النص الكامل لحلقة Now That's What I Call Parenting Hell... Volume 9

worry. No, 41 00:01:55.810 --> 00:01:56.590 I'm fine. 42 00:01:57.650 --> 00:01:59.260 Think of the numbers, Josh. I've done it. 43 00:01:59.609 --> 00:02:03.609 If he has a heart attack on air, you're all right. 44 00:02:03.650 --> 00:02:05.849 That would get you up the charts, wouldn't it? Not 45 00:02:05.870 --> 00:02:10.560 that you need it, you pair of bastards. Anyway. Sorry, 46 00:02:10.580 --> 00:02:12.979 that's done. God, that really scared me a second. 47 00:02:13.340 --> 00:02:13.860 You're right. 48 00:02:14.199 --> 00:02:18.620 Yeah, just so I felt like I've developed heartburn, I think, 49 00:02:18.680 --> 00:02:21.819 in the last few weeks. And Joe Lycett sent me 50 00:02:21.860 --> 00:02:24.599 a really long message telling me how to sort it. 51 00:02:24.639 --> 00:02:26.719 I think it's one of the sweetest messages I've ever had. 52 00:02:27.310 --> 00:02:30.870 He gave me a blow-by-blow how to control my heartburn. 53 00:02:30.909 --> 00:02:33.830 Well, you need to get that sorted. Anyway, Joe, welcome 54 00:02:33.870 --> 00:02:34.849 to the show, fully. 55 00:02:34.870 --> 00:02:35.060 Thank you. 56 00:02:35.090 --> 00:02:36.530 It's a full welcome. 57 00:02:36.629 --> 00:02:40.250 Parenting hell, and you've got a stepson, is that right? 58 00:02:40.680 --> 00:02:43.080 Yes, I've got a stepson and a stepgranddaughter. 59 00:02:43.099 --> 00:02:45.479 Ooh, Grandad Joe. 60 00:02:46.280 --> 00:02:46.879 Stepgrandad. 61 00:02:47.419 --> 00:02:49.340 Stepgrandad Joe, yes, yes. 62 00:02:49.879 --> 00:02:51.419 And how old's your stepson? 63 00:02:52.439 --> 00:02:53.740 He's 36. 64 00:02:53.740 --> 00:02:55.129 36. Wow. 65 00:02:55.669 --> 00:02:57.969 And step-granddaughter is eight. 66 00:02:58.889 --> 00:03:02.409 So this is my question to you, Joe. Mm-hmm. You 67 00:03:02.810 --> 00:03:07.800 are someone who I'd say is quite... Hot. They overthink 68 00:03:07.840 --> 00:03:12.360 their own... They overthink everything they do. Yeah. Thank you. 69 00:03:13.240 --> 00:03:14.280 Quite self-critical. 70 00:03:14.360 --> 00:03:15.340 Quite self-critical. 71 00:03:15.759 --> 00:03:16.000 Yeah? 72 00:03:16.180 --> 00:03:16.780 Is that fair? 73 00:03:17.180 --> 00:03:18.879 I think that's the fairest thing you've ever said, and 74 00:03:18.939 --> 00:03:20.610 you've said some fair things in your time. 75 00:03:22.639 --> 00:03:27.280 So I can't imagine you turning off your self-criticism and 76 00:03:27.300 --> 00:03:28.080 just playing. 77 00:03:31.280 --> 00:03:32.550 I do, weirdly. 78 00:03:33.009 --> 00:03:36.569 Do you? Is that when you finally let loose? 79 00:03:37.030 --> 00:03:44.120 Yeah, the curtains are drawn, obviously. Yeah, it's weird, yeah. 80 00:03:44.199 --> 00:03:46.639 I've never really thought about it. But yeah, it's just, 81 00:03:46.659 --> 00:03:47.159 is it the real me? 82 00:03:50.370 --> 00:03:50.870 I wonder. 83 00:03:51.810 --> 00:03:53.270 It's let loose a part of you. 84 00:03:53.870 --> 00:03:57.629 Well, you're sort of playing games and stuff and it's fun, 85 00:03:57.689 --> 00:04:01.069 isn't it? And you go, no, and you can't worry 86 00:04:01.090 --> 00:04:05.159 who's watching because you can't stop the playing and going, 87 00:04:05.240 --> 00:04:09.000 hold on, I'm riddled with insecurities and. 88 00:04:11.039 --> 00:04:13.060 Where do they come from? Good question. 89 00:04:13.090 --> 00:04:18.220 LAUGHTER I guess I had very thin arms and I 90 00:04:18.220 --> 00:04:21.420 was incredibly self-conscious about those up until the age of... 91 00:04:21.379 --> 00:04:24.889 I guess even now I'd... Okay, she's gone. 92 00:04:25.069 --> 00:04:25.449 She's gone. 93 00:04:29.449 --> 00:04:31.100 That's a good thing with playing with kids, though, isn't it? 94 00:04:31.129 --> 00:04:33.649 Because you can just let loose and be silly and 95 00:04:33.689 --> 00:04:34.230 no one can. 96 00:04:34.110 --> 00:04:36.290 Judge you if you're playing with a kid. It's fantastic, yeah. 97 00:04:36.670 --> 00:04:37.670 You sort of want to be able to do that 98 00:04:37.689 --> 00:04:40.589 with your mates still, even though we're older, but you can't. 99 00:04:41.029 --> 00:04:42.790 I don't want to do that with my mates, Rob. 100 00:04:43.009 --> 00:04:47.350 I want to have the relationship I have with my 101 00:04:47.389 --> 00:04:51.810 friends as is. I do not want to play a 102 00:04:51.850 --> 00:04:54.699 game where we have to first one to the dishwasher. No, 103 00:04:55.220 --> 00:04:57.060 I don't want to play that. I don't want to 104 00:04:57.079 --> 00:04:58.879 play that with Simon. 105 00:04:58.899 --> 00:04:59.480 David Earl. 106 00:04:59.899 --> 00:05:02.000 David, I've got this idea. 107 00:05:02.420 --> 00:05:03.879 I'd watch you two do that. 108 00:05:06.000 --> 00:05:08.790 I would make sure that never hit YouTube. 109 00:05:09.209 --> 00:05:09.430 Never. 110 00:05:11.329 --> 00:05:13.949 That's a very good question. I'd never thought about that. Yeah, 111 00:05:14.329 --> 00:05:18.129 completely let loose. It is me at my freest, probably. 112 00:05:18.329 --> 00:05:18.649 Is it? 113 00:05:19.189 --> 00:05:27.529 Yeah, probably, yeah. Fuck, that's really left me cold. Wow, 114 00:05:27.589 --> 00:05:31.930 I feel sick. Do you think of the games? 115 00:05:32.910 --> 00:05:33.649 No, no. 116 00:05:33.670 --> 00:05:35.769 Does she think of them, like, and then you pan along? 117 00:05:36.110 --> 00:05:38.350 You're just sort of a person to be marched around? 118 00:05:38.850 --> 00:05:44.410 Yeah, I am marched around. My other half is sort 119 00:05:44.490 --> 00:05:52.110 of like, she adores Petra and I'm a plaything. 120 00:05:52.870 --> 00:05:53.790 Petra's your other half? 121 00:05:53.949 --> 00:05:57.769 Yeah, Petra's my other half, her grandma. She adores her like, 122 00:05:58.209 --> 00:05:59.930 you know, not even close to, you know, I'm like 123 00:06:00.389 --> 00:06:04.449 second fiddle beyond that, obviously. But she knows

that she 124 00:06:04.490 --> 00:06:08.100 has complete and utter control over me. Like she sensed 125 00:06:08.160 --> 00:06:18.069 weakness very early on and she abuses that weakness. to 126 00:06:18.240 --> 00:06:20.040 uh to the full extent so i've. 127 00:06:19.959 --> 00:06:22.100 Been on people on panel shows that were like that. 128 00:06:26.439 --> 00:06:28.819 I think it's quite easy to talk over joe i 129 00:06:29.339 --> 00:06:32.540 think it's quite easy to talk over joe yeah so 130 00:06:32.560 --> 00:06:35.699 if joe goes in for a bit that's when you 131 00:06:35.720 --> 00:06:38.699 should and this is people's agents if you really want 132 00:06:38.720 --> 00:06:43.339 to get some stuff in The best advice I can 133 00:06:43.379 --> 00:06:46.500 give you is when they turn to Joe, get in, 134 00:06:46.519 --> 00:06:54.300 because he will crumble. Yeah, so, yeah, I'm weak, basically. So, yeah, 135 00:06:54.560 --> 00:06:56.160 I'm running about, basically. 136 00:06:56.240 --> 00:06:59.240 But at eight, they do get a bit clever at eight. 137 00:06:59.319 --> 00:07:01.720 They go beyond being little kids to quite manipulative in 138 00:07:01.740 --> 00:07:04.500 sort of a sweet way. And have you found yourself 139 00:07:04.519 --> 00:07:05.959 trying to sort of win her over? 140 00:07:05.980 --> 00:07:11.519 I feel like the relationship is fixed now. Like, I'm 141 00:07:11.550 --> 00:07:14.610 sort of, I've won her over, but I'm also, like, 142 00:07:15.829 --> 00:07:17.610 have no control of anything. 143 00:07:17.629 --> 00:07:21.170 Okay. Does she respect you if you say don't do something? 144 00:07:22.089 --> 00:07:23.769 I can't imagine you telling off a kid. 145 00:07:25.000 --> 00:07:30.379 Well, if Petra's in sight, yeah, you know what I mean? 146 00:07:30.420 --> 00:07:33.860 Because she sort of understands that I can go, Petra, 147 00:07:33.939 --> 00:07:40.639 I'm going to need you to stop that. LAUGHTER A teacher. Yeah, 148 00:07:40.680 --> 00:07:43.579 because I have no... But I have no authority. 149 00:07:43.720 --> 00:07:44.240 I've never. 150 00:07:44.259 --> 00:07:45.829 Have you ever had. 151 00:07:47.879 --> 00:07:50.920 Like someone work for you like have you had a 152 00:07:51.000 --> 00:07:53.360 job because you because you have you both just done 153 00:07:53.379 --> 00:07:56.100 comedy really no no i've done jobs. 154 00:07:55.879 --> 00:07:56.980 But i've always been. 155 00:07:56.759 --> 00:07:59.079 You've been the underling i've. 156 00:07:58.610 --> 00:08:00.949 Been the underling i've never got to a position of 157 00:08:01.110 --> 00:08:03.110 no i've never been in a position. 158 00:08:02.810 --> 00:08:05.250 Of no i i haven't and i wonder what that's 159 00:08:05.410 --> 00:08:08.250 like because i wonder if it's something that you can 160 00:08:08.350 --> 00:08:11.569 learn if you've sort of, if you have to, if 161 00:08:11.610 --> 00:08:14.250 you suddenly start running your own business or something. But 162 00:08:14.269 --> 00:08:16.990 I wonder if I could ever be taken seriously. Like, 163 00:08:17.129 --> 00:08:22.180 I do genuinely wonder if, like, if I ran, like, 164 00:08:22.259 --> 00:08:25.180 a proper company, I wonder if, like, the factory staff 165 00:08:25.199 --> 00:08:29.259 would still just walk past me. Yeah, yeah. Fuck off, mate. 166 00:08:31.459 --> 00:08:33.440 I think I can have you fired. Yeah, go on then. 167 00:08:34.379 --> 00:08:38.590 But I really want you to like me. So I 168 00:08:38.610 --> 00:08:40.649 think I'll just lose money this year. I'll just lose money. 169 00:08:40.710 --> 00:08:41.330 It's fine. 170 00:08:41.350 --> 00:08:43.809 Well, because we have tour managers. 171 00:08:43.830 --> 00:08:45.470 When you have a tour manager, that's sort of someone 172 00:08:45.509 --> 00:08:48.970 working for you, stashed with you. But I find that 173 00:08:49.009 --> 00:08:50.610 quite awkward because, like I say, I've never been like 174 00:08:50.629 --> 00:08:53.710 that where you sort of tell someone, like, not what 175 00:08:53.750 --> 00:08:56.889 to do, but you are going, I want to do this. 176 00:08:57.769 --> 00:09:00.429 And I'm sort of paying you to manage my tour. 177 00:09:00.490 --> 00:09:02.730 And on this tour, I want to leave tomorrow. 178 00:09:02.409 --> 00:09:02.769 At 8 a.m. 179 00:09:03.340 --> 00:09:05.580 however that involves you having to get up and drive 180 00:09:05.620 --> 00:09:08.200 me i am yeah that's true do you want to 181 00:09:08.240 --> 00:09:10.000 do that or not but actually i need. 182 00:09:09.779 --> 00:09:11.059 You to do that because i've got to be in 183 00:09:11.080 --> 00:09:12.100 london at that time so it's. 184 00:09:12.159 --> 00:09:15.600 Awkward yeah the the thing about like agents and stuff 185 00:09:15.620 --> 00:09:19.039 like that they because we're because i think i can 186 00:09:19.059 --> 00:09:23.870 speak for all three of us we're cowards basically And 187 00:09:24.529 --> 00:09:28.200 I imagine you've occasionally gone, I really need to leave 188 00:09:28.220 --> 00:09:32.100 at 8.30 for that. So I'll just quickly talk to Jason, 189 00:09:32.120 --> 00:09:34.570 whoever your agent is, and go, can you quickly send 190 00:09:34.590 --> 00:09:37.350 and just say I'll need to be. I want you 191 00:09:37.370 --> 00:09:41.110 to be gone by 8.30. Because you don't want the proper... Yeah, 192 00:09:41.129 --> 00:09:43.870 you don't want to do it direct. It's pathetic, isn't it? 193 00:09:44.330 --> 00:09:48.850 But anyone who's straightforward about things like that, you respect, 194 00:09:48.889 --> 00:09:50.950 don't you? If someone comes to you and goes, Rob, 195 00:09:50.990 --> 00:09:52.509 I'm going to need you there at 8.30, sorry, because 196 00:09:52.529 --> 00:09:54.250 we're going to be... We need to be on the 197 00:09:54.269 --> 00:09:56.830 road by nine. You don't go, who the fuck are you? 198 00:09:56.909 --> 00:09:57.129 No. 199

00:09:57.389 --> 00:09:58.980 You just go, no, fair enough. I've got all the 200 00:09:59.009 --> 00:10:01.799 information I need and I will be there at 8.30. 201 00:10:01.799 --> 00:10:06.700 Whereas me and you two go, oh, fuck you now. 202 00:10:06.720 --> 00:10:09.480 I can't ask someone to be there at 8.30. That 203 00:10:09.519 --> 00:10:11.960 means I have to get up at eight. I can't 204 00:10:11.980 --> 00:10:14.039 be the person who's made them get up at eight. 205 00:10:14.320 --> 00:10:19.549 Fuck off. It's your tour. And they'll have no problem 206 00:10:19.570 --> 00:10:20.289 with getting up at eight. 207 00:10:20.590 --> 00:10:20.809 Yeah. 208 00:10:21.110 --> 00:10:22.350 It's all in their own heads, isn't it. 209 00:10:22.370 --> 00:10:24.110 I think? Pathetic. Of course it is. Pathetic. 210 00:10:24.129 --> 00:10:27.149 I'll include you two, you pathetic bastards. 211 00:10:27.720 --> 00:10:32.000 Pathetic little boys. See, Joe, this is the real you. 212 00:10:32.059 --> 00:10:35.320 Not the you that's running to the dishwasher. 213 00:10:35.340 --> 00:10:39.929 No, God. No, it feels good to be back. Thanks, guys. 214 00:10:39.970 --> 00:10:43.669 I needed that. Hello, my name's Joe Wilkinson and I 215 00:10:43.690 --> 00:10:45.029 do a podcast with David Earl. 216 00:10:45.070 --> 00:10:45.870 It's called Chatterpix. 217 00:10:46.070 --> 00:10:49.129 Chatterpix is a podcast magazine and chat show, isn't it? 218 00:10:49.149 --> 00:10:49.289 Yeah. 219 00:10:49.330 --> 00:10:51.470 We're on three times a week. We have loads of guests, 220 00:10:51.490 --> 00:10:52.750 special guests, surprise guests. 221 00:10:52.769 --> 00:10:53.950 Can I read some of the highlights? 222 00:10:53.990 --> 00:10:54.190 Yeah. 223 00:10:54.309 --> 00:10:55.970 Interviewing a Red Arrow pilot. 224 00:10:56.009 --> 00:10:57.389 Visiting a haunted house. 225 00:10:57.490 --> 00:11:01.250 Chatting with Ricky Gervais, Harry Hill, James Acaster and Catherine Ryan, 226 00:11:01.269 --> 00:11:01.950 amongst others. 227 00:11:02.070 --> 00:11:04.070 Backstage at the Blur concert at Wembley. 228 00:11:04.110 --> 00:11:06.960 And I met my hero, Angie Roachwood, and I cried. 229 00:11:07.259 --> 00:11:08.240 So that's Chatterpix. 230 00:11:08.279 --> 00:11:10.399 D-H-A-T-A-B-I-X. 231 00:11:10.799 --> 00:11:16.139 Chatterpix. Josh, do you want to lead? Fern Cotton, hello. 232 00:11:16.159 --> 00:11:18.639 We do that every time. 233 00:11:18.700 --> 00:11:20.299 It's like, Rob goes to you and. 234 00:11:20.159 --> 00:11:22.440 Does the intro. It's like, I literally say hello. 235 00:11:22.980 --> 00:11:24.539 That was the intro, hi. 236 00:11:24.559 --> 00:11:26.179 Well, there's an intro beforehand. 237 00:11:26.750 --> 00:11:28.309 I don't need two intros. 238 00:11:28.330 --> 00:11:30.769 No, I think it's embarrassing if you sit there while 239 00:11:30.809 --> 00:11:33.850 we go, Fern Cotton is a star of radio and television. 240 00:11:34.429 --> 00:11:36.870 As I vomit on the floor. 241 00:11:37.210 --> 00:11:37.649 How are you? 242 00:11:38.610 --> 00:11:40.929 Yeah, I'm good, actually. I'm really good. 243 00:11:41.129 --> 00:11:45.149 I feel like a greyhound at the start of a race. 244 00:11:45.190 --> 00:11:47.120 I'm about to be let out. I've got so much 245 00:11:47.129 --> 00:11:47.820 to talk about. 246 00:11:48.460 --> 00:11:50.029 Oh, well, get going. All sorts. 247 00:11:50.149 --> 00:11:54.120 And also just, I love your podcast. Oh, thank you. 248 00:11:54.399 --> 00:11:57.600 This could almost be a sort of, like back in 249 00:11:57.620 --> 00:12:01.100 the day, I did Extra Factor, like the extra bit 250 00:12:01.139 --> 00:12:03.740 of X Factor. I feel like I could do an 251 00:12:03.840 --> 00:12:06.019 extra show of Parenting Health. 252 00:12:06.240 --> 00:12:07.720 Parenting how the kind really. 253 00:12:07.740 --> 00:12:09.460 Yeah, like a debrief show. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 254 00:12:09.480 --> 00:12:12.340 Yeah, I could do that and have guests on and 255 00:12:12.360 --> 00:12:13.759 we discuss what you've said. 256 00:12:13.779 --> 00:12:14.700 I could do that. 257 00:12:15.279 --> 00:12:17.539 Do you know what? Don't rule it out, Fern. Don't 258 00:12:17.580 --> 00:12:18.059 rule it out. 259 00:12:18.610 --> 00:12:19.779 Oh, that would be terrifying. 260 00:12:20.039 --> 00:12:21.950 So we're just going to talk about, you know, Rob 261 00:12:21.970 --> 00:12:23.269 saying he had the shits last week. 262 00:12:24.929 --> 00:12:27.610 No, do you know what was really making me happy? 263 00:12:27.690 --> 00:12:31.929 So I haven't drunk in, like, properly, had, like, more 264 00:12:31.950 --> 00:12:35.049 than a drink. So I haven't had multiple drinks in 265 00:12:35.090 --> 00:12:38.340 the same day for about five years because of being 266 00:12:38.360 --> 00:12:40.840 a parent and I just don't want. 267 00:12:40.740 --> 00:12:41.440 To feel like shit. 268 00:12:41.679 --> 00:12:45.759 But the other day, I had an accidental drunken evening 269 00:12:45.879 --> 00:12:47.720 with my five best. 270 00:12:47.500 --> 00:12:50.870 Mates from school. They're like my crew. 271 00:12:51.879 --> 00:12:55.750 And we went for a casual dinner that went very wrong. 272 00:12:56.750 --> 00:13:00.409 And the next day... I had a lengthy drive home 273 00:13:00.490 --> 00:13:04.690 and I was listening to the Hangover special episode. And 274 00:13:04.769 --> 00:13:08.860 it was like, there was like a visceral resonance to everything. 275 00:13:08.919 --> 00:13:11.679 Like, Josh, even like the tone of your voice. 276 00:13:12.259 --> 00:13:13.039 It was everything. 277 00:13:13.100 --> 00:13:16.149 I was like, oh. Thank you. 278 00:13:16.509 --> 00:13:17.169 Thank you, Josh. 279 00:13:17.210 --> 00:13:19.049 What I don't know if I said on the episode, 280 00:13:19.450 --> 00:13:24.100 because I don't remember really, is we were recording at 10am. 281 00:13:24.919 --> 00:13:26.820 Did I say that I woke

up fully clothed on 282 00:13:26.840 --> 00:13:29.159 my bed? Yeah, yeah, we heard it all. At 9.50. 283 00:13:29.159 --> 00:13:30.120 I don't even remember saying that. 284 00:13:30.139 --> 00:13:31.299 You sounded like absolute shit. 285 00:13:31.620 --> 00:13:35.289 Yeah, you sounded awful. You were like seriously parched. 286 00:13:35.730 --> 00:13:36.330 Oh, yeah. 287 00:13:36.710 --> 00:13:39.529 Very little liquid in that hotel room. The fire alarm 288 00:13:39.549 --> 00:13:40.049 was going off. 289 00:13:40.090 --> 00:13:40.610 It was brilliant. 290 00:13:40.629 --> 00:13:43.519 I actually felt really good about my hangover in comparison 291 00:13:43.559 --> 00:13:44.039 to yours. 292 00:13:44.059 --> 00:13:45.539 I'm glad I could bring that to you. 293 00:13:45.559 --> 00:13:46.600 You did. 294 00:13:46.860 --> 00:13:49.779 Your USP, Josh, is making people feel better about their lives, 295 00:13:49.899 --> 00:13:51.460 which is terrible for you. 296 00:13:53.610 --> 00:13:55.490 You do it so well, it comes so naturally. 297 00:13:55.509 --> 00:13:58.570 Let's hope I never find happiness. The whole country will 298 00:13:58.610 --> 00:13:59.129 be in trouble. 299 00:13:59.149 --> 00:14:03.580 LAUGHTER Fern, how many kids have you got for the uninitiated? 300 00:14:03.799 --> 00:14:04.620 What's the kids set up? 301 00:14:04.840 --> 00:14:10.179 Well, I cover all areas here, the full spectrum. So 302 00:14:10.220 --> 00:14:13.440 we go, we'll start with my stepson, who's 20. He's 303 00:14:13.460 --> 00:14:18.539 a man, actual man. Oh, 20. Actual six foot three man. 304 00:14:18.600 --> 00:14:19.159 Oh, wow. 305 00:14:19.419 --> 00:14:23.570 Yeah, that's the whole thing. And then Lola, my stepdaughter, 306 00:14:23.610 --> 00:14:27.509 who's 17. Then we go down to Rex, my son, 307 00:14:27.610 --> 00:14:29.830 who's nine. And then my daughter. 308 00:14:29.889 --> 00:14:32.879 Who's seven. So we've got a whole cross-section going on. 309 00:14:33.539 --> 00:14:36.960 So how old were your stepkids when you first sort 310 00:14:37.000 --> 00:14:38.899 of met them and entered their lives? 311 00:14:39.240 --> 00:14:42.659 Five and... Nine. Five and nine. 312 00:14:42.679 --> 00:14:44.970 So you've seen him from being little and now he 313 00:14:45.029 --> 00:14:46.210 is just a massive bloke. 314 00:14:46.629 --> 00:14:49.350 Yeah, yeah. That's the crazy thing. Especially with Lola. She 315 00:14:49.370 --> 00:14:52.950 was this tiny, cute little blonde five-year-old. 316 00:14:53.429 --> 00:14:57.240 Adorable. And now she towers over me. Can't fit in 317 00:14:57.269 --> 00:14:57.860 my shoes. 318 00:14:57.879 --> 00:14:58.799 She's like a woman. 319 00:14:58.919 --> 00:15:00.879 It's just the whole thing is mad. 320 00:15:01.080 --> 00:15:06.220 Oh, wow. When you've got a 20-year-old stepson, are you still... 321 00:15:07.159 --> 00:15:09.460 The step mum, are you now kind of almost just 322 00:15:09.600 --> 00:15:12.200 a kind of a mate?

Do you know what I mean? 323 00:15:12.240 --> 00:15:14.019 I'm not cool enough to be a mate. I mean, 324 00:15:14.070 --> 00:15:15.509 there's still that sort of thing. 325 00:15:15.529 --> 00:15:15.590 No. 326 00:15:16.090 --> 00:15:19.990 When it's your kids or step kids, you can't impress them. 327 00:15:20.070 --> 00:15:22.769 It is impossible. So I am just some sort of. 328 00:15:22.789 --> 00:15:24.850 You must be a cool mum first, surely. If you're not, 329 00:15:24.909 --> 00:15:25.720 what hope have we got? 330 00:15:26.149 --> 00:15:30.179 No, no. Josh is panicking. The rule stands for everyone. 331 00:15:30.200 --> 00:15:35.470 I am just an embarrassment and I can't impress them. 332 00:15:35.809 --> 00:15:37.389 I try and impress my stepkids. 333 00:15:37.450 --> 00:15:39.850 I'm like, would this be a cool thing to admit 334 00:15:39.870 --> 00:15:42.090 that I've interviewed this person? 335 00:15:42.250 --> 00:15:46.100 Literally not interested. So, no, I'm definitely not in mate territory. 336 00:15:46.240 --> 00:15:46.779 I'm still. 337 00:15:47.519 --> 00:15:50.139 tragic step-mom really trying to be cool. 338 00:15:50.159 --> 00:15:54.070 But also, I'm writing this, aren't I? That their granddad 339 00:15:54.450 --> 00:15:56.110 is one of the coolest men in the world, right? 340 00:15:56.409 --> 00:15:58.269 Yeah, they do think he's cool, but he's like next 341 00:15:58.309 --> 00:16:01.090 level cool. So that's... Who's their granddad? 342 00:16:01.110 --> 00:16:03.649 Ronnie Wood from Rolling Stones. Oh, yes. 343 00:16:03.840 --> 00:16:04.419 Ronnie Wood. 344 00:16:05.220 --> 00:16:07.960 So however edgy your story is about going for a 345 00:16:08.000 --> 00:16:11.480 few drinks with your mates are... I won't touch the sides. 346 00:16:12.220 --> 00:16:16.000 Won't touch the sides. He can quite literally trump any 347 00:16:16.080 --> 00:16:17.120 story that I tell. 348 00:16:19.639 --> 00:16:21.330 Does he do normal grandad things? 349 00:16:21.830 --> 00:16:23.250 Or is he not? Yeah, sometimes. 350 00:16:23.269 --> 00:16:26.629 I mean, he's got... This is the other. Our family's 351 00:16:26.669 --> 00:16:27.309 quite intense. 352 00:16:27.370 --> 00:16:29.889 So he's got five-year-old twins. 353 00:16:30.090 --> 00:16:31.070 Oh, wow. 354 00:16:31.490 --> 00:16:37.980 My husband, who's 46, has got five-year-old sisters. And Arthur, 355 00:16:38.000 --> 00:16:41.059 who's 20, has got aunties that are five. 356 00:16:41.080 --> 00:16:41.580 Wow. 357 00:16:42.460 --> 00:16:42.919 Oh, my God. 358 00:16:43.000 --> 00:16:44.139 It's like Game of Thrones. 359 00:16:44.659 --> 00:16:48.639 It is like Game of Thrones. It really is. It's 360 00:16:48.750 --> 00:16:50.730 quite extraordinary. So, yeah, there's a lot to get your 361 00:16:50.750 --> 00:16:51.149 head around. 362 00:16:51.169 --> 00:16:52.409 Game of Stones. 363 00:16:52.429 --> 00:16:52.850 Game of Stones. 364 00:16:52.870 --> 00:16:53.769 That's really good. 365 00:16:53.850 --> 00:16:55.529 You've peaked five minutes in. 366 00:16:55.570 --> 00:16:57.090 We're doomed. I'll tap out now. 367 00:16:57.129 --> 00:16:59.289 Josh, you crack on a bit. That'll do me for 368 00:16:59.309 --> 00:16:59.620 the day. 369 00:17:01.370 --> 00:17:05.650 Do the stepkids help with the younger kids? 370 00:17:05.910 --> 00:17:07.170 We're doing an honest podcast. 371 00:17:08.210 --> 00:17:08.930 Lola does. 372 00:17:08.970 --> 00:17:09.130 No. 373 00:17:09.829 --> 00:17:13.309 No, Lola does. Lola is really good. Arthur is in 374 00:17:13.329 --> 00:17:16.500 his last year of uni at Newcastle. He's having the 375 00:17:16.559 --> 00:17:20.000 time of his life. Looking after his small siblings is 376 00:17:20.359 --> 00:17:22.720 not on the agenda. It's not high on the priority list. 377 00:17:23.140 --> 00:17:26.240 But Lola is very helpful. She'll babysit for us occasionally, 378 00:17:26.269 --> 00:17:30.329 and she is just a very helpful person. So, yes, 379 00:17:30.490 --> 00:17:32.690 one of them does. But, you know, I'm not dissing 380 00:17:32.769 --> 00:17:36.250 Arthur live on a podcast. Arthur is an amazing, amazing 381 00:17:36.269 --> 00:17:38.740 young man, and I love him. He's just got other 382 00:17:38.779 --> 00:17:40.470 things on his agenda right now. 383 00:17:40.480 --> 00:17:41.980 When I was 20, there was no way I would 384 00:17:42.000 --> 00:17:44.140 have looked after a young kid. Absolutely not. 385 00:17:44.500 --> 00:17:44.920 No way. 386 00:17:45.140 --> 00:17:45.640 Would you, Rob? 387 00:17:45.779 --> 00:17:46.160 Are you all right? 388 00:17:46.180 --> 00:17:48.130 What's happened there, Rob? No, absolutely not. I've just dropped something. 389 00:17:48.930 --> 00:17:51.309 It's my wedding ring. It's your wedding ring? That sounds bad, 390 00:17:51.369 --> 00:17:51.779 doesn't it? 391 00:17:51.789 --> 00:17:53.259 That's ominous, yeah. 392 00:17:53.380 --> 00:17:55.380 I'm in Soho alone. Let's lose it. 393 00:17:58.720 --> 00:18:00.339 Yeah, no, at 20, you don't want to be looking 394 00:18:00.380 --> 00:18:02.240 after young kids. I mean, it's hard enough for us 395 00:18:02.299 --> 00:18:04.319 when there are kids, so why would he want to 396 00:18:04.339 --> 00:18:05.940 do that with his siblings? 397 00:18:06.039 --> 00:18:06.259 No. 398 00:18:06.559 --> 00:18:09.220 So at one point, did you have teenagers in the 399 00:18:09.240 --> 00:18:10.559 house and then newborn babies? 400 00:18:10.579 --> 00:18:11.460 Small kids, yeah. 401 00:18:11.519 --> 00:18:14.559 There was a very intense period where Honey was a newborn, 402 00:18:14.619 --> 00:18:19.119 Rex was two, Lola was probably ten, I can't do 403 00:18:19.140 --> 00:18:22.630 the maths, or a bit older, and Arthur was a teenager. 404 00:18:22.690 --> 00:18:23.269 I mean, it was. 405 00:18:24.460 --> 00:18:25.420 I don't know how we did it. 406 00:18:25.460 --> 00:18:27.950 Like, I look back and we take all four on 407

00:18:27.990 --> 00:18:30.630 holiday still every year. Like, that is an absolute must. 408 00:18:30.670 --> 00:18:33.990 We've done it consistently for the last 12 years. That's 409 00:18:34.009 --> 00:18:34.769 not a holiday. 410 00:18:34.789 --> 00:18:36.009 No, why? 411 00:18:36.450 --> 00:18:38.250 Because they all want to do different things, I imagine, 412 00:18:38.269 --> 00:18:40.930 don't they? Where do you go? Where are you going 413 00:18:40.970 --> 00:18:42.519 on holiday to keep. 414 00:18:41.970 --> 00:18:42.539 Them all happy? 415 00:18:42.660 --> 00:18:43.240 Do you know what? 416 00:18:43.299 --> 00:18:47.859 We do a lot of Ibiza because it does cover everyone. 417 00:18:47.880 --> 00:18:51.259 Arthur can go out on the piss. Lola can have 418 00:18:51.339 --> 00:18:53.740 nice little meals with us. the little ones have got 419 00:18:53.759 --> 00:18:56.000 a nice beach yeah so that's sort of but it 420 00:18:56.140 --> 00:18:59.049 is every like we'll be getting up super early still 421 00:18:59.069 --> 00:19:02.630 because obviously there's no line on a holiday and we 422 00:19:02.650 --> 00:19:04.410 want to go to the beach but then arthur gets 423 00:19:04.609 --> 00:19:07.829 up and we're sort of having lunch it's just it's 424 00:19:07.890 --> 00:19:09.009 yeah it doesn't. 425 00:19:08.809 --> 00:19:11.809 Work yeah that isn't it's a spread isn't it that's 426 00:19:11.829 --> 00:19:12.910 the problem. 427 00:19:12.930 --> 00:19:16.509 Yeah it's really hard So how does it work now? 428 00:19:16.569 --> 00:19:20.049 So Arthur's at uni. Yeah. And, sorry, how old did 429 00:19:20.089 --> 00:19:21.990 you say Rex and Honey are now? Five and seven? 430 00:19:22.049 --> 00:19:25.099 Rex is, no, Rex is nine and Honey's seven. 431 00:19:25.720 --> 00:19:26.460 Nine and seven. 432 00:19:27.039 --> 00:19:29.519 They're good ages. Nine and seven I'm really enjoying. They 433 00:19:29.539 --> 00:19:30.940 are good ages, right, yeah. 434 00:19:30.980 --> 00:19:34.279 Yeah, it feels like I'm probably getting, because your kids 435 00:19:34.400 --> 00:19:36.680 are a lot, well, not a lot younger, but they're younger, 436 00:19:36.720 --> 00:19:39.390 so it's still quite a lot of practical stuff, isn't there? 437 00:19:39.410 --> 00:19:41.549 I think I'm just coming out of that now. 438 00:19:41.930 --> 00:19:43.910 So it's less labour intensive, but they haven't got the 439 00:19:43.950 --> 00:19:44.569 attitude yet. 440 00:19:45.799 --> 00:19:47.460 Well, Rex is on the cusp at nine. 441 00:19:47.549 --> 00:19:48.890 Already Rex is on. 442 00:19:48.829 --> 00:19:51.519 The cusp he's 10 in the new year we're hurtling 443 00:19:51.599 --> 00:19:54.119 towards that team thing and there's some sort of hormonal 444 00:19:54.150 --> 00:19:56.859 stuff probably going on we're on the cusp you know 445 00:19:57.099 --> 00:19:59.079 you know there's like you're an idiot that sort of 446 00:19:59.119 --> 00:20:01.779 thing going on you're an idiot how do. 447 00:20:01.759 --> 00:20:04.920 You deal with that are you oh not well no 448 00:20:06.059 --> 00:20:07.640 Not well. Who likes that? 449 00:20:07.660 --> 00:20:09.619 I don't like being called an idiot. I hate being 450 00:20:09.640 --> 00:20:12.220 called an idiot. No, I don't deal with it well. 451 00:20:12.259 --> 00:20:14.180 I don't deal with any of it well. And it depends, 452 00:20:14.200 --> 00:20:14.480 doesn't it? 453 00:20:14.500 --> 00:20:17.579 Like some days when you're not tired, you feel like, yeah, 454 00:20:17.599 --> 00:20:19.920 I can really cope with the emotional hurdles here. And 455 00:20:19.940 --> 00:20:22.599 then other days you just think, I'm locking myself in 456 00:20:22.680 --> 00:20:23.380 a cupboard. 457 00:20:23.420 --> 00:20:26.160 I can't deal with it. It's hard. But I think, 458 00:20:26.180 --> 00:20:28.900 you know, the worst is yet to come, probably. 459 00:20:29.440 --> 00:20:31.029 That's a nice way of looking at it. 460 00:20:31.730 --> 00:20:34.170 And that must be weird because you've. 461 00:20:34.029 --> 00:20:36.930 Kind of lived those teenage years once. So you kind 462 00:20:36.990 --> 00:20:38.589 of know what you've got coming up, right? 463 00:20:39.049 --> 00:20:39.730 Yeah, but do you know what? 464 00:20:39.750 --> 00:20:46.329 My stepkids navigated teenhood really brilliantly. There weren't many huge 465 00:20:46.930 --> 00:20:50.170 problems and there wasn't that much attitude. Like obviously just 466 00:20:50.210 --> 00:20:53.819 the usual dose, but nothing extreme. So I think I 467 00:20:53.839 --> 00:20:56.039 got off quite lightly with Arthur and Lola. 468 00:20:56.059 --> 00:20:59.160 That's good. So you're about to get your comeuppance? 469 00:20:59.920 --> 00:21:02.220 Yeah, they've always sort of, we've never had a set thing. 470 00:21:02.259 --> 00:21:05.779 They've just sort of come and gone whenever. It's always 471 00:21:05.819 --> 00:21:08.259 been quite a loose arrangement. So we've had them for 472 00:21:08.720 --> 00:21:11.119 two days. We've had them for two months. You know, 473 00:21:11.339 --> 00:21:14.059 it's been quite sort of, oh, we'll have them. 474 00:21:14.000 --> 00:21:14.819 For this period. 475 00:21:14.880 --> 00:21:17.319 And then, you know, obviously Arthur's at uni now. And 476 00:21:17.339 --> 00:21:18.000 then Lola's 17. 477 00:21:17.980 --> 00:21:19.980 So she just sort of, she's been with us this 478 00:21:20.059 --> 00:21:21.569 last week, which has been really lovely. 479 00:21:21.589 --> 00:21:21.670 Yeah. 480 00:21:23.269 --> 00:21:26.289 But, yeah, now they're that bit older. 481 00:21:26.349 --> 00:21:28.369 They've got, I guess, a bit more autonomy, so they 482 00:21:28.789 --> 00:21:31.089 hang out with us when they want to, versus when 483 00:21:31.109 --> 00:21:33.410 they were tiny, it was a lot more about. 484 00:21:33.410 --> 00:21:34.549 Who was practically doing what. 485 00:21:34.569 --> 00:21:35.690 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 486

00:21:36.190 --> 00:21:39.880 But the lovely thing is, and I'm so grateful for this, 487 00:21:40.240 --> 00:21:43.079 all four kids get on so well. 488 00:21:43.099 --> 00:21:44.279 Oh, that's nice. 489 00:21:44.299 --> 00:21:48.319 And there's no half-sibling about it. They're just siblings, and 490 00:21:48.380 --> 00:21:51.480 that's been... you know, I think really important for me 491 00:21:51.500 --> 00:21:54.069 and Jessie is that they all feel like they're just 492 00:21:54.109 --> 00:21:59.309 siblings and it's just one big chaotic family and everyone's 493 00:21:59.609 --> 00:22:02.170 adjusted over the years really well to all the changes 494 00:22:02.509 --> 00:22:03.569 and they just all get on. 495 00:22:04.150 --> 00:22:05.390 That's so good, isn't it? 496 00:22:05.490 --> 00:22:05.809 Yeah. 497 00:22:05.950 --> 00:22:08.299 That is, that is nice. I think that the idea of, 498 00:22:08.309 --> 00:22:11.980 because when, like to go on holiday with all four 499 00:22:12.019 --> 00:22:14.710 of them, Was there a point when you thought Arthur's 500 00:22:14.730 --> 00:22:16.849 going to dap out of this? Because he's, do you 501 00:22:16.869 --> 00:22:18.509 know when you're 20, you're like, oh, do I want 502 00:22:18.529 --> 00:22:19.529 to go on the family holiday? 503 00:22:19.549 --> 00:22:19.990 Of course he does. 504 00:22:20.009 --> 00:22:21.150 He wants a free holiday. 505 00:22:21.670 --> 00:22:25.630 He's not ditching out on the family holiday just yet. 506 00:22:25.670 --> 00:22:27.250 He's getting a lovely free holiday. 507 00:22:27.910 --> 00:22:29.430 Fair enough. 508 00:22:29.450 --> 00:22:32.150 When you're stepkids, is it like, do you not get 509 00:22:32.190 --> 00:22:34.210 as involved with sort of telling them off or setting 510 00:22:34.259 --> 00:22:36.799 boundaries or sort of, is it a little bit more passive? 511 00:22:37.500 --> 00:22:39.819 Yeah, that's been really tricky, actually. 512 00:22:39.859 --> 00:22:44.319 I've definitely found that one hard. I think because their 513 00:22:44.380 --> 00:22:47.730 love and respect for you isn't a given. Whereas with 514 00:22:47.769 --> 00:22:49.349 your kids, you know, at the end of the day, 515 00:22:49.369 --> 00:22:51.869 if they fall over and hurt themselves or someone's being mean, 516 00:22:51.890 --> 00:22:55.450 they will run to you because it's just an instinctive thing. 517 00:22:55.470 --> 00:22:58.960 Whereas I think with your stepkids, for me personally, I've 518 00:22:59.000 --> 00:23:01.059 definitely had a bit more insecurity. 519 00:23:01.099 --> 00:23:02.619 Like, oh, if I say that, are they going to 520 00:23:02.779 --> 00:23:05.740 really hate my guts? And how do I... make it 521 00:23:05.819 --> 00:23:07.220 up to them or recover from that. 522 00:23:07.099 --> 00:23:10.700 So i have found that really tricky to navigate and 523 00:23:10.759 --> 00:23:12.609 it's something i've talked to jesse a lot about and 524 00:23:12.880 --> 00:23:14.670 he's always been like no you know treat them the 525 00:23:14.710 --> 00:23:17.789 same as rex and honey but i i have definitely 526 00:23:17.890 --> 00:23:23.670 found that quite hard quite quite a tricky concept yeah. 527 00:23:23.150 --> 00:23:25.769 Have you ever tripped yourself up by trying to be 528 00:23:25.809 --> 00:23:28.089 too too friendly and like i'll get you this you 529 00:23:28.109 --> 00:23:29.670 know sort of trying to like bribe them and win 530 00:23:29.690 --> 00:23:31.029 them over oh yeah. 531 00:23:31.250 --> 00:23:35.869 Of course i have absolutely Absolutely. Yeah, there was a 532 00:23:35.910 --> 00:23:37.069 lot of that in the early days. 533 00:23:37.109 --> 00:23:38.930 Buy your way in. 534 00:23:38.970 --> 00:23:40.910 Yeah, buy your way in. Also, because it was an 535 00:23:40.990 --> 00:23:41.910 absolute novelty. 536 00:23:41.950 --> 00:23:44.720 Like when I first met Jesse, I'd never dated anyone 537 00:23:44.740 --> 00:23:45.460 with kids before. 538 00:23:45.519 --> 00:23:48.140 So I was like, oh, my God, this is so fun. 539 00:23:48.180 --> 00:23:51.519 This is just we're going to go to giraffe for 540 00:23:51.559 --> 00:23:54.240 lunch and go bowling. And, you know, I've never done 541 00:23:54.299 --> 00:23:56.420 all that stuff before. I've been like on the piss 542 00:23:56.460 --> 00:23:57.869 for 10 years consistently. 543 00:23:57.880 --> 00:23:58.049 So yeah. 544 00:23:59.880 --> 00:24:00.900 That was a real novelty. 545 00:24:00.920 --> 00:24:04.180 And I think then, you know, as that gets very 546 00:24:04.299 --> 00:24:06.200 real and you're like, oh my God, I actually am 547 00:24:06.240 --> 00:24:09.220 responsible for these children for a certain portion of the year. 548 00:24:09.319 --> 00:24:11.880 And also I need to sort of be here to 549 00:24:11.920 --> 00:24:13.819 help guide them if they need me in life. I 550 00:24:13.839 --> 00:24:16.079 think that's where you start to go, oh, okay, this 551 00:24:16.140 --> 00:24:18.000 isn't just a novelty. This isn't just sort of me 552 00:24:18.720 --> 00:24:19.220 taking them. 553 00:24:19.160 --> 00:24:21.829 To giraffe for lunch. There's actually, there's like a lot, 554 00:24:21.869 --> 00:24:22.750 there's more to it. 555 00:24:22.789 --> 00:24:25.890 There's more to parenting than giraffe. 556 00:24:26.009 --> 00:24:26.750 Supposedly. 557 00:24:26.769 --> 00:24:26.849 Yeah. 558 00:24:31.299 --> 00:24:33.259 Welcome to the podcast, Dan Schreiber. 559 00:24:33.640 --> 00:24:35.240 Hello. Thanks for having me, guys. 560 00:24:35.309 --> 00:24:37.789 We are very excited to have you, Dan. Well, I've 561 00:24:37.809 --> 00:24:38.910 not seen you for ages. 562 00:24:38.970 --> 00:24:42.150 We've gigged together years ago, and then you've gone on 563 00:24:42.250 --> 00:24:45.470 to massive success with No Such Thing As A Fish podcast. 564 00:24:45.490 --> 00:24:46.609 Do you still do stand-up, Dan? 565 00:24:47.210 --> 00:24:47.890 No, I haven't

done it. 566 00:24:47.930 --> 00:24:50.549 I do it as part of the podcast because we 567 00:24:50.569 --> 00:24:52.250 do live shows and we have a first half. So 568 00:24:52.289 --> 00:24:54.630 I sort of put a bit together for that. But 569 00:24:54.670 --> 00:24:57.559 you and I, we were actually flatmates in Edinburgh many 570 00:24:57.599 --> 00:25:00.099 years ago for about a week period. 571 00:25:00.119 --> 00:25:00.960 It was like a week. 572 00:25:01.000 --> 00:25:01.779 Where was that? 573 00:25:02.119 --> 00:25:02.900 Which one was that? 574 00:25:03.019 --> 00:25:05.240 Could I just say, I've never been more pleased the 575 00:25:05.279 --> 00:25:08.660 cameras are on because Beckett's confused face at that point 576 00:25:08.700 --> 00:25:12.089 has blown my mind. How do I not know you 577 00:25:12.109 --> 00:25:12.930 were my flatmate? 578 00:25:14.559 --> 00:25:17.339 Fuck was it that Hills J goes flat. 579 00:25:17.700 --> 00:25:20.319 No no I was staying with Eric Lampere and Rhys 580 00:25:20.359 --> 00:25:23.099 James and Lloyd Griffiths and you came and you just 581 00:25:23.200 --> 00:25:24.509 crashed on our floor for. 582 00:25:24.480 --> 00:25:27.009 A week yes I remember that yeah so do you 583 00:25:27.369 --> 00:25:30.009 do you I do now but basically Lloyd was up 584 00:25:30.049 --> 00:25:32.410 there staying with you and Rhys but I remember I 585 00:25:32.430 --> 00:25:34.930 just slept on Lloyd's floor for five nights but I 586 00:25:34.970 --> 00:25:37.430 was pissed for five days because I didn't do a 587 00:25:37.450 --> 00:25:39.849 gig I just came up on a jolly and I 588 00:25:39.869 --> 00:25:41.990 remember now seeing you sort of in the kitchen did 589 00:25:42.029 --> 00:25:44.279 I give you any money for that No, I don't 590 00:25:44.299 --> 00:25:44.640 think so. 591 00:25:44.660 --> 00:25:49.680 There's always been a mystery about this house. There was, 592 00:25:49.700 --> 00:25:51.519 I remember coming home one day, I think this was 593 00:25:51.559 --> 00:25:53.200 in the period when you were staying with us, where 594 00:25:53.240 --> 00:25:55.369 I went to the bathroom and up by the bathroom, 595 00:25:55.490 --> 00:25:57.869 there was a sort of like hand towel bit just 596 00:25:57.910 --> 00:25:59.690 by the sink where you could, you know, wipe your hands. 597 00:26:00.130 --> 00:26:01.450 I was looking at it one day and it was 598 00:26:01.490 --> 00:26:02.799 just smeared in shit. 599 00:26:02.819 --> 00:26:03.079 Yeah. 600 00:26:03.470 --> 00:26:06.460 Like, just, like, flat out, someone had wiped their ass 601 00:26:06.539 --> 00:26:06.839 on it. 602 00:26:07.519 --> 00:26:09.700 But then just put it back. I blame Lloyd. 603 00:26:10.339 --> 00:26:11.720 That is unbelievable. 604 00:26:11.740 --> 00:26:13.460 Sorry, I need to apologise because. 605 00:26:13.500 --> 00:26:14.380 Well, because of the towel? 606 00:26:14.660 --> 00:26:16.440 No, so I think the problem me and Lloyd had 607 00:26:16.500 --> 00:26:19.799 in the world of comedy was we're not geezers in 608 00:26:19.920 --> 00:26:23.309 our world of Grimsby and South East London. We're the lovey-dovey. 609 00:26:23.369 --> 00:26:25.329 So we sort of assume that we aren't being that 610 00:26:25.369 --> 00:26:26.309 badly behaved. 611 00:26:26.430 --> 00:26:30.269 But then I think, actually, we were awful. Well, I'm sorry, 612 00:26:30.329 --> 00:26:33.309 but if in Grimsby, wiping your arse on a towel 613 00:26:33.329 --> 00:26:35.630 and putting it back is the lovey-dovey world. 614 00:26:35.690 --> 00:26:41.240 No, they save the towel for best in Grimsby. Anyway, Dan, 615 00:26:41.279 --> 00:26:43.299 it's great to see you again after sharing a flat 616 00:26:43.380 --> 00:26:47.089 that I forgot about for five nights. Is it flatmates 617 00:26:47.150 --> 00:26:48.130 if it's five nights, though? 618 00:26:48.730 --> 00:26:49.130 I think so. 619 00:26:49.150 --> 00:26:51.950 Well, if I meet someone, I tend to say they're friends. Like, Josh, 620 00:26:51.970 --> 00:26:53.839 I've only bumped into you twice. And I'll say, my 621 00:26:53.880 --> 00:26:56.660 friend Josh. Like, I just do that. 622 00:26:56.680 --> 00:26:59.000 Why not? Why not? The fact you know you've bumped 623 00:26:59.039 --> 00:27:02.160 into me twice, you've got an encyclopedic knowledge of when 624 00:27:02.180 --> 00:27:03.819 you met people. Rob did sleep on your floor for 625 00:27:03.859 --> 00:27:05.299 five days, so you should know that. 626 00:27:05.720 --> 00:27:07.640 So, Dan, can you introduce us to your, how many 627 00:27:07.680 --> 00:27:09.420 children have you got? Let's get this out first and 628 00:27:09.460 --> 00:27:10.640 foremost before we crack on. 629 00:27:10.990 --> 00:27:13.130 I have three kids and I heard my third kid 630 00:27:13.130 --> 00:27:14.009 12 days ago. 631 00:27:14.029 --> 00:27:16.420 Oh my word. 632 00:27:16.539 --> 00:27:19.220 I'm fresh. Yeah. Third time. It doesn't get any easier. 633 00:27:19.400 --> 00:27:20.099 I've worked out. 634 00:27:20.299 --> 00:27:20.740 Who knew? 635 00:27:20.759 --> 00:27:23.430 Yeah. That's good to know because when you've got two, 636 00:27:23.470 --> 00:27:25.529 you sort of think, well, we're so good at it now. 637 00:27:25.650 --> 00:27:26.339 What's another one? 638 00:27:26.690 --> 00:27:26.910 Yeah. 639 00:27:27.269 --> 00:27:29.130 All the stuff that I forgot has just come back. 640 00:27:29.150 --> 00:27:31.630 The sleepless nights that I thought, God, were they this 641 00:27:31.690 --> 00:27:33.369 bad last time? And I spoke to a friend and 642 00:27:33.390 --> 00:27:35.099 they said, yeah, you were this out of it the 643 00:27:35.119 --> 00:27:35.839 other time as well. 644 00:27:35.859 --> 00:27:36.599 Oh, my God. 645 00:27:36.759 --> 00:27:38.539 It just doesn't get easier. But now you've got two 646 00:27:38.599 --> 00:27:40.740 little ones to deal with as well at the same time. 647 00:27:41.019 -->

00:27:43.500 And they're sleeping patterns. And so I've got a five-year-old, 648 00:27:43.539 --> 00:27:45.640 a two-and-a-half-year-old, and then now a 12-day-old. 649 00:27:46.180 --> 00:27:48.759 So talk me through the last 12 hours of your 650 00:27:48.799 --> 00:27:51.799 life from 11 p.m. last night to now. 651 00:27:51.920 --> 00:27:54.099 You sure there's not just shit on your tail and you're. 652 00:27:54.019 --> 00:27:55.160 Thinking it's from the flat? 653 00:27:55.240 --> 00:27:55.640 Yeah. 654 00:27:57.509 --> 00:27:59.809 OK, so the first thing I forgot happens is that 655 00:28:00.029 --> 00:28:01.910 you dread the night in a way where the lack 656 00:28:01.930 --> 00:28:04.890 of sleep becomes so great that when you first wake 657 00:28:04.990 --> 00:28:07.779 up for the first feed and it's something like 2 a.m., 658 00:28:08.079 --> 00:28:09.759 you kind of go, thank God it's 2 a.m. At 659 00:28:09.799 --> 00:28:12.480 least we're a bit into the evening. Last night was 660 00:28:12.539 --> 00:28:15.259 the horror of waking up. And discovering it was 10.30pm 661 00:28:15.319 --> 00:28:20.829 and already feeling knackered and being like, fuck. And so, yeah, 662 00:28:20.869 --> 00:28:22.589 it was a long one last night. And then we've 663 00:28:22.619 --> 00:28:25.009 got two kids who still come into our bed all 664 00:28:25.029 --> 00:28:27.769 the time. And so we're dealing with this kind of 665 00:28:27.910 --> 00:28:30.349 jigsaw piece of how do we, because we have Kit, 666 00:28:30.410 --> 00:28:31.769 my new son, in the bed next to us. 667 00:28:31.769 --> 00:28:32.190 New son? 668 00:28:33.809 --> 00:28:34.390 My latest son. 669 00:28:34.430 --> 00:28:34.990 My new one. 670 00:28:35.589 --> 00:28:37.890 My new EP. My new drop. Is it right you're 671 00:28:37.910 --> 00:28:38.950 promoting him on this, yeah? 672 00:28:39.509 --> 00:28:39.670 Yeah. 673 00:28:42.109 --> 00:28:42.609 I love him. 674 00:28:42.990 --> 00:28:47.539 I've got this new son, Kit, yeah. He's available to babysit. 675 00:28:47.079 --> 00:28:48.519 At any time. 676 00:28:48.559 --> 00:28:50.319 I mean, the reason we tried for a third kid 677 00:28:50.339 --> 00:28:51.960 is because we wanted a little girl. We thought that'd 678 00:28:51.980 --> 00:28:54.299 be really nice. Oh, that's good for him to hear 679 00:28:54.359 --> 00:28:56.539 in a few years, isn't it? Yeah, I hope he 680 00:28:56.579 --> 00:28:58.990 comes back to these shows and understands how loved he is. 681 00:28:59.329 --> 00:29:00.809 It's quite funny, actually, because we went and we got 682 00:29:00.829 --> 00:29:02.990 a private scan to see if it was a boy 683 00:29:03.009 --> 00:29:05.049 or a girl. And we hadn't told the person doing 684 00:29:05.069 --> 00:29:08.329 the scan that we'd had kids before. And so she 685 00:29:08.349 --> 00:29:10.059 did this big thing where it was a big reveal 686 00:29:10.079 --> 00:29:13.799 with lights. The whole room went blue. i know it 687 00:29:13.819 --> 00:29:17.299 was like a real kind of like 4d experience but 688 00:29:17.380 --> 00:29:20.019 she went it's a boy and both me and finella 689 00:29:20.039 --> 00:29:21.480 just went oh fuck. 690 00:29:26.279 --> 00:29:28.619 She was yeah so confused are you. 691 00:29:28.529 --> 00:29:30.670 Gonna go for a fourth then continue the hunt for 692 00:29:30.789 --> 00:29:34.109 no well god no give it a couple of years 693 00:29:34.509 --> 00:29:35.670 chase it down i. 694 00:29:35.630 --> 00:29:37.990 Know because we'll forget you're right we will forget and 695 00:29:38.029 --> 00:29:40.049 then just go again and then have another. 696 00:29:39.869 --> 00:29:43.119 Boy yeah but you're so positive and relaxed dan because 697 00:29:43.160 --> 00:29:45.980 like yeah we've met obviously we're flatmates but obviously. 698 00:29:45.640 --> 00:29:48.569 We're flatmates obviously that goes without saying that goes without 699 00:29:48.619 --> 00:29:53.109 saying that we were flatmates the old shit smear sisters 700 00:29:53.150 --> 00:29:56.250 you know me beckett and shribe old shes beckett and 701 00:29:56.289 --> 00:29:57.329 shriver back on the. 702 00:29:57.309 --> 00:29:57.990 Sofa again. 703 00:30:00.019 --> 00:30:02.829 But whenever I come away from gigging with you, I'm like, 704 00:30:03.109 --> 00:30:05.250 I feel happier now because I've been in the company 705 00:30:05.269 --> 00:30:06.009 of Dan Schreiber. 706 00:30:06.329 --> 00:30:08.869 So how are you still this jolly with a 12-day-old son? 707 00:30:09.730 --> 00:30:12.000 Yeah, no, I guess that's just my way of being, really. 708 00:30:12.160 --> 00:30:13.119 I'm fairly happy. 709 00:30:13.359 --> 00:30:16.420 I really related when I've been reading and listening in– 710 00:30:17.019 --> 00:30:18.680 Sort of like I'll listen to a chapter and then 711 00:30:18.700 --> 00:30:20.940 go back and read bits of your book, Parenting Hell. 712 00:30:21.119 --> 00:30:23.130 And there's so much I relate. 713 00:30:22.869 --> 00:30:25.930 To, particularly the chapters with both your wives talking about 714 00:30:26.210 --> 00:30:28.390 the relationship that you guys have with your kids versus 715 00:30:28.430 --> 00:30:31.630 the relationship within the family household. It's exactly the same thing. 716 00:30:31.769 --> 00:30:33.430 That makes me worried for you, Dan. 717 00:30:34.130 --> 00:30:38.500 But I know where you're at, so I'm there. That's 718 00:30:38.519 --> 00:30:40.730 the same. We're all in the shit. 719 00:30:40.789 --> 00:30:42.859 So let's rejoin you. It's 10.30pm. 720 00:30:42.960 --> 00:30:43.200 Yeah. 721 00:30:43.220 --> 00:30:44.740 You've just woken up for the first time. 722 00:30:44.880 --> 00:30:45.140 Yeah. 723 00:30:45.440 --> 00:30:47.119 How long did it take to get back to sleep? 724 00:30:47.660 --> 00:30:50.960 So first was because we're bottle feeding my son because 725 00:30:51.269 --> 00:30:54.910 we had the most chaotic of mastitis cases my wife

726 00:30:55.109 --> 00:30:56.390 had in our first child. 727 00:30:56.410 --> 00:30:58.490 Well, that's brutal mastitis yeah man. 728 00:30:58.369 --> 00:31:00.829 Like she has it to a level where doctors are 729 00:31:00.849 --> 00:31:03.230 like i've never heard it this bad whenever we talk 730 00:31:03.269 --> 00:31:06.049 about it in midwives it ended up in surgery oh 731 00:31:06.490 --> 00:31:09.390 oh she had an abscess that formed in her breast 732 00:31:09.759 --> 00:31:11.920 had to be taken out it was horrific so i. 733 00:31:11.880 --> 00:31:14.099 Do a quick ignorant bloke thing here what's mastitis is 734 00:31:14.119 --> 00:31:17.099 that something to do with the nipple and breastfeeding yeah right. 735 00:31:17.160 --> 00:31:19.519 It's the milk ducks they get clogged up and it's 736 00:31:19.559 --> 00:31:22.480 breastfeeding generally and it can happen with multiple things but 737 00:31:22.500 --> 00:31:25.079 yeah it's when breastfeeding turns into a nightmare and a 738 00:31:25.119 --> 00:31:27.099 lot of women suffer from it that's. 739 00:31:26.960 --> 00:31:29.109 A great channel 5 show isn't it when breastfeeding turns 740 00:31:29.119 --> 00:31:31.029 into a nightmare absolutely. 741 00:31:33.059 --> 00:31:34.960 Yeah so we bottle feed now so the first thing 742 00:31:35.000 --> 00:31:37.759 at 10 30 is the negotiation who's doing the feed 743 00:31:37.839 --> 00:31:41.200 to begin with and that's a quick negotiation because i 744 00:31:41.240 --> 00:31:44.869 lose i have to do it actually vanilla will do 745 00:31:44.930 --> 00:31:46.769 the sort of like 2 a.m and the 4 a.m 746 00:31:46.890 --> 00:31:49.009 ones yeah the real hardcore ones so i shouldn't. 747 00:31:48.829 --> 00:31:50.910 Complain about that hardcore session that isn't. 748 00:31:50.710 --> 00:31:53.869 It yeah i mean they really are as well 10 p.m 749 00:31:53.869 --> 00:31:58.549 6 a.m pussy slots that you're strolling around in tribes. 750 00:32:01.759 --> 00:32:03.460 Sorry, pussy, sounded disgusting. 751 00:32:03.519 --> 00:32:06.660 Is this the kind of stuff you do on No 752 00:32:06.700 --> 00:32:08.220 Such Things As Fish with the QI guys? 753 00:32:08.559 --> 00:32:09.940 Yeah, this is, yeah. 754 00:32:10.099 --> 00:32:10.880 Can't wait to get you on. 755 00:32:15.009 --> 00:32:16.329 But no i mean that's kind of what it is 756 00:32:16.369 --> 00:32:18.130 right there's not much story to tell you just get 757 00:32:18.190 --> 00:32:20.539 up you feed and you get back into bed and 758 00:32:20.720 --> 00:32:24.019 he's really kind of the burping i thought i'd nailed 759 00:32:24.220 --> 00:32:26.559 i thought two kids now i'd nailed how to do 760 00:32:26.619 --> 00:32:27.779 that but it's just they've. 761 00:32:27.660 --> 00:32:30.109 Each got their own ways fuck burping yeah man it's 762 00:32:30.250 --> 00:32:34.069 impossible i just don't believe it's possible and anyone that 763 00:32:34.109 --> 00:32:36.069 can do it it's just they were

just gonna burp 764 00:32:36.130 --> 00:32:38.109 anyway you've just fluked it i just i. 765 00:32:38.069 --> 00:32:41.099 Just don't believe it's a lie I think it's a lie. 766 00:32:41.230 --> 00:32:41.559 Really? 767 00:32:43.920 --> 00:32:46.980 Winding's a lie. Yeah, this is my moon landings. This 768 00:32:47.059 --> 00:32:51.099 is the hill I'm going to die on. I just 769 00:32:51.140 --> 00:32:52.380 can't do it. Can you do it? 770 00:32:52.400 --> 00:32:54.839 No, I sort of, they looked uncomfortable. So you sort 771 00:32:54.880 --> 00:32:56.789 of like lean them on your hand and then rub 772 00:32:56.809 --> 00:32:58.930 their back. And I sort of agreed. I was like, 773 00:32:59.190 --> 00:33:01.569 I more did it to show Lou that I was trying. 774 00:33:01.789 --> 00:33:02.529 Yeah, exactly. 775 00:33:02.549 --> 00:33:04.009 But as I was doing it, I was like, this is, 776 00:33:04.150 --> 00:33:04.650 this kind of. 777 00:33:06.210 --> 00:33:08.049 I've never had to do that as an adult to burp. 778 00:33:08.349 --> 00:33:08.549 No. 779 00:33:08.690 --> 00:33:11.170 And they're just little adults, aren't they? To a point. 780 00:33:11.509 --> 00:33:11.750 Yeah. 781 00:33:11.930 --> 00:33:12.269 Okay. 782 00:33:13.509 --> 00:33:14.230 To a point. 783 00:33:15.230 --> 00:33:16.430 Every child's a little adult, right? 784 00:33:16.450 --> 00:33:18.670 Do you find though, Dan, because obviously it's your third, 785 00:33:18.730 --> 00:33:21.519 like when you say it's quite, obviously it's labour intensive 786 00:33:21.559 --> 00:33:23.339 getting up in the night and you're tired, but it's 787 00:33:23.380 --> 00:33:25.259 quite easy. But then do you think that's just because 788 00:33:25.279 --> 00:33:28.440 you're not psychologically worrying about it because you're more relaxed 789 00:33:28.779 --> 00:33:29.819 because you've had to already? 790 00:33:30.259 --> 00:33:31.559 Yeah, I'm way more relaxed this time. 791 00:33:31.640 --> 00:33:34.599 The first two, I was convinced that he would stop 792 00:33:34.619 --> 00:33:36.079 breathing in the middle of the night, so I found 793 00:33:36.140 --> 00:33:38.440 it impossible to go asleep. We'd have to check him 794 00:33:38.480 --> 00:33:41.119 every two seconds. I've lost that bit to an extent now, 795 00:33:41.200 --> 00:33:43.849 but I'm definitely a nervous dad. I think mainly because 796 00:33:43.920 --> 00:33:46.180 I'm just really shit in life. That idea that we're 797 00:33:46.200 --> 00:33:49.029 looking after a tiny little vulnerable child, and he came 798 00:33:49.069 --> 00:33:50.970 three weeks early, this one, so he's tiny. 799 00:33:51.150 --> 00:33:51.569 Oh, no. 800 00:33:51.730 --> 00:33:53.670 My whole thing is once they get to that size 801 00:33:53.690 --> 00:33:55.670 where they feel unbreakable, then you can relax a bit. 802 00:33:55.710 --> 00:33:58.769 But when they're still floppy, it's just nerve wracking. 803 00:33:58.809 --> 00:33:59.289 Yeah. 804 00:33:59.490 --> 00:34:01.730 I like a baby sort of tiger loaf size. You 805 00:34:02.170 --> 00:34:03.710 know that tiger brain? 806 00:34:03.730 --> 00:34:06.180 Just that sort of like along the arm rather than 807 00:34:06.240 --> 00:34:10.500 like a little sort of floppy, underbaked, tiny French dick. 808 00:34:10.579 --> 00:34:11.559 Yes, exactly. 809 00:34:11.599 --> 00:34:13.639 Quite bulky and solid. Then I can relax a bit more. 810 00:34:14.019 --> 00:34:14.719 Yeah, agreed. 811 00:34:17.760 --> 00:34:19.699 Welcome to the podcast, Omid Jalili. 812 00:34:19.719 --> 00:34:23.159 Very excited. Omid, children, talk to me. How many have 813 00:34:23.179 --> 00:34:24.360 you got? How old are they? 814 00:34:24.860 --> 00:34:27.570 I have three children and they are all in their 20s. 815 00:34:28.809 --> 00:34:29.730 All grown up. 816 00:34:29.750 --> 00:34:30.530 Yeah, they're older now. 817 00:34:30.730 --> 00:34:33.150 Does that feel like you're... Is out the woods the 818 00:34:33.190 --> 00:34:35.239 right word to use? Do you feel like each day 819 00:34:35.280 --> 00:34:37.599 you're still a parent? You know, is it playing on 820 00:34:37.619 --> 00:34:38.679 your mind as much as it did? 821 00:34:38.739 --> 00:34:41.360 He's out the woods. He's started a logging company. It's 822 00:34:41.380 --> 00:34:42.900 deforestation that's going on there. 823 00:34:43.179 --> 00:34:45.949 That's a very good question. You know, most comics, when 824 00:34:45.969 --> 00:34:49.369 you have children, and I became like a paid comic 825 00:34:50.150 --> 00:34:52.809 when my daughter, my first child's daughter, when she was 826 00:34:52.829 --> 00:34:56.119 about two and a half around 1997, 98. And then 827 00:34:56.159 --> 00:34:58.079 I had two more kids. So I had three kids 828 00:34:58.179 --> 00:35:01.599 by 2000. So I was doing junglers. I was doing 829 00:35:01.619 --> 00:35:05.269 all those gigs. And comics usually talk about their children. 830 00:35:06.179 --> 00:35:09.179 Like as you grow with that comic, they talk about 831 00:35:09.199 --> 00:35:12.389 my children now three, four. Then you realize comics do 832 00:35:12.449 --> 00:35:17.349 it because their children are tax deductible commodities. We're happy 833 00:35:17.369 --> 00:35:20.050 to do that because it saves us some money because 834 00:35:20.130 --> 00:35:21.780 it's part of our, you know, part of our job 835 00:35:21.800 --> 00:35:24.739 and our material. But it is very difficult. I think 836 00:35:24.780 --> 00:35:26.659 we should talk about that because how old are your 837 00:35:26.679 --> 00:35:27.820 kids now? Your kids are. 838 00:35:27.940 --> 00:35:28.800 Five and seven. 839 00:35:28.880 --> 00:35:30.420 OK, so five and seven, Rob and Josh? 840 00:35:30.500 --> 00:35:31.380 Two and five. 841 00:35:31.480 --> 00:35:33.579 OK, all right. So, look, this is when I was 842 00:35:33.699 --> 00:35:36.590 starting out. It's very, very difficult. And I had so 843 00:35:36.630 -->

00:35:40.550 many experiences of coming home late, waking up early. 844 00:35:40.570 --> 00:35:40.670 Yes. 845 00:35:40.730 --> 00:35:43.150 And actually, that's not good for you. I mean, I 846 00:35:43.190 --> 00:35:45.360 remember there was a journey. I came back from Liverpool 847 00:35:45.389 --> 00:35:47.139 and I had to be home, had to drive home 848 00:35:47.159 --> 00:35:49.599 from Liverpool early. Because there was something I had to 849 00:35:49.639 --> 00:35:51.480 do at the school and I had to pick up 850 00:35:51.519 --> 00:35:54.139 my kid, you know, there's always some driving back and 851 00:35:54.159 --> 00:35:56.760 you know, that bit of the M6, there are no 852 00:35:56.860 --> 00:35:59.619 lights and around Wolverhampton, there are lots of lights on 853 00:35:59.639 --> 00:36:03.599 the M6. And I was so tired. I was hallucinating. I, 854 00:36:04.269 --> 00:36:07.210 When I felt the reflections from the lights, it looked 855 00:36:07.250 --> 00:36:11.150 like there were pterodactyls flying at me. So as I'm 856 00:36:11.190 --> 00:36:13.809 driving along, I'm slapping myself to keep myself awake and 857 00:36:13.829 --> 00:36:18.110 kind of going, slap. And then I saw this pterodactyl 858 00:36:18.150 --> 00:36:21.110 and I ducked. I ducked a few times. I just 859 00:36:21.130 --> 00:36:24.590 started ducking. And then this blue light came on and 860 00:36:24.610 --> 00:36:26.230 the police took me to one side. They said, sir, 861 00:36:26.250 --> 00:36:27.869 do you know how fast you were going? I said, look, 862 00:36:27.949 --> 00:36:30.429 I'm a comic. I'm trying to get home. Tired. Was 863 00:36:30.469 --> 00:36:32.960 I going 90, 100? He goes, no, you were doing 864 00:36:32.960 --> 00:36:35.260 10 miles an hour in the middle lane. 865 00:36:35.579 --> 00:36:36.800 Oh, no. Oh, my God. 866 00:36:37.019 --> 00:36:39.409 And he goes, we were next to you driving for 867 00:36:39.429 --> 00:36:42.349 about 30 seconds. And I could see it was only 868 00:36:42.389 --> 00:36:46.449 when you ducked. He must be. I suddenly ducked. I said, 869 00:36:46.659 --> 00:36:50.739 did you see the pterodactyls as well? And they said, 870 00:36:50.780 --> 00:36:53.480 breathalyze them. So they breathalyzed me. And then they said, 871 00:36:53.500 --> 00:36:55.840 you're just tired. And actually, to give the police credit, 872 00:36:56.079 --> 00:36:57.619 they said, follow us. We're going to take you to 873 00:36:57.659 --> 00:36:59.420 a service station. We want you to sleep. 874 00:36:59.440 --> 00:36:59.760 Yeah. 875 00:37:00.079 --> 00:37:02.440 To sleep. And then I slept. And unfortunately, I slept 876 00:37:02.460 --> 00:37:04.769 till six. And I missed the thing. And everyone was 877 00:37:04.849 --> 00:37:09.070 upset with me. But actually, you realize, to be a dad... 878 00:37:09.469 --> 00:37:11.110 To have a family. And if you're going to have 879 00:37:11.150 --> 00:37:12.780 a family, you want to be a good dad. You 880 00:37:12.820 --> 00:37:16.320 want to raise your kids well. It is really taxing 881 00:37:16.579 --> 00:37:19.800 on the body. So I remember... I actually developed this 882 00:37:20.119 --> 00:37:22.579 problem called sleep apnea. Sleep apnea where I have to 883 00:37:22.599 --> 00:37:25.409 sleep with a sleep machine and you have a mask on. 884 00:37:25.570 --> 00:37:27.730 And of course the kids would think it was funny. 885 00:37:27.829 --> 00:37:31.090 So my young son, age five, would come in as 886 00:37:31.170 --> 00:37:33.849 I'm waking up and he'd lift the mask off my face. 887 00:37:34.590 --> 00:37:37.289 And of course the machine goes into overdrive. He goes 888 00:37:37.329 --> 00:37:40.969 like that and he goes, let's go. He goes, hits 889 00:37:40.989 --> 00:37:41.329 my face. 890 00:37:41.389 --> 00:37:42.210 I go, ah! 891 00:37:42.409 --> 00:37:44.159 And I look back and I just see the leg 892 00:37:44.280 --> 00:37:47.269 of a child running away. You know, and I think 893 00:37:47.309 --> 00:37:50.159 that you never got any sleep. That was the one thing. 894 00:37:50.179 --> 00:37:53.360 And that's, I started getting acid reflux because I was sleeping. 895 00:37:53.380 --> 00:37:55.500 And then I remember once coming home, then I got 896 00:37:55.519 --> 00:37:56.699 home two, three in the morning and I ordered a 897 00:37:56.719 --> 00:38:00.039 pizza and I watched television with a pizza. And my 898 00:38:00.179 --> 00:38:03.869 daughter came down at age seven, woke me up at 6.30 899 00:38:03.869 --> 00:38:06.090 and said, you're a disgrace because I fell asleep in 900 00:38:06.110 --> 00:38:09.210 my clothes. And I think BBC Two was raging. There 901 00:38:09.250 --> 00:38:12.090 was something I was watching. And I had like pizza 902 00:38:12.329 --> 00:38:14.889 all over my beard. I remember she just learned the word. 903 00:38:14.949 --> 00:38:16.800 She goes, you're a disgrace. And I said, how did 904 00:38:16.820 --> 00:38:18.400 you learn the word disgrace? Who taught you? Did your 905 00:38:18.420 --> 00:38:20.820 mom teach you that? Who taught you the word disgrace? 906 00:38:21.300 --> 00:38:24.159 So one thing people don't get is actually it is 907 00:38:24.360 --> 00:38:27.449 physically taxing. But I'm very proud that actually if you 908 00:38:27.469 --> 00:38:29.670 put the time in, my kids are in their 20s 909 00:38:29.670 --> 00:38:32.050 and they're all actually doing quite well. And I like 910 00:38:32.110 --> 00:38:34.030 all three of them now. So actually it is a 911 00:38:34.070 --> 00:38:36.650 balance in life. Life is always a balance about your 912 00:38:36.710 --> 00:38:40.559 quality of life, your career, your family life. And if 913 00:38:40.699 --> 00:38:43.460 one of them drops, all three of them drop. So 914 00:38:43.559 --> 00:38:46.139 I'm very proud and happy that I did spend a 915 00:38:46.139 --> 00:38:48.099 bit of time with my kids because I actually like them. 916 00:38:48.420 -->

00:38:50.409 I actually like my kids. That's the weird thing in 917 00:38:50.429 --> 00:38:53.230 their 20s. You're both adults, right? It's quite a good 918 00:38:53.269 --> 00:38:55.349 way of putting I like them is because obviously you 919 00:38:55.369 --> 00:38:58.420 then have a relationship with them where they're on a 920 00:38:58.619 --> 00:39:00.860 kind of level with you. You're not like, oh, they're 921 00:39:00.880 --> 00:39:03.019 a five year old or, oh, they're going through the 922 00:39:03.039 --> 00:39:05.429 teenage years or, oh, they're, you know, dealing with this. 923 00:39:05.849 --> 00:39:09.139 It's like, these people are grown-ups. Would I be friends 924 00:39:09.159 --> 00:39:09.780 with these people? 925 00:39:09.840 --> 00:39:12.059 And they're going to overtake us and be in charge 926 00:39:12.099 --> 00:39:12.320 of us. 927 00:39:12.579 --> 00:39:15.400 They're much better. They're already way, way ahead of us. 928 00:39:15.460 --> 00:39:17.440 And I have to tell you that, on the one hand, 929 00:39:17.460 --> 00:39:19.280 I have a daughter and two boys. And the two 930 00:39:19.340 --> 00:39:22.219 boys are now, as they were growing up, I'm showing 931 00:39:22.260 --> 00:39:24.829 them pictures of myself when I was their age. And 932 00:39:24.849 --> 00:39:27.090 they look exactly like me. I mean, I used to 933 00:39:27.130 --> 00:39:29.969 have hair and I used to be thinner. And so... 934 00:39:30.119 --> 00:39:32.070 they look at me and they're thinking, wow, if we 935 00:39:32.090 --> 00:39:35.849 looked like this guy when he was like 19, 20, 936 00:39:35.849 --> 00:39:37.909 I said, yeah, this is what you're going to look like. 937 00:39:37.989 --> 00:39:39.869 And they are so horrified. So when they used to 938 00:39:39.909 --> 00:39:42.949 come home. and I'd be sat in my pants watching 939 00:39:42.989 --> 00:39:45.889 telly with my legs up. And they'd come in, they'd go, 940 00:39:45.889 --> 00:39:47.710 what are you doing? I said, I'm being you in 941 00:39:47.710 --> 00:39:51.070 30 years' time. This is you. And they are so 942 00:39:51.489 --> 00:39:54.369 horrified that they are going to look like me. So 943 00:39:54.389 --> 00:39:56.929 we have that relationship. But another thing I will say, 944 00:39:57.010 --> 00:40:00.510 as they're all adults now, and I listen to them 945 00:40:00.639 --> 00:40:03.670 because they have opinions on stand-up comedy. They have opinions on, 946 00:40:04.000 --> 00:40:05.960 like once we're in the car, we just come back 947 00:40:06.000 --> 00:40:08.719 from driving back from the Auburn Arena, the St. Auburn's, 948 00:40:08.739 --> 00:40:11.420 the whole family come to see me. And nobody said 949 00:40:11.440 --> 00:40:13.639 a word. It was a great show and we're standing ovation. 950 00:40:13.659 --> 00:40:16.280 I said, there's no one going to say anything. We 951 00:40:16.300 --> 00:40:18.800 got to the outskirts of London. I said, we've been 952 00:40:18.820 --> 00:40:20.769 driving for half an hour. No one said a word. 953 00:40:20.789 --> 00:40:23.050 Are you going to say something? And I think my 954 00:40:23.090 --> 00:40:25.730 middle son, who was about 16 at the time, he said. 955 00:40:26.170 --> 00:40:27.329 Mind out for that pterodactyl. 956 00:40:27.389 --> 00:40:33.610 LAUGHTER anyone gonna say anything why does dad keep ducking 957 00:40:34.030 --> 00:40:38.190 sorry sorry speed up you're going 10 miles an hour 958 00:40:38.250 --> 00:40:41.469 on the m25 but they said. 959 00:40:41.369 --> 00:40:43.659 To me um they said you know you do a 960 00:40:43.719 --> 00:40:46.139 few bits that we don't particularly like and it's a 961 00:40:46.179 --> 00:40:48.460 bit filthy and it's a bit and i said is 962 00:40:48.500 --> 00:40:51.159 that a problem and they said well and it's very 963 00:40:51.179 --> 00:40:52.760 interesting because put it this way if you go to 964 00:40:52.800 --> 00:40:55.659 a michelin star restaurant which they had been with me 965 00:40:55.719 --> 00:40:57.400 a few times. There's one thing I wish I hadn't 966 00:40:57.440 --> 00:40:59.760 spoiled them. They said, if you go to a Michelin-star restaurant, 967 00:40:59.780 --> 00:41:02.269 they bring you a wonderful meal, but there's a little 968 00:41:02.289 --> 00:41:04.769 bit of shit on the side of the plate. Would 969 00:41:04.809 --> 00:41:07.590 you eat that food? I went, no, I'd take it back, 970 00:41:07.809 --> 00:41:09.809 clean it off, or give me a new plate. They goes, well, 971 00:41:09.829 --> 00:41:12.250 that's how we feel about your stand-up. It's a lovely meal. 972 00:41:12.610 --> 00:41:15.590 They're little bits of shit. It just ruined the whole thing. 973 00:41:15.630 --> 00:41:17.519 And I went, oh my God, that would destroy me. 974 00:41:17.579 --> 00:41:20.639 It did destroy me. It destroyed me because it actually 975 00:41:20.679 --> 00:41:23.099 made me realize that in comedy, this is why we 976 00:41:23.119 --> 00:41:25.440 can do gigs and we're having a wonderful time. And 977 00:41:25.500 --> 00:41:27.530 as comics, everyone's laughing, but we always hone in on 978 00:41:27.570 --> 00:41:29.650 the one person not enjoying it. Or have you had 979 00:41:29.690 --> 00:41:31.170 a show where you're loving the show, then you do 980 00:41:31.309 --> 00:41:33.130 one joke and a couple of people get up and leave? 981 00:41:33.389 --> 00:41:35.789 I've never had that, Ahmed. I've never had that. How 982 00:41:35.809 --> 00:41:36.250 dare you? 983 00:41:36.269 --> 00:41:38.099 You've never had that? Okay, well, you're not a proper 984 00:41:38.139 --> 00:41:38.539 comic then. 985 00:41:39.219 --> 00:41:41.760 I know, of course. Oh, no, I'm getting flashbacks of Edinburgh. 986 00:41:41.780 --> 00:41:42.380 That was horrible. 987 00:41:42.559 --> 00:41:42.780 Yeah. 988 00:41:42.860 --> 00:41:46.480 So you realise, actually, comedy, in general, what you learn, 989 00:41:46.539 --> 00:41:48.800 we can't please

all the people all the time and 990 00:41:48.840 --> 00:41:51.340 people have a right to be offended. But the fact 991 00:41:51.400 --> 00:41:55.230 that even my own children were saying, you could be 992 00:41:55.309 --> 00:41:58.030 so good, but you're not. And we won't bring our 993 00:41:58.050 --> 00:42:00.409 friends to see you and we're not really proud of 994 00:42:00.449 --> 00:42:01.630 you and you just look like. 995 00:42:01.650 --> 00:42:02.369 Oh, no. 996 00:42:02.610 --> 00:42:03.650 How old were they at this point? 997 00:42:03.670 --> 00:42:05.829 They were in their mid-teens. They're old enough. 998 00:42:05.849 --> 00:42:08.329 Oh, that's the never ask a teenager for a feedback thing. 999 00:42:08.389 --> 00:42:10.090 But do you know what i brought it up with 1000 00:42:10.110 --> 00:42:12.880 them now and they stand by their comments it's interesting. 1001 00:42:12.480 --> 00:42:14.960 So was it the in general your stuff or was 1002 00:42:15.019 --> 00:42:16.800 it more that like and i wanted to speak about 1003 00:42:16.820 --> 00:42:19.719 this as well as you get older you know everyone's 1004 00:42:19.800 --> 00:42:21.929 views and stuff get a bit dated because that's just 1005 00:42:21.969 --> 00:42:23.690 what like you know you don't experience new things with 1006 00:42:23.710 --> 00:42:27.010 the younger generation are way more woke and across social 1007 00:42:27.070 --> 00:42:29.210 change yes would it be things like that where you 1008 00:42:29.230 --> 00:42:31.349 might use a turner phrase that is fine but actually 1009 00:42:31.369 --> 00:42:33.300 a little bit That's not what you use anymore. Or 1010 00:42:33.340 --> 00:42:36.019 was it just the material and the performance in general? 1011 00:42:36.079 --> 00:42:38.559 Because I think that's what your kids can help you with. 1012 00:42:38.659 --> 00:42:40.880 And they do, yeah. Actually, that's a very good point. 1013 00:42:41.239 --> 00:42:43.920 As they got older, they were very aware of not 1014 00:42:43.960 --> 00:42:47.139 just woke culture, but even things that you've missed somehow. 1015 00:42:47.219 --> 00:42:49.489 So in that sense, they were right. So I dropped 1016 00:42:49.510 --> 00:42:52.230 the joke. And they often come and watch, and they 1017 00:42:52.250 --> 00:42:54.590 give the odd tip like that, which I think is very, 1018 00:42:54.630 --> 00:42:58.710 very helpful. But in general, it's interesting because they say, look, 1019 00:42:58.750 --> 00:43:01.159 the dad we see at home is so funny, right? 1020 00:43:01.300 --> 00:43:04.559 But the dad we see on stage is very different. 1021 00:43:04.599 --> 00:43:07.280 It's like you're trying to please people and you're trying 1022 00:43:07.300 --> 00:43:10.519 to be a Middle Eastern bloke in white society. And 1023 00:43:10.559 --> 00:43:12.340 as a part of us, we're not comfortable with that. 1024 00:43:12.389 --> 00:43:14.250 So we wish you could be more like the way 1025 00:43:14.309 --> 00:43:16.510 you were at home. I think that's the thing. That's 1026 00:43:16.550 --> 00:43:19.690 what pleased me. They thought I was much funnier offstage 1027 00:43:19.750 --> 00:43:21.469 than on. And I said, well, it is an act. 1028 00:43:21.550 --> 00:43:23.909 That's the whole point. Doing stand-up is an act. It's 1029 00:43:23.929 --> 00:43:26.389 what you choose to put out. But they say, yeah, 1030 00:43:26.429 --> 00:43:29.170 we're just not comfortable with it. So we hope, Dad, 1031 00:43:29.190 --> 00:43:31.389 when they're 14, a child goes, we hope, Dad, you 1032 00:43:31.429 --> 00:43:35.050 find your inner authenticity and that can be shown on there. 1033 00:43:35.139 --> 00:43:36.460 That's the kind of thing they say. 1034 00:43:39.920 --> 00:43:42.579 Natalie Cassidy, welcome to Parenting Hell. 1035 00:43:42.599 --> 00:43:45.119 It's been a long time coming. Oh, do you know what? 1036 00:43:45.139 --> 00:43:45.940 I'm honoured, boys. 1037 00:43:46.019 --> 00:43:47.820 Really, really lovely to see you both. 1038 00:43:47.860 --> 00:43:49.659 Well, I got a bit starstruck, actually, while I was 1039 00:43:49.679 --> 00:43:52.409 listening to Chatterbix. You know, you did with David Earl 1040 00:43:52.489 --> 00:43:53.369 and Joe Wilkinson. 1041 00:43:53.989 --> 00:43:54.710 Yeah. 1042 00:43:54.789 --> 00:43:56.829 And you started talking about this podcast and about how 1043 00:43:56.849 --> 00:43:58.219 much you like it and you wanted to come on. 1044 00:43:58.230 --> 00:43:59.889 I was like, man, he casted it. 1045 00:43:59.889 --> 00:44:00.730 I didn't know about this. 1046 00:44:01.010 --> 00:44:02.090 We didn't know about this. 1047 00:44:02.769 --> 00:44:03.889 They were a bit upset. 1048 00:44:03.969 --> 00:44:05.480 They were a bit upset because they always want to 1049 00:44:05.500 --> 00:44:07.320 get in the top ten. They can't get there. So 1050 00:44:07.340 --> 00:44:09.460 I don't think they were happy with it, but there 1051 00:44:09.480 --> 00:44:09.679 you go. 1052 00:44:09.780 --> 00:44:13.079 First things first. You know when Sonia was, was she 1053 00:44:13.099 --> 00:44:14.079 playing the saxophone? 1054 00:44:14.550 --> 00:44:15.510 It was Trumpet, Josh. 1055 00:44:15.690 --> 00:44:17.889 Trumpet? For fuck's sake, Josh, do your research. 1056 00:44:18.280 --> 00:44:19.199 Do us a favour. 1057 00:44:19.260 --> 00:44:21.920 No, no, Josh, surely the first question should be how 1058 00:44:22.480 --> 00:44:23.719 many kids you got, what age. 1059 00:44:23.980 --> 00:44:24.239 Sorry. 1060 00:44:24.260 --> 00:44:27.019 Let's not go on to Trumpet and Sonia immediately. 1061 00:44:27.039 --> 00:44:30.820 What's Wellard like? What's Wellard like? Wellard's dead. I know, 1062 00:44:30.900 --> 00:44:32.000 but what was he like? 1063 00:44:32.059 --> 00:44:32.739 He was lovely. 1064 00:44:32.760 --> 00:44:35.550 It was a girl, actually, and the dog's name was Zenna, 1065 00:44:35.570 --> 00:44:37.030 and she was a delight.

1066 00:44:37.230 --> 00:44:40.090 There we go. Right, how many kids you got? Two. 1067 00:44:42.590 --> 00:44:43.610 I've got two girls. 1068 00:44:44.030 --> 00:44:45.869 Josh, if you want to do Wellard chat, let's save 1069 00:44:45.909 --> 00:44:47.030 it when we get Dean Gaffney on. 1070 00:44:47.610 --> 00:44:48.550 Okay, right. 1071 00:44:48.570 --> 00:44:49.050 Exactly. 1072 00:44:49.070 --> 00:44:50.610 If you want to do trumpet, fair enough. 1073 00:44:51.210 --> 00:44:53.530 Martin Fowler, Sonia, we'll get onto that later, but come 1074 00:44:53.550 --> 00:44:54.969 and save your Wellard stuff for Gaffney. 1075 00:44:55.630 --> 00:44:58.110 Do you still speak to Gaffney, Natalie? All the time. 1076 00:44:58.139 --> 00:44:58.449 Do you? 1077 00:44:58.469 --> 00:44:59.010 All the time. 1078 00:44:59.469 --> 00:45:00.389 Yeah, he's fantastic. 1079 00:45:00.570 --> 00:45:04.280 I love Gaffney. He's just brilliant. He's always in our beef. Always. 1080 00:45:04.320 --> 00:45:06.010 He's always flying around the world. I don't know how 1081 00:45:06.030 --> 00:45:08.309 he does it. He's got friends in high places and 1082 00:45:08.329 --> 00:45:10.269 he just makes me die. He makes me laugh. 1083 00:45:10.309 --> 00:45:10.590 He's brilliant. 1084 00:45:10.610 --> 00:45:12.650 He's a funny bloke. We've got to get gaffers on. 1085 00:45:13.230 --> 00:45:15.210 Listen, I'm not sitting here talking about Dean if you 1086 00:45:15.230 --> 00:45:15.909 don't mind. 1087 00:45:15.949 --> 00:45:16.500 Come on. 1088 00:45:17.010 --> 00:45:20.090 Let's talk about your kids. How old are your kids, Natalie? 1089 00:45:20.570 --> 00:45:24.199 So, Joni is six. She'll be seven August the 16th. 1090 00:45:24.360 --> 00:45:26.139 And Eliza is 12, going on 102. 1091 00:45:26.139 --> 00:45:31.989 Yeah. Yeah, I've been speaking to a lot of people 1092 00:45:32.030 --> 00:45:34.980 who've got kids that are, like, sort of pre-teenage, 10 1093 00:45:34.980 --> 00:45:38.159 to 12, and it feels intense. 1094 00:45:38.260 --> 00:45:42.000 Is the phrase tweenage when they're, like, teenagers early? 1095 00:45:42.019 --> 00:45:45.159 It is, but I'm not having any of it. Eliza 1096 00:45:45.280 --> 00:45:46.539 is already a teenager. 1097 00:45:46.900 --> 00:45:47.980 Is she? Right, OK. 1098 00:45:48.039 --> 00:45:52.179 It's crazy stuff. I tell you, I promise. 1099 00:45:51.570 --> 00:45:51.969 You, once. 1100 00:45:52.530 --> 00:45:53.409 She started playing the trumpet. 1101 00:45:53.449 --> 00:45:53.650 Yeah. 1102 00:45:55.010 --> 00:45:56.070 She's not playing the trumpet. 1103 00:45:56.210 --> 00:45:56.710 Please, Josh. 1104 00:45:56.869 --> 00:45:59.670 Josh, he's actually been a bit of a prick, hasn't he? Oh, 1105 00:45:59.710 --> 00:46:02.130 come on now. I think he's been a bit of 1106 00:46:02.170 --> 00:46:05.010 a prick. I'm so excited this is finally happening. 1107 00:46:06.349 --> 00:46:09.409 When your kids are in year six, right, at primary school, 1108

00:46:10.130 --> 00:46:12.449 and they're going on their leavers tour, and you think, 1109 00:46:12.469 --> 00:46:15.909 aren't they grown up, right? They have the summer holiday, 1110 00:46:15.969 --> 00:46:17.159 and they go into year seven. 1111 00:46:17.179 --> 00:46:17.280 Yeah. 1112 00:46:17.780 --> 00:46:17.949 Yeah. 1113 00:46:18.460 --> 00:46:20.739 They're like different humans. They just get out of bed 1114 00:46:20.840 --> 00:46:23.199 one day after a week of being at secondary school. 1115 00:46:23.239 --> 00:46:24.840 And they're completely different human beings. 1116 00:46:25.320 --> 00:46:27.099 Really? It's incredible. 1117 00:46:27.719 --> 00:46:30.619 Because of the responsibility they have. She's got her laptop. 1118 00:46:31.059 --> 00:46:32.550 She's emailing teachers. 1119 00:46:33.280 --> 00:46:33.829 It's crazy. 1120 00:46:33.849 --> 00:46:40.010 And my daughter didn't have a phone until about two, 1121 00:46:40.050 --> 00:46:42.530 three months ago. So she went into year seven without 1122 00:46:42.550 --> 00:46:45.860 a phone. And she did a couple of terms without it. 1123 00:46:46.550 --> 00:46:48.989 That was quite hard because every single person had one 1124 00:46:49.030 --> 00:46:52.400 apart from her. But now she's got her phone and 1125 00:46:52.460 --> 00:46:54.480 it's crazy stuff. Oh, God. 1126 00:46:54.579 --> 00:46:57.219 Oh, mate. Have you got to have phone rules? 1127 00:46:57.579 --> 00:47:00.699 Oh, massive ones. She's got no social media. She's got 1128 00:47:00.920 --> 00:47:03.130 Be Real, which is the one where you just take 1129 00:47:03.210 --> 00:47:03.989 one photo a day. 1130 00:47:04.010 --> 00:47:04.849 I'm fine with that. 1131 00:47:05.269 --> 00:47:08.489 But she's not allowed Snapchat. She's not allowed Instagram. She's 1132 00:47:08.510 --> 00:47:11.690 not allowed any of that. She has WhatsApp to talk 1133 00:47:11.730 --> 00:47:15.130 to her friends and the phone remains downstairs on charge 1134 00:47:15.590 --> 00:47:16.750 when she goes to bed and stuff. 1135 00:47:17.150 --> 00:47:17.869 She's good with it. 1136 00:47:18.329 --> 00:47:18.550 Yeah. 1137 00:47:18.570 --> 00:47:21.030 But she's waited so long, she's like, anything will do. 1138 00:47:21.050 --> 00:47:25.260 Oh, God. Oh, God, I'm so scared about it all. 1139 00:47:25.780 --> 00:47:26.699 Just don't give in. 1140 00:47:27.340 --> 00:47:29.820 That's all I'm saying to you. I don't care about... 1141 00:47:29.699 --> 00:47:32.739 Anyone says... At ten, there were kids in... I'm not 1142 00:47:32.760 --> 00:47:36.219 being funny at the primary school. My six-year-old, there was 1143 00:47:36.239 --> 00:47:39.659 a couple of kids with phones. Six?! Seven, yeah. 1144 00:47:39.739 --> 00:47:41.250 Seven. Bloody hell. 1145 00:47:42.110 --> 00:47:44.210 And I just was like, I'm not following any, I 1146 00:47:44.250 --> 00:47:46.150 don't care what anyone says, you can hate me, I'm 1147 00:47:46.170 --> 00:47:48.010 not having a

phone until I feel that it's needed. 1148 00:47:48.369 --> 00:47:50.630 Yeah, do you know what, because someone, our friends of ours, 1149 00:47:50.650 --> 00:47:53.530 their daughter's eight and they've got like an iPod touch thing, 1150 00:47:53.769 --> 00:47:55.389 which the girls love and it means they can message 1151 00:47:55.409 --> 00:47:57.590 the mum and dad and take photos and stuff like that, 1152 00:47:57.610 --> 00:47:59.210 but you can still get all the apps on it. 1153 00:47:59.230 --> 00:48:02.010 So in a way, like actually ringing someone's the least 1154 00:48:02.050 --> 00:48:02.909 bad bit of a phone. 1155 00:48:03.260 --> 00:48:04.699 Absolutely, absolutely. 1156 00:48:04.800 --> 00:48:07.280 And iPads actually worse in a way if they can 1157 00:48:07.300 --> 00:48:07.960 have access to. 1158 00:48:07.920 --> 00:48:10.920 The, We were talking about messages. I've just got a 1159 00:48:10.940 --> 00:48:13.599 message off my wife. This is a live bit of 1160 00:48:14.420 --> 00:48:19.840 parenting and marriage. If the doorbell goes, answer it as 1161 00:48:19.889 --> 00:48:23.050 it could be your socks. Isn't that a low moment? 1162 00:48:23.530 --> 00:48:25.050 So I'm going to have to leave the interview if 1163 00:48:25.070 --> 00:48:28.150 the doorbell goes. I do apologise, Natalie. What socks are they? 1164 00:48:30.280 --> 00:48:32.059 I've ordered some sports socks. 1165 00:48:32.079 --> 00:48:33.820 Do you have to have weird ones because of your feet? 1166 00:48:34.219 --> 00:48:35.719 I haven't got weird feet. Like specialist ones. I haven't 1167 00:48:35.739 --> 00:48:36.780 got weird feet, Rob. 1168 00:48:36.800 --> 00:48:38.840 People have specialist things for different parts of the body. 1169 00:48:38.860 --> 00:48:40.659 Why would I have specialist? I haven't got weird feet. 1170 00:48:40.679 --> 00:48:43.260 Because of the hair and the size. They're normal. They're 1171 00:48:43.320 --> 00:48:46.909 normal hair. They're normal. Sorry about this, Nancy. They're not normal. 1172 00:48:46.949 --> 00:48:48.170 They are. Big hobbit ones. 1173 00:48:48.769 --> 00:48:50.809 I've got really bad feet as well. 1174 00:48:50.909 --> 00:48:54.750 Have you? No, not as well. I haven't got bad feet. No, 1175 00:48:54.809 --> 00:48:55.389 I've got feet like yours. 1176 00:48:55.429 --> 00:48:56.699 You've both got disgusting feet. 1177 00:48:56.719 --> 00:49:01.539 That's correct. That's fine. You sound like, to me, you 1178 00:49:01.579 --> 00:49:04.960 don't take any shit. No, not at all. And has 1179 00:49:04.980 --> 00:49:06.820 that always been the case, or did that come at 1180 00:49:06.860 --> 00:49:10.340 the age of, fuck, right, this is now phones, this 1181 00:49:10.380 --> 00:49:13.119 is now serious, or were you like, no chocolate? 1182 00:49:13.449 --> 00:49:16.800 No, I've always been... No, it's everything in moderation, isn't it? 1183 00:49:17.449 --> 00:49:17.849 I've seen. 1184 00:49:18.409 --> 00:49:19.889 I've had children round. 1185 00:49:20.940 --> 00:49:21.139 Yeah. 1186 00:49:21.260 --> 00:49:22.800 And if they haven't got a sweet drawer or a 1187 00:49:22.840 --> 00:49:25.519 crisp drawer, they come in here and they're like animals. 1188 00:49:26.099 --> 00:49:26.380 Yeah. 1189 00:49:26.480 --> 00:49:28.730 They just want to eat everything because they have never 1190 00:49:28.769 --> 00:49:29.210 got it. 1191 00:49:29.670 --> 00:49:30.710 Whereas mine, they. 1192 00:49:30.590 --> 00:49:32.769 Take it or leave it. We've got the drawer. They're 1193 00:49:32.789 --> 00:49:34.630 not in there all the time. You know, I think 1194 00:49:34.730 --> 00:49:39.429 everything in moderation is good. My little Joanie is, she's 1195 00:49:39.469 --> 00:49:44.840 quite feral. She's sort of always got her hair in 1196 00:49:44.880 --> 00:49:47.820 her face. Yes. She's, you know, like, you know, when 1197 00:49:47.860 --> 00:49:49.869 it's really hot, you're like, darling, come on, let's get 1198 00:49:49.889 --> 00:49:50.949 your sun cream out. 1199 00:49:51.230 --> 00:49:51.889 She don't care. 1200 00:49:52.329 --> 00:49:56.630 She just wanders about. She's quite a free spirit. Eliza's 1201 00:49:56.670 --> 00:49:58.869 completely opposite. She was the one who, you know, had 1202 00:49:58.889 --> 00:50:01.050 to cut all the labels out. She hated seams in 1203 00:50:01.090 --> 00:50:03.989 the socks. She was very, she's always been very particular. 1204 00:50:04.010 --> 00:50:07.559 So they're completely different children. But Eliza now, I feel 1205 00:50:07.840 --> 00:50:10.699 as they get older, you have to pick your battles. 1206 00:50:10.760 --> 00:50:13.900 You can't, You can't get annoyed over things that perhaps 1207 00:50:13.940 --> 00:50:16.230 you would do with the younger ones because you've got 1208 00:50:16.269 --> 00:50:17.309 bigger fish to fry. 1209 00:50:17.550 --> 00:50:21.179 It's harder because when they're in school, if you go, no, 1210 00:50:21.190 --> 00:50:23.610 we're not doing that, they literally come back and go, 1211 00:50:23.730 --> 00:50:25.710 it's almost like interviewing a politician where they go, well, 1212 00:50:25.730 --> 00:50:27.300 so-and-so's doing it and so-and-so's doing it. 1213 00:50:27.679 --> 00:50:28.139 Absolutely. 1214 00:50:28.300 --> 00:50:30.139 With that, I just say I don't care. 1215 00:50:32.699 --> 00:50:34.820 I'm not interested in what other people are doing. Why 1216 00:50:34.840 --> 00:50:35.820 are you talking to me about that? 1217 00:50:36.320 --> 00:50:37.699 That's a good way to do it, because I want 1218 00:50:37.719 --> 00:50:39.519 to go, well, I tell you what, their mum and 1219 00:50:39.539 --> 00:50:42.280 dad are a fucking pair of pricks. And their kids 1220 00:50:42.360 --> 00:50:44.019 are going to turn out like them. 1221 00:50:44.039 --> 00:50:46.059 I have to say it. 1222 00:50:46.059 --> 00:50:49.070 Has been said, Rob. You're not wrong. You're not wrong. 1223 00:50:51.340

--> 00:50:54.039 Well, the little known fact about your friend, I hate 1224 00:50:54.059 --> 00:50:56.679 their parents, and I've hung up with them for 13 1225 00:50:56.679 --> 00:50:58.519 years at this school, and I don't need to be 1226 00:50:58.559 --> 00:51:00.179 told about what they do, because you know what? I 1227 00:51:00.280 --> 00:51:04.090 fundamentally disagree with everything they do. Or you could just go, 1228 00:51:04.110 --> 00:51:05.829 I don't care. It's probably a bit of a better 1229 00:51:06.329 --> 00:51:06.929 way to. 1230 00:51:07.130 --> 00:51:08.849 Do you think Carol Jackson was a good mum? 1231 00:51:10.050 --> 00:51:11.789 She was a great mum on screen. 1232 00:51:11.829 --> 00:51:12.670 A great mum, Josh. 1233 00:51:13.110 --> 00:51:13.309 Yeah. 1234 00:51:13.489 --> 00:51:15.050 She wasn't my real mum, you do know. 1235 00:51:14.989 --> 00:51:15.360 That, don't you? 1236 00:51:15.369 --> 00:51:16.110 No, no, I'm fully aware of that. 1237 00:51:17.739 --> 00:51:21.590 Josh is treating this interview like he's sort of confused 1238 00:51:21.650 --> 00:51:25.329 about between fiction and reality and just totally overwhelmed. 1239 00:51:25.530 --> 00:51:28.579 I'm extremely shocked that Josh has even seen it. Do 1240 00:51:28.599 --> 00:51:29.119 you know what I mean? 1241 00:51:29.159 --> 00:51:30.659 Yeah, he's not that kind of guy, is he? 1242 00:51:30.820 --> 00:51:34.039 I loved it in the 90s. Did you? Fucking hell. Yeah, 1243 00:51:34.920 --> 00:51:37.659 the bit where, I think it was slightly before your time, 1244 00:51:38.030 --> 00:51:41.650 but the bit where Grant Mitchell finds out that Phil's 1245 00:51:41.670 --> 00:51:46.210 been sleeping with Sharon. Oh, with a voice recorder. Oh, yes. 1246 00:51:46.349 --> 00:51:49.650 Injected into my veins. It's so good, that episode. 1247 00:51:49.849 --> 00:51:53.050 I would say EastEnders, when it was in its peak 1248 00:51:53.070 --> 00:51:55.099 around that time, was so. 1249 00:51:54.940 --> 00:51:56.639 Much better than all... It's still good, Rob. It's still 1250 00:51:56.679 --> 00:51:57.380 in its pit, don't it? 1251 00:51:57.389 --> 00:51:59.090 No, it's still good. But at that point, that was 1252 00:51:59.130 --> 00:51:59.630 when it was. 1253 00:51:59.650 --> 00:52:00.289 Oh, my word. 1254 00:52:00.570 --> 00:52:01.670 You were in it when you were younger and. 1255 00:52:01.869 --> 00:52:04.409 The pregnancy stuff and all that kind of stuff. It's still, 1256 00:52:04.469 --> 00:52:09.239 you know, great. It went beyond soap. It just felt 1257 00:52:09.280 --> 00:52:11.960 like something that everyone was watching and everyone spoke about. 1258 00:52:12.039 --> 00:52:15.380 I'll tell you something. Obviously, in October, I've been there 1259 00:52:15.420 --> 00:52:17.360 for 30 years, right? Since I was 10. 1260 00:52:17.340 --> 00:52:18.039 Jesus Christ. 1261 00:52:18.059 --> 00:52:19.480 I mean, I had a break and stuff, but I've 1262 00:52:19.500 -->

00:52:21.079 been affiliated with it for that long. 1263 00:52:21.099 --> 00:52:21.199 Yeah. 1264 00:52:21.960 --> 00:52:23.619 And all those times, like you say, were sort of 1265 00:52:23.639 --> 00:52:26.650 the golden ages. And we've had peaks and troughs, as 1266 00:52:26.710 --> 00:52:29.630 every show does. But I have to say that we've 1267 00:52:29.670 --> 00:52:31.030 just won the Soap Award. 1268 00:52:31.210 --> 00:52:31.829 Congratulations. 1269 00:52:31.889 --> 00:52:36.800 Past the morale, like everyone at work. At the moment, 1270 00:52:36.900 --> 00:52:39.400 I feel like all the stories are really good. 1271 00:52:39.420 --> 00:52:40.780 It's building up. 1272 00:52:40.900 --> 00:52:44.079 Yeah, it's becoming golden again. It's really, really good. It's 1273 00:52:44.119 --> 00:52:44.980 a lovely place to be. 1274 00:52:45.199 --> 00:52:49.489 Being in EastEnders as a child and how you'd feel 1275 00:52:49.510 --> 00:52:52.679 about your children acting, because you were seven, right, when 1276 00:52:52.699 --> 00:52:55.710 you first appeared in EastEnders? Ten. Ten? 1277 00:52:55.730 --> 00:52:58.590 I'll tell you something, your Wikipedia is shit. 1278 00:52:59.250 --> 00:53:01.409 It's falling apart. I knew about that, Natalie. 1279 00:53:01.449 --> 00:53:01.949 Don't worry about that. 1280 00:53:02.210 --> 00:53:05.460 Oh, fuck off, Robb. So you were 10. So your 1281 00:53:05.500 --> 00:53:09.340 daughter is basically, would have already been in EastEnders two years. 1282 00:53:09.659 --> 00:53:10.500 Yeah, yeah. 1283 00:53:10.639 --> 00:53:13.449 And have they expressed any interest in child acting? 1284 00:53:13.989 --> 00:53:18.010 They both enjoy it. And Eliza, actually, my eldest, she 1285 00:53:18.030 --> 00:53:19.989 just played Trunchbull in our school production. 1286 00:53:20.010 --> 00:53:20.789 Oh, wow. 1287 00:53:20.849 --> 00:53:24.110 And she was brilliant. She's really good at it. So 1288 00:53:24.150 --> 00:53:26.030 I wouldn't mind her doing it. But to be honest, 1289 00:53:26.110 --> 00:53:28.389 it's all very well. But auditions come through on my 1290 00:53:28.440 --> 00:53:30.579 phone and I'm like, that's too much time off school 1291 00:53:30.739 --> 00:53:34.940 and i just ignore it i've said yes i've said 1292 00:53:34.960 --> 00:53:37.579 yes but i'm not sure it'll ever come to anything 1293 00:53:37.960 --> 00:53:39.550 so we'll have to see but i do want her 1294 00:53:39.590 --> 00:53:41.369 to go to school i missed a lot of school 1295 00:53:41.389 --> 00:53:42.909 yeah as much as i loved. 1296 00:53:42.690 --> 00:53:45.710 My well i loved i loved my job yeah. 1297 00:53:45.570 --> 00:53:48.849 But you from 10 to 13 the rules were 40 1298 00:53:48.849 --> 00:53:51.780 days off a year yeah from 13 to 16 you 1299 00:53:51.800 --> 00:53:55.050 could have 80 days off a year And then 16 onward, 1300 00:53:55.349 --> 00:53:57.340 it was a job. So I was kind of there 1301 00:53:57.380 --> 00:53:59.820 doing really well. And I just carried it on, which 1302 00:53:59.929 --> 00:54:02.150 is amazing. I'm very lucky I've had a brilliant life. 1303 00:54:04.090 --> 00:54:07.349 I've missed out on a lot of learning, which I 1304 00:54:07.349 --> 00:54:09.710 think I'll probably do at a later stage because I 1305 00:54:09.730 --> 00:54:12.409 do love learning. So I want my kids to enjoy 1306 00:54:12.449 --> 00:54:15.110 learning and go to school and get good grades. And 1307 00:54:15.280 --> 00:54:16.739 I do want them to do that because I didn't. 1308 00:54:16.820 --> 00:54:20.079 Also as well, you've got, there's plenty of time in 1309 00:54:20.139 --> 00:54:22.139 life for them to become actors where. 1310 00:54:22.000 --> 00:54:23.380 You only get this time once. 1311 00:54:23.599 --> 00:54:24.739 And I think it helps. 1312 00:54:24.519 --> 00:54:26.559 You develop as a person. I mean, it must've been 1313 00:54:26.679 --> 00:54:27.360 really difficult for. 1314 00:54:27.320 --> 00:54:29.500 You as well, like, because with social media now for 1315 00:54:29.519 --> 00:54:31.530 your kids and they don't have that, like you were 1316 00:54:31.570 --> 00:54:33.730 like so famous in this country. 1317 00:54:33.750 --> 00:54:34.150 Yeah. 1318 00:54:34.230 --> 00:54:35.409 Like at a young age. 1319 00:54:35.469 --> 00:54:37.630 And that must've been quite difficult because it's not, you 1320 00:54:37.650 --> 00:54:40.389 know what the press is like, especially back then, you know, 20, 1321 00:54:40.389 --> 00:54:41.150 30 years ago. 1322 00:54:41.170 --> 00:54:42.510 Way more brutal. 1323 00:54:42.889 --> 00:54:44.469 How, how did that make you a stronger person? Or 1324 00:54:44.489 --> 00:54:46.599 did you find it difficult? Has it helped you like 1325 00:54:46.699 --> 00:54:47.980 give them advice and stuff? 1326 00:54:48.340 --> 00:54:50.820 Yeah. I mean, I, I have to be honest with you. 1327 00:54:50.880 --> 00:54:52.599 I just think I've been very lucky. I've got a 1328 00:54:52.619 --> 00:54:55.480 very thick skin and I've grown up with a family 1329 00:54:55.820 --> 00:54:57.800 that are so normal. Do you know what I mean? 1330 00:54:58.079 --> 00:55:00.159 There was no, oh, isn't it marvellous that you're on 1331 00:55:00.179 --> 00:55:02.659 the telly? Like there was none of that at all, 1332 00:55:03.380 --> 00:55:05.340 which for me, I just went to work and it's 1333 00:55:05.420 --> 00:55:08.400 always just been my job. So I think going into 1334 00:55:08.420 --> 00:55:12.400 it at 10 is actually better than getting a soap 1335 00:55:12.440 --> 00:55:15.400 opera say at 17 because you kind of want it 1336 00:55:15.780 --> 00:55:17.639 and you get the ego and you get, not saying 1337 00:55:17.659 --> 00:55:19.219 everyone does, but do you know what I mean? 1338 00:55:19.260 --> 00:55:19.340 Yeah. 1339 00:55:19.989 --> 00:55:21.849 So for me, I grew. 1340 00:55:21.679 --> 00:55:22.179 Up with it. 1341 00:55:22.519 --> 00:55:26.119 It's like

being recognised. People say, everyone's like, you go 1342 00:55:26.239 --> 00:55:27.880 out and what's it like? And I said, I don't 1343 00:55:27.920 --> 00:55:29.000 remember not doing that. 1344 00:55:29.019 --> 00:55:30.840 You've been famous longer than you've been alive. 1345 00:55:31.460 --> 00:55:33.599 So it's just, it's what it is, isn't it? 1346 00:55:33.679 --> 00:55:35.400 Not longer than you've. 1347 00:55:35.000 --> 00:55:37.280 Been alive, but longer than not famous. Sorry. I caught 1348 00:55:37.300 --> 00:55:39.750 myself in my own crux. I was thinking, Rob, fucking hell, 1349 00:55:39.769 --> 00:55:44.210 my Wikipedia's bad. You've got some really dodgy facts. You 1350 00:55:44.269 --> 00:55:46.969 were Sonia two years before you were born. Is that right? 1351 00:55:47.010 --> 00:55:48.550 So philosophical. It's brilliant. 1352 00:55:50.360 --> 00:55:52.300 That's it for this special Best Of episode. 1353 00:55:57.530 --> 00:55:59.769 I'm Natalie Cassidy and I've been wanting to do a 1354 00:55:59.809 --> 00:56:01.789 podcast of my own for a very long time. 1355 00:56:02.130 --> 00:56:02.730 And here it is. 1356 00:56:03.349 --> 00:56:06.050 I'm going to be talking each week to family, friends, 1357 00:56:06.530 --> 00:56:09.429 most importantly, you. I want to talk about the issues 1358 00:56:09.449 --> 00:56:12.130 that are bothering me, things that make me smile and 1359 00:56:12.170 --> 00:56:14.230 how we get through that washing basket without having a 1360 00:56:14.269 --> 00:56:17.489 nervous breakdown. This is a podcast for the general public, 1361 00:56:17.550 --> 00:56:20.280 for the normal people. So get on board, become part 1362 00:56:20.300 --> 00:56:22.500 of my community and let's have a laugh. 1363 00:56:27.099 --> 00:56:31.119 Hello, it's me, Jessica Knappett and here, here, here, here, 1364 00:56:31.360 --> 00:56:34.590 brand new podcast alert. I've got a new show for you. 1365 00:56:34.929 --> 00:56:39.269 It's called Perfect Day. And yeah, you've figured out the 1366 00:56:39.289 --> 00:56:42.909 premise already, haven't you? Because you're so smart and because 1367 00:56:42.929 --> 00:56:43.570 it's obvious. 1368 00:56:43.590 --> 00:56:43.659 Yes. 1369 00:56:44.719 --> 00:56:48.199 Every Thursday, I interview a guest about what constitutes their 1370 00:56:48.239 --> 00:56:53.940 perfect day. So if you like hopes and dreams, fantasies 1371 00:56:54.260 --> 00:56:57.969 and sweet memories, you're going to love this stuff. Ah, 1372 00:56:58.630 --> 00:57:02.650 we have got so many lovely, funny, nice people on. 1373 00:57:02.949 --> 00:57:07.210 Your Romesh Ranganathans, your Dolly Aldertons, your Jamali Maddoxes, Arabella Weir, 1374 00:57:07.250 --> 00:57:09.469 she's doing it. Don't worry about the quality of the guest. 1375 00:57:09.730 --> 00:57:11.449 Just worry about when you're going to listen to it. 1376 00:57:12.079 --> 00:57:13.179 Or don't worry about when you're going. 1377 00:57:13.099 --> 00:57:14.530 To listen to it, just actually listen to it. 1378 00:57:14.880 --> 00:57:15.579 See you soon. 1379 00:57:16.579 --> 00:57:21.059 Jess Knapp here, signing off, wishing you a perfect day. 1380 00:57:22.480 --> 00:57:32.730 Perfect day on all your favourite podcast platforms.