WEBVTT
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Chemsex.
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Sexualized drug use among men who have sex with men, typically involving methamphetamine, methadrone, and GHB, among others.
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Chemsex misuse is a worldwide epidemic that needs attention, dialogue, and hope for those lost in it, which is the purpose of the Aftermath Podcast.
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Please note the views expressed by the host and guest on this podcast are not to be taken as medical advice, and the content around sex and drug use can be triggering.
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Alright, welcome back to the Aftermath Podcast.
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In this solo episode, don't forget there is a supplemental study guide that goes along with this episode.
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The link will be in the show notes.
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Please remember to like, subscribe, and rate the podcast so we can get the algorithm to place it into the ears and eyes of those who need it.
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I say the same thing every week.
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You'd think I would have it down pat, but I don't.
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Anyway, so talking today, this has actually been one of my one of my favorite uh podcasts to put together and study guide.
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The study guide is basically sometimes it's going to be word for word what I say, sometimes it isn't.
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Um just depends on what kind of mood I'm in.
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But uh take a look at it anyway.
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One of the first clients that I had was what I called a flight risk.
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That's what I call some of my clients now.
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They're the ones that have to be monitored constantly because they're always looking for a little slight opening to use, right?
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They're just here once, one day gone the next minute.
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It's it's almost like I think of like this indoor cat, you know, watching the door to be left open just a little longer than normal when it darts out.
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Right.
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That's very two different analogies, but you get the point, I hope.
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Anyway, this guy, this was early on, and I didn't have a program at all.
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It was just me and him, you know, but he would get a craving late at night, and knowing his phone was locked down, so he couldn't access Grinder or any of the other drug dealing apps, he would journey to Walmart to buy a track phone or tablet, and you know the rest.
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So the situation really tested me early on because it felt like he literally needed to be handcuffed and kept in a padded room every night.
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Um, but here's the thing is I didn't know at that time that that was very common in in our in early chemsex recovery.
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I didn't personally face that because I was in drug court and I was being drug tested three or four times a week.
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So I basically had to be.
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You know, I no matter what I was feeling at night, like it was either stay put, stay by ass put in bed, or go to prison.
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So the option, the choices were pretty easy for me.
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But you know, this is all tied to that midbrain, that euphoric recall.
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The prefrontal cortex shuts down, like when we're tired or we're hungry or we're horny.
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The midbrain takes over and it wants that dopamine.
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So we are then sleepwalking.
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We're sleepwalking our way to the chem party.
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You know, we sleepwalk our way to Walmart, we're there.
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Um, I didn't have a lot of compassion for him, to be honest with you.
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And um it's a learning experience for me and probably him.
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But I remember back then and thinking, and I've said it to him, and I've said it more recently.
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If you are going through all of that, if you're getting in your car and going to Walmart, you don't want it bad enough.
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And I even think that I said that on a podcast here.
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Um it was, I think the one where Bobby and I were talking about the um pitfalls, Kim Sex Recovery Pitfalls.
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I did say that.
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Um, which look, it's horribly, it can be horribly shaming to say that um and counterintuitive to what I'm trying to do here.
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Um and it's not really becoming of a coach.
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And look, in some cases, it is actually true.
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There are some times I've said it when I don't regret it.
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Um and it can be true at times, but still nothing saying that to a client is not going to help.
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I I get that now.
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So but what I've come to realize and how I approach this now with clients is less about how bad they want to be meth-free and more about how willing they are to do what it takes to be meth-free.
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Those are very different approaches.
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Because there's one thing I do know, and that is that given the world we live in today, the ease of access to meth, methadrome, GHB, one must be willing to do the hard work, the difficult work, the uncomfortable work.
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It does not come free.
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How bad you want to get rid of the substance is actually irrelevant because how bad you want to stop fluctuates.
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How willing are you to do what it takes?
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And that's what we're going to go over today.
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All right.
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So, more often than not in my program, my clients come to me, they are high functioning, and they're often affluent gay men, at least, you know, affluent enough to pay for a coaching program.
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They still have a job, they're still holding everything together.
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Often they've tried many other routes to becoming math-free, and often they've heard what I'm going to tell them first from the other places.
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But they're really hoping I'm going to say something different than the treatment centers and the counselors and the therapists.
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But listen, whether my program is different, if it's shame-free, empowering individuals, all of that.
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The fact remains the damn phone must be dealt with full stop.
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No matter what route you take, the phone must be dealt with.
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But that's not what we're talking about today.
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So, but my client, a lot of clients will say, Well, I can't delete the apps.
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I can't change my phone number.
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He can't stop talking to this one guy.
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You know, he says, Well, the group time doesn't work for me.
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The accountability feels like a lot here.
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I don't want to be monitored this much.
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The group chat's overwhelming.
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I'm going to start the practice maybe next week when it when I have more time or I feel better.
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Look, the instant urge in me is to say, look, buddy, how bad do you want this?
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And I used to say that actually.
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And sometimes, again, sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't work.
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It doesn't matter because it wasn't really the best approach.
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But I and I was not trying to shame him or anyone.
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I want to be clear about that.
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I was trying to reconnect him with his reason, with his why.
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I wanted him to remember the version of himself who called me the first time, who when we met in our sales call and he was desperate to change, right?
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The one who was done and the one who really meant it.
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And sometimes when I said how bad you want it, it would work temporarily.
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He would begin to nod.
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He would look down and get quiet.
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You know, sometimes he'd tear up.
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He'd leave the conversation with this like new resolve.
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Two weeks later, we'd be having the same conversation.
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I've had that same conversation hundreds of times.
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Hell, I've had it with myself.
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How bad do you want this, right?
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I have been asking the wrong question.
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And you might be asking the wrong question too.
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Everybody wants it.
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Look, nobody comes to me, and you're not listening to this because you want to keep using.
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Unless you're you want to taper off for manager use, but the ultimate goal is abstinence, right?
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Not one man in my program not ever says, I just want to keep using, right?
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I he wants to stop.
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The man, and listen, the man who relapsed on Saturday wanted out just as badly as the man who didn't.
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There's no difference in the wanting to stop.
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Neither was less motivated.
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Neither was less sincere.
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Okay?
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But one was willing to do what it takes.
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So think about your own 4 a.m., right?
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The promise you made to yourself while you were still coming down, that apology text you sent at 6 a.m.
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And you meant it with your whole chest.
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The prayer that nobody heard.
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The vow you made while your jaw is still clenched, your tongue's still raw and sore.
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This was going to be the last one.
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I am done.
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I want it so bad.
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Tomorrow is going to be different.
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All of that is wanting.
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And it is real and it is sincere.
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You are not lying.
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And it changed virtually nothing often.
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Every man I work with has an unlimited supply of want.
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The desire is not the question, the desire is really just the beginning.
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What was actually missing here is like look at this wanting and willingness are two different systems.
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And we use the words pretty interchangeably.
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But wanting lives in the future, right?
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In its vague place where emotions live.
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They come, they go, they're strong, they're weak.
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Willingness lives in the next ten minutes of action.
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Wanting costs you nothing.
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But willingness costs you something every time.
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Again, you can get meth free for free.
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It's going to cost you something.
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Wanting is a feeling that arrives all on its own.
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Willingness is a behavior that you produce on purpose through your action.
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So here's some clinical backdrop here, and then I'll I'll I'll leave it.
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There's a whole body of research and motivational interviewing that's going to separate what a person says into two buckets.
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The first bucket, desire, ability, reasons, like need.
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I want to, I could, I should, I have to.
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That's that's all in the head.
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These are all the cognitive reasons why.
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Researchers, they're going to call that preparatory talk, right?
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But the second bucket is commitment, activation.
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It's taking actual steps.
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I will, I am, I did.
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You can live in that first bucket for a decade.
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I know I should, but am I doing it?
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Across hundreds of studies, how badly a person intends to do something explains about 28% of whether they actually do it and follow through.
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That's called the intention behavior gap, right?
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This is very close to the the discussion we have about knowing and doing.
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So 28%, which means about three-quarters of your recovery is happening somewhere other than your wanting.
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Wanting only gets you part way.
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The gap is where many of you live, and that's where I live in some aspects of my life.
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Willingness is not wanting.
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You can be completely willing to do something, and you have no desire to do it.
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Most of the important things are like that.
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I don't have a desire to put away my pornography or my whatever, but I'm willing to do it.
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Willingness is not conditional.
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I'll do it when it gets easier.
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That's not willingness.
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That's negotiation.
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That's that negotiation stage of the grieving process we've talked about.
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Willingness is not trying.
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Trying is a word that you reach for when you've already decided the outcome is not even your responsibility, or it may or may not happen.
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Like, I'm trying to quit.
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Willingness is not a feeling.
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Willingness is an action.
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What unwillingness, unwillingness sounds like.
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Now listen, one of my guys, so six weeks in, I guess, probably doing well, he tells me he's ready.
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He's serious this time, he wants his life back.
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So ask him about the apps.
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I couldn't find that in your Apple Music Live.
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Yeah, I delete a grinder.
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Or ask for your mu Okay.
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What else is on your phone?
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Pause.
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I mean Sniffy's is on there, but that's not the same thing.
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Okay, tell me how it's different.
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Longer pause.
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It's just like browsing.
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Okay.
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Here's the thing.
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He's not lying, right?
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He was not being defiant.
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He was not in denial all the way.
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He wanted out with his whole body, and I could see it.
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But he was doing something more human than that.
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He was negotiating.
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Negotiating the price, what it's going to cost him to get to where he wants to go.
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That is unwillingness.
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That's what unwillingness really sounds like.
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It almost never sounds like refusal.
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It sounds like a man agreeing to the goal, and then he quietly starts amending the terms, right?
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Well, I ask my guys, are you chemsex free or are you chemsex free with some caveats?
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I'm going to keep that number around just in case, right?
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I'll stop using, but I'm keeping the apps.
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I'll delete the apps, but I'm keeping his number.
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I'll go to a group, but not that group.
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I'll do the work, but not the part that's hard.
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What are you willing to lose to gain a new life?
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Listen, here's what I love about this reframe and why I'm never asking how bad you want it again.
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You cannot feel your way to an answer on willingness.
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If you sit down and ask yourself, am I willing?
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you're going to get a yes every time.
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Because the part of you that answers that question is the part that wants it.
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And the part is enormous and it's loud and it's completely sincere.
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You want it bad.
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But willingness is only ever visible in the rear view mirror.
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What you've been willing to do.
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So don't ask, look.
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Look around.
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What have you done?
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The apps are on your phone or they're not.
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His number is in your contacts or it is not.
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You made the call or you didn't.
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You told the person the truth this week or you kept it.
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You had a thought to use and you shared it or you didn't share it.
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None of that is a character verdict for you.
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It's just information.
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And this is the most useful information you're going to have and what will move you along in your recovery.
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Okay?
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The hardest part of willingness lives in the life in recovery, in your life after you've quit.
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Being willing to be the one who has to leave early.
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Being willing to stop getting invited to certain places.
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Being willing to sit in a room where everybody else can do the thing you can't do anymore.
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Being willing to have a sexual life that looks nothing like the one you had for a while without knowing what it's going to look like on the other side.
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Being willing to lock the phone up in a lockbox at night or surrender it to somebody.
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Being willing to surrender your keys at night.
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Being willing to be monitored and have friends stay over to ensure you don't go out on your danger zone weekends.
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All of that is going to come with some grief.
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That is not weakness, and it's not being dramatic.
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You are being asked to bury a version of yourself, a social world, and a whole sexual template, and to do it before a replacement has shown up.
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You are in that middle spot.
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Anybody is going to flinch at that because it feels like you're taking a risk.
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You're getting rid of part of yourself hoping that life and recovery is better.
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That's a lot.
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And for a lot of us, that chemsex scene was the first place we ever felt wanted.
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The first room where we walked in, then nobody looked away.
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Losing this is a genuine loss.
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And most recovery advice bounces off men like us because it won't say that out loud, it won't allow you to admit it.
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So we're saying it here.
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You are not being asked to be willing to live with less or deprive yourself of joy.
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You're being asked to be willing to live without it long enough for something else to arrive.
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I know that's a lot to ask on faith.
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I asked it of myself, and it was hard to believe during that time.
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But it arrived.
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It arrived for me, and it'll arrive for you.
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But don't try to summon it at 3 a.m.
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because willingness moves.
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Right?
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It's a state.
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You do not have a fixed amount of it at certain times.
00:18:13.359 --> 00:18:15.599
Nobody is willing at 3 a.m.
00:18:15.839 --> 00:18:18.960
with the text on the screen and the whole system activated.
00:18:19.519 --> 00:18:21.599
Because your midbrain is running the show.
00:18:21.839 --> 00:18:25.440
Your prefrontal cortex has gone offline and you're on autopilot.
00:18:25.680 --> 00:18:34.000
So expecting to generate willingness in that moment is like expecting to learn to swim during a flood, right?
00:18:34.160 --> 00:18:37.519
Which means it has to be decided in advance.
00:18:39.839 --> 00:18:42.799
So it's very simple if you want to do an if then.
00:18:43.200 --> 00:18:46.000
If he texts, then I do the specific thing.
00:18:46.160 --> 00:18:48.559
That's where the willingness comes in, the action.
00:18:48.799 --> 00:18:51.759
If I open the app, then I call this specific person.
00:18:52.079 --> 00:18:56.160
Some kind of pre-decided, written down, put somewhere you actually see it.
00:18:56.240 --> 00:19:00.400
So it doesn't have to be manufactured in the worst 10 minutes of your work week.
00:19:00.640 --> 00:19:01.920
You want to practice it.
00:19:02.079 --> 00:19:03.920
You want to practice doing the if-then.
00:19:06.480 --> 00:19:09.839
And that becomes a 1% interruption in the pattern.
00:19:10.480 --> 00:19:17.920
And it is not the whole recovery, it's the part that survives contact with the craving.
00:19:18.799 --> 00:19:23.359
And honestly, that's the only part that's really mattered here.
00:19:24.799 --> 00:19:26.400
So here's where we're landing.
00:19:26.559 --> 00:19:28.640
You don't need to want it more.
00:19:29.759 --> 00:19:32.400
You need to take the damn action.
00:19:33.440 --> 00:19:35.039
I hope that helps.
00:19:35.599 --> 00:19:37.599
Let me know what you think in the comments.
00:19:37.680 --> 00:19:41.759
I'd love to hear from you, and I will see you next week.
00:00:00.479 --> 00:00:01.360
Chemsex.
00:00:01.760 --> 00:00:09.119
Sexualized drug use among men who have sex with men, typically involving methamphetamine, methadrone, and GHB, among others.
00:00:09.359 --> 00:00:18.399
Chemsex misuse is a worldwide epidemic that needs attention, dialogue, and hope for those lost in it, which is the purpose of the Aftermath Podcast.
00:00:18.640 --> 00:00:28.160
Please note the views expressed by the host and guest on this podcast are not to be taken as medical advice, and the content around sex and drug use can be triggering.
00:00:28.879 --> 00:00:30.879
Alright, welcome back to the Aftermath Podcast.
00:00:30.960 --> 00:00:35.679
In this solo episode, don't forget there is a supplemental study guide that goes along with this episode.
00:00:35.840 --> 00:00:37.439
The link will be in the show notes.
00:00:37.600 --> 00:00:46.799
Please remember to like, subscribe, and rate the podcast so we can get the algorithm to place it into the ears and eyes of those who need it.
00:00:46.880 --> 00:00:47.840
I say the same thing every week.
00:00:47.920 --> 00:00:50.880
You'd think I would have it down pat, but I don't.
00:00:51.200 --> 00:01:01.679
Anyway, so talking today, this has actually been one of my one of my favorite uh podcasts to put together and study guide.
00:01:01.759 --> 00:01:06.000
The study guide is basically sometimes it's going to be word for word what I say, sometimes it isn't.
00:01:06.079 --> 00:01:08.799
Um just depends on what kind of mood I'm in.
00:01:09.359 --> 00:01:11.439
But uh take a look at it anyway.
00:01:11.680 --> 00:01:16.400
One of the first clients that I had was what I called a flight risk.
00:01:16.560 --> 00:01:18.560
That's what I call some of my clients now.
00:01:18.799 --> 00:01:26.719
They're the ones that have to be monitored constantly because they're always looking for a little slight opening to use, right?
00:01:26.799 --> 00:01:30.480
They're just here once, one day gone the next minute.
00:01:30.719 --> 00:01:40.000
It's it's almost like I think of like this indoor cat, you know, watching the door to be left open just a little longer than normal when it darts out.
00:01:40.159 --> 00:01:40.319
Right.
00:01:40.480 --> 00:01:44.560
That's very two different analogies, but you get the point, I hope.
00:01:44.799 --> 00:01:49.200
Anyway, this guy, this was early on, and I didn't have a program at all.
00:01:49.280 --> 00:02:06.959
It was just me and him, you know, but he would get a craving late at night, and knowing his phone was locked down, so he couldn't access Grinder or any of the other drug dealing apps, he would journey to Walmart to buy a track phone or tablet, and you know the rest.
00:02:07.359 --> 00:02:17.759
So the situation really tested me early on because it felt like he literally needed to be handcuffed and kept in a padded room every night.
00:02:17.919 --> 00:02:24.719
Um, but here's the thing is I didn't know at that time that that was very common in in our in early chemsex recovery.
00:02:24.879 --> 00:02:32.240
I didn't personally face that because I was in drug court and I was being drug tested three or four times a week.
00:02:32.560 --> 00:02:34.879
So I basically had to be.
00:02:35.039 --> 00:02:43.759
You know, I no matter what I was feeling at night, like it was either stay put, stay by ass put in bed, or go to prison.
00:02:44.000 --> 00:02:46.800
So the option, the choices were pretty easy for me.
00:02:47.039 --> 00:02:50.960
But you know, this is all tied to that midbrain, that euphoric recall.
00:02:51.120 --> 00:02:56.319
The prefrontal cortex shuts down, like when we're tired or we're hungry or we're horny.
00:02:56.719 --> 00:02:59.360
The midbrain takes over and it wants that dopamine.
00:02:59.599 --> 00:03:01.439
So we are then sleepwalking.
00:03:01.599 --> 00:03:03.840
We're sleepwalking our way to the chem party.
00:03:03.919 --> 00:03:06.319
You know, we sleepwalk our way to Walmart, we're there.
00:03:06.479 --> 00:03:10.479
Um, I didn't have a lot of compassion for him, to be honest with you.
00:03:10.639 --> 00:03:13.919
And um it's a learning experience for me and probably him.
00:03:14.080 --> 00:03:19.439
But I remember back then and thinking, and I've said it to him, and I've said it more recently.
00:03:19.759 --> 00:03:25.759
If you are going through all of that, if you're getting in your car and going to Walmart, you don't want it bad enough.
00:03:26.000 --> 00:03:29.520
And I even think that I said that on a podcast here.
00:03:30.000 --> 00:03:37.840
Um it was, I think the one where Bobby and I were talking about the um pitfalls, Kim Sex Recovery Pitfalls.
00:03:38.159 --> 00:03:39.360
I did say that.
00:03:39.599 --> 00:03:49.680
Um, which look, it's horribly, it can be horribly shaming to say that um and counterintuitive to what I'm trying to do here.
00:03:49.840 --> 00:03:52.719
Um and it's not really becoming of a coach.
00:03:53.199 --> 00:03:56.879
And look, in some cases, it is actually true.
00:03:57.199 --> 00:03:59.680
There are some times I've said it when I don't regret it.
00:03:59.759 --> 00:04:07.520
Um and it can be true at times, but still nothing saying that to a client is not going to help.
00:04:07.680 --> 00:04:08.800
I I get that now.
00:04:09.039 --> 00:04:22.160
So but what I've come to realize and how I approach this now with clients is less about how bad they want to be meth-free and more about how willing they are to do what it takes to be meth-free.
00:04:23.120 --> 00:04:26.480
Those are very different approaches.
00:04:26.879 --> 00:04:41.920
Because there's one thing I do know, and that is that given the world we live in today, the ease of access to meth, methadrome, GHB, one must be willing to do the hard work, the difficult work, the uncomfortable work.
00:04:42.480 --> 00:04:44.399
It does not come free.
00:04:45.439 --> 00:04:54.399
How bad you want to get rid of the substance is actually irrelevant because how bad you want to stop fluctuates.
00:04:55.199 --> 00:04:59.519
How willing are you to do what it takes?
00:04:59.839 --> 00:05:02.399
And that's what we're going to go over today.
00:05:03.120 --> 00:05:03.759
All right.
00:05:04.079 --> 00:05:15.439
So, more often than not in my program, my clients come to me, they are high functioning, and they're often affluent gay men, at least, you know, affluent enough to pay for a coaching program.
00:05:15.600 --> 00:05:19.040
They still have a job, they're still holding everything together.
00:05:19.439 --> 00:05:28.959
Often they've tried many other routes to becoming math-free, and often they've heard what I'm going to tell them first from the other places.
00:05:29.199 --> 00:05:34.800
But they're really hoping I'm going to say something different than the treatment centers and the counselors and the therapists.
00:05:34.959 --> 00:05:41.839
But listen, whether my program is different, if it's shame-free, empowering individuals, all of that.
00:05:42.000 --> 00:05:48.079
The fact remains the damn phone must be dealt with full stop.
00:05:48.319 --> 00:05:52.319
No matter what route you take, the phone must be dealt with.
00:05:52.480 --> 00:05:54.160
But that's not what we're talking about today.
00:05:54.399 --> 00:05:58.240
So, but my client, a lot of clients will say, Well, I can't delete the apps.
00:05:58.399 --> 00:06:00.079
I can't change my phone number.
00:06:00.319 --> 00:06:02.639
He can't stop talking to this one guy.
00:06:02.879 --> 00:06:05.199
You know, he says, Well, the group time doesn't work for me.
00:06:05.279 --> 00:06:07.279
The accountability feels like a lot here.
00:06:07.439 --> 00:06:08.720
I don't want to be monitored this much.
00:06:08.800 --> 00:06:10.480
The group chat's overwhelming.
00:06:10.720 --> 00:06:15.600
I'm going to start the practice maybe next week when it when I have more time or I feel better.
00:06:15.759 --> 00:06:21.920
Look, the instant urge in me is to say, look, buddy, how bad do you want this?
00:06:23.040 --> 00:06:24.800
And I used to say that actually.
00:06:24.959 --> 00:06:28.079
And sometimes, again, sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't work.
00:06:28.560 --> 00:06:31.759
It doesn't matter because it wasn't really the best approach.
00:06:31.920 --> 00:06:35.759
But I and I was not trying to shame him or anyone.
00:06:35.920 --> 00:06:36.959
I want to be clear about that.
00:06:37.120 --> 00:06:42.079
I was trying to reconnect him with his reason, with his why.
00:06:42.240 --> 00:06:50.800
I wanted him to remember the version of himself who called me the first time, who when we met in our sales call and he was desperate to change, right?
00:06:50.959 --> 00:06:54.639
The one who was done and the one who really meant it.
00:06:55.279 --> 00:06:59.839
And sometimes when I said how bad you want it, it would work temporarily.
00:07:00.160 --> 00:07:01.360
He would begin to nod.
00:07:01.439 --> 00:07:02.560
He would look down and get quiet.
00:07:02.639 --> 00:07:04.079
You know, sometimes he'd tear up.
00:07:04.240 --> 00:07:07.439
He'd leave the conversation with this like new resolve.
00:07:07.839 --> 00:07:11.439
Two weeks later, we'd be having the same conversation.
00:07:12.800 --> 00:07:15.759
I've had that same conversation hundreds of times.
00:07:15.920 --> 00:07:17.360
Hell, I've had it with myself.
00:07:17.519 --> 00:07:19.040
How bad do you want this, right?
00:07:19.439 --> 00:07:21.600
I have been asking the wrong question.
00:07:21.839 --> 00:07:24.800
And you might be asking the wrong question too.
00:07:25.040 --> 00:07:26.480
Everybody wants it.
00:07:26.720 --> 00:07:31.439
Look, nobody comes to me, and you're not listening to this because you want to keep using.
00:07:31.600 --> 00:07:36.079
Unless you're you want to taper off for manager use, but the ultimate goal is abstinence, right?
00:07:36.240 --> 00:07:39.759
Not one man in my program not ever says, I just want to keep using, right?
00:07:40.000 --> 00:07:42.240
I he wants to stop.
00:07:42.480 --> 00:07:50.560
The man, and listen, the man who relapsed on Saturday wanted out just as badly as the man who didn't.
00:07:50.959 --> 00:07:54.000
There's no difference in the wanting to stop.
00:07:54.639 --> 00:07:56.879
Neither was less motivated.
00:07:57.439 --> 00:07:59.439
Neither was less sincere.
00:08:00.720 --> 00:08:01.040
Okay?
00:08:02.480 --> 00:08:04.959
But one was willing to do what it takes.
00:08:05.600 --> 00:08:08.720
So think about your own 4 a.m., right?
00:08:08.800 --> 00:08:14.959
The promise you made to yourself while you were still coming down, that apology text you sent at 6 a.m.
00:08:15.279 --> 00:08:16.959
And you meant it with your whole chest.
00:08:17.199 --> 00:08:20.000
The prayer that nobody heard.
00:08:20.480 --> 00:08:26.800
The vow you made while your jaw is still clenched, your tongue's still raw and sore.
00:08:28.480 --> 00:08:30.480
This was going to be the last one.
00:08:30.720 --> 00:08:31.680
I am done.
00:08:31.839 --> 00:08:33.360
I want it so bad.
00:08:34.399 --> 00:08:35.840
Tomorrow is going to be different.
00:08:36.000 --> 00:08:37.519
All of that is wanting.
00:08:38.080 --> 00:08:40.799
And it is real and it is sincere.
00:08:41.039 --> 00:08:42.559
You are not lying.
00:08:44.399 --> 00:08:48.720
And it changed virtually nothing often.
00:08:49.440 --> 00:08:53.840
Every man I work with has an unlimited supply of want.
00:08:54.799 --> 00:08:59.840
The desire is not the question, the desire is really just the beginning.
00:09:00.080 --> 00:09:09.200
What was actually missing here is like look at this wanting and willingness are two different systems.
00:09:09.759 --> 00:09:12.320
And we use the words pretty interchangeably.
00:09:12.480 --> 00:09:15.919
But wanting lives in the future, right?
00:09:16.000 --> 00:09:19.440
In its vague place where emotions live.
00:09:19.840 --> 00:09:22.320
They come, they go, they're strong, they're weak.
00:09:23.360 --> 00:09:27.919
Willingness lives in the next ten minutes of action.
00:09:29.200 --> 00:09:31.919
Wanting costs you nothing.
00:09:33.440 --> 00:09:37.759
But willingness costs you something every time.
00:09:37.919 --> 00:09:41.120
Again, you can get meth free for free.
00:09:41.840 --> 00:09:43.600
It's going to cost you something.
00:09:44.240 --> 00:09:48.480
Wanting is a feeling that arrives all on its own.
00:09:50.000 --> 00:09:58.799
Willingness is a behavior that you produce on purpose through your action.
00:09:59.600 --> 00:10:05.120
So here's some clinical backdrop here, and then I'll I'll I'll leave it.
00:10:05.279 --> 00:10:13.200
There's a whole body of research and motivational interviewing that's going to separate what a person says into two buckets.
00:10:13.440 --> 00:10:18.559
The first bucket, desire, ability, reasons, like need.
00:10:18.799 --> 00:10:22.480
I want to, I could, I should, I have to.
00:10:22.960 --> 00:10:24.720
That's that's all in the head.
00:10:24.879 --> 00:10:27.440
These are all the cognitive reasons why.
00:10:27.679 --> 00:10:30.559
Researchers, they're going to call that preparatory talk, right?
00:10:30.720 --> 00:10:34.799
But the second bucket is commitment, activation.
00:10:35.279 --> 00:10:37.440
It's taking actual steps.
00:10:37.759 --> 00:10:41.200
I will, I am, I did.
00:10:43.360 --> 00:10:46.720
You can live in that first bucket for a decade.
00:10:47.039 --> 00:10:50.480
I know I should, but am I doing it?
00:10:51.039 --> 00:11:02.240
Across hundreds of studies, how badly a person intends to do something explains about 28% of whether they actually do it and follow through.
00:11:04.159 --> 00:11:07.679
That's called the intention behavior gap, right?
00:11:08.159 --> 00:11:12.639
This is very close to the the discussion we have about knowing and doing.
00:11:13.279 --> 00:11:23.120
So 28%, which means about three-quarters of your recovery is happening somewhere other than your wanting.
00:11:23.360 --> 00:11:26.639
Wanting only gets you part way.
00:11:26.960 --> 00:11:34.080
The gap is where many of you live, and that's where I live in some aspects of my life.
00:11:34.320 --> 00:11:36.559
Willingness is not wanting.
00:11:37.039 --> 00:11:42.720
You can be completely willing to do something, and you have no desire to do it.
00:11:44.159 --> 00:11:47.519
Most of the important things are like that.
00:11:47.759 --> 00:11:55.840
I don't have a desire to put away my pornography or my whatever, but I'm willing to do it.
00:11:56.559 --> 00:11:59.440
Willingness is not conditional.
00:12:00.320 --> 00:12:02.240
I'll do it when it gets easier.
00:12:02.399 --> 00:12:03.679
That's not willingness.
00:12:03.840 --> 00:12:05.279
That's negotiation.
00:12:05.759 --> 00:12:09.039
That's that negotiation stage of the grieving process we've talked about.
00:12:09.279 --> 00:12:11.279
Willingness is not trying.
00:12:11.679 --> 00:12:20.639
Trying is a word that you reach for when you've already decided the outcome is not even your responsibility, or it may or may not happen.
00:12:20.720 --> 00:12:22.559
Like, I'm trying to quit.
00:12:22.879 --> 00:12:25.039
Willingness is not a feeling.
00:12:25.360 --> 00:12:27.200
Willingness is an action.
00:12:27.519 --> 00:12:31.440
What unwillingness, unwillingness sounds like.
00:12:31.679 --> 00:12:37.200
Now listen, one of my guys, so six weeks in, I guess, probably doing well, he tells me he's ready.
00:12:37.360 --> 00:12:39.840
He's serious this time, he wants his life back.
00:12:40.240 --> 00:12:41.519
So ask him about the apps.
00:12:41.759 --> 00:12:43.279
I couldn't find that in your Apple Music Live.
00:12:43.440 --> 00:12:44.240
Yeah, I delete a grinder.
00:12:46.080 --> 00:12:47.519
Or ask for your mu Okay.
00:12:47.919 --> 00:12:49.679
What else is on your phone?
00:12:50.080 --> 00:12:50.720
Pause.
00:12:51.039 --> 00:12:53.759
I mean Sniffy's is on there, but that's not the same thing.
00:12:54.000 --> 00:12:55.919
Okay, tell me how it's different.
00:12:56.240 --> 00:12:57.279
Longer pause.
00:12:57.440 --> 00:12:59.039
It's just like browsing.
00:12:59.600 --> 00:12:59.919
Okay.
00:13:00.480 --> 00:13:01.759
Here's the thing.
00:13:02.000 --> 00:13:03.600
He's not lying, right?
00:13:03.919 --> 00:13:05.679
He was not being defiant.
00:13:06.080 --> 00:13:09.039
He was not in denial all the way.
00:13:09.360 --> 00:13:13.600
He wanted out with his whole body, and I could see it.
00:13:13.840 --> 00:13:17.360
But he was doing something more human than that.
00:13:17.519 --> 00:13:19.200
He was negotiating.
00:13:19.519 --> 00:13:24.879
Negotiating the price, what it's going to cost him to get to where he wants to go.
00:13:25.120 --> 00:13:26.879
That is unwillingness.
00:13:27.120 --> 00:13:29.200
That's what unwillingness really sounds like.
00:13:29.360 --> 00:13:32.000
It almost never sounds like refusal.
00:13:32.240 --> 00:13:39.759
It sounds like a man agreeing to the goal, and then he quietly starts amending the terms, right?
00:13:39.919 --> 00:13:45.600
Well, I ask my guys, are you chemsex free or are you chemsex free with some caveats?
00:13:47.279 --> 00:13:50.720
I'm going to keep that number around just in case, right?
00:13:51.200 --> 00:13:53.679
I'll stop using, but I'm keeping the apps.
00:13:53.840 --> 00:13:56.240
I'll delete the apps, but I'm keeping his number.
00:13:56.399 --> 00:13:58.559
I'll go to a group, but not that group.
00:13:58.720 --> 00:14:01.360
I'll do the work, but not the part that's hard.
00:14:01.600 --> 00:14:06.879
What are you willing to lose to gain a new life?
00:14:07.600 --> 00:14:14.080
Listen, here's what I love about this reframe and why I'm never asking how bad you want it again.
00:14:14.399 --> 00:14:19.600
You cannot feel your way to an answer on willingness.
00:14:20.320 --> 00:14:22.720
If you sit down and ask yourself, am I willing?
00:14:22.879 --> 00:14:24.480
you're going to get a yes every time.
00:14:24.639 --> 00:14:28.480
Because the part of you that answers that question is the part that wants it.
00:14:28.720 --> 00:14:32.559
And the part is enormous and it's loud and it's completely sincere.
00:14:32.720 --> 00:14:33.919
You want it bad.
00:14:34.240 --> 00:14:40.080
But willingness is only ever visible in the rear view mirror.
00:14:40.559 --> 00:14:42.720
What you've been willing to do.
00:14:42.960 --> 00:14:44.960
So don't ask, look.
00:14:45.840 --> 00:14:46.720
Look around.
00:14:46.879 --> 00:14:48.480
What have you done?
00:14:49.279 --> 00:14:52.000
The apps are on your phone or they're not.
00:14:52.240 --> 00:14:55.039
His number is in your contacts or it is not.
00:14:55.279 --> 00:14:57.200
You made the call or you didn't.
00:14:57.440 --> 00:15:00.399
You told the person the truth this week or you kept it.
00:15:00.559 --> 00:15:04.480
You had a thought to use and you shared it or you didn't share it.
00:15:07.039 --> 00:15:10.240
None of that is a character verdict for you.
00:15:11.039 --> 00:15:12.399
It's just information.
00:15:14.080 --> 00:15:21.360
And this is the most useful information you're going to have and what will move you along in your recovery.
00:15:22.080 --> 00:15:22.399
Okay?
00:15:23.360 --> 00:15:32.879
The hardest part of willingness lives in the life in recovery, in your life after you've quit.
00:15:34.000 --> 00:15:38.080
Being willing to be the one who has to leave early.
00:15:38.559 --> 00:15:42.399
Being willing to stop getting invited to certain places.
00:15:42.639 --> 00:15:48.080
Being willing to sit in a room where everybody else can do the thing you can't do anymore.
00:15:49.919 --> 00:15:57.840
Being willing to have a sexual life that looks nothing like the one you had for a while without knowing what it's going to look like on the other side.
00:15:58.080 --> 00:16:03.360
Being willing to lock the phone up in a lockbox at night or surrender it to somebody.
00:16:03.600 --> 00:16:05.919
Being willing to surrender your keys at night.
00:16:06.080 --> 00:16:12.960
Being willing to be monitored and have friends stay over to ensure you don't go out on your danger zone weekends.
00:16:15.279 --> 00:16:21.120
All of that is going to come with some grief.
00:16:24.000 --> 00:16:27.519
That is not weakness, and it's not being dramatic.
00:16:28.000 --> 00:16:38.720
You are being asked to bury a version of yourself, a social world, and a whole sexual template, and to do it before a replacement has shown up.
00:16:38.879 --> 00:16:41.279
You are in that middle spot.
00:16:41.679 --> 00:16:46.879
Anybody is going to flinch at that because it feels like you're taking a risk.
00:16:47.440 --> 00:16:52.399
You're getting rid of part of yourself hoping that life and recovery is better.
00:16:53.200 --> 00:16:54.480
That's a lot.
00:16:56.960 --> 00:17:01.679
And for a lot of us, that chemsex scene was the first place we ever felt wanted.
00:17:01.919 --> 00:17:05.119
The first room where we walked in, then nobody looked away.
00:17:07.039 --> 00:17:10.079
Losing this is a genuine loss.
00:17:11.920 --> 00:17:21.920
And most recovery advice bounces off men like us because it won't say that out loud, it won't allow you to admit it.
00:17:22.000 --> 00:17:23.519
So we're saying it here.
00:17:24.640 --> 00:17:31.920
You are not being asked to be willing to live with less or deprive yourself of joy.
00:17:32.160 --> 00:17:40.400
You're being asked to be willing to live without it long enough for something else to arrive.
00:17:41.119 --> 00:17:44.160
I know that's a lot to ask on faith.
00:17:45.440 --> 00:17:51.359
I asked it of myself, and it was hard to believe during that time.
00:17:52.079 --> 00:17:53.519
But it arrived.
00:17:53.759 --> 00:17:57.119
It arrived for me, and it'll arrive for you.
00:17:57.759 --> 00:18:00.000
But don't try to summon it at 3 a.m.
00:18:00.240 --> 00:18:01.920
because willingness moves.
00:18:02.640 --> 00:18:02.960
Right?
00:18:03.119 --> 00:18:04.319
It's a state.
00:18:06.240 --> 00:18:11.039
You do not have a fixed amount of it at certain times.
00:18:13.359 --> 00:18:15.599
Nobody is willing at 3 a.m.
00:18:15.839 --> 00:18:18.960
with the text on the screen and the whole system activated.
00:18:19.519 --> 00:18:21.599
Because your midbrain is running the show.
00:18:21.839 --> 00:18:25.440
Your prefrontal cortex has gone offline and you're on autopilot.
00:18:25.680 --> 00:18:34.000
So expecting to generate willingness in that moment is like expecting to learn to swim during a flood, right?
00:18:34.160 --> 00:18:37.519
Which means it has to be decided in advance.
00:18:39.839 --> 00:18:42.799
So it's very simple if you want to do an if then.
00:18:43.200 --> 00:18:46.000
If he texts, then I do the specific thing.
00:18:46.160 --> 00:18:48.559
That's where the willingness comes in, the action.
00:18:48.799 --> 00:18:51.759
If I open the app, then I call this specific person.
00:18:52.079 --> 00:18:56.160
Some kind of pre-decided, written down, put somewhere you actually see it.
00:18:56.240 --> 00:19:00.400
So it doesn't have to be manufactured in the worst 10 minutes of your work week.
00:19:00.640 --> 00:19:01.920
You want to practice it.
00:19:02.079 --> 00:19:03.920
You want to practice doing the if-then.
00:19:06.480 --> 00:19:09.839
And that becomes a 1% interruption in the pattern.
00:19:10.480 --> 00:19:17.920
And it is not the whole recovery, it's the part that survives contact with the craving.
00:19:18.799 --> 00:19:23.359
And honestly, that's the only part that's really mattered here.
00:19:24.799 --> 00:19:26.400
So here's where we're landing.
00:19:26.559 --> 00:19:28.640
You don't need to want it more.
00:19:29.759 --> 00:19:32.400
You need to take the damn action.
00:19:33.440 --> 00:19:35.039
I hope that helps.
00:19:35.599 --> 00:19:37.599
Let me know what you think in the comments.
00:19:37.680 --> 00:19:41.759
I'd love to hear from you, and I will see you next week.
