WEBVTT
00:00:07.040 --> 00:00:13.839
Today we're talking about an aspect of tantrums that's really important, but it's often overlooked.
00:00:14.160 --> 00:00:18.000
How to navigate them without making things worse.
00:00:18.239 --> 00:00:22.480
A tantrum is your child's way of saying, I can't handle this.
00:00:22.719 --> 00:00:34.880
If you've ever stood frozen in the cereal aisle while your child screamed or felt your heart race as all the eyes turned toward you, I want you to know you're not doing it wrong.
00:00:35.200 --> 00:00:44.719
Meltdowns or tantrums aren't evidence of failure or not strong enough punishment or poor soft parenting.
00:00:44.960 --> 00:00:53.840
They're actually opportunities, moments when your child desperately needs to learn something they just can't yet do alone.
00:00:54.079 --> 00:00:54.799
I'm Dr.
00:00:54.880 --> 00:00:58.079
Catherine and welcome to Toddlers Made Easy.
00:00:58.320 --> 00:01:01.359
Here's what's happening in those intense moments.
00:01:01.600 --> 00:01:04.719
Your child's brain has hit an overload switch.
00:01:04.959 --> 00:01:15.040
The thinking, reasoning part has temporarily shut down, which is why asking them to calm down or use your words simply doesn't work.
00:01:15.280 --> 00:01:18.560
They literally can't access those tools right now.
00:01:18.799 --> 00:01:25.120
What they need instead is to lean on your calmness until their own internal balance returns.
00:01:25.359 --> 00:01:28.159
Think of yourself as a lighthouse in their storm.
00:01:28.400 --> 00:01:32.000
You stay grounded while they navigate the rough waters.
00:01:32.319 --> 00:01:40.319
Tantrums follow a recognizable pattern, and being aware of this can help you manage them without aggravating things.
00:01:40.480 --> 00:01:48.000
And the really tricky part, if you intervene too soon or in the wrong way, you might actually fan the flames.
00:01:48.400 --> 00:01:51.599
Timing and approach are everything.
00:01:51.840 --> 00:01:54.959
So let's look at the anatomy of a tantrum.
00:01:55.359 --> 00:02:03.359
Most tantrums start with a blend of anger and sadness, but anger usually takes center stage at the beginning.
00:02:03.519 --> 00:02:08.240
This is when you'll see your child yelling, stomping, and maybe even throwing things.
00:02:08.479 --> 00:02:12.960
Their ability to listen to reason is essentially nonexistent.
00:02:13.199 --> 00:02:19.919
The stress response has hijacked their brain's ability to process logic or exhibit impulse control.
00:02:20.400 --> 00:02:25.280
And as the tantrum progresses, the physical outbursts may actually ramp up.
00:02:25.439 --> 00:02:30.719
Your toddler may start hitting, kicking, or lashing out at objects or people nearby.
00:02:31.120 --> 00:02:36.240
Not every child has physical tantrums, but when it happens, it's normal.
00:02:36.639 --> 00:02:44.400
It's at this stage your priority is safety, ensuring that neither your child nor anyone else gets hurt.
00:02:44.639 --> 00:02:50.960
But then finally, as the storm begins to subside, sadness typically takes over.
00:02:51.120 --> 00:02:58.159
You'll notice the anger fading and getting replaced by crying, whining, or fussiness.
00:02:58.479 --> 00:03:02.639
And this is your window to step in and offer comfort.
00:03:02.879 --> 00:03:11.120
You see, approaching a tantrum with a big-hearted perspective, it helps you connect with what your child is experiencing.
00:03:11.360 --> 00:03:17.280
The fight or flight reflex is activated, and empathy is your most powerful tool.
00:03:17.520 --> 00:03:23.759
It allows you to support your child without resorting to yelling or tactics that backfire.
00:03:24.000 --> 00:03:35.680
Let's take the example of three-year-old Gordy who flies into a tantrum because he wants dog food for breakfast instead of the lovely muffins and eggs you've made him.
00:03:35.919 --> 00:03:39.120
Now to an adult, this seems utterly ridiculous.
00:03:39.280 --> 00:03:45.840
And a common reaction might be something like, Gordy, cut it out, which only intensifies his distress.
00:03:46.159 --> 00:03:58.960
But when you adopt a big-hearted lens, you see the tantrum for what it is, a raw expression of disappointment from a little person who hasn't yet learned how to manage their big feelings.
00:03:59.199 --> 00:04:02.240
Instead of dismissing their feelings, you acknowledge them.
00:04:02.560 --> 00:04:07.199
Oh sweetheart, you're really disappointed that you can't have the breakfast you wanted.
00:04:07.360 --> 00:04:09.599
It's hard not getting what you want.
00:04:09.919 --> 00:04:18.079
By remaining calm, you help protect their self-esteem and you literally guide them through the emotional storm.
00:04:18.399 --> 00:04:24.000
So let's look at what calming without focusing on words actually looks like.
00:04:24.240 --> 00:04:28.879
Before we go further, though, let's just take a moment and be very clear about the how.
00:04:29.439 --> 00:04:35.839
Calming a tantrum without using your words, or essentially not using your words, looks like this.
00:04:36.079 --> 00:04:43.680
You start off by taking a power pause, meaning you say or do nothing for a moment, so your nervous system calms down.
00:04:43.839 --> 00:04:47.360
Do whatever it takes to help your nervous system calm down.
00:04:47.600 --> 00:04:53.439
That might be deep breaths, that might be feeling your feet on the floor, it may be counting to ten.
00:04:53.920 --> 00:04:56.800
Then get lower instead of louder.
00:04:57.040 --> 00:05:00.639
Kneel or sit so you're not towering over your child.
00:05:00.959 --> 00:05:03.279
Soften your face and your shoulders.
00:05:03.600 --> 00:05:10.319
Slow your breathing, stay close, and focus on safety, not teaching at this point.
00:05:10.720 --> 00:05:20.000
When your child is entering that phase where there's sadness over anger, that's when you can name the feelings, that's when they're ready.
00:05:20.319 --> 00:05:26.000
You can also offer a sip of water, use your touch to help ground your child.
00:05:26.319 --> 00:05:31.519
Use few words and use your body language and your facial expressions.
00:05:31.759 --> 00:05:33.680
Don't expect instant calm.
00:05:33.759 --> 00:05:38.560
It will take a little while, as again, this is driven by stress hormones.
00:05:38.879 --> 00:05:43.759
But your calm body does the work before your words.
00:05:44.319 --> 00:05:48.399
Now let's look at some factors that can prolong a tantrum.
00:05:48.639 --> 00:05:53.199
Here are some common reactions that might unintentionally escalate a tantrum.
00:05:53.680 --> 00:05:55.759
No judgment here, that's for sure.
00:05:55.920 --> 00:05:57.279
We've all been there.
00:05:57.600 --> 00:06:05.199
So eye rolling or sighing, well, your child will pick up on that energy, and it can actually aggravate things.
00:06:05.519 --> 00:06:14.399
Timeouts, sending them to their room, these can really make your child feel isolated, increase their anxiety, and again prolong the tantrum.
00:06:15.040 --> 00:06:17.199
Soothing words at the wrong time?
00:06:17.360 --> 00:06:24.000
Well, trying to comfort your child with words when they're still in that anger phase, it can sometimes actually make things worse.
00:06:24.240 --> 00:06:26.480
So wait until the sad phase.
00:06:26.720 --> 00:06:35.120
However, every child is different, so trust your own instincts because you know your child better than anyone else in the world.
00:06:35.439 --> 00:06:38.480
Logic and reason, I'd save those for later.
00:06:38.720 --> 00:06:44.079
During a tantrum, your child's brain really isn't processing logic, only emotion.
00:06:44.319 --> 00:06:51.439
And bribes offering a favorite toy or a snack might seem like a good idea, but this typically backfires.
00:06:51.680 --> 00:06:57.839
So when emotions are an overdrive, they're not in the right frame of mind to appreciate what you're offering.
00:06:58.160 --> 00:07:03.279
So let's look at some examples about how to handle tantrums and when to step in.
00:07:03.519 --> 00:07:07.199
Let's use the grocery store meltdown to begin with.
00:07:07.439 --> 00:07:12.959
Say your toddler wants a candy bar, and when you say no, they start screaming.
00:07:13.199 --> 00:07:25.279
Now instead of trying to explain why they can't have the candy, instead pause, help yourself calm down, go look for somewhere a little less exposed so you can get out of the way of onlookers.
00:07:25.519 --> 00:07:32.160
Gently place your hand on your child's back if they allow it and if you think it would be helpful, and take a few deep breaths.
00:07:32.319 --> 00:07:35.839
Now, without saying a word, just model calmness.
00:07:36.000 --> 00:07:44.560
As the tantrum peaks, stay close, offer silent reassurance, and eventually your calm energy will help settle them down.
00:07:44.720 --> 00:07:53.680
When the whining sadness stage kicks in, say something validating like, it's really hard when you want something so badly and you can't have it.
00:07:54.000 --> 00:08:04.480
It isn't easy to be comfortable with our kids' big feelings in public, but the quickest way to end a tantrum is to share your calm and let it pass.
00:08:05.040 --> 00:08:06.879
How about the bedtime battle?
00:08:07.120 --> 00:08:13.360
Your child refuses to put on their pajama and throws a fit, and they're yelling and tossing their toys around.
00:08:13.680 --> 00:08:22.000
Once safety is established, instead of engaging them and talking to them, sit down nearby quietly.
00:08:22.240 --> 00:08:23.519
You don't need to talk.
00:08:23.759 --> 00:08:25.439
Your presence is enough.
00:08:25.600 --> 00:08:33.120
And by staying composed and not reacting to the outburst, you create a safe space for the tantrum to fizzle out.
00:08:33.279 --> 00:08:41.279
And as the energy wanes, you can gently guide them towards getting ready for bed, saying, You really don't want to go to bed.
00:08:41.440 --> 00:08:46.559
You miss mummy and daddy after we say goodnight, and you know what, sweetheart, I miss you too.
00:08:46.799 --> 00:08:52.000
But remember, we're always connected even when we can't see each other.
00:08:52.320 --> 00:08:57.519
Now, of course, during that throwing phase, safety is always the priority.
00:08:57.840 --> 00:09:01.279
So in the end, tantrums are like a dance.
00:09:01.519 --> 00:09:06.159
Your responses can either calm the tantrum or aggravate things.
00:09:06.320 --> 00:09:08.799
And I'm not saying that to make you feel guilty.
00:09:09.039 --> 00:09:14.799
I'm saying that so you can help focus your energy on creating more calm.
00:09:15.039 --> 00:09:24.320
Now, when you do step into the tantrum and acknowledge feelings, you actually turn a tantrum into a tender moment of connection.
00:09:25.039 --> 00:09:40.320
Now, if this big-hearted approach resonates with you, check out our online course, Toddlers Made Easy, where I help you in pushback, tantrums, bedtime chaos, and so much more while bringing out the best in your child.
00:09:40.399 --> 00:09:42.879
And it only takes five minutes a day.
00:09:43.039 --> 00:09:45.600
You'll find the link in the show notes.
00:09:46.159 --> 00:09:47.679
Thank you for listening.
00:09:47.919 --> 00:09:51.120
Keep up the good work, and I'll see you next week.
00:00:07.040 --> 00:00:13.839
Today we're talking about an aspect of tantrums that's really important, but it's often overlooked.
00:00:14.160 --> 00:00:18.000
How to navigate them without making things worse.
00:00:18.239 --> 00:00:22.480
A tantrum is your child's way of saying, I can't handle this.
00:00:22.719 --> 00:00:34.880
If you've ever stood frozen in the cereal aisle while your child screamed or felt your heart race as all the eyes turned toward you, I want you to know you're not doing it wrong.
00:00:35.200 --> 00:00:44.719
Meltdowns or tantrums aren't evidence of failure or not strong enough punishment or poor soft parenting.
00:00:44.960 --> 00:00:53.840
They're actually opportunities, moments when your child desperately needs to learn something they just can't yet do alone.
00:00:54.079 --> 00:00:54.799
I'm Dr.
00:00:54.880 --> 00:00:58.079
Catherine and welcome to Toddlers Made Easy.
00:00:58.320 --> 00:01:01.359
Here's what's happening in those intense moments.
00:01:01.600 --> 00:01:04.719
Your child's brain has hit an overload switch.
00:01:04.959 --> 00:01:15.040
The thinking, reasoning part has temporarily shut down, which is why asking them to calm down or use your words simply doesn't work.
00:01:15.280 --> 00:01:18.560
They literally can't access those tools right now.
00:01:18.799 --> 00:01:25.120
What they need instead is to lean on your calmness until their own internal balance returns.
00:01:25.359 --> 00:01:28.159
Think of yourself as a lighthouse in their storm.
00:01:28.400 --> 00:01:32.000
You stay grounded while they navigate the rough waters.
00:01:32.319 --> 00:01:40.319
Tantrums follow a recognizable pattern, and being aware of this can help you manage them without aggravating things.
00:01:40.480 --> 00:01:48.000
And the really tricky part, if you intervene too soon or in the wrong way, you might actually fan the flames.
00:01:48.400 --> 00:01:51.599
Timing and approach are everything.
00:01:51.840 --> 00:01:54.959
So let's look at the anatomy of a tantrum.
00:01:55.359 --> 00:02:03.359
Most tantrums start with a blend of anger and sadness, but anger usually takes center stage at the beginning.
00:02:03.519 --> 00:02:08.240
This is when you'll see your child yelling, stomping, and maybe even throwing things.
00:02:08.479 --> 00:02:12.960
Their ability to listen to reason is essentially nonexistent.
00:02:13.199 --> 00:02:19.919
The stress response has hijacked their brain's ability to process logic or exhibit impulse control.
00:02:20.400 --> 00:02:25.280
And as the tantrum progresses, the physical outbursts may actually ramp up.
00:02:25.439 --> 00:02:30.719
Your toddler may start hitting, kicking, or lashing out at objects or people nearby.
00:02:31.120 --> 00:02:36.240
Not every child has physical tantrums, but when it happens, it's normal.
00:02:36.639 --> 00:02:44.400
It's at this stage your priority is safety, ensuring that neither your child nor anyone else gets hurt.
00:02:44.639 --> 00:02:50.960
But then finally, as the storm begins to subside, sadness typically takes over.
00:02:51.120 --> 00:02:58.159
You'll notice the anger fading and getting replaced by crying, whining, or fussiness.
00:02:58.479 --> 00:03:02.639
And this is your window to step in and offer comfort.
00:03:02.879 --> 00:03:11.120
You see, approaching a tantrum with a big-hearted perspective, it helps you connect with what your child is experiencing.
00:03:11.360 --> 00:03:17.280
The fight or flight reflex is activated, and empathy is your most powerful tool.
00:03:17.520 --> 00:03:23.759
It allows you to support your child without resorting to yelling or tactics that backfire.
00:03:24.000 --> 00:03:35.680
Let's take the example of three-year-old Gordy who flies into a tantrum because he wants dog food for breakfast instead of the lovely muffins and eggs you've made him.
00:03:35.919 --> 00:03:39.120
Now to an adult, this seems utterly ridiculous.
00:03:39.280 --> 00:03:45.840
And a common reaction might be something like, Gordy, cut it out, which only intensifies his distress.
00:03:46.159 --> 00:03:58.960
But when you adopt a big-hearted lens, you see the tantrum for what it is, a raw expression of disappointment from a little person who hasn't yet learned how to manage their big feelings.
00:03:59.199 --> 00:04:02.240
Instead of dismissing their feelings, you acknowledge them.
00:04:02.560 --> 00:04:07.199
Oh sweetheart, you're really disappointed that you can't have the breakfast you wanted.
00:04:07.360 --> 00:04:09.599
It's hard not getting what you want.
00:04:09.919 --> 00:04:18.079
By remaining calm, you help protect their self-esteem and you literally guide them through the emotional storm.
00:04:18.399 --> 00:04:24.000
So let's look at what calming without focusing on words actually looks like.
00:04:24.240 --> 00:04:28.879
Before we go further, though, let's just take a moment and be very clear about the how.
00:04:29.439 --> 00:04:35.839
Calming a tantrum without using your words, or essentially not using your words, looks like this.
00:04:36.079 --> 00:04:43.680
You start off by taking a power pause, meaning you say or do nothing for a moment, so your nervous system calms down.
00:04:43.839 --> 00:04:47.360
Do whatever it takes to help your nervous system calm down.
00:04:47.600 --> 00:04:53.439
That might be deep breaths, that might be feeling your feet on the floor, it may be counting to ten.
00:04:53.920 --> 00:04:56.800
Then get lower instead of louder.
00:04:57.040 --> 00:05:00.639
Kneel or sit so you're not towering over your child.
00:05:00.959 --> 00:05:03.279
Soften your face and your shoulders.
00:05:03.600 --> 00:05:10.319
Slow your breathing, stay close, and focus on safety, not teaching at this point.
00:05:10.720 --> 00:05:20.000
When your child is entering that phase where there's sadness over anger, that's when you can name the feelings, that's when they're ready.
00:05:20.319 --> 00:05:26.000
You can also offer a sip of water, use your touch to help ground your child.
00:05:26.319 --> 00:05:31.519
Use few words and use your body language and your facial expressions.
00:05:31.759 --> 00:05:33.680
Don't expect instant calm.
00:05:33.759 --> 00:05:38.560
It will take a little while, as again, this is driven by stress hormones.
00:05:38.879 --> 00:05:43.759
But your calm body does the work before your words.
00:05:44.319 --> 00:05:48.399
Now let's look at some factors that can prolong a tantrum.
00:05:48.639 --> 00:05:53.199
Here are some common reactions that might unintentionally escalate a tantrum.
00:05:53.680 --> 00:05:55.759
No judgment here, that's for sure.
00:05:55.920 --> 00:05:57.279
We've all been there.
00:05:57.600 --> 00:06:05.199
So eye rolling or sighing, well, your child will pick up on that energy, and it can actually aggravate things.
00:06:05.519 --> 00:06:14.399
Timeouts, sending them to their room, these can really make your child feel isolated, increase their anxiety, and again prolong the tantrum.
00:06:15.040 --> 00:06:17.199
Soothing words at the wrong time?
00:06:17.360 --> 00:06:24.000
Well, trying to comfort your child with words when they're still in that anger phase, it can sometimes actually make things worse.
00:06:24.240 --> 00:06:26.480
So wait until the sad phase.
00:06:26.720 --> 00:06:35.120
However, every child is different, so trust your own instincts because you know your child better than anyone else in the world.
00:06:35.439 --> 00:06:38.480
Logic and reason, I'd save those for later.
00:06:38.720 --> 00:06:44.079
During a tantrum, your child's brain really isn't processing logic, only emotion.
00:06:44.319 --> 00:06:51.439
And bribes offering a favorite toy or a snack might seem like a good idea, but this typically backfires.
00:06:51.680 --> 00:06:57.839
So when emotions are an overdrive, they're not in the right frame of mind to appreciate what you're offering.
00:06:58.160 --> 00:07:03.279
So let's look at some examples about how to handle tantrums and when to step in.
00:07:03.519 --> 00:07:07.199
Let's use the grocery store meltdown to begin with.
00:07:07.439 --> 00:07:12.959
Say your toddler wants a candy bar, and when you say no, they start screaming.
00:07:13.199 --> 00:07:25.279
Now instead of trying to explain why they can't have the candy, instead pause, help yourself calm down, go look for somewhere a little less exposed so you can get out of the way of onlookers.
00:07:25.519 --> 00:07:32.160
Gently place your hand on your child's back if they allow it and if you think it would be helpful, and take a few deep breaths.
00:07:32.319 --> 00:07:35.839
Now, without saying a word, just model calmness.
00:07:36.000 --> 00:07:44.560
As the tantrum peaks, stay close, offer silent reassurance, and eventually your calm energy will help settle them down.
00:07:44.720 --> 00:07:53.680
When the whining sadness stage kicks in, say something validating like, it's really hard when you want something so badly and you can't have it.
00:07:54.000 --> 00:08:04.480
It isn't easy to be comfortable with our kids' big feelings in public, but the quickest way to end a tantrum is to share your calm and let it pass.
00:08:05.040 --> 00:08:06.879
How about the bedtime battle?
00:08:07.120 --> 00:08:13.360
Your child refuses to put on their pajama and throws a fit, and they're yelling and tossing their toys around.
00:08:13.680 --> 00:08:22.000
Once safety is established, instead of engaging them and talking to them, sit down nearby quietly.
00:08:22.240 --> 00:08:23.519
You don't need to talk.
00:08:23.759 --> 00:08:25.439
Your presence is enough.
00:08:25.600 --> 00:08:33.120
And by staying composed and not reacting to the outburst, you create a safe space for the tantrum to fizzle out.
00:08:33.279 --> 00:08:41.279
And as the energy wanes, you can gently guide them towards getting ready for bed, saying, You really don't want to go to bed.
00:08:41.440 --> 00:08:46.559
You miss mummy and daddy after we say goodnight, and you know what, sweetheart, I miss you too.
00:08:46.799 --> 00:08:52.000
But remember, we're always connected even when we can't see each other.
00:08:52.320 --> 00:08:57.519
Now, of course, during that throwing phase, safety is always the priority.
00:08:57.840 --> 00:09:01.279
So in the end, tantrums are like a dance.
00:09:01.519 --> 00:09:06.159
Your responses can either calm the tantrum or aggravate things.
00:09:06.320 --> 00:09:08.799
And I'm not saying that to make you feel guilty.
00:09:09.039 --> 00:09:14.799
I'm saying that so you can help focus your energy on creating more calm.
00:09:15.039 --> 00:09:24.320
Now, when you do step into the tantrum and acknowledge feelings, you actually turn a tantrum into a tender moment of connection.
00:09:25.039 --> 00:09:40.320
Now, if this big-hearted approach resonates with you, check out our online course, Toddlers Made Easy, where I help you in pushback, tantrums, bedtime chaos, and so much more while bringing out the best in your child.
00:09:40.399 --> 00:09:42.879
And it only takes five minutes a day.
00:09:43.039 --> 00:09:45.600
You'll find the link in the show notes.
00:09:46.159 --> 00:09:47.679
Thank you for listening.
00:09:47.919 --> 00:09:51.120
Keep up the good work, and I'll see you next week.
