When Good Men Do Nothing: Lessons on Leadership and Accountability

WEBVTT
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Welcome to the Optimizing Beyond podcast. I'm
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Josh Negron, and this show is all about sharing
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lessons, ideas, and strategies that sharpen your
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thinking, strengthen your habits, and push you
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to grow beyond comfort zones. Let's dive in.
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Hey everyone, today we're walking right into
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the fire. I think we all know toxic masculinity.
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They tell us that men or leaders are too aggressive
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or too much. But I've been wrestling with a different
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truth over the last few years. I don't think
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the problem is too much strength. I think the
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problem might be absence. It's what happens when
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capable people step back to keep the peace, only
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to realize that stepping back, they've actually
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opened the door for chaos to walk in. Let's call
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that abdication. I read a powerful quote this
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week that played into this dynamic, and I knew
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I had to share those thoughts with you so we
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really can take a look at this. So step right
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into this with me, and let's get into it. Now
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let's start by reading the quote from Edwin Cole
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this week. The book is called Maximizing Manhood,
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and the quote is, people appreciate or depreciate
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based on the value placed upon them. Let me read
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that again. people appreciate or depreciate based
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on the value placed upon them. So let's get into
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the words of this quote. So appreciation isn't
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just being nice, it's actually defining an economic
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value of going up or going down like almost an
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investment. This struck me when I read about
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it, particularly when you think about the most
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important relationships in your life, like say
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with your spouse or your kids, or maybe... you
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know, employees and other people that are close
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to you. So let's go with the example of spouses.
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It's super common in like sitcoms and things
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like that, where the jokes always made that the
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spouse would love a gift or something that signifies
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thoughtfulness just for no reason whatsoever.
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Why is that so critical? And why is that so meaningful?
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I think it starts to scratch at the surface of
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what this is talking about. You're taking those
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instances to appreciate that person. Oftentimes,
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it can be more meaningful when it's not tied
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to something significant like a birthday or anniversary.
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Just letting someone know, hey, I thought of
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you. Now, this can be done in very simple ways
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like... just via a simple text or a call, like
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where you're not asking for anything. You don't
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want anything from them. You're just seeing how
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they're doing. You just wanted to let them know
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that you were thinking about them. These kinds
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of things have power. And we all know that because
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we've all had instances where we've practiced
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this and seen how it affects someone else. Now,
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because this is true, the inverse is also going
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to be true. There are moments that we can all
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recall to where in interactions with other people,
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we depreciated them. in a certain way. And you
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can tell with body language and how that person
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responds that it might have a lasting effect
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on how they view you and probably most importantly
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in this conversation, how they view themselves.
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In the book, the author gave examples of spouses
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that started living up to their spouse's beliefs
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of them. Particularly in those examples, those
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were negative examples and viewpoints of the
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opposite spouse. So spouses with poor relationship
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skills where they call each other names and belittle
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each other. it creates this pattern where the
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spouse starts to live up to the expectations
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of the other person. We've talked about the power
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of expectations in previous episodes. Those are
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expectations you have of yourself, but why wouldn't
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it also be true of the expectations you have
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of your spouse? Now, apply this to a kid. We
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were all kids at one point. We remember instances
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where people had very low expectations of us
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or they were dismissive of us. And while that
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can sometimes spur you to prove them wrong, a
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lot of times it becomes a self -fulfilling prophecy.
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You're somebody that gets bad grades or whatever,
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and you just end up being like, fine, I'll just
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prove them right. It's not worth it. So this
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is a super big reality check. This is saying
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that spouses, kids, and even employees live up
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or down to the value that we assign to them.
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Now think about that. Do you actually believe
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that? We're going to dive in more of this. Let's
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check it out. Now, I've been wondering for a
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long time if this is a problem of abdication.
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See, culture might be getting it wrong when they
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talk about men right now, that maybe the main
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problem isn't toxicity, maybe it's abdication.
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Now, I want to be clear that I'm not talking
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about the douchebag dude who is a terror to his
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spouse and to his kids, always pushing his way.
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That is not the type of masculinity that we're
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talking about, but it gets easily categorized
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in that section. When I mean abdication, I mean
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stepping back or checking out. Now, there could
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be multiple reasons why a man would do this,
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but I think there are examples going back a long
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time ago of men abdicating their place in the
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family, in the community, and just not. doing
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anything meaningful whatsoever. Now, this kind
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of abdication can be something as simple as laziness.
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Laziness is something that grips young men. I
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know that when my wife and I had been married
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for five to 10 years, she worked in the higher
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education space, and we often had conversations
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with newlyweds in college that had a lot of questions,
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and we were in their lives, and they had a lot
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of frustrations in that first year of marriage.
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A lot of them were talking to my wife. A lot
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of them were ladies. And they were frustrated
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that their husbands were playing video games
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all the time and that they weren't helping with
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things around the house. Over time, that was
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frustrating them. They felt like they were more
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their mother than an actual spouse in a partnership,
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in a relationship like that. This is exactly
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what I'm talking about. So this plays into the
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laziness piece, the not taking responsibility
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piece. But I think also the abdication can also
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come from the avenue of trying to keep the peace.
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There was a recent message that I heard. trying
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to delineate the difference between peacekeeping
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and peacemaking. The premise was, from Cody Walker,
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was that peacekeeping is that avoiding conflict,
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that not wanting to cause a rift. And if there's
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something that needs to be said, you don't say
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it because you just don't want to mess anything
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up. And you can imagine situations where that
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would really, really be detrimental to the person
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that might need to hear that information. If
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somebody is headed down a road or path that is
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not in a good direction for their life, you have
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the responsibility to say something, especially
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if they respect you and you care about them.
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But if you don't say anything just to keep the
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peace, you bear some responsibility for what
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happens to them. Now, to contrast that, peacemaking
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is the active art of making peace in a situation.
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And what that means is, when necessary, saying
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what needs to be said. Now, that does not mean
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that you need to be rude about it or disrespectful
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about it. The concept of speaking truth in love
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is something that I strongly believe in. I think
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it's a horrible cop -out when people say, well,
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the truth hurts. That's just how I say things.
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I'm just real and direct. Yes, I understand.
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However, truth and love is a very, very good
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phrase because it juxtaposes the power of truth
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that already will impact someone in an intense
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way if you're willing and brave enough to say
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the truth that you don't need to package it as
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well and kick the horse while it's down in an
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aggressive, horrific way. So I think when men
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abdicate and they step back or check out just
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to be lazy or keep the peace for too long, big
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examples, I think that creates a vacuum where
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responsible men step back and chaos is allowed
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to step in. There's that famous quote that I
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think we all know where all that evil needs to
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progress is for good men to do nothing. Now,
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I think that's pretty powerful. And I'll also
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reference one of my favorite people, Dr. Jordan
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Peterson. who's a polarizing figure, let's face
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it. I hope he's doing well. I know his health
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has not been the greatest as of late, but I think
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there's a reason why his message has had such
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a response from young men across the world. I
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went to see him in Tulsa, Oklahoma at the BOK
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Center, and I will tell you the amount of young
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men that were there dressed suits and three -piece
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suits even, and a lot of them, you know, you're
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just... listening and hearing people talk. You
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could also see how they were dressed that maybe
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it was the first time that they wore something
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like that. Um, maybe they didn't know how to
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tie the ties or things were just put in a way
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where you're like, uh, one of my favorite ways
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to notice is on the, on the back of a suit coat.
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You can see the, uh, the stitches still there.
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You know, they didn't know that those, uh, those
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can be cut. So the, the jacket flaps are open.
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And I could tell the impact that he had had on
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those young men. And they said, no, I need to
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get my life together. I need to take responsibility
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for my life and for the people in my life and
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to do something and be something meaningful.
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How is that bad? How is that toxic? This is the
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kind of thing that I'm talking about. So he says
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a lot in his content that men do need to be responsible.
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and argues that strong men can be the immune
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system to a failing culture, not the virus that
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caused it in the first place. Do you believe
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that? Is it possible that this is true? It's
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very thought -provoking. Now, when I reflect
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back on my own past, I can identify places where
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I can see the truth of these things come to life.
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When I was first married, I've shared before
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that I wasn't the leader in my marriage that
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I should or could have been. And because my wife's
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a type A, it was pretty easy for me to, yeah,
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be lazy. And it wasn't about conflict avoidance,
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at least in my marriage. It was more just, she's
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making the choices, she's calling the shots,
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why do I need to do anything? And it was really
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just easy. to not lead, to not have an opinion.
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But like she said in the episode that we talked
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about that, that isn't very engaging. I don't
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think that's something that a lot of people think
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or talk about, both men or women. I don't hear
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a lot of women say that they want a partner that
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is engaging and interesting. And with that comes
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conflict and disagreement and toiling that whole
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thing of like, that a helpmate means a sparring
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partner. That doesn't really sound like a punching
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bag to me, right? And so how do you engage your
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spouse in that way? And I realized about five
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to six years in, I was abdicating some of that
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responsibility. I hadn't heard of Jordan Peterson
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or anything like that. I just had really good
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mentors in my life. I saw how they were amazing
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spouses. particularly ones that were more passive
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personality types, they were still incredible
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leaders at home. And their wives had such tremendous
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respect for them because they were cherished
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and taken care of. And they were also engaged
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in very interesting ways. And this was a great
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role model for me. This really illustrated...
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early on in my relationship that leadership has
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important aspects for men that defies just personality
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types. I think a lot of people categorize themselves
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and pigeonhole themselves out of leadership because
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they may not be a type A or they may not be a
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super charismatic person. I loved reading Jim
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Collins' book, Good to Great, because so many
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of the CEOs that he talked about in those great
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companies were not These giant charismatic CEO
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types, which gave me a lot of hope and really
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pulled me in to kind of trying to figuring out
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who these guys were, especially the Kimberly
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Clark CEO. I don't remember his name, but I remember
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he was described as this very meek and mild leader,
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but people would. would follow him to the ends
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of the earth, which I just found like a really
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good role model. And then it makes me think of
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the culture as a whole. I think right now, a
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lot of times, there's just a lot of pointing
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fingers at who's the problem and who did what
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wrong and who's contributing to all the issues.
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And there's not as much taking responsibility
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for, yep, this is my part. This is my issue.
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I caused this. I contributed to this. And here's
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what I'm going to do to fix that. And I think
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that if there are more people that are willing
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to be humble enough. to do that and to take that
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up. And that could be an interestingly powerful
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thing. Now, additionally, in my own life, there
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are also instances that I can think of where
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there were moments where I knew the truth someone
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needed to hear. I'm a very analytical person
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on the Myers -Briggs. I am an INFJ, which is
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1 % of the population. I often feel pretty misunderstood.
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I have difficulty articulating the things that
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I want to say because In my head, they're difficult
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to apply words to. And so sometimes words are
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inadequate. When I do use them, they can get
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me in interesting situations because I'm not
00:14:19.870 --> 00:14:23.669
quite able to describe what I want to say. With
00:14:23.669 --> 00:14:26.870
that comes the burden of really analyzing almost
00:14:26.870 --> 00:14:29.429
everything. And a lot of times I'll look at somebody
00:14:29.429 --> 00:14:31.870
and I have something very beneficial that I could
00:14:31.870 --> 00:14:33.929
offer them. But I haven't figured out a way to
00:14:33.929 --> 00:14:37.000
share that through mind reading quite yet. So
00:14:37.000 --> 00:14:40.820
it always bears the burden of having to say something
00:14:40.820 --> 00:14:44.500
to that person. And so since my personality is
00:14:44.500 --> 00:14:48.580
naturally inclined to avoid conflict out of the
00:14:48.580 --> 00:14:51.360
box, there's been a lot of times in my life where
00:14:51.360 --> 00:14:53.899
I know that there is something that someone would
00:14:53.899 --> 00:14:56.820
benefit from hearing, and I'm ashamed to say
00:14:56.820 --> 00:15:01.740
I didn't say it. And so in those moments, you
00:15:01.740 --> 00:15:06.220
can see how they might continue on the path that
00:15:06.220 --> 00:15:09.159
you could have helped them bring awareness to.
00:15:09.480 --> 00:15:11.840
And again, like I said earlier, that responsibility
00:15:11.840 --> 00:15:14.799
bears weight. And when you feel that over and
00:15:14.799 --> 00:15:17.279
over, you start to realize, hold on a second,
00:15:17.340 --> 00:15:20.379
I have a role to play here and I can make the
00:15:20.379 --> 00:15:23.029
world a better place by... saying something,
00:15:23.110 --> 00:15:25.909
which requires strength and care for others.
00:15:26.090 --> 00:15:28.049
So what was the cost? What was the cost of those
00:15:28.049 --> 00:15:30.750
times in my life where I did nothing, right?
00:15:30.830 --> 00:15:32.750
When I was that good person that did nothing
00:15:32.750 --> 00:15:35.070
and things that weren't that great were allowed
00:15:35.070 --> 00:15:38.490
to continue. The problems got bigger. The person
00:15:38.490 --> 00:15:41.370
could have potentially depreciated in that aspect.
00:15:41.710 --> 00:15:44.470
There are times where, particularly as a boss
00:15:44.470 --> 00:15:47.590
or a leader, there are people that you witness
00:15:47.590 --> 00:15:51.539
that aren't maybe doing the greatest job. I'll
00:15:51.539 --> 00:15:55.159
actually tie this to a book, Unreasonable Hospitality
00:15:55.159 --> 00:15:57.419
by Will Gadara. It's one of my favorite books.
00:15:57.559 --> 00:16:01.039
And Will Gadara is a restaurateur that brought
00:16:01.039 --> 00:16:03.940
11 Madison Park in New York to the number one
00:16:03.940 --> 00:16:06.799
best restaurant in the world. Now, that wasn't
00:16:06.799 --> 00:16:09.600
very fast. It took many years to do so. And this
00:16:09.600 --> 00:16:11.799
book is about the journey of how they accomplished
00:16:11.799 --> 00:16:13.960
that. One of the stories in that book that we
00:16:13.960 --> 00:16:18.059
reference as a management team often is The Wrinkled
00:16:18.059 --> 00:16:20.159
Shirt Story. Now, if you read this book, you
00:16:20.159 --> 00:16:22.039
know exactly what I'm talking about. And it's
00:16:22.039 --> 00:16:26.139
the employee that came to work to the restaurant
00:16:26.139 --> 00:16:29.799
with a wrinkled shirt. And the bosses would see
00:16:29.799 --> 00:16:32.519
it and get frustrated that that person wasn't
00:16:32.519 --> 00:16:34.679
ironing their shirt. But they wouldn't say anything,
00:16:34.899 --> 00:16:37.759
which is crazy, right? But it's so easy to do.
00:16:38.110 --> 00:16:40.129
You just avoid it. You got to work. It's whatever.
00:16:40.590 --> 00:16:44.850
And maybe you almost always use the rule of positive
00:16:44.850 --> 00:16:47.629
intent for an incorrect reason. You're like,
00:16:47.690 --> 00:16:50.470
well, you know, you give them the benefit of
00:16:50.470 --> 00:16:52.610
the doubt in the bad way so that you don't engage
00:16:52.610 --> 00:16:54.789
them. So maybe the thought is, well, maybe he
00:16:54.789 --> 00:16:57.370
was rushed to work and he couldn't iron his shirt.
00:16:57.429 --> 00:16:59.730
He'll probably do it tomorrow, obviously. And
00:16:59.730 --> 00:17:02.669
the day comes and goes. And the next day, it's
00:17:02.669 --> 00:17:05.210
a wrinkled shirt. So what do you do then? Do
00:17:05.210 --> 00:17:08.359
you say something? Well, you don't. And then
00:17:08.359 --> 00:17:10.779
it goes on and on for weeks. And he said the
00:17:10.779 --> 00:17:12.819
manager's frustration level is just going to
00:17:12.819 --> 00:17:16.140
continue to build and build until... If you finally
00:17:16.140 --> 00:17:18.839
say something to that person, it is so loaded
00:17:18.839 --> 00:17:21.660
with emotion that is not helpful to that person
00:17:21.660 --> 00:17:24.019
at all. You're definitely going to depreciate
00:17:24.019 --> 00:17:26.039
them in that conversation. And to be honest,
00:17:26.119 --> 00:17:28.559
they're not going to understand why you're so
00:17:28.559 --> 00:17:31.779
amped up. And that boils down to it's your fault
00:17:31.779 --> 00:17:34.000
because you didn't tell them that their shirt
00:17:34.000 --> 00:17:36.380
was wrinkled to begin with. So he gives the example
00:17:36.380 --> 00:17:39.359
later in the book where if you notice somebody's
00:17:39.359 --> 00:17:41.900
not doing something right, go up to them, put
00:17:41.900 --> 00:17:43.980
your arm around them and say, hey. Here's what
00:17:43.980 --> 00:17:46.420
I noticed. Let's work on it. Let's do this together.
00:17:46.640 --> 00:17:48.440
Something like that, especially the first time.
00:17:48.440 --> 00:17:50.200
The first time you notice something and you say
00:17:50.200 --> 00:17:52.119
something, you need to make sure that you're
00:17:52.119 --> 00:17:54.279
approaching it, like I said earlier, in a respectful,
00:17:54.400 --> 00:17:57.559
kind, and helpful way. And then the more it goes
00:17:57.559 --> 00:18:00.170
on after you've said something, you have that
00:18:00.170 --> 00:18:02.549
conversation to reference back to. So it's easier
00:18:02.549 --> 00:18:05.809
to mention and also can carry more weight the
00:18:05.809 --> 00:18:08.190
second, third, and God forbid, fourth time. You're
00:18:08.190 --> 00:18:10.069
like, hey, we've talked about this. Like we need
00:18:10.069 --> 00:18:12.750
to get this dialed in. It's so much easier. And
00:18:12.750 --> 00:18:16.289
it's way better than three weeks of not saying
00:18:16.289 --> 00:18:18.710
anything and just blowing up. Now think of both
00:18:18.710 --> 00:18:21.230
of those stories in that book. Think of how that
00:18:21.230 --> 00:18:24.250
employee with the wrinkled shirt approaches both
00:18:24.250 --> 00:18:27.640
of those responses, right? And so... That's a
00:18:27.640 --> 00:18:30.859
real reality of appreciation or depreciation.
00:18:31.140 --> 00:18:33.599
That single employee, we've all had them where
00:18:33.599 --> 00:18:37.059
they don't live up to our expectations. And sometimes
00:18:37.059 --> 00:18:39.119
the culture just, oh, well, that's just that
00:18:39.119 --> 00:18:41.259
person. They don't ever do anything right. They're
00:18:41.259 --> 00:18:43.640
a slob. They don't, you know, whatever. I think
00:18:43.640 --> 00:18:45.839
we've all had an example that we can call to
00:18:45.839 --> 00:18:48.759
where, you know, that guy just never, I don't
00:18:48.759 --> 00:18:51.680
even think he knows what an iron is, right? we're
00:18:51.680 --> 00:18:53.640
just making fun of that person and it's just
00:18:53.640 --> 00:18:55.700
not, how is that, even if they don't hear the
00:18:55.700 --> 00:18:57.740
words that you, maybe you don't even say them
00:18:57.740 --> 00:18:59.759
out loud, maybe it's just what you think, those
00:18:59.759 --> 00:19:01.799
things are gonna come out in your body language,
00:19:01.920 --> 00:19:04.099
how you treat that person. One of the things
00:19:04.099 --> 00:19:07.240
that I teach leaders is when you have the feeling
00:19:07.240 --> 00:19:10.880
that you wanna lean away from an employee in
00:19:10.880 --> 00:19:13.640
whatever way that feels like, lean away from
00:19:13.640 --> 00:19:16.039
a conversation, lean away from them physically
00:19:16.039 --> 00:19:18.900
or avoiding them in the hallway, anytime that
00:19:18.900 --> 00:19:21.910
you feel that as a leader, That is your cue to
00:19:21.910 --> 00:19:24.869
lean in, that it's time for you to engage that
00:19:24.869 --> 00:19:28.269
person. Maybe even just, if there's not a particular
00:19:28.269 --> 00:19:31.069
conversation that you need to have, maybe it's
00:19:31.069 --> 00:19:34.269
just showing that person attention, saying hi,
00:19:34.509 --> 00:19:36.450
and letting them know that they're seen. All
00:19:36.450 --> 00:19:39.630
of those things can be ways that you can appreciate
00:19:39.630 --> 00:19:42.230
that employee. So the lesson here is, of course,
00:19:42.250 --> 00:19:45.170
it's easier to be nice in the moment, but it's
00:19:45.170 --> 00:19:47.970
always definitely harder in the long run, like
00:19:47.970 --> 00:19:51.220
in the book example with Will Goddara. So going
00:19:51.220 --> 00:19:54.319
on, what is the distinction here? Because this
00:19:54.319 --> 00:19:57.440
starts to be categorized in the red pill arena
00:19:57.440 --> 00:20:00.900
real fast, obviously. I'm sure there's plenty
00:20:00.900 --> 00:20:02.839
of people who have already put me in that category.
00:20:03.019 --> 00:20:08.140
So how do we optimize how to be a man of strength?
00:20:08.799 --> 00:20:11.519
That is what we all should aspire to be. Like
00:20:11.519 --> 00:20:15.640
I said earlier, this is a far cry from what the
00:20:15.640 --> 00:20:19.279
young men fall into online in the red pill anger
00:20:19.279 --> 00:20:23.599
or domination idea. This is not the view of responsibility
00:20:23.599 --> 00:20:26.059
that I'm talking about. Neither of those two
00:20:26.059 --> 00:20:29.359
things are responsible in any way. So I would
00:20:29.359 --> 00:20:32.619
draw the distinction like this. Red pill focus
00:20:32.619 --> 00:20:37.250
is boiled down to what can I get? Whether it
00:20:37.250 --> 00:20:40.390
be status, money, submission, what can I get
00:20:40.390 --> 00:20:43.890
from people to get what I want? Versus what we're
00:20:43.890 --> 00:20:47.529
talking about on what can I give to others? Whether
00:20:47.529 --> 00:20:51.670
it be protection, clarity, provision, joy, feedback.
00:20:51.789 --> 00:20:54.309
This is what servant leadership is all about.
00:20:54.730 --> 00:20:58.170
Trying to find ways that you can give to others
00:20:58.170 --> 00:21:01.119
and build them up. appreciation. Now, Jordan
00:21:01.119 --> 00:21:04.420
talks about this in the idea of service through
00:21:04.420 --> 00:21:08.019
strength. And again, I've touched on this very
00:21:08.019 --> 00:21:10.180
lightly in past episodes, but he talks about
00:21:10.180 --> 00:21:14.380
this as men that are monsters, that are under
00:21:14.380 --> 00:21:20.180
control, and that that is what he considers as
00:21:20.180 --> 00:21:24.099
apex attraction in a man. I don't know if you'd
00:21:24.099 --> 00:21:25.880
go that far, but it's an interesting thought
00:21:25.880 --> 00:21:28.930
-provoking idea. And again, In the conversation
00:21:28.930 --> 00:21:31.369
with my wife recently, I talked about the Aslan
00:21:31.369 --> 00:21:33.910
example in Chronicles of Narnia, where Beaver
00:21:33.910 --> 00:21:36.410
asks, you know, a lion, that's intense. Is he
00:21:36.410 --> 00:21:39.250
safe? And they said, safe. He's a lion. No, but
00:21:39.250 --> 00:21:42.109
he's good. And so that illustrates that example
00:21:42.109 --> 00:21:45.289
of a monster under control, someone you can trust,
00:21:45.329 --> 00:21:49.130
but someone that's capable of great and terrible
00:21:49.130 --> 00:21:52.549
things. but won't do terrible things because
00:21:52.549 --> 00:21:55.809
they are trustworthy. That's a super powerful
00:21:55.809 --> 00:21:58.190
idea. That's something I think all of us need
00:21:58.190 --> 00:22:00.690
to wrestle with. I think if you're listening
00:22:00.690 --> 00:22:03.569
to this and maybe you realize that you've checked
00:22:03.569 --> 00:22:06.750
out, you know, what comes to your mind right
00:22:06.750 --> 00:22:08.829
now? What is an area in your life that maybe
00:22:08.829 --> 00:22:12.269
you are doing less than you know you can do?
00:22:12.490 --> 00:22:15.009
That's a common question for mentors to ask.
00:22:15.210 --> 00:22:18.700
What could you do today that if you did it, could
00:22:18.700 --> 00:22:22.099
have the biggest impact into tomorrow? Or is
00:22:22.099 --> 00:22:24.740
there an area in your life that you know you
00:22:24.740 --> 00:22:28.359
could be doing more, but you're not? And what
00:22:28.359 --> 00:22:31.640
could happen if you did just a little bit more?
00:22:32.059 --> 00:22:35.039
That's a super powerful question. The biggest
00:22:35.039 --> 00:22:38.880
areas are in marriage, with your kids, or in
00:22:38.880 --> 00:22:41.480
business. So what's the first thing you should
00:22:41.480 --> 00:22:44.799
do tomorrow? That's a really good question. You
00:22:44.799 --> 00:22:47.940
know, I love back at work. I have had... a lot
00:22:47.940 --> 00:22:50.339
of growth with the management team I've been
00:22:50.339 --> 00:22:53.799
on. We've hired such an amazing amount of mentors
00:22:53.799 --> 00:22:56.880
over the years and they have taught us so much.
00:22:57.019 --> 00:22:59.200
And one of the biggest joys that I've had is
00:22:59.200 --> 00:23:02.500
seeing my colleagues who have small children
00:23:02.500 --> 00:23:05.819
and most of them, I'll say four to five years
00:23:05.819 --> 00:23:09.000
ago, we had a mentor that had us share a 20,
00:23:09.019 --> 00:23:11.380
30 minute, it might not have been that long,
00:23:11.440 --> 00:23:15.420
maybe 15 to 20 minute summary of all of our childhoods.
00:23:15.640 --> 00:23:18.859
I think I only remember one or two people who
00:23:18.859 --> 00:23:21.759
had what you would describe as a good childhood,
00:23:21.900 --> 00:23:26.339
and everybody else had absolutely horrific experiences
00:23:26.339 --> 00:23:30.079
with their parents, in home, out of home. It
00:23:30.079 --> 00:23:32.640
was crazy. And what was super incredible was
00:23:32.640 --> 00:23:36.099
how far we had all come from those experiences,
00:23:36.319 --> 00:23:39.660
which is amazing. But the biggest part out of
00:23:39.660 --> 00:23:43.279
all that is to see how they all evolved over
00:23:43.279 --> 00:23:46.519
the last five years as parents. Now, I tell you,
00:23:46.539 --> 00:23:48.980
I don't have any kids. I just have my marriage
00:23:48.980 --> 00:23:51.920
and my work and my entrepreneurial things. But
00:23:51.920 --> 00:23:55.500
it's been amazing to see my colleagues really
00:23:55.500 --> 00:23:59.079
dive into their kids' lives, recognize the areas
00:23:59.079 --> 00:24:03.059
that they saw major deficiency and areas where
00:24:03.059 --> 00:24:06.680
they are currently. and have past healing experience
00:24:06.680 --> 00:24:10.680
with their childhood unmet needs and are unwilling
00:24:10.680 --> 00:24:13.079
to repeat those patterns. So, you know, you hear
00:24:13.079 --> 00:24:15.859
the concept of breaking those chains and so many
00:24:15.859 --> 00:24:18.000
of them have done that. It has just been amazing
00:24:18.000 --> 00:24:21.539
to hear those stories and they're so in tune
00:24:21.539 --> 00:24:24.079
with it. They recognize those moments now and
00:24:24.079 --> 00:24:26.720
it's almost like in our vernacular at work when
00:24:26.720 --> 00:24:28.759
we talk about it. And even just this week, we
00:24:28.759 --> 00:24:32.000
were doing some reflection on 2025 and a lot
00:24:32.000 --> 00:24:34.670
of the managers. just described with their young
00:24:34.670 --> 00:24:38.069
kids, how they were, one example was super powerful
00:24:38.069 --> 00:24:40.910
where he said, I started this practice. I'm not
00:24:40.910 --> 00:24:42.710
telling you, you guys need to do it. But anytime
00:24:42.710 --> 00:24:44.809
my son walked in the room, his son's in high
00:24:44.809 --> 00:24:46.930
school and he's like, I, I'm just going to put
00:24:46.930 --> 00:24:48.930
my, I just started putting my phone down. And
00:24:48.930 --> 00:24:51.369
he just, he's like, I could tell it just made
00:24:51.369 --> 00:24:54.369
him feel seen even more. And I realized my phone
00:24:54.369 --> 00:24:57.730
is going to be here after the. 5, 10, 15 minutes
00:24:57.730 --> 00:25:00.430
that he says whatever he needs to say and it's
00:25:00.430 --> 00:25:02.829
done. And even if it's more than that and we're
00:25:02.829 --> 00:25:05.380
just hanging out. That is such valuable time
00:25:05.380 --> 00:25:08.440
that, again, you'll never get back if you squander
00:25:08.440 --> 00:25:11.220
it. And so, again, those are just such incredible
00:25:11.220 --> 00:25:13.779
moments, and I want those moments for you if
00:25:13.779 --> 00:25:16.000
that's something you realize is an area of opportunity
00:25:16.000 --> 00:25:19.460
for you. So my challenge to you is pick one person
00:25:19.460 --> 00:25:22.819
or area where maybe value has dropped over the
00:25:22.819 --> 00:25:25.759
years, or, you know, let's admit it. Maybe, like
00:25:25.759 --> 00:25:28.299
in my marriage, areas where you recognize that
00:25:28.299 --> 00:25:30.869
the value hasn't dropped. It just hasn't been
00:25:30.869 --> 00:25:33.809
to the level where you know it can be. Remember,
00:25:33.890 --> 00:25:36.230
we're not about perfectionism here. We're more
00:25:36.230 --> 00:25:39.789
about progress in excellence, not fear of failure,
00:25:39.890 --> 00:25:42.569
but just wanting to get better every single day.
00:25:42.730 --> 00:25:44.809
So what is that one person or area? Think about
00:25:44.809 --> 00:25:47.509
that. I want you to write it down and start tomorrow,
00:25:47.730 --> 00:25:49.890
whether that's getting your spouse some flowers,
00:25:50.049 --> 00:25:52.069
whether that's putting your phone down when your
00:25:52.069 --> 00:25:54.009
kids wanna talk to you. You know, when your kids
00:25:54.009 --> 00:25:56.589
are at that age, daddy, mommy, watch me. You're
00:25:56.589 --> 00:25:59.269
like. It is not always going to be in the most
00:25:59.269 --> 00:26:01.490
convenient times. In fact, I think they wait
00:26:01.490 --> 00:26:03.849
till the most inconvenient times to challenge
00:26:03.849 --> 00:26:07.210
you to see what is most important in your life,
00:26:07.269 --> 00:26:09.890
you or whatever you're doing or them, right?
00:26:10.049 --> 00:26:13.130
So we want to consistently place a high value
00:26:13.130 --> 00:26:17.609
on these people or these places, right, in your
00:26:17.609 --> 00:26:21.470
life. And when you do that this week, I think
00:26:21.470 --> 00:26:25.369
you'll see some pretty quick feedback. to watch
00:26:25.369 --> 00:26:28.670
them rise to it. The author of the book Maximizing
00:26:28.670 --> 00:26:31.269
Manhood I mentioned earliest, they told a story
00:26:31.269 --> 00:26:33.369
of a husband and wife that came with their daughter
00:26:33.369 --> 00:26:36.750
to a conference. He noticed the daughter was
00:26:36.750 --> 00:26:40.289
very, very unengaged and did not have a great
00:26:40.289 --> 00:26:43.130
relationship with the parents, especially her
00:26:43.130 --> 00:26:46.779
father. With a little bit of digging, He realized
00:26:46.779 --> 00:26:49.720
that the father was never willing to listen to
00:26:49.720 --> 00:26:53.200
his daughter. And she knew that she confided
00:26:53.200 --> 00:26:56.460
in this author that anytime that she tries to
00:26:56.460 --> 00:26:58.940
talk about anything, her dad always has an opinion.
00:26:59.059 --> 00:27:02.000
He won't hear out and he will just dominate the
00:27:02.000 --> 00:27:05.019
conversation, give her his opinion or decree.
00:27:05.279 --> 00:27:08.839
And she never felt like he was interested in
00:27:08.839 --> 00:27:11.819
her and really felt depreciated in the relationship
00:27:11.819 --> 00:27:14.480
itself. They said, well, can you fix our daughter?
00:27:14.599 --> 00:27:17.039
And he says, well, actually, I have a challenge
00:27:17.039 --> 00:27:19.359
for you, sir, if you're willing to take it. So
00:27:19.359 --> 00:27:21.240
I need you to agree to it before I tell you.
00:27:21.319 --> 00:27:23.039
The guy was really uncomfortable with that because
00:27:23.039 --> 00:27:24.740
you could tell he had some control issues. And
00:27:24.740 --> 00:27:26.980
he finally decided, you know, my household is
00:27:26.980 --> 00:27:28.900
important to me. So yes, I will. And he goes,
00:27:28.960 --> 00:27:31.500
perfect. I need you to agree to listening to
00:27:31.500 --> 00:27:34.359
your daughter. And for 30 days, you have to commit
00:27:34.359 --> 00:27:38.079
to not saying anything to her in response. So
00:27:38.079 --> 00:27:40.660
I need you to just let her talk and don't say
00:27:40.660 --> 00:27:42.650
anything. Yeah, he was honest. He was like, I
00:27:42.650 --> 00:27:44.849
honestly don't think I can do that. She says
00:27:44.849 --> 00:27:46.950
some pretty dumb stuff, some ridiculous stuff,
00:27:47.069 --> 00:27:48.809
and I don't think I can do that. He goes, well,
00:27:48.910 --> 00:27:51.150
that's the commitment. 30 days. She says, whatever.
00:27:51.390 --> 00:27:53.470
You're not allowed to fix it, give your opinion,
00:27:53.849 --> 00:27:57.450
reframe anything, nothing. Listen, shut up. Don't
00:27:57.450 --> 00:28:02.069
say anything. He said, okay. So he saw them about
00:28:02.069 --> 00:28:04.650
a month later, and they were a totally different
00:28:04.650 --> 00:28:07.960
family. The young daughter was smiling and beaming
00:28:07.960 --> 00:28:11.000
from ear to ear. And they were in just in close
00:28:11.000 --> 00:28:13.960
physical proximity. And he was like, man, how
00:28:13.960 --> 00:28:16.339
did, how did it go? And the dad said, you know,
00:28:16.359 --> 00:28:18.440
that was one of the hardest things I've ever
00:28:18.440 --> 00:28:21.559
done, but. Honestly, we made it like three days
00:28:21.559 --> 00:28:24.240
and she had nothing left to say because she finally
00:28:24.240 --> 00:28:27.079
felt like I had heard her and she felt super
00:28:27.079 --> 00:28:30.039
valued and all the tension was gone. It was just
00:28:30.039 --> 00:28:32.400
that crazy. So that's what I'm saying. I think
00:28:32.400 --> 00:28:35.619
if you implement these things and you start to
00:28:35.619 --> 00:28:37.859
do things with intentionality, like we talk about
00:28:37.859 --> 00:28:40.559
so often, if you get curious about fun ways,
00:28:40.740 --> 00:28:42.559
I mean, you can even chat with AI. Hey, this
00:28:42.559 --> 00:28:44.599
is my relationship with my spouse, with my kid,
00:28:44.660 --> 00:28:47.480
with my whatever. Can you help me think of? five
00:28:47.480 --> 00:28:49.720
random ways where I can show them appreciation.
00:28:50.299 --> 00:28:53.359
Or you could say, ask me five questions that
00:28:53.359 --> 00:28:55.839
you need to know about our relationship to help
00:28:55.839 --> 00:28:59.259
me personalize ways of appreciating them a little
00:28:59.259 --> 00:29:01.559
bit more. That way you can get some answers that
00:29:01.559 --> 00:29:03.960
are a bit more specific to your situation or
00:29:03.960 --> 00:29:06.700
your relationships. And I'm telling you, I think
00:29:06.700 --> 00:29:10.019
you will see in a ridiculously short time, you
00:29:10.019 --> 00:29:12.279
know, so many of the things we talk about. They
00:29:12.279 --> 00:29:15.559
have long -term implications. Do this for 60
00:29:15.559 --> 00:29:18.000
days, 90 days, and you'll see a change. Well,
00:29:18.180 --> 00:29:21.019
today is different. You can do something in just
00:29:21.019 --> 00:29:23.819
a week with intentionality and you can watch
00:29:23.819 --> 00:29:26.900
someone absolutely blossom. Wouldn't that be
00:29:26.900 --> 00:29:30.200
great? This is the exact thing that speaks into
00:29:30.200 --> 00:29:33.160
the daily anything changes everything. So I hope
00:29:33.160 --> 00:29:35.119
you're able to think of some creative ways that
00:29:35.119 --> 00:29:37.599
you can do that. I really appreciate you. Thank
00:29:37.599 --> 00:29:39.839
you so much for listening to the Optimizing Beyond
00:29:39.839 --> 00:29:42.630
podcast. Now remember, Growth happens when you
00:29:42.630 --> 00:29:44.970
take action. So share this with a friend, subscribe,
00:29:45.309 --> 00:29:47.970
and most importantly, take what you learned into
00:29:47.970 --> 00:29:50.890
practice. And until next time, keep moving forward
00:29:50.890 --> 00:29:53.829
because daily anything changes everything.