spk_1: 0:00
way. Welcome to just breathe podcast focused on transforming conversation and support you on your journey with your LGBT two left one. You are not alone. Welcome to just breathe parenting your LGBT Q. Thine My name is Heather Hester, and I am excited to be with you to transform the conversation around loving and raising an LGBT Q. Child wherever you are on this journey. Right now, in this moment in time, you are not alone. So I'm really, really excited to share this episode with you that Connor and I put together. We had so much fun writing and recording, and we want you to know that each of the tips that we share come from the heart and come from our personal experience. A quick side note Before we begin, I apologize in advance if the sound quality is a little bit off. In this episode, Connor and I were experimenting with a new interview program that I wanted to try, and it definitely required a little bit of trialling air. So my apologies hang in there with us. There's lots of good content and without further ado parents, here are a few things your team wants you to know. Enjoy. So I'm very excited to have Connor with us today with me today. And, um, one of the things that many, many people have asked as I've been doing this podcast and as I've been doing different writings, um, is if Connor is okay with us. So I thought it I thought I would ask honor, since he's here on the phone, um, with us today, Thio to give you your thought or his thoughts on that. So, what are you Are you okay with me doing this?
spk_0: 2:23
Um I mean, this is like, Honestly, today was the first time I had heard about you doing this, so I was a little taken aback, but I guess I'm glad that it's working out for you jokes. Yes, of course. I think it is totally fine. I've given my whole permission slash consent. Such whatever word you prefer.
spk_1: 2:42
Good. Thank you. Thank you. I appreciate it because this is this is, you know, this is your story and and our story as a family, but a lot of it is very personal and, um, very emotional. So I do want everybody out there to know that Connor is fully on board with us, and I do run a lot of things by Connor. Ah, behind the scenes as I'm working through shows that I want to dio and writing that I want to D'oh! So I'm so glad that you're here today and that we're doing the show together. Um, Connor and I thought I'd be really, really fun and helpful for everyone out there to dio I show on what your teenager wants you to know and things that are just really, really important. Thio say to them to ask them thio not say to them to not ask them. And we're both gonna kind of weigh in on our thoughts on each of these And, um, you know, you'll know along the way all of the mistakes that I've made as a parent on dhe ways that we've reconnected and communicated better and and learned along the way. So, um, our 1st 1 and kind of the biggest one. And I know I've mentioned this one as I have started telling our story, but, uh, number one is Don't ask them if they are sure. And I know counter has something. Has a lot of thoughts on this. So I'm gonna go ahead and let you weigh in on this one. Connor.
spk_0: 4:24
Um so I think that that's kind of that was like when you first asked, um, if I was interested in doing a show together, that this waas the primary one that I want to address because it's definitely, you know, I feel like that's like a natural reaction is a parent of like, you know, you have this expectation of your child being one way and, you know, sometimes more it's more of a surprise. And when it is, it's like completely changing your expectations of, you know, the future of your child's life, at least from your perspective. So but from the perspective of the child is very easy, not discouraging. But it's like you want your It's a very, very, very fragile moment for you to be telling your parents on. And, uh, you really only want to be mad with your encouragement positivity rather that, you know, questioning on making you falter. You know, stuff of that sort.
spk_1: 5:24
And I think the other thing Thio this is always stuck with me. You've said this to me, and I've I've read this different places. Um, when your child comes out to you and your team comes out to you, this isn't something that, as just, you know, they've given 30 seconds thought to that. This is something they've given a ton of thought to it. It takes so much courage for them to tell you that Yes, of course they're sure. Oh, my goodness. They wouldn't, you know, tell you otherwise. You know, just I know that's as a parent. That is our Oh, my gosh. Are you sure? Well, yes, I promise you, they are sure. Um, so thank you. Thank you, Connor, for for your thoughts on that. Because that's that. That was a really, really big one. And I know both Steve and I have been like, Oh, my gosh, I can't believe we asked that. It's like those worst. We're so sorry. Um, so the 2nd 1 that we came up with is, um tell them that it doesn't change how you see them, and, um, and how much you love them and that, you know, by that obviously, things will shift as faras Ah, you know what you need to learn and what your child is going through, but that the really important stuff that you're deep, unconditional love for your child, your support of your child. Just make sure that they know that it's not gonna change. That doesn't change at all and just can't normalize it by, you know, I like I tell Connor all the time. You know this There's we've been through a lot of stuff. I'm I'm still his mom, and he's he's still my kid. And, you know, I'll always been my kid and always be asthma. And I will always love him unconditionally, no matter what goes on. So this is a really important thing to make sure that your child really, really understands. Connor, do you have anything you'd like to add?
spk_0: 7:35
Yeah. I mean, I think the biggest thing is, um, you know, just knowing that we that your parents still care for used to love you still see don't see you any differently, other than the fact that you're expressing yourself to a truer extent than you were before. Um, but I think that was goes along with that is, you know, we are so afraid even today, but more so, you know, earlier generations have been so afraid to come out because all we see are these. You know, these horror stories of people coming out and getting thrown out into the streets because, yeah, there are still bad people out there, and I'm going to call them bad people because they aren't capable of loving their child just because their child expressing themselves in their truest self. Um, the most authentic self. And, you know, I think there's a base understanding that if you're listening to this podcast, you wouldn't do that to your child. So, you know, congratulations. You're not a bad person. Um, but yeah, I guess that's it. I just I think you really need to, like, let your child no, just, like be until they're annoyed with anything. You know, just really hammer at home that you do not see them any differently. You're just like that. You are happy for them. And that's all you should be. Is happy that they're able to express themselves, and they're comfortable expressing themselves around you.
spk_1: 8:53
I think that's a really, really good point. Yeah, 1st 1st of all, welcome to a show with with a teenager who says exactly what they think so. Um, you know, just your buckle, your seat belts. I did tell Carter he wasn't allowed to swear on this, because then we'd have to read it differently. But other than that, you are going to get some his true, authentic thoughts on things. Um, but yes, he's he is right about you. You can't say it enough. And, um and don't worry about annoying them or overdoing it because especially right at the beginning, they're just gonna soak it up. And that's exactly what they need from you. And and even you know where Connor is now. I mean, you know, I say things to him all the time. I don't really care if it annoys him, because I know deep inside, he really loves it. So, uh,
spk_0: 9:50
yeah, How's Dave? Estimation? It's never about.
spk_1: 9:54
That's right. Exactly. So on to next one, um, and I love this one for so many reasons is, uh, establishing boundaries. I have begun to talk about this a little bit. I think in the last podcast, I dinner the one before talking about the importance of boundaries. But this is really, really important. Both for you as a parent and for your teenager. Be very clear on what your boundaries are, Um, so that both of you are comfortable with whatever it is that you're discussing. And that's not to say that you're not gonna have really uncomfortable discussions, because I promise you you will. But the more clear that you could be and and just really honest about what you are able to discuss or, you know, there are certain things that we as parents, just don't need to know. It's not gonna help anything. It's not gonna help us. Some poor, our child better. It's not goingto help them if we know it. Um, and vice versa. Connor, what would you I know you have some thoughts on this too.
spk_0: 11:01
Yes, I do. Ah,
spk_1: 11:03
So I think
spk_0: 11:04
you know, the biggest way this, like boundaries is obviously a very broad thing. But you know, you're coming out being apart. The LGBT community, in one form or another, is connected to, you know, sexual or gender expression and what that means to you, which typically done surrounds, you know, love in dating and relationships. And, you know, just the way that you outwardly express yourself and really express yourself um so it's a lot of really personal and touchy subject the subjects that you know a lot of people don't want to discuss with their parents, especially not when they're like, newly the closet and still figuring out what their identity is, too, that you shouldn't treat them any different. The sense that you shouldn't treat it any differently than if you were having a straight child. You know you're not gonna ask your straight child if they're, you know, having sex. Or maybe you will, but like you should probably avoid it. Um, and you know, like you don't fry and to knowing you know exactly who they like and exactly like. That might not be something that your kids comfortable left, so I guess week without getting too into it, you will need to have some confrontation and some tough conversations or awkward conversations at least. But I can say that by having these conversations with my parents and setting boundaries and being very clear about what I am comfortable talking about and what I'm not so comfortable talking about. It is made discussing things today especially so much easier and so much less stressful and were able to communicate effectively without having to worry about, you know, offending one another or are you just It's It's a lot easier. Trust me.
spk_1: 12:42
Yes, I would definitely agree with that. And, um and that's come with a lot of messing up a life away, right?
spk_0: 12:52
You knew it was intense of family therapy to a great place. Conversationally, it turns out,
spk_1: 12:58
has. But you know, I will. I will tell you all that, um, you know, initially, when when Connor to come out to us. You know, we we did ask all of these questions. Is there somebody you're interested in? Do you like somebody at school way? Had we had so many questions and it wasn't because we were trying to get into his business. It was We were We were trying to wrap our heads around this, and we were also surprised it We were a little bit blindsided, right? So But it is, you know, like we had. We had initially said to Connor, you know, our rules for dating and what are the same for you as they would be for your sisters and nerve. You know, your little brother. And so it's and I think over the past three years, we have learned to ah lot. I think in general, like Connor said, you wouldn't ask details. Of course, you're not gonna ask your child details. You don't want to know details from your gay child any more than you want details from your straight child. However, what I will say is that you want your child to be safe. And so to that extent, that's kind of our job is the parent is to make sure that your child is safe and every possible way, not just when it comes to dating and two sex and to, you know, asking all these questions and knowing all the different things that are out there. Um, you know, it's part of the whole education process and just, um, you know, looking at this as another way that you are becoming educated, that, um, you know, I we both look at this as kind of the more you know, the better able to handle what comes at you and to be able to handle it and very calmly on and thoughtfully so right?
spk_0: 14:59
Yes, without going into crisis.
spk_1: 15:02
Yes,
spk_0: 15:03
operating in crisis doesn't work. We've proved that time and time again.
spk_1: 15:08
We've tried that route, and, uh, I'm not a big fan. I don't I don't think you are either.
spk_0: 15:16
Not really. Not much.
spk_1: 15:20
Oh, my gosh. So I like how this would kind of rolls into the next one, which is, um, it don't push for information. Um, and and that does work well with with setting boundaries, Um, you are going to have a 1,000,000 questions and on, and that's okay. And, you know, having questions is part of keeping an eye open dialogue and a transparent shylock. But once you start to push for answers, it's just not gonna work. Let them come to you When? When they're ready to discuss you. Just as long as you let them know that you are available that you are open, they they will come to you and talk to you when they already and I know Connor, you have some some good thoughts on, that's all. You go ahead.
spk_0: 16:16
Yeah. I mean, I think the like for me, the perspective, I would ask, you know, if your apparent, if you, whatever your relationship is, realize that for a lot of people, they're coming out journey and coming out of the closet. It's like one of their biggest secrets. They've had you up to that point in their life. Like I say, you know, at least from my perspective, let's say from my perspective, when I was 16 that was by far the biggest secret I was keeping from anyone's the fact that I was not, in fact straight, and I did not fit into that hole, you know, stair type of the North Shore. Um, so it was a really big deal when I eventually did come out. I mean, granted, the situation was interesting, but, you know, that was like telling my parents my biggest secret. But then after that, it became okay. Well, the next part is, you know, this component, my sexuality, you know, and this part about being gay and like the boundaries that I do want to set the stuff that I do want to tell them, like it kind of like Each part kind of becomes your big. It looks like the next biggest thing. And so but eventually it does get easier. You know, when you see your parents aren't reacting like radically, you're freaking out or you know, automatically trying to fix it or anything, but, like just taking what you're telling them, sitting with it and not reacting, not reacting in any way That's other than positive, you know, Uh, because then that builds up that trust in that relationship, like boundary like setting boundaries does. And it will make it. You know, you'll become a much more, um, just like a much more welcome person, too, for your child to come to like I know, especially my mom. It's like no being able to tell her things. And like when I have been struggling in the situation, being handled appropriately and without you're going into crisis mode has shown Okay, I can rely on my mom and my parents to help me through these things. Um, so is my long winded answer to that.
spk_1: 18:17
Now I fence that's very good on duh. It's really, really important. Um, and I think the other The only other thing that I wanted to add two is something that you and I talked about. You don't know the answers. They don't know all the answers yet. So, um, which is something that we forget? We don't know. All the answers. And so, you know, like Counter said, this is this is a huge, huge step for them to be able. Thio not only say it aloud to you as their parents, but thio kind of wrap their head around this realization. And, uh, this is who they are, and they don't necessarily know what comes next. They don't know that the next step. I mean, that's why there are all these steps to the coming out process, because it is, it's it. It's a major process, and it does take time. So this is just I think, you know, like Connor said, Like I said, just the biggest thing is to, you know, just be available and Thio let let them know that you're there and and you will you will end up having to do a lot of deep breathing. And that's okay. We like to know everything,
spk_0: 19:36
but it's a lot of change, You know? There's a lot of radical acceptance and radical change going on and
spk_1: 19:44
and radical love. Yes, you know. Oh, no. Oh, my gosh. Um, so our next thought our next idea that we wanted to pass along to you, um, is to work together as a team, you and your child, your parents and child, and allow your child to guide who they want to come out to and when, Um, and the really important thing I know depending on whether you had you knew that your child was gay and you were waiting for them to come out or if you were on the opposite end of the spectrum like we were and we had no idea. So, you know, we kind of went into this place of Oh, my goodness, it it's easy to get wrapped up in your own space of telling you who do I tell? Can I tell anybody? Should I tell anybody? What are they going to think this whole? This isn't about you. Yes, you are as a family experiencing this. And and this This is definitely part of the family experience, part of the parent child relationship experience. But remember that the coming out in and of itself, this is your child's. This is your teenagers. And so it's really important for you to really discuss this and be, you know, work together to decide. Okay, this is who we want to tell this is when and and let your child guide that this is not your story to tell. This is their story to tell. This is their story to share when they are ready to share it. Were just there supporting role, the support they air the lead actor here kind of anything that would liketo add to that.
spk_0: 21:37
It's like once again, it's like you and said, It's your child training. It's my journey. It's not your guys journey and there's, I think, I mean, at least from personal experience. Once again, I want to speak from personal experience that, you know, when I was told not that I was like told like, You can't come out to these people but like, you know, there were specific people that we had kind of decided, but it was more so like you guys had wanted and we're trying to start. But like you guys had wanted to maybe hold off on talking, mentioning it to, uh, you know, at least until we could kind of discuss it more, which was like, reasonable. But there is still that part that, like you, even though I could understand it logically, they're still not emotional part of my brain that thinking like Okay, well, I guess you know, like, that is something that, like, I do, I need to hire. You can seal that people won't accept and like, you know, every day that's becoming less and less so the case and you know, my very honest opinion is if it's someone that you are worried too, You know, tell, do not give him that much mental real estate. Because if it's someone who you're worried about accepting your child or accepting you, then that's proud. Like in 2020. Like that's really not someone that you need to worry about because they are not important and they need to get with the times because homophobia is in. Transphobia is. So
spk_1: 22:59
they go,
spk_0: 23:00
and that's that on that
spk_1: 23:02
and there and there we have it counters thoughts on that. But he's right. I mean, he's absolutely right. It was something, you know, again, we were so inside of our heads that we did not even consider the message. Said it was sending him multiple messages, their message of fear, a message of secrecy, a message that there was something wrong with it, and so on one hand we're giving him were saying to him, we support you 100%. We're here for you. And yet, on the other hand, were saying but we we're not gonna tell these people yet. And so it was definitely, You know, now that we look back, we totally see what a mixed message that was sending. And, um, certainly understand. I understand that the heir of doing it that way. Um so that was a really, really big one that we wanted to pass along to all of you as a CZ. Big as they're coming out experience as, um, as a parent, I understand this is it is big for us too, and a totally different way just in a good one. Thio to remember. And And that one actually does lead really, really well into the next one. To which is to be transparent and your thoughts and authentic with what what you're thinking and what you're feeling. But if you are really, really struggling with either something that has happened something that your child has shared with you, uh, you know anything if there is a struggle, if you're struggling, still, you know, with just the coming out. Uh, these are things that you take to your therapist, Um or, you know, whoever your support person or people are, this is not something you take to your child. They are super, super vulnerable, eh? Be they're they're your child. It's not their responsibility to hold your hand and walk you through your difficult emotions. That's our job for them. So it's It's a delicate balance of being transparent, being authentic. It is perfectly okay for your child, too. See that you have emotions and see you express your emotions. But when it comes Thio expressing, expressing that deep struggle, Um, and you'll know your your intuition. Your gut will tell you this is not appropriate. I need to take this to somebody else. And again, um, you know, whomever your support, support, person or support people are, Take it there instead, kind or anything you want to add to that
spk_0: 25:55
again. I say this from a place menace to having been in a situation will. Actually, no, not at all. You guys have never met my struggles, my coming out and you know, whatever degree with any sort of negativity. So I can't say from personal experience. But what I can say is, Yeah, there's absolutely no reason that your prejudices, the way you were raised, whatever you believe in that should never come before the love for your child. And you should be ableto of your child unconditionally, no matter who they are, no matter how they express them. Um, it is not a choice. It's 100% the way they were born. And that's not something to attack your child for. Something that they cannot change is very yeah, you know, there's not words for How about that is, um so that's my angsty rage fueled answer to that. So I guess you know, there's probably some, like, some answer in the excellent way.
spk_1: 26:56
I think I think you did a good job of expressing what? How you felt on that? Uh, definitely. That's okay, but yeah, I like I like the rial. Connor. Bring it
spk_0: 27:07
on. Good. Good God.
spk_1: 27:13
So this next one kind of goes along with it. Several of the earlier one don't make assumptions, allow their process to unfold, allow your own process to unfold. And I know it's hard because we're always, you know, wanting to know what You know what's next? What's gonna happen next to be prepared? Um, this is truly, truly a lesson and being present and allowing things to happen at the pace that they are meant to happen, that they need toe happen. Um, and to not rush them because anything that's rushed anything that's pushed is not going Thio happen in an authentic way. It's not going to for you or for your child, um, gonna be hurried and and messier than it already is. That's That's my thoughts on on that. Connor, Do you have anything you'd like to add that?
spk_0: 28:12
Yes, eso I mean, I think it's really it's hard to hear like this pieces by something in particular, just like, you know, kind of know that there's relax and that there's going to be like, you know everything's gonna work out because, you know, you're probably if you're at the beginning of the process, either as a child or as the parents or whatever your relationship. Maybe, you know, it's It is a time of chaos and confusion and wanting answers and not having them and not knowing how you're going to get them. But the biggest thing is to not act out of the rush place out of a scared place out of you, any sort of negative energy, because what happens is you ended up in seven months of rehab, and we don't want that for anyone else. I've experienced that. So now we consider tell this story. So then you don't have So The biggest thing is like, you know, we were able to be able to say this and with the perspective that my mom and I both have, having had plenty of intensive family therapy and plenty of other programs to, like, really flush out what this process is about. And, well, it is like I remember when I first came out like that when I first realized I was gay like that first moment was like, kind of like, Oh, well that, like, you know, whatever perfect little marriage and perfect little like, straight, boring life that I had planned out for myself. White picket fence and all was no longer reality. And so, like I get that then thinking well, darn, what the heck happened that it doesn't need to be that one of the most. I think it's cliche but it really holds true. Is it really is one day at a time. You know, you you did not find out you were gay overnight. You did not the courage to tell your parents or tell whoever or tell yourself that you know that you're a member of the LGBT community That didn't happen overnight. That took a lot of times like this is not like you're not gonna come out one day and then it's all going to be, you know, just made for you. Like I think that was my biggest misconception was realizing well, coming out was the very, very beginning of it on There was there's still so much that I have to, like, learn and come into my own and to really figure out. So I guess, you know, just you can't have expectations for how it's gonna go other than, you know, kind of just buck up and enjoy the ride. Um, it's like moments that don't force
spk_1: 30:41
That was very well said. That was very, very well said, And, um and obviously spot on because it's been our experience. But I think so. Spot on to share with all of you out there. Um, I remember this. This just sparked a memory for me. When? When you said this kind are about you. What you envisioned for yourself Room. Well, you know, as parents, we all do that right. As soon as we have, We have these babies, and the first minute you look at them. You You know your love these from the second that they arrive. You just love these yummy little babies. And and as they start to grow And, um, you know, you start to see what they what their little personalities are and what they enjoy doing and what they're good at and and what their passions are. And you start to, you know, imagine what their futures were going to be, Right? So I know one of the first things that I was talking Thio, um, a really good friend. And I was like, It is for me. I'm not sad. That counters k. I had to take a little time to mourn my It was the movie rail. You know, it's this movie real recreate from the time that our babies are born right through their whole lives. And so my movie rail had changed for Connor and not changed in a bad way. It just changed to something different, and and And it had it had changed very quickly. And so for me, it was taking that little bit of time to be like toe. Recognize that and be okay with that. And and then just keep moving forward. Because, you know, the movie real that we have now and watching Connor, um, you know, grow and learn and explore and experience. And this is so extraordinary. Um, it's been extraordinary for all six of us. Really? Um, it's a beautiful gift, and I am grateful for this every day as as difficulty as it has been a times, um, it's again, so moving on, we're getting you're getting there. We just have a few more, um, the next to kind of flow together. So I'm gonna put them together, and, um, they are all about support. And I'm not gonna go a ton into this, because I know I touched on it in the last episode. Um, so I'm just gonna touch on a little bit, and then I'm gonna let you give your thoughts on again really, really, really important that you uh, make sure that your child has the support that they need. Um, And that what you think that they need? But what what they need and and they'll express to you what kind of support they're meeting. I mean, you might have to kind of tee it up a little bit, get them their options of what's available, but allow them to Really, once you let them know that it's okay. And this is having this kind of support is good and helpful that they'll let you know what they need. Um, and that could be therapist. Um, it could be a mentor. It could be support groups. Um, the biggest thing, especially for your child, but infer even for you, which we found a super helpful is to be around professionals and peers who understand the LGBT Q Community and and who are on a similar journey. So, you know, for Connor what we found after trial and error was that, you know, from day one he really needed a therapist who waas a gay man, period, because only another gay man is going to understand what Connor is going through. And that's something that we kind of tripped around and took us a while to figure out. So there it is. I'm giving that to you on a silver platter and, you know, flip for for us. As parents, we needed support from people who could help educate us. Who could you know who had who had been there, who have been there? Who are there Who? You know, whether it was, you know, our, um we have a therapist that we see as a couple. She is a gay woman. We have. You know, we've been to so apparent support groups with other parents who have gay Children. These are all really, really important pieces. Um, for both of you and Connor. Alternative or two? Usually. Do you have some good thoughts on this as well?
spk_0: 35:40
Well, yeah, I think you know it. The great thing about this is the more options you can give your child. The more autonomy you could give them into their coming out process and seeking support. And all of that, um, the better, because it really it'll show, you know that you want this to be theirs, and you want them to feel like it's theirs. Because if you if they feel like they're being forced one way or another. You know, again from personal experience that you know, being an angsty depression read old newly gay teen. You know, when my parents had one thing, I was going to do everything in my power to do the exact opposite. So you know, the more the more freedom, the more leeway you give them into, like figuring this out, the more they're going to. You know, it's just it's just going to go so much smoother and so much less conflict, and it's just gonna be so much less of, you know, it's not that it's a negative experience, but it's just there's that, you know, by letting your child shoes there's like it doesn't open up the door like negativity,
spk_1: 36:49
right? Well, there's a lot of stuff that you are going through that the team is going through, right. So there's a ton of emotions there because you I mean, you know, we've talked about this so many times that it's not just that you are, um, you know, embracing your authentic self, who you were bored to be, right? It is that you are also just at the heart of it. You are an angsty teenager. You're you aren't which by definition means you are moody or hormones are all over the place here. You know, runner brain isn't fully developed, and so it's all these. It is just ah, whole lot of stuff going on. So, yes, so any place that you could definitely, where your child feels like it's their idea and where you can communicate with them. So they're not feeling like you're telling them to do things, but they are part of the decision. It will work out a 1,000,000 times better for you. So this kind of moves us into our Final one AA, which is, and it's a big one, and it's it's one of my favorites. Um, and it's to tell them how proud you are of them that you not only that, you're proud, but you recognize how difficult it must have been for them to come to you that you see and you recognize, and you just help brave. They are how courageous they are, and and this using this thistles, the kind of language that you want to use, and, um, and that you cannot use enough of because they can't hear enough of it. Make sure that they really, really feel like you couldn't be more proud of anything that they've ever done in their whole lives than this. Because this is a huge, huge stop. Connor. Yeah. I
spk_0: 38:42
mean, yeah, it's, you know, like I said, and like we touched on several times, You know, this is a very, very, very sensitive time. And, you know, you really need all the positivity you can get such a way with everything kind of changing. It's just like it's nice to have, like, the consistency of knowing like, yeah, like, this is something I should be proud of. This isn't something I should be afraid of. This isn't something I should hide. Um, and, you know, it really is something that you should celebrate. And the more that you can really hammer that home for your kid, For whoever this is, whoever this significant person is to you, that is a member of the LGBT community of any community that you're proud of, that you're proud of the fact that they could come to you until the tell you their darkest secret, their biggest secret or one of their biggest secrets and, you know, being fully willing to accept, You know, however you will react like that takes a lot of bravery. I think that, you know, I'm rambling at this point, but it just it is. It's it's so important just to, like, say, like you're proud, you know it will. It's It's a small little thing like that that you can consistently do That'll just improve the situation for your kid, you know, 10 fold like you don't know. I'm troubling.
spk_1: 40:07
You think that's no? Not at all. I just I think that's I think that's so really a beautiful way tour to wrap up because it is those little things that we we kind of forget about, right? We're in the middle of, um, you know, wherever you are on this journey, it is big. Everything about it is big. And, um, I think sometimes we forget that the the little moments that you know, the little things saying that we're proud, telling that we appreciate them, reminded them that we love wth Um um, things that you, you know, see and observe and think about these air all just really, really important. Small things along the way That will make your journey just that much more enjoyable and that much more beautiful. So this is This is where Connor, Connor and I are going to stop for today. Connor, do you have any last words you'd like to share before we end?
spk_0: 41:11
Um, well, yes, sir. In once again. I think you know im. As I've said, you know, I've given full permission, rights, whatever word you want to use my mom to kind of divulge into the details of our chaotic past couple of years. And, you know, I think it really is. It's a big part of your child's journey, your your loved one's journey. Just, you know, just be patient and just really kind of give credit where credit's due, because it's a huge step that your child's bringing you into their coming out journey. That's like,
spk_1: 41:51
I know that's good. That's really good. Um, all right, well, I just want to say thank you for, uh, doing this with me today. This was really, really fun. And, um, and for, you know, being willing to, you know, be vulnerable. And thio kind of have your life on display to a certain extent so that hopefully other people could either learn something or be helped. O r you know, whatever we could do. So thank you so much counter for whores in you. And I love you so much. And I am so very proud of you. Thank you. All right, well, everyone counters back toe off Thio and my you're back to N Y u After it Awesome Christmas and holiday break. And it's been so nice to have him home on dhe, um, to be ableto to sneak in an interview with him before he leaves me again. So, uh, all right, this is where we leave you for today. Thanks so much for listening.
way. Welcome to just breathe podcast focused on transforming conversation and support you on your journey with your LGBT two left one. You are not alone. Welcome to just breathe parenting your LGBT Q. Thine My name is Heather Hester, and I am excited to be with you to transform the conversation around loving and raising an LGBT Q. Child wherever you are on this journey. Right now, in this moment in time, you are not alone. So I'm really, really excited to share this episode with you that Connor and I put together. We had so much fun writing and recording, and we want you to know that each of the tips that we share come from the heart and come from our personal experience. A quick side note Before we begin, I apologize in advance if the sound quality is a little bit off. In this episode, Connor and I were experimenting with a new interview program that I wanted to try, and it definitely required a little bit of trialling air. So my apologies hang in there with us. There's lots of good content and without further ado parents, here are a few things your team wants you to know. Enjoy. So I'm very excited to have Connor with us today with me today. And, um, one of the things that many, many people have asked as I've been doing this podcast and as I've been doing different writings, um, is if Connor is okay with us. So I thought it I thought I would ask honor, since he's here on the phone, um, with us today, Thio to give you your thought or his thoughts on that. So, what are you Are you okay with me doing this?
spk_0: 2:23
Um I mean, this is like, Honestly, today was the first time I had heard about you doing this, so I was a little taken aback, but I guess I'm glad that it's working out for you jokes. Yes, of course. I think it is totally fine. I've given my whole permission slash consent. Such whatever word you prefer.
spk_1: 2:42
Good. Thank you. Thank you. I appreciate it because this is this is, you know, this is your story and and our story as a family, but a lot of it is very personal and, um, very emotional. So I do want everybody out there to know that Connor is fully on board with us, and I do run a lot of things by Connor. Ah, behind the scenes as I'm working through shows that I want to dio and writing that I want to D'oh! So I'm so glad that you're here today and that we're doing the show together. Um, Connor and I thought I'd be really, really fun and helpful for everyone out there to dio I show on what your teenager wants you to know and things that are just really, really important. Thio say to them to ask them thio not say to them to not ask them. And we're both gonna kind of weigh in on our thoughts on each of these And, um, you know, you'll know along the way all of the mistakes that I've made as a parent on dhe ways that we've reconnected and communicated better and and learned along the way. So, um, our 1st 1 and kind of the biggest one. And I know I've mentioned this one as I have started telling our story, but, uh, number one is Don't ask them if they are sure. And I know counter has something. Has a lot of thoughts on this. So I'm gonna go ahead and let you weigh in on this one. Connor.
spk_0: 4:24
Um so I think that that's kind of that was like when you first asked, um, if I was interested in doing a show together, that this waas the primary one that I want to address because it's definitely, you know, I feel like that's like a natural reaction is a parent of like, you know, you have this expectation of your child being one way and, you know, sometimes more it's more of a surprise. And when it is, it's like completely changing your expectations of, you know, the future of your child's life, at least from your perspective. So but from the perspective of the child is very easy, not discouraging. But it's like you want your It's a very, very, very fragile moment for you to be telling your parents on. And, uh, you really only want to be mad with your encouragement positivity rather that, you know, questioning on making you falter. You know, stuff of that sort.
spk_1: 5:24
And I think the other thing Thio this is always stuck with me. You've said this to me, and I've I've read this different places. Um, when your child comes out to you and your team comes out to you, this isn't something that, as just, you know, they've given 30 seconds thought to that. This is something they've given a ton of thought to it. It takes so much courage for them to tell you that Yes, of course they're sure. Oh, my goodness. They wouldn't, you know, tell you otherwise. You know, just I know that's as a parent. That is our Oh, my gosh. Are you sure? Well, yes, I promise you, they are sure. Um, so thank you. Thank you, Connor, for for your thoughts on that. Because that's that. That was a really, really big one. And I know both Steve and I have been like, Oh, my gosh, I can't believe we asked that. It's like those worst. We're so sorry. Um, so the 2nd 1 that we came up with is, um tell them that it doesn't change how you see them, and, um, and how much you love them and that, you know, by that obviously, things will shift as faras Ah, you know what you need to learn and what your child is going through, but that the really important stuff that you're deep, unconditional love for your child, your support of your child. Just make sure that they know that it's not gonna change. That doesn't change at all and just can't normalize it by, you know, I like I tell Connor all the time. You know this There's we've been through a lot of stuff. I'm I'm still his mom, and he's he's still my kid. And, you know, I'll always been my kid and always be asthma. And I will always love him unconditionally, no matter what goes on. So this is a really important thing to make sure that your child really, really understands. Connor, do you have anything you'd like to add?
spk_0: 7:35
Yeah. I mean, I think the biggest thing is, um, you know, just knowing that we that your parents still care for used to love you still see don't see you any differently, other than the fact that you're expressing yourself to a truer extent than you were before. Um, but I think that was goes along with that is, you know, we are so afraid even today, but more so, you know, earlier generations have been so afraid to come out because all we see are these. You know, these horror stories of people coming out and getting thrown out into the streets because, yeah, there are still bad people out there, and I'm going to call them bad people because they aren't capable of loving their child just because their child expressing themselves in their truest self. Um, the most authentic self. And, you know, I think there's a base understanding that if you're listening to this podcast, you wouldn't do that to your child. So, you know, congratulations. You're not a bad person. Um, but yeah, I guess that's it. I just I think you really need to, like, let your child no, just, like be until they're annoyed with anything. You know, just really hammer at home that you do not see them any differently. You're just like that. You are happy for them. And that's all you should be. Is happy that they're able to express themselves, and they're comfortable expressing themselves around you.
spk_1: 8:53
I think that's a really, really good point. Yeah, 1st 1st of all, welcome to a show with with a teenager who says exactly what they think so. Um, you know, just your buckle, your seat belts. I did tell Carter he wasn't allowed to swear on this, because then we'd have to read it differently. But other than that, you are going to get some his true, authentic thoughts on things. Um, but yes, he's he is right about you. You can't say it enough. And, um and don't worry about annoying them or overdoing it because especially right at the beginning, they're just gonna soak it up. And that's exactly what they need from you. And and even you know where Connor is now. I mean, you know, I say things to him all the time. I don't really care if it annoys him, because I know deep inside, he really loves it. So, uh,
spk_0: 9:50
yeah, How's Dave? Estimation? It's never about.
spk_1: 9:54
That's right. Exactly. So on to next one, um, and I love this one for so many reasons is, uh, establishing boundaries. I have begun to talk about this a little bit. I think in the last podcast, I dinner the one before talking about the importance of boundaries. But this is really, really important. Both for you as a parent and for your teenager. Be very clear on what your boundaries are, Um, so that both of you are comfortable with whatever it is that you're discussing. And that's not to say that you're not gonna have really uncomfortable discussions, because I promise you you will. But the more clear that you could be and and just really honest about what you are able to discuss or, you know, there are certain things that we as parents, just don't need to know. It's not gonna help anything. It's not gonna help us. Some poor, our child better. It's not goingto help them if we know it. Um, and vice versa. Connor, what would you I know you have some thoughts on this too.
spk_0: 11:01
Yes, I do. Ah,
spk_1: 11:03
So I think
spk_0: 11:04
you know, the biggest way this, like boundaries is obviously a very broad thing. But you know, you're coming out being apart. The LGBT community, in one form or another, is connected to, you know, sexual or gender expression and what that means to you, which typically done surrounds, you know, love in dating and relationships. And, you know, just the way that you outwardly express yourself and really express yourself um so it's a lot of really personal and touchy subject the subjects that you know a lot of people don't want to discuss with their parents, especially not when they're like, newly the closet and still figuring out what their identity is, too, that you shouldn't treat them any different. The sense that you shouldn't treat it any differently than if you were having a straight child. You know you're not gonna ask your straight child if they're, you know, having sex. Or maybe you will, but like you should probably avoid it. Um, and you know, like you don't fry and to knowing you know exactly who they like and exactly like. That might not be something that your kids comfortable left, so I guess week without getting too into it, you will need to have some confrontation and some tough conversations or awkward conversations at least. But I can say that by having these conversations with my parents and setting boundaries and being very clear about what I am comfortable talking about and what I'm not so comfortable talking about. It is made discussing things today especially so much easier and so much less stressful and were able to communicate effectively without having to worry about, you know, offending one another or are you just It's It's a lot easier. Trust me.
spk_1: 12:42
Yes, I would definitely agree with that. And, um and that's come with a lot of messing up a life away, right?
spk_0: 12:52
You knew it was intense of family therapy to a great place. Conversationally, it turns out,
spk_1: 12:58
has. But you know, I will. I will tell you all that, um, you know, initially, when when Connor to come out to us. You know, we we did ask all of these questions. Is there somebody you're interested in? Do you like somebody at school way? Had we had so many questions and it wasn't because we were trying to get into his business. It was We were We were trying to wrap our heads around this, and we were also surprised it We were a little bit blindsided, right? So But it is, you know, like we had. We had initially said to Connor, you know, our rules for dating and what are the same for you as they would be for your sisters and nerve. You know, your little brother. And so it's and I think over the past three years, we have learned to ah lot. I think in general, like Connor said, you wouldn't ask details. Of course, you're not gonna ask your child details. You don't want to know details from your gay child any more than you want details from your straight child. However, what I will say is that you want your child to be safe. And so to that extent, that's kind of our job is the parent is to make sure that your child is safe and every possible way, not just when it comes to dating and two sex and to, you know, asking all these questions and knowing all the different things that are out there. Um, you know, it's part of the whole education process and just, um, you know, looking at this as another way that you are becoming educated, that, um, you know, I we both look at this as kind of the more you know, the better able to handle what comes at you and to be able to handle it and very calmly on and thoughtfully so right?
spk_0: 14:59
Yes, without going into crisis.
spk_1: 15:02
Yes,
spk_0: 15:03
operating in crisis doesn't work. We've proved that time and time again.
spk_1: 15:08
We've tried that route, and, uh, I'm not a big fan. I don't I don't think you are either.
spk_0: 15:16
Not really. Not much.
spk_1: 15:20
Oh, my gosh. So I like how this would kind of rolls into the next one, which is, um, it don't push for information. Um, and and that does work well with with setting boundaries, Um, you are going to have a 1,000,000 questions and on, and that's okay. And, you know, having questions is part of keeping an eye open dialogue and a transparent shylock. But once you start to push for answers, it's just not gonna work. Let them come to you When? When they're ready to discuss you. Just as long as you let them know that you are available that you are open, they they will come to you and talk to you when they already and I know Connor, you have some some good thoughts on, that's all. You go ahead.
spk_0: 16:16
Yeah. I mean, I think the like for me, the perspective, I would ask, you know, if your apparent, if you, whatever your relationship is, realize that for a lot of people, they're coming out journey and coming out of the closet. It's like one of their biggest secrets. They've had you up to that point in their life. Like I say, you know, at least from my perspective, let's say from my perspective, when I was 16 that was by far the biggest secret I was keeping from anyone's the fact that I was not, in fact straight, and I did not fit into that hole, you know, stair type of the North Shore. Um, so it was a really big deal when I eventually did come out. I mean, granted, the situation was interesting, but, you know, that was like telling my parents my biggest secret. But then after that, it became okay. Well, the next part is, you know, this component, my sexuality, you know, and this part about being gay and like the boundaries that I do want to set the stuff that I do want to tell them, like it kind of like Each part kind of becomes your big. It looks like the next biggest thing. And so but eventually it does get easier. You know, when you see your parents aren't reacting like radically, you're freaking out or you know, automatically trying to fix it or anything, but, like just taking what you're telling them, sitting with it and not reacting, not reacting in any way That's other than positive, you know, Uh, because then that builds up that trust in that relationship, like boundary like setting boundaries does. And it will make it. You know, you'll become a much more, um, just like a much more welcome person, too, for your child to come to like I know, especially my mom. It's like no being able to tell her things. And like when I have been struggling in the situation, being handled appropriately and without you're going into crisis mode has shown Okay, I can rely on my mom and my parents to help me through these things. Um, so is my long winded answer to that.
spk_1: 18:17
Now I fence that's very good on duh. It's really, really important. Um, and I think the other The only other thing that I wanted to add two is something that you and I talked about. You don't know the answers. They don't know all the answers yet. So, um, which is something that we forget? We don't know. All the answers. And so, you know, like Counter said, this is this is a huge, huge step for them to be able. Thio not only say it aloud to you as their parents, but thio kind of wrap their head around this realization. And, uh, this is who they are, and they don't necessarily know what comes next. They don't know that the next step. I mean, that's why there are all these steps to the coming out process, because it is, it's it. It's a major process, and it does take time. So this is just I think, you know, like Connor said, Like I said, just the biggest thing is to, you know, just be available and Thio let let them know that you're there and and you will you will end up having to do a lot of deep breathing. And that's okay. We like to know everything,
spk_0: 19:36
but it's a lot of change, You know? There's a lot of radical acceptance and radical change going on and
spk_1: 19:44
and radical love. Yes, you know. Oh, no. Oh, my gosh. Um, so our next thought our next idea that we wanted to pass along to you, um, is to work together as a team, you and your child, your parents and child, and allow your child to guide who they want to come out to and when, Um, and the really important thing I know depending on whether you had you knew that your child was gay and you were waiting for them to come out or if you were on the opposite end of the spectrum like we were and we had no idea. So, you know, we kind of went into this place of Oh, my goodness, it it's easy to get wrapped up in your own space of telling you who do I tell? Can I tell anybody? Should I tell anybody? What are they going to think this whole? This isn't about you. Yes, you are as a family experiencing this. And and this This is definitely part of the family experience, part of the parent child relationship experience. But remember that the coming out in and of itself, this is your child's. This is your teenagers. And so it's really important for you to really discuss this and be, you know, work together to decide. Okay, this is who we want to tell this is when and and let your child guide that this is not your story to tell. This is their story to tell. This is their story to share when they are ready to share it. Were just there supporting role, the support they air the lead actor here kind of anything that would liketo add to that.
spk_0: 21:37
It's like once again, it's like you and said, It's your child training. It's my journey. It's not your guys journey and there's, I think, I mean, at least from personal experience. Once again, I want to speak from personal experience that, you know, when I was told not that I was like told like, You can't come out to these people but like, you know, there were specific people that we had kind of decided, but it was more so like you guys had wanted and we're trying to start. But like you guys had wanted to maybe hold off on talking, mentioning it to, uh, you know, at least until we could kind of discuss it more, which was like, reasonable. But there is still that part that, like you, even though I could understand it logically, they're still not emotional part of my brain that thinking like Okay, well, I guess you know, like, that is something that, like, I do, I need to hire. You can seal that people won't accept and like, you know, every day that's becoming less and less so the case and you know, my very honest opinion is if it's someone that you are worried too, You know, tell, do not give him that much mental real estate. Because if it's someone who you're worried about accepting your child or accepting you, then that's proud. Like in 2020. Like that's really not someone that you need to worry about because they are not important and they need to get with the times because homophobia is in. Transphobia is. So
spk_1: 22:59
they go,
spk_0: 23:00
and that's that on that
spk_1: 23:02
and there and there we have it counters thoughts on that. But he's right. I mean, he's absolutely right. It was something, you know, again, we were so inside of our heads that we did not even consider the message. Said it was sending him multiple messages, their message of fear, a message of secrecy, a message that there was something wrong with it, and so on one hand we're giving him were saying to him, we support you 100%. We're here for you. And yet, on the other hand, were saying but we we're not gonna tell these people yet. And so it was definitely, You know, now that we look back, we totally see what a mixed message that was sending. And, um, certainly understand. I understand that the heir of doing it that way. Um so that was a really, really big one that we wanted to pass along to all of you as a CZ. Big as they're coming out experience as, um, as a parent, I understand this is it is big for us too, and a totally different way just in a good one. Thio to remember. And And that one actually does lead really, really well into the next one. To which is to be transparent and your thoughts and authentic with what what you're thinking and what you're feeling. But if you are really, really struggling with either something that has happened something that your child has shared with you, uh, you know anything if there is a struggle, if you're struggling, still, you know, with just the coming out. Uh, these are things that you take to your therapist, Um or, you know, whoever your support person or people are, this is not something you take to your child. They are super, super vulnerable, eh? Be they're they're your child. It's not their responsibility to hold your hand and walk you through your difficult emotions. That's our job for them. So it's It's a delicate balance of being transparent, being authentic. It is perfectly okay for your child, too. See that you have emotions and see you express your emotions. But when it comes Thio expressing, expressing that deep struggle, Um, and you'll know your your intuition. Your gut will tell you this is not appropriate. I need to take this to somebody else. And again, um, you know, whomever your support, support, person or support people are, Take it there instead, kind or anything you want to add to that
spk_0: 25:55
again. I say this from a place menace to having been in a situation will. Actually, no, not at all. You guys have never met my struggles, my coming out and you know, whatever degree with any sort of negativity. So I can't say from personal experience. But what I can say is, Yeah, there's absolutely no reason that your prejudices, the way you were raised, whatever you believe in that should never come before the love for your child. And you should be ableto of your child unconditionally, no matter who they are, no matter how they express them. Um, it is not a choice. It's 100% the way they were born. And that's not something to attack your child for. Something that they cannot change is very yeah, you know, there's not words for How about that is, um so that's my angsty rage fueled answer to that. So I guess you know, there's probably some, like, some answer in the excellent way.
spk_1: 26:56
I think I think you did a good job of expressing what? How you felt on that? Uh, definitely. That's okay, but yeah, I like I like the rial. Connor. Bring it
spk_0: 27:07
on. Good. Good God.
spk_1: 27:13
So this next one kind of goes along with it. Several of the earlier one don't make assumptions, allow their process to unfold, allow your own process to unfold. And I know it's hard because we're always, you know, wanting to know what You know what's next? What's gonna happen next to be prepared? Um, this is truly, truly a lesson and being present and allowing things to happen at the pace that they are meant to happen, that they need toe happen. Um, and to not rush them because anything that's rushed anything that's pushed is not going Thio happen in an authentic way. It's not going to for you or for your child, um, gonna be hurried and and messier than it already is. That's That's my thoughts on on that. Connor, Do you have anything you'd like to add that?
spk_0: 28:12
Yes, eso I mean, I think it's really it's hard to hear like this pieces by something in particular, just like, you know, kind of know that there's relax and that there's going to be like, you know everything's gonna work out because, you know, you're probably if you're at the beginning of the process, either as a child or as the parents or whatever your relationship. Maybe, you know, it's It is a time of chaos and confusion and wanting answers and not having them and not knowing how you're going to get them. But the biggest thing is to not act out of the rush place out of a scared place out of you, any sort of negative energy, because what happens is you ended up in seven months of rehab, and we don't want that for anyone else. I've experienced that. So now we consider tell this story. So then you don't have So The biggest thing is like, you know, we were able to be able to say this and with the perspective that my mom and I both have, having had plenty of intensive family therapy and plenty of other programs to, like, really flush out what this process is about. And, well, it is like I remember when I first came out like that when I first realized I was gay like that first moment was like, kind of like, Oh, well that, like, you know, whatever perfect little marriage and perfect little like, straight, boring life that I had planned out for myself. White picket fence and all was no longer reality. And so, like I get that then thinking well, darn, what the heck happened that it doesn't need to be that one of the most. I think it's cliche but it really holds true. Is it really is one day at a time. You know, you you did not find out you were gay overnight. You did not the courage to tell your parents or tell whoever or tell yourself that you know that you're a member of the LGBT community That didn't happen overnight. That took a lot of times like this is not like you're not gonna come out one day and then it's all going to be, you know, just made for you. Like I think that was my biggest misconception was realizing well, coming out was the very, very beginning of it on There was there's still so much that I have to, like, learn and come into my own and to really figure out. So I guess, you know, just you can't have expectations for how it's gonna go other than, you know, kind of just buck up and enjoy the ride. Um, it's like moments that don't force
spk_1: 30:41
That was very well said. That was very, very well said, And, um and obviously spot on because it's been our experience. But I think so. Spot on to share with all of you out there. Um, I remember this. This just sparked a memory for me. When? When you said this kind are about you. What you envisioned for yourself Room. Well, you know, as parents, we all do that right. As soon as we have, We have these babies, and the first minute you look at them. You You know your love these from the second that they arrive. You just love these yummy little babies. And and as they start to grow And, um, you know, you start to see what they what their little personalities are and what they enjoy doing and what they're good at and and what their passions are. And you start to, you know, imagine what their futures were going to be, Right? So I know one of the first things that I was talking Thio, um, a really good friend. And I was like, It is for me. I'm not sad. That counters k. I had to take a little time to mourn my It was the movie rail. You know, it's this movie real recreate from the time that our babies are born right through their whole lives. And so my movie rail had changed for Connor and not changed in a bad way. It just changed to something different, and and And it had it had changed very quickly. And so for me, it was taking that little bit of time to be like toe. Recognize that and be okay with that. And and then just keep moving forward. Because, you know, the movie real that we have now and watching Connor, um, you know, grow and learn and explore and experience. And this is so extraordinary. Um, it's been extraordinary for all six of us. Really? Um, it's a beautiful gift, and I am grateful for this every day as as difficulty as it has been a times, um, it's again, so moving on, we're getting you're getting there. We just have a few more, um, the next to kind of flow together. So I'm gonna put them together, and, um, they are all about support. And I'm not gonna go a ton into this, because I know I touched on it in the last episode. Um, so I'm just gonna touch on a little bit, and then I'm gonna let you give your thoughts on again really, really, really important that you uh, make sure that your child has the support that they need. Um, And that what you think that they need? But what what they need and and they'll express to you what kind of support they're meeting. I mean, you might have to kind of tee it up a little bit, get them their options of what's available, but allow them to Really, once you let them know that it's okay. And this is having this kind of support is good and helpful that they'll let you know what they need. Um, and that could be therapist. Um, it could be a mentor. It could be support groups. Um, the biggest thing, especially for your child, but infer even for you, which we found a super helpful is to be around professionals and peers who understand the LGBT Q Community and and who are on a similar journey. So, you know, for Connor what we found after trial and error was that, you know, from day one he really needed a therapist who waas a gay man, period, because only another gay man is going to understand what Connor is going through. And that's something that we kind of tripped around and took us a while to figure out. So there it is. I'm giving that to you on a silver platter and, you know, flip for for us. As parents, we needed support from people who could help educate us. Who could you know who had who had been there, who have been there? Who are there Who? You know, whether it was, you know, our, um we have a therapist that we see as a couple. She is a gay woman. We have. You know, we've been to so apparent support groups with other parents who have gay Children. These are all really, really important pieces. Um, for both of you and Connor. Alternative or two? Usually. Do you have some good thoughts on this as well?
spk_0: 35:40
Well, yeah, I think you know it. The great thing about this is the more options you can give your child. The more autonomy you could give them into their coming out process and seeking support. And all of that, um, the better, because it really it'll show, you know that you want this to be theirs, and you want them to feel like it's theirs. Because if you if they feel like they're being forced one way or another. You know, again from personal experience that you know, being an angsty depression read old newly gay teen. You know, when my parents had one thing, I was going to do everything in my power to do the exact opposite. So you know, the more the more freedom, the more leeway you give them into, like figuring this out, the more they're going to. You know, it's just it's just going to go so much smoother and so much less conflict, and it's just gonna be so much less of, you know, it's not that it's a negative experience, but it's just there's that, you know, by letting your child shoes there's like it doesn't open up the door like negativity,
spk_1: 36:49
right? Well, there's a lot of stuff that you are going through that the team is going through, right. So there's a ton of emotions there because you I mean, you know, we've talked about this so many times that it's not just that you are, um, you know, embracing your authentic self, who you were bored to be, right? It is that you are also just at the heart of it. You are an angsty teenager. You're you aren't which by definition means you are moody or hormones are all over the place here. You know, runner brain isn't fully developed, and so it's all these. It is just ah, whole lot of stuff going on. So, yes, so any place that you could definitely, where your child feels like it's their idea and where you can communicate with them. So they're not feeling like you're telling them to do things, but they are part of the decision. It will work out a 1,000,000 times better for you. So this kind of moves us into our Final one AA, which is, and it's a big one, and it's it's one of my favorites. Um, and it's to tell them how proud you are of them that you not only that, you're proud, but you recognize how difficult it must have been for them to come to you that you see and you recognize, and you just help brave. They are how courageous they are, and and this using this thistles, the kind of language that you want to use, and, um, and that you cannot use enough of because they can't hear enough of it. Make sure that they really, really feel like you couldn't be more proud of anything that they've ever done in their whole lives than this. Because this is a huge, huge stop. Connor. Yeah. I
spk_0: 38:42
mean, yeah, it's, you know, like I said, and like we touched on several times, You know, this is a very, very, very sensitive time. And, you know, you really need all the positivity you can get such a way with everything kind of changing. It's just like it's nice to have, like, the consistency of knowing like, yeah, like, this is something I should be proud of. This isn't something I should be afraid of. This isn't something I should hide. Um, and, you know, it really is something that you should celebrate. And the more that you can really hammer that home for your kid, For whoever this is, whoever this significant person is to you, that is a member of the LGBT community of any community that you're proud of, that you're proud of the fact that they could come to you until the tell you their darkest secret, their biggest secret or one of their biggest secrets and, you know, being fully willing to accept, You know, however you will react like that takes a lot of bravery. I think that, you know, I'm rambling at this point, but it just it is. It's it's so important just to, like, say, like you're proud, you know it will. It's It's a small little thing like that that you can consistently do That'll just improve the situation for your kid, you know, 10 fold like you don't know. I'm troubling.
spk_1: 40:07
You think that's no? Not at all. I just I think that's I think that's so really a beautiful way tour to wrap up because it is those little things that we we kind of forget about, right? We're in the middle of, um, you know, wherever you are on this journey, it is big. Everything about it is big. And, um, I think sometimes we forget that the the little moments that you know, the little things saying that we're proud, telling that we appreciate them, reminded them that we love wth Um um, things that you, you know, see and observe and think about these air all just really, really important. Small things along the way That will make your journey just that much more enjoyable and that much more beautiful. So this is This is where Connor, Connor and I are going to stop for today. Connor, do you have any last words you'd like to share before we end?
spk_0: 41:11
Um, well, yes, sir. In once again. I think you know im. As I've said, you know, I've given full permission, rights, whatever word you want to use my mom to kind of divulge into the details of our chaotic past couple of years. And, you know, I think it really is. It's a big part of your child's journey, your your loved one's journey. Just, you know, just be patient and just really kind of give credit where credit's due, because it's a huge step that your child's bringing you into their coming out journey. That's like,
spk_1: 41:51
I know that's good. That's really good. Um, all right, well, I just want to say thank you for, uh, doing this with me today. This was really, really fun. And, um, and for, you know, being willing to, you know, be vulnerable. And thio kind of have your life on display to a certain extent so that hopefully other people could either learn something or be helped. O r you know, whatever we could do. So thank you so much counter for whores in you. And I love you so much. And I am so very proud of you. Thank you. All right, well, everyone counters back toe off Thio and my you're back to N Y u After it Awesome Christmas and holiday break. And it's been so nice to have him home on dhe, um, to be ableto to sneak in an interview with him before he leaves me again. So, uh, all right, this is where we leave you for today. Thanks so much for listening.
