WEBVTT
00:00:06.240 --> 00:00:08.560
Welcome to Toddler's Made Easy.
00:00:08.720 --> 00:00:09.279
I'm Dr.
00:00:09.439 --> 00:00:15.839
Catherine, a pediatrician with 40 years of experience, a mom of four, and a proud manna.
00:00:16.079 --> 00:00:17.359
I'm so glad you're here.
00:00:17.600 --> 00:00:20.480
Can a three-year-old really have friendship problems?
00:00:20.719 --> 00:00:22.719
That's a question I often get.
00:00:22.879 --> 00:00:24.960
Most parents assume the answer is no.
00:00:25.199 --> 00:00:36.320
We think loneliness, rejection, and hurt feelings don't really show up until elementary school, but they're often surprised to discover those first painful social moments can begin much earlier.
00:00:36.560 --> 00:00:39.200
A grandmother recently shared this story with me.
00:00:39.359 --> 00:00:43.439
I picked up my three and a half-year-old granddaughter from camp twice a week.
00:00:43.679 --> 00:00:50.479
Her face always lights up when she sees me, but one day recently she climbed into the car unusually quiet.
00:00:50.640 --> 00:00:52.159
So I asked, how was camp?
00:00:52.320 --> 00:00:54.640
Nobody wanted to play with me today, she said.
00:00:54.799 --> 00:00:58.320
And then she added, I don't want those girls to come to my house.
00:00:58.560 --> 00:00:59.039
Why?
00:00:59.280 --> 00:00:59.920
I asked.
00:01:00.159 --> 00:01:02.240
Because they said I couldn't come to their house.
00:01:02.479 --> 00:01:10.560
Later I watched a video from her day, and the children were playing a music game where everyone had to choose a partner, but no one chose my granddaughter.
00:01:10.719 --> 00:01:12.159
My heart broke for her.
00:01:12.319 --> 00:01:16.959
In that moment I remembered exactly what it felt like to be the child who was left out.
00:01:17.120 --> 00:01:21.359
I just never imagined those feelings could begin at three years old.
00:01:21.680 --> 00:01:27.680
That story really stuck with me because I think it captures something many parents don't expect.
00:01:27.920 --> 00:01:34.400
We tend to think friendship problems begin in elementary school or maybe even middle school, but they don't.
00:01:34.640 --> 00:01:43.280
For many children, the very first experiences of rejection, disappointment, and being left out can happen during preschool years.
00:01:43.519 --> 00:01:55.280
So today I want to talk about what friendship actually looks like at this age, why friendship problems are so common, and how we can help our children build the skills they need to make and keep friends.
00:01:55.519 --> 00:02:03.040
Now, before we talk about friendship problems though, we first need to understand what friendship looks like in the preschool years.
00:02:03.280 --> 00:02:11.520
Around age three, children are moving beyond parallel play, where they just play beside one another, and they're moving into more interactive play.
00:02:11.599 --> 00:02:24.400
They're beginning to communicate more, negotiate, pretend together, solve simple disagreements, and understand that another child has thoughts and feelings that actually may be different from our own.
00:02:24.639 --> 00:02:28.719
That's a tremendous amount of social learning happening all at once.
00:02:28.960 --> 00:02:35.520
And one of the biggest misconceptions is that preschool friendships are kind of cute, but they don't really matter.
00:02:35.759 --> 00:02:38.400
Well, we know now that's not really true.
00:02:38.639 --> 00:02:49.599
Even very young children form meaningful friendships, and those friendships give them companionship, comfort, and countless opportunities to learn important social skills.
00:02:49.840 --> 00:02:55.039
And at the same time, preschool friendships don't really look like adult friendships.
00:02:55.280 --> 00:03:01.039
Young children don't become friends because they have deep conversations or share life stories.
00:03:01.199 --> 00:03:08.560
They become friends because they see each other regularly, they enjoy the same activities, and they have fun playing together.
00:03:08.800 --> 00:03:13.919
Repeated opportunities to play with the same children are what make friendships stick.
00:03:14.080 --> 00:03:17.120
Friendships rarely develop after one play date.
00:03:17.280 --> 00:03:28.719
They grow through many shared experiences, especially during unstructured play where children can create games, solve problems, negotiate, disagree, and make up again.
00:03:28.879 --> 00:03:31.759
Researchers have also noticed something interesting.
00:03:32.000 --> 00:03:35.280
Young kids often imitate one another during play.
00:03:35.520 --> 00:03:39.280
One child starts building a tower and the other joins in.
00:03:39.520 --> 00:03:44.719
One pretends to be a veterinarian and the other child all of a sudden is a vet too.
00:03:44.960 --> 00:03:50.800
This back and forth imitation is one of the ways children connect and build relationships.
00:03:51.039 --> 00:03:59.759
Now, once we understand how friendships develop, it becomes much easier to understand why friendship problems are so common during the preschool years.
00:04:00.000 --> 00:04:10.719
Three-year-olds are still learning how to take turns, share, wait, cope with disappointment, join a group, and repair a disagreement after someone gets upset.
00:04:10.879 --> 00:04:13.120
Those aren't skills children are born with.
00:04:13.280 --> 00:04:17.839
They're skills children learn by having lots of interactions with other children.
00:04:18.000 --> 00:04:23.839
And that's why friendships at this age can seem wonderfully intense and completely unpredictable.
00:04:24.000 --> 00:04:35.839
One day your child tells you someone is their best friend, the next day they're saying they'll never play with that child again because they both wanted the same truck, or they couldn't agree on who got to be the doctor during pretend play.
00:04:36.000 --> 00:04:43.759
You might hear, nobody wanted to play with me today, or she said I couldn't come, or he's not my friend anymore.
00:04:44.000 --> 00:04:50.240
As heartbreaking as those moments are, they're usually a normal part of learning how friendships work.
00:04:50.480 --> 00:04:54.079
Kids are learning how to handle disappointment when they don't get picked.
00:04:54.240 --> 00:04:58.240
They're learning that another child might want to play with someone else some of the time.
00:04:58.399 --> 00:05:02.480
They're learning that conflicts can happen and friendships can recover.
00:05:02.639 --> 00:05:09.199
They're learning that sometimes they have to wait their turn, compromise, apologize, or try again tomorrow.
00:05:09.439 --> 00:05:12.160
This is the work of early friendships.
00:05:12.480 --> 00:05:19.839
As parents, it's incredibly hard to watch because it often brings us back to our own memories of being excluded or rejected.
00:05:20.079 --> 00:05:25.439
Our instinct is to fix it all, call another parent, make the hurt disappear.
00:05:25.600 --> 00:05:34.720
But our job isn't to make sure our child never experiences friendship problems, our job is to help them discover the skills that friendships require.
00:05:34.879 --> 00:05:38.000
That means giving them opportunities to play with other children.
00:05:38.079 --> 00:05:42.879
It means noticing, encouraging the behaviors that strengthen relationships.
00:05:43.040 --> 00:05:48.160
It means teaching them what it takes to be a good friend, how to recognize a good friend.
00:05:48.399 --> 00:05:57.839
You may say things like, that was thoughtful of you to help your friend clean up, or you shared your markers, and that really made it easier for everyone to play together.
00:05:58.079 --> 00:06:06.240
Simple comments like that help children connect kindness, cooperation, empathy, and problem solving with being a good friend.
00:06:06.480 --> 00:06:11.920
Most importantly, we don't need to panic every time our preschooler has a difficult day with friends.
00:06:12.160 --> 00:06:15.439
Learning to make and keep friends is a skill.
00:06:15.600 --> 00:06:24.319
Like language, reading, riding a bike, it grows through practice, experience, mistakes, and support from caring adults.
00:06:24.560 --> 00:06:28.399
The bumps along the way usually aren't signs that something is wrong.
00:06:28.639 --> 00:06:33.360
More often, they're signs that your child is learning exactly what friendship is.
00:06:33.600 --> 00:06:40.000
So what do you do when your child says, nobody will play with me, or I don't have any friends?
00:06:40.240 --> 00:06:42.720
Well, the first step is to gather some more information.
00:06:42.959 --> 00:06:49.839
Talk to your child's teacher or camp counselor and ask what they're seeing with regards to your child's social skills.
00:06:50.079 --> 00:06:52.480
Sometimes what you hear will surprise you.
00:06:52.639 --> 00:06:59.199
Parents are often told, oh, she's playing with the other children all day long, or he always has someone to play with.
00:06:59.360 --> 00:07:06.480
And this can leave you wondering whether your child is exaggerating or making something up, or whether they just misunderstood the situation.
00:07:06.800 --> 00:07:08.959
But here's something important to remember.
00:07:09.199 --> 00:07:12.160
Your child and the teacher may both be right.
00:07:12.319 --> 00:07:20.160
The grandmother who shared the story at the beginning of this episode eventually learned that her granddaughter usually did end up playing with other children.
00:07:20.480 --> 00:07:23.040
The problem was what happened first.
00:07:23.279 --> 00:07:28.959
She would ask to join two girls who were already playing together, and they would tell her she couldn't play.
00:07:29.120 --> 00:07:33.920
Eventually she'd find another child to play with, but the rejection had already happened.
00:07:34.160 --> 00:07:42.000
So from the teacher's perspective, she played with other children, but from the little girl's point of view, nobody wanted to play with her.
00:07:42.160 --> 00:07:44.720
And both experiences were kind of true.
00:07:44.879 --> 00:07:52.000
That's why it's important not to dismiss your child's feelings simply because the teacher reports sound a little different.
00:07:52.319 --> 00:07:59.040
Your child's feelings are real, even if their interpretation of the entire day isn't completely accurate.
00:07:59.199 --> 00:08:04.800
So before you reassure, explain, or try to solve the problem, first listen.
00:08:05.040 --> 00:08:07.680
You might say, Oh, that must have hurt.
00:08:07.920 --> 00:08:10.079
Or tell me more about what happened.
00:08:10.319 --> 00:08:17.040
Often what children need most in that moment isn't for us to convince them that everything was fine or that they have lots of friends.
00:08:17.279 --> 00:08:21.759
They just need to know we understand why it didn't feel fine to them.
00:08:22.000 --> 00:08:27.040
Avoid responding with something like, Don't be silly, your teacher said you play with lots of kids.
00:08:27.279 --> 00:08:33.759
Even if it's factually true, it doesn't address the part of the experience your child is trying to share with you.
00:08:34.000 --> 00:08:37.679
When children feel heard, they're much more likely to keep talking.
00:08:37.840 --> 00:08:45.759
And when they keep talking, we have a much better chance of understanding what's really going on from their perspective and helping them figure it out.
00:08:46.000 --> 00:08:54.399
The little girl at the beginning of this episode wasn't really saying she had no one to play with, she was telling her grandmother what it felt like to be rejected.
00:08:54.559 --> 00:08:56.399
That's the part we don't want to miss.
00:08:56.639 --> 00:09:03.840
We can't protect our kids from every friendship disappointment, but we can make sure they never have to face those feelings alone.
00:09:04.080 --> 00:09:12.399
Now, if today's episode left you wondering whether some of your child's friendship struggles are actually typical for their age, I have something that can help.
00:09:12.559 --> 00:09:16.960
It's a free checklist called, Am I Expecting Too Much of My Three Year Old?
00:09:17.279 --> 00:09:24.720
It highlights the developmental skills and the milestones every parent should know, including many that aren't talked about nearly enough.
00:09:24.879 --> 00:09:28.000
You can download it using the link in the show notes.
00:09:28.320 --> 00:09:29.840
Thank you for being here.
00:09:30.080 --> 00:09:33.519
Keep up the good work, and I'll see you next week.
00:00:06.240 --> 00:00:08.560
Welcome to Toddler's Made Easy.
00:00:08.720 --> 00:00:09.279
I'm Dr.
00:00:09.439 --> 00:00:15.839
Catherine, a pediatrician with 40 years of experience, a mom of four, and a proud manna.
00:00:16.079 --> 00:00:17.359
I'm so glad you're here.
00:00:17.600 --> 00:00:20.480
Can a three-year-old really have friendship problems?
00:00:20.719 --> 00:00:22.719
That's a question I often get.
00:00:22.879 --> 00:00:24.960
Most parents assume the answer is no.
00:00:25.199 --> 00:00:36.320
We think loneliness, rejection, and hurt feelings don't really show up until elementary school, but they're often surprised to discover those first painful social moments can begin much earlier.
00:00:36.560 --> 00:00:39.200
A grandmother recently shared this story with me.
00:00:39.359 --> 00:00:43.439
I picked up my three and a half-year-old granddaughter from camp twice a week.
00:00:43.679 --> 00:00:50.479
Her face always lights up when she sees me, but one day recently she climbed into the car unusually quiet.
00:00:50.640 --> 00:00:52.159
So I asked, how was camp?
00:00:52.320 --> 00:00:54.640
Nobody wanted to play with me today, she said.
00:00:54.799 --> 00:00:58.320
And then she added, I don't want those girls to come to my house.
00:00:58.560 --> 00:00:59.039
Why?
00:00:59.280 --> 00:00:59.920
I asked.
00:01:00.159 --> 00:01:02.240
Because they said I couldn't come to their house.
00:01:02.479 --> 00:01:10.560
Later I watched a video from her day, and the children were playing a music game where everyone had to choose a partner, but no one chose my granddaughter.
00:01:10.719 --> 00:01:12.159
My heart broke for her.
00:01:12.319 --> 00:01:16.959
In that moment I remembered exactly what it felt like to be the child who was left out.
00:01:17.120 --> 00:01:21.359
I just never imagined those feelings could begin at three years old.
00:01:21.680 --> 00:01:27.680
That story really stuck with me because I think it captures something many parents don't expect.
00:01:27.920 --> 00:01:34.400
We tend to think friendship problems begin in elementary school or maybe even middle school, but they don't.
00:01:34.640 --> 00:01:43.280
For many children, the very first experiences of rejection, disappointment, and being left out can happen during preschool years.
00:01:43.519 --> 00:01:55.280
So today I want to talk about what friendship actually looks like at this age, why friendship problems are so common, and how we can help our children build the skills they need to make and keep friends.
00:01:55.519 --> 00:02:03.040
Now, before we talk about friendship problems though, we first need to understand what friendship looks like in the preschool years.
00:02:03.280 --> 00:02:11.520
Around age three, children are moving beyond parallel play, where they just play beside one another, and they're moving into more interactive play.
00:02:11.599 --> 00:02:24.400
They're beginning to communicate more, negotiate, pretend together, solve simple disagreements, and understand that another child has thoughts and feelings that actually may be different from our own.
00:02:24.639 --> 00:02:28.719
That's a tremendous amount of social learning happening all at once.
00:02:28.960 --> 00:02:35.520
And one of the biggest misconceptions is that preschool friendships are kind of cute, but they don't really matter.
00:02:35.759 --> 00:02:38.400
Well, we know now that's not really true.
00:02:38.639 --> 00:02:49.599
Even very young children form meaningful friendships, and those friendships give them companionship, comfort, and countless opportunities to learn important social skills.
00:02:49.840 --> 00:02:55.039
And at the same time, preschool friendships don't really look like adult friendships.
00:02:55.280 --> 00:03:01.039
Young children don't become friends because they have deep conversations or share life stories.
00:03:01.199 --> 00:03:08.560
They become friends because they see each other regularly, they enjoy the same activities, and they have fun playing together.
00:03:08.800 --> 00:03:13.919
Repeated opportunities to play with the same children are what make friendships stick.
00:03:14.080 --> 00:03:17.120
Friendships rarely develop after one play date.
00:03:17.280 --> 00:03:28.719
They grow through many shared experiences, especially during unstructured play where children can create games, solve problems, negotiate, disagree, and make up again.
00:03:28.879 --> 00:03:31.759
Researchers have also noticed something interesting.
00:03:32.000 --> 00:03:35.280
Young kids often imitate one another during play.
00:03:35.520 --> 00:03:39.280
One child starts building a tower and the other joins in.
00:03:39.520 --> 00:03:44.719
One pretends to be a veterinarian and the other child all of a sudden is a vet too.
00:03:44.960 --> 00:03:50.800
This back and forth imitation is one of the ways children connect and build relationships.
00:03:51.039 --> 00:03:59.759
Now, once we understand how friendships develop, it becomes much easier to understand why friendship problems are so common during the preschool years.
00:04:00.000 --> 00:04:10.719
Three-year-olds are still learning how to take turns, share, wait, cope with disappointment, join a group, and repair a disagreement after someone gets upset.
00:04:10.879 --> 00:04:13.120
Those aren't skills children are born with.
00:04:13.280 --> 00:04:17.839
They're skills children learn by having lots of interactions with other children.
00:04:18.000 --> 00:04:23.839
And that's why friendships at this age can seem wonderfully intense and completely unpredictable.
00:04:24.000 --> 00:04:35.839
One day your child tells you someone is their best friend, the next day they're saying they'll never play with that child again because they both wanted the same truck, or they couldn't agree on who got to be the doctor during pretend play.
00:04:36.000 --> 00:04:43.759
You might hear, nobody wanted to play with me today, or she said I couldn't come, or he's not my friend anymore.
00:04:44.000 --> 00:04:50.240
As heartbreaking as those moments are, they're usually a normal part of learning how friendships work.
00:04:50.480 --> 00:04:54.079
Kids are learning how to handle disappointment when they don't get picked.
00:04:54.240 --> 00:04:58.240
They're learning that another child might want to play with someone else some of the time.
00:04:58.399 --> 00:05:02.480
They're learning that conflicts can happen and friendships can recover.
00:05:02.639 --> 00:05:09.199
They're learning that sometimes they have to wait their turn, compromise, apologize, or try again tomorrow.
00:05:09.439 --> 00:05:12.160
This is the work of early friendships.
00:05:12.480 --> 00:05:19.839
As parents, it's incredibly hard to watch because it often brings us back to our own memories of being excluded or rejected.
00:05:20.079 --> 00:05:25.439
Our instinct is to fix it all, call another parent, make the hurt disappear.
00:05:25.600 --> 00:05:34.720
But our job isn't to make sure our child never experiences friendship problems, our job is to help them discover the skills that friendships require.
00:05:34.879 --> 00:05:38.000
That means giving them opportunities to play with other children.
00:05:38.079 --> 00:05:42.879
It means noticing, encouraging the behaviors that strengthen relationships.
00:05:43.040 --> 00:05:48.160
It means teaching them what it takes to be a good friend, how to recognize a good friend.
00:05:48.399 --> 00:05:57.839
You may say things like, that was thoughtful of you to help your friend clean up, or you shared your markers, and that really made it easier for everyone to play together.
00:05:58.079 --> 00:06:06.240
Simple comments like that help children connect kindness, cooperation, empathy, and problem solving with being a good friend.
00:06:06.480 --> 00:06:11.920
Most importantly, we don't need to panic every time our preschooler has a difficult day with friends.
00:06:12.160 --> 00:06:15.439
Learning to make and keep friends is a skill.
00:06:15.600 --> 00:06:24.319
Like language, reading, riding a bike, it grows through practice, experience, mistakes, and support from caring adults.
00:06:24.560 --> 00:06:28.399
The bumps along the way usually aren't signs that something is wrong.
00:06:28.639 --> 00:06:33.360
More often, they're signs that your child is learning exactly what friendship is.
00:06:33.600 --> 00:06:40.000
So what do you do when your child says, nobody will play with me, or I don't have any friends?
00:06:40.240 --> 00:06:42.720
Well, the first step is to gather some more information.
00:06:42.959 --> 00:06:49.839
Talk to your child's teacher or camp counselor and ask what they're seeing with regards to your child's social skills.
00:06:50.079 --> 00:06:52.480
Sometimes what you hear will surprise you.
00:06:52.639 --> 00:06:59.199
Parents are often told, oh, she's playing with the other children all day long, or he always has someone to play with.
00:06:59.360 --> 00:07:06.480
And this can leave you wondering whether your child is exaggerating or making something up, or whether they just misunderstood the situation.
00:07:06.800 --> 00:07:08.959
But here's something important to remember.
00:07:09.199 --> 00:07:12.160
Your child and the teacher may both be right.
00:07:12.319 --> 00:07:20.160
The grandmother who shared the story at the beginning of this episode eventually learned that her granddaughter usually did end up playing with other children.
00:07:20.480 --> 00:07:23.040
The problem was what happened first.
00:07:23.279 --> 00:07:28.959
She would ask to join two girls who were already playing together, and they would tell her she couldn't play.
00:07:29.120 --> 00:07:33.920
Eventually she'd find another child to play with, but the rejection had already happened.
00:07:34.160 --> 00:07:42.000
So from the teacher's perspective, she played with other children, but from the little girl's point of view, nobody wanted to play with her.
00:07:42.160 --> 00:07:44.720
And both experiences were kind of true.
00:07:44.879 --> 00:07:52.000
That's why it's important not to dismiss your child's feelings simply because the teacher reports sound a little different.
00:07:52.319 --> 00:07:59.040
Your child's feelings are real, even if their interpretation of the entire day isn't completely accurate.
00:07:59.199 --> 00:08:04.800
So before you reassure, explain, or try to solve the problem, first listen.
00:08:05.040 --> 00:08:07.680
You might say, Oh, that must have hurt.
00:08:07.920 --> 00:08:10.079
Or tell me more about what happened.
00:08:10.319 --> 00:08:17.040
Often what children need most in that moment isn't for us to convince them that everything was fine or that they have lots of friends.
00:08:17.279 --> 00:08:21.759
They just need to know we understand why it didn't feel fine to them.
00:08:22.000 --> 00:08:27.040
Avoid responding with something like, Don't be silly, your teacher said you play with lots of kids.
00:08:27.279 --> 00:08:33.759
Even if it's factually true, it doesn't address the part of the experience your child is trying to share with you.
00:08:34.000 --> 00:08:37.679
When children feel heard, they're much more likely to keep talking.
00:08:37.840 --> 00:08:45.759
And when they keep talking, we have a much better chance of understanding what's really going on from their perspective and helping them figure it out.
00:08:46.000 --> 00:08:54.399
The little girl at the beginning of this episode wasn't really saying she had no one to play with, she was telling her grandmother what it felt like to be rejected.
00:08:54.559 --> 00:08:56.399
That's the part we don't want to miss.
00:08:56.639 --> 00:09:03.840
We can't protect our kids from every friendship disappointment, but we can make sure they never have to face those feelings alone.
00:09:04.080 --> 00:09:12.399
Now, if today's episode left you wondering whether some of your child's friendship struggles are actually typical for their age, I have something that can help.
00:09:12.559 --> 00:09:16.960
It's a free checklist called, Am I Expecting Too Much of My Three Year Old?
00:09:17.279 --> 00:09:24.720
It highlights the developmental skills and the milestones every parent should know, including many that aren't talked about nearly enough.
00:09:24.879 --> 00:09:28.000
You can download it using the link in the show notes.
00:09:28.320 --> 00:09:29.840
Thank you for being here.
00:09:30.080 --> 00:09:33.519
Keep up the good work, and I'll see you next week.
