Fuld transskription af The Default Parent Trap: Why Is It So Hard to Let Go?

WEBVTT 00:00:00.160 --> 00:00:06.719 A few weeks ago Dennis was taking Ailish to the playground and I noticed he didn't have snacks. 00:00:07.040 --> 00:00:14.960 Now, I'm the playground parent in our family about 99% of the time, so I know the snacks. 00:00:15.119 --> 00:00:23.760 I know which water bottle to bring, I know what will keep Ailish entertained, and what time hunger is going to hit. 00:00:24.480 --> 00:00:28.239 And the words were right there, sitting in my mouth. 00:00:28.559 --> 00:00:30.160 Did you bring snacks? 00:00:30.480 --> 00:00:34.320 Four words, and very helpful ones I would argue. 00:00:35.920 --> 00:00:37.759 But I didn't say them. 00:00:38.719 --> 00:00:43.200 What surprised me was how hard it was not to. 00:00:43.840 --> 00:01:11.280 And if you ever typed out the reminder text and deleted it before you hit send, or watched someone load the dishwasher in a way you would never load it and walked out of the room so you wouldn't say anything, or caught yourself answering an email that was somebody else's before they even had a chance to open it, then you know exactly how loud the sentence you don't say can get. 00:01:14.159 --> 00:01:24.719 Welcome back to Unscripted, a Mantaring Podcast, the show for the ambitious working mother who is everyone's default and is finally ready to hear her own voice again. 00:01:25.040 --> 00:01:35.040 I'm Andy Salcedo, I'm a coach, a working mother, and the founder of Manthearing, the coaching brand and community for working moms behind this show. 00:01:35.599 --> 00:01:47.920 And if you want honest conversations about what it's really like to be everyone's default, the things nobody sees, and the reasons we keep carrying them, make sure you follow Unscripted. 00:01:48.079 --> 00:01:53.760 It's a small way of making space for yourself in the middle of everything else you're carrying. 00:01:56.239 --> 00:02:02.959 Last week I talked about what it's like to be the default parent, the one everybody goes to first. 00:02:03.519 --> 00:02:20.719 I told you I was never only worried about the forgotten bag, I was worried about what it said about me as a mother, and I ended up by asking why so many of us keep taking full ownership of everything, even when it's exhausting. 00:02:21.199 --> 00:02:31.919 This week I want to show you where all of that lives in my own house, and why letting go can feel even harder than holding on. 00:02:32.400 --> 00:02:35.840 If you missed last week, it's worth going back to. 00:02:54.639 --> 00:02:59.680 So Dennis took her and I stayed home to help Sophia with something she needed. 00:02:59.919 --> 00:03:12.240 But I've done the playground hundreds of times, and I know what can turn a perfectly happy Ailish into someone negotiating with the United Nations over a granola bar. 00:03:12.639 --> 00:03:13.919 I have data. 00:03:15.039 --> 00:03:23.120 So when I saw Dennis getting ready without them, a part of me wanted to step in right then, and I didn't. 00:03:23.599 --> 00:03:25.840 I thought this is his. 00:03:26.479 --> 00:03:30.000 He's taking her, he's in charge, so it's his. 00:03:31.199 --> 00:03:40.719 But then I had to sit there holding information I knew would make things go better and choose not to hand it over. 00:03:41.280 --> 00:03:46.879 Which I know it sounds ridiculous when we are talking about a granola bar. 00:03:48.080 --> 00:03:50.319 But here's what I started to see. 00:03:50.639 --> 00:03:55.759 What I was handing Dennis wasn't only the job of taking Ailish to the park. 00:03:56.000 --> 00:03:58.719 I was handing him the outcome too. 00:03:59.199 --> 00:04:04.879 She might get hungry, he might buy something there, they might come home early. 00:04:05.199 --> 00:04:09.759 Or he might have a plan that hadn't even occurred to me. 00:04:10.000 --> 00:04:26.399 And if I gave him the job and then anticipated every possible problem, reminded him what to bring, checked what he'd done, and stepped in before anything could go wrong, I hadn't really given him ownership. 00:04:26.639 --> 00:04:28.480 I'd given him tasks. 00:04:29.120 --> 00:04:32.639 Plus, he would say, Yes boss. 00:04:33.439 --> 00:04:34.879 Because he loves saying that. 00:04:35.040 --> 00:04:36.480 He loves calling me boss. 00:04:36.720 --> 00:04:38.720 Maybe I am a little bit of a bossy. 00:04:38.959 --> 00:04:39.759 I don't know. 00:04:40.079 --> 00:04:49.040 Now, this made me wonder why was it so hard for me to keep those very simple four words in my mouth? 00:04:49.360 --> 00:04:51.759 Are you bringing any snacks? 00:04:52.000 --> 00:05:00.959 The way I've learned to talk about this comes from internal family systems and the book No Bad Parts by Richard Schwartz. 00:05:01.279 --> 00:05:06.240 There's one idea from the book that changed how I hear myself. 00:05:06.560 --> 00:05:11.680 When I say I'm controlling, I'm completely inside of it. 00:05:11.920 --> 00:05:14.560 I can't really see the part anymore. 00:05:14.800 --> 00:05:19.839 It just feels like me, and the judgment comes along for the ride. 00:05:20.160 --> 00:05:23.360 Oh my god, Andy, just let it go. 00:05:23.839 --> 00:05:27.279 Why can't you let anybody else do anything? 00:05:27.839 --> 00:05:32.240 In IFS that's called being blended with a part. 00:05:33.120 --> 00:05:40.720 But when I say there's a part of me that wants to take control right now, something shifts. 00:05:40.959 --> 00:05:48.800 There's me, and there's this other part over here yelling, SNACs woman! Snacks. 00:05:50.800 --> 00:05:57.040 And the goal isn't to get mad at her, because she's very good at her job. 00:05:57.360 --> 00:05:58.560 Think about it. 00:05:58.879 --> 00:06:02.079 She remembers the forms and answers the emails. 00:06:02.319 --> 00:06:08.560 She puts everything in the calendar, checks the backpacks, thinks three steps ahead. 00:06:08.720 --> 00:06:18.560 And she's a big reason a family with two kids, a career, two schools, and a hundred appointments and birthdays somehow keeps