TRANSKRIPT 🔗
WEBVTT
00:02:12.180 --> 00:02:12.819
Glue.
00:02:13.460 --> 00:02:17.859
That is the word for the person in your family who holds everything together, right?
00:02:18.020 --> 00:02:25.620
The one who knows when the prescriptions are running low and if the pet food's almost out and which kid has the field trip when, and when the car's due for an oil change, right?
00:02:25.780 --> 00:02:26.819
All of the things.
00:02:27.060 --> 00:02:31.460
Pretty much every household has a person who is the glue.
00:02:31.780 --> 00:02:38.419
And this is a job that never shows up with any formal job description or any kind of employee handbook.
00:02:38.500 --> 00:02:41.139
And friends, if you are the glue, this is why you're so tired.
00:02:41.300 --> 00:02:50.419
And it's been an interesting last six months for me here because I've been watching as my husband is now becoming the glue in a certain area of his life.
00:02:50.500 --> 00:02:52.180
And it's changed a lot of things.
00:02:52.419 --> 00:03:10.979
So today I think it'd be really important and meaningful to talk about this job of being the glue and really help understand if you are the only person serving as the glue in your household, how you can start to shift away from not being the only glue stick there.
00:03:15.139 --> 00:03:17.539
Welcome to the Work Life Harmony Podcast.
00:03:17.780 --> 00:03:18.579
Guess what?
00:03:18.740 --> 00:03:22.340
You don't have to feel constantly overwhelmed, exhausted, and stressed out.
00:03:22.500 --> 00:03:23.939
There is another way.
00:03:24.180 --> 00:03:29.699
When you have the right systems and tools to plan and manage your time, you can live a life of harmony.
00:03:29.860 --> 00:03:34.099
If you're ready to stop feeling overwhelmed, this is the show for you.
00:03:35.620 --> 00:03:38.259
Hey friends, welcome back to Work Life Harmony.
00:03:38.420 --> 00:03:56.500
I recently posted out on Instagram a carousel style post that was talking about the toll that it takes on any kind of partnership if you are the one that is the holder of the information, aka the glue of kind of your household situation.
00:03:56.659 --> 00:03:59.060
And it sparked some fantastic conversation.
00:03:59.219 --> 00:04:06.340
And so today I thought it would be meaningful here to take some time to take a deeper dive on that conversation on the podcast.
00:04:06.579 --> 00:04:24.980
Now, before we dive into anything here, if you have a friend that you know is the holder or the glue or the chief information officer or the one who keeps everything running in their household and they are exhausted, definitely take 30 seconds and share this episode with them.
00:04:25.779 --> 00:04:30.419
So there's an interesting kind of measurement scale, if you will.
00:04:30.740 --> 00:04:56.819
And when we look at society today, the fact is most women, I'm going to say most, there's always exceptions, but most women were raised in a way where they were taught to be measured by what they manage versus our male counterparts were raised in a way why they were taught to be measured by what they accomplished or do.
00:04:57.139 --> 00:04:57.539
Right.
00:04:57.779 --> 00:05:01.620
Now, this is not a bashing on one sex versus the other.
00:05:01.699 --> 00:05:02.819
It's just a reality.
00:05:02.980 --> 00:05:05.699
This is the way many of us were raised.
00:05:06.019 --> 00:05:08.419
And the holding, right?
00:05:08.579 --> 00:05:16.419
If you are being measured by the person who's managing and holding, is not the same job as the doing.
00:05:16.740 --> 00:05:23.860
But there seems to be this expectation or this belief that, oh, it's the same thing.
00:05:24.180 --> 00:05:27.139
And it categorically is not.
00:05:27.460 --> 00:05:30.980
I have been typically the holder and the glue of our family.
00:05:31.060 --> 00:05:34.819
And now we have kind of a division of our family where I am not.
00:05:34.980 --> 00:05:37.139
I am simply a doer.
00:05:37.300 --> 00:05:41.779
And I am here to tell you I am experiencing that they are not at all the same thing.
00:05:41.939 --> 00:05:45.779
Not that I didn't know this already, but my spouse is as well.
00:05:45.939 --> 00:05:52.819
And so it's been a really interesting topic of conversation for us and just a learning experience for both of us.
00:05:53.460 --> 00:06:03.460
If you are the holder or the glue, the reality is it carries with it a lot more of an emotional and mental toll.
00:06:03.939 --> 00:06:11.860
While if you are the one who is who is a doer, it typically does not come with that mental and emotional toll.
00:06:11.939 --> 00:06:15.860
And that's why there can be such a massive disconnect.
00:06:16.100 --> 00:06:22.899
So let's kind of walk through an example of what I mean by, you know, to kind of illustrate the difference of the holder versus the doer.
00:06:23.139 --> 00:06:28.019
Maybe it's been a week, you typically do the grocery shopping, but you're like, oh, we're, yeah, we're running out of milk.
00:06:28.100 --> 00:06:28.980
We need milk tomorrow.
00:06:29.060 --> 00:06:33.060
And so you ask your partner, hey, could you pick up milk on the way home?
00:06:33.379 --> 00:06:35.939
That is you asking them for the doing.
00:06:36.100 --> 00:06:39.139
And so your partner goes and picks up the milk.
00:06:39.379 --> 00:06:49.459
Now, there was all this stuff behind the scenes that's tied to the holder or the glue that isn't as easy to track as the person who went and picked up the milk.
00:06:49.699 --> 00:06:52.019
You noticed we're running low on this.
00:06:52.180 --> 00:06:54.819
You looked at your schedule to say, do I have time to go pick up the milk?
00:06:54.980 --> 00:06:57.620
You're realizing you can't because you've got 50 million things going on.
00:06:57.699 --> 00:06:59.379
So then you have to remember to ask.
00:06:59.459 --> 00:07:02.500
And then you might even have to check in that it actually happened.
00:07:02.660 --> 00:07:08.819
And then sometimes the doer
Load full transcript
maybe doesn't quite get it right and they got the wrong kind of milk, and now you're back dealing with that.
00:07:09.219 --> 00:07:24.500
So the fact is, even though the physical task, the doing, went to someone else, the holding of it and all the thoughts and the planning and the organizing and the noticing and the thinking and all of that, it stayed with you.
00:07:24.660 --> 00:07:27.939
And this is a pattern that I see people talking about more and more.
00:07:28.019 --> 00:07:30.579
And I think it's great that we're bringing this to the forefront.
00:07:30.819 --> 00:07:40.740
There'll be a situation where typically it's the woman in a household who is feeling overwhelmed with the juggling of all of the emotion and mental load and noticing, et cetera.
00:07:40.980 --> 00:07:45.620
And maybe her partner notices, okay, she's seeming a little stressed out, a little overwhelmed.
00:07:45.779 --> 00:07:49.459
And so they ask, hey, what can I do to help?
00:07:49.779 --> 00:07:51.540
The best of intentions, right?
00:07:51.699 --> 00:07:52.980
What can I do?
00:07:53.379 --> 00:07:56.339
Not what can I hold and manage, but what can I do?
00:07:56.819 --> 00:07:59.219
So just like the above example, right?
00:07:59.300 --> 00:08:05.540
Where she, you know, maybe, maybe you even delegate, hey, I need you to go to the grocery store and get this entire list of groceries.
00:08:05.860 --> 00:08:07.620
Now the partner's thinking, I helped.
00:08:07.699 --> 00:08:09.779
I went and did the grocery shopping.
00:08:10.100 --> 00:08:15.379
And the holder, the glue, is left feeling like, wow, I don't really feel any better.
00:08:15.540 --> 00:08:18.420
I thought I'd feel better because I got something off my list.
00:08:18.660 --> 00:08:22.819
And here's why that the holder is not feeling any better.
00:08:23.139 --> 00:08:26.259
The task wasn't really moved off her plate.
00:08:26.420 --> 00:08:27.939
The doing part was.
00:08:28.259 --> 00:08:35.860
Meaning she still took the time to figure out what do we need, probably even doing some meal planning, then creating the shopping list.
00:08:36.019 --> 00:08:40.660
Then when she hands the shopping list over, there's probably fielding of questions around the shopping list.
00:08:40.819 --> 00:08:41.299
What is this?
00:08:41.379 --> 00:08:42.180
What is that?
00:08:42.420 --> 00:08:48.500
Then perhaps the shopping happens, but if it's not happening regularly, products come back into the house that aren't the right product.
00:08:48.579 --> 00:08:54.660
So then there's regrouping when the granola bar that kid A does not eat is the one that was bought, right?
00:08:54.899 --> 00:08:56.180
And this happens often.
00:08:56.339 --> 00:08:59.539
And the grocery shopping is just one example of this.
00:08:59.779 --> 00:09:06.579
So again, all of this management of it, the noticing, the holding, the making of list, all of it, that's the heavy part.
00:09:06.740 --> 00:09:09.299
The easy part was the going and the doing.
00:09:09.460 --> 00:09:10.899
The doing was the very easy part.
00:09:10.980 --> 00:09:13.299
You go to the store, you buy the stuff that you come home.
00:09:13.460 --> 00:09:20.740
And this is the tricky thing with this whole area of people saying, Oh, if you're feeling overwhelmed, just ask for help.
00:09:21.059 --> 00:09:29.299
Because help often shows up as delegation, meaning take something off your list and ask for help.
00:09:29.620 --> 00:09:33.700
And in the example of this grocery shopping, that was an example of delegating.
00:09:33.779 --> 00:09:40.980
I'm giving you the doing, but the management behind the scenes does not ever actually leave your plate.
00:09:41.220 --> 00:09:47.379
This is why so many women get frustrated with like, no, I don't want you to ask me what to do.
00:09:47.460 --> 00:09:49.860
I want you to fully own something.
00:09:50.019 --> 00:09:52.339
I want you to own the noticing, the holding.
00:09:52.420 --> 00:09:56.899
I want you to be the glue for one part of our household.
00:09:57.139 --> 00:09:59.539
And so this is where that shift starts to happen.
00:09:59.620 --> 00:10:05.139
And I've talked about this difference before here on the episode of it isn't about delegation, right?
00:10:05.299 --> 00:10:07.139
Delegation doesn't lighten our load.
00:10:07.299 --> 00:10:18.100
What lightens our load is transferring the complete ownership, meaning you are no longer the glue for that specific category.
00:10:18.500 --> 00:10:21.940
Back to our grocery shopping example.
00:10:22.100 --> 00:10:27.779
The way you can truly not be the glue there means you're not making the list.
00:10:27.940 --> 00:10:30.819
You're not the one noticing what you're almost out of.
00:10:31.059 --> 00:10:42.100
You're not the one coordinating with other family members what are the right granola bars that you like this week, the scheduling of when it's going to be done, and coordinating that amongst plans.
00:10:42.579 --> 00:10:45.619
That is transferring of ownership.
00:10:45.940 --> 00:10:54.339
When you transfer ownership, meaning you are no longer the glue for something, it means that somebody else owns the entirety of it.
00:10:54.579 --> 00:11:02.500
The noticing, the tracking, the deciding, the remembering the consequences of it not getting done, right?
00:11:02.660 --> 00:11:06.019
And you are out of it completely.
00:11:06.660 --> 00:11:19.619
The more we can inside of homes and partnerships today, whether it's parent to children, whether it's co-parents, whatever it is, the more that we can start to share this glue, right?
00:11:19.700 --> 00:11:27.220
That we're recognizing no one person is the glue for everything, the lighter the load for everybody.
00:11:27.380 --> 00:11:28.259
Well, that's that's not true.
00:11:28.420 --> 00:11:38.019
The lighter the load is not for everybody because now some of the load is going elsewhere, but it creates so much more awareness, partnership, in it togetheredness, et cetera.
00:11:38.259 --> 00:11:46.740
And unfortunately, this is not something that we're really being taught that's being taught about in homes, that's being discussed openly.
00:11:46.980 --> 00:11:51.380
And so most women, all we're being told is delegate, ask for help.
00:11:51.539 --> 00:11:54.660
And then we're left wondering, why don't I feel any better?
00:11:54.819 --> 00:11:56.180
Why am I still tired?
00:11:56.339 --> 00:11:59.619
And then we end up going, it's just easier if I do it, right?
00:11:59.859 --> 00:12:08.099
Because the reality is it is, because we haven't transferred everything with that particular task over to someone.
00:12:08.339 --> 00:12:11.220
This has been fascinating here in our household this year.
00:12:11.299 --> 00:12:18.579
As I mentioned earlier, my husband has now become the glue in a very time-intensive part of our life.
00:12:18.819 --> 00:12:24.259
My mother-in-law has recently moved here close to us into assisted living.
00:12:24.500 --> 00:12:26.740
And he is now the glue.
00:12:26.819 --> 00:12:28.660
He is the holder for all of it.
00:12:28.900 --> 00:12:41.700
Her appointments, her medications, paperwork, phone calls, advocating all of it, all the stuff that often goes unnoticed that other people are managing.
00:12:41.940 --> 00:12:47.940
He's the one scheduling the things, managing the billing, catching something that maybe the facility missed.
00:12:48.019 --> 00:12:53.460
And he's the one in the evenings that's that's talking to me about concerns, worries, et cetera.
00:12:53.779 --> 00:12:56.420
He is 100% the glue.
00:12:56.579 --> 00:12:57.539
And I am not.
00:12:57.700 --> 00:13:03.940
I am now a doer in that part where sometimes there are tasks or things that I can step in and support.
00:13:04.259 --> 00:13:14.500
This has opened the door to really great conversations in our home because now there is a real understanding of being the glue, right?
00:13:14.660 --> 00:13:17.380
And all that goes, that goes into that.
00:13:18.180 --> 00:13:29.059
What I love about this is that we are now together experiencing, you know, the ride that is the ups and downs of being the glue stick.
00:13:29.619 --> 00:13:43.779
So if you are someone that is currently the holder for everything and you are feeling overwhelmed by it, I am here to tell you just simply asking for help is likely not going to fix that.
00:13:43.940 --> 00:13:48.420
It is time to actually get it completely off your plate.
00:13:48.579 --> 00:13:50.019
No more delegating.
00:13:50.180 --> 00:13:56.579
It's time to take the entirety of ownership and transfer it to someone else in your home.
00:13:56.900 --> 00:13:59.220
Delegating will keep the load on you.
00:13:59.460 --> 00:14:02.740
Transferring of ownership moves it off for good.
00:14:02.980 --> 00:14:05.220
So people always ask, but Megan, where do I start?
00:14:05.299 --> 00:14:05.539
Right?
00:14:05.619 --> 00:14:06.579
What if it's done wrong?
00:14:06.819 --> 00:14:16.660
Here's what
you're gonna do: you're gonna pick something that you do not have a strong emotional connection to the to how it looks on the other end.
00:14:16.900 --> 00:14:25.299
Pick something that requires noticing, manage, maintaining, scheduling, et cetera, and transfer the whole thing over, the entirety of it.
00:14:25.539 --> 00:14:33.539
And the best way to do that, instead of just saying, hey, I need you to manage a grocery, grocery shopping, right, is define what does that include?
00:14:33.700 --> 00:14:35.619
What is the definition of done?
00:14:35.779 --> 00:14:41.059
So it might be, hey, I need you to, you know, ask everybody in the house what their current snacks are.
00:14:41.220 --> 00:14:43.220
I need you to check the pantry to see what we're low on.
00:14:43.380 --> 00:14:48.339
I need you to do, you know, plan four dinners for the week, make the list, go do the shopping, come back.
00:14:48.500 --> 00:14:56.660
Now you're transferring everything: the noticing, the making, the managing, the scheduling, all of it.
00:14:56.900 --> 00:15:01.140
And that's a very different conversation than here's a list, go be the doer.
00:15:01.380 --> 00:15:06.259
This is now bringing in the holder and the glue into the conversation.
00:15:06.660 --> 00:15:15.779
So again, if you've been delegating a lot and you do not feel any less overwhelmed, delegating likely, rarely does it lighten our load.
00:15:16.099 --> 00:15:18.339
Transferring that ownership, right?
00:15:18.500 --> 00:15:20.660
That's what moves the weight.
00:15:20.900 --> 00:15:27.380
And now that you have kind of a word for what you've been looking for, you can start recognizing it.
00:15:27.539 --> 00:15:38.819
I see it all the time when I am simply delegating or looking for a doer versus noticing where are there pockets where I need to do full transferring of ownership, right?
00:15:38.900 --> 00:15:40.579
Because there's always room for both.
00:15:40.740 --> 00:15:50.180
Things where you're just the doer can be helpful and we need that, but it's not going to chip away at that overwhelm if that has been creeping up.
00:15:50.339 --> 00:16:00.579
And if you are looking for a really great way to maybe start those conversations with your partner, I highly, highly recommend getting a book by Dr.
00:16:00.740 --> 00:16:04.259
Morgan Cutlip called A Better Share.
00:16:04.339 --> 00:16:06.019
It's a fantastic book.
00:16:06.180 --> 00:16:23.380
I know a lot of couples that have read it together, and it really helps give great conversation, great talking points, et cetera, to really start working on untangling this you being the glue for absolutely everything in your household.
00:16:23.619 --> 00:16:28.099
So I hope you have a fantastic week and as always, happy planning.
00:16:29.700 --> 00:16:36.099
Getting on top of all things, time management, organization, and productivity doesn't have to stop just because this episode is over.
00:16:36.339 --> 00:16:45.619
If you are feeling overwhelmed, your calendar's out of control, or you're just running in a race that will never end in terms of your to-do list, I have great news for you.
00:16:45.859 --> 00:16:50.099
I have an app in both the App Store and Google Play called the Pink Bee.
00:16:50.259 --> 00:16:56.420
And it is chopped full of small but incredibly powerful trainings to help you get out of overwhelm.
00:16:56.660 --> 00:17:04.660
It includes my signature Ditch the Overwhelm training and introduction to my time management framework built specifically for women.
00:17:04.900 --> 00:17:13.539
So open up either your App Store or Google Play, do a search on the word the Pink Bee, all one word, and download the app to get started today.