Fuld transskription af When Home Doesn't Feel Safe: Surviving Domestic Violence, Reclaiming Your Faith & Rebuilding Life

introduces you, I want Robin to introduce Robin. So today, who is Robin Tello? Robin Taylor: Today I am a counselor. I work with a lot of women who have who have experienced domestic violence. I also work with people who are struggling as couples, working with communication, and with people who have difficulties with depression and anxiety. My private practice business, New Creation Counseling, is my primary job right now. In the course of what I went through to heal myself, I developed a course that I call God's Design. And it's basically looking at the process of healing from domestic violence through the lens of scripture and secular psychology, the combination of the two. And I feel like when Christian women can understand how God made their body to function and what their marriage really should have been like, they can give their themselves some grace to heal. One of the questions that you asked was what happens when home doesn't feel safe? And a lot of people don't have a full understanding of what happens to you when you're caught in what I call a chronically unstable environment. Basically, when you're knocked into your fight or flight, you get a rush of neurochemicals in your body. Okay? And so you get this boost in these neurochemicals. And it takes three full days under best case circumstances for that to get back down to where it should be. But when you're in this kind of chronically unstable environment, every time you get a small reminder. of these tragic, difficult circumstances, you get another smaller dose of the neurochemicals and you wind up, if this is your baseline, you're floating around up here. Okay? What happens is that the normal mental health consequences of living in this kind of environment are things like depression, anxiety. Some people will try to use drugs or alcohol to emotionally numb themselves out a little bit because they feel so on edge and out of control that they feel like they have to have something to kind of bring it down. you also will have problems with sleep disturbances, with problems with concentration, problems with all kinds of things. So it's actually the physical state of your body that changes when you're in a chronically unstable home environment. And for people who say, well, you ought to be able to, you know, basically calm yourself and emotionally regulate yourself through it, it's not that easy because it's a very physical problem. Ruth Hephzibah: Yeah. Wow. Thank you so much. Like, I just really, it's been so great really meeting with you today and talking with you because there a lot of things we need to talk about. And Robin Taylor: Yeah. Ruth Hephzibah: recently, I just want to break down what the segments look like. So we have the grief moment, we have the grace moment, and we have the fresh start wisdom moment. So the first one we'll be looking at is always the grief moment where the truth, we tell the truth about what happened or all of the things that happened and what pain really

cost us. Then we'll talk about the grace moment where we explore healing and the turning point where grace began meeting us in the broken places. And also the fresh start wisdom is where we ask now that you have. lived it, survived it, learned from it, what do want someone else to know? So today we are moving through the grief, the grace and the fresh start. So Robin, today we'll be, let's begin first with the grief moment. So your story did not just begin with your marriage, right? You survived an abuse in childhood, you experienced broken relationships and later. found yourself in a marriage that became abusive and volatile, right? So rather than beginning with the areas I want us to really understand the whole journey, when you look back at your story, what did, what were those things you experienced earlier in life and how did you come to tolerate them and how did it affect your relationship later on? Robin Taylor: Okay, I said before, my mother was very abusive, more emotionally than anything else, but also physically. When she would talk to me as a child, she talked to me like I was her friend. So I knew things about her and her life that I should not have known. But in addition to that, she would tell me that my father loved my sister more than he loved me. And that she loved me more because he didn't love me. So I was kind of like her favorite by default. Ruth Hephzibah: Yeah. Robin Taylor: And I really struggled with all of that. And I struggled with the idea that my mother was confiding with me about problems with my dad. at 12 years old, I knew she had an affair. there were all kinds of dysfunctional things going on in my household, and As a teenager, as a young adult, and into my even later adult years, what happened was I basically struggled with my own worth, right? My dad didn't love me. My mom said she loved me more than my sister, but only because he didn't love me. And so I was desperate for attention and approval. And that led me to more than one really terrible relationship. I was always looking for the house with a white picket fence for this idealistic thing, both before I became a Christian and afterwards. And when I married my ex-husband that I talked to about, he was a graduate of seminary. He you know, made this big thing about he was helping in this local ministry and called himself a relationship counselor and just made himself out to be this. Perfect fit. You know, I just look, he's a Christian. He does this, he does that. Finally, you know, the right person. and I overlooked a lot of red flags. And as a result, wound up having a 10-year marriage with him that was the most abusive and destructive marriage. the most abusive and destructive relationship I had ever been in. so that's basically how the story started. Ruth Hephzibah: Bye. Robin Taylor: but the grace moment, I guess the real turning point was when he was arrested and they took him out of the house. Ruth Hephzibah: you entered into the marriage and your husband graduated from the seminary and was involved in ministry, right? I think that part of your story is really important because sometimes what people see publicly can be completely different from what someone else is experiencing privately. So what was happening behind closed doors that other people on the outside may not have known. Robin Taylor: Well, honestly, with him, I think a lot of people suspected that there was something wrong because they saw him as being short-fused. but of course nobody was willing to really address the issue, right? he was exceptionally controlling, he was physically and sexually abusive. He was extremely demanding. And he, of course, put a lot of this into the framework of if you were different, if you were more submissive, if you did this different, if you did that different, then this wouldn't be a problem. You're the problem. I wouldn't behave this way if it wasn't for you. So he did a lot of manipulation emotionally and spiritually. to try to make this all about me. And what I would say too is when I was in that environment, because of how things work when you're caught in that kind of a chronically unstable environment, I could not function. I I I broke under the weight of this abuse. I think spiritually, emotionally, mentally, by the time this relationship ended, I was in the worst state I had ever been in in my life. I had troubles with concentration, I had troubles with sleep, I was dissociative and just kind of losing myself in all of this. Ruth Hephzibah: Wow. Robin Taylor: So one of the things I'll tell women when they've been through this is you can't thrive in that kind of environment. You're you're not meant to live there. And so what you gotta do is give yourself a little grace and understanding that I was where I should not have been, so I could not function the way God intends me to. Ruth Hephzibah: That's Okay. So now after nearly 10 years of your marriage, your husband was arrested for domestic violence, right? So take us into that period of your life. What happened inside you when everything reached that point? Robin Taylor: Initially it was a collapse. I literally collapsed on the floor of the laundry room and started to sob. I did not realize just how bad it was until that moment. then I knew that This could not continue, that I had to follow through with a divorce. both for the reason that I saw just how bad off I had gotten, and I was terrified of what he would do because now he's gone to jail. And he viewed me as a cause, right? Even though he put his hands on me. and what eventually happened was We had a no contact order because of the violence. And he tried to get his attorney to get my attorney to agree to drop the divorce proceedings entirely. And I wouldn't do that. but what he did say he would do is he would put the no contact order into the divorce papers. So the way that works in Florida, the original paperwork had to be dropped and then new paperwork had to be refiled. Under

typical circumstances, that wouldn't be a problem. His attorney told my attorney that he would file the paperwork for the divorce proceedings and including the no contact order. Okay. On a Friday evening, I received a phone call from my ex-husband, now ex-husband. And he said, the divorce has been dropped, the protection order is gone, I'm coming home. Yeah. So he managed to manipulate the legal system into dropping any protection that I had and insisted he was coming home. And he made sure he did it on a Friday night. So Friday night he waits until he knows the protection order is gone, Ruth Hephzibah: Yeah. Robin Taylor: drops the divorce paperwork. And then calls me on a Friday evening. So I he has all weekend. Right? so he called me and said, I'm coming home. And I'm like, No, you're not. No, you're not. I'm not interested in having you come home. And he's like, You can't stop me because we're married. I'm coming home. that resulted in a two-week period of time. Where my lawyer was trying to get, believe it or not, an emergency hearing took two weeks, right? So my lawyer was trying to get this emergency hearing set up with a judge to get them to tell him to leave me alone. I literally shut down everything in my life and took off and stayed in hotels for that two-week period. Ruth Hephzibah: That's That's serious. I Robin Taylor: Yeah. Ruth Hephzibah: was trying to imagine. So when you look back now beyond the physical circumstances, what did all of those domestic violence cost you emotionally, physically, and spiritually? Robin Taylor: Well, by the end of it, I was totally broken. I mean, I felt like I couldn't do anything right. And I had kind of bought into the idea that I was the problem here because I had been through more than one terrible relationship. And of course he denied that he had ever done anything like that. Later it turned out that he had several instances of abuse that I didn't have knowledge Ruth Hephzibah: Thank you. Robin Taylor: of. so initially it was just devastation and this feeling that nothing would ever get better. but God stepped in and it started during that two-week period when I was actually going from hotel room to hotel room. And he was calling different people and telling them that I was nuts. He called my pastor and said, She's crazy. She's taken off for no reason at all. Do you have any i idea where she is? I'm concerned about her safety because I think she's lost her mind. so at one point Ruth Hephzibah: You can't do that. Robin Taylor: yeah at one point in this two-week period I Ruth Hephzibah: Holy Robin Taylor: actually got a call from my pastor. and he said to me, Robin, he called me and he said that he's worried about you, that he thinks you've Basically lost your mind and it's suicidal. And I don't think he actually used those that exact verbiage, right? But it was kind of like your husband called me, he says you've gone crazy, and I don't know where you are, and I don't know if you're okay. So what's wrong? And Ruth Hephzibah: Oof. Robin Taylor: I told him, I said, look, I'm not crazy. He's been abusive. I'm just trying to maintain my distance until this hearing. And I don't want anybody to know where I am. And I thank God for that man every day because he just kind of stopped and listened to me. And what he said to me at the end of this conversation was, I don't know him, I know you. I know who Ruth Hephzibah: in the next Robin Taylor: you are. And I trust you. And Ruth Hephzibah: Wow. Robin Taylor: I know that you're not lying to me. And I'm pretty sure he is. You know, so it was this relief that somebody actually believed me. Ruth Hephzibah: sleeping you. Robin Taylor: Right. And so As I started to walk through this process, that two-week period and on into the following year, year and a half, was when I really looked at the combination of scripture and secular psychology. And that's really the foundation of much of what I teach women today who are coming out of domestic violence about what their Ruth Hephzibah: Yeah. Robin Taylor: environment did to them. what they can expect as they recover and what to do to help them. Ruth Hephzibah: That's true. if it affected your faith, affected the way you saw God differently. Because most times grief has a way of taking a turn on people. to begin to see God differently and begin to see their faith differently. Did that ever happen to you? Robin Taylor: I think for me, because I had the pastor that I had, because I had people around me who supported me and said, We bel we believe you. We don't we don't think you're crazy. We we believe what you're saying. Because I had that kind of support, I didn't really lose faith for myself. As far as feeling like God was with me, I think the biggest thing that hurt as far as faith goes was down the road when I started to counsel women who had gone through this. And it wasn't that much longer. God just put all kinds of women in my path. But when I started to see so many women, both women who were Christians and women who were not, right? And these terrible, horrible stories I would hear. It was it was terrible. It was eye-opening and it was frightening all at the same time. And I remember one instance where I had just gotten off the phone with one of my clients. And I literally broke down into tears. And I'm like, God, I don't understand. I don't understand why I'm seeing all these things. I don't understand why all these women are telling me these terrible stories. I just don't get it. I don't get it. And I felt like God told me at that point that his daughters were dying. Ruth Hephzibah: Wow. Robin Taylor: And for me that was a huge turning point because it was like, yeah, they they are. There are so many women who are dying at the hands of men are who are supposed to love them or who are suffering so unbearably under the weight of abuse. And nobody Nobody really wants to talk about it. Nobody really wants to address it. It's an ugly thing, right? And a

lot of women who have been through abuse within the context of the church, they're they're told, you know, we need to keep marriages together, and they're pressured that way, or they're not believed. And so I think the church as a whole has done. Domestic violence and injustice, because the church is supposed to protect people. Ruth Hephzibah: Ugh. Robin Taylor: That's to protect the victim in this situation. It's not to protect the abuser. so that Ruth Hephzibah: Thank Robin Taylor: for me is probably. the biggest stumbling block to faith. It's not that I don't think God can work through these things, but it's reconciling what I'm seeing in the Ruth Hephzibah: in the church. Robin Taylor: church. Ruth Hephzibah: You're right because really a lot of things hide under the church and sometimes people because just like you said doing this podcast has really made me hear a lot of stories and hear people's stories and begin to see life differently And like you said, the church is supposed to protect the victim, the victim and not to protect the abuser. But it always goes the other way because the church wants to cover up a lot of stuff. And it's like, it's taking us back to the Stone Age days when a of things happened in the church. And I think it's time for the church to wake up to begin to see all of these things happening underneath them. So it doesn't... They don't keep losing members and they don't have members who lose faith in the church. Because you may have a pastor who is still working with you or people who are still in the church, but they really don't believe in the ministry no more because of all the things they keep saying. Robin Taylor: marriage is supposed to be a reflection of Christ's love for the church. That's the primary thing, right? I think we have put so much emphasis on male headship or leadership, some people have taken the verses on submission out of context. Ruth Hephzibah: Yes. Robin Taylor: And use that to try to mean that women should be subservient Ruth Hephzibah: like tools in your head. Robin Taylor: and not express themselves. so I see a lot of things that are taken out of context, and I think that's the primary stumbling block, is that we need to look at our relationships as being the reflection of Christ's love for the church, not who's the head, and not I'm in charge. even when you look at the examples of how Jesus treated women, you'll find that his treatment of women was very different from other men in his time. Look at the woman at the well. Ruth Hephzibah: Yeah. Robin Taylor: No other man's gonna talk to that woman. Ruth Hephzibah: Yeah. Robin Taylor: Not only did Jesus talk to her, but he was kind to her. Ruth Hephzibah: That's true. That's true. Okay, that brings us to the grace moment. So now, at the grace moment, I just want us to look at certain things that happened. So Robin, you've described your recovery as a journey that combines scriptures and secular psychology, And I really want to talk about that because sometimes Christians are made to feel as though they have to choose either to pray or to go to cancer. Either you have faith or you acknowledge trauma. Either you trust God or you seek professional help. But you know one thing, the journey seems to have taught you something different because when I listened to your story and everything, I realized that there's something different. What began to change when you realized that faith and psychological healing? did not have to compete with one another, but they could both become part of your recovery. Robin Taylor: Well, in the course of the time that I was gone on my two-week tour of Florida and these hotels that I stayed in, I was reading scripture and I came across Second Timothy three. And it's something that I actually bring up to a lot of women who are struggling with recovery from this. For me, that was also very pivotal because I realized in that moment that I was actually trying to live under circumstances God did not intend me to live under. And that I was basically demanding too much of myself. And that's what I tell a lot of women now is you cannot live beyond your limitations. At the Ruth Hephzibah: Mm-hmm. Robin Taylor: same time I was looking at the scripture, I was also looking at family trauma. I was taking a family trauma training. Okay. And actually even before my marriage ended, I I had become a counselor, but I was a grief counselor. Ruth Hephzibah: Yeah. Robin Taylor: I was a grief counselor for hospice because I honestly felt like that was all I could offer and all I could do. Because I knew my private life was all messed up. And I knew that Ruth Hephzibah: Yeah. Robin Taylor: I couldn't help anybody with anything because I was struggling so much myself. But I could comfort people who are dying. I could comfort their families. I could provide them with what they needed. And when My my divorce happened. God just brought me all kinds of women. And I immerse myself in studying trauma and the scripture. but I'd like to read you what 2 Timothy 3 says, if that's okay. okay, so it says, but mark this: there will be terrible times in the last days. People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having a form of godliness, but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people. Ruth Hephzibah: people. Robin Taylor: Goes on and says they are the kind who worm their way into homes and gain control over gullible women. Who are loaded down with sins and swayed by all kinds of evil desires, always learning but never coming to the knowledge of the truth. Just as Janice and Jambrus oppose Moses, so also these teachers oppose the truth. They are men of depraved minds who, as far as the faith are concerned, is are rejected. But they

will not get very far because in the case of those men, their folly will be clear to everyone. So I read that and I really felt like God led me to it. And I could literally sit there and think about my ex-husband and say, yeah, he was that, yeah, he was that, yeah, he was that. And I realized that I had bought into the belief that somehow if I was submissive enough, prayed enough, did enough, if I did everything right, he would suddenly change and become the man God called him to be. And I realized that I was the gullible woman. And for me, it was Ruth Hephzibah: more. Robin Taylor: a moment of grace because it's like, I see now what I was doing. It was conviction. Ruth Hephzibah: We'll be there. Robin Taylor: It wasn't condemnation. It was very much, see, you shouldn't be there. And then he showed me why, because when I started looking at trauma and talking about environments that are chronically unstable, that's when the whole all the information was presented about how you can get knocked into your fight or flight and stay there. And that if you're in your fight or flight Ruth Hephzibah: Huh. Robin Taylor: because you're in an unstable environment, you're going to be depressed, you're going to be anxious, you're going to have mental health problems because your body's not meant to take it. And it it married the two for me. It was like, okay, Ruth Hephzibah: Wow. Robin Taylor: 2 Timothy 3 says, don't be around these people. And this is the effect that they have on your body. You're going to get knocked into your fight or flight. Your neurochemicals are going to be out of balance. You're going to be depressed, anxious, irritable. You're going to want to have anything to tone you down and calm you down. You're going to struggle with depression and anxiety and insomnia and all kinds of things. Ruth Hephzibah: And that's true. Because what? Yeah, you're right. Robin Taylor: It and it is it's it's very physical. Ruth Hephzibah: You're right. Because it's really what you're saying is true. But because I didn't really like what passage of that Bible is that you read earlier. Robin Taylor: It's second Timothy three. Ruth Hephzibah: the second cemetery. Okay, because it's like just hitting the nail on the head and trying to say, yeah, this is exactly what's going on. I've heard a lot of stories about women who die in their marriages from abuses because people don't listen, people don't want to believe this is happening. And I've also heard a lot of stories about women, especially gospel ministers who first ladies and all of that. who struggle in their marriage and eventually pass away because nobody actually saw what was going on in their marriages and the abuse and all of those stuff that go on in marriages with these people and they cannot speak up because nobody is seeing them. But I think if they had understanding of this passage or this second tumultitri, they would know exactly how to address certain things in their marriage. And that'll... Based

on that, really want to talk to I want to talk about something really like difficult, you know, because there may be someone who is actually listening right now, who really needs to hear, who have always been told, just pray about it, pray about it, forgive, stay, God will take on true, submit, that's all you need to do. Don't embarrass your family. Don't embarrass the church. Don't embarrass your children. know, don't embarrass the people around you. Don't even do this. God hates divorce. God doesn't like it in any way. And those ways, you know, may have left them confused about what God actually expects of them. So Robin, I want you to explain what did you have to relearn about God during your healing journey? Robin Taylor: I think the biggest thing for me was realizing that he loved me just for me, just the way I was. another part of my healing was actually if you look at secular psychology, what's called attachment theory. It's Ruth Hephzibah: Okay. Robin Taylor: the idea that God created people to want to connect with other people. And most of your attachment style actually forms from the time you're born around the time that you're three years old. And it's kind of ingrained over the course of your life. So what can happen Is that because we have this dysfunctional attachment style, it rolls over into our adult life. Okay, so for me, because of my background, I was very anxiously attached. I was afraid of being abandoned. I was Wanting to cling on to somebody, I would overlook red flags in a relationship because I wanted the relationship so badly and I wanted to feel loved. when I was healing through that, I actually bought a book on attachment and dysfunction that was like a thousand pages long. And I was reading through it. And I kept feeling like there was one thing in particular that God wanted me to see. And I was praying about it. I'm like, God, I know there's something here. And I'm feeling like I'm looking for a needle and a haystack. And I need some help Ruth Hephzibah: I'm Robin Taylor: to figure out what this is because this was it, this huge book, right? And so I Ruth Hephzibah: Yeah! Robin Taylor: went back and I started looking through the table of contents. And when I saw it, I knew right away this is what God wants me to see. And it was actually the treatment for. attachment dysfunction in adults, one of the treatments is actually called ideal parent figure. And I started to laugh and I'm like, okay, God, you you got me. You're the perfect father. So that's what this is, right? I got it. What you need to realize is that your position as God's daughter is not something that's earned. It is birthright. It is something that no one can take away from you. And no mistake you make will ever make that go away. You're God's daughter, you're his girl, right? You're his princess. And you need to realize that's the importance that you have to him. You know, people talk a lot about submission and pray harder, fast for him, don't say anything negative, don't embarrass the church. But they won't quote the verse in Proverbs that actually says that if a man doesn't treat well treat his wife well, it will hinder his prayers before God. That's in the Bible too. So you need to be concerned with what God thinks of you. God cares about you enough that if you have a husband and he doesn't treat you well, he's not going to listen to that husband's prayers the way he would if he treated you well. That has an impact on his spiritual connection with God. Ruth Hephzibah: Wow. This is really like very deep. So where did you begin seeing grace? Like was there a moment when you started realizing I survived these, but now I also deserve an opportunity to heal? Or is there like something different that actually happened in between? Robin Taylor: I think there were several moments. It was a combination of realizing how badly I was affected by my environment and that God was saying it was okay to leave that environment, that that that was what I needed to do, right? Not just it was okay, that's what I needed to do to be better, right? The idea that God is my father and he loves me, regardless of my desire to earn it. Right. I can't I can never earn God's love. I am his daughter. That is birthright. And that is something nobody can take away from me. And I think Ruth Hephzibah: That's true. Robin Taylor: those were the two biggest things that really helped me to heal. I learned to look at how God designed my body to work and work with that in order to feel better. In the materials that I have, I have the class on domestic violence recovery, I have one on anger and one on taking thoughts captive. And I also have what I call a coping kit. And it's basically meditations and breath and body activities that work with your body to help calm you. A lot of Christians have a problem with secular psychology because they feel like it removes God from the equation. Ruth Hephzibah: Yeah. Robin Taylor: But I always tell people, think about how God designed your body to function. Okay. One of the things somebody who's a counselor may tell somebody to do is to do breathing activities to help calm themselves. Okay. Probably heard of it, right? It's very common. Ruth Hephzibah: That was it. That was it. Robin Taylor: But if you know the the reasons why it works. To me, I look at that and I say, wow, God designed that so perfectly. Because the reason why deep breathing works is because when you get anxious, you tend to breathe shallowly. You breathe in your chest. Okay. When you breathe deeply, if you put your hands on your belly and you feel your belly rise and fall when you inhale and exhale. That's the way you need to breathe to calm yourself down. The reason for that is because what you're trying to do by taking deep breaths is activate your vagus nerve. Your vagus nerve runs down your spine and then it wraps around your core. Okay, so all your internal organs other than your kidneys, it kind of wraps around in

there. All right. And your vagus nerve is activated by pressure. So when I take a deep breath, I breathe in, that air puts pressure on my vagus nerve. And when your vagus nerve has that feeling of pressure, it starts telling your brain that your body's okay. It's that's literally how that works. I tell people all the time think about how amazing that is that God designed your body to work that way. Ruth Hephzibah: That's it. Wow, I think that's such an important distinction because survival gets you sometimes through so many things, you know, and I love the breathing exercise. Like you said, the deep breathing, helps a lot and a lot of people need to work with that. And, you know, healing helps you also to discover how you should live like afterwards. So most times, most of these things, especially the secular psychology, I don't have a problem with it as a Christian, maybe because of the kind of job I do. I believe that it is part of what I think is even part of Christianity if you look at it critically. It's not like it's distinct from it because everything is about nature and God uses all of these things even in the Bible. And as long as it's working and it works for people because it works a lot. It takes you away from the chemical ones that you want to use and you're using natural means to help yourself heal from the things that are taking you away from being productive. And I always love, I'm a fresh start coach, you know? So I believe so much that no matter what you've been through in life, you need tools that will be able to help you with fresh start. And that takes us now to the next stage, which is our fresh start. wisdom and this part is the part I love most because now we get to meet the woman on the other side of what happened. Today you are a counselor, you have developed your face-based domestic violence recovery course, you are preparing to launch your fit-based mental health app. You did not allow your situation to keep you somewhere and stuck. There is something powerful about that. The woman who was needed in the safe place is not helping people create places for themselves. So now, what do you know now about healing, about abuse, about faith, about rebuilding that you wish? that they were robbing at the beginning of this journey actually knew. Robin Taylor: One of my favorite quotes is by Alexander Denheur, and it's a flower doesn't if a flower doesn't bloom, you don't blame the flower. You change the environment in which it lives. Ruth Hephzibah: That is it. Robin Taylor: And for me, that I wish I would have really known and appreciated that when I was younger, because I wouldn't Ruth Hephzibah: Yeah. Robin Taylor: have, I don't think I would have tolerated the same things and I would have realized that it I did have needs that weren't being met, and I couldn't function and become the woman I wanted to be without those things. the other part of it is giving yourself grace in this journey. I feel like women need to understand

what happens to them when they're in that kind of environment. They need to understand how post-traumatic stress works and how that can have an effect on them now, and how they can recover from it. And they need to really start thinking about self-care and boundaries. They need to be able to say that Ruth Hephzibah: Money. Robin Taylor: I deserve good treatment. And I should expect Ruth Hephzibah: you Robin Taylor: that. And if people don't treat me right, if they don't treat me well, it's not okay, it's not being mean or unchristian or Showing a lack of faith by saying there are certain behaviors that I won't tolerate. Right? I can pray for you, I can love you, I can be kind to you, but if you yell at me, if you slam doors, if you threaten me, if you don't do those things to me, those are things that I should not tolerate because they'll have an effect on me. And Ruth Hephzibah: You're right. Robin Taylor: Women need to be able to see that. They need to be able to see that they should expect good behavior. since my divorce from my very abusive spouse of 10 years, Ruth Hephzibah: you. Robin Taylor: I have since remarried. And I kind of laughed because my husband is a volunteer firefighter. He is coming up on 30 years of service. he's a very sweet man. But when we were dating, there was a point where we were talking and we were talking about what a relationship should look like. And I was very blunt and very straightforward. And what I told him was, if you expect to marry me. You need to be willing to die for me because that's what God says. Right? Ruth Hephzibah: That's true. Robin Taylor: Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church. Christ died for the church. So you need to be willing to have that kind of love for me. And he kind of grinned and looked. Ruth Hephzibah: That's it. Robin Taylor: And looked at me and he said, Well, I'd die for somebody else, so I die for you too. Ruth Hephzibah: you. Robin Taylor: And I always tease him about that. Now he'll Ruth Hephzibah: Do Robin Taylor: just look at me like, Yeah, okay. Ruth Hephzibah: my god. Robin Taylor: But I always tell everybody he he's a protector. He runs into burning bri buildings. Yes, he would die for somebody else. Ruth Hephzibah: Yeah. Robin Taylor: but I also know that he would protect me with his very last breath. Ruth Hephzibah: That is it. Robin Taylor: And that's that's part of what a woman needs to realize is that she's precious to God. Her place in God is not dependent on her behavior. It is not dependent on her husband. God doesn't have daughter-in-laws, he has daughters. You don't get to God through your husband. You get to God through the one-on-one relationship you have with Him and the acceptance of Christ. And that's all that's required. I think we put much too much emphasis on: you must be married, you must be a mother, you must do this, you must do that, right? That's Ruth Hephzibah: See Robin Taylor: not what this is supposed to be about. It's supposed to be about a relationship with Christ. It's supposed to be about God and showing people his love. Ruth Hephzibah: Does it? Uh-huh. Robin Taylor: and I think way too many women have a heart where they want to be a wife and a mother because they feel like that's what they've been called to, but they overlook a lot of red flags and a lot of negative things trying to get there. And if you're secure in God and who you are to Him, you're not gonna settle. Ruth Hephzibah: okay so because that was exactly what i wanted to ask you to talk about in this next part i wanted you to speak directly with someone whose relationship may look wonderful publicly you know and is feeling threatening and controlling volatile and unsafe privately and you've really touched a lot of people maybe the person is a leader their husband is or their partner because some this goes both ways, men and women. So maybe they are involved in the church, are leaders in the community, maybe someone who would have believed that when, nobody ever believes what happens when the door is closed, you know? So I just want, you've really touched all of that. And I know there are a lot of people listening right now. And like she said, just, I think the whole nut of everything is believe in yourself and Don't be with anyone who cannot fight for you, who cannot love you like Christ loved the church. So before we go to our final question, I want you to tell us about the work you're doing right now. I know you've talked about it as we've been talking, but I want us to really, because I know I love what you're doing personally. So I want you to talk to the audience and let them know exactly what you're doing right. Robin Taylor: You can find out a lot more on Time to Bloom Online. That's the website. I am currently finishing up work on a faith-based mental health app. And it started out with my domestic violence recovery course, but I wanted something where it would be a little bit more expanded. something that dealt with spiritual growth, with some of the things that I mentioned as far as working with your body to help calm yourself, learning those kinds of things. So it has what I call the coping kit in it. It's got some things that are called quick tips for mental health, which are just like little snippets of what what might work to help be helpful. And it's also got a journaling part. And the idea is it's got these classes, it's got this information. And you develop your own healing plan from that. Okay. Thinking about your body. Okay. Making sure you're drinking enough water, eating right, maybe doing some exercise, doing the physical things you need to do, right? In addition to that, looking at things like my thoughts and how I deal with you know, when I have Anxious, intrusive thoughts about something, how to handle those things, how to really kind of plan out what to do for your healing. So it's all set up with all these individual sections to it. There's going to be a free part of the app

that's just gonna have the spiritual growth and a couple of other things, and then what I call A healing and recovery membership that has like a $15.99 a month cost to it. so everything's gonna be right there together. It's an app that is going to eventually be on like the app stores. but it's supposed to be finished up. Any day now, hopefully praying for it. I had just a couple of little changes that had to be made. And as with all things technical, right? You never have it happen as quick as you want. Ruth Hephzibah: Yeah. Robin Taylor: so you can look at Time to Bloom online, and that's got some information on it, some things about just the class itself and some other things that are on there to purchase, but I I really I think the app is The app is actually what I had in my head five years Ruth Hephzibah: Wow. Robin Taylor: ago when I started thinking about doing this. And it looks like I finally come to the point where the image that I had in my head, the thought that I had in my head about what I wanted, may actually be done. So I'm really looking forward to that. And as I Ruth Hephzibah: Yeah. Robin Taylor: said, it's a pretty affordable way to kind of develop your own healing plan. I'm also offering intensive coaching sessions to go along with it. And I continue to offer my counseling sessions out of my private practice. Ruth Hephzibah: Okay, that's great. So most times, every time at Grief to Grace, end our Grief to Grace conversation with one signature question. And before I ask it, I want you to think about the person who is listening quietly today. any, nobody really knows what's happening in their homes. You know, yesterday's, God gave me, that was two days ago, God gave me a word. They were like, God I beg, God I beg is like God please. know, the silence, some people just have that silent question, that silent prayer in their heart. No other person knows about it and all they just know is God I beg. So maybe there's that one person out there that is saying God I beg, you know? Maybe they spent so many years explaining away someone else's behavior and... Maybe they don't even know what to call it. They don't even want to call it abuse at all because they're shying away from me. Maybe fate has become tangled with fear, with guilt, with shame, with confusion. And maybe they've already left physically, but emotionally they are still trying to find themselves. Or maybe they are finally safe, but don't know what comes next. So I just want you to talk to that one person today that really feel so stuck in their whole life right now and give them just that one word that they need in this season. Robin Taylor: I would like every woman to know who has gone through this that they're not defective. This is not a flaw in them. God did not design you to hold up to abuse and dysfunctional environments. You're not defective. God loves you. There's a path forward to healing for you. And you're not responsible for the abuse you suffered. And all the things you've done while you've been going through this abuse have been a result of your environment and the state your body is in, and what you're responsible for is recognizing your limitations and taking care of yourself, doing what you need to do to step out of that kind of toxicity and into a peaceful life. Ruth Hephzibah: Robin, thank you. Thank you today for coming. Thank you for your honesty. Thank you for trusting us with your story. Really, it's really touched me because lately I've been hearing a lot of stories from women, especially in the faith and how much they are suffering, especially from first ladies, know, how much they can really talk about what they're going through in their homes. Robin Taylor: Yeah. Ruth Hephzibah: I really... pray for them today that God will be able to give them a sense to understand that this thing is called abuse. This thing is called abuse and it goes beyond their faith. And I just want to thank you for showing us that there can be a life beyond survival. And to everyone listening today, I wanted to carry this with you. Abuse does not come acceptable. because it happened inside marriage. It doesn't become acceptable because someone has a ministry title. It doesn't become acceptable because the relationship looks beautiful to everyone else. And asking for help doesn't mean you lack faith. Faith and mental health care do not have to be enemies. We talked about it last week, we're talking about it today again. Sometimes healing looks like prayers. Sometimes it looks like scriptures. Sometimes it looks like counseling. Sometimes it looks like just talking to somebody. Sometimes it looks like boundaries. Sometimes it looks like God at work. Sometimes it looks like finding safety. And sometimes it looks like discovering your voice again. Sometimes it looks like allowing trustworthy people to help you. And sometimes a fresh start begins with recognizing that what you've been surviving isn't what you have to keep accepting. So if today's conversation has brought something difficult to the surface for you, please do not fail to reach out to us. Don't feel that you're To navigate all of these things alone reach out to a qualified professional or to a trusted source for support and reach out to grief to grace Because that is what we do here, especially if you are currently in an unsafe space remember to call the numbers in your various locations and through grief support groups, communities, resources, we continue to create spaces, even through our books, we have a number of them, to continue to create spaces for you, for honest conversations about grief, about traumas, about healing, about recovery, and about fresh starts. And if you're navigating grief, loss or rebuilding. your life after heartbreak. A pen that we write grief this book is on amazon and is on our website. It is a book that will help you. It was created to offer encouragement, reflection, hope and as you begin to rewrite the other chapter of your story you need this book for your fresh start. I am simply Ruth Hebsiver your Fresh Start blog. And I want to leave you today with these words from Psalm 34 verse 18. The Lord is light unto them who are brokenhearted and save them who are with a contrite heart. And if your heart is broken, know that your story is not finished. If your trust has been broken, your story is not finished. If your sense of safety has been broken, Your story is not finished. And if your life, the life you thought you were building fell apart, some of us have had all of that. Your story is not finished. This is grief to grace. And this is season two, Rebuilding After Loss. And this theme of this month is Rebuilding After Trauma and Recovery. Today's episode has been when home doesn't feel safe. So we've been focusing on domestic violence, reclaiming faith and rebuilding your life. And once again, I am Ruth Hebsibah. Simply Ruth Hebsibah, your Fresh Start blog. Until next time, always remember this. Your story isn't over yet. Have a great day. Thank you so much for joining us today. Bye.