A Conversation with Valerie Hamaker

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Welcome to Inside Out, the podcast offering a pragmatic perspective on the Mormon church and faith.
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We explore both the strengths and weaknesses of the church and We acknowledge its positive contributions while also addressing challenges and areas for potential growth.
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I'm your co-host, Ian Wilkes, and as always, I'm joined here by the right, honorable Mr.
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Jim Bennett.
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Jim, how are you today?
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I'm both right and honorable.
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Probably more right than honorable.
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I'm not sure where the balance is.
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I thought I'd give you that title because I've been watching a lot of British politics and there's a lot of right honorable titles that these people have.
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So today we have a wonderful and very special guest.
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Welcome, Valerie Hamaker.
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Hi, how are you today?
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Good to be here.
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Really good, Valerie.
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It's wonderful to have you with us.
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Did I pronounce your last name correctly?
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Hammacher, I wish you hadn't, but you did.
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Yes, it's evolved away from a little bit more of a dignified German sounding last name, but Hammacher it is in 2025.
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Wonderful.
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And I'm not sure if I mess it up with my British accent.
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I've got a British accent going on here.
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You made it sound better.
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So
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I like it.
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Well, there you go.
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Well, Vara, it's absolutely wonderful to have you here with us.
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And of course, to have Jim be with us today.
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We're looking forward to a very interesting and comfortable, but also lively conversation with you.
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We've got you for a fairly limited piece of time.
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So if I can jump straight into it, could you give us a little bit of, and you've been asked these questions many, many times.
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This will be straightforward.
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forward, I think.
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Could you share us a bit of background about yourself, growing up in the church, your experience, a bit about your family, a bit about your work and your counselling, etc.
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Your podcast, your experiences of late and where you are right now in the situation that you're in.
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And again, your podcast and your work that you've done is extraordinary work.
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And I did watch your podcast, I think it was on Mormon Stories, and it's wonderful what you've been doing to help people.
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But you got yourself into, you and your husband got yourself into a interesting situation with the church, if I can say that.
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So if you could just kind of walk us through a bit of a timeline, that would be wonderful.
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And then Jim and I will jump in at some points and we'll have this conversation.
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Okay, sounds good.
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So you just want a big sweeping overall timeline.
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I can give that and then if you, I'm assuming you're going to want us to go backwards and be a little more granular.
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I am from the Salt Lake City area and specific to those who are from that area, part of the country.
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I'm from Centerville, Utah, born in holiday, raised in Centerville.
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My mother still actually has a home in Centerville, but she spends some time there with, I am one of six children, the second of six children.
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And most of my siblings still live in the Intermountain area for the most part, short of myself.
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I have lived in the Kansas City, Missouri area for 22 years, give or take.
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And before that, about five years in Houston, Texas.
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I have, I think I had a pretty traditional Mormon childhood.
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My family on both sides are Latter-day Saints, most of whom still are, extended family-wise and such.
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I, yeah, I went to junior high and high school in Utah, went to Weber State University for my first year, then transferred down to BYU.
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And Went two more years at BYU, then I paused and served a mission for the church.
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At the time, it was called the Oakland, California Mission, Spanish speaking.
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It's expanded and contracted several times in the last 25 years.
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I don't know what it's called right now, but I loved it.
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It was, like I said, Spanish speaking.
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I served in the visitor center for a portion of that time, did lots of proselyting as well.
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And as a bonus, I met my husband there.
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Nathan was my First, well, maybe not my first, but he was my zone leader at one point in time.
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And yeah, we crossed paths back and forth several times over the mission, came home.
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He came home first and we exchanged maybe one letter and I had my eye on him from the gate.
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He's a little more reticent to make that confession, but I'm not reticent at all.
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I thought he was good looking from the very first time I saw him.
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My heart was not evidently locked quite enough, but I really thought he was pretty good looking and I really wanted to, I was very hopeful that I could see him afterwards.
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So he was home quite a while before I was.
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As luck would have it, he was still single when I got home and we started dating, dated for two years.
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And both of us finished up at BYU and got married and went immediately to Houston where he went to the University of Texas.
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Houston branch of medical school.
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And we were four years in Texas, where he is from, and had our first two children out there and then came up to Kansas City for him to participate in his residency program as an eye surgeon up here in Kansas City.
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We thought this would be just a temporary stop and had two more children while we were here.
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And towards the end of his residency, both of us independently had impressions that it would be good to stay here and raise our children here in the Kansas City area.
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And so we stayed here and did.
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We stayed here and raised our children.
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And we have one left at home, three young adult children, two of whom are daughters and then two sons.
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The two daughters are one just graduated from college at Utah Valley, and she is serving with the Peace Corps right now.
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Yeah, very proud of her.
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She's wonderful.
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And second, well, they're all wonderful.
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I better say that from the gate lest I somehow communicate that she is more wonderful.
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My second daughter is graduating from the University of Missouri.
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Mizzou is what we call it here in the Midwest.
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And she is starting a graduate program at the UCSD, University of California, San Diego in the fall.
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And then I have my first born son.
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is serving in the Modesto, California mission, which he was very excited about.
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That's like, I don't know, 90 minutes, two hours out of San Francisco.
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So he was tickled, but he gets to serve right by mom and dad where we were because we've been telling him and all of the children mission stories since they were very small.
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And then our youngest is a junior in high school, another son.
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And so that's the family.
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When we got up here to Kansas City, Nathan was in medical or residency, and I started a graduate program at the University of Missouri, and I finished a master's degree in English, thinking I might want to do some sort of a third world country literacy sort of situation, which deep into the program decided I didn't particularly like that, but I got good at writing papers and finished that up because I'd started it.
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And then a realized what I really wanted to be when I grew up, and it was to be a marriage and family counselor.
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And so that happened and started that when my youngest was starting kindergarten and did that.
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And after I graduated from counseling school, I started a private practice in my home.
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We did a renovation and created a separate entrance and that kind of a situation so that I could work at home and have a lot of autonomy.
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I trained a lot of graduate students, did a little bit of teaching at the university, and my practice was successful quite early on.
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There were a lot of needs around here, especially I got plugged into the Latter-day Saint family services situation and was referred to by many, many a bishop and stake president.
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I had some special training in a We were calling it at the time sexual addiction.
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I know that's a name that's not as commonly used anymore.
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But I did a lot of public speaking in the ward, stake, and regional level all over the greater Kansas City and beyond area for the church, helping couples better understand sexual health.
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And I think it might have been through that.
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I'm trying to really trace the breadcrumbs backwards to where I evolved as...
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As someone who became a little bit more interested in the reform side of our faith, I think it was just so gradual, it's kind of hard to put my finger on it.
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As I learned my trade and was doing more and more clinical work, I was personally growing.
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I think I was becoming a more complex thinker.
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I was falling more deeply in love with the healing profession and enjoying it profoundly.
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And I...
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I guess I just started having the ability to look at suffering and trace back its origins in a way that was authentic and honest.
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And sometimes it had nothing to do with the faith, and sometimes it had to do with the faith.
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And I was willing to sort of start seeing, okay, this has been helpful, something that a Latter-day Saint has learned or integrated into their lives, and sometimes it wasn't so much.
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And so I...
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I just started being able to sort of see and discern what was working and what wasn't.
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And I think furthermore, I was a clinical supervisor for several years, and I started gaining a better skill set, being able to conceptualize issues, relationships, systems, problems, to sort of be able to take apart complex things.
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I guess things is a weird word.
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Relationships or ideas.
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And I just started really noticing things.
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And I remember one night I was talking to my husband and I'd done some collaborative podcasts with other podcasters.
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And Nathan said to me, you know, you and so-and-so, a colleague of mine, he says, you two ought to start a podcast actually talking about what you're noticing so that you can help people of our faith heal and help them feel like they're not crazy or that there's nothing wrong with them and just help them understand what's going on because sometimes people are suffering and they don't know why and that's like the worst thing of all and so talked to my colleague uh he thought it was a great idea we started this together and a couple months in uh he he was kind of ambivalent i think because we i think we could tell from the gate this was um needed and necessary and that this this had legs and he wasn't quite sure if this was like the actual direction he wanted to go so he very graciously spoke with me told me he didn't feel like this was where he wanted to go but he wanted to really support me I was terrified I actually almost dropped the whole thing I didn't really want to do it by myself I was very aware of how daring and taboo and scary this was and to do it by myself felt terrifying and And yet I'd had some experiences by that point in time that I felt like this was for me.
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It was for me.
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It was something I needed to do.
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And by the grace of God, I have a husband who is not a therapist, but he's very wise and he's articulate and he's very supportive.
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And he loves to read books and we love to go on long walks and talk about things.
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And it just sort of weirdly evolved.
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And next thing I know, he was the guest on a podcast once.
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And I was like, that was fun.
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You did a beautiful job.
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Let's do that again.
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And so he sort of slowly integrated into the flow of the work.
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And then the podcast exploded almost immediately.
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There was clearly just such a need.
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And I think I still haven't quite figured it all out, but I have some ideas.
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I think there was something unique that I offered from the perspective of candor, respect, love for the church, but also an ability and a willingness to talk about problems, talk about things that inadvertently harm or hurt people.
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But they could tell that I did it from a place of love.
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And so that resonated with a certain demographic of the faith.
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And from there, I had some training in running groups and facilitating groups.
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And I saw immediately the need was so great because of all the letters that were coming in.
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And I just sort of like floated a test support and processing group and it immediately filled up and from there I think I've just kind of been I don't know half-assing it's probably safe to say just sort of putting the next thing together and the next thing and and that leads us to I don't know if this is as far as you want to go.
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Maybe we'll pause here because I feel like I did my assignment.
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I gave you the big overview and maybe we'll pause and let you say something.
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You got an A plus there.
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Good.
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Thank you.
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I want A pluses.
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It's an extraordinary journey.
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And I want to just connect back on the timeline that you've just spoke to.
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So please keep that in mind because there's a whole series of questions.
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It's extraordinary.
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Thank you for that.
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Before we get into it any further, could you describe, if you will, because I think this is an important baseline, yours and Nathan's commitment and devotion to the gospel.
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Can you give some examples where that was clearly very much in place and through callings, et cetera?
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Can you speak to that?
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Sure, yeah.
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So as I mentioned, the foundation of our relationship, ironically, is we were missionaries.
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And we, from the very beginning, were missionaries.
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very committed to the church.
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I think both of us have a somewhat complicated background, which I don't want to go into particularly, but I think for us, as we started our family, there is something very safe and stabilizing about sort of plugging yourself into something and realizing that like, if they can just tell me what to do, I don't know how to do this.
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This is all new.
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And so we really, from the very beginning, we, we were committed to what we felt would really, really help our family thrive.
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And Nathan and I are both how to say this.
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Um, we're very highly motivated and we're, we're, we're, we're deep feelers and thinkers.
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And from when our oldest was 18 months old, we, we started having family home evening with her and I, and, and, uh, To this day, we have one child at home and almost every evening we do a devotional.
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Our children have been raised with some very beautiful gospel rhythms.
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And it kind of made me smile.
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A month or two ago, we were talking to our second daughter, the 22-year-old in college, and she said, you know, Mom and Dad, I will sit down with my roommates and I will want to have deep philosophical conversations with And they look at me like I have three eyeballs because I guess they weren't raised doing that.
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She said, we've always done that since we were little, where we would take a topic from the scriptures or whatever.
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And of course, it was far more traditional when we were younger parents.
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And then it became a little bit more of an open field where we would do something that resonated with us, even if it wasn't sort of correlated, right?
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And now we're completely uncorrelated, but we still do it.
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And our daughters...
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And our sons just that was normal for them.
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And so the gospel, we call it scripture study, which, you know, scripture was broadly used from the very beginning.
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We've always done family prayer where every member of our family prays at night still to this day.
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Last night we did it with the three of us.
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We've always attended temple recommend holding.
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Just very not only committed from the like the cultural side, but a sense, a felt sense that if we tethered ourselves to something that bonded us to God, that it would help our family.
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And, you know, things have evolved and changed clearly.
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And yet at the same time, Nathan and I have not changed in many ways in that we take more ownership of what this looks like, but it has absolutely been fundamental to our lives and to how we have parented.
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And You know, we've had to do some repair work with some of the ways we taught or some of the things that we taught.
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Not good ideas now that we look back.
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And certainly our daughters have been the most gracious of the children who probably got the brunt of our rigidity and things.
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But fundamentally, as far as the rhythms of family, of how we chose to allow the gospel to...
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sort of help us structure time together and how to talk about important things.
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I, I'm grateful for that to this day.
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I, no regrets whatsoever from that perspective.
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Right.
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Rom, that's, um, clearly you were absolutely devoted, committed.
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You followed the program and you enjoyed and continue to enjoy the blessings of, um, uh, and Jim and I can relate to this cause it's, it's been, you know, been our experience.
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Um, We and I talked on the phone before we set up this conversation today.
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I mentioned that I'd been a former bishop and a former member of the state presidency.
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And you'll have worked extensively with bishops, branch presidents, and members of the state presidency.
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And on these podcasts, since we launched this a couple years ago now, I've made frequent reference to the difficulty I experienced as a bishop.
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where individuals would come to me, and Jim and I have talked about this, they'd come to me as a bishop, a very young bishop actually, and with no formal training, coming to me with very serious issues relating to sexual health, let's describe it as that.
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There were other sexual assault-related experiences, many other sexual drug-related challenges and issues that these individuals had been carried.
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Some individuals had carried these issues and pain and suffering for an entire life.
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It was...
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incredibly emotionally draining.
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And as a bishop, I felt completely inadequate, overwhelmed.
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And when I went to the state president as a bishop, and I've seen this on a state presidency as well, very little or no training in terms of how to deal with this.
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And the default position, my default position was, which I think is quite common, is if individuals had a problem, then they could pray through it.
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They could fast through it.
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They could read the scriptures.
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They could turn to God.
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I was never the bishop.
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And unfortunately, there are bishops that have said this.
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And I want to say that in my experience, most of the leaders of the church have been extraordinary, wonderful, kind, loving, well-intent individuals.
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But there are certain individuals, bishops, perhaps with good intent, who connect someone's depression or anxiety with iniquity.
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In fact...
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It's in the scriptures.
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It's actually referenced in the scriptures, as you know.
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My question is, and I want to get Jim's perspective on this as well, is when going back to your counseling training, you graduate as a professional counselor, you got involved with the church as a professional counselor.
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I do want to connect later with your podcast coming up, but when you were working with the church through, I presume there's some screening, accreditation, some equalization of your skills.
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What was that process like?
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in terms of the church pre-approving you.
00:20:18.192 --> 00:20:26.861
And can you speak to some of the experiences they had with the bishops and take presence when someone came to them and they needed to refer them to yourself?
00:20:26.901 --> 00:20:30.183
Could you speak a little bit about that, Barbara?
00:20:30.223 --> 00:20:31.885
That would be great.
00:20:31.986 --> 00:20:32.246
Thanks.
00:20:32.286 --> 00:20:32.625
Yes.
00:20:32.946 --> 00:20:33.567
Yeah, I have.
00:20:34.028 --> 00:20:35.648
Oh, gosh, I have a lot I can say about that.
00:20:35.749 --> 00:20:38.071
So I guess I want to lead with.
00:20:39.553 --> 00:20:44.258
I have an enormous amount of compassion for what a bishop is asked to do.
00:20:45.089 --> 00:22:07.501
because they are not trained and so they are being asked to do something for which they cannot be expected to do well and the the most successful bishop is in my opinion is the one who knows that he doesn't know and i've run into the most problems personally as i have witnessed some well-meaning ecclesiastical leaders who in an in a you know an excess of zeal shall we say think that if they sort of lean deeply enough into their stewardship or their mantle or their priesthood power that somehow or other they can like i don't know like riff off of the universe a skill set that that a human being can't have and unless and until they have gone through the adequate training process and so My initial thought process is the system is broken in that way because it requires and invites an interaction between somebody in a great deal of pain and somebody who is very, very well-meaning and incompetent, incapable of offering to these people what is actually needed.
00:22:07.541 --> 00:22:42.367
And both parties in this transaction wants something from the other and are sort of hoping and expecting that something will happen that just isn't, not only is it not likely, but 99 times out of 100, it's not even possible because the well-meaning bishop doesn't have the skill set and the person has been sort of set up to believe that you are my leader, you are my spiritual director or the father of the ward or the guru or And so they come expecting something that is not going to be given.
00:22:42.468 --> 00:22:44.371
So that's my point number one.
00:22:45.311 --> 00:23:01.672
And so to speak deeper into that, experientially, I have seen the entire spectrum, meaning that I have seen people who finally end up in my office.
00:23:01.731 --> 00:23:06.698
Sometimes they may have been referred by a bishop or an ecclesiastical leader.
00:23:07.458 --> 00:23:15.488
only after like so much damage was done that I needed to sort of clean up, like pick up the pieces or they'd kind of given up or they didn't know what to do.
00:23:16.409 --> 00:23:25.000
Sometimes they had just come on their own because they had tried and all of the, you know, seminary Sunday school answers had failed, right?
00:23:25.500 --> 00:23:40.422
And oftentimes that actually evoked in and of itself its own deeper crisis because not only were they suffering for what their primary issue was, such as perhaps a a painful relationship or some unresolved trauma or some kind of abuse or something.
00:23:40.461 --> 00:23:48.755
But now you layer on top of that someone feeling like as if they are a failure or the shame associated.
00:23:48.815 --> 00:23:54.203
Well, if I were faithful enough, then my praying or scripture studying this away would have healed me.
00:23:54.986 --> 00:23:57.529
And so it's like there's an amplifying of issues.
00:23:57.569 --> 00:23:58.932
And so I've definitely seen that.
00:23:59.713 --> 00:24:11.411
And then I've also been fortunate enough to see ecclesiastical leaders who know very well the moment they are outside of their lane and would refer quite quickly, right?
00:24:11.471 --> 00:24:18.342
They would recognize and exercise the humility and the ego structure to go, you know what?
00:24:18.561 --> 00:24:19.242
I do not know.
00:24:19.262 --> 00:24:20.484
I am not a marriage counselor.
00:24:21.406 --> 00:24:22.608
I do not know what to do here.
00:24:22.669 --> 00:24:23.951
I can tell there's a lot of pain here.
00:24:23.971 --> 00:24:25.092
I want well by you.
00:24:25.152 --> 00:24:31.794
Let's send you to someone whose skill set is is prepared to meet your needs.
00:24:31.874 --> 00:24:46.076
And I'm proud to report that my very favorite bishop that I ever, ever worked with happened to be an elder that was also in my mission and ended up, weirdly enough, in the Midwest where Nathan and I were and frequently sent people from his stake.
00:24:46.355 --> 00:24:52.184
And the thing that I was so touched by is I will always hear the reports back from people about what was said.
00:24:52.204 --> 00:25:03.239
I've heard the good, the bad, and the ugly, and this particular bishop said, would sit with the people and would tell them, I love you.
00:25:03.278 --> 00:25:04.200
You are loved.
00:25:05.300 --> 00:25:07.743
Nothing you can do will ever, ever, ever change that.
00:25:08.884 --> 00:25:10.727
And also, let's get you help.
00:25:11.508 --> 00:25:12.509
You're suffering clearly.
00:25:13.170 --> 00:25:35.144
And so from his core, he knew that his role was to love, which is the way I see the role and responsibility of of a bishop, which is just to help reflect God's love to the people in the congregation, and then if they have psychological needs, to send them elsewhere.
00:25:35.223 --> 00:25:38.346
And so I've seen a little bit of all of that.
00:25:38.406 --> 00:25:43.031
I think I'll pause right now, and I know you asked several parts of that question.
00:25:43.112 --> 00:25:44.534
How can we move from here?
00:25:44.554 --> 00:26:10.596
Well, I'm very curious, because I know you've been tracking an awful lot of attention for The controversy surrounding your decision to withdraw your membership from the church or to resign your membership in lieu of what they now call membership withdrawal, which is, I think, a softer, prettier term for excommunication because that's what we're talking about.
00:26:10.635 --> 00:26:13.579
I don't know that changing the term changes the impact of what happens.
00:26:14.902 --> 00:26:17.005
But I've listened to you discuss this.
00:26:17.085 --> 00:26:22.373
I listened particularly to your discussion on the Mormon Land podcast with the Salt Lake Tribune.
00:26:23.201 --> 00:26:48.336
And my heart just goes out to you because it's so obvious to anybody who listens to you, to anybody who's listened to you in this podcast, but in every discussion that you've had, it's so painfully obvious that you still love the church, that you are still a person of faith, and that this must have been just an absolutely wrenching decision.
00:26:48.376 --> 00:27:03.761
So I would love to hear you discuss that As much as you are comfortable discussing it, because I think that's an extraordinarily personal decision and whatever you want to say or not say about it would be appropriate.
00:27:03.842 --> 00:27:10.069
But now we're, I don't know how many, we're a couple of weeks removed from that decision now.
00:27:10.109 --> 00:27:11.551
Yeah.
00:27:12.834 --> 00:27:16.038
Can you tell us as much about that as you'd like to share?
00:27:16.077 --> 00:27:16.979
Sure.
00:27:17.359 --> 00:27:17.740
Yeah.
00:27:18.721 --> 00:27:20.825
I think it surprises a lot of people how...
00:27:22.721 --> 00:27:28.407
calm and peaceful I feel about the unfolding of the events.
00:27:28.468 --> 00:27:34.493
Not because I've always felt calm and peaceful or because I'm in some sort of shock or numb about it.
00:27:34.534 --> 00:27:35.755
I don't think that's the case at all.
00:27:35.795 --> 00:27:47.026
As a matter of fact, I've been very calculated about the choices that have unfolded in the last three years.
00:27:47.086 --> 00:28:07.782
And this is interesting because in some ways it feels like so much has happened and And if I may say, we have done a great deal of good already in just a small period of time, myself and my husband and the people who I'm so privileged to work with on the Latter-day Struggles podcast, all of my guest speakers and the theologians and authors and things like that.
00:28:10.207 --> 00:28:25.037
But I was not naive enough to begin this process without knowing that it was possible that we would be punished.
00:28:27.140 --> 00:28:35.189
That was a decision that I made absolutely intentionally from the very first drop of the podcast.
00:28:36.411 --> 00:29:07.419
I felt prepared to do this and had several very powerful personal experiences inviting me into this space.
00:29:09.102 --> 00:29:10.522
It was never a compulsion.
00:29:10.583 --> 00:29:12.005
It was never you have to do this.
00:29:13.507 --> 00:29:15.769
It felt very clearly from a feminine divine.
00:29:15.810 --> 00:29:31.663
And the words that came to my mind one time I remember very specifically were, right now, I don't have a voice, but you do.
00:29:34.266 --> 00:29:35.047
Will you use it?
00:29:37.529 --> 00:29:41.933
And the sense I had was that I would be okay if I didn't, if this was too scary.
00:29:41.973 --> 00:29:43.756
It was okay.
00:29:44.175 --> 00:29:45.596
They would love me just the same, right?
00:29:46.298 --> 00:29:54.165
But also, I felt that as I looked back at my life and looked at a variety of events that had unfolded, I had...
00:29:55.425 --> 00:29:56.567
a unique skill set.
00:29:56.887 --> 00:29:59.270
I'm a decent public speaker.
00:29:59.310 --> 00:30:02.134
I'm pretty motivated.
00:30:02.153 --> 00:30:04.316
I understand healing.
00:30:04.336 --> 00:30:06.858
I understand organizations.
00:30:07.559 --> 00:30:14.107
I have a supportive partner who happens to very luckily be around the same space where I am in the faith journey.
00:30:14.167 --> 00:30:15.148
So I'm not alone in this.
00:30:17.531 --> 00:30:22.377
I also have a love of the tradition because it's in my DNA.
00:30:23.298 --> 00:30:30.388
But I'm also a critical enough thinker that I recognize that this isn't going to impact my relationship with God, even if the worst thing happened.
00:30:31.911 --> 00:30:52.201
And I have differentiated myself enough from the institution of the church to recognize that if God cares about this tradition and the healing of people in my faith system, someone needs to be a voice and actually talk about what's going on.
00:30:53.506 --> 00:31:02.234
And many people are able to do this behind closed doors, which became kind of a point of conflict with my local priesthood leaders.
00:31:02.955 --> 00:31:04.778
Do whatever you want, just do it quiet.
00:31:05.439 --> 00:31:16.810
We just don't want you doing this on a microphone in front of thousands of people because what you're doing is exposing on a grander scale some of the issues that we don't want to acknowledge are actually happening.
00:31:18.292 --> 00:31:33.549
And so I knew when I entered into this that it may be that the institution would be unhappy with this.
00:31:34.810 --> 00:31:38.855
But to me, I was not concerned about the institution.
00:31:39.056 --> 00:31:46.645
I was interested in my integrity between myself and my higher powers.
00:31:47.842 --> 00:31:54.971
And it is in the service of helping the institution if it chooses to be served and helped by professionals like myself.
00:31:55.813 --> 00:32:16.862
And yet at the same time, I feel grateful every day of my life that independent of whether or not they appreciate me or understand me, there are hundreds and hundreds and even I would say thousands of people based on my numbers that are absolutely different people.
00:32:17.442 --> 00:32:23.952
and are evolving and changing and expanding and healing and their marriages are healing and their mental health is better.
00:32:23.972 --> 00:32:36.513
And so when I look at the cost benefit ratio of this, it doesn't even, I don't even pause for a half second because I know what I'm about and I know who I am and I know what I'm doing.
00:32:36.554 --> 00:32:40.842
And I have all of the validation I need from the sources that matter to me.
00:32:43.842 --> 00:33:01.143
Well, so can I ask you, maybe this is sort of a philosophical question, because there are an awful lot of people in the therapy space that overlaps with the church space, and some of them have been excommunicated.
00:33:01.182 --> 00:33:03.946
Some have kind of gotten a pass.
00:33:04.508 --> 00:33:07.411
I mean, it's very much sort of a leadership roulette sort of thing.
00:33:07.451 --> 00:33:14.667
And I think it's getting harder and harder to sort of pin down where the line is.
00:33:16.210 --> 00:33:29.888
And I'd be very interested in hearing where you think the line is, or if there is a line, or if it's just so fuzzy or so difficult to define that nobody really knows if there's a line.
00:33:31.411 --> 00:33:33.053
I mean, I have an opinion on that.
00:33:33.133 --> 00:33:39.843
I think there are some really sort of hard lines that are drawn out there, but I think there are others that are a whole lot fuzzier.
00:33:40.804 --> 00:33:42.105
Where do you think the line is?
00:33:44.162 --> 00:33:51.772
I think that this is complicated because, as you mentioned before, it's variable.
00:33:52.452 --> 00:34:01.185
It really depends on the temperament of the congregation and the leadership, as at least was our situation.
00:34:01.226 --> 00:34:13.021
So for those who are hearing my story for the first time, it was leadership roulette multiplied by local leadership.
00:34:13.409 --> 00:34:22.280
I guess we could say co-congregants, people in my warden stake that sort of reported their concern in larger numbers than...
00:34:22.320 --> 00:34:27.307
Well, all I can speak to is what we were told by our local leadership that this was happening.
00:34:27.347 --> 00:34:29.090
To this day, I don't really actually know who...
00:34:29.110 --> 00:34:33.536
I have some ideas, but I'll never know.
00:34:33.576 --> 00:34:34.237
We'll never know.
00:34:34.277 --> 00:34:41.065
And so when we were told that this was happening, of course, one...
00:34:41.697 --> 00:34:47.246
starts to feel a little bit uncomfortable coming and going from church from week to week, right?
00:34:47.505 --> 00:34:49.750
And so I think that's a piece of it.
00:34:49.789 --> 00:35:14.110
After we kind of went public with what we've been through, I'm really touched to have not only like an ocean of support coming in from all over the world, from people who have been grateful for our work, but a decent number of warden stakeholders priesthood leaders reaching out and saying, this is appalling.
00:35:14.431 --> 00:35:16.112
Like, I'm so sorry you went through this.
00:35:16.172 --> 00:35:17.773
Like, this would have never happened.
00:35:17.793 --> 00:35:26.501
And where they were presiding, and I even have a dear friend that's 30 minutes across the state line.
00:35:26.561 --> 00:35:44.771
I live quite close to the state line, and she's pretty confident that, you know, she may have been slightly joking, but she said, I wouldn't be surprised if my bishop and based on the way they sort of operate and the way her stake is run.
00:35:44.871 --> 00:35:49.876
And so, I mean, there is that piece of it that I think is always up in the air.
00:35:49.916 --> 00:36:06.572
I think there are geographical components to look at, but at the same time also, I even think that's quite tricky because one of the most liberal areas in the country, well, you think of the coasts, right?
00:36:06.612 --> 00:36:16.193
I know I'm being very, very, you know, I'm being probably too generic about this, but you think, okay, you got the coasts that are probably going to be more liberal, at least in the United States.
00:36:16.233 --> 00:36:21.440
And then the more you kind of go inland, it's going to become more conservative and in the South, of course, right?
00:36:21.500 --> 00:36:28.568
And so, of course, the joke we've always said since we've lived here is you couldn't be farther away from an ocean if you tried than in Kansas City, right?
00:36:28.608 --> 00:36:37.757
We are almost as smack in the middle of the United States as one can get and have some of the Midwestern influence, but also quite a bit of Southern influence here.
00:36:38.210 --> 00:36:40.693
And then you layer on top of that, we're in Jackson County, Missouri.
00:36:40.793 --> 00:36:45.902
So we were not set up to succeed in this particular situation.
00:36:45.943 --> 00:36:55.518
Not to interrupt, but do you get people that come to Jackson County, Missouri who have this special calling because they have to be there when the second coming is going to come next Tuesday?
00:36:55.559 --> 00:36:59.146
It's happened consistently the entire 20 years we've lived here.
00:37:00.307 --> 00:37:09.273
And I wouldn't say it's droves of people, but there's a trickle in and out of that we will hear of people that have experiences that lead them this way.
00:37:09.313 --> 00:37:14.199
And so we will never know to the degree that all of these factors play in.
00:37:14.340 --> 00:37:21.449
It's just, to me, as I sort of think about the big picture, that I think it's worth at least considering, right?
00:37:21.489 --> 00:37:23.672
And so there's that thing.
00:37:23.693 --> 00:37:33.246
I mean, I will say, too, though, that I've worked very closely with people on the West Coast and the East Coast who have very, very, I would consider, devout Orthodox beliefs.
00:37:33.538 --> 00:37:37.344
wards and I've also worked with people in the Midwest who have very liberal wards.
00:37:37.384 --> 00:37:43.893
So I just don't think you can, I don't think you can definitely like narrow it down that, uh, sort of simplistically.
00:37:43.934 --> 00:38:37.193
I will also say in the, um, in the current culture that we are living in, I think there is a hypersensitivity around, uh, how one speaks about authority um and i am inclined to believe it's actually more significant than it even used to be five and ten years ago that there is something going on i well i have i definitely have my theories but that's for another podcast but i think that there are there are things going on that make uh there's sensitivity around saying anything or even alluding to anything that suggests that general leadership is not right.
00:38:37.413 --> 00:38:44.923
We can say that profits are infallible as long as we're very, very general about that principle.
00:38:45.164 --> 00:38:54.679
That's generally what one will say, but as soon as we start talking about a specific topic, it feels like it gets very, very...
00:38:57.025 --> 00:38:59.550
the energy in the air changes and it's not okay.
00:38:59.769 --> 00:39:00.010
Yeah.
00:39:00.030 --> 00:39:02.554
You said infallible, but you mean fallible, right?
00:39:03.114 --> 00:39:03.175
I'm
00:39:04.476 --> 00:39:04.637
sorry.
00:39:05.157 --> 00:39:06.039
Thank you.
00:39:06.059 --> 00:39:09.784
We can't specifically say anything they've done wrong.
00:39:10.425 --> 00:39:32.882
From my experience, that's the line that I consistently draw is that I really think that there is a much greater latitude to believe heretical or unorthodox things than people realize, but there is much, much less latitude to for any criticism of a specific leader than people realize.
00:39:33.362 --> 00:39:41.693
The way I put it is, I could talk about Heavenly Mother all day long, but I'd get in trouble if I start talking about an apostle who wears ugly ties.
00:39:42.894 --> 00:39:44.215
Something really insignificant.
00:39:44.657 --> 00:39:51.485
But just singling out a leader for criticism can really get you into trouble.
00:39:51.905 --> 00:39:54.088
Do you feel like that's what's gotten you
00:39:54.188 --> 00:39:54.768
into trouble?
00:39:55.329 --> 00:39:57.132
The answer, quite frankly, no.
00:39:57.152 --> 00:40:00.596
And the reason why, well, I'm going to say yes and no.
00:40:00.655 --> 00:40:01.577
And let me explain.
00:40:01.617 --> 00:40:06.702
Nathan and I never talked about leaders disrespectfully or critically.
00:40:06.742 --> 00:40:18.447
That was part of my fundamental baseline value system is that I truly believe that human beings are in general are good.
00:40:18.628 --> 00:40:24.755
We all are, like when I say God loves each and every one of us and we all get to go home, that means everybody.
00:40:25.817 --> 00:40:28.699
And I believe that people mean well.
00:40:28.739 --> 00:40:35.427
And therefore, I believe that of the leadership of this church because they are my brothers.
00:40:35.688 --> 00:40:36.750
I believe intent.
00:40:37.471 --> 00:40:39.132
People try to do their best.
00:40:39.432 --> 00:40:40.695
I believe people are earnest.
00:40:41.496 --> 00:41:08.989
And so when I began this podcast, there were a couple of just foundational things values that I rested my work on quite intentionally and it was that I want to persuade with love and I want to persuade by looking at those who are harmed or those who are wounded and I want to be respectful and I want to be gracious and give people the benefit of the doubt.
00:41:09.028 --> 00:41:12.434
So We look at situations.
00:41:12.614 --> 00:41:19.105
We look at what's going on in the lives of people on the ground, in the hours and hours and hours I've spent with people.
00:41:19.865 --> 00:41:34.289
And then what I do is I talk about beliefs or practices that cause suffering, that cause mental health issues, that cause harm, that cause relationship distress, that cause suicidality.
00:41:35.266 --> 00:41:52.885
And so what I do is I'm looking at actual experiences of people and then I use my conceptualization skills to sort of look at theology and psychology and Christian history and relationship health.
00:41:53.684 --> 00:42:06.224
And I sort of meld these together so that we can understand what is going on and how can we look at our own system to help people within the system thrive.
00:42:06.264 --> 00:42:19.398
And so I will look at ideas, and I will look at teachings, and I will never say, this is what needs to happen, or this leader does this, and shame on them, they're a bad person.
00:42:19.599 --> 00:42:22.882
I've never done that, and I never plan to do that moving forward.
00:42:22.922 --> 00:42:24.262
It's not who I am.
00:42:24.302 --> 00:42:41.994
However, I will say, for example, if someone is told, that they are not allowed to take the sacraments in their congregation with their partner and children, they will feel shame.
00:42:42.014 --> 00:42:45.059
And shame wounds the soul.
00:42:45.099 --> 00:42:52.909
And if one is led to believe that there is something fundamentally wrong with them and it's a public setting, it will hurt them.
00:42:52.929 --> 00:42:58.056
And this is not what is conducive to leading someone who is already suffering to healing.
00:42:58.117 --> 00:42:59.057
It will hurt them more.
00:42:59.777 --> 00:43:03.862
And so that's just one example that I give and that we talk about on the podcast.
00:43:04.523 --> 00:43:14.693
And what we do is we just look at what is conducive to the thriving of the soul because healthy psychology and healthy theology actually go together.
00:43:14.733 --> 00:43:17.856
And so we will talk about these things.
00:43:18.056 --> 00:43:26.164
And by default, are we talking about theological principles that are not, in my opinion, in the keeping of the nature of God?
00:43:26.204 --> 00:43:27.606
The answer to that question is yes.
00:43:28.481 --> 00:43:35.353
We will talk about that, but we never will disrespectfully talk about a human being or their intent.
00:43:36.255 --> 00:43:37.878
And I'm very careful about my tone.
00:43:38.039 --> 00:43:42.387
I also think that tone matters because I want to be a healer.
00:43:42.527 --> 00:43:47.436
I want to persuade people to feel that I do care about the tradition that they love.
00:43:47.456 --> 00:43:52.746
And that's one of the things that I've heard over and over again, which is I can tell you care about the church.
00:43:53.505 --> 00:43:56.911
But I can also tell that you are committed to healing and to God.
00:43:56.990 --> 00:44:00.054
And so you're holding space for something that's really tricky.
00:44:00.094 --> 00:44:01.697
And that's why I trust you.
00:44:01.717 --> 00:44:22.686
And so I think that's sort of the tightrope I walk in order to help people feel that they can trust me, but also that I will offer to them validation that if you're feeling pain for something and you don't have words for it and you don't know why and you feel guilty or afraid to acknowledge it, I'll go ahead and just acknowledge it.
00:44:22.978 --> 00:44:52.597
with you because if you're feeling it and i'm talking about it it's because i have worked with people for hours and hours and hours and hours who are feeling and suffering in the same way and so we just need to be um in like we need to in my opinion discipleship and even like the concept of like um sustaining the church and its leaders is about offering informed loving feedback When something isn't working and it doesn't feel good, it evolves and changes.
00:44:52.617 --> 00:44:55.481
That's actually how systems and countries and worlds and churches work.
00:44:56.222 --> 00:45:00.005
It's not that there's any need to feel shame or get defensive.
00:45:00.025 --> 00:45:03.570
It's how we evolve as children of God.
00:45:03.690 --> 00:45:04.791
We get more intel.
00:45:04.891 --> 00:45:06.893
We see what's helping and not helping.
00:45:06.932 --> 00:45:08.875
We talk about it, and then we grow.
00:45:08.894 --> 00:45:12.318
It's just fascinating.
00:45:12.338 --> 00:45:18.766
I'm listening and hearing you from one perspective I have as a bishop and a member of the state presidency.
00:45:19.106 --> 00:45:23.190
And I want to go back to the, just connect to the point that Jim said about the question, what is the line?
00:45:23.371 --> 00:45:26.673
And you've connected a lot of dots for me from that perspective.
00:45:27.094 --> 00:45:29.958
And there's a few thoughts that come to mind.
00:45:31.539 --> 00:45:51.724
If I may, I'll hazard a guess, I think a reliable guess as to where and how this went wrong for you in terms of, you know, your situation right now where they, it sounds like they were, again, correct me if I'm wrong, that there was evidence that they were going to organize a, It used to be called a disciplinary meeting, but a membership review meeting.
00:45:51.744 --> 00:45:55.038
I just want to touch upon that in a few minutes.
00:45:55.057 --> 00:46:11.826
But my point is I want to connect that up beyond leadership roulette, because as a bishop, I could tell you that in a state presidency, you can be as liberal as you need to be or can be in a stake or a ward, but at a certain point, that's taken away from that leader.
00:46:11.905 --> 00:46:25.918
I don't know if you know that, but when there's a problem, when the problem gets big enough and the state presidency is not dealing with it, and the state president is the king, he's the key holder, most things that happen in units and stakes happen at the state presidency level.
00:46:26.278 --> 00:46:36.070
Anything extremely serious that where the state presence is too liberal, I could tell you that the leadership, the senior leadership will take over and they will release that state present if they need to be.
00:46:36.471 --> 00:46:39.393
I think where it went wrong is that your podcast was successful.
00:46:40.695 --> 00:46:41.295
That was a problem.
00:46:42.077 --> 00:46:47.224
You resonated and reached thousands of people on issues that were very, very important to them.
00:46:48.164 --> 00:46:54.793
Two, three, these individuals were getting an extraordinary amount of help and benefit from listening to the podcast.
00:46:55.393 --> 00:47:41.612
You were taking over or replacing fundamental church services and the professional counselling in the church is a fundamental bedrock of the church where the see the bishop the church controls the entire process and also makes the referral to the professional counselor who's a active upstanding member in the church ideally with the temple recommend etc these are very established very important processes that the church protects and by the way when I was interviewed called and set apart by Elder Oaks Dallin H Oaks and Elder Cook first question he asked me was have I done anything in my, is there anything in my history or background that could be brought to the service that could damage the church?
00:47:42.978 --> 00:47:45.141
Fortunately, there wasn't, but that was the first question.
00:47:45.742 --> 00:47:49.648
Protect the institution, protect the policies, protect the processes.
00:47:50.128 --> 00:48:01.827
And I think where it started to go pear-shaped was that you were helping thousands of people in a way that the church couldn't or wasn't able to do to the extent that you could.
00:48:02.349 --> 00:48:07.436
You were dealing with issues that the church doesn't want to be public, not to a big, broader audience.
00:48:08.161 --> 00:48:15.829
And you were going out there by yourself with good intent, trying to help people, doing something that the church couldn't or wouldn't do, helping all these people.
00:48:16.813 --> 00:48:18.659
The church felt it had no control over you.
00:48:19.362 --> 00:48:22.146
You weren't in the system, in the process.
00:48:22.186 --> 00:48:24.489
You weren't following the lane, if you like.
00:48:25.188 --> 00:48:25.949
He felt threatened.
00:48:26.231 --> 00:48:37.045
And when he feels threatened, especially when thousands of people are involved and he can't control that, when he gets threatened, and we see that right now, the church makes a beeline and guns for people as they were.
00:48:37.065 --> 00:48:38.487
I understand they were going to do that with me.
00:48:38.766 --> 00:48:39.327
I resigned.
00:48:40.228 --> 00:48:42.652
Fortunately, I resigned because I was going to resign anyhow.
00:48:43.072 --> 00:48:45.775
But I took that power away from him and I made that decision.
00:48:46.336 --> 00:48:47.117
Am I...
00:48:47.554 --> 00:48:48.574
close, do you think?
00:48:48.795 --> 00:48:51.739
Am I close to some of the reasons why you think that happened?
00:48:52.380 --> 00:49:14.869
And the other thing is, if we can, before we end the podcast a bit later, just to plant this in your mind, I'm interested in getting your perspective on the relationship between individual personal challenges of anxiety and depression and other personal issues that come to the bishop and the doctrine and the policies of the church.
00:49:15.552 --> 00:49:20.264
And I mention that right now because we're coming up probably the next 15 minutes to the hour that we've got with you.
00:49:20.284 --> 00:49:26.041
But I think there is a correlation between either a problem that's created because of the doctrine.
00:49:26.061 --> 00:49:26.945
You talked about shame.
00:49:27.585 --> 00:49:35.413
and guilt and the need to live with perfection and to live this certain standard and people can't do that and therefore they feel like a failure.
00:49:35.932 --> 00:49:40.016
There's a doctrinal relationship, a policy relationship that you speak to a little bit later.
00:49:40.516 --> 00:49:55.070
But going back to my points there, trying to connect the dots, do you think, and beyond roulette and beyond this liberal orthodox role that some leaders play, etc., do you think I'm on the mark there?
00:49:55.110 --> 00:50:05.862
Do you think that those are some of the factors as to why you took the decision to remove your membership, that's something you foresaw.
00:50:06.324 --> 00:50:09.989
Do you think I'm close or not in regards to those points?
00:50:11.610 --> 00:50:12.833
I like your analysis.
00:50:12.893 --> 00:50:15.577
I think that's really savvy.
00:50:15.717 --> 00:50:21.545
I hadn't thought about it that way, but what you're saying, like tracks, I guess where I...
00:50:22.561 --> 00:50:28.769
The reason why I hadn't thought of it the way you're describing is that you've been in all of these leadership callings and I haven't, right?
00:50:28.829 --> 00:50:33.815
I don't know how the sausage is made exactly from a warden stake level.
00:50:34.436 --> 00:50:44.009
I will say that we didn't pursue conversation with warden stake leaders and had no problems for the first year and a half.
00:50:44.148 --> 00:50:49.106
Well, I say we had no, I don't know what problems they were having with us, but nobody was talking to us.
00:50:49.648 --> 00:51:06.994
We were at the tail end of one state president who had been a personal friend, and you can, there's more that I say about that in the earlier, in some of the other, the Tribune article and things, but by the time we hit the second, the new state president, I think a couple of factors were at play.
00:51:07.675 --> 00:51:17.987
First of all, I think that when He invited us to come in with his whole state presidency and my bishop.
00:51:18.407 --> 00:51:23.693
We immediately were aware that like, OK, hmm, that's that's irregular.
00:51:23.733 --> 00:51:24.114
Right.
00:51:24.153 --> 00:51:27.277
And so we knew that that was problematic.
00:51:27.719 --> 00:51:43.137
And so we we started this this series of conversations and I had spent the first portion of the time talking to my first state president from a place of fear.
00:51:44.161 --> 00:51:54.998
And kind of like I'd had my hand caught in the cookie jar and I was sort of like projecting the disapproval that he was feeling for me on myself.
00:51:55.458 --> 00:52:03.190
The old, I guess the former Orthodox version of me was really able to take in exactly how I was being seen.
00:52:04.130 --> 00:52:16.605
And I was feeling very defensive and frightened because again, I think that there's a taboo associated with being called into not only the principal, but like the whole upper management of the, you know, of the elementary school to use that metaphor.
00:52:16.664 --> 00:52:19.668
And so, so that was a part of it earlier on.
00:52:19.789 --> 00:52:49.128
And then as I found my, I feel like God has like carried me in the hollow of their hands as this has unfolded because I moved into this space of confidence and and of reassurance that I will engage in conversation with these gentlemen, and I will act as if I am not doing anything wrong, because the deeper into the process I went, the more I knew I wasn't doing anything wrong.
00:52:50.349 --> 00:53:03.164
And so I pursued conversation, and I pursued, we went as, I don't think I've mentioned this anywhere else, but in an effort to support our son to go to the temple, we went, We went all the way up.
00:53:03.384 --> 00:53:04.967
We talked to our Area Authority 70.
00:53:07.250 --> 00:53:10.074
We had a friend of a friend who connected us, at least.
00:53:10.114 --> 00:53:23.795
Well, I never had a personal conversation, but those testimonials that were read on the first podcast the day that we went public with this supposedly ended up in the inbox of one of the Twelve Apostles, who then kicked it down to a 70.
00:53:23.835 --> 00:53:25.376
I mean, we were pursuing...
00:53:26.306 --> 00:53:30.954
advocacy at every level of leadership because we were doing good work.
00:53:31.074 --> 00:53:33.038
We were helping the church.
00:53:34.621 --> 00:53:37.927
And it got kicked up and down the hierarchy.
00:53:38.126 --> 00:53:40.231
And soon, of course, we realized we have no one.
00:53:40.351 --> 00:53:41.472
No one is going to help us.
00:53:42.934 --> 00:53:50.278
And so what I kind of think is, and it all landed in the lap of the God bless him.
00:53:50.298 --> 00:53:51.641
I think he means well.
00:53:51.800 --> 00:53:53.123
I truly, truly do.
00:53:53.282 --> 00:53:58.969
And of all the gentlemen we talked to, he did not understand what we were experiencing, what we were doing.
00:53:59.150 --> 00:54:00.012
He just didn't.
00:54:00.672 --> 00:54:17.806
And I think sometimes when someone is—this circles us back to the first part of our conversation—when someone is really just out of their pay grade and they're being asked to do something and to discuss issues that are just— fundamentally not inside of what they understand.
00:54:17.846 --> 00:54:21.750
It'd be sort of like somebody trying to sit down with me and ask me how to teach them calculus.
00:54:21.871 --> 00:54:25.815
At least I would have the wisdom to say, I don't know.
00:54:25.835 --> 00:54:28.277
But I think these gentlemen want to know.
00:54:28.297 --> 00:54:32.543
They want to be able to do what they've been asked to do.
00:54:32.583 --> 00:54:44.601
And so in an effort to try to manage us, We ended up in these sort of circular conversations that always led to follow the prophet and covenant path.
00:54:45.442 --> 00:55:02.581
And every time I tried to engage them or him in anything with even just a modicum of complexity, like what's really happening on the ground, as opposed to like sort of theoretical ideas about doctrine, it went nowhere.
00:55:02.601 --> 00:55:10.887
And so I think in his effort to diligently do what he thought was right, he saw he was, I think, overwhelmed.
00:55:11.449 --> 00:55:16.557
And I think he sort of just diminished it down to sort of the binary black and white.
00:55:16.818 --> 00:55:21.646
Is she, are they formally following the prophet?
00:55:21.766 --> 00:55:27.817
And I mean, I guess one would have to say under the circumstances that this is not a guess, no question.
00:55:27.856 --> 00:55:32.605
I would say, yes, we are sustaining the growth of the church and giving information.
00:55:32.664 --> 00:55:34.628
We are trying to help our brothers and sisters.
00:55:34.668 --> 00:55:35.550
We're on the same team.
00:55:35.905 --> 00:55:40.911
If I got a nickel for every time I said that to a priesthood leader in the last 18 months, quit my job.
00:55:40.931 --> 00:55:42.434
We are on the same team.
00:55:42.653 --> 00:55:43.454
We are helping.
00:55:43.534 --> 00:55:44.976
We are doing good things here.
00:55:45.016 --> 00:55:48.900
They didn't want us to do, well, let me say it differently.
00:55:48.920 --> 00:55:58.072
Addressing the fact that we were doing good things and people were healing would require them to acknowledge that there was a problem.
00:55:58.932 --> 00:56:02.697
And we couldn't even get past step A, step one, right?
00:56:03.297 --> 00:56:12.327
And so I think what happened at the end of the day was in their overwhelm that it seemed very clear to them that Valerie and Nathan Hamaker were not going to stop the Latter-day Struggles podcast.
00:56:13.208 --> 00:56:15.331
I was respectful, but I made that very clear.
00:56:15.371 --> 00:56:17.454
This is a call that I have received.
00:56:17.494 --> 00:56:18.474
It's a vocation.
00:56:18.534 --> 00:56:20.137
It is my job, but it's also a call.
00:56:20.237 --> 00:56:22.539
I feel deeply about this and I'm going to keep doing it.
00:56:23.280 --> 00:56:24.782
And I'm going straight to God on this one.
00:56:25.023 --> 00:56:28.106
I'm not needing your validation and approval.
00:56:29.327 --> 00:56:44.438
And I think in their effort to like, managed something that felt very overwhelming, specifically from a woman who isn't afraid, who's treating them like equals, trying to be collegial and have an egalitarian, let's have a conversation.
00:56:45.318 --> 00:56:46.840
It was so out of their realm.
00:56:46.880 --> 00:56:55.608
My sense is the simplest way to make this go away was to make us go away.
00:56:58.251 --> 00:57:00.034
Do you think it would be different if you were a man?
00:57:05.090 --> 00:57:05.610
don't know.
00:57:05.630 --> 00:57:08.275
I don't know.
00:57:09.456 --> 00:57:39.909
My first guess is probably not, but the sense I got, and again, this is just my interpretation, so I maintain we can never know what's going on in the minds of anybody else, but the sense I got in the interactions that we had was that Nathan had betrayed the brotherhood and I was just out of line because I was not behaving the way a woman should behave at a patriarchal system.
00:57:41.791 --> 00:57:48.300
And so, and I will say with some of the priesthood leaders that I worked with, I was treated very respectfully.
00:57:48.340 --> 00:57:52.724
I didn't feel a sense of sort of one down superiority.
00:57:52.905 --> 00:57:57.690
I will say with one of them, I felt very one down as if, how dare you?
00:57:57.751 --> 00:57:59.673
What are you doing?
00:57:59.793 --> 00:58:28.699
You should not, like what, like the fact that I even, had a voice and confidence and a sense of of who i am and what i'm doing i i did get the feeling from one of them that like even that was very off-putting for for him and again i can't really know but i'm just sensing i feel like i'm a pretty intuitive person and some of the gentlemen were uncomfortable but they were very respectful and i could tell that they i didn't feel um a problem um around my being a woman but with with certainly with with one i did
00:58:30.338 --> 00:58:32.880
We're coming up to the hour that we've got with you.
00:58:32.920 --> 00:58:35.481
We're so grateful to have you with us.
00:58:36.744 --> 00:58:39.465
But I want to go back to the question I asked earlier.
00:58:39.606 --> 00:58:47.992
If you can just speak briefly or however much time you've got between the relationship between the doctrine of the church, the policy of the church.
00:58:48.514 --> 00:58:50.394
You spoke a bit about the patriarchy.
00:58:50.434 --> 00:58:54.059
That's the whole of the conversation that I'd love to have with you and Jim.
00:58:54.599 --> 00:59:04.710
But could you speak to, is there a relationship between anxiety, depression, people's personal relationship issues and specific doctrine and policies.
00:59:04.750 --> 00:59:14.222
You mentioned in the sacrament where people sometimes are instructed by bishops not to take the sacrament and it's a public setting and that brings an awful lot of shame.
00:59:14.682 --> 00:59:18.867
Can you speak to those relationships between doctrine and policy and those traditions?
00:59:19.708 --> 00:59:41.896
So I think that this is a complicated phenomenon because we all know and love people who have been and are and will continue perhaps maintain a very, very rich, positive, life-giving relationship with the church, this church or other churches, right?
00:59:41.936 --> 00:59:44.057
And it just, it works for them.
00:59:44.818 --> 00:59:48.222
It's just resonant with them and they just don't see the problem.
00:59:48.503 --> 00:59:51.586
And when somebody else has a problem, they can't fathom what's going on, right?
00:59:51.606 --> 01:00:02.269
And then I think you have other people who have either other temperaments or other experiences that that evoke an enormous amount of pain and suffering.
01:00:03.090 --> 01:00:35.228
Anyone who has any tendencies towards anxiety that channels itself in any sort of like a scrupulosity or OCD sort of thing, they're going to very likely feel a lot of pain and suffering in a high demand religion that is very sort of rules oriented and has a high measuring stick towards Obedience multiplied by any kind of a God image that is scary and punitive.
01:00:35.869 --> 01:00:51.978
These are the kind of people that are sort of set up to feel a great deal of anxiety and depression and just a lot of internal agony, some of them every day of their lives for a very, very long time until they unhook themselves.
01:00:52.641 --> 01:00:58.911
from these internalized beliefs about themselves and about God and about sin and punishment.
01:00:59.693 --> 01:01:09.467
And so it's interesting because it has a lot to do not only with some of the doctrine, but it also has to do with the temperament of the individuals.
01:01:10.409 --> 01:01:16.297
Now, to set that aside, I'll say just a little bit about something else that I feel passionate about.
01:01:16.538 --> 01:01:18.942
And you mentioned we ought to maybe have another conversation.
01:01:19.001 --> 01:01:21.585
So I'll just give just a tiny little taste of what I feel.
01:01:22.114 --> 01:01:25.619
is that I am very, very interested in issues of gender and sexuality.
01:01:25.679 --> 01:01:44.045
I feel that some of the greatest shadows that we are, I and others that I love in this space are endeavoring to address is the shadows of our issues around gender, sexuality, and power here in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.
01:01:44.367 --> 01:01:46.269
And it's a big one.
01:01:46.626 --> 01:01:53.893
And it really does inform a lot of the pain and suffering that people have if they have pain and suffering connected to the church.
01:01:54.153 --> 01:02:13.233
And so just recently, Nathan and I really dug deeply into, and we're still kind of doing these series off and on, how much patriarchy and systems, like formalized systems of gender inequality harm humans.
01:02:13.333 --> 01:02:13.994
Now, we...
01:02:14.434 --> 01:02:26.128
talk about women's issues, and I love talking about women's issues, and yet at the same time, not very many people in the Mormon discourse world talk a lot about how men are wounded by issues of patriarchy.
01:02:27.050 --> 01:03:14.023
And yet they are profoundly wounded in their psychological and spiritual development by being a part of a system that teaches them from very early in their consciousness that they are superior to half of the, you know, rest of the world and so there are psychological impacts that that women and men are going to experience because of the structure and theology of the church and again some people are not going to feel it very strongly maybe they haven't been exposed to harm as much as others or maybe their temperaments are such that it there it doesn't it doesn't um touch them as much.
01:03:15.143 --> 01:03:17.885
But for some, it does.
01:03:18.927 --> 01:03:43.802
And I think in 2025, in this day and age where we're living in a world that is more and more acknowledging the harm done in systems of oppression, there are many women and men that are awakening to the reality that almost anywhere you go in the Western world, women are treated equally.
01:03:43.822 --> 01:04:02.273
And people that are on a faith journey or that are psychologically developing, that are working through stages of moral development, male and female are interested in the growth of the soul and in offering flourishing environments for others as well.
01:04:02.293 --> 01:04:06.541
And so I definitely am passionate about that.
01:04:07.458 --> 01:04:29.925
And I know that that in this day and age is, um, is again, that's taboo and that actually patriarchy and structures of power also segue themselves right into issues of LGBTQ plus because patriarchy teaches people, women and men, how one must behave to sort of, um, belong to a patriarchal system.
01:04:30.005 --> 01:04:40.353
And so women are told how they behave and, um, Gender and sexual minorities also are sort of implicitly or explicitly told what the rules of engagement are.
01:04:40.373 --> 01:04:43.278
And anybody that transgresses those rules will be punished.
01:04:43.980 --> 01:04:49.690
And so that's sort of what systemically we are taught in a sort of white, cisgender, heterosexual culture.
01:04:49.710 --> 01:04:58.585
And then if you just layer on top of that a church system that now has endorsed it as like theological mandate, you know, with God's stamp of approval.
01:04:59.137 --> 01:05:07.889
You have a petri dish for pain and suffering if somebody doesn't sort of obey the rules of engagement according to that system.
01:05:08.068 --> 01:05:15.157
And so I do talk about that because I care deeply about our people.
01:05:15.978 --> 01:05:19.264
I love my Latter-day Saint heritage people.
01:05:20.284 --> 01:05:24.530
I am one of you, and I don't care what the records say.
01:05:24.771 --> 01:05:25.672
That doesn't change.
01:05:26.632 --> 01:05:26.913
I am...
01:05:27.585 --> 01:05:29.849
deeply committed to doing the work of God.
01:05:29.869 --> 01:05:35.577
And where I formally stand, honestly, I think I don't even really think about it.
01:05:35.657 --> 01:05:49.436
It doesn't resonate with me as far as my feeling like I belong or don't belong, because I think when one belongs to themselves, they belong wherever they want.
01:05:50.516 --> 01:05:53.320
And that's why I think I'm just as committed as ever.
01:05:53.360 --> 01:06:13.630
I I'm just grateful that I get to do this and that I get to be in some way instrumental in helping my Latter-day Saint heritage brothers and sisters find God and find themselves and find peace.
01:06:16.634 --> 01:06:18.076
Valerie, thank you so much for that.
01:06:18.536 --> 01:06:20.798
I want to just give some time to you, Jim.
01:06:20.838 --> 01:06:41.148
Any closing remarks from your experience perspective and then I just want to go back to you Valerie as we close here I want to ask you is there any summarizing or final messages that you would deliver to the first presidency if they were listening to this podcast and we understand that Some of the leaders of the church, perhaps not the first presidency, do listen to the Inside Out podcast.
01:06:42.090 --> 01:06:49.083
We understand from time to time, you know, what message you have for the leadership of the church and what they would change.
01:06:49.465 --> 01:06:53.954
But Jim, just a minute or so with you to provide any closing remarks from your end.
01:06:54.402 --> 01:06:59.286
Well, all I want to do is thank you so much, Valerie, for sharing all this with us.
01:06:59.447 --> 01:07:02.471
I think you've given me particularly an awful lot to think about.
01:07:03.192 --> 01:07:16.306
I'm going to listen to this, I think, multiple times because you've said so many things that are so insightful and that have sort of given me a different perspective on some of these issues that I really want to revisit it and think it through.
01:07:16.346 --> 01:07:29.434
But I am just so grateful that you're out there I'm so grateful that you feel called to do this and that you are doing this because I think you are blessed more lives than you could possibly know.
01:07:29.454 --> 01:07:31.938
And so I just...
01:07:32.759 --> 01:07:36.985
I'm sorry that this has been whatever the circumstance is.
01:07:37.025 --> 01:07:39.748
It still seems quite heartbreaking to me.
01:07:39.809 --> 01:07:41.952
But I just want you to know that...
01:07:44.130 --> 01:07:46.315
Certainly, I appreciate what you're doing.
01:07:46.335 --> 01:07:51.367
I think there are many of us that are still in the church that very much appreciate what you're doing.
01:07:52.289 --> 01:07:57.121
And I hope you are able to continue doing it for a very, very long time.
01:07:57.161 --> 01:07:59.626
Thank you very much.
01:08:00.228 --> 01:08:00.710
Thank you, Jim.
01:08:00.961 --> 01:08:03.166
Valerie, I echo what Jim said.
01:08:03.206 --> 01:08:04.067
I won't add to that.
01:08:04.148 --> 01:08:04.969
It's how I feel.
01:08:05.048 --> 01:08:06.210
I've learned so much from you.
01:08:06.251 --> 01:08:09.235
Even if we weren't, we were just having the three of us having a conversation.
01:08:09.277 --> 01:08:10.699
I've learned so much from you.
01:08:10.719 --> 01:08:18.972
You're an extraordinary, courageous, incredibly insightful woman and individual and professional counselor helping so many people.
01:08:19.715 --> 01:08:24.289
Don't stop, even though you're not Remember, that makes no difference whatsoever.
01:08:24.329 --> 01:08:26.895
That does not define you, does not control you.
01:08:26.975 --> 01:08:29.018
You are an extraordinary individual helping so many people.
01:08:29.399 --> 01:08:29.859
Don't stop.
01:08:29.979 --> 01:08:30.560
Keep helping people.
01:08:30.640 --> 01:08:31.242
I know you will.
01:08:31.502 --> 01:08:33.886
I know you will continue to do that.
01:08:34.507 --> 01:08:42.001
Any final comments, messages that you want to share, including what would you tell the leadership of the church to do differently?
01:08:43.323 --> 01:08:47.010
I think if I had just one thing to say...
01:08:51.010 --> 01:09:00.900
I think what I would want to communicate is that there's nothing wrong with needing to evolve.
01:09:03.082 --> 01:09:32.233
And I've given this so much thought because it's the same with individuals as it is with systems, which is that when one knows at their core that they're good, They don't have a problem or they don't feel afraid or shame or anger or threat when they receive feedback that evolution is important and necessary.
01:09:33.213 --> 01:09:45.690
And to the degree that one feels shame or feels that there's something scary that needs to be hidden, it is then that they become afraid and aggressive.
01:09:48.770 --> 01:09:54.658
What I would love for them to know is that it's okay to be messy.
01:09:55.319 --> 01:10:11.523
It's okay for a human or a church system to have messy, to not have it all figured out, to not have the perfect theology or the pristine history.
01:10:12.503 --> 01:10:16.670
It's okay to acknowledge that we are all growing together.
01:10:16.962 --> 01:10:20.786
And if we truly believe, this is the thing, it's built into our theology.
01:10:20.845 --> 01:10:22.929
We believe in this concept of restoration.
01:10:24.029 --> 01:10:33.780
If we could just allow ourselves to look at ourselves and say, hmm, we used to do it this way.
01:10:33.801 --> 01:10:35.663
It hurts people.
01:10:36.283 --> 01:10:37.064
Let's look at it.
01:10:37.125 --> 01:10:48.293
Let's take some feedback from the smart people all around us and from their experiences and from their suffering and from you know, the successes and the failures of the system.
01:10:48.595 --> 01:10:56.725
And let's just take all of this in and collaboratively grow together so that we can truly support individuals and families.
01:10:58.046 --> 01:11:10.622
And I think if that mentality were embraced, then this wouldn't be a threat and it wouldn't be so scary because I think when we are afraid, that's when we act aggressively.
01:11:11.810 --> 01:11:21.545
But if we have no fear because we know who we are and we know we're good as a church or a human, then we just let things come in and we learn and we grow and we collaborate.
01:11:21.585 --> 01:11:26.332
And then violent situations like what Nathan and I have been through would never happen.
01:11:27.954 --> 01:11:29.016
Jim, thank you.
01:11:29.377 --> 01:11:31.039
Valerie, thank you.
01:11:32.021 --> 01:11:32.502
You're welcome.
01:11:33.404 --> 01:11:34.626
Thank you very much, Valerie.
01:11:34.765 --> 01:11:35.426
And thank you, Ian.
01:11:36.970 --> 01:11:37.149
Thank you.