TRANSKRIPT 🔗
WEBVTT
1
00:00:19.730 --> 00:00:21.629
That was We Did It Before, and we can do
2
00:00:21.649 --> 00:00:24.309
it again from the Broadway show Banjo Eyes, played by
3
00:00:24.329 --> 00:00:27.250
the orchestra. And now, ladies and gentlemen, we bring you
4
00:00:27.289 --> 00:00:29.390
a man who gave a big party last Thursday at
5
00:00:29.429 --> 00:00:32.810
his home in Beverly Hills. A host whose Christmas dinner
6
00:00:32.880 --> 00:00:37.079
was the greatest thing since Harper's Bizarre Diet, Jack Benny!
7
00:00:37.640 --> 00:00:46.960
Thank you, thank you, thank you. Hello again, this is
8
00:00:46.979 --> 00:00:50.539
Jack Benny talking, and Don, for a man who ate
9
00:00:50.539 --> 00:00:53.520
15 stalks of celery, and heaven knows how many when
10
00:00:53.579 --> 00:00:56.840
I wasn't looking. You're a fine one to complain. But
11
00:00:56.939 --> 00:00:59.479
after all, Jack, that's all there was to eat. Celery
12
00:00:59.520 --> 00:01:06.030
and ham hocks. Ham hocks? I had turkey. You had
13
00:01:06.090 --> 00:01:06.609
ham hocks.
14
00:01:06.629 --> 00:01:16.269
Sticking that feather duster in him didn't fool anybody.
15
00:01:16.310 --> 00:01:21.079
Look, it fooled Dennis because he asked for the breast. Anyway, Don,
16
00:01:21.140 --> 00:01:23.319
ham hocks are marvelous. I'm crazy about them.
17
00:01:23.420 --> 00:01:25.340
Well, I'm glad of that, because my wife says the
18
00:01:25.379 --> 00:01:27.099
next time you come to our house, that's all you're
19
00:01:27.120 --> 00:01:27.480
going to get.
20
00:01:27.500 --> 00:01:31.000
Well, that's the cheapest thing I ever heard of. You've
21
00:01:31.040 --> 00:01:34.540
got a backyard full of chickens. Anyway, Don, regardless of
22
00:01:34.579 --> 00:01:38.159
what you say, my party was a success. Hello, Jack. Oh, hello, Mary.
23
00:01:38.519 --> 00:01:40.459
Say, Jack, do you notice anything new today?
24
00:01:40.959 --> 00:01:43.439
Well, let's see. Are you wearing a new dress?
25
00:01:43.900 --> 00:01:44.400
No.
26
00:01:45.439 --> 00:01:45.959
New shoes?
27
00:01:46.260 --> 00:01:46.760
No.
28
00:01:47.739 --> 00:01:48.420
New pocketbook?
29
00:01:48.739 --> 00:01:49.159
No.
30
00:01:49.930 --> 00:01:51.810
Well, I give up. What's new about you?
31
00:01:51.909 --> 00:01:55.730
I'm wearing that lousy mascara you gave me for Christmas.
32
00:01:59.769 --> 00:02:02.390
Now, just a minute, young lady. In that gorgeous hand-painted
33
00:02:02.430 --> 00:02:05.430
gift box, you also found a lipstick and talcum powder
34
00:02:05.799 --> 00:02:09.639
and bath salt and a beautiful pink and white washcloth.
35
00:02:09.719 --> 00:02:12.300
The washcloth I already returned to the Ambassador Hotel.
36
00:02:15.270 --> 00:02:16.949
That didn't come from the hotel. It was made by
37
00:02:16.990 --> 00:02:22.479
the Ambassador Knitting Mill. Read before you return. Speaking of
38
00:02:22.520 --> 00:02:24.620
Christmas presents, I've got a good notion to tell Don
39
00:02:24.659 --> 00:02:26.699
what you gave me. What was it, Jack? A lot
40
00:02:26.740 --> 00:02:27.750
of thought she put into it.
41
00:02:28.120 --> 00:02:30.159
Well, it was useful. You've got to admit that.
42
00:02:30.259 --> 00:02:32.759
Sure, useful. Well, what was it, Jack? What did Mary
43
00:02:32.810 --> 00:02:38.349
give me for Christmas? A nutcracker for coconut. So big
44
00:02:38.389 --> 00:02:39.270
I can't even lift it.
45
00:02:40.479 --> 00:02:41.919
Well, I was going to get you muscles, but I
46
00:02:41.960 --> 00:02:44.800
didn't know where to buy them.
47
00:02:47.719 --> 00:02:50.500
Very funny. Well, I'll tell you one thing, Mary. You
48
00:02:50.520 --> 00:02:52.180
can take that present you gave me right back to
49
00:02:52.199 --> 00:02:54.240
the May Company. First thing in the morning.
50
00:02:54.340 --> 00:02:56.199
You take it. Every time I go there, I forget
51
00:02:56.219 --> 00:02:57.060
and punch the clock.
52
00:02:57.080 --> 00:03:02.550
All right, I'll take it back myself. But the next time... Hey,
53
00:03:02.569 --> 00:03:03.229
look at Dennis.
54
00:03:03.409 --> 00:03:05.090
What's the matter with him? Where?
55
00:03:06.009 --> 00:03:13.310
Oh, hello, Dennis. Hello. Well, what's the matter with you?
56
00:03:13.530 --> 00:03:14.770
Just ask me how my girl is.
57
00:03:14.830 --> 00:03:19.979
Go ahead, ask me. All right, Dennis, how's your girl?
58
00:03:20.060 --> 00:03:24.000
She can go sit on a taxi. What's this all about?
59
00:03:24.030 --> 00:03:26.139
What's wrong between you and your girl? Well, I gave
60
00:03:26.159 --> 00:03:28.500
her some beautiful earrings for Christmas, and just because I
61
00:03:28.539 --> 00:03:32.620
swallowed one, she slapped me. Well, for... Dennis, how in
62
00:03:32.659 --> 00:03:34.419
the world did you happen to swallow one of your
63
00:03:34.479 --> 00:03:36.960
girl's earrings? I was whispering something to her, and I
64
00:03:37.000 --> 00:03:37.939
got too confidential.
65
00:03:41.639 --> 00:03:41.759
Oh.
66
00:03:42.659 --> 00:03:43.740
Well, that could happen.
67
00:03:43.900 --> 00:03:44.759
But only to him.
68
00:03:45.240 --> 00:03:47.319
You said it. Anyway, don't worry, Dennis. You and your
69
00:03:47.370 --> 00:03:48.090
girl will make up.
70
00:03:48.280 --> 00:03:48.780
Oh, yes.
71
00:03:49.060 --> 00:03:50.710
As soon as I get my bicycle back, I'm going
72
00:03:50.729 --> 00:03:53.900
to give her the air. Well, I... I don't blame you.
73
00:03:54.099 --> 00:03:56.840
I sold over 8,000 magazines to get that bicycle.
74
00:03:56.879 --> 00:04:06.849
It's mine. All right, all right. Forget about your girl
75
00:04:06.930 --> 00:04:10.280
and your bicycle. Change the subject. Say, Dennis, did you
76
00:04:10.289 --> 00:04:12.639
have a good time at my Christmas party? Yeah, but gee,
77
00:04:12.659 --> 00:04:21.699
the turkey sure made me thirsty. It was a little salty,
78
00:04:21.779 --> 00:04:24.019
but you had fun, though, didn't you,
Load full transcript
Dennis? You certainly
79
00:04:24.180 --> 00:04:25.220
met a lot of celebrities.
80
00:04:25.439 --> 00:04:26.639
What do you mean, celebrities?
81
00:04:26.959 --> 00:04:29.680
I mean movie stars. Ginger Rogers was there, wasn't she?
82
00:04:29.879 --> 00:04:32.079
Ginger Rogers' car broke down and she stopped in to
83
00:04:32.160 --> 00:04:33.079
use your telephone.
84
00:04:33.279 --> 00:04:40.170
Whoever walks in that front door is a guest. Whether
85
00:04:40.189 --> 00:04:46.120
it's Ginger or Moivin. And there were other stars there, too. Oh, say, Don,
86
00:04:46.139 --> 00:04:48.079
did you read any notices about my party in the
87
00:04:48.139 --> 00:04:51.420
society pages? I imagine all the papers covered it, huh?
88
00:04:51.800 --> 00:04:53.819
No, Jack, I looked, but I didn't see a word
89
00:04:53.870 --> 00:04:54.550
about your party.
90
00:04:55.209 --> 00:04:56.350
Oh. Oh, you didn't, huh?
91
00:04:56.410 --> 00:04:58.149
Well, I saw a swell write-up, Jack.
92
00:04:58.350 --> 00:05:03.649
Where, where? Who, who, who? Who did it? Where, what, where, where? Wait, wait, wait.
93
00:05:03.689 --> 00:05:04.430
Where'd you see a write-up?
94
00:05:05.250 --> 00:05:06.889
In the downtown shopping news.
95
00:05:07.110 --> 00:05:09.509
Oh. Oh.
96
00:05:09.939 --> 00:05:11.420
I thought you'd like to read it, so I clipped
97
00:05:11.459 --> 00:05:14.279
it out. Get a load of this, fellas. Jack Benny's
98
00:05:14.319 --> 00:05:17.269
Christmas party last Thursday was one of the outstanding events
99
00:05:17.310 --> 00:05:20.930
of the Beverly Hills social season. Well... Among those present
100
00:05:20.949 --> 00:05:26.889
were Rodney Dangerfield, the cowboy star, Barney Dean, Stella Buggenhaven....
101
00:05:27.220 --> 00:05:29.560
That's Rodney's leading lady, remember?
102
00:05:29.800 --> 00:05:31.639
And your reporter, Scoop Scoopsky.
103
00:05:31.879 --> 00:05:34.350
Good old Scoop. Go on, Mary.
104
00:05:34.370 --> 00:05:38.589
Delicious ham hocks a la Duster were enjoyed by all.
105
00:05:38.750 --> 00:05:41.970
Ham hocks? Quiet. Go ahead, Mary.
106
00:05:43.949 --> 00:05:46.129
And the highlight of the evening was when Miss Ginger
107
00:05:46.170 --> 00:05:48.050
Rogers stopped in to use the telephone.
108
00:05:48.410 --> 00:05:50.310
I'll never forget the look on Scoop's face.
109
00:05:50.819 --> 00:05:53.500
After dinner, the guests retired to Mr. Benny's rumpus room,
110
00:05:53.779 --> 00:05:57.519
which was tastefully decorated with holly, mistletoe, and a huge bag.
111
00:05:57.899 --> 00:06:03.040
That was the present Mr. Billingsley gave me. Oh. Boy,
112
00:06:03.079 --> 00:06:10.629
am I going to have flowers. What else does it say, Mary?
113
00:06:11.009 --> 00:06:13.410
The party broke up around 10 p.m. when the ace
114
00:06:13.470 --> 00:06:15.540
of spades fell out of Barney Dean's sleeve.
115
00:06:21.480 --> 00:06:24.060
For a minute there, I thought Rodney was going to
116
00:06:24.079 --> 00:06:27.480
shoot him. That was a lovely notice, Mary. Well, Dennis...
117
00:06:27.579 --> 00:06:29.120
Give it to me, Mary. I'll send it to my father.
118
00:06:29.519 --> 00:06:33.269
He thinks I'm cheap. Well, Dennis, it's time for a song,
119
00:06:33.329 --> 00:06:34.079
so how about it?
120
00:06:34.269 --> 00:06:35.129
Say, I thought Mr.
121
00:06:35.149 --> 00:06:37.389
Dangerfield did take a shot at him. Dennis, we won't
122
00:06:37.449 --> 00:06:42.610
discuss those things now. Let's have your song. Okay. Hold it.
123
00:06:42.850 --> 00:06:46.850
Come in. Mr. Benny? Yes? Happy New Year, you I wish,
124
00:06:47.129 --> 00:06:50.160
and season's greetings so delish. I hope your days are
125
00:06:50.180 --> 00:06:52.709
bright and sunny. Well, thank you, sir. You're welcome, honey.
126
00:06:53.310 --> 00:06:57.269
Get out of here! Sing, Dennis. I must call up
127
00:06:57.310 --> 00:07:16.250
Barney and see if he needs another transfusion. That was
128
00:07:16.310 --> 00:07:19.629
Who Called, sung by Dennis Day. And, Dennis, that was swell.
129
00:07:19.990 --> 00:07:22.110
By the way, kid, before I forget it, I want
130
00:07:22.129 --> 00:07:24.470
to thank you for that lovely Christmas present you sent me.
131
00:07:24.750 --> 00:07:28.189
Shaving cream is one thing I can always use. Yes, sir.
132
00:07:28.269 --> 00:07:29.449
That wasn't shaving cream, Mr.
133
00:07:29.470 --> 00:07:29.670
Benny.
134
00:07:29.689 --> 00:07:39.050
That was a tube of anchovy paste. Oh, anchovy paste. Hmm.
135
00:07:39.689 --> 00:07:43.870
I was wondering why it didn't lather. And now, ladies
136
00:07:43.930 --> 00:07:47.810
and gentlemen... Hmm, the cat kept licking my face all morning.
137
00:07:48.689 --> 00:07:51.329
That should have tipped me off right there. Oh, well.
138
00:07:52.310 --> 00:07:54.910
And now, ladies and gentlemen... Hiya, fellas. Well, tomorrow's the
139
00:07:54.930 --> 00:07:58.029
big night. You got your reservation in, Jackson? What reservation?
140
00:07:58.069 --> 00:08:00.189
You know, me and the boys. We're opening downtown at
141
00:08:00.209 --> 00:08:04.920
the Biltmore Bowl. Oh, yes, that's right. Hmm, Wilshire Bowl,
142
00:08:05.019 --> 00:08:07.480
Biltmore Bowl... You and your orchestra have been in more
143
00:08:07.519 --> 00:08:08.839
bowls than a pair of chopsticks.
144
00:08:09.220 --> 00:08:10.060
Hey!
145
00:08:10.500 --> 00:08:12.730
Yeah, that's all right. I'm going to pull that tomorrow night.
146
00:08:12.750 --> 00:08:15.209
Can I have that gag, Jackson? It's yours for two bucks, Phil.
147
00:08:15.230 --> 00:08:18.050
That's what I paid for it. I'll be glad to
148
00:08:18.089 --> 00:08:21.019
get out from under. Say, Phil, what kind of a
149
00:08:21.040 --> 00:08:22.540
show have you got lined up for the opening? Ah,
150
00:08:22.579 --> 00:08:25.230
it's terrific. First, we're going to play some straight band numbers,
151
00:08:25.269 --> 00:08:27.579
then sing a lot of novelty songs, and
then Charlie
152
00:08:27.600 --> 00:08:31.720
Bagby's going to do a soft shoe dance. Uh, Bagby,
153
00:08:31.759 --> 00:08:34.100
your piano player? Does he dance? No, but we got
154
00:08:34.120 --> 00:08:38.019
to get him up. That stool needs painting. Oh. And then,
155
00:08:38.210 --> 00:08:40.610
on the late show, Frankie, my guitar player, is going
156
00:08:40.629 --> 00:08:43.490
to get up and do some acrobatic tricks. Look, Phil,
157
00:08:43.590 --> 00:08:46.110
on the late show, if Frankie just gets up, I'll
158
00:08:46.149 --> 00:08:52.509
give him a hand. Believe me. And don't tell us
159
00:08:52.570 --> 00:08:53.840
any more, you'll spoil it.
160
00:08:54.220 --> 00:08:56.080
Say, Phil, you're opening going to be formal?
161
00:08:56.100 --> 00:08:58.559
Do I have to dress? Well, you ought to wear something.
162
00:09:00.919 --> 00:09:04.090
Always an answer. That Harris is a clip. A clip?
163
00:09:14.419 --> 00:09:22.960
That hair is in a clip. What a character. Say, Bill,
164
00:09:23.159 --> 00:09:24.919
shall we tell.
165
00:09:25.100 --> 00:09:27.460
Shall we tell Jack the surprise we got cooked up
166
00:09:27.480 --> 00:09:28.100
for the opening?
167
00:09:28.139 --> 00:09:29.820
Yeah, Jackson, Mary and me are going to do a
168
00:09:29.840 --> 00:09:32.120
cute little number called How About You. You know, it's
169
00:09:32.139 --> 00:09:33.980
the one that Mickey Rooney and Judy Garland sing in
170
00:09:34.000 --> 00:09:36.940
their new picture. Hey, that ought to be good. And listen...
171
00:09:37.149 --> 00:09:39.850
If you want another great idea, how about... Oh, this
172
00:09:39.909 --> 00:09:42.570
is terrific. How about in the second chorus, if I
173
00:09:42.590 --> 00:09:44.129
pick up my violin and play.
174
00:09:44.169 --> 00:09:45.409
See what I told you, Phil?
175
00:09:46.620 --> 00:09:48.600
Listen, Mary, it's Phil's opening, and if he wants me
176
00:09:48.639 --> 00:09:51.460
to play a violin solo, that's his business. Eh, Philsy?
177
00:09:51.539 --> 00:09:53.419
Them ham hocks I ate, but the violin is over
178
00:09:53.460 --> 00:10:06.769
my dead body. All right, all right.
179
00:10:06.889 --> 00:10:08.710
Say, Phil, why don't you and Mary try out that
180
00:10:08.730 --> 00:10:09.669
song for us tonight?
181
00:10:09.830 --> 00:10:12.090
All right, come on, Mary, let's show them how it goes. Okay.
182
00:10:12.269 --> 00:10:13.929
All right, go ahead, but if you hear a violin
183
00:10:13.970 --> 00:10:16.509
in the second chorus, don't be surprised. Go ahead, let's
184
00:10:16.529 --> 00:10:21.350
have the song. Wait a minute. I'll take it. Hello?
185
00:10:21.669 --> 00:10:22.120
Hello, Mr.
186
00:10:22.149 --> 00:10:22.340
Benny.
187
00:10:22.360 --> 00:10:23.220
This is Rochester.
188
00:10:24.159 --> 00:10:26.259
What do you want? I was just wondering, boss, can
189
00:10:26.299 --> 00:10:28.059
I have tomorrow night off on account.
190
00:10:27.799 --> 00:10:28.500
Of New Year's Eve?
191
00:10:29.419 --> 00:10:32.909
Rochester, New Year's Eve isn't until Wednesday night. Well, I
192
00:10:32.929 --> 00:10:34.570
want to let my hair down. It'll take me two
193
00:10:34.610 --> 00:10:44.639
days to drink the curl out of it. Now, Rochester,
194
00:10:44.679 --> 00:10:50.159
let me make one thing clear. You're getting New Year's off, Eve.
195
00:10:50.179 --> 00:10:53.509
You're getting New Year's Eve off, and that's all. And furthermore,
196
00:10:53.590 --> 00:10:55.690
I want you to be back to work at 9 a.m.
197
00:10:55.710 --> 00:11:00.009
the next morning. 9 a.m.? Yes, 9 a.m. Okay. If
198
00:11:00.070 --> 00:11:01.710
I ain't in the kitchen, look in the rose bushes.
199
00:11:05.860 --> 00:11:08.299
I'm not going to hunt for you. Now, look, Rochester,
200
00:11:08.320 --> 00:11:09.519
there are a lot of things you can do on
201
00:11:09.580 --> 00:11:13.019
New Year's Eve besides drinking... You can throw confetti. Uh-huh.
202
00:11:13.419 --> 00:11:17.159
And you can blow horns. Uh-huh. And break balloons. Uh-huh.
203
00:11:17.519 --> 00:11:20.000
And when midnight comes and the old year passes out...
204
00:11:20.000 --> 00:11:20.850
I want to go with it!
205
00:11:21.179 --> 00:11:28.269
Rochester!
206
00:11:28.289 --> 00:11:31.309
Rochester, believe me, I know what I'm talking about. You'll
207
00:11:31.350 --> 00:11:33.250
feel much better the next day if you stick to
208
00:11:33.289 --> 00:11:36.429
ginger ale like I do. Okay, you're the boss. You
209
00:11:36.450 --> 00:11:37.610
mean you're going to stick to ginger ale?
210
00:11:37.850 --> 00:11:39.269
No, just okay, you're the boss.
211
00:11:45.429 --> 00:11:47.009
Well, I don't care what you do, but I want
212
00:11:47.029 --> 00:11:50.769
to see you 9 o'clock the following morning on the job. Goodbye. Goodbye.
213
00:11:51.070 --> 00:11:51.870
Oh, say, boss.
214
00:11:51.889 --> 00:11:54.149
Now what? I forgot to thank you for that beautiful
215
00:11:54.220 --> 00:11:57.120
Christmas present you gave me. That's all right, Rochester. I
216
00:11:57.139 --> 00:12:00.299
always wanted a fountain pen. That's good. Now that I
217
00:12:00.340 --> 00:12:01.940
got that bottle of ink, I'm going to buy one.
218
00:12:08.899 --> 00:12:11.440
I knew you'd like it. So long, Rochester. So long.
219
00:12:12.360 --> 00:12:14.289
So hard to figure out what to buy him. He
220
00:12:14.370 --> 00:12:17.409
has everything. Now, where were we? Well, Mary and me
221
00:12:17.429 --> 00:12:19.009
are going to give out with that song. Oh, yes,
222
00:12:19.029 --> 00:12:21.490
go ahead. And remember what I said about the second chorus. Sing,
223
00:12:21.529 --> 00:12:24.889
my little chickadees. My writers are working for W.C. Fields now.
224
00:12:33.960 --> 00:12:36.840
I like New York in June. How about you?
225
00:12:38.539 --> 00:12:42.340
I like the Gershwin tune. How about you?
226
00:12:43.059 --> 00:12:46.340
I love a fireside when a storm is due.
227
00:12:47.350 -->
00:12:51.190
I like potato chips, moonlight, and motor drifts. How about you?
228
00:12:52.110 --> 00:12:56.610
I'm mad about good books. Can't get my fill.
229
00:12:56.789 --> 00:12:58.269
And Robert Taylor's looks.
230
00:12:58.909 --> 00:13:01.970
Give me a thrill. Holding hands in a movie show
231
00:13:02.009 --> 00:13:04.750
when all the lights are low. May not be new,
232
00:13:05.190 --> 00:13:06.509
but I like it.
233
00:13:06.590 --> 00:13:10.120
How about you?
234
00:13:10.139 --> 00:13:15.460
I like Fred Allen's joker to a degree. I love
235
00:13:15.519 --> 00:13:16.500
the common folk.
236
00:13:19.100 --> 00:13:21.730
That was How About You from the MGM picture Babes
237
00:13:21.799 --> 00:13:25.850
on Broadway, sung by Mickey Harris and Judy Livingston, with
238
00:13:25.889 --> 00:13:30.029
violin hot licks by jiving Jackie Bennet. You see, that
239
00:13:30.110 --> 00:13:32.129
fiddle bit in there really helped the number, didn't it, Mary?
240
00:13:33.289 --> 00:13:40.049
Didn't it, Phil? Didn't it, Don? Didn't it, Dennis? Fool me. Thanks.
241
00:13:42.570 --> 00:13:45.590
And now, ladies and gentlemen, as is our custom at
242
00:13:45.629 --> 00:13:48.129
this time of year, tonight we are going to present
243
00:13:48.309 --> 00:13:52.250
our annual New Year's play entitled The New Tenant, or
244
00:13:52.289 --> 00:13:56.779
Goodbye 41, Hello 42. Now, once again, I will play
245
00:13:56.820 --> 00:13:58.899
the part of the... Say, Mr. Benny, every year you
246
00:13:58.950 --> 00:14:01.870
do one of these plays and I don't understand them. Well,
247
00:14:01.889 --> 00:14:03.830
you see, Dennis, these little sketches we do at the
248
00:14:03.850 --> 00:14:06.710
close of each year are not so much plays as
249
00:14:06.750 --> 00:14:13.720
they are allegorical fantasies. Oh. See, they, um... You see,
250
00:14:13.759 --> 00:14:17.799
they deal with the abstract and the esoteric rather than
251
00:14:17.840 --> 00:14:18.940
with the prosaic.
252
00:14:19.259 --> 00:14:20.299
Oh, for heaven's sake.
253
00:14:20.519 --> 00:14:30.029
Ha-ha! Ha-ha! Do you understand, Dennis? Give me that again,
254
00:14:30.080 --> 00:14:37.740
and if my face lights up, stop. All right. Now, look, kid.
255
00:14:38.059 --> 00:14:41.779
Ladies and gentlemen, while Jack is explaining tonight's play to Dennis,
256
00:14:41.840 --> 00:14:45.600
let me tell you about Jell-O with its new locked-in process.
257
00:14:45.620 --> 00:14:49.230
Jell-O is not only economical and easy to make, but
258
00:14:49.289 --> 00:14:53.330
comes in six delicious flavors. Strawberry, raspberry, cherry.
259
00:14:53.730 --> 00:14:56.990
Orange, lemon, and lime. I thank you. But listen to
260
00:14:57.009 --> 00:15:01.500
the thought behind it. So remember, it's nothing but abstract symbolism.
261
00:15:01.889 --> 00:15:03.399
Have you got it, Dennis? Yes, sir.
262
00:15:03.460 --> 00:15:04.600
Rub a little on me, will you, kid?
263
00:15:06.309 --> 00:15:09.110
Phil,
you've got an important role. You're going to be
264
00:15:09.190 --> 00:15:12.129
Uncle Sam, so study it. Now, in our sketch tonight,
265
00:15:12.190 --> 00:15:14.289
I will play the part of the old year, 1941,
266
00:15:14.269 --> 00:15:17.710
who has been living in a big boarding house called
267
00:15:17.750 --> 00:15:22.230
the United States, run by Uncle Sam and his wife, Columbia. Mary,
268
00:15:22.269 --> 00:15:24.389
you're going to be Columbia, and you have 48 children,
269
00:15:24.970 --> 00:15:26.330
one for each state in the Union.
270
00:15:26.330 --> 00:15:27.570
48 children?
271
00:15:27.649 --> 00:15:31.169
Holy smoke. Well, you were born in 1776.
272
00:15:31.169 --> 00:15:32.549
Oh, well, that's not so bad, then.
273
00:15:32.610 --> 00:15:36.480
Of course not. And, oh, yes, you have some adopted kids, too,
274
00:15:36.500 --> 00:15:40.080
like Puerto Rico, Hawaii, the Philippines, and so on. And
275
00:15:40.120 --> 00:15:42.720
now for our play. As the curtain rises, it is
276
00:15:42.779 --> 00:15:47.159
almost midnight of December 31st. An old man, 1941, is
277
00:15:47.230 --> 00:15:49.669
up in his room, packing his bags and ready to
278
00:15:49.710 --> 00:16:06.159
make his exit. Curtain music. Curtain music. Oh, Columbia. Columbia,
279
00:16:06.179 --> 00:16:07.379
will you come up here, please?
280
00:16:07.740 --> 00:16:09.299
What do you want, 41?
281
00:16:09.299 --> 00:16:11.320
Give me a hand with this packing, will you? Got
282
00:16:11.340 --> 00:16:13.419
to get out of here before midnight and make room
283
00:16:13.460 --> 00:16:14.799
for the new tenant. Oh, yes.
284
00:16:14.860 --> 00:16:16.419
Little 42 will be here any minute.
285
00:16:16.799 --> 00:16:19.399
Boy, am I a wreck. I'm glad I'm not a
286
00:16:19.419 --> 00:16:23.000
leap year. I couldn't stand another day. You're telling me.
287
00:16:23.259 --> 00:16:25.399
You didn't have starch in your beer. You toppled right over.
288
00:16:26.379 --> 00:16:29.610
I do look a little like a tripod. I can
289
00:16:29.629 --> 00:16:35.250
go along with a gag. Hey, where's your husband, Uncle Sam?
290
00:16:35.330 --> 00:16:36.570
I'd like to say goodbye to him.
291
00:16:36.889 --> 00:16:39.269
Oh, he's around someplace. You know, he's been working night
292
00:16:39.309 --> 00:16:39.750
and day.
293
00:16:39.769 --> 00:16:42.330
He sure has. I like the way all your kids
294
00:16:42.389 --> 00:16:45.169
have pitched in and helped him, too. Here comes one
295
00:16:45.190 --> 00:16:46.009
of your boys now.
296
00:16:46.129 --> 00:16:47.450
Yeah, that's my fattest one.
297
00:16:47.789 --> 00:16:48.629
Hello, Texas.
298
00:16:48.750 --> 00:16:50.000
Hello, old farmer.
299
00:16:50.120 --> 00:16:51.240
How are you, ma?
300
00:16:52.240 --> 00:16:54.940
My, my, look at the size of that boy.
301
00:16:55.080 --> 00:16:57.029
Yeah, he's getting a little plump around El Paso.
302
00:17:05.359 --> 00:17:10.880
His Galveston could stand a little reducing, too, right? Fine boy, though. Say, uh, Ma,
303
00:17:10.900 --> 00:17:13.700
have you seen Pa around? I got some new airfields
304
00:17:13.720 --> 00:17:14.480
I want to show him.
305
00:17:14.960 --> 00:17:16.900
Oh, he's out in the yard somewhere, and he's madder
306
00:17:16.920 --> 00:17:17.579
than a hornet.
307
00:17:17.740 --> 00:17:18.700
I'll go look for him.
308
00:17:18.900 --> 00:17:19.940
See you later, Mom.
309
00:17:21.380 --> 00:17:24.440
You know, Columbia, I don't blame Sam for being so
310
00:17:24.500 --> 00:17:24.980
riled up.
311
00:17:25.140 --> 00:17:27.109
You mean about our little adopted daughter, Lulu?
312
00:17:27.420 --> 00:17:29.910
Yep, Lulu. Burns me up just to think of it.
313
00:17:30.450 --> 00:17:32.549
There she was on a Sunday morning out in the
314
00:17:32.589 --> 00:17:36.660
yard picking pineapples. minding her own business, when a swarm
315
00:17:36.700 --> 00:17:39.200
of them darn yellow jackets flew in and stung her
316
00:17:39.240 --> 00:17:39.859
right in the back.
317
00:17:40.160 --> 00:17:42.460
That was a low-down trick if I ever heard of one.
318
00:17:42.720 --> 00:17:44.970
Well, she's got plenty of flit there now. Let them
319
00:17:45.009 --> 00:17:57.380
come back. Hey, Columbia. Columbia, hand me some of that
320
00:17:57.519 --> 00:17:59.799
swing music, will you? Might as well pack that and
321
00:17:59.880 --> 00:18:00.700
take it along with me.
322
00:18:00.880 --> 00:18:01.519
Here you are.
323
00:18:01.700 --> 00:18:11.799
Thanks. Well, I'll just pack it in here in my grip.
324
00:18:12.019 --> 00:18:14.160
You might as well take all these strikes and arguments
325
00:18:14.200 --> 00:18:14.839
with you, too.
326
00:18:14.940 --> 00:18:17.690
Yep, you won't be needing them for a while. No siree.
327
00:18:17.970 --> 00:18:20.009
Hey, old-timer, come over here by the window.
328
00:18:20.269 --> 00:18:26.349
Look! Well, I'll be darned if that mad dog ate off.
329
00:18:26.880 --> 00:18:29.500
Look at that bear chasing him.
330
00:18:29.519 --> 00:18:31.829
Is that a Russian bear? It ain't Carmichael.
331
00:18:31.900 --> 00:18:32.609
Look at him go.
332
00:18:32.809 --> 00:18:34.230
Oh, shut up, Benito.
333
00:18:34.250 --> 00:18:34.980
Who cares about you?
334
00:18:55.579 --> 00:18:57.839
Well, we've got to be out of here before long.
335
00:18:58.299 --> 00:18:59.339
What time is it, Columbia?
336
00:18:59.519 --> 00:19:00.910
About three minutes to twelve.
337
00:19:01.130 --> 00:19:04.990
Hmm. I'd better get finished up here. Don't call them double-crossers!
338
00:19:05.049 --> 00:19:06.789
I'll get even with them if it's the last thing
339
00:19:06.910 --> 00:19:07.369
I do!
340
00:19:07.730 --> 00:19:08.769
Here comes Sam now.
341
00:19:08.789 --> 00:19:12.740
Hello, Uncle Sam. Ain't you gone yet? Nope, got about
342
00:19:12.799 --> 00:19:15.720
two more minutes. Now, calm down, Sam. Don't get excited. Well,
343
00:19:15.759 --> 00:19:17.759
it's about time I got excited.
When I think of
344
00:19:17.799 --> 00:19:20.180
what they're doing to my boy Manila. Well, I don't
345
00:19:20.240 --> 00:19:21.740
blame you. I'm going to kick the teeth out of
346
00:19:21.759 --> 00:19:24.460
them yellow devils. That's about all there is to them anyway.
347
00:19:31.349 --> 00:19:32.369
Atta boy, Sam.
348
00:19:32.829 --> 00:19:36.289
Well, Sam, I'll be leaving you pretty soon. Doggone, look
349
00:19:36.309 --> 00:19:41.279
at that clock. Just got my duds together in time. Hmm,
350
00:19:41.339 --> 00:19:44.319
that's first stroke twelve. Wonder what's keeping the new tenant.
351
00:19:45.220 --> 00:19:46.670
Little fella should be here by now.
352
00:19:46.849 --> 00:19:48.000
Don't worry, he'll show up.
353
00:19:48.410 --> 00:19:51.799
Now, here's a little tip for you, Sam. Just keep
354
00:19:51.819 --> 00:19:54.460
your shirt on, but your sleeves rolled up. Everything will
355
00:19:54.480 --> 00:19:56.180
be all right. Well, when I think of what they
356
00:19:56.220 --> 00:20:00.180
did to Lulu... Take it easy now. Take it easy. Hmm,
357
00:20:00.680 --> 00:20:03.720
times are fleeting. I can't leave till that little shaver
358
00:20:03.779 --> 00:20:04.220
gets here.
359
00:20:04.960 --> 00:20:06.019
That must be him now.
360
00:20:06.400 --> 00:20:12.940
Yeah. Come in. Well... Hello, young fella. You the little
361
00:20:12.980 --> 00:20:13.519
new year?
362
00:20:13.640 --> 00:20:15.180
This ain't a sarong I'm wearing.
363
00:20:16.980 --> 00:20:20.970
That's good. You're going to need a sense of humor, kid.
364
00:20:22.089 --> 00:20:25.289
Come on in. Want to meet Uncle Sam and his wife, Columbia.
365
00:20:25.450 --> 00:20:27.309
Glad to know you, folks. Hello, Sonny.
366
00:20:27.410 --> 00:20:31.069
Hiya, Bob. Make yourself the home. Well, son, I hope
367
00:20:31.109 --> 00:20:31.950
you brought some good.
368
00:20:31.829 --> 00:20:32.410
Things with you.
369
00:20:32.890 --> 00:20:35.259
You like staying in this house. It's the finest home
370
00:20:35.319 --> 00:20:35.779
on the block.
371
00:20:36.000 --> 00:20:39.119
I'm glad to hear that. You better be moving along, old-timer.
372
00:20:39.319 --> 00:20:40.140
I've got work to do.
373
00:20:41.200 --> 00:20:45.619
Yep, might as well be moseying along. But before I go,
374
00:20:45.829 --> 00:20:47.930
I want to give you a little advice. First, take
375
00:20:47.950 --> 00:20:50.750
good care of Uncle Sam here. Let him get mad
376
00:20:50.789 --> 00:20:52.769
when he wants to, but see that he don't fly
377
00:20:52.849 --> 00:20:57.589
off the handle. See what I mean? Take care of
378
00:20:57.630 --> 00:21:00.940
his friends and good neighbors, too. And that Dutch uncle
379
00:21:00.980 --> 00:21:01.200
of his.
380
00:21:01.480 --> 00:21:02.720
Leave it to me, old-timer.
381
00:21:03.259 --> 00:21:06.059
Look, you may have to put out the lights here
382
00:21:06.099 --> 00:21:08.180
in the house once in a while, but see that
383
00:21:08.200 --> 00:21:11.660
that torch at the front gate that's always burning... And say,
384
00:21:11.700 --> 00:21:16.160
before I forget it, Uncle Sam's got a nephew named
385
00:21:16.220 --> 00:21:18.980
Franklin that's taking mighty good care of the old boy.
386
00:21:19.009 --> 00:21:22.009
Ain't he, Sam? You're darn tootin'. So keep an eye
387
00:21:22.089 --> 00:21:24.569
on him, son, and give him all the help you can.
388
00:21:24.849 --> 00:21:27.069
Franklin, huh? Well, I'll write that down.
389
00:21:28.109 --> 00:21:30.519
And as long as you're writing down names, here's another
390
00:21:30.579 --> 00:21:32.339
one for you. Put down Winston.
391
00:21:32.599 --> 00:21:33.099
Winston?
392
00:21:33.279 --> 00:21:33.640
Yep.
393
00:21:34.000 --> 00:21:35.099
Franklin and Winston.
394
00:21:35.779 --> 00:21:37.460
What are these two fellas' last names?
395
00:21:37.920 --> 00:21:39.789
Ain't necessary, son. Everybody knows them.
396
00:21:40.140 --> 00:21:40.710
Anyone else?
397
00:21:41.569 --> 00:21:46.230
Well, let's see. You can put down Chung Kai Shek.
398
00:21:46.549 --> 00:21:49.369
Nice fella. Believe me, he's just as tough as he
399
00:21:49.430 --> 00:21:52.750
is to pronounce. And, oh, there's a lot more of them,
400
00:21:52.789 --> 00:21:56.170
but Sam will give you the names later. Well, gotta
401
00:21:56.190 --> 00:22:00.960
be leaving. So long, Sam. So long, old-timer. Here we go.
402
00:22:01.240 --> 00:22:02.440
So long, 41.
403
00:22:02.420 --> 00:22:05.150
So long, Columbia. Keep them flyin'.