ABOUT THIS EPISODE
After betrayal, the person who caused the harm may wonder whether they still have the right to express their feelings, disagree, set boundaries, or acknowledge when something hurts. At the same time, the betrayed partner needs space for their pain, anger, and trauma to be heard and understood.
In this episode of the Human Intimacy Podcast, Dr. Kevin Skinner and MaryAnn Michaelis explore a difficult but important question: What is the voice of the betraying spouse?
The conversation examines the difference between accountability and self-punishment, why shame can cause the betraying spouse to lose their voice, and how defensiveness can prevent the betrayed partner from feeling truly heard.
Dr. Skinner and MaryAnn explore the idea that two things can be true at the same time. The betraying spouse must take responsibility for deception, dishonesty, and the pain their actions created. But accountability does not mean they no longer have feelings, needs, or a voice—or that they deserve to be demeaned, threatened, or abused. Healthy repair requires both partners to move toward emotional safety, honesty, and respect.
They also discuss what happens when the betraying spouse hears statements such as “You never loved me.” Rather than immediately becoming defensive, the challenge is to listen for what may be underneath the words: “You hurt me deeply. Can you understand and feel my pain?”
At the same time, the betraying spouse needs healthy places to process their own emotions. Therapy, recovery groups, and trusted support can provide space to work through shame, hurt, and discouragement without expecting the betrayed partner to carry those emotions while they are still healing.
Ultimately, relational repair isn't about one person having a voice while the other remains silent. The goal is to gradually create a relationship where two people can show up, two voices can be heard, pain can be expressed without causing additional harm, and accountability and compassion can exist together.
ResourcesIntimacy Repair Method
Learn more about the Intimacy Repair Method and resources for betrayal trauma, betrayed-partner healing, acting-out partner recovery, and rebuilding relational intimacy.
Human Intimacy
Explore additional relationship resources and episodes of the Human Intimacy Podcast.
