WEBVTT
00:00:02.089 --> 00:00:05.169
Welcome to the Optimizing Beyond podcast. I'm
00:00:05.169 --> 00:00:07.389
Josh Negron, and this show is all about sharing
00:00:07.389 --> 00:00:11.109
lessons, ideas, and strategies that sharpen your
00:00:11.109 --> 00:00:13.949
thinking, strengthen your habits, and push you
00:00:13.949 --> 00:00:17.050
to grow beyond comfort zones. Let's dive in.
00:00:20.629 --> 00:00:23.910
All right, this week I am joined again by my
00:00:23.910 --> 00:00:27.190
lovely wife, and we are discussing a heavier
00:00:27.190 --> 00:00:29.800
topic. This week we are discussing... how to
00:00:29.800 --> 00:00:32.899
deal with loss. And this is pretty personal to
00:00:32.899 --> 00:00:36.159
us this week because Eric Dwyer, the young man
00:00:36.159 --> 00:00:38.759
that was on the show with me just a few episodes
00:00:38.759 --> 00:00:41.259
ago, lost his wife. And that was a dear friend
00:00:41.259 --> 00:00:44.020
of ours. And so if you haven't seen that episode,
00:00:44.100 --> 00:00:46.539
I highly encourage you. That episode was about
00:00:46.539 --> 00:00:50.820
how to optimize when life isn't optimal. And
00:00:50.820 --> 00:00:54.079
I'll tell you, he was doing the duties of a hospice
00:00:54.079 --> 00:00:57.280
nurse at that point in his family. And so I would
00:00:57.280 --> 00:01:00.020
say those things he was discussing were from
00:01:00.020 --> 00:01:03.420
the deepest point of knowledge and understanding.
00:01:03.659 --> 00:01:05.939
So I highly encourage you to catch that episode
00:01:05.939 --> 00:01:08.379
if you haven't already, because the proof is
00:01:08.379 --> 00:01:12.819
in the pudding. And now that it's over, I think
00:01:12.819 --> 00:01:16.280
that episode is even more strong than it was
00:01:16.280 --> 00:01:19.040
when we were just speaking in a little bit more
00:01:19.040 --> 00:01:21.640
vague terms, because he was keeping some of the
00:01:21.640 --> 00:01:23.900
privacy for his family as he was shooting that
00:01:23.900 --> 00:01:26.849
episode, right? What we want to talk about today
00:01:26.849 --> 00:01:29.969
is just some key observations from last week
00:01:29.969 --> 00:01:33.450
from us on what we noticed going through this
00:01:33.450 --> 00:01:37.430
arguably probably one of the closest losses that
00:01:37.430 --> 00:01:39.829
we've experienced in our lives that wasn't, you
00:01:39.829 --> 00:01:42.989
know, an older individual like a grandparent
00:01:42.989 --> 00:01:46.849
or even a parent actually. So this is a peer
00:01:46.849 --> 00:01:51.390
of ours under 40. And that was, I would say it
00:01:51.390 --> 00:01:54.849
hits different. Yeah. And so this is such a critical
00:01:54.849 --> 00:01:57.989
topic because it's not if you experience a loss,
00:01:58.150 --> 00:02:01.829
it's really when. And so most people are not
00:02:01.829 --> 00:02:04.769
who is fully prepared for something like that.
00:02:04.909 --> 00:02:08.030
And I had someone at work this week say that
00:02:08.030 --> 00:02:10.289
they're not really good with death. And I was
00:02:10.289 --> 00:02:13.389
like, Hang on a second. I don't think I don't
00:02:13.389 --> 00:02:15.770
think any of us are. And I don't think that is
00:02:15.770 --> 00:02:18.530
how it was designed, quite frankly. So we're
00:02:18.530 --> 00:02:20.490
going to cover some of our observations and then
00:02:20.490 --> 00:02:23.469
just some things that you can do that we are
00:02:23.469 --> 00:02:25.990
familiar with that we want to share coming out
00:02:25.990 --> 00:02:27.909
of this that, you know, if you're going through
00:02:27.909 --> 00:02:30.830
this or or just looking to see what you can do
00:02:30.830 --> 00:02:33.729
when you do get through this. And then if you
00:02:33.729 --> 00:02:35.669
have gone through it and you have some tips and
00:02:35.669 --> 00:02:38.039
tricks. I'd love you to share in the comments
00:02:38.039 --> 00:02:41.300
just for anyone that can glean that wisdom. So
00:02:41.300 --> 00:02:44.120
first things, probably my favorite observation
00:02:44.120 --> 00:02:49.039
from this last week was just the incredible amount
00:02:49.039 --> 00:02:52.300
of laughter among the tears and the emotions.
00:02:52.360 --> 00:02:54.580
Ashley, did you notice that as much as I did?
00:02:54.990 --> 00:02:58.909
Yeah. The dichotomy of that really was interesting
00:02:58.909 --> 00:03:02.449
as we came home from the hospital last week from
00:03:02.449 --> 00:03:04.830
getting to say, see you later to Sarah. And we
00:03:04.830 --> 00:03:07.849
commented about how the room was full of, at
00:03:07.849 --> 00:03:10.550
times it was, yeah, there was, there was tears
00:03:10.550 --> 00:03:13.610
and we were, you know, mourning together. And
00:03:13.610 --> 00:03:15.710
then at other times we're laughing and sharing
00:03:15.710 --> 00:03:18.810
stories. Sarah was so much of a prankster and
00:03:18.810 --> 00:03:21.509
she had such a good sense of humor that it was.
00:03:22.349 --> 00:03:24.909
It felt important to share those stories. In
00:03:24.909 --> 00:03:27.370
fact, actually, her dad thanked us for all of
00:03:27.370 --> 00:03:29.870
the crazy stories from when Sarah had been in
00:03:29.870 --> 00:03:33.370
college and in her 20s, from that season of life.
00:03:33.509 --> 00:03:35.270
He's like, as a parent, you don't get to hear
00:03:35.270 --> 00:03:38.590
about those things. And that season of life tends
00:03:38.590 --> 00:03:41.830
to be when someone's moving on from their parents'
00:03:41.949 --> 00:03:43.490
house, but they're trying to figure out that
00:03:43.490 --> 00:03:46.270
relationship again. And so he just loved hearing
00:03:46.270 --> 00:03:50.409
those stories and such great times of connection.
00:03:50.610 --> 00:03:52.479
For people that we went to college, with everyone
00:03:52.479 --> 00:03:55.639
sharing stories and laughing and mourning together
00:03:55.639 --> 00:03:58.560
and talking about all of the ways that Sarah
00:03:58.560 --> 00:04:01.819
had touched our lives. Yeah, I'll say there,
00:04:01.979 --> 00:04:04.000
I mean, it probably is some of the characters
00:04:04.000 --> 00:04:08.699
that we're all friends with that are more, that
00:04:08.699 --> 00:04:11.819
are very gifted in humor. But I mean, I feel
00:04:11.819 --> 00:04:14.759
like during the, after the funeral, we were all
00:04:14.759 --> 00:04:18.360
talking and like you said. going over memories
00:04:18.360 --> 00:04:21.180
and things like that. And my face hurt from laughing
00:04:21.180 --> 00:04:24.779
and smiling so much. And so I'll be honest, that's
00:04:24.779 --> 00:04:27.019
not something that I expected. And I really do
00:04:27.019 --> 00:04:30.199
think that if done right, that tension between
00:04:30.199 --> 00:04:33.680
the two can be very therapeutic. I don't know
00:04:33.680 --> 00:04:35.920
if everyone's okay with that. There were a couple
00:04:35.920 --> 00:04:37.620
of times that we were laughing and carrying on
00:04:37.620 --> 00:04:39.800
that I wondered if there were some people that
00:04:39.800 --> 00:04:43.100
weren't fans of what. Of us enjoying ourselves,
00:04:43.319 --> 00:04:45.680
right? But that's the difference. This was labeled
00:04:45.680 --> 00:04:47.980
a celebration of life, right? And I think that's
00:04:47.980 --> 00:04:51.620
a cool distinction. And I think, too, part of
00:04:51.620 --> 00:04:54.100
the difference is it was from a place of joy.
00:04:54.519 --> 00:04:56.939
You know, the difference there, I think, too,
00:04:57.040 --> 00:04:59.560
in the laughter and in those moments is true,
00:04:59.660 --> 00:05:03.459
authentic joy. But even in the middle of arguably
00:05:03.459 --> 00:05:06.439
for most of us, it was one of the toughest weeks
00:05:06.439 --> 00:05:10.819
of our lives. There was this ultimate. joy, and
00:05:10.819 --> 00:05:14.319
this sense of gratitude and so grateful and thankful
00:05:14.319 --> 00:05:16.500
for the friendship and the relationship that
00:05:16.500 --> 00:05:19.800
we had with Sarah and for the way in which that
00:05:19.800 --> 00:05:22.180
she impacted our life. And I think, you know,
00:05:22.199 --> 00:05:24.459
anyone that knew her would have known like how
00:05:24.459 --> 00:05:28.100
much she would have enjoyed that celebration,
00:05:28.360 --> 00:05:30.839
how much she would have enjoyed all of those
00:05:30.839 --> 00:05:33.540
friends being together, all of that family being
00:05:33.540 --> 00:05:38.029
together. And just enjoying a good time together.
00:05:38.170 --> 00:05:40.329
The only thing we were missing was playing some
00:05:40.329 --> 00:05:43.889
kind of a game because Sarah loved games. But,
00:05:43.889 --> 00:05:46.769
you know, I have so many memories to take away
00:05:46.769 --> 00:05:49.750
from this last week. Yeah, absolutely. And one
00:05:49.750 --> 00:05:52.329
of the other ones that I enjoyed was watching
00:05:52.329 --> 00:05:56.430
her stepmom playing with her grandson. And so
00:05:56.430 --> 00:06:00.740
that was super cool to just see. The laughter
00:06:00.740 --> 00:06:03.079
of a young child that doesn't fully understand
00:06:03.079 --> 00:06:06.000
what's going on because he's so young. And the
00:06:06.000 --> 00:06:10.819
grandmother is able to enjoy the kid, especially
00:06:10.819 --> 00:06:14.439
a young boy who's rambunctious and loud in a
00:06:14.439 --> 00:06:17.579
hospice house and just play with him in the living
00:06:17.579 --> 00:06:19.800
room. And that was such a fun thing to watch
00:06:19.800 --> 00:06:23.360
in a time, honestly, that was super, super heavy
00:06:23.360 --> 00:06:26.560
and grim, right? What thoughts did you have when
00:06:26.560 --> 00:06:29.009
you watched that exchange? I think it's that
00:06:29.009 --> 00:06:32.449
reminder that we still have to keep doing life
00:06:32.449 --> 00:06:36.990
and that the cycle of life is going to keep going
00:06:36.990 --> 00:06:40.470
and that death is a part of that, but it's what
00:06:40.470 --> 00:06:43.490
we do with that that can make such a difference.
00:06:44.970 --> 00:06:47.769
I will say that while all of us were incredibly
00:06:47.769 --> 00:06:51.889
sad, and because we're going to miss Sarah, we
00:06:51.889 --> 00:06:55.629
also have so much hope and so much joy and so
00:06:55.629 --> 00:06:58.170
much love. And so I think that that was one of
00:06:58.170 --> 00:07:00.230
those things that kind of, while it was such
00:07:00.230 --> 00:07:03.850
a heavy day, my soul also left refreshed and
00:07:03.850 --> 00:07:07.189
overflowing in a way that I genuinely didn't
00:07:07.189 --> 00:07:10.509
expect. Same. Yeah, absolutely. And I think that
00:07:10.509 --> 00:07:13.709
was one of my other observations too, in what
00:07:13.709 --> 00:07:17.470
you said about, how much this loss brought so
00:07:17.470 --> 00:07:19.610
many of us back together. I mean, there were
00:07:19.610 --> 00:07:22.149
a lot of people I hadn't seen for over 20 years
00:07:22.149 --> 00:07:25.209
that were brought together because of this incredible
00:07:25.209 --> 00:07:29.829
individual, Sarah. And that was, that just, that
00:07:29.829 --> 00:07:32.610
made an impact on me that, you know, that we
00:07:32.610 --> 00:07:37.290
all reunited, not because of a school reunion
00:07:37.290 --> 00:07:40.449
or family reunion, but because we were all connected
00:07:40.449 --> 00:07:44.009
to one person, a very, very influential person.
00:07:44.540 --> 00:07:46.759
I mean, honestly, over a thousand people attended
00:07:46.759 --> 00:07:50.620
combined online and in person. That's crazy town.
00:07:50.800 --> 00:07:54.279
And so just shows just shows that so powerfully.
00:07:54.319 --> 00:07:57.600
And then the last observation that I want to
00:07:57.600 --> 00:08:02.870
discuss is. The faith piece now, obviously, we're
00:08:02.870 --> 00:08:06.790
people of faith. And so that is something that
00:08:06.790 --> 00:08:09.230
is closely tied to this conversation of loss,
00:08:09.430 --> 00:08:11.230
obviously, that we have a hope that's different,
00:08:11.329 --> 00:08:13.829
that we believe that there's something beyond.
00:08:13.949 --> 00:08:18.709
And one thing that I will say is I went to support
00:08:18.709 --> 00:08:21.670
my friend who was losing his wife, and I left
00:08:21.670 --> 00:08:25.370
being encouraged by him rather than the other
00:08:25.370 --> 00:08:31.259
way around, it felt like. Just the radiance of
00:08:31.259 --> 00:08:36.059
what I would say, the radiance of God on his
00:08:36.059 --> 00:08:38.240
face and the joy that he was feeling and the
00:08:38.240 --> 00:08:39.860
memories that he was spreading. It was something
00:08:39.860 --> 00:08:42.940
that I totally didn't expect. And from a person
00:08:42.940 --> 00:08:46.500
who's a Christian, I would say that it's evident
00:08:46.500 --> 00:08:50.740
of somebody who has been very faithful in their
00:08:50.740 --> 00:08:53.399
faith because we believe that God's always there.
00:08:53.700 --> 00:08:56.440
And so if he's evident, it's not just because
00:08:56.440 --> 00:08:59.950
he's there, because he's always there. when when
00:08:59.950 --> 00:09:03.730
when people are able to see him through you it's
00:09:03.730 --> 00:09:06.470
because you've been with him yeah right and i
00:09:06.470 --> 00:09:09.269
just i've never seen anything like it he did
00:09:09.269 --> 00:09:12.490
the funeral which you know i don't i know a lot
00:09:12.490 --> 00:09:15.590
of preachers and most of them are like yep nope
00:09:15.590 --> 00:09:18.490
not me that's that's crazy he made it through
00:09:18.490 --> 00:09:22.269
extremely gracefully and and i think I have some
00:09:22.269 --> 00:09:25.190
beliefs as to why that is. And that's just one
00:09:25.190 --> 00:09:27.570
of my observations. I couldn't help it that that
00:09:27.570 --> 00:09:30.649
was, I think that that was supernatural. I don't
00:09:30.649 --> 00:09:33.730
think that was entirely Eric doing that. I think
00:09:33.730 --> 00:09:36.649
it was someone working through him in his weakness,
00:09:36.690 --> 00:09:40.210
in his lowest, hardest, most suffering -filled
00:09:40.210 --> 00:09:42.730
moment. There was someone else working through
00:09:42.730 --> 00:09:45.250
him and with him. And that is just something
00:09:45.250 --> 00:09:49.279
I'll never forget. And so moving on to the practical
00:09:49.279 --> 00:09:52.659
habits and practices that we think can be really
00:09:52.659 --> 00:09:55.759
helpful if you find yourself in a moment in time
00:09:55.759 --> 00:09:58.879
like this, then the first thing is around community,
00:09:59.059 --> 00:10:02.820
right? People are not made to be alone. And so
00:10:02.820 --> 00:10:06.100
it is important for you to pursue community and
00:10:06.100 --> 00:10:08.740
pursue people. And I want to highlight two different
00:10:08.740 --> 00:10:12.639
groups here. One, firstly, being the pursuing
00:10:12.639 --> 00:10:15.960
people who have also lost the same person you
00:10:15.960 --> 00:10:18.320
have. I think that's important because those
00:10:18.320 --> 00:10:20.980
people understand that loss. They're feeling
00:10:20.980 --> 00:10:24.620
it with you and it allows you to grieve alongside
00:10:24.620 --> 00:10:28.039
others, right? And so how's that? How's that
00:10:28.039 --> 00:10:31.789
important for you, Ash? Yeah, you know, you need
00:10:31.789 --> 00:10:33.909
people in your life who have walked the same
00:10:33.909 --> 00:10:37.809
road that you have because those roads can be
00:10:37.809 --> 00:10:42.809
long and hard and dark at times. And so the things
00:10:42.809 --> 00:10:44.490
that you're experiencing are never something
00:10:44.490 --> 00:10:46.970
that no one has ever experienced before. Someone
00:10:46.970 --> 00:10:48.769
has experienced the same kind of loss in the
00:10:48.769 --> 00:10:52.389
same kind of way that you have. And so find people
00:10:52.389 --> 00:10:55.409
who have been there, who understand. those of
00:10:55.409 --> 00:10:57.830
all of the emotions because there's so many of
00:10:57.830 --> 00:11:00.570
them and and allow them to walk that path with
00:11:00.570 --> 00:11:02.389
you you know one of the ways that you can do
00:11:02.389 --> 00:11:04.789
that too is there there are all kinds of grief
00:11:04.789 --> 00:11:07.590
share groups all over the place and sometimes
00:11:07.590 --> 00:11:09.870
they're through churches sometimes they're through
00:11:09.870 --> 00:11:11.870
community centers whatever that that looks like
00:11:11.870 --> 00:11:14.950
find people who can help walk that road with
00:11:14.950 --> 00:11:19.350
you um and and dig into that the want to just
00:11:19.350 --> 00:11:22.059
you know go and hide under the covers is going
00:11:22.059 --> 00:11:26.080
to be so real. You know, we're, we're not even
00:11:26.080 --> 00:11:30.820
a week out of this loss. And I even told you
00:11:30.820 --> 00:11:34.360
this morning, like all I wanted to do today was
00:11:34.360 --> 00:11:38.340
nothing. I wanted to just stay under the covers
00:11:38.340 --> 00:11:41.120
today because it was hard and I was really sad,
00:11:41.220 --> 00:11:44.940
but I knew that that's not what Sarah would have
00:11:44.940 --> 00:11:49.620
wanted for me. And so it's, It's finding people
00:11:49.620 --> 00:11:52.299
who understand those emotions and can help you
00:11:52.299 --> 00:11:54.740
process them who have walked that same road.
00:11:54.960 --> 00:11:57.279
And by that very same token, I think it's also
00:11:57.279 --> 00:12:00.340
important to seek out people. I mean, everyone's
00:12:00.340 --> 00:12:02.059
lost someone, right? So you're going to gain
00:12:02.059 --> 00:12:04.740
that from really anyone. But I do think it's
00:12:04.740 --> 00:12:06.879
also important to distinguish people in your
00:12:06.879 --> 00:12:10.500
life that haven't lost this individual either.
00:12:10.759 --> 00:12:13.700
Because I think that gives you some distance.
00:12:14.200 --> 00:12:16.379
and some additional perspective when you're trying
00:12:16.379 --> 00:12:18.480
to heal, right? That way it's not the blind leading
00:12:18.480 --> 00:12:20.919
the blind. Everyone has, you know, that same
00:12:20.919 --> 00:12:24.259
grief. I think it's important to also talk to
00:12:24.259 --> 00:12:27.799
people that while they have lost someone and
00:12:27.799 --> 00:12:31.200
they can identify, they're not in this particular
00:12:31.200 --> 00:12:34.080
loss, this particular valley at the same time.
00:12:34.139 --> 00:12:36.830
Does that make sense? Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely.
00:12:36.990 --> 00:12:39.789
And then the third dimension of community is
00:12:39.789 --> 00:12:41.990
going to be similar to what Ashley said in the
00:12:41.990 --> 00:12:44.429
finding groups and things like that. But sometimes
00:12:44.429 --> 00:12:47.710
the loss is severe enough that finding some professional
00:12:47.710 --> 00:12:50.690
help can be appropriate, right? So the help of
00:12:50.690 --> 00:12:53.409
a counselor, a therapist, something like that
00:12:53.409 --> 00:12:56.200
to help you get through. A lot of times, I've
00:12:56.200 --> 00:12:58.179
known parents who have lost children and those
00:12:58.179 --> 00:13:02.919
can be extremely devastating. And so in the desire
00:13:02.919 --> 00:13:05.679
to preserve your marriage and move forward together,
00:13:05.899 --> 00:13:08.080
because people grieve differently. right? And
00:13:08.080 --> 00:13:10.539
so how do you deal with that in a healthy way
00:13:10.539 --> 00:13:13.159
and together, but also separately, right? And
00:13:13.159 --> 00:13:15.179
so someone can help walk you through that. And
00:13:15.179 --> 00:13:18.179
moving on into some internal processing, what
00:13:18.179 --> 00:13:21.700
is the main habit that you think is helpful for
00:13:21.700 --> 00:13:23.659
processing through something like this? Yeah,
00:13:23.740 --> 00:13:26.259
well, first and foremost, we've talked about
00:13:26.259 --> 00:13:28.879
gratitude several different times, but have been
00:13:28.879 --> 00:13:31.700
so thankful for that habit, especially this last
00:13:31.700 --> 00:13:35.080
week in the ability to actually use it to reflect
00:13:35.080 --> 00:13:38.740
a little bit and to Look and see all of the moments
00:13:38.740 --> 00:13:41.039
of the good things that happened in the midst
00:13:41.039 --> 00:13:43.860
of the hard. Because as I start recounting those
00:13:43.860 --> 00:13:45.740
days and those things that have happened, like
00:13:45.740 --> 00:13:49.799
there's so many good, amazing things that happened
00:13:49.799 --> 00:13:52.539
in so many ways that, you know, honestly, like
00:13:52.539 --> 00:13:56.450
as a believer, I saw the Lord show up. over and
00:13:56.450 --> 00:13:58.350
over and over again in the last week. And so
00:13:58.350 --> 00:14:01.309
that's an opportunity for me to bookmark those
00:14:01.309 --> 00:14:04.250
and to kind of mark those days and those experiences
00:14:04.250 --> 00:14:06.789
and those moments in some stone and to write
00:14:06.789 --> 00:14:09.389
them down and to have that to look back at later
00:14:09.389 --> 00:14:14.039
and to reflect on. Yeah, with gratitude on the
00:14:14.039 --> 00:14:17.419
cool things that happened in those days. And
00:14:17.419 --> 00:14:19.200
then, you know, obviously, again, as someone
00:14:19.200 --> 00:14:22.419
who is a believer, being anchored and being tied
00:14:22.419 --> 00:14:26.659
to the Lord and to his word, that habit has been
00:14:26.659 --> 00:14:29.659
part of what has also sustained over the last
00:14:29.659 --> 00:14:33.370
week and allowed this peace. That literally I
00:14:33.370 --> 00:14:36.250
have zero explanation from other than him. And
00:14:36.250 --> 00:14:39.169
so, you know, those for me personally have been
00:14:39.169 --> 00:14:42.629
the two like bedrock anger habits for me over
00:14:42.629 --> 00:14:45.950
the last week. Same. And for me, another one
00:14:45.950 --> 00:14:49.769
has been to allow. the processing of emotions.
00:14:50.110 --> 00:14:52.409
And I think that's important to say because,
00:14:52.450 --> 00:14:55.429
first of all, as a man, that is something that
00:14:55.429 --> 00:14:58.929
is difficult for men to do. And I know stoicism
00:14:58.929 --> 00:15:01.929
has a place and men need to be strong, and I
00:15:01.929 --> 00:15:04.269
get that, and I'm not advocating for men to be
00:15:04.269 --> 00:15:06.049
blubbering idiots and those kinds of things.
00:15:06.110 --> 00:15:09.009
But when things are appropriate... heartbreaking.
00:15:09.950 --> 00:15:12.710
I don't think there's anything wrong with processing
00:15:12.710 --> 00:15:16.269
those emotions. And that can sometimes involve
00:15:16.269 --> 00:15:18.970
outwardly processing those. And that's tough
00:15:18.970 --> 00:15:22.330
because again, I find a lot of language that
00:15:22.330 --> 00:15:25.730
people use around crying or things like that
00:15:25.730 --> 00:15:28.769
negative. You know what I mean? Like, just think
00:15:28.769 --> 00:15:30.590
about it. Think about how people talk about,
00:15:30.710 --> 00:15:32.830
you're like, oh man, I did really good today.
00:15:32.870 --> 00:15:36.190
I didn't cry once. Right? What do you mean did
00:15:36.190 --> 00:15:39.830
really good? Or Yeah, you know, like, I broke
00:15:39.830 --> 00:15:41.990
down several times. So like, that was frustrating.
00:15:42.090 --> 00:15:45.289
And it Yeah, you know, and so a lot of that language
00:15:45.289 --> 00:15:49.649
is negative around, you know, having a breakdown
00:15:49.649 --> 00:15:53.289
or crying or whatever. And so I really do think
00:15:53.289 --> 00:15:55.830
that that is not the healthiest way to look at
00:15:55.830 --> 00:15:58.490
that, especially if it involves suppressing those
00:15:58.490 --> 00:16:00.889
emotions and pushing them down and ignoring them
00:16:00.889 --> 00:16:03.740
and trying to trying to muscle through like a
00:16:03.740 --> 00:16:06.279
lot of guys will do. I just don't think that's
00:16:06.279 --> 00:16:09.059
the best path forward. And so I think people
00:16:09.059 --> 00:16:11.360
can try to change the narrative and understand
00:16:11.360 --> 00:16:15.460
that that's okay and it's okay not to be okay
00:16:15.460 --> 00:16:18.639
and to process those emotions in a healthy way.
00:16:18.919 --> 00:16:21.620
I told a friend a long time ago that if you don't
00:16:21.620 --> 00:16:24.620
deal with this now, that it will deal with you
00:16:24.620 --> 00:16:28.110
later. And so if you bottle it up, Congratulations.
00:16:28.110 --> 00:16:30.429
In 10 years, it's going to look entirely different
00:16:30.429 --> 00:16:33.029
and it'll probably be 10 times harder to fix
00:16:33.029 --> 00:16:36.169
or address. And then lastly, Ashley touched on
00:16:36.169 --> 00:16:39.690
it in processing internally. If you're a person
00:16:39.690 --> 00:16:43.169
of any type of faith, this is where that faith
00:16:43.169 --> 00:16:47.509
is going to be tested and could be a huge blessing
00:16:47.509 --> 00:16:50.269
in your life in certain contexts. So we highly
00:16:50.269 --> 00:16:53.830
encourage you to find someone to help you with
00:16:53.830 --> 00:16:57.190
that. because it can be a very fruitful well
00:16:57.190 --> 00:17:00.610
of hope for you in a time like this, for sure.
00:17:00.750 --> 00:17:02.690
And when you experience something like this,
00:17:02.809 --> 00:17:06.170
it does also kind of give you a different perspective,
00:17:06.269 --> 00:17:08.609
right? To seize the day, to live differently.
00:17:09.009 --> 00:17:12.650
And so we listed out some things of where, you
00:17:12.650 --> 00:17:15.549
know, it kind of changes how you live and kind
00:17:15.549 --> 00:17:17.250
of gives you a slightly different perspective
00:17:17.250 --> 00:17:20.190
where things aren't finite, you know, that, you
00:17:20.190 --> 00:17:21.670
know, we're not all going to be here forever.
00:17:22.210 --> 00:17:24.730
And because of that, we approach things quite
00:17:24.730 --> 00:17:28.109
differently. So the first one being show up for
00:17:28.109 --> 00:17:30.410
those you love, right? Ashley, that's one of
00:17:30.410 --> 00:17:32.230
the ones you listed. Why did you put that down?
00:17:32.369 --> 00:17:35.809
I think it's because that's part of how we build
00:17:35.809 --> 00:17:38.470
that relationship and that connection with the
00:17:38.470 --> 00:17:41.990
people that we love is by showing up. not just
00:17:41.990 --> 00:17:44.549
in the good moments, but also, you know, in the
00:17:44.549 --> 00:17:47.670
hard. We're all going to experience so many different
00:17:47.670 --> 00:17:50.910
things in life. And you need a crew of people
00:17:50.910 --> 00:17:53.009
around you who will show up for you. But then
00:17:53.009 --> 00:17:55.309
in the same token, you have to be the one who's
00:17:55.309 --> 00:17:57.789
also willing to show up for other people, you
00:17:57.789 --> 00:18:00.579
know, and to. Be the one who's willing to jump
00:18:00.579 --> 00:18:04.500
in the car and to drive three hours or to, you
00:18:04.500 --> 00:18:06.779
know, whatever that that looks like to show up
00:18:06.779 --> 00:18:09.180
and to be there for people. Because you can say
00:18:09.180 --> 00:18:11.660
a lot of things, but your actions are going to
00:18:11.660 --> 00:18:14.140
speak so much louder than just your words. And
00:18:14.140 --> 00:18:17.619
so show up, be present, you know, usually that's
00:18:17.619 --> 00:18:19.480
going to come with some kind of sacrifice on
00:18:19.480 --> 00:18:22.599
your end. But know that in the end, like that
00:18:22.599 --> 00:18:26.460
will always be worth it. You will always. be
00:18:26.460 --> 00:18:29.220
thankful that you showed up. 100%. And on the
00:18:29.220 --> 00:18:31.660
other end of that, you mentioned is saying words.
00:18:32.019 --> 00:18:34.940
And so something that's taught me, like, I think
00:18:34.940 --> 00:18:37.299
that's something that hits me the hardest at
00:18:37.299 --> 00:18:40.259
times of loss is knowing the reality when it
00:18:40.259 --> 00:18:42.799
hits me that I'll never be able to have a conversation
00:18:42.799 --> 00:18:46.480
with someone again. And that truth really makes
00:18:46.480 --> 00:18:50.220
me want to be intentional with the relationships
00:18:50.220 --> 00:18:53.640
that I still have here, right? And, you know,
00:18:53.640 --> 00:18:56.980
to tell people, that you love them and how you
00:18:56.980 --> 00:18:59.420
feel about them. And if, you know, you're holding
00:18:59.420 --> 00:19:02.559
back or you're, it's one of those things of like,
00:19:02.660 --> 00:19:04.559
well, yeah, obviously, you know, so why would
00:19:04.559 --> 00:19:06.180
I, you know, why do I have to say it out loud?
00:19:06.220 --> 00:19:08.960
Those kinds of things I think, I think is hogwash.
00:19:09.119 --> 00:19:11.599
And so it really, really kind of makes, makes
00:19:11.599 --> 00:19:13.720
me want to cast all those things aside and just
00:19:13.720 --> 00:19:15.980
say, you know, it's kind of weird, you know,
00:19:15.980 --> 00:19:18.099
sometimes people are like, okay, dude, you're
00:19:18.099 --> 00:19:19.900
all in your field and stuff. And it's like, no,
00:19:20.000 --> 00:19:22.920
but. I think this is actually the way it should
00:19:22.920 --> 00:19:26.559
be because what if you don't get another chance
00:19:26.559 --> 00:19:29.740
to say something, right? So I hear people, depending
00:19:29.740 --> 00:19:32.240
on what valleys they're going through, they tend
00:19:32.240 --> 00:19:34.940
to be more willing to say those things. And I
00:19:34.940 --> 00:19:38.200
think that's the way it should be. Yeah, for
00:19:38.200 --> 00:19:40.589
some reason, like... Culture has told us like,
00:19:40.650 --> 00:19:43.230
you don't say any of those things. Keep all that
00:19:43.230 --> 00:19:45.509
in. Don't tell people aside from your family
00:19:45.509 --> 00:19:47.750
or whatever that you love them. But the reality
00:19:47.750 --> 00:19:51.210
is like all of us have so many different relationships
00:19:51.210 --> 00:19:53.210
and friendships and people that we genuinely
00:19:53.210 --> 00:19:57.630
care about. Even maybe if it's not the phrase,
00:19:57.750 --> 00:19:59.789
I love you. It's like, hey, dude, I really care
00:19:59.789 --> 00:20:01.569
about you. Thank you for being part of my life.
00:20:01.670 --> 00:20:03.910
Like whatever that that looks like, like speak
00:20:03.910 --> 00:20:07.089
that to people. Let them know the amount that
00:20:07.089 --> 00:20:11.299
you care. And you never know what that may also
00:20:11.299 --> 00:20:14.940
do to their day beyond you just expressing that,
00:20:15.039 --> 00:20:16.940
you know. You may be doing it for a selfish reason
00:20:16.940 --> 00:20:18.920
to say, hey, like, I really appreciate you. I
00:20:18.920 --> 00:20:21.099
need you in my life. But you may never know in
00:20:21.099 --> 00:20:25.420
turn what that does to that person. And so speak
00:20:25.420 --> 00:20:28.670
that and speak it often. Yeah, because we all
00:20:28.670 --> 00:20:31.410
want to be loved and appreciated. And like you
00:20:31.410 --> 00:20:33.950
said, I love you is not always the most appropriate
00:20:33.950 --> 00:20:36.849
thing to say. But even sending, you know, one
00:20:36.849 --> 00:20:38.930
of our friends and mentors, Glenn Lundy, one
00:20:38.930 --> 00:20:42.130
of his rules every morning in his morning five.
00:20:43.160 --> 00:20:46.240
is to send an encouraging text or an encouraging
00:20:46.240 --> 00:20:48.880
message to someone. And so even just something
00:20:48.880 --> 00:20:51.180
as simple as saying, you know, hey, I'm thinking
00:20:51.180 --> 00:20:55.019
about you can totally change someone's day. And
00:20:55.019 --> 00:20:57.519
so there's no reason to be selfish with something
00:20:57.519 --> 00:21:00.339
like that. I've heard some people say, you know,
00:21:00.359 --> 00:21:02.660
horrible things like, well, you know, if I say
00:21:02.660 --> 00:21:05.329
those things to them, then, you know. whatever.
00:21:05.529 --> 00:21:07.430
It's hard to put words to it because it's just
00:21:07.430 --> 00:21:10.789
so messed up. It's free, you know? So encourage
00:21:10.789 --> 00:21:12.690
people, let them know you're thinking about them,
00:21:12.710 --> 00:21:15.329
that always with the goal of making them smile
00:21:15.329 --> 00:21:17.670
is such a powerful thing. We need that more than
00:21:17.670 --> 00:21:21.869
ever these days. And so that goes right into,
00:21:21.950 --> 00:21:25.289
if you've got beef with somebody, you know, you
00:21:25.289 --> 00:21:28.549
need to settle it, right? Because again, I've
00:21:28.549 --> 00:21:31.430
had, without going into too much detail, I had
00:21:31.430 --> 00:21:34.670
a family member that had a big rift with another
00:21:34.670 --> 00:21:37.930
family member and it caused an extremely long
00:21:37.930 --> 00:21:40.470
period of time without any, with estrangement
00:21:40.470 --> 00:21:43.089
and no conversation. And then that other party
00:21:43.089 --> 00:21:45.990
passed away before any reconciliation could take
00:21:45.990 --> 00:21:49.319
place. And I can't imagine the regret. that takes
00:21:49.319 --> 00:21:51.839
place in that scenario. So when I've seen people
00:21:51.839 --> 00:21:54.519
draw hard boundaries with other people that they
00:21:54.519 --> 00:21:56.900
love and hoping that that would cause that person
00:21:56.900 --> 00:22:00.119
to change heart, I always warn them in those
00:22:00.119 --> 00:22:02.059
scenarios. I'm like, be careful when you do that
00:22:02.059 --> 00:22:04.279
because you could find yourself in a position
00:22:04.279 --> 00:22:07.609
where it's been. 20, 30 plus years and you still
00:22:07.609 --> 00:22:10.230
haven't reconciled. So if you've got any beef
00:22:10.230 --> 00:22:12.670
with someone and you're able to bridge that gap,
00:22:12.769 --> 00:22:14.369
I think it is something you should definitely
00:22:14.369 --> 00:22:16.970
consider. And that goes right into forgiving
00:22:16.970 --> 00:22:19.609
and releasing as well. And so I want to draw
00:22:19.609 --> 00:22:22.670
a quick distinction here in the forgiveness arena
00:22:22.670 --> 00:22:25.650
because I think sometimes people think that forgiving
00:22:25.650 --> 00:22:28.880
means forgetting. And that may not always be
00:22:28.880 --> 00:22:31.740
the case. And also forgiveness is not the same
00:22:31.740 --> 00:22:34.039
thing as reconciliation. So for those of you
00:22:34.039 --> 00:22:36.279
who've been hurt by other people, you can forgive
00:22:36.279 --> 00:22:39.420
them without reconciling that relationship, particularly
00:22:39.420 --> 00:22:43.119
if it's a toxic one or a dangerous one. But I've
00:22:43.119 --> 00:22:46.240
had two people in my life recently that I would
00:22:46.240 --> 00:22:50.289
say five years ago. If I mentioned the premise
00:22:50.289 --> 00:22:54.029
of forgiving the party that hurt them, that they
00:22:54.029 --> 00:22:59.390
were extremely hostile to that idea. And to find
00:22:59.390 --> 00:23:02.150
out this last year that they both have forgiven
00:23:02.150 --> 00:23:06.029
those individuals. And one is even cultivating
00:23:06.029 --> 00:23:08.690
a relationship with that person. And then the
00:23:08.690 --> 00:23:11.509
other one is considering a way to find that person.
00:23:11.569 --> 00:23:15.609
That's extremely powerful and inspiring. And
00:23:15.609 --> 00:23:18.980
so when appropriate. forgiveness should always
00:23:18.980 --> 00:23:21.460
be done. But then also considering that's not
00:23:21.460 --> 00:23:24.420
the same thing as forgetting what happened. Boundaries
00:23:24.420 --> 00:23:27.019
can be important. There's some caveats in there.
00:23:27.119 --> 00:23:30.440
And then reconciliation can sometimes happen.
00:23:30.900 --> 00:23:33.059
Sometimes it needs to be earned. And then sometimes
00:23:33.059 --> 00:23:36.000
it's off the table. But I think forgiveness is
00:23:36.000 --> 00:23:37.960
something that's important for the person who
00:23:37.960 --> 00:23:41.259
is harboring the frustration or the bitterness,
00:23:41.500 --> 00:23:44.099
because that's like drinking poison to kill someone
00:23:44.099 --> 00:23:47.380
else, right? It doesn't work long term. And so,
00:23:47.769 --> 00:23:49.569
You know, in a time like this, you hear someone
00:23:49.569 --> 00:23:53.170
say, time heals all wounds, right? And I actually
00:23:53.170 --> 00:23:56.569
strongly disagree with that phrase because time
00:23:56.569 --> 00:24:00.269
doesn't heal all wounds. So if I cut myself on
00:24:00.269 --> 00:24:03.369
a barbed wire fence, right, and I just tell myself,
00:24:03.589 --> 00:24:06.349
well, time heals all wounds, that's not going
00:24:06.349 --> 00:24:08.390
to be the case because I'm going to come down
00:24:08.390 --> 00:24:11.309
with some real rough stuff, some gangrenes. It's
00:24:11.309 --> 00:24:13.519
going to get infected and get real nasty. So
00:24:13.519 --> 00:24:17.299
time does heal all wounds if appropriately taken
00:24:17.299 --> 00:24:21.500
care of, cleaned, and dressed. So the same thing
00:24:21.500 --> 00:24:24.240
is true for emotional wounds. Now, this episode
00:24:24.240 --> 00:24:26.799
isn't about all types of trauma, but specifically
00:24:26.799 --> 00:24:29.839
loss. But if you're not properly taking care
00:24:29.839 --> 00:24:33.359
of yourself after a loss, then time won't necessarily
00:24:33.359 --> 00:24:36.920
heal you. And so it's important to know that
00:24:36.920 --> 00:24:40.039
time does heal you with the right habits, with
00:24:40.039 --> 00:24:42.200
the right pursuits, with the right community.
00:24:42.839 --> 00:24:46.019
Yes, absolutely. But you definitely need to be
00:24:46.019 --> 00:24:50.039
aware that just the passing of time may not fully
00:24:50.039 --> 00:24:52.900
restore you if you're not being intentional with
00:24:52.900 --> 00:24:56.180
it. Right. You know, grief, grief is one of those
00:24:56.180 --> 00:25:00.960
things that is going to not be a linear path.
00:25:01.339 --> 00:25:04.359
right? And it is going to definitely be up and
00:25:04.359 --> 00:25:06.980
down. There's going to be different waves and
00:25:06.980 --> 00:25:09.380
different strength of those waves, right? Like
00:25:09.380 --> 00:25:11.460
sometimes it's like just this little bit of lapping
00:25:11.460 --> 00:25:13.319
at your feet and then other times it's going
00:25:13.319 --> 00:25:16.299
to practically knock you off of your feet. And
00:25:16.299 --> 00:25:19.319
so I think it's important to also give grace
00:25:19.319 --> 00:25:22.039
to ourselves and to say, it's okay to not be
00:25:22.039 --> 00:25:26.059
okay. Time is going to start to heal that wound
00:25:26.059 --> 00:25:31.289
and it does just take some time. You know, and
00:25:31.289 --> 00:25:33.930
to be gracious with yourself, but also to remind
00:25:33.930 --> 00:25:36.470
yourself like you're going to experience grief
00:25:36.470 --> 00:25:40.230
at the strangest times. Strangest things are
00:25:40.230 --> 00:25:42.990
going to remind you of someone and it's going
00:25:42.990 --> 00:25:44.970
to hit you in a way that you didn't anticipate
00:25:44.970 --> 00:25:48.799
or expect. You know, I'll never forget. Going
00:25:48.799 --> 00:25:51.559
into Walmart, I think three or four months after
00:25:51.559 --> 00:25:54.259
we lost your mom and seeing a lady that looked
00:25:54.259 --> 00:25:58.240
so much like your mom. And I had this unexpected
00:25:58.240 --> 00:26:01.779
moment of just being overwhelmed by grief and
00:26:01.779 --> 00:26:05.180
the fact that she wasn't with us anymore. You
00:26:05.180 --> 00:26:07.700
know, and that came out of nowhere and had to
00:26:07.700 --> 00:26:10.680
take a moment and grieve in that moment and to
00:26:10.680 --> 00:26:13.339
know that that was okay, even though it had been
00:26:13.339 --> 00:26:16.079
this season had passed since we had lost her.
00:26:17.500 --> 00:26:21.079
And, and to know like, it's okay. And to allow
00:26:21.079 --> 00:26:23.920
those memories to flood into your mind and to
00:26:23.920 --> 00:26:27.880
allow those moments to come back and to smile
00:26:27.880 --> 00:26:31.259
about them and to laugh about them, but also
00:26:31.259 --> 00:26:35.180
to allow yourself to, to be sad and to know that
00:26:35.180 --> 00:26:38.220
that's okay too. And to know that like, it's
00:26:38.220 --> 00:26:42.039
a, it's okay to miss them and to, to try to figure
00:26:42.039 --> 00:26:44.099
out how to process the emotions surrounding that
00:26:44.099 --> 00:26:49.119
and to allow. allow those emotions to be had
00:26:49.119 --> 00:26:55.059
and let grief be the process that it is. Absolutely.
00:26:55.380 --> 00:26:59.019
And that will take time. And like you said, it
00:26:59.019 --> 00:27:02.220
comes in waves and things, smells, sights, things
00:27:02.220 --> 00:27:04.400
like that can remind you of the person and let
00:27:04.400 --> 00:27:06.500
yourself feel that moment. Take some time if
00:27:06.500 --> 00:27:09.019
you can. And if you can't, carve out some time
00:27:09.019 --> 00:27:12.200
shortly thereafter to process and just know that
00:27:12.200 --> 00:27:15.140
that will pass, right? And then when you have
00:27:15.140 --> 00:27:17.579
another moment, you know, it doesn't have to
00:27:17.579 --> 00:27:19.440
be a bad thing of remembering someone you used
00:27:19.440 --> 00:27:22.720
to love, you know, or someone you did, you do
00:27:22.720 --> 00:27:25.400
love. Right. And so like the old country song
00:27:25.400 --> 00:27:27.839
that grief is just love with nowhere left to
00:27:27.839 --> 00:27:30.859
go. Right. And Eric corrected on Facebook and
00:27:30.859 --> 00:27:33.319
added that, you know, yes, it does have somewhere
00:27:33.319 --> 00:27:36.460
to go. It needs to go up. Yeah. And I love that.
00:27:36.519 --> 00:27:39.690
And so To wrap up, I think that loss doesn't
00:27:39.690 --> 00:27:42.589
just take, it reveals things, it reorders things,
00:27:42.750 --> 00:27:44.829
and it invites us to live differently. At least
00:27:44.829 --> 00:27:47.069
that's what it taught us this week. And so we
00:27:47.069 --> 00:27:49.190
wanted to share that with you, even though it's
00:27:49.190 --> 00:27:52.190
a pretty heavy time currently. I thought that
00:27:52.190 --> 00:27:55.559
was an important message to share. As always,
00:27:55.660 --> 00:27:57.480
thanks for listening to the Optimizing Beyond
00:27:57.480 --> 00:28:00.000
podcast. Remember, growth happens when you take
00:28:00.000 --> 00:28:02.339
action. So subscribe, share this with a friend,
00:28:02.400 --> 00:28:04.759
and most importantly, what you learned in the
00:28:04.759 --> 00:28:07.519
practice. Until next time, remember, keep moving
00:28:07.519 --> 00:28:10.859
forward because daily anything changes everything.
00:00:02.089 --> 00:00:05.169
Welcome to the Optimizing Beyond podcast. I'm
00:00:05.169 --> 00:00:07.389
Josh Negron, and this show is all about sharing
00:00:07.389 --> 00:00:11.109
lessons, ideas, and strategies that sharpen your
00:00:11.109 --> 00:00:13.949
thinking, strengthen your habits, and push you
00:00:13.949 --> 00:00:17.050
to grow beyond comfort zones. Let's dive in.
00:00:20.629 --> 00:00:23.910
All right, this week I am joined again by my
00:00:23.910 --> 00:00:27.190
lovely wife, and we are discussing a heavier
00:00:27.190 --> 00:00:29.800
topic. This week we are discussing... how to
00:00:29.800 --> 00:00:32.899
deal with loss. And this is pretty personal to
00:00:32.899 --> 00:00:36.159
us this week because Eric Dwyer, the young man
00:00:36.159 --> 00:00:38.759
that was on the show with me just a few episodes
00:00:38.759 --> 00:00:41.259
ago, lost his wife. And that was a dear friend
00:00:41.259 --> 00:00:44.020
of ours. And so if you haven't seen that episode,
00:00:44.100 --> 00:00:46.539
I highly encourage you. That episode was about
00:00:46.539 --> 00:00:50.820
how to optimize when life isn't optimal. And
00:00:50.820 --> 00:00:54.079
I'll tell you, he was doing the duties of a hospice
00:00:54.079 --> 00:00:57.280
nurse at that point in his family. And so I would
00:00:57.280 --> 00:01:00.020
say those things he was discussing were from
00:01:00.020 --> 00:01:03.420
the deepest point of knowledge and understanding.
00:01:03.659 --> 00:01:05.939
So I highly encourage you to catch that episode
00:01:05.939 --> 00:01:08.379
if you haven't already, because the proof is
00:01:08.379 --> 00:01:12.819
in the pudding. And now that it's over, I think
00:01:12.819 --> 00:01:16.280
that episode is even more strong than it was
00:01:16.280 --> 00:01:19.040
when we were just speaking in a little bit more
00:01:19.040 --> 00:01:21.640
vague terms, because he was keeping some of the
00:01:21.640 --> 00:01:23.900
privacy for his family as he was shooting that
00:01:23.900 --> 00:01:26.849
episode, right? What we want to talk about today
00:01:26.849 --> 00:01:29.969
is just some key observations from last week
00:01:29.969 --> 00:01:33.450
from us on what we noticed going through this
00:01:33.450 --> 00:01:37.430
arguably probably one of the closest losses that
00:01:37.430 --> 00:01:39.829
we've experienced in our lives that wasn't, you
00:01:39.829 --> 00:01:42.989
know, an older individual like a grandparent
00:01:42.989 --> 00:01:46.849
or even a parent actually. So this is a peer
00:01:46.849 --> 00:01:51.390
of ours under 40. And that was, I would say it
00:01:51.390 --> 00:01:54.849
hits different. Yeah. And so this is such a critical
00:01:54.849 --> 00:01:57.989
topic because it's not if you experience a loss,
00:01:58.150 --> 00:02:01.829
it's really when. And so most people are not
00:02:01.829 --> 00:02:04.769
who is fully prepared for something like that.
00:02:04.909 --> 00:02:08.030
And I had someone at work this week say that
00:02:08.030 --> 00:02:10.289
they're not really good with death. And I was
00:02:10.289 --> 00:02:13.389
like, Hang on a second. I don't think I don't
00:02:13.389 --> 00:02:15.770
think any of us are. And I don't think that is
00:02:15.770 --> 00:02:18.530
how it was designed, quite frankly. So we're
00:02:18.530 --> 00:02:20.490
going to cover some of our observations and then
00:02:20.490 --> 00:02:23.469
just some things that you can do that we are
00:02:23.469 --> 00:02:25.990
familiar with that we want to share coming out
00:02:25.990 --> 00:02:27.909
of this that, you know, if you're going through
00:02:27.909 --> 00:02:30.830
this or or just looking to see what you can do
00:02:30.830 --> 00:02:33.729
when you do get through this. And then if you
00:02:33.729 --> 00:02:35.669
have gone through it and you have some tips and
00:02:35.669 --> 00:02:38.039
tricks. I'd love you to share in the comments
00:02:38.039 --> 00:02:41.300
just for anyone that can glean that wisdom. So
00:02:41.300 --> 00:02:44.120
first things, probably my favorite observation
00:02:44.120 --> 00:02:49.039
from this last week was just the incredible amount
00:02:49.039 --> 00:02:52.300
of laughter among the tears and the emotions.
00:02:52.360 --> 00:02:54.580
Ashley, did you notice that as much as I did?
00:02:54.990 --> 00:02:58.909
Yeah. The dichotomy of that really was interesting
00:02:58.909 --> 00:03:02.449
as we came home from the hospital last week from
00:03:02.449 --> 00:03:04.830
getting to say, see you later to Sarah. And we
00:03:04.830 --> 00:03:07.849
commented about how the room was full of, at
00:03:07.849 --> 00:03:10.550
times it was, yeah, there was, there was tears
00:03:10.550 --> 00:03:13.610
and we were, you know, mourning together. And
00:03:13.610 --> 00:03:15.710
then at other times we're laughing and sharing
00:03:15.710 --> 00:03:18.810
stories. Sarah was so much of a prankster and
00:03:18.810 --> 00:03:21.509
she had such a good sense of humor that it was.
00:03:22.349 --> 00:03:24.909
It felt important to share those stories. In
00:03:24.909 --> 00:03:27.370
fact, actually, her dad thanked us for all of
00:03:27.370 --> 00:03:29.870
the crazy stories from when Sarah had been in
00:03:29.870 --> 00:03:33.370
college and in her 20s, from that season of life.
00:03:33.509 --> 00:03:35.270
He's like, as a parent, you don't get to hear
00:03:35.270 --> 00:03:38.590
about those things. And that season of life tends
00:03:38.590 --> 00:03:41.830
to be when someone's moving on from their parents'
00:03:41.949 --> 00:03:43.490
house, but they're trying to figure out that
00:03:43.490 --> 00:03:46.270
relationship again. And so he just loved hearing
00:03:46.270 --> 00:03:50.409
those stories and such great times of connection.
00:03:50.610 --> 00:03:52.479
For people that we went to college, with everyone
00:03:52.479 --> 00:03:55.639
sharing stories and laughing and mourning together
00:03:55.639 --> 00:03:58.560
and talking about all of the ways that Sarah
00:03:58.560 --> 00:04:01.819
had touched our lives. Yeah, I'll say there,
00:04:01.979 --> 00:04:04.000
I mean, it probably is some of the characters
00:04:04.000 --> 00:04:08.699
that we're all friends with that are more, that
00:04:08.699 --> 00:04:11.819
are very gifted in humor. But I mean, I feel
00:04:11.819 --> 00:04:14.759
like during the, after the funeral, we were all
00:04:14.759 --> 00:04:18.360
talking and like you said. going over memories
00:04:18.360 --> 00:04:21.180
and things like that. And my face hurt from laughing
00:04:21.180 --> 00:04:24.779
and smiling so much. And so I'll be honest, that's
00:04:24.779 --> 00:04:27.019
not something that I expected. And I really do
00:04:27.019 --> 00:04:30.199
think that if done right, that tension between
00:04:30.199 --> 00:04:33.680
the two can be very therapeutic. I don't know
00:04:33.680 --> 00:04:35.920
if everyone's okay with that. There were a couple
00:04:35.920 --> 00:04:37.620
of times that we were laughing and carrying on
00:04:37.620 --> 00:04:39.800
that I wondered if there were some people that
00:04:39.800 --> 00:04:43.100
weren't fans of what. Of us enjoying ourselves,
00:04:43.319 --> 00:04:45.680
right? But that's the difference. This was labeled
00:04:45.680 --> 00:04:47.980
a celebration of life, right? And I think that's
00:04:47.980 --> 00:04:51.620
a cool distinction. And I think, too, part of
00:04:51.620 --> 00:04:54.100
the difference is it was from a place of joy.
00:04:54.519 --> 00:04:56.939
You know, the difference there, I think, too,
00:04:57.040 --> 00:04:59.560
in the laughter and in those moments is true,
00:04:59.660 --> 00:05:03.459
authentic joy. But even in the middle of arguably
00:05:03.459 --> 00:05:06.439
for most of us, it was one of the toughest weeks
00:05:06.439 --> 00:05:10.819
of our lives. There was this ultimate. joy, and
00:05:10.819 --> 00:05:14.319
this sense of gratitude and so grateful and thankful
00:05:14.319 --> 00:05:16.500
for the friendship and the relationship that
00:05:16.500 --> 00:05:19.800
we had with Sarah and for the way in which that
00:05:19.800 --> 00:05:22.180
she impacted our life. And I think, you know,
00:05:22.199 --> 00:05:24.459
anyone that knew her would have known like how
00:05:24.459 --> 00:05:28.100
much she would have enjoyed that celebration,
00:05:28.360 --> 00:05:30.839
how much she would have enjoyed all of those
00:05:30.839 --> 00:05:33.540
friends being together, all of that family being
00:05:33.540 --> 00:05:38.029
together. And just enjoying a good time together.
00:05:38.170 --> 00:05:40.329
The only thing we were missing was playing some
00:05:40.329 --> 00:05:43.889
kind of a game because Sarah loved games. But,
00:05:43.889 --> 00:05:46.769
you know, I have so many memories to take away
00:05:46.769 --> 00:05:49.750
from this last week. Yeah, absolutely. And one
00:05:49.750 --> 00:05:52.329
of the other ones that I enjoyed was watching
00:05:52.329 --> 00:05:56.430
her stepmom playing with her grandson. And so
00:05:56.430 --> 00:06:00.740
that was super cool to just see. The laughter
00:06:00.740 --> 00:06:03.079
of a young child that doesn't fully understand
00:06:03.079 --> 00:06:06.000
what's going on because he's so young. And the
00:06:06.000 --> 00:06:10.819
grandmother is able to enjoy the kid, especially
00:06:10.819 --> 00:06:14.439
a young boy who's rambunctious and loud in a
00:06:14.439 --> 00:06:17.579
hospice house and just play with him in the living
00:06:17.579 --> 00:06:19.800
room. And that was such a fun thing to watch
00:06:19.800 --> 00:06:23.360
in a time, honestly, that was super, super heavy
00:06:23.360 --> 00:06:26.560
and grim, right? What thoughts did you have when
00:06:26.560 --> 00:06:29.009
you watched that exchange? I think it's that
00:06:29.009 --> 00:06:32.449
reminder that we still have to keep doing life
00:06:32.449 --> 00:06:36.990
and that the cycle of life is going to keep going
00:06:36.990 --> 00:06:40.470
and that death is a part of that, but it's what
00:06:40.470 --> 00:06:43.490
we do with that that can make such a difference.
00:06:44.970 --> 00:06:47.769
I will say that while all of us were incredibly
00:06:47.769 --> 00:06:51.889
sad, and because we're going to miss Sarah, we
00:06:51.889 --> 00:06:55.629
also have so much hope and so much joy and so
00:06:55.629 --> 00:06:58.170
much love. And so I think that that was one of
00:06:58.170 --> 00:07:00.230
those things that kind of, while it was such
00:07:00.230 --> 00:07:03.850
a heavy day, my soul also left refreshed and
00:07:03.850 --> 00:07:07.189
overflowing in a way that I genuinely didn't
00:07:07.189 --> 00:07:10.509
expect. Same. Yeah, absolutely. And I think that
00:07:10.509 --> 00:07:13.709
was one of my other observations too, in what
00:07:13.709 --> 00:07:17.470
you said about, how much this loss brought so
00:07:17.470 --> 00:07:19.610
many of us back together. I mean, there were
00:07:19.610 --> 00:07:22.149
a lot of people I hadn't seen for over 20 years
00:07:22.149 --> 00:07:25.209
that were brought together because of this incredible
00:07:25.209 --> 00:07:29.829
individual, Sarah. And that was, that just, that
00:07:29.829 --> 00:07:32.610
made an impact on me that, you know, that we
00:07:32.610 --> 00:07:37.290
all reunited, not because of a school reunion
00:07:37.290 --> 00:07:40.449
or family reunion, but because we were all connected
00:07:40.449 --> 00:07:44.009
to one person, a very, very influential person.
00:07:44.540 --> 00:07:46.759
I mean, honestly, over a thousand people attended
00:07:46.759 --> 00:07:50.620
combined online and in person. That's crazy town.
00:07:50.800 --> 00:07:54.279
And so just shows just shows that so powerfully.
00:07:54.319 --> 00:07:57.600
And then the last observation that I want to
00:07:57.600 --> 00:08:02.870
discuss is. The faith piece now, obviously, we're
00:08:02.870 --> 00:08:06.790
people of faith. And so that is something that
00:08:06.790 --> 00:08:09.230
is closely tied to this conversation of loss,
00:08:09.430 --> 00:08:11.230
obviously, that we have a hope that's different,
00:08:11.329 --> 00:08:13.829
that we believe that there's something beyond.
00:08:13.949 --> 00:08:18.709
And one thing that I will say is I went to support
00:08:18.709 --> 00:08:21.670
my friend who was losing his wife, and I left
00:08:21.670 --> 00:08:25.370
being encouraged by him rather than the other
00:08:25.370 --> 00:08:31.259
way around, it felt like. Just the radiance of
00:08:31.259 --> 00:08:36.059
what I would say, the radiance of God on his
00:08:36.059 --> 00:08:38.240
face and the joy that he was feeling and the
00:08:38.240 --> 00:08:39.860
memories that he was spreading. It was something
00:08:39.860 --> 00:08:42.940
that I totally didn't expect. And from a person
00:08:42.940 --> 00:08:46.500
who's a Christian, I would say that it's evident
00:08:46.500 --> 00:08:50.740
of somebody who has been very faithful in their
00:08:50.740 --> 00:08:53.399
faith because we believe that God's always there.
00:08:53.700 --> 00:08:56.440
And so if he's evident, it's not just because
00:08:56.440 --> 00:08:59.950
he's there, because he's always there. when when
00:08:59.950 --> 00:09:03.730
when people are able to see him through you it's
00:09:03.730 --> 00:09:06.470
because you've been with him yeah right and i
00:09:06.470 --> 00:09:09.269
just i've never seen anything like it he did
00:09:09.269 --> 00:09:12.490
the funeral which you know i don't i know a lot
00:09:12.490 --> 00:09:15.590
of preachers and most of them are like yep nope
00:09:15.590 --> 00:09:18.490
not me that's that's crazy he made it through
00:09:18.490 --> 00:09:22.269
extremely gracefully and and i think I have some
00:09:22.269 --> 00:09:25.190
beliefs as to why that is. And that's just one
00:09:25.190 --> 00:09:27.570
of my observations. I couldn't help it that that
00:09:27.570 --> 00:09:30.649
was, I think that that was supernatural. I don't
00:09:30.649 --> 00:09:33.730
think that was entirely Eric doing that. I think
00:09:33.730 --> 00:09:36.649
it was someone working through him in his weakness,
00:09:36.690 --> 00:09:40.210
in his lowest, hardest, most suffering -filled
00:09:40.210 --> 00:09:42.730
moment. There was someone else working through
00:09:42.730 --> 00:09:45.250
him and with him. And that is just something
00:09:45.250 --> 00:09:49.279
I'll never forget. And so moving on to the practical
00:09:49.279 --> 00:09:52.659
habits and practices that we think can be really
00:09:52.659 --> 00:09:55.759
helpful if you find yourself in a moment in time
00:09:55.759 --> 00:09:58.879
like this, then the first thing is around community,
00:09:59.059 --> 00:10:02.820
right? People are not made to be alone. And so
00:10:02.820 --> 00:10:06.100
it is important for you to pursue community and
00:10:06.100 --> 00:10:08.740
pursue people. And I want to highlight two different
00:10:08.740 --> 00:10:12.639
groups here. One, firstly, being the pursuing
00:10:12.639 --> 00:10:15.960
people who have also lost the same person you
00:10:15.960 --> 00:10:18.320
have. I think that's important because those
00:10:18.320 --> 00:10:20.980
people understand that loss. They're feeling
00:10:20.980 --> 00:10:24.620
it with you and it allows you to grieve alongside
00:10:24.620 --> 00:10:28.039
others, right? And so how's that? How's that
00:10:28.039 --> 00:10:31.789
important for you, Ash? Yeah, you know, you need
00:10:31.789 --> 00:10:33.909
people in your life who have walked the same
00:10:33.909 --> 00:10:37.809
road that you have because those roads can be
00:10:37.809 --> 00:10:42.809
long and hard and dark at times. And so the things
00:10:42.809 --> 00:10:44.490
that you're experiencing are never something
00:10:44.490 --> 00:10:46.970
that no one has ever experienced before. Someone
00:10:46.970 --> 00:10:48.769
has experienced the same kind of loss in the
00:10:48.769 --> 00:10:52.389
same kind of way that you have. And so find people
00:10:52.389 --> 00:10:55.409
who have been there, who understand. those of
00:10:55.409 --> 00:10:57.830
all of the emotions because there's so many of
00:10:57.830 --> 00:11:00.570
them and and allow them to walk that path with
00:11:00.570 --> 00:11:02.389
you you know one of the ways that you can do
00:11:02.389 --> 00:11:04.789
that too is there there are all kinds of grief
00:11:04.789 --> 00:11:07.590
share groups all over the place and sometimes
00:11:07.590 --> 00:11:09.870
they're through churches sometimes they're through
00:11:09.870 --> 00:11:11.870
community centers whatever that that looks like
00:11:11.870 --> 00:11:14.950
find people who can help walk that road with
00:11:14.950 --> 00:11:19.350
you um and and dig into that the want to just
00:11:19.350 --> 00:11:22.059
you know go and hide under the covers is going
00:11:22.059 --> 00:11:26.080
to be so real. You know, we're, we're not even
00:11:26.080 --> 00:11:30.820
a week out of this loss. And I even told you
00:11:30.820 --> 00:11:34.360
this morning, like all I wanted to do today was
00:11:34.360 --> 00:11:38.340
nothing. I wanted to just stay under the covers
00:11:38.340 --> 00:11:41.120
today because it was hard and I was really sad,
00:11:41.220 --> 00:11:44.940
but I knew that that's not what Sarah would have
00:11:44.940 --> 00:11:49.620
wanted for me. And so it's, It's finding people
00:11:49.620 --> 00:11:52.299
who understand those emotions and can help you
00:11:52.299 --> 00:11:54.740
process them who have walked that same road.
00:11:54.960 --> 00:11:57.279
And by that very same token, I think it's also
00:11:57.279 --> 00:12:00.340
important to seek out people. I mean, everyone's
00:12:00.340 --> 00:12:02.059
lost someone, right? So you're going to gain
00:12:02.059 --> 00:12:04.740
that from really anyone. But I do think it's
00:12:04.740 --> 00:12:06.879
also important to distinguish people in your
00:12:06.879 --> 00:12:10.500
life that haven't lost this individual either.
00:12:10.759 --> 00:12:13.700
Because I think that gives you some distance.
00:12:14.200 --> 00:12:16.379
and some additional perspective when you're trying
00:12:16.379 --> 00:12:18.480
to heal, right? That way it's not the blind leading
00:12:18.480 --> 00:12:20.919
the blind. Everyone has, you know, that same
00:12:20.919 --> 00:12:24.259
grief. I think it's important to also talk to
00:12:24.259 --> 00:12:27.799
people that while they have lost someone and
00:12:27.799 --> 00:12:31.200
they can identify, they're not in this particular
00:12:31.200 --> 00:12:34.080
loss, this particular valley at the same time.
00:12:34.139 --> 00:12:36.830
Does that make sense? Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely.
00:12:36.990 --> 00:12:39.789
And then the third dimension of community is
00:12:39.789 --> 00:12:41.990
going to be similar to what Ashley said in the
00:12:41.990 --> 00:12:44.429
finding groups and things like that. But sometimes
00:12:44.429 --> 00:12:47.710
the loss is severe enough that finding some professional
00:12:47.710 --> 00:12:50.690
help can be appropriate, right? So the help of
00:12:50.690 --> 00:12:53.409
a counselor, a therapist, something like that
00:12:53.409 --> 00:12:56.200
to help you get through. A lot of times, I've
00:12:56.200 --> 00:12:58.179
known parents who have lost children and those
00:12:58.179 --> 00:13:02.919
can be extremely devastating. And so in the desire
00:13:02.919 --> 00:13:05.679
to preserve your marriage and move forward together,
00:13:05.899 --> 00:13:08.080
because people grieve differently. right? And
00:13:08.080 --> 00:13:10.539
so how do you deal with that in a healthy way
00:13:10.539 --> 00:13:13.159
and together, but also separately, right? And
00:13:13.159 --> 00:13:15.179
so someone can help walk you through that. And
00:13:15.179 --> 00:13:18.179
moving on into some internal processing, what
00:13:18.179 --> 00:13:21.700
is the main habit that you think is helpful for
00:13:21.700 --> 00:13:23.659
processing through something like this? Yeah,
00:13:23.740 --> 00:13:26.259
well, first and foremost, we've talked about
00:13:26.259 --> 00:13:28.879
gratitude several different times, but have been
00:13:28.879 --> 00:13:31.700
so thankful for that habit, especially this last
00:13:31.700 --> 00:13:35.080
week in the ability to actually use it to reflect
00:13:35.080 --> 00:13:38.740
a little bit and to Look and see all of the moments
00:13:38.740 --> 00:13:41.039
of the good things that happened in the midst
00:13:41.039 --> 00:13:43.860
of the hard. Because as I start recounting those
00:13:43.860 --> 00:13:45.740
days and those things that have happened, like
00:13:45.740 --> 00:13:49.799
there's so many good, amazing things that happened
00:13:49.799 --> 00:13:52.539
in so many ways that, you know, honestly, like
00:13:52.539 --> 00:13:56.450
as a believer, I saw the Lord show up. over and
00:13:56.450 --> 00:13:58.350
over and over again in the last week. And so
00:13:58.350 --> 00:14:01.309
that's an opportunity for me to bookmark those
00:14:01.309 --> 00:14:04.250
and to kind of mark those days and those experiences
00:14:04.250 --> 00:14:06.789
and those moments in some stone and to write
00:14:06.789 --> 00:14:09.389
them down and to have that to look back at later
00:14:09.389 --> 00:14:14.039
and to reflect on. Yeah, with gratitude on the
00:14:14.039 --> 00:14:17.419
cool things that happened in those days. And
00:14:17.419 --> 00:14:19.200
then, you know, obviously, again, as someone
00:14:19.200 --> 00:14:22.419
who is a believer, being anchored and being tied
00:14:22.419 --> 00:14:26.659
to the Lord and to his word, that habit has been
00:14:26.659 --> 00:14:29.659
part of what has also sustained over the last
00:14:29.659 --> 00:14:33.370
week and allowed this peace. That literally I
00:14:33.370 --> 00:14:36.250
have zero explanation from other than him. And
00:14:36.250 --> 00:14:39.169
so, you know, those for me personally have been
00:14:39.169 --> 00:14:42.629
the two like bedrock anger habits for me over
00:14:42.629 --> 00:14:45.950
the last week. Same. And for me, another one
00:14:45.950 --> 00:14:49.769
has been to allow. the processing of emotions.
00:14:50.110 --> 00:14:52.409
And I think that's important to say because,
00:14:52.450 --> 00:14:55.429
first of all, as a man, that is something that
00:14:55.429 --> 00:14:58.929
is difficult for men to do. And I know stoicism
00:14:58.929 --> 00:15:01.929
has a place and men need to be strong, and I
00:15:01.929 --> 00:15:04.269
get that, and I'm not advocating for men to be
00:15:04.269 --> 00:15:06.049
blubbering idiots and those kinds of things.
00:15:06.110 --> 00:15:09.009
But when things are appropriate... heartbreaking.
00:15:09.950 --> 00:15:12.710
I don't think there's anything wrong with processing
00:15:12.710 --> 00:15:16.269
those emotions. And that can sometimes involve
00:15:16.269 --> 00:15:18.970
outwardly processing those. And that's tough
00:15:18.970 --> 00:15:22.330
because again, I find a lot of language that
00:15:22.330 --> 00:15:25.730
people use around crying or things like that
00:15:25.730 --> 00:15:28.769
negative. You know what I mean? Like, just think
00:15:28.769 --> 00:15:30.590
about it. Think about how people talk about,
00:15:30.710 --> 00:15:32.830
you're like, oh man, I did really good today.
00:15:32.870 --> 00:15:36.190
I didn't cry once. Right? What do you mean did
00:15:36.190 --> 00:15:39.830
really good? Or Yeah, you know, like, I broke
00:15:39.830 --> 00:15:41.990
down several times. So like, that was frustrating.
00:15:42.090 --> 00:15:45.289
And it Yeah, you know, and so a lot of that language
00:15:45.289 --> 00:15:49.649
is negative around, you know, having a breakdown
00:15:49.649 --> 00:15:53.289
or crying or whatever. And so I really do think
00:15:53.289 --> 00:15:55.830
that that is not the healthiest way to look at
00:15:55.830 --> 00:15:58.490
that, especially if it involves suppressing those
00:15:58.490 --> 00:16:00.889
emotions and pushing them down and ignoring them
00:16:00.889 --> 00:16:03.740
and trying to trying to muscle through like a
00:16:03.740 --> 00:16:06.279
lot of guys will do. I just don't think that's
00:16:06.279 --> 00:16:09.059
the best path forward. And so I think people
00:16:09.059 --> 00:16:11.360
can try to change the narrative and understand
00:16:11.360 --> 00:16:15.460
that that's okay and it's okay not to be okay
00:16:15.460 --> 00:16:18.639
and to process those emotions in a healthy way.
00:16:18.919 --> 00:16:21.620
I told a friend a long time ago that if you don't
00:16:21.620 --> 00:16:24.620
deal with this now, that it will deal with you
00:16:24.620 --> 00:16:28.110
later. And so if you bottle it up, Congratulations.
00:16:28.110 --> 00:16:30.429
In 10 years, it's going to look entirely different
00:16:30.429 --> 00:16:33.029
and it'll probably be 10 times harder to fix
00:16:33.029 --> 00:16:36.169
or address. And then lastly, Ashley touched on
00:16:36.169 --> 00:16:39.690
it in processing internally. If you're a person
00:16:39.690 --> 00:16:43.169
of any type of faith, this is where that faith
00:16:43.169 --> 00:16:47.509
is going to be tested and could be a huge blessing
00:16:47.509 --> 00:16:50.269
in your life in certain contexts. So we highly
00:16:50.269 --> 00:16:53.830
encourage you to find someone to help you with
00:16:53.830 --> 00:16:57.190
that. because it can be a very fruitful well
00:16:57.190 --> 00:17:00.610
of hope for you in a time like this, for sure.
00:17:00.750 --> 00:17:02.690
And when you experience something like this,
00:17:02.809 --> 00:17:06.170
it does also kind of give you a different perspective,
00:17:06.269 --> 00:17:08.609
right? To seize the day, to live differently.
00:17:09.009 --> 00:17:12.650
And so we listed out some things of where, you
00:17:12.650 --> 00:17:15.549
know, it kind of changes how you live and kind
00:17:15.549 --> 00:17:17.250
of gives you a slightly different perspective
00:17:17.250 --> 00:17:20.190
where things aren't finite, you know, that, you
00:17:20.190 --> 00:17:21.670
know, we're not all going to be here forever.
00:17:22.210 --> 00:17:24.730
And because of that, we approach things quite
00:17:24.730 --> 00:17:28.109
differently. So the first one being show up for
00:17:28.109 --> 00:17:30.410
those you love, right? Ashley, that's one of
00:17:30.410 --> 00:17:32.230
the ones you listed. Why did you put that down?
00:17:32.369 --> 00:17:35.809
I think it's because that's part of how we build
00:17:35.809 --> 00:17:38.470
that relationship and that connection with the
00:17:38.470 --> 00:17:41.990
people that we love is by showing up. not just
00:17:41.990 --> 00:17:44.549
in the good moments, but also, you know, in the
00:17:44.549 --> 00:17:47.670
hard. We're all going to experience so many different
00:17:47.670 --> 00:17:50.910
things in life. And you need a crew of people
00:17:50.910 --> 00:17:53.009
around you who will show up for you. But then
00:17:53.009 --> 00:17:55.309
in the same token, you have to be the one who's
00:17:55.309 --> 00:17:57.789
also willing to show up for other people, you
00:17:57.789 --> 00:18:00.579
know, and to. Be the one who's willing to jump
00:18:00.579 --> 00:18:04.500
in the car and to drive three hours or to, you
00:18:04.500 --> 00:18:06.779
know, whatever that that looks like to show up
00:18:06.779 --> 00:18:09.180
and to be there for people. Because you can say
00:18:09.180 --> 00:18:11.660
a lot of things, but your actions are going to
00:18:11.660 --> 00:18:14.140
speak so much louder than just your words. And
00:18:14.140 --> 00:18:17.619
so show up, be present, you know, usually that's
00:18:17.619 --> 00:18:19.480
going to come with some kind of sacrifice on
00:18:19.480 --> 00:18:22.599
your end. But know that in the end, like that
00:18:22.599 --> 00:18:26.460
will always be worth it. You will always. be
00:18:26.460 --> 00:18:29.220
thankful that you showed up. 100%. And on the
00:18:29.220 --> 00:18:31.660
other end of that, you mentioned is saying words.
00:18:32.019 --> 00:18:34.940
And so something that's taught me, like, I think
00:18:34.940 --> 00:18:37.299
that's something that hits me the hardest at
00:18:37.299 --> 00:18:40.259
times of loss is knowing the reality when it
00:18:40.259 --> 00:18:42.799
hits me that I'll never be able to have a conversation
00:18:42.799 --> 00:18:46.480
with someone again. And that truth really makes
00:18:46.480 --> 00:18:50.220
me want to be intentional with the relationships
00:18:50.220 --> 00:18:53.640
that I still have here, right? And, you know,
00:18:53.640 --> 00:18:56.980
to tell people, that you love them and how you
00:18:56.980 --> 00:18:59.420
feel about them. And if, you know, you're holding
00:18:59.420 --> 00:19:02.559
back or you're, it's one of those things of like,
00:19:02.660 --> 00:19:04.559
well, yeah, obviously, you know, so why would
00:19:04.559 --> 00:19:06.180
I, you know, why do I have to say it out loud?
00:19:06.220 --> 00:19:08.960
Those kinds of things I think, I think is hogwash.
00:19:09.119 --> 00:19:11.599
And so it really, really kind of makes, makes
00:19:11.599 --> 00:19:13.720
me want to cast all those things aside and just
00:19:13.720 --> 00:19:15.980
say, you know, it's kind of weird, you know,
00:19:15.980 --> 00:19:18.099
sometimes people are like, okay, dude, you're
00:19:18.099 --> 00:19:19.900
all in your field and stuff. And it's like, no,
00:19:20.000 --> 00:19:22.920
but. I think this is actually the way it should
00:19:22.920 --> 00:19:26.559
be because what if you don't get another chance
00:19:26.559 --> 00:19:29.740
to say something, right? So I hear people, depending
00:19:29.740 --> 00:19:32.240
on what valleys they're going through, they tend
00:19:32.240 --> 00:19:34.940
to be more willing to say those things. And I
00:19:34.940 --> 00:19:38.200
think that's the way it should be. Yeah, for
00:19:38.200 --> 00:19:40.589
some reason, like... Culture has told us like,
00:19:40.650 --> 00:19:43.230
you don't say any of those things. Keep all that
00:19:43.230 --> 00:19:45.509
in. Don't tell people aside from your family
00:19:45.509 --> 00:19:47.750
or whatever that you love them. But the reality
00:19:47.750 --> 00:19:51.210
is like all of us have so many different relationships
00:19:51.210 --> 00:19:53.210
and friendships and people that we genuinely
00:19:53.210 --> 00:19:57.630
care about. Even maybe if it's not the phrase,
00:19:57.750 --> 00:19:59.789
I love you. It's like, hey, dude, I really care
00:19:59.789 --> 00:20:01.569
about you. Thank you for being part of my life.
00:20:01.670 --> 00:20:03.910
Like whatever that that looks like, like speak
00:20:03.910 --> 00:20:07.089
that to people. Let them know the amount that
00:20:07.089 --> 00:20:11.299
you care. And you never know what that may also
00:20:11.299 --> 00:20:14.940
do to their day beyond you just expressing that,
00:20:15.039 --> 00:20:16.940
you know. You may be doing it for a selfish reason
00:20:16.940 --> 00:20:18.920
to say, hey, like, I really appreciate you. I
00:20:18.920 --> 00:20:21.099
need you in my life. But you may never know in
00:20:21.099 --> 00:20:25.420
turn what that does to that person. And so speak
00:20:25.420 --> 00:20:28.670
that and speak it often. Yeah, because we all
00:20:28.670 --> 00:20:31.410
want to be loved and appreciated. And like you
00:20:31.410 --> 00:20:33.950
said, I love you is not always the most appropriate
00:20:33.950 --> 00:20:36.849
thing to say. But even sending, you know, one
00:20:36.849 --> 00:20:38.930
of our friends and mentors, Glenn Lundy, one
00:20:38.930 --> 00:20:42.130
of his rules every morning in his morning five.
00:20:43.160 --> 00:20:46.240
is to send an encouraging text or an encouraging
00:20:46.240 --> 00:20:48.880
message to someone. And so even just something
00:20:48.880 --> 00:20:51.180
as simple as saying, you know, hey, I'm thinking
00:20:51.180 --> 00:20:55.019
about you can totally change someone's day. And
00:20:55.019 --> 00:20:57.519
so there's no reason to be selfish with something
00:20:57.519 --> 00:21:00.339
like that. I've heard some people say, you know,
00:21:00.359 --> 00:21:02.660
horrible things like, well, you know, if I say
00:21:02.660 --> 00:21:05.329
those things to them, then, you know. whatever.
00:21:05.529 --> 00:21:07.430
It's hard to put words to it because it's just
00:21:07.430 --> 00:21:10.789
so messed up. It's free, you know? So encourage
00:21:10.789 --> 00:21:12.690
people, let them know you're thinking about them,
00:21:12.710 --> 00:21:15.329
that always with the goal of making them smile
00:21:15.329 --> 00:21:17.670
is such a powerful thing. We need that more than
00:21:17.670 --> 00:21:21.869
ever these days. And so that goes right into,
00:21:21.950 --> 00:21:25.289
if you've got beef with somebody, you know, you
00:21:25.289 --> 00:21:28.549
need to settle it, right? Because again, I've
00:21:28.549 --> 00:21:31.430
had, without going into too much detail, I had
00:21:31.430 --> 00:21:34.670
a family member that had a big rift with another
00:21:34.670 --> 00:21:37.930
family member and it caused an extremely long
00:21:37.930 --> 00:21:40.470
period of time without any, with estrangement
00:21:40.470 --> 00:21:43.089
and no conversation. And then that other party
00:21:43.089 --> 00:21:45.990
passed away before any reconciliation could take
00:21:45.990 --> 00:21:49.319
place. And I can't imagine the regret. that takes
00:21:49.319 --> 00:21:51.839
place in that scenario. So when I've seen people
00:21:51.839 --> 00:21:54.519
draw hard boundaries with other people that they
00:21:54.519 --> 00:21:56.900
love and hoping that that would cause that person
00:21:56.900 --> 00:22:00.119
to change heart, I always warn them in those
00:22:00.119 --> 00:22:02.059
scenarios. I'm like, be careful when you do that
00:22:02.059 --> 00:22:04.279
because you could find yourself in a position
00:22:04.279 --> 00:22:07.609
where it's been. 20, 30 plus years and you still
00:22:07.609 --> 00:22:10.230
haven't reconciled. So if you've got any beef
00:22:10.230 --> 00:22:12.670
with someone and you're able to bridge that gap,
00:22:12.769 --> 00:22:14.369
I think it is something you should definitely
00:22:14.369 --> 00:22:16.970
consider. And that goes right into forgiving
00:22:16.970 --> 00:22:19.609
and releasing as well. And so I want to draw
00:22:19.609 --> 00:22:22.670
a quick distinction here in the forgiveness arena
00:22:22.670 --> 00:22:25.650
because I think sometimes people think that forgiving
00:22:25.650 --> 00:22:28.880
means forgetting. And that may not always be
00:22:28.880 --> 00:22:31.740
the case. And also forgiveness is not the same
00:22:31.740 --> 00:22:34.039
thing as reconciliation. So for those of you
00:22:34.039 --> 00:22:36.279
who've been hurt by other people, you can forgive
00:22:36.279 --> 00:22:39.420
them without reconciling that relationship, particularly
00:22:39.420 --> 00:22:43.119
if it's a toxic one or a dangerous one. But I've
00:22:43.119 --> 00:22:46.240
had two people in my life recently that I would
00:22:46.240 --> 00:22:50.289
say five years ago. If I mentioned the premise
00:22:50.289 --> 00:22:54.029
of forgiving the party that hurt them, that they
00:22:54.029 --> 00:22:59.390
were extremely hostile to that idea. And to find
00:22:59.390 --> 00:23:02.150
out this last year that they both have forgiven
00:23:02.150 --> 00:23:06.029
those individuals. And one is even cultivating
00:23:06.029 --> 00:23:08.690
a relationship with that person. And then the
00:23:08.690 --> 00:23:11.509
other one is considering a way to find that person.
00:23:11.569 --> 00:23:15.609
That's extremely powerful and inspiring. And
00:23:15.609 --> 00:23:18.980
so when appropriate. forgiveness should always
00:23:18.980 --> 00:23:21.460
be done. But then also considering that's not
00:23:21.460 --> 00:23:24.420
the same thing as forgetting what happened. Boundaries
00:23:24.420 --> 00:23:27.019
can be important. There's some caveats in there.
00:23:27.119 --> 00:23:30.440
And then reconciliation can sometimes happen.
00:23:30.900 --> 00:23:33.059
Sometimes it needs to be earned. And then sometimes
00:23:33.059 --> 00:23:36.000
it's off the table. But I think forgiveness is
00:23:36.000 --> 00:23:37.960
something that's important for the person who
00:23:37.960 --> 00:23:41.259
is harboring the frustration or the bitterness,
00:23:41.500 --> 00:23:44.099
because that's like drinking poison to kill someone
00:23:44.099 --> 00:23:47.380
else, right? It doesn't work long term. And so,
00:23:47.769 --> 00:23:49.569
You know, in a time like this, you hear someone
00:23:49.569 --> 00:23:53.170
say, time heals all wounds, right? And I actually
00:23:53.170 --> 00:23:56.569
strongly disagree with that phrase because time
00:23:56.569 --> 00:24:00.269
doesn't heal all wounds. So if I cut myself on
00:24:00.269 --> 00:24:03.369
a barbed wire fence, right, and I just tell myself,
00:24:03.589 --> 00:24:06.349
well, time heals all wounds, that's not going
00:24:06.349 --> 00:24:08.390
to be the case because I'm going to come down
00:24:08.390 --> 00:24:11.309
with some real rough stuff, some gangrenes. It's
00:24:11.309 --> 00:24:13.519
going to get infected and get real nasty. So
00:24:13.519 --> 00:24:17.299
time does heal all wounds if appropriately taken
00:24:17.299 --> 00:24:21.500
care of, cleaned, and dressed. So the same thing
00:24:21.500 --> 00:24:24.240
is true for emotional wounds. Now, this episode
00:24:24.240 --> 00:24:26.799
isn't about all types of trauma, but specifically
00:24:26.799 --> 00:24:29.839
loss. But if you're not properly taking care
00:24:29.839 --> 00:24:33.359
of yourself after a loss, then time won't necessarily
00:24:33.359 --> 00:24:36.920
heal you. And so it's important to know that
00:24:36.920 --> 00:24:40.039
time does heal you with the right habits, with
00:24:40.039 --> 00:24:42.200
the right pursuits, with the right community.
00:24:42.839 --> 00:24:46.019
Yes, absolutely. But you definitely need to be
00:24:46.019 --> 00:24:50.039
aware that just the passing of time may not fully
00:24:50.039 --> 00:24:52.900
restore you if you're not being intentional with
00:24:52.900 --> 00:24:56.180
it. Right. You know, grief, grief is one of those
00:24:56.180 --> 00:25:00.960
things that is going to not be a linear path.
00:25:01.339 --> 00:25:04.359
right? And it is going to definitely be up and
00:25:04.359 --> 00:25:06.980
down. There's going to be different waves and
00:25:06.980 --> 00:25:09.380
different strength of those waves, right? Like
00:25:09.380 --> 00:25:11.460
sometimes it's like just this little bit of lapping
00:25:11.460 --> 00:25:13.319
at your feet and then other times it's going
00:25:13.319 --> 00:25:16.299
to practically knock you off of your feet. And
00:25:16.299 --> 00:25:19.319
so I think it's important to also give grace
00:25:19.319 --> 00:25:22.039
to ourselves and to say, it's okay to not be
00:25:22.039 --> 00:25:26.059
okay. Time is going to start to heal that wound
00:25:26.059 --> 00:25:31.289
and it does just take some time. You know, and
00:25:31.289 --> 00:25:33.930
to be gracious with yourself, but also to remind
00:25:33.930 --> 00:25:36.470
yourself like you're going to experience grief
00:25:36.470 --> 00:25:40.230
at the strangest times. Strangest things are
00:25:40.230 --> 00:25:42.990
going to remind you of someone and it's going
00:25:42.990 --> 00:25:44.970
to hit you in a way that you didn't anticipate
00:25:44.970 --> 00:25:48.799
or expect. You know, I'll never forget. Going
00:25:48.799 --> 00:25:51.559
into Walmart, I think three or four months after
00:25:51.559 --> 00:25:54.259
we lost your mom and seeing a lady that looked
00:25:54.259 --> 00:25:58.240
so much like your mom. And I had this unexpected
00:25:58.240 --> 00:26:01.779
moment of just being overwhelmed by grief and
00:26:01.779 --> 00:26:05.180
the fact that she wasn't with us anymore. You
00:26:05.180 --> 00:26:07.700
know, and that came out of nowhere and had to
00:26:07.700 --> 00:26:10.680
take a moment and grieve in that moment and to
00:26:10.680 --> 00:26:13.339
know that that was okay, even though it had been
00:26:13.339 --> 00:26:16.079
this season had passed since we had lost her.
00:26:17.500 --> 00:26:21.079
And, and to know like, it's okay. And to allow
00:26:21.079 --> 00:26:23.920
those memories to flood into your mind and to
00:26:23.920 --> 00:26:27.880
allow those moments to come back and to smile
00:26:27.880 --> 00:26:31.259
about them and to laugh about them, but also
00:26:31.259 --> 00:26:35.180
to allow yourself to, to be sad and to know that
00:26:35.180 --> 00:26:38.220
that's okay too. And to know that like, it's
00:26:38.220 --> 00:26:42.039
a, it's okay to miss them and to, to try to figure
00:26:42.039 --> 00:26:44.099
out how to process the emotions surrounding that
00:26:44.099 --> 00:26:49.119
and to allow. allow those emotions to be had
00:26:49.119 --> 00:26:55.059
and let grief be the process that it is. Absolutely.
00:26:55.380 --> 00:26:59.019
And that will take time. And like you said, it
00:26:59.019 --> 00:27:02.220
comes in waves and things, smells, sights, things
00:27:02.220 --> 00:27:04.400
like that can remind you of the person and let
00:27:04.400 --> 00:27:06.500
yourself feel that moment. Take some time if
00:27:06.500 --> 00:27:09.019
you can. And if you can't, carve out some time
00:27:09.019 --> 00:27:12.200
shortly thereafter to process and just know that
00:27:12.200 --> 00:27:15.140
that will pass, right? And then when you have
00:27:15.140 --> 00:27:17.579
another moment, you know, it doesn't have to
00:27:17.579 --> 00:27:19.440
be a bad thing of remembering someone you used
00:27:19.440 --> 00:27:22.720
to love, you know, or someone you did, you do
00:27:22.720 --> 00:27:25.400
love. Right. And so like the old country song
00:27:25.400 --> 00:27:27.839
that grief is just love with nowhere left to
00:27:27.839 --> 00:27:30.859
go. Right. And Eric corrected on Facebook and
00:27:30.859 --> 00:27:33.319
added that, you know, yes, it does have somewhere
00:27:33.319 --> 00:27:36.460
to go. It needs to go up. Yeah. And I love that.
00:27:36.519 --> 00:27:39.690
And so To wrap up, I think that loss doesn't
00:27:39.690 --> 00:27:42.589
just take, it reveals things, it reorders things,
00:27:42.750 --> 00:27:44.829
and it invites us to live differently. At least
00:27:44.829 --> 00:27:47.069
that's what it taught us this week. And so we
00:27:47.069 --> 00:27:49.190
wanted to share that with you, even though it's
00:27:49.190 --> 00:27:52.190
a pretty heavy time currently. I thought that
00:27:52.190 --> 00:27:55.559
was an important message to share. As always,
00:27:55.660 --> 00:27:57.480
thanks for listening to the Optimizing Beyond
00:27:57.480 --> 00:28:00.000
podcast. Remember, growth happens when you take
00:28:00.000 --> 00:28:02.339
action. So subscribe, share this with a friend,
00:28:02.400 --> 00:28:04.759
and most importantly, what you learned in the
00:28:04.759 --> 00:28:07.519
practice. Until next time, remember, keep moving
00:28:07.519 --> 00:28:10.859
forward because daily anything changes everything.
