Fuld transskription af When the World Feels Unsafe: How to Navigate Fear, Grief and Tragedy

up. 02:20.142 --> 02:24.925 [SPEAKER_00]: And we're going to share a little bit of like when we found out about this and then what we're going to do. 02:25.565 --> 02:28.546 [SPEAKER_00]: But I just wanted to set that stage Sally Elizabeth. 02:28.586 --> 02:30.727 [SPEAKER_00]: How are you guys coming into today, Sally? 02:30.747 --> 02:32.428 [SPEAKER_00]: Why don't you share first? 02:32.448 --> 02:33.428 [SPEAKER_00]: How are you coming into today? 02:36.843 --> 02:49.996 [SPEAKER_02]: I had time with my therapist this morning, which was super helpful, and I'm just grateful that the Lord had the time in and away that all of my parts had not all of them, but the ones that really needed to be heard. 02:50.256 --> 02:52.558 [SPEAKER_02]: I mean, I was able to work through it and kind of process that. 02:54.079 --> 02:56.480 [SPEAKER_02]: For me, my system really needed to go and see. 02:57.900 --> 02:59.781 [SPEAKER_02]: I have a pretty strong denial part. 03:00.381 --> 03:05.283 [SPEAKER_02]: And I think it was important for my system for that part to actually see. 03:06.303 --> 03:16.746 [SPEAKER_02]: So before I came here, I actually drove by and over on the school a couple of times just witnessed mean, the people that were there, all the outpouring of love that has been extended. 03:18.367 --> 03:20.547 [SPEAKER_02]: Just the evidence of what happened. 03:24.370 --> 03:24.650 [SPEAKER_02]: heavy. 03:25.050 --> 03:27.033 [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, I think it's heavy. 03:27.153 --> 03:30.317 [SPEAKER_02]: It's a little word that really setting with me right now. 03:30.557 --> 03:30.918 [SPEAKER_00]: Mm-hmm. 03:31.278 --> 03:31.418 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah. 03:31.478 --> 03:31.939 [SPEAKER_00]: Absolutely. 03:32.239 --> 03:32.920 [SPEAKER_00]: Elizabeth, how about you? 03:35.207 --> 04:03.909 [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, I mean, I think heavy is the right word and, you know, just the span of our kids and their ages and their understanding and their closeness to what happened and trying to be present to each of them and check in on each of them, our son, one of the little boys that was killed was the son of his seventh grade teacher. 04:05.550 --> 04:18.716 [SPEAKER_01]: And so there's a real closeness there and then for Scarlet, her best friends, three little brothers were all at the school when it happened and she lives two streets over. 04:19.556 --> 04:31.782 [SPEAKER_01]: Her dad is a firefighter and heard the shots and sprinted to the school and just joined in on helping and was able to find his boys and give them a hug. 04:33.683 --> 04:40.127 [SPEAKER_01]: But so, you know, it's one thing to read about these things in a headline when they're not in your city. 04:40.267 --> 04:43.229 [SPEAKER_01]: It's another thing, even to know that they are in your town. 04:43.849 --> 04:52.074 [SPEAKER_01]: It's a whole nether to have like close connection, and then as you said, it being a special need to classroom. 04:52.234 --> 04:53.275 [SPEAKER_01]: I mean, it just... 04:54.375 --> 05:14.525 [SPEAKER_01]: Even having to tell my special needs daughter who knew it was a special needs classroom and to try to like Delineate for her like That that doesn't like even helping her again see there's a large range in Special needs that doesn't mean that the kid was just like you and did this and you know what I mean like making like how do I? 05:15.065 --> 05:18.167 [SPEAKER_01]: What do I need to help with with with that? 05:18.487 --> 05:32.505 [SPEAKER_01]: So it's a lot and yet I feel equipped in large part because of you Sally and I think that's so grateful for having this conversation today because parents need to be equipped. 05:32.745 --> 05:36.090 [SPEAKER_00]: Yes and for anyone's background if you haven't heard of Sally 05:36.490 --> 05:49.559 [SPEAKER_00]: Yet, you are the one that's in the dark and you've been missing, but Sally's a dear friend, but she's also an amazing therapist and has a massive, beautiful story history and education, but also a lived life. 05:50.780 --> 05:55.904 [SPEAKER_00]: And so, just so trusted, and so couldn't think of a better person to have this conversation with. 05:55.924 --> 05:58.386 [SPEAKER_00]: I also want to just maybe, maybe make mention. 05:58.926 --> 06:04.010 [SPEAKER_00]: The interesting thing about this for all of us is we're what days is Monday morning. 06:04.090 --> 06:10.876 [SPEAKER_00]: So this all started the first of that we heard of the shooting the shooting happened on Thursday. 06:11.556 --> 06:15.660 [SPEAKER_00]: We were in the middle of getting ready for our motherhood retreat in Portland, and 06:16.160 --> 06:34.519 [SPEAKER_00]: which it was just we will have an episode on that and I mean so grateful for what God did to all the ladies that came it was just a beautiful, beautiful time and that's not to take time off of or attention off of what happened in the tragedy it's so much of life is beauty and pain all mixed at the same time. 06:35.340 --> 06:57.119 [SPEAKER_00]: But we're about to enter this beautiful weekend that everyone's been praying into preparing for that mass and it was actually my first hearing of it is Scarlet our daughter was getting ready to sing and she was with the band and we had the whole crew from passion city church and scars, you know, leading worship with them and she's about to step on stage. 06:57.139 --> 06:59.981 [SPEAKER_00]: She's already kind of nervous because she's like these are like elite people and she's only 14. 07:00.982 --> 07:19.747 [SPEAKER_00]: So she was already kind of nervous and she's like my friend just heard about this and she was just sobbing and and so in that moment I'm trying to with my daughter go Uh, I don't know how real like is this real and nothing was confirmed yet It was just like with no news and we're nothing that we knew everything was locked down and I'm trying to know what's happening 07:19.967 --> 07:26.491 [SPEAKER_00]: She's like getting ready to step on stage to do this thing that

she's been preparing for, but she's pretty messed up emotionally. 07:26.831 --> 07:31.614 [SPEAKER_00]: And so in that moment, I was just like, we need to pray. 07:31.814 --> 07:33.415 [SPEAKER_00]: You have a job and responsibility. 07:33.515 --> 07:34.876 [SPEAKER_00]: We don't know what we don't know yet. 07:34.956 --> 07:36.237 [SPEAKER_00]: So we need to pray for these people. 07:36.257 --> 07:37.157 [SPEAKER_00]: We need to pray for you. 07:37.738 --> 07:38.638 [SPEAKER_00]: We'll find out a lot. 07:38.738 --> 07:39.819 [SPEAKER_00]: You can't do anything right now. 07:39.839 --> 07:41.280 [SPEAKER_00]: So why don't you step into what you need to do? 07:42.180 --> 07:44.842 [SPEAKER_00]: Um, but I mean, it was just so jarring for even for her, obviously. 07:44.862 --> 07:50.205 [SPEAKER_00]: And so I want us to just say, like, for us, tragedy brings up the deepest fears that we have as parents. 07:51.006 --> 07:53.327 [SPEAKER_00]: And so that's why we're talking about this. 07:53.667 --> 07:56.969 [SPEAKER_00]: And that's why we want to have a conversation around what to do. 07:57.170 --> 08:02.233 [SPEAKER_00]: What do you do with you and what do we do with our families and our kids specifically? 08:02.293 --> 08:03.874 [SPEAKER_00]: How do we help them through these things? 08:03.914 --> 08:04.154 [SPEAKER_00]: Because 08:04.534 --> 08:05.735 [SPEAKER_00]: There's a biblical way to do it. 08:05.755 --> 08:07.096 [SPEAKER_00]: There's a psychological way to do it. 08:07.116 --> 08:08.297 [SPEAKER_00]: There's a therapeutic way to do it. 08:08.397 --> 08:12.641 [SPEAKER_00]: And we just want to put that all together and just say, here's a resource. 08:13.041 --> 08:16.004 [SPEAKER_00]: Lastly, I'll say this and we'll get into kind of what we're wanting to talk about. 08:16.904 --> 08:26.052 [SPEAKER_00]: Is in the show notes of this particular episode, there's a link and there's a PDF that we've created with Sally and are so grateful for it. 08:26.852 --> 08:33.376 [SPEAKER_00]: And it is basically a little bit more of an extended version of this conversation and basically what to do. 08:33.476 --> 08:35.217 [SPEAKER_00]: What scriptures to look at, how to do that. 08:35.257 --> 08:36.698 [SPEAKER_00]: And so that's going to be a free resource. 08:36.818 --> 08:39.079 [SPEAKER_00]: Please, please, please get that, please share it. 08:39.119 --> 08:40.660 [SPEAKER_00]: We'll put it on social media and all those things. 08:41.280 --> 08:44.962 [SPEAKER_00]: But we are just trying to do our best to just help the community. 08:45.482 --> 08:52.887 [SPEAKER_00]: Last thing I'll say is when we were driving home yesterday from the retreat, we thought, like, what is ours to do? 08:53.987 --> 09:15.757 [SPEAKER_00]: No, we don't even know what bend is feeling and we quickly kind of started chatting a little bit They've mentioned like we should we should have a conversation with Sally and so like we need it to respond Yeah, and so this this these are our loves and fishes and we pray God uses them to help But we're excited to be here and get through this and not just get through it But help people through it in a way that hopefully gives hope and 09:16.737 --> 09:16.978 [SPEAKER_00]: And help. 09:17.218 --> 09:21.184 [SPEAKER_00]: So with that, you guys want to start moving through this? 09:21.304 --> 09:21.945 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah. 09:22.205 --> 09:25.770 [SPEAKER_00]: So when tragedy hits close to home, what do we do? 09:26.371 --> 09:31.037 [SPEAKER_00]: Obviously we're going to reference this tragedy that we just experienced with silver rails. 09:31.798 --> 09:48.656 [SPEAKER_00]: Um, but these tragedies happen all the time, I mean not only school shootings, which is just again, have so many questions about that in my own heart, but tragedy in general is happening all the time and so this is going to be applied, something that you can apply to any kind of fear and tragedy just so you know. 09:49.437 --> 09:59.584 [SPEAKER_00]: But I want to talk about caring for yourself first, which almost seems like I have to go serve the other person, but we actually want to slow down and go, hey, actually the first thing you need to do is care for yourself. 09:59.604 --> 10:04.327 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm going to pull up a scripture, but Sally, can you help me understand and help us understand why do we need to do that first? 10:05.062 --> 10:08.943 [SPEAKER_02]: Um, so are you going to pop the second career thing scripture? 10:08.963 --> 10:09.604 [SPEAKER_00]: Yes, I was going to. 10:09.624 --> 10:09.904 [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah. 10:10.064 --> 10:10.964 [SPEAKER_00]: Do you want me to where you got it? 10:11.104 --> 10:12.185 [SPEAKER_02]: No, if you want to do it. 10:12.385 --> 10:12.725 [SPEAKER_00]: I'll do it. 10:13.265 --> 10:16.206 [SPEAKER_02]: Um, I think just if we can read that first. 10:16.546 --> 10:16.806 [SPEAKER_00]: Sure. 10:17.426 --> 10:19.807 [SPEAKER_02]: I think that sets the stage for their first. 10:20.047 --> 10:21.588 [SPEAKER_02]: Um, okay. 10:22.448 --> 10:23.228 [SPEAKER_00]: I have that first. 10:23.348 --> 10:24.489 [SPEAKER_00]: I have a digital version. 10:26.325 --> 10:28.869 [SPEAKER_01]: I'm scared to death, I think it might be bad. 10:28.929 --> 10:30.111 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm just a competition. 10:30.131 --> 10:30.952 [SPEAKER_02]: That's everything. 10:31.052 --> 10:32.174 [SPEAKER_01]: All right, I got it. 10:32.214 --> 10:32.915 [SPEAKER_01]: Do you want to read it? 10:32.935 --> 10:33.215 [SPEAKER_01]: Please. 10:33.535 --> 10:34.497 [SPEAKER_00]: I'd love for you to take it. 10:35.038 --> 10:35.238 [SPEAKER_01]: All right. 10:35.258 --> 10:38.483 [SPEAKER_01]: This is second Corinthians one, three, through seven. 10:38.563 --> 10:38.763 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah. 10:40.069 --> 10:55.780 [SPEAKER_01]: praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort those in

any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. 10:56.360 --> 10:58.542 [SPEAKER_01]: For just as we share abundantly in the 11:00.303 --> 11:02.905 [SPEAKER_01]: so also our comfort abounds through Christ. 11:03.625 --> 11:06.727 [SPEAKER_01]: If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation. 11:07.328 --> 11:14.573 [SPEAKER_01]: If we are comforted, it is for your comfort which produces in you patient endurance of the same suffering we suffer. 11:15.353 --> 11:19.296 [SPEAKER_01]: And our hope for you is firm because we know that just as you share in our 11:23.398 --> 11:23.619 [SPEAKER_00]: Yes. 11:24.019 --> 11:24.719 [SPEAKER_02]: So there it is. 11:25.199 --> 11:35.405 [SPEAKER_02]: That's the reason we cannot give comfort if we aren't in a place of comfort and it's a it's a it's a Biblical thing but it's also neurological. 11:36.006 --> 11:48.333 [SPEAKER_02]: So what are the things that I need to do to bring me comfort and noticing was coming up for me noticing what's what's happening for me in the moment and this I mean tragedy is on a spectrum. 11:48.353 --> 11:50.014 [SPEAKER_02]: I mean when you think about it 11:51.581 --> 12:13.693 [SPEAKER_02]: something that feels like a tragedy to a three-year-old this applies to that because I mean, that's really what's happening at the moment mom said no to a snack this is a tragedy so these things this really applies to that like when that's happening I have to be able to find a place of calm inside of my own nervous system and my own heart and sometimes it's just the 12:15.054 --> 12:21.578 [SPEAKER_02]: Jesus, I don't know what to do, but my eyes are on you, just that breath prayer that can kind of slow things down. 12:22.258 --> 12:42.550 [SPEAKER_02]: So I think very practically it's noticing what's coming up for us and being able to take care of our nervous system first, if that's having a conversation like this with friends that are trusted, that we can be raw and real with all the stuff that's coming up, meeting with our own therapist, going for a walk, whatever the things are that give us that sense 12:44.931 --> 12:55.797 [SPEAKER_02]: And I think just you know what that feels like when you kind of have that you're still it's you're still Amped a little bit, but you kind of have that could chunk like oh, okay, could chunk. 12:55.817 --> 13:01.600 [SPEAKER_02]: I like this word It's it is a therapeutic word that I learned when I was doing my supervision from well it's 13:03.921 --> 13:23.413 [SPEAKER_02]: for her it was she's like you know what that is and I'm like oh yeah I do and she's like and you know what that is when the kids feel that right and I'm like oh yeah I do so it's and you can feel it in your kids yeah there's a kind of a release or a let down and so in some of this that's what we're watching for with our kids when we know they're ready to move to the next 13:25.133 --> 13:27.094 [SPEAKER_02]: part of the processing. 13:27.895 --> 13:29.395 [SPEAKER_02]: Is that in my making sense? 13:29.415 --> 13:29.795 [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah. 13:30.156 --> 13:30.856 [SPEAKER_00]: Absolutely. 13:30.956 --> 13:32.316 [SPEAKER_01]: I have a question for you about that. 13:32.437 --> 13:37.539 [SPEAKER_01]: I'm thinking of because obviously we're talking about this tragedy that hits very close to home. 13:37.579 --> 13:38.639 [SPEAKER_01]: That is very real. 13:38.719 --> 13:40.100 [SPEAKER_01]: That brings up very real feel. 13:40.380 --> 13:40.560 [SPEAKER_01]: Fear. 13:42.022 --> 13:55.631 [SPEAKER_01]: I'm thinking of the person who lives, you know, miles away in another state, maybe has kids in a different stage and it's not hitting us close to home and it's easy to just disassociate from it. 13:55.691 --> 13:56.792 [SPEAKER_01]: That might be the response. 13:56.872 --> 14:05.658 [SPEAKER_01]: Maybe not even a realization that they're not receiving God's comfort or thinking about it and maybe just to like, I'm going to push it over here and not think about it. 14:06.438 --> 14:19.014 [SPEAKER_01]: and then they end up maybe not even ever talking to their kids about it and their kids find about it from somebody else or at school, how does somebody who's like they know it's happening, but they feel completely disconnected from it? 14:19.254 --> 14:25.522 [SPEAKER_01]: What are ways that they get in that space of like able to process it and talk to God about it? 14:25.822 --> 14:26.343 [SPEAKER_01]: That makes sense? 14:26.363 --> 14:27.223 [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, absolutely. 14:27.323 --> 14:29.085 [SPEAKER_02]: I think there's two parts to this. 14:29.626 --> 14:37.393 [SPEAKER_02]: If I live a a long way away from this, I mean, there were, there were times in our history that we didn't know what was going on. 14:37.413 --> 14:41.957 [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, I was going to say, we do not need to see and hear and know all of it. 14:42.537 --> 14:46.441 [SPEAKER_02]: The sad pieces that through social media, our kids are going to find out about it. 14:46.761 --> 14:48.343 [SPEAKER_02]: So yes, we have to be prepared. 14:48.983 --> 15:00.671 [SPEAKER_02]: So, being aware of what's going on and some of these conversation starters with, you know, you might be hearing that something's scary happened in another place, you know, we can have conversations about it. 15:00.751 --> 15:01.571 [SPEAKER_02]: I'm here. 15:01.711 --> 15:02.452 [SPEAKER_02]: Let's talk about it. 15:02.472 --> 15:04.773 [SPEAKER_02]: You want to be the first source of information for them. 15:04.793 --> 15:05.073 [SPEAKER_02]: Yes. 15:05.554 --> 15:06.454 [SPEAKER_02]: So, just inviting. 15:06.494 --> 15:08.816 [SPEAKER_02]: If you hear anything in your curious, come talk to me. 15:10.136 --> 15:27.324 [SPEAKER_02]: But I think it's okay to not, I mean for me, I have a part that dissociates, I mean and it was a very important part of me surviving my childhood that can easily kick the can down the road, which was part of how I got through my

responsibilities and what I felt God called me to do at the motherhood retreat. 15:27.664 --> 15:39.793 [SPEAKER_02]: But coming back, I mean, that was part of the reason that I went and looked because there were parts inside of me that were kind of not handling the dissociative part of me that was kind of like, oh, let's just not, you know. 15:39.833 --> 15:43.336 [SPEAKER_02]: So doing things that can help us, but we want to tie trade. 15:43.376 --> 15:44.456 [SPEAKER_02]: We don't want to traumatize. 15:44.857 --> 15:49.040 [SPEAKER_02]: So just like being, you know, what can my system handle? 15:49.520 --> 15:50.501 [SPEAKER_02]: I didn't get out of the car. 15:51.416 --> 15:52.076 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, there you go. 15:52.276 --> 15:53.097 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, that's interesting. 15:53.117 --> 15:53.457 [SPEAKER_00]: Okay. 15:53.557 --> 15:54.497 [SPEAKER_00]: I drove by. 15:54.637 --> 15:54.997 [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah. 15:55.678 --> 15:57.558 [SPEAKER_02]: I could see where the window was broken. 15:57.579 --> 16:00.240 [SPEAKER_02]: I don't need to see the window that was broken. 16:00.260 --> 16:02.440 [SPEAKER_02]: Do you know I don't need to see inside the school? 16:02.460 --> 16:03.741 [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah. 16:03.881 --> 16:08.783 [SPEAKER_02]: So it's it's knowing what my system can handle without getting flooded and it's helping our kids know. 16:09.083 --> 16:09.243 [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah. 16:09.263 --> 16:11.604 [SPEAKER_02]: So we're not just necessarily watching. 16:13.825 --> 16:19.088 [SPEAKER_02]: what they're doing are saying, but we're watching their bodies, we're watching, we're making eye contact. 16:19.148 --> 16:22.690 [SPEAKER_02]: We're noticing when nobody knows our kids like being our kids. 16:22.710 --> 16:22.910 [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah. 16:23.170 --> 16:23.550 [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah. 16:23.790 --> 16:24.771 [SPEAKER_00]: So it's good. 16:25.611 --> 16:32.094 [SPEAKER_00]: The thing they came to mind immediately, because that's something that I even personally wrestle with, so I'll just name something that I think people do wrestle with 16:33.675 --> 16:45.399 [SPEAKER_00]: Why now is everyone in Bend as an example, hyper-focused on this and you realize because that's actually Communal-based living was actually how things were designed. 16:45.419 --> 16:50.000 [SPEAKER_00]: We were never designed to know about everything happening in every other state and country 16:51.421 --> 16:57.266 [SPEAKER_00]: And that is a, it's an absolute terrible by product. 16:57.366 --> 16:59.928 [SPEAKER_00]: We don't have, it's called compassion fatigue. 17:00.408 --> 17:04.212 [SPEAKER_00]: We just don't have enough capacity to have compassion for everything. 17:04.832 --> 17:09.396 [SPEAKER_00]: And so that's why I think this, this episode, you might be like, where's this coming out of the blue? 17:09.676 --> 17:13.059 [SPEAKER_00]: For us, this is hitting real deep, real close. 17:13.199 --> 17:14.820 [SPEAKER_00]: And you're going to have your own version of this. 17:15.601 --> 17:18.445 [SPEAKER_00]: But it's like, for all of us, we experience tragedy fear and loss. 17:18.485 --> 17:27.156 [SPEAKER_00]: And so, again, I think it is, you don't have, I guess, even to say, you don't have to connect with this exact tragedy in a felt way. 17:27.977 --> 17:31.181 [SPEAKER_00]: But you are going to have to explain it in some way, even if you don't feel it. 17:31.221 --> 17:32.703 [SPEAKER_00]: And so how, and that's really what we want to do. 17:32.723 --> 17:33.665 [SPEAKER_00]: So starting with yourself. 17:34.305 --> 17:43.370 [SPEAKER_00]: And I think it's that idea that our kids don't need parents that never feel afraid, like they don't, they need parents that know what to do when they're afraid. 17:43.410 --> 17:46.851 [SPEAKER_00]: And that's what we're trying to say, so start with you, get back into your body. 17:46.871 --> 17:47.892 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm going to go to number two, but yes. 17:48.572 --> 17:59.098 [SPEAKER_01]: I just want to say, our kids also don't need parents who shield them from every hard thing that they can shield them from, because they are going to be adults who are going to live in a broken world. 17:59.778 --> 18:01.039 [SPEAKER_01]: And so the more that we can, 18:02.179 --> 18:03.320 [SPEAKER_01]: not just model to them. 18:03.360 --> 18:05.421 [SPEAKER_01]: I mean, in perfectly, we're going to model it in perfectly. 18:05.461 --> 18:13.705 [SPEAKER_01]: But model to them, receiving God's comfort, being sad, being angry, being afraid with God and bringing Him into that. 18:14.305 --> 18:26.471 [SPEAKER_01]: And then being able to, like you said, titrate these conversations, the more we can do that, the more we are actually helping them in the future when they're adults, when they face their own heart stuff because they will. 18:32.614 --> 18:41.818 [SPEAKER_02]: We don't shield from distress, but we are in the distress with them, so that's the piece that we have to enter in with them. 18:42.378 --> 18:48.761 [SPEAKER_02]: They will develop all kinds of resiliency, going through this, where trauma gets stuck is when they're alone. 18:49.782 --> 18:55.926 [SPEAKER_02]: So, there's a statement that we have in this PDF that I want to read and parts of this came from a colleague of mine. 18:57.867 --> 19:03.411 [SPEAKER_02]: Our goal is to support our kids in developing skills and tools for life. 19:04.172 --> 19:14.299 [SPEAKER_02]: By gaining awareness of their mental experiences, learning how to regulate their bodies and nervous systems, and develop greater resilience and noticing. 19:15.420 --> 19:19.885 [SPEAKER_02]: offering self compassion and working through difficult emotions and experiences. 19:20.785 --> 19:24.329 [SPEAKER_02]: So this is the context of life. 19:25.050 --> 19:27.212 [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, I hate this happened. 19:27.732 --> 19:32.297 [SPEAKER_02]: I hate that this happened in the sweet little town that I raised my kids in. 19:34.206 -->

19:34.666 [SPEAKER_02]: I hate it. 19:35.226 --> 19:35.426 [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah. 19:35.506 --> 19:42.008 [SPEAKER_02]: And so does everyone else, but this is how we do life with our kids and a world that is dark and broken. 19:42.268 --> 19:42.668 [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah. 19:43.149 --> 19:57.873 [SPEAKER_00]: So well said, and we could talk about this particular angle, but just to reiterate, start with where you are at, because agreed, we can't give what we don't have and can't pass on what we don't possess. 19:58.553 --> 20:06.063 [SPEAKER_00]: So when it comes to kind of pivoting, whether that's with your kids and your family, start the conversation, don't force it. 20:06.203 --> 20:08.045 [SPEAKER_00]: And I think this is a very important part. 20:08.886 --> 20:11.950 [SPEAKER_00]: Some of the nose we have, but I think it's really important is starting with curiosity. 20:11.970 --> 20:13.031 [SPEAKER_00]: You know what have you heard? 20:14.493 --> 20:25.037 [SPEAKER_00]: it's so funny because as I think back to this week and we had all of these very messy touch points with our kids because we were all over the place. 20:25.137 --> 20:43.023 [SPEAKER_00]: You know, like we're having this really nice event and then we have a wonderful nanny that's with Bertie and Sloan because there's no way they're hanging at the event all day like so we were just wouldn't have made it and so you know Duke and Scarlett are helping at the events so there's moments where we're talking of this broken up ways and then you've got you know Bertie and Sloan are in worship like 20:43.403 --> 20:46.064 [SPEAKER_00]: Hey, I think I heard about something in Bend, like, what's happening? 20:46.104 --> 20:58.708 [SPEAKER_01]: Like, oh, no, they kept asking, like, why there was a friend of Scarlett's that was supposed to be there, and then had to turn around and drive back to Bend, and they, you could tell they knew, like, 20:59.508 --> 21:03.449 [SPEAKER_01]: something big would have caused that to happen and they really wanted to know. 21:03.609 --> 21:07.530 [SPEAKER_01]: So they're coming to like in the middle of worship because they wanted to be a part of that. 21:07.830 --> 21:14.072 [SPEAKER_01]: They're coming like finding us in the front row and immediately like whispering in our ears like, why is she not here? 21:14.932 --> 21:21.794 [SPEAKER_01]: And I just obviously that's not the moment for me to say, but you could tell like they knew something was up. 21:22.174 --> 21:25.035 [SPEAKER_01]: And so that happened multiple times in each time I just had to say, 21:26.015 --> 21:28.858 [SPEAKER_01]: I promise I will tell you why she's not here. 21:29.498 --> 21:34.503 [SPEAKER_01]: Now is not the moment for me to tell you, but I promise I will tell you, and it's going to be okay. 21:34.523 --> 21:35.924 [SPEAKER_02]: And what was that like for them? 21:35.964 --> 21:38.427 [SPEAKER_02]: What happened when you said that? 21:38.947 --> 21:40.588 [SPEAKER_01]: It was like momentarily enough. 21:40.789 --> 21:41.049 [SPEAKER_01]: Okay. 21:41.449 --> 21:43.151 [SPEAKER_01]: So until, you know. 21:43.451 --> 21:43.771 [SPEAKER_00]: I don't know. 21:43.831 --> 21:47.955 [SPEAKER_00]: I think I ended up telling them before, because they kept pinging both of us. 21:48.035 --> 21:48.175 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah. 21:48.195 --> 21:49.296 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm really smart about this. 21:49.397 --> 21:49.897 [SPEAKER_00]: Like, yeah. 21:49.917 --> 21:50.858 [SPEAKER_00]: She didn't give me what I wanted. 21:51.038 --> 21:51.338 [SPEAKER_00]: Oh, good. 21:51.378 --> 21:51.739 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah. 21:51.759 --> 21:51.959 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah. 21:52.259 --> 22:10.030 [SPEAKER_00]: So, but eventually, because I had a couple of different moments, I asked, I mean, this is interesting, you know, we asked what you know about what's happened and they said, I think there was, there was somebody, there was a shooting at a school and someone died. 22:10.050 --> 22:14.693 [SPEAKER_00]: So, I already knew, okay, like whatever information they overheard and when you have older kids, FYI, 22:15.413 --> 22:22.456 [SPEAKER_00]: As much as you want to shield your younger kids from information, it's just nearly impossible, you know, because they don't mean to, but they're just talking with their friends. 22:22.476 --> 22:24.357 [SPEAKER_00]: And so they had already known. 22:24.377 --> 22:27.819 [SPEAKER_00]: And so at that point, it was more of a confirmation. 22:27.859 --> 22:29.320 [SPEAKER_00]: Like, yes, you did hear right. 22:29.360 --> 22:30.240 [SPEAKER_00]: That is what happened. 22:30.280 --> 22:32.541 [SPEAKER_00]: And we will talk and just like, we will talk about this. 22:32.581 --> 22:36.003 [SPEAKER_00]: But I think we, I didn't go into crazy details in those moments. 22:36.063 --> 22:36.183 [SPEAKER_00]: But, 22:36.823 --> 22:38.525 [SPEAKER_00]: And that's kind of even the structure. 22:38.545 --> 22:42.249 [SPEAKER_00]: I know we have there as like be curious, listen more than explain. 22:42.810 --> 22:43.711 [SPEAKER_00]: That's a great example. 22:43.731 --> 22:49.497 [SPEAKER_02]: I mean, we've given some examples of kind of if parents need help with how to start. 22:49.597 --> 22:52.540 [SPEAKER_02]: Just even like, what do you know about what's been going on? 22:53.801 --> 23:01.547 [SPEAKER_00]: And I think why I love that, even as you're suggesting is because then you don't give unnecessary information that they can't hold or don't. 23:02.048 --> 23:05.971 [SPEAKER_00]: Maybe we assume sometimes they know more or less than we actually know. 23:05.991 --> 23:08.152 [SPEAKER_00]: And so I couldn't agree with this more. 23:08.192 --> 23:10.254 [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, and letting them lead the conversation. 23:10.815 --> 23:14.257 [SPEAKER_02]: We don't want to give them more information unless they're ready for more information. 23:14.337 --> 23:18.321 [SPEAKER_02]: So as we start that conversation, kind of letting them 23:20.182 -->

23:26.909 [SPEAKER_02]: I think a piece that I want to make sure that, you know, part of this is we're creating containment. 23:27.570 --> 23:36.519 [SPEAKER_02]: So whatever it is that's bubbling up in them, we want to create a space for that to come out and whatever way that needs to come out for our kids. 23:37.199 --> 23:39.341 [SPEAKER_02]: So whatever they need to say, it's okay. 23:39.702 --> 23:42.444 [SPEAKER_02]: I mean, they can have big feelings like I hate this. 23:43.005 --> 23:45.888 [SPEAKER_02]: Oh, you're really, this is really hard for you. 23:46.048 --> 23:46.608 [SPEAKER_02]: Of course. 23:46.708 --> 23:47.469 [SPEAKER_02]: That makes sense. 23:47.869 --> 23:51.473 [SPEAKER_02]: We want to normalize it so that that's going to help bring that register down. 23:51.913 --> 23:53.254 [SPEAKER_02]: So just thinking about, you know, 23:53.955 --> 24:00.318 [SPEAKER_02]: And I don't know why this picture comes up for me, but just like sitting on the floor, having this conversation, like it's okay. 24:00.918 --> 24:20.647 [SPEAKER_02]: And just if they need to be held in their crying or whatever it is, just whatever that is, just letting our bodies, who then comfort us, whatever's coming out, and just kind of reflecting back, you're feeling this, you're thinking this, that makes sense, I'm right here, it's okay. 24:20.667 --> 24:22.588 [SPEAKER_02]: It's okay to think that, it's okay to fill that. 24:22.888 --> 24:36.157 [SPEAKER_00]: Well, one of the things that with that that I want to ask you, Sally, is this idea of not mistaking silence for the absence of emotions, say more about that, because sometimes I think we do that, like, oh, they're silent. 24:36.257 --> 24:39.339 [SPEAKER_00]: They probably didn't really affect them, so that or they can happen. 24:39.379 --> 24:43.401 [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, you're going to have some, and you'll know this in your families. 24:45.262 --> 24:52.305 [SPEAKER_02]: So I'll just kind of use mine as an example, my, my first born, um, just had things going on. 24:52.365 --> 24:53.226 [SPEAKER_02]: She had more needs. 24:53.886 --> 25:03.090 [SPEAKER_02]: And so, it was, my, my, I just focused so much on that, that number two and number three just released. 25:03.110 --> 25:04.951 [SPEAKER_02]: There wasn't a whole lot of mama available. 25:05.471 --> 25:06.412 [SPEAKER_02]: I see that now. 25:07.312 --> 25:19.497 [SPEAKER_02]: But knowing that, if you've got one that's quiet and just pretty reserved and never comes forward with their needs or rarely comes forward with their needs, just on a daily basis, be curious about that, creating space. 25:19.617 --> 25:21.217 [SPEAKER_02]: And I wonder how this is for you. 25:21.878 --> 25:24.599 [SPEAKER_02]: The thing over here happened with your sister, I'm wondering how this is for you. 25:24.939 --> 25:35.402 [SPEAKER_02]: And in the same way, if you have a kid that's just kind of not even entering the conversations just at some point, just a nice quiet little snuggle time, even side by side. 25:36.943 --> 25:37.224 [SPEAKER_01]: Mm-hmm. 25:37.746 --> 25:38.730 [SPEAKER_02]: How's all this for you? 25:39.252 --> 25:39.613 [SPEAKER_02]: Mm-hmm. 25:40.295 --> 25:40.576 [SPEAKER_02]: Okay. 25:41.399 --> 25:41.600 [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah. 25:42.208 --> 25:43.689 [SPEAKER_02]: But just making it a little moment. 25:43.809 --> 25:53.112 [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, that if you're not fine, if it feels too big, if you need some place to talk, you can say anything you need to say to me, I'll be right here with you. 25:53.892 --> 25:56.133 [SPEAKER_02]: Just create that space for them. 25:56.833 --> 26:03.316 [SPEAKER_02]: And as I'm saying that, I'm so sorry to my kids that I couldn't do that when they were little, because I just didn't have it to give. 26:03.496 --> 26:06.077 [SPEAKER_02]: But yeah, I want to give it no. 26:06.157 --> 26:08.758 [SPEAKER_01]: So that others can give it now. 26:09.418 --> 26:09.658 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah. 26:10.546 --> 26:19.890 [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, I'm thinking of a moment last night with our 17 year old, who had driven back to Bend a day before us? 26:19.910 --> 26:21.490 [SPEAKER_00]: I don't know if I know this. 26:21.730 --> 26:32.834 [SPEAKER_01]: And I was just connecting with them because I'd gotten home and I was just asking him, like, I'm just checking in, like, how are you doing? 26:33.575 --> 26:38.296 [SPEAKER_01]: Like, has Bend felt, did it feel really heavy as you were driving back home? 26:40.593 --> 26:42.254 [SPEAKER_01]: I'm good, no, no, it really doesn't. 26:43.155 --> 26:52.923 [SPEAKER_01]: And then I just kind of let it breathe for a minute and he goes, actually, now that I'm thinking of it, yeah, it feels really heavy here. 26:54.244 --> 27:03.372 [SPEAKER_01]: And so even just those check-ins where maybe he's, and I was trying to help him be a little more aware but because I know, then in two days, he's going back to, 27:04.733 --> 27:27.994 [SPEAKER_01]: a school of 1400 kids and I know there's going to be so much anxiety in the air and people processing it in all sorts of different ways and so trying to just equip him with little micromoments of his own processing and I think especially with our teenagers especially in the world that we live in right now where they are seeing far too much. 27:28.815 --> 27:32.599 [SPEAKER_01]: Duke saw Charlie Kirk's assassination before he came home from school. 27:32.879 --> 27:35.823 [SPEAKER_01]: I still haven't even seen it, because I've intentionally not watched it. 27:35.843 --> 27:37.044 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, wait a friend just literally. 27:37.064 --> 27:38.145 [SPEAKER_00]: I haven't even seen this. 27:38.245 --> 27:41.389 [SPEAKER_00]: And he didn't even know what he was watching until he watched it, because everything was so brief. 27:41.409 --> 27:41.869 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah. 27:42.370 --> 27:45.473 [SPEAKER_00]: And that is such a, like, our son doesn't, he doesn't have, you know. 27:45.713 --> 27:45.973 [SPEAKER_00]:

Yeah. 27:46.133 --> 27:56.940 [SPEAKER_00]: You tube internet access social media and I mean that's what we have to prepare yourself for just because you're protecting in one sense doesn't mean you're not going to have to to make space and start the conversation so. 27:57.040 --> 28:03.324 [SPEAKER_01]: So with our teenagers there's so much of the conversation you can't control the traumatic things that they might see because somebody shows them. 28:04.405 --> 28:24.127 [SPEAKER_01]: And so, especially with them, just opening the door of conversation and then giving so much space, it might come out really dramatically because somebody else over here was crying about it, and somebody like, but just creating space for them to be able to process it, and it's, I love your picture of like gathering everybody on the floor. 28:24.928 --> 28:30.049 [SPEAKER_01]: tell you where it happened yesterday for us we're driving getting ready to drive home from Portland. 28:30.069 --> 28:34.310 [SPEAKER_01]: We haven't really talked about it with the younger two or like created that space. 28:35.250 --> 28:41.232 [SPEAKER_01]: And Brooks across the street getting food for him and I, the girls wanted sandwiches. 28:41.252 --> 28:45.873 [SPEAKER_00]: That's a very particular thing you wanted and I was like, oh, look at that. 28:45.913 --> 28:48.314 [SPEAKER_01]: I didn't eat all weekend and I was like, that's what I want. 28:50.254 --> 28:52.355 [SPEAKER_01]: But the kids wanted sandwiches at Whole Foods. 28:52.415 --> 28:55.296 [SPEAKER_01]: And so we're sitting outside waiting for Brooke to come pick us up. 28:55.976 --> 28:57.877 [SPEAKER_01]: And Bertie and Sloan just start talking about it. 28:57.897 --> 29:00.198 [SPEAKER_01]: And they start asking a ton of questions. 29:00.218 --> 29:02.018 [SPEAKER_01]: They wanted to know exactly what happened. 29:02.238 --> 29:02.659 [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah. 29:03.219 --> 29:08.121 [SPEAKER_01]: And I'm like, OK, I think this is for me to have been like, no, this is not the moment. 29:08.221 --> 29:09.681 [SPEAKER_01]: I want it to be more picturesque. 29:09.721 --> 29:10.842 [SPEAKER_01]: I want to feel more ready. 29:10.862 --> 29:11.322 [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah. 29:11.722 --> 29:14.506 [SPEAKER_01]: would have caused more anxiety for them. 29:14.746 --> 29:20.173 [SPEAKER_01]: And they were asking, because it's especially in our hometown, they were asking very detailed questions. 29:20.213 --> 29:21.274 [SPEAKER_01]: How old was the shooter? 29:21.334 --> 29:22.295 [SPEAKER_01]: How did he get the gun? 29:22.455 --> 29:23.176 [SPEAKER_01]: What did he do? 29:23.677 --> 29:25.079 [SPEAKER_01]: How did he get in the classroom? 29:25.679 --> 29:27.061 [SPEAKER_01]: And I needed to answer them. 29:28.022 --> 29:28.542 [SPEAKER_01]: Honestly. 29:30.343 --> 29:38.865 [SPEAKER_01]: So sometimes the conversations you don't necessarily feel ready for, but in that moment, again, you know your kids, I knew in that moment, they needed me to answer honestly. 29:39.905 --> 29:43.326 [SPEAKER_01]: And not edit how they felt. 29:43.446 --> 29:44.966 [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah. 29:45.246 --> 29:51.768 [SPEAKER_01]: And it was so interesting birdy when we were talking about like, because all the schools are kind of closed differently and been this week. 29:51.848 --> 29:52.688 [SPEAKER_01]: Scarlet doesn't have any 29:54.328 --> 30:19.274 [SPEAKER_01]: Duke goes back on Wednesday and our girls are in like a hybrid co-op thing so school's happening Tuesday and they know I was telling them that and I was like how are you feeling about going back to school and birdies like hyperlogical and she just goes I feel fine because I know that there's no shooter anymore and it's not going to happen again and so we're safe and it was just like 30:21.764 --> 30:23.245 [SPEAKER_00]: And we weren't about to untel her. 30:23.265 --> 30:23.365 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah. 30:23.705 --> 30:23.905 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah. 30:24.025 --> 30:27.787 [SPEAKER_00]: Let me just give you other facts that we're talking about. 30:27.807 --> 30:30.628 [SPEAKER_01]: They're security guard at school and how highly trained he is. 30:30.648 --> 30:31.728 [SPEAKER_01]: He's like ex-military. 30:31.788 --> 30:33.929 [SPEAKER_01]: It's like he is job is to keep you safe. 30:34.309 --> 30:35.450 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah. 30:35.670 --> 30:43.633 [SPEAKER_00]: But I mean, what we're talking about in his beautiful is that this, you want to start the conversation and be the kind of parent that your kids can bring every question to you. 30:43.653 --> 30:46.095 [SPEAKER_02]: So what I really want to highlight a couple of things. 30:47.495 --> 31:01.242 [SPEAKER_02]: Checking in with Duke, you just kind of how are you with this which just kind of helped him shift gears a little bit and then I love the words you let it breathe You just you stay there and you just didn't say anything else. 31:01.642 --> 31:01.862 [SPEAKER_02]: I think 31:03.428 --> 31:04.108 [SPEAKER_02]: I will on this. 31:04.488 --> 31:07.029 [SPEAKER_02]: I shouldn't say that I'm not going to project this on anyone else. 31:07.909 --> 31:09.589 [SPEAKER_02]: My issue was always too many words. 31:10.450 --> 31:10.950 [SPEAKER_02]: Too fast. 31:10.970 --> 31:12.110 [SPEAKER_02]: I want to give you all the information. 31:12.130 --> 31:13.750 [SPEAKER_02]: I want to fix it all of a sudden. 31:13.770 --> 31:14.571 [SPEAKER_02]: And I didn't any of that. 31:14.631 --> 31:14.971 [SPEAKER_02]: We don't. 31:14.991 --> 31:15.271 [SPEAKER_02]: We don't. 31:15.291 --> 31:15.811 [SPEAKER_02]: We don't. 31:15.831 --> 31:16.871 [SPEAKER_02]: That's my issue quite often. 31:16.891 --> 31:18.772 [SPEAKER_02]: But just letting it breathe. 31:18.852 --> 31:19.112 [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah. 31:19.152 --> 31:22.973 [SPEAKER_02]: And then he sort of shifted gears and was able to re-engage with you. 31:23.333 --> 31:24.373 [SPEAKER_01]: That's what we're talking about. 31:25.233 --> 31:26.094 [SPEAKER_02]: and then with

your girls. 31:26.154 --> 31:30.780 [SPEAKER_02]: And even in that, like, oh, these are big questions they want really specific information. 31:31.681 --> 31:33.923 [SPEAKER_02]: Breath pairs are amazing. 31:35.565 --> 31:37.007 [SPEAKER_02]: Oh, Jesus, I don't know what to do. 31:37.327 --> 31:37.607 [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah. 31:38.228 --> 31:39.249 [SPEAKER_02]: But my eyes are on you. 31:39.810 --> 31:44.676 [SPEAKER_02]: Just that quick that just invites the spirit, it calms us. 31:46.197 --> 31:53.120 [SPEAKER_02]: in a way that we can begin to just know that the spirit himself is giving us the words. 31:53.660 --> 31:54.740 [SPEAKER_02]: He promises he will. 31:55.200 --> 31:55.681 [SPEAKER_02]: And he will. 31:56.221 --> 32:03.863 [SPEAKER_02]: So just intentionally taking a breath and doing that little breath prayer is it just 32:06.672 --> 32:10.375 [SPEAKER_02]: None of the things that we're saying are going to give people what they need. 32:11.155 --> 32:13.637 [SPEAKER_02]: The spirit will give them what they need and all that's in their mind. 32:14.057 --> 32:18.400 [SPEAKER_00]: I love the space piece and it actually really does tie to the next point. 32:18.440 --> 32:20.742 [SPEAKER_00]: So start the conversation with them. 32:20.822 --> 32:21.482 [SPEAKER_00]: Don't force it. 32:21.762 --> 32:22.643 [SPEAKER_00]: Remember like we talked about. 32:23.763 --> 32:34.647 [SPEAKER_00]: The next one, and connected, it is connected, and we won't spend as much time here, but it is equally important, but cannot pretend to say that they're hyper connected, it's helped them feel safe without dismissing their fears. 32:35.407 --> 32:48.692 [SPEAKER_00]: And so it's a little bit of what I know Elizabeth the story that you shared about our girls, and interestingly enough, is you're at home talking with Duke, and with the girls when I'm getting burritos, I went to our church last night, had this thing about what 32:52.834 --> 32:58.060 [SPEAKER_00]: And so, as people in the community, in touch with myself, Chad, and our executive director went there to see what we can do. 32:58.080 --> 33:07.170 [SPEAKER_00]: And we're praying through different ideas, but it was interesting to note that a lot of people are very fearful. 33:07.990 --> 33:14.414 [SPEAKER_00]: We all are, but I mean, it's just amazing to see kind of the generalized and feel the fear in the air. 33:14.494 --> 33:20.517 [SPEAKER_00]: And so I'm just imagine if we're feeling that as a city, I mean, your home feels that in a deep way. 33:20.537 --> 33:33.145 [SPEAKER_00]: And so I just want to talk about that idea of how we actually, and I want to be practical here for parents, and especially individuals, how do we help people, but our kids feel safe without dismissing their fears because, I'll just say this as we go into it. 33:34.045 --> 33:42.853 [SPEAKER_00]: When my kids feel a lot and feel very fearful, it brings up a bunch of stuff for me and it's chaotic and I just want to do that good old classic thing of going Nope, like to shut it down. 33:42.973 --> 33:52.242 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, yeah, and your find is never made any kid fight And I know that but it's also like when things take over so help us think through this Sally in a way that's helpful 33:53.242 --> 33:55.404 [SPEAKER_02]: So I think this is where the word reflections. 33:56.184 --> 34:02.629 [SPEAKER_02]: I mean, if I can shift my, I don't have to fix it, I don't have to shut it down, all that their feeling is okay. 34:03.209 --> 34:04.410 [SPEAKER_02]: It's okay. 34:04.850 --> 34:15.798 [SPEAKER_02]: It's going to bring stuff up in me, but if I can just like, whatever the parts of me that get activated, just like, yep, that makes sense, and kind of let them know I'm going to come back to you. 34:15.998 --> 34:21.182 [SPEAKER_02]: Like, set them aside, like there may be something I'm afraid of that, but I'm going to set them aside. 34:21.942 --> 34:27.904 [SPEAKER_02]: and then create space for them to just, like, again, we want them to get that stuff out. 34:28.404 --> 34:30.025 [SPEAKER_02]: Like, I'm so scared. 34:30.325 --> 34:31.185 [SPEAKER_02]: I'm so whatever. 34:31.305 --> 34:33.306 [SPEAKER_02]: I'm so, the big feelings. 34:33.426 --> 34:42.550 [SPEAKER_00]: If a kid says that, what's a script that we should, but truly, because I think what I'm going to right now is like, when my kid comes, I'm so scared that I'm, that I might go to school and die. 34:42.870 --> 34:43.870 [SPEAKER_00]: What do I say to that? 34:44.010 --> 34:46.451 [SPEAKER_00]: What do we encourage parents to say to something like that? 34:47.033 --> 34:49.538 [SPEAKER_02]: We reflect back, you're so scared. 34:50.320 --> 34:54.087 [SPEAKER_02]: But we slow it down, you're, of course, you're scared. 34:54.788 --> 34:58.456 [SPEAKER_02]: You're so scared, thinking about going back to school. 34:58.836 --> 34:59.097 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah. 34:59.881 --> 35:02.263 [SPEAKER_02]: And in that, I mean, you can feel it. 35:02.383 --> 35:03.183 [SPEAKER_02]: I can feel it. 35:03.644 --> 35:05.805 [SPEAKER_02]: There's this kachanth that begins to happen. 35:06.186 --> 35:07.567 [SPEAKER_00]: There is, I love that one. 35:07.687 --> 35:16.773 [SPEAKER_02]: And just, even if holding them, because their system is activated and if you put your hand on their test likely, you're gonna feel their heart racing. 35:18.733 --> 35:22.377 [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, and even letting them notice, ooh, I can feel it. 35:22.417 --> 35:26.482 [SPEAKER_02]: Your heart's really racing, let's just be with it. 35:27.183 --> 35:30.567 [SPEAKER_02]: And let's help your heart notice right now. 35:32.589 --> 35:33.089 [SPEAKER_02]: We're safe. 35:34.411 --> 35:35.192 [SPEAKER_00]: I guess we're good. 35:35.352 --> 35:37.234 [SPEAKER_02]: I'm right here, you're right here. 35:38.175 --> 35:39.597 [SPEAKER_02]: We can check things out together. 35:40.547 --> 35:41.748 [SPEAKER_01]: and have them shit with this. 35:41.948 -->

35:45.931 [SPEAKER_02]: And this is that real life example, like I learned all this stuff. 35:46.512 --> 35:48.854 [SPEAKER_02]: And I try to help people with all this stuff. 35:49.094 --> 35:55.339 [SPEAKER_02]: I don't really have little stuff in my home anymore, but I had this experience with my alley, where she was really afraid. 35:55.459 --> 35:57.701 [SPEAKER_02]: And I could see it as your body, my granddaughter. 35:57.841 --> 35:58.182 [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah. 35:58.982 --> 36:05.706 [SPEAKER_02]: and I mean it was a Holy Spirit gave me this all these things that I've been learning and trying to apply I helped her. 36:05.986 --> 36:13.730 [SPEAKER_02]: I mean in that I could feel it in her heart and we moved through it together in a way that her body relaxed. 36:14.490 --> 36:18.693 [SPEAKER_02]: The next she was spending the night the next morning, another sound startled her. 36:19.493 --> 36:22.835 [SPEAKER_02]: Something had happened and it startled her and she looked at me 36:28.335 --> 36:29.076 [SPEAKER_00]: Oh, both here. 36:29.176 --> 36:34.120 [SPEAKER_02]: But see part of what we're doing in this moment is exactly what we talked about the goal is. 36:34.720 --> 36:43.607 [SPEAKER_02]: We're giving them the ability to notice and welcome what's happening, pay attention, honor it, move through it. 36:46.065 --> 36:47.146 [SPEAKER_02]: the feelings aren't bad. 36:47.266 --> 36:48.206 [SPEAKER_02]: They're just feelings. 36:49.187 --> 36:49.968 [SPEAKER_02]: Just move. 36:49.988 --> 36:50.648 [SPEAKER_02]: They're visitors. 36:51.048 --> 36:53.310 [SPEAKER_02]: They let us know things and then we move through. 36:53.950 --> 36:59.694 [SPEAKER_02]: And after the regulation happens, then the logical part of them comes back online. 37:00.054 --> 37:00.354 [SPEAKER_02]: Yes. 37:00.594 --> 37:01.535 [SPEAKER_02]: And we can use words. 37:02.335 --> 37:25.404 [SPEAKER_00]: I think that is probably going to be one of the more powerful tools that I know generationally is not usually picked up and so much of so many of us just naturally go to this is overwhelming I don't have time to deal with this and we squash that emotion and I mean a hundred times out of a hundred for me it does not actually do anything but activate, meditate, make it far worse and so. 37:25.424 --> 37:26.164 [SPEAKER_02]: It's adding fire. 37:26.184 --> 37:27.124 [SPEAKER_02]: It is. 37:27.164 --> 37:31.346 [SPEAKER_02]: The reality is was there ever a time when you were scared 37:32.492 --> 37:33.694 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, yeah, lots. 37:34.114 --> 37:35.576 [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, and who saw you? 37:36.758 --> 37:37.800 [SPEAKER_00]: Not as many people as it oh. 37:38.120 --> 37:38.981 [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, yeah. 37:39.061 --> 37:41.345 [SPEAKER_02]: And for me, I mean, I heard you're fine. 37:41.865 --> 37:42.827 [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah. 37:42.867 --> 37:43.388 [SPEAKER_02]: Don't cry. 37:43.408 --> 37:44.189 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah. 37:44.549 --> 37:45.010 [SPEAKER_02]: You're fine. 37:45.070 --> 37:46.352 [SPEAKER_02]: I mean, and I heard it like that. 37:46.833 --> 37:47.073 [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah. 37:47.605 --> 37:49.026 [SPEAKER_00]: You're like, but I'm not fine. 37:49.106 --> 37:49.867 [SPEAKER_02]: I'm not fine. 37:50.287 --> 37:56.452 [SPEAKER_02]: But okay, some things wrong with me because I'm having these feelings and I'm supposed to be fine. 37:57.053 --> 37:57.633 [SPEAKER_00]: There's shame. 37:58.274 --> 37:59.155 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, there it is. 37:59.835 --> 38:02.878 [SPEAKER_00]: So we unintentionally reinforce shame when we suppress emotions. 38:03.819 --> 38:04.399 [SPEAKER_00]: Oh, Sally. 38:05.700 --> 38:08.823 [SPEAKER_00]: Okay, well, this is, I wanna go to this, this next part is really practical. 38:08.843 --> 38:09.864 [SPEAKER_00]: Do you have a verse for this one? 38:09.884 --> 38:12.526 [SPEAKER_00]: Do you wanna Elizabeth or do you wanna, share it in the next one? 38:13.407 --> 38:13.767 [SPEAKER_00]: Next point. 38:14.048 --> 38:29.581 [SPEAKER_01]: No, I mean, I feel like it goes with this one, and I'll just say briefly, and when I'm time to fully go into it, but I just encourage anybody who's listening to dive deep into the story of Lazarus because there are so many nuggets for grief and a community grieving. 38:30.141 --> 38:36.925 [SPEAKER_01]: which is two things I want to highlight that obviously we know the story that Lazarus is sick. 38:37.765 --> 38:39.946 [SPEAKER_01]: People go to Jesus and say, he's sick, we need you to come. 38:41.087 --> 38:42.548 [SPEAKER_01]: He's literally two miles away. 38:43.008 --> 38:46.990 [SPEAKER_01]: He could have walked, he delays Lazarus dice. 38:47.050 --> 38:49.331 [SPEAKER_01]: And then he comes to Mary and Martha and Martha, 38:56.036 --> 38:59.781 [SPEAKER_01]: told to handle things differently like we know the story of Mary and Martha. 38:59.801 --> 39:02.084 [SPEAKER_01]: It's easy to read it as like he rebuked Martha. 39:02.104 --> 39:02.986 [SPEAKER_01]: It wasn't a rebuked. 39:03.086 --> 39:04.107 [SPEAKER_01]: It was deep compassion. 39:04.808 --> 39:09.035 [SPEAKER_01]: But he's redirects Martha in that story, but Martha comes to him. 39:10.156 --> 39:15.981 [SPEAKER_01]: and immediately says, if you'd been here, my brother wouldn't have died, and then she starts asking him more like intellectual questions. 39:16.021 --> 39:17.783 [SPEAKER_01]: So she's processing more intellectual. 39:17.823 --> 39:21.466 [SPEAKER_01]: Like I know that that you can give me whatever ask. 39:21.526 --> 39:23.568 [SPEAKER_01]: Like she starts processing even theologically. 39:23.948 --> 39:24.729 [SPEAKER_01]: That's her response. 39:24.789 --> 39:24.949 [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah. 39:24.989 --> 39:26.230 [SPEAKER_01]: He does not correct her. 39:26.410 --> 39:26.570 [SPEAKER_01]: No. 39:26.890 --> 39:28.232 [SPEAKER_01]: He does tell her what he's going to do. 39:29.092 --> 39:30.193 [SPEAKER_01]: But then Mary gets wind. 39:30.253 --> 39:30.854 [SPEAKER_01]: He's

out there. 39:30.914 --> 39:35.658 [SPEAKER_01]: She runs out there and I can just imagine with like even anger and frustration. 39:35.778 --> 39:37.880 [SPEAKER_01]: Lord, if you had been here, my brother wouldn't have died. 39:39.385 --> 39:47.555 [SPEAKER_01]: and it says that Jesus saw her weeping and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping so the community gathered around her weeping. 39:48.095 --> 39:50.758 [SPEAKER_01]: He was deeply moved in his spirit and troubled. 39:51.679 --> 39:57.626 [SPEAKER_01]: And then he says, where have you laid him and they say, come and see Lord, so he's like, let me see, let me see what's happening. 39:58.547 --> 40:01.769 [SPEAKER_01]: and then that easy to memorize scripture as a kid. 40:02.029 --> 40:03.591 [SPEAKER_01]: Jesus wept. 40:04.791 --> 40:08.954 [SPEAKER_01]: And you see like Jesus didn't correct either of their responses. 40:09.054 --> 40:13.237 [SPEAKER_01]: I want to intellectually understand theology of suffering and what your power is and all that. 40:13.377 --> 40:21.683 [SPEAKER_01]: And I'm angry with you and I can't believe this happened and look there's a community grieving and he just weeps with them. 40:21.723 --> 40:22.043 [SPEAKER_01]: Yes. 40:22.223 --> 40:33.536 [SPEAKER_01]: And there's so much more here in this story, but that idea of letting it breathe, of being with our kids, of not fixing that's exactly what Jesus models in all the different ways that it comes out. 40:33.636 --> 40:33.996 [SPEAKER_01]: Yes. 40:34.897 --> 40:35.197 [SPEAKER_00]: Yes. 40:36.419 --> 40:37.200 [SPEAKER_00]: I love that story. 40:37.360 --> 40:38.141 [SPEAKER_00]: That's very helpful. 40:38.381 --> 40:38.861 [SPEAKER_00]: That's a lot. 40:39.022 --> 40:39.422 [SPEAKER_00]: We should do. 40:40.523 --> 40:41.484 [SPEAKER_00]: We should do a lot more on that. 40:41.544 --> 40:42.846 [SPEAKER_00]: I know, I want to do a lot more of this. 40:44.287 --> 40:54.891 [SPEAKER_00]: This won't again, I think, very practical, but so important, and we won't linger here long, but just as a subpoint, well, it's a main point, but just to be really clear, give your kids practical tools. 40:55.671 --> 41:07.515 [SPEAKER_00]: So, it's these moments of the emotional parts of this are super important, but then there's like very real practical tools in real life, in the tangible world that we need to help our kids with. 41:07.555 --> 41:07.835 [SPEAKER_00]: And so, 41:08.816 --> 41:10.578 [SPEAKER_00]: returning to family rhythms is important. 41:10.638 --> 41:14.502 [SPEAKER_00]: That can look like meals, bedtime, things like school and play. 41:14.902 --> 41:17.605 [SPEAKER_00]: We have to have this reminder that life does go on. 41:18.146 --> 41:25.674 [SPEAKER_00]: We don't want to push past in a way that is dishonoring or oppressive to the moment, but we also, you can't live there. 41:25.694 --> 41:26.675 [SPEAKER_00]: Some people get stuck. 41:26.796 --> 41:27.016 [SPEAKER_00]: I mean, 41:28.437 --> 41:29.778 [SPEAKER_02]: We don't want to stay stuck. 41:29.998 --> 41:32.099 [SPEAKER_02]: We don't want to keep repeating it over and over again. 41:32.179 --> 41:34.420 [SPEAKER_02]: We want to empower choice. 41:35.101 --> 41:36.221 [SPEAKER_02]: We can move forward. 41:36.502 --> 41:37.202 [SPEAKER_02]: It's over. 41:37.362 --> 41:38.763 [SPEAKER_02]: We're going to regain our life. 41:38.903 --> 41:40.004 [SPEAKER_02]: We're still grieving. 41:40.544 --> 41:45.827 [SPEAKER_02]: That happens as we move forward, but we have to move forward and not stay stuck in the trauma. 41:45.987 --> 41:51.955 [SPEAKER_00]: Help me understand really briefly, as with this, why is it so important to give our kids practical tools? 41:51.975 --> 42:03.089 [SPEAKER_00]: I know you mentioned it just a little bit there, but you know, for the person there, it's like, but we, but everything's so off, like, what is, what is that doing when we actually go back to some of those rhythms? 42:03.149 --> 42:04.991 [SPEAKER_00]: Like, you kind of mentioned, but just say a little more on that. 42:05.968 --> 42:08.289 [SPEAKER_02]: It helps us move out of it. 42:09.130 --> 42:10.351 [SPEAKER_02]: We don't want to stay in it. 42:10.731 --> 42:12.132 [SPEAKER_02]: It helps us move out of it. 42:12.293 --> 42:22.201 [SPEAKER_02]: And I think the other piece in this is, like when something awful happens, like I think about like 9-11 and some of those awful things, part of terrorism is that we stay stuck in fear. 42:23.582 --> 42:24.322 [SPEAKER_00]: Hmm, yeah. 42:24.943 --> 42:29.787 [SPEAKER_02]: Playing it over and over and over again, and we can't live our lives because they've done this and it's like, hmm, hmm. 42:30.342 --> 42:31.162 [SPEAKER_00]: You can live your life. 42:31.182 --> 42:31.523 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah. 42:31.563 --> 42:32.823 [SPEAKER_02]: We can live our lives. 42:32.863 --> 42:37.486 [SPEAKER_02]: And so part of it is giving our kids choice and choice like, what do you need? 42:37.986 --> 42:39.787 [SPEAKER_02]: I mean, some kids might need to walk by it. 42:40.427 --> 42:40.888 [SPEAKER_02]: Mm-hmm. 42:40.988 --> 42:46.371 [SPEAKER_02]: And I'm referring to civil rails to the outpouring of love. 42:47.291 --> 42:57.697 [SPEAKER_02]: their stuffed animals and flowers and notes and things on the sidewalk just as outpouring of love that helps them see that people care about what happened. 42:58.477 --> 43:03.700 [SPEAKER_02]: It may be that going for a hike, it may be that going fishing. 43:04.640 --> 43:06.301 [SPEAKER_02]: I think they'll be a little busy. 43:06.341 --> 43:07.101 [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah, I'm ready. 43:07.581 --> 43:08.961 [SPEAKER_02]: And maybe going fishing. 43:09.121 --> 43:09.401 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah. 43:09.661 --> 43:11.122 [SPEAKER_02]: Kids process through play. 43:11.322 --> 43:15.963 [SPEAKER_02]: You may see like super heroes, rescuing kids at school. 43:16.043 --> 43:18.923 [SPEAKER_02]: And I mean, that's kids working it out. 43:19.023 -->

43:20.524 [SPEAKER_02]: And maybe through drawing. 43:20.924 --> 43:32.127 [SPEAKER_02]: And it may be through, and I mean, if kids are kind of stuck in fear, giving them a scripture that really gives them that's like, and praying that's the power 43:34.467 --> 43:51.803 [SPEAKER_02]: Make a collage, make an art project, you know, something that can help them recalibrate as they, I mean, getting it out is a piece that then they're more regulated and then recalibrating as far as things that we can do to help our bodies move on. 43:52.043 --> 43:52.923 [SPEAKER_00]: I'm so good. 43:52.943 --> 44:03.869 [SPEAKER_01]: I remember right now years ago you telling me that kids process drama and fear through play and through drawing and art. 44:04.829 --> 44:08.591 [SPEAKER_01]: And I am like making this connection right now that my girls woke up this morning. 44:09.391 --> 44:10.392 [SPEAKER_00]: Printing pictures. 44:10.692 --> 44:11.972 [SPEAKER_00]: It started last night. 44:12.032 --> 44:12.653 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, pretty really well. 44:12.693 --> 44:13.693 [SPEAKER_01]: Coloring all morning. 44:13.873 --> 44:15.114 [SPEAKER_01]: They are at my parents house right now. 44:15.134 --> 44:16.715 [SPEAKER_01]: They want to bring all their coloring stuff. 44:16.735 --> 44:17.535 [SPEAKER_01]: They don't normally do. 44:17.735 --> 44:18.496 [SPEAKER_00]: That's really interesting. 44:18.556 --> 44:20.237 [SPEAKER_01]: I'm just like making that connection right now. 44:20.277 --> 44:21.698 [SPEAKER_02]: It's totally different side of our brain. 44:21.718 --> 44:21.998 [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah. 44:22.359 --> 44:23.860 [SPEAKER_02]: That's doing that piece. 44:23.920 --> 44:25.161 [SPEAKER_02]: And it's fascinating. 44:26.122 --> 44:34.208 [SPEAKER_02]: The EMDR practice that we do as a group with kids, and even with adults is drawing. 44:34.228 --> 44:35.649 [SPEAKER_02]: Draw a picture that represents this. 44:35.689 --> 44:37.030 [SPEAKER_02]: Draw a picture that represents that. 44:37.130 --> 44:38.552 [SPEAKER_02]: Draw a picture that represents this. 44:39.773 --> 44:44.419 [SPEAKER_02]: a resource picture, and then something scary, and we're doing the bilateral tapping on the pictures. 44:45.140 --> 44:46.241 [SPEAKER_02]: Absolutely. 44:46.421 --> 44:47.062 [SPEAKER_02]: Absolutely. 44:47.102 --> 44:47.303 [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah. 44:47.523 --> 44:51.288 [SPEAKER_00]: So just as a reminder, give practical tools, it is helping them process through. 44:51.308 --> 44:55.894 [SPEAKER_00]: And I think, again, just apply that where it is in your family specifically. 44:57.254 --> 45:13.621 [SPEAKER_00]: two more and we're going to close but help them hold grief and hope together and this is just so important on Thursday night when we were starting the mother herbert treat obviously it didn't feel right our team had decided like obviously we need to say something because 45:15.081 --> 45:22.466 [SPEAKER_00]: It's interesting how we either go to, um, we can part, mentalize and say nothing like this isn't a big deal. 45:22.786 --> 45:23.727 [SPEAKER_00]: We kind of push it away. 45:24.608 --> 45:28.370 [SPEAKER_00]: Or, or there's a hyper-emotionalism and grief that people get stuck in. 45:28.590 --> 45:30.372 [SPEAKER_00]: What I'm saying is like, it's usually one or the other. 45:30.412 --> 45:33.794 [SPEAKER_00]: Like, as not a big deal, or I can't even move to the world right now. 45:34.354 --> 45:38.956 [SPEAKER_00]: And so we addressed it and just basically highlighted that grief and trust are not opposite. 45:39.096 --> 45:47.078 [SPEAKER_00]: That essentially, these are, we have to grief, but we also have to trust hope that there's a God who is in charge in all of that. 45:47.098 --> 46:01.343 [SPEAKER_00]: And so let's just talk briefly on that concept, like, how do we help those that we love, especially our kids, hold grief and hope together, especially when maybe their own little brains and bodies, even as they get older, might not even know how to do that. 46:01.363 --> 46:02.523 [SPEAKER_00]: What does that look like, Sally? 46:03.147 --> 46:03.787 [SPEAKER_02]: can I back up? 46:03.968 --> 46:05.268 [SPEAKER_02]: Please. 46:05.889 --> 46:11.452 [SPEAKER_02]: I feel like we also want to make sure that parents are watching for warning signs that they need outside resources. 46:11.472 --> 46:13.193 [SPEAKER_02]: Okay. 46:13.613 --> 46:22.759 [SPEAKER_02]: So, I mean, we're giving practical tools that keep them moving in the right direction, but there are going to be some situations where they're going to need more support. 46:22.859 --> 46:26.641 [SPEAKER_02]: So, I just feel like there's a few things on what we're going to provide that I want to 46:29.782 --> 46:43.370 [SPEAKER_02]: common short-term reactions, you may notice our sleep changes, stomach aches, headaches, irritability, cleaniness, turboconcentrating, withdrawal, repeated questions over and over again. 46:43.410 --> 46:46.351 [SPEAKER_02]: And that's part of just be prepared that this is going to happen. 46:46.511 --> 46:50.414 [SPEAKER_02]: We want to see that in moving and shifting and not lasting for more than a couple of weeks. 46:51.154 --> 46:54.956 [SPEAKER_02]: If it starts to really like Earth, because there are heavy nightmares, we're occurring over and over again. 46:57.480 --> 47:17.388 [SPEAKER_02]: seek extra support if these intensify, lasting more than a few weeks, checking with pediatrician, school counselors, mental health professionals, and we've listed for our area who those are, and those will be provided, but just know what those are for your area like. 47:17.948 --> 47:29.238 [SPEAKER_02]: who's the emergency response team, who do you call what's the hotline, the emergency department, those things, because we want to make sure if we have a kid or that really is in distress. 47:29.659 --> 47:38.927 [SPEAKER_02]: And when I say in distress, concerns that they're going to hurt themselves or hurt someone else,

we want to make sure that parents know what to do in that situation. 47:38.947 --> 47:39.968 [SPEAKER_00]: That's what we want to do. 47:40.128 --> 47:42.470 [SPEAKER_00]: So that, thank you, thank you, thank you for catching that. 47:43.310 --> 47:45.992 [SPEAKER_00]: Um, so yeah, let's talk about this briefly as well. 47:46.012 --> 47:59.202 [SPEAKER_00]: How do we hold hope and grief together, and how do we actually step into this because, I mean, in our situation Elizabeth and I know like suffering for us in a very cute way and in our family, like, 48:00.703 --> 48:07.210 [SPEAKER_00]: we are very accustomed to it, which, that's not me bragging, I'm not ready. 48:07.410 --> 48:08.211 [SPEAKER_00]: It's real. 48:08.531 --> 48:12.876 [SPEAKER_00]: And I think, you know, I have to remember that not everybody is. 48:13.356 --> 48:17.020 [SPEAKER_00]: And there's some that, like, honestly, have had pretty good lives and you go, 48:17.540 --> 48:18.301 [SPEAKER_00]: That's incredible. 48:18.422 --> 48:21.125 [SPEAKER_00]: And there's no shame or negative. 48:21.165 --> 48:23.248 [SPEAKER_00]: Like that's the gift we all want to give. 48:23.709 --> 48:25.111 [SPEAKER_00]: It just doesn't always happen that way. 48:25.531 --> 48:29.617 [SPEAKER_00]: So for some that might not be as in touch with the pain of life and suffering. 48:30.418 --> 48:32.481 [SPEAKER_00]: How do we help people hold grief and hope together? 48:34.221 --> 48:42.123 [SPEAKER_01]: Yeah, I mean, I think it's that first reality that they are not opposed to each other, and they don't happen one at a time. 48:42.883 --> 48:44.223 [SPEAKER_01]: They happen simultaneously. 48:45.244 --> 48:55.046 [SPEAKER_01]: And I think that was a learning curve for me that I didn't understand, is that I wanted to compartmentalize like you are either really sad or you're really hopeful and happy. 48:55.066 --> 48:58.007 [SPEAKER_01]: And there's nothing in between. 48:58.567 --> 49:02.468 [SPEAKER_01]: But the reality is this side of heaven, we hold the two intention. 49:03.108 --> 49:06.950 [SPEAKER_01]: and there are times where hope feels very diminished. 49:07.230 --> 49:13.474 [SPEAKER_01]: Joy feels very diminished and pain and sorrow is heightened, that's normal, that's human. 49:14.394 --> 49:19.497 [SPEAKER_01]: And I love that the second most repeated commanded scripture is remember. 49:21.138 --> 49:24.020 [SPEAKER_01]: And I think how we sometimes get back into equal over him, 49:24.680 --> 49:34.365 [SPEAKER_01]: When sorrow feels like it's taking over is we remember and usually we're remembering The crazy miraculous good that God can do with horrible. 49:34.405 --> 49:42.870 [SPEAKER_01]: Yes, that is the story of the Bible Yes, God doing good with horrible things God doing good with tragedy God doing good with our own human 49:44.151 --> 49:46.393 [SPEAKER_01]: sinfulness and mistakes and failure. 49:47.394 --> 49:49.996 [SPEAKER_01]: God doing good when the enemy does harm. 49:50.356

--> 49:53.159 [SPEAKER_01]: Like we have to learn to remember. 49:53.479 --> 49:57.363 [SPEAKER_01]: And we can go to the scriptures to remember, we can go to stories in our own life to remember. 49:59.605 --> 50:07.652 [SPEAKER_01]: That's how we see that tension and a scripture that I think is just so important to be reading over your family right now. 50:08.672 --> 50:19.574 [SPEAKER_01]: John 1633, and this is Jesus, right before he's going to the cross, and he's like telling his disciples, he's leaving, telling his disciples, he's giving them the Holy Spirit. 50:19.955 --> 50:22.075 [SPEAKER_01]: They don't even understand what he's telling them. 50:22.135 --> 50:29.757 [SPEAKER_01]: They're like, wait, you're leaving us, you're going to die, but he says, I've told you these things so that in me, you may have peace. 50:30.697 --> 50:35.278 [SPEAKER_01]: In this world, you will have trouble, but take heart, I have overcome the world. 50:36.718 --> 50:38.239 [SPEAKER_01]: And I think that's it right there. 50:38.359 --> 50:41.101 [SPEAKER_01]: It's like recognizing he's giving us his peace. 50:41.342 --> 50:48.367 [SPEAKER_01]: And we are responsible for taking heart for like remembering, for receiving his peace. 50:48.507 --> 50:51.029 [SPEAKER_01]: But peace is not the absence of trouble. 50:51.229 --> 50:51.509 [SPEAKER_02]: Right. 50:51.589 --> 50:51.789 [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah. 50:52.390 --> 50:54.912 [SPEAKER_02]: And I think part of what you're saying is it's both. 50:55.552 --> 50:55.772 [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah. 50:56.293 --> 50:57.634 [SPEAKER_02]: It's and both and. 50:58.194 --> 51:00.556 [SPEAKER_02]: You know, we can be sitting in this place of 51:01.868 --> 51:07.430 [SPEAKER_02]: horrible tragedy in our neighborhood and we're going to be in it for a minute and then we're going to go have a froio. 51:09.571 --> 51:10.311 [SPEAKER_01]: And that's okay. 51:10.511 --> 51:11.051 [SPEAKER_01]: It's okay. 51:11.231 --> 51:12.231 [SPEAKER_00]: It's actually life. 51:12.311 --> 51:12.672 [SPEAKER_00]: Like that. 51:12.692 --> 51:17.433 [SPEAKER_02]: We're going to hold hands and there's a party view that that's what's going to help us feel better. 51:17.473 --> 51:19.194 [SPEAKER_02]: We're going to go to froio and have a froio. 51:19.354 --> 51:25.256 [SPEAKER_00]: Are you not dishonoring this situation by doing that many ways you're actually handling it in a way that is true. 51:25.336 --> 51:25.936 [SPEAKER_02]: It's a super 51:32.614 --> 51:35.415 [SPEAKER_02]: go back and forth and yeah and and titrate. 51:35.795 --> 51:38.617 [SPEAKER_02]: We can't they can't we can't stay in it forever. 51:38.897 --> 51:41.418 [SPEAKER_02]: So but we do want to be in it a little bit. 51:41.898 --> 51:49.842 [SPEAKER_02]: So we put a toe in and we feel the feelings and it hurts and we're there and then it's like okay we're gonna go over here now. 51:50.982 --> 51:57.786 [SPEAKER_02]: So it's like I'm going to be in the deep end for a little bit and then I'm

going to swim over side and get it climb out the ladder and I'm going to go hang my feet in the shallow end. 51:59.353 --> 52:02.234 [SPEAKER_00]: So it's an angelic and titrate. 52:02.534 --> 52:09.716 [SPEAKER_02]: So being kind of intentional in how just noticing, because we don't want, and that's where we end up with, like, we're in it. 52:10.636 --> 52:22.339 [SPEAKER_02]: We don't get out of the deep end, or we avoid it all together, and we don't process, and then something else happens, and all the things that we've not given voice or been able to process. 52:23.039 --> 52:25.459 [SPEAKER_02]: It's like, you know, it's all right here, 52:28.938 --> 52:38.505 [SPEAKER_02]: very minor happens, and I don't know why this comes up, but the toothpaste tube is with, you know, some of you screeches at the wrong way, and then all of a sudden it's just like, I've lost my mind. 52:38.565 --> 52:42.387 [SPEAKER_02]: I don't know what just happened, but the wheels just fell off my bus, and that does not match. 52:42.868 --> 52:45.890 [SPEAKER_02]: That's how we know that there hasn't been enough of the other in between. 52:45.990 --> 52:46.250 [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah. 52:47.554 --> 52:51.337 [SPEAKER_00]: It is always, those are always the dead giveaways, the tiny things that just draw. 52:51.357 --> 52:54.899 [SPEAKER_02]: It's like, I don't know what just happened to Georgia, but she just lost her mind somewhere. 52:54.959 --> 52:55.279 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah. 52:55.339 --> 52:58.021 [SPEAKER_00]: But before the last one, it was really fun. 52:58.261 --> 53:00.302 [SPEAKER_01]: Lastly, before we end, I just want to say too. 53:02.924 --> 53:05.705 [SPEAKER_01]: If something like this happened, in our case, it's overrails. 53:06.206 --> 53:14.591 [SPEAKER_01]: But if something like this happens in your community or something just really hard in the life of somebody you know, don't avoid it. 53:15.491 --> 53:17.272 [SPEAKER_00]: Please don't ever go straight into it. 53:17.472 --> 53:36.245 [SPEAKER_01]: Oh say you can say I don't know what to say But I want you to know that I'm here and I see you and I'm grieving with you and here's the other thing I'll say don't stop doing that We are conditioned via our culture to show up great in the beginning to sign up for the meal train to give to the go-fun me 53:36.905 --> 54:02.412 [SPEAKER_01]: to jump right in and we are ill-equipped as a culture to know what to do in a month, in a year, in five years, if there's a tragedy in somebody's life that you know, put it in your calendar, remember to text them or call them on the anniversary date, be somebody who sticks in it in the long haul and that doesn't mean you have to exhaust yourself, give what you don't have, but 54:03.172 --> 54:11.256 [SPEAKER_01]: the simple act of like continuing to remember with them is more powerful than anybody has any idea. 54:12.256 --> 54:15.397 [SPEAKER_01]: And yeah, I just feel like that's really important. 54:15.437 --> 54:17.758 [SPEAKER_02]: You're creating space for them to remember. 54:18.038 --> 54:18.479 [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah. 54:18.539 --> 54:21.500 [SPEAKER_02]: By saying I'm here with you and I can remember with you. 54:21.760 --> 54:21.940 [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah. 54:22.060 --> 54:24.721 [SPEAKER_02]: And for me it's a picture of Jesus in the garden. 54:25.322 --> 54:27.282 [SPEAKER_02]: He had to go to the garden along. 54:27.683 --> 54:27.923 [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah. 54:27.963 --> 54:30.904 [SPEAKER_02]: But he had people that did their best to watch and pray. 54:31.525 --> 54:40.245 [SPEAKER_02]: We can be the people that watch and pray, you know, we can be the people when somebody's in their place of further still, Jesus. 54:40.895 --> 54:44.997 [SPEAKER_00]: Yeah, we don't want to pretend the world isn't as hard as it is. 54:45.538 --> 54:52.762 [SPEAKER_00]: And as we go to the last thing, there are people that are going to, some people can't handle pain and they don't even know it. 54:52.802 --> 54:57.125 [SPEAKER_00]: So they put a positive spin to an obnoxious level on everything. 54:57.385 --> 55:02.148 [SPEAKER_00]: And I'm saying obnoxious because before, even doing a lot of work for me, that was my disposition. 55:02.808 --> 55:16.340 [SPEAKER_00]: But, being down in the dumps entirely and overly hyperactive and ignoring, and that's not like, like, those extremes, like you said, they're not helpful, both are not helpful, state, staying in the middle is an important piece. 55:16.360 --> 55:20.363 [SPEAKER_00]: And so, Sally, you're going to read a poem for us as we close. 55:20.883 --> 55:26.048 [SPEAKER_00]: The last thing we just want to say is become a safe place, as a parent you hopefully are. 55:26.368 --> 55:28.469 [SPEAKER_00]: And if you're not, this is an invitation to become that. 55:29.449 --> 55:33.310 [SPEAKER_00]: A lot of the times it's hard to give that, like we talked about at the beginning, if you haven't been given it. 55:33.550 --> 55:43.172 [SPEAKER_00]: So, that is a bigger conversation, but work as much as you can to become a safe place for your family, and to help your kids know that you are safe. 55:43.672 --> 55:50.894 [SPEAKER_00]: You don't have to get this perfect, you don't have to have respond to them or, you know, the perfect way you don't have to get them a whole new arts and crafts situation. 55:51.334 --> 55:52.454 [SPEAKER_00]: You don't have to be a person that's like, 55:56.595 --> 56:13.698 [SPEAKER_00]: This is going to be kind of messy, so maybe just to give some really practical perspective is like this is going to happen when you're at dinner and then in an inconvenient time in the car and it's going to come up and so what we're hoping to do is just give some structure hit these. 56:13.898 --> 56:15.019 [SPEAKER_00]: They don't have to be in order. 56:15.119 --> 56:16.119 [SPEAKER_00]: They can be out of order. 56:16.599 --> 56:22.180 [SPEAKER_00]: But these are just some things for you to hold on to and know like okay

this is what I'm trying to accomplish here. 56:22.961 --> 56:30.431 [SPEAKER_00]: And again, the resource is going to be in these show notes, please get it shared if it's helpful because our hope is just to get this to people to be helpful to all. 56:30.971 --> 56:37.280 [SPEAKER_00]: But as I say all that, I'm going to have you close in a second, just brief final thoughts on on this today. 56:38.423 --> 56:40.964 [SPEAKER_02]: you're gonna mess it up, we're gonna blow it. 56:41.605 --> 56:46.847 [SPEAKER_02]: We're gonna buy past when we don't wanna buy past, we're gonna linger too long, we're gonna say too much, it'll happen. 56:47.887 --> 56:51.329 [SPEAKER_02]: And when we do, we spend, I mean, it comes up. 56:51.889 --> 56:53.950 [SPEAKER_02]: You know, it's like, ooh, I don't like how that just went. 56:54.491 --> 56:57.172 [SPEAKER_02]: We go back and say, you know what I've been thinking about that? 56:58.158 --> 56:58.999 [SPEAKER_02]: like how I did that. 56:59.599 --> 57:00.399 [SPEAKER_02]: What was up for you? 57:00.980 --> 57:02.040 [SPEAKER_02]: What do we need to revisit? 57:02.440 --> 57:03.741 [SPEAKER_02]: Because we're not going to get it right. 57:03.941 --> 57:04.161 [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah. 57:04.321 --> 57:08.704 [SPEAKER_02]: So helping with all these things, it gives you all these things in your pocket. 57:08.824 --> 57:13.026 [SPEAKER_02]: If you can't find it in your pocket and you mess it up, do the repair. 57:13.206 --> 57:13.426 [SPEAKER_02]: Yeah. 57:14.967 --> 57:19.670 [SPEAKER_01]: I just want to say there is hope even in the midst of senseless tragedy. 57:21.391 --> 57:21.751 [SPEAKER_01]: Because 57:23.208 --> 57:27.389 [SPEAKER_01]: it is still wild to me what God does with pain. 57:28.089 --> 57:28.749 [SPEAKER_01]: This side of heaven. 57:29.190 --> 57:31.810 [SPEAKER_01]: I mean, we all know we have a future hope in that. 57:31.870 --> 57:35.931 [SPEAKER_01]: It's like what our community, those of us who know Jesus are clinging to right now. 57:36.811 --> 57:42.133 [SPEAKER_01]: But God does wild things with our current pain if we let him. 57:43.513 --> 57:58.706 [SPEAKER_01]: And that gives me so much hope every time some new painful thing happens or my kids are in pain or I know I'm missing something as a parent to recognize that could be the very thing that God uses hugely in their story. 57:59.447 --> 58:07.574 [SPEAKER_01]: And even right now in our community, this could be the thing that does so many miraculous things and God can do that. 58:07.654 --> 58:09.355 [SPEAKER_01]: And we have to cling to that. 58:09.495 --> 58:10.116 [SPEAKER_01]: It doesn't make 58:10.896 --> 58:13.238 [SPEAKER_01]: It makes sense, it doesn't make it okay. 58:13.798 --> 58:19.082 [SPEAKER_01]: It doesn't mean that we understand a perfect theology of pain and suffering. 58:19.942 --> 58:23.364 [SPEAKER_01]: That's really difficult to wrap our minds around theologians are still trying to do it. 58:24.845 --> 58:30.489 [SPEAKER_01]: But it is true that God can bring miraculous things out of horrible pain. 58:30.849 --> 58:32.631 [SPEAKER_01]: I will not waste our pain. 58:33.111 --> 58:34.051 [SPEAKER_01]: You will not waste it. 58:34.632 --> 58:36.373 [SPEAKER_02]: He will use it for good. 58:36.553 --> 58:51.314 [SPEAKER_00]: especially if we choose you know I think because there's there's some it's not like an automatic that pain will immediately become good it's that imitation that what being is the imitation though because there's a lot of times that pain can be better and pain can be going this place and so it's just to say like 58:52.395 --> 58:58.723 [SPEAKER_00]: the not wasting comes in surrendering it to God and saying, this pain that I can't figure out, I need you to meet me in. 58:59.464 --> 59:03.990 [SPEAKER_00]: And that process beyond anything we can ever track in, I think, conscious states at times. 59:04.170 --> 59:07.074 [SPEAKER_00]: There's things in the heaven, these that are changing in our lives and deep ways. 59:07.114 --> 59:07.394 [SPEAKER_00]: And so, 59:08.135 --> 59:17.523 [SPEAKER_00]: Um, you, you had this idea or you brought up this idea of a poem and you read it and we're like, oh my goodness, this is the most perfect way in our opinion, to end this episode. 59:17.543 --> 59:25.149 [SPEAKER_00]: So we just close out our episode by reading this over people and maybe if you want to give any context feel free, but just please, then be so great to read it. 59:25.373 --> 59:34.937 [SPEAKER_02]: So this is a poem that was hanging on a wall when I was going through the process of inpatient treatment for my eating disorder. 59:35.437 --> 59:43.000 [SPEAKER_02]: And it was so profound and kind of being a plum line to living in the moment. 59:43.400 --> 59:48.802 [SPEAKER_02]: And that was like 30, but I don't know, 30, seven years ago, long time. 59:51.223 --> 59:53.786 [SPEAKER_02]: It's a poem by Helen Malakot. 59:53.886 --> 59:55.989 [SPEAKER_02]: I think if I say it's easy to find. 59:56.349 --> 59:58.652 [SPEAKER_02]: The name of the poem is my name as I am. 01:00:00.094 --> 01:00:03.397 [SPEAKER_02]: I was regretting the past and fearing the future. 01:00:04.258 --> 01:00:08.103 [SPEAKER_02]: Suddenly, God was speaking my name as I am. 01:00:09.502 --> 01:00:12.023 [SPEAKER_02]: I waited, God continued. 01:00:13.123 --> 01:00:19.685 [SPEAKER_02]: When you live in the past with its mistakes and regrets, it is hard, I am not there. 01:00:20.886 --> 01:00:22.066 [SPEAKER_02]: My name is not I was. 01:00:23.286 --> 01:00:28.888 [SPEAKER_02]: When you live in the future with its problems and fears, it is hard, I am not there. 01:00:29.728 --> 01:00:31.209 [SPEAKER_02]: My name is not I will be. 01:00:32.369 --> 01:00:34.930 [SPEAKER_02]: When you live in this very moment, 01:00:35.971 --> 01:00:37.074 [SPEAKER_02]: It is not hard. 01:00:37.956 --> 01:00:38.718 [SPEAKER_02]: I am here. 01:00:39.661 --> 01:00:42.107 [SPEAKER_02]: My name is I am. 01:00:44.250 --> 01:00:45.991 [SPEAKER_00]: Sally, thank you for joining us today. 01:00:46.812 --> 01:00:52.756 [SPEAKER_00]: And please reach out, hello, at intentionalparents.org, if we can be of help in this particular situation. 01:00:53.397 --> 01:01:04.965 [SPEAKER_00]: And also, please note that this resource in an extended version, the PDF will be in the show notes or on our website, and intentionalparents.org, but blessings to all the families that are suffering. 01:01:05.886 --> 01:01:12.310 [SPEAKER_00]: Both now in Bend, but also at large and even those in the future, may God be with you and have mercy on you.