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WEBVTT
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Welcome to our little show.
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There are some things that you should know.
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We've practiced what we're gonna say, but it will go wrong anyway.
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We've got the facts, we've got the charts, just not the social graces parts.
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So settle in and press that play and let awkward lead the way.
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It's the Certifiably Awkward Podcast.
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It's the Certifiably Awkward Podcast.
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Welcome back to the Certifiably Awkward Podcast.
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This is episode five, and I'm one of your hosts, Amy.
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I'm Gabriella.
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And I'm Lena.
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So it's been quite the week for some of us here on the pod.
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Um, I don't know about you, Lena, but I've been doing a little bit of swiping on the dating apps.
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Have you found yourself back on the apps lately?
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I have.
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For a brief bit.
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A brief bit.
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Um, I am back off the episode.
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Wait, wait, wait, so for a brief moment you were on them and you said, never mind, I'm done.
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Just kidding, jokes on you guys.
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Yeah, it looks like as if I went fishing, I threw my reel out there and I went, oh no.
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You're like, I don't like this anymore.
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I don't like to fish.
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Yeah, the water is kind of dirty, the fish look a little mutated, I think I'm both.
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Mutated fish.
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I mean, no offense to the fish.
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So you're on the apps, you're reading the profiles, and you're just like swiping loft on everybody because they're mutated fish.
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Yes.
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Um, did you come across any um regular fish?
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Regular, maybe, not so mutated fish?
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Um, maybe a couple.
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Because they say there's plenty of fish in the sea.
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Yeah.
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I'm not in the right sea.
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Did you come across any mutated fish that were memorable?
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Um yes.
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Do you have did you happen to uh remember us about them?
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I so I went swiping for a while one of the this past weekend, um, one of the nights I kind of sat and swiped for a very long time.
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And at a certain point, it stopped being about dating and it started just being kind of funny.
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Um so I don't it became podcast fodder?
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Yes.
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Yeah.
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Um that's kind of how my brain works now.
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If anything's funny in my life, I'm like, oh, I can share this on the pod.
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That's what happens when you have no friends.
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You have us, Lena.
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You have us.
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You always are the podcast.
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I can't share anything with you now because I want your reaction here.
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Got it.
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She can no longer share it in real time.
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She can only share it when people talk to me outside of the podcast.
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Lina, look away.
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Look away, look away.
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I've noticed our text chat has become incredibly boring since we started that.
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Actually, how are you?
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Yeah, we're actually asking, like, what have you been up to lately?
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Yeah, or like, I'll be like, oh, I'll have a really good story for you.
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I'm not gonna tell you right now.
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You have to wait for a week from Tuesday.
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Um, but, anyways, as I was swiping, I did actually screenshot some uh bios from people that I thought you guys might enjoy.
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And I thought it would be funny to kind of play a little game of uh, what are we calling it, Amy?
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Red light, green light.
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Red light, green light.
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Red light, green light.
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You know, because we all used to love that game as kids, right?
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Yeah, sure.
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Kids these days don't even know what it is, so it's okay.
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I mean, I can only assume red light when you go, red light, you stop.
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You go.
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What?
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You you figured it out that easy you never played it as a kid?
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I don't think I did.
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This is like one person standing on one end of the field.
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You played it, right, Lena?
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Yeah.
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Yeah, and it's green light, and everybody runs towards you.
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You're the one person up front, and when you say red light, everybody has to freeze, and if they're still moving, then they're out.
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Oh whoever makes it to you first wins.
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You ever watch
Load full transcript
Squid Games?
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Very similar to Squid Games.
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That's what Squid Games version is what I played growing up.
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Oh, okay.
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Yeah.
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Cool.
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Okay.
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Yeah, I'm ready.
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So you're gonna read us a profile.
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Yeah.
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And if we would date them, we'd say green light.
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Yeah.
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I wouldn't even go as far as date.
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If we'd give them a swipe one.
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Yeah, if you would give them a swipe right, which is good.
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This is based on the profile of the Yeah, I just played RFIP.
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Real is like, I don't know what right is, I don't know what left is.
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I hear it all the time swipe right or left.
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Right is good, left is bad.
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Okay.
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Yeah.
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So you're gonna, this is based solely on the profile, not the photos, not any of the other answers.
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Just the bio.
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The bio.
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And I'm gonna go start with something really, really simple.
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Okay.
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Okay, two words.
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What's new?
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That's it.
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That's his bio?
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The entire bio.
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Oh, that's a red light.
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Like, seriously, he that's how that's all he's described.
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He's supposed to describe himself.
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Yeah.
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Red light, for sure.
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Alright.
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Talk about putting no effort effort in whatsoever.
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Alright.
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Um this person says, an emo kid slowly embracing my crazy cat person.
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To be fair, it's hard not to be obsessed with my cats.
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Basically, a golden retriever trapped in a pit bull's body.
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Um I'm gonna say red light.
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I was gonna say, I knew Red Away got really a red light on this because one, she hates cats.
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And she's a cat hat.
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She is a cat hater.
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I fear cats.
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It's not that I hate cats, I fear cats.
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So there's a difference.
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I have a phobia of cats.
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I'm a little bit honestly concerned about his moving from cats into the dog metaphor.
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He's a golden retriever obsessed with cats, that's that's trapped in a pit bull body that unless he's talking about pit bull the singer, I don't want to date him.
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Well, he said trapped in a pit bull's body, but be pit bull's big pit bull's body.
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No, no, it's red light for me.
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Yeah, definitely red light.
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And I also don't want someone obsessed with their cat.
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No.
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I just if anyone tells me that their body is like a pit bull.
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Right.
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That's like what part of that is attractive?
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I don't know.
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What does that mean, too?
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Like is it all muscle or do they have lock jaws?
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I'm just gonna say I don't want any of that.
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They just have really broad shoulders.
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Yeah, exactly.
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Yeah, really and short little legs.
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I might have dated a couple pit bulls.
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Oh no.
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Red light, red light.
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Red light.
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Alright.
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Alright, the next one.
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I'm actually just three raccoons in a trench coat.
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I'm gonna say green light.
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Red light.
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Is this like a fear of raccoons?
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I don't like raccoons.
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I think it's a reference to like whose those silly comics or whatever, where it's not really a person.
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He's like, you know, stacked three animals stacked on top of each other dressed in a trench coat, pretending to be a person.
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I think it's kind of creative.
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I'd say green light.
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Yeah, no.
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I don't know what he's trying to say.
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Funny enough, he was the second person that used uh that month used like uh three animals or something in a trench coat type of analogy.
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Or they use in Chat GPT.
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I don't know.
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I don't know where people are getting this or like if it's a popular, I don't I don't know.
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A popular phrase.
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Yeah, but he was the second person.
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Hmm.
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Alright, this one says.
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And
by the way, I'm reading these.
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I don't even know what I'm reading, so some of these might not be good.
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Just I don't know that we could describe any of them that you've read as good.
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It might not be funny.
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I mean, if a dating app professional were to look at these, they'd go, no, none of these profile bios are good.
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So Alright.
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This person, their bio says, not looking for anything serious, but I can't promise I won't fall in love with you before then.
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Dot dot dot continues.
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Don't really have the time or energy to date right now, but maybe you'll be lucky and get me out of the house.
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What's your favorite restaurant in Portland?
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There's like two different things.
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There's like three different conversations in one.
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Yeah, like seriously.
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Like I I don't have time to I'm not really interested in dating, but I might fall in love with you.
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Yeah, I'm not looking for anything serious, but I can't promise I won't fall in love with you again.
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So he's gonna love bomb you.
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Yeah.
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But he's not looking for anything with you.
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But he's not looking for anything serious.
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But he doesn't have the time or energy to date right now.
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With no time.
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But maybe you'll be lucky and get him out of the house.
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He's gonna love bomb you via text, and then you're gonna go on one date, and then he's gonna ghost you, because he doesn't have time for you.
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So no, that's a definite red light.
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But he wants to know what your favorite restaurant in the country is.
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Well, he can yelp that.
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He does not need to ask me.
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I'll start telling people that.
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You should try this thing called Yelp.
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Yeah, yelp it.
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It's so funny.
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Okay, so that's a red light for sure.
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Definite.
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This one says, to all the beautiful women on this app.
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Oh, he's talking to me.
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And only you.
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Only me.
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Yeah.
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If you're still figuring if you're still figuring it out, let me help you make up your mind.
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Everyone else, I'm open for adventure and the fun along the way to something great.
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What?
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So let me tell you again.
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To all the beautiful women on this app, if you're still figuring it out, let me help you make up your mind.
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Okay.
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Everyone else, I'm open for adventure and the fun along the way to something great.
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So he doesn't want to date you if your bio says that you're still figuring out your relationship type.
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That's what I'm hearing there, because there's a lot of people put that, like, it's asked you what your relationship type is.
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And um a lot of people say, I'm still figuring that out.
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Well, if you don't know, then I don't want to date you, is what he's saying.
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But everybody else, he's adventurous.
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Oh, that's not how I read this at all.
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Really?
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How I read it is if you're hot, let me figure, like, let me help you.
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If you don't know what you're looking for, but you're hot, I'm willing to help you.
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If you're not hot, we'll just have some fun.
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Oh, see that, yeah.
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I took it as like, let me help you basically take me off your plate, swipe left, I don't want to date you.
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Um, I'm glad I'm not on the app.
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Yes, trust me, you're glad you're not on the apps.
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Because if two people who are currently dating cannot figure out or agree on what he meant by that, then it needs to be rewritten.
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That was horrible.
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Either way, it's red light.
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Either way that's written, it's a red light, right?
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It's bad.
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It's bad.
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I do agree that I don't like it when people say they're still figuring out their relationship type because, like, what do you mean?
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Are you monogamous?
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Are you polyamorous?
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Um, are you um whatever?
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All these are different.
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What do you mean you don't know?
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What do you mean you're still figuring it out?
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You're 50 years old.
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All right, throw another one at us.
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Alright.
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Um no job, no car, no money, no charm, no condoms, divorced, alcoholic, anti-vax, single.
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One of these is true.
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Yeah, I'm red light.
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I'm supposed to guess whether he's single or he's gonna use a condom?
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Yeah.
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Like, what?
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Or that he has a job or he doesn't want a job.
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Or a car?
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I'm out.
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That's too much guessing.
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Don't make me play games.
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That's a red light.
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That would be okay if it was true in this entire list is if he's single.
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Like, if anything else is true in this list, that means he's not single.
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Right.
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So Which isn't necessarily um I mean, like, there's a lot of not single people on these acts.
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That's very true.
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I mean, how many have you come across, or I've come across so many where like, oh, most of the profile looks like I would swipe right?
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And then I see the part where it says ENM, ENM, ethical non-monogany, or married but dating separately, or open relationship, or um polyamorous, or the most recent one, relationship anarchy, or all these things that means that they date multiple people at once.
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So he might not be single.
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That's true.
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He might just not have a car, or not use cotton.
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I mean, and that's dichotomy or be an anti-vaxxer or something.
00:12:44.559 --> 00:12:45.519
Too much work.
00:12:46.080 --> 00:12:46.720
Too much work.
00:12:46.799 --> 00:12:48.639
I it's yeah, I shouldn't have to.
00:12:48.799 --> 00:12:48.879
No.
00:12:49.120 --> 00:12:50.720
So then what's your first message gonna be?
00:12:50.879 --> 00:12:53.679
Go, uh, which one's true?
00:12:54.480 --> 00:12:55.919
No, I don't think I'm messaging.
00:12:56.240 --> 00:12:56.320
Yeah.
00:12:57.039 --> 00:12:58.879
Like, no, it's a red light.
00:12:59.120 --> 00:12:59.679
I'm not bad.
00:13:00.480 --> 00:13:00.960
Big fat red.
00:13:01.200 --> 00:13:02.639
Yeah, like that's just too much.
00:13:03.200 --> 00:13:04.480
Okay, next one.
00:13:05.519 --> 00:13:14.320
K-12 teacher, runner, sweetie pie, current student at post-bachelor in film and psychology at PSU.
00:13:14.559 --> 00:13:17.759
Social work program likely, military veteran.
00:13:18.000 --> 00:13:21.919
Me and my girlfriend are working on being better friends right now.
00:13:22.399 --> 00:13:23.759
DMs closed.
00:13:24.159 --> 00:13:25.440
What does that mean?
00:13:25.759 --> 00:13:26.559
Okay, okay.
00:13:26.960 --> 00:13:32.320
So that whole profile was that that first part was his profile, which actually sounded decent for someone your age.
00:13:32.399 -->
00:13:34.720
If someone my age was still in the school, I'd be like, no.
00:13:34.960 --> 00:13:40.080
But um why wouldn't he just pause his profile?
00:13:40.399 --> 00:13:41.519
DMs are closed.
00:13:41.600 --> 00:13:43.360
My girlfriend and I are working on things.
00:13:43.519 --> 00:13:52.960
Why, but it's me and my girlfriend are quote working on being, quote, friends right now.
00:13:53.200 --> 00:13:54.480
So they're trying to break up.
00:13:54.639 --> 00:13:56.080
So they're trying to just be friends.
00:13:56.399 --> 00:13:58.000
But it says DMs are closed.
00:13:58.240 --> 00:13:59.759
Yeah, it says DMs closed.
00:13:59.919 --> 00:14:01.840
What I don't know what that means.
00:14:03.120 --> 00:14:03.840
I don't either.
00:14:04.159 --> 00:14:04.720
Too much over.
00:14:05.120 --> 00:14:10.720
So if I can't, again, my answer is if I can't figure it out, I'm not spinning in your figure it out.
00:14:11.440 --> 00:14:13.200
Do you have a girlfriend or don't you?
00:14:13.440 --> 00:14:16.000
I if I can't figure it out, no.
00:14:17.200 --> 00:14:21.279
I should be able to assume you are not married, you do not have a girlfriend.
00:14:22.080 --> 00:14:22.399
No.
00:14:22.799 --> 00:14:24.000
Yeah, I agree.
00:14:25.360 --> 00:14:27.679
I just want you to know this is what you're missing out on.
00:14:27.919 --> 00:14:28.720
Oh, thank god.
00:14:28.960 --> 00:14:30.639
Thank god I'm missing out on that.
00:14:30.879 --> 00:14:34.559
No, but in the same sense, this is what we have to pick from.
00:14:35.279 --> 00:14:36.720
This is the sad part.
00:14:36.879 --> 00:14:44.960
I will say this is the worst of I only screenshotted the ones that but she's read us how many now?
00:14:45.120 --> 00:14:46.399
I know, they're all not very good.
00:14:46.639 --> 00:14:48.320
Yeah, there are quite a few.
00:14:48.559 --> 00:14:51.679
So next time we need to bring uh good ones.
00:14:53.200 --> 00:14:56.000
I don't come across a lot of good ones.
00:14:57.679 --> 00:15:01.759
Well, if you run across good ones and you run across the fact that you actually went on a date with them.
00:15:01.919 --> 00:15:04.559
Oh no, no, you no, no, no, that's not necessarily the case.
00:15:04.720 --> 00:15:06.240
Remember, because you you and I have discussed.
00:15:06.559 --> 00:15:15.279
What I'm saying is if you what I was going to say is like if you come run across good ones and you go on a date with them, then you run into the thing that you might have to talk about them on the podcast.
00:15:15.519 --> 00:15:16.240
Right, agreed, agreed.
00:15:16.639 --> 00:15:17.200
That's where I was going.
00:15:17.519 --> 00:15:17.840
That's true.
00:15:18.000 --> 00:15:18.320
That's true.
00:15:18.399 --> 00:15:26.240
Because I was gonna say, just because you try right doesn't mean you get a match, and then even if you do get a match, doesn't mean it's gonna lead to a date, doesn't even mean they're ever gonna respond to a message.
00:15:26.480 --> 00:15:26.799
True.
00:15:27.039 --> 00:15:27.679
That is true.
00:15:27.840 --> 00:15:28.159
True.
00:15:28.320 --> 00:15:32.000
I mean the percentage is so slim of people who actually respond.
00:15:32.159 --> 00:15:32.559
Yeah.
00:15:32.879 --> 00:15:34.320
That's ridiculous.
00:15:35.279 --> 00:15:37.679
Oh, I think this is my last one.
00:15:37.759 --> 00:15:38.159
Ready?
00:15:38.480 --> 00:15:38.960
Ready.
00:15:39.519 --> 00:15:41.919
All right, this is a list.
00:15:42.480 --> 00:15:42.799
Okay.
00:15:43.440 --> 00:15:44.720
Classification.
00:15:45.440 --> 00:15:47.600
Corporate meta ironic.
00:15:48.960 --> 00:15:58.799
Fashion, virtual people division, aesthetic, late nineties, tech bubble optimism.
00:15:59.600 --> 00:16:00.879
Oh, it continues.
00:16:01.200 --> 00:16:02.720
Ketamine chic.
00:16:05.120 --> 00:16:16.639
Function changes frequency, hardware, nostalgia laced, analog circuit circuitry status, you've got mail.
00:16:16.960 --> 00:16:18.960
Did anyone understand what any of that said?
00:16:19.279 --> 00:16:19.519
No.
00:16:19.759 --> 00:16:21.039
Not a single bit of it.
00:16:21.200 --> 00:16:27.600
I there was a little part of me that was like, okay, maybe I English is my third language, isn't it?
00:16:27.759 --> 00:16:28.399
I just don't understand.
00:16:30.080 --> 00:16:34.320
Maybe this is past my vocabulary skills.
00:16:34.720 --> 00:16:44.159
I feel like the person who writes that kind of bio is literally trying to screen out 99.9% of the population.
00:16:44.960 --> 00:16:48.480
And there is some woman out there who's gonna see that.
00:16:49.039 --> 00:16:53.360
Their brain's gonna be wired the same, and they're gonna be, that's my guy.
00:16:53.440 --> 00:16:55.840
They're gonna know exactly what he's talking about.
00:16:56.240 --> 00:16:56.639
I don't know.
00:16:56.720 --> 00:16:57.440
Am I wrong?
00:16:58.559 --> 00:17:00.240
Where do I find my weird person?
00:17:00.480 --> 00:17:00.720
I don't know.
00:17:00.799 --> 00:17:08.319
You gotta find a way to write it, just so that your person is there and says, Lena, you're my woman.
00:17:08.559 --> 00:17:09.039
I don't know.
00:17:09.200 --> 00:17:11.599
I don't really want anybody to say I'm their woman, so no.
00:17:11.920 --> 00:17:12.720
I don't want that.
00:17:12.880 --> 00:17:13.519
Yeah.
00:17:15.839 --> 00:17:17.599
So that's that's all of my bios.
00:17:17.680 --> 00:17:17.920
Thank you.
00:17:18.160 --> 00:17:18.799
That's definitely a right.
00:17:19.200 --> 00:17:20.640
In case we didn't say it, that's a red.
00:17:20.799 --> 00:17:21.519
That's a red light.
00:17:21.839 --> 00:17:23.119
Yes, red, red, red.
00:17:23.759 --> 00:17:33.039
So, um, as I said earlier, we need to bring in some good bios because there are good men out there and we will find them, but you have to get back on the apps in order to do that.
00:17:33.519 --> 00:17:36.160
So I'll I'll do it.
00:17:36.400 --> 00:17:37.920
I too will contribute to the research.
00:17:38.079 --> 00:17:39.200
Gabriela, you can't.
00:17:39.359 --> 00:17:39.599
No.
00:17:39.759 --> 00:17:41.200
But nor do I want to.
00:17:41.599 --> 00:17:42.240
Sorry guys.
00:17:42.400 --> 00:17:43.839
She's like, oh, I can't.
00:17:44.480 --> 00:17:45.119
Sorry.
00:17:45.359 --> 00:17:46.960
I'll let you swipe on mine.
00:17:47.680 --> 00:17:49.039
That actually is kind of fun.
00:17:49.200 --> 00:17:49.359
Yeah.
00:17:49.519 --> 00:17:51.279
Amy's let me do that a couple of times.
00:17:51.599 --> 00:17:52.960
Well, I actually sent her the link.
00:17:53.039 --> 00:17:57.200
You saw that Hinge has that new thing now where you can have your friends answer questions about you.
00:17:57.440 --> 00:17:57.920
What?
00:17:58.160 --> 00:17:58.799
Yes.
00:17:59.119 --> 00:18:05.759
And then then it you get to choose what goes on your bio, but your friends answer questions about you to put on your bio, your prompts.
00:18:06.000 --> 00:18:06.400
Oh god.
00:18:06.799 --> 00:18:08.559
So there's a link that you can send to them.
00:18:08.640 --> 00:18:11.279
I send it to her, but she hasn't done it, and the link expired.
00:18:11.440 --> 00:18:15.920
So yeah, I kind of got freaked out because it was like voice, camera, and I was like, what?
00:18:16.799 --> 00:18:19.519
I I was like, I think that's asking you, do you want to do a voice prompt?
00:18:19.680 --> 00:18:21.440
You know how Hinge has those voice prompts.
00:18:22.000 --> 00:18:22.559
I don't know that.
00:18:22.880 --> 00:18:26.160
Like I was like, they wanting me to talk, and I was like, I don't know what I'm doing.
00:18:26.319 --> 00:18:29.039
So then I like put it away and then I got distracted.
00:18:29.599 --> 00:18:32.960
But it would be interesting to see what people's friends have to say about them as opposed to.
00:18:34.160 --> 00:18:35.920
I hate those voice voice prompts.
00:18:36.160 --> 00:18:37.200
The voice prompts are terrible.
00:18:37.279 --> 00:18:49.920
So I mean I do listen to them because I it kind of helps me get an with their voice gives me a little bit of an more idea about them, like, but I get a lot of um there's a prompt that says like how to pronounce your name.
00:18:50.079 --> 00:18:50.720
Oh my gosh.
00:18:51.039 --> 00:18:56.880
And then men will have the most like basic name, like John, and then the recording will be John.
00:18:58.799 --> 00:18:59.119
John.
00:18:59.920 --> 00:19:00.240
Yeah.
00:19:00.720 --> 00:19:01.039
John.
00:19:01.920 --> 00:19:04.400
Like four or five times, just over and over again.
00:19:04.480 --> 00:19:05.839
And I'm like, bro, I got it.
00:19:05.920 --> 00:19:07.279
You're freaking John.
00:19:07.759 --> 00:19:09.200
And you're not original.
00:19:09.440 --> 00:19:11.440
That was not, that was not creative.
00:19:11.759 --> 00:19:13.279
Yeah, you're that's enough.
00:19:13.519 --> 00:19:16.160
Yeah, it's meant for the people who say like names are different.
00:19:16.319 --> 00:19:18.720
Like, you would probably want to say your name on there.
00:19:18.799 --> 00:19:21.440
You could because people mispronounce your name.
00:19:21.680 --> 00:19:22.960
So, Gabriella.
00:19:23.039 --> 00:19:24.319
I'm talking to Gabriella, not Lena.
00:19:24.480 --> 00:19:26.640
Lena's name's not really that hard to pronounce.
00:19:26.799 --> 00:19:28.960
I mean, people could mispronounce Amy.
00:19:30.079 --> 00:19:30.640
They could.
00:19:30.799 --> 00:19:31.119
They could.
00:19:31.359 --> 00:19:32.640
How would they mispronounce Amy?
00:19:32.880 --> 00:19:34.400
Uh when a guy called me Ommy.
00:19:34.559 --> 00:19:41.039
What the f I will add that English was his second language.
00:19:41.519 --> 00:19:43.359
Sorry, my bad, dude.
00:19:45.359 --> 00:19:46.799
I'm so sorry.
00:19:47.920 --> 00:19:51.039
It actually I I think of it fondly because I was like, oh, that was sweet.
00:19:51.200 --> 00:19:52.000
Omni.
00:19:52.559 --> 00:19:54.319
No one's ever called me Ommy before.
00:19:54.480 --> 00:19:56.319
No, don't feel bad at all.
00:19:57.359 --> 00:20:00.640
It's like the only dating story I have is like way back in the day.
00:20:00.799 --> 00:20:01.119
Yeah.
00:20:01.440 --> 00:20:02.480
It was a blind date.
00:20:02.559 --> 00:20:03.279
I'll share.
00:20:04.000 --> 00:20:12.079
Um I went on a blind date and we were supposed to go see a movie and then um meet up at this restaurant afterwards.
00:20:12.400 --> 00:20:17.200
And so but if we were before we were meeting up outside the movie theater to go, right?
00:20:17.599 --> 00:20:20.960
So I was waiting outside the movie theater.
00:20:21.200 --> 00:20:22.319
Mind you, I'm 18.
00:20:23.200 --> 00:20:23.519
Okay.
00:20:23.839 --> 00:20:28.880
And the guy was was allegedly allegedly 22, I think he was.
00:20:29.519 --> 00:20:31.039
And um he shows up.
00:20:31.440 --> 00:20:37.039
And I'd say he was probably about like five nine, five ten.
00:20:37.440 --> 00:20:43.920
So not a whole lot taller than me, but he was in his high school letterman's jacket at 22.
00:20:45.359 --> 00:20:45.680
Okay.
00:20:46.160 --> 00:20:48.000
He was proud of those high school days.
00:20:48.319 --> 00:20:49.519
Very proud of those high school days.
00:20:49.759 --> 00:20:50.720
What are we lettering?
00:20:52.319 --> 00:20:53.599
That would have been funny.
00:20:53.759 --> 00:20:55.039
That would have been hilarious.
00:20:55.200 --> 00:20:56.240
Uh, it was football.
00:20:56.480 --> 00:20:58.319
So uh it was he was a bigger guy.
00:20:58.480 --> 00:21:03.519
Like, I mean, not like he was like super muscular, but he wasn't like fat either.
00:21:03.599 --> 00:21:04.480
He was just a bigger guy.
00:21:04.960 --> 00:21:15.119
And um, so I don't even remember what movie we went to, but he kept he had this high-pitched giggle, this laugh that was like, what is happening right now?
00:21:15.200 --> 00:21:18.640
It was like, like really, really loud and obnoxious.
00:21:18.720 --> 00:21:21.599
And I was like, um like almost embarrassed.
00:21:21.920 --> 00:21:22.400
During the movie?
00:21:22.559 --> 00:21:24.400
During the movie, only on the funny spots, obviously.
00:21:24.640 --> 00:21:27.039
Yeah, but like I was almost like secondhand embarrassed.
00:21:27.200 --> 00:21:28.160
Like cartoonish, almost.
00:21:28.319 --> 00:21:28.480
Yeah.
00:21:28.720 --> 00:21:30.880
I was like, oh, what is happening right now?
00:21:31.039 --> 00:21:36.559
And um, I think he tried to put his arm around me, and it was like a movie theater, so it's not like you don't really have that.
00:21:36.640 --> 00:21:42.240
Like, I don't know, it was just he was doing that move like they do in the TV shows in the movies, where they yuck and they put their arm around me.
00:21:42.480 --> 00:21:43.440
And you're like, I'm like, what?
00:21:43.519 --> 00:21:44.079
What is happening?
00:21:44.240 --> 00:21:48.559
Like, no, like ew, you know, my face doesn't it shows hide your emotions.
00:21:48.880 --> 00:21:50.480
It doesn't hide my emotions at all.
00:21:50.720 --> 00:21:59.839
So afterwards, we were going to someplace, and he didn't really have a place that he wanted to go, so I ended up thinking we were ended up going, I want to say it was like subway.
00:22:00.559 --> 00:22:01.119
Afterwards.
00:22:01.440 --> 00:22:02.640
That's a great date squad.
00:22:02.799 --> 00:22:03.119
Right.
00:22:03.759 --> 00:22:05.200
What do you want on your football?
00:22:06.799 --> 00:22:07.680
Oh God.
00:22:08.480 --> 00:22:09.200
Sorry.
00:22:11.039 --> 00:22:16.240
So I'm ordering my food at the counter and he lets one rip.
00:22:16.319 --> 00:22:20.799
Oh like he passes gas and it like is so stinky.
00:22:21.519 --> 00:22:24.319
Like it was like the worst experience of my life.
00:22:24.400 --> 00:22:26.000
And I was like, oh my God.
00:22:26.240 --> 00:22:28.480
Like I could not wait until that day ends.
00:22:28.640 --> 00:22:32.319
But if you know me, if I have nothing to say, I have nothing to say.
00:22:32.480 --> 00:22:34.799
So like I was just eating, and he's like, You're not very talkative.
00:22:34.880 --> 00:22:35.839
And I'm like, nope.
00:22:36.319 --> 00:22:40.880
Like just like I don't know how much more I could be, like, not gonna happen.
00:22:40.960 --> 00:22:43.519
Like it's nothing's like, I don't even want to talk to you.
00:22:43.599 --> 00:22:44.960
Like, I have nothing more to say.
00:22:45.039 --> 00:22:46.000
Like, I'm done.
00:22:46.160 --> 00:22:50.000
And so he kept on trying and wanted to know where I was from here.
00:22:50.799 --> 00:22:52.079
How did you meet him again?
00:22:52.400 --> 00:22:54.240
It was a friend who set you up.
00:22:54.480 --> 00:22:54.640
Okay.
00:22:55.279 --> 00:22:57.279
And um, it was a coworker.
00:22:57.359 --> 00:23:02.880
I think it was like, oh, you gotta meet this guy, he's a really good football player in high school.
00:23:03.680 --> 00:23:04.640
Exactly, exactly.
00:23:04.799 --> 00:23:06.400
So I was like, Yeah, sure, why not?
00:23:06.480 --> 00:23:08.400
Like, I'm 18, so sure why not?
00:23:08.640 --> 00:23:11.519
But yeah, that was my um one and only blind date.
00:23:11.759 --> 00:23:15.200
So I was like, never again would I do that.
00:23:15.359 --> 00:23:16.160
Never again.
00:23:16.720 --> 00:23:20.960
I kind of feel like every date off of a dating app is a blind date.
00:23:21.440 --> 00:23:25.839
I mean, it's as blind as you can go, really, like it's a real surprise.
00:23:26.240 --> 00:23:34.000
But if we're talking like old school blind dates, no, I've never been on a blind date because I married my high school sweetheart, so no, I never went on a blind date.
00:23:34.160 --> 00:23:41.839
But I mean, like, honestly, even though you're learning peep about people on the dating app and you're texting with them, you really know nothing about them.
00:23:41.920 --> 00:23:42.880
You are going in blind.
00:23:43.119 --> 00:23:44.640
I mean, at least you know what they look like.
00:23:45.119 --> 00:23:45.759
Allegedly.
00:23:46.799 --> 00:23:48.960
I mean, somewhat, like I mean, right?
00:23:49.119 --> 00:23:49.680
Yeah, yeah.
00:23:50.000 --> 00:23:52.160
I mean, that's really all you can hope for.
00:23:53.119 --> 00:23:59.039
I remember, so one of my dates, uh, I what did we call him?
00:23:59.200 --> 00:24:00.400
I don't remember our nickname for him.
00:24:00.480 --> 00:24:02.000
I only went out with him the once.
00:24:02.559 --> 00:24:08.960
But we met up down at Lewitt Brewery for trivia night.
00:24:09.279 --> 00:24:09.599
Okay.
00:24:09.839 --> 00:24:11.039
It was a Sunday night.
00:24:11.200 --> 00:24:14.720
We get there at like I don't know, eight.
00:24:15.440 --> 00:24:17.279
That's when trivia was supposed to start.
00:24:17.599 --> 00:24:18.240
I get there.
00:24:19.119 --> 00:24:21.920
Trivia was almost over because he got the time wrong.
00:24:22.240 --> 00:24:23.200
So we're sitting at the bar.
00:24:23.359 --> 00:24:24.960
The bar was packed.
00:24:25.279 --> 00:24:28.480
I get there, he's wearing a backpack.
00:24:28.880 --> 00:24:34.319
He looks nothing, nothing like his profile photos must have been 15 years old.
00:24:34.640 --> 00:24:38.319
Because the profile picture, I mean, it was pretty handsome.
00:24:38.880 --> 00:24:41.279
This guy was not.
00:24:41.680 --> 00:24:42.319
He had aged.
00:24:42.559 --> 00:24:44.960
And he had aged quite a bit, was balding.
00:24:45.519 --> 00:24:47.039
Nice guy, don't get me wrong.
00:24:47.119 --> 00:25:01.920
But he spent the entire date talking about um the difference between DOS and um Microsoft operating systems and um Linux.
00:25:02.160 --> 00:25:02.240
Oh.
00:25:02.640 --> 00:25:05.440
Because he was a computer engineer of some sort.
00:25:06.480 --> 00:25:15.680
And I know I work in social services, I know nothing of those things, but you know, I can I can carry a conversation, and the rest of the conversation was about Star Wars.
00:25:16.400 --> 00:25:16.880
Are you in?
00:25:17.519 --> 00:25:18.799
I am not into Star Wars.
00:25:18.880
--> 00:25:26.160
I'm not anti-Star Wars, but I mean, he's talking about all the spin-offs and like just going into everything.
00:25:26.240 --> 00:25:32.240
And the bartender, God bless him, he had been listening to this whole conversation all night long.
00:25:32.400 --> 00:25:33.839
And he jumped into the conversation.
00:25:34.000 --> 00:25:35.359
He goes, Oh, I've seen that.
00:25:35.599 --> 00:25:41.759
And he starts talking about one of the spin-offs with the guy, but like, so awkward.
00:25:41.920 --> 00:25:45.680
So at the end of the day, he goes, Oh, yeah, I forgot I brought you something.
00:25:45.839 --> 00:25:47.759
And he whips out this chocolate bar.
00:25:47.839 --> 00:25:51.119
You know, one of those giant Tony's chocolate bars.
00:25:51.519 --> 00:25:54.880
Um, and I said, What's this?
00:25:55.039 --> 00:25:59.359
You know, and he's like, Oh, your profile mentioned you like chocolate.
00:26:02.799 --> 00:26:06.079
I'm like, I do, I do like chocolate.
00:26:06.240 --> 00:26:10.559
Uh, but what I remember about the guy was he was genuinely kind, just not for me.
00:26:10.720 --> 00:26:11.119
Right.
00:26:11.279 --> 00:26:19.279
And um, I messaged him the next day uh because he had wanted to go out again, and I said, you know, I just don't think we're a good match.
00:26:19.359 --> 00:26:24.400
And um, and he replied thanking me for not ghosting him.
00:26:24.480 --> 00:26:31.039
He said, You are the first person to actually tell me that you eat a reason why you don't want to go out with me again.
00:26:31.200 --> 00:26:34.079
He said, Every woman on this app has ghosted me.
00:26:34.720 --> 00:26:35.039
That's sad.
00:26:35.519 --> 00:26:38.559
And I just that was probably towards the beginning of when I started dating it.
00:26:38.640 --> 00:26:40.720
So I was like, I will not ghost anybody.
00:26:40.960 --> 00:26:44.400
I just that's just I there's absolutely no excuse for it.
00:26:44.480 --> 00:26:51.680
So I just it was just because he was so hurt by it, and and I felt bad, but not bad enough to go out again.
00:26:51.920 --> 00:26:59.680
But um, yeah, and so yeah, I would say that was probably the blindest of my dates because we didn't chat much.
00:26:59.759 --> 00:27:02.720
It was literally less than 24 hours from matching to date.
00:27:02.799 --> 00:27:06.400
Oh, okay, and the photo was so not accurate.
00:27:06.640 --> 00:27:06.799
Yeah.
00:27:07.119 --> 00:27:07.759
So funny.
00:27:07.920 --> 00:27:28.319
I don't think I've ever been on a date where I showed up and like the guy didn't look like his pictures, but when my best friend used to date, and I'm gonna share this without her permission because I don't care, she there was one time where she had matched with this guy and was talking to this guy from a dating app.
00:27:28.480 --> 00:27:30.960
She they ended up going planning a date.
00:27:31.119 --> 00:27:41.200
Um, she went to the location, and I think she spotted him like across the room or like across the restaurant or whatever.
00:27:41.519 --> 00:27:53.920
And it dawned on her that all of his photos on his um profile are side profiles, and she for the first time saw him from the front across the room.
00:27:54.160 --> 00:27:57.440
She turned around and went home and canceled the date.
00:27:58.079 --> 00:27:58.400
Wow.
00:27:58.640 --> 00:28:01.200
So she at least messaged him and said, Hey, I'm not gonna make it.
00:28:01.599 --> 00:28:03.839
She did message him and canceled the date.
00:28:04.160 --> 00:28:06.240
Oh, but she didn't tell him, Hey, I saw you.
00:28:06.480 --> 00:28:07.279
I saw you.
00:28:07.519 --> 00:28:08.559
Oh, that's painful.
00:28:08.799 --> 00:28:10.240
Yeah, not me.
00:28:10.480 --> 00:28:11.119
Was not me.
00:28:11.519 --> 00:28:14.240
She at least wants everybody to know that was not her.
00:28:14.559 --> 00:28:15.759
She didn't do it.
00:28:16.160 --> 00:28:18.559
Um, I mean, was it that bad?
00:28:18.640 --> 00:28:19.920
I mean, how different been.
00:28:20.319 --> 00:28:22.720
How different can a person look from the side to the front?
00:28:22.960 --> 00:28:23.279
I know.
00:28:23.359 --> 00:28:23.759
I don't know.
00:28:24.160 --> 00:28:24.880
Quite different.
00:28:25.039 --> 00:28:26.240
Oh, interesting.
00:28:26.400 --> 00:28:33.039
Because I've also seen a few, at least a few profiles where the side profile, I'm like, oh, okay, not too bad, not too bad.
00:28:33.119 --> 00:28:36.640
And then you see it from the front, and you're like, oh, never mind.
00:28:37.200 --> 00:28:37.440
Yeah.
00:28:37.680 --> 00:28:40.160
They could be the sweetest person, though.
00:28:40.720 --> 00:28:41.440
That's true.
00:28:41.599 --> 00:28:41.839
Yeah.
00:28:42.000 --> 00:28:43.599
And they'll be sweet to somebody else.
00:28:45.200 --> 00:28:53.200
I also feel, I also feel that, like, in my experience, a lot of men do not know how to take a selfie.
00:28:53.359 --> 00:29:02.000
And so, like, the side profile is probably a good one, but if like somebody else took it, and then they're front, like, they're doing their own selfie with their like full front face.
00:29:02.240 --> 00:29:07.839
They are terrible at some point, and then you see them in person and you're like, oh thank god, you're not like your picture.
00:29:08.480 --> 00:29:09.200
That's true.
00:29:09.359 --> 00:29:13.599
People usually look a little better than their pictures, men, especially, yeah.
00:29:14.160 --> 00:29:18.880
But you know what also gives me the ick is when they have too many selfies on their profile.
00:29:19.119 --> 00:29:20.400
It's all selfies, yeah.
00:29:20.880 --> 00:29:23.119
Especially when they're all mirror selfies.
00:29:23.279 --> 00:29:24.000
Yeah, what is that?
00:29:24.079 --> 00:29:25.759
Yeah, they're in the bathroom or they're at the gym.
00:29:26.079 --> 00:29:28.319
Yeah, just taking a picture of themselves in the mirror.
00:29:28.400 --> 00:29:28.640
Yeah.
00:29:28.880 --> 00:29:32.000
And I say that as somebody who never
takes selfies.
00:29:32.640 --> 00:29:42.240
And so it's just weird, I guess, in a way, when they're making the same pose in three different mirrors and posting that.
00:29:42.640 --> 00:29:45.920
So, Lena, are none of your uh your photos on your profile?
00:29:46.079 --> 00:29:46.799
None are selfies?
00:29:47.039 --> 00:29:47.839
None are selfies.
00:29:49.200 --> 00:29:49.839
Wow.
00:29:50.160 --> 00:29:52.000
I don't have any other photos of myself.
00:29:52.079 --> 00:29:53.359
Most of mine are selfies.
00:29:55.119 --> 00:29:56.240
That's why I struggle with.
00:29:56.640 --> 00:29:57.839
People don't take pictures of me.
00:29:58.000 --> 00:29:59.119
I have lots of pictures of him.
00:29:59.599 --> 00:30:00.559
She needs to start sharing pictures.
00:30:00.960 --> 00:30:01.599
But I thought I did.
00:30:01.759 --> 00:30:04.240
I have friends that well, you got you sent me from some from Vegas.
00:30:06.319 --> 00:30:10.240
So I just steal their pictures of me.
00:30:11.039 --> 00:30:13.920
I mean, I have a lot of pictures of like you and I together, but what am I gonna do?
00:30:14.000 --> 00:30:14.400
Crop you up.
00:30:14.480 --> 00:30:19.839
I'm not gonna be one of those people who posts a picture of like my profile picture is you and I, and then they gotta guess which one I am.
00:30:20.160 --> 00:30:23.839
You just put like a and then they then they scroll down and go, oh, wrong one.
00:30:23.920 --> 00:30:26.799
I wanted I wanted the Hispanic gal swipe left.
00:30:27.039 --> 00:30:30.160
No, that's how it's not showing your main one, though.
00:30:32.319 --> 00:30:36.880
Because a lot of guys will make like a really large group photo as their main picture.
00:30:37.279 --> 00:30:37.599
Constant.
00:30:37.920 --> 00:30:39.359
How am I supposed to know who you are?
00:30:39.519 --> 00:30:45.200
Well, and part of the problem with that is Hinge has that feature where it takes your most popular photo and it makes it your profile photo.
00:30:45.440 --> 00:30:47.920
Oh you can turn that feature on or off.
00:30:48.640 --> 00:30:48.960
Yeah.
00:30:49.920 --> 00:30:51.200
So expert over here.
00:30:51.440 --> 00:30:51.759
I know.
00:30:52.720 --> 00:30:53.279
I am.
00:30:53.519 --> 00:30:56.799
It hasn't helped me at all, but I am an expert.
00:30:57.759 --> 00:31:05.039
I'm I'm determined to um get back on there and have more stories for you guys for next time.
00:31:05.359 --> 00:31:07.680
She's determined to get back on there and have more stories.
00:31:07.759 --> 00:31:10.640
I'm determined to get back on there and find the love of my life.
00:31:10.720 --> 00:31:12.400
So I hope you both do.
00:31:12.559 --> 00:31:16.240
I hope you both find the love of your life and have some stories.
00:31:16.720 --> 00:31:18.240
We're bound to in the meantime.
00:31:18.640 --> 00:31:19.119
I think so.
00:31:19.279 --> 00:31:20.720
Yeah, for sure.
00:31:21.279 --> 00:31:23.440
Thank you for listening to our podcast.
00:31:23.599 --> 00:31:30.799
If you could please like and follow and rate us wherever you listen to Certifiably Awkward, we'd greatly appreciate it.
00:31:30.960 --> 00:31:32.400
Have a great night.
00:31:33.680 --> 00:31:34.240
Bye.
00:31:34.559 --> 00:31:35.119
Bye.