WEBVTT
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Chemsex.
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Sexualized drug use among men who have sex with men, typically involving methamphetamine, methadrone, and GHB, among others.
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Chemsex misuse is a worldwide epidemic that needs attention, dialogue, and hope for those lost in it, which is the purpose of the Aftermath Podcast.
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Please note the views expressed by the host and guest on this podcast are not to be taken as medical advice, and the content around sex and drug use can be triggering.
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All right, welcome back to the Aftermath Podcast in this solo episode.
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Don't forget there is a supplemental study guide that goes along with this episode.
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The link is in, guess what?
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The show notes.
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Please remember to like, subscribe, and rate the podcast so we can get the algorithm to place it in the ears and eyes of those who need it.
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All right.
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So in order to comply with recovery culture and make it easier to ever for everybody to understand, I use August 4th, 2018 as the first day of my chemsex recovery.
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But guess what?
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It is not.
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My recovery began the morning the sun's rays blinded me through the hotel curtain.
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You may have heard this story.
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Why the curtains weren't duct taped down to the wall?
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Must have been an oversight by somebody.
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I was lying naked on the bed between two other naked guys, and we were scrolling grinder.
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The night before it was full of searching for more guys.
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There were some attempts at sex, and there had been a huge fight because I felt left out.
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So I had planted myself in the middle of them.
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So it it that morning it was like the son's hand had reached into that red roof in just to get my attention.
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And I remember I led my head laid my head back on the headboard, dropped the phone to my lap, and I just stared out through the opening in that curtain.
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Outside, all the normies were rising for their work day.
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Tears started welling up in my eyes.
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And a voice inside fought its way through all the static and all the spiraling emotions and said, I'm done.
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That morning is when my recovery journey began.
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I was ready to act.
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My intent became visible, visceral in my body, aligned with my soul.
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Because I knew in my heart that this was not the life for me.
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So yes, I did use many times after that night.
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But every single time the experience worsened, they became less enjoyable, and I became more and more disconnected with chemsex.
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That's called the preparation stage of James Prochasca and Carlo Di Clemente's five stages of change model.
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You may have heard this, especially if you've been in treatment.
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Back in the late 70s, these two researchers wanted to know why some people change and why some people don't.
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And they found that it isn't a switch, it's a sequence.
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People move through five predictable stages on their way out of a behavior.
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And they move through them typically in order.
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I don't know about that.
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I think it probably goes back and forth.
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Every treatment center I know of hands you this model and they use it.
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I've heard therapists refer to it, counselors talk about it.
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I believe this model is very valuable for us to understand our recovery process.
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And I also believe there's a stage missing.
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So today I'm going to introduce what I call stage 4.5, the becoming.
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And if you are continuing to go back to chemsex and you feel hopeless or overwhelmed, I believe this information will help you recalibrate and break free from what the recovery industry defines as your day one.
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So here is a brief summary of these five stages if you're not familiar with them.
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Number one is pre-contemplation.
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You're not thinking about change yet.
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Often you don't see that the behavior as a problem.
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If somebody brings it up, you have a reason ready why it's not a problem.
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You're fine, it's a phase, you can stop whenever you want.
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It's not like you're one of those people, right?
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This is the stage where the people who love you can see the need to change, but you can't.
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Number two, contemplation.
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Now you know.
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You're aware that there's a problem and you're thinking about changing, but you're stuck in the ambivalence.
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You want to stop and you don't want to stop.
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And often in the same hour, sometimes in the same sentence.
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This is the longest stage for some for most people, right?
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Years for some.
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The knowing without the moving, right?
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That stays in this kind of torturous place.
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Number three is the preparation stage.
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You're getting ready to act.
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And this is where the intent becomes visible.
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You're making a plan, you're telling somebody, you're taking small steps, even saying no to the dealer's offer once in a while.
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The appointment with a therapist gets made.
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Sponsor's number gets saved.
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Maybe you do go to a meeting, you clean out a drawer.
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That's where I was that morning.
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Number four is the action.
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This is the real visible change.
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You're doing it.
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This stage takes the most effort of any of them, right?
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And it also carries the highest risk of slipping back.
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You would think that doing would be easier than thinking, but it isn't.
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The doing is the hard part because now you are facing all the shit you've been avoiding for years.
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The stuff that pushed you into chemsex in the first place.
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Number five, the last stage of change is maintenance.
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You've sustained it for six months or more, the work is shifting, your emotions are leveling out, your relationships are enriched, you're finding joy in your life.
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This is where it becomes something other than effort.
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This is where it becomes natural, and this is where the new life feels real and it feels attainable.
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Now, there's a hole in that list, in my opinion.
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To look at it again.
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Stage four is action, stage five is maintenance.
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And maintenance starts at six months.
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So what is the name of the thing between them?
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There isn't one.
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The model jumps from doing it to having done it.
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And the space in between is where most men I've ever coached, probably if you're listening to this, is at.
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And most men have nearly lost their recovery because they're in this stage and they don't know it.
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You're not in the action anymore, not the way you were in week one, but you're not in maintenance because you're still relapsing.
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And six months is a number that feels way out of reach.
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You're in this gap, that liminal stage that I call buffering, where you aren't who you were, but you're not who you are.
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Because so many systems out there, recovery systems, try to force you to jump to abstinence so you feel stuck where you are.
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And this is where the shame of starting at zero every time you use holds you back.
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Nothing is wrong with you.
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You're in a stage, stage 4.5.
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It just doesn't, it doesn't have a number.
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Now it does.
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I'm giving it one.
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So I gave it a number, I gave it a name.
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It's called the becoming.
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I call it the becoming, and I call it 4.5.
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It's a bridge between action and maintenance.
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And this is where most of you are.
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And because it doesn't have a name, you feel lost.
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You feel like you don't belong in any of the stages of change.
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You don't have a name for it.
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So here's what defines this stage: you're taking action and you're still using.
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Both things are true at once.
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The new patterns aren't automatic yet.
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So you're kind of building them by hand every single day.
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And sometimes the old pattern wins the fight, right?
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Wins the day.
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I don't want to say fight.
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You are relying on willpower.
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Willpower and self-control will wax and wane depending on so many factors.
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You cannot rely on how you feel in this stage.
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You cannot rely on how much you want to stop.
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Some days you will want it, and some days you will not, and the days you don't are the days the old patterns will come back.
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You're also facing a plateau in this stage, a leveling out.
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You become disenchanted with recovery techniques, with meetings, with journaling.
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You aren't seeing the immediate results of your work.
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So you succumb to the shame and the self-loathing of how the world frames a relapse.
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So you're in that stage stuck.
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Why I named it becoming is because you haven't become the person who doesn't use myth yet.
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And I don't mean that as an insult or a put down.
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I mean literally.
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You're a version of you on the other side of this.
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There's a version of you on the other side of this.
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Who isn't resisting anything, who is your true self.
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That version doesn't use because using isn't even an option for him anymore.
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He's in that, he's past the maintenance stage, right?
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It's not a decision that he has to make every day.
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It's actually not a decision he makes at all.
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You're not him yet.
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You're still in the process of turning into him, of becoming him.
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So you're not at five and you're not at four.
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You're in iteration, which is an could be another name for this stage.
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And the thing about iteration is that you have to repeat, repeat, repeat for it to work.
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You iteration means you make modifications and you repeat, which changes what a relapse means, right?
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You're oscillating.
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You're moving between the old pattern and the new pattern.
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And your brain is just beginning to change, right?
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New pathways are beginning to be worn in, but they're not there yet.
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So when a slip happens, it is literally information in the form of contrast.
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Contrast.
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In other words, you get to see what you don't want when you use, which will encourage you and stimulate you and activate you to get what you do want.
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Like I said a lot of times, sometimes you have to use to learn how not to use.
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But you have to separate your emotions in this stage and grab on to the faith that every day you are closer to the man you're becoming, regardless of the evidence to the contrary.
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Even though relapse is not evidence to the contrary, it's going to be hard for you not to think that.
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You have to know I am becoming the man who doesn't use, even if you just relapsed.
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In this stage, you have to ignore anything other than evidence that you are becoming the man you want to be.
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The wins.
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This is the mantra of this stage.
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This is something I do until it's something I am.
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This is something I do until it's something I am.
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So what's going to carry you across 4.5 to 5?
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A visceral vision.
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I'm not talking about setting goals.
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A vision is a blueprint for your life.
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This is a picture of who you're becoming, specific enough that you can feel it in your body.
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What is the person who does not use chemsex like?
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Who is he?
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What is his state of consciousness?
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How does he wake up?
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Who's in his life?
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For me, he was sitting at a table with my kids without the next hookup running in the back of my mind.
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Being fully present, I could hear our conversation, taste our dinner, feel the gratitude as I looked at their faces.
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That picture carried me through some very bad nights, asking myself, are you your past self or are you your future self?
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Sometimes I chose my past self.
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Write your vision down in full detail.
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Use the five senses and come into contact with that future self.
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In my program, we call this the prophetic vision.
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What else carries you through?
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Your why.
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Why do you want to stop?
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Is the reason held up in your reasoning?
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In other words, is it because chem sex is bad?
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Is it because you may lose your job?
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Is it because your partner might leave you?
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Is it because your friends will disown you?
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Your health, money, legal trouble, those reasons will not carry you through long-term sustainable recovery.
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When your why drops from the head into the heart space, you can connect with a vision strong enough to carry you through that 2 a.m.
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pool to go use.
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A heart-led why is about identity.
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It may sound something like I am a person who lives meth free in a state of self-love, aligned with my values.
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That's why I'm stopping.
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Or I am becoming the best and highest version of myself.
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Those reasons are about you, who you fundamentally are in the core of your soul.
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Those types of whys dig deep and fundamentally alter how you think, how you speak, and how you act.
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So, what does this look like?
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In this stage, you stay honest about the oscillation of where you are instead of pretending that you're all good and that you have made it to the maintenance stage.
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Fully admitting when you don't feel ready to stop is part of this stage.
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It's honesty, it's transparency.
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Radical honesty is going to set you free, and you use the slips as data instead of proof of your failure.
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You are going to ignore any evidence contrary to your becoming, so you don't invest energy in perceived failures.
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Nothing is a failure in this stage.
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Every single thing that occurs is happening for you to come out on the other side, the man who doesn't partake in chemsex.
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No question.
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Next you decide on a daily anchor, one consistent daily action that brings you back out of autopilot and reminds yourself of your journey.
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That daily anchor might be reading your vision and taking time to imagine it coming true.
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Any daily action, anything that creates an activation in your emotions, you want to deeply feel what it is like to be that man.
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Remind yourself every day regardless of how you feel and what's happening around you, you do the daily action.
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You do until you are over and over and over.
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You stop waiting to feel ready because readiness isn't a feeling you wait for.
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It's an action, it's something you build one anchored day at a time.
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And you hold on to the fact that the timeline for this stage is never prescribed by you or by anybody else.
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You give yourself grace, patience, mercy, and you cling to every win, no matter how tiny every day.
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So where are you?
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Did you see yourself in this?
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Are you in stage 4.5?
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What are you becoming?
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I want you to keep pushing.
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I want you to create your vision.
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I want you to adopt a consistent action every day.
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Repeat, repeat, repeat, regardless of relapse, regardless of how you feel.
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Just take the next action.
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Separate yourself from your emotions here.
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Zoom out.
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See the long game here.
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See the stages and be okay with where you are.
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What you do until you are.
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So I've created a little document to demonstrate these stages.
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Want to share it real quick here.
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And I'll put the link in the show notes.
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Or not in the show notes, in the study guide.
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So I've listed the stages pre-contemplation, contemplation, preparation, action, and maintenance.
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And in there, I've inserted the becoming.
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You're taking action, but you may still be relapsing.
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The new patterns aren't automatic yet.
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That's okay.
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You cannot rely on willpower, self-control, how you feel, or how bad you want it.
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What carries you across is daily anchoring, the consistent thing you do, whether or not you're in the mood.
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Something you do until it's something you are.
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Something you do until it's something you are.
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Powered by a prophetic vision and your why.
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Why?
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Not why do you want to stop using, but why are you the person who stops using?
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And then at the bottom, something I do until it's something I am.
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Okay.
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Let me figure out how to stop sharing that.
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Alright.
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So I hope this helps.
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You can you can download this document.
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Feel free to save it, print it, believe it.
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I believe in you.
00:20:55.759 --> 00:20:59.440
Now it's time for you to believe in you.
00:21:00.400 --> 00:21:04.559
If somebody tells you what your day one should be, fuck them.
00:21:06.640 --> 00:21:12.480
Somebody tells you that you need to move on from 4.5 to 5, fuck them.
00:21:14.640 --> 00:21:17.680
You are the executive of your recovery.
00:21:18.000 --> 00:21:21.039
You're in the right place at the right time.
00:21:21.519 --> 00:21:25.200
There's no better place to be than where you are right now.
00:21:25.279 --> 00:21:28.480
There's no better person to be than who you are right now.
00:21:30.160 --> 00:21:31.519
Settle into that.
00:21:32.480 --> 00:21:40.640
Only see the winds, ignore the haters, and know you are on your way out.
00:21:41.440 --> 00:21:44.640
Hope this helps, and I'll see you next week.
00:00:00.479 --> 00:00:01.360
Chemsex.
00:00:01.760 --> 00:00:09.119
Sexualized drug use among men who have sex with men, typically involving methamphetamine, methadrone, and GHB, among others.
00:00:09.359 --> 00:00:18.399
Chemsex misuse is a worldwide epidemic that needs attention, dialogue, and hope for those lost in it, which is the purpose of the Aftermath Podcast.
00:00:18.640 --> 00:00:28.160
Please note the views expressed by the host and guest on this podcast are not to be taken as medical advice, and the content around sex and drug use can be triggering.
00:00:28.719 --> 00:00:32.320
All right, welcome back to the Aftermath Podcast in this solo episode.
00:00:32.479 --> 00:00:35.920
Don't forget there is a supplemental study guide that goes along with this episode.
00:00:36.079 --> 00:00:37.600
The link is in, guess what?
00:00:37.759 --> 00:00:38.560
The show notes.
00:00:38.719 --> 00:00:46.320
Please remember to like, subscribe, and rate the podcast so we can get the algorithm to place it in the ears and eyes of those who need it.
00:00:46.719 --> 00:00:47.359
All right.
00:00:47.679 --> 00:01:00.560
So in order to comply with recovery culture and make it easier to ever for everybody to understand, I use August 4th, 2018 as the first day of my chemsex recovery.
00:01:00.640 --> 00:01:01.359
But guess what?
00:01:01.520 --> 00:01:02.479
It is not.
00:01:03.200 --> 00:01:09.920
My recovery began the morning the sun's rays blinded me through the hotel curtain.
00:01:10.079 --> 00:01:11.599
You may have heard this story.
00:01:12.560 --> 00:01:15.040
Why the curtains weren't duct taped down to the wall?
00:01:15.280 --> 00:01:17.359
Must have been an oversight by somebody.
00:01:17.599 --> 00:01:23.280
I was lying naked on the bed between two other naked guys, and we were scrolling grinder.
00:01:24.239 --> 00:01:29.040
The night before it was full of searching for more guys.
00:01:29.280 --> 00:01:35.120
There were some attempts at sex, and there had been a huge fight because I felt left out.
00:01:35.359 --> 00:01:37.519
So I had planted myself in the middle of them.
00:01:37.680 --> 00:01:46.879
So it it that morning it was like the son's hand had reached into that red roof in just to get my attention.
00:01:47.280 --> 00:01:57.359
And I remember I led my head laid my head back on the headboard, dropped the phone to my lap, and I just stared out through the opening in that curtain.
00:01:58.159 --> 00:02:03.040
Outside, all the normies were rising for their work day.
00:02:03.359 --> 00:02:05.680
Tears started welling up in my eyes.
00:02:06.159 --> 00:02:15.840
And a voice inside fought its way through all the static and all the spiraling emotions and said, I'm done.
00:02:17.360 --> 00:02:23.599
That morning is when my recovery journey began.
00:02:24.240 --> 00:02:26.159
I was ready to act.
00:02:26.479 --> 00:02:33.120
My intent became visible, visceral in my body, aligned with my soul.
00:02:33.360 --> 00:02:37.919
Because I knew in my heart that this was not the life for me.
00:02:38.159 --> 00:02:41.840
So yes, I did use many times after that night.
00:02:42.159 --> 00:02:53.599
But every single time the experience worsened, they became less enjoyable, and I became more and more disconnected with chemsex.
00:02:54.479 --> 00:03:04.080
That's called the preparation stage of James Prochasca and Carlo Di Clemente's five stages of change model.
00:03:04.400 --> 00:03:07.280
You may have heard this, especially if you've been in treatment.
00:03:07.520 --> 00:03:16.080
Back in the late 70s, these two researchers wanted to know why some people change and why some people don't.
00:03:16.319 --> 00:03:20.080
And they found that it isn't a switch, it's a sequence.
00:03:20.719 --> 00:03:27.120
People move through five predictable stages on their way out of a behavior.
00:03:27.439 --> 00:03:30.560
And they move through them typically in order.
00:03:30.800 --> 00:03:31.919
I don't know about that.
00:03:32.080 --> 00:03:34.479
I think it probably goes back and forth.
00:03:35.039 --> 00:03:38.800
Every treatment center I know of hands you this model and they use it.
00:03:38.960 --> 00:03:43.120
I've heard therapists refer to it, counselors talk about it.
00:03:43.360 --> 00:03:48.159
I believe this model is very valuable for us to understand our recovery process.
00:03:48.400 --> 00:03:52.800
And I also believe there's a stage missing.
00:03:53.280 --> 00:03:58.639
So today I'm going to introduce what I call stage 4.5, the becoming.
00:03:58.879 --> 00:04:13.919
And if you are continuing to go back to chemsex and you feel hopeless or overwhelmed, I believe this information will help you recalibrate and break free from what the recovery industry defines as your day one.
00:04:14.639 --> 00:04:18.959
So here is a brief summary of these five stages if you're not familiar with them.
00:04:19.120 --> 00:04:21.600
Number one is pre-contemplation.
00:04:21.839 --> 00:04:24.000
You're not thinking about change yet.
00:04:24.240 --> 00:04:27.279
Often you don't see that the behavior as a problem.
00:04:27.519 --> 00:04:31.439
If somebody brings it up, you have a reason ready why it's not a problem.
00:04:31.680 --> 00:04:35.600
You're fine, it's a phase, you can stop whenever you want.
00:04:35.759 --> 00:04:38.720
It's not like you're one of those people, right?
00:04:39.120 --> 00:04:46.879
This is the stage where the people who love you can see the need to change, but you can't.
00:04:47.120 --> 00:04:49.360
Number two, contemplation.
00:04:49.759 --> 00:04:50.959
Now you know.
00:04:51.680 --> 00:04:57.920
You're aware that there's a problem and you're thinking about changing, but you're stuck in the ambivalence.
00:04:58.240 --> 00:05:01.680
You want to stop and you don't want to stop.
00:05:01.920 --> 00:05:05.920
And often in the same hour, sometimes in the same sentence.
00:05:06.160 --> 00:05:09.279
This is the longest stage for some for most people, right?
00:05:09.600 --> 00:05:10.879
Years for some.
00:05:11.680 --> 00:05:14.720
The knowing without the moving, right?
00:05:15.199 --> 00:05:18.000
That stays in this kind of torturous place.
00:05:18.319 --> 00:05:21.600
Number three is the preparation stage.
00:05:21.839 --> 00:05:23.360
You're getting ready to act.
00:05:23.519 --> 00:05:26.560
And this is where the intent becomes visible.
00:05:26.800 --> 00:05:35.360
You're making a plan, you're telling somebody, you're taking small steps, even saying no to the dealer's offer once in a while.
00:05:35.839 --> 00:05:38.399
The appointment with a therapist gets made.
00:05:38.720 --> 00:05:40.399
Sponsor's number gets saved.
00:05:40.560 --> 00:05:43.040
Maybe you do go to a meeting, you clean out a drawer.
00:05:43.199 --> 00:05:45.279
That's where I was that morning.
00:05:47.040 --> 00:05:49.279
Number four is the action.
00:05:50.079 --> 00:05:52.720
This is the real visible change.
00:05:52.879 --> 00:05:53.759
You're doing it.
00:05:54.079 --> 00:05:57.759
This stage takes the most effort of any of them, right?
00:05:57.920 --> 00:06:01.680
And it also carries the highest risk of slipping back.
00:06:02.319 --> 00:06:07.839
You would think that doing would be easier than thinking, but it isn't.
00:06:08.079 --> 00:06:14.160
The doing is the hard part because now you are facing all the shit you've been avoiding for years.
00:06:14.399 --> 00:06:17.680
The stuff that pushed you into chemsex in the first place.
00:06:18.240 --> 00:06:22.079
Number five, the last stage of change is maintenance.
00:06:22.319 --> 00:06:33.040
You've sustained it for six months or more, the work is shifting, your emotions are leveling out, your relationships are enriched, you're finding joy in your life.
00:06:33.279 --> 00:06:36.240
This is where it becomes something other than effort.
00:06:36.480 --> 00:06:42.399
This is where it becomes natural, and this is where the new life feels real and it feels attainable.
00:06:42.560 --> 00:06:46.800
Now, there's a hole in that list, in my opinion.
00:06:46.959 --> 00:06:48.480
To look at it again.
00:06:48.879 --> 00:06:52.720
Stage four is action, stage five is maintenance.
00:06:53.199 --> 00:06:55.920
And maintenance starts at six months.
00:06:56.319 --> 00:06:59.439
So what is the name of the thing between them?
00:06:59.680 --> 00:07:00.959
There isn't one.
00:07:01.199 --> 00:07:04.959
The model jumps from doing it to having done it.
00:07:05.199 --> 00:07:15.279
And the space in between is where most men I've ever coached, probably if you're listening to this, is at.
00:07:15.680 --> 00:07:20.879
And most men have nearly lost their recovery because they're in this stage and they don't know it.
00:07:21.120 --> 00:07:29.120
You're not in the action anymore, not the way you were in week one, but you're not in maintenance because you're still relapsing.
00:07:29.519 --> 00:07:33.040
And six months is a number that feels way out of reach.
00:07:33.199 --> 00:07:42.720
You're in this gap, that liminal stage that I call buffering, where you aren't who you were, but you're not who you are.
00:07:43.600 --> 00:07:53.439
Because so many systems out there, recovery systems, try to force you to jump to abstinence so you feel stuck where you are.
00:07:53.759 --> 00:07:59.759
And this is where the shame of starting at zero every time you use holds you back.
00:08:00.079 --> 00:08:01.839
Nothing is wrong with you.
00:08:02.160 --> 00:08:06.319
You're in a stage, stage 4.5.
00:08:06.720 --> 00:08:08.800
It just doesn't, it doesn't have a number.
00:08:08.879 --> 00:08:09.439
Now it does.
00:08:09.519 --> 00:08:10.480
I'm giving it one.
00:08:10.639 --> 00:08:12.720
So I gave it a number, I gave it a name.
00:08:12.800 --> 00:08:14.879
It's called the becoming.
00:08:15.199 --> 00:08:18.560
I call it the becoming, and I call it 4.5.
00:08:18.639 --> 00:08:22.160
It's a bridge between action and maintenance.
00:08:22.399 --> 00:08:24.639
And this is where most of you are.
00:08:25.040 --> 00:08:29.600
And because it doesn't have a name, you feel lost.
00:08:30.319 --> 00:08:34.399
You feel like you don't belong in any of the stages of change.
00:08:34.639 --> 00:08:36.720
You don't have a name for it.
00:08:37.759 --> 00:08:44.799
So here's what defines this stage: you're taking action and you're still using.
00:08:45.679 --> 00:08:48.480
Both things are true at once.
00:08:48.879 --> 00:08:52.159
The new patterns aren't automatic yet.
00:08:52.480 --> 00:08:57.440
So you're kind of building them by hand every single day.
00:08:57.679 --> 00:09:01.919
And sometimes the old pattern wins the fight, right?
00:09:02.080 --> 00:09:02.639
Wins the day.
00:09:02.720 --> 00:09:04.159
I don't want to say fight.
00:09:04.799 --> 00:09:07.440
You are relying on willpower.
00:09:07.919 --> 00:09:14.320
Willpower and self-control will wax and wane depending on so many factors.
00:09:14.799 --> 00:09:19.679
You cannot rely on how you feel in this stage.
00:09:19.840 --> 00:09:22.960
You cannot rely on how much you want to stop.
00:09:23.200 --> 00:09:30.320
Some days you will want it, and some days you will not, and the days you don't are the days the old patterns will come back.
00:09:30.720 --> 00:09:35.440
You're also facing a plateau in this stage, a leveling out.
00:09:35.600 --> 00:09:41.039
You become disenchanted with recovery techniques, with meetings, with journaling.
00:09:41.200 --> 00:09:44.080
You aren't seeing the immediate results of your work.
00:09:44.320 --> 00:09:51.840
So you succumb to the shame and the self-loathing of how the world frames a relapse.
00:09:52.639 --> 00:09:56.000
So you're in that stage stuck.
00:09:56.639 --> 00:10:05.039
Why I named it becoming is because you haven't become the person who doesn't use myth yet.
00:10:05.600 --> 00:10:08.720
And I don't mean that as an insult or a put down.
00:10:09.039 --> 00:10:10.720
I mean literally.
00:10:10.960 --> 00:10:15.200
You're a version of you on the other side of this.
00:10:15.360 --> 00:10:18.480
There's a version of you on the other side of this.
00:10:19.919 --> 00:10:25.279
Who isn't resisting anything, who is your true self.
00:10:26.480 --> 00:10:31.440
That version doesn't use because using isn't even an option for him anymore.
00:10:32.399 --> 00:10:35.200
He's in that, he's past the maintenance stage, right?
00:10:35.360 --> 00:10:39.200
It's not a decision that he has to make every day.
00:10:39.519 --> 00:10:42.480
It's actually not a decision he makes at all.
00:10:43.840 --> 00:10:45.600
You're not him yet.
00:10:45.840 --> 00:10:50.080
You're still in the process of turning into him, of becoming him.
00:10:50.399 --> 00:10:53.840
So you're not at five and you're not at four.
00:10:54.080 --> 00:10:57.919
You're in iteration, which is an could be another name for this stage.
00:10:58.159 --> 00:11:06.720
And the thing about iteration is that you have to repeat, repeat, repeat for it to work.
00:11:06.879 --> 00:11:15.120
You iteration means you make modifications and you repeat, which changes what a relapse means, right?
00:11:16.960 --> 00:11:18.720
You're oscillating.
00:11:18.960 --> 00:11:23.200
You're moving between the old pattern and the new pattern.
00:11:23.360 --> 00:11:27.200
And your brain is just beginning to change, right?
00:11:27.519 --> 00:11:31.600
New pathways are beginning to be worn in, but they're not there yet.
00:11:31.759 --> 00:11:38.879
So when a slip happens, it is literally information in the form of contrast.
00:11:39.279 --> 00:11:39.759
Contrast.
00:11:40.080 --> 00:11:53.360
In other words, you get to see what you don't want when you use, which will encourage you and stimulate you and activate you to get what you do want.
00:11:53.840 --> 00:11:58.320
Like I said a lot of times, sometimes you have to use to learn how not to use.
00:11:58.559 --> 00:12:14.399
But you have to separate your emotions in this stage and grab on to the faith that every day you are closer to the man you're becoming, regardless of the evidence to the contrary.
00:12:15.200 --> 00:12:21.120
Even though relapse is not evidence to the contrary, it's going to be hard for you not to think that.
00:12:22.320 --> 00:12:29.919
You have to know I am becoming the man who doesn't use, even if you just relapsed.
00:12:31.519 --> 00:12:39.519
In this stage, you have to ignore anything other than evidence that you are becoming the man you want to be.
00:12:39.679 --> 00:12:40.320
The wins.
00:12:41.919 --> 00:12:44.159
This is the mantra of this stage.
00:12:45.440 --> 00:12:50.480
This is something I do until it's something I am.
00:12:51.840 --> 00:12:57.039
This is something I do until it's something I am.
00:12:58.639 --> 00:13:03.279
So what's going to carry you across 4.5 to 5?
00:13:04.639 --> 00:13:06.639
A visceral vision.
00:13:07.360 --> 00:13:09.200
I'm not talking about setting goals.
00:13:09.440 --> 00:13:12.399
A vision is a blueprint for your life.
00:13:13.039 --> 00:13:21.519
This is a picture of who you're becoming, specific enough that you can feel it in your body.
00:13:21.919 --> 00:13:27.440
What is the person who does not use chemsex like?
00:13:28.240 --> 00:13:29.360
Who is he?
00:13:29.600 --> 00:13:31.600
What is his state of consciousness?
00:13:31.759 --> 00:13:32.960
How does he wake up?
00:13:33.120 --> 00:13:34.639
Who's in his life?
00:13:34.960 --> 00:13:42.000
For me, he was sitting at a table with my kids without the next hookup running in the back of my mind.
00:13:42.240 --> 00:13:49.840
Being fully present, I could hear our conversation, taste our dinner, feel the gratitude as I looked at their faces.
00:13:50.080 --> 00:14:00.000
That picture carried me through some very bad nights, asking myself, are you your past self or are you your future self?
00:14:00.240 --> 00:14:02.639
Sometimes I chose my past self.
00:14:03.360 --> 00:14:07.200
Write your vision down in full detail.
00:14:07.440 --> 00:14:12.159
Use the five senses and come into contact with that future self.
00:14:12.399 --> 00:14:15.600
In my program, we call this the prophetic vision.
00:14:15.840 --> 00:14:17.519
What else carries you through?
00:14:17.840 --> 00:14:19.360
Your why.
00:14:19.759 --> 00:14:21.919
Why do you want to stop?
00:14:22.320 --> 00:14:25.919
Is the reason held up in your reasoning?
00:14:26.320 --> 00:14:30.399
In other words, is it because chem sex is bad?
00:14:30.639 --> 00:14:33.120
Is it because you may lose your job?
00:14:33.279 --> 00:14:35.279
Is it because your partner might leave you?
00:14:35.440 --> 00:14:37.600
Is it because your friends will disown you?
00:14:37.840 --> 00:14:46.879
Your health, money, legal trouble, those reasons will not carry you through long-term sustainable recovery.
00:14:47.200 --> 00:14:57.519
When your why drops from the head into the heart space, you can connect with a vision strong enough to carry you through that 2 a.m.
00:14:57.840 --> 00:14:59.360
pool to go use.
00:15:00.399 --> 00:15:04.399
A heart-led why is about identity.
00:15:04.879 --> 00:15:12.720
It may sound something like I am a person who lives meth free in a state of self-love, aligned with my values.
00:15:12.960 --> 00:15:14.879
That's why I'm stopping.
00:15:15.200 --> 00:15:19.360
Or I am becoming the best and highest version of myself.
00:15:19.600 --> 00:15:27.120
Those reasons are about you, who you fundamentally are in the core of your soul.
00:15:27.360 --> 00:15:36.879
Those types of whys dig deep and fundamentally alter how you think, how you speak, and how you act.
00:15:39.759 --> 00:15:41.919
So, what does this look like?
00:15:42.240 --> 00:15:56.320
In this stage, you stay honest about the oscillation of where you are instead of pretending that you're all good and that you have made it to the maintenance stage.
00:15:56.720 --> 00:16:02.799
Fully admitting when you don't feel ready to stop is part of this stage.
00:16:02.879 --> 00:16:05.759
It's honesty, it's transparency.
00:16:06.080 --> 00:16:16.639
Radical honesty is going to set you free, and you use the slips as data instead of proof of your failure.
00:16:17.200 --> 00:16:28.720
You are going to ignore any evidence contrary to your becoming, so you don't invest energy in perceived failures.
00:16:29.360 --> 00:16:32.639
Nothing is a failure in this stage.
00:16:32.960 --> 00:16:43.200
Every single thing that occurs is happening for you to come out on the other side, the man who doesn't partake in chemsex.
00:16:44.000 --> 00:16:45.279
No question.
00:16:46.879 --> 00:16:58.960
Next you decide on a daily anchor, one consistent daily action that brings you back out of autopilot and reminds yourself of your journey.
00:16:59.279 --> 00:17:05.519
That daily anchor might be reading your vision and taking time to imagine it coming true.
00:17:06.000 --> 00:17:16.480
Any daily action, anything that creates an activation in your emotions, you want to deeply feel what it is like to be that man.
00:17:18.000 --> 00:17:25.839
Remind yourself every day regardless of how you feel and what's happening around you, you do the daily action.
00:17:26.160 --> 00:17:33.119
You do until you are over and over and over.
00:17:33.920 --> 00:17:40.160
You stop waiting to feel ready because readiness isn't a feeling you wait for.
00:17:40.640 --> 00:17:47.279
It's an action, it's something you build one anchored day at a time.
00:17:48.559 --> 00:17:57.680
And you hold on to the fact that the timeline for this stage is never prescribed by you or by anybody else.
00:17:59.119 --> 00:18:12.880
You give yourself grace, patience, mercy, and you cling to every win, no matter how tiny every day.
00:18:16.000 --> 00:18:16.880
So where are you?
00:18:17.599 --> 00:18:19.440
Did you see yourself in this?
00:18:20.240 --> 00:18:22.240
Are you in stage 4.5?
00:18:23.039 --> 00:18:24.400
What are you becoming?
00:18:25.200 --> 00:18:26.799
I want you to keep pushing.
00:18:27.599 --> 00:18:29.759
I want you to create your vision.
00:18:30.400 --> 00:18:34.160
I want you to adopt a consistent action every day.
00:18:34.960 --> 00:18:43.599
Repeat, repeat, repeat, regardless of relapse, regardless of how you feel.
00:18:44.720 --> 00:18:46.559
Just take the next action.
00:18:47.039 --> 00:18:50.799
Separate yourself from your emotions here.
00:18:52.240 --> 00:18:53.200
Zoom out.
00:18:54.240 --> 00:18:56.799
See the long game here.
00:18:58.160 --> 00:19:03.039
See the stages and be okay with where you are.
00:19:05.759 --> 00:19:09.119
What you do until you are.
00:19:15.039 --> 00:19:19.119
So I've created a little document to demonstrate these stages.
00:19:20.000 --> 00:19:21.920
Want to share it real quick here.
00:19:24.720 --> 00:19:27.839
And I'll put the link in the show notes.
00:19:28.400 --> 00:19:30.880
Or not in the show notes, in the study guide.
00:19:32.079 --> 00:19:41.039
So I've listed the stages pre-contemplation, contemplation, preparation, action, and maintenance.
00:19:41.119 --> 00:19:44.799
And in there, I've inserted the becoming.
00:19:45.680 --> 00:19:49.200
You're taking action, but you may still be relapsing.
00:19:49.359 --> 00:19:51.440
The new patterns aren't automatic yet.
00:19:51.519 --> 00:19:52.480
That's okay.
00:19:52.720 --> 00:19:58.400
You cannot rely on willpower, self-control, how you feel, or how bad you want it.
00:19:59.200 --> 00:20:07.119
What carries you across is daily anchoring, the consistent thing you do, whether or not you're in the mood.
00:20:07.759 --> 00:20:12.240
Something you do until it's something you are.
00:20:13.279 --> 00:20:19.119
Something you do until it's something you are.
00:20:20.160 --> 00:20:24.400
Powered by a prophetic vision and your why.
00:20:24.880 --> 00:20:25.440
Why?
00:20:25.759 --> 00:20:31.200
Not why do you want to stop using, but why are you the person who stops using?
00:20:32.400 --> 00:20:37.519
And then at the bottom, something I do until it's something I am.
00:20:39.759 --> 00:20:40.079
Okay.
00:20:40.319 --> 00:20:42.559
Let me figure out how to stop sharing that.
00:20:42.799 --> 00:20:43.359
Alright.
00:20:43.920 --> 00:20:46.480
So I hope this helps.
00:20:47.039 --> 00:20:49.279
You can you can download this document.
00:20:49.440 --> 00:20:51.920
Feel free to save it, print it, believe it.
00:20:52.880 --> 00:20:54.319
I believe in you.
00:20:55.759 --> 00:20:59.440
Now it's time for you to believe in you.
00:21:00.400 --> 00:21:04.559
If somebody tells you what your day one should be, fuck them.
00:21:06.640 --> 00:21:12.480
Somebody tells you that you need to move on from 4.5 to 5, fuck them.
00:21:14.640 --> 00:21:17.680
You are the executive of your recovery.
00:21:18.000 --> 00:21:21.039
You're in the right place at the right time.
00:21:21.519 --> 00:21:25.200
There's no better place to be than where you are right now.
00:21:25.279 --> 00:21:28.480
There's no better person to be than who you are right now.
00:21:30.160 --> 00:21:31.519
Settle into that.
00:21:32.480 --> 00:21:40.640
Only see the winds, ignore the haters, and know you are on your way out.
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Hope this helps, and I'll see you next week.
