Пълният препис на A Mid-Year Relationship Reset for Epic Love – Emma Solo (Ep.39)

what beliefs we bring into the relationship. 00:05:17.925 --> 00:05:40.911 So we may look at things like expectations of our partner that are sexist, if you may, or very traditional there's nothing wrong with traditional, as long as it's not subservient right or disempowering of the other person and so what we want to do here is be on the lookout for those things. 00:05:40.911 --> 00:05:46.442 Anything that's disempowering for either partner doesn't serve right. 00:05:46.442 --> 00:05:47.728 So what are the expectations? 00:05:47.728 --> 00:05:59.855 What are the beliefs around marriage, commitments, different, the genders of the partners, money, power distribution, taking care of things. 00:05:59.855 --> 00:06:10.884 So what are the thoughts that the partners are bringing in that you, you might not fully drive with each other? 00:06:10.884 --> 00:06:27.781 They're not really expressed until you're playing out things that undercuts or undermines connection and each other's well-being and each other's empowerment, and so, unfortunately, that's how a lot of partners operate. 00:06:27.781 --> 00:06:29.906 That's what an average relationship looks like. 00:06:30.007 --> 00:06:44.812 All that stuff is unexamined and not addressed and not explicit, and they play a role in how the interactions play out and how things are set up in the home and in the relationship, and it doesn't really work. 00:06:44.812 --> 00:06:52.379 This is where the partners get stuck in impasses and in different ways of being in the relationship. 00:06:52.379 --> 00:07:05.600 That doesn't allow the individuals to grow, for the relationship to evolve and for their needs to be met, and there's a lot of fighting and not getting along, not progressing in life, all kinds of things, all kinds of ways that this plays out. 00:07:05.600 --> 00:07:12.752 Now, that's the average, ordinary way. 00:07:12.752 --> 00:07:15.355 This is the most common way that couples operate. 00:07:16.281 --> 00:07:22.627 Of course, there's a whole spectrum to everything, and everything that I said is not going to be 100% a couple right. 00:07:22.627 --> 00:07:28.891 So some of those things may apply, some of the things might not apply, but that flavor of that is what plays out. 00:07:28.891 --> 00:07:35.072 So what we want to do is up-level all of that. 00:07:35.072 --> 00:07:44.627 Change the mindset, one, and the ownership and accountability two, and the boundaries three, so that both of us are empowered. 00:07:44.627 --> 00:07:46.944 What does that mean? 00:07:46.944 --> 00:08:06.687 So, clearing up the expectations and having expectations that are realistic of a human being in the context of life, right, not having unrealistic expectations of how the person is supposed to be able to do things, how much they're supposed to do, how available they're supposed to be, all these kinds of things. 00:08:06.687 --> 00:08:23.053 So that's one, the expectations, and aligning with your beliefs around roles, around definitions of things commitment, marriage, like I was saying before, partnership spouses, long-term commitment, like what do these things mean to each of you? 00:08:23.053 --> 00:08:24.961 And so you take them to the next level. 00:08:25.062 --> 00:08:32.335 What is the highest perspective that you could take on all of those concepts? 00:08:32.335 --> 00:08:54.922 The definition of marriage, what's the highest level of how you could look at marriage, the purpose of marriage, how to be married, what marriage is supposed to do for a person and for a couple, right, sometimes we look at marriage as just the practical of life and how to just be in a long-term commitment. 00:08:54.922 --> 00:09:07.572 We miss the higher implication of marriage, the higher purpose for it, the higher union that is in the two people coming together and the purpose for it. 00:09:07.572 --> 00:09:20.851 So one of the things that we teach in our work is that that partnership is a vehicle for evolving ourselves as human. 00:09:20.851 --> 00:09:27.282 So talk about one of the highest perspectives that we could use marriage for the way to look at marriage. 00:09:28.183 --> 00:09:37.511 And so from that highest perspective, then everything that our partner does is for us, even if it doesn't feel so good, like, how do we take that? 00:09:37.511 --> 00:09:39.442 What's the gift in that for us? 00:09:39.442 --> 00:09:49.875 That's a much different way of looking at our partnership, our partner and our relationship in the gift that it is. 00:09:49.875 --> 00:09:53.349 So our partner is our life partner with a capital P. 00:09:53.349 --> 00:10:01.514 Our relationship is a playground for us to play and practice getting better at being human and playing on the game of life. 00:10:01.514 --> 00:10:09.205 Playing on the game of life, our marriage, the relationship, the commitment is all for us. 00:10:09.205 --> 00:10:17.922 In that container, in that arrangement, in that vehicle is the mechanism for us to get to have everything exposed. 00:10:17.922 --> 00:10:24.604 Play with process, addressed so that we see all the parts of ourselves, so that we integrate all the parts. 00:10:24.604 --> 00:10:27.500 All the things get triggers, all things get triggered, all the things get addressed, all the things get healed. 00:10:27.500 --> 00:10:31.751 You see, that's a much higher perspective and way of looking at our relationship. 00:10:33.280 --> 00:10:53.883 So that's one area in the relationship this is element one we call it, where we address the average way, the dirty way, and average doesn't necessarily mean bad, right, it could just be, it could be working fine for people, but the message that I'm offering is that it could be much better. 00:10:53.883 --> 00:10:59.705 So it might not be the worst and you might not be filing for divorce, but it's okay, right? 00:10:59.705 --> 00:11:11.394 And I'm offering that you could take it to the next level and really take things to epic love to next

level, love to like the much higher perspective and grander experience with your relationship and your life. 00:11:11.394 --> 00:11:27.816 That's what's on offer here today, and so with element one, we will go from average and ordinary to this higher perspective and way of looking at things and operating with that other lens, so that we go to the next level. 00:11:28.860 --> 00:11:52.211 Now some exercises that you could do here to help with this is explore some of the expectations and meanings that you have around concepts about relationship, so long-term commitment, marriage, spouse relationship, exclusivity, genders, roles, wife, husband, whatever, right? 00:11:52.211 --> 00:11:53.543 So all of the different roles. 00:11:53.543 --> 00:12:01.503 Just play with what they mean for you and see if there's anything funky in there, right, so, but be honest so you get something out of the exercise. 00:12:01.503 --> 00:12:12.153 Define it to the fullest, go to the bottom of the expectations and meaning and assumptions and beliefs that you have. 00:12:12.153 --> 00:12:44.928 You might unearth some things that you're carrying, some blueprints that you're carrying from how your parents' marriage played out or all the things that you see in life, and see how they need to be cleaned up and updated and upgraded so you fully own those beliefs and those expectations and then you could share them with your partner and you could flesh them out together, you could clean them up together, you could align on things and then operate from a higher level of looking at things. 00:12:44.928 --> 00:12:46.793 Okay, so that's element one. 00:12:46.793 --> 00:12:54.019 Element two has to do with communication and alignment. 00:12:55.427 --> 00:13:01.423 Now, notice that I'm sharing an ordinary, an average relationship. 00:13:01.423 --> 00:13:04.495 I'm not describing the worst. 00:13:04.495 --> 00:13:16.964 When people are like really in bad, bad shape and they're barely making it, obviously the things that I'm describing could be really bad, right. 00:13:16.964 --> 00:13:42.081 So the other way on the spectrum, so, for example, with the mindset one, you could add farther down the spectrum, on the negative side, if people are really really struggling, things like distrust, disloyalty, cheating, betrayal, like all kinds of things in there, like the way that people operate, accusing, hiding things, lying, operate, accusing, hiding things, lying, like all just this funky behavior, right? 00:13:42.081 --> 00:13:45.005 So there's a whole spectrum here. 00:13:45.005 --> 00:13:54.706 I'm going to go in the middle of the way and then have to upgrade things, assuming that your relationship is in pretty okay shape and you just want to take things to the next level. 00:13:54.706 --> 00:13:58.900 If you are on the other side of the spectrum, all these things still apply to you. 00:13:58.900 --> 00:14:03.657 Just know that that suffering is going to be a little more intense for you. 00:14:03.657 --> 00:14:04.860 It makes complete sense. 00:14:04.860 --> 00:14:13.955 There's no shame in any of this, and we just have to take the things that I'm offering to heart more in terms of do that little deeper work and you might need support. 00:14:13.955 --> 00:14:16.452 Right, you can't potentially just do this on your own. 00:14:16.452 --> 00:14:24.399 You might need to get individual sessions with us, private sessions or with anybody to help you do the work if you need it. 00:14:24.460 --> 00:14:36.553 If you're struggling when it comes to communication, the way that an average or ordinary relationship looks like in terms of communication is that the communication is fairly superficial. 00:14:36.553 --> 00:14:39.876 Is that the communication is fairly superficial? 00:14:39.876 --> 00:14:41.839 It's functional. 00:14:41.839 --> 00:14:49.086 It focuses on the practical of life, on the logistics, on getting things done. 00:14:49.086 --> 00:15:04.577 It might address some things People share things, stories of every day and just some things that are happening. 00:15:04.577 --> 00:15:17.813 You might find that that sometimes you have like miscommunications, that you don't fully align with things, that you misinterpret things, that you have bad communication habits. 00:15:17.813 --> 00:15:26.926 We have a blog post that lists all the I think we call them the dirty dust of communication. 00:15:26.926 --> 00:15:38.961 So it shows you all the different ways that we think that we're communicating properly but we're totally not, and also some of the skills and tools that you might need to upload your communication. 00:15:38.961 --> 00:15:40.716 So I'll link that for you. 00:15:40.716 --> 00:15:55.090 And it's just some bad communication habits, like walking away when somebody's talking, interrupting them, looking away, not giving eye contact, not showing that you're understanding what's being said, just all kinds of things. 00:15:55.190 --> 00:16:10.495 This is how most people communicate most of the time, not very ideal for getting on the same page and feeling heard and feeling understood and really bonding and getting to know each other, which is what an extraordinary relationship would have. 00:16:10.495 --> 00:16:16.394 We take those things for granted, that those things should be given. 00:16:16.394 --> 00:16:23.030 We communicate at a much superficial, bland, practical, everyday kind of level. 00:16:23.030 --> 00:16:37.309 Now I'm not saying that you should go to, or what I'm offering is that we should go to this depth of processing and communication and being intimate emotionally in every conversation. 00:16:37.309 --> 00:17:03.844 Right, that's not practical for everyday life, but a lot of couples never go there or hardly ever go there and so they are missing that depth to knowing and understanding each other and to feeling more connected and more on the same page and understood and gotten and cherished and just being bonded right.

00:17:03.844 --> 00:17:15.882 The whole thing is out the window when we barely touch base or barely connect on things, and again, that's pretty much what an average couple does. 00:17:16.470 --> 00:17:28.237 If you're struggling, then you have the escalated fights, the bigger fights, the really crazy communication with really damaging language and damaging way of speaking. 00:17:28.237 --> 00:17:29.798 I mean, then it goes the other way, right? 00:17:29.798 --> 00:17:41.723 So what we want to do here is clean this up, put better habits in place, more tools in place, more intentionality in place. 00:17:41.723 --> 00:17:47.647 So the ordinary version of this I described it as kind of bland. 00:17:47.647 --> 00:18:10.857 In a nutshell, the extraordinary version of it the partners are very intentional about going deeper into topics, being curious, making sure that they really understand their partner, being attuned, using all the communication tools and skills so that they're really in sync and on the same page about whatever they are addressing. 00:18:10.857 --> 00:18:23.421 Even the basic communication goes smooth, and I'm not suggesting perfection, because nobody's perfect and we're all human and we all have moments in life where things are a little wonky right. 00:18:23.421 --> 00:18:26.509 Those are far and few between, they're not the norm. 00:18:26.509 --> 00:18:31.369 So you line up on the communication, these partners. 00:18:31.369 --> 00:18:37.567 They feel that the partner really gets them, that they synchronize much easier. 00:18:37.567 --> 00:18:59.342 If there is a little bump on the road, they're much quicker to repair, they know how to repair, they know how to apologize, they have meaningful apologies, they have mechanisms for more easily making decisions, for collaborating in terms of making choices and solving problems and repairing this moment of disconnect or friction. 00:18:59.342 --> 00:19:10.281 So all these things, regular basic communication, just goes to the next level, where the partners are really in sync and really smooth on the same page. 00:19:10.281 --> 00:19:43.243 So for this one, the takeaway is to check out those resources for communication tools and skills so that you could start cleaning yourself up and putting in place better tools and better skills and better know-how so that you can more easily get on the same page and have smoother interactions that just take things to a deeper level when needed and that prevent friction and problems and miscommunication and issues in the everyday. 00:19:44.510 --> 00:19:45.635 Okay, so that was element two. 00:19:45.635 --> 00:19:51.255 All that information flows from our area of relationship that we call element two. 00:19:51.255 --> 00:19:56.902 The third one is clarity and dynamics. 00:19:56.902 --> 00:20:01.798 This one has to do with how we repeat patterns. 00:20:01.798 --> 00:20:07.696 What happens a lot is that we might get triggered in our relationship. 00:20:07.696

--> 00:20:24.357 We have our flavor of sensitivities, our partner has theirs, everybody has theirs, and when we're in relationship with our partner, the way that they tend to show up is practically for us right. 00:20:24.357 --> 00:20:36.734 When we are sensitive, when we're not resourced in general but a lot of times we can manage things better and then when we do our work, we are less and less and less sensitive and hypersensitive to these things. 00:20:36.734 --> 00:20:54.795 But in these moments when we might get triggered, what happens is that we respond in a way that our partner gets triggered back and then they respond to that trigger in a way that triggers us back and we get stuck in this loop. 00:20:54.795 --> 00:20:58.692 And that's our dynamics and that's how these are the patterns. 00:20:59.394 --> 00:21:10.963 Now, patterns have to do with that the triggers, how things play out and we keep looping, but also things that repeat, like the same issues that we keep having or the same circumstances that keep coming up. 00:21:10.963 --> 00:21:14.079 So it shows up in other, different ways the patterns. 00:21:14.079 --> 00:21:29.690 But when I'm talking about patterns and dynamics, I'm referring to this thing there's something that gets triggered and a partner gets triggered back and we just keep triggering each other, or we might address it, but very superficially, so nothing gets healed and fully repaired. 00:21:29.690 --> 00:21:37.661 So we continue to walk around with the same wound and the same sensitivities and the same triggers and we don't make any progress. 00:21:37.661 --> 00:21:52.740 And so this is where the beauty of a relationship is, where the big mechanism, the gift that's our partner, is perfectly tailored to trigger our stuff so that we have the opportunity to address them and heal them right and grow from them. 00:21:52.740 --> 00:22:00.276 So, with this, what we want to do actually before I give you what we want to do is I want to describe the average first. 00:22:00.276 --> 00:22:04.130 Do actually, before I give you what we want to do, is I want to describe the average first. 00:22:04.130 --> 00:22:10.294 So the average couple, the ordinary couple. 00:22:10.314 --> 00:22:23.511 The way that this will play out is that they might get into a tiff or they might get hurt and again they address it superficially or not fully, and then they might not feel fully resolved at the end of the conversation. 00:22:23.511 --> 00:22:41.204 They might not even bring up that they're triggered or upset about something or that they don't like something, or they might bring it up in a feisty way and then a fight happens and they might stop the fight moment, so it doesn't get too bad, but they don't fully resolve it. 00:22:41.204 --> 00:22:42.936 They don't fully address what's underneath. 00:22:42.936 --> 00:22:57.705 So they might bypass the moment, either by not saying anything or by barely addressing it, where one person might apologize or acknowledge it quick, whatever, and then move on. 00:22:57.705 --> 00:23:08.126 But they don't go to the depth of like, okay, what got triggered, what is happening, what's coming up, how is this a pattern, what is the depth of this and what's needed instead. 00:23:08.126 --> 00:23:11.179 Right, so that's now we start moving into the higher level. 00:23:11.179 --> 00:23:14.038 So they do the more superficial version of this. 00:23:14.038 --> 00:23:27.200 So, again, either they don't address it or they barely address it and it's not sufficient to make any kind of changes or evolution in a relationship where they're struggling. 00:23:27.641 --> 00:23:34.818 The triggers are explosive, much bigger, much more frequent, much more intense. 00:23:34.818 --> 00:23:36.423 It's much harder to repair. 00:23:36.423 --> 00:23:39.433 They barely there's barely repair acknowledgement. 00:23:39.433 --> 00:23:46.381 People have give the cold shoulder, the cold treatment, or they break up, they get back together. 00:23:46.381 --> 00:23:47.242 It's all this drama. 00:23:47.242 --> 00:23:51.375 So like, really like nuttiness is happening, like more chaos and drama. 00:23:51.375 --> 00:23:58.010 And they're messy, they're hurt a lot of the times. 00:23:58.010 --> 00:24:03.265 They're dissatisfied a lot of the times they're struggling a lot of the times they're dissatisfied a lot of the times you're struggling a lot of the times and there's a lot of up and down. 00:24:03.265 --> 00:24:04.648 They're great, they're not okay. 00:24:04.648 --> 00:24:10.630 They're great, they suck, like this kind of feeling, and they they have a big question mark on their relationship. 00:24:10.630 --> 00:24:14.371 They don't know if this is what they want, they don't know if they want to stay in it and they just struggle. 00:24:14.371 --> 00:24:17.336 So that's what the other side looks like now. 00:24:17.415 --> 00:24:28.538 On the every day we might have, like I said, this kind of like okay, barely addressing things or getting over things or not addressing things, and we forget about them. 00:24:28.538 --> 00:24:41.196 We'll put them to the side, like you know that kind of stuff, and then until the next fight, or until the next argument, until the next trigger and with this agreement, it's not really a big fight because we manage ourselves right, so it's like an average relationship. 00:24:41.196 --> 00:24:41.410 We're ordinary. 00:24:41.410 --> 00:24:42.512 It's not really a big fight because we manage ourselves right, so it's like an average relationship. 00:24:42.512 --> 00:24:44.935 We're ordinary, it's not terrible, but we're making do. 00:24:46.890 --> 00:24:52.490 Now, the extraordinary version of this is you go much deeper, right? 00:24:52.490 --> 00:24:54.196 So this is where a lot of clients get to. 00:24:54.196 --> 00:24:59.740 They start doing this deeper work, where the conversations they go to. 00:24:59.740 --> 00:25:29.099 That meaning those emotional patterns, those

mental patterns, those mindsets, those perspectives, the emotional feelings, the wounds that keep repeating what is the wound, the core wound that they're carrying, that keeps getting poked by the most innocuous of things, and so they, they tune in, they figure okay. 00:25:29.099 --> 00:25:30.461 So how is this about me? 00:25:30.461 --> 00:25:31.324 What's happening for me? 00:25:31.324 --> 00:25:32.431 How do I address it? 00:25:32.431 --> 00:25:34.115 What I need to give to myself? 00:25:34.115 --> 00:25:35.057 How do I reframe this? 00:25:35.057 --> 00:25:36.000 How do I soothe this? 00:25:36.000 --> 00:25:36.842 What do I do with this? 00:25:36.842 --> 00:25:53.381 Whatever it is and depending on what's coming up then, how much of that, how do I package it and how much of that do I share with my partner so that they are in the know and they could make amends, they could help, they could help repair, heal. 00:25:54.863 --> 00:25:56.373 When we do that for each other, in that stretch, we're growing. 00:25:56.373 --> 00:25:56.994 We are evolving in the healing. 00:25:56.994 --> 00:25:57.416 We're both evolving. 00:25:57.416 --> 00:25:58.540 We're both becoming more whole, we're more integrated. 00:25:58.540 --> 00:25:59.664 We're growing, we are evolving in the healing. 00:25:59.664 --> 00:26:00.268 We're both evolving. 00:26:00.268 --> 00:26:02.773 We're both becoming more whole, we're more integrated. 00:26:02.773 --> 00:26:04.357 We address projections. 00:26:04.357 --> 00:26:09.280 We see what, what, what things we we are assigning to our partner. 00:26:09.280 --> 00:26:10.285 Meanwhile they are ours. 00:26:10.285 --> 00:26:13.135 Those are shadows and projections, things that we don't own like. 00:26:13.396 --> 00:26:22.250 There's so much deeper work here, so that that extraordinary relationship is taking a moment to process at a slightly deeper level, right. 00:26:22.250 --> 00:26:24.837 So I just gave a lot of clinical language there. 00:26:24.837 --> 00:26:35.433 If you're more of a lay person and you're not getting private support with therapy or coaching, then you might not have some of that language, but it's fine, right? 00:26:35.433 --> 00:26:41.944 The point is to pause and take a moment to access the deeper stuff. 00:26:41.944 --> 00:26:46.138 What is coming up, what can I connect that to? 00:26:46.138 --> 00:26:55.903 What is the need around that thing and how do I consciously get that need met, and intentionally, as opposed to haphazardly, by default and by doing funky business? 00:26:55.903 --> 00:27:01.184 So that's what the extraordinary relationship relationship does. 00:27:01.184 --> 00:27:11.162 They take things a little deeper, they analyze at that deeper level, they do their side for themselves with it, they bring into the relationship and do the relational part with it, with their partner. 00:27:12.647 --> 00:27:14.634 Every conversation doesn't have to be a therapy session. 00:27:14.634 --> 00:27:17.490 Every conversation doesn't have to go to all the depths. 00:27:17.490 --> 00:27:20.800 Every single issue doesn't have to be this much work, right? 00:27:20.800 --> 00:27:30.413 We use a judgment when things could be let go, when things need to be addressed only within ourselves, when things need to be brought to our partner to what level? 00:27:30.413 --> 00:27:30.535 Right. 00:27:30.535 --> 00:27:38.761 So you use your judgment in terms of how much you invest into each thing, the timing of it, the depth of it, intensity of it, whatever depends on what's happening, how important the thing is about. 00:27:38.761 --> 00:27:42.792 The depth of it, intensity of it, whatever depends on what's happening, how important the thing is. 00:27:42.792 --> 00:27:47.698 So you create what you want and you put as much effort, as little effort as makes sense for you and your relationship. 00:27:47.698 --> 00:27:50.621 But that's what the extraordinary couple would do. 00:27:50.621 --> 00:28:01.038 They would invest in the depths, in the richness of this, so they're more intimate with their partner partner. 00:28:01.038 --> 00:28:06.759 They know each other at the deeper level, at the more soul level, at the more essence right. 00:28:06.759 --> 00:28:15.809 They are a unit, a true partnership in healing, growing and evolving and becoming their best human self and having the best human experience. 00:28:15.950 --> 00:28:34.997 That's the whole point of this, okay, so so as an exercise for this, as a takeaway, something that you can start doing to take this area, this element, to the next level, is to start paying attention to what are the themes, the things that come up, what's the repeating fight that you have? 00:28:34.997 --> 00:28:47.538 What are the specific things that you're hypersensitive to or that you're finicky about or that you have sensitivities about, what are the things that really annoy you about your partner? 00:28:47.538 --> 00:28:51.902 Just find the patterns and grab as many of these patterns as possible. 00:28:51.902 --> 00:29:07.036 Make a list, grab all the things and do this kind of exploration, brain dump thing and track it and log it and observe, right, and then see is there a pattern to the patterns? 00:29:07.036 --> 00:29:09.000 Can you see like what? 00:29:09.000 --> 00:29:10.663 What do you see right? 00:29:10.663 --> 00:29:10.843 What? 00:29:10.843 --> 00:29:12.251 What things jump at you? 00:29:12.251 --> 00:29:19.311 What can you identify as like oh, if I had to pick one thing, this thing is like oh, this is the thing that gets me right. 00:29:19.311 --> 00:29:20.714 So that's one thing that you could do. 00:29:20.714 --> 00:29:38.738 See if you could grab a pattern that kind of grabs all the other patterns too, if you may, or a pattern that's like you might find that you have a few, but this particular one is like oof, if I address this one, I'm going to be pretty, pretty, pretty good shape If I remove this thing. 00:29:38.738 -->

00:29:41.241 Like most of the things will fall off right. 00:29:41.241 --> 00:29:46.684 Like most of the other things are like eh, whatever, they're not that big of a deal. 00:29:46.684 --> 00:29:47.490 That kind of concept, right? 00:29:47.490 --> 00:29:53.135 So just use your judgment in terms of how do you process what you captured and what you want to focus on. 00:29:53.135 --> 00:29:58.753 Then you're going to play with that pattern, you're going to observe how does it show up where? 00:29:58.994 --> 00:30:00.656 What discussions do you need to have with your partner? 00:30:00.656 --> 00:30:02.500 What journaling do you need to do? 00:30:02.500 --> 00:30:04.703 Do you need to discuss it with your therapist? 00:30:04.703 --> 00:30:11.992 Do you need to bring into couples therapy? 00:30:11.992 --> 00:30:12.935 Do you need to read on it? 00:30:12.935 --> 00:30:13.880 Do you need to learn a skill on it? 00:30:13.880 --> 00:30:15.505 Do you need to do psychosomatic work on it? 00:30:15.505 --> 00:30:16.729 Do you need to do some tapping on it? 00:30:16.729 --> 00:30:19.836 Do you need to use other tools to regulate and heal and release things? 00:30:19.836 --> 00:30:24.810 So there might be a bunch of different modalities that you could apply and you don't have to apply all. 00:30:24.810 --> 00:30:43.121 But there's different things that you could do to release, to reprogram, to heal, to let go, to regulate, to repattern, to rewire or to reconstruct within yourself, to rebuild you, literally right From your brain to your nervous system, to all the things. 00:30:43.121 --> 00:30:47.401 The patterns are not just behaviors, not just thoughts and not just feelings. 00:30:47.401 --> 00:30:54.523 They are literally also how your body is constructed, where that stuff sits in your body, the energy. 00:30:54.523 --> 00:30:57.298 So we're working at a lot of different levels here. 00:30:57.298 --> 00:31:04.163 So you choose what's calling to you, what's resonating, at what level you need to work, at what level you want to address this, and then you go. 00:31:04.163 --> 00:31:05.913 Have fun, you play with it, okay. 00:31:05.913 --> 00:31:08.619 So that's a takeaway for that one, okay. 00:31:09.221 --> 00:31:12.595 The next one is element connection and intimacy. 00:31:12.595 --> 00:31:15.801 So this is the funner one of all the other ones. 00:31:15.801 --> 00:31:25.513 The other ones I feel like work and this one is more whatever fun is now at the ordinary or average level. 00:31:25.513 --> 00:31:33.805 What this looks like is that partners don't spend that much time together or they spend a lot of time together but they're not really connecting. 00:31:33.805 --> 00:31:35.310 They're just in the same space. 00:31:35.310 --> 00:31:37.377 That's one. 00:31:37.377 --> 00:31:40.366 Two there's little affection. 00:31:40.366 --> 00:31:49.617 Three there's little physical intimacy like actual physical interactions, consummations, having sexy time. 00:31:49.617 --> 00:31:56.260 The next one is they don't have much fun together. 00:31:56.260 --> 00:31:58.816 Flirting got lost. 00:31:58.816 --> 00:32:02.916 Conversations are superficial, interactions are superficial. 00:32:02.916 --> 00:32:19.519 They might be out of the loop on things in knowing about their partner and being emotionally intimate and in the know and in sync with how the partner's feeling, how the partner's looking at things, what the partner is experiencing, the partner's looking at things, what the partner is experiencing. 00:32:19.519 --> 00:32:21.284 So there's a disconnect. 00:32:21.284 --> 00:32:24.472 So they're just a lot of different things that just they're just there. 00:32:24.472 --> 00:32:26.778 So they might have basic time together. 00:32:26.778 --> 00:32:28.082 They might have some fun together. 00:32:28.082 --> 00:32:28.281 They. 00:32:28.281 --> 00:32:34.417 They have okay sex in okay enough frequency, like everything's just okay. 00:32:35.799 --> 00:32:43.134 Now people who are struggling, they go the other way and they are feeling totally alone, totally disconnected. 00:32:43.134 --> 00:32:44.277 They barely have any sex. 00:32:44.277 --> 00:32:46.300 They. 00:32:46.300 --> 00:32:54.553 They can't have fun together whenever they try to have time together, there's fighting, arguing, things might really escalate. 00:32:54.553 --> 00:33:00.238 They don't know how to have fun, they don't have adventures, they don't have common experiences, they don't create memories right. 00:33:00.238 --> 00:33:07.304 There's no celebrations, no rituals, no gifts, no, just there's just no good stuff. 00:33:07.304 --> 00:33:22.519 I don't know how else to describe it, just like it's kind of bland, so that's when the relationship is struggling, then the more normal when I just described the very, very bland, the extraordinary relationship in turn. 00:33:22.519 --> 00:33:33.036 Now, the adventures are there, the memories are there, the rituals are there, the celebrations are there, the daily connection is there, the affection is there, the sex, intimacy is there. 00:33:33.036 --> 00:33:34.675 Sex to the next level is there. 00:33:34.675 --> 00:33:41.855 The passion, the interest, the fun, the flirting, the playfulness, all these things are there. 00:33:41.855 --> 00:33:47.422 That's what the extraordinary relationship feels and looks like. 00:33:48.509 --> 00:34:27.655 So the takeaway with this one is to explore with each other how is our intimacy, how is our fun, our rhythms, our rituals, our practices, our celebrations, and just kind of have, have a chat, do a state of the union kind of conversation about how is this area feeling and brainstorm how can we make it better, what would be fun, what would be exciting, what would be sexy, what would be more, what would be exciting, what would be sexy, what would be more romantical, what are some of the things that you guys would expect to have in connection, and how do you take them to the next

level? 00:34:27.655 --> 00:34:41.764 Now I focus more on the fun side of that, but a lot of times when people are in the ordinary version of the relationship, the emotional connection is was missing, not so much the fun comes after, right. 00:34:41.764 --> 00:34:47.425 So if you're not feeling emotionally connected, you can't go have fun or be physically intimate and have the best sex. 00:34:47.425 --> 00:34:52.257 So then we started there, right? 00:34:52.257 --> 00:34:53.699 So how can we have more intimate conversations? 00:34:53.699 --> 00:34:55.724 How can we have more intimate conversations? 00:34:55.724 --> 00:34:57.967 How can we have more connection habits? 00:34:57.967 --> 00:35:03.318 How can we build in things that would enrich our time together? 00:35:03.318 --> 00:35:05.498 How do we protect our time together? 00:35:05.498 --> 00:35:07.217 How do we set up time together? 00:35:07.217 --> 00:35:10.597 How do we schedule sexy time? 00:35:10.597 --> 00:35:11.581 Don't shoot the messenger. 00:35:11.581 --> 00:35:19.561 Schedule the one time a week so you have at least some, and then the rest could be all spontaneous, right so? 00:35:19.561 --> 00:35:22.597 But at least you have the one if you don't have, if you're not having any. 00:35:22.597 --> 00:35:29.114 So when the idea of scheduling sexy time, people cringe at that. 00:35:29.114 --> 00:35:36.880 But that's just so that people who don't have any have at least some, and then it doesn't mean that that's the only kind that you have and the only one that you have. 00:35:36.880 --> 00:35:39.023 Okay, it's just a little clarification there. 00:35:39.023 --> 00:35:44.730 So you do that and you have appreciation session. 00:35:44.829 --> 00:35:51.643 There's so many different ways to enrich the relationship and to add more emotional connection and more intimacy. 00:35:51.643 --> 00:35:54.338 So explore these. 00:35:54.338 --> 00:35:59.373 You might want to do it first like a little exploration for yourself, like, hmm, how am I feeling about things? 00:35:59.373 --> 00:36:01.219 What are the areas that are bugging me? 00:36:01.219 --> 00:36:02.851 What would I want a little bit more? 00:36:02.851 --> 00:36:04.434 What am I longing for? 00:36:04.434 --> 00:36:05.597 What would I love? 00:36:05.597 --> 00:36:08.291 How do I want to really enjoy and feel my partner? 00:36:08.291 --> 00:36:13.902 Then get a handle on that idea and then invite your partner into a conversation. 00:36:13.902 --> 00:36:20.757 The reason why I suggested that is because sometimes we might go in like, ah, what are all these things right? 00:36:20.757 --> 00:36:26.278 And our partner feels attacked or not good enough or that they're lacking, and then it's not a very pretty productive conversation. 00:36:26.278 --> 00:36:27.594 It kind of makes things worse. 00:36:27.594 --> 00:36:35.309 And so go in, gentle, right, curious, inviting and sharing, sharing the longing. 00:36:35.309 --> 00:36:42.056 No criticism, no shaming, no blaming, none of the funky business and just an invitation for more. 00:36:42.056 --> 00:36:46.778 So that's the fun there. 00:36:46.778 --> 00:36:47.641 So play with that. 00:36:47.641 --> 00:36:51.432 How do we take things to the next level Now. 00:36:51.452 --> 00:37:12.443 So that was element four, and now we're going to go into element five, which is collaboration and partnership, and in this one, what the ordinary average relationship looks like is that the partners manage the business of life the best that they can. 00:37:12.443 --> 00:37:14.789 They grind day in and day out. 00:37:14.789 --> 00:37:17.597 They have some responsibilities that they kind of know. 00:37:17.597 --> 00:37:23.039 I do these things, he or she does these things and you wing things as you go. 00:37:23.039 --> 00:37:39.855 You might have some systems, you might have some ideas of division of labor who does what kind of thing and you might have some goals as to like, okay, when and how your vacation, or what kind of things you want to achieve in life, and kind of what. 00:37:39.855 --> 00:37:57.762 You're shooting for some idea where your finances are, how things are going, what, maybe some financial goals, and where you want to go, plans for the future, when you want to buy your home or the next home, or projects that you might want to do. 00:37:57.762 --> 00:37:59.396 So you might have some idea about these things. 00:37:59.396 --> 00:38:02.195 A lot of times people don't. 00:38:02.195 --> 00:38:04.338 So that's the average relationship. 00:38:06.030 --> 00:38:08.900 If you're struggling, all of these things are a question mark. 00:38:08.900 --> 00:38:11.757 You don't know the answer to any of these things. 00:38:11.757 --> 00:38:15.119 Some of these things are secrets or hidden stuff. 00:38:15.119 --> 00:38:16.795 There's betrayal here. 00:38:16.795 --> 00:38:22.960 One partner takes care of a lot of things, the other one doesn't do anything, so it's a lot of codependence and lopsided things. 00:38:22.960 --> 00:38:33.652 Here's where you see how addictions affect the relationship, how much you could count on your partner, how much they're able to do and handle the codependent partners. 00:38:33.652 --> 00:38:38.338 They're scared of a lot of things and they over-function. 00:38:39.190 --> 00:38:41.436 And this is where you see all the funkiness of life play out. 00:38:41.436 --> 00:38:48.980 The home is in disarray, there is a lot of debt, there's a lot of illnesses, things don't work. 00:38:48.980 --> 00:38:50.295 There's a lot of messes. 00:38:50.295 --> 00:38:53.398 The partnership doesn't work well. 00:38:53.398 --> 00:39:02.835 There is a grind Not grinding the way that we use it in business Like oh well, grinding and I didn't make it, you know, working hard. 00:39:02.835 --> 00:39:09.721 Like a grind, like difficulty, like things, like the gears don't turn properly, it's not smooth, right, it's challenging. 00:39:09.721 --> 00:39:14.105 That's

when the relationship is struggling, like everything's messy and chaotic. 00:39:14.105 --> 00:39:16.802 The regular relationship or the average relationship. 00:39:16.802 --> 00:39:30.177 The average relationship, the ordinary relationship most things work okay, right, there's not no big problems, things are in order, things are progressing, life is good, things are working fine, perfect. 00:39:31.260 --> 00:39:37.958 In the extraordinary relationship, the partners have visions, they have purpose, they have big goals. 00:39:37.958 --> 00:39:42.271 They have purpose, they have big goals, they have things that they're working towards. 00:39:42.271 --> 00:39:45.199 There's direction, there's a way that they do life. 00:39:45.199 --> 00:39:58.431 There's a specific division of labor, so they know what everybody's supposed to do, what everybody has agreed to do, what's the pieces of the relationship and the admin of life that they carry. 00:39:58.431 --> 00:40:01.077 There is a smooth collaboration. 00:40:01.077 --> 00:40:03.101 There's partnership right. 00:40:03.101 --> 00:40:13.590 They work to their strengths, they use their skills, they use their internal and external resources to make the relationship and the joint life work better. 00:40:13.590 --> 00:40:15.431 There is a joint vision. 00:40:15.431 --> 00:40:16.972 There are shared goals. 00:40:16.972 --> 00:40:18.094 Life worked better. 00:40:18.094 --> 00:40:18.733 There is a joint vision. 00:40:18.733 --> 00:40:19.255 There are shared goals. 00:40:19.255 --> 00:40:19.954 There's amazing parenting. 00:40:19.954 --> 00:40:21.755 There's an amazing loving home. 00:40:21.755 --> 00:40:31.601 Things work well, things are smooth, people are healthy and have vitality and things work well and there is abundance. 00:40:32.481 --> 00:40:41.807 And it doesn't mean that listen, the starting of a relationship doesn't mean that it's perfect and doesn't mean that things don't go wrong and that life doesn't happen to them. 00:40:41.807 --> 00:40:52.800 The thing is that they're set up so well and they have such a good system and they're doing their work and they're investing in the things that they could handle things so much better, so they don't get knocked out as much. 00:40:52.800 --> 00:40:55.237 They don't get thrown off. 00:40:55.237 --> 00:40:57.878 I mean, life happens and they deal with it. 00:40:57.878 --> 00:41:08.380 It's much easier because they have the stuff in place and they have the partnership and the bond and all the resources and they've done their work that they could handle things easier. 00:41:08.380 --> 00:41:23.072 They are inspiring as individuals and as a couple, as a family, couple, as a family. 00:41:23.072 --> 00:41:23.972 They just have. 00:41:23.972 --> 00:41:27.581 Their homes are just peaceful, harmonious, inviting, welcoming, pretty right, all the things. 00:41:27.581 --> 00:41:30.487 So that's what's on offer Now for this one. 00:41:30.608 --> 00:41:39.324 If you're operating at the lower levels, then the key is to have conversations around how do we get on the same page? 00:41:39.324 --> 00:41:47.012 Let's explore division, the goals, the systems, the structures, the routines, the division of labor. 00:41:47.012 --> 00:41:48.557 How do we collaborate better? 00:41:48.557 --> 00:41:54.202 So these are all different things that can be put in place so that you could take things to the next level. 00:41:54.202 --> 00:41:59.059 Okay, so quick recap. 00:42:01.190 --> 00:42:17.938 Element number one was context and mindset, and that's where we clean up how we look at things, our belief systems, our expectations and our boundaries, our ownership, so that we don't create friction and stuckness and impasses and keep ourselves small. 00:42:17.938 --> 00:42:21.318 Number two communication and alignment. 00:42:21.318 --> 00:42:32.664 This is where we up-level all of the ways that we communicate, from apology to repair, to problem solving, to communicating more deeply and more meaningfully All of the things. 00:42:32.664 --> 00:42:46.150 Number three is clarity and dynamics, and this one has to do with addressing all of the patterns right, all the emotional patterns, the mental patterns, all the different ways in that we might get in our way. 00:42:46.150 --> 00:42:56.110 We get triggered and we create funky loops and we get stuck in the loops and we don't resolve things and we keep ourselves small in that way, just repeating things that are unpleasant. 00:42:56.110 --> 00:42:58.092 So small in that way, just repeating things that are unpleasant. 00:42:58.092 --> 00:43:07.065 And in that one, when we crack that, the way of doing that is just by meeting our needs, and in that was healing and growth when we meet ours and our partners. 00:43:07.065 --> 00:43:14.362 So that's definitely a beautiful place to play in. 00:43:14.362 --> 00:43:22.505 The next one is connection and intimacy, and here's where we're building all the fun, all the depth and the richness to our togetherness, the definition of us and all the memories and all the fun things. 00:43:22.505 --> 00:43:31.112 And the last one is collaboration and partnership, and this is how we co-create our life experience and our grand life adventure. 00:43:32.817 --> 00:43:40.980 So the next thing that I want to share with you before we go is how to use this summer or any period of time. 00:43:40.980 --> 00:43:46.121 I like summer because there's more spaciousness, there's more sun, there's more fun. 00:43:46.121 --> 00:43:58.746 It's like that we're in the mindset, in the energy of woohoo, and so that's a good energy to kind of ride to help us with this, right? 00:43:58.746 --> 00:44:00.416 So it's the perfect time to have a reset. 00:44:00.416 --> 00:44:06.016 It doesn't mean that this is the only time that you could do a relationship reset, and I talk about this all the time. 00:44:06.016 --> 00:44:17.498 We could do resets at any transition times, from month to month, from week to week, from quarter to quarter, beginning of a year, a birthday, anniversaries, whatever, whenever we want to, or any old day, just because right, whenever we decide to. 00:44:17.498 --> 00:44:21.797 So don't let that the timing be a thing. 00:44:21.797 --> 00:44:30.693 It's just a fun thing for this particular episode, and the timing is just so perfect because all the things make it easier to have a reset right now. 00:44:31.673 --> 00:44:39.702 So go through the five elements and see how you could tie them to summer themes, right. 00:44:39.702 --> 00:44:42.744 So how do you plan vacations? 00:44:42.744 --> 00:44:43.704 How do you have fun? 00:44:43.704 --> 00:44:45.786 What kind of routines do you have? 00:44:45.786 --> 00:45:05.119 How to have little adventures, how to build into your routine a different cadence for connection, for communication, how to explore belief systems around vacation, summer, leisure, fun, adventure right. 00:45:05.119 --> 00:45:15.469 So you could kind of use all the themes, apply them to each of the elements so each of the elements add a little flavor of summer. 00:45:15.469 --> 00:45:27.523 Just take it to the next level, to be more specific and to milk the energy that we have accessible right now, just to make this a little more fun and to have a proper reset, because the energy just lends itself to it. 00:45:27.523 --> 00:45:46.961 Weave in a little summer into them so you have a proper reset so that this July you could plant a flag, so that the rest of the year can have a different flavor. 00:45:46.961 --> 00:45:50.335 You could take things to the next level and have your next level of love. 00:45:51.077 --> 00:45:51.717 Okay, my loves. 00:45:51.717 --> 00:45:54.751 Hopefully that helped you and you found that useful. 00:45:54.751 --> 00:46:00.434 Please give us a thumbs up, a like, a rating, a comment, a subscription, a follow. 00:46:00.434 --> 00:46:02.416 All the things depends on where you're watching this. 00:46:02.416 --> 00:46:19.750 Feel free to check out the description, notes or the page depends on where you're watching this and I'm going to list some other resources blog posts, youtube videos and prior episodes to reinforce some of these comments. 00:46:19.750 --> 00:46:25.003 So you have the tools that you need to help you do each element and help take yourself to the next level. 00:46:25.003 --> 00:46:28.052 Have a fabulous one and I will see you at the next one. 00:46:28.052 --> 00:46:29.014 Bye.