UDSKRIFT 🔗
WEBVTT
00:00:34.280 --> 00:00:40.840
Have you ever finished a date and spent the entire drive home wondering, did he like me?
00:00:41.079 --> 00:00:42.679
Did I say too much?
00:00:42.920 --> 00:00:44.280
Will he call?
00:00:44.759 --> 00:00:54.120
Then somewhere between checking your phone and replaying the conversation, you realize you haven't asked yourself one important question.
00:00:54.439 --> 00:00:57.000
Did I like how I felt with him?
00:00:57.480 --> 00:01:00.840
Welcome to this bonus episode of Bent Not Broken.
00:01:01.000 --> 00:01:02.519
I'm Coach Deborah.
00:01:02.760 --> 00:01:12.359
In my conversation with relationship coach Camille Boudreaux, founder of Fix Your Picker, we talked about something that may feel familiar.
00:01:12.680 --> 00:01:20.120
Being a capable, successful woman who somehow ends up doing most of the work in a relationship.
00:01:20.439 --> 00:01:29.480
You organize, you encourage, you make allowances, you see what someone could become, and you start helping him get there.
00:01:29.879 --> 00:01:36.599
Before long, you're exhausted and still waiting for the relationship you thought you were building.
00:01:36.840 --> 00:01:41.560
Today, let's take a few moments to bring the attention back to you.
00:01:42.040 --> 00:01:45.799
Many of us have learned that working harder produces results.
00:01:46.120 --> 00:01:50.840
We study, practice, solve problems, and follow through.
00:01:51.079 --> 00:01:56.040
But a relationship involves another person's willingness to participate.
00:01:56.280 --> 00:02:03.959
Your effort cannot supply his honesty, consistency, or emotional availability.
00:02:04.200 --> 00:02:11.400
You can communicate what you need, you can make room for growth, but you cannot do both people's part.
00:02:11.959 --> 00:02:17.639
I know how easy it can be to lose sight of that when you want something to work.
00:02:17.879 --> 00:02:20.599
You start explaining away disappointments.
00:02:20.840 --> 00:02:26.840
You tell yourself he's busy, he's been hurt, or he just needs someone who understands him.
00:02:27.159 --> 00:02:29.400
Any of those things may be true.
00:02:29.639 --> 00:02:35.400
You still get to ask whether the relationship as it exists today works for you.
00:02:35.800 --> 00:02:41.000
Here are three questions to help you slow down and listen to yourself.
00:02:41.319 --> 00:02:43.639
Imagine you had a wonderful date.
00:02:46.279 --> 00:02:48.759
You pictured where things might go.
00:02:49.000 --> 00:02:51.399
Then the follow-through didn't come.
00:02:52.040 --> 00:02:56.680
Try separating what happened from what you hoped it meant.
00:02:57.000 --> 00:03:01.079
He said he wanted to make plans in one piece of information.
00:03:01.560 --> 00:03:05.399
He made plans and followed through is another.
00:03:05.720 --> 00:03:09.399
Give yourself permission to observe over time.
00:03:10.040 --> 00:03:17.800
One disappointing interaction doesn't tell you everything about someone, and one beautiful evening doesn't either.
00:03:18.040 --> 00:03:23.720
You don't have to fill in the missing information with either a fantasy or a fear.
00:03:24.040 --> 00:03:31.399
Cammy shared her 30% rule as a way to pace your emotional investment early in dating.
00:03:31.639 --> 00:03:39.800
The invitation I took from that conversation was to keep giving attention to the rest of your life while you get to know someone.
00:03:40.040 --> 00:03:42.199
Are you still seeing your friends?
00:03:42.439 --> 00:03:45.879
Are you keeping the routines that keep you feel well?
00:03:46.279 --> 00:03:53.399
Are you leaving room for your interest or keeping every evening open in case he calls?
00:03:53.720 --> 00:03:56.279
Enjoying someone new can be exciting.
00:03:56.600 --> 00:04:03.480
Allow that excitement to have a place in your life while you continue caring for the life you already have.
00:04:03.800 --> 00:04:15.560
For example, if you have plans with a friend and a last-minute invitation arrives, you might say, I'd enjoy seeing you, I already have plans tonight, with Saturday work.
00:04:16.040 --> 00:04:22.519
That small response honors both your interest in him and your commitment to yourself.
00:04:22.839 --> 00:04:27.000
Can you express a preference without apologizing for having one?
00:04:27.399 --> 00:04:30.040
Can you say you want to move slowly?
00:04:30.360 --> 00:04:34.360
Can you disagree respectfully and still feel heard?
00:04:34.759 --> 00:04:39.720
This connects with what can be called the sword, authenticity.
00:04:40.199 --> 00:04:44.920
Saying yes when you mean yes and no when you mean no.
00:04:45.240 --> 00:04:47.720
You might practice with something simple.
00:04:47.959 --> 00:04:50.759
I prefer making plans ahead of time.
00:04:51.240 --> 00:04:57.719
Or I've enjoyed getting to know you and I'm looking for a relationship with consistent communication.
00:04:57.959 --> 00:04:59.719
What are you looking for?
00:05:00.199 --> 00:05:04.919
Then give yourself time to hear the answer and observe what follows.
00:05:05.240 --> 00:05:09.560
The purpose is to learn whether you can be yourself with this person.
00:05:09.959 --> 00:05:14.519
You deserve information that helps you make your own decision.
00:05:14.759 --> 00:05:19.639
If you're listening and thinking, Deborah, I didn't listen to myself before.
00:05:19.879 --> 00:05:21.719
What if I do that again?
00:05:22.039 --> 00:05:24.120
Take a deep breath with me.
00:05:24.439 --> 00:05:32.120
You can acknowledge what you wish you had recognized without turning it into a judgment about your worth.
00:05:32.759 --> 00:05:40.039
Someone else's choice to deceive, control, or abuse you is their responsibility.
00:05:40.439 --> 00:05:48.839
Learning about your needs and patterns can help you move forward, but it does not make you responsible for their behavior.
00:05:49.159 --> 00:05:53.800
Self-trust can grow through small moments of follow-through.
00:05:54.039 --> 00:05:56.759
You notice you're tired and you rest.
00:05:57.399 --> 00:06:01.079
You recognize that you need time and you take it.
00:06:01.399 --> 00:06:07.479
You feel uncertain and you allow yourself to ask a question instead of rushing past it.
00:06:07.879 --> 00:06:10.519
You can also reach out to someone you trust.
00:06:10.680 --> 00:06:13.879
You don't have to sort through every decision alone.
00:06:14.039 --> 00:06:18.759
And if you aren't ready to date, you're allowed to honor that too.
00:06:19.079 --> 00:06:23.479
Take a few quiet moments and finish these three sentences.
00:06:23.879 --> 00:06:26.680
I feel most like myself when.
00:06:28.077 --> 00:06:40.557
One thing I want to keep making room for is one need I'm ready to take seriously is choose one small action from what you wrote.
00:06:40.877 --> 00:06:44.557
Maybe you'll keep a standing walk with a friend.
00:06:44.798 --> 00:06:48.798
Maybe you'll stop apologizing for wanting advance notice.
00:06:49.038 --> 00:06:53.837
Maybe you'll give yourself another month before deciding whether to date.
00:06:54.157 --> 00:06:56.798
Choose something you can follow through on.
00:06:57.079 --> 00:07:03.319
Each time you do, you give yourself another experience of being heard by you.
00:07:04.039 --> 00:07:11.959
The next time you find yourself wondering whether someone will choose you, pause long enough to consider what are you choosing to?
00:07:12.599 --> 00:07:14.360
How are you being treated?
00:07:14.680 --> 00:07:16.439
Can you speak honestly?
00:07:16.759 --> 00:07:21.079
Is there room for your life, your needs, and your voice?
00:07:21.399 --> 00:07:23.879
You can take that time finding out.
00:07:24.360 --> 00:07:27.800
I'm Coach Deborah, and this is Bent Up Broken.
00:07:27.959 --> 00:07:35.240
If you missed my conversation with Cammy Boudreaux, listen to the full episode, Dating a Partner or Managing a Project.
00:07:37.959 --> 00:07:44.279
Share this bonus episode with someone who could use a little encouragement to trust her own voice again.
00:07:44.519 --> 00:07:50.680
And until next time, keep making choices that honor the woman you are becoming.