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00:02:29.520 --> 00:02:30.479 Those are all five of them. 00:02:30.639 --> 00:02:31.120 Oh, okay. 00:02:31.199 --> 00:02:33.520 So we have the four agreements and the circle of fire. 00:02:33.599 --> 00:02:35.680 Just so us, the beginning and the end. 00:02:36.400 --> 00:02:36.960 I know. 00:02:37.199 --> 00:02:37.520 Yeah. 00:02:37.759 --> 00:02:40.719 I actually have all of them, but the fifth agreement, I can't find it. 00:02:40.879 --> 00:02:43.840 But um God, they're life-changing books. 00:02:44.000 --> 00:02:44.159 Yeah. 00:02:44.400 --> 00:02:52.960 They really like knock you on your ass and make you realize like look into yourself and then be like, oh yeah, maybe I'm the problem sometimes. 00:02:53.280 --> 00:03:01.039 Well, and it's like it kind of gives you that perspective, you know, it's not just you being a problem. 00:03:01.120 --> 00:03:14.560 Like they were talking about in the park, just because I just started the domestication of like we think it of like a wife or something, but really they're like you're doing it even as a child, you're being domesticated in your life, and you're constantly told, no, no, no, no, no. 00:03:14.639 --> 00:03:20.639 And if you don't have parents that reward you, it's constantly no, no, no, you're wrong, you're wrong, you're wrong your entire life growing up. 00:03:22.639 --> 00:03:24.159 Hold on, let me grab this book. 00:03:24.240 --> 00:03:26.800 Okay, so oh my gosh, what is it? 00:03:27.599 --> 00:03:30.560 Um another good book. 00:03:31.439 --> 00:03:42.479 I swear in like times of trouble, obviously the Bible, but there's some books that I have been reading that have been life-changing. 00:03:43.599 --> 00:03:52.719 Yeah, which ones I'm gonna find them because I got all crazy and started packing my stuff the other day. 00:03:53.280 --> 00:03:54.400 Oh, shouldn't it do that? 00:03:55.280 --> 00:03:56.080 Oh okay. 00:03:56.800 --> 00:03:58.560 How to heal after narcissistic. 00:04:03.599 --> 00:04:07.120 So it's by Carolyn Strawson, so we give her credit. 00:04:07.360 --> 00:04:11.520 Um but anyways, it's a good thought. 00:04:12.800 --> 00:04:22.560 But hold on, there was a part I read and just keep talking because I'll find it. 00:04:22.800 --> 00:04:44.720 Um but it talks about that, about domestication, about basically having to undo yourself and rebuild, but you can't be the person you are meant to be, and you can say all day long, oh I'm healed and I'm working on healing, but you never I realize never actually do that until you go way back in the past. 00:04:44.959 --> 00:04:48.399 You gotta it's like an onion, you know. 00:04:48.560 --> 00:05:10.079 And sometimes you have to to help you understand, you know, because sometimes it's like I don't know, you know, you don't know or understand something, and then it's like, oh, well, if you were treated this way throughout, you know, some important growing years, or even you know, in your relationship as a young wife, you know, if you're treated that way, it kind of warps your perception and your understanding and your beliefs. 00:05:11.040 --> 00:05:11.519 Yeah. 00:05:11.759 --> 00:05:16.720 So I guess but I was trying to figure out like how to, yeah, I agree. 00:05:16.959 --> 00:05:22.879 Um best way to put it was like moving from like a freeze state of mind to thawing out. 00:05:22.959 --> 00:05:24.160 Is that kind of that's kind of weird? 00:05:24.560 --> 00:05:33.279 Yeah, yeah, like you're frozen in um because you have you put your your nervous system into shock. 00:05:33.439 --> 00:05:36.480 And so you're just being like you always say, going to survival mode, right? 00:05:36.560 --> 00:05:36.720 Yeah. 00:05:36.879 --> 00:05:46.399 Well, figuring out what put you in survival mode, and then you're not just in survival mode, you have these survival responses. 00:05:46.480 --> 00:05:58.720 There's things that I realize I do that I think are normal and they're not, and they're literally just respond responders of what I never healed from. 00:05:58.959 --> 00:06:15.360 So, like being like uh an inner critic of myself, overly a caretaker, addiction, anxiety, depression, um, disassociation, anger, impatience, all the OCD, all these things are to me. 00:06:15.439 --> 00:06:20.639 I think people keep telling you, oh, like you're um you that oh you're just that's just who I am. 00:06:20.800 --> 00:06:22.879 Oh, like that's just who I am, or that's who you are. 00:06:23.040 --> 00:06:24.399 Or you know, it's not. 00:06:24.560 --> 00:06:26.560 It was a way of coping. 00:06:27.600 --> 00:06:31.600 So if you can go back and uncope those things, you know what I mean? 00:06:31.680 --> 00:06:37.600 They're called like emotional wounds, exiles or whatever, then you can actually heal. 00:06:37.759 --> 00:06:40.800 And then I found like in this book too, tools to actually do that. 00:06:40.879 --> 00:06:44.319 Obviously, breath work, journaling, meditation. 00:06:44.800 --> 00:06:53.360 But um, a lot of people are coming back around to doing freaking vision boards, and I seen for the first time it was probably about all my stuff. 00:06:53.680 --> 00:06:54.319 So did I. 00:06:54.480 --> 00:06:55.680 Okay, we need to do that. 00:06:56.639 --> 00:07:02.720 There's an emotional vision board, it's not about your goals, it's about yes, uh I read it today. 00:07:02.800 --> 00:07:04.160 I was like, I love this. 00:07:04.240 --> 00:07:05.120 It's like all the self-care. 00:07:08.560 --> 00:07:10.720 I should show you a couple old ones, but keep going. 00:07:10.879 --> 00:07:11.600 Sorry, yeah. 00:07:11.680 --> 00:07:20.319 So it's a it's called a self-care vision board, and it's you just only focus on that, and then uh I thought that was so cool to do. 00:07:20.399 --> 00:07:29.120 And while you're doing that, it asks you to like within it, you know, tell yourself 30 good things you're 30 things you're good at. 00:07:29.279 --> 00:07:30.399 You know, I couldn't do that. 00:07:30.480 --> 00:07:36.560 I

sat there with an index card and I listed maybe five, and I was so upset with myself because I couldn't list 30 things. 00:07:36.720 --> 00:07:39.680 No, but there's thinking about, I'm sure, too. 00:07:39.839 --> 00:07:42.240 Like, you know, you but what that's sad. 00:07:42.480 --> 00:07:50.720 That's how little we think of ourselves, and then yeah, but then you write a list of not apologizing because I'm an over-apologizer. 00:07:50.800 --> 00:07:54.639 I always go, Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, and I shouldn't be saying sorry all the time. 00:07:54.959 --> 00:07:56.160 So thanking instead. 00:07:56.240 --> 00:08:02.240 So I wrote another list to the 30 things I was good at, and then what I'm not apologizing for. 00:08:02.399 --> 00:08:04.800 I'm gonna say thank you for forgiving myself. 00:08:04.959 --> 00:08:06.079 I'm not gonna say sorry anymore. 00:08:06.160 --> 00:08:12.399 I'm not I said thank you for being patient with myself, talking to myself, thank you for staying healthy and focused. 00:08:12.639 --> 00:08:16.959 Thank you for loving me, thank you for not comparing me, and thank you every day for gratitude. 00:08:17.120 --> 00:08:25.519 So those were two little things I did today, they were little projects, but the three things I struggled bad and I was upset about it. 00:08:25.759 --> 00:08:31.839 Yeah, well, it's hard to see sometimes, especially when you're feeling bad, but I can list like probably a million things about you. 00:08:32.399 --> 00:08:35.120 So don't get discouraged. 00:08:35.759 --> 00:08:41.919 So I think that's yeah, that should be could be something we add in our little our uh maybe it's a thing. 00:08:42.240 --> 00:08:45.120 We can give everybody little things to do to build confidence. 00:08:45.200 --> 00:08:45.919 That could be one of them. 00:08:46.159 --> 00:08:51.120 Well, even like maybe we do like a say something nice about yourself or something that you're proud of. 00:08:51.360 --> 00:08:57.840 Um there's a funny movie that's um the way they do it is really funny, but the idea is really good. 00:08:57.919 --> 00:09:00.720 And it's you've probably heard of it, like they do peaks and valleys. 00:09:00.879 --> 00:09:03.200 Like, okay, tell us your peaks and valleys on the project. 00:09:03.440 --> 00:09:04.240 Highs and lows. 00:09:04.559 --> 00:09:07.279 What highs and lows, yeah, exactly. 00:09:07.360 --> 00:09:09.600 So people use the words like peaks and valleys, you know. 00:09:09.679 --> 00:09:12.000 What are your peaks and valleys on this project or whatever? 00:09:12.080 --> 00:09:13.360 It's like a work thing or something. 00:09:13.679 --> 00:09:19.279 I like that better, but yeah, we could even do our peaks and valleys in life, like you know, our peak. 00:09:19.440 --> 00:09:22.720 Oh, we started another, you know, here's our next episode. 00:09:22.799 --> 00:09:23.600 That's awesome. 00:09:23.759 --> 00:09:27.759 You know, the valley is going through emotional stress to get here. 00:09:28.000 --> 00:09:28.720 Okay, okay. 00:09:29.039 --> 00:09:30.320 That's how we could start. 00:09:30.480 --> 00:09:31.679 Let's start, let's rewind. 00:09:31.759 --> 00:09:35.120 Okay, I got hey, I mean, hey, what's your peaks and valleys? 00:09:38.720 --> 00:09:41.440 Um okay, let's start with your peaks and valleys. 00:09:41.679 --> 00:09:43.039 You're you go first. 00:09:44.159 --> 00:09:48.480 Um okay, my peaks. 00:09:49.120 --> 00:09:53.039 Um, and my that's the most unorganized introduction on the planet. 00:09:53.279 --> 00:09:53.600 Yeah. 00:10:00.080 --> 00:10:01.919 Um, hey everyone. 00:10:02.799 --> 00:10:06.240 Um by the way, my peak. 00:10:06.480 --> 00:10:08.639 That feels like I'm telling everyone how unsecure I was. 00:10:08.879 --> 00:10:09.600 Yeah, right. 00:10:10.159 --> 00:10:10.720 What is that? 00:10:10.879 --> 00:10:11.679 Um, what did they say? 00:10:11.759 --> 00:10:13.840 Emotional dumping or whatever word vomit. 00:10:14.080 --> 00:10:15.440 I just vomited from the mouth. 00:10:17.200 --> 00:10:18.879 I didn't, that was terrible. 00:10:19.120 --> 00:10:25.600 Um sometimes um once you get it out there, um, other people can help you sort through it. 00:10:25.679 --> 00:10:32.159 The good people will help you sort through it and tell you, like, okay, yeah, this is a yes, yes, and this like no, calm down, you know. 00:10:32.399 --> 00:10:38.000 Um the good people will help, but um okay, peaks, peaks, peaks, peaks. 00:10:39.360 --> 00:10:40.000 Peaks. 00:10:40.720 --> 00:10:45.679 Um oh I trying to do that. 00:10:45.919 --> 00:10:47.600 I'm trying to get another shirt made. 00:10:47.679 --> 00:10:48.159 Who knows? 00:10:48.240 --> 00:10:49.519 It could be a scam. 00:10:49.919 --> 00:10:51.840 Um no, it's not. 00:10:51.919 --> 00:10:52.720 Not again, not again. 00:10:53.360 --> 00:10:54.320 So crappy. 00:10:54.480 --> 00:10:59.759 Um, but yeah, so hopefully I'm getting another shirt done, so that's exciting. 00:11:00.000 --> 00:11:02.240 And then valleys. 00:11:03.519 --> 00:11:13.679 Um I I was just telling Justin, I think I'm going through metamorphosis, uh, metamorphosis or something because I just feel like my body's changing. 00:11:13.759 --> 00:11:22.639 The way I'm thinking is changing and like my mind, and I'm going through things that like normally I wouldn't, I don't feel like I would experience as strongly or whatever. 00:11:22.799 --> 00:11:28.960 And so I my valleys are I told you, I think I have a Leo emotions. 00:11:29.120 --> 00:11:31.759 Um they're just very strong. 00:11:32.240 --> 00:11:33.759 And when they're great, it's great. 00:11:33.840 --> 00:11:35.519 But when they're not so great, towards what? 00:11:36.639 --> 00:11:37.279 What? 00:11:37.600 --> 00:11:39.120 Explain towards what? 00:11:39.360 --> 00:11:43.919 Um, just like in general, yeah, just like in life. 00:11:44.000 --> 00:11:48.080 Like even like okay, me and Justin, you know, being engaged. 00:11:48.240 --> 00:11:58.960 Um, you

know, I'm going through this is like for me, like my first, like, not my first serious relationship, but my first serious, you know, healthy relationship. 00:11:59.200 --> 00:12:05.840 Um, and so you kind of like I sometimes think of like the things that I went through. 00:12:06.639 --> 00:12:14.879 And you know, sometimes like I need Justin support or I'll feel insecure about something, you know, or whatever. 00:12:15.039 --> 00:12:21.200 Um so like learning to like lean on him has been oh, because you've been so independent for so long. 00:12:21.360 --> 00:12:26.879 Yeah, and just like everything now, like you know, um that's scary to do. 00:12:27.039 --> 00:12:32.240 Like I Andy has a cousin that I'm gonna I don't want to say names because I don't want to be disrespectful. 00:12:32.399 --> 00:12:34.799 People don't want to be talked about, but it's not a bad thing. 00:12:34.879 --> 00:12:41.679 Uh he has a cousin that was like it was just her and her kids for however long, you know, 15, 20 years. 00:12:41.840 --> 00:12:44.080 And then she gets into a relationship, same thing. 00:12:44.399 --> 00:12:57.440 I think she seems pretty happy, and they're I think they got married actually recently, but um it was you could tell it was a scary thing for her because she spent so much long being independent, and that's such a hard thing to do as a woman in this world. 00:12:57.679 --> 00:13:04.960 And then when you finally feel like you're not you never master it, but when you feel like you got it down to let that go, it's scary, probably. 00:13:05.120 --> 00:13:06.480 I can't imagine that for me. 00:13:06.559 --> 00:13:16.639 I feel like I've lived the opposite life, and it's that's scary for me now on the other end, because now I'm 40 years old and I'm like, oh, I have to not lean on somebody. 00:13:16.879 --> 00:13:26.960 Not that I feel like I ever could fully, anyways, but yeah, no, and I was thinking, like, I I mean, obviously I wasn't married for 20 years and stuff. 00:13:27.120 --> 00:13:32.720 Um, but yeah, the I need that's a strong thing to do though, to let that go. 00:13:32.879 --> 00:13:37.120 So your independence because you're you're a very independent, strong woman. 00:13:37.360 --> 00:13:57.840 Yeah, and it's like, and I know you know, we kind of like the way we think, like I was kind of explaining to Justin, like the way I think, the way that I am, like, it's got me to hear, like I have to trust myself, you know, and yeah, and that's where like and sometimes it's like okay, well now I have to trust this other person, has my well-being, you know, at heart as well. 00:13:58.080 --> 00:14:01.919 Um, and I know we've been together almost five years now. 00:14:03.360 --> 00:14:05.840 Five years, it'll be five years in January, yeah. 00:14:06.080 --> 00:14:07.919 Wow, it was fast. 00:14:08.480 --> 00:14:16.399 Like, yeah, and I'm like, but I feel like in the beginning, especially because we had so much going on, some of those things it was different. 00:14:16.480 --> 00:14:18.720 And now that we live together, it's a little different, you know. 00:14:18.799 --> 00:14:20.879 Like, I feel like I we guys live far apart too. 00:14:20.960 --> 00:14:22.639 Yeah, so that was different, yeah. 00:14:22.879 --> 00:14:31.519 And so now that we live together, um, I'm like, oh, okay, here's some unresolved things that now me and Justin get to work through together. 00:14:31.600 --> 00:14:32.720 What a sweetie I am. 00:14:32.879 --> 00:14:33.919 We bring him over. 00:14:35.919 --> 00:14:37.519 You didn't know this about me? 00:14:37.600 --> 00:14:38.559 What are you talking about? 00:14:38.879 --> 00:14:49.200 But to be fair, and Justin can probably vouch for me, like I was very clear, like about everything, how I am, like what I need, and that stuff. 00:14:49.279 --> 00:14:53.679 So I felt like I wouldn't have been doing that in my 20s, you know what I mean? 00:14:54.159 --> 00:14:58.000 Do you think that came with age and experience, or that came with fear? 00:14:58.159 --> 00:15:01.519 I always wonder if any everything I do is based from fear or experience. 00:15:01.840 --> 00:15:05.360 I know, and that's what that book talks about is that how we all live in fear. 00:15:05.440 --> 00:15:11.360 Um, and I definitely feel like that, um, like with fear at the top of my mind. 00:15:11.840 --> 00:15:27.519 And I do know there was like a while where and it was like right when everything was kind of I was leaving Colorado, I was so good mentally and like so strong mentally, I felt like oh, I was just in such a happy place. 00:15:27.679 --> 00:15:31.279 Like, even if bad things were happening, it was kind of like it wasn't real. 00:15:31.440 --> 00:15:32.320 I don't know how to explain it. 00:15:32.559 --> 00:15:34.320 Yeah, I was like, Yeah, this totally fucking sucks. 00:15:34.559 --> 00:15:36.159 You were the observer of it, of your life. 00:15:36.799 --> 00:15:37.759 Yeah, it's like it sucks. 00:15:37.840 --> 00:15:40.720 And sometimes, like, I you know, I wasn't always sleep perfect. 00:15:40.960 --> 00:16:03.039 Um, but I have to say, I wasn't listening to music, like I did not listen to I listened to a little bit of Taylor Swift back then and like a little bit of stuff, but I mostly listened to classical or like healing frequencies, and so and I remember getting like so irritated with people when I would like be in their cars or whatever, and it's like boom, chaka, boom, choke, and I'm like, oh my god, I feel like my grandma right now. 00:16:03.360 --> 00:16:05.519 Like, are they giving you a headache? 00:16:05.679 --> 00:16:09.679 And it was like, I can't see, yeah. 00:16:10.639 --> 00:16:25.039 And then obviously, and which is so funny is I resorted back to like you know, a better version of myself, obviously, a more mature version, but just back to those all those instincts that I was before I even left Colorado once I moved back, you know. 00:16:25.759 --> 00:16:29.600 I had to like rework

it keeping them and someone stayed. 00:16:30.159 --> 00:16:33.200 Did it make it harder coming back to your hometown? 00:16:33.360 --> 00:16:44.799 I always feel like I swear I drive just one hour away, and I don't I'm not a fan of where I live right now because I'm not I like the heat, but man, yesterday I went back to where we grip and I cannot stand that place. 00:16:44.960 --> 00:16:49.120 It doesn't it make you like feel like it gives me yuck, like ick. 00:16:49.360 --> 00:16:50.639 Like I don't even know how to explain it. 00:16:50.720 --> 00:16:55.759 And it's like I shouldn't be that way, but it's like, gosh, people are so awful there. 00:16:55.919 --> 00:16:57.279 It makes you not want to be there. 00:16:57.440 --> 00:16:58.320 Like it's I don't know. 00:16:58.720 --> 00:17:01.279 I just go through there like thank you for the growth and bye. 00:17:01.440 --> 00:17:15.440 You know, like I don't know how to explain it to people, and sometimes like I know I'm a little bit drama and stuff, like I get it, but I do like when I look back, I would, especially when I was in Colorado, I would felt like it was sinking sand, like when I was there sometimes. 00:17:15.599 --> 00:17:21.680 And like, oh my god, like it's literally pulling you down, like you know, yeah. 00:17:21.839 --> 00:17:30.559 Um it's like you go there and I swear to God, I don't care who you are, it's like you never get to get past that like time period of your life. 00:17:30.640 --> 00:17:33.200 It doesn't matter what you do, where you are, how old you are. 00:17:33.359 --> 00:17:38.400 The second you go there, it's like, oh hi, I'm gonna treat you just like you I did when you were 18. 00:17:38.559 --> 00:17:41.440 Yeah, like no, that's not how like no. 00:17:41.680 --> 00:17:44.880 And that's something I feel like that towns cursed, I swear. 00:17:45.119 --> 00:17:47.759 I know they do have like some interesting things. 00:17:47.920 --> 00:17:55.359 Um, it was so weird though, right before I moved to Florida, like in 2022, I was so happy out there. 00:17:55.440 --> 00:18:06.079 It was the happiest I had been until like since I had moved back from Colorado, like the happiest, like in a good place with all of my friends, like all of the stuff. 00:18:06.160 --> 00:18:08.480 I mean, I was single, I wasn't even dating anybody. 00:18:08.640 --> 00:18:09.920 It was just a good place. 00:18:10.000 --> 00:18:16.319 Like me and Kel were in a good place, you know, just the animals, everybody was in a good place. 00:18:16.799 --> 00:18:19.200 And before you made back from Colorado? 00:18:19.599 --> 00:18:22.640 That was no, when I that was like in 2021. 00:18:22.960 --> 00:18:23.599 Oh, okay. 00:18:23.920 --> 00:18:36.880 Like around 2021, it was I know COVID was happening and all that stuff, but I felt like I was getting along with my mom, hanging out with my brothers and their wives, and um stuff like that. 00:18:37.200 --> 00:18:50.799 But and I know it sounds weird, but I'm like, it doesn't last, you know, because you have things that go on in life, and then I sometimes, you know, attribute it to them, like, oh, you guys are the problem. 00:18:51.440 --> 00:18:53.519 It's this fucking earth over here. 00:18:55.599 --> 00:19:00.079 Um, but sometimes just being so close to family, you know, can cause that stuff. 00:19:00.160 --> 00:19:02.880 Just because everybody, nobody gives. 00:19:02.960 --> 00:19:09.680 Well, it's not that we don't, but you give like your your straight fucking no filters, you know what I mean? 00:19:09.759 --> 00:19:11.440 Like raw emotion to family. 00:19:11.680 --> 00:19:15.440 And sometimes I think sometimes family has no boundaries. 00:19:15.599 --> 00:19:19.359 They just like think they can just be all open your shit. 00:19:19.759 --> 00:19:20.079 My mom. 00:19:20.799 --> 00:19:27.119 I didn't tell you what my mom I was talking to my brother and his wife, and she's like, You know what your mom did. 00:19:27.440 --> 00:19:29.279 I'm like, I don't know what you do. 00:19:29.680 --> 00:19:42.319 And and then Justin, my brother, gets on the phone and they're telling me um that him and my mom called Britney's ex, whatever, they have a baby together or like a son together, he's like 10 or 11. 00:19:42.480 --> 00:19:46.799 They called the ex and wanted to talk to his mom to see how what she thought of Britney. 00:19:47.039 --> 00:19:48.079 And I was like, Wait, what? 00:19:48.240 --> 00:19:49.200 Why exactly? 00:19:49.359 --> 00:19:51.119 What the fuck are you guys doing? 00:19:51.200 --> 00:19:55.279 And they're like, Well, because Britney always talks about how nice it was there and how great it was over there. 00:19:55.359 --> 00:19:56.079 So we want to know. 00:19:56.160 --> 00:20:09.119 And I'm like, you guys, first of all, like I can't, I don't even have words, but the words that I am gonna find is you don't reach out to someone's ex-mother-in-law to find out about them. 00:20:10.480 --> 00:20:12.160 That's probably the worst person you can call. 00:20:12.240 --> 00:20:13.920 They're gonna always have something bad to say. 00:20:14.480 --> 00:20:22.319 Well, and then like if Britney and her think like Britney thinks she has a good relationship with her, and you're gonna come back and tell her, like, oh, by the way, she's a giant bitch, Brittany. 00:20:22.559 --> 00:20:25.920 You know, it's like you don't need to crush her little cigarette. 00:20:26.400 --> 00:20:26.880 Yeah. 00:20:27.440 --> 00:20:28.240 Oh my gosh. 00:20:28.319 --> 00:20:31.200 Well, that's like the number one not person to call. 00:20:31.359 --> 00:20:32.720 Oh, and this is even funnier. 00:20:32.880 --> 00:20:33.920 I actually did a really good job. 00:20:34.000 --> 00:20:34.960 You'd probably be proud of me. 00:20:35.119 --> 00:20:45.039 So Justin, I told you I met his ex that he has with his his daughter with, and his mom or whatever we were at the thing, she's like, Oh yeah, I remember you and Justin, you guys like sugar.

00:20:45.279 --> 00:20:46.799 And of course, I'm irritated. 00:20:47.359 --> 00:20:49.680 So I'm like, oh, instantly. 00:20:49.759 --> 00:20:55.039 And I'm like, okay, calm the fuck down, psycho, psycho kitty, and just you know, whatever. 00:20:55.119 --> 00:20:57.599 And so we're leaving, and I just couldn't wait to tell Justin. 00:20:58.000 --> 00:21:04.960 And so we're walking out, and I was like, Your mom said made sure that everybody knew that you and her like sugar, sugar, sugar. 00:21:05.759 --> 00:21:11.119 Then um, Justin's like, and he's like, Yeah, I forgot to tell her not to mention things from 30 years ago. 00:21:11.200 --> 00:21:13.759 And I was like, and this is why we don't hang out with in-laws. 00:21:14.799 --> 00:21:18.160 I'm like, this is why the moms aren't around around. 00:21:18.640 --> 00:21:20.960 Why did she say that about sugar though? 00:21:21.119 --> 00:21:22.079 I don't know. 00:21:22.640 --> 00:21:24.000 Yeah, I'm confused. 00:21:24.240 --> 00:21:33.920 I know they were talking about something, and of course, another I was like, of course, I have what they're talking about the ex? 00:21:34.240 --> 00:21:37.920 Yeah, she was talking about why like oh yeah, I just love sugar. 00:21:38.160 --> 00:21:43.759 I swear to god, like Yeah, I know, but that's why I say you'd be proud of me. 00:21:44.240 --> 00:21:48.079 All I said is, yep, and that's why we don't hang out with moms or with in laws. 00:21:48.640 --> 00:21:54.720 Well, I swear I told you this before, like I've learned everything not to be when I become one. 00:21:55.119 --> 00:21:55.759 Yeah. 00:21:56.160 --> 00:21:57.200 You know, yeah. 00:21:57.440 --> 00:22:18.160 But I do look at things like Much as we love our sons, if my when my son comes home with someone, if I see that he is happy, or I I'm not gonna know every detail because I'm not there all the time, nor am I gonna try to because it's not my business to, but I will know one thing, I would never try to make that person feel bad. 00:22:18.319 --> 00:22:19.680 I don't care what's going on. 00:22:19.759 --> 00:22:22.400 So, like her doing that to you, it's like, what the fuck? 00:22:22.559 --> 00:22:23.359 Like, why? 00:22:24.880 --> 00:22:25.440 For what reason? 00:22:25.599 --> 00:22:27.200 Did you have to be a total bitch right now? 00:22:27.519 --> 00:22:36.799 I told Justin, I don't obviously I don't think she would do that on purpose, and I'm like, but it can definitely make somebody feel a certain way when they're sitting there next to you holding his hand. 00:22:36.880 --> 00:22:38.079 I'm like, let his hand go. 00:22:38.240 --> 00:22:38.640 Ew. 00:22:39.119 --> 00:22:41.599 Like sugar. 00:22:41.839 --> 00:22:49.200 I love sugar until I heard that's I just actually was listening to a podcast that said uh about the um narcissist. 00:22:49.440 --> 00:22:51.039 I'm on this narcissist thing right now. 00:22:52.799 --> 00:23:03.359 It said most there was a study done, and 90 plus percent of narcissistic men have a toxic relationship with their mother. 00:23:03.599 --> 00:23:06.079 Oh is that crazy or what? 00:23:06.160 --> 00:23:08.720 Oh I believe moms do the most. 00:23:08.960 --> 00:23:12.720 I hope not because sometimes I worry about you know telling crews how they're quiet and stuff. 00:23:12.799 --> 00:23:15.279 I'm like, are they fucked up or are they just quiet and kind? 00:23:16.319 --> 00:23:17.920 Yes, are we destroying them? 00:23:18.319 --> 00:23:22.640 Yeah, but um, I think dads obviously can with men too. 00:23:22.799 --> 00:23:32.799 Um, but yeah, I think sometimes like a lot of times you hear stuff and it's like the mom was, you know, beating them fucking awkward, weird to them. 00:23:34.000 --> 00:23:37.200 Yeah, yeah, I think so. 00:23:37.519 --> 00:23:49.599 Um that's a whole nother episode, I feel like my emotions are pretty high and strong on that topic right now, so I don't think I should talk much about it. 00:23:50.799 --> 00:23:52.240 Like, yeah, we'll come back to that one. 00:23:52.319 --> 00:23:58.960 I'm a little too back later in a couple months, maybe a year, because emotions are flying right now on that one. 00:23:59.200 --> 00:24:05.359 That's why I told Justin, I was like, I can't really talk about things until I got to a point in my head where they can be funny, you know. 00:24:05.440 --> 00:24:08.400 Like I was telling and I laugh at morbid stuff too. 00:24:08.480 --> 00:24:17.279 So yeah, we definitely have a twisted sense of humor, so we can just both comedy and like you know, the twisted stuff, definitely. 00:24:17.519 --> 00:24:20.480 Yeah, so when we both say, no, we're not talking about that, it's glaring. 00:24:20.880 --> 00:24:23.519 Okay, must be really fucked up still from that. 00:24:24.240 --> 00:24:26.240 Really bad because yeah. 00:24:27.119 --> 00:24:37.279 I was actually telling Justin, I was like, sometimes I don't like, and I don't know if you do this, but sometimes if I have an emotional something that makes me feel bad, I get angry first. 00:24:37.440 --> 00:24:46.240 I'm like, I get so angry, and I'm like, and I don't like that, and then like later I'll cry and be like, but I'll act like a beast for a minute. 00:24:46.400 --> 00:24:53.039 And I'm like, but I told him, I was like, I think because I say the brain doesn't know the difference between real pain and emotional pain. 00:24:53.200 --> 00:24:56.079 And I was like, imagine walking down the street and somebody punches you in the face. 00:24:56.160 --> 00:25:01.119 If you're sitting there crying, you're gonna get fucked up, and so you have to get mad. 00:25:02.960 --> 00:25:14.000 I read that a lot lately, and it actually freaks me out when I think about when it keeps telling you, not just with that, but with a lot of stuff that your brain cannot determine basically what's real and what's not. 00:25:14.079 --> 00:25:22.880 Like you could sit there and close your eyes and be like, you know, imagine this whole situation,

and your brain does not know emotionally if it did really happen or not. 00:25:23.119 --> 00:25:23.920 So I'm scary. 00:25:24.559 --> 00:25:28.319 Like, well, that's where manifesting comes, you know, and you got to use it for the good stuff. 00:25:28.400 --> 00:25:32.960 And sometimes we're so negatively thinking in our minds we can't go there. 00:25:33.200 --> 00:25:58.240 Um, but that's why manifesting and thinking, and it's hard for me to do, but they'll tell you, like, you know, picture it in your mind, um, you know, what you want and what you and it's like you have to exercise that in your mind, and then your body will start to feel it and you'll start admitting that, and that's you know what you're embodying for that empty vision, super crazy. 00:25:59.279 --> 00:26:03.039 Freaks me out things, how powerful our minds are. 00:26:04.160 --> 00:26:13.440 Um I feel like I don't even know what to bring up because there's so much stuff we can talk about. 00:26:14.240 --> 00:26:18.240 I'm afraid to bring up one topic and then it just fly off into the deep end. 00:26:19.680 --> 00:26:25.279 Yeah, no, it just no I did that I wrote uh Pastor Matt Brown. 00:26:25.680 --> 00:26:29.359 Um, you know, he can talk about stuff on his podcast, the debrief, right? 00:26:29.599 --> 00:26:30.000 Oh, okay. 00:26:30.079 --> 00:26:34.000 And he'll yeah, so you can go on his website and you can ask him a question. 00:26:34.160 --> 00:26:43.039 And I asked him a question about my personal issues right now and my marriage and life, and curious if he writes back because he doesn't write back. 00:26:43.200 --> 00:26:52.640 Him and his wife, they're writing back is they are on the debrief live talking and they'll open up your question, read it out loud, and it's on their episode. 00:26:52.799 --> 00:26:55.200 Oh wow, okay, would you write? 00:26:55.519 --> 00:27:02.720 Sorry, I'm getting starting to um I don't think it's gonna let me reread what oh actually well, never mind. 00:27:02.960 --> 00:27:04.480 I did save it. 00:27:05.839 --> 00:27:06.720 Hold on. 00:27:08.480 --> 00:27:11.359 So this is getting real unreally personal. 00:27:11.680 --> 00:27:13.359 Okay, you don't have to, but I don't care. 00:27:13.599 --> 00:27:17.119 No, it's fine because this is what we our whole thing's about is being real. 00:27:17.440 --> 00:27:20.079 If anyone has questions, they can ask me. 00:27:22.000 --> 00:27:26.640 I don't have anything to hide, so I said, Hi, Pastor Matt Brown. 00:27:27.200 --> 00:27:28.559 I don't know his wife's name. 00:27:28.720 --> 00:27:38.079 I felt awful because I think she says it in the thing, but she's not always on there, so then I I just said, Um, I've been watching you and your wife, so I made sure to include her, you know. 00:27:39.440 --> 00:27:50.000 And I just said, uh, man, my husband are on the verge of I don't want to say the D word, but I don't know where we're at right now after 24 years together. 00:27:50.160 --> 00:27:57.680 And I said,

I'm 40 and we have two children, 18 and 19, and we've always been an extremely close family, traveled together, supporting our kids, and all they do. 00:27:57.920 --> 00:28:03.200 Professional off-road racing has also been a huge part of our lives that brought us close together. 00:28:03.359 --> 00:28:05.519 We have always been very involved parents. 00:28:05.759 --> 00:28:14.079 About a year ago, my husband unexpectedly decided we were moving from our hometown, and where we brought up the kids for almost 20 years. 00:28:14.240 --> 00:28:20.720 It was a difficult move, but we supported his goals, his ideas, and what his motive was. 00:28:20.880 --> 00:28:25.039 So we moved out here, um, started our new life and building our new home. 00:28:25.200 --> 00:28:29.039 And then I said then I began feeling that something wasn't right. 00:28:29.200 --> 00:28:33.519 I discovered some things over the past two or three years, and then I listed those things. 00:28:33.839 --> 00:28:40.400 Oh um I went to detail about the things that I felt I discovered. 00:28:40.640 --> 00:28:46.160 Oh but I did because he talks about it, yeah. 00:28:46.720 --> 00:28:47.279 Right? 00:28:47.519 --> 00:28:50.880 It's something he talks about and think is fucking weird sometimes. 00:28:51.039 --> 00:28:58.640 What you're going to the church to get answers, and that's where you should probably be the most honest if they are the church they are, you know. 00:28:58.960 --> 00:29:01.599 Yeah, and then I even said I may be wrong. 00:29:01.920 --> 00:29:04.400 Um, you know, from what he's saying, I'm wrong. 00:29:04.559 --> 00:29:14.400 And but I just don't feel like I fully am, and only because I know what my eyeballs seem, and I also know when people get very defensive, that's usually not a good sign, right? 00:29:15.440 --> 00:29:24.640 And so I said that, and then um I said when things escalate, when there's confrontation, he usually leaves, goes to hotel, I don't see him for days or weeks. 00:29:24.799 --> 00:29:29.440 I said, I'm in no way, shape, or form pretending that I'm have been perfect in this marriage. 00:29:29.519 --> 00:29:30.400 I haven't. 00:29:30.720 --> 00:29:42.400 What I am asking is, am I caught in a painful cycle of wondering whether confronting him is destroying our family or whether staying silent would have been slowly better, although it would have slowly destroyed me. 00:29:42.559 --> 00:29:52.160 Sometimes I regret ever saying anything, but I also know I couldn't continue living with this pain, uncertainty, and feeling like I don't know who I am married to. 00:29:52.480 --> 00:29:54.160 You're gonna cry. 00:29:56.000 --> 00:30:01.519 And I said, um, I think that I need to seek help if that is what I need to do. 00:30:01.680 --> 00:30:06.319 If I really am crazy and saying things, I need to know this, you know. 00:30:07.440 --> 00:30:09.200 And I need to know it from a non-biased. 00:30:09.359 --> 00:30:11.039 My mom's gonna tell me what she what I want to

hear. 00:30:11.119 --> 00:30:12.799 He's gonna tell me what I don't want to hear. 00:30:12.960 --> 00:30:17.599 I mean, there's always all these people, but I need to know like, am I fucking crazy or am I not? 00:30:17.680 --> 00:30:19.039 Like, this is not okay. 00:30:19.279 --> 00:30:31.680 So I said, my all in all, my question is can someone who continually denies a deflex eventually become willing to face the truth and be honest with their spouse and family, or will everything continue to turn around and be my fault? 00:30:31.759 --> 00:30:34.640 And I will always play the villain in my story. 00:30:34.880 --> 00:30:47.759 Oh I said, I've leaned on God and my faith more than ever through all this, it has given me strength, but watching my family that we built over 24 years potentially fall apart is still one of the most painful things I've ever experienced. 00:30:48.000 --> 00:30:54.160 And I need to know if I am the villain or if I can continue to do this cycle. 00:30:54.319 --> 00:30:55.680 So that's what I wrote him yesterday. 00:30:55.759 --> 00:30:57.920 We'll see if you guys got I feel like it was pretty in-depth. 00:30:58.160 --> 00:31:01.279 I'm hoping maybe he will be like, Oh wow, this is a fucked up situation. 00:31:01.359 --> 00:31:05.519 Let's make an episode on this, you know. 00:31:06.319 --> 00:31:08.880 Oh, that's gonna break my heart. 00:31:13.519 --> 00:31:15.839 Oh yeah, yeah. 00:31:17.279 --> 00:31:23.839 Okay, well, I feel like you are going to the right places, Jess, you know. 00:31:24.400 --> 00:31:40.000 Yeah, sometimes I know like sometimes self-destruction is the easiest thing, and just like you know, having a drink or something or acting wild or doing something shitty, um, sometimes seems like it's gonna make us feel better. 00:31:40.240 --> 00:31:41.920 Um and we know it doesn't. 00:31:42.000 --> 00:31:47.119 And I'm glad we're at the age now where it's like we turn away instead of like, you know, let's go act crazy. 00:31:48.079 --> 00:31:52.720 I have been staying so close to God and like level headed. 00:31:53.440 --> 00:31:59.039 Um yeah, I'm not I'm in sober everything. 00:31:59.200 --> 00:32:09.200 Like I am staying solely focused on my health, my well-being, my staying clear-headed because I really want to get to the bottom of this. 00:32:09.279 --> 00:32:29.920 You it's just been 24 years with somebody and not just focusing on the person, but building an entire life and your entire identity around that is scary to then sit there and say, like, it's discouraging to sit there and have built all that and then go, Oh, I feel like I'm looked at as a villain. 00:32:30.079 --> 00:32:45.359 When even my own daughter like won't speak to me now, and it's like I know I've made mistakes, but I have spent my entire life genuinely loving and caring for these people, just to be made out to go to bed every night and be like, I'm a horrible person. 00:32:45.519 --> 00:32:59.440 I don't feel like that's true, and it's unfair for me to carry that weight, and I'm tired of carrying it, so I'm like, the only way I can actually get through this is by staying clear-headed, focused, healthy, and honest with myself, God, and everyone around me. 00:32:59.519 --> 00:33:10.000 And I'm hoping in all that that his truth will come out, and whether we stay together on it through the end of this or not, I I'm not even scared or worried about that. 00:33:10.160 --> 00:33:15.359 I just want I want us both to be happy, and I don't think he could confidently say that. 00:33:15.599 --> 00:33:19.200 I maybe he can, but I I truly do want him happy. 00:33:19.359 --> 00:33:27.599 I don't think he wants the same for me, but I'm in a place in my heart and mind now where I want that for both of us, whether it be together or not. 00:33:28.160 --> 00:33:37.759 You know, but I just cannot handle living like I'm the villain anymore. 00:33:38.000 --> 00:33:39.519 So I'm tired of it. 00:33:39.680 --> 00:33:52.079 People are human, they make mistakes, and and you know, with all that said and done, I think people like we talked about earlier, no woman or man, but mostly women, don't wake up and go, you know what, today I want to be an awful bitch. 00:33:52.240 --> 00:33:59.039 Yes, I want to be shitty to everybody, I want to be in a fucking bad mood, I want to be an asshole and make everybody's life difficult. 00:33:59.359 --> 00:34:04.799 Like, no, I don't no one does that, and I didn't do that the last however many years or to this day. 00:34:04.960 --> 00:34:10.639 I didn't wake up and want to be difficult, a bitch, financially annoying. 00:34:10.719 --> 00:34:12.320 I don't want to do any of these things. 00:34:12.480 --> 00:34:15.119 This is also thought because of reasoning. 00:34:15.199 --> 00:34:16.800 I think we learned that in science, right? 00:34:16.960 --> 00:34:19.039 For every cause, there's an effect. 00:34:21.599 --> 00:34:25.119 You know, you don't just I mean that's common sense. 00:34:25.360 --> 00:34:28.719 And it can't be the effect can always be, well, what did you do? 00:34:28.880 --> 00:34:30.559 What did you what are you guilty of? 00:34:30.800 --> 00:34:34.880 Okay, in the book, Jess, that I could read it again too. 00:34:35.039 --> 00:34:40.960 Um, he talks about humans being, and I'm guilty of making people pay for this too. 00:34:41.039 --> 00:34:52.320 But anyways, humans being the only species on the planet that has to like um like live with their sins like over a thousand times. 00:34:52.480 --> 00:35:03.920 Most things like have a mistake and they get there nothing happens, their life, you know, they move on, but humans have to relive it a thousand times because of the way our brains work, and then because other people are rubbing your face in it and whatever. 00:35:04.159 --> 00:35:05.360 And I was like, so true. 00:35:05.440 --> 00:35:08.320 We just sit there constantly feeling bad about feeling bad. 00:35:08.800 --> 00:35:20.239 Yeah, it's not it's like I

just don't and here's the thing, I do, and people say it all day long like people only make you feel bad because it makes them feel better about what they feel bad about. 00:35:20.320 --> 00:35:22.719 And I true, I truly do believe that is a thing. 00:35:22.960 --> 00:35:31.039 But at what extent do you look in the mirror and go, I'm tired of fucking making other people feel shitty because I don't want to take accountability for the shitty person I can be. 00:35:31.199 --> 00:35:36.320 Yeah, I don't and I've done that, like I'm tired of being like blaming everybody or like dang, you know what? 00:35:36.480 --> 00:35:39.760 I made fucked up decisions because I chose to make them. 00:35:40.000 --> 00:35:41.599 I'm gonna choose to be a better person. 00:35:41.760 --> 00:35:44.639 I'm not gonna go, well, I made that shitty decision because you did that. 00:35:44.800 --> 00:35:49.039 Like, no, you can't, no, no, that's not how this always works, you know. 00:35:49.440 --> 00:36:03.840 Definitely, so like that's a hard, hard truth to I think a lot of people have a hard time facing, and that could be a make or break of people's relationships, of how they feel about themselves, about their sobriety, about a lot of things. 00:36:04.000 --> 00:36:10.239 If you simply can't be honest with yourself and take accountability for all the good and bad, not just all the good you do. 00:36:11.519 --> 00:36:13.280 Because that's like where I'm at right now. 00:36:13.360 --> 00:36:18.800 It's like, okay, everyone, I have taken accountability for everything I'm shitty at all the time. 00:36:18.880 --> 00:36:20.639 But I feel like that's a new thing. 00:36:21.519 --> 00:36:21.840 Huh? 00:36:22.079 --> 00:36:24.320 I constantly will relive the bad things I did. 00:36:24.559 --> 00:36:27.840 Well, you did this one time, so they should probably be allowed to treat you like shit. 00:36:28.079 --> 00:36:30.000 Yeah, but like, what about all the good stuff I did? 00:36:30.159 --> 00:36:31.599 Like, does that not matter? 00:36:31.760 --> 00:36:35.920 I mean, like, it's so crazy to me how roles are set like that with people. 00:36:36.559 --> 00:36:45.920 And I feel like in my life relationship right now, it's always been set I'm the villain and Andy's the the six villain, you know, and it's like, no. 00:36:47.039 --> 00:36:52.800 Well, but I think that's also composure because I don't explode, I don't ever want people to look at him bad, you know. 00:36:53.440 --> 00:36:55.119 I just said something so mean. 00:36:55.360 --> 00:36:56.000 We're gonna have to cut that. 00:36:57.760 --> 00:36:58.559 I can't even. 00:36:58.639 --> 00:36:59.840 I hope you were talking over me. 00:36:59.920 --> 00:37:04.800 I'm not gonna repeat someone because I'm like believe I said that. 00:37:05.679 --> 00:37:10.880 Um God stopped recording. 00:37:11.039 --> 00:37:13.840 Um yeah, um, you're good, Jeff. 00:37:16.079 --> 00:37:26.559 You were young and made mistakes, and sometimes honestly, because

I do know some of your mistakes, sometimes I don't even think I give you all the grace you deserve. 00:37:26.719 --> 00:37:38.719 Um, because I think back, like I remember you we both were staying by ourselves, sleeping together in bed, like pregnant, you know, and like how hard that is. 00:37:38.800 --> 00:37:49.679 And I'm like, dang, you were sitting there having to do all this stuff, and you had stuff going on with your sister and your family, you know, there was like a lot of stuff going on at that time. 00:37:50.800 --> 00:38:00.000 No, I never next like I don't all those things that make you who you are, make you a stronger, better person, right? 00:38:00.239 --> 00:38:07.519 It shouldn't be the very things that crucify you, and I feel like that's where I'm at in my life. 00:38:07.599 --> 00:38:13.760 Like instead of looking back for me, I do look back and go, getting all that stuff made me a better, like stronger person, made me who I am. 00:38:13.840 --> 00:38:20.639 I I wouldn't change some of it, I would, but for the most part, not any of it because it did make me who I am. 00:38:20.880 --> 00:38:33.679 But that's for me to say, I don't think the other things should be things I should be crucified for, judged and labeled, and did and uh determine who I am, and they do still. 00:38:33.760 --> 00:38:46.239 And I'm like, who do you think you are, or you guys think you are, to dictate who I am based on things in the past, especially people that don't even put the effort into be around me enough today to know who I've become? 00:38:46.719 --> 00:38:49.280 They just say they know, but no, you don't. 00:38:51.280 --> 00:38:56.000 I mean, yeah, like okay, here's a question. 00:38:56.159 --> 00:38:57.679 Do you remember I asked you this? 00:38:58.000 --> 00:39:00.239 I told Andy, hey, who's your best friend? 00:39:00.400 --> 00:39:00.639 Remember? 00:39:00.800 --> 00:39:01.119 Oh yeah. 00:39:01.280 --> 00:39:03.519 Of course when he asked me that, I'm gonna say you too. 00:39:03.679 --> 00:39:14.239 Like Mosa, and he said, you know, two of his friends, and um I was like, okay, that's given, because I don't know for a man, it's not like oh my wife's my best friend. 00:39:14.400 --> 00:39:16.320 It's not gonna, they're not gonna say that. 00:39:16.480 --> 00:39:19.679 But then after a second, I'm like, okay, well, I said you. 00:39:19.840 --> 00:39:22.000 And he's like, Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, you too. 00:39:22.239 --> 00:39:28.320 Like, how it's like, oh, but I feel like he didn't really feel that way. 00:39:28.800 --> 00:39:32.079 Are you supposed to feel that way for it to be like a real good relationship? 00:39:32.239 --> 00:39:33.840 I don't know anymore. 00:39:34.320 --> 00:39:47.760 So I know this sounds like awful, but I'm always like measuring people's relationships, like just by little things, and I feel like I'm super fortunate because I have so many friends that I'm really close with, you know. 00:39:48.400 --> 00:39:54.000 And I get to

I feel like sometimes like I'm peeking through a window at their life because I know you know it's stuff. 00:39:54.559 --> 00:40:12.400 But I feel like not that we all say the same things because like we don't, um, but I feel like we all do kind of have that like we want to be that person, but it's maybe not, or I don't know how to explain it. 00:40:12.960 --> 00:40:17.519 Like we all have like our girlfriends are our best friends, you know what I mean? 00:40:17.920 --> 00:40:32.320 And yeah, the boys are like, yes, they're friends and that, but you know, they drive us nuts in some sense, but you know, you love them in the other sense, and so I feel like it doesn't like you think friendship is important to have. 00:40:32.480 --> 00:40:46.000 Do you think that's like a make or break in like a absolute friends, absolutely a thousand percent be friends and be able to hang out and all those things, but like some stuff I talk to people about, I don't talk to Justin the same way, you know what I mean? 00:40:46.239 --> 00:40:55.519 Yeah, and not like not because he's not my best friend or whatever, it's just like you and I, you know, we've known each other 30 fucking years, you know, or men think different. 00:40:55.599 --> 00:41:02.239 Like I know my dad definitely thinks different than like you know, women think you grew up with brothers and stuff like that, you know. 00:41:03.360 --> 00:41:12.400 And so, like, if I were to tell my dad, like you know, like Jessica's worried about Andy's cheating, well, she shouldn't worry about that stuff. 00:41:12.559 --> 00:41:13.920 Like, what the fuck? 00:41:15.599 --> 00:41:16.320 But why? 00:41:16.559 --> 00:41:26.079 We need answers, why it would just be like sometimes men just women, you know, worry about things, and men are just like, oh, this and that. 00:41:26.639 --> 00:41:27.280 Yeah. 00:41:27.679 --> 00:41:29.840 Um, and that's where I feel like the friendship thing. 00:41:29.920 --> 00:41:31.760 It's like, yeah, best friends, absolutely. 00:41:31.920 --> 00:41:36.239 Justin, we hang at him and Justin and I hang out every day, like this and that, you know. 00:41:36.480 --> 00:41:39.440 But I could see you like that's so that's where I feel like that. 00:41:39.519 --> 00:41:46.159 Like, I hate that I'm like, God, like I feel like that with I don't remember we're talking about we're so simple. 00:41:46.320 --> 00:41:48.320 I really fucking am a simple person. 00:41:48.480 --> 00:41:50.400 I just wear the god frustrates me. 00:41:50.480 --> 00:41:51.519 Like, so simple. 00:41:51.679 --> 00:41:54.079 I just hey be nice to me, I'll be nice to you. 00:41:54.159 --> 00:41:55.920 I've said this to my own kids. 00:41:56.079 --> 00:41:58.719 I'm a dragon, like you call me sometimes. 00:41:59.840 --> 00:42:04.079 Like a dragon, because you are a little shit. 00:42:04.159 --> 00:42:04.800 That's why. 00:42:04.960 --> 00:42:07.679 So, like, if you're nice to me, I'll be nice to you. 00:42:07.840 --> 00:42:09.760 If you're generous to me, I'll be generous to you. 00:42:09.840 --> 00:42:11.920 If you're considerate of me, I'll be considerate of you. 00:42:12.000 --> 00:42:14.239 Like, I have my back, I'm gonna have your back. 00:42:14.400 --> 00:42:15.280 It's not that hard. 00:42:15.440 --> 00:42:20.960 But if you disrespect me, I'm not gonna disrespect you, but I'm not gonna treat you the same anymore. 00:42:21.119 --> 00:42:23.280 I'm not gonna be open to you, I'm not gonna be all these things. 00:42:23.360 --> 00:42:25.599 I don't know why that's so hard for people to understand. 00:42:25.920 --> 00:42:45.440 I was just listening to this thing or reading this thing or whatever about um kids and parents and like how the love goes, and that if you are constantly just giving love to your kid without them reciprocating or showing appreciation, they'll never understand, and you'll kind of always have that relationship. 00:42:45.679 --> 00:42:48.960 And like you have to you have to teach them that. 00:42:49.039 --> 00:42:58.800 And I actually think that you did a good job teaching Bella and Cruz that, like you would kind of I think I'm lucky, a very respectful, super nice, like like I mean, not always nice, I guess. 00:42:59.039 --> 00:43:00.639 Um but no, yeah, I don't know. 00:43:00.960 --> 00:43:03.519 But yeah, I think we both you did too. 00:43:03.679 --> 00:43:12.960 I think we got very lucky with our kids, but um we're gonna always have some things, challenges, but we got super lucky with them. 00:43:13.119 --> 00:43:17.199 But when in other things like friendships or relationships, I don't get it. 00:43:17.280 --> 00:43:18.880 I'm like, why am I? 00:43:19.039 --> 00:43:25.599 And I always like actually ask myself because uh recently, especially recently, being told you don't think you're look, you're the problem. 00:43:25.760 --> 00:43:29.119 And I actually sat there and asked myself that like, am I? 00:43:29.280 --> 00:43:40.079 But I don't have all these problems in all my relationships or friendships, just the one or the two, yeah, just the one or two, which is why you didn't cheating doing shitty things, yeah. 00:43:40.239 --> 00:43:45.599 Like just you and and your mom, like having issues with the same fucking people over and over. 00:43:45.760 --> 00:43:47.039 I don't think it's me, no. 00:43:47.119 --> 00:43:50.239 I actually don't, I don't think so. 00:43:50.559 --> 00:43:58.400 I think it's not normal the relationship to have as a grown man with your mother. 00:43:59.599 --> 00:44:00.800 So say it. 00:44:01.760 --> 00:44:04.159 So put this out there. 00:44:05.679 --> 00:44:09.679 Put this out there right now because I am so afraid. 00:44:09.760 --> 00:44:10.719 It's raining here, by the way. 00:44:12.800 --> 00:44:14.800 Yeah, we have like monsoon weather right now. 00:44:14.880 --> 00:44:15.360 I love it. 00:44:15.679 --> 00:44:16.960 Uh lucky. 00:44:17.360 --> 00:44:22.480 I like cooled it down by like 10 degrees, so it's not 140, it's only 130 now. 00:44:22.719 --> 00:44:24.239 Oh lucky. 00:44:24.320 --> 00:44:25.599 I wish we'd get thunderstorms. 00:44:25.679 --> 00:44:28.400 I keep telling Jess that we're barely getting any thunderstorms. 00:44:29.119 --> 00:44:29.760 I love it. 00:44:29.840 --> 00:44:33.039 It's like making me have that feeling because I went to the store the other. 00:44:33.360 --> 00:44:49.199 Oh, I go to the store all the time, but I'm gonna go to the house.