TRANSKRIPT 🔗
WEBVTT
00:00:11.119 --> 00:00:14.240
Hey everybody, welcome back to the Further Forward Podcast.
00:00:14.400 --> 00:00:16.160
I'm your host, Ashley Mitchell.
00:00:16.320 --> 00:00:18.160
It's so nice to be back with you.
00:00:18.320 --> 00:00:19.920
I think it's been about a month, right?
00:00:20.079 --> 00:00:21.039
Maybe a little bit more.
00:00:21.280 --> 00:00:29.440
I definitely, in the last episode, I had said that we would podcast until maternity leave.
00:00:30.079 --> 00:00:34.399
So deprioritizing this podcast was a little bit unexpected.
00:00:34.560 --> 00:00:45.759
However, once I made the pregnancy announcement, and then, you know, as the, as the days went on, something just didn't feel right, authentic.
00:00:46.159 --> 00:00:50.240
Um, something didn't feel, something didn't feel aligned.
00:00:50.320 --> 00:00:52.880
Maybe that's the best, the best phrase.
00:00:53.039 --> 00:01:00.079
And so you haven't heard from me, not because I just got busy and sort of lost track of the podcast.
00:01:00.320 --> 00:01:12.560
You haven't heard from me because I needed to deprioritize the podcast in order to hear those priorities, those intentions, those, you know, those inner longings a little bit better.
00:01:12.799 --> 00:01:20.319
There is definitely um, there's definitely like a few other things that play into that as well.
00:01:20.480 --> 00:01:25.280
One of them being the actual constraint of time, right?
00:01:25.359 --> 00:01:26.560
Before giving birth.
00:01:26.719 --> 00:01:33.680
And so I think, I think when I announced on here, I was 11 or 12 weeks pregnant, something like that.
00:01:33.840 --> 00:01:35.840
So essentially six months to go.
00:01:36.000 --> 00:01:53.920
And so I was, I was thinking, thinking about my birth with Zion and how traumatic it ended up being for me and how the aftermath of that trauma was just so hard for years, for years.
00:01:54.079 --> 00:02:10.240
And a part of it is because it was so unexpected that I, it was, it just was just too hard for me to be present in it, to move through it, because I just couldn't help but continue to think, I can't believe this is happening to me.
00:02:10.319 --> 00:02:11.680
I can't believe this is happening to me.
00:02:11.840 --> 00:02:13.439
This is not what they said it would be like.
00:02:13.599 --> 00:02:14.240
What do I do?
00:02:14.400 --> 00:02:15.439
Where do I go?
00:02:15.680 --> 00:02:23.120
Feeling scared and pissed and embarrassed and oh, so just so many feelings.
00:02:23.280 --> 00:02:26.560
And also those are like just the feelings of just me.
00:02:27.120 --> 00:02:36.879
Like not to mention all of the things that you feel as a new mother and as someone giving birth during a pandemic.
00:02:37.120 --> 00:02:49.360
So I thought with birth six months away, Ashley, it is, it's it's very possible that you're going to have uh a birth that is less than ideal, right?
00:02:49.520 --> 00:02:51.919
It's very possible that you could get sick.
00:02:52.000 --> 00:02:56.879
It's very possible that you could deliver before 40 weeks.
00:02:57.039 --> 00:03:01.360
It's very possible that everything that you don't want to happen could happen.
00:03:01.520 --> 00:03:02.240
It's possible.
00:03:02.400 --> 00:03:09.919
We like to pretend that birth is not a big deal just because so many people do it and people have been doing it for millennia.
00:03:10.000 --> 00:03:12.639
It's just like, you know, oh my God, you're so cute.
00:03:12.719 --> 00:03:13.759
Oh my God, your baby bump.
00:03:13.840 --> 00:03:17.199
Oh my god, da-da-da-da-da, the clothes, the gender reveal, the whatever, whatever, whatever.
00:03:17.360 --> 00:03:18.960
But this is fucking dangerous.
00:03:19.120 --> 00:03:19.439
Okay.
00:03:20.080 --> 00:03:22.240
It's a dangerous thing that happens to the body.
00:03:22.319 --> 00:03:25.599
It is a body-changing thing that happens to the body.
00:03:25.680 --> 00:03:28.800
It is a brain-changing thing that happens.
00:03:28.960 --> 00:03:38.719
I will also say that a lot of mothers perpetuate this too, because in our panic over losing ourselves, the fact that we even think of it as losing ourselves, right?
00:03:38.879 --> 00:03:42.639
But in that panic, we also try to minimize it.
00:03:42.800 --> 00:03:49.439
We're also trying to just get back to quote unquote normal as quickly as possible, as if that is even fucking possible.
00:03:49.520 --> 00:03:51.280
There is no going back.
00:03:51.520 --> 00:03:56.000
Once you move forward, you know too much to try to go back.
00:03:56.240 --> 00:03:58.960
You can't unsee the forward, right?
00:03:59.120 --> 00:04:00.560
You just have to move through it.
00:04:00.719 --> 00:04:18.879
And so by trying to pretend like birth didn't happen or like your body never carried a baby, or trying to live a life and a schedule as if you're not a mother, to me, it perpetuates this idea that motherhood is not that big of a deal, that being pregnant is not that big of a deal.
00:04:19.040 --> 00:04:27.360
And so I thought if my birth was going to be in some ways the same, how would I spend the next six months?
00:04:27.519 --> 00:04:31.279
What would be the most important people, places, and things in my life?
00:04:31.439 --> 00:04:38.319
And when I was answering that question initially, this podcast was not, was not one of the things that made that list.
00:04:38.480 --> 00:04:39.680
So I'll tell you what did.
00:04:39.920 --> 00:04:42.800
The first thing was my family.
00:04:43.040 --> 00:04:47.680
This is the last time that our family will look like this.
00:04:47.839 --> 00:05:01.360
And so it was really special to me to just make sure we reveled in that, to make sure we had a lot of fun, to make sure my child knew that he is loved and we are so delighted by him.
00:05:01.519 --> 00:05:11.839
We enjoy him, we enjoy laughing with him, we enjoy going to dinner with him, we enjoy watching movies with him, we enjoy all the things that that we do.
Load full transcript
00:05:12.079 --> 00:05:14.000
And of course there are annoying moments.
00:05:14.160 --> 00:05:17.680
He's five, but also I'm annoyed by almost everyone.
00:05:18.560 --> 00:05:22.399
The age doesn't really, the age doesn't really matter, right?
00:05:22.639 --> 00:05:29.519
I'm not trying to paint this like picture perfect thing where everything's blissful and we're all, you know, running through lavender fields together.
00:05:29.759 --> 00:05:38.079
But all in all, you know, we create an environment where we're just not always annoyed and overstimulated.
00:05:38.160 --> 00:05:39.279
We're just not.
00:05:39.519 --> 00:05:43.519
It happens and then we move out of it until it happens again.
00:05:45.279 --> 00:05:48.720
So family was one for sure.
00:05:49.439 --> 00:05:55.920
And then there was this aspect of my work, of my teaching, of being in person with folks.
00:05:56.079 --> 00:05:59.600
So I was subbing a lot of classes, teaching a lot.
00:06:00.079 --> 00:06:03.199
I relaunched my private training group.
00:06:03.360 --> 00:06:08.240
We were training out of my dear, dear girlfriend's house during the spring.
00:06:08.560 --> 00:06:11.839
And uh, so I started renting a space.
00:06:12.000 --> 00:06:15.680
And so we have our own gym space in the morning.
00:06:15.839 --> 00:06:24.480
I've been able to partner with another local nonprofit to teach yoga to women who are recovering from substance abuse.
00:06:24.639 --> 00:06:31.040
And I've also re-redone what is the right word?
00:06:31.199 --> 00:06:35.680
Like I've remained the way I'm saying it is wrong.
00:06:36.000 --> 00:06:37.680
The well, I'll say it this way.
00:06:37.920 --> 00:06:46.879
The Pilates Matte training that I originally got a few years ago started to feel unsatisfying and incomplete the more I teach Pilates.
00:06:47.199 --> 00:06:52.399
It's one of those, like, the more you know, the more you realize you don't actually know kind of things.
00:06:52.560 --> 00:06:57.600
And so I felt like I really wanted to redo this training.
00:06:57.759 --> 00:07:02.480
Now I'm stop trained on the reformer, and I wanted to be stop trained in that.
00:07:02.639 --> 00:07:04.639
I really love the method.
00:07:04.720 --> 00:07:06.000
I love what I've learned.
00:07:06.160 --> 00:07:08.800
It has just really been life-changing.
00:07:08.959 --> 00:07:12.720
And there's one particular teacher that I wanted to learn from.
00:07:13.040 --> 00:07:20.480
And the only way that I was going to be able to do it before this pregnancy was to train now.
00:07:21.199 --> 00:07:23.920
So it's a 95-hour training.
00:07:24.079 --> 00:07:29.279
I've done the first 30 hours of the actual coursework and learning.
00:07:29.439 --> 00:07:33.680
And now the final 60 hours will be all of the observation and teaching and stuff like that.
00:07:33.920 --> 00:07:40.639
But, you know, all of these things that I said to you, like these were the things that I most wanted to do, right?
00:07:40.800 --> 00:07:46.240
I had to also make sure I prioritize continuing to write, right?
00:07:46.319 --> 00:07:48.959
This memoir process is fucking brutal.
00:07:49.120 --> 00:07:54.800
It's brutal because the more you can't just, you can't just tell a story, right?
00:07:54.959 --> 00:08:02.000
You can't just, I don't know, you can't just be like, oh, my mom picked up a vase and threw it across the room and it shattered everywhere.
00:08:02.240 --> 00:08:14.959
You have to like give all the context and the color, and which means then you have to remember the context and the color, which means that sometimes I'm just sitting there crying.
00:08:15.839 --> 00:08:22.319
The more I remember, the more my body remembers things that I've suppressed and haven't wanted to talk about.
00:08:22.480 --> 00:08:29.680
You know, it just makes the process, it's something that cannot be rushed because it is so deeply felt.
00:08:29.839 --> 00:08:33.600
So all of these things had to come before other things.
00:08:33.759 --> 00:08:36.399
I haven't spent a ton of time with friends this summer.
00:08:36.559 --> 00:08:40.399
One of my girlfriends, I see her because she'll take class occasionally.
00:08:40.639 --> 00:08:42.879
We'll just grab a coffee after class.
00:08:42.960 --> 00:08:44.320
And it's like little chit-chat.
00:08:44.399 --> 00:08:45.519
Thank you, love you, bye.
00:08:45.679 --> 00:08:47.279
See you the next time, right?
00:08:47.519 --> 00:08:50.000
If everything is a priority, then nothing is a priority.
00:08:50.240 --> 00:09:03.840
And I think I, generally speaking, feel guilty if I can't be the person who's able to fit it all in or do everything, even though I already do a lot.
00:09:04.000 --> 00:09:11.279
There's still this guilt that creeps up that's like, oh, yeah, I'm doing these seven things over here, but then I haven't done these seven things over there.
00:09:11.440 --> 00:09:12.639
And what are people gonna think?
00:09:12.799 --> 00:09:14.080
And are my friends gonna hate me?
00:09:14.159 --> 00:09:16.080
And and does that mean I'm not moving forward?
00:09:16.240 --> 00:09:17.200
And da-da-da-da-da.
00:09:17.360 --> 00:09:18.960
I just get in my head.
00:09:19.120 --> 00:09:23.519
And every time I do, I have to be like, hello, you are giving birth.
00:09:23.679 --> 00:09:25.360
It may or may not go well.
00:09:25.600 --> 00:09:27.279
What fucking choice are you gonna make?
00:09:27.440 --> 00:09:28.159
What are you gonna do?
00:09:28.320 --> 00:09:30.080
You're gonna run around to make everybody else happy?
00:09:30.320 --> 00:09:32.240
You're gonna run around to make everybody else comfortable?
00:09:32.399 --> 00:09:36.320
You're gonna miss out on being with your family, or you're gonna lose sleep.
00:09:36.480 --> 00:09:37.360
What are you gonna give up?
00:09:37.519 --> 00:09:40.559
What are you gonna give up to make other people happy or to make other people comfortable?
00:09:40.720 --> 00:09:44.399
And what I keep coming back to is
the answer has to be absolutely fucking nothing.
00:09:44.559 --> 00:09:46.399
That's what it has to be, right?
00:09:47.679 --> 00:09:57.120
The external voice says, you know, things have to be a certain way, that consistency at the cost of everything else is what matters.
00:09:57.279 --> 00:10:04.399
The external voice is about putting things in boxes and categories, and there's a right way and the wrong way, right?
00:10:04.480 --> 00:10:06.480
The external voice is very black and white.
00:10:06.639 --> 00:10:25.360
But the internal voice, at least for me, is more about journeys and in order to, in order to be able to see what is coming in order to grow, in order to create a path, in order to find excellence, you just have to start.
00:10:25.600 --> 00:10:28.559
And people may not like it, but it's not their journey.
00:10:28.720 --> 00:10:37.039
So I've been trying to also let go of this expectation of by deprioritizing the podcast for a time that I was somehow doing something wrong.
00:10:37.600 --> 00:10:52.960
The end of the pod a month ago signaled the beginning of these other areas of my life that flourished, which then led me to remember, okay, I actually really love the podcast.
00:10:53.120 --> 00:10:56.080
I miss the podcast and I miss talking to other women.
00:10:56.240 --> 00:10:58.159
I miss writing on Substack.
00:10:58.240 --> 00:11:05.679
I miss some of the things that I had to let go of, actually aren't things that long term I want to go away.
00:11:05.840 --> 00:11:07.679
So then that becomes great information.
00:11:07.840 --> 00:11:13.279
So then that it's just, okay, now you look for a window where this makes sense.
00:11:13.440 --> 00:11:17.360
So that's how I, that's how I sort of have been reconciling it.
00:11:17.519 --> 00:11:18.480
Does any of that make sense?
00:11:18.639 --> 00:11:19.120
I hope so.
00:11:19.279 --> 00:11:19.840
I don't know.
00:11:20.080 --> 00:11:23.840
I also read this incredible book called Inside the Box by David Epstein.
00:11:24.879 --> 00:11:29.919
And in this book, he talks about this idea of bottlenecks and constraints.
00:11:30.000 --> 00:11:37.840
And I've thought about this a lot as well as I was just trying to reshape my time, which I know I'll continue to do, right?
00:11:37.919 --> 00:11:44.399
Because as the pregnancy progresses, I might feel differently and I might have to continue to reshape my time again and again and again.
00:11:44.639 --> 00:11:52.480
But he talks about constraints as like the things that aren't moving, right?
00:11:52.559 --> 00:11:56.080
Like a constraint is my commute time every week.
00:11:56.320 --> 00:12:02.480
Unless I quit my jobs, plural, this time cannot be moved.
00:12:02.639 --> 00:12:05.679
This time in the car cannot be moved, this time teaching cannot be moved.
00:12:05.840 --> 00:12:08.159
I cannot re-jigger this time.
00:12:08.399 --> 00:12:23.759
So I actually did a practice of writing down all of my constraints because as someone who thinks that they can fit more in than they can, as someone who tries to do it all, even to her detriment, I needed to see where the constraints were.
00:12:23.919 --> 00:12:28.240
And then the bottlenecks are kind of like where everything is getting stuck.
00:12:28.480 --> 00:12:32.240
Just think of a bottleneck when you're driving on the road, right?
00:12:32.320 --> 00:12:35.360
And where traffic is created, where things are slowed down.
00:12:35.519 --> 00:12:43.840
And so I thought about, I mean, even the mere making everything a priority is a bottleneck because everything cannot be a priority.
00:12:44.000 --> 00:12:54.639
So trying to give equal weight and equal time to things that don't deserve it creates like sludge, emotional, physical sludge in the system.
00:12:54.799 --> 00:13:00.879
I say this to you because sometimes I feel like a crazy person, like all I do is talk about the same things.
00:13:01.120 --> 00:13:07.600
But in reality, all we're doing is the same thing over and over again in every stage of life, in every season.
00:13:07.840 --> 00:13:10.080
What do I want and what is holding me back?
00:13:10.240 --> 00:13:12.320
And the only way you can get there is to pause.
00:13:12.480 --> 00:13:14.320
And now there are many different tools to do this.
00:13:14.399 --> 00:13:16.080
There are many different books you can read.
00:13:17.360 --> 00:13:33.600
But at the end of the day, if you don't do the work to either push stuff out of the way or put stuff on the back burner, or journal these questions, or talk to a therapist or whatever, if you don't know the answers, you're gonna continue to spin the fuck out.
00:13:33.759 --> 00:13:35.759
You're gonna continue getting the same results.
00:13:36.000 --> 00:13:45.919
I don't think that life pours it on because there's some deity or some divine source that hates you.
00:13:46.080 --> 00:13:51.440
I don't think that there's some spiritual thing out in the universe that's like, you know what?
00:13:51.600 --> 00:13:54.799
I'm gonna fuck up Ashley's life today because she deserves it.
00:13:54.879 --> 00:13:58.080
Like, I just don't believe that that's even possible.
00:13:58.320 --> 00:14:06.639
But I do believe that when life pours it on, when I feel like I'm flailing or failing, I believe that it's meant to reveal something.
00:14:06.879 --> 00:14:09.039
Pain is always a signal, right?
00:14:09.200 --> 00:14:12.720
It's a signal that something needs to be paid attention to.
00:14:12.960 --> 00:14:29.440
So if I'm feeling overwhelmed, if I'm feeling like everything is too much, then I just need to stop and identify like who and what deserves my time because it's not worth it to me to feel that way, especially over a prolonged period of time.
00:14:29.600 --> 00:14:31.200
It's not how I want to live my life.
00:14:31.360 --> 00:14:40.720
And I think that if you don't make those decisions, or if you don't take the time to do that investigative work, you just keep repeating the same lessons.
00:14:40.879 --> 00:14:42.720
You can change jobs as much as you want.
00:14:42.879 --> 00:14:46.240
You could marry somebody else, you could have different friends, whatever.
00:14:46.399 --> 00:14:48.240
But like sometimes you are the problem.
00:14:48.399 --> 00:14:49.679
Sometimes it's your pattern.
00:14:49.759 --> 00:14:54.480
That's why the same shit keeps coming up because you just keep accepting the same shit.
00:14:54.639 --> 00:14:56.720
And I don't want to be accepting the same shit.
00:14:56.879 --> 00:15:02.559
So, what I can say to you is that I like doing this podcast.
00:15:02.639 --> 00:15:03.679
I like being here.
00:15:03.840 --> 00:15:06.799
And if you like being here with me, you should stay.
00:15:06.879 --> 00:15:07.600
And that's it.
00:15:07.759 --> 00:15:15.440
Next week, I am dropping an episode that I did a month or two ago with my friend Beth.
00:15:15.600 --> 00:15:16.879
Yeah, I've been sitting on this.
00:15:16.960 --> 00:15:17.600
And you know what?
00:15:17.679 --> 00:15:26.000
You know what's so funny is that Beth, because she is my sister friend, she didn't even ask.
00:15:26.320 --> 00:15:29.200
She didn't even dare ask.
00:15:29.440 --> 00:15:30.960
When is the episode coming out?
00:15:31.120 --> 00:15:32.480
What's going on with the podcast?
00:15:32.559 --> 00:15:34.639
No, because she already knows.
00:15:34.879 --> 00:15:38.159
She already knows that I know what I'm doing.
00:15:38.240 --> 00:15:49.679
And she knows that I will go into these little holes of making meaning and figuring things out, and I will re-emerge and something will be better for it.
00:15:49.759 --> 00:15:51.759
And that is the cycle over and over again.
00:15:51.919 --> 00:15:56.879
So this episode is finally going to come out next week, next Thursday, with me and Beth.
00:15:57.039 --> 00:15:59.440
So hopefully, I will see you then.
00:15:59.759 --> 00:16:00.399
Bye.