WEBVTT
00:00:06.240 --> 00:00:16.559
Welcome to toddlers Made Easy, where there's no fluff, just practical, big-hearted parenting strategies to help you calmly manage all those crazy awesome parenting moments.
00:00:16.800 --> 00:00:18.800
For those of you who don't know me, I'm Dr.
00:00:18.879 --> 00:00:24.000
Catherine, a recently retired pediatrician with more than 40 years of experience.
00:00:24.160 --> 00:00:31.760
I'm the author of three parenting books, the founder of Healthiest Baby, and most importantly, the mom of four amazing adult kids.
00:00:31.920 --> 00:00:36.320
And then there's Smudge, my great big golden doodle who thinks he's a lapdog.
00:00:36.560 --> 00:00:44.399
Today, let me show you one of the easiest ways I know to get a young child's cooperation without getting loud or overwhelmed.
00:00:44.640 --> 00:00:48.640
Three-year-old Jamie loved looking at her face in the doorknob.
00:00:48.799 --> 00:00:51.840
It was one of her most successful stalling techniques.
00:00:52.079 --> 00:00:54.640
Let's go home and bake cupcakes, her mom tried.
00:00:54.880 --> 00:00:57.280
Should we use blueberries or chocolate chips?
00:00:57.439 --> 00:00:58.880
Well, Jamie didn't budge.
00:00:58.960 --> 00:01:01.359
Instead, she tightened her grip on the doorknob.
00:01:01.520 --> 00:01:07.040
And after a few more attempts, her dad said, Okay, Jamie, we're leaving now, and he pretended to leave.
00:01:07.200 --> 00:01:08.799
Well, Jamie just ignored him.
00:01:08.959 --> 00:01:12.560
He asked again nicely, and then finally he raised his voice.
00:01:12.879 --> 00:01:13.519
Enough.
00:01:13.760 --> 00:01:16.480
I call this the Comcom Explode cycle.
00:01:16.640 --> 00:01:24.319
We play a cool, we ask nicely, maybe we even validate feelings or explain things, and perhaps another approach or two.
00:01:24.480 --> 00:01:27.280
And when nothing works, eventually we blow.
00:01:27.519 --> 00:01:34.159
But you know, there's a much easier way to get a little kid to leave, or to listen to you, or to cooperate.
00:01:34.319 --> 00:01:37.760
In fact, Jamie was giving her parents a clue about what might help.
00:01:38.000 --> 00:01:38.799
Do you know what it was?
00:01:38.879 --> 00:01:40.000
It's the doorknob.
00:01:40.159 --> 00:01:41.359
She wanted to play.
00:01:41.519 --> 00:01:47.920
And playfulness is one of the most underused but most effective discipline tools we have with young kids.
00:01:48.079 --> 00:01:57.439
When we need our kids to do something, especially when they're resisting us, our instinct is often to get more serious or to get louder or to put more pressure.
00:01:57.599 --> 00:02:02.400
We repeat ourselves, our voice gets firmer, we explain why they need to listen.
00:02:02.480 --> 00:02:06.879
And if they still don't cooperate, we assume we need to increase the pressure.
00:02:07.120 --> 00:02:09.919
But young kids live in the world of play.
00:02:10.080 --> 00:02:14.400
Sometimes the easiest way to get their cooperation is to meet them there.
00:02:14.719 --> 00:02:21.360
So for instance, Jamie's dad could have crouched down beside her and looked into the doorknob and said, Whoa, look at my nose.
00:02:21.520 --> 00:02:22.800
What happened to my face?
00:02:23.039 --> 00:02:28.560
And after they'd played a moment or two, he'd say, Come on, let's see what our faces look like in the car window.
00:02:28.719 --> 00:02:30.240
Now, would that work every time?
00:02:30.479 --> 00:02:31.439
Probably not.
00:02:31.599 --> 00:02:38.719
But playfulness can make a hard transition so much easier because you're approaching your child in a way that speaks to them.
00:02:38.960 --> 00:02:40.960
Now notice what hasn't changed.
00:02:41.280 --> 00:02:42.879
Jamie still has to leave.
00:02:43.120 --> 00:02:45.280
The limit is exactly the same.
00:02:45.520 --> 00:02:48.800
Being playful doesn't mean you stopped being the parent.
00:02:49.039 --> 00:02:54.240
It doesn't mean Jamie gets to hang on to the doorknob until she decides she's ready to go home.
00:02:54.400 --> 00:02:56.240
You're still holding the limit.
00:02:56.400 --> 00:02:58.879
You're simply changing the route you take to get there.
00:02:58.960 --> 00:03:01.360
And I think that distinction is really important.
00:03:01.759 --> 00:03:07.199
We tend to assume that when a child isn't cooperating, we need more authority to be harsher.
00:03:07.360 --> 00:03:11.360
And sometimes what we actually need is just a better way of reaching our kids.
00:03:11.599 --> 00:03:18.319
A three-year-old may have very little interest in your schedule, your explanation, or the fact that you've already asked four times.
00:03:18.479 --> 00:03:19.919
But make the shoes talk.
00:03:20.159 --> 00:03:21.759
Now you've got their attention.
00:03:21.919 --> 00:03:24.319
Maybe the shoes are looking for someone's feet.
00:03:24.479 --> 00:03:27.360
Maybe they accidentally ended up on your hands.
00:03:27.520 --> 00:03:31.520
Maybe you whisper, I don't think these shoes know where they're supposed to go.
00:03:31.680 --> 00:03:34.000
You haven't changed what needs to happen.
00:03:34.159 --> 00:03:36.159
The shoes still need to go on.
00:03:36.319 --> 00:03:41.520
You've just found a way into cooperation that makes sense to a young kid.
00:03:41.680 --> 00:03:46.080
And play gets their attention in a way another explanation often won't.
00:03:46.319 --> 00:03:49.039
It can take some of the friction out of the transition.
00:03:49.199 --> 00:03:54.080
It lets you stay connected while still expecting your child to do something they don't want to do.
00:03:54.240 --> 00:03:59.039
And frankly, acting a little childish once in a while may actually lower your stress level.
00:03:59.199 --> 00:04:00.479
Now I know what you're thinking.
00:04:00.639 --> 00:04:03.120
Do I have to turn every single thing into a game?
00:04:03.280 --> 00:04:04.639
Well, no, you don't.
00:04:04.879 --> 00:04:06.159
Sometimes you're tired.
00:04:06.319 --> 00:04:07.919
Sometimes your child's tired.
00:04:08.080 --> 00:04:11.039
Sometimes nobody has the energy to make the pajamas sing.
00:04:11.520 --> 00:04:15.520
And sometimes you need to just pick up a screaming child and leave Target.
00:04:15.759 --> 00:04:21.360
Playfulness is a tool, and it's a very useful tool to have available before you get to yelling.
00:04:21.600 --> 00:04:23.920
So what does being playful actually look like?
00:04:24.160 --> 00:04:35.040
When I was practicing pediatrics, I used play all the time, especially when kids were afraid of having their ears checked or getting their throat examined, or sometimes even just walking into the office.
00:04:35.279 --> 00:04:41.920
I took play so seriously that I designed my office to feel more like a child's world than a doctor's office.
00:04:42.079 --> 00:04:48.720
Before you even stepped inside my office, you were greeted by the white rabbit from Alice in Wonderland on the front door.
00:04:48.959 --> 00:04:50.240
That was intentional.
00:04:50.480 --> 00:04:55.120
I knew I was going to ask kids to do hard things that they didn't necessarily want to do.
00:04:55.439 --> 00:04:58.240
Sit up here, open your mouth, let me look in your ear.
00:04:58.399 --> 00:04:59.839
Hold still for a moment.
00:05:00.079 --> 00:05:12.639
I could have simply repeated the instruction, but if I could get a child playing with me first or turn the request itself into a game, I had a much better chance of getting their cooperation without upsetting them.
00:05:12.800 --> 00:05:16.160
Maybe the otoscope needed to examine Teddy's ear first.
00:05:16.319 --> 00:05:18.480
Let's take a look in Teddy's ear, okay?
00:05:18.639 --> 00:05:19.759
Oh, Teddy's done.
00:05:19.839 --> 00:05:20.720
Now it's your turn.
00:05:20.879 --> 00:05:22.399
That worked so many times.
00:05:22.560 --> 00:05:25.600
Maybe I act baffled about where their ears have gone.
00:05:25.759 --> 00:05:28.720
Wait a minute, you had ears when you came in here, where did they go?
00:05:28.959 --> 00:05:35.519
The child, who had been backing away from me a minute earlier, might suddenly be laughing and pointing to their ears.
00:05:35.839 --> 00:05:37.839
I still needed to examine them.
00:05:38.079 --> 00:05:45.680
The child still needed to do something they might not want to do, but I didn't necessarily need to put more pressure on them to make that happen.
00:05:45.839 --> 00:05:48.079
I needed a way of reaching them.
00:05:48.240 --> 00:05:52.480
And that's the part I think we sometimes miss when we talk about discipline.
00:05:52.639 --> 00:05:58.480
We focus so much on the behavior we want that we forget to think about the route we're taking to get there.
00:05:58.720 --> 00:06:05.360
We want the shoes on, we want your child to go to the car, we want them to stop pulling the dog's tail, we want them to go to bed.
00:06:05.519 --> 00:06:10.160
And yes, those things need to happen, but how we get there matters too.
00:06:10.399 --> 00:06:14.560
Playfulness just gives us another route and a really effective one.
00:06:14.720 --> 00:06:20.399
It lets us keep the expectation without automatically escalating the interaction.
00:06:20.560 --> 00:06:28.079
It lets us say, in effect, yes, this still has to happen, and I'm going to help you do it in a way you can manage.
00:06:28.319 --> 00:06:33.680
Sometimes that will mean being playful, and sometimes it will mean being kind and firm.
00:06:33.839 --> 00:06:38.720
Sometimes your child will be so tired, overwhelmed, or upset that play isn't going to work.
00:06:38.959 --> 00:06:43.680
The point is that play is the answer to almost every discipline problem.
00:06:43.920 --> 00:06:49.360
Resistance doesn't always mean we need to become firmer or louder or more serious.
00:06:49.600 --> 00:06:52.319
Sometimes we just need a better way of reaching a child.
00:06:52.480 --> 00:06:56.240
And with young kids, play is often one of the best ways in.
00:06:56.399 --> 00:07:03.040
Because ending unwanted behavior or getting our kids to do something is only part of the equation.
00:07:03.279 --> 00:07:07.279
We also need to think about how we get the behaviors we want to see.
00:07:07.439 --> 00:07:13.120
The limit matters, the behavior matters, but so does the child standing in front of us.
00:07:13.279 --> 00:07:18.480
We're not just trying to get a pair of shoes on or get out the door or make it through bedtime.
00:07:18.639 --> 00:07:20.480
We're raising a little person.
00:07:20.800 --> 00:07:22.480
Thank you for listening today.
00:07:22.720 --> 00:07:26.240
Keep up the good work, and I'll see you next week.
00:00:06.240 --> 00:00:16.559
Welcome to toddlers Made Easy, where there's no fluff, just practical, big-hearted parenting strategies to help you calmly manage all those crazy awesome parenting moments.
00:00:16.800 --> 00:00:18.800
For those of you who don't know me, I'm Dr.
00:00:18.879 --> 00:00:24.000
Catherine, a recently retired pediatrician with more than 40 years of experience.
00:00:24.160 --> 00:00:31.760
I'm the author of three parenting books, the founder of Healthiest Baby, and most importantly, the mom of four amazing adult kids.
00:00:31.920 --> 00:00:36.320
And then there's Smudge, my great big golden doodle who thinks he's a lapdog.
00:00:36.560 --> 00:00:44.399
Today, let me show you one of the easiest ways I know to get a young child's cooperation without getting loud or overwhelmed.
00:00:44.640 --> 00:00:48.640
Three-year-old Jamie loved looking at her face in the doorknob.
00:00:48.799 --> 00:00:51.840
It was one of her most successful stalling techniques.
00:00:52.079 --> 00:00:54.640
Let's go home and bake cupcakes, her mom tried.
00:00:54.880 --> 00:00:57.280
Should we use blueberries or chocolate chips?
00:00:57.439 --> 00:00:58.880
Well, Jamie didn't budge.
00:00:58.960 --> 00:01:01.359
Instead, she tightened her grip on the doorknob.
00:01:01.520 --> 00:01:07.040
And after a few more attempts, her dad said, Okay, Jamie, we're leaving now, and he pretended to leave.
00:01:07.200 --> 00:01:08.799
Well, Jamie just ignored him.
00:01:08.959 --> 00:01:12.560
He asked again nicely, and then finally he raised his voice.
00:01:12.879 --> 00:01:13.519
Enough.
00:01:13.760 --> 00:01:16.480
I call this the Comcom Explode cycle.
00:01:16.640 --> 00:01:24.319
We play a cool, we ask nicely, maybe we even validate feelings or explain things, and perhaps another approach or two.
00:01:24.480 --> 00:01:27.280
And when nothing works, eventually we blow.
00:01:27.519 --> 00:01:34.159
But you know, there's a much easier way to get a little kid to leave, or to listen to you, or to cooperate.
00:01:34.319 --> 00:01:37.760
In fact, Jamie was giving her parents a clue about what might help.
00:01:38.000 --> 00:01:38.799
Do you know what it was?
00:01:38.879 --> 00:01:40.000
It's the doorknob.
00:01:40.159 --> 00:01:41.359
She wanted to play.
00:01:41.519 --> 00:01:47.920
And playfulness is one of the most underused but most effective discipline tools we have with young kids.
00:01:48.079 --> 00:01:57.439
When we need our kids to do something, especially when they're resisting us, our instinct is often to get more serious or to get louder or to put more pressure.
00:01:57.599 --> 00:02:02.400
We repeat ourselves, our voice gets firmer, we explain why they need to listen.
00:02:02.480 --> 00:02:06.879
And if they still don't cooperate, we assume we need to increase the pressure.
00:02:07.120 --> 00:02:09.919
But young kids live in the world of play.
00:02:10.080 --> 00:02:14.400
Sometimes the easiest way to get their cooperation is to meet them there.
00:02:14.719 --> 00:02:21.360
So for instance, Jamie's dad could have crouched down beside her and looked into the doorknob and said, Whoa, look at my nose.
00:02:21.520 --> 00:02:22.800
What happened to my face?
00:02:23.039 --> 00:02:28.560
And after they'd played a moment or two, he'd say, Come on, let's see what our faces look like in the car window.
00:02:28.719 --> 00:02:30.240
Now, would that work every time?
00:02:30.479 --> 00:02:31.439
Probably not.
00:02:31.599 --> 00:02:38.719
But playfulness can make a hard transition so much easier because you're approaching your child in a way that speaks to them.
00:02:38.960 --> 00:02:40.960
Now notice what hasn't changed.
00:02:41.280 --> 00:02:42.879
Jamie still has to leave.
00:02:43.120 --> 00:02:45.280
The limit is exactly the same.
00:02:45.520 --> 00:02:48.800
Being playful doesn't mean you stopped being the parent.
00:02:49.039 --> 00:02:54.240
It doesn't mean Jamie gets to hang on to the doorknob until she decides she's ready to go home.
00:02:54.400 --> 00:02:56.240
You're still holding the limit.
00:02:56.400 --> 00:02:58.879
You're simply changing the route you take to get there.
00:02:58.960 --> 00:03:01.360
And I think that distinction is really important.
00:03:01.759 --> 00:03:07.199
We tend to assume that when a child isn't cooperating, we need more authority to be harsher.
00:03:07.360 --> 00:03:11.360
And sometimes what we actually need is just a better way of reaching our kids.
00:03:11.599 --> 00:03:18.319
A three-year-old may have very little interest in your schedule, your explanation, or the fact that you've already asked four times.
00:03:18.479 --> 00:03:19.919
But make the shoes talk.
00:03:20.159 --> 00:03:21.759
Now you've got their attention.
00:03:21.919 --> 00:03:24.319
Maybe the shoes are looking for someone's feet.
00:03:24.479 --> 00:03:27.360
Maybe they accidentally ended up on your hands.
00:03:27.520 --> 00:03:31.520
Maybe you whisper, I don't think these shoes know where they're supposed to go.
00:03:31.680 --> 00:03:34.000
You haven't changed what needs to happen.
00:03:34.159 --> 00:03:36.159
The shoes still need to go on.
00:03:36.319 --> 00:03:41.520
You've just found a way into cooperation that makes sense to a young kid.
00:03:41.680 --> 00:03:46.080
And play gets their attention in a way another explanation often won't.
00:03:46.319 --> 00:03:49.039
It can take some of the friction out of the transition.
00:03:49.199 --> 00:03:54.080
It lets you stay connected while still expecting your child to do something they don't want to do.
00:03:54.240 --> 00:03:59.039
And frankly, acting a little childish once in a while may actually lower your stress level.
00:03:59.199 --> 00:04:00.479
Now I know what you're thinking.
00:04:00.639 --> 00:04:03.120
Do I have to turn every single thing into a game?
00:04:03.280 --> 00:04:04.639
Well, no, you don't.
00:04:04.879 --> 00:04:06.159
Sometimes you're tired.
00:04:06.319 --> 00:04:07.919
Sometimes your child's tired.
00:04:08.080 --> 00:04:11.039
Sometimes nobody has the energy to make the pajamas sing.
00:04:11.520 --> 00:04:15.520
And sometimes you need to just pick up a screaming child and leave Target.
00:04:15.759 --> 00:04:21.360
Playfulness is a tool, and it's a very useful tool to have available before you get to yelling.
00:04:21.600 --> 00:04:23.920
So what does being playful actually look like?
00:04:24.160 --> 00:04:35.040
When I was practicing pediatrics, I used play all the time, especially when kids were afraid of having their ears checked or getting their throat examined, or sometimes even just walking into the office.
00:04:35.279 --> 00:04:41.920
I took play so seriously that I designed my office to feel more like a child's world than a doctor's office.
00:04:42.079 --> 00:04:48.720
Before you even stepped inside my office, you were greeted by the white rabbit from Alice in Wonderland on the front door.
00:04:48.959 --> 00:04:50.240
That was intentional.
00:04:50.480 --> 00:04:55.120
I knew I was going to ask kids to do hard things that they didn't necessarily want to do.
00:04:55.439 --> 00:04:58.240
Sit up here, open your mouth, let me look in your ear.
00:04:58.399 --> 00:04:59.839
Hold still for a moment.
00:05:00.079 --> 00:05:12.639
I could have simply repeated the instruction, but if I could get a child playing with me first or turn the request itself into a game, I had a much better chance of getting their cooperation without upsetting them.
00:05:12.800 --> 00:05:16.160
Maybe the otoscope needed to examine Teddy's ear first.
00:05:16.319 --> 00:05:18.480
Let's take a look in Teddy's ear, okay?
00:05:18.639 --> 00:05:19.759
Oh, Teddy's done.
00:05:19.839 --> 00:05:20.720
Now it's your turn.
00:05:20.879 --> 00:05:22.399
That worked so many times.
00:05:22.560 --> 00:05:25.600
Maybe I act baffled about where their ears have gone.
00:05:25.759 --> 00:05:28.720
Wait a minute, you had ears when you came in here, where did they go?
00:05:28.959 --> 00:05:35.519
The child, who had been backing away from me a minute earlier, might suddenly be laughing and pointing to their ears.
00:05:35.839 --> 00:05:37.839
I still needed to examine them.
00:05:38.079 --> 00:05:45.680
The child still needed to do something they might not want to do, but I didn't necessarily need to put more pressure on them to make that happen.
00:05:45.839 --> 00:05:48.079
I needed a way of reaching them.
00:05:48.240 --> 00:05:52.480
And that's the part I think we sometimes miss when we talk about discipline.
00:05:52.639 --> 00:05:58.480
We focus so much on the behavior we want that we forget to think about the route we're taking to get there.
00:05:58.720 --> 00:06:05.360
We want the shoes on, we want your child to go to the car, we want them to stop pulling the dog's tail, we want them to go to bed.
00:06:05.519 --> 00:06:10.160
And yes, those things need to happen, but how we get there matters too.
00:06:10.399 --> 00:06:14.560
Playfulness just gives us another route and a really effective one.
00:06:14.720 --> 00:06:20.399
It lets us keep the expectation without automatically escalating the interaction.
00:06:20.560 --> 00:06:28.079
It lets us say, in effect, yes, this still has to happen, and I'm going to help you do it in a way you can manage.
00:06:28.319 --> 00:06:33.680
Sometimes that will mean being playful, and sometimes it will mean being kind and firm.
00:06:33.839 --> 00:06:38.720
Sometimes your child will be so tired, overwhelmed, or upset that play isn't going to work.
00:06:38.959 --> 00:06:43.680
The point is that play is the answer to almost every discipline problem.
00:06:43.920 --> 00:06:49.360
Resistance doesn't always mean we need to become firmer or louder or more serious.
00:06:49.600 --> 00:06:52.319
Sometimes we just need a better way of reaching a child.
00:06:52.480 --> 00:06:56.240
And with young kids, play is often one of the best ways in.
00:06:56.399 --> 00:07:03.040
Because ending unwanted behavior or getting our kids to do something is only part of the equation.
00:07:03.279 --> 00:07:07.279
We also need to think about how we get the behaviors we want to see.
00:07:07.439 --> 00:07:13.120
The limit matters, the behavior matters, but so does the child standing in front of us.
00:07:13.279 --> 00:07:18.480
We're not just trying to get a pair of shoes on or get out the door or make it through bedtime.
00:07:18.639 --> 00:07:20.480
We're raising a little person.
00:07:20.800 --> 00:07:22.480
Thank you for listening today.
00:07:22.720 --> 00:07:26.240
Keep up the good work, and I'll see you next week.
