ТРАНСКРИПЦИЯ 🔗
WEBVTT
1
00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:04.000
Foreign.
2
00:00:04.000 --> 00:00:19.000
This is high function revealed. People see what I get done. What I want to talk about is how I got this way, what I learned growing up, what it takes to keep going, and what I'm starting to notice about the things I do over and over again.
3
00:00:19.000 --> 00:00:28.000
Some of those patterns have served me well, some I'm still working through. And I'm curious whether you see them in your life, too.
4
00:00:28.000 --> 00:00:45.000
Season 1 what you don't see Episode 2 How I learned to handle everything I've been thinking about how quickly I move toward a solution. Even when something hurts, there's something practical to do. Make a decision, work out the next step, Keep things moving.
5
00:00:45.000 --> 00:00:49.000
But what happens to the feeling while I'm doing all that?
6
00:00:49.000 --> 00:00:58.000
When do I get to be disappointed or scared or admit that I didn't want to be the person responsible for figuring it out? This time?
7
00:00:58.000 --> 00:01:00.000
I know that I'm capable.
8
00:01:00.000 --> 00:01:06.000
What I'm trying to understand is why having that ability can feel so much like an obligation.
9
00:01:06.000 --> 00:01:09.000
There's something strange about being good at getting through things.
10
00:01:09.000 --> 00:01:16.000
People can see that you got through them. You can see it yourself. The problem was handled, the work got done.
11
00:01:16.000 --> 00:01:21.000
Whatever needed to happen happened. And that can become the whole assessment.
12
00:01:21.000 --> 00:01:23.000
How are you doing?
13
00:01:23.000 --> 00:01:26.000
Well, look, everything is still going.
14
00:01:26.000 --> 00:01:33.000
But that doesn't tell you very much about how someone feels inside the life they're keeping going.
15
00:01:33.000 --> 00:01:50.000
That's what I want to get into today, the connection between living through painful things and becoming very good at functioning in my life. Those things have existed together, and I'm trying to understand where they became tangled.
16
00:01:50.000 --> 00:01:56.000
Because being able to do something and being okay while you do it are two separate questions.
17
00:01:56.000 --> 00:02:00.000
I haven't always given them equal attention.
18
00:02:00.000 --> 00:02:04.000
I genuinely like figuring things out.
19
00:02:04.000 --> 00:02:07.000
Give me an idea and I can see possibilities.
20
00:02:07.000 --> 00:02:11.000
Give me a problem, and I'm interested in how we might solve it.
21
00:02:11.000 --> 00:02:15.000
I've built a career using that part of myself.
22
00:02:15.000 --> 00:02:24.000
There is pleasure in it. There's creativity. There's satisfaction in taking something that feels complicated and finding a way through that.
23
00:02:24.000 --> 00:02:31.000
I don't want to erase that by deciding every strength I have must be a symptom of something.
24
00:02:31.000 --> 00:02:41.000
But I do want to notice when the problem solving starts. Before I've had a chance to understand what the problem actually means to me.
25
00:02:41.000 --> 00:02:45.000
Someone disappoints you and your mind is already adjusting the plan.
26
00:02:45.000 --> 00:02:49.000
Something falls through and you're working out the replacement.
27
00:02:49.000 --> 00:02:57.000
You're hurt, but there are consequences to deal with, so you deal with those, and all of that may be necessary.
28
00:02:57.000 --> 00:03:01.000
Life doesn't Clear your calendar because you're upset.
29
00:03:01.000 --> 00:03:05.000
What interests me is what happens afterward.
30
00:03:05.000 --> 00:03:07.000
Do I come back to myself?
31
00:03:07.000 --> 00:03:11.000
Do I ever return to the part where something hurt?
32
00:03:11.000 --> 00:03:18.000
Or does handling the situation become the way? I convince myself that I've dealt with the whole thing?
33
00:03:18.000 --> 00:03:26.000
Because I can understand what happened. I can explain it. I can even understand why the other person behaved the way they did.
34
00:03:26.000 --> 00:03:33.000
That doesn't necessarily mean I've let myself feel anything about it.
35
00:03:33.000 --> 00:03:40.000
Sometimes an explanation gives me somewhere to go when the feeling is harder to sit with.
36
00:03:40.000 --> 00:03:47.000
When I think about my history, I think about how much life continued while difficult things were happening.
37
00:03:47.000 --> 00:03:54.000
There wasn't always a clear moment when something was over. Everyone understood it, and then you could begin again.
38
00:03:54.000 --> 00:03:59.000
You continued with what was unresolved.
39
00:03:59.000 --> 00:04:04.000
And I wonder how much practice I got at that, continuing before I felt ready.
40
00:04:04.000 --> 00:04:10.000
Finding something I could do when there was so much I couldn't change.
41
00:04:10.000 --> 00:04:16.000
I can't draw a straight line from every experience to every habit I have today.
42
00:04:16.000 --> 00:04:21.000
But I can recognize something familiar in the way I respond to uncertainty.
43
00:04:21.000 --> 00:04:23.000
I start looking for what I can do.
44
00:04:23.000 --> 00:04:32.000
There is relief in having a next step. It gives my attention somewhere to go. It gives me a little influence over what happens next.
45
00:04:32.000 --> 00:04:36.000
And sometimes that's useful.
46
00:04:36.000 --> 00:04:39.000
Sometimes it also means I'm taking on more responsibility.
47
00:04:39.000 --> 00:04:45.000
Because responsibility feels easier to tolerate than uncertainty.
48
00:04:45.000 --> 00:04:55.000
If I'm doing something about it, at least I'm doing something, leaving it unresolved, waiting to see what someone else does.
49
00:04:55.000 --> 00:04:57.000
That can be much harder.
50
00:04:57.000 --> 00:05:04.000
Even when I'm tired, even when I would really like someone else to take a turn.
51
00:05:04.000 --> 00:05:09.000
This is where I can can quietly become.
52
00:05:09.000 --> 00:05:10.000
I should.
Load full transcript
53
00:05:10.000 --> 00:05:19.000
I can see what needs to happen, so I should do it. I. I know how to organize it so it makes sense for me to take it on.
54
00:05:19.000 --> 00:05:25.000
I could explain what I need, wait, follow up, possibly be disappointed.
55
00:05:25.000 --> 00:05:28.000
Or I could just handle it.
56
00:05:28.000 --> 00:05:33.000
And in that moment, handling it may genuinely be easier.
57
00:05:33.000 --> 00:05:44.000
But I think about what happens when you make that decision over and over. You become the person who knows, the person who remembers, the person who notices what hasn't been done yet.
58
00:05:44.000 --> 00:05:49.000
People begin to expect it. You begin to expect it from yourself.
59
00:05:49.000 --> 00:05:52.000
Then there's barely a decision anymore.
60
00:05:52.000 --> 00:05:56.000
Something needs handling, and you're already involved.
61
00:05:56.000 --> 00:05:59.000
I want to pay attention to that moment.
62
00:05:59.000 --> 00:06:03.000
The moment before I volunteer myself internally.
63
00:06:03.000 --> 00:06:06.000
Has anyone actually asked me?
64
00:06:06.000 --> 00:06:11.000
Have I decided that this belongs to me because I'm capable of doing it?
65
00:06:11.000 --> 00:06:16.000
What would happen if I gave someone else enough space to notice?
66
00:06:16.000 --> 00:06:25.000
I don't mean those as questions I've Mastered. I mean them as questions I can easily skip when I'm busy being efficient.
67
00:06:25.000 --> 00:06:27.000
Very efficient.
68
00:06:27.000 --> 00:06:32.000
Apparently even my overthinking would like to produce a deliverable.
69
00:06:32.000 --> 00:06:36.000
There's another part of this that's uncomfortable to admit.
70
00:06:36.000 --> 00:06:42.000
Sometimes I may want to help and also want control over how the help happens.
71
00:06:42.000 --> 00:07:01.000
Because I can already see the moving parts. I've thought about what could go wrong. I have a sequence in mind, so handling something over isn't always restful. Immediately now I have to tolerate someone approaching it differently. I have to work out whether the difference matters or whether I'm uncomfortable because I'm no longer directing it.
72
00:07:01.000 --> 00:07:12.000
Those aren't always the same thing, of course. There are situations where the details matter, where someone hasn't followed through, where my concern is based on my experience.
73
00:07:12.000 --> 00:07:19.000
But I want to be honest enough to ask, in this particular situation, what am I responding to?
74
00:07:19.000 --> 00:07:22.000
What's happening now?
75
00:07:22.000 --> 00:07:27.000
What I'm afraid will happen if I stop paying attention?
76
00:07:27.000 --> 00:07:34.000
I think that distinction matters because otherwise I can keep working long after the actual work is done.
77
00:07:34.000 --> 00:07:41.000
Checking, anticipating, preparing for the next problem. From the outside, it may look like being thorough.
78
00:07:41.000 --> 00:07:47.000
Inside, I want
to know whether I ever get to feel finished.
79
00:07:47.000 --> 00:07:51.000
And what does finished even feel like?
80
00:07:51.000 --> 00:07:58.000
If you're used to measuring your day by what you handled, an open space can feel unfamiliar.
81
00:07:58.000 --> 00:08:02.000
There's no immediate task telling you where to put your attention.
82
00:08:02.000 --> 00:08:04.000
You might notice that you're tired.
83
00:08:04.000 --> 00:08:08.000
You might notice that you're angry about something you agreed to.
84
00:08:08.000 --> 00:08:16.000
You might realize you've spent so much time asking what needs to happen that you don't have an immediate answer to what you want.
85
00:08:16.000 --> 00:08:21.000
That last question can be surprisingly difficult.
86
00:08:21.000 --> 00:08:23.000
What do I want?
87
00:08:23.000 --> 00:08:33.000
Without first calculating what's practical, what someone else needs, or what will create the least disruption.
88
00:08:33.000 --> 00:08:36.000
I'm not talking about a grand reinvention.
89
00:08:36.000 --> 00:08:40.000
Sometimes the answer might be very ordinary.
90
00:08:40.000 --> 00:08:44.000
I want an evening without another decision.
91
00:08:44.000 --> 00:08:49.000
I want to talk about something without immediately turning it into a plan.
92
00:08:49.000 --> 00:08:56.000
I want to be upset without having to demonstrate that I also understand everyone else's position.
93
00:08:56.000 --> 00:09:09.000
I want a little time before I become reasonable, because I can be reasonable. I can see the context. I can explain the pressures another person is under. But where do my feelings fit into that understanding?
94
00:09:09.000 --> 00:09:13.000
I don't want to explain myself out of having them.
95
00:09:13.000 --> 00:09:19.000
One of the things I'm trying to make room for is a more complete answer to how am I doing?
96
00:09:19.000 --> 00:09:27.000
There can be work I'm proud of and something personal I'm struggling with. I can enjoy a conversation and feel exhausted afterward.
97
00:09:27.000 --> 00:09:41.000
I can make a good decision and still grieve the fact that I had to make it. Those things exist in the same day, and I think I need that room because the word functioning can sound so complete, as if it describes the whole person.
98
00:09:41.000 --> 00:09:47.000
Really, it might describe a few things you can observe. Did she show up?
99
00:09:47.000 --> 00:09:50.000
Did she respond? Did she get it done?
100
00:09:50.000 --> 00:09:59.000
Yes. But did she feel safe enough to be honest? Did she. Did she know what she needed? Did she have anything left afterward?
101
00:09:59.000 --> 00:10:04.000
You might need to ask her, and she might need a minute to work out the answer.
102
00:10:04.000 --> 00:10:07.000
I might need a minute.
103
00:10:07.000 --> 00:10:13.000
I also don't want to turn this into another assignment where I have to become excellent at understanding myself.
104
00:10:13.000 --> 00:10:17.000
There is something almost funny about that possibility.
105
00:10:17.000 --> 00:10:24.000
Oh, I see. I've been putting pressure on myself. Let me fix that immediately and do an excellent job of it.
106
00:10:24.000 --> 00:10:30.000
I know that impulse, but I don't think every realization needs a project plan.
107
00:10:30.000 --> 00:10:35.000
Sometimes I need to notice something and resist rushing to improve it.
108
00:10:35.000 --> 00:10:39.000
Notice that I said yes quickly. Notice that I'm irritated.
109
00:10:39.000 --> 00:10:44.000
Notice that I keep thinking about a conversation I told myself was fine.
110
00:10:44.000 --> 00:10:49.000
That information deserves some attention before I turn it into an action.
111
00:10:49.000 --> 00:10:57.000
Especially the irritation, because it's easy to judge myself for feeling resentful about something I agreed to do.
112
00:10:57.000 --> 00:10:59.000
Well, you said yes.
113
00:10:59.000 --> 00:11:06.000
I did, and I can take responsibility for that answer while also asking whether it was an honest one.
114
00:11:06.000 --> 00:11:08.000
Did I have the time?
115
00:11:08.000 --> 00:11:09.000
Did I want to.
116
00:11:09.000 --> 00:11:13.000
Did I think I was allowed to say anything else?
117
00:11:13.000 --> 00:11:19.000
That's a more useful conversation than telling myself I shouldn't feel or what I feel.
118
00:11:19.000 --> 00:11:22.000
I'm not trying to become less capable.
119
00:11:22.000 --> 00:11:28.000
I like being someone who can build, contribute, make decisions and find a way forward.
120
00:11:28.000 --> 00:11:32.000
I want more choice in how I use that ability.
121
00:11:32.000 --> 00:11:41.000
I want to recognize the difference between something I'm excited to take on and something I've accepted before, checking whether I have anything left to give.
122
00:11:41.000 --> 00:11:50.000
And when something painful happens, I want to remember that solving the practical part doesn't mean I'm finished with the emotional part.
123
00:11:50.000 --> 00:11:52.000
I may still need to talk.
124
00:11:52.000 --> 00:11:55.000
I may need time.
125
00:11:55.000 --> 00:11:59.000
I may need to admit that something mattered more than I let on.
126
00:11:59.000 --> 00:12:05.000
None of that is canceled out by the fact that I managed.
127
00:12:05.000 --> 00:12:09.000
If you recognize yourself in this, think about one thing you're handling right.
128
00:12:09.000 --> 00:12:17.000
Just one Something you've already made a plan for, something people might assume you have under control.
129
00:12:17.000 --> 00:12:23.000
If someone asked you how you were doing with it, would you give them a progress report?
130
00:12:23.000 --> 00:12:27.000
Would you tell them what's been arranged, what you've decided? What happens next?
131
00:12:27.000 --> 00:12:32.000
What would your answer be if you couldn't describe a single task?
132
00:12:32.000 --> 00:12:35.000
If you had to say how it feels?
133
00:12:35.000 --> 00:12:38.000
You don't have to tell anyone immediately.
134
00:12:38.000 --> 00:12:42.000
You don't have to have a beautifully worded answer.
135
00:12:42.000 --> 00:12:47.000
I'm interested in whether we give ourselves enough time to find one.
136
00:12:47.000 --> 00:12:49.000
Because I know how to tell you what I'm doing.
137
00:12:49.000 --> 00:12:55.000
I want to get better at recognizing how I am.
138
00:12:55.000 --> 00:12:58.000
Next time, I want to talk about support.
139
00:12:58.000 --> 00:13:03.000
My life has included people who loved me and people who tried to help.
140
00:13:03.000 --> 00:13:08.000
It has also included long stretches when I felt very much on my own.
141
00:13:08.000 --> 00:13:21.000
I want to talk about the help that came in pieces, what it means to have something you can count on, and how complicated receiving support can become when you're used to arranging everything yourself.
142
00:13:21.000 --> 00:13:24.000
For today, I'm leaving myself with this.
143
00:13:24.000 --> 00:13:33.000
Before I ask what I'm going to do about something, can I give myself a moment to notice how I feel about it?
144
00:13:33.000 --> 00:13:40.000
Even if the answer is inconvenient and even if there's nothing I can do to change it yet?
145
00:13:40.000 --> 00:13:59.000
Thanks for spending this time with me. If you recognize something from your own life today, I'd love for you to tell me that story. I'll talk to you next time.