are very locked onto their pain,
369
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have a tendency to want to call it invalidating or discrediting,
370
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And that's not what I'm going for at all.
371
00:24:33.813 --> 00:24:38.495
I'm not in denial that painful things happen to us, that emotional things happen to us.
372
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But what I believe is that the trauma is not the bad event that happens to us, it's the way we respond to it.
373
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It's the way that we go about coping with it.
374
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Because then that's us shifting and changing and altering ourselves.
375
00:24:51.922 --> 00:24:55.403
Yes, the stimulus came from something else, but the way we chose to handle it.
376
00:24:55.423 --> 00:24:58.605
And sometimes that literally is a means of actual survival.
377
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Yeah.
378
00:24:59.725 --> 00:25:05.868
But to then never go back and readdress that, you're just keeping that alive forever and ever and carrying on.
379
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Because at the end of the day, I can blame my father for being an abusive, alcoholic man my entire life.
380
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But I would also be the one walking around with that resentment and that anger forever.
381
00:25:19.194 --> 00:25:20.014
I love the guy now.
382
00:25:20.275 --> 00:25:21.475
I have so much appreciation for him.
383
00:25:21.555 --> 00:25:23.036
I shifted my perspective on him.
384
00:25:23.576 --> 00:25:38.284
without his contrast of what I don't want to be, I wouldn't have such a love and appreciation for my mom of like, what an amazing woman she is and everything I do want to be in terms of the way she treats people and handles things and shows up in the world and is so giving and loving while also holding boundaries for herself.
385
00:25:38.845 --> 00:25:40.005
It would have just been.
386
00:25:40.446 --> 00:25:47.209
So I think the easiest way to look at responsibility instead of blame is
387
00:25:48.230 --> 00:25:55.956
would be to learn how to have gratitude for the people that you believe hurt you, which is difficult for a lot of people.
388
00:25:56.096 --> 00:25:58.038
And it's like, I don't want to give them any credit for anything.
389
00:25:58.498 --> 00:25:59.159
You have to.
390
00:25:59.579 --> 00:26:01.361
Nobody changes when things are good.
391
00:26:01.961 --> 00:26:07.846
Nobody was ever been in a relationship where they're like, I just want to suddenly get an even better body.
392
00:26:08.026 --> 00:26:09.367
It was that heartbreak.
393
00:26:09.547 --> 00:26:10.148
It was that breakup.
394
00:26:10.168 --> 00:26:11.189
It was getting cheated on.
395
00:26:11.689 --> 00:26:14.111
That drove you to go, I want to better myself.
396
00:26:14.271 --> 00:26:14.891
I don't like this.
397
00:26:14.951 --> 00:26:16.272
I'm going to live in a different way.
398
00:26:16.613 --> 00:26:17.774
I don't want to experience this again.
399
00:26:17.874 --> 00:26:19.335
Pain is one of those beautiful portals.
400
00:26:19.795 --> 00:26:21.316
So anyone who's brought pain into our lives.
401
00:26:21.396 --> 00:26:21.676
Yes.
402
00:26:21.937 --> 00:26:24.418
I'm not saying let them back into your life.
403
00:26:24.519 --> 00:26:27.120
I'm saying learn to have an appreciation for that.
404
00:26:28.021 --> 00:26:31.725
Because if everything was just sunshines and rainbows, like you wouldn't change, you wouldn't evolve.
405
00:26:31.845 --> 00:26:36.810
You would have no reason to your, your, your system literally does not recognize any reason to evolve.
406
00:26:37.331 --> 00:26:41.855
It's like, if you go into the gym and you lift the same way every single day, you're not going to change.
407
00:26:42.856 --> 00:26:46.420
And it's like, you have to force your body to a point of failure.
408
00:26:46.780 --> 00:26:48.162
So it goes, we have to adapt.
409
00:26:48.342 --> 00:26:49.163
We have to shift.
410
00:26:50.537 --> 00:26:51.357
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411
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412
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413
00:27:01.341 --> 00:27:05.643
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414
00:27:05.823 --> 00:27:08.624
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415
00:27:08.945 --> 00:27:15.007
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416
00:27:15.167 --> 00:27:20.859
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417
00:27:20.999 --> 00:27:23.945
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418
00:27:24.325 --> 00:27:25.027
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419
00:27:26.987 --> 00:27:30.549
There's different, or at least I think there's different degrees of blame, right?
420
00:27:30.609 --> 00:27:35.532
So there's the blame of like, I don't want to take responsibility.
421
00:27:36.192 --> 00:27:46.999
I think there's another side of blame, which is I'm scared to feel the unknown, or I'm scared to really not know why this happened.
422
00:27:47.059 --> 00:27:48.720
So I have to look for a reason.
423
00:27:49.200 --> 00:27:51.301
Do you see those as different, similar?
424
00:27:52.102 --> 00:27:57.325
And I'll preface this with that I get caught up in looking for
425
00:27:58.994 --> 00:28:02.778
a reason for why X happened, which is a form of blame, right?
426
00:28:02.858 --> 00:28:13.309
I'm looking for something to lob onto as to why we're either in this situation or that person is in that situation so that I have, well, I don't even know really why.
427
00:28:13.410 --> 00:28:14.431
I don't know if it's learned.
428
00:28:14.531 --> 00:28:17.934
I don't know if it's because I just, it's a form of control.
429
00:28:17.954 --> 00:28:18.735
I don't know.
430
00:28:18.815 --> 00:28:20.677
But how, how would you look at that?
431
00:28:21.478 --> 00:28:35.433
So I think while I position a lot of things around relationships, like typically intimate relationships, friendships, family relationships, whatever it is, I base it around relationships because what I work with people on is the relationship they have with themselves.
432
00:28:36.153 --> 00:28:40.218
The relationships you have outside of you is a direct reflection of the relationship you have with yourself.
433
00:28:41.419 --> 00:28:46.003
I think trust is a beautiful example of this.
434
00:28:46.603 --> 00:28:49.066
I don't trust anyone because you don't trust yourself.
435
00:28:49.606 --> 00:28:51.768
Well, I have to trust you in order to get to this point.
436
00:28:51.948 --> 00:28:54.270
Yeah, you're outsourcing your trust.
437
00:28:55.011 --> 00:28:57.814
And people go, well, but this person broke my trust.
438
00:28:58.354 --> 00:29:02.357
They might've broken your trust, but you can't really tell me they cheated on me.
439
00:29:02.437 --> 00:29:06.399
You can't tell me that them cheating on you was your first sign of a red flag.
440
00:29:06.820 --> 00:29:08.141
You ignored the red flags.
441
00:29:08.201 --> 00:29:10.182
You turned a blind eye to a lot of things.
442
00:29:10.242 --> 00:29:11.623
You took on that business endeavor.
443
00:29:11.663 --> 00:29:12.964
You signed that contract.
444
00:29:13.044 --> 00:29:13.904
You did this thing.
445
00:29:14.325 --> 00:29:15.545
You bargained.
446
00:29:15.766 --> 00:29:17.267
You bargained with your soul.
447
00:29:17.527 --> 00:29:21.569
You said, I will, I don't like the way you behave.
448
00:29:21.589 --> 00:29:27.033
I, I, this is a red flag to me, but God, I want love and acceptance so much that
449
00:29:27.193 --> 00:29:31.018
And I can only find that outside of me that I'm going to give this to you.
450
00:29:31.118 --> 00:29:34.323
And I'm trusting that we have this transaction.
451
00:29:34.343 --> 00:29:36.506
And a lot of times these things aren't spoken about.
452
00:29:37.447 --> 00:29:41.613
And unexpressed expectations are premeditated resentments.
453
00:29:41.953 --> 00:29:44.016
And then we just hold on to those resentments for so long.
454
00:29:44.877 --> 00:29:47.698
And the reality is, is that we are creating the expectation in our head.
455
00:29:47.898 --> 00:29:52.619
We're like creating this contract that we assume we're both signing and the other individuals not signing it.
456
00:29:52.659 --> 00:29:58.221
So I felt that too, like after, especially after my divorce, I'm like, I'm never going to trust anyone.
457
00:29:58.261 --> 00:30:01.982
Like I gave her everything I trusted that this was going to be.
458
00:30:02.142 --> 00:30:06.403
And what I came to realize is I outsourced that a long time ago.
459
00:30:07.003 --> 00:30:09.284
You know, I gave it away and it's because I didn't trust myself.
460
00:30:09.304 --> 00:30:12.065
There were so many things that told me that this isn't right.
461
00:30:12.165 --> 00:30:12.945
And I ignored them.
462
00:30:13.825 --> 00:30:15.887
And so it wasn't other people that I didn't trust.
463
00:30:15.947 --> 00:30:18.188
It was myself that I didn't trust because I didn't choose me.
464
00:30:19.049 --> 00:30:23.172
And your entire, your body and your brain are a self-preservation mechanism.
465
00:30:23.552 --> 00:30:28.836
They like you, it, it wants you to choose you.
466
00:30:29.416 --> 00:30:33.159
For example, when you choose to get eight hours of sleep,
467
00:30:34.103 --> 00:30:36.144
It's not just that you're getting that eight hours of sleep.
468
00:30:36.244 --> 00:30:41.006
It's that your body system can relax and it goes, oh God, you are going to actually give us what we need.
469
00:30:41.206 --> 00:30:41.566
Cool.
470
00:30:42.146 --> 00:30:44.407
Now my other systems and mechanisms can fire.
471
00:30:44.427 --> 00:30:47.709
Uh, I can, I can sleep adequately.
472
00:30:47.749 --> 00:30:51.370
Like you will never outperform or outwork your body or brain.
473
00:30:51.830 --> 00:30:52.351
You just won't.
474
00:30:52.451 --> 00:30:54.131
When people are like, God, be stronger than your thought.
475
00:30:54.832 --> 00:30:57.273
No, like that's literally not a thing.
476
00:30:57.313 --> 00:31:00.394
Can does, is something telling you like, maybe I want to stop when I'm running a marathon?
477
00:31:00.634 --> 00:31:00.934
Sure.
478
00:31:01.034 --> 00:31:02.575
And I can mentally push through that.
479
00:31:03.510 --> 00:31:07.091
But what I'm talking about is way beyond that.
480
00:31:07.331 --> 00:31:09.111
It's that I'm gonna outdo this.
481
00:31:09.171 --> 00:31:15.693
Like I'm gonna starve myself because I'm going on a vacation in six weeks and I wanna look really good in my Instagram photo.
482
00:31:16.273 --> 00:31:20.954
Your body gives zero shits about your Instagram selfie that you wanna take.
483
00:31:21.175 --> 00:31:22.375
It's going, we wanna stay alive.
484
00:31:23.255 --> 00:31:24.316
So you will never outwork it.
485
00:31:24.336 --> 00:31:27.038
But when you give your body and brain what it needs, it gives you what you want.
486
00:31:27.399 --> 00:31:39.129
So as I learned to trust myself and I prove that not just through these, not through like affirmations to myself, but legitimately actions and learned results that I show myself in life.
487
00:31:39.449 --> 00:31:42.252
When something doesn't feel right, I don't just go along with it.
488
00:31:42.352 --> 00:31:46.075
I've walked away from many, many lucrative business endeavors throughout my life.
489
00:31:46.575 --> 00:31:47.756
because it did not feel aligned.
490
00:31:47.856 --> 00:31:53.619
And every time I walked away, it, there was that aspect where it's like, Oh man, that's a large amount of money I'm walking away from.
491
00:31:54.139 --> 00:31:56.840
But internally it's like, man, I got me no matter what.
492
00:31:56.880 --> 00:31:59.121
Like I had such a different level of trust for me.
493
00:31:59.201 --> 00:32:01.222
And I felt so much, like, I don't even know how to say it.
494
00:32:01.242 --> 00:32:04.704
It's like when Popeye eats his spinach, it's like something just fulfilled me from the inside out.
495
00:32:04.724 --> 00:32:06.285
And I was like, I can do anything.
496
00:32:07.786 --> 00:32:09.667
And it's an interesting example though.
497
00:32:09.707 --> 00:32:14.349
Cause do you think fear of being left out shapes what we believe?
498
00:32:15.706 --> 00:32:21.149
100% because of tribalism, because it comes back, I think it comes back to that primal idea of survival.
499
00:32:21.789 --> 00:32:30.254
So many people would rather be wrong in a group than to take the chance of standing in alignment alone.
500
00:32:31.335 --> 00:32:39.279
And it's like, and it goes back to that idea, like, I'd rather be loved for who, or I'd rather be hated for who I am than love for who I'm not.
501
00:32:40.400 --> 00:32:43.281
And it's like, so many of us feel like we lack purpose.
502
00:32:43.921 --> 00:32:44.262
We...
503
00:32:45.142 --> 00:32:46.163
live lives.
504
00:32:46.243 --> 00:32:50.166
We do jobs, careers for 10, 20, 30 years.
505
00:32:51.187 --> 00:32:53.449
Way to wake up one day and go, man, this isn't my life.
506
00:32:53.609 --> 00:32:54.790
I don't enjoy this.
507
00:32:55.091 --> 00:32:55.791
And we're angry.
508
00:32:55.851 --> 00:32:56.992
We're angry individuals.
509
00:32:57.753 --> 00:32:59.154
And anger is a secondary emotion.
510
00:32:59.754 --> 00:33:02.076
It comes from the pain of confusion.
511
00:33:02.377 --> 00:33:05.960
And that stems from when your reality does not meet your expectation.
512
00:33:06.740 --> 00:33:19.248
So if I'm expecting to have this happy, joyful life, but I'm living literally in every way for other people's approval, acceptance, love, whatever it is, like I'm literally not living my life.
513
00:33:19.409 --> 00:33:23.951
I'm living a perceived assumption of what my life should be from a collective.
514
00:33:23.971 --> 00:33:24.952
And I'm gonna go, who gave you that?
515
00:33:25.012 --> 00:33:25.492
And it's like.
516
00:33:26.733 --> 00:33:27.134
I don't know.
517
00:33:27.234 --> 00:33:28.676
Like they can't name anybody.
518
00:33:28.716 --> 00:33:31.619
Like when people are afraid of, let's say, posting on social media.
519
00:33:32.380 --> 00:33:34.523
Well, I'm just nervous of what people are going to say.
520
00:33:34.543 --> 00:33:35.764
Okay, what are their names?
521
00:33:36.084 --> 00:33:36.485
Who are they?
522
00:33:37.806 --> 00:33:38.147
I don't know.
523
00:33:38.167 --> 00:33:42.111
It's like this collective pain point that we just assume the sense of rejection from the tribe.
524
00:33:42.812 --> 00:33:45.013
The tribe just being other people in general.
525
00:33:45.433 --> 00:33:55.938
And that's the crazy thing is when you realize your brain is prying to move away from pain before it is to move towards pleasure, you're always going to focus on the people you're going to lose in your life before the people you're going to gain.
526
00:33:56.078 --> 00:33:59.440
So I always tell people, I'm like, dude, your tribe is out there.
527
00:33:59.700 --> 00:34:03.922
You're surrounded by all these people right now that don't feel in alignment with you.
528
00:34:03.962 --> 00:34:06.183
You don't feel like you guys have a lot in common or get along.
529
00:34:07.616 --> 00:34:18.050
And you are so afraid of losing them because your brain is primed to focus on not losing those people before it goes, man, if I lose these people and I actually behave in this way, like I have a whole group of people that would love me for me.
530
00:34:18.791 --> 00:34:22.096
I'm more focused on the people I'm going to lose as opposed to what I'm going to gain from it.
531
00:34:23.991 --> 00:34:28.876
we kind of mentioned this at the top, like how we're exposed to these opinions.
532
00:34:29.116 --> 00:34:35.982
I mean, thousands of opinions we would never have ever in ancestral history been exposed to.
533
00:34:36.062 --> 00:34:36.283
Right.
534
00:34:37.203 --> 00:34:44.030
I even think of like occurrences, like something could happen on the West coast and here I am on the East coast and I'm hearing about it in real time.
535
00:34:44.050 --> 00:34:47.133
But had, had I been, you know, in ancestral times, um,
536
00:34:47.573 --> 00:34:51.535
I would have heard about it five years after a fire or something, right?
537
00:34:51.775 --> 00:34:55.456
And it would have been through clans coming together or groups coming together.
538
00:34:55.476 --> 00:35:00.238
And it's told as a story versus like a real-time kind of trauma experience.
539
00:35:00.498 --> 00:35:04.020
So I feel like our nervous systems are being exposed to
540
00:35:04.780 --> 00:35:10.526
In modern times in ways that they biologically weren't developed to deal with.
541
00:35:10.646 --> 00:35:19.214
So how are there tools to support us in these modern times with this massive nervous system overload?
542
00:35:19.959 --> 00:35:20.359
Yeah, man.
543
00:35:20.679 --> 00:35:31.346
That, and that's exactly what I work with because more than anything is think of the analogy of when people go skiing through the woods, they tell you to focus on the, the, the path that you want to be on.
544
00:35:31.467 --> 00:35:34.969
Don't focus on the trees that you want to avoid because we're all afraid we're going to hit a tree.
545
00:35:35.829 --> 00:35:37.250
And, but what do we do?
546
00:35:37.270 --> 00:35:40.713
We naturally think if I can see the threat, it can't get me.
547
00:35:41.073 --> 00:35:45.336
But where your attention goes, your energy flows literally where your head eyes go, your body follows.
548
00:35:45.356 --> 00:35:45.716
Yeah.
549
00:35:45.956 --> 00:35:53.061
So I'm looking at all the trees that I'm afraid of hitting and boom, I ended up hitting a tree because as I'm looking at this tree, I don't see this tree.
550
00:35:53.762 --> 00:35:55.523
The point isn't how many trees can I see at once?
551
00:35:55.703 --> 00:35:57.144
Where do you want to go in life?
552
00:35:57.724 --> 00:36:00.126
And that's the thing is when you ask, but what do you want in life?
553
00:36:00.566 --> 00:36:02.708
They can't, they struggle really bad to tell you what they want.
554
00:36:02.748 --> 00:36:04.769
They, they can acknowledge what they don't want.
555
00:36:04.829 --> 00:36:07.191
They can acknowledge the pain that they don't want to experience anymore.
556
00:36:07.251 --> 00:36:10.974
The feelings that they don't want to have, but that doesn't give you a target to aim for.
557
00:36:10.994 --> 00:36:12.395
Um, so yeah.
558
00:36:14.913 --> 00:36:25.758
When we're constantly inundated with social media and, and so dude, every time you scroll, that's dopamine and, and you'll sit there and people will talk about people with substance abuse addictions.
559
00:36:26.478 --> 00:36:30.179
If you can't get up, if you get up in the morning, the first thing you have to do is check your phone.
560
00:36:30.940 --> 00:36:34.661
You might have an addiction and you can't walk room to room or you can't go to the bath.
561
00:36:34.901 --> 00:36:38.063
Like how many often do people go in and their legs go numb sitting on the toilet?
562
00:36:38.123 --> 00:36:39.864
Because they're not just going to the bathroom.
563
00:36:39.884 --> 00:36:43.165
They're sitting there and they're scrolling and scrolling and reading and catching up on everything.
564
00:36:44.790 --> 00:36:48.112
And you'll go, well, that's because that's my only time to myself.
565
00:36:48.132 --> 00:36:51.993
So you're telling me that that's the only time you have a sense of calm in your life?
566
00:36:52.193 --> 00:36:53.654
Of course, you're going to be inundated.
567
00:36:53.834 --> 00:37:05.459
When your sympathetic nervous system kicks in, your excretory system shuts off, your digestive system shuts off, your reproduction system shuts off, your immune system downregulates, and everyone's sick.
568
00:37:05.759 --> 00:37:06.660
We have no sex drive.
569
00:37:06.940 --> 00:37:08.301
Everyone's like, I can't poop.
570
00:37:08.821 --> 00:37:13.363
And it's like, look, that's because we are constantly living at this elevated state.
571
00:37:14.803 --> 00:37:17.487
And yet we wake up every day and we go, man, I need it.
572
00:37:18.047 --> 00:37:19.269
It's just, it's the same thing as that.
573
00:37:19.649 --> 00:37:22.012
I have to check in with the things that I know to be.
574
00:37:22.473 --> 00:37:24.175
And you've programmed yourself so often.
575
00:37:24.215 --> 00:37:25.597
You've hidden it behind nobility.
576
00:37:25.737 --> 00:37:28.701
I checked my phone first thing in the morning to make sure my clients don't need anything.
577
00:37:28.721 --> 00:37:30.283
My boss doesn't need anything, whatever.
578
00:37:30.343 --> 00:37:31.504
My family's okay.
579
00:37:32.285 --> 00:37:38.168
But all you're doing in those first 20 minutes of your wake and your brain operating in theta and you're so that's programming.
580
00:37:38.188 --> 00:37:40.970
That's what we have from conception until seven, eight years old.
581
00:37:40.990 --> 00:37:50.155
When we actually get logical thinking like like you're programming yourself to say I'm indebted to have to serve everybody else before I ever take care of myself.
582
00:37:50.955 --> 00:37:57.559
And this is where I say, like, the best thing you can do is be selfish before you try to be selfless, because being selfish and filling your cup
583
00:37:58.526 --> 00:38:00.547
is the ability to then go out and give to people still.
584
00:38:00.587 --> 00:38:04.789
I'm not saying be a selfish individual and like knock over the old lady at the grocery store and take the last box of cereal.
585
00:38:04.869 --> 00:38:14.673
I'm saying be selfish enough to give to yourself that when you show up to give to others, it's coming from a place of overflow as opposed to a place of transaction.
586
00:38:15.074 --> 00:38:15.874
And that's what we all do.
587
00:38:16.434 --> 00:38:19.155
I'll give to you, but I'm expecting you to give back to me.
588
00:38:19.276 --> 00:38:21.917
Look, I show up for my friends, but nobody shows up for me.
589
00:38:22.637 --> 00:38:25.719
Well, you're showing up for them, expecting them to do something back for you.
590
00:38:25.779 --> 00:38:31.523
And yeah, of course you want these to be reciprocated, but what if your expectations could actually become the boundaries that you have in your life?
591
00:38:32.244 --> 00:38:34.506
You know, this is what my expectation of a friendship is.
592
00:38:34.606 --> 00:38:37.087
I'm going to show up because this is the kind of person that I am.
593
00:38:37.508 --> 00:38:43.112
I don't care how they respond, but if I experience over and over them not showing up for me, cool, that's a boundary.
594
00:38:43.192 --> 00:38:46.174
I don't feel like maybe you're someone I'm going to give that same kind of energy to.
595
00:38:46.614 --> 00:38:47.655
I'm not resentful towards you.
596
00:38:47.715 --> 00:38:48.496
You're your own person.
597
00:38:49.445 --> 00:38:54.547
Boundary meaning like, well, then maybe that's a friend you don't want to have in a sense, right?
598
00:38:54.827 --> 00:38:54.987
Yeah.
599
00:38:55.107 --> 00:39:02.589
Like you start to redefine as you show up and you're not expecting your being the friend that you want.
600
00:39:02.769 --> 00:39:07.331
And if that person doesn't show event, you know, over time doesn't show up that way, you start looking for people that do.
601
00:39:08.051 --> 00:39:09.273
Like I said, you love them all the same.
602
00:39:09.393 --> 00:39:10.955
Nothing exists without its contrast.
603
00:39:11.395 --> 00:39:23.891
Like if you didn't have the pain in your life, you wouldn't like if you didn't experience the heartache and the bad relationships, the way you were raised that we can all have a level of complaining about to some degree, whatever it is.
604
00:39:24.592 --> 00:39:26.994
You would not appreciate the beautiful things in your life.
605
00:39:27.034 --> 00:39:32.818
You wouldn't appreciate the friendships that you do have that you truly value and treasure because you would have no sense of it.
606
00:39:33.219 --> 00:39:38.282
Like when I used to work, I would do two weeks in San Diego, one week back in Ohio.
607
00:39:38.583 --> 00:39:42.445
And anyone who knows Southern Cal is like the weather is absolutely beautiful all the time.
608
00:39:42.986 --> 00:39:46.248
So I would get out there from Ohio and I'd be like, oh, my God, this is absolutely amazing.
609
00:39:46.408 --> 00:39:51.072
And two weeks later, by the time I'm going home, I didn't even think about it until I got back to that really cold weather.
610
00:39:51.112 --> 00:39:53.354
I'm like, oh, my God, I want that again so much.
611
00:39:53.934 --> 00:39:55.054
I'd go back out after a week.
612
00:39:55.074 --> 00:39:56.795
I'm like, oh my God, this is amazing.
613
00:39:57.435 --> 00:39:58.695
And that's just what I was surrounded with.
614
00:39:58.735 --> 00:39:59.456
And I got used to it.
615
00:39:59.656 --> 00:40:00.916
So I didn't appreciate it.
616
00:40:01.476 --> 00:40:05.297
So it's like, I had to have the contrast to be like, I love this so much.
617
00:40:05.737 --> 00:40:08.278
So if you have anything in your life where you're like, man, I'm proud of this.
618
00:40:08.338 --> 00:40:08.858
I enjoy this.
619
00:40:08.938 --> 00:40:09.439
I love this.
620
00:40:09.579 --> 00:40:12.439
Even the trajectory I'm on, maybe I don't have things that I want yet.
621
00:40:12.499 --> 00:40:21.202
And that's the, another thing is we live in a time right now where we, we see social media all the time and we go, man, if I had with this person had, I
622
00:40:21.782 --> 00:40:22.903
I wouldn't have my problems.
623
00:40:22.923 --> 00:40:23.624
That's not true.
624
00:40:24.145 --> 00:40:24.925
Not at all.
625
00:40:25.066 --> 00:40:29.110
First of all, you see like 5% of somebody else's life on social media and you fill in the other 95%.
626
00:40:29.170 --> 00:40:31.031
You go, oh, they're so perfect.
627
00:40:31.612 --> 00:40:35.075
And trust me, from the endeavors I've done throughout my life, I've met a lot of these people.
628
00:40:35.095 --> 00:40:35.656
I've interacted.
629
00:40:35.696 --> 00:40:36.877
I've worked with a lot of these people.
630
00:40:36.937 --> 00:40:41.362
Some of the people that seem the happiest, the most fulfilled, the richest are the most broken and the most poor.
631
00:40:42.182 --> 00:40:50.369
And I see people who have maybe just normal paying jobs, not any huge sense of notoriety, not a ton of millions of followers.
632
00:40:50.909 --> 00:40:54.152
And man, dude, they live the most beautiful, joyful, fulfilled lives.
633
00:40:55.412 --> 00:41:01.517
And it's comes down to that idea of like, am I fulfilling myself or am I trying to fulfill others?
634
00:41:01.677 --> 00:41:03.799
And I think that's what's going to make me feel fulfilled.
635
00:41:05.228 --> 00:41:05.508
Okay.
636
00:41:05.528 --> 00:41:10.132
So someone listening realizes they've been living mostly on reaction.
637
00:41:10.292 --> 00:41:13.435
So what's an immediate step they can take to start choosing differently?
638
00:41:13.455 --> 00:41:14.436
Cool.
639
00:41:14.736 --> 00:41:27.867
So in that moment, there's, there's really, there's three steps that, and it's, it's like this to remember that emotions, your reactions, call them emotions because you're reacting based on emotion and
640
00:41:28.387 --> 00:41:52.248
happen in 90 second cycles so if uh let's say i'm in an interaction with uh let's say a significant other or someone who's it's conflict if as soon as you catch yourself like you can feel that sense in your body and i always see it like a thermometer like in an old school cartoon where like your head the bulb at the top or like the the mercury is going up and then it just as explodes but you can feel that
641
00:41:53.613 --> 00:42:01.959
When you start noticing that feeling in your body, you have about 10 seconds from the moment you start to trigger to the point where your system actually kicks in.
642
00:42:02.079 --> 00:42:06.903
And for women, once you're activated, it can stay active for up to 24 hours and men up to nine hours.
643
00:42:07.423 --> 00:42:10.506
This is why a man or a woman can get into an argument, go to bed, wake up the next day.
644
00:42:10.866 --> 00:42:12.167
And the guy's like, how's everything going?
645
00:42:12.187 --> 00:42:13.568
And the woman's like, I'm going to kill you.
646
00:42:13.588 --> 00:42:16.230
Like, because like, why are you still so hung up on it?
647
00:42:16.250 --> 00:42:20.774
Because her system is literally still perceiving the threat, whereas yours has reset as the man.
648
00:42:21.614 --> 00:42:24.895
So let's just both agree that we don't want that shit at all.
649
00:42:25.275 --> 00:42:26.035
And that's the thing.
650
00:42:27.376 --> 00:42:30.557
You have to just say, like, every time I do this, I experience the same thing.
651
00:42:30.617 --> 00:42:32.057
So I want to experience this difference.
652
00:42:32.097 --> 00:42:39.999
So first thing I can do is open my body up because I'm physiologically the way I hold my body, shrugging my shoulders, closing off in front.
653
00:42:40.299 --> 00:42:41.040
This is primal.
654
00:42:41.100 --> 00:42:43.400
Like you don't go, oh, my organs are all right here.
655
00:42:43.440 --> 00:42:45.201
Let me protect myself from that.
656
00:42:45.961 --> 00:42:56.688
My husband, my wife, my kids, my friend who's pissing me off right now, this person online, we're closed off, which is sensing to our body going, man, like I have to protect myself.
657
00:42:56.708 --> 00:43:00.090
Think of a boxer, the way the boxer stands, tucks everything in, protects himself.
658
00:43:00.170 --> 00:43:01.131
We shrug our shoulders.
659
00:43:01.991 --> 00:43:03.693
Open your body up, lower the shoulders.
660
00:43:04.393 --> 00:43:06.374
So think breath, inhale.
661
00:43:06.394 --> 00:43:06.674
Breathe.
662
00:43:08.237 --> 00:43:09.058
Fill that belly up.
663
00:43:09.198 --> 00:43:16.727
If you can do a belly breath where you truly extend your belly and you don't shortchange it, you just nice big belly breath, exhale through the mouth.
664
00:43:18.209 --> 00:43:19.931
That's going to do wonders for you as it is.
665
00:43:20.812 --> 00:43:23.035
As you continue breathing like that, let the shoulders drop.
666
00:43:23.355 --> 00:43:24.396
Let the belly soften.
667
00:43:25.368 --> 00:43:29.030
then orientate yourself to the room.
668
00:43:29.350 --> 00:43:34.912
So that is orientation is the number one way that your system recognizes I'm safe.
669
00:43:35.433 --> 00:43:39.074
Because if there's a threat in front of me, I'm hyper, I'm tunnel vision on it.
670
00:43:39.674 --> 00:43:42.556
But if I can take a breath, I'm safe.
671
00:43:42.836 --> 00:43:44.397
If my body's open up, I'm safe.
672
00:43:44.537 --> 00:43:49.619
And if I'm looking around the room and I'm just naming things in my head, light switch, light, camera.
673
00:43:51.025 --> 00:43:55.287
light door, and you're actually focusing on these things.
674
00:43:55.628 --> 00:43:57.949
Your system is not focusing on the threat.
675
00:43:57.989 --> 00:44:04.853
You're giving yourself this window and you can choose to do this, do this for about 90 seconds and that emotion will pass.
676
00:44:05.413 --> 00:44:06.654
And this is the part you always run into.
677
00:44:06.694 --> 00:44:10.696
So what I'm going to be in the middle of an argument with my significant other.
678
00:44:10.716 --> 00:44:12.437
And I'm just gonna be like, all right, give me 90 seconds.
679
00:44:13.338 --> 00:44:13.618
Yeah.
680
00:44:14.036 --> 00:44:14.937
What's the alternative?
681
00:44:14.957 --> 00:44:17.160
You're going to experience the same thing over and over and over.
682
00:44:17.921 --> 00:44:18.462
Walk away.
683
00:44:18.502 --> 00:44:20.524
And if they want to keep going at it, walk away.
684
00:44:20.604 --> 00:44:21.766
Well, that's going to cause problems too.
685
00:44:21.806 --> 00:44:23.328
Yeah, but that's going to be a problem.
686
00:44:23.348 --> 00:44:28.794
You're also going to be able to handle from a grounded embodied place as opposed to this reactionary place.
687
00:44:29.493 --> 00:44:31.375
You do this over and over and over.
688
00:44:31.415 --> 00:44:36.499
The more often you choose this, like we said in the beginning, whatever you repeatedly do, your brain doesn't care what it is.
689
00:44:37.079 --> 00:44:44.486
It stops reacting and it goes, we used to do this, but this new program that we have, we're obviously doing that more often.
690
00:44:44.506 --> 00:44:46.427
So it implements that as the new program.
691
00:44:47.548 --> 00:44:52.832
So it can be the same stimulus and whatever I've chosen to do over and over and over, that will now take its place.
692
00:44:53.012 --> 00:44:56.355
So you will get to the point where you choose to regulate and breathe.
693
00:44:56.955 --> 00:44:58.397
And in the beginning, it's like anything else.
694
00:44:58.437 --> 00:44:59.637
It's very complicated.
695
00:44:59.858 --> 00:45:00.538
It's like it is.
696
00:45:00.598 --> 00:45:01.599
It's a little frustrating.
697
00:45:01.639 --> 00:45:02.340
It feels tedious.
698
00:45:02.360 --> 00:45:02.900
But.
699
00:45:03.000 --> 00:45:06.543
So I got to stop and I got to breathe because it feels against everything that you want to do.
700
00:45:06.744 --> 00:45:07.784
We want to get defensive.
701
00:45:07.805 --> 00:45:13.410
We want to put our dukes up and like get ready to fight someone and fire back and say the thing that's going to cut them the way we feel.
702
00:45:14.170 --> 00:45:15.932
But it's, you got to realize it's a mirage.
703
00:45:16.232 --> 00:45:18.995
The pain you're experiencing is a mirage that you're interpreting.
704
00:45:19.555 --> 00:45:20.656
You are the one interpreting that.
705
00:45:21.117 --> 00:45:21.877
Very relevant.
706
00:45:21.897 --> 00:45:23.939
Whatever they're saying, it's actually irrelevant.
707
00:45:23.959 --> 00:45:26.301
And I'm not dismissing what's happening.
708
00:45:27.322 --> 00:45:29.343
But take them away altogether.
709
00:45:29.363 --> 00:45:32.224
And let's just say it's a business situation.
710
00:45:33.204 --> 00:45:35.925
Keep yourself regulated and you can make level-headed thoughts.
711
00:45:35.965 --> 00:45:37.905
You can come up with creative solutions to it.
712
00:45:38.786 --> 00:45:45.448
And for anyone that wants to be like, well, how should I just dismiss it when somebody else does this to me?
713
00:45:45.988 --> 00:45:54.850
And I always think about the story about the guy that's out in a boat in the middle of a lake and he sees another boat approaching him and he's up on deck and he's saying, stop, stop, stop, whatever.
714
00:45:55.090 --> 00:45:58.611
And eventually the boat keeps going in and hits him and he's pissed off.
715
00:45:58.651 --> 00:46:00.532
He's angry and he's yelling at the other captain.
716
00:46:00.552 --> 00:46:02.152
Like, how could you possibly do this?
717
00:46:02.832 --> 00:46:05.913
Only to step over the edge of the deck and realize there's nobody in the other boat.
718
00:46:06.753 --> 00:46:11.116
The same amount of damage is done to his, but he doesn't have anyone to direct it towards.
719
00:46:11.576 --> 00:46:14.438
Now his brain just goes into, okay, how am I going to fix my boat?
720
00:46:15.539 --> 00:46:19.462
And it's like, we're always looking for an enemy to channel our anger towards.
721
00:46:20.282 --> 00:46:24.105
And if there isn't an enemy there, now we're forced to actually create solutions.
722
00:46:24.505 --> 00:46:27.447
So you can replicate this by saying there is no enemy.
723
00:46:27.688 --> 00:46:29.189
Like this person is not an enemy.
724
00:46:29.209 --> 00:46:29.549
Yeah.
725
00:46:30.349 --> 00:46:33.412
And it's just an old primal strategy to protect yourself.
726
00:46:33.532 --> 00:46:34.993
It's running on an old program.
727
00:46:35.353 --> 00:46:40.437
And the more you want to sit there and defend it and go, no, this person is saying these very hurtful things.
728
00:46:41.157 --> 00:46:42.358
They're speaking words.
729
00:46:42.378 --> 00:46:43.499
They're saying things.
730
00:46:44.219 --> 00:46:46.601
That's very different than being harmful words.
731
00:46:47.001 --> 00:46:47.742
They're just speaking.
732
00:46:48.602 --> 00:46:50.504
You're interpreting them as harmful words.
733
00:46:50.624 --> 00:46:51.364
It's your interpretation.
734
00:46:51.384 --> 00:46:52.525
Your interpretation is everything.
735
00:46:52.745 --> 00:46:56.428
Your perception creates your reality, create whatever reality you want.
736
00:46:57.875 --> 00:46:59.017
I love that, Grant.
737
00:46:59.057 --> 00:47:00.039
That's really powerful.
738
00:47:01.402 --> 00:47:07.974
It makes me think as well, because you mentioned, of course, the perspective shift, right?
739
00:47:09.313 --> 00:47:13.896
the things that you can take ownership of, kind of the intentional breathing or conscious breathing.
740
00:47:14.697 --> 00:47:25.264
But it makes me think also something I tell people when their cravings are really intense and they're in their kitchen and they're thinking about eating some kind of junk food that they really don't want to eat.
741
00:47:25.844 --> 00:47:28.366
I'm like, don't beat yourself up.
742
00:47:28.426 --> 00:47:32.509
Just literally go for a walk and change the environment, like literally change the stimulus.
743
00:47:33.229 --> 00:47:36.532
And to your point, you suddenly don't have the...
744
00:47:37.032 --> 00:47:39.273
craving or whatever, the stimulus isn't there.
745
00:47:39.373 --> 00:47:41.714
So it's like, it's, you move on to something else.
746
00:47:42.714 --> 00:47:44.754
Well, and I think that's such a huge point.
747
00:47:44.875 --> 00:47:49.336
And I've experienced that myself a lot of times, like you end up with some sort of craving at night for some sort of food.
748
00:47:50.376 --> 00:47:52.077
And what have you always done throughout your life?
749
00:47:52.357 --> 00:47:55.618
You've probably gone to the fridge and you've gotten it, or you fulfilled it somehow.
750
00:47:56.458 --> 00:48:00.580
And it's like, what if you did something else and you let that feeling pass?
751
00:48:00.600 --> 00:48:01.920
Yeah.
752
00:48:02.100 --> 00:48:03.841
And we're but we go, it's not going to pass.
753
00:48:03.881 --> 00:48:04.721
It's going to persist.
754
00:48:04.801 --> 00:48:06.202
I have to I have to feed it.
755
00:48:06.982 --> 00:48:08.783
And it's like, do you know that?
756
00:48:08.843 --> 00:48:10.144
Have you ever let it go?
757
00:48:11.024 --> 00:48:15.267
And then all of a sudden you do something else and you don't feel that craving anymore.
758
00:48:15.287 --> 00:48:19.789
I and I started doing this with I would I was notorious for waking up in the middle of the night.
759
00:48:20.369 --> 00:48:22.490
I could like follow nutrition all day long.
760
00:48:22.530 --> 00:48:27.693
Yet I'd wake up at like 2 a.m. and somehow smash like 2000 calories just standing at my cabinet.
761
00:48:28.874 --> 00:48:30.895
And I'm like, peanut butter adds up real quick.
762
00:48:31.476 --> 00:48:37.862
And it's like, I remember like literally one time, like literally grabbing the peanut butter and I like, I put the spoon and I was like, I was like so close.
763
00:48:37.882 --> 00:48:40.545
I was just like, no, stop it.
764
00:48:40.685 --> 00:48:41.746
Like, just stop it.
765
00:48:42.707 --> 00:48:47.371
And I washed the spoon off and I put the peanut butter back and literally just that action of doing that, I was like,
766
00:48:48.392 --> 00:48:48.913
that's cool.
767
00:48:49.313 --> 00:48:51.855
Like, I don't like, I'm just going to go back to bed.
768
00:48:52.695 --> 00:48:55.737
I get, I'm literally just going to go put myself back in the back.
769
00:48:55.757 --> 00:48:58.399
Like everything in my body's going to get that shit, eat all of it.
770
00:48:58.860 --> 00:49:00.921
But it's like, I I'm in control.
771
00:49:01.221 --> 00:49:02.522
I'm actually in control.
772
00:49:03.002 --> 00:49:03.923
I don't have to do this.
773
00:49:04.484 --> 00:49:05.824
Go just set this down.
774
00:49:06.005 --> 00:49:09.587
Now physically move my legs, walk back into the bedroom and lay down.
775
00:49:09.787 --> 00:49:10.027
Boom.
776
00:49:10.288 --> 00:49:10.888
Fell back to sleep.
777
00:49:11.390 --> 00:49:11.670
Yeah.
778
00:49:11.690 --> 00:49:13.190
It's like, you got to make that choice.
779
00:49:13.330 --> 00:49:24.093
And then, and then, you know, something really important I think you you've captured is, you know, sometimes you got to be in the discomfort, like the, the discomfort isn't our enemy.
780
00:49:24.153 --> 00:49:40.256
It's, it's, it's what, it's the bridge that takes us, you know, to the other side of this habit or whatever it is, or this, this, uh, this thing that we're stuck in, you know, question I asked everyone at the end, if you could wave a magic wand, bring back an ancestral practice, what would it be?
781
00:49:40.356 --> 00:49:40.656
Why?
782
00:49:41.625 --> 00:49:41.745
Mm.
783
00:49:42.526 --> 00:49:50.433
Sunlight, sunlight, like, like, like Nate literally getting out in nature where everything's so industrialized.
784
00:49:50.453 --> 00:49:52.255
Now we, everything's comfort.
785
00:49:52.575 --> 00:49:53.436
It's immediate.
786
00:49:53.596 --> 00:49:59.000
It's, um, you know, you sit on, you can sit on your couch all day.
787
00:49:59.021 --> 00:50:05.026
You can run your entire business from your laptop, not move once stream Netflix, prime, um,
788
00:50:06.066 --> 00:50:07.067
Hulu, whatever it is.
789
00:50:08.588 --> 00:50:16.073
Literally, the only movement you would have to do is get up and walk five feet to your door to get your DoorDash that got dropped off that you ordered on your cell phone.
790
00:50:16.773 --> 00:50:18.094
And it's like nothing had to happen.
791
00:50:18.154 --> 00:50:19.294
No human interaction.
792
00:50:20.215 --> 00:50:23.077
And I know I started out with sunlight, but as I get into it, it's like just...
793
00:50:23.657 --> 00:50:26.038
Interaction in general, like putting yourself out there.
794
00:50:26.078 --> 00:50:36.504
We, I feel like we all hide and especially ever since, you know, 2020, I feel like we got into this mode of, of avoiding interaction with people and everything every day.
795
00:50:37.545 --> 00:50:41.307
Is getting us to a point of less and less human interaction.
796
00:50:41.507 --> 00:50:45.930
Every, every restaurant you go to, there's a kiosk now and there's not a person.
797
00:50:46.970 --> 00:50:48.151
Um, and we're losing that.
798
00:50:48.551 --> 00:50:56.553
And it's like, there's something so beautiful about community and nature and putting yourself in it and, and really understanding what it is.
799
00:50:57.293 --> 00:50:58.594
And that's actual comfort.
800
00:50:58.814 --> 00:51:00.134
That's actual medicine.
801
00:51:00.154 --> 00:51:03.416
As opposed to, we think the couch and the Netflix that's comfort.
802
00:51:03.476 --> 00:51:04.636
No, it's just what you're used to.
803
00:51:05.316 --> 00:51:07.837
man, there's something so much more powerful.
804
00:51:07.937 --> 00:51:09.758
And I, dude, I used to be a huge proponent of that.
805
00:51:10.058 --> 00:51:11.739
I, like I said, I was 310 pounds.
806
00:51:12.519 --> 00:51:32.746
And as soon as I started reintegrating myself back out into literally nature and all the little things, getting sunlight on your face, you know, like actually like getting vitamin D, getting good sleep, like these things, you know, you can call them biohacking, but it's like, is it this huge new technology?
807
00:51:32.827 --> 00:51:33.467
No, there's like...
808
00:51:34.267 --> 00:51:36.128
Yeah, there's a lot of cool products out there.
809
00:51:36.788 --> 00:51:41.211
These are also products that are just replicating what we used to do ancestrally.
810
00:51:41.651 --> 00:51:48.475
Grant, I mean, we'll have to have you back because we could go so many more places with this conversation.
811
00:51:49.515 --> 00:51:53.457
But I wanted to keep it kind of encapsulated into this this one.
812
00:51:53.477 --> 00:51:53.577
Yeah.
813
00:51:54.938 --> 00:51:57.981
kind of realm of responsibility versus blame.
814
00:52:00.143 --> 00:52:02.826
But so appreciate reconnecting with you today.
815
00:52:03.326 --> 00:52:06.710
Where can people go to work with you and learn more?
816
00:52:07.363 --> 00:52:11.786
Yeah, I mean, my Instagram is kind of, I do a lot through Instagram.
817
00:52:11.806 --> 00:52:14.208
So it's just my first and last name, just Grant Zioc.
818
00:52:14.388 --> 00:52:17.090
And then my website, just grantzioc.com.
819
00:52:17.130 --> 00:52:24.515
And it's a little, you know, my entire website is a really great place, I think, for people to get a vibe of what I do.
820
00:52:24.635 --> 00:52:27.458
And the entire idea of my website is a perspective shift.
821
00:52:27.678 --> 00:52:28.738
It's not a sales page.
822
00:52:28.839 --> 00:52:31.941
There's the abilities to connect, to book podcast, whatever it is.
823
00:52:32.862 --> 00:52:33.703
but it's not a sales page.
824
00:52:33.744 --> 00:52:36.969
It's like, here, step into this world for a minute and see if it resonates with you at all.
825
00:52:37.510 --> 00:52:39.253
I would say Instagram or my website.
826
00:52:40.235 --> 00:52:40.656
Excellent.
827
00:52:41.437 --> 00:52:43.441
Well, thank you again for your time.
828
00:52:43.701 --> 00:52:44.142
And, uh,
829
00:52:45.480 --> 00:52:47.941
And thank you all for joining us on this episode.
830
00:52:48.101 --> 00:52:57.065
I think what I think about is presence and what are we doing in our daily lives to stay present with the moment.
831
00:52:58.226 --> 00:53:02.848
So I hope this show will help you reflect on your own presence and how you're showing up.
832
00:53:03.128 --> 00:53:06.009
And as always, stay curious.
833
00:53:06.349 --> 00:53:06.709
Thank you.
834
00:53:08.270 --> 00:53:11.692
Thank you so much for joining me on Everyday Ancestral.
835
00:53:12.513 --> 00:53:16.735
If you enjoyed this episode, hit subscribe so you don't miss the next one.
836
00:53:17.115 --> 00:53:22.038
You can find the show notes, links, and resources mentioned at eatpluck.com.
837
00:53:22.078 --> 00:53:27.181
That's E-A-T-P-L-U-C-K dot com.
838
00:53:27.921 --> 00:53:32.784
And hey, if you know someone who'd get something out of this, share it with them too.
839
00:53:33.284 --> 00:53:37.327
Stay curious, live well, and keep it ancestral.