WEBVTT
00:00:00.479 --> 00:00:01.520
Chemsex.
00:00:01.760 --> 00:00:09.199
Sexualized drug use among men who have sex with men, typically involving methamphetamine, methadrone, and GHB, among others.
00:00:09.359 --> 00:00:18.399
Chemsex misuse is a worldwide epidemic that needs attention, dialogue, and hope for those lost in it, which is the purpose of the Aftermath Podcast.
00:00:18.640 --> 00:00:28.160
Please note the views expressed by the host and guest on this podcast are not to be taken as medical advice, and the content around sex and drug use can be triggering.
00:00:28.800 --> 00:00:32.320
Alright, welcome back to the Aftermath Podcast and the solo episode.
00:00:32.479 --> 00:00:35.759
Don't forget there is a supplemental study guide that goes along with every episode.
00:00:35.920 --> 00:00:37.759
The link is in the show notes.
00:00:37.920 --> 00:00:46.159
Please remember to like, subscribe, and rate the podcast so we can get the algorithm to place it in the ears and eyes of those who need it.
00:00:46.479 --> 00:00:51.359
All right, so today we are talking about your team.
00:00:51.679 --> 00:00:57.600
How to build your chemsex recovery team and how important this is.
00:00:57.920 --> 00:01:01.679
Look, we cannot do this alone.
00:01:02.240 --> 00:01:03.840
You cannot do this alone.
00:01:09.359 --> 00:01:25.760
Connecting with your team and sharing the load, having other people really reach in, hold you up, and help you through it is the best way to do this.
00:01:26.000 --> 00:01:28.000
The only way to do this, really.
00:01:28.959 --> 00:01:38.480
But what I see is because it's chemsex, because it's meth or methadrone or monkey dust or DHB or whatever, there's shame around it.
00:01:38.959 --> 00:01:43.599
And when there's shame around that, then we're afraid to ask for help often.
00:01:44.000 --> 00:01:49.599
Or we're afraid to tell our friends, we're afraid to tell our family, our partner, whoever.
00:01:50.400 --> 00:01:52.159
And we don't ask for help.
00:01:53.599 --> 00:01:56.879
So I want to be very clear about this today.
00:01:58.319 --> 00:02:12.479
About what to do and how to step into your power around who is on your recovery team and specifically what they what their role is.
00:02:12.960 --> 00:02:16.879
This is the key here that we're going to talk about here today.
00:02:18.080 --> 00:02:39.280
If you are continuing to relapse, if you are taking it all on your own, if you feel like you're a piece of shit because you only have 30 consecutive meth-free days and that you don't deserve help, and you don't deserve people to go out of their way to help you, to support you.
00:02:40.159 --> 00:02:41.360
We gotta get rid of that.
00:02:42.319 --> 00:02:51.759
We gotta get past that powerlessness belief and step up, take control and make this happen.
00:02:52.400 --> 00:02:58.639
So I want to ask yourself, or want you to ask yourself right now, without really thinking about it.
00:02:58.800 --> 00:03:00.560
Okay, who's on my team?
00:03:01.360 --> 00:03:06.159
Now, if you had to really pause there, this one is for you.
00:03:06.400 --> 00:03:11.199
Or as you're listening, you may have a team that came to mind.
00:03:11.520 --> 00:03:19.599
But I want you to really think about are they truly serving you in the best way possible?
00:03:19.919 --> 00:03:23.520
Are you utilizing them the best way possible?
00:03:23.840 --> 00:03:28.319
Could this be the missing link for your recovery?
00:03:28.639 --> 00:03:32.639
So, you know, most men can name people who love them.
00:03:33.680 --> 00:03:35.680
That is not the same thing here.
00:03:35.840 --> 00:03:37.919
Loving is a feeling, right?
00:03:38.319 --> 00:03:41.840
A team is an actual function.
00:03:43.199 --> 00:03:50.240
This, I'm here if you need me, quote unquote, if you're not if you're not watching me, I'm doing the air signs.
00:03:51.120 --> 00:03:52.800
It's a beautiful sentiment.
00:03:52.960 --> 00:03:55.680
Here's my phone number, I'm here if you need me.
00:03:56.000 --> 00:03:58.800
That is not a role.
00:04:00.000 --> 00:04:06.319
There's no job attached to it, there's no commitment attached to it, there's no specificity attached to it.
00:04:06.479 --> 00:04:08.479
Nobody knows what to do with that.
00:04:08.960 --> 00:04:11.840
Including you and probably including them.
00:04:12.400 --> 00:04:24.079
And if it's 11 o'clock on a Friday night, when your chest is tight and you're shaking, and the phone is in your hand, well, I'm here if you need me.
00:04:24.399 --> 00:04:26.639
Does about as good as a fart in the wind.
00:04:26.879 --> 00:04:27.199
Okay?
00:04:28.240 --> 00:04:33.680
You already run a business if you are in chemisex recovery.
00:04:33.759 --> 00:04:42.000
And if you're not, I want you to think about your chemisex recovery as you are the founder and you are an entrepreneur running a business.
00:04:42.240 --> 00:04:47.519
Here is what I've noticed about the men who really do make this work.
00:04:47.920 --> 00:04:49.920
They're looking at their calendar.
00:04:50.160 --> 00:04:53.920
They're quote unquote making projections, they're planning ahead.
00:04:54.079 --> 00:04:56.240
Nothing gets ahead of them, right?
00:04:56.560 --> 00:04:59.839
They're structuring their days, they have a calendar.
00:05:00.079 --> 00:05:04.800
They're staying ahead of open hours that could lead them to using.
00:05:05.040 --> 00:05:09.839
They're deciding on Monday what Saturday night is going to look like.
00:05:10.079 --> 00:05:14.240
That's that entrepreneurship attitude we need with chemsex recovery.
00:05:14.399 --> 00:05:16.160
You're running an operation.
00:05:17.199 --> 00:05:22.800
And the cost of a bad quarter could be your life, right?
00:05:23.199 --> 00:05:28.240
So let's overlay that into chemsex recovery.
00:05:28.399 --> 00:05:35.120
If you're the founder, then the people around you aren't well-wishers saying, I'm here if you need me.
00:05:35.360 --> 00:05:37.519
These people are your staff.
00:05:37.839 --> 00:05:44.399
And staff get hired, they get trained, they get reviewed, and sometimes they get let go.
00:05:44.800 --> 00:05:46.399
And I know how that sounds.
00:05:46.639 --> 00:05:49.279
My friends, my family, they're not staff.
00:05:49.519 --> 00:05:50.800
It sounds really cold.
00:05:50.959 --> 00:05:54.319
Or the men in the rooms that I go to, my support group.
00:05:54.480 --> 00:05:59.759
That's cold to talk about your best friend like an employee, but I want you to stay with me on this.
00:06:00.000 --> 00:06:01.279
It's too important.
00:06:02.480 --> 00:06:03.120
Right?
00:06:04.959 --> 00:06:08.959
Write the job description for your team.
00:06:09.120 --> 00:06:14.480
Chemsex recovery, chemsex in its very nature, is specific.
00:06:15.120 --> 00:06:19.920
Has it I'm so sorry, has its own architecture.
00:06:20.079 --> 00:06:21.839
Gazumite, bless me.
00:06:22.160 --> 00:06:24.160
Sex and the drug, right?
00:06:24.399 --> 00:06:27.519
They get wired right in the same pathway as we know.
00:06:28.240 --> 00:06:30.399
Shame lives in your body.
00:06:30.720 --> 00:06:36.720
Shame you to say you do meth is so much different than to say I have a drinking problem, right?
00:06:37.199 --> 00:06:47.360
And that reward loop, that's dopamine stacked in your brain, reopens faster than anybody believes until it's happening to them.
00:06:47.680 --> 00:07:04.240
Somebody who has never been near this, who has never participated in chemsex, who has no idea besides what they saw on Breaking Bad or something on television, they cannot know what it's like.
00:07:04.879 --> 00:07:07.439
So you have to train them.
00:07:08.319 --> 00:07:12.319
You have to share with your team, these are my danger zones.
00:07:13.439 --> 00:07:17.680
Not well, sometimes I'm sh when I'm struggling, can you be there for me?
00:07:17.920 --> 00:07:18.240
No.
00:07:18.800 --> 00:07:20.240
You need to be specific.
00:07:20.480 --> 00:07:26.079
Friday afternoon, payday, Sunday and Monday I'm off together.
00:07:26.399 --> 00:07:33.839
When I travel, that week in November when mom died, Sunday afternoons.
00:07:34.399 --> 00:07:39.360
I have something coming up at work, a big presentation, I'm going to dive after that.
00:07:39.439 --> 00:07:40.560
That's my danger zone.
00:07:40.800 --> 00:07:42.560
You need to be specific.
00:07:43.600 --> 00:07:46.720
And how they contact you.
00:07:47.680 --> 00:07:48.639
Call me.
00:07:49.120 --> 00:07:52.720
Do not text me and tell them why.
00:07:52.959 --> 00:07:55.839
Texting lets me perform.
00:07:57.120 --> 00:07:59.920
I can get away without texting you.
00:08:00.639 --> 00:08:04.240
But my voice and my image can give me away.
00:08:05.439 --> 00:08:12.000
And then you want to be specific about the questions that they need to ask, not, hey, you doing okay?
00:08:13.519 --> 00:08:19.839
A yes or no question is not going to suffice in chemisex recovery.
00:08:22.560 --> 00:08:28.480
If somebody asks how you're doing, you're going to say fine every time.
00:08:29.439 --> 00:08:43.759
A vague question, especially if you're having, if your brain is in that reward loop and you're having youth work recall, you're not going to stop and say, you're not going to stop and explain it because your brain is trying to convince you to use.
00:08:44.159 --> 00:08:47.200
So you're going to be vague if you can be vague.
00:08:47.440 --> 00:08:50.080
A vague question gets a vague answer.
00:08:50.480 --> 00:08:52.799
And you both feel like you did something.
00:08:52.960 --> 00:08:54.639
All right, I let him check in.
00:08:54.879 --> 00:08:58.720
And then your your check-in partners, maybe they're watching Bravo or something.
00:08:58.960 --> 00:09:00.000
Okay, I've checked in on him.
00:09:00.080 --> 00:09:00.639
He's fine.
00:09:00.799 --> 00:09:02.240
Back to my show.
00:09:02.879 --> 00:09:13.840
Give them questions that you can't surf through that are individual to you, that will help them pry out of you what needs to be said.
00:09:15.279 --> 00:09:17.840
Have you had any thoughts of using today?
00:09:18.080 --> 00:09:21.679
Have you found yourself on grinder or looking to try to get on grinder?
00:09:22.080 --> 00:09:25.039
Have you been emotionally dysregulated today?
00:09:25.360 --> 00:09:28.480
Have you been unusually up, unusually down?
00:09:30.080 --> 00:09:39.759
Whatever question for you hits to the root of a telltale sign that you're in trouble.
00:09:40.240 --> 00:09:43.039
Not just, hey, are you doing okay?
00:09:43.440 --> 00:09:49.200
Now you either tell them the truth or you actively lie to a real human voice, right?
00:09:49.679 --> 00:09:52.480
Most men can't do that second one.
00:09:53.120 --> 00:10:03.200
And once these people are really in your team, just like when you know when the boss is off today, they're going to know when something's off with you.
00:10:04.000 --> 00:10:06.639
It there is an intuitive pattern.
00:10:06.960 --> 00:10:12.399
When you are supporting somebody who's using, there is an intuitive pattern that you pick up on.
00:10:12.639 --> 00:10:17.759
When they're not answering the way they usually answer, they're not answering at the speed they usually answer.
00:10:18.240 --> 00:10:28.000
The way that they're answering, look, we know we read between the lines as your support team, but you usually think you have one over on them.
00:10:28.080 --> 00:10:31.120
But this is you want to set it up so that you can't.
00:10:32.879 --> 00:10:36.559
So you get to say, yes, I had a fleeting thought earlier.
00:10:37.039 --> 00:10:43.600
Based on that, we need to take this to level two, code red, right?
00:10:44.159 --> 00:10:45.840
Decide what that is.
00:10:46.639 --> 00:10:49.200
Decide what that is beforehand.
00:10:50.000 --> 00:10:59.440
If I tell you, support team member, that I had a fleeting thought, if then, if I have a fleeting thought, then.
00:10:59.759 --> 00:11:03.360
So level two is not a pep talk, it's not an extra call.
00:11:03.679 --> 00:11:06.320
Level two is somebody to come take your phone from you.
00:11:06.480 --> 00:11:09.600
Level two is somebody to come stay with you.
00:11:10.159 --> 00:11:16.879
Level two is something extreme to snap you out of the sleepwalking and autopilot.
00:11:17.200 --> 00:11:20.159
And a video check-in instead of a call.
00:11:20.399 --> 00:11:24.399
Maybe you double that for the week, the rest of the week or the rest of the day.
00:11:24.720 --> 00:11:28.799
Build it while you're feeling good before you need it.
00:11:29.440 --> 00:11:34.879
Because when euphoric recall hits, you're not you ain't calling nobody.
00:11:35.039 --> 00:11:37.600
In fact, you're probably not answering anybody.
00:11:37.919 --> 00:11:40.000
You want to get ahead of this.
00:11:40.879 --> 00:11:43.679
Your brain will not hand you that exit.
00:11:44.000 --> 00:11:47.679
It has other plans and it's very good at them.
00:11:48.159 --> 00:11:51.279
So the communication has to already be in motion.
00:11:51.519 --> 00:12:01.519
And you need a system, a defined system, like a fire, like a fire evacuation route that's posted on the wall.
00:12:01.759 --> 00:12:03.679
And then do fire drills.
00:12:04.000 --> 00:12:09.919
Team member one, if this is what you're seeing, then this happens.
00:12:10.159 --> 00:12:16.159
You need a system that's already moving, not something you have to build mid flight.
00:12:17.840 --> 00:12:19.759
Then you train them.
00:12:20.399 --> 00:12:23.919
Nobody starts a job knowing how to do it.
00:12:24.559 --> 00:12:31.919
You need to assign these people and educate them on chemsex if they aren't aware of it.
00:12:32.480 --> 00:12:34.399
Have them watch some podcasts.
00:12:34.559 --> 00:12:36.320
This one would be great.
00:12:36.720 --> 00:12:38.960
Assign them some readings, some research.
00:12:39.120 --> 00:12:41.120
Bring them to a meeting with you.
00:12:41.440 --> 00:12:54.399
Teach them what meth actually does to the reward system and what your patterns are like because a person who doesn't understand the mechanism will keep handing you willpower advice.
00:12:55.919 --> 00:13:01.440
And willpower advice from someone who loves you is its own kind of emptiness.
00:13:02.399 --> 00:13:08.799
They're going to go to bed at it at 9 p.m., not knowing that your danger zone is 11 p.m.
00:13:11.039 --> 00:13:17.039
People don't mind staying up a little extra or doing a little extra for you.
00:13:17.200 --> 00:13:21.360
They don't mind because they really want to see you succeed.
00:13:21.679 --> 00:13:29.759
And if they understand the nuances of chemsex, they're going to they're going to do it.
00:13:30.639 --> 00:13:33.200
Teach them what a trigger looks like.
00:13:35.759 --> 00:13:38.559
They need to know what it looks like.
00:13:40.399 --> 00:13:46.799
And if you if you have to, and introduce them to other people who have recovered, if you can.
00:13:51.279 --> 00:13:52.559
They're on probation.
00:13:53.600 --> 00:13:56.720
You hire them, you train them, you put them on probation.
00:13:56.799 --> 00:13:58.879
In month one, they're learning your patterns.
00:13:59.679 --> 00:14:02.159
They're learning on the job training.
00:14:03.200 --> 00:14:08.240
And by month three, they should know what it's like.
00:14:08.399 --> 00:14:09.519
They should know your patterns.
00:14:09.600 --> 00:14:11.759
They should know what's happening with you.
00:14:11.919 --> 00:14:16.399
They should be running check-ins without you prompting.
00:14:17.519 --> 00:14:21.279
And they should be on top of things for you.
00:14:23.120 --> 00:14:24.960
Because you've trained them that way.
00:14:25.120 --> 00:14:30.320
An untrained teammate, they're not a bad person.
00:14:30.480 --> 00:14:33.200
They're just unprepared, uneducated.
00:14:33.840 --> 00:14:36.399
That is your job.
00:14:37.519 --> 00:14:37.840
Okay?
00:14:38.320 --> 00:14:43.440
You hire for the role, not for somebody you love as well, by the way.
00:14:43.759 --> 00:14:49.679
You're casting a team, and we've all hired somebody we don't like, but they're good at their job.
00:14:50.639 --> 00:14:53.600
Every person on this team needs a role.
00:14:54.399 --> 00:14:55.600
Interview them.
00:14:57.120 --> 00:14:59.759
You are in charge here.
00:15:00.480 --> 00:15:08.159
There's too much at stake to be meek, to hold yourself back, and to be afraid to ask.
00:15:08.320 --> 00:15:10.320
If you don't ask, you don't get it.
00:15:12.720 --> 00:15:23.440
So some people who adore you, they want what's best for you, and they're soft with you, and they enable you wrong.
00:15:23.759 --> 00:15:25.039
Wrong higher.
00:15:25.279 --> 00:15:30.080
Now there's a place for them somewhere, but not on the top level.
00:15:30.480 --> 00:15:33.440
They're not a frontline manager, okay?
00:15:35.200 --> 00:15:39.039
Cast cast and roll them by their strength.
00:15:39.360 --> 00:15:41.279
This one is a night owl.
00:15:41.360 --> 00:15:43.279
I know what their job's going to be.
00:15:44.159 --> 00:15:54.320
This one doesn't care where you are, when you are, when she calls, she will push and push until you answer.
00:15:55.919 --> 00:16:02.559
You want to have some of the most nosy, intrusive possible people on your team.
00:16:02.639 --> 00:16:03.759
I've talked about this before.
00:16:04.000 --> 00:16:07.679
Oftentimes, no offense, this is a straight woman.
00:16:08.000 --> 00:16:10.000
One of your straight woman friends.
00:16:10.240 --> 00:16:20.559
She is going to make fucking sure that you do what you're supposed to do, but you have to let her and train her and set the expectation.
00:16:23.120 --> 00:16:28.720
You want somebody who will invade your privacy and not apologize for it.
00:16:29.679 --> 00:16:30.000
Okay.
00:16:32.000 --> 00:16:35.600
This woman or this person, you know, they're not worried.
00:16:35.840 --> 00:16:41.039
They're not worried about being a buzzkill or a cock block, because sometimes the other gay men are.
00:16:41.679 --> 00:16:42.320
Right?
00:16:42.559 --> 00:16:47.279
A lot of gay men will be worried about that and back off a little bit.
00:16:47.919 --> 00:16:48.240
No.
00:16:49.519 --> 00:16:54.720
No operation lets one person be the only one who can do a critical job, right?
00:16:54.879 --> 00:16:58.799
So if your night owl is traveling, who is the replacement?
00:16:58.960 --> 00:17:00.320
Cross-training.
00:17:01.759 --> 00:17:08.000
You need to cross-train as well so that you have coverage for when one person's not there.
00:17:08.240 --> 00:17:09.920
I'm serious about this.
00:17:10.480 --> 00:17:15.839
There should never be a gap in duties because you are going to see that gap and run with it.
00:17:16.720 --> 00:17:21.680
In early chemsex recovery, you have to give up your privacy and you do it on purpose.
00:17:21.759 --> 00:17:28.400
And for some men, that means maybe have having somebody with view-only access to your bank account.
00:17:28.720 --> 00:17:35.920
For some, it means parental control so that somebody else looks to see and they can monitor everything you're doing on your phone.
00:17:38.799 --> 00:17:44.319
If this sounds extreme, I want to ask you, how has what you've been doing working?
00:17:45.759 --> 00:17:50.559
So I know, I know exactly how this feels, right?
00:17:51.200 --> 00:17:55.839
It feels a little butt scary to some of you, but this is the scaffolding to your recovery.
00:17:56.079 --> 00:18:03.359
You put it up to build the structure, and then you take it down as time goes on, right?
00:18:04.400 --> 00:18:05.839
You you can step down.
00:18:05.920 --> 00:18:08.160
This isn't the rest of your life, right?
00:18:08.640 --> 00:18:13.359
This is necessary for this portion of your life.
00:18:13.599 --> 00:18:13.920
Okay.
00:18:16.160 --> 00:18:22.000
So with your team, just like if you're running a business, give them performance reviews.
00:18:22.240 --> 00:18:30.400
This is the this is the part that really separates the men who create a long-term impactful team.
00:18:30.799 --> 00:18:34.799
You review your team the way a supervisor would.
00:18:34.960 --> 00:18:36.160
Here's how you're doing.
00:18:36.319 --> 00:18:37.759
Here's what you've been missing.
00:18:37.920 --> 00:18:39.119
Here's what I need more of.
00:18:39.279 --> 00:18:40.640
Here's what I need less of.
00:18:40.799 --> 00:18:42.160
Here's your ratings.
00:18:45.200 --> 00:18:47.519
You will let things go after a while.
00:18:47.759 --> 00:19:02.720
You will see that employees not doing their job, but because of the way that your brain is structured and has been restructured by myth, you're more apt to let things go and just let that employee be.
00:19:06.960 --> 00:19:09.839
No, you must not do that.
00:19:12.319 --> 00:19:16.640
You might notice somebody just calling and just chit-chatting.
00:19:18.240 --> 00:19:18.880
Right?
00:19:19.519 --> 00:19:19.839
No.
00:19:20.480 --> 00:19:22.559
Don't let them get away with that.
00:19:24.480 --> 00:19:34.640
You can't decide, you just you have to get out of this mindset that you're asking too much, that you're a burden, that you don't want to hurt their feelings.
00:19:34.880 --> 00:19:36.640
It is not worth it.
00:19:36.880 --> 00:19:44.000
This is too detrimental to your life to worry about hurting somebody's feelings.
00:19:44.240 --> 00:19:47.519
And I'm telling you, more often than not, you're not going to.
00:19:47.680 --> 00:19:49.359
They want to do more.
00:19:49.680 --> 00:19:51.599
They want to see you well.
00:19:54.240 --> 00:20:00.799
People who really love you will go further than you ever imagined, further than you even ask.
00:20:01.200 --> 00:20:04.240
But you must make it clear.
00:20:05.519 --> 00:20:08.480
You the one steering this ship.
00:20:11.759 --> 00:20:17.599
Somebody who's flaking on check-ins, they need to be reprimanded or let go.
00:20:18.240 --> 00:20:21.599
They're teaching your brain that the system has holes in it.
00:20:21.839 --> 00:20:26.160
And if your brain learns that a system has a hole in it, it's going to take it.
00:20:26.799 --> 00:20:27.119
Okay?
00:20:28.640 --> 00:20:31.599
And you can do all of this, of course, with grace.
00:20:31.759 --> 00:20:33.680
You don't have to be an asshole.
00:20:34.640 --> 00:20:38.960
If the role wasn't the right fit, just I'm grateful for you.
00:20:39.200 --> 00:20:42.720
I know you're trying, but this is not what I need right now.
00:20:42.880 --> 00:20:44.480
I need something else.
00:20:49.440 --> 00:20:57.599
Because would you let an underperforming employee if their failure was costing you your business?
00:20:58.559 --> 00:21:04.240
Would you let the friendship get in the way if their failure is costing you your life?
00:21:06.400 --> 00:21:08.319
You are the leader here.
00:21:11.119 --> 00:21:16.240
It does not matter how many times you have relapsed.
00:21:16.400 --> 00:21:25.119
It does not matter how long you've been using, or how hard you've been using, or how many fucking meth-free days consecutively you have in a row.
00:21:25.279 --> 00:21:27.119
It does not matter.
00:21:29.039 --> 00:21:41.039
Your authority over your own record recovery is your birthright and your right and your power is not something you earn.
00:21:43.359 --> 00:21:45.440
It comes with the job.
00:21:47.359 --> 00:21:49.680
It's your responsibility.
00:21:50.640 --> 00:21:54.079
So don't be meek about it, be mousy about it.
00:21:54.319 --> 00:22:03.119
Don't soften the ask or apologize or decide in advance that it's too much before somebody's even had a chance to say yes.
00:22:03.680 --> 00:22:08.240
There is too much at stake for you to be polite about this.
00:22:08.640 --> 00:22:09.920
Graceful, yes.
00:22:10.160 --> 00:22:11.759
Merciful, yes.
00:22:16.720 --> 00:22:22.480
If you're asking one person for more than they can do, adjust their job description.
00:22:22.799 --> 00:22:25.920
Give somebody else more that needs more to do or can do.
00:22:26.160 --> 00:22:27.920
Or hire somebody new.
00:22:28.960 --> 00:22:32.160
Or thank them and excuse them from the team.
00:22:32.960 --> 00:22:34.559
You're the leader here.
00:22:35.359 --> 00:22:39.039
You're not asking for help, you're staffing an operation.
00:22:40.160 --> 00:22:43.119
And you're the one in charge of it.
00:22:43.519 --> 00:22:52.720
The end of the day, what happens at that bottom line, which is your recovery, is entirely up to you.
00:22:53.279 --> 00:23:13.519
And if you have gone the extra mile and you've set your team up for success, if you have properly trained, properly evaluated, properly set it up, remember consistency, proactivity, and certainty.
00:23:13.680 --> 00:23:15.599
This is the proactivity part.
00:23:16.000 --> 00:23:25.119
And consistency, because they also, your employees, some of them will start to fade a little, get shaky.
00:23:25.839 --> 00:23:35.200
They need you as the leader to round them up, to remind them, to say, Hey, I need you here.
00:23:36.400 --> 00:23:38.480
There's nothing wrong with that.
00:23:42.559 --> 00:23:45.519
So who is on your team?
00:23:47.119 --> 00:23:48.559
What are their roles?
00:23:48.880 --> 00:23:55.440
Do they know exactly what they're supposed to do when they're supposed to do it?
00:23:56.559 --> 00:24:00.319
Or are they just somebody who says, I'm there if you need me?
00:24:01.599 --> 00:24:09.519
A list of phone numbers in your phone do no fucking good for chemsex recovery because you're not going to call them.
00:24:10.160 --> 00:24:20.799
When you have crossed that threshold of euphoric recall, you have to be proactive and plan ahead.
00:24:22.400 --> 00:24:24.960
As specific as possible.
00:24:26.160 --> 00:24:27.839
This is what it takes.
00:24:28.160 --> 00:24:29.440
I want to hear from you.
00:24:29.680 --> 00:24:30.960
Does this make sense to you?
00:24:31.039 --> 00:24:31.839
Does this resonate?
00:24:32.000 --> 00:24:32.799
Is it bullshit?
00:24:32.880 --> 00:24:33.599
Do you have a team?
00:24:33.680 --> 00:24:34.559
What have you done?
00:24:34.720 --> 00:24:35.839
Tell me in the comments.
00:24:35.920 --> 00:24:40.880
If you're on YouTube, tell me in the comments on Spotify, DM me, whatever you want to do.
00:24:41.039 --> 00:24:42.960
Send me a send me a nice little letter.
00:24:43.119 --> 00:24:43.920
Um, I don't care.
00:24:44.000 --> 00:24:45.279
I would love to hear from you though.
00:24:45.440 --> 00:24:46.720
So I hope this helps.
00:24:46.880 --> 00:24:48.720
And I'll see you next week.
00:00:00.479 --> 00:00:01.520
Chemsex.
00:00:01.760 --> 00:00:09.199
Sexualized drug use among men who have sex with men, typically involving methamphetamine, methadrone, and GHB, among others.
00:00:09.359 --> 00:00:18.399
Chemsex misuse is a worldwide epidemic that needs attention, dialogue, and hope for those lost in it, which is the purpose of the Aftermath Podcast.
00:00:18.640 --> 00:00:28.160
Please note the views expressed by the host and guest on this podcast are not to be taken as medical advice, and the content around sex and drug use can be triggering.
00:00:28.800 --> 00:00:32.320
Alright, welcome back to the Aftermath Podcast and the solo episode.
00:00:32.479 --> 00:00:35.759
Don't forget there is a supplemental study guide that goes along with every episode.
00:00:35.920 --> 00:00:37.759
The link is in the show notes.
00:00:37.920 --> 00:00:46.159
Please remember to like, subscribe, and rate the podcast so we can get the algorithm to place it in the ears and eyes of those who need it.
00:00:46.479 --> 00:00:51.359
All right, so today we are talking about your team.
00:00:51.679 --> 00:00:57.600
How to build your chemsex recovery team and how important this is.
00:00:57.920 --> 00:01:01.679
Look, we cannot do this alone.
00:01:02.240 --> 00:01:03.840
You cannot do this alone.
00:01:09.359 --> 00:01:25.760
Connecting with your team and sharing the load, having other people really reach in, hold you up, and help you through it is the best way to do this.
00:01:26.000 --> 00:01:28.000
The only way to do this, really.
00:01:28.959 --> 00:01:38.480
But what I see is because it's chemsex, because it's meth or methadrone or monkey dust or DHB or whatever, there's shame around it.
00:01:38.959 --> 00:01:43.599
And when there's shame around that, then we're afraid to ask for help often.
00:01:44.000 --> 00:01:49.599
Or we're afraid to tell our friends, we're afraid to tell our family, our partner, whoever.
00:01:50.400 --> 00:01:52.159
And we don't ask for help.
00:01:53.599 --> 00:01:56.879
So I want to be very clear about this today.
00:01:58.319 --> 00:02:12.479
About what to do and how to step into your power around who is on your recovery team and specifically what they what their role is.
00:02:12.960 --> 00:02:16.879
This is the key here that we're going to talk about here today.
00:02:18.080 --> 00:02:39.280
If you are continuing to relapse, if you are taking it all on your own, if you feel like you're a piece of shit because you only have 30 consecutive meth-free days and that you don't deserve help, and you don't deserve people to go out of their way to help you, to support you.
00:02:40.159 --> 00:02:41.360
We gotta get rid of that.
00:02:42.319 --> 00:02:51.759
We gotta get past that powerlessness belief and step up, take control and make this happen.
00:02:52.400 --> 00:02:58.639
So I want to ask yourself, or want you to ask yourself right now, without really thinking about it.
00:02:58.800 --> 00:03:00.560
Okay, who's on my team?
00:03:01.360 --> 00:03:06.159
Now, if you had to really pause there, this one is for you.
00:03:06.400 --> 00:03:11.199
Or as you're listening, you may have a team that came to mind.
00:03:11.520 --> 00:03:19.599
But I want you to really think about are they truly serving you in the best way possible?
00:03:19.919 --> 00:03:23.520
Are you utilizing them the best way possible?
00:03:23.840 --> 00:03:28.319
Could this be the missing link for your recovery?
00:03:28.639 --> 00:03:32.639
So, you know, most men can name people who love them.
00:03:33.680 --> 00:03:35.680
That is not the same thing here.
00:03:35.840 --> 00:03:37.919
Loving is a feeling, right?
00:03:38.319 --> 00:03:41.840
A team is an actual function.
00:03:43.199 --> 00:03:50.240
This, I'm here if you need me, quote unquote, if you're not if you're not watching me, I'm doing the air signs.
00:03:51.120 --> 00:03:52.800
It's a beautiful sentiment.
00:03:52.960 --> 00:03:55.680
Here's my phone number, I'm here if you need me.
00:03:56.000 --> 00:03:58.800
That is not a role.
00:04:00.000 --> 00:04:06.319
There's no job attached to it, there's no commitment attached to it, there's no specificity attached to it.
00:04:06.479 --> 00:04:08.479
Nobody knows what to do with that.
00:04:08.960 --> 00:04:11.840
Including you and probably including them.
00:04:12.400 --> 00:04:24.079
And if it's 11 o'clock on a Friday night, when your chest is tight and you're shaking, and the phone is in your hand, well, I'm here if you need me.
00:04:24.399 --> 00:04:26.639
Does about as good as a fart in the wind.
00:04:26.879 --> 00:04:27.199
Okay?
00:04:28.240 --> 00:04:33.680
You already run a business if you are in chemisex recovery.
00:04:33.759 --> 00:04:42.000
And if you're not, I want you to think about your chemisex recovery as you are the founder and you are an entrepreneur running a business.
00:04:42.240 --> 00:04:47.519
Here is what I've noticed about the men who really do make this work.
00:04:47.920 --> 00:04:49.920
They're looking at their calendar.
00:04:50.160 --> 00:04:53.920
They're quote unquote making projections, they're planning ahead.
00:04:54.079 --> 00:04:56.240
Nothing gets ahead of them, right?
00:04:56.560 --> 00:04:59.839
They're structuring their days, they have a calendar.
00:05:00.079 --> 00:05:04.800
They're staying ahead of open hours that could lead them to using.
00:05:05.040 --> 00:05:09.839
They're deciding on Monday what Saturday night is going to look like.
00:05:10.079 --> 00:05:14.240
That's that entrepreneurship attitude we need with chemsex recovery.
00:05:14.399 --> 00:05:16.160
You're running an operation.
00:05:17.199 --> 00:05:22.800
And the cost of a bad quarter could be your life, right?
00:05:23.199 --> 00:05:28.240
So let's overlay that into chemsex recovery.
00:05:28.399 --> 00:05:35.120
If you're the founder, then the people around you aren't well-wishers saying, I'm here if you need me.
00:05:35.360 --> 00:05:37.519
These people are your staff.
00:05:37.839 --> 00:05:44.399
And staff get hired, they get trained, they get reviewed, and sometimes they get let go.
00:05:44.800 --> 00:05:46.399
And I know how that sounds.
00:05:46.639 --> 00:05:49.279
My friends, my family, they're not staff.
00:05:49.519 --> 00:05:50.800
It sounds really cold.
00:05:50.959 --> 00:05:54.319
Or the men in the rooms that I go to, my support group.
00:05:54.480 --> 00:05:59.759
That's cold to talk about your best friend like an employee, but I want you to stay with me on this.
00:06:00.000 --> 00:06:01.279
It's too important.
00:06:02.480 --> 00:06:03.120
Right?
00:06:04.959 --> 00:06:08.959
Write the job description for your team.
00:06:09.120 --> 00:06:14.480
Chemsex recovery, chemsex in its very nature, is specific.
00:06:15.120 --> 00:06:19.920
Has it I'm so sorry, has its own architecture.
00:06:20.079 --> 00:06:21.839
Gazumite, bless me.
00:06:22.160 --> 00:06:24.160
Sex and the drug, right?
00:06:24.399 --> 00:06:27.519
They get wired right in the same pathway as we know.
00:06:28.240 --> 00:06:30.399
Shame lives in your body.
00:06:30.720 --> 00:06:36.720
Shame you to say you do meth is so much different than to say I have a drinking problem, right?
00:06:37.199 --> 00:06:47.360
And that reward loop, that's dopamine stacked in your brain, reopens faster than anybody believes until it's happening to them.
00:06:47.680 --> 00:07:04.240
Somebody who has never been near this, who has never participated in chemsex, who has no idea besides what they saw on Breaking Bad or something on television, they cannot know what it's like.
00:07:04.879 --> 00:07:07.439
So you have to train them.
00:07:08.319 --> 00:07:12.319
You have to share with your team, these are my danger zones.
00:07:13.439 --> 00:07:17.680
Not well, sometimes I'm sh when I'm struggling, can you be there for me?
00:07:17.920 --> 00:07:18.240
No.
00:07:18.800 --> 00:07:20.240
You need to be specific.
00:07:20.480 --> 00:07:26.079
Friday afternoon, payday, Sunday and Monday I'm off together.
00:07:26.399 --> 00:07:33.839
When I travel, that week in November when mom died, Sunday afternoons.
00:07:34.399 --> 00:07:39.360
I have something coming up at work, a big presentation, I'm going to dive after that.
00:07:39.439 --> 00:07:40.560
That's my danger zone.
00:07:40.800 --> 00:07:42.560
You need to be specific.
00:07:43.600 --> 00:07:46.720
And how they contact you.
00:07:47.680 --> 00:07:48.639
Call me.
00:07:49.120 --> 00:07:52.720
Do not text me and tell them why.
00:07:52.959 --> 00:07:55.839
Texting lets me perform.
00:07:57.120 --> 00:07:59.920
I can get away without texting you.
00:08:00.639 --> 00:08:04.240
But my voice and my image can give me away.
00:08:05.439 --> 00:08:12.000
And then you want to be specific about the questions that they need to ask, not, hey, you doing okay?
00:08:13.519 --> 00:08:19.839
A yes or no question is not going to suffice in chemisex recovery.
00:08:22.560 --> 00:08:28.480
If somebody asks how you're doing, you're going to say fine every time.
00:08:29.439 --> 00:08:43.759
A vague question, especially if you're having, if your brain is in that reward loop and you're having youth work recall, you're not going to stop and say, you're not going to stop and explain it because your brain is trying to convince you to use.
00:08:44.159 --> 00:08:47.200
So you're going to be vague if you can be vague.
00:08:47.440 --> 00:08:50.080
A vague question gets a vague answer.
00:08:50.480 --> 00:08:52.799
And you both feel like you did something.
00:08:52.960 --> 00:08:54.639
All right, I let him check in.
00:08:54.879 --> 00:08:58.720
And then your your check-in partners, maybe they're watching Bravo or something.
00:08:58.960 --> 00:09:00.000
Okay, I've checked in on him.
00:09:00.080 --> 00:09:00.639
He's fine.
00:09:00.799 --> 00:09:02.240
Back to my show.
00:09:02.879 --> 00:09:13.840
Give them questions that you can't surf through that are individual to you, that will help them pry out of you what needs to be said.
00:09:15.279 --> 00:09:17.840
Have you had any thoughts of using today?
00:09:18.080 --> 00:09:21.679
Have you found yourself on grinder or looking to try to get on grinder?
00:09:22.080 --> 00:09:25.039
Have you been emotionally dysregulated today?
00:09:25.360 --> 00:09:28.480
Have you been unusually up, unusually down?
00:09:30.080 --> 00:09:39.759
Whatever question for you hits to the root of a telltale sign that you're in trouble.
00:09:40.240 --> 00:09:43.039
Not just, hey, are you doing okay?
00:09:43.440 --> 00:09:49.200
Now you either tell them the truth or you actively lie to a real human voice, right?
00:09:49.679 --> 00:09:52.480
Most men can't do that second one.
00:09:53.120 --> 00:10:03.200
And once these people are really in your team, just like when you know when the boss is off today, they're going to know when something's off with you.
00:10:04.000 --> 00:10:06.639
It there is an intuitive pattern.
00:10:06.960 --> 00:10:12.399
When you are supporting somebody who's using, there is an intuitive pattern that you pick up on.
00:10:12.639 --> 00:10:17.759
When they're not answering the way they usually answer, they're not answering at the speed they usually answer.
00:10:18.240 --> 00:10:28.000
The way that they're answering, look, we know we read between the lines as your support team, but you usually think you have one over on them.
00:10:28.080 --> 00:10:31.120
But this is you want to set it up so that you can't.
00:10:32.879 --> 00:10:36.559
So you get to say, yes, I had a fleeting thought earlier.
00:10:37.039 --> 00:10:43.600
Based on that, we need to take this to level two, code red, right?
00:10:44.159 --> 00:10:45.840
Decide what that is.
00:10:46.639 --> 00:10:49.200
Decide what that is beforehand.
00:10:50.000 --> 00:10:59.440
If I tell you, support team member, that I had a fleeting thought, if then, if I have a fleeting thought, then.
00:10:59.759 --> 00:11:03.360
So level two is not a pep talk, it's not an extra call.
00:11:03.679 --> 00:11:06.320
Level two is somebody to come take your phone from you.
00:11:06.480 --> 00:11:09.600
Level two is somebody to come stay with you.
00:11:10.159 --> 00:11:16.879
Level two is something extreme to snap you out of the sleepwalking and autopilot.
00:11:17.200 --> 00:11:20.159
And a video check-in instead of a call.
00:11:20.399 --> 00:11:24.399
Maybe you double that for the week, the rest of the week or the rest of the day.
00:11:24.720 --> 00:11:28.799
Build it while you're feeling good before you need it.
00:11:29.440 --> 00:11:34.879
Because when euphoric recall hits, you're not you ain't calling nobody.
00:11:35.039 --> 00:11:37.600
In fact, you're probably not answering anybody.
00:11:37.919 --> 00:11:40.000
You want to get ahead of this.
00:11:40.879 --> 00:11:43.679
Your brain will not hand you that exit.
00:11:44.000 --> 00:11:47.679
It has other plans and it's very good at them.
00:11:48.159 --> 00:11:51.279
So the communication has to already be in motion.
00:11:51.519 --> 00:12:01.519
And you need a system, a defined system, like a fire, like a fire evacuation route that's posted on the wall.
00:12:01.759 --> 00:12:03.679
And then do fire drills.
00:12:04.000 --> 00:12:09.919
Team member one, if this is what you're seeing, then this happens.
00:12:10.159 --> 00:12:16.159
You need a system that's already moving, not something you have to build mid flight.
00:12:17.840 --> 00:12:19.759
Then you train them.
00:12:20.399 --> 00:12:23.919
Nobody starts a job knowing how to do it.
00:12:24.559 --> 00:12:31.919
You need to assign these people and educate them on chemsex if they aren't aware of it.
00:12:32.480 --> 00:12:34.399
Have them watch some podcasts.
00:12:34.559 --> 00:12:36.320
This one would be great.
00:12:36.720 --> 00:12:38.960
Assign them some readings, some research.
00:12:39.120 --> 00:12:41.120
Bring them to a meeting with you.
00:12:41.440 --> 00:12:54.399
Teach them what meth actually does to the reward system and what your patterns are like because a person who doesn't understand the mechanism will keep handing you willpower advice.
00:12:55.919 --> 00:13:01.440
And willpower advice from someone who loves you is its own kind of emptiness.
00:13:02.399 --> 00:13:08.799
They're going to go to bed at it at 9 p.m., not knowing that your danger zone is 11 p.m.
00:13:11.039 --> 00:13:17.039
People don't mind staying up a little extra or doing a little extra for you.
00:13:17.200 --> 00:13:21.360
They don't mind because they really want to see you succeed.
00:13:21.679 --> 00:13:29.759
And if they understand the nuances of chemsex, they're going to they're going to do it.
00:13:30.639 --> 00:13:33.200
Teach them what a trigger looks like.
00:13:35.759 --> 00:13:38.559
They need to know what it looks like.
00:13:40.399 --> 00:13:46.799
And if you if you have to, and introduce them to other people who have recovered, if you can.
00:13:51.279 --> 00:13:52.559
They're on probation.
00:13:53.600 --> 00:13:56.720
You hire them, you train them, you put them on probation.
00:13:56.799 --> 00:13:58.879
In month one, they're learning your patterns.
00:13:59.679 --> 00:14:02.159
They're learning on the job training.
00:14:03.200 --> 00:14:08.240
And by month three, they should know what it's like.
00:14:08.399 --> 00:14:09.519
They should know your patterns.
00:14:09.600 --> 00:14:11.759
They should know what's happening with you.
00:14:11.919 --> 00:14:16.399
They should be running check-ins without you prompting.
00:14:17.519 --> 00:14:21.279
And they should be on top of things for you.
00:14:23.120 --> 00:14:24.960
Because you've trained them that way.
00:14:25.120 --> 00:14:30.320
An untrained teammate, they're not a bad person.
00:14:30.480 --> 00:14:33.200
They're just unprepared, uneducated.
00:14:33.840 --> 00:14:36.399
That is your job.
00:14:37.519 --> 00:14:37.840
Okay?
00:14:38.320 --> 00:14:43.440
You hire for the role, not for somebody you love as well, by the way.
00:14:43.759 --> 00:14:49.679
You're casting a team, and we've all hired somebody we don't like, but they're good at their job.
00:14:50.639 --> 00:14:53.600
Every person on this team needs a role.
00:14:54.399 --> 00:14:55.600
Interview them.
00:14:57.120 --> 00:14:59.759
You are in charge here.
00:15:00.480 --> 00:15:08.159
There's too much at stake to be meek, to hold yourself back, and to be afraid to ask.
00:15:08.320 --> 00:15:10.320
If you don't ask, you don't get it.
00:15:12.720 --> 00:15:23.440
So some people who adore you, they want what's best for you, and they're soft with you, and they enable you wrong.
00:15:23.759 --> 00:15:25.039
Wrong higher.
00:15:25.279 --> 00:15:30.080
Now there's a place for them somewhere, but not on the top level.
00:15:30.480 --> 00:15:33.440
They're not a frontline manager, okay?
00:15:35.200 --> 00:15:39.039
Cast cast and roll them by their strength.
00:15:39.360 --> 00:15:41.279
This one is a night owl.
00:15:41.360 --> 00:15:43.279
I know what their job's going to be.
00:15:44.159 --> 00:15:54.320
This one doesn't care where you are, when you are, when she calls, she will push and push until you answer.
00:15:55.919 --> 00:16:02.559
You want to have some of the most nosy, intrusive possible people on your team.
00:16:02.639 --> 00:16:03.759
I've talked about this before.
00:16:04.000 --> 00:16:07.679
Oftentimes, no offense, this is a straight woman.
00:16:08.000 --> 00:16:10.000
One of your straight woman friends.
00:16:10.240 --> 00:16:20.559
She is going to make fucking sure that you do what you're supposed to do, but you have to let her and train her and set the expectation.
00:16:23.120 --> 00:16:28.720
You want somebody who will invade your privacy and not apologize for it.
00:16:29.679 --> 00:16:30.000
Okay.
00:16:32.000 --> 00:16:35.600
This woman or this person, you know, they're not worried.
00:16:35.840 --> 00:16:41.039
They're not worried about being a buzzkill or a cock block, because sometimes the other gay men are.
00:16:41.679 --> 00:16:42.320
Right?
00:16:42.559 --> 00:16:47.279
A lot of gay men will be worried about that and back off a little bit.
00:16:47.919 --> 00:16:48.240
No.
00:16:49.519 --> 00:16:54.720
No operation lets one person be the only one who can do a critical job, right?
00:16:54.879 --> 00:16:58.799
So if your night owl is traveling, who is the replacement?
00:16:58.960 --> 00:17:00.320
Cross-training.
00:17:01.759 --> 00:17:08.000
You need to cross-train as well so that you have coverage for when one person's not there.
00:17:08.240 --> 00:17:09.920
I'm serious about this.
00:17:10.480 --> 00:17:15.839
There should never be a gap in duties because you are going to see that gap and run with it.
00:17:16.720 --> 00:17:21.680
In early chemsex recovery, you have to give up your privacy and you do it on purpose.
00:17:21.759 --> 00:17:28.400
And for some men, that means maybe have having somebody with view-only access to your bank account.
00:17:28.720 --> 00:17:35.920
For some, it means parental control so that somebody else looks to see and they can monitor everything you're doing on your phone.
00:17:38.799 --> 00:17:44.319
If this sounds extreme, I want to ask you, how has what you've been doing working?
00:17:45.759 --> 00:17:50.559
So I know, I know exactly how this feels, right?
00:17:51.200 --> 00:17:55.839
It feels a little butt scary to some of you, but this is the scaffolding to your recovery.
00:17:56.079 --> 00:18:03.359
You put it up to build the structure, and then you take it down as time goes on, right?
00:18:04.400 --> 00:18:05.839
You you can step down.
00:18:05.920 --> 00:18:08.160
This isn't the rest of your life, right?
00:18:08.640 --> 00:18:13.359
This is necessary for this portion of your life.
00:18:13.599 --> 00:18:13.920
Okay.
00:18:16.160 --> 00:18:22.000
So with your team, just like if you're running a business, give them performance reviews.
00:18:22.240 --> 00:18:30.400
This is the this is the part that really separates the men who create a long-term impactful team.
00:18:30.799 --> 00:18:34.799
You review your team the way a supervisor would.
00:18:34.960 --> 00:18:36.160
Here's how you're doing.
00:18:36.319 --> 00:18:37.759
Here's what you've been missing.
00:18:37.920 --> 00:18:39.119
Here's what I need more of.
00:18:39.279 --> 00:18:40.640
Here's what I need less of.
00:18:40.799 --> 00:18:42.160
Here's your ratings.
00:18:45.200 --> 00:18:47.519
You will let things go after a while.
00:18:47.759 --> 00:19:02.720
You will see that employees not doing their job, but because of the way that your brain is structured and has been restructured by myth, you're more apt to let things go and just let that employee be.
00:19:06.960 --> 00:19:09.839
No, you must not do that.
00:19:12.319 --> 00:19:16.640
You might notice somebody just calling and just chit-chatting.
00:19:18.240 --> 00:19:18.880
Right?
00:19:19.519 --> 00:19:19.839
No.
00:19:20.480 --> 00:19:22.559
Don't let them get away with that.
00:19:24.480 --> 00:19:34.640
You can't decide, you just you have to get out of this mindset that you're asking too much, that you're a burden, that you don't want to hurt their feelings.
00:19:34.880 --> 00:19:36.640
It is not worth it.
00:19:36.880 --> 00:19:44.000
This is too detrimental to your life to worry about hurting somebody's feelings.
00:19:44.240 --> 00:19:47.519
And I'm telling you, more often than not, you're not going to.
00:19:47.680 --> 00:19:49.359
They want to do more.
00:19:49.680 --> 00:19:51.599
They want to see you well.
00:19:54.240 --> 00:20:00.799
People who really love you will go further than you ever imagined, further than you even ask.
00:20:01.200 --> 00:20:04.240
But you must make it clear.
00:20:05.519 --> 00:20:08.480
You the one steering this ship.
00:20:11.759 --> 00:20:17.599
Somebody who's flaking on check-ins, they need to be reprimanded or let go.
00:20:18.240 --> 00:20:21.599
They're teaching your brain that the system has holes in it.
00:20:21.839 --> 00:20:26.160
And if your brain learns that a system has a hole in it, it's going to take it.
00:20:26.799 --> 00:20:27.119
Okay?
00:20:28.640 --> 00:20:31.599
And you can do all of this, of course, with grace.
00:20:31.759 --> 00:20:33.680
You don't have to be an asshole.
00:20:34.640 --> 00:20:38.960
If the role wasn't the right fit, just I'm grateful for you.
00:20:39.200 --> 00:20:42.720
I know you're trying, but this is not what I need right now.
00:20:42.880 --> 00:20:44.480
I need something else.
00:20:49.440 --> 00:20:57.599
Because would you let an underperforming employee if their failure was costing you your business?
00:20:58.559 --> 00:21:04.240
Would you let the friendship get in the way if their failure is costing you your life?
00:21:06.400 --> 00:21:08.319
You are the leader here.
00:21:11.119 --> 00:21:16.240
It does not matter how many times you have relapsed.
00:21:16.400 --> 00:21:25.119
It does not matter how long you've been using, or how hard you've been using, or how many fucking meth-free days consecutively you have in a row.
00:21:25.279 --> 00:21:27.119
It does not matter.
00:21:29.039 --> 00:21:41.039
Your authority over your own record recovery is your birthright and your right and your power is not something you earn.
00:21:43.359 --> 00:21:45.440
It comes with the job.
00:21:47.359 --> 00:21:49.680
It's your responsibility.
00:21:50.640 --> 00:21:54.079
So don't be meek about it, be mousy about it.
00:21:54.319 --> 00:22:03.119
Don't soften the ask or apologize or decide in advance that it's too much before somebody's even had a chance to say yes.
00:22:03.680 --> 00:22:08.240
There is too much at stake for you to be polite about this.
00:22:08.640 --> 00:22:09.920
Graceful, yes.
00:22:10.160 --> 00:22:11.759
Merciful, yes.
00:22:16.720 --> 00:22:22.480
If you're asking one person for more than they can do, adjust their job description.
00:22:22.799 --> 00:22:25.920
Give somebody else more that needs more to do or can do.
00:22:26.160 --> 00:22:27.920
Or hire somebody new.
00:22:28.960 --> 00:22:32.160
Or thank them and excuse them from the team.
00:22:32.960 --> 00:22:34.559
You're the leader here.
00:22:35.359 --> 00:22:39.039
You're not asking for help, you're staffing an operation.
00:22:40.160 --> 00:22:43.119
And you're the one in charge of it.
00:22:43.519 --> 00:22:52.720
The end of the day, what happens at that bottom line, which is your recovery, is entirely up to you.
00:22:53.279 --> 00:23:13.519
And if you have gone the extra mile and you've set your team up for success, if you have properly trained, properly evaluated, properly set it up, remember consistency, proactivity, and certainty.
00:23:13.680 --> 00:23:15.599
This is the proactivity part.
00:23:16.000 --> 00:23:25.119
And consistency, because they also, your employees, some of them will start to fade a little, get shaky.
00:23:25.839 --> 00:23:35.200
They need you as the leader to round them up, to remind them, to say, Hey, I need you here.
00:23:36.400 --> 00:23:38.480
There's nothing wrong with that.
00:23:42.559 --> 00:23:45.519
So who is on your team?
00:23:47.119 --> 00:23:48.559
What are their roles?
00:23:48.880 --> 00:23:55.440
Do they know exactly what they're supposed to do when they're supposed to do it?
00:23:56.559 --> 00:24:00.319
Or are they just somebody who says, I'm there if you need me?
00:24:01.599 --> 00:24:09.519
A list of phone numbers in your phone do no fucking good for chemsex recovery because you're not going to call them.
00:24:10.160 --> 00:24:20.799
When you have crossed that threshold of euphoric recall, you have to be proactive and plan ahead.
00:24:22.400 --> 00:24:24.960
As specific as possible.
00:24:26.160 --> 00:24:27.839
This is what it takes.
00:24:28.160 --> 00:24:29.440
I want to hear from you.
00:24:29.680 --> 00:24:30.960
Does this make sense to you?
00:24:31.039 --> 00:24:31.839
Does this resonate?
00:24:32.000 --> 00:24:32.799
Is it bullshit?
00:24:32.880 --> 00:24:33.599
Do you have a team?
00:24:33.680 --> 00:24:34.559
What have you done?
00:24:34.720 --> 00:24:35.839
Tell me in the comments.
00:24:35.920 --> 00:24:40.880
If you're on YouTube, tell me in the comments on Spotify, DM me, whatever you want to do.
00:24:41.039 --> 00:24:42.960
Send me a send me a nice little letter.
00:24:43.119 --> 00:24:43.920
Um, I don't care.
00:24:44.000 --> 00:24:45.279
I would love to hear from you though.
00:24:45.440 --> 00:24:46.720
So I hope this helps.
00:24:46.880 --> 00:24:48.720
And I'll see you next week.
