ТРАНСКРИПЦИЯ 🔗
WEBVTT
00:01:18.400 --> 00:01:25.599
A man can deeply love his wife and still have fantasies that don't include her.
00:01:27.120 --> 00:01:36.879
I know that may be difficult to hear because many women immediately wonder why doesn't he want to do it with me?
00:01:37.359 --> 00:01:39.200
Am I not enough?
00:01:40.319 --> 00:01:45.680
But sometimes the fantasy isn't a rejection of his wife.
00:01:46.319 --> 00:01:52.640
Sometimes it belongs to a completely different part of his imagination.
00:01:53.759 --> 00:01:55.840
Welcome back to Spicy Spectrum.
00:01:56.159 --> 00:01:57.920
It's your dream girl, Peppercat.
00:01:58.799 --> 00:02:07.120
And today we're talking about why some men keep fantasy outside of their marriage.
00:02:07.920 --> 00:02:11.519
I recently wrote about this on What He's Thinking.
00:02:11.680 --> 00:02:13.920
Um, that's my series on Substack.
00:02:14.079 --> 00:02:23.759
Check it out, link is in the show notes, where I translate the patterns I've noticed after years of hearing what men say privately.
00:02:24.240 --> 00:02:36.000
But I want to take the conversation a little further because fantasy and love and intention are not always the same thing.
00:02:37.920 --> 00:02:44.639
A person can imagine something without wanting to build a life around it.
00:02:45.759 --> 00:02:54.240
Or he can enjoy a fantasy without wanting it to become his everyday reality.
00:02:55.439 --> 00:03:06.000
He can also love his wife without believing that every hidden part of his imagination belongs inside his marriage.
00:03:06.400 --> 00:03:27.919
And uh understanding that doesn't excuse secrecy or cheating or broken arrangements, but it just helps us uh separate what someone imagines from what they actually intend to do.
00:03:28.719 --> 00:03:46.240
And so one of the biggest misunderstandings that I see is the belief that fantasizing about something automatically means someone wants to experience it in real life.
00:03:46.960 --> 00:03:51.680
Now, although it may be true, I'm I'm not saying that that's not always the case.
00:03:51.919 --> 00:03:53.120
That could be the case.
00:03:53.280 --> 00:03:55.120
In fact, that has happened, right?
00:03:55.520 --> 00:04:04.960
Where I've had clients where what they do with me, they do in real life, they do with an escort, they do with a dominatrix in real life.
00:04:05.199 --> 00:04:09.599
Um they may meet into something where they actively act it out.
00:04:09.840 --> 00:04:11.919
But that's not always true.
00:04:12.240 --> 00:04:20.080
Some fantasies are exciting because they remain an imagination, right?
00:04:20.319 --> 00:04:23.840
They are a fantasy, they are an escape.
00:04:24.399 --> 00:04:40.319
And fantasy, the fantasy may involve surrender or control, role play or taboo or novelty or becoming a completely different person for a short time.
00:04:41.439 --> 00:04:50.480
But imagining that scenario doesn't necessarily mean he wants it incorporated into his marriage.
00:04:51.600 --> 00:05:10.080
And that doesn't look to be clear, that doesn't mean he wants to leave his wife, and it also doesn't necessarily mean he wants another relationship, which sometimes he does, let's be honest, but that's not always the case.
00:05:10.319 --> 00:05:15.600
Sometimes imagining is enough, right?
00:05:16.319 --> 00:05:32.720
Um in the adult industry, I've spoken with men who explore fantasies through through phone calls or um through a cam session or through a session or through um sexing or a role play.
00:05:32.960 --> 00:05:38.639
And during the experience, they may become completely immersed in it.
00:05:38.879 --> 00:05:43.200
And they aren't necessarily thinking about their wife in that moment.
00:05:43.360 --> 00:05:45.919
I'm going to be honest, it's not about the wife.
00:05:46.000 --> 00:05:58.000
It has nothing to do with what he doesn't like about her, or he doesn't, it's not that he doesn't find her attractive, is that she isn't the subject of his fantasy unless he's a cuck, right?
00:05:58.159 --> 00:06:02.000
Or unless I'm gonna be honest, I've spoken to men where it's the opposite.
00:06:02.159 --> 00:06:09.039
He he doesn't like his wife and he wants a fantasy or he wants to share how much he doesn't like her.
00:06:09.120 --> 00:06:11.840
I'm just I'm just I'm just being real, right?
00:06:12.159 --> 00:06:28.879
He may love his wife or he may hate his wife, and that fantasy may be based off of that, but for the most part, at least for me, it doesn't even have to do with her, and he's not coming to me be in and spite of her, it's not personal.
00:06:29.679 --> 00:06:35.279
The fantasy is the subject, right?
00:06:36.559 --> 00:06:57.840
Um that doesn't automatically mean she is competing with the porn star or the porn content creator or the escort or the stripper, it means the fantasy is serving a different purpose to him that he doesn't get from you.
00:07:00.240 --> 00:07:09.600
Many uh the married men I've spoken with describe their wives with genuine love and admiration.
00:07:10.080 --> 00:07:19.120
And sometimes it's the opposite, like I said, like it's either they love them and they don't want to leave them, or um, they don't like their wives.
00:07:19.279 --> 00:07:23.440
It all depends on the individual, but we're gonna talk about the first one.
00:07:24.240 --> 00:07:36.879
So they may say that she's beautiful and supportive and a wonderful mother and the center of their life, and then they tell me about a fantasy they have never shared with her.
00:07:37.120 --> 00:07:50.799
So sometimes it involves BDSM, and sometimes it may involve also being submissive, even though he leads in every part of his life or in the marriage.
00:07:51.120 --> 00:08:01.759
Sometimes it involves role play or an identity that doesn't match how his wife or his family or community sees him.
00:08:02.080 --> 00:08:10.720
And so he may keep up, he may keep it private because he doesn't know whether she will understand.
00:08:12.000 -->
Load full transcript
00:08:18.879
Or he may also be trying to protect the role she already holds in his mind, right?
00:08:19.039 --> 00:08:21.039
So she already has a view of him.
00:08:21.440 --> 00:08:34.639
And a lot of times a wife or a partner, but I'm talking about wives at this moment, she may represent home or love and family, stability in the life they build together.
00:08:35.120 --> 00:08:42.480
But the fantasy on the opposite side of the spectrum, like women like me, represent novelty.
00:08:42.879 --> 00:08:59.600
We represent surrendering or an experience into uh a sexual fantasy um that they may want to be explore more or be curious about.
00:08:59.840 --> 00:09:04.720
It's a temporary freedom from his everyday identity with his wife.
00:09:04.960 --> 00:09:09.759
And so in his mind, those worlds may serve different purposes.
00:09:10.720 --> 00:09:25.279
And so that doesn't mean separating them through deception is healthy, but it helps explain why he may not automatically imagine bringing that fantasy home with him.
00:09:25.440 --> 00:09:38.960
And so sometimes a man spends every day making decisions or supporting a family or being dependable, and then he enters a fantasy where someone takes that control.
00:09:39.360 --> 00:09:46.879
Or if if that's not the case, if that's not what he what he's into, he's escaping the other version of himself.
00:09:47.120 --> 00:09:50.320
So him being a father or a husband.
00:09:50.560 --> 00:10:02.720
And he can temporarily carry the weight of his identity with other people outside of our world, and he he he is 100% truly himself, right?
00:10:02.960 --> 00:10:15.040
He may not want to abandon those roles in real life, and so he wants a short experience two minutes, two hours, um, where those roles don't define him.
00:10:15.920 --> 00:10:27.519
So I wanted to give an example, and I like to be clear, I do not reveal, you know, names of my clients, I do reveal patterns.
00:10:27.600 --> 00:10:33.600
So if I'm talking about a subject or a pattern, I'm not talking about only one client.
00:10:33.840 --> 00:10:39.279
I may point it out and not reveal their in their information and just use that as an example.
00:10:39.519 --> 00:10:45.360
So I want to give an example um relating to this experience.
00:10:46.160 --> 00:10:54.879
Um one example I or one pattern, let's say pattern, not gonna point out my person.
00:10:55.279 --> 00:11:15.279
One pattern that I see when it comes to a client that may be hiding who he is away from his wife, um, and he's with me, is I'm you know, I'm going to I'm gonna I'm I'm gonna get uncomfortable, right?
00:11:15.440 --> 00:11:17.600
Let's talk about taboo fantasies, right?
00:11:17.680 --> 00:11:24.000
So when I say taboo fantasies, I'm talking about those that may be so socially unacceptable to other people.
00:11:24.160 --> 00:11:31.279
I don't even like to use taboo because it shouldn't be taboo, but for it for the sake of this conversation, I'll use it.
00:11:31.519 --> 00:11:42.480
Um so he may be into age play, race play, um uh rate play, which is CNC, consensual, non-consensual, consensual, mean um, fantasies.
00:11:42.879 --> 00:11:45.040
And I want to talk about race play.
00:11:45.519 --> 00:11:48.960
So I have a lot of clients who are into race play.
00:11:49.120 --> 00:11:50.160
Obviously, I'm black.
00:11:50.240 --> 00:11:52.560
I'm I'm in the ebony category.
00:11:52.800 --> 00:12:00.960
And so a lot of men, black, white, Hispanic, Asian, all of them come to me for race play.
00:12:01.120 --> 00:12:03.920
It's not uncommon to see different races of men.
00:12:04.080 --> 00:12:04.879
They all do.
00:12:05.200 --> 00:12:09.279
And so, you know, I'm going to narrow it down.
00:12:09.440 --> 00:12:14.720
I'm gonna specifically talk about black and white men who who see me, right?
00:12:15.040 --> 00:12:22.480
I when it comes to the black men who see me for race play, their partners are typically black.
00:12:22.879 --> 00:13:28.960
They may want me to do a scenario where either I'm with a white man or an opposite race of me, or they want to do some sort of humiliation fantasy where I degrade them for being black, right?
00:13:29.120 --> 00:13:31.039
And they may have a white partner.
00:13:31.360 --> 00:13:33.840
So it's either they have a black partner or a white.
00:13:33.919 --> 00:13:36.720
Those are the patterns I've seen so far, right?
00:13:37.120 --> 00:13:44.480
And so they know, they know that their wife or girlfriend will never go for it, right?
00:13:44.560 --> 00:13:47.279
Because we we get very explicit, right?
00:13:47.440 --> 00:13:55.360
I say I say words, he he says words, and he and they have told me that their wives would never go for it, right?
00:13:55.919 --> 00:13:58.320
His white wife will never call him names.
00:13:58.480 --> 00:14:00.879
Now, I'm not saying that happens, like that does happen.
00:14:00.960 --> 00:14:12.159
There are couples who are into that mutually, but um, the ones who speak with me, they know their wife would never feel comfortable calling him, for example, a uh the porch monkey, right?
00:14:12.320 --> 00:14:14.560
Or coon or whatever, right?
00:14:14.720 --> 00:14:18.159
And um this is for educational purposes, all right.
00:14:18.240 --> 00:14:19.919
And that's what I'm using those words.
00:14:20.080 --> 00:14:27.039
Um, and on the opposite side of the spectrum when it comes to the white man, sorry, I'm getting confused.
00:14:27.200 --> 00:14:27.519
Sorry.
00:14:27.600 --> 00:14:29.600
I'm sorry, the okay.
00:14:31.680 --> 00:14:33.759
Still on the black clients, right?
00:14:34.000 --> 00:14:40.560
If they have black wives, they are also uncomfortable bringing those fantasies to them.
00:14:40.879 --> 00:14:48.799
They don't, they're uncomfortable sharing that they want, they may want to see their black wives fuck a white guy, right?
00:14:49.440 --> 00:14:49.759
Right?
00:14:49.919 --> 00:14:51.919
Or like be called names.
00:14:52.159 -->
00:14:59.519
On the other side, when it comes to my white clients, I have white men who have white wives.
00:14:59.840 --> 00:15:14.960
And because I'm an ebony cam model or ebony font sex operator, they come to me for a fantasy that um they can't get from their wife because she's not black, and right, and so that doesn't fulfill that fantasy.
00:15:15.200 --> 00:15:23.279
Or I have white men where they may have a black wife, and they know damn well she will not be participating in that.
00:15:23.440 --> 00:15:40.560
And so he comes to me and they've told me that she will not go for it, and they know it, or that they proposed it on both sides, black and white men, that they have proposed it and their partner shut it down because not everyone's comfortable doing race play.
00:15:40.960 --> 00:16:05.680
So those examples are a perfect example of someone right coming to me for an extreme roleplay, doing race play, um, and not feeling comfortable going to their wife because it is it is a it is an extreme uh uh role play, a fantasy that involves a lot of emotional labor.
00:16:05.840 --> 00:16:11.759
And can you imagine taking care of your kids, cooking, and then now you have to do race play?
00:16:11.840 --> 00:16:13.600
Like it's a lot, it's a lot.
00:16:14.080 --> 00:16:18.720
So they come to me and also you and also you don't feel comfortable doing it.
00:16:18.799 --> 00:16:22.240
It's a very touchy subject for some people, right?
00:16:22.399 --> 00:16:31.519
And a lot of people cannot separate the fantasy from reality, and that can also put that can also be a challenge.
00:16:31.759 --> 00:16:53.840
I'd also like to add this that you know, when it comes to these fantasies that they come to me for, you have to realize, and I know some people don't see our industry and what we do as I know some people, this the smart people understand that what we do requires a lot of um experience and expertise.
00:16:54.080 --> 00:17:03.200
Um, again, race play involves a lot of emotional labor, it involves um a lot of performance and composure.
00:17:03.759 --> 00:17:07.519
Um, and across the board, other fantasies do as well.
00:17:07.680 --> 00:17:09.600
So it takes a lot of energy.
00:17:09.840 --> 00:17:22.400
And so there are people who are experts in their fields, like us, where we are meant to entertain in the fantasy world, where that requires a skill set.
00:17:23.039 --> 00:17:29.519
Having phone sex and a person not looking at you requires a skill set.
00:17:30.240 --> 00:17:35.440
You know, someone can just hang up after 30 seconds if they don't like what they're hearing, right?
00:17:35.600 --> 00:17:39.279
Um, being on cam for four hours requires a skill set.
00:17:39.519 --> 00:17:48.160
Being an escort or a stripper and using your physical body to perform or fulfill a fantasy requires a skill set.
00:17:48.400 --> 00:17:50.480
Sex is a skill set as well.
00:17:50.880 --> 00:17:56.159
So not everyone is equipped for that because it is a job, right?
00:17:56.399 --> 00:17:58.319
At the end of the day, we do get paid.
00:17:58.559 --> 00:18:01.680
So um that that is a part of it.
00:18:01.839 --> 00:18:13.440
So, you know, the fantasies I provide is a skill set that maybe his partner may not be able to fulfill or they don't want to because it is too, it requires too much, right?
00:18:13.919 --> 00:18:21.680
And so sometimes a man keeps uh fantasy outside his marriage because he may feel ashamed.
00:18:21.839 --> 00:18:23.200
So that's another one, right?
00:18:23.279 --> 00:18:28.319
Oh, I you know, I may have men who are not ashamed of race play, they don't care, they don't give a fuck.
00:18:28.399 --> 00:18:30.399
I'm gonna be honest, they don't care.
00:18:30.799 --> 00:18:43.200
Like, and then you have the ones who may come from cough, cough, um liberal backgrounds, or they may in their own communities that may be frowned upon.
00:18:43.359 --> 00:18:46.399
And so they may have a lot of shame, you know.
00:18:46.559 --> 00:18:49.599
And this is just I'm I'm this is not a real person, you know.
00:18:49.759 --> 00:18:52.960
Derek, who voted for Obama, right?
00:18:53.200 --> 00:19:00.799
Former president of Obama, you know, he's into race play, but he doesn't want his friends and family to know, right?
00:19:00.960 --> 00:19:05.359
He doesn't want anyone to jump to conclusions or he doesn't want to be labeled as racist.
00:19:05.599 --> 00:19:10.880
So he may carry shame and come to me, Pepper, and do a little race play.
00:19:11.039 --> 00:19:22.640
So maybe he was raised to believe, um, in addition to him, maybe someone else may be raised to believe, for example, that submission makes a man weak.
00:19:22.720 --> 00:19:25.359
And he may have come from a conservative background.
00:19:25.599 --> 00:19:31.279
And those values of you know what it means to be a man have been something he's learned.
00:19:31.440 --> 00:19:41.279
But now he's coming to me, you know, Billy, I'm just he could Billy from, you know, Texas, this is not a real person.
00:19:41.519 --> 00:19:47.680
Billy from Texas, you know, likes to get his ass clapped, his cheeks clapped.
00:19:48.160 --> 00:19:56.640
But in, you know, in in his real life, Billy goes to church on Sundays, but on Friday night he likes beat bent over, right?
00:19:57.200 --> 00:20:06.640
Or maybe his religion taught him that his desires are wrong, or maybe he worries that his wife will no longer respect him.
00:20:06.960 --> 00:20:16.480
Maybe the fantasy brings up questions about his own masculinity or his own sexuality that he has not answered himself.
00:20:16.640 --> 00:20:24.880
And so in those situations, he may be asking, or may say, not asking, say, my wife would never understand.
00:20:26.559 --> 00:20:29.839
And so my question is, well, did you tell her?
00:20:33.359 --> 00:20:34.480
Did you tell her?
00:20:35.039 --> 00:20:38.720
Some men have already told their wives, they already know.
00:20:38.960 --> 00:20:46.240
Some men
have already decided that their partner will respond without giving her the opportunity to respond.
00:20:46.720 --> 00:20:57.039
And that matters because he cannot honestly say she rejected the real him if he never allowed her to meet that version of him.
00:20:57.759 --> 00:21:10.960
And so at the same time, some people have heard their partners make jokes or judgmental comments about the exact fantasy that they are hiding.
00:21:11.200 --> 00:21:34.480
Let me tell you something, and this is to the women, um, because I see it a lot when it comes to men's sexuality when you are online um posting about for example, porn or like a man watching porn, how it's disgusting, right?
00:21:34.559 --> 00:21:40.880
I I I see this all the time where I'll see a woman say, I will never date a man who watches porn.
00:21:41.120 --> 00:21:41.680
Valid.
00:21:41.839 --> 00:21:44.240
Look, everyone can have their preferences, right?
00:21:44.319 --> 00:21:46.720
I will never date a man who subscribes to OnlyFans.
00:21:47.359 --> 00:21:48.000
All that.
00:21:48.240 --> 00:22:09.200
The problem is, and this is from someone who speaks to men, the majority of men, and I am of the belief of this, and I know other other people other women like me and other men too can can confirm um that the majority of men do consume adult content, even if it's not through porn.
00:22:09.359 --> 00:22:10.880
They may see an escort.
00:22:11.440 --> 00:22:16.880
So if you ask your man, your husband, whoever, whomever, do you watch porn?
00:22:17.039 --> 00:22:19.440
He there he can say no, right?
00:22:19.599 --> 00:22:22.160
He doesn't watch porn, but he sees an escort.
00:22:22.720 --> 00:22:26.480
Or he's following someone on a burner account on Instagram.
00:22:26.640 --> 00:22:36.720
I saw this comment one time where this woman said, My man, I think it was a comment, it was a discussion about how men follow like IG baddies or IG models, right?
00:22:36.880 --> 00:22:42.960
And she made a comment saying, My man would never um, you know, he um doesn't use social media.
00:22:44.960 --> 00:22:46.319
I I saw a comment.
00:22:46.400 --> 00:22:48.559
I I didn't I didn't even have to write the comment.
00:22:48.640 --> 00:22:49.519
I didn't have to respond.
00:22:49.680 --> 00:22:52.160
Other people respond and said he probably has a burner account.
00:22:52.319 --> 00:22:53.279
He probably does.
00:22:53.599 --> 00:22:57.039
Or he calls a phone sex line or he goes to a campsite.
00:22:57.200 --> 00:23:03.039
I'm just being honest, like the majority of men they consume, if it's not OnlyFans, it's something else.
00:23:03.120 --> 00:23:04.799
It's it's Instagram.
00:23:05.279 --> 00:23:06.960
If it's not Instagram, it's an escort.
00:23:07.039 --> 00:23:09.039
If it's not an escort, it's a strip club.
00:23:09.120 --> 00:23:12.640
Like they're going to do it, they are doing it.
00:23:12.880 --> 00:23:21.599
So when you write stuff like that online and a potential partner or your partner
sees it, he may not feel comfortable with you bashing.
00:23:21.759 --> 00:23:36.000
And I'm gonna be honest, when when when you are bashing uh porn or bashing um a man being into something, then he may not be open to telling you about what he's into.
00:23:36.880 --> 00:23:39.680
Um I'm just I'm just being honest.
00:23:39.759 --> 00:23:41.839
And I see a lot of posts like that.
00:23:42.240 --> 00:23:58.160
And while you're you can have your preference, understand that when you write things like that, then your partner we may not tell you what he's really into because he doesn't feel safe to because he saw what you wrote or he heard you make a comment about it.
00:23:58.319 --> 00:24:00.480
I'm just I'm just being honest.
00:24:00.720 --> 00:24:15.200
You talk about um how if you if you call something gay, Um, if you if you say certain things about pegging and stuff, I'm good, they're they they are not gonna tell you what they're into.
00:24:15.279 --> 00:24:16.400
They're just gonna sneak.
00:24:16.640 --> 00:24:29.440
Um, most of them sneak anyway, but if you want the honest truth from them, um, they're not gonna give it to you because you are talking about something that they may want to share, but you look down on it.
00:24:29.599 --> 00:24:37.759
So um odyssey may feel dangerous, and the fear may explain why someone remains silent.
00:24:38.319 --> 00:24:46.559
Um, but it doesn't automatically justify a secret sexual life, especially when it comes to someone's health, right?
00:24:46.720 --> 00:24:53.759
And so there is a difference between having a private imagination and breaking in agreement with your partner.
00:24:54.000 --> 00:25:11.680
And everyone is entitled to an inner world um and fantasy and escape, but once a fantasy involves actions that can affect someone else's health and consent and understanding of the relationship, it's no longer only private.
00:25:11.759 --> 00:25:13.839
Um, it can be harmful as well.
00:25:14.079 --> 00:25:21.120
So I don't believe every thought or fantasy must be reported to a fantasy or to a partner.
00:25:21.440 --> 00:25:23.200
I'm gonna be honest.
00:25:23.839 --> 00:25:28.160
People are still individuals um after entering a relationship.
00:25:28.319 --> 00:25:35.759
Um, I don't think I don't think you have to tell your partner everything if it's not harming them.
00:25:35.920 --> 00:25:37.359
That's what I mean, right?
00:25:37.680 --> 00:25:41.279
Um, having an imagination is not cheating.
00:25:41.759 --> 00:25:54.400
And look, okay, I do believe that cheating is something that is established, like the definition of cheating and what that looks like is established.
00:25:54.559 --> 00:26:02.640
So, you know, whatever you agree with that, you know, with each other, that's cheating or not cheating, right?
00:26:03.120 --> 00:26:06.640
Me personally, watching porn is not cheating.
00:26:06.799 --> 00:26:07.680
It's it's not.
00:26:07.839 --> 00:26:08.960
We don't want your man.
00:26:09.120 -->
00:26:13.039
Um we don't want your man, we want his money.
00:26:13.279 --> 00:26:17.839
Um, and noticing another person is not cheating.
00:26:18.000 --> 00:26:31.200
That's that me, uh that's I think that I think when people, I'm going to be honest, who believe porn is cheating and noticing other humans, attractive humans is cheating, you are deeply insecure.
00:26:31.920 --> 00:26:33.440
I'm just being honest.
00:26:33.680 --> 00:26:34.880
I think that's a big part of it.
00:26:34.960 --> 00:26:46.640
And I actually had a psychologist on my show to confirm that that that involves a lot of insecurity and inner work that you have to deal with in terms of that.
00:26:47.120 --> 00:26:53.839
Um, and fantasizing about something unusual does not automatically create betrayal.
00:26:54.160 --> 00:27:08.400
And so the more important question is whether the fantasy is affecting the actual relationship and is he secretly spending money that affects the household?
00:27:08.720 --> 00:27:13.279
Or is he communicating with someone in a way that violates their agreement?
00:27:13.519 --> 00:27:17.120
Is he having physical contact that may affect his partner's health?
00:27:17.359 --> 00:27:21.920
Is the fantasy becoming the only place where he feels sexually alive?
00:27:22.400 --> 00:27:27.599
Is he building an entire private identity that his partner knows nothing about?
00:27:27.920 --> 00:27:34.880
If the answer is yes, then the couple may need a much larger conversation.
00:27:35.519 --> 00:27:41.839
And then with that, the issue is no longer only what he imagines.
00:27:42.240 --> 00:27:57.120
Um, it's how he is managing that desire and whether his choices remove his partner's ability to make an informed decision about her own body and her own relationship.
00:27:57.599 --> 00:28:01.599
And sometimes couples can explore fantasies together, right?
00:28:01.680 --> 00:28:03.759
I'm not saying that that's not possible.
00:28:04.000 --> 00:28:09.519
That might mean talking about them or trying to role play or watching something together.
00:28:09.599 --> 00:28:13.759
I know I have couples who watch my porn and they always it's so cute.
00:28:13.920 --> 00:29:13.509
They'll um contact me and like it'll be one, so like it'll be the husband that will send me a message, and then and then and then it'll be the wife that types like her own little message.
00:29:13.589 --> 00:29:14.470
Isn't it just so cute?
00:29:14.549 --> 00:29:16.230
Like how they tell me I love your video.
00:29:16.389 --> 00:29:20.230
This is um such and such, and you know, you know, this is me.
00:29:20.309 --> 00:29:21.189
I'm I'm typing.
00:29:21.269 --> 00:29:21.909
Thank you so much.
00:29:22.069 --> 00:29:26.309
We just bought your new video and we watched it before we had our threesome.
00:29:26.549 --> 00:29:29.829
I'm like, uh I see.
00:29:30.309 --> 00:29:32.629
All right, cool, I like that.
00:29:33.349 --> 00:29:46.949
And so, like, um, you know, they may find a compromise that
respects both people's boundaries, and sometimes the partner will say, Hey, I understand, you know, you enjoy being pegged.
00:29:47.109 --> 00:29:47.909
I'm not into that.
00:29:47.990 --> 00:29:56.949
I don't want to participate in that, or I understand you're into age play or race play, or um I understand you're into farting.
00:29:57.029 --> 00:29:58.789
You know, that's not really my thing.
00:29:58.949 --> 00:30:05.349
Hey, so I'm not really into that, but you can call the phone text line if if if if that fulfills your need.
00:30:05.509 --> 00:30:09.349
Because I'm gonna be honest, they're going to do it anyway.
00:30:09.589 --> 00:30:11.909
So I'm I'm I'm just I'm just being honest.
00:30:11.990 --> 00:30:18.149
Like if you tell someone not to do something, it's gonna make them want to do it more, and then they'll also do it in secret.
00:30:18.230 --> 00:30:22.389
So it's either you stay with them and accept them for who they are, or just leave.
00:30:22.549 --> 00:30:23.990
I'm I'm just being honest.
00:30:24.149 --> 00:30:25.990
That that I'm I'm just being honest.
00:30:26.069 --> 00:30:31.990
Like, you either be comfortable with that lifestyle, um, that's something that you can deal with, cool.
00:30:32.149 --> 00:30:36.549
But if you don't, I don't think you should tell someone who to be, just walk away.
00:30:36.789 --> 00:30:40.869
Like you all are not sexually compatible, and that's okay, right?
00:30:41.349 --> 00:30:50.069
Um marriage doesn't require anyone to perform every sexual act their their partner wants.
00:30:50.389 --> 00:30:57.669
And understanding a fantasy doesn't create an ob obligation, obligation to fulfill it.
00:30:57.829 --> 00:31:12.309
And so some couples may agree that certain fantasies are better left to the in the imagination, and other couples may negotiate and experience involving a professional.
00:31:12.629 --> 00:31:20.069
I highly look, I highly look, this is this is what I would do.
00:31:21.029 --> 00:31:30.309
Um, if I I do not believe in bringing in people like friends, and this is just me, friends or anyone who's connected to you.
00:31:30.549 --> 00:31:34.470
If you're looking for an outlet, like, oh, why don't we just involve the neighbor?
00:31:34.629 --> 00:31:37.029
Or like, let's just involve your best friend.
00:31:37.109 --> 00:31:39.269
That can get really messy really fast.
00:31:39.349 --> 00:31:53.750
And I think it's just better to seek professionals in the adult world because we don't have an attachment to you all, and it's a transaction, and we know, you know, we know that this is what's, you know, you're paying for this.
00:31:53.990 --> 00:31:57.429
We don't have any connections after this, we'll we'll all walk away.
00:31:57.589 --> 00:32:05.029
When you start involving friends and close, you know, friends and neighbors and all that stuff, like that can get really complicated.
00:32:05.189 --> 00:32:07.750
I'm just I'm just being honest, and I've seen that.
00:32:07.990 --> 00:32:27.509
Um, and so some may discover that the difference reveals a deeper incompatibility, like I was saying, that you know, um Q and you both may have different types of fantasies, that may be something deeper that that's that conversation is bringing um about.
00:32:27.750 --> 00:32:32.389
So um and there is no single arrangement that works for every couple.
00:32:32.629 --> 00:32:36.389
Um, every every every every dynamic looks different, you know.
00:32:36.629 --> 00:32:42.949
What matters is that both people knowingly agree to the relationship that they are in.
00:32:43.029 --> 00:32:48.869
And so an open relationship requires both to know it's open.
00:32:50.949 --> 00:33:01.909
Okay, a professional experience um may be something that one marriage um may consider.
00:33:02.869 --> 00:33:10.069
Um it may be something that instead of cheating, that's something that is an outlet to use.
00:33:10.309 --> 00:33:14.629
Because a lot of times, like even with cheating, like the other person is seeking something.
00:33:14.789 --> 00:33:22.069
So maybe a safer route that can, you know, um keep both people safe if you're comfortable.
00:33:22.149 --> 00:33:25.990
It's just going to the professional world, you know.
00:33:26.389 --> 00:33:36.869
So every couple creates their own boundaries, um, but those boundaries cannot always be honestly negotiated if no one even has the conversation.
00:33:37.029 --> 00:33:53.669
So that's why I always preach open convers or having open conversation on here, because that's the biggest piece of cheating and and stepping out and being dishonest is that people are not talking and they're not speaking up, they're not being honest and not telling their partner what they really want.
00:33:53.990 --> 00:34:01.909
So I don't think the healthiest question is simply, do you have fantasies?
00:34:02.069 --> 00:34:05.589
Right, almost everyone has an imagination.
00:34:06.389 --> 00:34:11.829
A better question is, do you feel safe enough to tell me them?
00:34:12.949 --> 00:34:14.949
There's a big difference, right?
00:34:15.670 --> 00:34:20.710
I provide a safe place for my clients to feel safe telling me their fantasies.
00:34:20.789 --> 00:34:22.949
I let them know I'm not gonna judge you.
00:34:23.110 --> 00:34:23.909
It's okay.
00:34:24.150 --> 00:34:27.190
Um, tell me what's on your mind, right?
00:34:27.590 --> 00:34:32.789
So that question is not only about sex, it is about trust.
00:34:33.190 --> 00:34:37.990
Can your partner reveal an uncomfortable part of themselves without being mocked?
00:34:38.230 --> 00:34:40.389
Clients also seek that with me.
00:34:40.550 --> 00:34:45.269
Can can can can they tell me their fantasy without me laughing, right?
00:34:45.510 --> 00:34:49.590
Can you listen without assuming that every fantasy is a demand?
00:34:49.909 --> 00:34:54.309
Can your partner accept that listening does not guarantee participation?
00:34:54.470 --> 00:34:56.070
This goes for the guys, right?
00:34:56.150 --> 00:35:07.110
Like if you tell your wife something, she doesn't have to participate in it, even though she was open to listening, because again, everyone has a preference.
00:35:07.429 --> 00:35:13.510
Can both of you d discuss boundaries without turning the conversation into blame?
00:35:13.990 --> 00:35:16.869
Can some couples avoid these conversations?
00:35:17.030 --> 00:35:26.630
Um, sorry, sometimes couples avoid these conversations um because they're afraid of what they might learn.
00:35:26.789 --> 00:35:29.510
They're afraid of learning the truth, right?
00:35:30.070 --> 00:35:40.550
Um, and I'm speaking to women this time, I think, because I see a lot of women find out that their partners are watching porn, right?
00:35:41.190 --> 00:35:43.829
And my question to you is, did you even ask them?
00:35:44.070 --> 00:35:45.990
But a lot of them don't.
00:35:46.230 --> 00:35:47.989
Because I always look at the comments, right?
00:35:48.069 --> 00:35:51.189
When they ask, oh, like, did you ever ask or did you ever talk about porn?
00:35:51.269 --> 00:35:54.309
No, no, I didn't, we didn't, we've we've never talked about porn.
00:35:54.549 --> 00:35:55.189
But why?
00:35:55.669 --> 00:36:04.309
Because is it because you didn't want to get the answer and you just assume he wasn't watching porn, or you you just put that in your head that he would never do that?
00:36:04.469 --> 00:36:28.389
Uh I I and I've done this before, I'm guilty, I don't do it anymore, of um looking at a man, right, and assigning an identity to him, even though that may not be the truth, or just glazing over the truth and kind of putting my version of who I want him to be in that image in my head.
00:36:28.549 --> 00:36:30.629
I think a lot of women do that, right?
00:36:30.789 --> 00:36:36.549
We we see sometimes we'll see a man for who we think he should be and not who he really is.
00:36:36.869 --> 00:36:53.189
And so not actually wanting to hear the truth um could hurt our egos, just like men as well, how their egos may be hurt by um certain, you know, actions or whatever.
00:36:53.349 --> 00:36:57.429
So, um, and a lot of times men do tell the truth.
00:36:57.589 --> 00:37:00.869
They do, we just don't like the answer.
00:37:01.109 --> 00:37:14.149
So um, but learning the truth gives both people the opportunity to decide what they can accept and what they can explore and where their boundaries remain firm.
00:37:14.309 --> 00:37:24.709
And so silence may delay that the decision, um, but it doesn't always resolve the underlying difference.
00:37:25.109 --> 00:37:37.589
So if you have a fantasy you've never felt comfortable discussing, or you're trying to understand something your partner revealed, you can book a pepper's perspective.
00:37:37.909 --> 00:37:54.549
These are private one-on-one audio conversations where we discuss relationships and fantasies and desires and communication, or the adult world or um, the adult content, adult discussions without
judgment.
00:37:54.709 --> 00:38:09.509
Um, and I just want to be clear that Pepper's Perspectives is not therapy, it is an educational conversation informed by my experience, speaking with thousands of men about the parts of themselves they rarely reveal.
00:38:09.909 --> 00:38:14.549
And you can book your session at spicyspectrumpcast.com.
00:38:15.589 --> 00:38:23.429
I also discuss this topic during Spicy Spectrum Live, which happens every Monday from 7 p.m.
00:38:23.589 --> 00:38:24.149
to 8 p.m.
00:38:24.309 --> 00:38:26.149
Eastern Standard Time on TikTok.
00:38:26.309 --> 00:38:27.989
The link is in the show notes.
00:38:28.149 --> 00:38:40.789
Um, where if you miss them, you can also view the video replays, which are available through What He's Thinking on Subset and Spicy Spectrum After Dark on Patreon.
00:38:40.949 --> 00:38:45.989
You can also listen to the audio replays at spicyspectrum podcast.com.
00:38:46.149 --> 00:38:51.589
So you can become a spicy supporter on um one of those um platforms.
00:38:51.749 --> 00:39:00.229
And also please make sure to check out in my podcast, my YouTube that we've been um posting weekly on.
00:39:00.469 --> 00:39:07.909
So spicy spectrum podcast on YouTube, there's there's um long form content, there's shorts.
00:39:08.069 --> 00:39:13.589
I post in the um here's like a feed, like I'll do surveys over there.
00:39:13.909 --> 00:39:17.829
Um, and you can participate, you can comment under videos, you can ask questions.
00:39:17.909 --> 00:39:26.949
Like if you want me to cover a certain topic, feel free that if you watch a video and you want me to make an episode that I haven't made yet, you can do that as well.
00:39:27.109 --> 00:39:29.429
So all comments are are welcome.
00:39:29.669 --> 00:39:44.949
So all right, so to close um with what we've spoken about, a fantasy, and I'll leave you with this a fantasy does not include someone's wife.
00:39:46.389 --> 00:39:56.949
Sorry, a fantasy that does not include someone's wife does not automatically mean she is unattractive or inadequate or unloved.
00:39:58.069 --> 00:40:03.509
Fantasy is not always replacing love.
00:40:05.189 --> 00:40:15.509
Sometimes it's giving someone temporary permission to explore a part of themselves they don't associate with their everyday life.
00:40:15.909 --> 00:40:23.429
And the real issue is not whether someone has an imagination, the issue is how they manage it.
00:40:23.589 --> 00:40:26.309
So do they communicate honestly?
00:40:26.629 --> 00:40:29.509
Do they respect the relationship's agreements?
00:40:29.749 --> 00:40:33.829
Do they allow their partner to make informed decisions?
00:40:34.309 --> 00:40:43.669
And do both people feel safe enough to talk about desire without assuming that every fantasy must become reality.
00:40:44.229 --> 00:40:51.349
And so understanding someone's inner world um does not require approving every choice they make.
00:40:51.669 --> 00:40:58.069
But sometimes the the conversations we avoid reveal the most about who we are.
00:40:58.469 --> 00:41:00.469
So I'll leave you with that.
00:41:00.629 --> 00:41:03.589
Thank you so much for listening to Spicy Spectrum.
00:41:04.309 --> 00:41:08.389
If I see you during Spicy Spicy Spectrum Live on Monday, I'll see you there.
00:41:08.629 --> 00:41:11.269
If not, I'll meet you right back here next Wednesday.
00:41:11.349 --> 00:41:13.029
So thank you so much for joining me.
00:41:13.269 --> 00:41:16.949
I'll see you, same spicy channel, same spicy time.