Fuld transskription af Why You Keep Choosing Narcissistic Men

allows him to control the relationship. 00:04:36.879 --> 00:04:37.600 You're stuck. 00:04:37.759 --> 00:04:40.000 Basically, you're trapped, and there's no way that you can go. 00:04:40.079 --> 00:04:41.519 There's a lot of men who do that. 00:04:41.680 --> 00:04:49.040 And unfortunately, I've spoken to a lot of women over the last year who are in this position where they can't walk away, or they believe they can't walk away. 00:04:49.120 --> 00:04:53.920 But it's usually due to the fact that they don't have income to walk away and to build their lives. 00:04:54.160 --> 00:04:57.920 So you want to pace the relationship. 00:04:58.240 --> 00:05:01.120 Only speak to this person when setting dates. 00:05:01.279 --> 00:05:05.920 There's no reason for you guys to be, when you first meet somebody, to be chatting every single day. 00:05:06.079 --> 00:05:12.240 I've spoken to women who were in these long-distance fantasy relationships for months with guys. 00:05:12.399 --> 00:05:14.000 And then she's like, oh, he's really nice. 00:05:14.079 --> 00:05:16.160 You know, he lives in this different state. 00:05:16.399 --> 00:05:22.879 And after months of talking every day, they'll move in with this guy, move to a different state for this guy. 00:05:23.040 --> 00:05:25.120 And then the thing, the problems start happening. 00:05:25.279 --> 00:05:37.279 My point is that a woman who has her life together, who's happy with her schedule, she doesn't need, she doesn't want to give all of her attention to a stranger. 00:05:38.480 --> 00:05:53.519 If a man is high value and he has a lot of things going on, why would a high value man, a man that's responsible, and man that has hobbies, and man that's taking care of business, why would he be texting you every single day? 00:05:54.240 --> 00:05:57.920 Why would he be spending time with you every single week? 00:05:58.399 --> 00:06:09.759 You you want to watch out for these types of controlling behaviors because men who are trying to control you, when they get you, they're gonna emotionally abuse you, mentally emotionally abuse you. 00:06:09.920 --> 00:06:15.920 They'll come off like they're very well put together, articulate, educated. 00:06:16.240 --> 00:06:21.600 And then over time, as they get more comfortable and the attachment starts to form. 00:06:21.839 --> 00:06:28.720 They do this with friends and romantic partners, then the mask comes down and you can see the instability within them. 00:06:28.879 --> 00:06:34.480 But it's gonna be very difficult for you to see that instability if you're not stable yourself. 00:06:34.639 --> 00:06:42.000 Believe it or not, there are men out there that are constantly sizing themselves up against other men. 00:06:42.160 --> 00:06:45.839 They're always asking themselves, can I take this guy? 00:06:46.399 --> 00:06:50.959 What I most commonly see is that these guys will look at men who are successful. 00:06:51.199 --> 00:06:59.839 Maybe the guy has he's in shape, maybe they believe the guy has a great life, etc., and it triggers some kind of insecurity within them. 00:07:00.000 --> 00:07:05.920 And this man will start to size up people and just think, like, oh, maybe I can fight, I can beat him in a fight, though. 00:07:06.079 --> 00:07:25.360 You know, it might seem funny at the beginning and cute because he's trying to be tough, but I promise you, men like this, from my personal experience, these men tend to have anger issues, anger emotional issues, and they're they feel inadequate towards other men. 00:07:25.600 --> 00:07:31.360 So, because of that, they need to let you know that they're strong and that they're tough. 00:07:31.519 --> 00:07:37.279 So, what they'll do is those those emotional anger issues will show up in your relationship. 00:07:37.519 --> 00:07:44.800 The guy will be yelling at you, he'll be slamming cabinets, he may raise his voice and try to put you down, he may get in your face. 00:07:45.040 --> 00:07:49.680 He's doing these things because he has a fear of defending himself. 00:07:49.920 --> 00:07:58.000 So he wants to make sure that he makes it clear to you that if things need to become physical, he can become physical. 00:07:58.560 --> 00:08:03.279 Macho guys may look masculine at the beginning, but really it's a weakness. 00:08:03.439 --> 00:08:11.600 It's a weakness if a man has to put his woman down, if he has to make you feel small, if he has to scare you in order to feel strong. 00:08:11.759 --> 00:08:14.399 Most women I speak to, they want a masculine man. 00:08:14.560 --> 00:08:16.160 They want a dominant man. 00:08:16.879 --> 00:08:22.879 But that man shouldn't feel like he has to dominate you in order to feel safe within the relationship. 00:08:23.120 --> 00:08:26.560 On the internet, there's a lot of men who are calling women narcissists. 00:08:26.720 --> 00:08:31.040 They're calling women narcissists because they're getting a lot of male attention, right? 00:08:31.279 --> 00:08:39.039 If a woman is getting attention from guys and she's telling you she's getting attention from guys, then she's not lying. 00:08:39.279 --> 00:08:43.600 But what you'll see is narcissists tend to be grandiose. 00:08:44.159 --> 00:08:48.399 They tend to over exaggerate who they are and what they do. 00:08:48.720 --> 00:08:59.840 My point is the things that men complain about with women, I'm learning from speaking with women that there's a lot of guys out there that are also, they use women for validation. 00:09:00.000 --> 00:09:09.200 There's men who have a lot of female friends, female friends that want to hook up with them, but they'll tell their girlfriend, like, hey, you know, no, don't worry about that. 00:09:09.440 --> 00:09:14.639 And they do these things knowing that the woman, knowing that these women actually are attracted to them. 00:09:15.039 --> 00:09:19.519 They use these women against their girlfriend to make her girlfriend feel insecure. 00:09:19.840 --> 00:09:23.519 And it's a way of letting a

girlfriend know, like, hey, I can I can get other women. 00:09:23.679 --> 00:09:24.879 That's a weakness. 00:09:25.200 --> 00:09:33.360 Because a man that's strong and that's confident, he shouldn't make his girl fear losing him in the relationship. 00:09:33.600 --> 00:09:40.960 You, your girlfriend, in my opinion, you're the person you're with, they should know that if they push your boundaries too far, yes, you can walk away. 00:09:41.120 --> 00:09:45.360 A person shouldn't deliberately try to make you feel insecure within that relationship. 00:09:45.519 --> 00:09:51.200 If a man is ever with you and he's looking at other women, he's talking about other women. 00:09:51.360 --> 00:09:57.440 This is his way of probing to see what he can get away with, what you will tolerate. 00:09:57.600 --> 00:10:03.360 If you see this one to two times, cut your losses. 00:10:03.759 --> 00:10:09.840 I know that you may like this guy, you may have this idea of what a future with this guy will look like. 00:10:10.159 --> 00:10:20.080 When people show you these subtle disrespectful signs in the relationship, save yourself the mental health and get out of there. 00:10:20.320 --> 00:10:23.600 Lastly, this is the dumbest thing that a man can lie about. 00:10:23.840 --> 00:10:30.960 But there's men out there that are not most men are not six feet, but there's a lot of guys that lie about their height. 00:10:31.039 --> 00:10:33.039 Now, the way I discovered this was in college. 00:10:33.200 --> 00:10:39.360 I'm 6'1, but I met men who were 5'10 and will say that they were 6'2. 00:10:39.759 --> 00:10:43.840 Me and a good friend of mine, actually in college, that were both around the same height, had this experience. 00:10:44.000 --> 00:10:45.919 But these men will say that they're 6'2. 00:10:46.159 --> 00:10:47.759 And I would say, hey man, no, I'm 6'1. 00:10:47.919 --> 00:10:49.120 There's no way that you're 6'2. 00:10:49.440 --> 00:10:50.960 And they will say, Oh no, I'm 6'5. 00:10:51.200 --> 00:10:53.120 You got to be like 6'5 because I'm 6'2. 00:10:53.679 --> 00:11:00.960 I don't know where men came up with this crap, but this men, they believe that if they are not six feet, that they are not valuable. 00:11:01.200 --> 00:11:09.600 Common sense would tell you that if most people are under six feet, that means most men that are having babies are under six feet. 00:11:09.919 --> 00:11:18.960 Now, if a man is lying to you about something this small, there's a very strong chance that he's going to lie to you about much bigger things. 00:11:19.600 --> 00:11:22.720 I'm not telling you that you need to find a guy that's perfect. 00:11:22.960 --> 00:11:25.840 What I'm telling you is you need to find a guy that loves himself. 00:11:26.000 --> 00:11:28.480 A man that loves himself, he doesn't lie about his income. 00:11:28.559 --> 00:11:31.279 He doesn't lie about his credit score, he doesn't lie about his height. 00:11:31.360 --> 00:11:34.639 He's not sizing himself up against

guys all the time. 00:11:34.720 --> 00:11:37.120 And he doesn't need a lot of women for validation. 00:11:37.279 --> 00:11:40.399 If somebody's honest with you, you can always build with them. 00:11:40.559 --> 00:11:50.720 But if they're lying about little tiny things like this, and you see these consistent little lies, there is no relationship because you're falling in love with somebody who doesn't exist. 00:11:50.960 --> 00:11:54.480 Now we're going to talk about the role that anxiety plays in relationship. 00:11:54.720 --> 00:12:00.320 Now, a lot of us are not aware of this, but anxiety plays a major role in who we choose as a partner. 00:12:00.720 --> 00:12:13.519 I remember in my early, my early 20s, late teens, if there was a woman that I was really attracted to, and this woman was attracted to me, I wouldn't date her at all. 00:12:13.759 --> 00:12:15.759 I would actually hook her up with one of my friends. 00:12:15.919 --> 00:12:17.919 I would introduce her to one of my guy friends. 00:12:18.159 --> 00:12:22.879 It made me feel so uncomfortable on a very deep level. 00:12:23.039 --> 00:12:27.840 I just then believed that I deserved love in that kind of way. 00:12:28.399 --> 00:12:30.399 It triggered my anxiety. 00:12:30.480 --> 00:12:32.080 It made me very uncomfortable. 00:12:32.240 --> 00:12:34.480 And I wasn't aware that that was happening. 00:12:34.639 --> 00:12:36.720 And I promise you, you're doing something similar. 00:12:36.799 --> 00:12:41.600 So what I would do was I would get with women that I knew the relationship would be short term. 00:12:41.919 --> 00:12:47.440 Women who I would get into like this player type of character, and then they would play a type of character. 00:12:47.519 --> 00:12:54.639 And it was both of us knew that we were playing this game and wearing this mask, and things would be more short term. 00:12:54.960 --> 00:13:00.799 I had no idea that my anxiety was governing me early on in my relationships. 00:13:01.279 --> 00:13:16.720 My point is the way that we saw love modeled from our parents, and the way that we got affection from our parents, inconsistent affection from our parents, that was passed on to us. 00:13:17.200 --> 00:13:22.799 Sometimes our parents were, and like in my case, I had a great relationship with my mother, my grandmother. 00:13:22.879 --> 00:13:24.480 I grew up in a very loving household. 00:13:24.639 --> 00:13:25.600 I had a lot of attention. 00:13:25.759 --> 00:13:31.360 I'm the oldest grandbaby, my mom's the oldest child, so I had my uncle, my aunts in the house. 00:13:31.679 --> 00:13:32.559 I had a lot of love. 00:13:32.639 --> 00:13:33.840 So I had a lot of attention. 00:13:34.000 --> 00:13:36.080 But my mother has an insecure attachment. 00:13:36.159 --> 00:13:38.320 My mom's avoidant, my grandmother's avoidant. 00:13:38.399 --> 00:13:39.600 So I became avoidant. 00:13:39.759 --> 00:13:43.039 I had no idea that this was showing up in my relationships. 00:13:43.279 --> 00:14:00.159 And I can promise you that if you're getting with these types of men, and especially if you've been with these types of men for a number of years, and you're you keep getting in these bad relationships, you have unaddressed, insecure habits that are governing your relationships. 00:14:00.320 --> 00:14:08.799 Now, attachment styles was discovered by psychologist John Bobey, and he looked into the relationship between a mother and a child. 00:14:08.960 --> 00:14:13.600 Boby coined the term affectionless psychopathy. 00:14:13.840 --> 00:14:21.840 This term was used to describe how children's perceptions of being abandoned, rejected, and unloved contributed to delinquent behaviors. 00:14:22.000 --> 00:14:27.840 Now Boby dictated that a child's emotional health had a strong correlation to the relationship with their mother. 00:14:28.000 --> 00:14:32.320 A child's relationship with the mother was like how nutrients are for your physical health. 00:14:32.480 --> 00:14:36.080 As I stated, I had a great relationship with my mother, but my mother was avoidant. 00:14:36.240 --> 00:14:43.120 I didn't grow up with a lot of I love views, hugs and kisses, a lot of affection, and it showed up in my relationships. 00:14:43.279 --> 00:14:45.759 I remember women telling me that I was cold. 00:14:46.080 --> 00:14:47.759 I had no idea what they meant. 00:14:47.840 --> 00:14:51.360 I think I'm thinking to myself, I'm taking you on dates. 00:14:51.600 --> 00:14:53.440 I'm a great communicator. 00:14:53.759 --> 00:14:55.440 I'm sleeping with you. 00:14:55.759 --> 00:14:58.320 What more do you need from me? 00:14:58.559 --> 00:15:01.840 And it wasn't until I developed great relationships with women. 00:15:02.080 --> 00:15:03.360 Friendships with women. 00:15:03.519 --> 00:15:05.200 These women were actually from overseas. 00:15:05.279 --> 00:15:09.600 They're from Europe, parts of the Middle East, and these women were just more affectionate. 00:15:09.840 --> 00:15:12.399 Hand holding, hugs, kisses on the cheeks. 00:15:12.559 --> 00:15:16.240 Even the men in those countries are more affectionate with men. 00:15:16.639 --> 00:15:25.919 So after having these friendships with women, I was able to look back at my romantic relationships and I could see that, oh wow, this is what I was missing in my relationships. 00:15:26.159 --> 00:15:32.240 Just caressing a woman's shoulders, holding her, kissing her on the cheek, telling her I love you. 00:15:32.480 --> 00:15:36.480 Small little things can make a woman feel desired. 00:15:36.559 --> 00:15:39.279 And those are things that I wasn't doing in my relationship. 00:15:39.519 --> 00:15:45.440 There was also a moment where I used to have a monthly, a month-to-month membership with women. 00:15:45.519 --> 00:15:50.240 And we would talk about the whole purpose of it was to heal our attachments. 00:15:50.559 --> 00:15:54.879 Now I stopped that program because it just the people weren't as serious. 00:15:55.039 -->

00:16:01.120 But there was a woman specifically, her husband had come to her about not being happy. 00:16:01.360 --> 00:16:06.559 And then she told her response to that was, Well, I don't know what you want me to do with that. 00:16:07.200 --> 00:16:10.480 And I asked her, I was like, Hey, don't you feel like that's a little dismissive towards your husband? 00:16:10.559 --> 00:16:12.720 She's like, Well, hey, I want a man that's confident. 00:16:13.039 --> 00:16:14.480 I don't want a man that's not happy. 00:16:14.559 --> 00:16:15.919 What I'm supposed to do with that? 00:16:16.080 --> 00:16:21.759 And every answer, every question that she had, every answer she gave was an avoidant answer. 00:16:21.840 --> 00:16:26.960 And I told her, I was like, hey, you know, based off of the answers that you've given, they're coming off as avoidant. 00:16:27.200 --> 00:16:31.039 For example, what if it was your children that came to you and said, hey, I'm not happy? 00:16:31.200 --> 00:16:36.879 Or your children saw you do something like this and saw their father say, Hey, I'm not happy, and then you dismiss them. 00:16:37.039 --> 00:16:42.480 Wouldn't you think that that would teach them that maybe their needs aren't important? 00:16:42.720 --> 00:16:50.960 And then she told, Well, I would never do that with my children, but my husband, well, you know, you're telling me you're secure, but the answers you're giving me are insecure. 00:16:51.279 --> 00:16:54.480 She felt some type of way and she let me know in a private message. 00:16:54.559 --> 00:16:55.679 She wasn't disrespectful. 00:16:55.840 --> 00:17:03.840 But my point is that I promise you, there's things that you're doing in your relationships that are destroying your relationships. 00:17:03.919 --> 00:17:11.920 There's insecure traits and habits that you have that are causing you to get into these unhealthy relationships. 00:17:12.160 --> 00:17:15.119 Now, let's get into why you attract these types of men. 00:17:15.279 --> 00:17:23.519 Now, this is going to be a very hard pill to swallow, but there is something within you that resonates with unhealthy men. 00:17:23.759 --> 00:17:27.759 If a healthy man stepped into your life today, he would feel boring. 00:17:28.079 --> 00:17:36.079 You would not get that emotional excitement because it's not familiar with what you grew up with or what you saw modeled to you. 00:17:36.240 --> 00:17:37.359 And it's going to fill up. 00:17:37.599 --> 00:17:39.519 Some of you guys came from really good families. 00:17:39.759 --> 00:17:41.279 No family's perfect. 00:17:41.599 --> 00:17:47.039 And maybe you're a woman that has it going on, great career, but you always want to fix a guy. 00:17:47.359 --> 00:17:48.880 You saw your mom put up with a lot of crap. 00:17:48.960 --> 00:17:50.880 She's like, oh, this may be normal, you know. 00:17:51.039 --> 00:17:56.480 So you're trying to get guys that are unstable or unstable, you know. 00:17:57.519 --> 00:18:03.200 In a lot of

these cases, and I got this from a book called No Memorous Nice Guy, but it relates to women as well. 00:18:03.680 --> 00:18:07.680 Women will get in relationships with men who have more problems than them. 00:18:07.920 --> 00:18:17.279 Because if they can work with a man that's that's a work in process, that distracts them from dealing with their own issues, their own insecurities. 00:18:17.680 --> 00:18:21.359 You really have to take a really good look at who you are. 00:18:21.759 --> 00:18:25.279 There are two things that made me really start my self-improvement journey. 00:18:25.359 --> 00:18:28.160 It was the example of women telling me that I'm cold. 00:18:28.319 --> 00:18:29.759 But then also it's my father. 00:18:29.920 --> 00:18:32.160 I didn't have a good relationship with my father growing up. 00:18:32.319 --> 00:18:39.200 And honestly, my father deserved a lot of the resistance I had towards him. 00:18:39.359 --> 00:18:48.400 But it wasn't until my mid-20s and my dad and I had a man-to-man conversation, and he apologized, which I wasn't really expecting. 00:18:48.640 --> 00:18:52.240 And after that conversation, I realized, like, hey, you know, my dad really isn't the problem. 00:18:52.400 --> 00:18:58.559 I mean, he's responsible for his actions, but there's something within me that needs to be fixed. 00:18:58.720 --> 00:19:07.279 And until I went through this self-discovery process and got myself together, I wasn't in a position where I felt worthy enough for a healthy relationship. 00:19:07.519 --> 00:19:13.359 I literally, if I really liked a woman and she really liked me, I felt like she was too good for me. 00:19:13.599 --> 00:19:18.880 I felt like, and she could have been, she could have had her own issues that I didn't know about. 00:19:18.960 --> 00:19:22.000 But in my mind, I believed she's too good for me. 00:19:22.160 --> 00:19:24.079 I don't deserve this kind of love. 00:19:24.240 --> 00:19:27.839 Like I'm not, I'm not a good person. 00:19:28.240 --> 00:19:35.119 You know, even though I felt like I was good looking, I felt like I was educated, felt like I was a great athlete, felt like I had a lot of things going for me. 00:19:35.200 --> 00:19:40.079 But for whatever reason, in this area of my life, I did not feel like I was good enough. 00:19:40.319 --> 00:19:48.319 Part of it had to be with me believing that I had to have this awesome career, but a lot of it had to be with me, I had these really dark traits. 00:19:48.880 --> 00:19:51.920 You know, my hometown was Murder Capital in the early 90s. 00:19:52.079 --> 00:19:56.480 So because of that, and I always had like an instinct for fighting. 00:19:56.559 --> 00:19:59.279 My family, you know, they had the kids fight, et cetera. 00:19:59.519 --> 00:20:08.400 But I always was driven more towards the excitement of chaos, the excitement of brawling with somebody. 00:20:08.559 --> 00:20:10.319 I mean, win or lose, I just loved it. 00:20:10.400 --> 00:20:15.039 But I think that I was going about it in the wrong way. 00:20:15.440 --> 00:20:20.880 I would intentionally try to make myself weaker to make somebody feel confident. 00:20:21.039 --> 00:20:26.960 And then when they felt confident enough to bully me, then that gave me an excuse to be nasty and to beat them up. 00:20:27.119 --> 00:20:32.960 And I kept doing this for a long period of time to the point where it was poisoning my spirit and I had to walk away from it. 00:20:34.079 --> 00:20:56.880 And I think that psychologically, that along with not getting the type of affection that that was needed in a romantic relationship, just not getting that and being in that environment and being told that I was stupid from teachers, which I knew wasn't true, it formed something, it crystallized something in my mind that made me feel like I, the world was against me. 00:20:57.039 --> 00:21:01.279 I had to be tough, had to be hard, but I was in a negative space. 00:21:01.680 --> 00:21:03.599 And that showed up in my relationships. 00:21:03.680 --> 00:21:05.440 And I knew I felt I didn't feel good. 00:21:05.599 --> 00:21:18.240 And it wasn't until I got healed and worked in my own issues, till I got with coaches and joined programs and read books, understood my own mental health, was I able to even be ready for that kind of a bond with somebody. 00:21:18.559 --> 00:21:25.039 So my point is that there's something within you, especially if you're a woman in your 40s. 00:21:25.200 --> 00:21:32.319 I mean, if if you're in your 40s, your 30s, and you're experiencing this, you don't have time to play around. 00:21:32.640 --> 00:21:34.319 You know, we only got so much more time. 00:21:34.480 --> 00:21:36.480 It's not that a lot of good people out there. 00:21:36.720 --> 00:21:42.240 Once you get healed, you're gonna become less attracted to other people. 00:21:42.480 --> 00:21:49.839 One thing I noticed that when I started dating, after I got to a good place, I knew that I was the issue of my relationships. 00:21:50.000 --> 00:21:52.240 And luckily, I've always been honest with the women I've dated. 00:21:52.319 --> 00:21:57.519 So the women I I've dated and I have relationships with, we're still cool to these days to this day. 00:21:58.000 --> 00:22:04.559 But when I got healthy, I did not realize that there were a lot of women who are unhealthy. 00:22:04.720 --> 00:22:11.519 And I became very careful with who I gave my body to, who I gave my attention to, even the men who I hung out with. 00:22:11.759 --> 00:22:18.880 You know, and that same thing will happen to you when you really worked on your mental health, and it's so odd. 00:22:19.039 --> 00:22:22.640 When your mental health gets good, it's like everything else in your body, your life gets good. 00:22:22.880 --> 00:22:29.359 Your physical fitness gets good, it becomes a lot easier for you to hold on to your diet, your energy is up, your hobbies are great. 00:22:29.519 --> 00:22:33.599 And when you get to that place, you'll see that a lot of people are dealing with things. 00:22:34.480 --> 00:22:43.519 My point is that you want to get to that space because you want to be able to feel you want to know what your issues are, work through those issues. 00:22:43.599 --> 00:22:47.440 And once you've done that, it's gonna be easier for you to see those issues in somebody else.