WEBVTT
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Welcome to the Optimizing Beyond podcast. I'm
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Josh Negron, and this show's all about sharing
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lessons, ideas, and strategies that sharpen your
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thinking, strengthen your habits, and push you
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to grow beyond comfort zones. Let's dive in.
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Last week we talked about discipline, and today
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we're exploring how that same intentionality
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Transforms our relationships from transactional
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to truly transformational. We'll unpack listening
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versus hearing, value alignment, emotional intelligence
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and hard conversations, and how to coach with
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curiosity. With the goal to build relationships
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that grow people together and forward, not just
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for the outcomes. It's possible that most relationships
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fail not because of conflict, but because they
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stop transforming and communicating. And we're
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going to talk about how curiosity is the currency
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of transformation. Let's get into it. There's
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a pretty big difference between listening and
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hearing. Connection begins when we feel understood.
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We've all talked to someone who really doesn't
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seem very interested in what we're saying or
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doesn't seem to be listening. You can feel it
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almost instantly. They're nodding, but they're
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just not with you. True communication transcends
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just hearing words. It's about understanding
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the message. It's a two -way street where feedback
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and clarification are vital. I've recently heard
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it put this way. You always have the right to
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ask clarifying questions because that's how you
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gain clarity and avoid getting stuck in assumptions.
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Sounds simple enough, but what keeps us from
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actually asking more questions? I think it's
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things like fear. or annoyance. We've all been
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there. When you ask too many questions of your
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significant other, or maybe your boss, and that
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other person gets irritated with you, you're
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like, fine, I'm not asking any more questions.
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But think about the alternative. What happens
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if you don't ask? That's right, assumptions.
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And we all know what that makes you. Assumptions
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replace communication and quietly degrades it
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over time. Another key component of effective
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communication is active listening. This involves
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fully concentrating, understanding, and responding,
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and then remembering what was being said. It's
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not just about waiting for your turn to speak.
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Some great speakers like John Maxwell have reminders
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like this. One of the greatest gifts you can
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give someone is the gift of your attention. And
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for my leaders out there, he says, leaders listen,
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learn, then lead. In that order, of course. Another
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important ingredient is that communication is
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incomplete without feedback. It confirms your
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message landed the way you intended, and if it
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didn't, it gives you a chance to adjust. One
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of my favorites is customer service reps, because
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they're trained to repeat what you say and summarize
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it to make sure they understand what they need
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to be working on for you. Now, that's super helpful
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when you have a seven paragraph statement and
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story about what's going on. They have to work
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kind of hard to summarize that for you. But I
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find it humorous when you're calling in and they
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say, how can I help you? And you say, well, I
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have some questions about my bill. And their
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response is, so if I understand you correctly,
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you have some questions on your bill. Did I get
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that right? And it's just comical because I literally
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just said that, right? When someone does this
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well, it's helpful when it's appropriate. But
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conversely, if someone doesn't do this well or
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doesn't do this at all, what if something didn't
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quite land well and they don't clarify? And that's
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where misunderstandings come into play. In your
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next conversation, practice active listening.
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Pay attention not just to the words but also
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the nonverbal cues because so much communication
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isn't just verbal. And ask for feedback to ensure
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your message was received as intended. Here's
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some things you can say. So what I hear you saying
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is, did I get that right? Or are you saying,
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summarize what you think they're saying. And
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then here's an extra one. Like if you're hurt
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or currently upset by someone, you can say something
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like this. When you did or said, insert here,
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it made me feel like this. Is that how you wanted
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me to feel? This shows them your perspective
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without immediately blaming them or attacking
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them personally. It lets them hear that before
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getting defensive and can help them respond typically
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in no and then clarify what they were trying
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to say and hopefully helping you guys understand
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each other better. Speaking of tough conversations,
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listening is the discipline. Empathy is the posture.
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Let's bring them together in these hard moments.
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This is where emotional intelligence and grace
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in hard conversations come into play. Seeking
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to understand before seeking to be understood.
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That order really matters. Instead of assuming
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negative intent, start with curiosity. Ask questions,
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learn their logic behind their words or behavior.
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That posture gives the gift of humility. It honors
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that they might have a valid different perspective
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that maybe you hadn't considered. By starting
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with positive intent, you extend grace and create
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space that maybe there's a reason they're being
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unpleasant, annoying, or yeah, even hurtful.
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Patiently wait with patience and grace, yes,
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double on purpose, to see if it's an isolated
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event or the beginning of a pattern, at which
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point a courageous conversation is going to be
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necessary. Most types of conflict don't even
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make me anxious anymore. And I'm proud of that
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growth. But here's something I'll say. I've also
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learned the discernment of the times to choose
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not to have conflict. Not because I'm avoiding
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it, because I recognize the issue is actually
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me. Rather than trouble the other person or give
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them a complex, I challenge myself to adjust
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or just simply let it go. A lot of pet peeves
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are this way. For me, I have a hard time when
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people chew or drink loudly when there's not
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a lot of ambient sound. So restaurants, coffee
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shops, I'm usually okay. But if it's a more intimate
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setting, sometimes that can really flare up and
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it can really be disruptive if I say things,
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particularly when you're irritated, you may not
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communicate, hey, you're being a little loud
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when you eat. Usually it's a little more abrupt
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than that. The way my wife and I have solved
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this is when we eat dinner, we usually put something
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on in the background, like maybe some music or
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a TV show for that matter. And that way, if she
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is chewing or drinking loudly, I don't even hear
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it. It helps me not get irritated and it helps
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her not have a complex, get self -conscious about
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it. Because I know most times it's me. So I just
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try to find ways to let it go. Because even addressing
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it kindly could make that person second guess
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themselves. This is emotional intelligence. It's
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the ability to understand and manage your own
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emotions and how you respond to others. Empathy
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and understanding create that connection. A pro
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tip here is, as emotions rise, if you can feel
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yourself amping up, try to deepen your breathing.
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I would recommend you do this quietly because
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a big dramatic sigh in the middle of a tough
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conflict may not work out too well. And also,
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Remember to allow them to have emotions. They're
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allowed to feel. You're responsible not for their
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emotions, but for your response to them. Now,
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if someone offers you candid feedback, I recommend
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you reward it. This is how you get more of it.
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If you react defensively or shut it down, you'll
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train people to either never give you feedback
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or just become yes -men and tell you what they
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think you want to hear. Leaders, listen up. You
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need to cultivate a culture of feedback, not
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a culture of fear. When we align on that and
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we take in feedback, conflict can become collaboration.
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This type of value alignment creates a shared
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direction. This moves us from competing agendas
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to a shared mission. It also gets easier the
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more they know you care. You may have heard before,
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they don't care how much you know until they
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know how much you care. You also can't mentor
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someone if you're not close to them. So, work
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together towards something you both value. It's
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easier to find harmony when you're rowing in
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the same direction. This value alignment creates
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acceleration towards growth or resolution, whichever
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you're looking for. And that shared direction
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reduces friction. With these values, coaching
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becomes a conversation, not a command or an order.
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But in these coaching moments, it's super important
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to ask before you advise. This type of curiosity
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earns influence because advice without context
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erodes trust. People aren't interested. This
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is where that early listening pays off. When
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people feel heard, when you offer advice, they're
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far more open to it. If you've ever had any conversation
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with anyone, you know that perspectives are diverse.
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So remember, listen actively and try to understand
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their view. Don't wait for your turn to talk,
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just be present. People feel valued when they
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feel understood. Ask clarifying questions and
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acknowledge their valid points. A little curiosity
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goes a long way. Dig deeper and give credit where
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it's due. And if you've got a counterpoint or
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a hard truth you need to communicate, Bring evidence
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and avoid being dismissive of their feelings
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or emotions. Facts don't have to be a slap in
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the face. Share truth with kindness and respect.
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Maybe they've never considered what you're offering,
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so give them room to wrestle with it and maybe
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even push back a little. The right environment
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makes these habits normal. That's where identity
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and community matter so much. Transformation
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happens when reflection meets that honesty. This
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is where identity, belonging, and community all
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come together. Because you become like the people
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you're consistently around. So many successful
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people say, show me your closest five people
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and I'll show you your future. If you're not
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challenged and learning regularly in the rooms
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you're in, you may need to find a different room.
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If you're the biggest fish in the pond, hey,
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find a different pond. I talk often about the
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importance of community and your tribe because
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it's so invaluable. Community can completely
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change your life. Trust me, I know. That's one
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of the things it's for. And when talking about
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this, I often think about iron sharpening iron.
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It isn't just a slogan. It's a way of life. But
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even in that meaning, it induces friction. It
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means I'm open to being refined and willing to
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refine others with grace. You can build that
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skill and then protect it. It's so valuable.
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Here are some fundamentals to help keep conversations
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clear and healthy. So here are three great ways
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to keep your conversations clear. Number one,
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use a clear tone. Being concise prevents confusion.
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It's not about fancy words. It's about being
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straightforward and understandable. For example,
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if you're the kind of person that rambles on,
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You can really send multiple different messages.
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You risk contradicting yourself or even just
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not getting to the heart of the issue. The second
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is be responsible and aware of your body language.
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Remember, a huge portion of communication is
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nonverbal. Tone, posture, eye contact, they often
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say way more than your words. If someone calls
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out that your body language is actually communicating
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something different than what you expect, practice
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humility. Just because you didn't say it doesn't
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mean you didn't send it. Stay curious and ask
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questions. And number three, practice global
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awareness. In a diverse world, respect cultural
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differences. In a diverse world, be aware of
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cultural differences in communication. For example,
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the easiest one is humor doesn't always translate
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to different cultures or languages. So keep a
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humble learning posture. So let's land this with
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a simple practice you can use this week. We've
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talked about how relationships thrive on curiosity,
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not control, listening before advising, aligning
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on values, and speaking with grace that turns
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conflict into growth and conversations into transformation.
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We also discussed how mutual refinement, that
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iron sharpens iron dynamic, happens when attention,
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empathy, and truth work together. The more you're
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willing to press into this uncomfortable process,
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the more exponential growth you can experience
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together. So here's a practical playbook on transformational
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relationships. Number one, pause before reacting.
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Use things like breath and curiosity to shift
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from reaction to reflection and then respond.
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Count to three before replying in a heated moment.
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Number two. Assume positive intent. When a message
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feels harsh, ask for clarity before you assume
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anything. Curiosity and humility helps lower
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walls. And number three, reflect and refine.
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End each week by reviewing one interaction that
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you could improve, and then journal about it.
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Ask yourself, where did I react instead of respond?
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And now let's cover a few objections or myths
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about relationships. Number one is strong relationships
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mean always agreeing or avoiding conflicts to
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maintain peace. I don't think so. True peace
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is built through honesty and grace. Conflict
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handled well deepens trust. It's the difference
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between peacekeeping and peacemaking. Peacekeeping
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avoids conflict to keep the peace. Peacemaking
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means you have to address what's going on. Next
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is to lead well, you must always give more than
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you receive. This is something I hear a lot of
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leaders do. They put themselves last. They don't
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take care of themselves very well because they're
00:14:59.879 --> 00:15:02.059
always serving everyone else. And eventually
00:15:02.059 --> 00:15:05.019
they just run out of time. You can't keep pouring
00:15:05.019 --> 00:15:07.000
out of a container if you're not pouring back
00:15:07.000 --> 00:15:10.100
into. So healthy leaders know to allow themselves
00:15:10.100 --> 00:15:13.990
to be poured into. from mentors to healthy relationships
00:15:13.990 --> 00:15:18.350
to practicing intentional rest and more. Here's
00:15:18.350 --> 00:15:21.769
your challenge this week. Ask before you advise.
00:15:22.289 --> 00:15:25.210
In your next meaningful conversation, I want
00:15:25.210 --> 00:15:27.769
you to ask three open -ended questions before
00:15:27.769 --> 00:15:31.549
offering any advice. Then, reflect on what you
00:15:31.549 --> 00:15:34.250
heard. Say things like, here's what I'm hearing.
00:15:34.450 --> 00:15:37.950
Did I get that right? And then, if advice is
00:15:37.950 --> 00:15:40.720
welcome, Share it with kindness and evidence,
00:15:40.980 --> 00:15:43.740
not as a verdict, but as a collaborative step
00:15:43.740 --> 00:15:46.419
to help that other person. If you want to be
00:15:46.419 --> 00:15:49.980
elite at this, the best people I know don't make
00:15:49.980 --> 00:15:53.320
statements. They actually ask curious questions,
00:15:53.480 --> 00:15:58.179
and it's gold. And here's a bonus one. Try a
00:15:58.179 --> 00:16:01.240
listening audit this week. Notice where you're
00:16:01.240 --> 00:16:03.700
wanting to speak versus seeking to understand,
00:16:04.059 --> 00:16:07.289
and then make the switch. You'll love it. It'll
00:16:07.289 --> 00:16:11.289
really make a difference. So let's recap. Today,
00:16:11.370 --> 00:16:14.149
we talked about transformation being ongoing,
00:16:14.429 --> 00:16:18.070
refinement, not arrival. Remember, not perfectionism,
00:16:18.090 --> 00:16:21.690
but a pursuit of excellence. We are anchoring
00:16:21.690 --> 00:16:24.029
that identity into something deeper than performance.
00:16:24.590 --> 00:16:27.070
And this will help you stop treating relationships
00:16:27.070 --> 00:16:30.750
like transactions. My people pleasers out there,
00:16:30.870 --> 00:16:33.450
you know what I'm talking about. Serving people
00:16:33.450 --> 00:16:36.500
to get your needs met. We'll save that for another
00:16:36.500 --> 00:16:40.480
episode. So start here by using these concepts
00:16:40.480 --> 00:16:44.000
as a training ground for grace, truth, and growth
00:16:44.000 --> 00:16:47.179
in your relationships. Doing this regularly changes
00:16:47.179 --> 00:16:50.000
everything, especially how you show up for people.
00:16:50.200 --> 00:16:53.039
Trust me, they'll notice. Be sure to join us
00:16:53.039 --> 00:16:54.960
next week because we're going to talk about gratitude
00:16:54.960 --> 00:16:58.620
as a strategy, training the brain to see good.
00:16:59.200 --> 00:17:01.600
Next week, we'll move from emotional regulation
00:17:01.600 --> 00:17:05.640
to emotional training. Gratitude isn't just positive
00:17:05.640 --> 00:17:09.339
vibes or a feeling. It's a practice that rewires
00:17:09.339 --> 00:17:12.839
attention, reduces reactivity, and accelerates
00:17:12.839 --> 00:17:16.380
trust at work, at home, with your relationships,
00:17:16.559 --> 00:17:19.859
and even yourself. I'll show you a five -minute
00:17:19.859 --> 00:17:23.460
daily drill to turn gratitude into a neurological
00:17:23.460 --> 00:17:26.799
superpower. Thanks for listening to the Optimizing
00:17:26.799 --> 00:17:29.559
Beyond podcast. Remember, growth happens when
00:17:29.559 --> 00:17:31.980
you take action. So subscribe, share this with
00:17:31.980 --> 00:17:34.619
a friend, and most importantly, put what you
00:17:34.619 --> 00:17:37.460
learned into practice. Until next time, keep
00:17:37.460 --> 00:17:40.519
moving forward, because daily anything changes
00:17:40.519 --> 00:17:41.140
everything.
00:00:01.940 --> 00:00:05.179
Welcome to the Optimizing Beyond podcast. I'm
00:00:05.179 --> 00:00:07.379
Josh Negron, and this show's all about sharing
00:00:07.379 --> 00:00:11.099
lessons, ideas, and strategies that sharpen your
00:00:11.099 --> 00:00:13.939
thinking, strengthen your habits, and push you
00:00:13.939 --> 00:00:17.019
to grow beyond comfort zones. Let's dive in.
00:00:21.179 --> 00:00:24.239
Last week we talked about discipline, and today
00:00:24.239 --> 00:00:26.820
we're exploring how that same intentionality
00:00:27.149 --> 00:00:29.829
Transforms our relationships from transactional
00:00:29.829 --> 00:00:33.509
to truly transformational. We'll unpack listening
00:00:33.509 --> 00:00:37.490
versus hearing, value alignment, emotional intelligence
00:00:37.490 --> 00:00:40.490
and hard conversations, and how to coach with
00:00:40.490 --> 00:00:43.329
curiosity. With the goal to build relationships
00:00:43.329 --> 00:00:46.990
that grow people together and forward, not just
00:00:46.990 --> 00:00:50.530
for the outcomes. It's possible that most relationships
00:00:50.530 --> 00:00:53.590
fail not because of conflict, but because they
00:00:53.590 --> 00:00:57.390
stop transforming and communicating. And we're
00:00:57.390 --> 00:01:00.570
going to talk about how curiosity is the currency
00:01:00.570 --> 00:01:04.969
of transformation. Let's get into it. There's
00:01:04.969 --> 00:01:07.629
a pretty big difference between listening and
00:01:07.629 --> 00:01:11.989
hearing. Connection begins when we feel understood.
00:01:12.730 --> 00:01:15.590
We've all talked to someone who really doesn't
00:01:15.590 --> 00:01:18.469
seem very interested in what we're saying or
00:01:18.469 --> 00:01:21.069
doesn't seem to be listening. You can feel it
00:01:21.069 --> 00:01:23.209
almost instantly. They're nodding, but they're
00:01:23.209 --> 00:01:27.069
just not with you. True communication transcends
00:01:27.069 --> 00:01:29.590
just hearing words. It's about understanding
00:01:29.590 --> 00:01:32.689
the message. It's a two -way street where feedback
00:01:32.689 --> 00:01:36.870
and clarification are vital. I've recently heard
00:01:36.870 --> 00:01:40.250
it put this way. You always have the right to
00:01:40.250 --> 00:01:43.170
ask clarifying questions because that's how you
00:01:43.170 --> 00:01:45.430
gain clarity and avoid getting stuck in assumptions.
00:01:45.989 --> 00:01:49.390
Sounds simple enough, but what keeps us from
00:01:49.390 --> 00:01:52.370
actually asking more questions? I think it's
00:01:52.370 --> 00:01:55.370
things like fear. or annoyance. We've all been
00:01:55.370 --> 00:01:57.810
there. When you ask too many questions of your
00:01:57.810 --> 00:02:00.230
significant other, or maybe your boss, and that
00:02:00.230 --> 00:02:01.950
other person gets irritated with you, you're
00:02:01.950 --> 00:02:03.689
like, fine, I'm not asking any more questions.
00:02:03.969 --> 00:02:06.590
But think about the alternative. What happens
00:02:06.590 --> 00:02:09.530
if you don't ask? That's right, assumptions.
00:02:09.949 --> 00:02:13.569
And we all know what that makes you. Assumptions
00:02:13.569 --> 00:02:16.849
replace communication and quietly degrades it
00:02:16.849 --> 00:02:20.069
over time. Another key component of effective
00:02:20.069 --> 00:02:23.569
communication is active listening. This involves
00:02:23.569 --> 00:02:26.969
fully concentrating, understanding, and responding,
00:02:27.250 --> 00:02:31.550
and then remembering what was being said. It's
00:02:31.550 --> 00:02:33.389
not just about waiting for your turn to speak.
00:02:33.710 --> 00:02:36.629
Some great speakers like John Maxwell have reminders
00:02:36.629 --> 00:02:39.449
like this. One of the greatest gifts you can
00:02:39.449 --> 00:02:43.009
give someone is the gift of your attention. And
00:02:43.009 --> 00:02:45.990
for my leaders out there, he says, leaders listen,
00:02:46.189 --> 00:02:52.129
learn, then lead. In that order, of course. Another
00:02:52.129 --> 00:02:54.949
important ingredient is that communication is
00:02:54.949 --> 00:02:58.569
incomplete without feedback. It confirms your
00:02:58.569 --> 00:03:01.509
message landed the way you intended, and if it
00:03:01.509 --> 00:03:04.770
didn't, it gives you a chance to adjust. One
00:03:04.770 --> 00:03:07.710
of my favorites is customer service reps, because
00:03:07.710 --> 00:03:10.969
they're trained to repeat what you say and summarize
00:03:10.969 --> 00:03:13.770
it to make sure they understand what they need
00:03:13.770 --> 00:03:16.750
to be working on for you. Now, that's super helpful
00:03:16.750 --> 00:03:20.229
when you have a seven paragraph statement and
00:03:20.229 --> 00:03:23.330
story about what's going on. They have to work
00:03:23.330 --> 00:03:25.669
kind of hard to summarize that for you. But I
00:03:25.669 --> 00:03:27.849
find it humorous when you're calling in and they
00:03:27.849 --> 00:03:30.629
say, how can I help you? And you say, well, I
00:03:30.629 --> 00:03:32.750
have some questions about my bill. And their
00:03:32.750 --> 00:03:35.189
response is, so if I understand you correctly,
00:03:35.469 --> 00:03:37.710
you have some questions on your bill. Did I get
00:03:37.710 --> 00:03:41.430
that right? And it's just comical because I literally
00:03:41.430 --> 00:03:45.229
just said that, right? When someone does this
00:03:45.229 --> 00:03:48.650
well, it's helpful when it's appropriate. But
00:03:48.650 --> 00:03:51.550
conversely, if someone doesn't do this well or
00:03:51.550 --> 00:03:53.930
doesn't do this at all, what if something didn't
00:03:53.930 --> 00:03:57.289
quite land well and they don't clarify? And that's
00:03:57.289 --> 00:03:59.810
where misunderstandings come into play. In your
00:03:59.810 --> 00:04:02.490
next conversation, practice active listening.
00:04:02.650 --> 00:04:05.250
Pay attention not just to the words but also
00:04:05.250 --> 00:04:07.909
the nonverbal cues because so much communication
00:04:07.909 --> 00:04:11.270
isn't just verbal. And ask for feedback to ensure
00:04:11.270 --> 00:04:14.039
your message was received as intended. Here's
00:04:14.039 --> 00:04:16.620
some things you can say. So what I hear you saying
00:04:16.620 --> 00:04:21.439
is, did I get that right? Or are you saying,
00:04:21.540 --> 00:04:24.819
summarize what you think they're saying. And
00:04:24.819 --> 00:04:27.199
then here's an extra one. Like if you're hurt
00:04:27.199 --> 00:04:30.699
or currently upset by someone, you can say something
00:04:30.699 --> 00:04:34.660
like this. When you did or said, insert here,
00:04:34.879 --> 00:04:39.680
it made me feel like this. Is that how you wanted
00:04:39.680 --> 00:04:44.459
me to feel? This shows them your perspective
00:04:44.459 --> 00:04:47.500
without immediately blaming them or attacking
00:04:47.500 --> 00:04:50.959
them personally. It lets them hear that before
00:04:50.959 --> 00:04:54.800
getting defensive and can help them respond typically
00:04:54.800 --> 00:04:58.160
in no and then clarify what they were trying
00:04:58.160 --> 00:05:00.579
to say and hopefully helping you guys understand
00:05:00.579 --> 00:05:03.379
each other better. Speaking of tough conversations,
00:05:03.800 --> 00:05:08.279
listening is the discipline. Empathy is the posture.
00:05:08.480 --> 00:05:10.620
Let's bring them together in these hard moments.
00:05:11.199 --> 00:05:13.920
This is where emotional intelligence and grace
00:05:13.920 --> 00:05:17.399
in hard conversations come into play. Seeking
00:05:17.399 --> 00:05:19.720
to understand before seeking to be understood.
00:05:19.839 --> 00:05:23.100
That order really matters. Instead of assuming
00:05:23.100 --> 00:05:27.199
negative intent, start with curiosity. Ask questions,
00:05:27.399 --> 00:05:29.759
learn their logic behind their words or behavior.
00:05:30.139 --> 00:05:34.079
That posture gives the gift of humility. It honors
00:05:34.079 --> 00:05:36.399
that they might have a valid different perspective
00:05:36.399 --> 00:05:39.480
that maybe you hadn't considered. By starting
00:05:39.480 --> 00:05:42.279
with positive intent, you extend grace and create
00:05:42.279 --> 00:05:45.240
space that maybe there's a reason they're being
00:05:45.240 --> 00:05:48.339
unpleasant, annoying, or yeah, even hurtful.
00:05:48.879 --> 00:05:51.660
Patiently wait with patience and grace, yes,
00:05:51.839 --> 00:05:55.759
double on purpose, to see if it's an isolated
00:05:55.759 --> 00:05:59.180
event or the beginning of a pattern, at which
00:05:59.180 --> 00:06:01.860
point a courageous conversation is going to be
00:06:01.860 --> 00:06:04.259
necessary. Most types of conflict don't even
00:06:04.259 --> 00:06:06.439
make me anxious anymore. And I'm proud of that
00:06:06.439 --> 00:06:09.360
growth. But here's something I'll say. I've also
00:06:09.360 --> 00:06:12.180
learned the discernment of the times to choose
00:06:12.180 --> 00:06:15.319
not to have conflict. Not because I'm avoiding
00:06:15.319 --> 00:06:18.339
it, because I recognize the issue is actually
00:06:18.339 --> 00:06:22.100
me. Rather than trouble the other person or give
00:06:22.100 --> 00:06:25.319
them a complex, I challenge myself to adjust
00:06:25.319 --> 00:06:29.040
or just simply let it go. A lot of pet peeves
00:06:29.040 --> 00:06:32.199
are this way. For me, I have a hard time when
00:06:32.199 --> 00:06:35.240
people chew or drink loudly when there's not
00:06:35.240 --> 00:06:37.819
a lot of ambient sound. So restaurants, coffee
00:06:37.819 --> 00:06:40.639
shops, I'm usually okay. But if it's a more intimate
00:06:40.639 --> 00:06:44.800
setting, sometimes that can really flare up and
00:06:44.800 --> 00:06:48.579
it can really be disruptive if I say things,
00:06:48.740 --> 00:06:52.300
particularly when you're irritated, you may not
00:06:52.300 --> 00:06:54.800
communicate, hey, you're being a little loud
00:06:54.800 --> 00:06:57.279
when you eat. Usually it's a little more abrupt
00:06:57.279 --> 00:06:59.339
than that. The way my wife and I have solved
00:06:59.339 --> 00:07:02.199
this is when we eat dinner, we usually put something
00:07:02.199 --> 00:07:04.420
on in the background, like maybe some music or
00:07:04.420 --> 00:07:07.540
a TV show for that matter. And that way, if she
00:07:07.540 --> 00:07:10.379
is chewing or drinking loudly, I don't even hear
00:07:10.379 --> 00:07:13.120
it. It helps me not get irritated and it helps
00:07:13.120 --> 00:07:15.540
her not have a complex, get self -conscious about
00:07:15.540 --> 00:07:18.259
it. Because I know most times it's me. So I just
00:07:18.259 --> 00:07:20.899
try to find ways to let it go. Because even addressing
00:07:20.899 --> 00:07:23.319
it kindly could make that person second guess
00:07:23.319 --> 00:07:26.709
themselves. This is emotional intelligence. It's
00:07:26.709 --> 00:07:29.110
the ability to understand and manage your own
00:07:29.110 --> 00:07:33.589
emotions and how you respond to others. Empathy
00:07:33.589 --> 00:07:37.310
and understanding create that connection. A pro
00:07:37.310 --> 00:07:40.129
tip here is, as emotions rise, if you can feel
00:07:40.129 --> 00:07:43.329
yourself amping up, try to deepen your breathing.
00:07:43.689 --> 00:07:46.730
I would recommend you do this quietly because
00:07:46.730 --> 00:07:49.129
a big dramatic sigh in the middle of a tough
00:07:49.129 --> 00:07:53.290
conflict may not work out too well. And also,
00:07:53.740 --> 00:07:56.920
Remember to allow them to have emotions. They're
00:07:56.920 --> 00:07:59.920
allowed to feel. You're responsible not for their
00:07:59.920 --> 00:08:03.819
emotions, but for your response to them. Now,
00:08:03.920 --> 00:08:07.439
if someone offers you candid feedback, I recommend
00:08:07.439 --> 00:08:10.220
you reward it. This is how you get more of it.
00:08:10.259 --> 00:08:13.560
If you react defensively or shut it down, you'll
00:08:13.560 --> 00:08:16.339
train people to either never give you feedback
00:08:16.339 --> 00:08:20.259
or just become yes -men and tell you what they
00:08:20.259 --> 00:08:23.500
think you want to hear. Leaders, listen up. You
00:08:23.500 --> 00:08:26.300
need to cultivate a culture of feedback, not
00:08:26.300 --> 00:08:30.240
a culture of fear. When we align on that and
00:08:30.240 --> 00:08:33.519
we take in feedback, conflict can become collaboration.
00:08:33.799 --> 00:08:37.320
This type of value alignment creates a shared
00:08:37.320 --> 00:08:40.539
direction. This moves us from competing agendas
00:08:40.539 --> 00:08:43.399
to a shared mission. It also gets easier the
00:08:43.399 --> 00:08:46.159
more they know you care. You may have heard before,
00:08:46.379 --> 00:08:48.879
they don't care how much you know until they
00:08:48.879 --> 00:08:51.879
know how much you care. You also can't mentor
00:08:51.879 --> 00:08:55.460
someone if you're not close to them. So, work
00:08:55.460 --> 00:08:58.340
together towards something you both value. It's
00:08:58.340 --> 00:09:00.340
easier to find harmony when you're rowing in
00:09:00.340 --> 00:09:03.759
the same direction. This value alignment creates
00:09:03.759 --> 00:09:07.980
acceleration towards growth or resolution, whichever
00:09:07.980 --> 00:09:10.480
you're looking for. And that shared direction
00:09:10.480 --> 00:09:14.440
reduces friction. With these values, coaching
00:09:14.440 --> 00:09:18.379
becomes a conversation, not a command or an order.
00:09:19.080 --> 00:09:21.960
But in these coaching moments, it's super important
00:09:21.960 --> 00:09:25.600
to ask before you advise. This type of curiosity
00:09:25.600 --> 00:09:29.500
earns influence because advice without context
00:09:29.500 --> 00:09:32.740
erodes trust. People aren't interested. This
00:09:32.740 --> 00:09:35.559
is where that early listening pays off. When
00:09:35.559 --> 00:09:38.580
people feel heard, when you offer advice, they're
00:09:38.580 --> 00:09:41.990
far more open to it. If you've ever had any conversation
00:09:41.990 --> 00:09:45.129
with anyone, you know that perspectives are diverse.
00:09:45.470 --> 00:09:48.809
So remember, listen actively and try to understand
00:09:48.809 --> 00:09:51.610
their view. Don't wait for your turn to talk,
00:09:51.730 --> 00:09:54.269
just be present. People feel valued when they
00:09:54.269 --> 00:09:57.149
feel understood. Ask clarifying questions and
00:09:57.149 --> 00:09:59.970
acknowledge their valid points. A little curiosity
00:09:59.970 --> 00:10:03.090
goes a long way. Dig deeper and give credit where
00:10:03.090 --> 00:10:05.830
it's due. And if you've got a counterpoint or
00:10:05.830 --> 00:10:08.889
a hard truth you need to communicate, Bring evidence
00:10:08.889 --> 00:10:11.450
and avoid being dismissive of their feelings
00:10:11.450 --> 00:10:14.690
or emotions. Facts don't have to be a slap in
00:10:14.690 --> 00:10:17.750
the face. Share truth with kindness and respect.
00:10:18.350 --> 00:10:21.070
Maybe they've never considered what you're offering,
00:10:21.230 --> 00:10:23.509
so give them room to wrestle with it and maybe
00:10:23.509 --> 00:10:26.309
even push back a little. The right environment
00:10:26.309 --> 00:10:29.370
makes these habits normal. That's where identity
00:10:29.370 --> 00:10:32.809
and community matter so much. Transformation
00:10:32.809 --> 00:10:36.519
happens when reflection meets that honesty. This
00:10:36.519 --> 00:10:39.340
is where identity, belonging, and community all
00:10:39.340 --> 00:10:42.379
come together. Because you become like the people
00:10:42.379 --> 00:10:45.159
you're consistently around. So many successful
00:10:45.159 --> 00:10:47.840
people say, show me your closest five people
00:10:47.840 --> 00:10:51.200
and I'll show you your future. If you're not
00:10:51.200 --> 00:10:53.720
challenged and learning regularly in the rooms
00:10:53.720 --> 00:10:56.559
you're in, you may need to find a different room.
00:10:56.700 --> 00:10:59.399
If you're the biggest fish in the pond, hey,
00:10:59.559 --> 00:11:03.309
find a different pond. I talk often about the
00:11:03.309 --> 00:11:06.110
importance of community and your tribe because
00:11:06.110 --> 00:11:09.250
it's so invaluable. Community can completely
00:11:09.250 --> 00:11:12.649
change your life. Trust me, I know. That's one
00:11:12.649 --> 00:11:15.029
of the things it's for. And when talking about
00:11:15.029 --> 00:11:17.929
this, I often think about iron sharpening iron.
00:11:18.149 --> 00:11:21.149
It isn't just a slogan. It's a way of life. But
00:11:21.149 --> 00:11:25.009
even in that meaning, it induces friction. It
00:11:25.009 --> 00:11:28.190
means I'm open to being refined and willing to
00:11:28.190 --> 00:11:31.340
refine others with grace. You can build that
00:11:31.340 --> 00:11:34.679
skill and then protect it. It's so valuable.
00:11:34.919 --> 00:11:37.860
Here are some fundamentals to help keep conversations
00:11:37.860 --> 00:11:42.360
clear and healthy. So here are three great ways
00:11:42.360 --> 00:11:45.960
to keep your conversations clear. Number one,
00:11:45.960 --> 00:11:50.519
use a clear tone. Being concise prevents confusion.
00:11:51.100 --> 00:11:53.639
It's not about fancy words. It's about being
00:11:53.639 --> 00:11:56.679
straightforward and understandable. For example,
00:11:56.820 --> 00:11:58.700
if you're the kind of person that rambles on,
00:11:59.389 --> 00:12:01.409
You can really send multiple different messages.
00:12:01.610 --> 00:12:04.750
You risk contradicting yourself or even just
00:12:04.750 --> 00:12:07.509
not getting to the heart of the issue. The second
00:12:07.509 --> 00:12:11.250
is be responsible and aware of your body language.
00:12:11.750 --> 00:12:14.870
Remember, a huge portion of communication is
00:12:14.870 --> 00:12:19.269
nonverbal. Tone, posture, eye contact, they often
00:12:19.269 --> 00:12:22.210
say way more than your words. If someone calls
00:12:22.210 --> 00:12:24.590
out that your body language is actually communicating
00:12:24.590 --> 00:12:27.490
something different than what you expect, practice
00:12:27.490 --> 00:12:30.519
humility. Just because you didn't say it doesn't
00:12:30.519 --> 00:12:33.440
mean you didn't send it. Stay curious and ask
00:12:33.440 --> 00:12:37.059
questions. And number three, practice global
00:12:37.059 --> 00:12:41.039
awareness. In a diverse world, respect cultural
00:12:41.039 --> 00:12:45.059
differences. In a diverse world, be aware of
00:12:45.059 --> 00:12:47.919
cultural differences in communication. For example,
00:12:48.059 --> 00:12:51.139
the easiest one is humor doesn't always translate
00:12:51.139 --> 00:12:54.139
to different cultures or languages. So keep a
00:12:54.139 --> 00:12:57.480
humble learning posture. So let's land this with
00:12:57.480 --> 00:13:00.679
a simple practice you can use this week. We've
00:13:00.679 --> 00:13:03.039
talked about how relationships thrive on curiosity,
00:13:03.080 --> 00:13:07.720
not control, listening before advising, aligning
00:13:07.720 --> 00:13:10.419
on values, and speaking with grace that turns
00:13:10.419 --> 00:13:13.740
conflict into growth and conversations into transformation.
00:13:14.100 --> 00:13:17.379
We also discussed how mutual refinement, that
00:13:17.379 --> 00:13:20.360
iron sharpens iron dynamic, happens when attention,
00:13:20.779 --> 00:13:24.230
empathy, and truth work together. The more you're
00:13:24.230 --> 00:13:26.470
willing to press into this uncomfortable process,
00:13:26.590 --> 00:13:29.330
the more exponential growth you can experience
00:13:29.330 --> 00:13:34.210
together. So here's a practical playbook on transformational
00:13:34.210 --> 00:13:38.029
relationships. Number one, pause before reacting.
00:13:38.210 --> 00:13:42.830
Use things like breath and curiosity to shift
00:13:42.830 --> 00:13:46.210
from reaction to reflection and then respond.
00:13:46.669 --> 00:13:50.169
Count to three before replying in a heated moment.
00:13:50.470 --> 00:13:55.039
Number two. Assume positive intent. When a message
00:13:55.039 --> 00:13:58.539
feels harsh, ask for clarity before you assume
00:13:58.539 --> 00:14:02.039
anything. Curiosity and humility helps lower
00:14:02.039 --> 00:14:06.259
walls. And number three, reflect and refine.
00:14:06.740 --> 00:14:10.120
End each week by reviewing one interaction that
00:14:10.120 --> 00:14:12.480
you could improve, and then journal about it.
00:14:12.580 --> 00:14:15.720
Ask yourself, where did I react instead of respond?
00:14:16.519 --> 00:14:18.899
And now let's cover a few objections or myths
00:14:18.899 --> 00:14:22.539
about relationships. Number one is strong relationships
00:14:22.539 --> 00:14:26.919
mean always agreeing or avoiding conflicts to
00:14:26.919 --> 00:14:30.740
maintain peace. I don't think so. True peace
00:14:30.740 --> 00:14:33.919
is built through honesty and grace. Conflict
00:14:33.919 --> 00:14:37.360
handled well deepens trust. It's the difference
00:14:37.360 --> 00:14:40.919
between peacekeeping and peacemaking. Peacekeeping
00:14:40.919 --> 00:14:44.220
avoids conflict to keep the peace. Peacemaking
00:14:44.220 --> 00:14:48.360
means you have to address what's going on. Next
00:14:48.360 --> 00:14:51.340
is to lead well, you must always give more than
00:14:51.340 --> 00:14:54.940
you receive. This is something I hear a lot of
00:14:54.940 --> 00:14:58.120
leaders do. They put themselves last. They don't
00:14:58.120 --> 00:14:59.879
take care of themselves very well because they're
00:14:59.879 --> 00:15:02.059
always serving everyone else. And eventually
00:15:02.059 --> 00:15:05.019
they just run out of time. You can't keep pouring
00:15:05.019 --> 00:15:07.000
out of a container if you're not pouring back
00:15:07.000 --> 00:15:10.100
into. So healthy leaders know to allow themselves
00:15:10.100 --> 00:15:13.990
to be poured into. from mentors to healthy relationships
00:15:13.990 --> 00:15:18.350
to practicing intentional rest and more. Here's
00:15:18.350 --> 00:15:21.769
your challenge this week. Ask before you advise.
00:15:22.289 --> 00:15:25.210
In your next meaningful conversation, I want
00:15:25.210 --> 00:15:27.769
you to ask three open -ended questions before
00:15:27.769 --> 00:15:31.549
offering any advice. Then, reflect on what you
00:15:31.549 --> 00:15:34.250
heard. Say things like, here's what I'm hearing.
00:15:34.450 --> 00:15:37.950
Did I get that right? And then, if advice is
00:15:37.950 --> 00:15:40.720
welcome, Share it with kindness and evidence,
00:15:40.980 --> 00:15:43.740
not as a verdict, but as a collaborative step
00:15:43.740 --> 00:15:46.419
to help that other person. If you want to be
00:15:46.419 --> 00:15:49.980
elite at this, the best people I know don't make
00:15:49.980 --> 00:15:53.320
statements. They actually ask curious questions,
00:15:53.480 --> 00:15:58.179
and it's gold. And here's a bonus one. Try a
00:15:58.179 --> 00:16:01.240
listening audit this week. Notice where you're
00:16:01.240 --> 00:16:03.700
wanting to speak versus seeking to understand,
00:16:04.059 --> 00:16:07.289
and then make the switch. You'll love it. It'll
00:16:07.289 --> 00:16:11.289
really make a difference. So let's recap. Today,
00:16:11.370 --> 00:16:14.149
we talked about transformation being ongoing,
00:16:14.429 --> 00:16:18.070
refinement, not arrival. Remember, not perfectionism,
00:16:18.090 --> 00:16:21.690
but a pursuit of excellence. We are anchoring
00:16:21.690 --> 00:16:24.029
that identity into something deeper than performance.
00:16:24.590 --> 00:16:27.070
And this will help you stop treating relationships
00:16:27.070 --> 00:16:30.750
like transactions. My people pleasers out there,
00:16:30.870 --> 00:16:33.450
you know what I'm talking about. Serving people
00:16:33.450 --> 00:16:36.500
to get your needs met. We'll save that for another
00:16:36.500 --> 00:16:40.480
episode. So start here by using these concepts
00:16:40.480 --> 00:16:44.000
as a training ground for grace, truth, and growth
00:16:44.000 --> 00:16:47.179
in your relationships. Doing this regularly changes
00:16:47.179 --> 00:16:50.000
everything, especially how you show up for people.
00:16:50.200 --> 00:16:53.039
Trust me, they'll notice. Be sure to join us
00:16:53.039 --> 00:16:54.960
next week because we're going to talk about gratitude
00:16:54.960 --> 00:16:58.620
as a strategy, training the brain to see good.
00:16:59.200 --> 00:17:01.600
Next week, we'll move from emotional regulation
00:17:01.600 --> 00:17:05.640
to emotional training. Gratitude isn't just positive
00:17:05.640 --> 00:17:09.339
vibes or a feeling. It's a practice that rewires
00:17:09.339 --> 00:17:12.839
attention, reduces reactivity, and accelerates
00:17:12.839 --> 00:17:16.380
trust at work, at home, with your relationships,
00:17:16.559 --> 00:17:19.859
and even yourself. I'll show you a five -minute
00:17:19.859 --> 00:17:23.460
daily drill to turn gratitude into a neurological
00:17:23.460 --> 00:17:26.799
superpower. Thanks for listening to the Optimizing
00:17:26.799 --> 00:17:29.559
Beyond podcast. Remember, growth happens when
00:17:29.559 --> 00:17:31.980
you take action. So subscribe, share this with
00:17:31.980 --> 00:17:34.619
a friend, and most importantly, put what you
00:17:34.619 --> 00:17:37.460
learned into practice. Until next time, keep
00:17:37.460 --> 00:17:40.519
moving forward, because daily anything changes
00:17:40.519 --> 00:17:41.140
everything.
