WEBVTT
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Welcome to the Optimizing Beyond podcast. I'm
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Josh Negron, and this show's all about sharing
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lessons, ideas, and strategies that sharpen your
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thinking, strengthen your habits, and push you
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to grow beyond comfort zones. Let's dive in.
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Most of us don't get crushed by a single boulder.
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We get worn down by more and more gravel. These
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tiny attempts to manage everyone's moods, every
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timeline, and every outcome. It can be exhausting.
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At first, it looks like we're being responsible
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or caring and loving. Then it quietly becomes
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hypervigilance, checking in again, rephrasing
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the text. Staying late to make sure, disclaiming
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your words constantly, circling back and back,
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and even softening the truth so nobody's upset.
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Pressure rises, energy drains, and peace shrinks.
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Zoom out for a second. Surveys in the last two
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years show anxiety trending up and burnout everywhere.
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And here's the kicker. I think the more we try
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to control what isn't ours, the less peace we'll
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feel. Why? Because control promises certainty
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it can't deliver. It's a costly illusion. Let's
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reframe it right now so we don't waste another
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week. Letting go is disciplined stewardship.
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It's not giving up. It's doing your part with
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clarity and excellence and then releasing outcomes,
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timing, and other people's emotions, actions,
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and reactions. It's not apathy. It's wisdom.
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That's leadership inside your circle of agency.
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Today, we'll give you three things you can use
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immediately. The Selective Focus Framework to
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right -size your responsibility, boundary reps
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you can actually say and practice, and a faith
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-grounded trust transfer protocol to run in minutes
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when control urges spike. Peace begins where
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control ends. So... Let's get your peace back.
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Early in my marriage, I got hit with a hard lesson,
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and I didn't know that I needed, and I've never
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forgotten it. My wife and I were disagreeing
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about something that she was probably right on,
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and I was working hard to persuade her to change
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her mind. Finally, towards the end, in a tense
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moment, my wife looked at me with tears in her
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eyes and said, I'm allowed to have my own thoughts
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and opinions. Honestly, I was shocked. I wasn't
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yelling, I wasn't slamming doors, but I was pushing
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her to change her mind, and I wasn't letting
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up, persuasively nudging, reshaping sentences,
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trying to land the plane my way, over and over.
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I began to ask myself why I was pushing so hard
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to make her think like me. After some good reflection,
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I realized I was insecure with disagreement in
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my relationship, and if she aligned with me on
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more things, I could feel more secure. That's
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control, folks. And control actually suffocates
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connection. I'm so thankful she vocalized feeling
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pressured and pushed, and maybe even sometimes
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gaslighted. It made me look at what I was unintentionally
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doing and allowed that reflection to change me
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over time. We started practicing something different.
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Curiosity over persuasion. Instead of, here's
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how you should see it, we tried, can you walk
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me through how you're seeing it? We began to
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tell each other the truth and letting go of how
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it landed. Sometimes I was able to understand
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her perspective and change my mind. Other times,
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she would still change her mind. And yet other
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times, we're still able to agree to disagree
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in a healthy way, and it doesn't leave either
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of us feeling insecure. Underneath that shift
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was faith, trusting God's timing over prediction.
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Letting go didn't erase responsibility, it actually
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clarified it. Do what's yours, release what isn't.
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Curiosity is influence, control is insecurity
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in disguise. As a former people pleaser, anyone
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else out there like me? It's a hard habit to
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kill because on the surface, you're such a nice,
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giving person. Who wouldn't want to have you
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around and be your friend? But there's a dark
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concept that often lurks beneath the surface,
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infecting and corroding things. Codependency.
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In many close relationships I've had over the
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decades, I became the fixer, the helper, the
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love bomber, the one who's always there. If there's
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a gap, I fill it. If there's a mess, I clean
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it. It feels loving until it feels heavy and
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wrong. I think for both parties, to be honest.
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It's too much for all the wrong reasons for each
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person. Relationships like transactions of debt
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and servitude, where resentment grows on both
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sides because of the inequity that isn't fair
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to either side. You can change that destructive
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pattern with boundaries. If done right, love
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doesn't shrink, resentment actually does. Things
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can equalize and stabilize. This often shows
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up when systems or projects are being built,
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and a leader does not delegate or communicate
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well with their team to ensure they're fully
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empowered and enabled to accomplish the task,
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project, or system. Most good leaders can think
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back to a time that they tried to do it all,
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only to discover that they were the very bottleneck
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holding everyone back. Not to mention, also causing
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frustration and sometimes even culture issues
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within the team. Ownership drops, tensions rise,
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and patience evaporates. When leaders replace
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micromanagement with written definitions of done,
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one owner per deliverable, and 20 -minute check
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-ins, as well as delegate and enable their teams,
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quality climbs, innovation and production rise,
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and peace returns. Teams don't need control,
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they need clarity and cadence. Let's reframe
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and address some common misconceptions. The first
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myth is letting go feels like apathy. Letting
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go is engaged stewardship. It may feel like apathy
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if you've been hypervigilant for so long. You
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act clearly where you have agency and release
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where you don't. It's not quitting, it's quitting
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the illusion of control. Myth two is control
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equals strength. That's a good one. Control is
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often fear in a leadership costume. Like me and
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my wife or my codependent relationships in the
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past, real strength is clarity, clean requests,
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loving limits, and trust. Where saying no doesn't
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have costly consequences. If it does now, that's
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a check engine light for you. Myth number three,
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if I stop managing, results will tank. Results
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improve with systems, explicit expectations,
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and accountability. Micromanagement drains capacity
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and erodes trust. Like we said earlier, smothered
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teams can perform for short timeframes and bursts,
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but it will always end in frustration and failure.
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Now hold on to those because they'll frame everything
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that follows. Next, we'll talk about the selective
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focus framework. Imagine with me three concentric
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circles, which is your map for peace. Circle
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one is going to be me, which is mine to carry.
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This represents my mindset, my preparation, my
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words, my schedule, my follow -through. This
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circle is where excellence lives and where identity
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-based habits compound. When I focus here, I
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feel powerful and peaceful because I'm acting
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where my action matters. An example you could
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write in here is, I will be clear in writing
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what I finished, what's next, and what I need.
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Another example is, I will protect a 60 -minute
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block for focus daily or any other important
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commitment that you want to insert in there and
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silence notifications so I can follow through.
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And finally, The last example, I will tell the
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truth or how I feel in one clean sentence instead
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of a 300 -word justification. If they need clarification,
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they will ask, or at least they should ask, and
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that's their responsibility. Now the second circle
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is we, which is a shared space. This is where
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collaboration lives. Clear asks, shared definitions
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of done. agreed timelines, and cadenced check
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-ins. Here, we establish boundaries, prevent
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mind -reading, and say no at times. We don't
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guess, we agree. Here's some examples. One phrase
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I like is painting it done, which is what the
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assignment is. For example, draft three bullets,
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one chart, sources linked, due by Thursday at
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3 p .m. Who's the owner? Who's the reviewer?
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When are we checking in? Monday, 10 minutes,
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at 10 a .m. Another example of this is, if we
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slip, we cut the scope, not sleep. Decide up
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front what your sacrifices and boundaries are.
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And the last circle, circle three, which is not
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mine. This represents other people's reactions
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and responses. Final outcomes I can't guarantee.
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Timing outside of my control, the market, the
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algorithm, the weather. This is a surrender space.
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Here's some examples of not mine. How my truth
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lands in someone else's nervous system. Their
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reactions, responses, and emotions. Or the exact
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day the vendor decides to fix their API. or whether
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someone's ready to do their inner work. So here's
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the daily filter. The biggest question is, is
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this mine to carry? If yes, act on purpose. If
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not, release on purpose. So in a scenario, let's
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say there's a slipping deadline. For you, it's
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deliver your portion, communicate the obstacle,
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and propose next steps. The we is... we redefine
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what done looks like and reset the date on the
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record. And the not mine is, I release the other
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team's pace and emotions until I check in. This
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is all designed to control what you carry and
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release what carries you. You can't control people,
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only your response. And that's enough. So let's
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go through a practice block. The question is,
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is this mine? If you're listening while walking
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or sitting at your desk, take a breath. Let's
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do a quick 90 -second audit together. Grab a
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note or open your phone and write a current situation
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that you're dealing with at the top. Whatever's
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stealing your peace right now. Underneath, draw
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two quick columns. On the left, write mine. On
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the right, write not mine. Don't think too hard.
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Just gut list what comes up. In the mind column,
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jot things you can directly control, like your
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actions, words, follow -ups, attitude, or preparation.
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In the not mind column, drop everything you can't
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control. Other people's reactions, outcomes,
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or timing. Now, circle one thing under mine you'll
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do today. Draw a line through one thing under
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not mine, and say quietly if needed. I release
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outcomes and timing. And that's it. You just
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did a rep. The muscle we're training, that's
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it. It's not about fixing everything. It's about
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choosing clarity over control. We'll keep building
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on this. The next idea is that boundaries are
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love, not walls. Boundaries aren't rejection.
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They are stewardship. They define where responsibility
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ends so love can be given and received freely,
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not resentfully or out of guilt. No rescuing
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from consequences. If you rescue someone from
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every ripple, you teach dependence and bury your
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resentment. Loving limits protects both of you.
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Codependency causes ego fatigue. Over -responsibility
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feels noble, but it slowly empties the tank.
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Resentment turns into an unpaid invoice of sorts.
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So as a result, impeccable words and released
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outcomes tell the truth. Make a clean ask. You're
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combining impeccable words with released outcomes
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by telling the truth, making a clean ask, communicating
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a boundary. Then let go of how it's received.
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Honesty without control is courage. Here's some
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boundary scripts for inspiration. To protect
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my focus, I won't answer messages after 7pm.
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I will reply the next morning at 8. Or... I can
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help with X, but I won't be responsible for Y.
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If Y doesn't happen, we'll need to reschedule.
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Or, I'm not available for that, but here's what
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I can do. The next one is really good and pretty
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tough to do, but if you can pull it off, it's
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powerful. If we raise our voices, I'm going to
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pause the conversation and come back in an hour.
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That might be hard to hear, but that's a good
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one. And lastly, We agreed done equals three
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bullets in one chart. If that scope expands,
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let's move the date. So if someone's going to
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move the goalposts on you, it's important for
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you to establish the boundary of maybe the timeline
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needs to extend. Loving limits keep love from
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spoiling and turning toxic. Tell the truth, then
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let go of the outcome. Here's a way this might
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go in a weekend work request scenario. The manager
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might ask, can you turn this around by Sunday?
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And you might reply, I can deliver a draft by
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Monday at 10 a .m. To protect my family time,
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I'm offline on Sunday. If Sunday's non -negotiable,
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we'll need to cut scope. The manager might say,
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well, we really need it by Sunday. To which you
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can reply, then I can do either fewer slides
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by Sunday or have a full scope on Monday, which
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works for you. This establishes a boundary and
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also gives up options, not control. Another way
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this might play out is maybe at home with a family
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budget conversation. Sometimes that may be a
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little tense. So one partner might say, why are
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you being controlling about the budget? Do you
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not trust me? There's a lot carried in that question.
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So you might respond, clarity helps me stay calm
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and understand. I'll own building the sheet.
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Can you own adding receipts every Friday? If
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we miss that, we might have to pause discretionary
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spending until it's updated. Or maybe another
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way is when you have a friend in a perpetual
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crisis. Maybe they're constantly stuck with a
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situation like with their landlord. They might
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ask you, can you call my landlord for me? To
00:16:13.429 --> 00:16:16.240
which you can respond, I care about you, but
00:16:16.240 --> 00:16:18.960
I'm not going to make the call. I can help you
00:16:18.960 --> 00:16:21.580
draft what to say for 15 minutes at 4 o 'clock.
00:16:21.840 --> 00:16:24.659
If you want a script after that, I can text it.
00:16:25.279 --> 00:16:29.200
All of these examples show a way of setting boundaries
00:16:29.200 --> 00:16:31.679
while being respectful and understanding of the
00:16:31.679 --> 00:16:34.440
other person. So the practice block for this
00:16:34.440 --> 00:16:38.720
section is finding a one -sentence boundary in
00:16:38.720 --> 00:16:42.480
a situation. Pick a live situation and let's
00:16:42.480 --> 00:16:44.980
complete this template. The template's pretty
00:16:44.980 --> 00:16:49.159
simple. It's to protect, fill in a value or focus,
00:16:49.399 --> 00:16:55.360
I will, what you will do, I won't, insert your
00:16:55.360 --> 00:17:00.779
line, if, condition, then, consequence or alternative.
00:17:01.539 --> 00:17:05.619
So here's the example. To protect my rest and
00:17:05.619 --> 00:17:09.259
focus, I will go on do not disturb at 6 p .m.
00:17:09.460 --> 00:17:13.869
I won't respond to messages after that. If something
00:17:13.869 --> 00:17:17.029
comes up, then it will be handled at 8 a .m.
00:17:17.029 --> 00:17:20.569
the next morning. Say it once out loud, whatever
00:17:20.569 --> 00:17:23.529
your version is, and notice your body, your breath.
00:17:24.069 --> 00:17:27.190
That's your sentence. Practice it, put it in
00:17:27.190 --> 00:17:31.109
notes, and use it this week. Notice what that
00:17:31.109 --> 00:17:34.250
sentence does. It tells the truth, defines the
00:17:34.250 --> 00:17:37.289
line, and offers a fair alternative. You're not
00:17:37.289 --> 00:17:40.069
saying, I don't care. You're saying, I'll be
00:17:40.069 --> 00:17:44.750
at my best when I rest. This happens sometimes
00:17:44.750 --> 00:17:48.190
in leadership when your employees are anxious
00:17:48.190 --> 00:17:50.809
to know the answer of a non -emergency question.
00:17:51.869 --> 00:17:54.890
And sometimes they ask you those questions during
00:17:54.890 --> 00:17:57.710
non -work hours. Now, of course, you can answer
00:17:57.710 --> 00:18:00.170
the question. I'm not saying not to. But there
00:18:00.170 --> 00:18:03.130
are times that the request can be very demanding
00:18:03.130 --> 00:18:06.289
and insensitive, especially given the time, sometimes
00:18:06.289 --> 00:18:08.829
during holidays or maybe a Sunday or something.
00:18:09.269 --> 00:18:12.819
And this is a perfect time. To either reply with
00:18:12.819 --> 00:18:15.900
something like this, or just not reply, to set
00:18:15.900 --> 00:18:18.779
a tone, to set the boundary, and help them understand
00:18:18.779 --> 00:18:24.059
that they can wait. Now, what do we do when control
00:18:24.059 --> 00:18:28.440
feels necessary? How do we disarm it? Let's honor
00:18:28.440 --> 00:18:32.660
why control grabs the wheel. It's uncertainty
00:18:32.660 --> 00:18:35.460
intolerance. When the unknown feels threatening,
00:18:35.700 --> 00:18:38.420
our minds sprint to the worst -case scenario.
00:18:39.389 --> 00:18:43.150
Control pretends to remove uncertainty, but it
00:18:43.150 --> 00:18:46.849
doesn't. It just postpones fear and adds exhaustion.
00:18:47.490 --> 00:18:51.170
And that creates attachment patterns. If security
00:18:51.170 --> 00:18:54.869
was inconsistent, we may try to manage connections
00:18:54.869 --> 00:18:57.910
by managing people, similar to my wife and I
00:18:57.910 --> 00:19:02.369
early on. It's not evil, it's human. So being
00:19:02.369 --> 00:19:05.029
aware of it creates the opportunity for a different
00:19:05.029 --> 00:19:09.089
choice. There's also ego fatigue. Constant self
00:19:09.089 --> 00:19:12.009
-monitoring, pleasing, persuading, and predicting
00:19:12.009 --> 00:19:16.329
drains prefrontal resources. Decision quality
00:19:16.329 --> 00:19:19.869
drops, irritability rises, and we try to control
00:19:19.869 --> 00:19:23.509
more to fix the turbulence we created. It's such
00:19:23.509 --> 00:19:28.309
a vicious cycle. Surrender interrupts the loop.
00:19:28.450 --> 00:19:32.309
And when you refocus on the me -we circles, it
00:19:32.309 --> 00:19:36.329
creates real agency. Surrender interrupts the
00:19:36.329 --> 00:19:41.710
loop by refocusing on the me -we circles, which
00:19:41.710 --> 00:19:46.309
creates real agency, downshifting the body with
00:19:46.309 --> 00:19:50.950
slow breath, shoulders down, jaw relaxed, using
00:19:50.950 --> 00:19:54.309
one clean sentence to establish a boundary or
00:19:54.309 --> 00:19:58.410
making an honest request, release and schedule
00:19:58.410 --> 00:20:01.430
a check -in so your brain doesn't ruminate. If
00:20:01.430 --> 00:20:04.569
you have questions, ask. Don't guess or assume.
00:20:05.089 --> 00:20:09.170
Ask one curious question instead of persuading.
00:20:10.150 --> 00:20:13.609
When we do these repeatedly, insecurity loses
00:20:13.609 --> 00:20:17.009
its oxygen. We don't become passive, we become
00:20:17.009 --> 00:20:22.150
clear and calm. Here's our next practice block.
00:20:22.450 --> 00:20:27.009
The breath downshift and the reframe. Did you
00:20:27.009 --> 00:20:30.009
know... That deep breathing can reset the limbic
00:20:30.009 --> 00:20:32.630
system that is responsible for causing anxiety,
00:20:32.930 --> 00:20:36.990
panic attacks, stress, and more. Some very popular
00:20:36.990 --> 00:20:40.329
breathing techniques are the double inhale exhale.
00:20:40.730 --> 00:20:44.069
Dr. Andrew Huberman is famous for this one. You're
00:20:44.069 --> 00:20:45.950
like, how do I double inhale? That sounds weird.
00:20:46.130 --> 00:20:48.690
So you take the deepest breath that you possibly
00:20:48.690 --> 00:20:53.789
can in and then take another small breath right
00:20:53.789 --> 00:21:01.279
on top and then exhale. This drastically lowers
00:21:01.279 --> 00:21:04.500
your heart rate quickly. Another popular one
00:21:04.500 --> 00:21:07.599
is 10 deep breaths with no significant pattern.
00:21:07.940 --> 00:21:11.500
And another popular one is the 4x4. Think of
00:21:11.500 --> 00:21:14.359
a square that you can breathe around. 4 seconds
00:21:14.359 --> 00:21:18.299
on each side, breathing in for 4, holding for
00:21:18.299 --> 00:21:23.380
4, out for 4, and hold for 4. In all of these,
00:21:23.599 --> 00:21:26.119
try to breathe in through the nose and out through
00:21:26.119 --> 00:21:28.750
the mouth. dropping your shoulders, unclenching
00:21:28.750 --> 00:21:32.329
your jaw. On every exhale, picture your hands
00:21:32.329 --> 00:21:35.150
opening or relax a different part of your body.
00:21:35.809 --> 00:21:39.829
You can say things like, I'll do what is mine
00:21:39.829 --> 00:21:44.369
as you inhale, and release the rest as you exhale.
00:21:45.410 --> 00:21:48.769
Some common questions I saw around this topic
00:21:48.769 --> 00:21:53.329
were, number one, if I stop controlling, won't
00:21:53.329 --> 00:21:57.599
the results tank? Results actually tank when
00:21:57.599 --> 00:22:00.900
roles are fuzzy. Replace control with structure.
00:22:01.799 --> 00:22:04.920
Definition of done in writing, put things down
00:22:04.920 --> 00:22:09.359
to establish quality and scope. Only having one
00:22:09.359 --> 00:22:12.400
owner per deliverable, everyone can contribute,
00:22:12.519 --> 00:22:15.759
but only one person owns. A friend of mine, Glenn
00:22:15.759 --> 00:22:17.960
Lundy, says that if everyone's a champion of
00:22:17.960 --> 00:22:20.299
something, nobody's a champion. You gotta have
00:22:20.299 --> 00:22:23.720
that one person. And then there's a cadence.
00:22:24.380 --> 00:22:27.039
where follow -up is scheduled regularly with
00:22:27.039 --> 00:22:29.680
a weekly check -in to see what the agenda is,
00:22:29.819 --> 00:22:31.799
if there's any blocks, and what the next steps
00:22:31.799 --> 00:22:35.599
are. And then what's the escalation rule? If
00:22:35.599 --> 00:22:39.460
a date slips, does scope need to be cut? What
00:22:39.460 --> 00:22:41.920
else needs to be sacrificed? Agree up front what
00:22:41.920 --> 00:22:45.000
this looks like and then move forward. And you'll
00:22:45.000 --> 00:22:47.099
be surprised at what results can be possible.
00:22:48.299 --> 00:22:51.640
Number two, how do I set a boundary without feeling
00:22:51.640 --> 00:22:56.160
guilty? Guilt often means you learned love by
00:22:56.160 --> 00:23:00.019
overgiving. So, you are protecting your capacity
00:23:00.019 --> 00:23:03.460
to love and your integrity to love in a healthy
00:23:03.460 --> 00:23:06.799
way so you can keep loving well into next week.
00:23:07.339 --> 00:23:11.140
Deliver a boundary or a no calmly without an
00:23:11.140 --> 00:23:15.640
apology tour or 10 ,000 disclaimers. Question
00:23:15.640 --> 00:23:19.400
three is, what if they ignore my boundary? A
00:23:19.400 --> 00:23:22.279
boundary without consequence is just a preference.
00:23:22.829 --> 00:23:25.789
So pair the line with a follow -through. Like
00:23:25.789 --> 00:23:28.769
something like, if meetings run over, I'll leave
00:23:28.769 --> 00:23:32.730
at the hour and read the notes. Do it twice and
00:23:32.730 --> 00:23:34.750
people will realize what your boundaries are.
00:23:35.690 --> 00:23:39.589
People learn your boundaries by how you honor
00:23:39.589 --> 00:23:43.049
them. I'll say that again. People learn your
00:23:43.049 --> 00:23:47.569
boundaries by how you honor them. Question four.
00:23:48.430 --> 00:23:51.190
Uncertainty makes me anxious. How do I let go
00:23:51.190 --> 00:23:57.619
there? Three moves, body, map, micro task. Body,
00:23:57.660 --> 00:24:00.079
start with breath work. It's one of the techniques
00:24:00.079 --> 00:24:02.440
we talked about earlier, and it's massively effective
00:24:02.440 --> 00:24:06.740
at resetting anxiety. The map is what we talked
00:24:06.740 --> 00:24:10.240
about earlier, the me, we, and not mine listing.
00:24:10.920 --> 00:24:14.940
And the micro task, one 10 -minute action under
00:24:14.940 --> 00:24:18.079
me. This gives you progress that shrinks fear.
00:24:19.519 --> 00:24:22.509
Question five. What about genuine emergencies?
00:24:23.089 --> 00:24:27.049
In acute crises, we often expand the scope temporarily,
00:24:27.450 --> 00:24:32.130
but still keep lines. Say, I'll stay until midnight
00:24:32.130 --> 00:24:36.109
tonight, and tomorrow I'm offline at 6. After
00:24:36.109 --> 00:24:39.950
a crisis, retro back. Systemize so it's rarer.
00:24:40.269 --> 00:24:42.829
And remember, with codependent relationships,
00:24:43.390 --> 00:24:47.029
emergencies may seem like emergencies, but they
00:24:47.029 --> 00:24:52.049
might not be. Question six is, how do I stop
00:24:52.049 --> 00:24:56.210
codependency without sounding cold? I would say
00:24:56.210 --> 00:25:00.069
use warmth and clarity. Like, I care about you.
00:25:00.130 --> 00:25:03.309
I'll help you think for 20 minutes. I won't own
00:25:03.309 --> 00:25:07.549
the decision though. Be warm and also give the
00:25:07.549 --> 00:25:10.970
line after that. Also, keep in mind that establishing
00:25:10.970 --> 00:25:13.990
boundaries where there has been none may take
00:25:13.990 --> 00:25:16.769
time for both of you to adjust to and respect.
00:25:18.299 --> 00:25:21.759
Question seven is, isn't protecting my peace
00:25:21.759 --> 00:25:27.160
just avoidance? Well, sometimes it is. You can't
00:25:27.160 --> 00:25:29.680
freak out about something at work if you don't
00:25:29.680 --> 00:25:32.420
know about it. But if you find out about it because
00:25:32.420 --> 00:25:34.640
you couldn't help yourself from looking at your
00:25:34.640 --> 00:25:38.440
email after hours, that's on you. We talk a lot
00:25:38.440 --> 00:25:41.019
about curiosity, but you have to control it.
00:25:41.640 --> 00:25:45.180
Mature surrender faces truth, sets a boundary,
00:25:45.460 --> 00:25:49.460
takes action, and releases outcomes. It's proper,
00:25:49.640 --> 00:25:54.859
timely engagement, not escape. Question eight.
00:25:55.039 --> 00:25:59.740
How do I keep boundaries with a boss? Use scope
00:25:59.740 --> 00:26:03.480
and schedule options. Something like, we can
00:26:03.480 --> 00:26:06.160
hit Friday with half the charts or Monday with
00:26:06.160 --> 00:26:09.759
all four. Which do you prefer? This gives an
00:26:09.759 --> 00:26:12.450
option. and presents collaborative discussion
00:26:12.450 --> 00:26:15.769
around the topic. If the answer is Friday on
00:26:15.769 --> 00:26:18.470
all four, escalate to the trade -off conversation.
00:26:19.109 --> 00:26:22.470
To deliver that, I'll need to drop X or add Y
00:26:22.470 --> 00:26:26.789
as a resource. If your boss trusts you and they're
00:26:26.789 --> 00:26:29.009
a good leader, things like this will get them
00:26:29.009 --> 00:26:31.950
collaborating with you. They may ask clarifying
00:26:31.950 --> 00:26:34.890
questions to explore why you have those boundaries.
00:26:35.269 --> 00:26:37.930
Be prepared for that and explore together what
00:26:37.930 --> 00:26:41.539
those things might look like. And question nine,
00:26:41.740 --> 00:26:46.599
what if I'm the controlling one at home? Own
00:26:46.599 --> 00:26:49.920
it out loud. Tell your partner, hey, I realize
00:26:49.920 --> 00:26:52.140
I've been trying to manage how you feel so I
00:26:52.140 --> 00:26:55.440
can feel secure. I'm working on it, and I'm asking
00:26:55.440 --> 00:26:58.480
more questions to state what I need. Then pick
00:26:58.480 --> 00:27:01.240
one small behavior to change this week, tell
00:27:01.240 --> 00:27:04.779
them the plan, and see how it goes. Remember,
00:27:05.039 --> 00:27:10.019
we're after progress, not perfection. So what's
00:27:10.019 --> 00:27:13.519
the trust transfer protocol? It's your daily
00:27:13.519 --> 00:27:18.599
move to use when control urges spike. So step
00:27:18.599 --> 00:27:22.079
one is naming the load. It's the mine, not mine
00:27:22.079 --> 00:27:24.960
exercise. We already practiced that. So remember,
00:27:25.099 --> 00:27:28.980
keep it quick. Step two is breath and body. Downshift
00:27:28.980 --> 00:27:31.960
your system, breath work, shoulders down, jaw
00:27:31.960 --> 00:27:36.059
relaxed. On the exhale, picture your hands opening
00:27:36.059 --> 00:27:39.319
or relaxing parts of your body. Step three is
00:27:39.319 --> 00:27:42.359
that one -sentence boundary, truth and ask, no
00:27:42.359 --> 00:27:45.039
persuasion, deliver it in writing if emotions
00:27:45.039 --> 00:27:49.819
raise high. Step four is releasing rituals, saying
00:27:49.819 --> 00:27:52.339
out loud, I release the outcomes and timing.
00:27:52.700 --> 00:27:55.759
Then put a check -in in your calendar. External
00:27:55.759 --> 00:27:58.839
structure prevents rumination or overthinking.
00:28:00.200 --> 00:28:04.299
And step five, the curiosity rep. Swap the urge
00:28:04.299 --> 00:28:08.339
to convince for one generous question. Can you
00:28:08.339 --> 00:28:11.960
walk me through how you're seeing it? Or what
00:28:11.960 --> 00:28:16.299
would a win look like for you? Or maybe, what
00:28:16.299 --> 00:28:20.839
is the constraint I'm not seeing? Pray first,
00:28:21.220 --> 00:28:26.460
act next, release last. Say less, ask better,
00:28:26.640 --> 00:28:31.700
release sooner. What we're after is a situation
00:28:31.700 --> 00:28:34.920
like when someone sends a tense email across
00:28:34.920 --> 00:28:38.759
the bow. The old you would craft a 600 -word
00:28:38.759 --> 00:28:42.839
rebuttal, but the new you takes a breath and
00:28:42.839 --> 00:28:46.480
sends one question. What's the most important
00:28:46.480 --> 00:28:50.579
outcome you need by Friday? And that person replies
00:28:50.579 --> 00:28:55.180
with one line. You solve that, and then tensions
00:28:55.180 --> 00:28:59.779
drop from a nine to a two in five minutes. Curiosity
00:28:59.779 --> 00:29:04.000
buys peace at such a discount. That's what we're
00:29:04.000 --> 00:29:09.049
after. So in relationships, how do we shift from
00:29:09.049 --> 00:29:11.769
management to care? Let's bring this back to
00:29:11.769 --> 00:29:15.609
the people you love and lead. In a codependency
00:29:15.609 --> 00:29:18.910
snapshot, you overgive to keep the peace. You
00:29:18.910 --> 00:29:22.309
absorb what isn't yours. You give to get something
00:29:22.309 --> 00:29:25.670
you crave in return. It's a type of love that
00:29:25.670 --> 00:29:29.289
runs on anxiety and fear. Over time, you teach
00:29:29.289 --> 00:29:32.289
others to outsource responsibility, and you teach
00:29:32.289 --> 00:29:35.579
yourself to bury resentment. That isn't peace,
00:29:35.839 --> 00:29:39.460
and it will bury you. A healthy alternative is
00:29:39.460 --> 00:29:44.079
ask before advising. Like, do you want a sounding
00:29:44.079 --> 00:29:47.920
board or a solution? Men, this is a very good
00:29:47.920 --> 00:29:50.240
question to ask your wives when they're wanting
00:29:50.240 --> 00:29:52.380
to tell you about something. That's for free.
00:29:53.559 --> 00:29:57.500
Offer bounded help. I can brainstorm for 20 minutes
00:29:57.500 --> 00:30:01.180
on Tuesday. I can't own the decision, though.
00:30:01.839 --> 00:30:05.119
Let someone make their own choices. But it doesn't
00:30:05.119 --> 00:30:07.119
mean you can't be helpful in trying to help them
00:30:07.119 --> 00:30:10.839
figure it out. Or maybe reflecting an impact
00:30:10.839 --> 00:30:15.619
without accusation. For example, when we skip
00:30:15.619 --> 00:30:18.480
the budget check -ins, I scramble. I need us
00:30:18.480 --> 00:30:21.319
to keep the Thursday slot or pick a new one.
00:30:21.839 --> 00:30:24.259
Or maybe this one that we worked on a couple
00:30:24.259 --> 00:30:29.000
weeks ago. When you say or do X, you make me
00:30:29.000 --> 00:30:33.539
feel Y. Is that how you want me to feel? All
00:30:33.539 --> 00:30:36.420
of these things help stir that responsibility
00:30:36.420 --> 00:30:40.299
on both sides of the relational equation. So
00:30:40.299 --> 00:30:44.059
picture a parent -teen curfew conversation. The
00:30:44.059 --> 00:30:46.319
teen might say with all the emotion in the world,
00:30:46.359 --> 00:30:49.900
you never trust me. The parent will say, I love
00:30:49.900 --> 00:30:52.759
you. I'm responsible for your safety. Curfew's
00:30:52.759 --> 00:30:55.519
at 10. If you're late, the car stays home next
00:30:55.519 --> 00:30:58.420
weekend. Do you want to plan rides together?
00:30:59.069 --> 00:31:02.450
The teen might respond, that's unfair. And the
00:31:02.450 --> 00:31:05.569
calm parent can respond back, I hear you. 10
00:31:05.569 --> 00:31:08.450
p .m. is the line. I'm here to help you hit it.
00:31:09.710 --> 00:31:12.450
Or how about the self -talk after a mistake?
00:31:12.769 --> 00:31:16.890
Anyone? Overthinkers? Yes? So the old you is
00:31:16.890 --> 00:31:19.509
going to ruminate and toss that mistake in your
00:31:19.509 --> 00:31:23.769
mind constantly. The idea is the new you can
00:31:23.769 --> 00:31:27.049
own the apology and replan how to move forward.
00:31:27.529 --> 00:31:30.410
but not ruminate and overthink about this mistake
00:31:30.410 --> 00:31:35.509
for eons. In business, remember that teams mirror
00:31:35.509 --> 00:31:38.690
leaders. If you model boundaries, curiosity,
00:31:38.769 --> 00:31:41.589
and clarity, you'll show your team how it's done
00:31:41.589 --> 00:31:44.609
by going first. Meetings will shrink, ownership
00:31:44.609 --> 00:31:47.109
rises, and the culture moves from management
00:31:47.109 --> 00:31:52.809
to care, from fear to trust. And as a leader,
00:31:52.930 --> 00:31:55.470
you can implement systems that reduce control
00:31:55.470 --> 00:31:58.849
urges. If you want less control, especially as
00:31:58.849 --> 00:32:01.490
a leader, build systems that carry that weight.
00:32:01.990 --> 00:32:05.509
A great one is the definition of the done library.
00:32:05.910 --> 00:32:08.710
In a specific project or system that you're trying
00:32:08.710 --> 00:32:12.630
to build, build a doc and keep it with examples
00:32:12.630 --> 00:32:15.990
of what the reoccurring work is and what completion
00:32:15.990 --> 00:32:19.329
looks like for each task. Like when a presentation
00:32:19.329 --> 00:32:22.210
is defined done, when the weekly update is done,
00:32:22.369 --> 00:32:25.519
when outreach is done and complete. Reuse and
00:32:25.519 --> 00:32:28.640
adapt this to define what complete tasks look
00:32:28.640 --> 00:32:32.680
like so that you as the leader and you as the
00:32:32.680 --> 00:32:36.619
employee fully understand both sides. And as
00:32:36.619 --> 00:32:39.819
we said earlier, one owner per deliverable, no
00:32:39.819 --> 00:32:43.880
shared owners. Any group projects has one champion
00:32:43.880 --> 00:32:46.500
that's responsible. Others can contribute, but
00:32:46.500 --> 00:32:51.900
one owns the finish. Specifying dates in calendars
00:32:51.900 --> 00:32:55.680
is super important. establishing regular 15 to
00:32:55.680 --> 00:32:59.380
20 minute weekly check -ins to check project
00:32:59.380 --> 00:33:03.460
progress, to cover agenda, blockers, next steps,
00:33:03.559 --> 00:33:06.359
and establish more dates, and then establishing
00:33:06.359 --> 00:33:09.720
scope and scheduling rules. So when scope expands,
00:33:10.099 --> 00:33:13.480
what's going to happen to the schedule? Do you
00:33:13.480 --> 00:33:16.680
cut scope or do you extend the schedule? Decide
00:33:16.680 --> 00:33:19.599
what you start, what the default is, and then
00:33:19.599 --> 00:33:22.579
you can adjust from there. And then keep a decision
00:33:22.579 --> 00:33:26.000
log. a one -page record of every decision, owner,
00:33:26.180 --> 00:33:29.740
date, and why. This eliminates circular arguments
00:33:29.740 --> 00:33:34.000
and abdication of responsibility. And then what's
00:33:34.000 --> 00:33:37.339
the escalation path? If a deadline slides, the
00:33:37.339 --> 00:33:40.019
owner proposes a trade -off within 24 hours.
00:33:40.180 --> 00:33:42.720
This keeps the responsibility with the owner,
00:33:42.779 --> 00:33:45.980
not the rescuer or the boss, and helps progress
00:33:45.980 --> 00:33:51.500
move forward. These structures help replace micromanagement.
00:33:51.500 --> 00:33:54.019
They let you lead without holding everything
00:33:54.019 --> 00:33:57.519
in your head. And finally, if you're a person
00:33:57.519 --> 00:34:02.299
of faith like I am, letting go is not an abdication,
00:34:02.519 --> 00:34:05.039
it's alignment. You're choosing to act where
00:34:05.039 --> 00:34:09.039
you can and trust where you can't. Two powerful
00:34:09.039 --> 00:34:12.639
anchors I paraphrase often are trust the Lord
00:34:12.639 --> 00:34:15.699
with all your heart, don't lean on your own limited
00:34:15.699 --> 00:34:18.690
understanding, In everything you do, acknowledge
00:34:18.690 --> 00:34:22.429
him and he'll straighten your path. And also,
00:34:22.610 --> 00:34:26.250
don't get swallowed by worry. Pray specifically,
00:34:26.550 --> 00:34:30.309
express thanks with gratitude. Peace, bigger
00:34:30.309 --> 00:34:32.829
than your understanding, will guard your heart
00:34:32.829 --> 00:34:36.969
and mind. This is not a license to drift. It's
00:34:36.969 --> 00:34:39.670
an invitation to act clearly and rest honestly.
00:34:40.210 --> 00:34:44.469
Letting go makes room for peace to arrive. Identity
00:34:44.469 --> 00:34:48.710
first, and then outcome second. So let's recap.
00:34:49.030 --> 00:34:52.150
We talked about the three circles, the me, we,
00:34:52.369 --> 00:34:55.309
and the not mine. We talked about boundaries
00:34:55.309 --> 00:34:59.010
equals love. Clarity without control prevents
00:34:59.010 --> 00:35:03.150
this resentment. The trust transfer, which is
00:35:03.150 --> 00:35:07.389
sorting, breathing, boundary, release, check
00:35:07.389 --> 00:35:12.380
-in, curiosity, and an optional faith line. curiosity
00:35:12.380 --> 00:35:17.099
over persuasion, getting better answers with
00:35:17.099 --> 00:35:21.280
less conflict, systems over micromanagement,
00:35:21.300 --> 00:35:25.019
the definition of done, owners, cadence, scope,
00:35:25.219 --> 00:35:29.440
and scheduling rules, and identity, being the
00:35:29.440 --> 00:35:32.980
kind of person who carries what's yours and releases
00:35:32.980 --> 00:35:36.940
what isn't. So do what's yours and trust God
00:35:36.940 --> 00:35:40.920
with the rest. In our next episode, we'll cover
00:35:40.920 --> 00:35:45.599
health. Where do we even start? How it can feel
00:35:45.599 --> 00:35:48.980
overwhelming to get dialed in? Is too little
00:35:48.980 --> 00:35:53.139
really too late? And who do we trust or listen
00:35:53.139 --> 00:35:55.900
to? The experts aren't even on the same page.
00:35:56.340 --> 00:35:59.159
I hope to catch you then. In the meantime...
00:35:59.389 --> 00:36:01.369
Thanks for listening to the Optimizing Beyond
00:36:01.369 --> 00:36:04.329
podcast. Remember, growth happens when you take
00:36:04.329 --> 00:36:07.329
action. So subscribe, share this with a friend,
00:36:07.349 --> 00:36:10.110
and most importantly, put what you learned into
00:36:10.110 --> 00:36:13.050
practice. Until next time, keep moving forward
00:36:13.050 --> 00:36:16.250
because daily anything changes everything.
00:00:01.960 --> 00:00:05.179
Welcome to the Optimizing Beyond podcast. I'm
00:00:05.179 --> 00:00:07.379
Josh Negron, and this show's all about sharing
00:00:07.379 --> 00:00:11.099
lessons, ideas, and strategies that sharpen your
00:00:11.099 --> 00:00:13.939
thinking, strengthen your habits, and push you
00:00:13.939 --> 00:00:17.019
to grow beyond comfort zones. Let's dive in.
00:00:20.820 --> 00:00:24.160
Most of us don't get crushed by a single boulder.
00:00:24.620 --> 00:00:28.239
We get worn down by more and more gravel. These
00:00:28.239 --> 00:00:31.079
tiny attempts to manage everyone's moods, every
00:00:31.079 --> 00:00:34.240
timeline, and every outcome. It can be exhausting.
00:00:34.659 --> 00:00:37.299
At first, it looks like we're being responsible
00:00:37.299 --> 00:00:41.159
or caring and loving. Then it quietly becomes
00:00:41.159 --> 00:00:44.840
hypervigilance, checking in again, rephrasing
00:00:44.840 --> 00:00:49.070
the text. Staying late to make sure, disclaiming
00:00:49.070 --> 00:00:52.130
your words constantly, circling back and back,
00:00:52.350 --> 00:00:55.350
and even softening the truth so nobody's upset.
00:00:56.030 --> 00:01:00.109
Pressure rises, energy drains, and peace shrinks.
00:01:00.689 --> 00:01:03.829
Zoom out for a second. Surveys in the last two
00:01:03.829 --> 00:01:07.549
years show anxiety trending up and burnout everywhere.
00:01:08.069 --> 00:01:11.109
And here's the kicker. I think the more we try
00:01:11.109 --> 00:01:14.010
to control what isn't ours, the less peace we'll
00:01:14.010 --> 00:01:18.290
feel. Why? Because control promises certainty
00:01:18.290 --> 00:01:22.650
it can't deliver. It's a costly illusion. Let's
00:01:22.650 --> 00:01:25.090
reframe it right now so we don't waste another
00:01:25.090 --> 00:01:28.769
week. Letting go is disciplined stewardship.
00:01:29.069 --> 00:01:33.049
It's not giving up. It's doing your part with
00:01:33.049 --> 00:01:35.909
clarity and excellence and then releasing outcomes,
00:01:36.469 --> 00:01:39.290
timing, and other people's emotions, actions,
00:01:39.510 --> 00:01:43.129
and reactions. It's not apathy. It's wisdom.
00:01:43.879 --> 00:01:46.620
That's leadership inside your circle of agency.
00:01:47.400 --> 00:01:51.019
Today, we'll give you three things you can use
00:01:51.019 --> 00:01:54.500
immediately. The Selective Focus Framework to
00:01:54.500 --> 00:01:58.239
right -size your responsibility, boundary reps
00:01:58.239 --> 00:02:01.700
you can actually say and practice, and a faith
00:02:01.700 --> 00:02:05.340
-grounded trust transfer protocol to run in minutes
00:02:05.340 --> 00:02:10.159
when control urges spike. Peace begins where
00:02:10.159 --> 00:02:13.919
control ends. So... Let's get your peace back.
00:02:15.400 --> 00:02:18.099
Early in my marriage, I got hit with a hard lesson,
00:02:18.240 --> 00:02:21.039
and I didn't know that I needed, and I've never
00:02:21.039 --> 00:02:23.580
forgotten it. My wife and I were disagreeing
00:02:23.580 --> 00:02:25.580
about something that she was probably right on,
00:02:25.659 --> 00:02:28.379
and I was working hard to persuade her to change
00:02:28.379 --> 00:02:31.819
her mind. Finally, towards the end, in a tense
00:02:31.819 --> 00:02:35.020
moment, my wife looked at me with tears in her
00:02:35.020 --> 00:02:38.340
eyes and said, I'm allowed to have my own thoughts
00:02:38.340 --> 00:02:42.550
and opinions. Honestly, I was shocked. I wasn't
00:02:42.550 --> 00:02:45.710
yelling, I wasn't slamming doors, but I was pushing
00:02:45.710 --> 00:02:48.229
her to change her mind, and I wasn't letting
00:02:48.229 --> 00:02:51.629
up, persuasively nudging, reshaping sentences,
00:02:51.889 --> 00:02:54.949
trying to land the plane my way, over and over.
00:02:55.289 --> 00:02:58.490
I began to ask myself why I was pushing so hard
00:02:58.490 --> 00:03:01.889
to make her think like me. After some good reflection,
00:03:02.250 --> 00:03:05.210
I realized I was insecure with disagreement in
00:03:05.210 --> 00:03:07.789
my relationship, and if she aligned with me on
00:03:07.789 --> 00:03:11.879
more things, I could feel more secure. That's
00:03:11.879 --> 00:03:15.479
control, folks. And control actually suffocates
00:03:15.479 --> 00:03:18.379
connection. I'm so thankful she vocalized feeling
00:03:18.379 --> 00:03:21.080
pressured and pushed, and maybe even sometimes
00:03:21.080 --> 00:03:25.319
gaslighted. It made me look at what I was unintentionally
00:03:25.319 --> 00:03:28.300
doing and allowed that reflection to change me
00:03:28.300 --> 00:03:32.139
over time. We started practicing something different.
00:03:32.599 --> 00:03:35.879
Curiosity over persuasion. Instead of, here's
00:03:35.879 --> 00:03:38.419
how you should see it, we tried, can you walk
00:03:38.419 --> 00:03:41.280
me through how you're seeing it? We began to
00:03:41.280 --> 00:03:43.740
tell each other the truth and letting go of how
00:03:43.740 --> 00:03:46.460
it landed. Sometimes I was able to understand
00:03:46.460 --> 00:03:50.020
her perspective and change my mind. Other times,
00:03:50.020 --> 00:03:53.060
she would still change her mind. And yet other
00:03:53.060 --> 00:03:56.240
times, we're still able to agree to disagree
00:03:56.240 --> 00:03:58.919
in a healthy way, and it doesn't leave either
00:03:58.919 --> 00:04:02.840
of us feeling insecure. Underneath that shift
00:04:02.840 --> 00:04:06.419
was faith, trusting God's timing over prediction.
00:04:07.180 --> 00:04:10.379
Letting go didn't erase responsibility, it actually
00:04:10.379 --> 00:04:14.259
clarified it. Do what's yours, release what isn't.
00:04:14.860 --> 00:04:18.459
Curiosity is influence, control is insecurity
00:04:18.459 --> 00:04:23.399
in disguise. As a former people pleaser, anyone
00:04:23.399 --> 00:04:26.100
else out there like me? It's a hard habit to
00:04:26.100 --> 00:04:28.459
kill because on the surface, you're such a nice,
00:04:28.480 --> 00:04:31.500
giving person. Who wouldn't want to have you
00:04:31.500 --> 00:04:34.629
around and be your friend? But there's a dark
00:04:34.629 --> 00:04:37.029
concept that often lurks beneath the surface,
00:04:37.170 --> 00:04:40.649
infecting and corroding things. Codependency.
00:04:41.970 --> 00:04:44.550
In many close relationships I've had over the
00:04:44.550 --> 00:04:47.689
decades, I became the fixer, the helper, the
00:04:47.689 --> 00:04:50.769
love bomber, the one who's always there. If there's
00:04:50.769 --> 00:04:53.910
a gap, I fill it. If there's a mess, I clean
00:04:53.910 --> 00:04:58.069
it. It feels loving until it feels heavy and
00:04:58.069 --> 00:05:01.709
wrong. I think for both parties, to be honest.
00:05:02.199 --> 00:05:04.879
It's too much for all the wrong reasons for each
00:05:04.879 --> 00:05:08.980
person. Relationships like transactions of debt
00:05:08.980 --> 00:05:12.220
and servitude, where resentment grows on both
00:05:12.220 --> 00:05:14.839
sides because of the inequity that isn't fair
00:05:14.839 --> 00:05:18.579
to either side. You can change that destructive
00:05:18.579 --> 00:05:22.279
pattern with boundaries. If done right, love
00:05:22.279 --> 00:05:25.920
doesn't shrink, resentment actually does. Things
00:05:25.920 --> 00:05:29.699
can equalize and stabilize. This often shows
00:05:29.699 --> 00:05:32.379
up when systems or projects are being built,
00:05:32.459 --> 00:05:34.779
and a leader does not delegate or communicate
00:05:34.779 --> 00:05:37.300
well with their team to ensure they're fully
00:05:37.300 --> 00:05:40.560
empowered and enabled to accomplish the task,
00:05:40.740 --> 00:05:43.839
project, or system. Most good leaders can think
00:05:43.839 --> 00:05:46.000
back to a time that they tried to do it all,
00:05:46.079 --> 00:05:49.540
only to discover that they were the very bottleneck
00:05:49.540 --> 00:05:53.279
holding everyone back. Not to mention, also causing
00:05:53.279 --> 00:05:55.740
frustration and sometimes even culture issues
00:05:55.740 --> 00:05:59.660
within the team. Ownership drops, tensions rise,
00:05:59.699 --> 00:06:03.120
and patience evaporates. When leaders replace
00:06:03.120 --> 00:06:06.000
micromanagement with written definitions of done,
00:06:06.220 --> 00:06:09.819
one owner per deliverable, and 20 -minute check
00:06:09.819 --> 00:06:13.079
-ins, as well as delegate and enable their teams,
00:06:13.500 --> 00:06:16.819
quality climbs, innovation and production rise,
00:06:17.139 --> 00:06:21.060
and peace returns. Teams don't need control,
00:06:21.319 --> 00:06:25.569
they need clarity and cadence. Let's reframe
00:06:25.569 --> 00:06:28.730
and address some common misconceptions. The first
00:06:28.730 --> 00:06:33.569
myth is letting go feels like apathy. Letting
00:06:33.569 --> 00:06:37.430
go is engaged stewardship. It may feel like apathy
00:06:37.430 --> 00:06:40.910
if you've been hypervigilant for so long. You
00:06:40.910 --> 00:06:43.329
act clearly where you have agency and release
00:06:43.329 --> 00:06:46.110
where you don't. It's not quitting, it's quitting
00:06:46.110 --> 00:06:50.990
the illusion of control. Myth two is control
00:06:50.990 --> 00:06:54.910
equals strength. That's a good one. Control is
00:06:54.910 --> 00:06:58.389
often fear in a leadership costume. Like me and
00:06:58.389 --> 00:07:00.689
my wife or my codependent relationships in the
00:07:00.689 --> 00:07:04.310
past, real strength is clarity, clean requests,
00:07:04.730 --> 00:07:09.550
loving limits, and trust. Where saying no doesn't
00:07:09.550 --> 00:07:13.250
have costly consequences. If it does now, that's
00:07:13.250 --> 00:07:16.829
a check engine light for you. Myth number three,
00:07:16.990 --> 00:07:21.689
if I stop managing, results will tank. Results
00:07:21.689 --> 00:07:24.649
improve with systems, explicit expectations,
00:07:24.889 --> 00:07:29.149
and accountability. Micromanagement drains capacity
00:07:29.149 --> 00:07:32.910
and erodes trust. Like we said earlier, smothered
00:07:32.910 --> 00:07:36.230
teams can perform for short timeframes and bursts,
00:07:36.430 --> 00:07:39.670
but it will always end in frustration and failure.
00:07:39.990 --> 00:07:42.550
Now hold on to those because they'll frame everything
00:07:42.550 --> 00:07:46.029
that follows. Next, we'll talk about the selective
00:07:46.029 --> 00:07:51.009
focus framework. Imagine with me three concentric
00:07:51.009 --> 00:07:54.970
circles, which is your map for peace. Circle
00:07:54.970 --> 00:07:58.970
one is going to be me, which is mine to carry.
00:07:59.350 --> 00:08:03.410
This represents my mindset, my preparation, my
00:08:03.410 --> 00:08:08.089
words, my schedule, my follow -through. This
00:08:08.089 --> 00:08:11.449
circle is where excellence lives and where identity
00:08:11.449 --> 00:08:14.980
-based habits compound. When I focus here, I
00:08:14.980 --> 00:08:17.620
feel powerful and peaceful because I'm acting
00:08:17.620 --> 00:08:20.899
where my action matters. An example you could
00:08:20.899 --> 00:08:23.480
write in here is, I will be clear in writing
00:08:23.480 --> 00:08:26.560
what I finished, what's next, and what I need.
00:08:27.279 --> 00:08:30.980
Another example is, I will protect a 60 -minute
00:08:30.980 --> 00:08:34.279
block for focus daily or any other important
00:08:34.279 --> 00:08:36.720
commitment that you want to insert in there and
00:08:36.720 --> 00:08:39.100
silence notifications so I can follow through.
00:08:39.580 --> 00:08:42.870
And finally, The last example, I will tell the
00:08:42.870 --> 00:08:46.389
truth or how I feel in one clean sentence instead
00:08:46.389 --> 00:08:50.029
of a 300 -word justification. If they need clarification,
00:08:50.429 --> 00:08:53.789
they will ask, or at least they should ask, and
00:08:53.789 --> 00:08:58.490
that's their responsibility. Now the second circle
00:08:58.490 --> 00:09:02.950
is we, which is a shared space. This is where
00:09:02.950 --> 00:09:07.389
collaboration lives. Clear asks, shared definitions
00:09:07.389 --> 00:09:11.330
of done. agreed timelines, and cadenced check
00:09:11.330 --> 00:09:14.830
-ins. Here, we establish boundaries, prevent
00:09:14.830 --> 00:09:19.230
mind -reading, and say no at times. We don't
00:09:19.230 --> 00:09:23.809
guess, we agree. Here's some examples. One phrase
00:09:23.809 --> 00:09:27.330
I like is painting it done, which is what the
00:09:27.330 --> 00:09:30.750
assignment is. For example, draft three bullets,
00:09:30.950 --> 00:09:34.210
one chart, sources linked, due by Thursday at
00:09:34.210 --> 00:09:37.759
3 p .m. Who's the owner? Who's the reviewer?
00:09:37.779 --> 00:09:40.600
When are we checking in? Monday, 10 minutes,
00:09:40.820 --> 00:09:44.799
at 10 a .m. Another example of this is, if we
00:09:44.799 --> 00:09:49.179
slip, we cut the scope, not sleep. Decide up
00:09:49.179 --> 00:09:51.779
front what your sacrifices and boundaries are.
00:09:52.600 --> 00:09:55.840
And the last circle, circle three, which is not
00:09:55.840 --> 00:09:59.490
mine. This represents other people's reactions
00:09:59.490 --> 00:10:03.210
and responses. Final outcomes I can't guarantee.
00:10:03.789 --> 00:10:06.990
Timing outside of my control, the market, the
00:10:06.990 --> 00:10:10.110
algorithm, the weather. This is a surrender space.
00:10:10.509 --> 00:10:14.230
Here's some examples of not mine. How my truth
00:10:14.230 --> 00:10:17.230
lands in someone else's nervous system. Their
00:10:17.230 --> 00:10:21.470
reactions, responses, and emotions. Or the exact
00:10:21.470 --> 00:10:26.039
day the vendor decides to fix their API. or whether
00:10:26.039 --> 00:10:29.860
someone's ready to do their inner work. So here's
00:10:29.860 --> 00:10:32.779
the daily filter. The biggest question is, is
00:10:32.779 --> 00:10:36.820
this mine to carry? If yes, act on purpose. If
00:10:36.820 --> 00:10:42.340
not, release on purpose. So in a scenario, let's
00:10:42.340 --> 00:10:45.840
say there's a slipping deadline. For you, it's
00:10:45.840 --> 00:10:49.139
deliver your portion, communicate the obstacle,
00:10:49.360 --> 00:10:54.440
and propose next steps. The we is... we redefine
00:10:54.440 --> 00:10:57.600
what done looks like and reset the date on the
00:10:57.600 --> 00:11:02.159
record. And the not mine is, I release the other
00:11:02.159 --> 00:11:06.679
team's pace and emotions until I check in. This
00:11:06.679 --> 00:11:09.440
is all designed to control what you carry and
00:11:09.440 --> 00:11:12.840
release what carries you. You can't control people,
00:11:12.960 --> 00:11:17.120
only your response. And that's enough. So let's
00:11:17.120 --> 00:11:20.139
go through a practice block. The question is,
00:11:20.320 --> 00:11:23.029
is this mine? If you're listening while walking
00:11:23.029 --> 00:11:25.529
or sitting at your desk, take a breath. Let's
00:11:25.529 --> 00:11:28.509
do a quick 90 -second audit together. Grab a
00:11:28.509 --> 00:11:31.529
note or open your phone and write a current situation
00:11:31.529 --> 00:11:34.950
that you're dealing with at the top. Whatever's
00:11:34.950 --> 00:11:38.110
stealing your peace right now. Underneath, draw
00:11:38.110 --> 00:11:42.769
two quick columns. On the left, write mine. On
00:11:42.769 --> 00:11:47.070
the right, write not mine. Don't think too hard.
00:11:47.679 --> 00:11:50.659
Just gut list what comes up. In the mind column,
00:11:50.940 --> 00:11:53.679
jot things you can directly control, like your
00:11:53.679 --> 00:11:57.440
actions, words, follow -ups, attitude, or preparation.
00:11:57.919 --> 00:12:01.279
In the not mind column, drop everything you can't
00:12:01.279 --> 00:12:03.980
control. Other people's reactions, outcomes,
00:12:04.200 --> 00:12:09.000
or timing. Now, circle one thing under mine you'll
00:12:09.000 --> 00:12:12.200
do today. Draw a line through one thing under
00:12:12.200 --> 00:12:16.460
not mine, and say quietly if needed. I release
00:12:16.460 --> 00:12:20.659
outcomes and timing. And that's it. You just
00:12:20.659 --> 00:12:23.519
did a rep. The muscle we're training, that's
00:12:23.519 --> 00:12:26.720
it. It's not about fixing everything. It's about
00:12:26.720 --> 00:12:30.279
choosing clarity over control. We'll keep building
00:12:30.279 --> 00:12:34.779
on this. The next idea is that boundaries are
00:12:34.779 --> 00:12:39.399
love, not walls. Boundaries aren't rejection.
00:12:39.720 --> 00:12:43.269
They are stewardship. They define where responsibility
00:12:43.269 --> 00:12:46.649
ends so love can be given and received freely,
00:12:46.909 --> 00:12:51.950
not resentfully or out of guilt. No rescuing
00:12:51.950 --> 00:12:54.690
from consequences. If you rescue someone from
00:12:54.690 --> 00:12:57.950
every ripple, you teach dependence and bury your
00:12:57.950 --> 00:13:01.230
resentment. Loving limits protects both of you.
00:13:02.240 --> 00:13:06.360
Codependency causes ego fatigue. Over -responsibility
00:13:06.360 --> 00:13:10.340
feels noble, but it slowly empties the tank.
00:13:10.519 --> 00:13:14.860
Resentment turns into an unpaid invoice of sorts.
00:13:15.600 --> 00:13:19.879
So as a result, impeccable words and released
00:13:19.879 --> 00:13:25.019
outcomes tell the truth. Make a clean ask. You're
00:13:25.019 --> 00:13:28.059
combining impeccable words with released outcomes
00:13:28.059 --> 00:13:32.200
by telling the truth, making a clean ask, communicating
00:13:32.200 --> 00:13:35.919
a boundary. Then let go of how it's received.
00:13:36.419 --> 00:13:40.659
Honesty without control is courage. Here's some
00:13:40.659 --> 00:13:43.899
boundary scripts for inspiration. To protect
00:13:43.899 --> 00:13:47.379
my focus, I won't answer messages after 7pm.
00:13:47.419 --> 00:13:53.129
I will reply the next morning at 8. Or... I can
00:13:53.129 --> 00:13:56.049
help with X, but I won't be responsible for Y.
00:13:56.389 --> 00:13:58.990
If Y doesn't happen, we'll need to reschedule.
00:14:00.210 --> 00:14:03.470
Or, I'm not available for that, but here's what
00:14:03.470 --> 00:14:07.830
I can do. The next one is really good and pretty
00:14:07.830 --> 00:14:10.529
tough to do, but if you can pull it off, it's
00:14:10.529 --> 00:14:13.509
powerful. If we raise our voices, I'm going to
00:14:13.509 --> 00:14:15.929
pause the conversation and come back in an hour.
00:14:17.169 --> 00:14:19.230
That might be hard to hear, but that's a good
00:14:19.230 --> 00:14:23.759
one. And lastly, We agreed done equals three
00:14:23.759 --> 00:14:26.759
bullets in one chart. If that scope expands,
00:14:27.200 --> 00:14:29.960
let's move the date. So if someone's going to
00:14:29.960 --> 00:14:33.039
move the goalposts on you, it's important for
00:14:33.039 --> 00:14:35.779
you to establish the boundary of maybe the timeline
00:14:35.779 --> 00:14:40.059
needs to extend. Loving limits keep love from
00:14:40.059 --> 00:14:43.980
spoiling and turning toxic. Tell the truth, then
00:14:43.980 --> 00:14:47.399
let go of the outcome. Here's a way this might
00:14:47.399 --> 00:14:51.820
go in a weekend work request scenario. The manager
00:14:51.820 --> 00:14:54.399
might ask, can you turn this around by Sunday?
00:14:54.700 --> 00:14:57.700
And you might reply, I can deliver a draft by
00:14:57.700 --> 00:15:00.500
Monday at 10 a .m. To protect my family time,
00:15:00.659 --> 00:15:04.019
I'm offline on Sunday. If Sunday's non -negotiable,
00:15:04.179 --> 00:15:07.559
we'll need to cut scope. The manager might say,
00:15:07.820 --> 00:15:11.519
well, we really need it by Sunday. To which you
00:15:11.519 --> 00:15:15.740
can reply, then I can do either fewer slides
00:15:15.740 --> 00:15:19.379
by Sunday or have a full scope on Monday, which
00:15:19.379 --> 00:15:24.129
works for you. This establishes a boundary and
00:15:24.129 --> 00:15:28.429
also gives up options, not control. Another way
00:15:28.429 --> 00:15:31.389
this might play out is maybe at home with a family
00:15:31.389 --> 00:15:34.490
budget conversation. Sometimes that may be a
00:15:34.490 --> 00:15:38.990
little tense. So one partner might say, why are
00:15:38.990 --> 00:15:41.049
you being controlling about the budget? Do you
00:15:41.049 --> 00:15:44.330
not trust me? There's a lot carried in that question.
00:15:45.070 --> 00:15:48.450
So you might respond, clarity helps me stay calm
00:15:48.450 --> 00:15:51.529
and understand. I'll own building the sheet.
00:15:51.730 --> 00:15:55.389
Can you own adding receipts every Friday? If
00:15:55.389 --> 00:15:58.210
we miss that, we might have to pause discretionary
00:15:58.210 --> 00:16:01.850
spending until it's updated. Or maybe another
00:16:01.850 --> 00:16:04.009
way is when you have a friend in a perpetual
00:16:04.009 --> 00:16:07.350
crisis. Maybe they're constantly stuck with a
00:16:07.350 --> 00:16:09.830
situation like with their landlord. They might
00:16:09.830 --> 00:16:13.429
ask you, can you call my landlord for me? To
00:16:13.429 --> 00:16:16.240
which you can respond, I care about you, but
00:16:16.240 --> 00:16:18.960
I'm not going to make the call. I can help you
00:16:18.960 --> 00:16:21.580
draft what to say for 15 minutes at 4 o 'clock.
00:16:21.840 --> 00:16:24.659
If you want a script after that, I can text it.
00:16:25.279 --> 00:16:29.200
All of these examples show a way of setting boundaries
00:16:29.200 --> 00:16:31.679
while being respectful and understanding of the
00:16:31.679 --> 00:16:34.440
other person. So the practice block for this
00:16:34.440 --> 00:16:38.720
section is finding a one -sentence boundary in
00:16:38.720 --> 00:16:42.480
a situation. Pick a live situation and let's
00:16:42.480 --> 00:16:44.980
complete this template. The template's pretty
00:16:44.980 --> 00:16:49.159
simple. It's to protect, fill in a value or focus,
00:16:49.399 --> 00:16:55.360
I will, what you will do, I won't, insert your
00:16:55.360 --> 00:17:00.779
line, if, condition, then, consequence or alternative.
00:17:01.539 --> 00:17:05.619
So here's the example. To protect my rest and
00:17:05.619 --> 00:17:09.259
focus, I will go on do not disturb at 6 p .m.
00:17:09.460 --> 00:17:13.869
I won't respond to messages after that. If something
00:17:13.869 --> 00:17:17.029
comes up, then it will be handled at 8 a .m.
00:17:17.029 --> 00:17:20.569
the next morning. Say it once out loud, whatever
00:17:20.569 --> 00:17:23.529
your version is, and notice your body, your breath.
00:17:24.069 --> 00:17:27.190
That's your sentence. Practice it, put it in
00:17:27.190 --> 00:17:31.109
notes, and use it this week. Notice what that
00:17:31.109 --> 00:17:34.250
sentence does. It tells the truth, defines the
00:17:34.250 --> 00:17:37.289
line, and offers a fair alternative. You're not
00:17:37.289 --> 00:17:40.069
saying, I don't care. You're saying, I'll be
00:17:40.069 --> 00:17:44.750
at my best when I rest. This happens sometimes
00:17:44.750 --> 00:17:48.190
in leadership when your employees are anxious
00:17:48.190 --> 00:17:50.809
to know the answer of a non -emergency question.
00:17:51.869 --> 00:17:54.890
And sometimes they ask you those questions during
00:17:54.890 --> 00:17:57.710
non -work hours. Now, of course, you can answer
00:17:57.710 --> 00:18:00.170
the question. I'm not saying not to. But there
00:18:00.170 --> 00:18:03.130
are times that the request can be very demanding
00:18:03.130 --> 00:18:06.289
and insensitive, especially given the time, sometimes
00:18:06.289 --> 00:18:08.829
during holidays or maybe a Sunday or something.
00:18:09.269 --> 00:18:12.819
And this is a perfect time. To either reply with
00:18:12.819 --> 00:18:15.900
something like this, or just not reply, to set
00:18:15.900 --> 00:18:18.779
a tone, to set the boundary, and help them understand
00:18:18.779 --> 00:18:24.059
that they can wait. Now, what do we do when control
00:18:24.059 --> 00:18:28.440
feels necessary? How do we disarm it? Let's honor
00:18:28.440 --> 00:18:32.660
why control grabs the wheel. It's uncertainty
00:18:32.660 --> 00:18:35.460
intolerance. When the unknown feels threatening,
00:18:35.700 --> 00:18:38.420
our minds sprint to the worst -case scenario.
00:18:39.389 --> 00:18:43.150
Control pretends to remove uncertainty, but it
00:18:43.150 --> 00:18:46.849
doesn't. It just postpones fear and adds exhaustion.
00:18:47.490 --> 00:18:51.170
And that creates attachment patterns. If security
00:18:51.170 --> 00:18:54.869
was inconsistent, we may try to manage connections
00:18:54.869 --> 00:18:57.910
by managing people, similar to my wife and I
00:18:57.910 --> 00:19:02.369
early on. It's not evil, it's human. So being
00:19:02.369 --> 00:19:05.029
aware of it creates the opportunity for a different
00:19:05.029 --> 00:19:09.089
choice. There's also ego fatigue. Constant self
00:19:09.089 --> 00:19:12.009
-monitoring, pleasing, persuading, and predicting
00:19:12.009 --> 00:19:16.329
drains prefrontal resources. Decision quality
00:19:16.329 --> 00:19:19.869
drops, irritability rises, and we try to control
00:19:19.869 --> 00:19:23.509
more to fix the turbulence we created. It's such
00:19:23.509 --> 00:19:28.309
a vicious cycle. Surrender interrupts the loop.
00:19:28.450 --> 00:19:32.309
And when you refocus on the me -we circles, it
00:19:32.309 --> 00:19:36.329
creates real agency. Surrender interrupts the
00:19:36.329 --> 00:19:41.710
loop by refocusing on the me -we circles, which
00:19:41.710 --> 00:19:46.309
creates real agency, downshifting the body with
00:19:46.309 --> 00:19:50.950
slow breath, shoulders down, jaw relaxed, using
00:19:50.950 --> 00:19:54.309
one clean sentence to establish a boundary or
00:19:54.309 --> 00:19:58.410
making an honest request, release and schedule
00:19:58.410 --> 00:20:01.430
a check -in so your brain doesn't ruminate. If
00:20:01.430 --> 00:20:04.569
you have questions, ask. Don't guess or assume.
00:20:05.089 --> 00:20:09.170
Ask one curious question instead of persuading.
00:20:10.150 --> 00:20:13.609
When we do these repeatedly, insecurity loses
00:20:13.609 --> 00:20:17.009
its oxygen. We don't become passive, we become
00:20:17.009 --> 00:20:22.150
clear and calm. Here's our next practice block.
00:20:22.450 --> 00:20:27.009
The breath downshift and the reframe. Did you
00:20:27.009 --> 00:20:30.009
know... That deep breathing can reset the limbic
00:20:30.009 --> 00:20:32.630
system that is responsible for causing anxiety,
00:20:32.930 --> 00:20:36.990
panic attacks, stress, and more. Some very popular
00:20:36.990 --> 00:20:40.329
breathing techniques are the double inhale exhale.
00:20:40.730 --> 00:20:44.069
Dr. Andrew Huberman is famous for this one. You're
00:20:44.069 --> 00:20:45.950
like, how do I double inhale? That sounds weird.
00:20:46.130 --> 00:20:48.690
So you take the deepest breath that you possibly
00:20:48.690 --> 00:20:53.789
can in and then take another small breath right
00:20:53.789 --> 00:21:01.279
on top and then exhale. This drastically lowers
00:21:01.279 --> 00:21:04.500
your heart rate quickly. Another popular one
00:21:04.500 --> 00:21:07.599
is 10 deep breaths with no significant pattern.
00:21:07.940 --> 00:21:11.500
And another popular one is the 4x4. Think of
00:21:11.500 --> 00:21:14.359
a square that you can breathe around. 4 seconds
00:21:14.359 --> 00:21:18.299
on each side, breathing in for 4, holding for
00:21:18.299 --> 00:21:23.380
4, out for 4, and hold for 4. In all of these,
00:21:23.599 --> 00:21:26.119
try to breathe in through the nose and out through
00:21:26.119 --> 00:21:28.750
the mouth. dropping your shoulders, unclenching
00:21:28.750 --> 00:21:32.329
your jaw. On every exhale, picture your hands
00:21:32.329 --> 00:21:35.150
opening or relax a different part of your body.
00:21:35.809 --> 00:21:39.829
You can say things like, I'll do what is mine
00:21:39.829 --> 00:21:44.369
as you inhale, and release the rest as you exhale.
00:21:45.410 --> 00:21:48.769
Some common questions I saw around this topic
00:21:48.769 --> 00:21:53.329
were, number one, if I stop controlling, won't
00:21:53.329 --> 00:21:57.599
the results tank? Results actually tank when
00:21:57.599 --> 00:22:00.900
roles are fuzzy. Replace control with structure.
00:22:01.799 --> 00:22:04.920
Definition of done in writing, put things down
00:22:04.920 --> 00:22:09.359
to establish quality and scope. Only having one
00:22:09.359 --> 00:22:12.400
owner per deliverable, everyone can contribute,
00:22:12.519 --> 00:22:15.759
but only one person owns. A friend of mine, Glenn
00:22:15.759 --> 00:22:17.960
Lundy, says that if everyone's a champion of
00:22:17.960 --> 00:22:20.299
something, nobody's a champion. You gotta have
00:22:20.299 --> 00:22:23.720
that one person. And then there's a cadence.
00:22:24.380 --> 00:22:27.039
where follow -up is scheduled regularly with
00:22:27.039 --> 00:22:29.680
a weekly check -in to see what the agenda is,
00:22:29.819 --> 00:22:31.799
if there's any blocks, and what the next steps
00:22:31.799 --> 00:22:35.599
are. And then what's the escalation rule? If
00:22:35.599 --> 00:22:39.460
a date slips, does scope need to be cut? What
00:22:39.460 --> 00:22:41.920
else needs to be sacrificed? Agree up front what
00:22:41.920 --> 00:22:45.000
this looks like and then move forward. And you'll
00:22:45.000 --> 00:22:47.099
be surprised at what results can be possible.
00:22:48.299 --> 00:22:51.640
Number two, how do I set a boundary without feeling
00:22:51.640 --> 00:22:56.160
guilty? Guilt often means you learned love by
00:22:56.160 --> 00:23:00.019
overgiving. So, you are protecting your capacity
00:23:00.019 --> 00:23:03.460
to love and your integrity to love in a healthy
00:23:03.460 --> 00:23:06.799
way so you can keep loving well into next week.
00:23:07.339 --> 00:23:11.140
Deliver a boundary or a no calmly without an
00:23:11.140 --> 00:23:15.640
apology tour or 10 ,000 disclaimers. Question
00:23:15.640 --> 00:23:19.400
three is, what if they ignore my boundary? A
00:23:19.400 --> 00:23:22.279
boundary without consequence is just a preference.
00:23:22.829 --> 00:23:25.789
So pair the line with a follow -through. Like
00:23:25.789 --> 00:23:28.769
something like, if meetings run over, I'll leave
00:23:28.769 --> 00:23:32.730
at the hour and read the notes. Do it twice and
00:23:32.730 --> 00:23:34.750
people will realize what your boundaries are.
00:23:35.690 --> 00:23:39.589
People learn your boundaries by how you honor
00:23:39.589 --> 00:23:43.049
them. I'll say that again. People learn your
00:23:43.049 --> 00:23:47.569
boundaries by how you honor them. Question four.
00:23:48.430 --> 00:23:51.190
Uncertainty makes me anxious. How do I let go
00:23:51.190 --> 00:23:57.619
there? Three moves, body, map, micro task. Body,
00:23:57.660 --> 00:24:00.079
start with breath work. It's one of the techniques
00:24:00.079 --> 00:24:02.440
we talked about earlier, and it's massively effective
00:24:02.440 --> 00:24:06.740
at resetting anxiety. The map is what we talked
00:24:06.740 --> 00:24:10.240
about earlier, the me, we, and not mine listing.
00:24:10.920 --> 00:24:14.940
And the micro task, one 10 -minute action under
00:24:14.940 --> 00:24:18.079
me. This gives you progress that shrinks fear.
00:24:19.519 --> 00:24:22.509
Question five. What about genuine emergencies?
00:24:23.089 --> 00:24:27.049
In acute crises, we often expand the scope temporarily,
00:24:27.450 --> 00:24:32.130
but still keep lines. Say, I'll stay until midnight
00:24:32.130 --> 00:24:36.109
tonight, and tomorrow I'm offline at 6. After
00:24:36.109 --> 00:24:39.950
a crisis, retro back. Systemize so it's rarer.
00:24:40.269 --> 00:24:42.829
And remember, with codependent relationships,
00:24:43.390 --> 00:24:47.029
emergencies may seem like emergencies, but they
00:24:47.029 --> 00:24:52.049
might not be. Question six is, how do I stop
00:24:52.049 --> 00:24:56.210
codependency without sounding cold? I would say
00:24:56.210 --> 00:25:00.069
use warmth and clarity. Like, I care about you.
00:25:00.130 --> 00:25:03.309
I'll help you think for 20 minutes. I won't own
00:25:03.309 --> 00:25:07.549
the decision though. Be warm and also give the
00:25:07.549 --> 00:25:10.970
line after that. Also, keep in mind that establishing
00:25:10.970 --> 00:25:13.990
boundaries where there has been none may take
00:25:13.990 --> 00:25:16.769
time for both of you to adjust to and respect.
00:25:18.299 --> 00:25:21.759
Question seven is, isn't protecting my peace
00:25:21.759 --> 00:25:27.160
just avoidance? Well, sometimes it is. You can't
00:25:27.160 --> 00:25:29.680
freak out about something at work if you don't
00:25:29.680 --> 00:25:32.420
know about it. But if you find out about it because
00:25:32.420 --> 00:25:34.640
you couldn't help yourself from looking at your
00:25:34.640 --> 00:25:38.440
email after hours, that's on you. We talk a lot
00:25:38.440 --> 00:25:41.019
about curiosity, but you have to control it.
00:25:41.640 --> 00:25:45.180
Mature surrender faces truth, sets a boundary,
00:25:45.460 --> 00:25:49.460
takes action, and releases outcomes. It's proper,
00:25:49.640 --> 00:25:54.859
timely engagement, not escape. Question eight.
00:25:55.039 --> 00:25:59.740
How do I keep boundaries with a boss? Use scope
00:25:59.740 --> 00:26:03.480
and schedule options. Something like, we can
00:26:03.480 --> 00:26:06.160
hit Friday with half the charts or Monday with
00:26:06.160 --> 00:26:09.759
all four. Which do you prefer? This gives an
00:26:09.759 --> 00:26:12.450
option. and presents collaborative discussion
00:26:12.450 --> 00:26:15.769
around the topic. If the answer is Friday on
00:26:15.769 --> 00:26:18.470
all four, escalate to the trade -off conversation.
00:26:19.109 --> 00:26:22.470
To deliver that, I'll need to drop X or add Y
00:26:22.470 --> 00:26:26.789
as a resource. If your boss trusts you and they're
00:26:26.789 --> 00:26:29.009
a good leader, things like this will get them
00:26:29.009 --> 00:26:31.950
collaborating with you. They may ask clarifying
00:26:31.950 --> 00:26:34.890
questions to explore why you have those boundaries.
00:26:35.269 --> 00:26:37.930
Be prepared for that and explore together what
00:26:37.930 --> 00:26:41.539
those things might look like. And question nine,
00:26:41.740 --> 00:26:46.599
what if I'm the controlling one at home? Own
00:26:46.599 --> 00:26:49.920
it out loud. Tell your partner, hey, I realize
00:26:49.920 --> 00:26:52.140
I've been trying to manage how you feel so I
00:26:52.140 --> 00:26:55.440
can feel secure. I'm working on it, and I'm asking
00:26:55.440 --> 00:26:58.480
more questions to state what I need. Then pick
00:26:58.480 --> 00:27:01.240
one small behavior to change this week, tell
00:27:01.240 --> 00:27:04.779
them the plan, and see how it goes. Remember,
00:27:05.039 --> 00:27:10.019
we're after progress, not perfection. So what's
00:27:10.019 --> 00:27:13.519
the trust transfer protocol? It's your daily
00:27:13.519 --> 00:27:18.599
move to use when control urges spike. So step
00:27:18.599 --> 00:27:22.079
one is naming the load. It's the mine, not mine
00:27:22.079 --> 00:27:24.960
exercise. We already practiced that. So remember,
00:27:25.099 --> 00:27:28.980
keep it quick. Step two is breath and body. Downshift
00:27:28.980 --> 00:27:31.960
your system, breath work, shoulders down, jaw
00:27:31.960 --> 00:27:36.059
relaxed. On the exhale, picture your hands opening
00:27:36.059 --> 00:27:39.319
or relaxing parts of your body. Step three is
00:27:39.319 --> 00:27:42.359
that one -sentence boundary, truth and ask, no
00:27:42.359 --> 00:27:45.039
persuasion, deliver it in writing if emotions
00:27:45.039 --> 00:27:49.819
raise high. Step four is releasing rituals, saying
00:27:49.819 --> 00:27:52.339
out loud, I release the outcomes and timing.
00:27:52.700 --> 00:27:55.759
Then put a check -in in your calendar. External
00:27:55.759 --> 00:27:58.839
structure prevents rumination or overthinking.
00:28:00.200 --> 00:28:04.299
And step five, the curiosity rep. Swap the urge
00:28:04.299 --> 00:28:08.339
to convince for one generous question. Can you
00:28:08.339 --> 00:28:11.960
walk me through how you're seeing it? Or what
00:28:11.960 --> 00:28:16.299
would a win look like for you? Or maybe, what
00:28:16.299 --> 00:28:20.839
is the constraint I'm not seeing? Pray first,
00:28:21.220 --> 00:28:26.460
act next, release last. Say less, ask better,
00:28:26.640 --> 00:28:31.700
release sooner. What we're after is a situation
00:28:31.700 --> 00:28:34.920
like when someone sends a tense email across
00:28:34.920 --> 00:28:38.759
the bow. The old you would craft a 600 -word
00:28:38.759 --> 00:28:42.839
rebuttal, but the new you takes a breath and
00:28:42.839 --> 00:28:46.480
sends one question. What's the most important
00:28:46.480 --> 00:28:50.579
outcome you need by Friday? And that person replies
00:28:50.579 --> 00:28:55.180
with one line. You solve that, and then tensions
00:28:55.180 --> 00:28:59.779
drop from a nine to a two in five minutes. Curiosity
00:28:59.779 --> 00:29:04.000
buys peace at such a discount. That's what we're
00:29:04.000 --> 00:29:09.049
after. So in relationships, how do we shift from
00:29:09.049 --> 00:29:11.769
management to care? Let's bring this back to
00:29:11.769 --> 00:29:15.609
the people you love and lead. In a codependency
00:29:15.609 --> 00:29:18.910
snapshot, you overgive to keep the peace. You
00:29:18.910 --> 00:29:22.309
absorb what isn't yours. You give to get something
00:29:22.309 --> 00:29:25.670
you crave in return. It's a type of love that
00:29:25.670 --> 00:29:29.289
runs on anxiety and fear. Over time, you teach
00:29:29.289 --> 00:29:32.289
others to outsource responsibility, and you teach
00:29:32.289 --> 00:29:35.579
yourself to bury resentment. That isn't peace,
00:29:35.839 --> 00:29:39.460
and it will bury you. A healthy alternative is
00:29:39.460 --> 00:29:44.079
ask before advising. Like, do you want a sounding
00:29:44.079 --> 00:29:47.920
board or a solution? Men, this is a very good
00:29:47.920 --> 00:29:50.240
question to ask your wives when they're wanting
00:29:50.240 --> 00:29:52.380
to tell you about something. That's for free.
00:29:53.559 --> 00:29:57.500
Offer bounded help. I can brainstorm for 20 minutes
00:29:57.500 --> 00:30:01.180
on Tuesday. I can't own the decision, though.
00:30:01.839 --> 00:30:05.119
Let someone make their own choices. But it doesn't
00:30:05.119 --> 00:30:07.119
mean you can't be helpful in trying to help them
00:30:07.119 --> 00:30:10.839
figure it out. Or maybe reflecting an impact
00:30:10.839 --> 00:30:15.619
without accusation. For example, when we skip
00:30:15.619 --> 00:30:18.480
the budget check -ins, I scramble. I need us
00:30:18.480 --> 00:30:21.319
to keep the Thursday slot or pick a new one.
00:30:21.839 --> 00:30:24.259
Or maybe this one that we worked on a couple
00:30:24.259 --> 00:30:29.000
weeks ago. When you say or do X, you make me
00:30:29.000 --> 00:30:33.539
feel Y. Is that how you want me to feel? All
00:30:33.539 --> 00:30:36.420
of these things help stir that responsibility
00:30:36.420 --> 00:30:40.299
on both sides of the relational equation. So
00:30:40.299 --> 00:30:44.059
picture a parent -teen curfew conversation. The
00:30:44.059 --> 00:30:46.319
teen might say with all the emotion in the world,
00:30:46.359 --> 00:30:49.900
you never trust me. The parent will say, I love
00:30:49.900 --> 00:30:52.759
you. I'm responsible for your safety. Curfew's
00:30:52.759 --> 00:30:55.519
at 10. If you're late, the car stays home next
00:30:55.519 --> 00:30:58.420
weekend. Do you want to plan rides together?
00:30:59.069 --> 00:31:02.450
The teen might respond, that's unfair. And the
00:31:02.450 --> 00:31:05.569
calm parent can respond back, I hear you. 10
00:31:05.569 --> 00:31:08.450
p .m. is the line. I'm here to help you hit it.
00:31:09.710 --> 00:31:12.450
Or how about the self -talk after a mistake?
00:31:12.769 --> 00:31:16.890
Anyone? Overthinkers? Yes? So the old you is
00:31:16.890 --> 00:31:19.509
going to ruminate and toss that mistake in your
00:31:19.509 --> 00:31:23.769
mind constantly. The idea is the new you can
00:31:23.769 --> 00:31:27.049
own the apology and replan how to move forward.
00:31:27.529 --> 00:31:30.410
but not ruminate and overthink about this mistake
00:31:30.410 --> 00:31:35.509
for eons. In business, remember that teams mirror
00:31:35.509 --> 00:31:38.690
leaders. If you model boundaries, curiosity,
00:31:38.769 --> 00:31:41.589
and clarity, you'll show your team how it's done
00:31:41.589 --> 00:31:44.609
by going first. Meetings will shrink, ownership
00:31:44.609 --> 00:31:47.109
rises, and the culture moves from management
00:31:47.109 --> 00:31:52.809
to care, from fear to trust. And as a leader,
00:31:52.930 --> 00:31:55.470
you can implement systems that reduce control
00:31:55.470 --> 00:31:58.849
urges. If you want less control, especially as
00:31:58.849 --> 00:32:01.490
a leader, build systems that carry that weight.
00:32:01.990 --> 00:32:05.509
A great one is the definition of the done library.
00:32:05.910 --> 00:32:08.710
In a specific project or system that you're trying
00:32:08.710 --> 00:32:12.630
to build, build a doc and keep it with examples
00:32:12.630 --> 00:32:15.990
of what the reoccurring work is and what completion
00:32:15.990 --> 00:32:19.329
looks like for each task. Like when a presentation
00:32:19.329 --> 00:32:22.210
is defined done, when the weekly update is done,
00:32:22.369 --> 00:32:25.519
when outreach is done and complete. Reuse and
00:32:25.519 --> 00:32:28.640
adapt this to define what complete tasks look
00:32:28.640 --> 00:32:32.680
like so that you as the leader and you as the
00:32:32.680 --> 00:32:36.619
employee fully understand both sides. And as
00:32:36.619 --> 00:32:39.819
we said earlier, one owner per deliverable, no
00:32:39.819 --> 00:32:43.880
shared owners. Any group projects has one champion
00:32:43.880 --> 00:32:46.500
that's responsible. Others can contribute, but
00:32:46.500 --> 00:32:51.900
one owns the finish. Specifying dates in calendars
00:32:51.900 --> 00:32:55.680
is super important. establishing regular 15 to
00:32:55.680 --> 00:32:59.380
20 minute weekly check -ins to check project
00:32:59.380 --> 00:33:03.460
progress, to cover agenda, blockers, next steps,
00:33:03.559 --> 00:33:06.359
and establish more dates, and then establishing
00:33:06.359 --> 00:33:09.720
scope and scheduling rules. So when scope expands,
00:33:10.099 --> 00:33:13.480
what's going to happen to the schedule? Do you
00:33:13.480 --> 00:33:16.680
cut scope or do you extend the schedule? Decide
00:33:16.680 --> 00:33:19.599
what you start, what the default is, and then
00:33:19.599 --> 00:33:22.579
you can adjust from there. And then keep a decision
00:33:22.579 --> 00:33:26.000
log. a one -page record of every decision, owner,
00:33:26.180 --> 00:33:29.740
date, and why. This eliminates circular arguments
00:33:29.740 --> 00:33:34.000
and abdication of responsibility. And then what's
00:33:34.000 --> 00:33:37.339
the escalation path? If a deadline slides, the
00:33:37.339 --> 00:33:40.019
owner proposes a trade -off within 24 hours.
00:33:40.180 --> 00:33:42.720
This keeps the responsibility with the owner,
00:33:42.779 --> 00:33:45.980
not the rescuer or the boss, and helps progress
00:33:45.980 --> 00:33:51.500
move forward. These structures help replace micromanagement.
00:33:51.500 --> 00:33:54.019
They let you lead without holding everything
00:33:54.019 --> 00:33:57.519
in your head. And finally, if you're a person
00:33:57.519 --> 00:34:02.299
of faith like I am, letting go is not an abdication,
00:34:02.519 --> 00:34:05.039
it's alignment. You're choosing to act where
00:34:05.039 --> 00:34:09.039
you can and trust where you can't. Two powerful
00:34:09.039 --> 00:34:12.639
anchors I paraphrase often are trust the Lord
00:34:12.639 --> 00:34:15.699
with all your heart, don't lean on your own limited
00:34:15.699 --> 00:34:18.690
understanding, In everything you do, acknowledge
00:34:18.690 --> 00:34:22.429
him and he'll straighten your path. And also,
00:34:22.610 --> 00:34:26.250
don't get swallowed by worry. Pray specifically,
00:34:26.550 --> 00:34:30.309
express thanks with gratitude. Peace, bigger
00:34:30.309 --> 00:34:32.829
than your understanding, will guard your heart
00:34:32.829 --> 00:34:36.969
and mind. This is not a license to drift. It's
00:34:36.969 --> 00:34:39.670
an invitation to act clearly and rest honestly.
00:34:40.210 --> 00:34:44.469
Letting go makes room for peace to arrive. Identity
00:34:44.469 --> 00:34:48.710
first, and then outcome second. So let's recap.
00:34:49.030 --> 00:34:52.150
We talked about the three circles, the me, we,
00:34:52.369 --> 00:34:55.309
and the not mine. We talked about boundaries
00:34:55.309 --> 00:34:59.010
equals love. Clarity without control prevents
00:34:59.010 --> 00:35:03.150
this resentment. The trust transfer, which is
00:35:03.150 --> 00:35:07.389
sorting, breathing, boundary, release, check
00:35:07.389 --> 00:35:12.380
-in, curiosity, and an optional faith line. curiosity
00:35:12.380 --> 00:35:17.099
over persuasion, getting better answers with
00:35:17.099 --> 00:35:21.280
less conflict, systems over micromanagement,
00:35:21.300 --> 00:35:25.019
the definition of done, owners, cadence, scope,
00:35:25.219 --> 00:35:29.440
and scheduling rules, and identity, being the
00:35:29.440 --> 00:35:32.980
kind of person who carries what's yours and releases
00:35:32.980 --> 00:35:36.940
what isn't. So do what's yours and trust God
00:35:36.940 --> 00:35:40.920
with the rest. In our next episode, we'll cover
00:35:40.920 --> 00:35:45.599
health. Where do we even start? How it can feel
00:35:45.599 --> 00:35:48.980
overwhelming to get dialed in? Is too little
00:35:48.980 --> 00:35:53.139
really too late? And who do we trust or listen
00:35:53.139 --> 00:35:55.900
to? The experts aren't even on the same page.
00:35:56.340 --> 00:35:59.159
I hope to catch you then. In the meantime...
00:35:59.389 --> 00:36:01.369
Thanks for listening to the Optimizing Beyond
00:36:01.369 --> 00:36:04.329
podcast. Remember, growth happens when you take
00:36:04.329 --> 00:36:07.329
action. So subscribe, share this with a friend,
00:36:07.349 --> 00:36:10.110
and most importantly, put what you learned into
00:36:10.110 --> 00:36:13.050
practice. Until next time, keep moving forward
00:36:13.050 --> 00:36:16.250
because daily anything changes everything.
